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by orphan_account



Category: E.R.
Genre: AU, Angst, F/M, Language, Other, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-07
Updated: 2015-10-01
Packaged: 2018-04-19 12:10:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 72
Words: 434,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4745927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A what if about Carter and Susan.  Some Canon events but mainly AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Back at Union Station

I stepped off the train, holding tight to Brooklynn's hand. Almost five years after I'd left I was back in Chicago. So much had happened in my life since then, including the birth of my beautiful daughter. She's the light of my life, I didn't know what I'd do without my precious baby girl.

"Mommy, I miss Sugarbear." Brooklynn's voice was sad.

"I know, sweetie, they're looking, someone will find her." Brooklynn was referring to her favourite teddy bear, who'd somehow gone missing during the packing and shipping of the household. I knelt down and smoothed back my daughters soft blond hair, which fell in little ringlets, and looked into her eyes. "I'm sorry honey."

Those eyes – they reminded me of Brooklynn's father, and had every day since she was born. I wondered, not for the first time, how he was doing. He was truly a great guy, but it was complicated. So very complicated.

"Why do we have to live here mommy?"

"Remember I got a new job, now that Aunt Chloe and Susie have moved to Texas, I wanted to come home." This was mostly true, but I also wanted to get away from Brad - our relationship had not worked out at all like I'd hoped, and since he worked at the same hospital in Phoenix, it was better to leave.

"Phoenix is home, I miss my friends."

Brooklynn burst into tears. I picked her up and let her rest her head on my shoulder. Her eyes drooped in exhaustion from the long trip and the excitement of the move.

I flagged down a cab and called out the address to the driver. Shortly, the taxi pulled up in front of our new apartment building. Brooklynn had fallen asleep and I gently shook her awake.

"Sweetie, we're here!"

Opening the apartment door I was greeted by a large pile of boxes. The movers had been so at least we had furniture, even though it was going to take some time to unpack everything. I had a few days before starting my new job, so I could set up my apartment, try and make it like home.

I dug out some sheets and made up my bed, Brooklynn's room could wait until the morning. I tucked her in, and she dropped off to sleep right away. I started to wipe out cupboards, unpack dishes, and set up the kitchen, I wouldn't sleep. I had mixed feelings about being in Chicago, and it would take some time to settle in.

A few days later, I stood in front of the Northwestern ER. Today was my first day as an Attending on the tenure track. I had thought about going back to County, but _he_  was there, and I couldn't look into his eyes every day and not tell him the truth – and I couldn't hide my daughter, he would find out sooner or later.

With any luck, I could completely avoid him, he may never know I came back to Chicago, or find out about Brooklynn. What we'd had was – a very short affair– an incredible one – but still, I couldn't do that to him. I'd never told him I was pregnant, and I don't know if I have the courage to face him now and tell him about his daughter. Plus, I was sure he'd moved on, and I didn't want to complicate his life.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was incredibly excited. Chloe had taken Susie to Phoenix, and I had felt so alone. So sad. I'd tried to adopt Susie and I thought I was going to have a little girl, the start of a family, when Chloe returned and wanted her back. I was still trying to deal with this loss, when I found out I was going to have my own baby, but…I couldn't stay at County, I didn't want Brooklynn's father to know. He would have felt obligated to support us, put his career on hold even, and I didn't want to ruin his life.

Inhaling deeply, I walked into the ER. Dr. Rosen, who had hired me and was the Chief of the ER, was waiting at admit.

"Susan, so great to have you on board! Let me introduce you around." Dr. Rosen shook my hand and then started to introduce me to the doctors and residents that were on that day. "You'll have to wait to meet our Chief Resident – he's an Attending as well but not on shift for another couple hours."

"I'll look forward to meeting him."

Dr. Rosen showed me the lounge and assigned me a locker. Wow, this was so much nicer than County, everything at Northwestern was so much nicer.  Once we were done with the introductions and a short tour, I was on shift.

I went out to the admit desk, and jumped right in. The nurses were great, really helpful in orienting me to where everything was located, and I was soon immersed with patients.

I finished up with Mr. Mitchell. "Okay, here's your prescription, if you are not feeling better in a few days, then come back."

"Thanks, Dr. Lewis." Mr. Mitchell took the paper and wandered off out the ER doors.

I walked back towards the admit desk, but stopped part way, with my eyes trained on the figure at the desk. No…it couldn't be…could it? I didn't know that there was anyone here from County, and he was a surgical intern when I left.

But it sure looked like him, my heart skipped a beat as he turned. Oh, it _was_ him, and now he was lifting his head from the computer as if he had felt my stare. Our eyes met and his eyes widened, then an easy smile came to his face. He was so…..beautiful…I thought, those chocolate brown eyes and cute grin, that thick soft hair, I'd had such a crush on him when he was a student and when he was an intern too.

"Dr. Lewis? Susan? What are you doing here?" He walked towards me, my heart was thumping. He definitely wasn't that cute med student now – the 5 years had changed him, he was _all_ grown up, but as cute as ever. "Are you the new Attending?" His voice was deeper, his hair shorter, but his eyes were the same, deep and warm, I could lose myself in those eyes.

"Carter? I could ask you the same thing. I thought you'd be a surgeon by now – what are you doing at Northwestern?"

He gave me a rueful grin. "Long story, but in short, I moved to Emergency Medicine at County several years ago, and was offered the Chief Resident and Attending position here two months ago. I've been here a month now – you know, Weaver had it in for me."

"Uh, yeah, I know what you mean about Weaver." Boy did I ever, she and I never got along. "And yes, I started today…so we're going to be working together?"

"We are – which is great! A friendly face, though all the staff here are pretty nice." Carter gave me a big hug, holding on to me for just a moment longer than I was comfortable with, the attraction was still there. "Great to see you. When did you get back to Chicago?"

I looked around and saw a few glances from the nurses. A couple seemed put out Carter was hugging me so openly, so warmly. Of course, they were about Carter's age too, and he never had trouble attracting the pretty ladies, so maybe I was invading someones territory.

"Only a few days ago. Chloe took Susie to live in Texas with her husband, so I thought it was time to come home."

"Welcome home then. Hey, I have to go check on some med students, but can I take you for dinner one night? Catch up?" He smiled, and I felt a little shiver go up my spine as he looked into my eyes. I had definitely not gotten over that crush.

Say no, say no, I thought, I cannot get involved with Carter. Carter tilted his head slightly and I realized I was staring into his eyes, with my mouth almost hanging open.

"Susan? Are…you okay?"

"Ummmm, yes, I'm fine… just thinking… dinner, sure."

"Friday night?" Carter was staring at my left hand. Checking for a wedding ring no doubt, I watched his hand as he picked up a chart, nope no ring there either. Of course, he probably had a girlfriend, he usually did.

Damn, I'd agreed to go out with him, damn those big brown eyes, they could make a girl come undone. "Friday, yes. I'm off at noon on Friday, so…."

"Great, I'm done at five, I can pick you up at seven?"

"I could meet you at the restaurant." I _did not_ want him to come to my apartment, that would be…very bad. It was going to be hard enough to work with him, and not let him know about my daughter. Not yet anyway, at some point I would tell him.

"Well, okay, but I don't mind picking you up."

"No it's fine, I'll meet you. Where are we going?"

"Seafood? Maybe Shaw's?"

"Perfect, I haven't been there in forever." Now you've done it Susan, first day back and he has charmed you into a date.

Friday evening came quickly, and before I knew it, I was putting the finishing touches on my makeup and checking my appearance in the mirror. He saw me every day at work, but I wanted to look good for our date. Date. How did I get myself into a date with Carter?

I tucked in my daughter before I left.

"Good night, sweetie, you be good for Janice." I had found a babysitter, quietly recommended by one of the nurses. I hadn't told Carter I had a daughter, and I wasn't quite ready to mention it either – because if he figured out how old she was, he would _know_ who her father was, and I simply couldn't deal with that yet.

I walked into Shaw's just before 7 my stomach doing nervous little flips. I looked around and Carter waved at me, he had already gotten a booth. Well, he did tend to be on time, he learned that one quickly at work, especially with Benton as his Resident.

He stood and gave me a hug and kiss on the cheek, my heart skipping at his touch. Over the past few days, I had tried to avoid being around him too much, but as Chief Resident and Attending, he just seemed to be there all the time. He worked a lot of the traumas and was in constant motion, supervising residents and med students.

In the ER, it was hard to avoid contact, especially in the trauma or exam rooms with everyone crowded around working on a patient. This was not unusual, and no one thought much about it, but I noticed whenever we touched, I felt a little jolt, a little spark of attraction, and I wondered if he could tell, or was feeling it too.

We made some small talk, while we perused the menu, then we both ordered. We sipped our drinks and chatted, it felt odd at first, but we warmed up to each other quickly.

"So Susan, I don't see a ring. You're not married?" Carter wasn't shy, especially with me, so he got right into the personal stuff.

"No, I dated in Phoenix, but I haven't found the right guy. Well, there was a specific guy, but it didn't work out. How about you?"

"Not married, I've been dating too, just recently broke up with someone… well actually she broke up with me as she thought I was interested in one of my co-workers. Which I'm not, by the way, she's just a good friend."

"Oh, that's too bad, Carter." Even as I say this I feel a little surge of happiness. Carter was single and unattached - then I thought about Brooklynn and try to ignore the thought. Don't get involved, Susan, I warn myself in my head.

"It's okay, Susan, I don't think it would have worked anyway, she isn't at a point in her life when she would be ready to commit to anything serious. I knew that when we started dating."

"And you are ready to commit?"

"If I find the right person, then…yes. I put a lot of time into getting my career where it is, but, you know, I'm ready to share my life with someone. It's just trying to find the right someone."

"I know what you mean. I haven't found the right someone either, but I'd like to." I met his eyes, and think I imagined the glimmer of interest as his expression became unreadable.

"He's out there, you're beautiful, intelligent, interesting and you'll find him."

I flushed at the way he said it. This guy was going to be trouble for me. Not married, no current girlfriend, and he'd started flirting with me the first day I came into work at Northwestern. I find him hard to resist, but then I always have.

Our meal arrived, and we ate, laughing, joking, drinking a little too much wine, or at least I did. I noticed Carter hardly finished even half a glass, but he didn't say why. We talked for hours, he asked about my family, little Susie, my sister. Carter knew a lot about me, he was there when Susie was born, he was there on my birthday when Chloe came into the ER wasted, and he had met my mother. I leaned on Carter, confided in him many times when we worked at County and I find myself doing so again, but I managed to completely avoid the subject of my daughter.

He insisted on driving me home, and walking me to my door, I'd had a great time with Carter. So when he leaned down to give me a hug, I couldn't help but put my arms around him and hug him back. Somehow, that hug turned into a kiss, and it was hot, my body molded against him, my fingers tousling his hair. My knees went weak and I felt rising desire. If only I could have invited him in, but not with my daughter and babysitter there.

I pulled back and put a finger to his lips, shaking my head, and looking down at the floor so he couldn't see how much I wanted him.

"Sorry. I'm sorry Susan, I shouldn't have... I should go." He touched my shoulder and just like that, he was gone. I let myself in quietly and sent the babysitter home, still thinking about that kiss. I didn't get a lot of sleep that night, I spent a lot of time thinking about Carter, and how I wished he was with me in my bed right now.

The next morning I was nervous at first, but Carter came in and gave me a warm smile, and I smiled back. He handed me a small bag and a large coffee fixed up just the way I like it. "Breakfast?" Then he was off and running as a trauma came through the door. I peeked inside the bag, and I saw a breakfast sandwich and I had to smile - it looked freshly made - he remembered what I liked. I took a sip of the coffee and ate my sandwich as I finished up the chart I was working on.

I felt like someone was watching me, and I glanced over to see Trina, one of the nurses, staring.

"You've gotten awfully friendly with Dr. Carter, you had a big date last night?" Her voice was bitter, and I knew she was crushing on Carter in a big way. She was really cute and probably a couple years younger than Carter, I had noticed her inserting herself into as many of his patient cases as she could.

"Oh, we went out for dinner, you know, to catch up. I've known him for years, we worked together at County." I said casually as I reached out for a chart.

"Oh, so you're just friends?" She seemed hopeful.

I found this hard to answer, certainly Carter was not someone I expected to see here, but the attraction was powerful and we'd always had great chemistry, even when I chose to deny it to myself. I opted not to say a word, but gave her a noncommittal smile and wandered off to see to my patient.

No surprise to me, over the next few days Carter started bringing me my morning coffee when he knew we are on shift together, and I couldn't resist taking breaks with him. I had really missed this during my time in Phoenix, my Carter time on the roof, where we talked and commiserated over what was going right and wrong in our lives.

We fell into a pattern quickly, and over the next couple of weeks, I started spending quite a lot of time with him, against my better judgement. Not that I didn't enjoy every moment I was with him, but I was still hiding Brooklynn's existence, and I knew at some point soon, I was going to have to tell him.

I was worried about how he might react, having a child was a pretty big deal and I'm keeping a secret from him, not the best thing when you are starting a relationship with someone. And I knew that was what I was doing, I was getting in deep, feelings were starting to come to the surface, emotions I had denied and hidden while I have been away.

It seemed that Carter was giving in to his as well, he seemed very much interested in pursuing us, as a couple, he wasn't hiding the fact that he still had feelings for me. We hadn't kissed again or been physically intimate, and I knew that he was wondering where the boundaries were in this new relationship we were having. But he was patient, intuitive and sensed I needed time, so he didn't push me, and most of our time together was on work breaks. This worked for me, as I could avoid having him come to my apartment and seeing my life as a single mom.

After a couple weeks, though, I gave myself permission to take this to the next step, and when he invited me out one evening for dinner, I accepted. As usual, we had a great time, and we flirted the whole time.

After dinner, I suggested we go to his place, he had purchased a home, and I wanted to see where he lived. And I _wanted_ him, but we couldn't be together at my place for obvious reasons. I think he knew what I wanted to happen, and I am positive he wanted it too, but he played it cool.

"This is great, Carter."

"Thanks, I bought it a few months ago. I got tired of renting, though sometimes I stay at my grandmothers house. My grandfather died a couple months back, and she has not been doing well with it, so I try to be around as much as possible."

He removed his jacket and tie, undoing the top few buttons of his shirt. He neatly draped the jacket and tie over the back of a chair.

"Something to drink? Wine?"

"A glass of wine would be great."

Carter pulled out a nice bottle and poured a couple of glasses.

We cuddled on the couch watching a movie, his arm around me as I leaned on his chest. He smelled great as usual, and I had trouble concentrating on what was happening on the screen. I traced a finger down the exposed bare skin of his chest and undid a few more buttons on his shirt, so I could slide my hand inside. His chest was firm, smooth and warm, I inhaled deeply then planted a kiss on the skin I’d revealed. His hand trailed lightly down the bare skin on my arm tickling me sensually, I turned and tipped my head up towards him, inviting a kiss. His arms tightened around me as our lips met and he pulled me across his lap while I wrapped my arms around his neck.

One thing led to another, our kisses hot and passionate, my hand crept down, rubbing him through his pants, working on his belt and zipper,  as I let him pull my top over my head.  The heat of his mouth was on my breast through the satin of my bra, and I could feel him unhook it with one hand even as his other moved around my waist to draw me closer.  We were half naked now, and he scooped me up and carried me upstairs to his bedroom, laying me out and covering my body, we entwined amongst the luxuriously soft sheets on the huge bed as I wrapped my limbs around him.

The last bits of clothing didn’t last long, the pure attraction had taken over and we both lost ourselves totally, his lips teased my nipples and his hands stroked my skin, leaving a burning hot trail like I was on fire. His fingertips ran over my belly then down between my thighs, and I moaned as he toyed with me.  He reached into a drawer beside the bed as I stroked his soft silkiness, he came up with a small pakage, which I took from him and ripped open quickly.  I rolled the condom onto him, and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him close, bringing my leg up and around him as he eased into my body.

Our bodies rocked together as he started to move, long slow strokes at first, gaining speed and intensity as I dug my fingers into his back. It was hot, crazy, and incredible, I hadn’t had sex like that in a very long time, though I hadn’t expected anything less from Carter.

We both were panting like we’d run 10 miles by the time we were done, and I didn't regret it in the least.

"Oh wow, that was so amazing." I whispered against his hair when I could finally breath again.

"No kidding." He kissed me deeply then I settled with my head on his chest and traced a finger down a scar he had…and I wonder where he'd gotten it from. Surgery?

I was surprised to find it while removing his shirt, I know he didn't have it before I left Chicago. You only get a scar like that from _major_ surgery. I could have sworn I felt scars on his lower back too, but I didn't see them. I kiss him gently, giving in to the curiosity.

"That is a major scar, Carter, what happened?"

He sighed and shifted positions. "A couple years ago, at Count I was stabbed."

I sat up and looked at him. "What? You were stabbed? By who…how?" Stabbed in the back?  That would certainly explain the other scars. I can't help but wonder how close he came to dying.

His soft brown eyes were sad and there was something I couldn't quite read in them.

"A schizophrenic patient, he was undiagnosed, he came in and experienced a break while he was there. He stabbed the med student I was supervising and when I went to check on her…he stabbed me in the back, twice, with a knife he stole from the lounge. They had to do emergency surgery to repair the internal damage. The blade was at least 6 inches long, and I've pretty much lost function in one kidney, thanks to him."

"Oh, Carter, I don't even know what to say. What happened to the student?"

"She died. He stabbed her four times, she didn't have much of a chance," he said flatly, but I knew Carter, this would have been hard on him.

I still remembered when he was a med student himself, and one of the patients he and Peter were working on took a leap off the top of County. Carter was talking to the patient at the time, how do you watch someone commit suicide without it affecting you? Benton was concerned about him, and ended up taking Carter to a family dinner that night to help get his mind off of things, making sure he wasn’t alone.

Funny though, Div was there too, and he didn't even talk about it - he apparently just shrugged and walked away, didn't even try to talk to Carter about what he had just seen. Of course Div was experiencing his own issues at the time, and disappeared without so much as a word to me not too long after that.

I hugged him, pulled him close to me and kissed his hair.

"Did you know the student well?"

"Yes, I had supervised her before, I'd known her for about a year and a half when she died."

We lay there in silence for quite a while, I held him close, wondering what else had gone on in his life since I left. I had let my friends at County drift away, I purposely lost touch so they wouldn't find out about Brooklynn.  It was a shock to find out that I'd almost lost Carter, without even knowing it.  That he had gone through something so traumatic in his life.

I wished I could stay the night, but I couldn't, I really needed to get home and let my babysitter leave, so I gathered my clothes and dressed.

"Why don't you stay, you can, you know."

"I know, but I have an early shift, and I'll need fresh clothes. I should go home and get some sleep." I gave him a kiss. "I'll see you in the morning at work." I brushed my hand against his cheek and left so I could send my babysitter home.

A couple days later, I was at the admit desk and a well dressed lady came up with a man in a suit.

"John Carter please."

I pointed over to the desk "You'll have to check in with the triage nurse."

The well dressed man looked at me "She fainted, and we need to see John Carter immediately."

"Sorry but he is with a patient and you do need to go through triage."

"Let's just go Alger, this is silly."

"No, we really need to see John Carter."

I was getting annoyed when the well dressed lady said. "Oh, there he is…John….John."  She waved slightly and like magic Carter appeared.

"Gamma, what are you doing here." Gamma?

Alger spoke up "She fainted, so I brought her over to see you."

"Sorry, Mrs. Carter, I didn't realize you were John's grandmother."

"Oh, so you're just rude to everyone?"

"Gamma, this is Dr. Susan Lewis, I am sure she didn't mean…" His grandmother cut him off.

"I'm fine John, I just want to go home."

"No, we should check you over." He gave me a little smile and led her off. I caught up with him later and he said the tests were all normal but he was still a bit worried. I could tell his grandmother was very important to him, and I remembered that he spent a lot of time with her when he was a kid.

Over the next month, John and I saw each other quite often, going for dinner, going to movies, and hanging out, having fun. The sex was fabulous, and I think that I had a permanent smile on my face some days. The nurses were all paying attention and I got comments about how lucky I was, though Trina was not too friendly as it became apparent that Carter and I were very much together.

During the month of seeing Carter, his grandmother came in again and he found her condition was a bit more serious than imagined. I encouraged him to get her driver's license pulled, and then he had to go out to her house and wait for her to come home as she defied him, going out driving. Kind of a role reversal, I thought to myself, she took care of him, now he was taking care of her. And it seemed like though she was busy with her charities, her family, especially John's dad, was nowhere to be seen, so it was all on him. This made me even more certain that I was falling in love with him, he was a very caring, generous person.

Things were not perfect though, Carter was a pretty smart guy, and he had started to wonder, what I am not telling him, why he can never come to my place, why I never stayed the night with him. He had commented a couple times, telling me he would like it if I stayed, but I was not able to tell him, I was still too scared. I cared about him a lot, I always had, I was falling for him if I was being honest with myself. Finally things come to a critical point.

I gave him a kiss before sliding out of bed, reassembling my outfit piece by piece as I found the various pieces on the floor. John's hand gently grab my wrist, drawing me back down onto the bed with him.  He gave me a deep warm kiss, then looked into my eyes, his deep chocolate ones searching mine.

"Stay tonight, Susan." 

"You know I can't, John, I have to get home."  I kissed him back, buttoning my top as I headed for the bedroom door. I heard the deep sigh as he pulled on his jeans, following me down the stairs moments after I had my shoes on.

"I _don't_ know and I _don't_ understand, that's the problem. I think you need to explain it to me. You don't ever want to go to your place, and you will never stay here. What I do know is there is something you're not saying, something you aren't telling me. I want more than this, Susan, but if you don't, I need you to tell me now, before we get in any deeper.

"I just..." I shook my head, gave him another kiss before I picked up my coat and slung it over my arm.

He grasped my chin lightly, not willing to let me off so easy this time.  "You need to tell me what you want, if this means anything to you or it's just physical for you. If it's about sex, then I can't do this anymore."

And there it was, the ultimatum. He was thinking it was about the sex for me, his frustration with the situation evident. His face was set, not showing any expression, nothing that I could read anyways.

I was kicking myself mentally for not letting him know I have a daughter at home, but I was too scared of the repercussions when he found out, and I know every day I spent with him and didn't tell him, it was getting harder to come clean. It was late, and I knew I couldn't get into this tonight, but I would need to soon.

"No, it's more than that, John, I care about you so much."

"Then stay the night, we have been seeing each other, sleeping together, for over a month, it shouldn't be too much to ask to have my girlfriend stay over.  Why won't you stay, tell me."

I hugged him tight, but I couldn't stay, my babysitter needed to go home.

"I can't." My voice was shaky and I felt a little lost as he sighed and motioned to the door.

"Then go." His voice was low, quiet, almost emotionless as he said this, and I felt like what we almost had was fading away.

"John. I..."  I couldn't finish, and I shook my head, I was lacking the courage to say what I knew I should say.

"Just go home, Susan. If that is what you need or want to do, then go." 

I stopped just before I closed the door behind me and looked back, he was leaning against the couch with his arms crossed, looking at the floor. I pulled the door shut behind me, and I worried about how to tell him and how he was going to react to the news, and it started to consume me a bit. I felt a bit like a fraud, a liar, and I thought about how this was going to hurt him, I knew I had to do it soon.  I knew if I opened Pandora's Box tonight, it would not go well, so I made my way home.

Over the next couple of days, I noticed our relationship had deteriorated significantly, I could feel him emotionally pulling away from me, and he started to distance himself. He had not invited me over, and when I asked him to go on break with me he shook his head.

I finally managed to corner him in the lounge and he quickly looked around to make sure we were alone.

"So, do you want to grab some dinner later?" I tried to be cheerful, I knew the time had come, to come clean with him, but I was not sure he was going to give me the chance.

"No, I have too much to do." He poured a coffee and tried to head back out the door.

"I feel like you've been avoiding me. I miss you." I stepped in his path, blocking his exit.

"Right." He leaned back against the counter, sounding totally unconvinced that I might actually miss him. "I think we need a break Susan, from each other. Obviously we're on two different pages here, and I can't do this, I really can't.  I'm sorry."

"You're breaking up with me?"

"Breaking up implies that we had a real relationship, but call it that if you want. You're not being honest about something, I don't know what it is, and I guess it doesn't matter at this point. To have a relationship, you have to be able to communicate. You say you care, but...you don't act like someone who wants to commit, and you know what, that's where I am in my life. I want a real relationship with someone who wants that too - not 'friends with benefits', which is where we are right now. I'm sorry, Susan, I told you the other night, I can't do this."

He shrugged then he was gone, the door swinging shut behind him. I sat on the couch and realized that my window of opportunity had just closed. I was in love with him, but I had just let him go.


	2. Confessions

It had been a couple days since Carter called it quits with me, and I hadn't been sleeping well. Working up the courage to talk to Carter and confess my deep secret was difficult. I had a slim chance he'd forgive me, I hoped I could get him back before he moved on.

I stood finishing a chart at admit when a pretty woman I estimated to be around my age came up to the desk.

"Excuse me, I am here to see Dr. Carter."

"You need to see the triage nurse first, and I think Dr. Carter is off shift, so someone else will see you." I was tired of everyone acting like I was the desk clerk.

"No, I'm a friend of his, Dr. Lewis" She peered at the name of my tag, then her eyes widened slightly and she looked me up and down quickly. "I wanted to let him know I'm here. I'm Abby Lockhart by the way."

"Oh, well, he should be back in a minute, he was finishing with a patient." We stood and stared at each other for a moment, it felt like a showdown, assessing the competition. I figured she knew Carter and I were an item for a while and it was unsettling. I realized I wasn't as thin or svelte as I once was and I sometimes felt judged.  My own insecurities of course, but Carter was a good looking guy who seemed to attract beautiful women, that he was ever interested in me was surprising. That we'd been having such great sex and he seemed so into me was even more shocking in my books.  Well, he _was_ into me, now it seemed he was ' _in_ ' to this woman. Unconventionally attractive, she had dark hair, and eyes, there was something about her.

"Great, I'll hang out here for a couple minutes and wait."

"You might be more comfortable in chairs, admit's a busy place."

"I know, I'm a nurse at County. I'll wait here."

Oh wow, definitley his type, an intelligent, attractive woman,. My hopes faded, and I was unreasonably angry and hurt.

I felt his presence more than saw him as he appeared at the admit desk. "Abby, let me update the board, and hand over the last couple patients and we can go. Dr. Susan Lewis, this is Abby Lockhart."

He made a point of introducing us, but he was casual about it and it pissed me off.

_Rubbing it in Carter? You dumped me and you are seeing someone already and you're showing me you're not going to wait around?_

"We met." I kept my answer short, and tried to contain my jealousy.

_Jerk, dating again less than thirty seconds after we broke up._

It made me angry, and my feelings for him were running rampant under the surface. The green eyed monster reared its ugly head.  He was in my bed-well technically I was in his bed- only a few days ago and it irked me he could replace me so quickly.

He went over the patients with me while Abby leaned on the desk waiting. Once done,he slung an arm around her shoulders and they went into the lounge, reappearing moments later, Carter had lost the lab coat and was now in a light jacket. I watched as they walked out the door, chatting easily, without so much as a glance in my direction. I stewed and fumed, then decided I would finally do it, tell him about Brooklynn. Let the chips fall where they may.

After my shift I called and left messages on his home phone and cell, but he didn't call me back. I resorted to a visit to his house, and he didn't answer the door. I didn't hear back from him all night either, and I wondered what he was doing, and it drove me crazy thinking about him with the nurse from County. I had a hard time sleeping, and woke up the next morning grouchy and groggy.

I arrived for my shift, and noted Carter was scheduled later, so I decided I'd talk to him, get him to agree to meet me after work. I went for a break before he was due to arrive, and then found he was elusive for most of his shift. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought he was avoiding me. Late in the day I was returning to admit, when Alice, one of the nurses stopped me.

"Dr. Lewis, a little girl claiming to be your daughter came in looking for you. She cut herself, I couldn't find you earlier."

"Is she okay? Where is she?"

"Dr. Carter saw she was in distress so he picked up her chart. He got her calmed down and said he would take her, he is great with kids, isn't he? I know you two are close, so I thought that would be perfect. They're in exam 2. She's adorable, I didn't know you had a daughter."

I nodded and turned towards the exam room. I couldn't even ask if she mentioned Brooklynn being my daughter, she would have found that strange considering everyone knew we'd been seeing each other.

Oh boy, if he didn't already know, he was going to soon. I saw Carter going into the exam room down the hall, and walked quickly towards it, then stopped outside the room, while I gathered the courage to go in.

"Okay, let's take a look at that cut on your leg, Brooklynn. How did you get that cut?"

"I fell, when I was coming across the parking lot, there was glass. It hurt."

"Hmmmm, I bet it did. Let me clean it up. You might need a couple of stitches."

"Will it hurt?"

"Not really, I'm pretty good at this. So Brooklynn, how old are you?" Carter calmly chatted to her, I knew he was diverting her attention from the work he was doing on her leg.

"I'm…four… My birthday is in May. May 21st."

"May…really, mine is June fourth."

I stood frozen as this conversation continued, he was going to find out…my stomach flipped and churned.

"Do you have any toys here? When I'm scared I like to cuddle my Sugar Bear…but she got lost when we moved, she was my favourite teddy and she's lost and scared."

"I'm sorry to hear that Brooklynn, but I bet someone is taking good care of Sugar Bear while she finds her way home. And don't worry, nothing to be scared of here, I promise, I'll take good care of you."

"You think so?" I heard hope in her voice. "Mommy has offered to buy me a new bear, but…I want Sugar Bear."

"I do think someone is taking care of her. Look, we're all done."

"That didn't hurt at all, thanks Dr…"

"Carter. So, now we need to find your mommy or daddy."

"I don't have a daddy, only a mommy. I came to find her, she works here."

"By yourself?"

"Of course, I'm a big girl."

My heart almost stopped, she came here by herself?

"You are, but Chicago is a big city Brooklynn, not a good place to wander, even for big girls. So who's your mommy?"

At this point I knew I had to get in there, Carter was going to be…shocked. I'd been dating him and sleeping with him and he had no idea about Brooklynn.

"Susan Lewis," she said as I stepped into the room.

Carter froze. "What?" he said softly.

"My mommy is…mommy! There you are!"

Brown eyes turned in my direction, one pair joyful, the other pair shell shocked. His gloves snapped as he pulled them off and stood.

"Susan, it seems… _your daughter_ cut herself on some glass. She's all fixed up, you know what to do with the sutures." He turned and looked at Brooklynn for a long moment. "Brooklynn, it was…nice to meet you, and maybe I'll see you again soon." His voice choked up.

All I could think was - _he knows._ He reached out and touched her hair, she looked up at him with an adoring smile. As he turned to leave, I couldn't quite get a fix on what he was feeling at the moment, the emotions and realization that he'd discovered my secret, what I wasn't telling him, were flashing through his eyes too quickly. I didn't like the look he gave me as he walked out the door, he was furious, his eyes blazing.  Carter never managed to hide his feelings, or not in my experience anyways.

"Mommy, the nice doctor fixed my leg, I came to see you."

"Well, we will have to talk about that, but I'm glad you're okay." I picked her up and went out to admit, I hoped to catch Carter, I had some MAJOR explaining to do. "Where is Dr. Carter?" I asked the desk clerk.

"Oh he left, his shift is almost over and he said he wasn't feeling well all of the sudden."

I sighed, I knew I had to talk to him, given what just happened, I was certain he had figured it all out. I went into the lounge and picked up the phone, dialing his cell phone. He didn't answer of course, he was probably screening his calls.

"Carter, it's Susan, please call me. We need to talk."

My shift was over as well, so I took Brooklynn and we grabbed some hamburgers before we went home. I found out with some careful questions that she'd seen the hospital and left the daycare group to come find me. I would be talking to the daycare director tomorrow, and finding her a new place – I could not believe they let a 4 year old wander off on her own.

And I hadn't received any phone calls from the daycare as yet either, had they even noticed she was gone? 

We walked up the stairs to our third floor apartment and I stopped as I saw the figure sitting against my door. Carter. He had his knees up, head tipped back against the door with eyes closed, but I knew he wasn't sleeping. Planning my murder, perhaps, but definitely not asleep.

"Mommy, who's that. Hey, you're the nice doctor that fixed my leg."

"Right,nice to see you again Brooklynn. Is it feeling better?"

"Yeah…my mommy bought me fries and a burger AND a milkshake."

"Wow, you're a lucky girl, to have such…a nice mommy."

I doubted he thought nice applied, and his voice stayed eerily calm as he talked to her. I gave my head a shake. He wouldn't air out our issues in front of a four year old child, he wasn't that type of man.  The anger came off him in waves, but he didn't show an ounce of it to Brooklyn.

Brooklynn looked at him curiously "What's that?" She pointed to something he was holding. Carter held up the cutest fluffy stuffed bunny rabbit and I felt like crying. He'd bought her a present? Only problem was, she'd never accept it, she was still stuck on finding Sugarbear.

"Oh this? Well, I'm…just taking care of this poor little bunny."

I watched with interest as Carter charmed Brooklynn.

"Why? Aren't you too big for a bunny?"

"Yeah, I guess, but you know what, this poor little bunny lost her little girl, and I wanted to make sure someone took good care of her, until we can find her a home."

Brooklynn reached out and stroked the bunny's ear. "Really? She's lost? Just like my Sugar Bear?"

Carter nodded. "Pretty sad huh? Someone needs to take care of her, just like someone is taking care of Sugar Bear."

My heart melted as Brooklynn moved closer to Carter, and put hers palms against his cheeks, looking deep into his eyes. "Do you think…the bunny would like me to take care of her?"

Carter smiled. "Wow, I never thought of that, what a great idea! I found this with her….it's a tag that says her name is Bella, do you really want to take care of Bella?"

Brooklynn nodded enthusiastically. "Oh yes, maybe she won't be sad if she has a little girl to take care of her. I bet she is lonely when you go to work at the hospital.  My mommy is at work a lot too you know."

"I think you're right, I work lots of hours just like mommy, so she has to be home alone all the time." Carter handed her Bella the bunny and Brooklynn gave the stuffed animal a hug, then surprised me by throwing her arms around Carter.

"Thank you, I will take good care of her." Carter hugged her back, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he did this, and I know, that…he knew or at least strongly suspected.

He let her go and smiled at her warmly, something passing through his eyes before he covered it up quickly. "I know you will, and you know what, she looks happier already. I think a little girl is just what she needed."

Well done, Carter, I thought. I'd been trying to replace Sugar Bear since she got lost, and Brooklynn had been sad every night at bedtime without her. Here he'd gotten her to accept the loss of Sugar Bear and allowed him to replace the bear with a brand new stuffed bunny. She outright refused my every attempt. He truly was amazing with kids.

He stood so I could unlock the door, he looked at me steadily and I knew it was time for a long overdue conversation.

"I left a message on your phone."

"I know, I heard it." His voice was short, clipped.

"I tried to catch you before you left, but you were gone pretty quickly."

"I needed..." He stopped as Brooklynn tugged on his shirt.

Brooklynn hugged the bunny, and looked up at Carter adoringly. "Can you stay?"

Carter looked at me and I nodded. "Sure, I bet Dr. Carter needs…a drink, and you little miss need to have a bath." Yup, considering the look on his face, he probably did need a _drink_ about now. "Put your things away, Brooklynn, and then you should have your bath."

Brooklyn hung up her coat and backpack as I opened the fridge, pulling out a couple sodas, handing one to Carter, which he accepted with no comment.  Our fingers brushed lightly as he took it out of my hand, I felt the electric tingle in my fingertips, our contact broken as he turned away from me.

I ushered Brooklynn into the bathroom, taking her dirty clothes to the hamper as she crawled into the tub for a bath. Carter didn't say anything, he wandered around the apartment aimlessly, stopping to look at some framed pictures I had on the mantel. He smiled at Brooklynn when she came out in her Minnie Mouse pyjamas, clutching Bella and carrying a storybook.

"Dr. Carter," she said shyly, "will you read me a story?"

"Of course I'll read you a story. And you…"  He gently poked the end of her nose. "Can call me Carter." He sat and patted the couch beside him, encouraging her to sit beside him.

"Are you a friend of my mommy's?"

"I've known your mommy for a really long time."

"Oh. Can you read the story now?" She snuggled up against him, he put an arm around her, and she crawled right into his lap. He cuddled her while she held her new bunny, and opened the book. She generally wasn't this friendly with men, but Carter had won her heart in less than an hour.  My last boyfriend she'd barely tolerated and would never have allowed him to hold her.

I cleaned up the kitchen, while listening to him read to her, stealing glances at the two of them on the couch. He made funny voices for the characters, which made the story very entertaining, Brooklynn giggled and pointed as he read to her. Once he was done, he closed the book.

"I like how you tell stories, can you read me another one?"

"Sure, go grab whichever one you want." He handed her back the book, and she ran into her room to pick another book.

"You are very good with kids, Carter. It usually takes her a lot of time to warm up…." I cut this off as Brooklynn reappeared with two more books. Carter pulled her back into his arms and read both with no complaint, even taking time with her as she tried to read a few words. I turned away and caught a tear as it ran down my cheek, I didn't want Brooklynn to see me cry.

"Another!" She said when he was done the last book.

"Brooklynn, it is time for bed,"  I said gently, knowing she'd try to stay up all night if I let her.

"Noooooooo, I want to stay with Carter."

Carter hugged her. "How about…I give you an airplane ride to bed, then mommy can tuck you in. And, I promise I will come and see you again soon."

"Really? You'll visit me?"  Her eyes widened, I could see the excitement that simple statement caused, and it made me a bit sad.  She didn't have a strong male influence in her life, she was absolutely gaga over Carter.

"Yes, I will." Brooklynn hugged him and he swung her up making airplane noises and landed her on her bed. She crawled in and demanded a hug and a kiss from Carter.

I took over and finished tucking her in. She had not let go of Bella the bunny and the rabbit was tucked into bed with her, her smiling face showing me she was happy at bedtime for the first time since we moved to Chicago. I put on her nighttime music and shut the door. I was dreading this moment, but now I had no choice, I couldn't put it off any longer.  Time to face Carter, he wasn't happy with me, rightfully so, I;d kept a huge secret from him.

Carter stood looking out my window. I tread softly across the room, stopping beside him.

"John," I forced out the word in a whisper. I wanted to hug him, but I didn't dare. The anger simmering under the surface of his calm exterior was palpable.

"Well, I guess I know why you never wanted me to come here, what you were hiding." I didn't miss the anger and disappointment seeping into his low tone.

"I'm sorry…I should have told you….I didn't know how."

He glared at me with his dark eyes. "Ya think?" he said sarcastically. "Yeah, I bet it would have been too awkward, right? Hey guess what John, you have a _daughter_  I never told you about? And I didn't want you to know."

I didn't know what to say, the tears built behind my eyes.

"She's _my_ child, isn't she, Susan? My _daughter_?"

I looked down at the floor, not able to meet his accusing stare. "She's yours."

"What the fuck, Susan. I'm finding out about her now, damn it! She's four years old! I have a four year old daughter?" He sank down on to the sofa and put his head in his hands, running his fingers through his hair. I knew he was troubled and incredibly upset. "We've been…seeing each other every day, for over a month. You didn't say a damn word about having a daughter, let alone that she's my kid. What the hell were you thinking?"

I sat beside him. "I didn't want to ruin your life, you were an intern and I was a resident. I left Chicago to have Brooklynn, I wanted a baby, when I found out I was pregnant, I knew it would be too complicated if I stayed. You could have lost your internship and I could have lost my residency. So I went to Phoenix, no one knew me, so no one would _see_ – that she was your baby. Someone at County would have figured that out, and I wasn't sure then if I was having a girl or a boy, but I knew the baby could end up looking like you, and someone would have noticed."

"Why didn't you tell me when you came back? I'm in a different place now, you don't need to worry about this affecting my career, _and you didn't even say you had a child._ Not even one word – I wondered why we were even seeing each other, you never wanted to stay over. It's the same as it always was with us, right?"

"No John…we have something, I…care about you, I wanted to be with you...and I still do."

He shook his head in disbelief. "Right, sure you do, you couldn't even tell me about my kid. Do you even know how to tell the truth? Why did you come back to Chicago?  You didn't come back to tell me about her, that's obvious."

"I missed home, Chloe left Phoenix, so I wanted to come back. I took the job at Northwestern because I never dreamed anyone from County would be there. I thought you were at County and in Surgery, not in the ER at Northwestern. I thought I could come back and you would never know I was here, but then, you were at Northwestern. And…I was still really attracted to you, the old feelings came back and I wanted to be with you, but, I was scared to tell you."

"So then if I hadn't been at Northwestern, I wouldn't know about my daughter. You were never going to tell me?" He shot me an angry look. "I could have helped you, Susan. I could have at least given you some financial support, something, if you had told me. Maybe you didn't want me to be there, or you were worried about our careers, but, she's my child. You think I wouldn't have been there for you?"

"I know you would have, that's why I left, why I didn't tell you. I didn't think you were ready for that kind of commitment, you were in the first year of a demanding internship, you wouldn't have had time for a baby."

" _That_ should have been my decision, don't you think? Maybe you could have given me the opportunity to try? She told me today, she doesn't have a daddy but she does – or she could've if you'd let her."

"I'm sorry, I did what I thought was right at the time. Could you imagine what would have happened if anyone at work had found out I was pregnant? That the baby was yours?" I rested my head in my hands, tears dribbling down my face. "I've really messed this up, and I'm sorry."

"Sorry? You're sorry. Like you can ever make up for it?" His voice was choked up and he shook his head. "Nothing makes sense here. Why did you get involved with me, why did you hide having a child, you had to know I'd find out sometime. How could you let me find out like... _that._ "

"I didn't mean to let this go on so long, I left you a message last night, and tried to see you, I was ready to tell you about her. Getting involved this time around, it just kind of happened, you know? I still have feelings for you, I always did, even after I left Chicago. I left because I was worried the baby would look like you, _you_ spotted it right away. And you were seeing someone else by then too."

"Just kind of happened. Wonderful endorsement. And as far as me seeing someone else, _you_ wanted it that way, you made it clear it was just sex, Susan. You didn't want a future, and I respected that. But, _a baby_ , don't you think that should have changed everything? That I had a right to know about _my_  child?"

"I know what I told you, I'm not saying I'm angry or upset that you moved on, but we didn't intend to have a baby, and I didn't want to ruin your life. You didn't plan on being a father at twenty-four, I decided I wanted the baby and did what I thought was best. And for the record, it wasn't just sex, I had feelings for you, but…you know all the reasons I couldn't give in to them. At that time, with the circumstances, I didn't think we could be together."

"So you made the choice for me." He sighed. "I wasn't in the ER as much the last 3 months you were there, or maybe I would have clued in you were pregnant. I wish I had seen it."

"No, I went out of my way to hide it…I worked night shifts since I was queasy in the mornings for a while, and I dressed to hide it, my clothes were just starting to get too tight at the end. I looked like I had gained a bit of weight, but I just made a big deal about not eating properly with the shift work, made sure they saw me with a few too many bad food choices. No one figured it out, and those nurses are sharp, especially Carol, Chuney and Haleh. Plus Mark was…" I trailed off, and wiped away the tears with the back of my hand.

"Totally in love with you? Yeah, I know, he was a real grouch after you left. I missed you, but you made it clear were never serious about me, you made a point of telling me it was a meaningless fling, so I moved on. Should have remembered what happened last time, before we got involved again, but I thought maybe things would be different, now we are on a more even career footing it might work. Now I know I was delusional. How could we have something, I can't trust you."

"You weren't wrong. We have something, I screwed it up by not being honest with you, not telling you that first night we went out. If I could rewind time, I would have told you right away."

"We could go around this for hours Susan, fact is you hid her from me. Even with how much we've been seeing each other over the last month, for whatever reason, you were hiding it. Why hide her now? I don't understand, unless you just never wanted me to be part of her life. That I don't get, after everything, our relationship five years ago, our friendship, and what has been happening with us since you came back. Why wouldn't you want me to be part of her life."

"I was scared to tell you. I knew you'd be upset with me, I knew I might lose you, your friendship, everything and I let it go on too long. I should have told you, and you might still have been angry with me, but right now...you're looking at me like...you hate me."

He sighed. "I don't hate _you_ Susan, I hate what you've _done_. It's like...everything we had meant so little you couldn't trust me with my own child? You think I wouldn't have supported you, or that I wouldn't be a good father? You're right, I would have been angry if you told me as soon as you came back, but it would have been easier to take than finding out now, like that. I accidentally found out, you clearly didn't want me involved, and that's hard for me to accept. But now…I know. I can't and won't to pretend I don't know about her. I want to be part of her life, and we're going to have to figure this out."

"Or what?"

"What do you mean, or what? There is no 'or what', I'm going to be part of her life."

"Or you're going to take her away from me? I'd fight you."

His eyes flashed and I realized he was furious, something I'd never seen coming from Carter before today. "Don't be stupid Susan, take a little girl away from her mother? She's happy, you've obviously been a good mother to her, I would never take her away from you. Who do you think I am? Do you know me at all?" His voice rose, anger in every word.

"Shh, you're going to wake her up, John."

He rubbed his hands over his face, he was visibly distressed by this exchange, but he lowered his voice. "I want to get to know her, she's my daughter, I want to be part of her life…you know, take her to her soccer games, take her to the park… _be_ part of her life. I get this isn't what you wanted, and we could fight about it in court, but we don't need to do that. We both know I could push the issue legally and win joint custody, but it wouldn't be good for anyone, especially not for Brooklynn." He crossed his arms and stared at me, I knew he was hurt and angry...and right.  John Carter was a smart man, and well educated by his family, he knew his legal rights backwards, forwards and upside down. I'd be a fool to even consider fighting him in court, he would take me to the cleaners if I put up any resistance.

It was also true that he was right to want to be part of her life. He was a good person, he'd never hurt my little girl... _our_ little girl, I corrected myself mentally.  Now he knew he had a child, it wouldn't hurt to let him in, Brooklynn would certainly benefit from having him in her life. 

"You're right, I know you better, it was a stupid comment. I'm sorry, we don't need to get into a legal fight, we can figure this out. I don't know what to tell her, how to do this?"

"Well, let's start with what you've told her, where does she think I am?"

"She's only four, so I haven't had to explain it much, she just accepts she doesn't have a daddy."

"Okay, so what do you suggest – it seems like she will accept me pretty easily given how she was tonight."

"I can't argue with that, she takes a long time to warm up to people usually, but she accepted you really quickly. You know, I never thought you wouldn't be a good dad, I just panicked about having to tell you."

"I don't really get that, we have known each other for years, we didn't have a one night stand, I know how and when it happened. It wouldn't have been so unexpected if you had told me back then, I knew it was possible, but then you never said anything so, I assumed it was all okay. Stupid on my part."

I didn't know what else to say to him, we both knew when and how, he may not have been that surprised if I had told him, and I did think he would be a good dad at some point in his life.

He continued. "She's a great kid, I really want to get to know her. _"_

"She is great, she's really smart, stubborn sometimes, but sweet too. The stubborn is all you, Carter."

"Right, blame me." There was a small flash of humour in his eyes, then he was serious again. "So we need to figure this out, how are we going to do this."

"I can just start including you when we do things, let her get to know you."

"I want her to know who I am, she is going to need to know at some point, I don't ever want her to think I just abandoned her Susan.  I want her to know I'm her father, it's non negotiable.  She needs a daddy, Susan."

This was all so difficult, but I could see his point. I didn't give him the chance to be there, and Brooklynn needed to know that her dad didn't leave her.  He was right again, she needed a daddy, I could sometimes see the wistful look in her eyes, the longing when her friends had been at the park with their dads, even when Joe had called Susie 'his little girl.  She was too young to identify it quite yet, but one day soon she would start to realize what she was missing, and here he was, her own father, desperately wanting to be part of his daughters world.  I had no heart to refuse him, knowing how much I loved both of them, how could I keep them apart any longer?

"Can we think on how and when to tell her? For now, can we just introduce you into her life? You can see her…I am not even going to try and stop you, I have no reason to not allow you to see her."  I can see the hope in his eyes, the relief that he does not have to make this adversarial, that I am giving in so easily to his demand.

"Okay, let's think about how to do this – I think we both need a little time, but we should figure out our schedules so I can spend some time with her."

"I was thinking of taking her to the Navy Pier on my next day off – if you can, you should come with us. I'm off on Friday."

"I think I work until noon on Friday, so I probably can, depending on what time you're planning."

"I'll let you know, but we could go in the afternoon so you could come with us." I concede, we are going to have to work on this new dynamic.

"Okay, so…I have an early shift, I need to go and get some sleep."

"I wish you could stay."

He looked at me, his eyes were not giving anything away, I was not sure what he was thinking.  Obviously I missed the part where Carter learned to hide his feelings, boy did he mature while I was gone. "You wish I could, or you want me to."

"I want you to stay."

"Why?"

"There is no reason for you not to stay now, I hope we can get past this."

"Except for the fact that you were lying to me…and hiding something pretty major. How long have you been hiding this...five years? Doesn't do much for me, Susan. I don't want the kind of relationship where there's no trust. I'm angry, don't kid yourself it's okay…it's not, it's a lot for me to take in. We need to work together, both professionally at the hospital and of course personally, to do what is right for Brooklynn. Beyond that, we have nothing. We'll talk tomorrow."

 _We have nothing._ The words stung, but I only had myself to blame. I'd damaged our relationship, and it wouldn't be easy to regain his trust.

"Okay, you're right, I can see why you feel that way, I should have told you right away, but I knew….as soon as you saw her and knew her age, you would know she was yours, and I wasn't prepared – to see you again, to realize that I still cared about you, that I was still attracted to you. I panicked, and you have every reason to be angry."

"We can't undo it, or change it, we need to figure out where we go from here."

"I want to...fix things, please give me a chance."

He looked at me with such disappointment, I wanted to crawl under my covers and never come out.

"Five damn years, and you couldn't make a single phone call. Un-fucking-believable. You think there's anything left to fix? Seriously?"

Good question, Carter, very good question. I quickly brushed away a tear before he could see that I was crying again. I wished I could wrap my arms around him, and I instinctively stepped towards him, but the look he gave me stopped me in my tracks. 

He gave his head a shake and turned, walking out the door, letting it slam behind him. He couldn't even look at me, let alone hug me or kiss me. I'd made a huge mess, and I didn't know how to even begin cleaning it up.

I laid awake for a long time that night, crying into my pillow. He'd never forgive me.

 


	3. Five Years Ago...

_5 Years Earlier_

I desperately missed Susie, my little story book, and I thought about her all the time. The therapy helped but I'd put the rest of my life on hold and I now...well, I was often at loose ends. I really needed to start dating again.

It had been a long shift, and I was exhausted, but the idea of sitting home alone had absolutely no appeal. I wandered into the pub on a whim, slumping onto a bar stool and ordering a drink. I sipped the fruity concoction, not noticing someone had dropped onto the stool beside me.

"Dr. Lewis." The familiar voice cut into my thoughts.

"Carter? What are you doing here?" I smiled at him, he'd appeared from no where. "And it's Susan, remember?

I hadn't seen him for a couple months, he'd gone on vacation before subjecting himself to further abuse from Peter Benton. He'd be starting his internship soon. 

"Right, sorry. Susan." His deep brown eyes observed me seriously for a moment, before he smiled back at me.

He looked good.  And I mean really, really good! His skin had a tanned glow, and his hair had grown, and looked so soft and silky, I wanted to reach out and run my fingers through it. He wore expensive designer jeans and a button down shirt, casual, but dressy. He smelled heavenly, I caught a whiff of his expensive cologne as he leaned in to take the bottle the bartender placed before him.

I must have been staring, because he gave me a quizzical look before he took a sip of his beer. "What?"

"What are you doing here? And sorry, you're dressed….so casually, a side of you I've never seen."

"Hanging out with some friends. We come here sometimes to play pool." He turned and pointed to a booth near the pool table, there was a fair sized group of guys, some playing pool, some being generally loud and rowdy and drinking beer. There were a few girls hanging around too, some really beautiful girls. I wondered if one of them was Carter's girlfriend. "I've been known to wear jeans now and then. Can I buy you a drink?"

"So, trying to get me drunk and pick me up in the bar now?" I teased, remembering how he'd tried to kiss me that Christmas Div left, and how tempted I was to let him. To invite him into my apartment and see where it went. But the alarm bells went off, and anyway, Chloe was inside waiting for me. Good thing too, sleeping with a med student was against the hospital policy and had serious repercussions if you were caught. I'd been attracted, no question, I likely would have let him take me to bed.

He laughed and winked at me. "Never, thought you looked a little down, maybe you needed a drink and some company."

Oh boy, he was too damn cute, and he was flirting with me. 

"Your friends won't miss you?" I motioned towards the table at the back of the pub.

"Nah, I saw most of them over the summer, you know a bunch of us hung out. Besides, they're guys, they'll always forgive me for ditching them for the hot blond chick at the bar."

"Carter." I protested half-heartedly. The guy couldn't help himself, but…I loved the attention. It had been a long while since a man paid much attention. The dating scene was hit and miss since Div dumped me, and little Susie had taken an enormous amount of my time.

"Susan." He tipped back his beer, then nodded at the bartender. Another beer appeared for him along with a fresh drink for me.

"What about the blond that keeps looking this way. She's not your girlfriend is she?" I noticed a particularly beautiful blonde stealing glances at us.

His gorgeous brown eyes sparkled as he glanced over at the table, then back at me with a smirk. "Nope. Tiffany is dating Jim, you don't need to worry about her. Besides, we're only having a drink."

Fair point, but I was happy to hear he wasn't dating the intimidatingly gorgeous blonde, though why mattered to me, I didn't know.

"What did you do all summer?"

He looked down as if embarrassed. "Oh, some island hopping in the Caribbean, some diving, sailing, you know, various water sports. Hanging out on the beach, some club hopping at night."

"Ah. Sounds fun." He spent the summer in the Caribbean? The whole summer?

"It was, going to be tough to go back to work." He signalled the bartender who set me up with another round. I'd finished my drink without realizing, those fruity ones went down smooth but packed a kick. "Can you start us a tab?"

The bartender nodded as Carter dropped a credit card on the bar. The bartender ran it through the machine then handed it back.

Carter turned to me. "What's new with you?"

The drinks had obviously loosened my tongue, and I found myself unloading my troubles. He'd always been a good listener and he didn't interrupt. I'd known him a couple years and we'd spent time up on the roof - him dealing with being Benton's student and me dealing with my family issues. I told him how much I missed Susie, and he ordered another round of drinks. The drinks had hit me hard, and he suggested food, moving us to a booth.

I had to admit, it was fun, laughing and talking. His friend Jim and the lovely Tiffany joined us for one drink, then the group seemed to dissipate, leaving Carter and I alone. Most of the guys seemed to have left with someone, and I wondered if Carter picked up women so easily, he sure the hell did at work. Something about the way he looked at me...

I blushed as I realized I hadn't been using my inside voice. We were both drunk, but I still couldn't believe I'd actually _said_  it out loud.

He laughed and and shook his head. "Do you pick up random guys at the bar and take them home?"

"Did I say that out loud?"

"Uh huh. You're amazed that I pick women up at work and wonder if I pick up women in bars on a regular basis. Is that what you want to know?  I want to know if Susan Lewis picks up guys randomly in bars." He swallowed a mouthful of beer.

"I asked you first."

He shrugged, and gave me a wicked grin. "Wouldn't _you_ like to know. And I like intelligent attractive women, the hospital is a convenient place to meet them."

I have to give him that, he's dated attractive, and smart women - Harper was definitely his type, blond, beautiful and highly intelligent.

"Wow, okay. I guess it's my turn. I don't generally pick up guys and take them home, I tend to have longer term relationships. Tonight is an exception." I couldn't believe I said it, but we'd been flirting, the alcohol had lowered my inhibitions and impaired my judgement, but I didn't care. A dangerous game, I knew it, but the attraction was undeniable.

"An exception? Why Susan, are you trying to pick me up and take me home with you?" He said playfully, his dark eyes flickering with hint of desire.

I moved closer, leaned in and whispered into his ear. "I'd hope you'd take me to your place." I ran my fingers through his hair suggestively, I'd soooo wanted to touch his hair for the last several hours. And ever since I'd been working with him, really. So soft and silky, it felt as good as it looked. I played with the hair at the nape of his neck, moving even closer. He turned towards me, and I kissed him.

His surprise lasted only a moment, before his hand wrapped in my hair, our tongues meeting and entwining. I rested a palm on his cheek, the other still in his hair as he pulled me against him. He tasted good, he smelled delicious and he was warm, his skin smooth, and my senses became overwhelmed.

Time froze, his lips lingered on mine, and I badly wanted him to take me home. I longed for his touch, for his body against mine, and I straddled him in the booth, the kiss getting hotter and more passionate. We pulled apart and he gazed at me, I felt almost hypnotized, drowning in the depths of his dark chocolate eyes. My heart pounded as he captured my mouth in another kiss. My belly tingled with desire as his warm lips caressed mine, and I wrapped an arm around his neck to pull him closer. His arm looped around my waist, his warm hand sliding up my back, underneath my shirt. A shiver went down my spine and we broke apart, our foreheads resting against each others for a second.

I didn't move away, our breaths mingling before he kissed me again. His tongue stroked mine and I rocked my hips against him suggestively. A little moan escaped the back of my throat, he'd gotten the picture. I was serious, I was practically begging him to rip my clothes off. He slid me off his lap, then stood and wordlessly held out his hand. An invitation I accepted by entwining my fingers with his, sliding out of the booth and letting him lead me out of the pub.

Carter didn't live far away, and we were at his place quickly. Everything from that moment on happened just as quickly. He unlocked the door and pulled me in, pushing it shut and turning the lock with a quick motion. His arms wrapped around me, pulling my body tight against his, and I met his hungry lips with equal fervour, it got hot and heavy rapidly. He pressed me against the door, working at the buttons of my blouse. I couldn't be bothered with his, I gave a yank, and heard the soft patter of buttons scattering across the wood floor.

I ran my hand over the front of his pants as he divested me of my bra, rubbing him, undoing his jeans to get to him. We finished undressed each other on the way to his bedroom, bits of clothing landing here and there, leaving a trail from the doorway.

He took me down onto the bed, soft sheets enveloping us, his warm naked body on mine. It had been a while since I'd been with someone, and being with Carter was a fantasy coming true. Ever since Christmas two years ago, I'd wondered what it would be like to have Carter make love to me, but I'd never, ever thought I'd be in his bed. Even now, this moment, it felt unreal, like a strange and erotic dream.

"You're so beautiful." His words were a gentle breath against my skin, his lips travelled down to my breasts, and his tongue teased each nipple in turn. His hands were gentle, yet confident as they caressed me, as we kissed and touched, learning each others body. At some point he reached for something in the bedside table drawer, but he never broke contact with me the whole time. I refused to let him go, I craved the feeling of his skin against mine.

I heard the package rip open and I took the condom from his fingers, stroking him gently before I rolled it down over him. The pause was brief, and we held eye contact for a moment. Our mutual desire reflected back at each other as he entered me and I moaned softly at how good it felt.  He filled me up, then pulled back before pushing in deeply again. He moved slowly to let my body adjust and accommodate him. I grabbed his tight ass, holding him there for a moment, before I slid them upwards.

His lips were on mine again, and we shared a hot, passionate kiss. I lost all sense of time and coherent thought, I let myself go, enjoying every sensation as I stroked the smooth skin of his back with my fingertips.

Our bodies rocked together, my hips rising to meet his, not frantic, but smooth and sensual. His eyes were half closed, but he was watching me and I watched him. The expressions passing across his face as we naturally started to move faster against each other, the feelings intensifying as his thrusts became harder, faster.  I couldn't stop the soft noises issuing from my mouth. Oh's of pleasure, I couldn't remember when having a man inside me felt so damn good, it had been far too long.

The feeling rose straight from my toes. "Oh god," I gasped, panting as I wrapped my legs around him taking him deeper into my body. Finally, the wave crashed over me, and I cried out as my back arched, my eyes slamming shut as I came. 

He buried his head against my neck, his low groan filling my ears as he climaxed moments later. He collapsed against me, his body like a warm blanket until he rolled off to take care of the condom. Then he took me in his arms, cuddling me against his chest. My heart pounded as I thought about how incredible it had been, how wonderful to be held so warmly, so closely.

I didn't want it to end, and he didn't move away, he only rolled on to his back, letting me rest my head on his chest as he stroked my arm. We were comfortable in the silence, and I dozed off, awaking sometime later with a start. My first thought was 'where am I', before it all flooded back. Carter. I had sex with Carter!

The bed beside me was empty, but still warm and only moments I felt his weight on the bed as he slid under the covers, his arms wrapping around me. "Sorry to wake you," he said in a hushed tone.

"It's okay." I tilted up my head towards him, looking into his eyes, and he gave me a smile.

I brushed my fingers over his cheek, leaning in to kiss him. With no hesitation, he kissed me back, his mouth hot on mine, his hands stroking my body. The desire coursed through me, our bodies entwining. We had sex again, the second time even better than the the first. 

_Why didn't I do this before? This guy's amazing in bed._

My thoughts jumbled as we caught our breath, then he kissed me. I ran my fingers through his hair, letting the feelings consume me as his lips created a fiery trail down my body. We couldn't get enough of each other it seemed, my body responding to his every touch. "Carter," I moaned as our bodies joined for the third time.

He paused his movements, his breath warm on my cheek. "Susan."

I opened my eyes, staring up at him, his eyes almost black with desire. I wanted to beg him not to stop. 

"Say my name." His lips caressed mine. "Say it."

"Car-" I started but it was cut off as he placed a fingertip on my lips. I suddenly realized. "John," I whispered.

I ran my fingers through his hair, then down his back, our eyes locked as he moved against me. It didn't take long, my body sensitive to every touch, I cried out, digging nails into his flesh. Our breaths mingled as I recovered, then rolled us. He went over easily, and I straddled him, his hands grasping my hips as I took control. This time he let himself finish, and I collapsed beside him on the bed, a quivering heap.

"Shit," he mumbled, disappearing into the bathroom.

I stared at the ceiling, confused at his sudden departure, but he soon came back out and dropped onto the bed beside me.

"You're on birth control, right?"

"Yes," I replied. Of course I had been forever, but...I couldn't say I'd been diligent about it lately. I hadn't been dating much and it had been hit and miss. "Why?"

"The condom broke."

"Oh...ohhhhh." I sat up as my eyes widened. "You use them all the time right?"

"Uh huh, I'm careful. You?"

"Yes." Again true, even with Div I used condoms every time and there hadn't been many guys in my bed since then. "I'm sure it'll be fine, then. No needle sticks or anything and I get tested too."

He looked relieved, and I couldn't blame him, we weren't dating, this was a one night stand...wasn't it? I wiggled over and lay across his chest. 

"Sorry." He kissed my hair, wrapping an arm around me.

"It's okay. Don't worry about it." I exuded a calmness I didn't feel, but no point in panicking, not much we could do about it, sometimes it happened. Having it happen with Carter, another doctor, was some comfort.

I closed my eyes, drifting for while as I listened to the beat of his heart under my ear. I awoke again much later, the room dark, his breathing soft and even against my neck. "John," I whispered, shaking him gently.

I'd totally sobered up by this time, and I wondered if this would be one night only. It had to be, getting involved, well that couldn't happen. Not if a valued my job. I stroked his hair, then leaned in to kiss him, sliding my hand down his firm, smooth chest. Ever downwards, across his surprisingly tight and toned abs, finding what I sought.

His inhale informed me he'd woken up, the hand wrapping into my hair and pulling my mouth down to his, told me he wanted it as much as I did. Our limbs tangled, as did our tongues, I entwined my fingers with his, throwing a leg over him, pinning him to the mattress. I didn't worry about protection this time, we'd essentially had unprotected sex already. It felt so damn good to me, his smooth skin against mine, the feeling of heat filling me as he came inside me. All the feelings intensified as my body clenched around him.

He held me afterwards, our bodies entwined and intimately joined as we kissed deeply and passionately. This ended up being intermission, recovery time before he loved me all over again. My body had grown sensitive to every touch and movement as our sweaty bodies rocked against each other. The world stop momentarily, my muscles locking as the exquisite waves washed over me, I couldn't breath as my hips push up against him. The warmth and secure feeling of his weight as he collapsed, both of us gasping for air.

We finally fell asleep, physically exhausted, and when I woke up he was sleeping. He looked so innocent laying there, so young and sweet I felt a touch guilty for a moment. Then the memories of the night overtook me, and I smiled. Innocent, ha! Not in the slightest, I would never look at him the same again. He'd rocked my world...repeatedly.

I gave him a soft, tender kiss and carefully slipped from under the arm draped across me. Without waking him I gathered my scattered clothing, quietly dressed, and left his apartment. I smiled all the way home, and through my shower. It had been wrong to sleep with him, but - the sex was incredible and even at that early hour I couldn't keep the grin off my face.

I headed in to work, wishing I was still in bed with Carter. I got several comments about how happy I looked and many speculative looks throughout the day. Mark of course was the worst.

"Get lucky?" he whispered in the lounge.

"Nope, finally had a good nights sleep." I shrugged and poured a cup of the awful hospital coffee.

"Uh, right. Wish I could get some 'sleep' like you obviously had last night. Tell me about him." Mark teased me, giving my shoulder a poke.

I rolled my eyes at him, and smiled mysteriously, no way in hell could I tell him where I spent the night. Not unless I wanted to get fired.

It couldn't happen again, ever. Nonetheless, after work my feet found their own way, and I tapped on his door. I hadn't called, and I had no idea if he'd be home. The door opened, though, and he stood there, looking amazing. He stepped back to allow me inside.

No words, I simply wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him in to kiss me. The need and ache to possess him built, I moaned against his mouth, and pressed my body to his. He entwined our fingers and led me to his bedroom.

He took his time, kissing me, undressing me, caressing me, and I savoured undressing and kissing him. He wasn't shy or hesitant or self-conscious and he made me feel beautiful as he lavished attention all over my body.  His lips travelled down over my skin, all the way down to my knees, then back up my inner thighs. I inhaled deeply, then gasped as he tasted me, nibbling, licking and sucking in a way that made me squirm, and moan in pleasure. I lifted myself against his mouth, then my knees locked against him and my hands clutched his hair as he took me over the edge, making me cry out.

I welcomed him into my body, still pulsating from the treatment he'd given me, not surprised at how quickly I climaxed once, twice, then again before he finally enjoyed his own release. 

I snuggled close to him, completely satisfied and sated. I loved how cuddly he was after sex, so many guys rolled over and were snoring in minutes. "This shouldn't have happened. We could get in big trouble at work, and we can't do it again."

"Mmhm," he said against my hair.

I looked up at him, his deep brown eyes were amused. "You know I'm right. I could lose my job for sleeping with you."

"No one knows, and no one needs to know, Susan. We're both consenting adults. I'm not going to tell anyone, and I don't regret it. I like you, you know I've had a crush on you since my first year at County, if I had my way we'd have done this long before now."

No arguing with him, I knew this to be true. I blushed, we'd had fantastic sex, multiple times last night and again now, and he was so damn calm. It struck me that he'd dealt with the 'morning after' awkwardness more often than me. And my resolve was non existent. I knew it was wrong, yet here I was, lying in his arms, in his bed after another round of fantastic, noisy, hot, earth shattering sex. So often when you fantasized about something, the reality fell far short. In this case, it went the other way, the reality was way better than the fantasy, and I wasn't ready for it to end. For the first time in my life, I thought I knew what it meant to feel the earth move, Div sure hadn't made me feel this good...ever.

I propped myself up on one elbow. "I think we have both wanted…this…for a while. We just have to keep it between us, I don't think anyone will agree it was okay."

He nodded and brushed his fingertips down my cheek, the shiver ran down my spine at his warm touch. "Probably not. I won't tell anyone, Susan. It's our secret."

I relaxed, he wasn't one to kiss and tell, and he made me feel at ease. I realized I'd been feeling strange about the fact he's younger than me. But it didn't seem to bother Carter to be with an older woman. The majority of men I'd dated had been at least 4 years older than me, Carter was probably the first guy I'd slept with who was younger. Honestly, I wondered why I'd waited so long, having a younger lover was fantastic, at least if you had one who knew what he was doing. And Carter definitely knew how to please a woman, plus his recovery time was phenomenal. 

Later we took a bath, then went back to his bed, our moans of pleasure filled the air. I couldn't keep quiet, and he didn't expect me too. I knew I'd be sore tomorrow, but hell, it would be worth it. Nothing seemed off limits between us, he was uninhibited in the bedroom. I wasn't exactly a prude either, and I enjoyed the adventurous nature, the almost primal quality of the sex.

"Are you hungry?" he asked.

"Starving, to be honest. I haven't had much of an appetite since Susie left."

"What do you want? I can order in for us. We missed dinnertime." He smirked.

We ordered Chinese food, sharing right from the containers while lounging in his bed. He had a massive king sized bed, with very soft sheets.

I fed him some noodles. "This bed is sooo comfy, this was a good idea."

"Thank my Gamma, when I move out of my parent's house, she bought me a bunch of stuff. Well, it was her personal assistant, but I'm not complaining." He shared a bite of the last dumpling, then brushed a crumb off my lip with his thumb.

"So, everyone comments on how rich your family is – is any of that true? Jerry always is talking about Roland Carter."

"Roland is my uncle. You know, Jerry is a little thick sometimes, since I am John Truman III, it makes sense that my dad is John Truman II – but he goes by Jack. My grandfather is John Truman Sr. But I didn't correct him, if he wants to think Roland is my dad, whatever. And yes, we have money, quite a lot of money actually. I kept it quiet to start, but then when Jim's dad came into the ER, Benton figured it out, he heard me ask about Jim and figured out how I knew who Mr. Davis was as soon as I saw him."

"So you're the lucky one to get the name. You'd have thought that anyone hearing John Truman Carter the third, would clue in to the money part...but then again I guess you were quickly known as Carter."

"I only introduce myself usually as John Carter, but Jerry was digging and figured out my full name. Trust him to pull out the Chicago magazine and look up my family - though he's connecting me to the wrong Carter. But don't tell him that...ever, or he'll go on a more thorough search."

"Don't worry, I wouldn't dream of it. It doesn't really matter, to me, you're Carter. I don't care about the money. "

"Anyway, who you know from the hospital is who I am, money doesn't make you better than anyone else, and it isn't everything." He took another bite of the noodles. "Hey, you have tomorrow off, I should take you to my grandparent's house, they're in New York right now, but I stay there whenever I want. We can go horseback riding, or for a swim in the pool – or both."

I ran my fingers through his soft hair and kissed him. "Wouldn't keep us as much of a secret though."

"Oh, our staff is…..discreet. They wouldn't dare say a word about anything I do at their house, my grandmother, she rules with an iron fist. We don't have to, but if you want….we could go tomorrow. No chance of running into anyone from the hospital either, and I think that's what you're really worried about."

I was curious about his life and a day of riding and lounging by a pool appealed, so the next day, he took me to the house. It was set on acres and acres of land, a massive house, all stone with impressive and perfectly manicured gardens surrounding it.

"A fountain?" I giggled as he pulled up in front of one of the garages. "This is a castle!" 

"Haha. Yeah, well, you can't say anything about it work." He grinned. "I know you won't because then you'll have to explain what you were doing at my grandparents house."

He came around and opened my door, then led me into the house. Walked right in, and a staff member appeared, showing no surprise at all.

"How are you today, Dr. Carter?"

"Great thanks, Alger. Gamma still in New York?"

"Yes sir, your grandparents will be back in a couple days. Will you and your guest be here for dinner?"

"Yes, dinner around seven?"

"Very good sir." Alger disappeared.

"Who the hell are you?" I frowned, I'd never been in a house anything like this, and...he acted like it was no big deal. Dinner at seven? Like it would magically appear on the table?

Carter gave me a brief tour, then took me to the stables – and someone else appeared.

"Dr. Carter, can I get any of the horses ready for you?"

"That's okay Frank, I'll take care of it. I'll take Eclipse and Aria."

"Perfect, they need some exercise." Frank nodded and then wandered off towards the far end of the stable.

Carter selected two horses, and they were truly beautiful animals. "Western or English?"

"Western?" I responded, I'd never had a choice, not that I'd ridden all that much.

He saddled them expertly, setting a Western saddle onto my horse, Aria, and Eclipse with an English saddle. I could tell he'd done a lot of horseback riding, but then who wouldn't with a stable full at their disposal. I looked down the row of stalls, and most were occupied, there had to be at least a dozen horses in here.

He handed me up into the saddle and shortened my stirrups, then we rode out onto their land. Acres of beautiful treed land, even crossing a fence line.

"Won't the owners mind?"

"Nope, this is Carter land, my parents own it. Their house is over that way a couple miles." He pointed then carried on.

We rode for a couple hours, and it turned out to be incredibly fun. Upon our return to the barn, he efficient removed the saddles, and we groomed the horses before he turned them out into a field. Watching him move, so easily, so confidently made me want him again, and I pulled him into one of the empty stalls, and kissed him deeply, and ran my hand down over the front of his jeans.

"Insatiable woman." He teased.

"Absolutely, what are you going to do about it?"  I challenged him.

He pulled me towards him, skimming his hands over my body, stopping to undo my jeans. He slid down to his knees, taking them with him, along with my skimpy thong. He pushed me back against the boards, covering me with his mouth.

"Oh," I moaned, powerless to move as he toyed with me. My legs turned to jelly as I climaxed, and he stood and kissed me. I could taste myself on his tongue, my hand frantically worked at unzipping his jeans and freeing him from his boxers. I wanted him, I couldn't wait.

He lifted me, and I wrapped my legs around him as he drove into me hard and fast, his breathing rough against my ear. I threw back my head, and moaned at every thrust, clutching his shoulders, our climaxes coming within seconds of each other.

"Oh baby, you're so hot." His voice was low as he caught his breath and let me back down to my feet. "Time for a swim. We need to cool off."

I laughed softly at that, but I couldn't deny it, that was pretty damn hot. I'd never had a guy fuck me against the side of a stall, and I enjoyed every second of it.

Carter grabbed our swim suits from his Jeep, and we changed in the pool house, then spent a couple of hours swimming and playing around in the olympic sized pool. Iced tea had appeared on one of the tables, along with a pitcher of ice water, I sighed gratefully as I lounged and sipped the cold liquid. It had turned out to be a very hot day, and relaxing here was a welcome change to the heat of the city. 

Even hotter was our interlude after our swim time, as he laid me out and loved me in the pool house, before we showered and dressed.  Our bodies entwined and moving together, both of us trying to be quiet, letting only soft moans escape us.

As evening fell, we went back to the house and ate at the granite island in the kitchen. Someone had made an elaborate meal including dessert, but they were discreet, they seem to fade away, though before she left, the woman I took to be the cook said something quietly to Carter, touched his arm with what I read to be affection and he gave her – almost a hug. I noticed the staff all seemed to have great respect and love for him.

"Do they always feed you like this? This is so delicious." If I were him, I'd eat here all the time.

"Oh standing orders, Gamma has told the staff if I'm here during a mealtime, then she expects there be a proper meal for me, whether they are home or not. They know I have a guest, so they made enough for two, no questions asked. For some reason she thinks I can't feed myself – but hey, no complaints, Corinne is an excellent cook. I spent a lot of time here, my parents travel a lot and this is my second home." He hesitated. "This house feels more like home to me than my parents place actually, though I can walk in there anytime I want as well, no matter if they are home or not. They're usually somewhere overseas."

"You always seem like just a regular guy, yet, look at this place."

He looked at me with a little grin "I am just a regular guy, Susan, I happen to come from a family with money. Money isn't everything, trust me on that."

I didn't truly understand, but there were many things I didn't know about John Carter.

After dinner, he took me upstairs, there were two 'wings' and he led me to the right and into a very large bedroom. He pushed the door shut with his foot and kissed me. He started to undo my shirt, but I hesitated. This was his grandmother's house. "Are you sure? Won't someone mind?"

"Mind? This is my private room, I stay here whenever I visit. Don't worry, no one else is here, there isn't anyone around to care what I do in my room."

"Aside from the staff.  Who have probably already gotten an earful of us today."

"They're doing their jobs, not worrying about what I'm doing, I practically lived here when I was a kid, so….it's fine Susan. We're not committing a crime or anything."  And I'm sure they are not listening to us, there was no one around the stables this afternoon. Frank was down at the house for lunch, and the pool house isn't close to the main house either."

"So you bring girls here all the time?" I felt strangely jealous at the thought.

"Here in my room, you mean? No, you're the first I've brought in here – my grandmother has met some of my girlfriends, and some have been to the house, but…not up here." He shrugged and I felt better knowing he'd never been here with anyone else.

I looked around the room, it was nicer than any place I'd ever stayed. I imagined this was what a 5 star hotel was like, though I'd never stayed in one of those either. I visited the bathroom, which was enormous with two sinks, a massive tile shower, Jacuzzi tub, all tile, granite and high quality wood. I snooped the cabinets, and sure enough there were personal items. A well stocked room, the contents included a box of condoms.

_He keeps these at his grandparent's house? He really is comfortable here, treating it just like home._

I came out and took a peek inside the walk in closet. The guy had more clothes and shoes than most girls I know, and they were really nice ones, tons of designer brands, with a couple tuxedos too. Prada, Armani, Hugo Boss? I ran my fingers over the dress shirt and tuxedo. Carter wasn't watching me in the closet, so I stripped and put on one of  his expensive designer dress shirts, enjoying the feel of the fabric.

I stepped out and he gave an approving look. "I like that on you."

"This room is bigger than my whole apartment. I think I'd like to swim in the tub."

"Go ahead. Do whatever you like, make yourself comfortable." 

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, it's my bathroom, if you want to swim in the tub, go for it."

Next thing I knew he had the tub full of deliciously warm water, with bubble bath. We both stripped and stepped in, I leaned against him.

"This is better than a 5 star hotel, not that I guess I would know, my family rarely traveled and then it was more the cheap motels. I bet you have stayed in a couple though."

"More than a couple, and in a lot of places too, the Plaza, some pretty fancy ones in Europe, the Ritz once in a while. My mother would never stay in a cheap motel, or for that matter, neither would my dad."

After a wonderfully relaxing soak, we watched a movie on the large tv mounted to the wall. We lay cuddled up on his bed, me wearing only his dress shirt. Later we conducted a raid on the kitchen for snacks - and there were plenty to choose from. I felt exposed, being scantily clad in John's dress shirt, but he assured me no one would care - no one was around to care.

We were both exhausted from a busy day, and slept cuddled up in the middle of his massive bed. I had to work the next morning, so we both get up early. I borrowed a soft sweatshirt and smuggled his dress shirt into my bag, the one I wore last night. I doubted he'd even notice, considering the volume of clothing in his closet.

He appeared with fresh coffee and a couple of breakfast sandwiches for the ride in to town.

"Homemade by Corinne." 

_Man, this guy is spoiled rotten, but he sure doesn't act like it at work._

I sipped my coffee gratefully, and it was delicious, probably the same brand Carter had at his apartment.

I took a bite of my sandwich, as we drove towards the city. "Mmm! Delicious, I might steal yours too." I reached over and snagged his breakfast out of his hand, and started eating it.

"Hey, you just had one, I only got a couple bites." He laughed, his eyes sparkling as he glanced over at me. My heart flipped, and I realized how truly dangerous this relationship was getting. I liked him, way more than I expected, I could fall in love with him if I wasn't careful.

I took another bite, then held the sandwich so he could have a bite, and we ended up sharing the rest.

Things fell into a routine after that, John was still off work, so we'd see each other as soon as I finished my shift. Surprisingly, he gave me a key, so no matter what time of the day or at night, I could come over after work. I loved his place, there are no Susie reminders, and absolutely no chance someone like Mark or Carol would drop by and catch us. I made excuses to Mark when he wanted to hang out, because I wanted to spend all my time with Carter.

John was great in bed, but he was fun too, and I enjoyed spending time with him. On my precious days off, we'd find things to do, one day he took me sailing on the lake, another to dinner at an upscale restaurant, and another at a 5 star hotel. I'd suspected the guy was a romantic, and he proved me correct. He opened doors, presented me with flowers when we'd go out, and paid for absolutely everything.

Being with him was magical, like stepping into an alternate universe. So far removed from my regular life it seemed unreal. Lifestyles of the rich and famous I started calling it, it was scary how I started to get used to it in such a short time.

One night he took me to a party a the Davis mansion. Much like his grandmother's house, it was set on a large amount of land, and absolutely amazing. Jim and his girlfriend hosted, and everyone was friendly, and incredibly nice to me. We were able to be a couple, and I loved it, far away from the memories of Susie, my life with my parents and the daily grind of the hospital.

Like all wonderful dreams, I knew it would end, and of course it did. My fault, but things had heated up between us, and it was time to put on the brakes. He'd be back at work soon, and we couldn't continue, no way we'd fly under the radar at County. Not a chance, someone would definitely clue in about our involvement. So it ended. Badly.

"John?" I lay snuggled in his arms, completely relaxed after a marathon of hot, mind blowing sex.

"Mmmm?" He nuzzled against my neck.

"We have to stop."

"Hmmm...what?" He looked at me. "Stop?"

"Yeah, you'll be back at work soon...if we carry on like this, someone will clue in."

"So...you want to...break up." 

"I don't think we have a choice, you're an intern, and I'll be finishing my residency and moving up to Attending. We can't be sleeping together, you know it."

"Right. So that's it?" He didn't sound happy.

"It's been fun, but we both know it's only a fling, we could never be a serious couple. You're starting internship, I'm almost done residency, we'd never work out." I brushed my fingers over his face.

"We might work out." 

"No, we wouldn't. I'm sorry, we can't do this anymore. We've had a good time, but...it's done."

It was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do, but I worried. For his career, for my career. I didn't want either of us to get a reputation. My involvement with Div becoming public had been bad enough, everyone finding out I was sleeping with an intern would have been worse.

"Yeah, it's been fun." He mumbled something else I didn't catch, and rolled over presenting me with his back. "Go to sleep."

"John." I reached out to touch him and he pulled away.

"Don't. We're done right? Maybe you should just go." He buried his head in his pillow

I stared at the clock, finally willing myself to sleep.

And that was it. He didn't say another word about it and it was the last time we were together. I got up the next morning and went to work, and that night, for the first time in almost three weeks, I went home and slept alone. I didn't call or go to see him. I didn't see him again until he came back to work a few days later. 

We both pretended nothing had happened, and he spent most of his time upstairs with Benton breathing down his neck. And he avoided me when he was assigned to the ER. No more friendly chats on the roof, he changed almost overnight. He simply didn't want to talk about it.

Many nights I cried myself to sleep, wrapped up in one of the sweatshirts that still smelled like him. I was tempted to call or visit him, try to reach out to him, but I knew it was a bad idea. Someone would figure it out. Then things got weird with Mark, who had always been a good friend, but it seemed suddenly he wanted more. And I couldn't. On one level it was tempting, he was a great guy, but...my heart was elsewhere, even if I couldn't have the man I wanted, Mark was more like my brother.

Three weeks after John and I broke up, I started to suspect I had bigger problems than Mark wanting to date me. I was late. And nauseous, and tired and...plain outright hormonal. My hands shook as I sat on the side of my tub staring at the little pink plus sign. I immediately started to make plans to run away. I booked my holidays, hoping for a few days in Maui to get my mind off things and make some decisions, but I ended up in Phoenix. 

A trip that changed my whole life. An opportunity to to get away from both Mark and Carter, though for different reasons. Mark I wanted to discourage, Carter I wanted to try and forget. It was too tempting to be around him. If I stayed, I might end up in bed with him again or declaring my love for him. Either way, it wouldn't be good, especially once it became clear I was pregnant.

I was both elated and terrified, in my subconscious I had wanted a baby for a while and I loved the idea of having Carter's child, but I knew I was in this alone. I couldn't even imagine how I would tell him. His career had become all consuming, he was in no way ready to take on a newborn baby on top of all of the long hours and studying. It hadn't taken even a moment of thought, I never considered the alternatives, I was having a baby.

I worried constantly someone would guess my secret, but I successfully hid my pregnancy, and had my residency transferred to Phoenix, saying good bye to everyone. I wished I could have one more night with Carter, but he would notice – though you couldn't readily see, I had the taught belly, with almost unnoticeable rounding at 14 weeks. A doctor would notice.

Besides, I heard he was seeing someone now, and I couldn't blame him. I made it clear it was over, that it was only a fling. If only he was a couple years older, and not an intern, I would have happily tried to go further with the relationship, but now it was impossible. So I said my goodbyes, and moved across the country, and started my new adventure.

A virtual whirlwind of work, doctors appointments and spending time with little Susie. My belly grew, and some nights I would lay in bed, tracing the small form on the ultrasound picture. Wondering what he'd say if I picked up the phone and called him. Told him he was going to be a daddy. Probably be on the next plane to murder me, that's what would happen. His family had a long reach, I didn't kid myself, who knew what the repercussions would be if he found out.

In the end I chickened out, I couldn't call him. I'd behaved badly, run away, and cut off communication with everyone in Chicago. This was for the best, protect both of our careers, no one knew him here. I pretended my baby's father had left me, not the other way around.

Six months later I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl with her daddy's deep brown eyes, and I was instantly in love. Holding her in my arms made me incredibly happy, and watching her grow was amazing. I named her Brooklynn Skye Lewis, and she was the light of my life.

John Truman Carter III appeared on the birth certificate as her father, but I was too scared to use her daddy's last name. She could never have the last name Carter, if anyone saw her, they'd know exactly who her daddy was, those eyes were a dead give away.


	4. Chapter 4

The next morning I woke up late and groggy, with Brooklynn shaking me.

"Mommy, I want breakfast. I'm hungry."

"Okay, I'm up." She dragged me into the kitchen and I made her eggs and toast, which she ate while still clutching her new bunny. I looked at her and thought of Carter, my heart ached because I knew I'd handled things badly.  It wasn't the way he should have discovered his daughter. How could I ever make it up to him? Was there any way to make up for lost time with a child? One I hid from him, for no good reason other than my selfish worry about our careers and my own insecurity and fear?

Brooklynn turned her big browns eyes towards me, the ones which made me think of her daddy almost daily for the past four years.

"Am I going to play with my friends today?"

I shook my head. "Not today, honey. Go get dressed, your clothes are on your bed."

Time to call the daycare director, and it wasn't a happy call. I reamed out the director for letting Brooklynn wander off. She couldn't go back there, but it left me with a huge problem. I have work at four, and the babysitter doesn't come until 6, so I have to figure out things with Brooklynn. Maybe if I begged, someone at work would cover for me for a couple hours.

My mind went to John, but I doubt he'd talk to me, much less cover a shift. If I lived in Phoenix I'd have called Chloe, but here I have no one. My parents won't help, a lot of my friends have moved away and anyone left...I can't get into who Brooklynn's father.

So, I took her with me to the hospital. Carter was on shift, and at the admit desk when we came in, Brooklynn spotted him and immediately charged towards him, clutching Bella in her little hands.

"Carter!" her voice rang through the ER with surprising volume, and he looked up. He smiled and intercepted her, scooping her up like a tiny feather and sitting her on the counter.

"Slow down there Brooklynn, this isn't a good place to run, you might get mowed down."

"By what?"

"Well, they bring in hurt people on rolling beds called gurneys, you don't want to get run over by one of those."

"Oh, okay Carter, I won't run." Carter picked her up off the desk, and tucked her against him, carrying her across the ER towards me.

Seeing them together made me happy but also made my heart ache, he looked so natural carrying her. He'd always been great with kids.

"So no daycare today? I thought you were working."

"I am, but I have to see what I can do to get covered. I took her out of the daycare, they were the ones who let her wander off yesterday."

"She really came here by herself?" Carter had an incredulous look on his face, probably wondering how a day care lets a four year old wander off.

"Yes, she saw the hospital from the park and came on over. I had it out with the director and told them she's not coming back. And now, I have no one to take her until the babysitter gets to my house later."

"Lucky nothing happened to her on the way here, aside from getting cut on some glass. Glad you took her out of that place, we'll find other arrangements for her. What time do you start work?"

We? I look around to make sure no one is paying attention to this. "At four and I'm on till four in the morning."

"I'm off at noon, so I'll take her. I'm not on until noon tomorrow so I can take her overnight. What do you think Brooklyn, you want to hang out with me for the night?"

"Yes! Mommy, can I go see Carter's house?"

I pulled Carter aside and whispered so the rest of the staff couldn't hear. "Are you sure?"

"Of course, I can handle a four year old, I deal with kids every day. Besides, you need to trust me with her sometime."

"Yeah, and you get to give them back, and it's not a matter of trust."

"Susan, I can do this."

"Okay, but take her to my place, you don't have a bed or anything for her, crash in my room when she goes to sleep."

"Aren't you coming home?"

"I'll be there around 4:30 or so."

"Then I'll sleep on the couch." Right, he didn't want to share my bed anymore, he broke up with me. I feel a twinge of regret, I've had him twice and given him up twice - I don't think I'll get another chance.

"So can you come over at two, give me time to get ready for work."

He nodded. "Sure, I'll pick up a change of clothes and a few things in case I don't get back home in time tomorrow."

"Thanks Carter, for taking her."

He frowned and said quietly, "you don't have to thank me, Susan, if you need help with Brooklynn, you only have to ask."

I needed to get used to the idea she has a daddy now. Which meant - I didn't have to do everything alone, which came as an unexpected relief. I knew Carter wouldn't walk away. He may not want to be with me, but at least his daughter will know him.

As promised, Carter showed up at my place at two, he has a small bag and is dressed casually. Brooklynn has been excited all afternoon and keeps looking out the window for him. He has made quite an impression on her, and I am glad she likes him. It will make everything easier.

"Carter!" She opens the door for him and he picks her up, giving her a hug.

"Are you ready to have some fun?"

"Yeah! What we gonna do, Carter?"

"Well, I thought you could clean your room, do some homework…." He teases.

Brooklynn looks sad for a second "That's not fun."

"Or, we could put on your shoes and go to the park."

"The park! I want to go to the park."

I give Carter a set of keys to my place "Keep these, I had copies made for you, in case you need to be here with Brooklynn."

"Okay."

"I didn't have chance to make dinner, I'll get something together now."

"Don't worry about it, I'll make sure she eats, I may not be a great cook, but I can manage" He helps her with her shoes and a coat, gets her to hug and kiss me, then they disappear down the stairs.

I get home at 5 am, after a very long, busy shift, and my apartment is dark and quiet. I tiptoe in and check in on Brooklynn, and I wipe away a tear. Brooklynn is snuggled into bed, and Carter is still fully dressed on top of the covers, with his daughter clinging to his arm, both of them fast asleep. I just look at them for a minute, thinking how cute they both look, even in the dim light filtering in from the hall. I thought she kind of looked like me, but I see a lot of Carter in her too. I quietly go into the kitchen and pour some water.

"Susan?" Carter's voice is really soft and sleepy.

I turn and look at him leaning in the doorway. "Yeah, just me. Your back is not going to be happy after sleeping on that tiny bed."

"I can already tell, but she woke up and was having trouble getting back to sleep, so I lay down on her bed for a few minutes and I must have crashed."

"That happens at least a couple times a week, she usually crawls into bed with me when I'm home."

"I'm going to go back to sleep, I work at noon - but I can get her up and give her breakfast so you can get some rest too."

I crawl into my bed, wishing Carter was not in the other room, but here with me in my bed. I toss and turn for a while, then I get up, and go out to the living room. He is on the couch, but I can tell he is not sleeping.

"Carter..." I sit down on the edge of the couch "This is not good for your back either." I know he has been having trouble with it, and no wonder, after being stabbed. "You should just come and sleep in my bed."

He sighs "I can't, we need time to figure things out."

"No, not like that, I just mean...it doesn't have to mean anything, I just know you are having problems with your back, and we both need some sleep. I am worrying about you, and you aren't sleeping well out here obviously, so...just...come and get some sleep." I reach out and take his hand giving him a gentle tug.

He nods, and follows me into my room and I get in, plump up my pillow then close my eyes. I feel his weight sink into the other side of the bed and I drift into sleep.

Later that morning, I wake up, look over and the bed beside me is empty. The bedroom door is closed, and I hear some low voices and kitchen sounds. I drag myself out of bed when I see it is 11am. Carter needs to be at work in an hour.

I pad out to the kitchen, rubbing sleep from my eyes. Brooklyn is dressed and colouring at the table, and Carter has cleaned up from breakfast. He is showered and dressed, and looks ready to go to work.

"Mommy, Carter made me pancakes and last night we had pizza but he made me eat some carrot sticks too. Then he gave me a bath and read me 3 stories before I went to bed." This all comes out in a rush of words.

"So it went well then." I give her a kiss on the cheek, and rub Carter's back and give him a kiss too, just a quick one on the lips. He doesn't say anything about this, or kiss me back, I know we have some talking to do about the two of us. I want him to forgive me, I miss the loving affectionate Carter – right now all that seems to be directed at Brooklynn, with nothing for me. "Did you sleep well, Brooklynn?"

She nods "But I woke up and got scared so Carter lay on my bed with me for a while, and I wasn't scared any more."

Carter gives Brooklyn a big hug and a kiss, then he goes to work. I tell him I'll call him later to set up a time for Friday.

Friday morning I tell Brooklynn about a trip to Navy Pier, and that Carter is going to meet us there. She has talked non-stop about her time with him, so she is excited and happy, doing everything I tell her quickly. The weather is still nice, even though fall has set in and we have a terrific afternoon, just like we are a family. Carter takes her on numerous rides, we play mini golf and he buys her pizza and ice cream when she gets hungry. He carries her when she gets tired and basically spoils her, but they are getting to know each other, and I think it is great.

We take her home and she has a short nap, and Carter and I talk for a bit.

"She is totally in love with you, I didn't anticipate this. She talks non stop about you."

He smiles "Well, the feeling is mutual, she is great. You have done a terrific job with her."

"I'm sorry how you found out, about all of this, John, it was...wrong of me to keep this a secret." I look over at him and he looks down at his hands. "At the very least, I should have told you as soon as I came back to Chicago."

"Or you could have told me 5 years ago. I get that you didn't want anything serious with me, but...I still could have helped you, Susan. Even if it was just financially."

"I didn't want you to have to put your career on hold, John, you were in residency, we both know the salary is barely livable."

Carter laughed. "Seriously Susan? You were worried about whether I could manage financially and complete my residency and pay you some child support." He had a raised eyebrow. "You saw my grandmothers house, you think for a second that I had financial worries? Hey, the shirt you stole from my closet could have paid your groceries for a month- those things are several hundred _each._ "

I feel my cheeks go a bit red. "You knew I took it?" It was worth several hundred for one shirt?

"Of course, but I didn't really care, you looked good in it, and I had several more, it was just a shirt. But, the money argument is just crazy. Everyone at County knew my family has money, and you were at the house, and I told you it was true, yet...you pretend like that was a reason for what you did."

I guess he has a point, but I still have trouble thinking that Carter can afford everything I can't. It's like I can't imagine having that kind of life.

He continued hotly. "You have probably struggled along as a single mom, and you didn't have to do that. We were both adults, and you know what, I can take the consequences of my actions and decisions. You didn't have to protect me - I may be younger than you, but I wasn't a kid when this happened, I was 24, more than old enough to face the responsibility. We slept together, you got pregnant, and it pisses me off that you kept it from me."

"I did what I thought was right, Carter." I don't know how he feels about me, and I am vulnerable right now. He is angry and I don't know if I can deal with it.

"So you keep saying, but I still can't fathom you keeping this from me for the past couple months you've been back in Chicago. How...could you just avoid talking about her, I mean, you were sleeping with me, and...you couldn't be honest. How do you think that makes me feel?"

I look at him helplessly, I just don't know what to say, I have no defense.

"Right, nothing to say to that, it was just sex right? I need to go, Susan, I have to work tomorrow. By the way, I have a couple people for you to meet - nannies for Brooklynn, for when we are both working." He pulled out a card and dropped it on the table. "Call them and see which one you like best, then we can talk about it."

"A nanny Carter? How much is that going to cost, I could barely manage the daycare."

He sighed and rolled his eyes. "What part of this are you not getting." His voice is annoyed. "You've been having trouble finding proper care for _our_ daughter when we work shifts. I am helping you find it, and you don't have to cover the expense all by yourself. You don't have to cover any of it in fact - I'll take care of it. You didn't have any financial help until now, just let me do this."

It is true, it is difficult to find child care when you works hospital shifts, Carter had been checking on how the search was going, and I had to tell him - not very well. It seems he has taken this project on and has had better results, but then he has deeper pockets than I do.

"Okay." I say this softly. "Where did you find them."

"My grandmother has connections, and they come highly recommended."

Wait...what? "You told your grandmother about this?"

"What, did you think that I was going to keep her a secret from my family? Yes, I went to see her a couple days ago, and she wants to meet Brooklynn - her great grandchild. Not the easiest conversation ever, but she was very supportive. I talked to my dad too, that was even less fun, but it needed to be done. He isn't around much, but still not something I am going to keep from him. I assume your family all knows you have a daughter?"

"Of course, I couldn't keep it from my family."

"No, you just kept it from me." He picks up his bag and turns back to me. "Tell, Brooklynn I'll call her tomorrow. And...go see Mark Greene." With that he left, the door slammed slightly behind him.

I sighed and put my head down on the table. This just got worse every moment - he is so sweet and loving with his daughter, he has told his family about her, and being supportive in a lot of ways. But he has no use for me, that is clear. I keep making him angry, I still haven't accepted the change.

I think about his last statement about Mark. Carter had filled me in on the basics – Mark remarried and has another baby girl now named Ella, and overall he has been happy. However, I know there is something Carter hasn't told me, and when I pushed the issue, he told me I need to go see Mark myself. I have been putting this off, as it is going to get into me talking about my life, Brooklynn, and then I am going to have to confess to Mark that I slept with Carter. And had his baby. And I'm in love with him. I know it has been a long time since I saw Mark and he has moved on, but I still had feelings for John, what if Mark still has feelings for me?

I make time to go see Mark, I haven't seen him forever but he looks much the same.

"Susan!" Mark gives me a quick hug, I have missed my friend.

"Hi Mark, I thought I had better get over here and see you. I am all settled now, and back to work."

"Carter mentioned that you had shown up at Northwestern. We miss him at County, but I get why he moved on."

"I still have to get the full story out of him, but I will, we have been busy with other things" Like fighting over how I didn't tell him about his daughter, I think. "How have you been, Carter says you got married again and have a daughter."

"Yes, Ella is less than a year, and Elizabeth is my wife, she is a surgeon. Otherwise, I have been…okay. Carter didn't fill you in?"

"No, he just said I should see you. So what is going on?"

Mark fills me in on the tumour and the return of his cancer, and I am shocked. I never imagined Mark not being here when I came back, it sounds like he is fighting for his life, and his marriage is not going well. Ella had an overdose not long ago due to Rachel being careless with some drugs. I hate to see that he is in such pain. I am really glad Carter told me I need to come see him.

"Let's talk about you for a while – not married? No kids?"

"I'm not married, but I have a daughter – her name is Brooklynn and she is 4." I pull out a picture and show Mark. He looks at her and then me "She definitely looks like you, but she reminds me of someone else too, but I cannot place who. A beautiful little girl. Must have happened not long after you left County if she is 4 – when is her birthday."

"May"

I can see Mark doing the math then he looks at me for a second, but doesn't comment on that quite yet. "Are you seeing anyone special?"

"Yes, well, no, I mean - I was seeing someone, but things got a little complicated and I am not sure "

Mark is giving me a confused look. "So, tell me about him. What is so complicated?" We drop right back into the friend and confidant mode we used to have.

"I don't think I need to tell you much, you know him."

"Oh? Who is it?"

I look at him "Carter."

He sits up straighter "You and Carter…. really. He didn't tell me that."

"No, I guess he wouldn't, things are a little, undefined with us right now. Like I said, it got complicated."

"Why, you've only been back what, a month or so, and it's already complicated? Did he cheat on you or something? I should kick his ass for getting involved with you. You know he….serial dates right? He has probably dated more women at 29 than I have in my 38 years, and I bet he has slept with all of them too. I love Carter, but not as a boyfriend for you." He looks at me "You've been sleeping with him."

"Mark, that is a little out of bounds, and maybe not fair, you were married young, Carter has never been married so of course he has been dating." I laugh a little at his expression. "We were seeing each other, so, yes, I slept with him, like that's a surprise. Hey, you've been with people from work too – I heard about Chuney and some desk clerk?."

"Okay, okay, let's not start naming a bunch of names here. So, did he cheat on you? He hangs out with that nurse, Abby, a lot, and he had a thing with that cute little intern from pedes, Rena, not too long ago as well."

"No, he didn't cheat on me, it's actually my fault - he is - pretty angry with me right now."

"What did you do?"

"I kept something from him, information, a - secret."

"Really? Must have been a big secret."

"You have no idea."

"So tell me."

"It was about my daughter."

"What about your daughter?"

"Well, I didn't tell him I had a daughter, he only found out a few days ago."

"What? Why would you keep it a secret. Unless, oh, so he probably knows her dad or something. If she is 4 and born in May, you were pregnant when you left County – right? You never said you were seeing anyone, and I thought we were close. So, there was a reason you didn't tell anyone."

I nod "I was about 14 weeks, it was one of the reasons I went to Phoenix – and it was – complicated Mark. I – couldn't tell you, it would have gotten both me and the baby's father in trouble, I could have lost my residency. I am sure it would have affected his career too."

"If you were worried about your job – did you lie about Morgenstern? I really hope not Susan."

"Ewwwww Mark, no way. I didn't sleep with Morgenstern, are you insane? No, it was someone else."

Mark picks up the picture of Brooklynn again then his eyes widen and he slaps it down on the table. I think the pieces are falling in to place. "Don't tell me...Susan, did you...and Carter? You slept with Carter? _He's_ the father?"

I can barely look at Mark, he reads the guilt in my eyes "Yes."

He puts his head in his hands then looks at me "I knew you thought he was cute and all, but...Susan, you had sex with _Carter? When he was an intern?_ "

I sigh "I'm sorry, I couldn't tell you, I didn't want to hurt you."

"So, like you just couldn't help yourself and you two had a quickie or something?"

I shake my head and shrug. "It went on for a couple weeks, actually."

Mark was staring at me "A couple weeks? And no one here clued in? How did you manage to keep it a secret?"

"I ran into him while he was on summer break, so we never...you know...at work. It was a couple weeks, and then we broke it off, I told him we couldn't see each other once he came back to work, that it was fun….but we had no future. He and I agreed to that, and we kept to it, at work we pretended it never happened, so I wouldn't get in trouble. Then about 3 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant, and I made arrangements to go to Phoenix, transfer my residency and I cut communication with everyone, including Carter. He was 24, Mark, just staring a surgical internship, and I knew a serious relationship wouldn't work. He didn't know until I ran into him at Northwestern, and it ended up being impossible to hide the truth."

"You didn't tell him."

"No, and he is...well incredibly upset with me about it. I had lost Susie, and I found out I was going to have my own baby. I made the choice to do it alone, and it was hard, I won't lie. He didn't have the choice, I didn't give him one."

"He could have chosen not to sleep with you. Chosen to be more careful."

"Sure, and _I_ could have chosen not to sleep with him, and we were careful, just not careful enough.. It's not like we did anything illegal, we were both adults, and we kept it private, we were pretty discreet, and I didn't sleep with him after he came back from break."

"No kidding you two kept it private, I had no idea and never heard a peep. And you hid your pregnancy pretty well to, obviously Carter didn't clue in either."

"We weren't seeing each other by the time I found out, so no way he really could have and he was upstairs most of the time, covering the ER just on consults. It was everyone else I was worried about, you, Carol, the other nurses in the ER, I still amazed I managed to keep it hidden."

"Me too. Wow, the guy doesn't kiss and tell, then. Wonder who else he has..."

"Mark, stop it, you need to be fair here. He didn't want to ruin my career. You make it sound so...sleazy, but it wasn't, we both cared about each other, and it was like we dated, just without letting anyone at work know. It just happened, it was mutual attraction and...I don't regret it. I only regret not telling him the truth, because, I think we could have had something great but I lied to him."

"Well, I guess I can see his point, you know, being angry with you. I can't say I would be thrilled to find out I have a 4 year old daughter that I didn't know about either. Is he...taking responsibility now?"

"Yes, he has spent some time with her, and offered whatever help I need. He is just...not so warm towards me, though he is a big hit with Brooklynn. We haven't told her yet, but he wants to, he's told his family and...we are figuring it out."

"Good, or I really would have to go kick his ass. This is so...strange though, you and Carter have a daughter."

"Can you kind of...keep this to yourself for now? Until Carter and I have a chance to talk to some people and work it out?"

"Sure...and Susan? Call me if you need to talk."


	5. Chapter 5

Over the next week, Carter progressively spent more time with Brooklynn, and we hired one of the nannies to cover off the days when we're both on shift at the hospital. Or to be more precise, Carter hired a nanny and I let him, as he requested.

My apartment wasn't the best situation for Carter to spend time with Brooklynn when I was working nights, I had no place for him to sleep, aside from my bed. He made it crystal clear sharing a bed wasn't happening. It felt like relationship limbo, I didn't want to move on, hoping he'd  allow us to get back on track, though I knew this might take time.

It is no surprise when he takes Brooklynn out shopping, and they pick out a full set of furniture for one of the bedrooms at his place. He let her choose paint, and bedding, and set her room up. When I heard he actually painted it himself, I was surprised, very surprised. He's very handy around the house apparently, even if his cooking skills aren't the greatest. I loved the room when I saw it, he did a terrific job, of course it is far nicer than her room at my apartment.

His house is always perfectly clean, which I found weird for a single guy, but I noticed even when he is at my place he tidies up after himself. I think back to when I spent time at his apartment, it was well kept too, so I guess I shouldn't be at all surprised. It turns out he does have a housekeeper come in to do laundry, clean and grocery shop for him, but that is only twice a week. Given the hours he works, and how much time he is spending taking care of his grandmothers health needs and now the time he spends with his daughter, I guess it makes sense, though I am a little jealous as I do all my housework myself.

I know the time has come to sit down and tell Brooklynn the truth. It ends up going really well, she sits looking puzzled for a moment.

"I have a daddy? Carter gets to be my daddy?" Then her face lights up in a smile "My wish came true, I wished for Carter to be my daddy and now he is."

Carter gives her a big hug and I almost think he is going to cry, I know I'm crying. He has totally captured her heart, and I know she has his. Brooklynn is tentative about calling Carter daddy, but after the first couple times, it just becomes natural, though it taking me some time to get used to it.

Brooklynn starts spending nights at his place regularly when I am at work and he is off shift and he takes her for full days when needed too. Sometimes the nanny works at Carter's and sometimes at my place, depending on who is going to be with our daughter the next day and I think she is great. She does some light housekeeping for me, and Brooklynn loves her. Our coworkers at Northwestern have commented on how cute Brooklynn is, and accept Carter as her father without too much comment, which is far different from how it would go at County.

One day when he brings her home after taking her for the day, Brooklynn mentions a visit.

"Mommy, daddy took me to a castle today, and there was a queen who was really nice to me. And she has a pool and horses and said I can visit her anytime. But I call her Gamma Mill, which is a funny name for a queen."

I look at Carter, startled, and he shrugs.

"I told you Gamma wanted to meet her, so we had a visit today, and it went really well. She and Brooklynn got along great."

"I didn't swim as it's too cold and the pool has no water, but daddy let me ride one of the horses…named….what's the horses name?"

"Eclipse."

"Daddy has a lot of horses, they are all pretty."

I almost have a heart attack – if I remember correctly, Eclipse is a Hanoverian, a beautiful pitch black but extremely large horse and very spirited. Carter had good control over him, but no way was this a horse suitable for a 4 year old. I give him a look and then send Brooklynn to put away her things.

"Relax Susan, I didn't just give her the reins and send her off into the woods. Give me a little credit, I let her sit on him, and I led him, then I took her with me on the horse, for a short ride. He is very well trained, and she had a lot of fun. Anyway, she's old enough to learn to ride if she wants to."

"Learn to ride…I can't afford that Carter."

He leans against the door frame and looks at me like I am out of my mind.

"I have a full stable of horses that I can use, Eclipse _,_ Aria and Marigold are all my horses and Farah is an Arabian and would be a good choice for starter horse, she belongs to Chase, but he can't ride now. Farah is a real doll, she's a little older and very good with kids. I _can_ teach her to ride Susan."

I stared at him for a second, thinking you own three horses? I had no idea. I know we went out riding at his grandmother's house, but I didn't know they were Carter's horses. Of course he was a good rider, that I'd noticed.

"How old were you when you started riding?"

"I was about 3 years old, and access to horses was never a problem, since we have the stables at my grandparents. When we were a little older we played around on the polo ponies too –my grandfather loved his polo ponies. The point is Brooklynn can do whatever she wants – I will pay for lessons if she needs them."

"I was lucky to get a new coat for the winter and you have three horses."

"It's never been a problem in my family – and it won't be for Brooklynn either. I can help with all those things"

Of course he can, I keep thinking I need to do everything, when that is clearly not the case. Brooklynn is….a Carter.

I realized I am staring at him, and he is looking at me with his eyebrows raised.

"What? You have a weird look on your face Susan."

"Brooklynn is a Carter." I whisper.

"Uh, yeah." His voice drops so she doesn't overhear. "She's my daughter, so even though her last name is Lewis, she is definitely a Carter. Like this is a big revelation? You knew who I was when we…." He stops as he hears Brooklynn coming back.

My mind is still spinning. I tell Brooklynn to put away her coat, which I notice…talking about coats, is a brand new. I frown at Carter, but he shrugs.

"Her other one was getting too small."

"Do you like it mommy? Daddy bought me some clothes, like some pyjamas and stuff so I can have things at his house for when I visit. But he said I can take it to our house too. I put some in my backpack." I know I am beat, and to be honest, I am not going to argue, if he wants to buy Brooklynn things, it helps me out, more than I care to admit.

"John, can you stay for a bit? Have some dinner with us? I think we need to have more time to talk."

I can tell he is not sure where this is going – considering he has made it clear that he hasn't forgiven me for not being honest with him.  Not that I blame him, I guess, it was wrong of me to hide it for so long, or even come back to Chicago without expecting that he would eventually find out.

"Sure, I don't have anywhere I need to be just now." I know he enjoys the time with Brooklynn, so I thought he would stay.

We spend some time admiring Brooklynn's new clothes, she insists on trying them on for me and she is extremely happy and excited.  All of her new things are pretty high quality, stuff I have not been able to afford as I have been a single parent for so long, paying off student loans to the tune of $85,000 and trying to just make ends meet. My daughter is very lucky, her father is being very generous with her, but then, this is Carter, so it's to be expected.

I make us some dinner, and Carter helps get Brooklynn ready for bed, reading her stories and tucking her in with the ever present Bella. After big hugs and kisses he gently pulls her door shut and comes to help me tidy up.

As Carter helps me clean up a bit from dinner, I think how to open a conversation, but Carter asks me a question first.

"So you went to see Mark?"

"Yes, it was good to see him, but I was shocked to hear about the cancer. I wish I had known."

"You told him...about us?"

"Uh huh, he was kind of surprised, especially to find out that we have a daughter together, but he seemed okay with it. You didn't tell him we were seeing each other though."

"No, when I saw him the one time, you were just back and we weren't really involved at that point, when I saw him the next time we'd broken up. I thought I would let you tell him about Brooklynn, you were really close to Mark at one time."

"I was, but you have been pretty close to Mark too. He misses having you at County, he always liked you."

"Yeah, I like Mark too, he was always really good to me when I was a student, and I learned a lot from him. I just, well, thought it might be easier if you told him, he might have decked me, but this gives him time to accept it."

"He wouldn't hit you Carter."

"Oh, I don't know about that, you know how he felt about you when you left. Anyhow I'm glad you talked to him, that he knows about us."

I just nod, and think about what I really want say. Plain and simple, I want him back. It has not escaped my notice that a certain nurse from County is always coming to visit him in the ER, and they often disappear together. I am getting jealous, I can't help it. He also gets a lot of visits from a slightly familiar face – a very attractive and petite Asian doctor he calls Deb. Everyone else calls her Jing-Mei or Dr. Chen when she comes in, but to Carter, it's Deb and she doesn't seem to mind.

What the hell, I'm going to ask him.

"Are you seeing someone else now?"

"Why are you asking?"  He pauses, he is wiping off the counter, and looks up at me with a frown.

"I know, you're probably thinking I have no right to ask, sorry."  I sighed, knowing he was irritated by the question, but I needed to know if I still had a chance.

"Nope you don't - but, what makes you think I'm seeing someone?"

I take this as permission to get into this further.

"You're always going somewhere with that nurse, Abby, and you spend a lot of time with Dr. Chen."

"Oh, you jealous or something? Why do you even care where I go or who I see?"

_Damn, he was making this difficult._

I considered for only a second. "Yes. I guess I am...jealous" If I was going to get him back, I'd have to put my cards on the table and let him know how I felt.  How much I regretted how I handled things, how much I have always cared about him.

"Are you." I wished I knew what he was thinking, but his face was neutral. "They're friends, and have been for a while, I like to spend time with them. I've known Deb since we were med students, we've never dated, we don't have that kind of relationship, not each others type I guess."

"I remember her, she was Benton's student too right?" He gave a slight nod. "So what's up with the nurse. You'd date her?"

"She's a friend, we...talk."  He leaned against the counter with his arms crossed.

"Mark said you spend a lot of time with her."

"Did he." Not giving anything away, he continued to look at me.

"What do you do when you're with her, you really do see her a lot."

"I can't say, it's...a privacy thing, her privacy, not mine."

"You can't say? So, something you don't want me to know going on there?"

"It's none of your business, Susan." He looked annoyed at the intrusive question. "What do you care? And why are you talking to Mark about me. Stop, now."

"Sorry." I held up my hands as if in surrender and I paused before wading into the deep end. I needed to know if I had any hope with him. "So, are you?"

"Am I what?" He sighed, seeming tired of the conversation.

"Seeing someone."

"No, not right now. I've been...a little busy in case you hadn't noticed.  I have a new girl in my life, she takes up a lot of my time."

I looked at him with a raised brow, and then I realized...he means our daughter, he's been giving her virtually all of his free time. I _have_ noticed his new girl.

"Have you told Deb and Abby about Brooklynn?"

"Yes. Deb's met her and they get along great."

"Oh. What about Abby?"

"Not yet, though I will when I see her again."

"Have you told anyone else about her?"

"Yes, a couple friends from school that I keep in touch with, and a few others. My family all knows of course.  So, are you seeing someone?"

"No...I'd like to, but...the guy I want to be with is pretty angry with me right now."

"Maybe he has a reason to be, maybe he's not so sure you  _want_ to be with him."

"He does have a reason, but...I wish he'd forgive me, I do want to be with him."

He appeared unconvinced by my words and his face was expressionless. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," I whisper, "and I'll wait for him." 

Carter studied me, as if he wasn't quite sure what to make of this statement. "Really."

"Yes, really, because, I'm in love with him. I have been for a long time, but I don't think he realizes it. Because I never told him, but I am, I love him so much. And I've been stupid and selfish and done everything wrong." I brushed my hand across my face, and took a deep breath, ready to cry. I'd been crying too much lately.

He didn't respond, but I saw the flicker of surprise in his eyes, maybe I'd gotten through.

"Gamma wants me to bring you out to the house one day soon, she wants to meet you properly, not at the hospital. If you're free on Sunday, we could go out for the afternoon." Carter totally changed the subject suddenly.

"Your grandmother wants me to come to her house?"

"Yes, we'll bring Brooklynn and we could go for a ride if it's not too cold. Or if it is, she can try out Farah in the riding ring. We'll have dinner, and maybe stay the night out there if we don't have early shifts on Monday."

I considered this, his invitation me to go overnight to his grandmother's house, which has to be a good sign.  No matter how nervous I am about seeing his grandmother again, now that she knows about our daughter, I have to face his family at some point.

"I do happen to be off on Sunday, so that sounds great. I think I don't work until Monday night. Is it okay that we stay overnight?"

"Of course." There is a little half smile now. "You stayed there before at my invitation and it wasn't a problem was it?" Right, he did let me stay with him at the house, I still haven't forgotten our visit - how could I forget _that_ visit. "So pack an overnight bag and warm clothes, it is starting to get chilly now, but we might get a nice afternoon to get outside. I'll pack for Brooklynn as she is with me Saturday night since you're on until 10pm. I can pick you up at maybe 9am?"

"Your grandmother isn't upset about you having a daughter, she isn't angry with me for keeping it from you?"

"She wasn't thrilled at first, but we had a long talk about…the circumstances, and she's a realist, she doesn't expect that people wait to be married to sleep together, or any of that. She just accepts that you and I as two adults, had a relationship, and we had a child. Now she is getting used to the idea she is excited to have a great grandchild to spoil."

"So it's okay then."

"Yes, she totally accepts Brooklynn.

"How about your mom and dad?"

"My dad is less supportive, but I am not close with him, and eventually it will become old news and he will have no choice but to accept her. He has been…disappointed with me, I don't think I have every really done much right in his eyes. My mom…well who knows, we don't talk much."

So his mom is still not in the picture much, that hasn't changed.

"Really? You're a successful doctor, how can he be disappointed."

"My family was not supportive of me being a doctor, but they allowed it so I could get over my phase as they called it. One of the reasons I started in surgery, was my family. And…I have made other mistakes that I don't know if he will ever forgive, but that is for another time."

"He won't disown you or cut you off financially?"

"He doesn't have the power to do that, Gamma would never allow it. Chase and I, well, the two of us had enormous pressure on us to be part of the family business. I have a half-sister, but she is on my moms side and lives in Europe – she is quite a bit older than me and really lived with her dad in France a lot when she was growing up. I don't really see her, ever. She is more a Ferguson than a Carter. And my other cousins have kind of dropped off the map, they are off living their lives, Chase is…permanently disabled, which leaves…..me. Gamma would never cut me off, she had the chance before and she didn't."

"Chase – you mention him once in a while, but, what happened with him?"  I am curious about the last statement but there was a lot of information in what he just said.

"Chase and I were pretty close growing up, he is only a year younger, and we spent a lot of time together, went to the same private school. About 4 years ago, I found out he was….shooting heroin."

I know how that feels, my sister was an out of control addict.  She has gotten her life back together but I always wonder for how long?

"Heroin? Oh, John, what did you do?"

"A friend of mine, Anna, who used to work at County with me, we detoxed him as he refused to go to rehab. She had a boyfriend at one point who was an addict, so she was pretty knowledgeable. It worked, initially, until he went to a party and they ended up using some bad street drugs, and he overdosed. Ended up at County in the ER and Anna and I had to revive him. We got him back but there was permanent damage, and my grandfather…blamed me for not telling the family about the heroin use when I first found out"

"We both know though, if he didn't want help, you couldn't force him, so you did what you could. It wasn't your fault."

"I felt like it was for a while, but I understand addiction better now. My dad, however, doesn't understand addiction, and it is a mark against me. And not the only one either."

"I get it, I dealt with Chloe, and I know you saw how she was, more than once in the ER. She is clean now, but it took a long time."

"I remember, it was your birthday."

"Yes, and you were pretty sweet too, that was a crappy birthday otherwise." I got a smile from him.

"Someone had to drink the champagne with me, you can't drink the stuff alone."

"Right, of course. I have never forgotten it though, it was part of what made me love you, part of why we spent that time together 5 years ago." Our eyes meet for a moment. "Those were pretty great weeks."

"I won't argue with you on that, they were...pretty amazing."

"I have never regretted that time we spend together, I wish...we could have kept seeing each other. You know I missed you, and I thought about us after I left."

"Did you? That surprises me, you made it pretty clear you didn't see a future for us, and then you left and I never heard from you. Even since you have been back, it hasn't felt like you see a future, but now you are saying…what…that you could see us together?"

I look down at the floor, then back at him.  I forced myself to speak, hiding how I feel is going to get me nowhere, this is Carter, he deserves the truth, finally.

"I lied about not seeing a future, I was scared. That's why I took off to Phoenix, I got scared, about a lot of things. We had stopped seeing each other and then I found out I was pregnant, and I felt like that was my fault. I wanted her, I wanted our baby, and I didn't know how you would react, if you would let me have her. I was worried about ruining your career, about you feeling trapped into something you weren't ready for, that you didn't feel the same about me…just everything." I felt a tear run down my cheek and I brushed it away quickly. I turn away, I don't want him to see how close I am to just breaking down into tears.

I feel rather than see or hear him move, and he wraps his arms around me, turning me gently, and pulls me in, I rest my head on his chest.

"I would never have told you what to do, and I would have supported you having her. If going to Phoenix was the right thing, then it would have been okay, we would have worked it out. I can keep a secret, you know, nobody ever knew about us, well until recently anyway. I really wish you had given me the opportunity to help you, whatever that entailed, and trapped? With my family, that would never have happened either."

"I know, I'm sorry, I know now that I made a mistake. The longer I waited the harder it got to tell you. Haven't you ever made a mistake, something you wish you could take back?"

He is silent for a second then he takes a deep breath and there is something in his voice that tugs at my heart when he finally speaks.

"Yes, there are things that I spent a lot of time wishing I could change."

I look up at him and I can tell there is a lot I don't know about the last 5 years.

"Like what?"

"I don't know if you really want to hear this right now and I…don't want to talk about it either."

"Sounds…serious."

"Well, it is serious and I will tell you, just not today. Let's deal with you and me right now, not things I can't change."

"Okay, so what about us…I am hoping you can give me another chance, despite what you seem to think, I want to be with you."


	6. Third Times a Charm

Carter and I talked more that day, but we still haven't resolved things totally. He told me that he needs some time, he isn't rushing out to date anyone, but he isn't ready to jump back into our relationship either. I resolved to be patient, I was the one in the wrong, but he's warmer than he was, and gives me a hug before he leaves. If we can spend more time together, with Brooklynn in the mix, maybe things will get better.

Sunday morning arrives and it's turning out to be a beautiful day, the sky perfectly clear and the sun shining brightly. Carter arrives at my door with a very excited Brooklynn and we go down to the Jeep. I stop in surprise - where's the Jeep?

"Mommy, do you like daddy's new car? He let me pick it out."

I stand in shock looking at the brand new BMW SUV as Carter hits the remote and opens my door. "What happened to your Jeep?"

"Oh, I still have it, it's parked out at the house for now. I thought maybe this was...more appropriate and a little safer for Brooklynn since I've been driving her around more."

"You let a four year old pick out a car?"

He winked. "Of course, she liked this one. It has a DVD player and heated rear seats."

_Oh...he let her think she picked it, he's clever this guy._

I shake my head and get in while Carter makes sure Brooklynn is properly fastened into the rear seat. It's fully loaded with GPS, leather heated seats, sunroof and the whole works.

The drive out to the 'mansion' as I like to call it, is pleasant, Brooklynn chatters away happily. We arrive and Carter hits a remote and opens one of the garage doors and pulls in. "You have your own spot in the garage?"

"Yes, I'm here all the time, and there's room. Most of the cars that aren't used all the time are in the garages around the back of the house."

Garages? I give a soft laugh.

"Just how many cars are there?"

"A few, my grandparents liked vintage cars, Gamma has two very nice older Jags and...well there are quite a few cars."

_Okay then. Too many to count. Check._

We get out of the car and walk right into the house. Alger meets us and Carter hands him the keys. "Three bags in the trunk, thanks Alger."

I look at Carter and he shrugs as Alger goes out to get the overnight bags, and take them up to our rooms. Millicent Carter appears and gives both John and Brooklynn each a big hug and a kiss. She always seems so formal when I see her, but at home she is much more relaxed.

"Gamma! Daddy says I get to go horse riding today." Brooklynn is almost dancing in excitement. Millicent gives Carter an approving look and there's some communication that goes silently between them.

"I know sweetie, you can do that in a while. Susan, it's nice to see you again."

"Nice to see you too Mrs. Carter, very kind of you to invite us out for the day."

"First, I would love it if you called me Millicent, or Gamma or Gamma Mill, but never Mrs. Carter. You're part of the family. And you're welcome any time - even if I'm not here you may visit, with John or if you wished to bring Brooklynn out to use the pool, or go riding, it's all fine with me. I've set up rooms for you to use, they will be yours anytime you visit."

"Thank you...Millicent, that's very generous."

"Let's go upstairs and I will show you your rooms."

We go up and to the right, towards where I know John's room is located. I see mine first, it is almost as large as the one John has, right across the hall, it is beautiful and luxurious. There is a king size bed, a sitting area, large bathroom and fireplace. Brooklynn's is right next door, and she is excited, she has a canopy bed and the bedding is all frilly and pink. It is quite a large room with its own bathroom and a large walk in closet, that oddly seem to have some pretty nice little girl clothes hanging there. I glance at John, he says nothing, just winks at me, and I know Gamma has gone to quite a bit of trouble to do this room up for Brooklynn.

There are also several large boxes on the bed with huge bows on them. Brooklynn points.

"Are those all for me daddy?" She hops up and down in excitement.

"Yes dear."  Millicent answers before he can say a word.

Carter jumps in. "Open them up and see what's there."

"Can I mommy?"

"Of course sweetie."

She pulls of the ribbons and in short order has revealed an entire riding outfit, including the boots and helmet. I think I must be glaring at John, but he smiles sweetly back.

"Try them on, then we can go introduce you to Farah."

"Who's Farah?"

"Your horse, the one you will get to ride whenever you come to visit."

Brooklynn is speechless for a moment. "I get my own horse?" She says this in an awed voice.

Carter nods at her. "Yes. Now, say thank you to Gamma, she bought you the riding clothes, and is letting you use Farah."

Brooklynn bounces over and hugs Millicent "Thank you Gamma, for the clothes, and the horse, and I love my room, it is like a princess room."

Millicent hugs her back and looks almost teary for a moment, suggests that John and Brooklynn go out to the stables for a while, then asks if I would like some tea.

I am a little nervous as John and Brooklynn leave to go visit the horses, Brooklynn looks adorable in her riding clothes. John just whispers to me "Don't worry, she will be fine, and Gamma doesn't bite, I promise." He gives me a little squeeze around the shoulders which I enjoy, it is the most affectionate he has been with me in a while.

I sit across from Millicent and she studies me for a moment. "Well, Brooklynn is a beautiful little girl, Susan, you have done a great job with her. Did you do most of it on your own?"

I nod. "My sister and her husband, and my niece Susie were in Phoenix, and we spent quite a bit of time with them, but I didn't get married or anything."

"Hmmmm, I see. My grandson is quite taken with her. They have already bonded as I am sure you can see. He loves kids, and has always been very good with them. I must say I love having a great grandchild in Chicago, my first one actually and it is...well I guess I am glad she is John's child."

"John has been great with her, and she loved him right from the start. He is spoiling her, I am afraid."

"I don't think he is spoiling her, just giving her what he had as a child. It's possible he feels the need to make up for lost time though?"

I look at my hands then up at her "Maybe, I know I...perhaps made a mistake where John is concerned, not...letting him be involved in her life until now. I was trying to protect him and myself, our careers."

"Perhaps, but it's done, and we can't change it. You know, he never needed protecting, not from this, I raised him to take care of his responsibilities, and he would have done so."

I look at her keenly. "So he tells me. You are being pretty understanding of the whole situation. You don't seem, shocked or..."

"Well, Susan, I am not as stuffy as it would seem. My grandson...let's just say he has always been the one I've been closest to, I know him very well. I also must say, he is a grown man, and I would be more concerned if he wasn't having relationships with women, I know he has girlfriends and what those relationships involve. I was young once too. Of course I would have preferred he got married and then had his children, but these things happen, you two are not the first to have a child outside of marriage and you won't be the last."

I smile at this, and I find I am liking Millicent quite a lot. "You know I was nervous, Millicent. Coming out here to meet you, I know how important you are to John. I do regret handling things the way I did, but he has been amazing, really."

"Good to hear, I would be very disappointed in my grandson if he didn't do his part to raise her properly. You may or may not know, but John is my...favourite grandchild. I should never say that, but plain and simple, he has been the one I can most relate to, all of his life - there is something special about him. We were sad when our first grandson - Bobby - was named after Eleanor's dad, but then when John was born...it all made sense. We were all devastated when Bobby died, you know the story?"

"Yes, John has talked about his brother to me."

"It was even harder for us when John almost died - he spent a lot of time with us over the years, I don't think I could have handled losing him. That was only a couple years ago, and I hope never to go through that again."

I reach out and touch her hand "I know, he told me, I was shocked as well, so much happened in his life while I was gone."

"Do you love him?"

I am taken aback by her direct question, but I barely hesitate. "Yes, I do, very much. I have for...a long time."

"Good, he needs that in his life. So Susan, how about you go join them at the stables, I am going to have a rest then we will have dinner."

I walk into the stable and I follow the voices I hear drifting from towards the back. I proceed through a doorway into an enormous indoor riding ring.

To my amazement my daughter already is looking like a pro on a beautiful black mare. John is riding beside her on his horse, Eclipse and talking to her as they go around the perimeter. She spots me and gives me a big grin, and John looks over and sees me at the same time. He says something to her, then trots over and jumps down.

"She is doing really great, a natural, she and Farah fit perfectly."

"What kind of horse is Farah?"

"An Arabian, they tend to be a bit smaller and finer boned, perfect starter horses as they are generally good natured. Farah is about 15 years old and very well trained so I like them together. Did you want to go for a ride too?"

"Is she ready to go out on the trails?"

"Absolutely, we can take it easy, but she sits well, and has good control. We can get Aria or Marigold for you."

"It looks like Brooklynn is riding English style? I only do Western."

"So Aria then, Marigold is strictly English while Aria is either. I remember you rode her before, with the western saddle."

Carter whistles and Farah perks up, Brooklynn guides her towards us. "Mommy! Did you see? I was riding!"

"I did see, you are doing great."

"Daddy says that when I get better at riding he will show me to do jumps. He showed me on Eclipse, he did some big jumps."

I look over where there is a course set up "You can do those?"

"Sure, Eclipse is a pro, he was mostly trained to be a show jumper." I watch him as he adjusts a strap on Farah and think, yeah, but you obviously rode him so you must be even better on a horse than I imagined." Hey let's go and get mommy a horse and we can do a trail ride if you're ready."

We spend a good part of the afternoon riding and Brooklynn is very tired when we get back. Carter has Frank walk her back to the house so she can have a nap before dinner and Frank can have a much needed break until after dinnertime when he comes back to feed the horses. Carter and I unsaddle and groom the horses. It is nice and quiet, very relaxing as we work together. I follow Carter into the tack room, he takes the saddle from my hands and puts it in its spot, then turns almost running into me as I am still right behind him. He gently grabbed my arm to make sure he doesn't knock me over, steadying me and I lean involuntarily towards him.

"Sorry, didn't know you were standing so close."

I reached up to caress his cheek, 

"It's okay, I'm fine. Thanks for the fun afternoon, Brooklynn had a great time. She did really well."

He gazed down into my eyes but doesn't move away from me, which I take as a good sign.

"She did, and it was a lot of fun. You're welcome, and you know we can do this kind of thing a lot more." He leans back against one of the saddles, and I step a little closer and let my fingers slide up into his hair.

We stand there for a moment, and he rests a hand on my hip, which pulls me towards him. He has warmed up considerably in the past few days, and I might be pushing my luck, but I chance it. I kiss him with my mouth slightly open, inviting him to kiss me back. And he does, very gently slipping his tongue between my lips and sliding a hand into my hair and the hand on my hip curves around my back, and I end right up against him. Our tongues are tangling and probing then he runs some kisses down my neck which makes me gasp. Shivers of desire running down my body. His hands are warm on the bare skin at the small of my back where my shirt has ridden up. He works his up my back under my shirt, caressing my skin as he goes. We continue to kiss, our bodies pressed tightly together.

Somehow during this time, the buttons of my shirt become half undone as does my bra, and his lips are working their way down towards my now bare breast. We are reaching a point of no return for me, I don't want to stop. He does stop though.

"We can't here, I don't have..."

"I don't care. Don't stop." I cut him off before he has a chance to complete the statement, I already know what he's going to say.  Right then, I don't care. At all. I trust him and I've been careful taking my pills, so I kiss him again, and rub him through his jeans, working at the button.

"Susan, are you sure you want to do this here, without..."

"I'm sure, John, don't stop."

He grabs a blanket from off the top of one of the saddles and flips it out over the pile of straw on the floor and we end up there, tangled together, neither of wants to stop at that point…and we don't.  Our clothing ends up in an untidy heap on the floor as undress each other, I can't help the soft moan as our bodies joined as one, our limbs entwined, his lips caressing mine as he moved inside me.  Maybe I'm playing with fire here, but I want to be with him, I can't imagine being with anyone but him ever again, the man I love, the father of my child.  

A while later we wander back towards the house, and he is holding my hand with our fingers entwined, I'm sure I have a big smile on my face. John reaches over and pulls some straw out of my hair, running his fingers through lightly.

"Don't look quite so happy there, Susan."

"Am I making it...too obvious?" My cheeks are flushed and I have a glow about me. My hair is tousled and I try to smooth it out.

"Maybe a touch, if we run into anyone, they might guess what was going on in the stables."

However, we don't encounter anyone when we get back to the house, so we go straight upstairs. He raises an eyebrow at me and then yanks me into his room, pushing the door shut and turning the lock.

"I need a shower."

"Me too. So what am I doing in here?"

"Taking a shower." He leads me into the bathroom and turns on the water, stripping down and stepping in. "Are you joining me?"

_Oh hell yes!_

I drop my clothes in a pile on the floor, joining him in the stall.

"What took you so long?"

Of course we end up in the king size bed after our shower. We make an effort to be much quieter than the last time I shared this bed with him, but he also says that the rooms are pretty soundproof.

I lay in his arms with my head on his chest, and wonder if this means we are back together. He hasn't said it, but I think maybe he has finally forgiven me? I want to talk, but also want to keep it light, I feel like we have gone over what happened so many times now, I don't want to bring it up again. Not after this afternoon anyway.

"Gamma sure did go all out on that bedroom for Brooklynn, and the riding clothes too?"

"She had a lot of fun doing it, trust me. Now Brooklynn has a room here, just for her."

"Yeah the kids has three bedrooms, and clothes at each house, and a horse? I don't want to spoil her."

"Getting her a few new clothes is hardly spoiling her Susan. If she needs something and I notice, I may just replace it for her. I don't consider that overstepping, since she is my daughter. You supported her by yourself for almost 5 years, I think I can contribute now without it being a big deal. Gamma, well, she is happy to have a little girl to spoil, a lot of my cousins were boys, this is a big treat for her. Plus if she is going to ride, she needs proper clothes and the helmet, I would never let her ride without a proper riding helmet."

"Can we…maybe discuss what she needs though? You don't have to pay for everything."

"I know that, but….I have no debt, and I have more income than you, so I can afford to contribute more than you can. We can figure out some child support if you need it, and we should talk about school for her next fall, as she'll be 5."

"I was just going to send her to school near me.  I don't need or want child support, you are contributing more than enough, she is with you at least half the time and you have taken over paying for childcare, plus you are buying her clothes."

"Okay, but the offer is open, we can look at it again if we need. For school, we will need to talk about it further, we have choices to make for her education."

"Like what, private school?"

"Maybe, it's an option."

"The tuition is – astronomical John, I bet it is in the tens of thousands for those schools."

"And, it is an option, I can afford it."

I look up at him. "You can afford private tuition, lessons, a nanny, all of that, and you are still willing to offer me child support."

"Yes, Susan, I can afford it – my monthly income is – significant, and Gamma has already offered to help with anything I can't manage."

"Your grandmother would pay private school tuition."

"Trust me, _she_ can afford it, no problem. This is her great grandchild, as you said, Brooklynn is a Carter, she will be taken care of. She paid for both Chase and I to go to private school, and my grandparents paid for my medical school too, plus a business degree, my family doesn't lack the funds for education."

"I'm still paying my student loans off, I hope to be done soon, you were pretty lucky."

"Yes, I am lucky I don't have to worry about money, you need to relax and enjoy having a few luxuries. If you have extra money now, then use it on your loans or something."

"I wish, I need a new car soon, something more reliable to drive Brooklynn around."

"Don't worry about that too much, you can use mine if you have her, I take the El a lot to work and I still have the Jeep."

"You would let me drive it?"

"Of course, it's just a car, we can put you on the insurance pretty easily, at least until you can afford to buy a new one."

"Maybe I can help with the payments."

"No payments, I just paid cash."

"Seriously, you bought a BMW with cash, come on John, really? You don't expect me to believe that do you."

"Yes, I do, because it's true – I had the money in one of my accounts and it was time for a new car. I have a trust fund, and a full time job, remember?"

"I don't ever want to know how much you make every year then, if you have enough cash sitting around for everything you have bought in the past couple months."

"All right, I won't tell you, though you would have the right to ask me since we have a daughter together. Hey, we should get dressed soon, Brooklynn will be up from her nap, and it is almost time for dinner."

"Should I dress up for dinner?"

"Not too much, just not jeans, dress pants and a nice shirt or sweater are fine."

I was able to throw on one of John's shirts and sneak across to my room without being caught, then dressed before making sure Brooklynn was up and ready for dinner.

Dinner ended up being quite relaxed though Millicent was quite strict with Brooklynn about table manners. Brooklynn talked almost non-stop about the riding we had done that day, how big and comfortable her bed was and numerous other things. The cook, Corinne, made sure dinner was served then disappeared, coming out periodically to make sure nothing was needed. I still can't get over that Carter grew up like this, being waited on, he just doesn't seem like that when we are together.

After we eat, Brooklynn insists on going back to the stable to say goodnight to the horses and Millicent joins us, so I have more time to get to know her. We play a couple games of hide and seek out near the stables, which we all enjoy, then he shows her the tire swing they played on as kids. He checks to make sure it is secure then pushes her for a while. By the time we get back to the house she is tired out again and ready for a bath.

I put her in the large Jacuzzi tub with some bubble bath and she plays for a while with the bath toys that were in a basket on the side. I finally get her in pajamas and we go down to the kitchen where John finds her a snack and makes her some hot cocoa with marshmallows. Millicent visits with us for a bit longer then retires and we get Brooklynn tucked in.

"So, what would you like to do? We can go out for a walk, or watch a movie, or if you have any ideas let me know."

"Let's go out for a walk, this is a beautiful property and it's still pretty nice out."

We have been out for most of the day, but it is nice to be outside the city for a while, and I like having him to myself. We walk, and I reach out and take his hand and he wraps his fingers around mine with a gentle squeeze. Eventually arrive back at the house and sit on one of the benches by the pool.

"This has been a really good day, John, I do hope we can have more like it."

"I am sure we can, I've enjoyed it too."

"Are we… okay now?" I lean against him and he tips up my chin and gives me a kiss.

"Yes, well I hope so anyway. You didn't think we'd have sex, and it wouldn't mean anything, did you?"

"No, I hoped it was…make up sex. You know, us getting back together."

"Do you want us to be back together?"  

"Yes, you know I want us to be together, I thought I'd made that clear." I look up into his eyes, searching his face, hoping that he wants it too.

"I'd like to try and move forward, Susan. We still have things to discuss and to figure out, and I can't promise it will be easy, but I've taken the time I need to sort things out in my mind."

"You aren't angry at me anymore?"

"I get why you did it Susan, I don't necessarily agree, but I care about you, and...I want to see if we can make this work, you and me.  If you want to that is."

"Yes, John, I want to make this...us...work.  Thank you for giving it a chance."

We go back into the house and when we get upstairs, he doesn't let go of my hand, he pulls me with him into his room, and I spend the night cuddled up with him in the soft bed after he makes love to me again.   I drift off to sleep pretty happy for the first time in a long time.


	7. Chapter 7

I wake up suddenly, and I'm looking into two deep brown eyes.

"Mommy, time to get up." Brooklynn shakes me awake and it takes a minute to realize where I am – at Millicent's house, but in John's bed. This will be the first time Brooklynn has seen us in the same bed, I wasn't thinking about this when I crawled in here last night. I glance over and John is already gone. Or maybe not, I guess I didn't need to worry, but I start to wonder where he's gone, the room is totally quiet.

"Okay sweetie, why don't you go to your room and pick out some clothes, and I'll be there in a couple minutes. I'm going to shower and dress, okay?"

"All right, mommy." She runs off and I let out a sigh of relief that she didn't comment that I'm in her dad's bed, and not mine.

I sit up groggily and grab John's dress shirt from last night and slip it over my head, then tiptoe back to my room. I quickly shower and pick out some soft jeans and a sweater, then go check on Brooklynn. She has on a little dress I had never seen before.

"Is daddy going to take me riding again today?" She is stuck on that horse now.

"Maybe, let's go see where daddy is." We go down and Millicent calls them from the dining area.

"Come in and have some breakfast. There's coffee or tea both ready, and if you let me know what you would like and Corinne will get your breakfast."

"Thank you, I'd love some coffee." She pours me a cup from the fancy china coffee pot. "What would you like to eat?" I ask my daughter.

"Pancakes!" She crows.

Millicent smiles. "Okay, and for you Susan?" What, you mean this is like a restaurant or something?

"Eggs and toast?" I say hopefully. "Maybe, scrambled eggs?"

Corinne nods and disappears and I pour juice for Brooklynn, it looks freshly squeezed.

The breakfast arrives surprisingly fast with warm syrup for the pancakes and strawberry jam for my toast. We eat and start chatting with Millicent, then Brooklynn comes out with it.

"Mommy, why were you in daddy's room this morning? I looked for you in your room and couldn't find you." I flush and a sneak a look at Millicent, but she looks amused, not upset or angry. I'm sleeping with her grandson, in her house and it doesn't bother her in the least. "Did you have a bad dream mommy? Sometimes I go see daddy when I have a bad dream or get scared when I'm at his house."

I'm grasping for what to say, but Millicent changes the subject with a warm smile at me "So are you going goriding today? John went up to the stable already, he wanted to ride Marigold, she's been neglected for a while. He was up early but wanted to let you sleep in."

"I think Brooklynn and I would both love to, she's very taken with Farah."

"Yes! Mommy, I'm done, can I go?"

"Okay, let's go brush your teeth and change into your riding clothes and go see daddy at the stables." I barely get this out and she has charged out of the room and is heading upstairs.

Once we're ready, the three of us walk up to the stables, and go through to the riding ring. John's on a beautiful dark brown horse and he's working her around the ring. I watch in interest as the horse changes gate, runs almost sideways across the ring and back, then does the smoothest run I have ever seen in a horse. The horse almost stops and does an interesting circle movement.

"Mommy, how does daddy get the horse to dance like that?" Good question, I think, I have never seen a horse do some of the things he is getting this one to do, and he does not seem to be doing anything noticeable.

"I don't know honey, you will have to ask daddy."

"Very subtle leg and rein movements and heel touches, if you really watch, you might catch him, but he is really good at it, so you have to watch super close." Millicent says this easily.

I can see Brooklynn really start to concentrate and so do I, but the movements he makes are still barely noticeable. He _is_ good at it, the horse does quite number of gait changes without me really knowing how he doing it. Then he lets her out to a smooth canter and takes her into the ring with the jumps and proceeds to do a round, clearing them all perfectly. The horse is not huge but she is smooth and beautiful as she takes the jumps with easy grace. John is on his way back now, and sees us so he comes up and jumps down off the horse and gives us both a kiss.

"Daddy, you made your horse dance! And it was skipping too!"

John laughs. "I guess I did, one day you can learn to do that too if you like. It is a good skill to have, gives you excellent control over your animal."

"Teach me now!"

"It takes a long time to learn but we can work on it next time you come out, maybe we can work on Farah. Marigold is too used to me or Frank riding her. But you can take Marigold for a spin around the arena if you like?"

"Marigold? Is this Marigold?"

"It is." John lifts her into the saddle then makes the necessary adjustments. He signals to Frank then he lets Brooklynn take her for a ride around the ring. Marigold is bigger than Farah, but I know John would not let her ride the horse if it was a problem. She easily trots around the ring, and seems to have no problems, but then the horse is well trained.

In the meantime Frank appears with Farah, Eclipse and Aria, saddled and ready to go. John waves Brooklynn in, and she climbs down.

"That was fun, I like her. Marigold the dancing horse."

John is amused by this, as is Millicent. This is a side of him I have never seen, the command he has with his horses, he has a lot of hidden talents.

Frank takes Marigold and John thanks him. "Let's go for a quick ride before we have to go back to town.

We ride for about an hour, then go back to the house for an early lunch with Millicent before we have to leave. I work the 7pm – 7am, and John is on the 12am-12pm, so we need to get back so we can turn Brooklynn over to the nanny and both have a bit of a rest. As we drive back towards town he asks if I want to go home or to his place, and I say his place if he doesn't mind stopping for some clothes. He nods and makes the required stop and I dash in while he and Brooklynn wait in the car.

The nanny arrives at about one and takes Brooklynn out for a few hours, and then she is going to take her to my apartment for bedtime as I will be home earlier than John. I tell him what happened this morning, since I have not had a chance yet.

"Brooklynn came and woke me up in your room – then she asks me at breakfast why I was in your bed this morning. I was so embarrassed, but Millicent looked totally amused."

"She knows we have sex, Susan, don't worry about it. After all, we made a baby, didn't we?"

I give him a playful smack on the arm. "Five years ago we did, not last night."

Carter gives a little bit of a laugh. "Or you hope we didn't make a baby last night, is that more accurate?"

"What...oh because we didn't...use a condom at all yesterday, any of the times? I'm on the pill, it should be fine."

" _That_ line sounds familiar - I think I've heard it before, oh right, about the same time we conceived our daughter."

"Carter!"

"Oh come on Susan, it's true, that's what you told me."

"I know, we did...skip the condom for the last couple rounds didn't we. Well, I guess we figured the horse was already out of the barn, so why not, isn't that about right?"

"Nice analogy, but, that's about right, and it probably _didn't_ matter at that point. Either way, I wouldn't take it back now, she's a great kid, and we might not have had her."

"I was on the pill though...though I guess there are other reasons to use condoms."

"I wouldn't have slept with you in the first place if I thought those reasons applied, I would never put someone at that kind of risk. I get tested regularly."

"Not sure that makes me feel better, John, you _need_ to get tested regularly?"

He looks over at me. "Yeah, cause I'm such a slut, right? Thanks Susan. So, you don't get tested?"

"Well yeah I do, and I didn't mean it like that. Remember, I've had sex with you without a condom, more than once, so obviously I'm not too worried, right?"

"Ah, good point. For the record, I get tested for several reasons - one of which is...I was stabbed twice with a knife that had been first used to...stab someone else. And I received a _lot_ of blood through transfusion, more than 5 units - which I know is screened, but still I like to be safe, and I work in an urban trauma centre, and...well a few other reasons, but, the main point is, I get tested every 6 months, for HIV and hepatitis and have for years."

"Was Lucy...tested?"

"Yes, she was negative, and I know she was negative for quite a while."

"How do you know that?"

"We were working on a patient, and she had a needle stick on her first ER rotation and I was with her when she got the patient's results and hers. And they tested her after...the stabbing and told me the results since the guy used the same knife. And they tested me at the same time, which was negative. And don't worry, I am usually really careful about using condoms."

"Except when it's with me? We have...gone without more than a couple times."

"Well, maybe I trust you...should I not trust you?"

"You can trust me, I wouldn't put you at that risk either, and I promise I do get tested."

"Good. Susan?"

"What?"

"All joking aside, you have to promise me...if you did, that you would tell me right away."

"Did what?"

"If you...found out you were pregnant again, you would tell me, right?  I mean, there is a chance it could happen, we both know that."

"Yes, I would tell you.  Things are very different now, you aren't a student now, John, you're Chief Resident, an Attending and we are openly dating."

"Not sneaking around, sleeping together when I have barely graduated medical school?"

We sit in silence for a moment, then I recall what we were talking about before we got sidetracked.

"So your grandmother thinking we have sex, and having our daughter announce at breakfast that she found me in your bed this morning is different, right? She gave me my own room and I end up sleeping with her grandson."

"Your room is right across from mine, and in the opposite wing to her, Gamma's subtle way of letting us figure out what we wanted. She was not offended, trust me. She knows you stayed with me at the house 5 years ago in my room too. It doesn't bother her, we are _not_ teenagers, we're adults."

"She knows about our visit when were seeing each other before? What she must think of me."

"What, that you are a grown woman who has a relationship with her grandson that includes sleeping together? Her house is like my home, and she wants it that way."

"So next time we go visit, we can just both stay in your room and she won't mind?"

"We can do that if you want, this time she wasn't totally sure where our relationship was at, and now she knows, she'll probably just have your stuff put in my room."

"She's pretty progressive, your grandmother. I like her, a lot actually. Aside from a few awkward moments, she made me feel right at home. So did you get to special order your breakfast every day like that when you were a kid?"

"I pretty much got to have what I wanted, yes, but sometimes Gamma and I would make breakfast, sometimes it was Corinne. Though remember, I didn't live with her all the time, some of the time I was at my parents, sometimes I was at the boarding school and then it was eat whatever was served. Did you like staying at the house though?"

"Yes, I did. Would she really be okay if I just showed up there?"

"Of course, she considers you and Brooklynn family now. She loves to have company too - she has lots of her friends around and is busy with Foundation stuff but not much of the family visits. I go out quite a bit to see her of course and phone her a lot, when I can with work. It might be nice if we could get our schedules synced a bit better to have time off together and we could all go out more often. If you want to spend more time with me that is, we don't have to."

"I would like that, I am...well happy we seem to be back on track. These past few weeks have been hard - I'm not complaining but what helped you forgive me?"

"A few things, but mainly...our conversation the other day...about mistakes. I _have_ made my share of mistakes, and I've had some second chances, been forgiven for far worse, and the fact is, I care about you. You know how I felt about you even before we started...well whatever you want to call what we were doing 5 years ago. I never kept it a secret, really, and it was difficult for me when you broke it off. But I accepted it, I kind of always knew you...wouldn't stay around for long."

"You seemed to move on pretty quickly, you were already seeing someone else by the time I went to Phoenix. I thought you accepted it fairly easily."

"No, not really. In my family...you learn how to hide your feelings when you are very young, it's the only way you survive. I did try to move on, but the next relationship was never serious either. There was no way it could have been, we kept it pretty...quiet though everyone seems to know anyway."

I absorb what he's said for a moment, and I realize that John Carter has many layers, parts of himself he keeps well hidden. He is not and never has been a completely open book, he's had years to perfect control over his emotions. I start to wonder about what he was feeling when he found out about Brooklynn, I think what I saw was just the tip of the iceberg.

"Kept it quiet? So who was it with?" Carter gives me a little look, but he just shakes his head. "Oh come on John, tell me...or I'll ask Mark."

"You would do that? I bet he would tell you too. Ahhh, really? Do I have to?"

"He would, you know it. Fess up or I'll find out somehow."

"Okay, but...seriously if I tell you, don't talk to anyone else about it, not everyone knows the rumour is true, and it...well you know how you were worried about your career? Confirmation of the rumours could still cause issues for this person."

"All right, sworn to secrecy."

"Mmmmm, man, I hate this. She was a pediatric surgeon, an Attending."

"What? Are you serious?" I am kind of surprised he had another relationship even more risky than the two of us.

He just shrugged. "It just kind of happened, we were over and...it was a good diversion."

"A risky one...an Attending, Carter? Was she your supervisor?"

He laughs a little. "Not exactly...she was...Benton's supervisor."

I think my mouth must have almost hit the floor. "You slept with Benton's supervisor? Carter! Since you are still alive, I guess he never found out."

"Oh, no, he found out, but, there was a lot going on, and for some reason he didn't report us. Anyway, by the time he found out, the pedes rotation was over and she left for Pakistan with an NGO. She was a brilliant surgeon, I...have kept up with her articles and I helped her with some literature reviews while I was on my rotation."

"You must have quite the luck, getting caught, but no consequences? I'm surprised Benton didn't kill you, sleeping with his boss. There were a whole bunch of doctors that came from South Side, the _blond_ one that I saw you having lunch with a few times, was that her?"

"Yeah, she was a lot of fun, I did like her a lot, she was pretty great actually, but for both of us, it was a fling. I used it as a way to...get over you basically."

I give a little laugh. "Lots of fun, I just bet. But to get over me, though? I knew you had a crush on me, but I didn't think it was more than that. Once we slept together, I figured that you would hang around for a bit and then move on."

"No, I let you break it off because I didn't want to ruin your career, and figured it was just...well about the sex for you, I told you that. You didn't know what I was feeling, Susan, because I didn't want you to know. Just like when I broke it off with you this last time, you have no idea how hard it was to walk away. I wanted more than what you seemed able to give, and I thought it was coming sooner or later, you know, just like you walked away last time, so I did it first."

"I wasn't going to walk away, but I knew my luck was going to run out, it gave me the push I needed to at least try to tell you. Didn't quite work out since you ended up seeing her in the ER, before I came clean on what I was hiding. We both thought the same thing the first time around, that the feelings weren't strong enough to keep us together, and we were both wrong?"

"Seems to be the case, and maybe this is our second chance? If you meant what you said the other day."

"I did mean it, John. Maybe it wasn't the right time before, but now? I love you, I love being with you, we have a beautiful daughter together, I want to be with you. I was jealous thinking you were seeing that nurse, I was happy when you said you weren't seeing anyone else. Yesterday and today - were great, it feels like it did 5 years ago."

"Better actually, since now we don't have to sneak around, though the sneaking around part can actually be kind of - fun if you know what I mean. If you want to see if we can make this work, then I would like that, Susan. So, these are for you." He hands me a set of house keys, and a set for his new car.

I take them, putting them in my purse, then I wrap my arms around him and give him a big kiss, which he returns without hesitation. I feel happy and content, I have him back, and I love him.


	8. Chapter 8

The rain comes down in buckets, the sky is dark and it seems like night time, even though it is barely 2 in the afternoon. The casualties are rolling in, and Carter gets a hit and run, a young woman who keeps calling out for her dog and I run in to help. We finally get her stabilized, and she is finally coherent and the officer with us tells her the dog died. I try to console her, after all, I know what it's like to lose a pet.

Carter teases me gently about my dog Happy – he just knew somehow I had lost a pet from the way I talked to the patient. We are in a good mood, we had saved the patient and most of those waiting have minor injuries.

We are wondering why the person didn't stop, the young woman says it was a light coloured car. We move her to another room, and go back to admit when Alger comes in, completely panicked and drags Carter out to the ambulance bay and our good mood evaporates.

Millicent is in the back of the car.

"Dr. Carter, I found her on the driveway, it looks like she slipped."

"Oh John, I should have listened to you about the car, it was so nice out and then it was so dark and rainy. I hit a dog, and I think I broke my hip."

Carter throws a look over his shoulder at me, and we are both thinking the same thing – it wasn't just a dog she hit. "Get a gurney. I think you broke your hip too, Gamma."

We get her out of the car and into the hospital, she seems confused and disoriented. Carter sends Alger to move the car, but tells his he should not take it home, there is definite damage to the front end and Carter is going to have to report it. I feel for him, he has to turn in Gamma to the police for a hit and run.

Always thinking this man of mine, he gets Gamma checked over and books her in for some tests. The hip is for sure broken and he works on getting her in with a specialist and he does this really quickly. Then he calls their lawyer and tells him the story, and leaves it in the lawyers hands, telling him where the car is located.

It is a trying afternoon for him, but soon Gamma is taken care of and on her way to a private care facility, a really fancy expensive one, but Gamma will not stay at County. And as John so often reminds me, money is not an issue.

We go to his house after work, Brooklynn is there with the nanny, and he keeps a smile on his face for her, but that night is a different story.

"Are you okay, John, you look drained."

"I am." We are on the couch, his head cradled in my lap as I stroke his soft hair. I brush an errant piece from his eyes. "I can't believe she hit that girl, and I had to tell Gamma. But at least the girl is going to be okay…if she had died Susan, I don't know how she would be able to live with that. The lawyer is taking care of everything with the police, and I asked Alger to make sure all the car keys are secured. I can't have Gamma drive again, not after this accident. Not that she is going to be home for a while." I hear John's phone ring, he looks at the number, and sits up.

"Dad, yeah, she's okay….. I did tell her not to drive, but you know how she can be…stubborn…right. You should come see her…I know you are on a business trip, but she would like to see you….of course I am taking care of her….fine…call me later….right….bye." He sits back and tips his head back on the cushions with his eyes closed and sighs "Too busy to come home, of course. Story of my life…took him three weeks to come see _me_ in the hospital when I was stabbed, wonder how long it will take for him to see his mother."

What! Three weeks to come see his son who almost died from stab wounds inflicted by a schizophrenic patient? What kind of father is he? I pull Carter back down on the couch so he is in my arms for a change, and I just hold him there for a while.

"Hey, how about we go for a swim in the Jacuzzi tub."

"Oh that sounds good, but that means I have to move."

"Well, you have to go upstairs sometime, and you will be closer to bed this way."

He groans but drags himself off the couch and we go upstairs, he flops on the bed while I run the bath. I get in first and pull him back to lean against me, and I massage his shoulders. "Oh that feels good, keep going." After a while we just both relax until the water cools off then we get out. I make him lay on the bed and give him a back massage, it has been bothering him quite a bit again. I go into my purse and pull out some painkillers I got from my dentist not long ago, shake a couple out then get him a glass of water and hold it out along with the tablets in my hand..

"What are those?"

"For your back, my dentist gave them to me, they have codeine, it will help. You have been in pain quite a bit lately, and its ridiculous for you to suffer."

"No, I can't take those." He just flatly refused.

"You're a masochist, just take the damn things, John. You're in pain with your back and you won't take anything. I don't get it."

"I know you don't understand right now, but…I really don't want to get into this tonight, but I think maybe we need to."

"Okay, after you take these, I'll listen, but not until."

"That's the point Susan…I can't take them. After I got stabbed, I had a problem with painkillers, I can't take opioids or narcotics at all now." He turns over and looks at me. "I got addicted to them, Susan."

I just sit there in a stunned silence. _This_ cannot be happening, the man I love, the father of my child is a _drug addict_?

"You're a drug addict? I can't even…process that, John. You out of all people…" I trail off, then I get up and put the painkillers back in the container. "Is it a problem that they are in the house?"

"No, I handle drugs at work all the time, you know that. I can prescribe them, I just can't take them."

I take a deep breath, trying not to panic. There must be an explanation, but I am a little angry too.

"Talk about keeping secrets. So what happened - how did you?"

"End up addicted?" He sighs and rubs his hands over his face. "Lots of reasons I guess, but the main one is I didn't ask for help when I needed it. And I did need it, I… had flashbacks, I could hear the guy's voice in my head, I couldn't sleep. Actually if I'm truthful, I didn't want to sleep, because…I was having nightmares, I could see Lucy on the floor, the look in her eyes and hear his voice. I felt at least partly responsible for what happened, Lucy dying, I should have been supervising her more closely. I went back to work far too soon, but I couldn't sit around listening to the voices in my head, thinking about it." I hear the pain in his voice, and I realize I can't judge him too harshly, he went through something I can barely comprehend.

I lay down on the bed beside him and turn so I am on my side looking at him. "And?"

"I was still taking painkillers for my back, prescribed ones, but I started taking more than I was supposed to, working was hard on my back. I was getting two doctor to prescribe for me, so they didn't notice how much I was going through. Then I needed more, so once in a while I managed to get hold of other drugs, pretty easy in an ER, really, especially when no one is really paying attention. I would come in to work exhausted because I wasn't sleeping, so I would get a little pick me up. Deb was starting to notice my mood swings, and she was getting concerned, so she talked to Mark, but he didn't do anything, he talked to me for a couple minutes but I just lied and said I was fine. He didn't notice that I was actually just high, or to be more accurate, waiting for the high to kick in so I could go back to work."

"You were working on patients while you were high on narcotics."

"And I put one into anaphylactic shock, I gave her Bactrim when she was allergic to it. Almost killed her, but I reacted quick enough thankfully. Had a bit of a meltdown on that one, but still, no one really clued in aside from Deb. Then one day I got my hands on some Fentanyl, left over from a trauma and someone caught me injecting it. And she reported it to Mark, and he talked to Kerry, and they busted me."

"How were you hiding the injections?"

"Under my watch band that time, I was getting a few little track marks, but easy enough to hide.  We are ER doctors Susan, I know how to hide injection sites."

"So what did they do?"

"Ambushed me, gave me an ultimatum, go to Atlanta or I was fired. So I quit and walked out."

"But you still have your licence."

"Yeah, well Benton followed me and we got into it. He pushed my buttons, I decked him then…I fell apart."

I can't help but smile just a little "Sorry, what? You decked Benton and you're still alive to tell the tale? Peter must really like you, letting you get away with some of the stuff he has let slide."

"I don't usually tell anyone that part, so please don't say anything. What happened or was said between Peter and I is - private between the two of us – but he didn't hit me back, I got a freebie, I guess because I was such a mess. He went with me to Atlanta and got me to the treatment center. It was hard, but I am grateful he came with me, Mark and Kerry were just going to put me on a plane by myself. I would not have made it there, I was in serious withdrawal by the time we landed. I could barely think, I was nauseous, and I had the shakes, I could hardly hold the pen to check in."

"And you haven't used since then?"

"No, it was a 90 day program, and once I was done, I knew I could never do it again. I owe Peter my life, twice over. Peter and Aunspaugh were my surgeons the night I got stabbed, and Peter stayed with me from the trauma room, talked to me in pre op and he was there when I woke up after. He saved me from walking away from my career – I like Mark, but…he does not do confrontation well, Deb didn't know what to do, neither did Kerry or Aunspaugh. Peter knew how to get to me, he knows me really well, we worked so closely for such a long time. And we have…history from other things that happened in the past."

"Peter, huh, you two are on a first name basis now?"

"Who knew right? This is going to sound weird, but he has been a mentor, a saviour, a friend, and really, kind of like a big brother."

I touch him for the first time since he started talking, resting my palm on his cheek, then I lean over and kiss him. "Thank you for sharing all of this."

"You're not…disappointed in me?"

"No, you went through a lot, you obviously cared about…Lucy? Watching her, not being able to help, being stabbed yourself and having to recover from what happened, I don't know how well I would have handled it either. You didn't get the help you needed, but you have now and have it out of your system."

"I don't know about out of my system, there are days that are harder than others, but I have way too much to lose to start using again."

"Your family knows?"

"Of course, I was in rehab for 90 days, they all know about it."

"So this is one of the things you feel your dad is disappointed about?"

"I _know_ he is, he's told me so. Gamma has been great, she doesn't treat me differently now than before, but some people do, it's like I can never do enough to make up for it."

"Wow, Fentanyl."

"Well, abuse the good ones, you know, I'm a high class drug addict, only pharmaceutical grade drugs for me. Even in a drug induced haze I was careful, no dirty needles, no street drugs, and I used alcohol wipes for injections. I knew I shouldn't be doing it, but I did it anyway."

"That's why you left County?"

"Yeah, Weaver bagged me for Chief Resident, pulled my application before it got to committee. Even though I did absolutely everything that they required, random drug testing, restrictions on what I could do at work for quite a long time, they continued to make me pay for my mistake. And everyone there...knew what happened. Even though I supposedly had privacy on the terms of my return, I still didn't feel totally welcome when I came back. So I completed the last 3 months of my residency, Rosen offered me the position at Northwestern and I took it. I still get to be Chief Resident, and Attending, and I don't have to deal with the judgement."

"Rosen knows though?"

"Of course, but the rest of the staff don't, so please don't reference it at work."

"I wouldn't even consider doing that, what we talk about is private, John."

"Thanks, Susan. I have wanted to tell you for a while, but we were dealing with so much other stuff in our relationship, I just didn't know how to bring this into the mix."

"It's not easy to hear, I won't lie. I dealt with Chloe for so long, but I feel like this is not quite the same. She was a hard core drug addict and alcoholic, and had been for a long time. You were dealing with PTSD, which isn't really the same. But, this is why you don't really drink anymore - right?"

"Yup, drinking is not recommended, being addictive. So, does this change your mind?"

"Change my mind about what?"

"Being, well, involved with me. I know it has to be difficult, with Chloe's history, you might now want to deal with this."

"John, are you clean? Do you intend to stay clean?"

"Yes, of course. It's been a year and a half since I came back from Atlanta, and I have way too much to lose."

"Then no, it doesn't change my mind at all. I love you, I want to be with you."

I can see the relief in his eyes, it took some courage for him to tell me. "I love you too, Susan." He says softly.

We wrap our arms around each other and just hold each other for a while, this has been a very long and emotional day. Eventually we both crawl under the covers, and I play with his hair, I love this guys hair, it is so soft. We end up kissing, which turns passionate pretty quickly, and leads to a physical release we both need so much tonight. Afterwards I curl up in his arms and we both fall into a deep exhausted sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

It's afternoon, and Brooklynn has been sent out with the nanny and will be going back to John's house while John and I are 'taking a nap' at my apartment before our shift. This is a joke between us, we were on opposite shifts for a while, and he's been busy with his grandmother in the hospital, so we had to steal what time we could together and it hasn't been much over the last week. We're both finally on the same shift schedule and are taking some time to be together.

We get in the door, and I am reminded of our first night together - everything happens quickly, we have been anticipating this moment all morning. He tosses his keys trying to hit the tray on the table, they fall with a rattle to the floor, but he doesn't even look, he just grabs me and pulls me tight against him. There's a lot of kissing heavy on the tongue action, him with his hands up my sweater undoing my bra, then pushing it up to use his lips and tongue to tease my nipples. He grasps my ass, pulling me up against him so I can feel the hard length of him as our tongues start to wrestle again, then we start to remove clothing, and it ends up everywhere, discarded with abandon as we begin a slow sensual dance towards the bedroom. I feel the bed against the back of my legs, and he pushes me down firmly but gently, so I'm laid out naked on my bed, and he joins me.

He kisses his way down my body, stopping to pay generous attention to my breasts, which elicits moans from my lips, I can't stop myself. I relish the touch of his hands and lips skimming my body, he knows he exactly how to bring me the most pleasure.

In the wake of our passionate lovemaking we cling together for several moments, until we can both move again, then he rolls onto his back, one hand resting on my thigh. We both lay their panting, trying to catch our breath.

I roll on my side and wiggle closer, putting my head on John's chest as he wraps an arm around my shoulders. "That was fantastic, I feel the best I have all week."

He looks over and gives me a little grin "Well, I aim to please, and believe me, I enjoyed it too."

"I swear the sex is getting better every time." I finally voice the thought that has been going through my head.

"Maybe, though with you it's always been...absolutely incredible, we have undeniable chemistry."

"Chemistry...you think that's why?"

I'm sure chemistry plays a big role with us, but there's something far deeper here, maybe the fact I'm crazy in love with him. And John has always been very passionate and energetic when it comes to our physical intimacy, and uninhibited as well. When we had our 'affair' 5 years ago, he had some pretty amazing moves, and he was never shy or hesitant. He always leaves me incredibly sated and satisfied, and that includes the very first time – the night I asked him to take me home with him from the pub.

Div was older than John is now, when I dated him several years ago, and Brad was a bit older too, in fact all my previous lovers have been older than me, yet none of them made me feel like this when we were in bed together. I also used to have to 'fake it' once in a while, and I never have to do that with John, he always finds some way to make me feel very very good.

I smile then lift myself up, leaning over to kiss him. I part my lips and stick my tongue in his mouth, probing and tasting him, he opens his mouth and his tongue is soon in my mouth and I end up on top of him. This time I take the lead, and make love to him, leaving us in a sweaty tangle of limbs.

We finally cuddle close to each other and fall into a deep sleep, which is sadly interrupted by the ringing of the alarm. I sigh, time to get up and get ready for work, but I am so warm and comfortable snuggled up to John in my bed. It is getting chilly out now as it is December and Christmas is approaching.

I hear my automatic coffee maker click on - a gift from John as he hates the roach coach coffee since it is progressively getting worse as time goes on. I give him a shake "The alarm went off, time to get ready for work."

"Already? We just went to bed."

I giggle and give him a kiss "Maybe, but we spent half of our nap time having fun, so...time to get up."

"Hmmm, but it was so worth it." He gives me a wink.

I roll out of bed and walk over to the bathroom, and I don't even bother with a robe. This is unusual for me, but John is so uninhibited and does this all the time - well when there are only the two of us around anyway. So I am trying to be less self- conscious around him and it gets me a comment today.

"You, Susan, are beautiful, I could look at that ass for hours." He gives me a cheeky grin and wiggles his eyebrows at me as I look over my shoulder and blush slightly.

"Now I wish I had worn my robe."

"I'm glad you didn't, I love your body, you are a truly beautiful, desirable and sexy woman." Though he was just teasing me a minute ago, I know right now he is being serious. He does see me that way, despite the fact that I am not perfect, or quite as thin as I was 5 years ago, and I have a couple stretch marks from carrying our child. He hops out of bed and follows me to the shower.

I turn on the hot water and we both climb in, washing our hair and bodies, he soaps my back and kisses the back of my neck. "You know I mean that, right Susan? I love it that we can just be ourselves with each other, and I wouldn't change a thing about you."

I turn and wrap my arms around his neck "I know...it took me a while to feel comfortable walking around naked, but then I realized it is silly to worry about it. You see my body all the time, when we make love, when we shower, when I change, and you still want me and always make me feel beautiful. I love you." I give him a warm loving kiss.

"You are beautiful and I love you too, don't ever change." He whispers back and hugs me. "I wish we had more time, but I think we have to get dressed."

I turn off the water and we both towel dry and get dressed and ready for work. We run around quickly and collect up the clothing strewn around the apartment from our tryst. John pours us each coffee in a large travel mug, and doctors mine up with a little cream and sugar, and then we have to leave for the hospital.

We take the L, even though it is cold, and we are partway to work when John's phone rings. "Hi dad...we're fine...Gamma is doing okay, she is getting cranky at being trapped in the hospital." He listens for a moment and takes a sip of his hot coffee. "Really? Are you going to stay at the house?...Oh, the Ritz...well okay, you could stay...fine, see you in a few days."

He hits the off button. "My parents are actually coming home for Christmas, first time in nine years."

He looks kind of happy about this, and I can see why, he hasn't had his parents around for the holidays in nine years? I can't get away from my family over the holidays, and his never shows up. This reminds me, I have to work out with John what we are doing over Christmas, we haven't had a visit with my parents yet. Sure, my mom met John when Susie was born, but she has not seen him since, and he is the father of her grandchild. And maybe, if things continue to go well for us, their future son in law? I can only hope he wants to marry me someday.

"That's great, John. We should figure out what we are doing for Christmas, my parents want us to visit over the holidays and if your parents are here, and we need to see Millicent if she is still in the hospital."

"Hmmmm, my dad will be in town soon, but maybe I'll call him tomorrow and see what he was thinking. I am sure we can figure out how to split things up so we can see everyone. Gamma will still be in the hospital, so we will need to go visit her Christmas day and maybe have dinner with her, maybe do Christmas Eve day with your family? Depending on our work hours of course."

"The schedule should be out today, I tried to get both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off, and I kind of...booked you off too."

"Really? That's great, if they let us have the time. I usually work on the holidays, but this year, it seems like there will be lots of family around."

We have a very busy shift and by the time the end comes, I am exhausted. It is 5 am and we are on the L going towards John's house. Since we are both on the 5pm to 5am, we will get a few hours sleep then spend some time with Brooklynn before we have to go to the hospital again. I like being on the same shift as John, except for the fact that it does leave Brooklynn with the Nanny for 4 days straight until we are off. But then we have 4 full days off before we work another 4 days, and we get to spend it as a family.

I did get our schedules and I very excited as John and I both have Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and most of Boxing Day, returning to work at 5pm. We can plan our Christmas activities.

Our days off arrive and we take Brooklynn to see Gamma in the hospital, then we take her ice skating in Grant Park. I didn't have skates for either of us, so we made a quick stop and purchased some, John's treat.

The next morning we visited Gamma, then went out to the 'mansion' and John worked with Brooklynn and Farah in the riding ring. He brought her out fairly often when we were on separate shifts and she has improved immensely. I was watching for a while until John asked me if I wanted to try English style riding, and he got me up on Marigold, and I had a great time. John is a terrific teacher, he is patient and gives excellent directions - probably because you have to very precise with med students or they are apt to kill someone. As Chief Resident he spends a lot of time teaching and he seems to love it, most days anyway.

We find the toboggan hill and Brooklynn and I do a few runs, John watches as he is still having a bit of trouble with his back. He does help us make a snowman though, and he comes out of the stables with a top hat, and just the right things so Brooklynn can create a face. Finally we go back to the house and make hot chocolate in the gourmet kitchen and play some board games and cards, while nibbling on fresh homemade cookies.

Corinne works in the kitchen making us a fabulous though kid friendly dinner, then we get Brooklynn into her pajamas and pile onto the king size bed in Johns room and watch a movie on the big screen tv attached to the wall. Brooklynn only makes it part way through when she crashes, it has been a very busy day. John carries her back to her room and tucks her in, with a soft kiss on her forehead. He returns to the bedroom, which he is starting to call 'our' room, and shuts the door. We get ready for bed, and then spend a couple hours making love to each other before falling asleep cuddled up in the middle of the big bed.

The next morning I wake up and John is already gone. I relax for a while, then start to wonder where he is, and also, where is Brooklynn? I finally get up, shower and dress, then find her room is empty as well and her riding clothes are gone. Downstairs Corinne offers me coffee and breakfast, informing that 'Dr. John' and Brooklynn have already eaten and gone back for some more riding and will be back in a while, so feel free to make myself comfortable.

I enjoy a leisurely breakfast, then give myself a self tour of the house. It is massive, and gorgeous. The main floor has the study which contains a beautiful antique desk, a small wetbar, a tv and quite a few books. There is an actual library, two kitchens with several wall stoves, a pantry, a living room, a music room, the breakfast room, a dining room and a coatroom. Upstairs has numerous bedrooms, all with gorgeous furnishings, I think there is about 14 but I lose count, and up another level there seems to be more bedrooms, though smaller and less grandly furnished, and an attic with lots of boxes. I find the door to the downstairs and there is a small movie theatre, and a pretty incredible and well stocked wine room, along with a massive rec room that has a pool table, table tennis, darts, along with a lot of board games.

I go back up to our bedroom and look out over the massive grounds, taking in the pond, the fountain, the numerous benches and impressive landscaping that ends as the acres of forested land take over. I go back to the room I first used when I was here, and it overlooks the huge pool, the pool house and a very large stone terrace. The yard on this side is perfectly manicured and I can imagine many parties being held there. I noticed on our way up to the stables yesterday there is also a tennis court set quite far back from the house. I know there is another terrace and manicured lawn on another side of the house as well. Right now it is covered in snow, but I remember is was spectacular the summer John brought me here.

I shake my head in awe, John takes this all for granted, I don't know if he even notices how impressive this place is, truly a small castle. And we, Brooklynn and I, are lucky enough to share this with him and with his grandmother. They have welcomed us both into this fairytale life.

I go back down and find the door to the back garages and wander in. There is a black town car, two antique jags, one silver and one red, and old Bentley and a very old model T ford. I happen to glance up and realize there are several more cars up on lifts, including an older Porsche 911, another sports car that I finally see is a Maserati. Another door leads to a garage with a Mercedes convertible M6 and a BMW Sedan, and Carters Jeep. How many cars does this family need? There must be several hundred thousand dollars just in automobiles in the garage, maybe even over a million dollars worth.

John and Brooklynn aren't back yet, so I decide to take a little walk, it seems mild out today. I dress warmly then walk towards the stables, and go in to visit the horses, but find all the stalls are empty.

"Good morning Dr. Lewis, can I assist you?" Frank comes out of the tack room, and I smile a bit, thinking about my little assignation there with John a few weeks back.

"Oh, I was just going to visit the horses, but no one seems to be home."

"I put them out to pasture, they go out for a good part of every day, we have a lot of fenced land and it's good for them. If you would like to ride, let me know and I can bring in whichever horse you wish."

"Thank you Frank, let me check with John and see how long they are going to be, and I'll let you know."

"Dr. Carter took Miss Brooklynn out riding since it was nice, they only left about 10 minutes ago, would you like to try and catch up with them? I can have Aria ready quickly, I just brought her in for some ring work."

I nod and true to his word, Aria is ready in less than 5 minutes, Frank points to the path, and tells me if I stay on it I will find Dr. Carter. I thank him and point Aria in the right direction, and enjoy a light canter up the path. I observe a large field and see a lot of the horses are indeed out for the morning and notice that Eclipse is among them. Eclipse gallops across the field and I admire the animal, he is a very fast horse, I wonder how John manages him.

I catch up with the two of them fairly quickly, they are at most doing a light trot, as John is getting Brooklynn to work on her posting.

"Mommy! You found us." I get a big grin from my daughter.

"Hi sweetie, yes Frank said I just missed the two of you and he got Aria ready for me."

John smiled, one that makes his eyes sparkle "Good, we were just having a short ride, Brooklynn did a great job in the ring this morning, and I wanted to get Marigold out for a while." I smile back, I just can't help but love him.

We ride out for another half hour, then turn back as Brooklynn has had a long morning. We get back and John insists Brooklynn help with the tack and grooming this time. He has been teaching her how to saddle a horse, and also general care of her animal. He helps her lift off the saddle, but gets her to do quite a surprising amount of the work herself, considering she is not yet 5. The thing is though, she loves every minute of it, both the interaction with the horse, and the time with her daddy.

I have to remind myself that she has only had a daddy in her life such a short time. As Millicent observed, they have bonded very strongly, and it's almost like he has always been there. He is nothing short of fantastic with her, he listens, he's patient, you can tell he loves every minute he spends with her, he is not taking the time for granted, he makes the most of it.

Once we finish with the horses, we put blankets on them and John turns them out into the field with the rest. We walk back to the house and we all go to change as our clothes are covered in horse hair. John throw all the clothes in the laundry hamper in the walk in closet. I notice that the bed has been made, the bathroom cleaned and the room is perfect in the time we were up at the stables.

Corrinne has lunch ready for us, and John suggests that we hunt for a Christmas tree and decorate it this afternoon. He asks Alger to find the boxes of ornaments and lights in the attic, then after we eat we go out for a walk in the woods. He instructs us on what we are looking for, and it doesn't take long before Brooklynn picks out a tree that John declares is perfect, and he chops it down.

"Your pretty efficient with that axe." The guy continually surprises me - he has a versatile skill set from all the different activities and sports he took part in over the years.

"Well, it has been a tradition every year to hunt and cut down the Carter family Christmas Tree right here in these woods. I used to do this with my dad and Bobby, when he was still alive, after that it was my grandfather who would generally bring me out

We take the tree back to the 'mansion' and John sets it up in the stand while Brooklynn and I make hot chocolate with marshmallows and get some more of Corrinne's fabulous cookies. We set up the tree in the main floor living room and spend a good hour stringing the lights and putting on the decorations while the fire Alger lit for us crackles merrily. John lift Brooklynn to put the angel on top and we plug it in...beautiful.

As it is getting later in the afternoon now, Corrinne asks if we are staying tonight, and John looks at me, I nod. "We can go back in the morning, I'd like to do some Christmas shopping tomorrow." I know we can stop at the mall on the way back to John's house, where we are spending more and more time. I have found my clothes migrating over there, and Brooklynn is hardly sleeping in her bed at my apartment anymore.

"Thanks Corrinne, we will need some dinner in a while."

Corrinne looks pleased that we are staying. I think the staff are enjoying having people to take care of, and Corrinne seems very fond of John, and absolutely loves Brooklynn already. We play a couple card games, then we take Brooklynn downstairs to show her the rec room, which she thinks is fantastic. John ends up showing her how to hold a pool cue, and with the help of a step stool we play a short game of pool. She does pretty well and has a great time.

Dinner time arrives and Brooklynn is exhausted again, she has had two very busy days with a lot of outside time. We eat and get her ready for bed, she barely lasts for a story and she is asleep in her bed.

I yawn a bit as well, and we decide to have a soak in the jacuzzi tub, with the jets running to sooth our tired muscles and then we snuggle in bed watching a movie. The last couple days have been almost perfect, and I drift into happy sleep.

I wake up to a light shake from John, he has very quick shower to wake up and then gets dressed, choosing from the large selection of clothes in the closet. I pull out some clothes from my overnight bag and get ready for breakfast. John has Brooklynn dressed and downstairs by the time I arrive and I find he has even 'ordered' my breakfast which turns out to be Eggs Benedict with hashbrowns, along with fresh orange juice. He knows me so well, my coffee is even perfect.

We eat and then go back upstairs to brush our teeth and gather our bags, and I find a nice surprise. My clothes from the day before are washed and neatly folded on the bench near my bag, so I tuck them in so I can take them home. I go to pack my personal items but John takes them away and puts them in the cabinet. "We'll get you some more at the mall today, you need to bring out a few things, extra clothes and stuff so you have it here when we visit. Then you don't have to pack a bag every time."

"Well, that's presumptuous there Dr. Carter." I tease him.

"Oh? Is it? I thought you liked coming out here." He grins and goes to hand me back my stuff, but I take it out of his hands and put it back, giving him a very big kiss.

I grab my bag, Carter gets the small bag that Brooklynn likes to bring and we head out to the car. We spend time at the mall, John buys me a new set of personal items, and then we buy the necessary gifts, Secret Santa for work, presents to send to my sister, her husband and Susie in Texas, a gift certificate for the nanny, a couple gifts for Gamma, John's mom and dad, and of course my parents. John takes Brooklynn for a few minutes, and she picks out my gift which John buys, then I do the same so she can pick something for him.

We stop for a quick dinner on the way home, stop by to see Gamma, then go back to John's house for the rest of the night. Tomorrow is our last day off before we are on shift again, so we plan to do a fun family activity and all turn in early.


	10. Chapter 10

It's two days before Christmas, and John has gone to have lunch with his dad after they visit Gamma in the care facility. Despite Jack Carter having been in town for several days, John has barely seen him. He hasn't made any effort to come see his granddaughter either, I've been back in Chicago almost four months and she hasn't met her grandfather.

I see John in the lounge when he gets back from lunch and he's very distracted, rummaging through his locker without seeming to know what he's looking for.

"How was lunch?"

He has a lost expression on his face, and I'm not sure he even registered I've said something to him, so I touch his arm. "What? Oh sorry, uh, lunch was…okay."

"Just okay? Did he tell you when your mom is coming, so we can get some plans made for Christmas Day?"

"She's not coming." His voice is flat and he has an odd look on his face.

"I thought they were both going to be here."

"Nope." He turns towards me "They're getting a divorce, my dad said I gave him the idea, he left her."

"What? A divorce?"

"After more than 30 years of marriage."

"Wow, that's a long time. Why does your dad say you gave him the idea?"

"Something I said at my grandfather's funeral. I told him not to let mom keep him in her bubble, and he seemed to think it meant he should divorce her. He said the marriage wasn't working and I spotted it before he did."

"That's the key statement, John, the marriage wasn't working. That's _not_ your fault, and at least he has the courage to do something about it. I wish my parents would have the courage, they're still together, but you know, they probably shouldn't be – you'll get to see the Lewis family in action tomorrow." I give him a big hug.

"Thanks Susan, it's just so...unexpected I guess. They have been together so long, I can't imagine them without each other." He sighs "My dad isn't going to hang around long, so we are just going to see Gamma at the hospital for Christmas dinner, but at least you and Brooklynn will finally get to meet him." He sighs again. "What do you think if we go out to the house Christmas Eve, you know we were planning on coming home after dinner with your family anyway. The house is closer, we have the tree all set up there, it will be nice. Most of the staff is off for a couple days, to see their families, I told Frank I'd take care of the horses, so just the three of us?"

I think how appealing that would be, Christmas at Millicent's house. Brooklynn loves it there, so much for her to do outdoors. "Sounds great, John, why don't we do that. We have the time off and it won't take long to drive in for our dinner with Millicent."

I get a faint smile, I can tell he is still bothered by the divorce, he is going to need some time.

The rest of the shift flies by, and is surprisingly fun. Everyone brought in some food to share, kind of like we used to do a County several years ago, and one of the nurses hands out the Secret Santa gifts. They're all pretty tame gifts compared to what used to get handed around at County – I was expecting handcuffs and the like.

I got pretty used to the gag gifts at County, until the year John Carter arrived at County. He got my name that first Christmas he worked there, and bought me a beautiful music box which I'm sure cost way more than the $20 limit. I still have it, it is on the top of my dresser, and I know John has seen it there. We finish our shift and head back to John's house.

"The gifts are nice, not crazy like at County. I remember there were handcuffs, edible underwear, and all sorts of stuff handed out there." I received a nice pair of earrings in sterling silver, and John got a bottle of fairly expensive aftershave. I think I know who had his name, one of the nurses whom I swear is in love with him, and found out what brand he wears. "Whoever got your name sure violated the $20 limit rule, I bet it was Trina."

John gives me a sideways glance. "Ah Trina, you have nothing to worry about." He laughs. "It's funny, I kind of miss the County gifts. Remember the rubber sheets? Last year they were still being passed around. I think Doug gave them to someone the first year I was there, they've never been opened, they just go from house to house."

"Well, I'm happy to hear they're at least unused, otherwise Ewwwww. Hey, whatever happened to the robe I gave you, I still have the music box."

"I know, I'm glad, it was...above the $20 limit too. The robe met with an unfortunate end, sadly, turned into charcoal with all my other belongings. My neighbour Betty managed to burn down my apartment building, just after we stopped seeing each other, it was about October. I lost absolutely everything, including all the slides I had done up for a presentation I helped Benton prepare. That did not go over well, but hey, what can you do."

"Oh, right, I totally forgot – so _that's_ why you never wear a robe."

"Of course, I lost the one you gave me, I miss it too much and now I can never wear another robe, ever again." He gives me a little grin and a wink. "Unless you decide to get me a new one."

"Hmmmmm, I don't know, I like looking at that fine naked ass, though sometimes a robe might be appropriate."

We arrived home, Brooklynn is already tucked into bed for the night. We give the nanny, Louisa, her Christmas bonus, and tell her to enjoy the days off with her family and she departs. John and I spend a few minutes organizing the presents and suitcases, so we will be ready to leave the city quickly in the morning, it is just over an hour to get to my parents house just outside the city. I look at the large box of gifts and wonder how we managed to buy so much, but Carter loves to spoil both me and his daughter.

"I'm going to go and take a shower." He looks totally exhausted, so I give him a kiss and send him upstairs while I finish things up. I finally turn off all the lights and trudge up the stairs with a sigh, I have to be with my family most of the day tomorrow. I hope it all goes well, I am sure they will love John though, he is really great with people. I just worry about the inquisition he will face, my mother loves to criticize.

John is in bed already, I jump into the shower and put on some soft pyjamas then join him. His breathing is fairly even, and I think he's asleep until I feel his arms around me and he places a light kiss on the back of my neck. He cuddles up to me and sighs, I know it has been emotionally draining, finding out his parents are divorcing.

I fall into a deep sleep, waking the next morning to the beeping of the alarm clock. Brooklynn races into our room, and ends up on John's side. "We gonna see gramma and grampa today!"

John reaches out and grabs her, throwing her onto the middle of the bed and she giggles uncontrollably. "Daddy!" John tickles her, gives her a big kiss and then tells her to go get dressed.

"John, you're getting her all riled up, you know we have to put up with her in the car for over an hour right?"

"Like she wasn't already? Come on Susan, it's Christmas Eve, we have a few days off – relax." He grabs me and gives me a huge kiss, which I return, until he pulls away reluctantly. "We should get dressed too."

It doesn't take long and we are ready to go, John has made us coffee in our travel cups and we have all had a light breakfast. John loads up the car while I get Brooklynn's teeth brushed and buckle her into the backseat.

I fidget quite a bit on the drive, I am really nervous about my parents meeting John. Thing is, I never filled my parents in on _who_ Brooklynn's father was, I mean they knew he was a doctor but I didn't get into his background. I told them when I broke the pregnancy news to them, that it just didn't work out between us. That he wasn't going to be part of my baby's life, and they accepted it, though I did get quite a few lectures. How disappointed they were that both of their daughters managed to get pregnant while unmarried, how neither baby would have a father. What a deadbeat the father must be to not want to be involved which was certainly true of Susie's father, but definitely did not apply to John Carter.

When they heard I was getting back together with Brooklynn's father, I finally confessed to them that I had never told him that he even had a daughter, until now. Then they were even more disappointed in me, but I didn't want them to be angry with John, so I sucked it up. I assured them that he was happy to be part of her life now, and that he was helping to support his daughter, and told them they could not blame him, that it was my choice to have her without his help. They still don't know he is from a prominent and affluent Chicago family, we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

"Are you ready? My family can be a bit much to take." He knows I am really nervous, and he gives me a reassuring smile.

"I think I can manage, they can't be any worse than being around a full house of Carters or going to some of the Foundation benefits. I can deal, trust me. Anyway, I met Cookie, remember?"

And he does deal, admirably. He's never been a snob, so he makes no comment on my parents small, modest apartment, or my mothers bad dye job on her hair. He's perfectly polite and charming, offering to help with small things like setting the table for dinner, and converses easily with both my parents. My mom can be very annoying and talks on forever without letting anyone else get in a word, but John seems very comfortable. He is straightforward in his answers when they grill him, but he doesn't over elaborate either.

I am sure over time they are going to figure it out, but he acts so – normal – that they would never guess his family is worth millions. They just assume he is an underpaid Emergency Room doctor, that I met when I worked at County. That is fine with me, my parents get weird around people with money, and though I know John really well, I still worry that my parents will scare him off.

I am extra nervous as my dad starts to talk to our daughter, my dad is great with kids and even helped me a bit with Susie when Chloe abandoned her. I forgot how much Brooklynn loves to talk with her grampa.

"Grampa, daddy is teaching me to ride, he has lots of horses and my Gamma Mill lives in a castle. I have my own princess room."

I shoot a look at John and he shrugs imperceptibly and gives me a look that says 'they're going to find out sometime'. Hopefully not today though, I don't want my mother fawning over him once she finds out how much he has.

My mom smiles indulgently at Brooklynn "Oh, honey, don't exaggerate, I'm sure it's not a castle." Uh, it kind of is I think, but I'm not going to tell her. I wait to see what our daughter says next. "But you're learning to ride a horse?" She looks at John curiously, anyone my mother knows that ever owned horses is more…redneck let's say…and John doesn't look cowboy in the least in his dress pants, expensive monogrammed dress shirt and silk tie. I have to hide my grin.

"You have horses, John? How many?"

"I have three, and Brooklynn is using my cousin's horse." John keeps his answer simple and straightforward.

"But there's more horses than that, twelve horses, right daddy? My horses name is Farah, and she's….rabian?"

"Arabian" John corrects.

"Oh, that's very nice." My mom says politely, all she knows about horses is that they come in different colours and you can put a saddle on them.

"Where do you keep so many horses?" My dad is curious, and I can see the wheels turning in his head as he observes John, surely noticing for the first time how he is dressed.

"We keep them at my grandmother's house, makes it convenient, we often stay over there when we go out to ride."

"We are going there for Christmas! I get to go riding." Brooklynn volunteers.

"She owns her own house, how nice." My mom goes on like my daughter didn't say a word. "We have always rented, and I am sure most young people will too. Where do you live John?"

"I actually own a house, not too far from Northwestern, it's convenient for work." I am thankful he doesn't name his neighborhood, then he'd get the inquisition for sure.

My mom stares at John for a second then she smiles at me in a 'well done Susan' kind of manner. A doctor that owns a house, a big step up from a doctor that rents. I'm glad that she has no clue about his family, or she'd probably never let him out the door until he proposed marriage. Fortunately that line of questioning ends and my mother offers dessert, which John graciously accepts. My dad gets going on about sports, and the two men start discussing the merits of the various teams. He seems to be able to adjust to any topic my parents bring up, and I'm very impressed, and he puts up with my mothers increasingly embarrassing comments without even so much as a twitch. My mother makes not so subtle comments about how old I am, how it would be sooooo nice to see me married like my sister Chloe, all the things I don't want my mother discussing with the man in my life. Especially since our first dating experience was a three week secret affair, and this time we have barely managed to get two solid months in since he forgave me for lying to him.

Though to be fair, my mom doesn't have any idea of the details, and I'll never tell her, or she would have enough ammunition to embarrass me for the rest of my natural life.

My mom updates us on Chloe and Susie, making a comment about her daughters having children outside of marriage which makes me embarrassed, but John takes it in stride. I know he got much the same type of comments from his dad, so I don't feel too bad, though I'm guessing Jack Carter won't make those type of comments to me.

I tell them that John helped in the delivery room when Susie was born and soon wish I hadn't. This brings out a comment on how it would have been nice if he was there for his own daughter's birth, which makes me cringe as I see a fleeting sad look go through John's eyes. I didn't give him the opportunity to be there, and I know he wishes he'd had the chance. But, he lets the comment go by and artfully changes the subject before too much more can be said and I am supremely grateful.

Finally it is time for us to leave, and I heave a huge sigh of relief. We pack up the gifts from my parents, and we say our goodbyes. My mom and dad help bring things down for us, John is carrying Brooklynn who is now falling asleep. This is a mistake, my mom's eyes pop open when she realizes we are driving a brand new BMW.

"My goodness Susan, who's car is this?"

"John's, he bought it not long ago."

"John, you should be careful about getting into too much debt, a house and a brand new car, the payments must be a little steep." My mom pats his arm with concern.

"It's fine mom, John knows what he is doing." I jump in before he can say a word.

"I'm sure he does Susan, but maybe we should put him in touch with your cousin, he's good at finances, he's an accountant, he could probably give John some good financial advice."

"That's very kind of you Cookie, but my grandmother has an accountant that I use, he takes care of all my financial questions." John tries to decline the offer with grace, but my mother insists she will send me the information to give to John.

We gives hugs to my mom, and John shakes my dads hand and we escape.

We pull away and I reach over to stroke his cheek, then take his hand. "You were great, thank you. My parents can be….well a little crazy, and my mother's favourited past time is to embarrass me."

He smiles and brings my hand up to his lips for a light kiss as he drives. "It's fine Susan, trust me, once you get to meet my mother, you will be grateful for Cookie."

I laugh. "Oh I don't know about that, but thank you anyway. It went pretty well, aside from my mother making a few….comments she shouldn't have."

"Don't worry, I have a thick skin, you never got to deal with my grandfather, though you do get to meet my dad tomorrow, so…be prepared."

We arrive at the house and the front light is on, but the door is locked. John pulls out a key and opens the door for us. He carries Brooklynn right up to bed and get her tucked in, I am glad we had her put on pyjamas before we left my parents house. It's strange to be here with no staff around, but we make ourselves at home. Corinne has left plenty of food in the fridge and has made a few things like cookies and a pie for us.

We put all the presents under the tree and John makes us some tea in the huge kitchen, we sit at the granite counter top and share a piece of pie.

"Thank you again for today, I know there were points when it got awkward. My parents were disappointed in me, you know, for not being married when Brooklynn was born. Of course this all happens not long after Chloe has Susie, and the whole failed adoption fiasco. Though at least I wasn't a drug addict." I suddenly realize what I just said and shoot him an apologetic look.

He takes my hand "It's okay, I know what you meant." He gives it a squeeze then releases it.

"I know I should tell them more about you, but…they get really weird around people with money."

"I'm used to it, Susan, you can tell them if you want, it's not a big secret, and they are going to find out at some point. They will get used to it, just like you did, remember when you found out my family had money? Well, I guess the whole ER kind of found out between Benton's student loan comment and Jerry with the Chicago magazine." He undoes a couple more buttons on his shirt and sighs.

"Are you okay? You seem…I don't know, a little upset about something."

"No, I'm just tired. Ready to up to bed?"

I nod and he clears our dishes, putting them in the dishwasher, then we go upstairs together. He is quiet as we both go about getting ready for bed, and he is standing looking out over the grounds when I come out of the bathroom. I walk over and wrap my arms around him, leaning on his back.

"Are you really okay?"

He turns keeping my arms around him, so I am now leaning on his chest. I tip my head up to look at him and he gives me a kiss. "I'm fine, just…thinking."

"About what?"

"Nothing to worry about, especially tonight." He kisses my neck, light feathery kisses, the ones that drive me crazy. I look over to make sure our door is shut, and then I lead him over to the bed and pull him down onto it with me.

"Make love to me," I whisper softly against his ear.

The next morning comes too early, but the house is still perfectly silent and his breathing is soft and rhythmic. I watch him sleep, thinking about the first night we ever spent together, how I watched him for a moment, just like this, before I left that morning. How I never imagined that single night of passion would completely change my world, that a new life was already starting inside me, even as I stood and mused how deceptively sweet and innocent he looked.

Fate. That is the only way I can explain how he happened to be in the pub that night. That I went home with him, throwing caution to the wind, and ignoring the voice of reason in my head. Fate. Kismet.

The what ifs run through my head at lightening speed. What if I had just gone home. What if I had not allowed him to drink and flirt with me. What if he had not gone out with his friends. What if, what if. Where would I be now if I had made even one different decision that day?

"Why are you staring at me?" His sleepy voice breaks me out of my reverie and I realize his soulful brown eyes are open and observing me with curiosity. He must wonder sometimes what is up with me, as lately he seems to be catching me just sitting and staring at him at the oddest times.

"Sorry." I giggle and give him a good morning kiss. "Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas. What time is it?"

"Early, its only five. I didn't mean to wake you up."

"So _why_ were you staring at me while I was sleeping? Is this something you do often, watch people sleep?"

"No, don't worry, it's not some stalkerish habit, I was thinking."

"About what?"

"Fate, what if's, how the smallest thing can change the course of your life."

"Wow, that's…..pretty philosophical for five in the morning. You know what I'm thinking?

"No, what?"

"That you should stop thinking, and kiss me." He slides a hand into my hair and pull me close, kissing me, gently, tenderly.

I return his kisses and allow him to pull me on top of him.

A couple hours later I wake up again, and stretch luxuriously, feeling relaxed in the afterglow of our early morning love session. I've been waking up in the same bed as John fairly often and we are spending more and more time together. I turn my head and sleepy brown eyes gaze back at me.

"I wish I could wake up like this every morning." I say before our lips meet.

"Mmmmm, I know. You could, if you move in with me." He says softly in my ear and proceeds to kiss my neck.

I'm enjoying the feel of his lips so much I almost don't register what he said. "You want me to move in with you?" I ask quietly against his soft hair, as he's dropping light kisses, working his way downwards.

"Mmmmmhmmmm." His lips are against my collarbone.

I sit up and look at him. "Move into your house with you."

"That's the general idea. We're together most nights now, and bouncing between three places is wearing."

"Won't that confuse Brooklynn?"

His look is quizzical. "More confusing than what? Seeing us together, sometimes at my house, sometimes at your apartment, sometimes at Gamma's, but sometimes not together at all when we stay at our own places? Having her stay in a different bedroom each night depending on what shifts we are working? Don't you think it will be less confusing to have us all living in one house?"

I consider this for a moment. and of course he is right - it would be so much simpler for everyone if we had one place. The big question is, though, are we ready? I have known John for years, but we've only gotten our relationship on track in the past few weeks. It was tumultuous for the first couple months, and though it seems to be going well now, should I give up my own space?

"That's a big step, John, to live together."

"So is having a child, but, hey, we already did that, so this seems like a small thing compared to raising a four year old."

"Always the optimist. Can I...think about it? It's not a bad idea, but are we ready?"

"I think we are, but we won't know for sure unless we try it out. There are lots of reasons why I think it will work and be good for all of us."

"Like?"

"We're spending about 90% of are time together, we stay over at each others places almost all the time. But, we're always thinking about getting our timing right, what house are we at today, where does Louisa have to be, my house or yours. What did Brooklynn forget at one house or the other."

"So logistics are easier, but this is about more than that, John, what if something happens between us. If we have been living in the same house, it will be hard for her to go back to separate homes. It's a big commitment to move in together, are you ready for that?"

"Yes, I'm not scared of commitment Susan, but if you're not ready, or you're not sure, then...that's okay, take whatever time you need. When you're ready, we can talk about it."

I'm not convinced he's as okay with my reluctance to move in as he's pretending to be, but Brooklynn arrives, excited to go downstairs and open Christmas presents. We all get dressed, then go down to the kitchen where I make our daughter hot chocolate with marshmallows, and John makes coffee. Once we're fortified with caffeine we venture into the living room and John plugs in the tree and lights the fireplace.

We spend the next hour opening gifts, and it is great morning. This is the first Christmas John has with his daughter, so I don't which of the two of them is more excited. I love watching the two of them together, and I take quite a few pictures, so I can add them to my photo albums

Brooklynn ends up getting a second set of riding clothes, along with some books on horses, plus a few new books, some art supplies and some toys. John gives me two pairs of beautiful diamond earrings, a necklace with a diamond pendant, all three enclosed in the signature blue Tiffany's boxes. He also bought me a gorgeous pair of real cashmere lined, leather driving gloves, some riding boots and gloves, plus he surprises me with a spa gift certificate and a gift card for the mall so I can buy some new clothes. He has spent quite a lot on me, and I feel a little overwhelmed, and of course sad that I cannot be as generous.

However, he loves the gifts I give him, and I can tell he appreciates the thought I put into them. I made up a photo album for him, pictures of Brooklynn from when she was born up until now, with room to add more photos. I added in the ultrasound pictures and a copy of her birth certificate, and I can tell he gets a bit emotional at seeing them, but recovers quickly before Brooklynn notices. I framed a few pictures of her as well, in a lovely silver frame, and I know just where I will help him hang it when we get back to his house. I also bought him a couple of nice soft sweaters, even though I know he really doesn't need any clothes - what do you buy for the man who can afford anything he wants?

We all go outside and have some fun in the snow building another snowman, and we have a snowball fight. Brooklynn and John go up and take care of the horses, while I make us some brunch, and then we sit by the fire and play some games. It feels just like it should, like being a family. Later in the afternoon we dress up and drive into the care facility to exchange gifts with Jack and Millicent and have some dinner.

I am nervous again, this will be the first time I get to meet John's dad, and I do have to wonder what he things of me. I am not sure how much John told him, but he evidently knows that I did not tell John about Brooklynn until recently, so he must not be too impressed.

Millicent is looking well, but she is not happy about still being stuck in the care home, and makes quite a fuss, until John reassures her that the moment the doctor says it is okay, he will take her back to her home. She does have a lovely room though, and it is full of flowers, huge bouquets and a lot of get well cards. She is pretty excited to see her great granddaughter though, and gives her a nice hug and tells her before she goes home later she has a couple Christmas gifts for her.

"John." Jack Carter gives his son a pretty formal handshake, and shows no signs of any affection.

"Dad, this is Dr. Susan Lewis, and of course Brooklynn."

"Dr. Lewis, nice to finally meet you." He looks me up and down, and I am glad I have taken special care with my appearance today. I am also wearing the diamonds that John bought me for Christmas, which I know Jack notices but makes no comment on.

"Mr. Carter, nice to meet you as well, but please, call me Susan."

"Jack is fine, Susan, you are part of the family." He looks at Brooklynn who is gazing up at him with her soft brown eyes. "And nice to meet you Brooklynn, I am your grandfather, so you can call me grandpa, or grandpa Jack."

She give his a dazzling smile "I have another grandpa too?" And with that she gives him a big hug, which seems to take Jack by surprise, but he hugs her back and I even see a bit of a smile on his face. He pulls out a small wrapped box and hands it to her.

"This is for you. Merry Christmas Brooklynn."

She excitedly tears of the paper and finds a small blue box, with a beautiful emerald pendant, which is her birthstone. Jack carefully fastens it around her neck.

"Thank you grandpa." She gives him another big hug, and I am proud of how well mannered and polite she is being.

I glance at the Tiffany box and then over at John, who just shrugs a bit, with a little smile on his face. "That is very pretty sweetie, make sure you take good care of it."

The rest of us exchange our gifts, which end up being all quite expensive and I am glad I let John help me pick out gifts for them. Jack gives me a beautiful bracelet which matches my new necklace and earrings perfectly. I must look a little confused until Jack looks over at John and says "Stella showed me what you had picked out for Susan, and suggested the bracelet." Stella?

Jack smiles at me "She recognizes us when we go in, and I mentioned I was buying a present for John's girlfriend, so she gave me some tips, since he had just been in a few days before. She pulled up the receipt for me and told me what he bought for you."

"Thank you, its beautiful. I have to admit I was wondering how you managed to match what John bought me so perfectly." John helps me fasten it on my wrist and I admire the sparkle. I am a little overwhelmed by the gift, the bracelet is studded with real diamonds.

John receives some cufflinks and some very expensive monogrammed dress shirts, which he tells me are part of his gift every year.

Part of the gift we give to both Millicent and Jack are framed pictures of Brooklynn, which seems to make them both quite happy. I am pleased that Jack is so warm to his grand daughter, letting her sit on his knee, and chatting to her about what things she likes to do.

Once the gift exchange is done we have a delicious meal served in Millicent's room as she is not yet able to sit if a chair for any length of time. After we finish dinner, Millicent is getting tired, so we say our good nights and she gives Brooklynn a couple of extra gifts to take and open at home.

The biggest surprise of the evening is Jack inviting us for drinks back at his hotel suite. We have brought along a few things for Brooklynn to entertain herself with, so we agree and end up at the Ritz in a suite with a great view of the lake. We sit and visit for a while, Jack inquires about my family, asks some questions about Brooklynn and makes some general conversation. Overall it turns out to be an okay evening, he does not make any embarrassing comments or put me on the spot at least.

John finally suggests it is time to head home as Brooklynn is all but asleep. Jack gives him a very quick hug, that lasts at most about a second, and then John carries Brooklynn down to the car, and we get her settled for the drive back to the house. Both John and I are fairly quiet on the way to the estate, and he takes Brooklynn up and gets her tucked into bed right away when we arrive. I make us some tea, while John runs up to quickly feed the horses, and then we sit in front of the fire with the lights twinkling on the tree.

Finally John speaks "This was a good day, I had a lot of fun. Thank you for the gifts, the album especially. I have been meaning to ask if you had some pictures around of her when she was a baby. We have been so busy with the day to day stuff, I haven't heard as much about when she was born. Maybe sometime you'll tell me."

"You're welcome, John, I tried to pick out the best ones, and I was hoping you would like it." I am resting my head against his chest, his arm is around my shoulders. I reach over to the coffee table and pick up the album and flip it open. We spend the next hour talking about what our daughter was like as a baby and a toddler. I share lots of details with him, about when I was pregnant, the day she was born, trying to make up for all that he missed.

"I have another gift for you, which I hope you like as well. I had a talk with Brooklynn a while back, and it's a little thing...but I changed her name."

He tipped his head down to look at me "Changed her name to what?" He seems a bit confused.

"From Brooklynn Skye Lewis to Brooklynn Skye Carter. I was using Lewis on all her documents, so I have made the necessary changes so she can go by Carter now."

"Really? You changed her last name to Carter?" He sounds surprised, and pretty happy about the change. He wraps me up in a big hug.

"Brooklynn liked the idea of having the same last name as daddy too, I would have called her Carter to start with, but initially I worried that someone would connect her with you, and...well you know the story. Anyway, she is now a Carter."

"She always was a Carter, even if she was going by Lewis. I know it's just a name, but...I like that she has the same last name as I do. So, thank you."

He gives me a long deep kiss, and I know he really does appreciate what I have done with the album and the name change. This has turned out to be one of the best Christmas Days ever.

John banks the fire and turns off the tree lights, and takes my hand as we go upstairs. He lights the fireplace in our bedroom and then takes me in his arms for another long kiss. We take our time, undressing each other in the flickering light of the fire and our lovemaking is passionate, sweet and gentle all at the same time. Afterwards we just lay content in each others arms until we both drift off to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

I roll over in bed as my cell phone trills on the nightstand, then finally stops. It was a very late night, John took me out for New Years and I can hear him groan beside me as my cell phone starts to ring again. I look out of the corner of my eye, and he has his pillow over his head as the cell phone quiets.

"Who is calling so damn early on New Year's day?"

"John, it's 11 am." I say as I squint at the clock.

"That's pretty damn early after being out until 5 am celebrating." We are snug and warm in a luxurious suite at the Plaza in New York. By some miracle, we both have a couple days off over New Year's and John surprised me with an impromptu trip and a fancy New Year's celebration. It has been a long time since I really celebrated New Years, so often I have been working.

"Not to mention, the _aftercelebrations."_ I giggle a bit as I fully open my eyes and look around the room, noting the clothing littering the floor and my bra hanging off the bedside lamp. Well, we did have quite a bit of fun last night, didn't we?

"Exactly." He mumbles from under the pillow, but his hand reaches over and gives mine a gentle squeeze.

My cell phone starts up again. "Just answer it, or turn it off." He moans, and I know how he feels, we both have a bit of a hangover. Neither of us drink often, but last night we both had a bit more than usual, and the party was right in the hotel, so we were able to just stumble back up to the room afterwards. Though I have to say John was much more controlled that I was, he never allows himself to get out of control drunk.

I reach out and fumble around on the night table for my phone, as it quiets then starts ringing again for the fourth time. I know I should probably answer in case it's Louisa – she has Brooklynn while we are out of town.

"Hello." I mumble.

"Susan, about time you answered the phone!" My mother's shrill voice cuts into my ear, and I suppress a groan.

"Mom, what is the emergency?"

John lifts his pillow and looks over at me with bleary eyes "Your mother? Is everything okay?"

"You will not believe the picture in the society section of the Chicago paper this morning!"

"What are you talking about?" I carefully hit the speakerphone button and hold the phone away from me, her shrill voice is not helping my pounding head.

"There is a picture of you…. and John…. on the front page of the society section. All dressed up fancy like."

John rolls his eyes and whispers "Here it comes." He climbs out of bed and I watch his fine firm naked butt stroll off towards the bathroom and a moment later hear the shower come on.

"Did you hear me Susan? You are on the front page!" Oh, I really hope that was the one the photographer took at the beginning of the evening. John had helped me pick out a new dress and he had treated me to a trip to the spa - I got my hair, makeup and nails done, while he went for a massage to help his sore back.

"I heard you mom. So, what's the big deal?"

"The big deal? Let me read this to you." She proceeds to quote. 'Dr. John Truman Carter III and girlfriend Dr. Susan Lewis celebrated New Year's in style at the Plaza Hotel in New York City. Dr. Carter is the grandson of the late John Truman Carter Sr. and Millicent Carter of Chicago, who is _the millionaire philanthropist_ behind the proposed new _Carter Symphony Hall_ which may soon be built in downtown Chicago." I can hear my mother take a deep breath. "Is this true?"

"Well, yeah, we are in New York and went to a New Year's Party at the Plaza."

"Not that part…his grandmother is a millionaire philanthropist? He is one of _those_ Carters?" I look over and see John who is now wrapped in one of the fluffy towels wink at me and pick up the phone. I can hear him ordering coffee and breakfast from room service.

"Mom, calm down – what do you mean by one of _those Carters."_ John drops on the bed beside me and I reach out and run my fingers through his still wet hair, brushing it back from his eyes. He leans over and kisses me as my mom rambles on.

"The ones that have their names all over half the buildings in Chicago – that's what I mean by _those_ Carters. You didn't tell me he was rich, Susan, that he was from one of those society circles. To think we had him over at our tiny little apartment, I served stuffing from a box! And a store bought pie. You could have warned me!"

"Mom, just relax, John isn't like that, he didn't expect caviar and Dom. You don't have to worry, he enjoyed the visit with you and dad. And you don't have to act differently around him than anyone else you have over. I didn't need to warn you, he is just a regular guy." I caress his cheek then whisper "What did you order me?"

"Regular guy? Right Susan, that's why you're at the Plaza in New York." She stops for a minute "Who are you talking to? Is he _there_ with you right now? Did you _sleep_ with him? You sounded like you just woke up."

John is laughing quietly now and I wave him away from the phone.

"He is there!"

"Good morning Cookie." John grins at me as I smack his arm.

"Hi John, you didn't hear all that did you?"

"Nope, didn't hear a thing." He winks at me and then goes to grab some clothes out of his suitcase and proceeds to drop his towel and dress. I sit and watch him, totally enjoying the show, as my mother goes on.

"Do you have me on speaker phone? He did hear all that didn't he? Take me off speaker phone!"

"I told you to relax mom. Okay, fine you're off speaker phone." I hit a button so the phone beeps, but I don't actually take her off speakerphone, I don't care if John hears this, I am going to tell him what she said anyway.

"So did you? Sleep with him?"

"Yes, does that make you happy?" I shrug helplessly at John. "We are seeing each other, we have a daughter, mom, it's not the first time obviously."

"You knew who he was when you got pregnant? That Brooklynn's father was a Carter?""

"Of course I knew who he was, I didn't just pick him up randomly in a bar and sleep with him - I worked with him and I have always known who he is, he has never kept it a secret."

Now I see the eyebrows go up and I know he is thinking about our little flirtation that night at the pub, and how I _did_ kind of pick him up in a bar - though it is also true I already new him, so maybe it doesn't really count?

"What were you thinking?" Cookie hisses "You had an affair with one of the Chicago Carters, got pregnant and just walked away? Brooklynn is…..entitled to something from the Carter family."

"Mom, I am going to hang up if you don't stop. John is helping take care of his daughter now that he knows about her, and that is all that is important. There is no 'entitlement' here mom, just stay out of it."

"Susan, you listen to me, make sure you..." I don't hear the rest as I click off the phone and my cheeks flush as I look at him "Sorry about that, I told you she would get all weird as soon as she knew."

He just gives his head a small shake. "Never mind, I told you I am used to it. She is right though, our daughter has certain entitlements – she is and always will be a Carter."

"I don't look at it that way, though, you have never been 'the millionaire's grandson', to me, you have always just been Carter. You are more than generous to your daughter, and I don't want anything more than for her to have a father that loves her."

"I know that Susan, or I would never have gotten involved with you at any point. I am a pretty good judge of character most of the time. The fact is, your mother doesn't really understand our history, our relationship, or what happened between us 5 years ago, and she doesn't need to - we know and I like that we don't have to share those two weeks with anyone. " He pulls me out of the bed, I drag a sheet along with me, as I realize I am absolutely and totally naked.

John looks down at me with those deep chocolate eyes and his lips descend down on mine, arms sliding around my back. I forget I am holding up the sheet and wrap my arms around his neck, and I feel it slither to the floor and I blush a bit. He gently caresses my naked back and says softly "You need to relax Susan, I thought we already had this conversation. You don't need to hide, you are beautiful and hey, I have already seen it all – more than a few times."

He pulls me against him and is kissing me again when there is a knock at the door. "Okay, now you might want to cover up, that is room service." He gives me another quick kiss and a gentle smack on my bottom, then heads towards the door as I dart into the bathroom and turn on the shower. By the time I come back out in one of the fluffy hotel robes he has breakfast set up on the small table. When he sees me he pours a cup of coffee from the carafe and adds the cream and sugar for me. I give him a quick kiss and sit, he has ordered me breakfast and it is perfect, he knows me so well.

We enjoy our meal and then I dress, and we spend the afternoon out in New York, wandering hand in hand, skating in Central Park, enjoying gourmet hot chocolate in one of the many fancy little cafes. He takes me for a couples massage in the hotel spa, then we dress up again and go for a nice dinner, returning to our suite quite late in the evening. It has been a terrific New Years. The next day we are due at work, so we catch an early flight back to Chicago.

A few days later, John finally takes Millicent home, and finds his mother Eleanor has shown up unannounced. Millicent is not thrilled with the events but Eleanor ends up staying at the house. John warns me that this might mean he will need to be out at the house a bit more too, at least until he has his grandmothers private duty nurses fully organized. Of course, I am used to the fact that we have both been visiting Millicent in the care facility, but now she is home, it will take John a lot more travel time to care for her. This might mean overnight stays at the house.

"Susan, hey, I just got a request from Rosen, he needs the two of us to cover a few shifts over at County. I guess Luka has gone to do some work in Bosnia, and they are really short of staff. Not my choice, but since we both know the lay of land, and some of the staff over there, they have chosen us." John does not look very happy, but sometimes this is how it goes. He might not mind so much usually, but his long work hours, dealing with Millicent, his mother, and trying to spend time with me and Brooklynn is putting a bit of extra stress on him.

"Okay, fine, when do we go?"

"We start tomorrow, so we can both head home early today, and then we start 6am tomorrow – 6-6pm for a few days I guess."

The next morning dawns way to early and John prods me out of his bed. Though I have still not agreed to move in with John, we are spending quite a few nights together at his house, especially when we are on the same shift. He has even had me spend some nights at his house with Brooklynn when he has had to be out at Millicents.

We stroll into the County ER together, and get a lot of warm greetings from the nurses, and a big hello from Jerry at the admit desk.

"Hey, it's Lewis and Carter...how's the family life treating you?" He has a smirk on his face that tells me absolutely everyone knows that Carter and I had an affair 5 years ago...and that we had a baby.

"Great Jerry, did you want to see a picture?" I knew this might happen, so I made sure I had a couple of current photos handy, so I could show the staff our daughter. After all, it may have been against hospital policy at the time it happened, but now we have nothing to hide, and we are both proud of our beautiful little girl.

Several of the nurses gather around as well, and they admire her.

Haleh takes the picture and holds it up, looks over at Carter who is busy with making notes on a chart "Yup, you can definitely tell who this little girls daddy is, look at those eyes. She's gorgeous Susan."

Mark strolls up and looks over Haleh's shoulder. "You really should bring her in one day, I would love to meet her."

"Mark, good to see you." I give him a quick hug, and I notice that John is watching us, but he doesn't say too much. Mark walks by and says hi to him and Carter responds, but there seems to be a bit of tension there.

Kerry arrives at the desk next. "Why is everyone standing around, doesn't anyone have any work to do? Hi Dr. Lewis, Carter, nice to have you back for a while. Who's this?" She takes the picture from Haleh. "No, wait, don't tell me." She looks at the picture, then at Carter. "Beautiful little girl, John." She gives his a pat on his arm and walks off. Kerry seems to have a bit of a soft spot for Carter, but I notice that she doesn't say anything to me about our daughter.

The first day goes well, we settle back in and everyone is just as friendly and supportive as they used to be. I get to meet some of the newer staff, and finally get to talk to Chen and Abby. I notice that John is a bit flirty with both of them, but I don't worry about it too much, after all, he is clearly with me. He is his usual affectionate self and gives me a nice kiss and snuggle when we have a few private moments in the lounge.

The next day arrives to early again, but the morning goes quickly as we are busy with multiple MVA's. I have asked Louisa to bring Brooklynn by at lunch time so John and I can spend a few minutes with her. When she arrives, the only thing I hear is "Daddy!" as our daughter launches herself right past me at John. Well, I guess I know where I stand. I can't help but laugh and I see Chuney has a huge grin on her face as she watches this.

"Typical, the ladies love Carter don't they, even the little ones?" She giggles and walks away.

Carter picks her up and gives her a big hug "Say hi to mommy."

"Hi mommy." She chirps from her perch in her daddy's arms. The two of them attract a bit of attention from the nurses, and Mark comes by to say hi to her before we take a quick lunch break.

Later Mark stops to chat with me over some x-rays "Well, Carter seems to be doing just fine in his new role."

"Hmmmmmm?" I am concentrating on the x-rays.

"You know, Brooklynn seems pretty attached to him already."

"Oh, she is. He had her won over in like less than 10 minutes, I swear. She had no idea who he was...but he had figured it out before I even confirmed it for him. He turned on the Carter charm and she was a goner."

"Really? I think maybe I have to get him to teach me that trick." He looks at me as I cross my arms and glare. "What?"

"Aren't you married Mark?"

"Yeah...I meant...well Rachel is a bit of a handful, so it would be nice if she reacted to me like Brooklynn does to Carter, that's all. I miss those days so much, when she was little and so much easier to deal with."

"Right...of course." I give him a playful shove.

"Anyway, maybe you need to get a little more flirty with your man there, Abby seems to be...a little extra friendly today."

I snap my head towards Mark "What?"

Mark laughs "That sure got your attention. Seriously, Carter is being his usual self, but Abby seems to be...pretty interested in him. They were pretty close and flirted quite openly before he went to Northwestern. There was a bit of a pool - Chuney of course - to see how long before they were an item. Then you came back and took him away from her."

"So you think Carter is interested in her?"

"He _was_ before you showed up, and they still spend quite a bit of time together, but I don't think Carter is interested like _that_ now he is with you, but she sure is. I would keep an eye on her."

"Are you saying you think Carter would cheat on me, Mark?"

"No, no, I'm not saying that he has done anything or that he will...but there were rumours that...well he had a thing with a med student while he was dating someone else. I don't know if it's true or not, but...if he's done it once..."

"When was this?"

"About 3 years ago...it's a Chuney rumour, so if you are concerned, ask Carter directly, but please don't say you heard it from me, he will be pissed."

"Who was the med student? Not...Abby, right? She was a med student or so I heard."

"No, not Abby, the med student...isn't here anymore." There was an odd tone in Mark's voice.

"Not here? Where did she go - did she transfer out because of Carter?"

"No...she...died, Susan."

I frown and it hits me "Lucy."

"You know about Lucy?"

"Not a lot, just that Carter was her supervisor for her ER rotation, and she was the med student that was stabbed by the same patient."

"Yeah, those two had a really...strange relationship. Hot and cold, there were times they were like best friends, and times where they acted like they couldn't stand each other, they bickered like an old married couple some days. Drove me crazy, really. Chuney had a pool on them too. Anyway Carter was dating this hot blond..." He looks at me. "Sorry, but she _was_ actually pretty hot, Jerry almost cried when they broke up and she stopped coming into the ER."

"Yeah I get it, Carter dates very attractive women, they swoon at his feet."

"Swoon? Uh, okay." Mark smirks. "Yeah, he does seem to date some lookers, and that includes you, Susan, he obviously finds you very attractive, and with good reason."

I blush at this, I know Mark felt that way at one point too. "Thanks, I don't know if I compare to some of his previous girlfriends, but anyhow continue."

"Well apparently Chuney caught Carter and Lucy in a bit of a compromising situation in Exam 6, and he was dating the hot blond at the time."

"Really? Carter cheated on the hot blond?"

"To be fair, I don't know all the details, I didn't ask him, and they broke up not to long after the supposed infidelity. The point is I guess, I don't think he had strong feeling for the girlfriend, like he seems to have for you, but he still may have cheated."

I massage my temples as I feel a headache coming on. _Carter cheated on a girlfriend - a hot girlfriend._ "I did not need to hear this Mark, if she was so hot, and he still cheated on her, what chance do I have."

"If Carter were to cheat on you, he would be an idiot. You are very bit as beautiful as that girlfriend, and you two have known each other far longer and have way more history and I would guess feelings for each other than he did with her, or with Lucy. Just...talk to Carter about how he is with Abby if you get concerned, and be aware they have...a history."

"So he slept with Abby at some point."

"I don't know that, but Rena broke up with him when he went with Abby to get her mom in Oklahoma, and Luka threw a fit then he and Abby broke up not long afterwards too."

"So you think he cheated twice then."

Mark shrugs. "I don't know Susan, but it looks a little suspicious, and I don't want Carter to hurt you."

I feel a tear run down my cheek and I swipe it away quickly "Too late Mark, I'm in love with him, and if he does that to me, I don't know what I will do. It's not like I can even cut him out of my life, he's Brooklynn's father. And I work with him every day."

Mark gives me a big hug, then a kiss on the forehead and I lean on Mark's shoulder. I look up at see Carter at the end of the hall - his eyes narrow as they run across what must look like a pretty intimate scene and something flashes across his face before he turns and walks away.

"Oh shit." I pull away from Mark quickly.

"What?"

"Carter, he just saw us hugging like this, talk about giving the wrong impression. I need to talk to him." I wipe my face again and start towards admit, but I am pulled in to take care of a patient, and the rest of the day just goes downhill from there.

I enter curtain area 3 just as Malik and one of the other nurses I don't know are putting my patient into soft restraints. The guy is clearly upset, trying to fight off the restraints, but Abby is insistent that they be put on. I try to intervene but the patient is getting more agitated so I let them restrain him.

"I told them not to bring me to this hospital, get me out of this room, I want to be transferred."

I take a quick look at his chart and see he fell and hit his head "No, Mr…Sobricki, we need to do a CT scan first, I can't transport you with a possible head injury. Can we take these off please?" The patient is calming down.

Malik looks at me then at Abby who says immediately "No, he needs to have those, Dr. Lewis, I need to speak with you right away."

I am trying to order labs, but Abby keeps at me until I finally ask her to step out into the hall. "What is going on, Abby."

"That's him, the one who stabbed Carter, and killed the med student." She hisses "We have to get him out of that bed – it's the exact same room and bed."

"What? He stabbed Carter?" Malik comes out and hands me card.

"Dr. Lewis, this is his psychiatrist, do you want me to call?"

"No I'll call."

"Dr. Lewis, we have to get him moved to another hospital, that is what he wants, and he can't be here with Carter working."

"Not with a head injury, he needs a CT."

"Okay, but move him to sutures, and get his name off the board, don't let Carter see him."

"Fine. Let's send him up to CT and move him to the suture room – Malik stay with him, Abby go take his name off and just put his initials up for the suture room."

We start to move Sobricki, and Abby tries to sidetrack Carter so he won't see the patient. We are just wheeling Sobricki out of Curtain 3 and he is talking about how he is better now, when I see Carter talking to Abby with his back turned, with Abby trying to stay calm and distract him.

I see the reaction in Carter, when he hears Sobricki talking. His back stiffens and he becomes incredibly tense as Sobricki continues to chatter non stop, and then Carter turns, and I do not like the look on his face.

Both Sobricki and Carter are frozen, staring at each other, Carters face becomes incredibly pale.

"Oh, it's you." Sobricki finally breaks the silence clearly recognizing Carter. Sobricki starts to babble, going on about how it's the disease, he's sorry, he's better, and how he's out, with his wife who is holding their baby adding comments here and there.

Carter simply says "I'm glad you're better." Then turns and disappears quickly down the hallway. In fact he disappears totally from the hospital, and Abby informs me that he signed out and went home.

I try his cell phone several times and just get voice mail, and I phone home and ask Louisa if she has seen him, she says no he has not been back. After my shift I go to his house and wait, taking care of our daughter, and periodically phoning his cell. He finally calls me hours later, when I am totally sick with worry, and lets me know he is out at Millicent's and is staying the night there. It is late and he says he is tired, he's okay, but he just had a fight with his mother, and he needs to sleep, he will see me in the morning at work.

He is a little distracted and distant the next day, but I understand, his mother is driving him crazy and he seeing Sobricki was a bit of a shock to him. I also still don't know what he thought when he saw me with Mark, I am kind of hoping that he has forgotten. I finally get him to go for coffee with me on the roof.

"Sorry Susan, yesterday was just really tough, and I needed some quiet time."

"I understand, sorry, I didn't know who the guy was, I guess he tried to go to a different hospital, but they insisted on bringing him to County."

"Don't worry, I know it wasn't your fault. I can't say it wasn't tough though, I recognized his voice right away, and I could see from Abby's face she knew he was there, in the hospital. Then on top of all that, my mother sent the private duty nurse home, so I didn't want to leave until she came back. My mother made some great comments about how she was going to stay, that dad is not going to break up our family. I wasn't aware we had much of a family, since she is never around, but apparently we do. This morning, she was surprised that I drank coffee –told me I didn't like coffee – I have lived on the stuff since I was about 16 years old – yet I hate it?"

The day just kept getting better from there – I finally got to meet Eleanor Carter when she brought in a young boy named Mickey. She had been filling in for Millicent at a charity event and the little boy who was a foster child was feeling ill. Eleanor was pretty cold and demanding, and barely acknowledged me, even though I am the mother of her grandchild. Carter gets the boy into a bed, then orders labs while his mother stands there voicing unhelpful suggestions.

Abby walked up to Carter as he's updating the board and I'm filling in a chart "I saw your mother, Carter – she seemed – nicer this time."

"Yeah, right." Carter grabbed a chart and walked away. Well at least he doesn't have time to get overly friendly with Abby today.

"You met Eleanor before?" I am curious, this is the first time I have ever met her, but apparently Abby ran into her at some point.

"I went to the house when they were holding his grandfather's funeral, that woman is some piece of work. She is cold as ice I tell you."

"Ahhhh, right." That makes sense, I think it was the last time Eleanor was in town, and it was just before I came back to Chicago.

Eleanor nagged Carter all day, even stealing the little boys chart and making Carter review it for her, then berating him as to why he wasn't doing more. He was managing a pretty large case load and trying to keep her off his back. He told me later that day the boy had AML, and it was kind of like revisiting his brother dying. He didn't say much more to me, he looked tired and I knew something was bothering him.

Over the next few days, Eleanor continued to show up and hang around, getting in the way, and demanding her son's attention. It was almost more than Carter could deal with – his mother's constant nagging, a full workload of patients, his grandmother being home and needy, trying to spend time with the now whining Brooklynn who was used to so much more of daddy's attention, and dealing with the little boy Mickey dying of Leukemia - he got sucked into the vortex. It was starting to show on him, too, his patience level was way down which was getting Weaver on his case at work. He tried to come and see Brooklynn as much as he could, but his time with her was being cut short, and he was incredibly stressed out. Now that he had been dragged into the mess with Mickey, he felt he couldn't let the little boy down, the kid was for sure dying and for him it was déjà vu.

It didn't help when Eleanor decided to bolt and leave Carter to deal with things – which up his frustration level even further. She dragged Carter in, then ran away, but somehow Carter got to her, and made her stay, at least long enough for the treatment. I did not get all the details, but Carter and his mother apparently did quite a bit of fighting during time she was in town, and part of the issue she was now trying to drag him into the middle of the divorce.

This whole thing went on for almost a month, and my relationship with John was starting to suffer, we didn't have much time together. To make it ever worse, I was still stuck at County, but they pulled John back to Northwestern as there was a whole new rotation of med students coming through, and as Chief Resident they required him to be there. We were kind of like ships passing in the night. I was staying at John's house most of the time, just so we could see each other when he finally was able to get home, though when he was making it home, it was pretty late at night. This led to a few arguments between us, and things were getting a little tense.

I finally had pretty much had enough, though, and one night John and I had a real fight, the first one we'd had since our differences when he found out about Brooklynn. I look back on it and I wish I had done things differently, he was showing signs of cracking under the pressure, but I didn't think much of it at the time. I was at his house, getting more and more impatient, he had promised to be home early so he could spend some time with us, but he didn't show up. Brooklynn was whining and crying because she had barely seen John in the past few days, and I finally got her to bed.

Finally I heard the door, and John dropping his keys on the tray kept on the hall table.

I stood with my arms crossed as he came into the kitchen "About time you showed up, so much for early."

"Sorry, it was a tough day."

"That's your usual excuse these days, you know your daughter was in tears because she didn't get to see you?"

"I'll go up now and see her, I have missed her too."

"Don't bother, I finally got her to sleep and you better not wake her up." My voice I know is bitter.

"Fine, I'll make sure I am here on time tomorrow and I'll take her out." He sighs and rubs his hands across his face. "I'm exhausted, I'm going to bed."

"Don't make promises you can't keep John, you have had time for everyone but us." My voice has risen, man, I think I am starting to sound like my mother.

His voice has an edge as he speaks. "Like this has been a fun month for me, dragged back to County, I had to see Sobricki, deal with my mother, try and get things settled for Gamma, and work extra shifts."

"You had time for Abby. You always have time for Abby."

"What are you talking about? I haven't really seen her either, except for at work. I'm sorry, I am doing the best I can right now, it will get better."

"Will it? After what I heard, should I trust you around Abby?"

He leans against the counter and sighs looking at the floor. "You don't trust me?"

"Should I? Seems like you have a bit of a history, cheating on girlfriends, you know, with Lucy, with Abby."

He lifts his head and stares at me. " _What_? Who told you that?"

"Doesn't matter, John, all that matters is whether or not its true."

"Can we just _not_ do this right now? I'm exhausted and not in the mood to deal with the rumour crap that rolls around at County."

"So your not denying it then. If it weren't true you can just say, no I didn't cheat on any of my girlfriends."

"Okay then, I didn't cheat on my girlfriends. Not sure how Abby and Lucy are in this mix, aside from people listening to that damn Chuney, who needs to stop spreading rumours and mind her own business. Anyway, kind of rich coming from the girlfriend who was cuddling up to the guy who was in love with her not too long ago."

"There is nothing going on with Mark."

"You were quick to put a name to that, didn't look like nothing to me. I'm going to bed." He turned to walk away, and my temper got the better of me, the glass in my hand was suddenly flying across the kitchen, smashing against the wall, narrowly missing Carter's head. He froze in his tracks, then turned slowly "What the hell was that?" His voice was dead calm, but angry, I could see it in his eyes.

"You don't walk away from me, John, you're the one who has been absent from this relationship for the last month." I am yelling at him now.

"I don't? Well watch me, I've had enough of this shit from everyone else, I don't need it from you too. I came home, just needing to be...never mind." With that he walks away, picking his coat up and I hear his keys jingle and the door slam as he walks out, leaving me crying in the kitchen.


	12. Chapter 12

I spent a sleepless night, alone in John's bed. He didn't come home, but I wasn't too worried, he had more than one place to stay. The next day at work I was on edge and everyone tried to stay away from me. I noticed several missed calls from John's number but I ignored them – I was angry about the night before.

He left one saying he'd be at Millicent's if I wanted to talk. When I finally got off work, I checked my phone again, and I saw that there had been several more missed calls. _John's cell phone._ And some calls from a couple other numbers I don't recognize. I check the messages

"Susan, call me back, I need to talk to you."

_John. Yeah, whatever, now you want to talk, last night you walked out on me._

"Susan this is Jing-Mei, do you know where John is? He left me a message on my cell phone, but it was in my locker, and now he is not answering his phone…but it sounds like there is something wrong, so let me know if you hear from him. I'm….a worried about him, he's had a rough month and….please just call me."

"Hi this is Abby, I hope I have the right number, Susan call me back please, John tried to call me several times but I can't get him to answer his phone. I called his place but the nanny said he's not there and he's not at work. I'm…worried about him, Susan, he doesn't sound….like himself. Please call me if you hear from him."

I get a vague feeling of unease, I know something's wrong if both Abby and Jing-Mei are concerned. For all I'm angry with him, I love the guy and I don't know anything Mark said is true. I let myself get hooked into the rumour mill, and John has obviously had a trying month with everything that's happened. I dial his phone and there's no answer, but I know he was going out to the house, so I jump into the car and call the nanny as I drive, ask if she can continue to stay with Brooklynn.

"Thanks Louisa," I say as I sign off.

I leave messages for Abby and Jing-Mei next, letting them know I'm going out to the house, that I think John is there, and I will call them later.

I arrive at the house and the main floor is pretty quiet, I know Eleanor scares the staff, so they tend to scatter and make themselves scarce. With Millicent bedridden, and only up for short periods, they aren't needed every moment. Carter wasn't kidding when he told me I'd be grateful for Cookie once I met his mother – she's probably one of the coldest women I've ever met.

I check upstairs and he's nowhere to be found in the house, but I know he's here somewhere, his Jeep is out front. It's chilly outside tonight, but I figure I check and see if he's on the grounds, so I step onto the patio. A small red point of light appears, then disappears, and I watch as it happens again within a minute. I walk towards the gazebo. John's sitting on one of the deck chairs – _smoking?_ Carter doesn't smoke….what's going on here? A waft of smoke reaches me, not my favourite smell, it reminds me of Chloe staying at my apartment. He doesn't seem to know I'm here, he's sitting on the edge of the chair with his hands in his hair, the cigarette loosely held in his fingertips. His body language and posture tell me something's bothering him.

I stand over him, and I think he's aware of my presence. I reach out and gently take the cigarette from his fingers and drop it on the flagstone, crushing it under my foot.

"What do you want, Susan." So, he knows I'm here, but he doesn't even twitch, his voice is muffled.

"To talk to you. You weren't answering your phone."

"Right."

I barely hear his response, and he doesn't look at me, so I reach down and take his face in my hands, tipping his head up. He looks like hell, his eyes red rimmed, bloodshot and tired and he has a lost, vacant expression.

"What's wrong, John?"

I'm concerned now, he doesn't look well. He reaches a hand up and puts it over mine, it's ice cold. He drops his hand, then shakes his head and looks away, like he can't meet my eyes. I smell the alcohol on his breath, I notice an empty bottle by his feet.

I step towards him, wrapping one of my hands around the back of his neck, my fingers slightly splayed in the back of his hair and pull him towards me so his forehead rests on my midriff as I put my other arm around his shoulders. His arms go around me, inside my open coat, and I jump, he's _so_ cold, and only wearing a thin sweatshirt. He doesn't seem to notice he's freezing, the alcohol is affecting him. I don't move, I keep him against me and hope he warms up a bit.

I take a deep breathe, I want to open a conversation as he hasn't answered my question.

"Since when do you smoke?"

He exhales softly. "A bad habit I picked up a couple years ago, to calm the nerves, try and sleep."

His speech is slurred, he's definitely drunk.

"I've never seen you smoke."

"I quit right after I got back from Atlanta."

Ahhh, a rehab kind of thing. I remember Chloe smoking a lot to…control her urge to use. She was always fighting the impulse to get high. Shit, is he high or just drunk?

"So, what's going on."

I keep my voice soft and even, and gently rub his back. He gets defensive quickly if he feels judged – which is why the intervention went so badly wrong – in his own words they ambushed him instead of having one person sit down with him. It proved to be a huge mistake, they almost lost him, I'm not going to make the same error.

 "Mickey died, my mom and I had another fight, she packed up and left, I haven't slept in days, the usual." The shake in his voice at the end gives him away, the events of the last month have made him crack.

I rub his shoulders and drop a kiss on his hair.

"I'm sorry. And I'm sorry about last night."

He continues, almost like he didn't hear what I said.

"I'm sitting here trying….to decide whether the Xanax or the Valium is the better option with the bottle of scotch."

I freeze, totally locked in place, until I can get myself to take a breath.

"And what did you decide." My heart thumps, please, _please_ don't be using drugs.

"Nothing, trying to convince myself it would be totally stupid to take either."

"So do you….actually have either of these things on you?"

Where the hell would he get the stuff, unless Millicent had some?

He digs around in his pocket and silently holds up two pill bottles, his one arm that's around me tightens. He still doesn't look up at me. Shit, he did have them. I take them from his hand and put them into my coat pocket, I'll check the labels later.

"Did you take any?" I rub the back of his neck as I ask this.

"No, I promise, I didn't." He whispers this so softly I have to lean down to catch the words.

Thank goodness for small miracles, he's at least making some sound decisions. He didn't drive and he didn't actually take anything aside from letting himself get drunk.

"What happened? Can we talk about it?"

"No, not yet. I'm sorry."

I pull him closer, and sink down so I straddle his knees, which allows me to pull him in tighter to me, his head now resting on my shoulder. We sit there for quite a while, until I realize I can hardly feel my fingers.

I stand up, and take his hands, pulling gently so he gets to his feet.

"It's freezing out here, we should go inside." He nods and lets me lead him back to the house, and we step inside, a blast of warmth hitting us. I shiver and he puts his arm around me, which doesn't help, he's colder than I am.

"Sorry, you're frozen."

"You are too, let's go upstairs." I take his hand, and we tread up the stairs, into our bedroom. I push the door shut, and John goes over to the fireplace and tries to light the fire, without much success. His hands are shaking too hard, so I take the match and get it lit.

"You should go have a bath or a shower, you're still freezing." I shrug off my coat and hang it on the back of one of the chairs.

"Not right now." He flops on the bed, fully clothed, I realize he's far drunker than I thought.

I step over and gaze down at him, his eyes are closed, his face white as a sheet. The scarier part is he not even shivering, despite how long he must have been outside with no jacket. I take the extra blanket off the end of the bed and throw it over him, making sure he is fully covered, then I go to his dresser to get him some fresh clothes. I make him sit up, which is easier said than done at this point, and pull off his sweatshirt and t-shirt, then help him put on the clean shirt. I help him take off his pants and socks and get him in between the sheets, I make sure he is tucked under the fluffy comforter and he closes his eyes again. I throw the extra blanket from the end of the bed over him for good measure, he is starting to shiver now, which is a good sign. Being intoxicated, he didn't realize how cold he had gotten, and I'm glad I came out to the house to check on him.

I grab one of his larger t shirts and go into the bathroom, taking my phone with me. I dial Jing-Mei first and leave her a quick message that John is fine, not to worry.

I call Abby next, and she picks up right away

"Hello?"

"Abby? It's Susan, John is with me and he is fine, don't worry."

"Can I talk to him?"

"He's sleeping, I'll have him call you tomorrow."

"Susan, did he…never mind, I'll talk to him tomorrow."

"Did he what?" I have a feeling she knows why he was calling, but I don't want to assume. He never has told me what goes on with him and Abby.

There is a silence then she speaks hesitantly.

"Sorry I shouldn't be talking to you about this…but did he…go off the rails?"

I know she knows, she did work at the hospital when he went to Atlanta "Maybe a little, too much to drink, but nothing else." I hesitate. "I know about Atlanta, Abby, he told me."

I hear a sigh that I think is relief.

"Oh, good, I was worried you didn't know, and I would be… breaking a confidence. He didn't _use_ anything else?"

"No, he's okay, Abby, and I will be with him all night, I don't work for the next few days, and I'll call him in sick if I need to."

"Good, I won't worry then. Have him call me tomorrow when he can. Thanks."

I turn off my phone and have a very quick shower to warm up and put on John's t-shirt. I go back out in the bedroom and quickly check on John, he seems to be a bit warmer and his breathing seems okay.

I decide I should take a look at the pill bottles, I take them out of my coat and check the name. _Eleanor Carter_. I look over at John who appears to be passed out in the bed, and close my eyes for a second. Stealing drug from his mother? Or did she leave them somewhere when she picked up and left? Xanax and Valium, why does she have these, pretty heavy duty drugs. I look at the labels to find out how many were prescribed then tip out the tablets in my hand and count how many are left. Not too many, but impossible to tell who took them, I am going to have to trust him when he says he didn't ingest any. After all, he didn't have to tell me he had them, or was thinking about taking them, but he did.

I put the tablets back in their bottles, then drop them into my coat pocket, I will get rid of them tomorrow. I slide between the sheets and move close, putting an arm around him, and then I know he is not passed out, because he cuddles closer to me. I can smell the alcohol on his breath and the acrid tang of cigarette clinging to his hair, but I hug him tighter, I think that is what he needs right now, for me to just be here. He still feels a little cold, but he is considerably warmer than he was – I wonder how long he was out there.

"Please don't leave me." He whispers.

"I won't, just get some sleep." I murmur back against his hair. That is the extent of our exchange, and after a while, his breathing becomes even and regular and I know he is finally asleep. I lay awake for a while, thinking about what has gone on in the last month, and I know the combination of events has put him over the edge. I wish I had not been so hard on him, so confrontational last night, but the stress and frustration got to me.

A while later I wake up and put my arm out, the bed beside me is empty, though still warm. I am not sure what woke me up, until I hear sounds in the bathroom and the toilet flushing. I wait for a minute, but he does not come back to bed so I decide I'd better go check on him. He is sitting on the floor, wearing just his boxers and the t-shirt, with his back up against the Jacuzzi tub, his head tipped back and eyes closed, looking very pale and shaking slightly.

"Are you okay?"

He opens one eye just a crack. "Not really." His voice is low, and unsteady.

I get a warm washcloth and wipe his face, noticing that his hair is damp and his shirt sweaty. I am not sure if this is the effect of the alcohol, or if there ended up being too many blankets, but it is making him cold. I get him a glass of water and he rinses out his mouth, then drinks a bit. "Sorry." He says this quietly with his eyes closed, head tipped back.

I brush my hand gently across the top of his hair.

"Are you done? If so we should get you back in bed, you're freezing cold."

"I think I need another minute, not sure yet."

I get him a fresh shirt, and one of the extra blankets and take them into the bathroom, helping him change again, and then covering him with the blanket. I sink down beside him and let him lean his head on my shoulder.

After a few minutes he finally says "I think I'm okay." He gets very slowly to his feet and I get him back into bed. I slide in beside him, and push a stray lock of hair off his face.

"Sorry, you didn't sign up for this." He mumbles.

"Shhh, don't worry about it right now, just rest and we will talk about it later." I put my arms around him and he drifts off to sleep again.

It seems like only minutes later and I wake with a start, Carter is sitting up, and he has his head in his hands. His breathing is irregular, he is almost gasping for air, and I reach out to him, he jumps slightly at my touch.

"John." I say this quietly as I kneel beside him on the bed and carefully wrap my arms around him, this seems to help. "Are you okay?" I whisper into his hair.

"Yeah, just….a bad dream." His breathing is becoming more regular and I rub his back. I pull him back down in the bed, keeping my arms around him. "Sorry for waking you up. You don't need to work tomorrow, do you?"

"No, do you?"

"No, thankfully."

"Do you want to tell me about the dream?"

"More of a nightmare really – I used to have them right after….the stabbing." I can feel the tension in his body, and rub his back a bit until I feel him relax slightly. I remain quiet to see if he will talk more. "I can still see her face, the look in her eyes, the blood, hear his voice in my head – I have been having them again, almost every night since he showed up at the hospital. I knew his voice as soon as I heard him talking, I was scared to turn around, scared that it was in my head, but even more scared that he was really there."

"So you haven't been sleeping."

He is quiet for a moment and then simply says "No."

"Have you talked to anyone about the nightmares?"

"No, I just...have been trying to get through the day, that's all I have been able to manage for the last month."

"You should talk to someone, and see if you can get some sleep."

"I've been trying to sleep, I thought getting good and drunk I might just pass out, at least I would be unconscious, and maybe I wouldn't dream, but that didn't work either."

"You still look like hell and it's 3am."

"Thanks for that, but I kind of feel like hell too, I am going to have a nasty hangover and I think I'm still a little drunk. But I don't think I can sleep right now, I might in a bit."

"Last night..." My voice trails off, I don't know quite what to say.

Carter stays quiet for a moment, then he sighs. "Yeah, last night...was not good, was it."

"That's an understatement - and I'm sorry, I should have realized that you didn't just stay away because you wanted to, that there must have been a reason you were late. And I'm sorry I picked a fight with you, you tried to tell me...something and I wasn't listening to you. What were you going to say?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, I just needed to come home and be with my family, and...we ended up yelling at each other, I couldn't deal with it. I haven't slept in days, my mother has been driving me insane, I had to watch a little boy die of Leukemia, and...this month has just been bad from start to finish. I'm sorry for walking away, but I - couldn't even think, I was just so tired."

"No, I'm sorry, you came home and I just lost it, it has been frustrating and Brooklynn has just been so..."

He puts his arm around me, and I rest my head on his chest. "I know, she doesn't understand, but maybe we can go home in the morning and spend some time with her? Hopefully things should calm down a bit now. Sorry for my little mental breakdown tonight - I don't know why I let my mother do that to me."

"I know she was driving you crazy, you put up with a lot from her, she doesn't...give a lot back, does she?"

"Nothing positive, that's true. If you want criticism or disappointment, she's the one to go to. I've always tried to leave the door open for her, you know, she is my mother after all. But, I don't think I can do it anymore, I'm...just done with her."

"It is always hard with family, to close the door, I understand that. Look what I went through with Chloe, she would show up, beg money off me, then disappear for months. When she was around the one time, she stole a bunch of my things and sold them for drug money. She wrecked things, didn't clean up after herself, and then abandoned her baby, the day of Carol's wedding. But, I still took her back every time. Don't even get me started on _my_ mother."

"I guess that's the thing, I think this time, I'm finished, I just can't take it anymore. This whole visit, interfering in Gamma's health care, then we have a big fight and I let out a lot of what I feel, and she just….goes to bed, she has absolutely nothing to say to me. Then she shows up with a very sick little boy and I have to go through that all mess, and she bolts, leaving me to deal with it. Worst of all, it was what Bobby went through, dying of AML, like I needed to relive that again, after 20 years."

I don't want to interrupt, we are getting to the issues so I just nod.

"We finally have what I think is maybe a breakthrough moment, but nope, she manages to go back and see that poor little boy for just long enough for one more treatment, then she's gone, after a nice blowout with me. She has always hated me being a doctor, until now when she can drag me into this little boys last few days. You know, she doesn't even care she has a grand child, she just lectured me on how I should have been more careful."

"I'm sorry John, that she involved you with Mickey, and I'm really sorry she hasn't taken any interest in Brooklynn."

"Well, typical for her. I don't know what I expected, she never had time for me either. And just as typical, she puts everything on someone else, I was never doing enough for Mickey, yet she just picked up and left when it got tough, and it was okay. Then he died and she ran away, which is kind of like déjà vu, right after Bobby died, that's what I saw, the door shutting as she got out of town as fast as poss. She hardly had time for me after that, like I was just a reminder of the son she'd lost. Not to mention the fact, the only reason she even showed up for this visit was because she thought dad was still here, all she wanted from me was to get to him. The whole visit was about what she needed."

"You were about 10 when your brother died?"

"That's right, he was 12 when he died, so about the same age as Mickey. It was hard to watch her with Mickey, and sometimes I felt…..selfish really, he was a little boy, but….why couldn't she have the same care with her own son?"

"You mean when you were stabbed?"

"I meant when Bobby was in the hospital, dying, she was nowhere to be found. I was at school, and she was…I don't know where, avoiding taking care of her child, and he died without his mother. I knew he died, I was on my way home from school, and I just suddenly knew, my brother was gone. I was happy for Mickey that he had someone with him, but selfishly jealous that she never did that for her own kids. Whenever I needed her, she was somewhere else, usually on some other continent, and it was too inconvenient for her to come back. With Bobby, she was just absent from the hospital, you know, doing the whole concerned mother thing, getting sympathy from everyone for what? Being the mother of a sick little boy? Certainly not for the time she was spending with him before he died."

I am speechless, really. I had no idea how deep the emotional scars ran until now. The drug addiction made even more sense now, his parents didn't even bother coming back for 3 weeks, they were rarely around, he lost his brother and his parents abandoned him. Thank goodness for Millicent and his grandfather, who know what would have happened to him if they had not been there for him. The closer relationship to his grandmother made even more sense to me now. As did how he reacted to me not telling him about his daughter, the thought that she might have ever felt abandoned by him was probably not something he could deal with, given his parents had essentially done that to him.

I hug him tight. "I had no idea it was like that for you and your brother. I thought my parents were bad, I guess I get what you mean about money not being everything."

"I'm not saying that other people don't have crappy lives too, look what you went through with Chloe, losing Susie, that is all hard to go through. We see bad things happen to people everyday in the ER. I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I had my little pity party tonight, now I can move on. Though I am happy you showed up when you did, addiction is a tough thing to beat and I almost lost that battle, because I let myself get drunk."

"How did you get hold of those pills by the way?"

"Oh. my mother left them conveniently on the bar when she left - she did a little Xanax alcohol mix of her own a few days ago. So I started drinking, and went to get another bottle and there they were. I didn't think, I just put them in my pocket and then I couldn't get my mind off them. Even though I know mixing them with Scotch is not really a good idea, I still wanted to take them."

"Abby and Jing-Mei were worried about you, so I left them both messages. What happened to your phone?"

"Maybe it's on the bar, or out of batteries, I'll look for it later. I knew I needed to talk to someone so I wouldn't do something stupid, like you know, drink a whole bottle of scotch, so tried to call. I would have come back into to town but I already started drinking, and I knew I couldn't drive."

"Don't you have a sponsor too?"

He gave me a little sideways look "Yes, and I called them. But I couldn't get hold of them."

"Why the look...who is your sponsor."

"I can't tell you that, Susan, its...anonymous right? We don't talk about who is at meetings, or who our sponsor is, I called my support system when I felt I was getting into trouble. It's all you can do."

"You need to talk to someone about what happened."

"I though I just did."

"You know what I mean, I'm not an expert on addiction, John."

"Close enough though, dealing with your sister, and now having to deal with me. Don't worry, okay, I will talk to someone and make sure I am sleeping. Which I think I would like to try to do now, maybe I'll be able to sleep now I'm not worried about us...we are okay, right?"

"We're okay, get some sleep." I relax in his arms, and eventually drift off to sleep. I know there are still some issues I need to get to the bottom of - the conversation with Mark is still bothering me a bit and I know I am trying to hold myself back a bit now. This really has been a rough month, I know relationships take work, but my trust is shaken slightly, sometimes the County rumours are true.


	13. Chapter 13

I unlock the front door and walk into John's house. He is not far behind me, he had to drive his Jeep back into town. We have decided to surprise Brooklynn this morning, take her out for breakfast and then spend the whole day doing fun family things. John woke up with a bit of a headache, but otherwise he seemed okay, after finally getting more than a couple hours sleep. He is trying to be his normal affectionate self, but I feel a little reserved still after everything Mark told me and John is noticing.

Brooklynn is beside herself with excitement as she has her daddy again. We let her pick activities so we play mini golf, go for lunch at a pizza place and then we take her to a movie. By dinnertime she is happy but exhausted, so we have a quiet dinner at home and then play a couple games. John promises to take her out to the house to go riding the next day, and they will have a visit with Gamma, while I have to go in to work.

We get her ready for bed, then I collect up my things, I am going to spend the night at my apartment, despite the great day we had.

John watches me carefully.  "Going home?'

"I'm pretty tired after last night, so I think so."

"You have everything here, why don't you just stay?"

I shake my head. "I'll just grab the El and be home in a few minutes."

"If something is bothering you Susan, we should talk about it. Are you...really mad about last night?"

"No, I'm just tired and think I need to be at home tonight. I have to get up early for work and you need to get some sleep too."

"I'll sleep better if you're here, though.  I feel like...there's something we need to talk about, whatever is bugging you."

"John, leave it for now, please, I'm tired." I snap at him and he visibly backs off.

He sighs. "Okay, take my Jeep if you want, I need the other car tomorrow."

I reluctantly accept the keys, not really wanting anything from him at that moment.  I turn to leave, giving him the briefest of hugs.

"Susan.  Please talk to me." He holds me a moment longer than I want him to, pulling back from him. 

"No, let me go home, please."  I almost miss it, the expression that goes across his face, but he shuts himself down quickly so I think I imagined it.

Of course he knows everything is not okay with us, something is bothering me. I go home and make myself some tea, and crawl into bed, but I toss and turn. My mind won't shut down, thoughts are racing through my mind. I wish I had stayed and talked to him, I'm not going to sleep, and he probably isn't sleeping either.

I toy with the idea of calling him, but I don't, worried that if he has finally fallen asleep he will not appreciate a 3 am wake up call.

I finally give up on sleeping, getting up and doing some of cleaning then get ready for work.  I gratefully sip a cup of coffee before I realize I need to run for my train, I have lost track of time.

In the lounge, I lean my head on my locker, needing another cup of coffee.

"Good morning Susan." Mark is pretty cheerful today as he puts his things in his locker. He notices that I am a bit quiet though. "Anything wrong?"

"No, I'm okay, just a little tired."

He checks to make sure there is no one else in the lounge. "How did things go with Carter…did you talk to him?"

"We talked, but things are a little tense right now."

"Soooooo, what did he say?" Mark gives me concerned frown.

"Come on Mark, you don't really expect me to discuss the private conversations John and I have, with you."

"Not word for word, but obviously something is bothering you. I want to help, Susan. Have you been sleeping?"

"Not very well, a couple rough nights at home."

We don't get a chance to talk any further as we are both called out to a multiple MVA coming in. I can see the looks Mark is shooting my way every now and again. I am not sure how I let things get so messed up again.

On my break I check my phone, and there is a message from John.

"Susan, I wanted to make sure you're okay.  I...I'm sorry, for being such an idiot the other night, I feel like...something is still bothering you, and we need to talk.  Call me? Please? Okay, I should go, bye."  

He sounds worried, but I ignore it for now. I honestly don't know what I'd say to him over the phone.

My shift goes by quickly, and then Abby shows up in the ER coming in by ambulance. She tells me she was assaulted by her neighbor, and I take care of her, including doing a rape kit, which ends up negative. I am thankful, she is pretty bruised and is scared to go home so I offer my couch for the night. She protests a bit, but I point out she can't go home, and has no money or anything with her, so she accepts.

I leave a message for Carter, and he shows a couple hours later to check on her, he is pretty concerned. He goes in to her room and they talk for a while, I walk by a couple times and notice he is holding her hand and how he wipes a few tears away from her face. I'm not all that happy, and Mark starts to notice my obsession.

"Relax Susan, I'm sure it doesn't mean anything, they're friends after all. You did talk to Carter about Abby, right?" He sees the slightly guilty look on my face. "You  _didn't_ talk to him about Abby?"

I shake my head. "No, Mark I didn't, we talked about some other stuff, not specifically about Abby."

I watch as Carter finally came out of Abby's room and we go into the doctors lounge which is empty.

"So, how is she?" 

"Fine, scared about Brian, but she told me you'd offered to let her stay with you at your apartment tonight. Is that going to work, or do you want to bring her to my place?"

No way in hell am I going to bring a possible ex-lover to his house.

"No, it'll be good, you have Brooklynn tonight, and don't work tomorrow, so Abby and I can have a quiet night at my apartment. She can sleep in Brooklynn's room."

"Okay, if you're sure, I have the room you know, she could stay for a few days."

I frown at him. "I don't think that's a good idea, John, having her stay with you."

He crosses his arms and leans on the counter. "Why is _that_ Susan? I've known her longer than you have, _and_ I have a spare room."

I don't answer right away, but he waits me out. "You never answered the questions the other night." My voice is flat as I say this.

He stares at me for a second, then raises an eyebrow. "The questions?"

"About the girlfriends."

He rubs his hands over his face, he's clearly tired and I'm sure he didn't sleep last night. His eyes are dark as he looks at me.

"Oh, wait, you think?" I can hear an edge to his voice. "So…you in fact _don't_ trust me? Nothing went on between Abby and I on that trip." He sighs "I didn't cheat on Rena, she got crazy over me helping Abby, who is a friend, drive her mom back from Oklahoma. Abby's mom is bi polar, and locked herself in a hotel room and she won't fly, so I flew out with her and we drove her sick mother back to Chicago. Absolutely nothing happened with Abby. Yes, Rena broke up with me over the trip, because she thought I was interested in Abby, when she is just a friend. If I am giving _you_ the impression there is more than friendship going on, then we need to talk about it more."

Mark walks in just at that moment, takes one look at our expressions and turns around to leave. "Sorry, I'll get my coffee later."

"What about Lucy and your girlfriend then?"

"I didn't sleep with Lucy either."

"Apparently something happened in an exam room with her? And you had a girlfriend at the time."

He looks up at the ceiling then at me, now he sounds annoyed.

"This one is never going away is it? I'm going to hear about Lucy and Roxanne for the rest of my life. You \ need to hear about what happened 3 years ago, with two other women?"

"I think I do, John, did you cheat on….Roxanne?"

He continues to look at me, but doesn't say a word.

"Sooooo, that's a yes, you did?"

"Fine, it's not what you think, Susan, Lucy kissed me, I kissed her back, I stopped it before it went too far, I didn't sleep with Lucy. Roxanne and I were having….issues in our relationship and we weren't seeing each other much, we were at the breaking up stage. We broke up pretty soon after."

"So kissing another woman isn't cheating to you? It's not acceptable in a relationship."

"Yeah, Susan, I get that, I didn't think it was, I'm telling you the truth here, it is what it is, I can't pretend it didn't happen. I don't understand why this is even an issue. I get why you might be concerned about Abby if you thought there was something going on with her, but really, the Lucy thing is crazy. I wish people could just leave it alone already." He sounds irritated and sad at the same time.

"Crazy? If you cheated on the ever so hot Roxanne, then it is an issue to me. Who says you won't cheat on me?"

"The ever so hot Roxanne? Who have you been talking to? Jerry?"

"No, _what_? Just answer the question."

"The answer to that Susan, is I didn't love Roxanne, our relationship was pretty much over anyway and at that point I didn't even much like her.  I also didn't start it, Lucy kissed me, not the other way around.  However, _I do love you_ , and I don't want to mess up what we have, I have no desire to be with anyone else. I'm not going to cheat on you, especially not with Abby."

"But you were still dating at the time and you kissed someone else."

His frustration is evident. "You're right, I did, and it was the one and only time I ever did that to anyone. I don't make a habit of it, it….happened. Have you ever made a mistake in a relationship? Something you wish you hadn't done?" His eyes are burning in to mine now, I know exactly what he is getting at here – I lied to him, and hid something pretty big from him, for years. Here I am, angry with him because of something that happened 3 years ago, that I wouldn't even know about if Mark hadn't told me. Something irrelevant to our relationship, if I'm honest with myself.

I look at the floor but I don't say anything.

"What it comes down to, Susan, is whether or not you trust me. I haven't lied to you, I haven't cheated on you, I don't think I have done anything that gives you reason not to trust me. Yet, you seem convinced for some reason that I'm going to cheat on you? I'm not sure where this is coming from all the sudden, aside from someone has been sharing the County gossip with you. If you don't trust me, then we have a big problem and we should be thinking about where this relationship is going."

"So, what, you're breaking up with me?"

"Is that what you _want_? If you think that I am going to cheat on you, because of some stupid thing that happened over 3 years ago, if you have that little faith in me, in us, in this relationship…then we don't have much to continue with do we? I get being jealous Susan, I wasn't thrilled about your little love fest with Mark in the hall either, but I also didn't jump to the conclusion that you can't be trusted around him. You trust me, or you don't, and if you don't." He shrugs helplessly. "I don't know what else to say, or what to do with that."

We stand and stare at each other, I don't quite know what to say either – he's right though, if I can't trust him, then can I stay with him, no matter how much I love him? I can hear the clock on the wall ticking, the room is dead silent.

Finally he looks down and then back at me, like he's willing me to say something.

"So thats it?  Terrific."  The tone of his voice implies it is anything but, and he gives his head a small shake and without another word he pushes off the counter and walks out of the room. The door swings shut behind him and I sink down on the couch and start to cry.

A minute later the door swings open and I look away and try to hide my tears, but someone sits beside me on the couch.

"Are you okay?" Mark rubs my shoulder as I swipe away the tears. "So what happened, Carter didn't look very happy when he left here, and you're crying, so what's going on."

"I think he broke up with me." I sob and the tears fall faster.

"What? Why?" Mark sounds angry.

"We were talking about…things….then he asked me if I trusted him."

"And what did you say?"

"I couldn't answer him, Mark, I love him so much, but I couldn't say anything. And he walked out."

Mark quietly puts his arm around me. "Do you trust him? Given what you know?"

"I'm confused Mark, I know he hasn't done anything in our relationship that would make me not trust him, but, then there's the stuff about Lucy."

"What about Lucy"

I just shake my head, I'm _not_ going to tell anyone what Carter just told me. "He said if I don't trust him, we don't have anything, and we can't be together."

Mark's voice is gentle. "I think he's right Susan, you can't have a serious relationship with someone if you don't trust them. Do you really want to be involved with someone you don't trust, or doesn't trust you, is always waiting for you to screw up, or looking for evidence that you've done something wrong? I don't know what to tell you, you have to decide for yourself. And I'm sorry, for bringing this stuff up to you, it's obviously created some real problems between you two."

I wipe my tears away "I think problem might be an understatement. He had a difficult time with his mother here, and when he came home a couple night ago, I picked a fight with him." I can feel more tears coming on.

"What happened?"

"I pushed him too far and he left...it was his house, but he still left. I didn't see him until the next night, and we had a bit of a talk, but we didn't get in to the real reason I picked the fight with him to start with. So yesterday was tense, and I ended up going to my apartment, and now..." I can't get any more words to come. "What do I do? I can't lose him, Mark, but I don't know what I'm doing."

"Is he the guy you want to be with, Susan? If he is, then you need to get your ass off this couch and go after him. Or you can let him go."

"I love him, Mark, and…he's…the best boyfriend I've ever had – and he's a great dad too. But, what if he finds someone else, you know, younger, prettier – like that nurse Trina at Northwestern, she's always flirting with him."

"You know, with a guy like Carter you're going to have to get used to the fact women are going to flirt with him. I've even seen some of the patients come on to him, the guy is like a damn chick magnet."

"Right, _that_ makes me feel so much better. To hear how my boyfriend has a nice selection of easy women falling all over him, like I didn't already know that. It seems to be the problem, right? He is dating someone, and then he has some other woman throwing themselves at him, right there and accessible. He has plenty of opportunity to find someone else."

Mark sighs. "I'm sorry, Susan, did I create this with what I told you?"

I bow my head, I don't want to confirm this, but he has...if he didn't get me thinking about the rumours, then I probably would have reacted differently when John came home the other night, which means he wouldn't have gotten drunk and he wouldn't have walked out on me today.

"Man, I have put my foot in it. Okay, so you love him and I assume he loves you?"

"Well, he tells me he does, pretty much all the time, and he asked me to move in with him."

"Move in with him? That's majorly serious, when did he ask you this?"

"At Christmas – but I wanted to give us some time, so I told him I would think about it, then it got crazy with his mom being here, and now we're fighting. Things were so perfect at Christmas, and New Year's we went to New York, and had such a great time. Then it all fell apart - and I don't know what to do."

"Talk to him Susan, if he loves you, then he will want to work it out."

"I have Abby coming to stay with me tonight - part of the problem is that he offered to have both of us come to his house and I...said no and he realized why."

"Which is?"

"The rumour about him and Abby. I have to work tomorrow, he's off work, and she would be there all day. So now he figures I don't trust him, I didn't like the idea of her being there if she was an ex girlfriend."

"Ahhhhh, I see why he's pissed off. But the offer was for both of you to stay, right?"

"Yeah, it's not unusual for me to stay overnight at his house, Mark. I guess he was thinking that he has a proper guest room, where at my apartment Abby would be in Brooklynn's bed, which is kind of small."

"Where would Brooklynn sleep if Abby is at your house?"

"She's with John tonight, since he has tomorrow off. She has her own room there too - the kid has three bedrooms if you include her great grandmother's place."

"So he has a four year old with him all day tomorrow, yet you still didn't want Abby at his house?"

"I know, I over reacted to his offer." I sigh.

"Maybe just a little. Can I ask you something?"

I nod "Sure."

"This is hard for me to ask, but, is Carter the guy for you? The love of your life, the man you want to marry and have more babies with? The person you feel you can't live without?"

"He's all of that for me, Mark, but I keep messing things up. At some point he is going to lose patience with me and tell me to get the hell out of his life, and I don't think I could bear it."

"Maybe you are that for him too, Susan, the person he doesn't want to live without. Talk to him, don't leave it too long."

I sigh, knowing the truth of this, and there is not much else to say. "Okay. I need to get Abby and go home, thanks for the talk."

I pack up my stuff and Mark gives me a quick hug. I get Abby, thankfully I still have John's Jeep so we don't have to take the L.

Abby looks at me curiously. "Uh, this looks familiar, how did you pry the keys out of his hands?"

"Oh, not so hard really, he has his other car since he is taking Brooklynn tomorrow, so he had me take the Jeep last night."

"His _other_ car? Carter has two cars now? Why two?"

"He didn't want to sell this one, but he needed something more reliable - you know, the dad thing."

"Right, that makes sense, but don't you have a car?"

"Not any more, I was having a lot of trouble with it, it is pretty old and the transmission is going, so John just said if I needed I can use one of his - we trade off the BMW and the Jeep depending on who has Brooklynn."

"A Beamer? No way, I never thought in a million years! And he lets you drive it?"

"Ummm, yeah, whenever I need to, I have the second set of keys."

"Next thing he'll be giving you house keys and asking you to move in with him."

I am silent when she says this, and I feel her gaze as she waits for me to respond, and then I hear a little snort.

"He's already given you keys, and asked you to move in, hasn't he? I knew he was a goner."

"A goner?"

"Yup, you know as in, totally stupid, crazy in love with you. Should have known, he was pretty pissed at you for a while, but didn't last long did it? Play your cards right and it'll be the marriage proposal next."

I have just parked in front of my apartment, and can't help but look at her in shock. " _What_?"

Abby just shakes her head at me, and we both get out and proceed up to my apartment. We get her settled on the couch with some tea.

"So Susan, are you going to move in with him?"

I look down at my hands and shrug. She can tell that there is something wrong.

"You...are not in love with him? That kind of surprises me a little, it sounded like you both had a great Christmas, and you seem to be...you know...spending a lot of time at his house." She gives me an inquisitive look.

"That's not it, Abby, I do love him, a lot actually, but I kind of messed things up the past few days. The whole thing the other night? Kind of my fault."

"Your fault? He didn't say that when I talked to him - he said he wasn't sleeping, that the nightmares were back, and the whole thing with Sobricki, his mom and that little boy had just been stressful. We had a pretty good talk, but he didn't say there was trouble in paradise."

"Well, there is, and I caused it. He came home and...I picked a fight with him about something really stupid, and he walked out on me. I didn't read the signs, he even told me he was exhausted and couldn't deal with it right then, but I pushed the issue anyway."

"But you stayed at the house with him the other night. So you didn't make up?"

I sigh "Sort of, but then the same issue came up again, I can't leave it alone, and now he thinks I don't trust him. So...he broke up with me."

A look of pure shock goes over Abby's face. "You two broke up? When?"

"A couple hours ago."

Abby shakes her head, then pulls out her cell phone and hits a speed dial button. "I'll be back in a few." With that she goes into Brooklynn's room and gently closes the door.

I go lay on my bed, but leave the door open, I can just hear Abby's voice in the bedroom, muffled by the door. Finally I feel a prescence and I realize I have dozed off. I open my eyes and Abby is leaning on the door frame.

"Wow, I cannot believe this, I...think I should leave, Susan, I'm sorry, but...I called Luka and he is going to pick me up and let me stay there."

I sit up. "Why?"

"Because you have somewhere else you need to be right now."

"And where is that?"

"I actually have to spell it out?" She turns to go, then changes her mind. "For the record, Carter and I are just friends, and have never been more than that. You know what? I'm...an alcoholic, and I call him when I need to talk to someone who understands what it's like in our work. And he calls me when he needs to talk to someone, we go to meetings together sometimes, and we just...talk. That is what he is not telling you Susan - he couldn't tell you because of confidentiality, so I'm telling you. The trip to Oklahoma? Luka wanted to fix things his way, and wasn't listening to what I needed to do - Carter listened to me and came along so I didn't have to manage my bi-polar mother for 3 days in a car by myself. He acted like a friend, and his crazy ass girlfriend got jealous and broke up with him. Not that she was a loss in my books, he didn't actually seem all that broken up when she dumped him...but if _you_ break his heart, I will never forgive you. He is in love with you, Susan." She walks away and I hear her gathering her things in the other room.

I sit there stunned as I hear a knock on my door, some low voices then the door shutting and silence.


	14. Chapter 14

* * *

It is about 9pm and I get out of the Jeep in front of John's house. It is dark, so either they have gone to bed early or not home. I knock, but there is no answer, so I use my key. It is silent, just like my apartment after Abby left. I got her point, she was telling me to fix things, to do it right away, perhaps hope was not gone for my relationship with John.

When she excused herself so quickly, I had a feeling she was calling him, probably to make sure he was okay in light of what happened a few nights ago. And given what she told me before she left, a whole piece of the puzzle suddenly dropped into place. Abby is part of his support system, and he is part of hers, so of course when she got hurt he wanted to help her. Abby had definitely been drinking tonight, I could smell it on her breath, if she is an alcoholic, and as she was attacked by an abusive neighbour, she really needed his visit today at the hospital.

I flick on a couple of lights, and go into the kitchen to make myself some tea. I move around comfortably, I know where everything is stored, I have spent a lot of time here. I finally hear the front door, and quiet voices, but it seems John takes Brooklynn right upstairs and puts her to bed. I sit at the granite island and read one of the medical journals, he has marked a couple articles, which he must have found interesting. He does that often, marks things he thinks I should read, which saves me a lot of time. I finally look up and he is leaning on the door frame, arms crossed, watching me with wary eyes.

“Hi, I made tea, want some?"

"Please."

I get up to pour him a cup, setting it on the island at the place right beside mine. He drops on to the stool, and then rubs his hands across his face, I can see he is exhausted.

"Thanks."

"Still not sleeping?"

"No, not much. I need to go to bed pretty soon, had to take a shift tomorrow as they are short in the ER and there are new med students coming in. They messed up some dates, Louisa will be here at 6am, I have to be in at 7am. Are you back at Northwestern tomorrow too?"

"Yes. If you have to get up early, maybe this isn't the best time, should I go?"

"I guess that depends why you are here." He picks up his tea and takes a sip, then turns his tired eyes towards me.

I sigh. "You didn't seem surprised to see me."

"Yeah, well you parked out front and the lights are on, the front door was unlocked, so I knew you were here. I had to put Brooklynn in bed, she was half asleep and I didn't want to get her excited to see you, sorry. It's past her bedtime and I don't want her to be a grouch tomorrow."

"That's okay, I'll check on her in a bit, and anyway, it is better if she is sleeping so we have a chance to talk."

He stays silent and just watches me as I take a sip of my tea, then I turn on the stool so I face him.

"I'm sorry. For everything, John, I have been acting…irrational, I let stupid rumours get to me. I thought about what you said, that the previous relationship stuff, is…irrelevant. And I guess it is, I don't know why I felt the need to know, you haven't been bugging me about my previous relationships, what mistakes I might have made in them." I put my hand on his arm. "I…just want to fix things between us. I miss you and…I love you."

"So, are you just going to let the whole Abby and Lucy thing go now? You're not going to get all crazy next time you hear some rumour? And there will probably be one, or somebody from my past will reappear - a lot of women I've been involved with are in the medical field, and it will happen again at some point. I can't go through this every time you hear about someone I used to date, and the emphasis here is on _used to_. Obviously they weren't the right person, or I would still be with them."

I shake my head "No, I trust you." I sigh. "I haven't shared this, but…I was seeing someone in Phoenix about 6 months before I left. Someone I chose to trust, and….he cheated on me. With someone I considered a close friend, so maybe I am oversensitive to the cheating issue." I look down at my tea before I glance over at Carter.

He is staring into his cup. "How long were you seeing him?"

"About 7 months, I thought I knew him and stopped by his place, I had gotten out early from a shift for a change and…got a bit of a surprise, found them in bed. Fortunately I hadn't let him move in with me and I hadn't let Brooklynn get attached to him, so it wasn't as messy as it could have been. He worked at the hospital too, so it was part of the reason I came back to Chicago. I don't know if you have ever had anyone cheat on you, but …it's not fun."

"Harper."

"Harper? Like the med student you dated?"

"That's the one – she slept with Ross."

"As in….Doug Ross?"

"Mmmhmmm, the famous Dr. Ross, that was fun let me tell you, knowing, and he worked with us both."

"I never knew that…how did you find out?"

"She told me. And it sucked. But then, I'm not perfect as you pointed out, I kissed Lucy while I had a girlfriend, though I never told Roxanne, it was pointless to hurt her with that when we were breaking up anyway."

I lean my forehead on his shoulder. "I want to tell you something but can you listen to the whole thing before…you say anything?"

"Okay."

I take a deep breath "When you told me you had…kissed Lucy…you know…been tempted, and I had heard that Roxanne was…well extremely attractive, it…made me feel a little insecure. It's like, you have these gorgeous women, that are so accessible to you, why would you want me? Roxanne and Lucy, Rena and Abby, Trina, along with all the other women. You never seemed to have a problem finding someone, where for me, it seems really difficult to meet men and then when I do, they end up like Div, or Brad. Today, you walked out again, and I thought you were leaving me for good."

He waits for a moment and decides I am finished, and slides an arm around me with a sigh "No, I left before one of said something we would regret later, to give you some space, which you seem to desperately need based on the past few days. You know, that night, when I asked you not to leave, I didn't mean just then, I meant _don't leave._ I was afraid you were going to decide this is too much for you, that I have way to much emotional baggage and maybe this relationship is not working for you. You know, we talked about this before, but….it was hard when we had those great two weeks, and then we had to end it, because…I was in love with you…quite a while before we were together. But you told me we had nothing, it was fun, see you later, so I let you go. I thought you didn't love me like I loved you, I believed you when you said you didn't want anything serious."

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you felt that way at the time. All I could think of was that when I was a 24 year old resident, I sure wasn't ready for anything serious. And the career stuff of course, we would not have been able to hide it if we were still sleeping together, there were lots of times I wished you were a couple years further along in your career. I did love you, though, and finding out I was pregnant - I was happy to be having a baby, and even happier that it was _your_ baby, if I couldn't have you, I did at least have her. I'm not perfect either, I have emotional baggage, and I am older than you, so my own insecurities make me worry that you will find someone younger and prettier. I don't want to leave you, it didn't even cross my mind, I was just crazy jealous for no good reason."

"I want to be with you, I love you and I have for a really long time, Susan. I know the age difference bothered you, I could tell and maybe it still does a little bit. It doesn't bother me though, it is less than 4 years difference, not that big of a deal really. I am not looking for a trophy wife, I want to be with someone I love. I guess what I am saying is that you don't have to worry about it, you are beautiful, sexy, intelligent and more importantly the person I want to be with, and you have to trust in us." He gives me a squeeze. "There are things that I wish I could go back and change, but – I can't – so I hope you can just forgive me for mistakes I made previously and we can concentrate on us."

"If you will forgive me for acting like a crazy jealous girlfriend and for acting like I don't trust you. I trust you and I love you." I place one of my palms on his cheek and turn his head towards me, so I can kiss him. He pulls me in closer to him, and I wrap my arms around his neck as his hand goes behind my head, and he returns the kiss, which quickly becomes pretty heated and passionate.

Finally he rests his forehead against mine and talks to me softly. "You're staying tonight?"

"Yes, I'd like to, it that's okay."

"Of course…I still want you to move in here, you know that right?"

"Do you? Even after this last month and how rough it's been?"

"It has been rough, but, we are okay? Like really okay, not pretend okay like a few days ago?"

"Yes, we are really okay…I'm sorry for not…dealing with things better."

"We need to find a better way to handle issues, so we don't end up fighting – and throwing things, good thing your aim isn't better."

I give him a guilty half smile. "Yeah, about that, I don't know what came over me, you have the power to drive me crazy, you know?"

"Oh trust me, I know, because you do the same to me – but at least I don't throw things. So let's try not to break all the dishes." I see the corner of his mouth twitch a little, like he's trying not to smile.

"Okay….I think…maybe it's bedtime?"

"Yeah, I'll be up in a minute." He gives me another kiss, and I walk slowly up the stairs, and I hear John moving around on the main floor, locking the front door before I hear his footsteps on the stairs. I turn on the shower, it has been a long work day and I want to get the hospital smell off me. I hear John come in to the bathroom to brush his teeth and by the time I come out of the bathroom wrapped in my towel he is in bed with his eyes closed. I steal one of his fresh shirts from his closet and slide it on, doing up a few of the buttons.

I flick off the lights and slide between the soft sheets, I can feel him move and his arms wrap around me. "You really like my shirts for some reason, but I am not sure why you bothered."

I can feel my cheeks flush a bit in the dark, but I know he can't see me. "Sorry…they…smell good and they are really soft and comfortable. But why shouldn't I bother?"

"Don't be sorry, and because I am just going to take it off you." I feel his lips on my neck and his fingers deftly unbuttoning what I just did up. I run my fingers through his soft hair then down his bare back as he gently pushes open the shirt and works his way down my neck. I inhale deeply, enjoying his warm scent, the slight remnant of aftershave still clinging to him.

Later, I lay in his arms, his breathing is soft and even as he sleeps, and think about the offer to move in with him, and this time I know I am going to accept. I drift off to sleep with a smile on my face.

A while later I feel a bit of weight on the bed beside me. "Mommy, you're here." Brooklynn whispers to me as she crawls into the king size bed beside me. "I had a bad dream."

"Hi sweetie, I came after work. Did you have fun today with daddy?"

"Yup. Can I sleep in here with you and daddy?" She cuddles up to me, scrunching her fingers into the shirt I am wearing again, clutching Bella.

"Of course. Go to sleep so we don't wake him up though, he has to go to work early tomorrow."

We both drift back to sleep and I wake up until the alarm goes at 5am. John smacks the alarm and looks over my way, smiling when he sees Brooklynn clinging to me as she sleeps. "What time do you work?"

"9-9 today, you're 7-7?

"Right. I am going to shower before Louisa gets here. Go back to sleep for a bit, and I'll wake you before I leave."

I nod and close my eyes as I hear the shower, then next thing I know he wakes me up with a kiss. "I have to go, see you in a couple hours?"

"Mmmmhmmmm. John?"

He turns just as he reaches the door. "Yeah?"

"Yes, I'll move in here."

He comes back to the bed and gives me another kiss.

"Good, I was hoping you would. Let's talk later on break." He heads out the door, leaving the faint smell of shampoo and aftershave.


	15. Chapter 15

Several days later, my apartment is fully packed and ready to move.  I have few boxes after we have sorted out my apartment, we had a lot of doubles, I kept only the special items, most everything else we are donating, including pretty much all my furniture. John has much nicer furniture, I have been dragging mine around since I first left home to go to university, he had to replace his at least once when his apartment burnt down a few years ago, and it was all new and far better quality than mine to start with. I sorted most of Brooklynn's toys and clothing, getting rid of anything that was getting worn or too small, finding that most of what we kept has been purchased by her dad in the past few months.

We took a couple loads in the SUV during the week to his place, mostly Brooklynn's toys, books and clothes, along with the few items of my clothing that had not yet migrated to his place. John and I now load the final boxes into the SUV, as the donations are being loaded into another truck. We do a quick sweep of all the rooms and make sure it is empty, and I say good bye to my little apartment. I can’t say I will miss it, I have only been back in Chicago a few months and it never really felt like home, I was spending most of my time with John.

John puts his arm around me and gives me a squeeze then waits for me downstairs as I hand the keys over to the house cleaners. They will drop them with the landlord when they are done. I skip down the steps and meet John at the car- I am starting a new chapter in my life, which is exciting.

We return home to a very happy Brooklynn, she is thrilled that we are now living permanently at daddy's house, it turns out it was more difficult for her to be going back and forth than I realized. In the few months we have been in Chicago, she has become very attached to her dad, and I am very happy I decided to come back. All three of us are happier.

"Mommy, look flowers. Some man brought these for you." Brooklynn points at the extremely large bouquet of long stemmed red roses - two dozen of them.

I run a finger over the velvety soft petals before removing the card - of course they are from John.

"Thank you, these are beautiful." I wrap my arms around him. I have never received such a gorgeous bouquet and then I suddenly realize – tomorrow is Valentine's Day. And I haven’t done anything for either John or Brooklynn, I’ve been so busy moving, the dates have escaped me.

"I love you." He holds me close, I can feel the beating of his heart, and I inhale his warm spicy scent. "I wanted to get you something, but…I have a hard time doing anything on Valentine's Day, so you get your flowers a day early. I didn't want you to think I forgot."

"I understand." I whisper. “I love you too. They're gorgeous." Brooklynn runs over and wraps her arms around both of us to join in the hug, we suddenly feel very much like a family.

John leans down and scoops her up in his arms. "So lets get ready and we are going out for dinner."

We all change and go to a very nice little Italian place just down the street. We finish our main course, and John pulls out a medium size blue box, and puts it in front of Brooklynn. I look at him, and he just smiles and gives me a little wink. She carefully opens the box, and inside is a very cute bunny bank, she has been asking for a piggy bank, and apparently someone has been listening. She jumps up and gives him a big hug. "Thank you daddy, this is the one I wanted!." I give my head a small shake, he sure loves to spoil her.

"Say thank you to mommy too." She comes over to me, I smile gratefully that he included me in the gift giving.

He pulls out another smaller blue Tiffany's box and hands it to Brooklynn. "Give this to mommy."

"Daddy and I picked this out for you." She gently places the box on the table in front of me, then watches expectantly as I start to undo the ribbon.

I open it and it is a beautiful sapphire and diamond band ring. I look up at him. "Wow, this is beautiful." I lift it out of the box and try it on the ring finger of my right hand, and it fits perfectly, I am not sure how he knew my exact size but it is gorgeous. "Thank you." I give Brooklynn a big hug and kiss, then lean across and give John a kiss as well. I hold up my hand, the ring sparkles as the light catches the diamonds - this is an amazing Valentine's gift.

"I know sapphire is your birthstone, and you are always admiring that ring Marcy wears at work. So I thought I would get you one of your own."

"I love it. And Brooklynn, you helped pick it out?"

"Yup, I liked this one the best, and it was the big one too, I thought you would like the one with the big diamonds."

I can't help but smile at this, and John looks pretty amused at her as well. "Thank you, you made a great choice." I start to wonder exactly how much he paid for this ring. I twirl it on my finger, the diamonds and sapphires alternate around the band and I swear they are set in platinum, and there must be close to 2 carats worth of stones.

We order chocolate cake for dessert, and then Brooklynn is starting to get tired. We arrive home and get her into bed, then go down to relax and watch a movie together before bed. We both have work in the morning and it has been a busy day.

I snuggle up close to him in our bed, it is so nice to be calling it _our_ bed now, then give him an extra long kiss. "This ring really is beautiful, John, I feel a little spoiled, first a huge bouquet, then dinner and an amazing piece of jewellery."

"I am glad you like it. It took a while to pick it, a four year old in a store with shiny sparkly jewellery - she had to look at everything. Typical girl, loves the diamonds."

"Well, I appreciate your bravery in taking her in there, I really do love it, and I love you."

"I love you too." He returns the kiss and I wrap my arms around him, pulling him close.

The next morning we stroll into the ER for our shifts, we are both 9-9pm today. Everyone is chattering about what their husbands or boyfriends did for them for Valentines, or about what they are going to be doing tonight.

We both get involved with patients right away, and I stop at the admit desk to update the board and pick up a new chart.

"Well, she's at it again." Rachel, the brand new Attending Physicians is watching something with interest.

"Who is at what again?"

"Trina, she has been following Dr. Carter around for the last hour, she acts like he is the only doctor in the hospital. I swear she has done that every shift I have been here, she can't leave the guy alone. I hope he has the good sense not to get involved with her, I've seen girls like that before. I don't see a wedding ring either, do you know if he's single?"

I laugh. "Nope, not single, very much taken. If he got involved with her, I'd kill him."

Rachel looks over at me at little embarrassed. "Oh...sorry...are you and Dr. Carter, together? I hadn't heard that."

I nod. "We live together, and we have a daughter who will be 5 in May."

She motions towards Trina. "Does she know that? She seems, well, a little overly friendly, but he doesn't even blink."

"He's kind of used to it, I guess. And she must know, we come in to work together all the time, we don't keep it a secret or anything. Though I did just move in with him, she probably doesn't know about that yet."

"But you have a daughter.?"

"We're not married, we just recently got back together, I was living in Phoenix and only came back a few months ago."

"Sounds...complicated."

'It is, a little, but things are good with us."

Trina sidles up to the admit desk, but she is still watching John. "So, Dr. Lewis, any special plans for tonight?"

I can't help but give her a big smile "No, nothing special for tonight, John and I went out last night since we both have to work, and I still have some unpacking to do."

"John?"

"Yes, you know...Dr. Carter?" The one you keep flirting with - ring a bell?

"You went out for Valentine's with Dr. Carter?"

"Yes, he is so sweet. After we finished moving the rest of my stuff into his house, he surprised me with two dozen long stemmed roses, and this." I wiggle my fingers at her to draw attention to the ring he gave me last night.

Trina's eyes widen as she grabs my hand to inspect the ring. "Dr. Carter gave you that for Valentine's? And you...moved in with him?"

"Yes, which reminds me I have to change my address with the hospital. I better do that today."

"I didn't know you two were...serious."

"We've been seeing each other for months, Trina, I thought you knew that."

"Yeah, but I still didn't think it was serious, I thought you two just hung out because of your daughter." She looked a little disappointed

Carter comes back to admit at that moment and starts to update the board. He notices Trina staring at him. "What?"

"Just admiring Susan's new ring." Trina flounces off, thankfully not saying anything more.

John gives me a quizzical look, and I wonder if he even noticed how hard Trina has been flirting with him. I shrug and head off to my next patient with a smile. I do notice during the day that Trina is not spending quite so much time following him around though, so I am happy about that.

Later that night I am unpacking in the bedroom while Carter is getting ready for bed " So…I was wondering…Gamma is still not fully recovered, and she wants me to cover for her at an event in two weeks, I was hoping I could talk you into going with me."

"What kind of event?"

"I have to make a donation presentation for the Foundation. Its formal and a little stuffy but the food will be good." Carter says hopefully.

"Family duty? Formal, I don't know, not sure I have anything that I can wear to something like that."

Carter smiles "Please? I really hate going to these things alone, and well, it is expected that I bring a date, especially as I will be kind of the center of attention. We can get you a dress if you will go with me."

I look over at him "What if I have to work?"

Carter glances over at me "I think I could probably talk to Rosen and get your shift changed."

"Like Rosen would do that for you"

"Oh, I think he will. He knows the work our Foundation does, and the hospital sometimes benefits, so…." He gives a little shrug.

"Okay, if I don't have to work and I can find a dress then I'll go with you."

"Great, I will make sure we get our shifts arranged so we can go. Tomorrow we can find you a dress."

Carter takes me downtown for some shopping the next day into an area I would not normally go near. Way too far out of my budget range. Walking hand in hand, we stop in front of a window admiring the dress on the mannequin. Carter whistled softly "You should try that on, I bet it would look fantastic on you. It would be perfect for the benefit."

I give him a sideways glance and the look back at the dress. "I bet I cannot afford that one"

"I still really want to see you in that dress. Do it for me?" He gives me one of his cute little grins and then pulls me into the store with him, one of the sales ladies glanced up, then headed over their way. "Good afternoon Dr. Carter, how are you doing today?"

I stare at him for a second, _they know you here by name?_

"I'm great Anne, my friend Dr. Lewis, she was hoping to try on that dress in the window."

Anne looks me up and down. “It should be just the right size, I will get it for you. Maybe some shoes to match."

Carter nods, "Thanks Anne, yes, she will need shoes too."

What size of shoe do you wear?"

"Usually a size 7"

Anne shows me to a dressing room, and leaves to get the dress. I watch Anne walked by Carter, he touches her shoulder and says something to her. I see him reach over and do something to the dress and Anne proceeds to hang it in my room, and also presents a beautiful pair of shoes, along with a very sexy backless type bra.

"You'll need this, the dress won't look right without the proper undergarments."

I close the door, and slip on on the dress and shoes before stepping out in front of the mirrors. John seems speechless for a moment. "Wow Susan, that looks absolutely amazing on you, I think you need to have that dress."

I turn and look in the mirror, and wow is right, this is was probably the most beautiful dress I have ever worn. The fabric hugs my curves in all the right places, and falls smoothly over my hips. The dress has an open back and I appreciate Anne providing the right bra to go with it. The shoes are fabulous too, fitting perfectly with the dress. I start imagining it with one of the pairs of diamond earrings, the necklace and bracelet I got at Christmas, then I stop myself - no way can I afford this dress.

Anne comes over and nods "What is the occasion?"

I stare at myself in the mirror "A benefit, formal dress."

Anne smiles "That dress looks beautiful on you, and would be perfect for a benefit."

Carter is still looking at me with a huge smile on his face. "So do you love it?"

"Yes, it's gorgeous, and the shoes...well what can I say, they are pretty nice too."

"It is perfect on you, I love it. So, go get changed?"

I sigh and go back into the change room trying to unsuccessfully find a price tag. "I'm not sure I can afford this dress, John – I bet the shoes alone are over my budget"

I put the dress back on it's hanger and change back into my clothes. As soon as I come out Anne reclaims the dress and takes it up to the front counter, and John takes my hand and encourages me to look around the store a bit more. I try on a lovely car coat, I wish I could buy it as mine is starting to look a little worn, but it is several hundred dollars, even though it is moderately on sale as they are clearing out their fall items. John helps me take it off and I wander around for a few minutes while John is talking to Anne, she is wrapping something at the counter. I see a flash of black going back into his wallet and he turns and smiles "All ready?

I smile back "I think so, I still need to find…" I cut off as Anne came out from behind the counter, handing me an elegant shopping bag and Carter two garment bags. "John, what did you do?"

He winks at me "I am subjecting you to an evening at a benefit, so I bought you a dress to wear." He looks over at Anne "Thank you Anne, see you again soon."

"Have a great afternoon Dr. Carter and Dr. Lewis, that dress is fabulous. Enjoy your evening."

We leave the shop, and I turn towards him as we reach the street. "How much did you spend on that dress. And why did you buy it for me!"

"I didn't think you would get it for yourself, and I realllllly want to spend an evening looking at you wearing it. You are going to look absolutely gorgeous in that dress."

"How much was it, I need to pay you back…and you got the shoes too? And what is in the other bag?"

"No way, you are not paying me back, I wanted to do this, and you are doing me a huge favour coming to this benefit with me. Please don't make a big issue of this – it's a gift. Trust me, if you are going to the benefit with me, you really need that dress. You said you didn't have anything formal. "

I stop suddenly and grab him, pull his head down to give him a deep and warm kiss. "Thank you, it really is beautiful. By the way, how did Anne know you?"

He gives me slight smile. "Well, I do have to buy presents once in a while, that store always has really nice clothes, and Anne knows her stuff - like today, she looked at you and knew the dress would fit and that it would look good, or she would have suggested something else. I have shopped there for years actually."

"In other words, you have bought a lot of presents there for girlfriends in the past."

"Well, that, and for friends - I bought presents for Abby and Deb at Christmas - and Anne helped me pick out a couple of your presents too."

"So what is in the other bag?"

"Ahh, right... well, you liked the coat and you'll need one when we go to the benefit...so I got it for you. We should stop by the car and drop these off, you can change if you like."

"John, that coat was almost a thousand dollars, on sale!"

He shrugs. "And you needed a new one, it's not a big deal, you should see what I spend on my formal wear. I can afford it, so just...enjoy it."

"I know, but I guess I am just not used to being taken care of like that, and I feel guilty when you pay for everything.

"But you shouldn't, you wouldn't need these clothes if it wasn't for me." We are now back at the car and John opens the door and hangs the garment bags then takes the other bag out of my hands. He unzips the garment bag and takes out the new coat and holds it out for me and I finally slip off my old coat and lay it on the seat then let him help me put on the new one. "Anne removed all the tags, it does look good on you."

"Thank you, I still don't know what to say."

"Your welcome, and you don't need to say anything else." He gives me a quick kiss. "How about some lunch?"

"Sound great, I am kind of hungry."

Once we are seated in the restaurant and perusing the menu, I realize we haven't discussed anything about how much I am going to contribute to the house expenses.

"John, we still need to figure out some things, like how much rent I need to pay to help cover the mortgage, groceries and stuff."

"Yeah, so about that….ummmmm, no mortgage to pay, Susan, I….own the house."

My head snaps up and I stare at him for a second. "You're kidding right?" Given where his place is located and the size it must be worth several hundred thousand dollars, if not more.

"Why do you keep asking me that? No, I'm not kidding, I don't have a mortgage, I was able to pay for it outright in cash. The overhead isn't too bad really, I don't need you to pay me anything to stay here. My expenses level won't change all that much, maybe a few more groceries but that's about it."

I just look at him for a minute. "No point in arguing with you is there."

"Nope, none at all. And why should you, I don't have a monthly payment on the house, and you are not a tenant Susan, you are my girlfriend and the mother of my child. Why should I take money from you to live in the house."

"It just feels wrong that you pay for so much, that I can't contribute as much as you can."

"I earn more than you do, Susan, I have no debt, no student loans, no mortgage, no car payments. If I need more money, I can just increase my monthly income - I'm not taking what I am entitled to take, I am having it invested, plus I have my salary from the hospital."

"I told you I don't need to know how much you make."

He sighs at this. "Let me ask you something."

"Okay, what?"

"You are seriously involved with someone, and you either have or want to have kids with this person. You both work, and want to have a house, have medical loans to pay off. You know, like quite a few people we know."

"But…"

Carter gives me an annoyed look and I stop. "Let me finish…..okay so you are getting married, and combining your lives, and decide, that hey maybe you should sit down together and figure out your finances jointly as a couple, because how else are you going to make any plans for the future if you are keeping things a secret. Like, would you not want to know how much the other person makes, if they have any debt, you might want to have a joint bank account? Can you afford that house, or that rental apartment, how much can you save….you know all those things. And if you are having kids, what if something happens to one of you, and you are left by yourself suddenly to raise that child on your own, how are you going to take care of them?"

I consider this for a minute. "Okay, you got me there, yes, if I was with any regular guy, I probably would be asking those questions."

"So why is it any different because you are with me? I am just a regular guy, Susan, that is what you are not getting here. I would answer any question you have about my finances and income, and sooner or later, you are going to have to ask or I am going to tell you. Obviously, not here, this is not the place to get into it, but if we are going to share a life, there are things we need to discuss, and one of those things is finances."

"It feels different."

"But it shouldn't. I know all these things about you, how much you make, how much your student loan is, all of that, but you just don't want to know about mine. I have tried to leave the door open for you to ask, but you haven't, or won't. We are living together, and we have a daughter, there are certain things that come with that. A huge portion of divorces in this country are over money, especially in my family. I don't want us to be one of them."

"You have always been so private about this stuff at the hospital."

"Yeah, well it is private from the people who I work with, but you are not _just_ someone I work with….are you? I think that changes things just a bit." He takes both my hands in his across the table and absently twists my ring. "Where do you see us...this relationship going?"

I feel my heart flutter a bit, I am kind of nervous, what do I tell him? That I have thought about marrying him and having more babies with him? Is that going to freak him out? I can't help but look into his eyes, man, I love those dark chocolate eyes, they can undo me every time.

"So you don't have any idea what you want?" He says this softly, and I realize that I have been staring into his eyes for quite a while. The server comes at that moment and he withdraws his hands. He lets me order first then orders a burger and fries for himself. Once the server leaves, he leans back and watches me, but doesn't say anything further.

I look at my hands and start to spin my ring, then I can't help but lift my head, but he is not looking at me, he is staring into his coffee cup. He looks deep in thought, maybe a little troubled.

"I do know...what I want. I guess I am just...well worried that...you don't want the same things."

His eyes meet mine. "I guess you won't know unless you tell me. If I haven't been clear on what I want, I'm sorry." He got up and came to sit beside me on my side of the booth. He turns so he is facing me and takes my right hand and turns the ring. "I...would like to marry you someday, this ring...is something I wanted you to have because it might be too early for us to make things...more official. I don't want us to rush, we are together, and you have just moved in and I guess I want to make sure we are both...on the same page. I was hoping that you moving in meant that you want to try and make things work, maybe you want the same things."

I feel a surge of relief, I was worried I was reading too much into the gift, I know he can be very generous, maybe overly so. I slide my arms around his neck and lean in close to him. I whisper softly against his ear."I do want to marry you and I want to have more babies with you, I love you."


	16. Chapter 16

The day of the benefit was quickly approaching and I was feeling a bit nervous, I didn't know quite what to expect. A few days before, John reminded me that I should use the certificate his grandmother had given me at Christmas, suggesting that I take Rachel, the new Attending with me for a day of pampering. We had hit it off right from the beginning and were starting to go for coffee and girl chats quite regularly and even had a night out with the four of us – me, John, Rachel, and her husband Mike.

"You should use it soon, Susan, and this would be a perfect time."

"I guess I should figure out how much it is for?"

He looks at the name of the spa. "Oh, just book whatever you like, Gamma has an account there and they will just charge everything to her. Hmmmm, I think you should do one of those fancy massages, and then get a manicure and pedicure, and maybe your hair? A facial if you want? And book the same for Rachel, you two could spend most of the afternoon there, take her for lunch before if you want, sounds like she has the day off."

"That's a lot – are you serious? Won't your grandmother feel like I took advantage of her gift?"

"She would be more offended if you didn't use it – anyway, you are going to an event with me that night, and she won't mind if you get the works done. And for lunch on Saturday, you can use this to pay for it." He drops a black platinum credit card on the table in front of me.

"Ha ha, John, no way." I pick up the card and then I have to look again. This is from a bank I don't use, but the name on the card is clearly Dr. Susan Lewis. "What is this?"

"A credit card?" He asks innocently.

"With my name on it? From a bank I have never used in my life?"

"I use that bank, though, I just….added you to one of my credit accounts. You know, if you need to get clothes or something, for you, or for Brooklynn. You can use it for gas if you ever need to fill up the car or just….whatever you need."

"You're just giving me a credit card – to use whenever I want?"

"Sure, I trust you, just keep your receipts so we can reconcile the account every month, but yes, buy whatever you need."

"This thing must have some sort of limit? A maximum I can spend?"

"No, just charge whatever you need and I'll transfer and pay it off at the end of the month. No limit." I stare at him, and he just looks back at me and smiles. "What?"

"Every card has a limit, so really, what is it?"

"Not every card, Susan. This one actually doesn't, so no buying cars or houses, just you know, clothes and stuff." He gives me a pen. "Sign the back."

I take the pen and sign, then shake my head. "You don't have to do this, you know."

"I know, but, like we talked about the other day, this is part of combining your life with someone else's. We'll have to go visit Adam at my bank one day as well, to introduce you, he handles all my accounts."

"You have one guy to handle your accounts? That you know by name? I just get whoever is not busy."

"Well, you can change your accounts to my bank, and then you can use Adam too if you want. Up to you though – he's great, I can just phone him and he will do a lot of the stuff over the phone for me."

"Of course he does." I put the card in my wallet, and try not to think about it.

Saturday arrives and I find out that the name Carter does bring some extra privileges. Rachel and I check in at the front desk of the spa and salon after going out for a very nice lunch, and the desk clerk notes the name 'Carter' and we are whisked back into the massage room, offered a variety of beverages and treated to a pretty awesome afternoon. We both get facials, manicures, pedicures and we both get hair treatments – a deep moisturizing along with a cut and style. They also do a terrific job on my makeup for the evening.

"Wow, Susan, you look incredible, I can't wait to see pictures of you all dressed up. Make sure you get a few."

By the end of the afternoon I feel totally pampered and relaxed. We stop at the front desk before we leave.

The manager of the spa and salon comes up. "I hope you ladies enjoyed your afternoon, and Dr. Lewis, we hope you will visit us again. Dr. Carter has added you to the account, so you can drop in anytime."

Rachel gives me a little sideways glance, I think she can't quite believe that I am able to just 'drop in' and get whatever spa treatments I want. Then again, neither can I, I really don't want to know how much this afternoon is costing Millicent, but I have to trust John knows his grandmother well enough to know what she would find acceptable.

We say goodbye to the manager as she notes the treatments are already paid in full by the Carter account. Rachel thanks me profusely for sharing the afternoon and I arrive home in a great mood.

John is there, looking pretty good too. He gives a little whistle at me when I come in. "I like the hair, you are going to be turning a few heads tonight.

"Did you get a haircut too?"

"Sure, they have a barber there, so I took advantage of it and got a shave and a haircut."

I reach up and caress his cheek which is super soft and I pull his head down for a kiss. "Mmmm, you smell good too. What did you do with the afternoon?"

"Oh, we went out to see Gamma, visited the horses, and I left Brooklynn out at the house. Corinne said she wanted to take her for the evening, so they were making cookies when I left. We can go get her tomorrow afternoon."

"So we can be as late as we like, and…we have the house to ourselves?" I give him a cheeky grin.

He winks back. "Why yes we do….but, right now we have to get ready for our evening out. The car will be here in about an hour, it's already 6:30."

I look at my watch. "Wow, we really did spend the entire afternoon there. I didn't have dinner."

"There will be food there, and we can go out for a late dinner if you like, I can get us in to Dominics."

We both dress, and he does look sharp in the tuxedo. A custom cut Hugo Boss, in soft, high quality light weight wool. He adds some fancy cufflinks, and a very nice watch I have never seen before and expertly does the bow tie as I slip on my shoes, adding the earrings, pendant and bracelet I received at Christmas.

"Gorgeous, except I am going to change out the pendant for you, you need something just a little bigger with that dress." He pulls out a red velvet jewellery case and opens it, and my mouth drops open a bit.

"That is amazing, where did you get it?" I see the Cartier logo across the inside top of the box.

"This is on loan for tonight, from the Carter collection – Gamma had it pulled out for you to borrow. I think it will look perfect with the dress." He comes around behind me and lays the necklace around my neck gently fastening it, making sure it is well secured. I look in the mirror and cannot believe the image staring back at me. John gives me a soft kiss on the back of my neck then nods. "Beautiful." He takes a quick peek at his watch. "The car should be here."

I put on my new coat, along with a soft cashmere scarf and leather gloves, and John does the same with a dressy coat I have never seen before. He opens the front door for me, then locks it behind us, as I see the limo waiting. He escorts me to the car at the driver opens the door, then assists me into the car, following quickly.

"I don't get to ride in limos very often, in fact…I think this is the first one." I glance over at him, he has one of his cute grins on his face.

"Really? Well, I lost count quite a long time ago, it is a nice luxury though, no waiting in line for the valet."

We arrive in front of the museum, he waits patiently for a moment as the driver comes around curbside and opens the door. He slides out then offers his hand to me, and escorts me up the steps, stopping briefly here and there to say hi and I feel a little blinded as pictures are taken of us arriving. We don't wait long outside though, it is chilly and he skirts the line and goes in a door slightly to the side. "Good evening Dr. Carter." The doorman opens the door promptly and we are inside, a blast of warm air greeting us.

We check our coats, and I note how comfortable he is in public, and I know his grandmother has taught him well. He assists me in removing my coat, then places a hand gently on my back, escorting me through the crowd and into the main part of the museum. I observe how everyone is attired and I am grateful John insisted on buying me the dress, I now know he was pretty accurate in his comment that I needed it if I was accompanying him. He attracts a lot of attention as we move through the throng of people, and he is exceptionally well dressed, I am now glad I am too. People are certainly noticing me, though whether it is my appearance or the fact I am with Millicent Carters grandson or a combination of the two, I am not sure.

"Would you like champagne, or something else to drink?"

I opt for the champagne and he snags one easily off the tray as a waiter stops briefly to offer us glasses. He approaches the bar and gets himself a drink, I am not sure what it is, but he winks. "No alcohol for me tonight, but this drink fools people." I nod, knowing he has been very good about not drinking since that night at the house.

Carter smoothly starts to mingle, greeting people and introducing me as we go. I am totally amazed, he seems to know almost everyone, and they all seem to know him too. He fields inquiries about the new hall, how his grandmother is doing, and effortlessly makes small talk with everyone. This is a side of him I don't think I have ever seen.

"So what are they raising funds for tonight and how much are they raising?" I asked as I sip champagne between groups of people coming up to say hello.

Carter looked over at me "Tonight is for the Symphony Hall, remember New Year's?" I give him a little smile – uh yeah, boy do I ever, but maybe not for the reason he is mentioning – I am sure he is referring to my mother's call and the note in the paper about his grandmother. He continues. "Gamma arranged this a while back, but since she couldn't come, she asked me to fill in. Anyway, I think they are aiming for about 75.

"$75,000?"

He looks over at me with a slight smile "Ummm no, 75 million."

I gave a little cough as I choke on a bit of champagne. "75 million?"

Carter did not get a chance to respond as the speeches started. I stood beside him, with his hand lightly on my back, until they called him up to present the cheque "and now I introduce Dr. John Carter, from the Carter Family Foundation to present a cheque for $10 million dollars towards the new Symphony Hall..

Carter gives my back a light rub, then walks up to the podium to give a brief speech. I just stand there staring at him as he signs a $10 million cheque and poses for some photos. I can barely breathe - $10 million dollars? I knew his family was rich, but…if they could donate that much to a single cause then how many hundreds of millions did his family actually have in assets. Carter never really flaunted his wealth, and it made sense to me why he did not let many people into that side of his life. His had made a joke about a gold digger alarm at one point, which suddenly made a lot more sense, and I was doubly amazed that Carter was not yet married as he surely met a lot of beautiful women who would be more than willing to be his wife. The guy has a lot to offer,

He finishes the speech and as he steps down he has to make a few stops, so I thought I would freshen up in the ladies room, then I went to the bar to get another drink. A very pretty and slightly familiar blond came up beside me.

"Dr. Lewis, I never would have pictured you at one of these events." I try to place her, but I am not sure who she is. "Roxanne Michaelson, you stitched up my finger about a month ago in the ER at Northwestern."

"Oh, right, I remember" The girl had chattered on non-stop that day. I sip my fresh glass of champagne and watch John talking to a small group of people.

She follows my gaze "He's quite the good looking guy, isn't he? I used to date John you know, but I had no idea he was one of _those_ Carters at the time. Sure he dressed nice, but…I would have fought a lot harder to keep him if I had any clue."

"Really, you dated him." Roxanne? Right, _the_ Roxanne we had the fight about after Mark got us going. Well, I guess she is fairly attractive, I could see Carter dating her.

"I did. It was about 3 years ago, I could introduce you, I am sure he would remember me."

I try to keep a straight face – yup, I am sure he would too. "Oh, that's okay…" I start to speak but she cuts me off.

"I should go and say hi - wait he is actually coming over here. I bet he does remember me and wants to talk to me. I wonder if he is dating anyone." I can see her quickly preening as I take another sip of my champagne, then feel John's hand on my bare back. It is so warm and I feel the little shiver go up my spine, his touch on my bare skin sparks something akin to a small electrical current.

He looks into my eyes "Susan, I was wondering where you got to." With that he gives my back a slight rub, then he turns towards the slightly shell shocked and maybe a little embarrassed Roxanne. I can feel her looking me up and down now, her eyes now focus in on the necklace I am wearing and widen a bit. I put my hand on his arm and I see noticing my diamond and sapphire ring, which is nicely catching the light.

"Roxanne, how are you?" He says this in a very normal, polite tone of voice, and I can see her stare at him for a second before she gets over the shock of realizing she just offered to introduce me to someone I clearly already know. And that he was not coming over to speak with her at all, but looking for me.

"I'm good, John, how have you been?" She gives me a quick glance as she says this, probably wondering how well I know him and what I am going to tell him later.

"Pretty well, thanks. You've met Susan Lewis?" He proceeds to make some small talk with her finding out that she married and divorced in the past three years and she came with a friend.

"I had no idea who you were when we were dating, why didn't you ever tell me or bring me to one of these benefits? You always said you weren't in the market for financial advice." She was slightly accusing in her tone.

He shrugs. "Well, I wasn't, I didn't lie about that, and I didn't come to any of these events in the few months we were seeing each other. I don't give everyone a rundown of my family tree, Roxanne."

"But you _are_ Millicent Carter's grandson."

"Yes, I am. It was nice to see you again, I apologize but I do have to speak to a few more people before the end of the evening. Take care Roxanne." With that he leads me away and I look at him in amusement. He looks down at me and I can see he is trying not to laugh. "Stop it Susan." He hisses this under his breath and looks away for a moment still trying to control his laughter.

Fortunately we are interrupted by a few more people who want to talk to John, but he gets pulled away from me for a moment. As I am watching him, a well-dressed man approaches me.

"I don't think we've met." He gives me a big smile, and moves in a little too close.

I turn to look at him just as John reappears and slides his arm around my waist then nods at him. "Richard, how are you this evening."

Richard looks at Carter both trying to figure out how he knew his name and looking annoyed that he now has his arm around me. There seems to be some tension between the two of them as recognition dawns in Richard's eyes. "Oh you're Dr. Carter…we met at one of the other benefits. Wait John Carter - John Truman Carter III? As in the Carter Foundation? And you work with Abby? YOU'RE a friend of Abby's?"

"Yes, that's right." Carter smiles tightly at him, but politely introduces me. "Dr. Susan Lewis, this is Richard Lockhart."

I take a quick look at Carter, and thought _Lockhart – Abby's ex husband?_ "Nice to meet you Richard."

Carter tightens his arm around me slightly "I think it is time to go. Are you ready Susan?"

"Yes, it has been a long day and I am definitely ready to head home. Nice to meet you Richard."

Carter nods at Richard "Enjoy the rest of your evening Richard."

With that John escorts me towards the coat check, and a couple of photographers request pictures. He graciously allows them, keeping me close with an arm around my waist. We then make our escape, our limo pulling up smoothly and the driver hopping out to open the car door. "Dr. Carter."

John nods, and thanks the driver by name, then assists me into the car. "Still up for a little bit of dinner?"

I nod and lean on Carters shoulder as he directs the driver to Dominics. "How do you know Abby's ex-husband?"

"Oh that? A couple years ago my date got the flu and backed out on me at the last minute for an event. Abby was good enough to go with me, and we ended up running into Richard with his date. Abby was a bit embarrassed, as Richard was a condescending jerk. I was not very happy to see him flirting with you tonight I must say."

I take his hand "Well, thanks for rescuing me. He did not look too happy when you walked up and he realized we were together. But I was glad to see you."

Carter laughs "Good to hear it. It has been an interesting night, first Roxanne, then Richard."

"Turns out I did some sutures on her about a month or so ago, and she came up to talk to me. She very kindly offered to introduce me to you, told me she didn't know you were one of _those_ Carters when you dated."

"Ahhh right…I'm one of _those_ Carters, sounds a little familiar. And no, I'm sure she didn't know who I was related to, Gamma and I had a little bit of a falling out at one point and I wasn't visiting her, so they never met. Not that I probably would have introduced them anyway, we only went out for maybe four months in total. You know me, I don't advertise who my family is anyway."

We arrived at the restaurant and went in and were quickly seated. "Kind of like magic, you show up and they just bump you to the head of the line."

"Well, this is my grandmothers favourite place, so they know me really well, I never wait for a table here."

'Really. I'll keep that in mind."

"You should, because once you come in a couple times with me, you'll get the same service."

We have delicious meal, and then are back in the limo heading back to John's house. I am a little tired now, it has been a long day, but kind of fun really. I am surprised how much I enjoyed getting all dressed up and going out with him to the benefit. John helps me out of my coat and hangs it in the closet for me, along with his. I wander slowly up the stairs and throw a look at him over my shoulder with a little raised eyebrow, encouraging him to follow me.

I go into our bedroom and take off my earrings, by that time John is there too. He removes his jacket and tie, dropping them across a chair as he undoes the top two buttons of his shirt. He comes up behind me, sliding an arm around me and pulling me towards him, pushing my hair off my neck to drop gentle kisses on it. I tip my head to the side to allow him more access, he runs kisses down my bare back. I feel little tingles running down my spine, his hands warm and firm on my body. He gently releases the catch on the necklace and steps away for a moment as he puts it back in the box, then helps me with the bracelet as well, which he lays on the dresser along with his cufflinks. We are now facing each other, and I look up into his eyes and I am mesmerized for a moment as he leans down to claim my lips in a very hot and passionate kiss. My body is molded against him and I feel my dress slither off my shoulders and down to the floor, leaving me in the very sexy bra I had tried on at the store with the dress, along with a pair of matching thong panties, which I had found tucked in the bag with the shoes.

I work on the buttons of his shirt, untucking it from his pants and pulling it off him and then working on his belt buckle and pants. The last bits of clothing separating us is soon dispensed with and enjoy the feel of his bare skin under my fingertips, as we end up on the bed. Every touch tonight is soft, gentle and sensual, and I feel very loved and satisfied as he holds me in his arms that night.

I lay beside him and run my fingers through his hair, and gently caress his cheek. "Have I told you today how much I love you?"

"I love you too." The words are soft, as he rests his palm against my cheek then brushes my hair back gently from my face. I fall asleep cuddled close to his warm body, totally content.


	17. Chapter 17

I reach out expecting to find a warm body beside me, but my arm hits empty space. I open my eyes slowly and realize I am alone in the big bed, a glance at the clock tells me it is after 9am, I really slept in. I stretch luxuriously, and close my eyes, then feel a weight on the bed and I can smell fresh coffee.

"Time to wake up." He brushes some hair back from my face and claims my lips, and I remember we have the house to ourselves this morning. I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him down with me, inhaling deeply, he smells so good, even first thing in the morning. He is wearing just a shirt and boxers, I slide my hands under his shirt and start to work it upwards.

"We have all morning, right?" I whisper into his hair once I have accomplished the removal of his shirt.

"Mmmhmmmm, we're invited out for dinner at the house, but we don't have to go until after lunchtime."

I make good use of our morning together, and by the time we are ready to leave I am feeling quite relaxed and happy. As we drive I can't help but reach over and caress his cheek, and run my fingers through his hair – it is still as soft and silky as it was 5 years ago. He glances over at me, then takes my hand and entwines our fingers, holding it for a few minutes as we drive.

When we arrive the house is quiet, but Corinne soon appears. "Dr. Carter, Dr. Lewis, I hope you had a good evening. Brooklynn is up at the stables with Frank, Mrs. Carter is resting."

"I hope she behaved for you Corinne." John gives her a quick hug and she beams at him.

"She is like a little angel, you can bring her out to stay anytime." She affectionately gives John a pat on the arm and disappears off towards the kitchen.

I can't help but smile, he gives me a little smile back. "What?"

"Oh, just….how you are with Corinne, you know you have this picture of how the staff would be expected to behave, but she is quite informal with you in a lot of ways."

"Ahh, well, Corinne has been here a long time, she started with my grandmother when I was quite young, so we have a …..comfort level I guess. You can tell which ones have been here a long time – like Frank. Alger started only a few years ago, when I was already out on my own, so he is a bit more formal. And Corinne loves kids, so she was thrilled to have a little girl to spoil for a few hours."

"So I gathered – having her make cookies with Corinne, I bet that was cute."

"I am sure she got to help with a lot of stuff in the kitchen yesterday, Corinne would have kept her busy. I need to go put this necklace back, so make yourself comfortable." He gives me a little kiss, then disappears through the door going to the lower level of the house, and I wander into the library. I peruse the shelves, finding a couple photo albums, which I pull off the shelf and start flipping through, finding quite a few pictures that look like John, among quite a few other young people. I start to get a bit of an idea of his life, which to me is frankly amazing. There are pictures of him skiing, horseback riding, sailing, and one in particular I am looking at is a huge sailboat with what appears to be a crew, with a notation 'Cape Town, South Africa, 1990.'

"Found the photo albums, did you?"

"I did – you went to South Africa?"

"I crewed on a sailboat one year for the Whitbred, we went a lot of places."

"The what?"

"Oh, it's a open sea 'round the world' sailing race, if you manage the whole thing, it's about 32,000 miles, and takes months to complete – we capsized and lost a whole lot of rigging off the coast of New Zealand, so we didn't get to finish the whole thing."

"You crewed on a sailboat and capsized in the middle of the ocean? What did you do then?"

"Sat on the hull and waited for help. Luckily there were a couple boats not too far behind us, so they were able to split us between the two and take us to the next port – we just jumped in and help them crew. No one got seriously hurt, just a few minor scrapes and bruises, so we were lucky. It's a pretty major deal to win that race, so much can go wrong – you haven't lived until you have hit a squall in the middle of the ocean at night on a sailboat."

"That is really incredible, I had no idea you did that much sailing. And maybe a little frightening too if I think about it."

"I did quite a bit before I went to medical school, then I didn't have time anymore, kind of like I had to give up riding, skiing, and island hopping in the Caribbean." He gives me a little wink, and I remember that is how he spent his summer while I was pining for Susie.

"So who are these people with you skiing?"

"My cousin Chase, and a few of the guys from school, that one is in the Swiss Alps, my friend Jim, his dad always had a chalet there during the winter. Ummm, some of the other ski pictures are in France, and then Aspen, Vail and Tahoe." He points to a really neat picture of a helicopter, and several skiiers on an impressive mountain slope. "That's one of our mornings of Heliskiing, nothing like fresh powder before anyone else gets to it."

I flip a few more pages, which are some great shots of John both alone and with friends, some in tropical locations, and a few obviously different locations in Europe and some that must be Australia. I catch myself thinking that he was just as cute as a teenager as he was as a med student. I finally flip to the last page and there are several of him dressed up with a stunning blond on his arm, some with a limo in the background. "Who's that?"

"My prom date, well, she was my girlfriend at the time, Tiffany."

I roll my eyes, of course a blond named Tiffany. "You know she looks a little familiar."

"Maybe because she came up and talked to us that night at the pub? Or maybe because….she's the mayor's daughter and she has her picture in the paper once in a while?"

I give a little laugh. "The mayor's daughter was your high school girlfriend? But I do remember her now, she came over with…." I search for the name.

"Jim – they're actually married now, I went to their wedding last year."

"Well, you two look like you're having fun with the albums." Millicent enters to room with a smile at us both.

"Yes, looks like John did some interesting trips when he was younger."

"We encouraged the boys to travel while they were younger, in fact I think John needs to start taking Brooklynn on a few trips, does she have a passport yet?"

"No, I have never been able to travel much, so neither of us have passports."

"Well, dear, you should rectify that immediately, John has had a passport since he was very young." She holds out the paper she has in her hands. "I wanted you both to see this picture, Susan, you looked beautiful last night."

I take the newspaper and it is a superb picture of John and I at the benefit. Millicent is also holding a folder in her hands. "I liked the pictures they took so much, I got some copies made. The photographer was gracious enough to share the proofs. I had a copies of my favourites made for you."

John receives the offered pictures taking a look and then shows me the top one. He has his arm resting lightly on my waist, my body is just slightly turned and shows the profile of the dress beautifully. We both have genuine smiles on our faces and look really happy. We flip through the others and some I didn't even know had been taken, but whoever took them did a great job. There is one in particular that catches my eye, caught while we had our one and only chance to dance during the evening. I flash back to the moment, I know he was about to give me a kiss, my head is slightly tilted up towards him, his hand resting lightly on the bare skin of my back, the body language to me is very clear – two people very much in love. The picture almost crackles with chemistry, and I remember feeling lost in his deep brown eyes at that moment.

Millicent sees me looking at the picture and has a little smile on her face, she looks pleased with herself.

Brooklynn appears and takes our attention for a while, then we all have dinner. Soon it is time to go back in to town, we both have work the next day.

I am back at County for a few days, they still seem to be short staffed. Mark and I manage to catch a few minutes and go for a coffee.

Mark and I go out for a walk along the lake, the weather is getting nicer, spring is now in the air.

"So, I heard you got things figured out with Carter? You seem a lot happier."

"Yes, he didn't really break up with me, he was just pissed off and we needed to sit down and talk. I jumped to conclusions I guess, but anyway, I had his house key so I went to his place and just waited for him to get home that night, and we figured things out." I take a sip of my coffee, I am not sure how Mark is going to like what I am going to say next. "I moved in with him, just before Valentine's Day."

Surprisingly, he just nodded and smiled. "So taking the next step, it sounds like you two are serious."

I smile back. "We are getting there for sure. Our relationship feels backwards in some ways, and it is definitely complicated, but we are moving forward."

"Not so complicated though, if you love each other. So, how did he do on Valentine's? No one at County who was there that day had any interest in decorating or celebrating at work, let me tell you that was a bad night." He shook his head. "I can't believe it's been two years." We sit on one of the many benches and look out over the water.

"He was okay, we had to work, which was fine, really, since he has already warned me he still has a hard time with it, but we went out on the 13th. He bought me two dozen red roses, and this." I hold up my right hand and Mark reaches out and slides it off my finger.

Mark inspects the ring, then gives a low whistle. "You have got to be kidding – is this from Tiffany's?"

"It is, came in the little blue box anyway."

"Really? So things _are_ serious with the two of you." Mark raises his eyebrow. "You know, I was looking for a gift for Elizabeth around Valentine's and….you would not believe how much he spent on that, some serious carats, platinum setting."

"Don't even tell me Mark, I suspect it was a lot."

"Yeah, most guys can't even spend that much on an engagement ring, so…..if he ever decides to marry you, it will be interesting to see that ring. Have you guys talked about it?" Mark reaches over and slides the ring back on my right hand.

"What, getting married?" I can't help but smile. "It has come up in conversation, yes."

Mark looks over at me. "Really? Even more serious than I thought then." He points to the diamond pendant I am wearing today. "And I bet he bought you that too."

"And these." I lift my hair to show him the matching diamond studs in my ears.

"The guy likes to give you diamonds, that's a nice feature in a boyfriend. And he can afford it too. Do you love him?"

"Yes, I do love him, if I'm honest, I have for a long time."

"I'm happy for you both. It was hard to accept at first, that you and Carter…well had something back when I had feelings for you. It is hard for me to admit that Susan, even though I have Elizabeth and Ella now, I still felt a little jealous that Carter – well had that kind of relationship with you, even if it was for a short time. Then you come back and I find out you are with him, or with him again, that was even harder to watch, even though I have moved on, I will always love you, you know that right?"

"Mark. I'm sorry if I ever hurt you, but..."

Mark just shook his head. "It's okay, I get that you had feelings for him, and though he seemed to move on pretty quickly, maybe he felt more for you than I originally thought? He must, you two have overcome a lot of obstacles. Anyway, it was difficult to find out that you two had...a child but it seems your little girl has made you happy. Whether it was because you wanted to be a mother, or because it was his child – it made you happy. I'm really sorry that I started that whole thing about the girlfriends, I have always like Carter, and that little bit of jealousy made me do something I'm not proud of Susan. I have a feeling that I…really did some serious damage to your relationship with what I said, and neither of you deserved it."

I sigh softly. "I won't lie Mark, we came really close to breaking up, he had a really bad month right after Christmas, with his mom showing up, his grandmother being in the hospital, Sobricki coming into the ER that day, among a few other things, then I literally let loose on him the moment he walked in the door one night. I could tell he was stressed, but I let myself get crazy, he even told me he couldn't deal with it right then, but…I didn't let it go – and it did create some very serious issues. But we got through it, we were able to talk and deal with it. If he didn't love me as much as he does, we would have been done."

"Is he okay Susan? I would hate to think that anything I did caused him extra stress, especially given the last two years. If I caused him to…" Mark couldn't finish the sentence.

"He is okay, Mark, and he isn't alone either, he has people around him that care and he knows how to ask for help when he needs it, something he didn't do before. He's not in danger of using again, if that is what you are worried about. He won't go down that path, he has way too much to lose, if nothing else, he won't do anything that would hurt his daughter – you know what it is to love your children Mark – you have Rachel and Ella, he feels the same about Brooklynn. He loved her from the moment he knew who she was, and he is so good with her."

"Good, I still find it so hard to think of him as a dad, but – he really is great with kids, I can see him being great with your daughter. I want you both to be happy, Susan, to always be happy. If he makes you happy, then, hold on to him, don't let him go."

I reach over and take his hand. "Thanks Mark, it means a lot. I'm sorry about what happened back then with us, but…I loved him even back then. I knew he wasn't ready for something serious at that point in his life, he was going into a very demanding internship, he still had years to get through his residency. I think he knows he was nowhere ready back then to give me what I needed, but he did love me, I don't doubt it. Now, he is ready for the kind of commitment I want and need, and he can be a father to Brooklynn. It was hard to cut everyone off, but I knew I needed to, especially when I found out I was pregnant. I admit, I…was happy about it, Mark, I wanted to be a mother, I had wanted to adopt Susie, and she was taken away – then like a miracle I was going to have my own baby."

"Have you ever asked Carter what he would have done if he had found out about Brooklynn back then?"

"We've talked about it, of course. He says he would have supported my decision, and he would have helped me however he could, even if I didn't want to carry on our relationship. In hindsight, maybe I should have told him, given him at least the opportunity to be there, but I was just plain scared Mark, and it wasn't fair of me. I took away time he could have been with his daughter, and time she could have had a father. But, I had no way of knowing how he would react, and I also had the fear it would affect our careers – we both worked so hard to get where we were, and I knew he would be a really good doctor some day – and he is, I think emergency medicine suits him, far better than being a surgeon ever would have. He is great with people – I went with him to a benefit thing the other night, and man he can work a room."

"Really. Well I guess that doesn't surprise me, but what benefit did you go to?"

"He filled in for his grandmother, she is still not well, he had to present a cheque from their family foundation for that new symphony hall. I haven't seen that side of him before, but he walked in like he had been doing it his whole life. It was weird, he knew almost everyone in the room, and everyone seemed to know him too. And these are some really influential people, Mark, I couldn't believe who he introduced me to, seriously crazy."

"Well, you had to expect that, he has been doing it his whole life - he went to some fancy private school, with all the other super rich kids. His grandmother supported Carol's clinic in the ER for quite a while too, and it seemed like he was really...I don't know, favoured is maybe the word, by his grandmother."

I give a small laugh. "Millicent admitted to me he is the favourite grandchild, and I can see why. He spent a lot of time with his grandparents when he was younger, while his parents were off traveling the world. He's also named after his grandfather, which might help, even though he's the second son."

"His older brother died quite young right?"

"John was 10, Bobby was 12, he died of AML."

"Right. So, just how much money does he have anyway?"

"I don't know Mark, I haven't asked to see his bank account. I told him not to tell me how much he makes per year or how much he has, I do not want to know. And if I did know, I wouldn't share that information, it's a little personal to be sharing with anyone else, right? You don't share Elizabeth's financial information with anyone."

"So he won't tell you? You might marry the guy, but he won't share that?"

"That's not what I said, Mark – he will tell me if I ask, but I just haven't asked. Or I don't want to ask, I like him just being Carter, if that makes any sense."

"Okay, I get it. Susan, has he told you why he went to Northwestern?"

"Yes, we discussed it, he shared….a lot with me, you know about Atlanta."

Mark looks really relieved. "He told you?"

"Yes, I know about the addiction, the rehab, he told me the story, so you don't have to watch what you say."

"I was hard on him when he came back, but really, a lot of it was guilt on my part. The night he got stabbed I had left early to go on a date, and everyone else was partying with loud music while he apparently went to check on Lucy. So no one heard a thing. I have no idea how long those two were in there, but….you know he came so close to dying, Susan. Probably within minutes, they were both unconscious and there was a lot of blood on the floor in that room." Marks voice is a little shaky.

"You couldn't have known Mark."

"But if everyone around them had been doing their jobs, not off partying, it might now have happened. We are supposed to watch out for each other, work as a team, and it didn't happen that night."

I reach over and put my hand on his shoulder. "You can't blame yourself."

Mark just shakes his head and continues. "When he came back from rehab, I thought he came back too soon and I was quite hard on him, I think one of the reasons he went to Northwestern is that I was less than welcoming. He could tell, I didn't trust him for a long time, but again I felt guilty that I missed the signs – my dad was really sick and he died during that time, I was….busy with my own life. I let Carter tell me he was fine, when I knew he wasn't. We should have made counselling mandatory for him right after it happened – he admitted to me that he felt at partially responsible for Lucy dying, he had started smoking, it didn't look like he was sleeping properly. Chen even told me she was worried about him, but I just couldn't believe it of him, so I let it slide, and I really wish I hadn't – that I had helped him sooner. I am glad we brought Benton into the loop, otherwise we would have lost him, Susan, and that has bothered me. Carter walked out, and Peter went after him, and somehow got him on the plane, he went with Carter and made sure he got there. Kerry and I were just going to put him on a plane by himself, but Peter told me Carter was already going into withdrawal by the time they got on the plane, and there was no way he was letting him go by himself. Peter has a real soft spot for Carter, strange but it's like somewhere along the way he became Carter's big brother or something. Anyway, the way we handled everything with him was wrong."

"I don't think he holds anything against you Mark, I know he wasn't happy about the Chief Resident position, that it was offered to him only after some incident that led to Chen quitting, but…you personally? He doesn't seem to be blaming anyone. Can I ask Mark, what is going on with you? It seems like there is something bothering you, you seem really worried about me, and about Carter."

Mark stares out over the water, finally turning towards me. "Just, having a few issues with Elizabeth after the whole thing with Ella and Rachel. I care a lot about both you and Carter, and I want you to be happy. And I want you to know, that despite what went on a couple years ago, I think he is good for you. You look happy, Susan."

"Thanks Mark, I really am."

At that, we go back to finish our shifts, and it all goes well until Mark bites his tongue.

"Owww." He exclaims.

"Here let me take a look at that." I pull him aside into one of the empty rooms and ask him to stick his tongue out, which he does but I think he is kidding around because it is over to one side. "Come on Mark, out straight."

"I am!"

"No, you're not, quite fooling around." Just as the words come out I realize that he is not kidding around, and what this could mean.

He turns to the mirror and sticks his tongue out again, but it goes to the side, I see the worry in his face.

"Could be nothing, don't worry – here, just put a bit of pressure on it." I hand him a piece of gauze, which he takes and uses on his tongue.

Mark is distracted for the rest of the day, then he disappears for a while, coming back even more distracted.

"Hey lets go for a coffee." We are putting our thing away after the shift, but he shakes his head.

"It's back Susan." His voice is barely a whisper. "I need to go to New York for a few days, to see my specialist. Please don't tell anyone, not even Carter."

I spend the next couple days in a bit of a haze, worried about Mark, which makes Carter concerned about me. We are in the kitchen tidying up after dinner, when he gives me a little rub on the arm. "Susan, are you okay? I don't think you heard a word I said."

"Sorry what?"

"I just said that there was a message from the school, we have an interview with Brooklynn next week. We will have to check our schedules so we can both go." Carter and I had sat down and discussed options for our daughter in the fall and picked a private school we both liked, and now we were at the application stage. I had been a bit uncomfortable with the idea at first, but I talked to a few people, including Rachel, who thought it was a good idea. In fact she kind of thought I was crazy to even think about turning down the opportunity, it was one of the highest ranked schools in town, and she was amazed that we could afford the tuition. Typical Carter, he was being low key about his money, though Rachel was starting to get the idea that he was fairly well off – especially after she saw the benefit pictures.

_"Wow Susan, you two look amazing, I love that dress, where did you get it? And that necklace, are those….real diamonds?"_

_I named the boutique where Carter bought me the dress and Rachel raises her eyebrows. "The necklace is Cartier, so I am sure it is real."_

_"You have a necklace like that from Cartier?" She scans my finger again, I am wearing my ring, as I do every day._

_"No, John's grandmother lent it to me."_

_"Uh huh, and you two are thinking of sending Brooklynn to that private school, John is part of some Foundation that gives away millions of dollars and he buys you a fancy diamond and sapphire ring for Valentines. You are a lucky woman, better keep hold of him, he spoils you doesn't he?"_

_"Oh you have no idea, he is pretty great. Don't worry, I don't intend to let him go, ever."_

_Rachel gasps when she sees the picture of us dancing. "Wow that is some picture, you two have some great chemistry, don't you? When he asks you to marry him, you should get this photographer to do the engagement announcement picture."_

_"Don't get ahead of yourself there Rachel, I'm not sure we're there yet."_

_"Oh, I don't know about that – look at the two of you, the perfect match. You look just….so in love in this picture, how could anyone miss it?"_

"Earth to Susan." John is leaning against the counter, and I shake myself out of the daydream.

"Sorry, I'm…just kind of tired. I'll check my schedule when we are done here." I sneak a look at him, he has a concerned look on his face.

"Are you sure you're okay? You've been kind of weird the last few days. Is there something bothering you? If there is, you know we can talk about it, right?"

"I know, but really, I'm okay, it's just been busy with work." I step over and put my arms around him, leaning my head on his chest, and he pulls me close, holding me tight. We stand there for a few minutes, then I tip my head up and kiss him. "I think I just need to get to bed early."

My shift the next morning is at 6am at County, so I have to be up before 5am in order to get there on time. Carter is at Northwestern, and is working 5-5 so he is already gone by the time I get up. The nanny arrives at 5:30am, and I jump on the El, arriving shortly before 6, just in time to get a coffee.

Mark is back and not looking so great, so I manage to talk to him during the morning.

"How did New York go?" I whisper, I don't want anyone to know what is going on.

"Not good, they can't operate, the only option is Gamma Knife, so I have to go for my first treatment today."

"Shouldn't you be taking the day off?"

"I don't want to sit around and do nothing, Susan." He grabs a chart and takes off to see his next patient. Later in the afternoon he disappears for a while, then he is back, but not looking well. I keep my eye on him, then on my way out, find him in the ambulance bay sitting on the bench.

"You should go home Mark."

"I'm going, I just need to sit for a while."

"Isn't Elizabeth going to take you home?"

"She doesn't know, we are having trouble with Rachel here…you know the whole drug thing with Ella."

"I have the car, so I'll take you – do you have someone staying with you tonight?"

He shakes his head.

"Okay, let's go." I help him up and get him settled in the SUV.

"This is a nice car, how did you manage to get your hands on it?"

"It's Carter's of course, how would I ever afford at BMW. Get real Mark."

"Ahhh, right, silly me, of course it belongs to boyfriend. Thanks Susan, for taking me home."

I get him into his house, and make him some soup, which he can't eat. He is feeling really unwell at this point, and I just let him lay down and put his head in my lap, covering him with a blanket. I watch tv for a while, then doze off as well, not waking up until around 2am. And I realize I haven't called home.

I carefully slide from under Mark and pull out my phone, and there are a lot of missed calls. And several messages, of course John is really worried, I should have been home hours ago.

I dial his cell phone.

"Susan? Are you okay? I have been trying to reach you for hours." He answers right away.

"I'm all right, I just lost track of time, fell asleep actually."

"Are you on your way home?"

"No, I'll be home in the morning, okay?"

"Where are you?"

"At Mark's house." This is met with dead silence. "John, he just needed a friend tonight, okay?"

"I don't know quite how to respond to that Susan, you fell asleep at Mark's house? You don't call until 2am to tell me you're not coming home, and you've been acting weird all week, and Mark is apparently having marriage issues. Is there something else I need to know here?"

"It's not like that, I promise, can we talk about it after work? I have another early shift tomorrow, but I'll be home by 7pm."

"I'm on nights, so I won't be home until 7am the next morning." I can hear the frustration in his voice. "I hate being at separate hospitals. I'll come by during your shift, maybe we can have a chance to get a coffee. You're for sure going to be home though? I need to let Louisa know if you're not going to be here."

"I promise….John, I love you, you don't need to worry, I'm sorry for not calling earlier, but nothing is going on between me and Mark."

"I love you too, Susan, I've been really worried about you."

"I'm fine, get some sleep." We hang up and I sigh, just what I did not need, getting Carter worried – I have been distracted this week, he knows the Mark history, I want to make sure he knows it's not what he thinks, but I also promised Mark I wouldn't tell anyone.

I curl up on the other couch after checking on Mark, he is sleeping but tossing and turning a bit. Finally at about 5 am he wakes up and I take a quick shower then go to the hospital, opting to wear a scrub top. I call and ask Carter to bring me some fresh clothes when he comes down, he sounds less than happy this morning, but he was up late worrying about me, and had to get up early with our daughter.

He shows up around 11am, we have just had a major trauma come in, so he jumps in and helps for a few minutes, and makes a really incredible save. He assisted Pratt, one of the new and overly confident med students, who almost killed the patient, and would have if John had not overridden his orders. Haleh was the nurse in the trauma, so she took his orders over Pratt's – Pratt was really angry, but Haleh told him Carter was way more experienced and senior to him and knew what he was doing after 8 years in the ER.

John talks to Weaver for a few minutes while he is waiting for me to change, I come into the lounge as she is saying "I wish you would consider coming back here John, I know I should have offered you the Chief Resident position from the start. We need good doctors, we are always short, and the med students need a lot of training, as you saw today." She stops talking as she sees me.

"It's okay Kerry, you can say what you need to in front of Susan."

"I think I'm done, please consider it – Attending with tenure track. And nice save today."

"I have that at Northwestern too, I'm not sure I want to come back. But I'll think about it."

Kerry leaves the lounge and we look at each other for a minute, then I step into his arms and snuggle close to him. "I'm really sorry about last night, you must not have gotten a lot of sleep, I meant to call earlier, but I couldn't get to my phone, then I fell asleep."

He tips my head up so he can look in my eyes "So what is going on?"

"Mark just needed a friend last night, and I promised I wouldn't say anything about what is going on with him, so can you just…please trust me?"

"That's it? Just needed a friend?" He sounds annoyed, and maybe….a little jealous? I can also see it in his eyes.

"Yes, please, just let it go. Nothing happened, John, I promise and I'll be home tonight. Remember how you needed me to trust you? Well, now I need you to trust me. I love you and I wouldn't do anything to interfere with what we have. Can you trust me?"

He looks into my eyes, and I feel mesmerized, the little shiver that goes down my spine when I am close to him like this. I press myself up against him, and we are kissing, my arms around his neck.

"Ah hem." Someone clears their throat behind us. "You two really need to get a room." I can feel myself blush as I turn, Pratt is standing there with a cocky grin on his face. "Northwestern must be a lot slacker than here, if they let the Chief Resident and the Attending make out in the lounge."

"Let's go get a coffee." I grab John's hand and we leave, with Pratt smirking. I hear his comment which is under his breath.

"Oh, 'getting coffee', _that's_ what they call it."

We head up to the roof "So, you trust me?"

"Yes, I trust you. I wish you would tell me more, but I guess that will have to do for now." He slides an arm around my shoulders and we look out over the city for a few minutes, then suddenly both our beepers are ringing. I look at mine.

"911 ER." I turn and head for the door.

"I've got 911 from Northwestern. Must be something big." He gives me a quick kiss, then we separate and go on our way, he is pulling out his cell phone and hitting the speed dial for work.


	18. Chapter 18

The past few days have been really hectic at work, it turned out the day we were called back to the respective ER's there was a major pileup on the expressway. Carter had to get on a helicopter and go on site, which turned out to be a very long day for him - it was extremely draining for both of us. I found out that he has been on scene a few times now, but he handles it well, though I don't know how he managed when he went out to a train derailment a couple years ago. Apparently Elizabeth had been on scene, and she started having contractions just as she started a field amputation and they had to bring her back to County. That left Carter to finish the double leg amputation by himself, with just a little radio help from Benton. I can't even imagine having to amputate limbs, never mind at an accident scene, at night, when you have never done one before. His extra year of residency, due to his year in surgery has really paid off, I have a growing respect for him as a doctor.

Today we both are off for a few hours, as we are going for the school interview. I adjust my skirt and take a quick last look in the vanity mirror on the passenger side of the car, then flip the visor up. I am really nervous, which is kind of silly, this is just a school. But, it is a private school and I have no experience with these things, I don't remember needing an interview to go to school. Carter however, does not think this is strange at all, and of course, his family has a lot more experience with this stuff than me, so I am going along with whatever he says, for now anyway.

Carter looks great, as he always does, he is in one of his expensive suits and looks as if he totally fits in as we walk in the door. I bought myself something new too, it is hard to go out with Carter for these kinds of things without updating my wardrobe - the guy knows how to dress. I finally broke down and used the credit card he gave me, I took his advice and went back to see Anne at the boutique where we bought my dress, and she came through with the perfect outfit. Brooklynn looks adorable in a little dress, and is excited to see the school.

We walk in and the first thing I notice is – everything is really nice, its bright, its clean, well decorated and the few kids I see are all in uniform attire. This is luxurious compared to the dumpy little school I went to for the elementary grades.

"Wow, look at this place." I whisper to him.

John glances around and gives me a smile, but he doesn't seem surprised by how nice it is - then of course he did go to a fancy expensive school himself. He simply takes my hand and strolls into the office, calm as can be.

The receptionist looks up and smiles. "Can I help you sir?"

Wow, so polite and friendly. "Yes, we have an appointment with the principal, Ms. Meyers. John Carter, and Susan Lewis.

The receptionist is now very interested, as soon as she hears our names, she is immediately on the phone, and quite quickly one of the office doors opens.

"Dr. Carter, Dr. Lewis, I'm Gina Meyers, principal of the academy. Please come in."

Carter lets me proceed him into the room, I take Brooklynn's hand and lead her into the office with us. Gina Meyers asks us to take a seat, and she starts to chat with John right away.

"So Dr. Carter…"

"Please, John and Susan is fine."

They chat a bit for a while, she mentions a few names that John seems to know, it sounds like a few of the kids attending the school are children of John's previous classmates, and I start to wonder if he actually went to this school himself. It soon becomes clear he didn't but the principal asks a couple questions that makes me very sure - she knows about his family.

The interview goes quite well, one of the teachers takes Brooklynn, while we talk about the programs at the school, hours, extra curricular activities, and of course we talk about the tuition, and required bond that needs to be presented, funds that will stay in trust until she leaves the school. The amount of the tuition almost makes my heart stop - how can we ever afford that much - but John doesn't even blink, he just nods and asks more questions. By the end, I am in a cold sweat, but John is calm, thanks Ms. Meyers and lets her know we will discuss things, and she lets us know she would love to welcome us to the school.

John opens my door and then gets Brooklynn into the back of the car. He pulls out of the lot.

"So? What did you think?"

"That's a lot of tuition, John, are you sure we shouldn't look for something else?"

"The real question is, whether or not you like the school, Susan. I'll make a few calls, I took note of the names she mentioned, a lot of the people I know, they have kids in the school and I will find what they think. My grandmother asked around too, lots of the ladies in her social circle have grandkids there, and all the feedback has been positive."

"How can we afford it though, and what if." I was about to say what if we have more kids can we send them too, but I am not sure I should say it.

"What if?" I can feel his eyes on me briefly before he turns back to the road.

"Can we talk about the what if later?" I glance over my shoulder at Brooklynn, who seems not to be paying attention, but she is kind of like her dad – he can multitask, listening to a patient while recording and diagnosing, reading charts while listening to babbling med students, and jump from trauma room to trauma room, keeping everything straight on what is happening with each patient. She is an extremely bright kid and picks up on things quickly – John has been working with her, and she is already reading, doing some writing and simple math. She must get it from him, I don't think I did any of those things before I was 5. Then again, some days it was lucky that Cookie even fed us dinner - she was definitely not mother of the year.

"Ahhh, so maybe we should talk about going for ice cream instead."

He gives me a mischievous smile as Brooklynn perks up. "Ice cream?"

I roll my eyes at him, but I know we can take up the what if discussion later.

We stop for ice cream, then take a walk down by the lake, today is a little warmer and he holds my hand as we walk, Brooklynn skips ahead then sees the park, and she is off to the swings.

So….what if?" The guy does not forget, and he is not letting me off the hook. He picks up our conversation quickly.

I don't answer right away, so he stops walking once we reach the park and turns me towards him. "Well? Come on it can't be that big of a what if." He watches Brooklynn play on the swings for a moment, then turns his deep brown eyes back to me.

I feel a little nervous and I don't know why, maybe because we haven't really talked much about having another child. He is still looking at me, waiting patiently.

I take a breath. " It is a fairly big what if though...I kind of want to…have another baby at some point, what if we can't afford to send another child to that school?"

"Ahhh, I see." He gives me a smile.

"You don't want to have another baby?"

"Sure, I would love to have more kids." Kids – plural? "It's just that, it would never be a problem to send another child to that school. We have the money, it's not an issue."

I have done the math, even if she only goes to private school for the lower grades, it is a ton of money, I could buy a house with that much money. Multiply it by two children, if we have another one...just the thought makes me hyperventilate.

John is watching me and I think he sees the panic in my eyes. "Don't worry, remember Gamma will help out if needed."

"We can't spend all her money, John."

He actually laughs out loud at this comment. "Yeah, like that could even happen – well maybe if we bought a couple private jets or something, but otherwise, not happening."

"Okay, so she has the money, but is it right to take money from her, she's retired. Anyway what does that mean, we couldn't possibly spend all her money, she can't have that much money." Can she?

"Okay, Susan, this is what you told me you didn't want to hear, but you know what? You are going to hear it anyway." He drops his voice so no one else at the park can overhear. "She earns enough interest on a daily basis to pay for that school for the entire year, even if we decide to have another kid. Actually, she probably made enough interest in the time we are having this discussion to pay for the entire school year. More to the point, she offered it, I didn't ask."

"Just like that, she offered what will really amount to hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years, to provide an education for our daughter."

"For her great grandchild. You might not understand this, your family was very different, my family has the means to do this kind of thing, so that is what they do, it is not out of the ordinary believe me. Gamma wants to ensure the best possible education for Brooklynn. Just like she paid for Chase and I to go to school, and she paid for Bobby's too, until he died - my parents probably could have, but my grandparents were the ones who had the real money, and they funded our schooling, by their choice."

I never got to see inside John's parents house, but I have seen it from the outside and though not quite on the level of Millicent's it was still pretty spectacular, and I have a hard time believing they didn't have 'real' money, but then I don't know all the dynamics of the Carter family. Especially since they sold the house, as they are never in Chicago. "So that huge house you grew up in - your parents didn't have real money? You're kidding right?"

"Not compared to what my grandparents had, which is now all in the hands of my grandmother. What you have to understand is that every time there is a new baby Carter, they get a trust fund. This started with my great grandparents, the funds were passed down to my grandparents, they designed it to keep the money within the Carter family. Like the Foundation, Gamma is the President, and as such, she controls the majority of the family wealth, when she steps down, another Carter is supposed to take over as President, and they will control pretty much every dollar of it."

"So your dad?"

"Probably. Roland is never around, haven't seen him in years, so dad is the likely person."

Something just hit me about what he said. "Every new baby gets a trust fund? Are you telling me...that our daughter has a trust fund?"

"Yes. Gamma holds the funds under her name, just like she holds mine, they passed to her when my grandfather died. She set it up, when she found out she had a great grandchild - it was automatic, and Brooklynn will get payments when she needs them - mine started when I was 21 - until then I was mostly living between my parents and my grandparents houses while I went to medical school."

"I never even thought...is that what you meant by entitlements, you know at New Years?"

"That's part of it, sure, it is tradition for lack of a better word. Another part is having your education paid for - Gamma has some funds in a special trust, she used the interest on that to cover school for Chase and I, and including our post secondary – so his degree, and my medical school and she didn't even touch the principal. It is still there and growing, we can draw off the interest as needed to pay for school for Brooklynn or any other children we may have. I didn't know about the fund until very recently, Gamma only told me because she wants me to use the money to educate my children. And right now, Brooklynn is the only great grandchild."

My mouth kind of drops open and I stare at him for a second. "So she has a fund that could take her right through post secondary, even if she decided to become a doctor or something like that."

"Right. Worst case I make enough interest off my trust fund and investments to pay for the entire school year in…I don't know, a few days I guess, if we need more income, I just ask to get my monthly draw increased, by the next month, I earn more money. How do you think I own my house, can buy a car for cash? I pulled some of my interest earnings, didn't even touch the principal. You know, I didn't take anything off my trust for a couple years, when my grandmother and I had our falling out, I stopped taking money, and lived off my salary from the hospital, and in that time I earned a lot of interest, I have some financial geniuses in my family, my grandparents took what my great grandfather started and multiplied it many times over.

"You had enough interest earnings to buy your house in cash. I am scared to even ask how much you paid for the house."

"You must have some idea how much the properties are worth in the area – you don't live in a bubble, do you?"

"Alright, I have a bit of an idea, I just don't know for sure, I have never even thought I could own a house, I'm still paying my student loan."

"Are you?" I am not sure I understand that comment, until I realize that…..I have had a lot more money in my account recently, he didn't, did he?

"Are you telling me….you did not pay off my loan. Did you?" I can see the look on his face, and realize I need to call my bank, and check my loan balance.

He shrugs "I might have done something like that, you know, you leave your statements just kind of laying around….and like I said….a few days interest Susan. And you didn't even notice."

"I guess without paying rent and a bunch of the other things like daycare, I suddenly had more funds, I didn't notice my loan payment wasn't coming out." I give him a huge hug. "You didn't have to do that, but…thank you." I don't know what else to say, the balance was going down, but it was still fairly significant according to my last statement.

"You're welcome. And I wanted to – I told you before, you took care of our daughter for over 4 years without help, now no matter what, you are in a better financial position. And since we are talking about it….you know if something were to happen to me, my grandmother would make sure you had everything you need, but it won't be an issue anyway, I have updated my will, my trust fund would go to Brooklynn, and you would get the house, the car, plus a monthly payment for expenses. My grandmother and I have discussed it and she is in agreement with everything I have done, so there wouldn't be any issues with my family.

I can't believe what I am hearing. "You talked to your grandmother and...your house? You would leave that to me."

"Of course, I can't take it with me, and trust me, I have come close enough to dying to know there are no guarantees in life. I have the assets and I want to make sure you and our daughter would be taken care of if something happened."

I glance over at Brooklynn who is still on the swings. "Well, we can hope nothing does happen. I don't want to be without you." I lean on his shoulder and he puts an arm around me.

"I don't want to be without you either, but we are prepared, and you need to know that. Anyway, did you like the school, knowing that affordability is not and never will be an issue, even if you decide you want a baseball team?"

"Ha ha, John, no way, I don't want that many kids. I did like the school, but make the calls and let me think about it some more."

"Sure...just out of curiosity, how many kids did you want?"

"One more would be nice, after that? I don't know, guess we will have to wait and see, you know, when we are ready to have one. You?"

"One or two more probably."

It is starting to cool off, so we call Brooklynn and walk towards home.

Carter is working nights, so he changes and has to leave, and I spend some time with Brooklynn, then get her into bed. I was still covering in the County ER, but on the day shift. Fortunately we had a bit of an overlap and he was home a couple hours before I left.

I heard the shower, then his weight in the bed, he was trying to be really quiet, but I rolled over as he crawled between the sheets.

"Hi" I whispered.

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you up." He said this softly

"It's okay, I was kind of awake anyway. Work okay?"

"Busy, multiple MVA's, but I still got out on time, which is amazing. How was your night."

"Good, I have Louisa coming in a couple hours, so you can get some sleep." I lay my palm on his cheek, then slide it around into his hair sliding close to him for a kiss.

A couple hours later I arrived at work, Mark was just heading upstairs for another treatment. He still had not told Elizabeth, and I was getting concerned.

Elizabeth must be worried about Mark to, she finally cornered me.

"Susan, what is going on with you and my husband?"

"Nothing, I'm not sure what you mean."

"You seem to be spending a lot of time with him lately, I know you and Carter had some sort of fight the other day. Was it over you spending time with Mark?"

"Who told you Carter and I were fighting? We're not, and nothing is going on with Mark."

"Just tell me where he is Susan. I deserve to know."

I sigh, she is not going to go away, and really, Mark needs to tell her, she is his wife. If I kept something like this from Carter, he would go ballistic and same if he kept it from me. "Elizabeth, think about it, what would Mark want to protect you from? Where would he go, that he wouldn't want you to know?" I see the light dawn in her eyes, and she looks a little ill.

"Thank you Susan, I won't let him know I found out from you."

She turns and disappears.

Over the next few days, it becomes generally known Mark is sick. Carter happens to find out as he comes in one day to bring me coffee and overhears Kerry at the admit desk. He finds me in the lounge and comes over to give me a hug.

"I just heard about Mark. Susan, why didn't you tell me that is what was going on?"

"Mark didn't want me to tell anyone, I'm sorry, I just couldn't."

"It's okay, I understand."

It is only matter of a couple weeks, and I can see things are not going well with Mark. Carter has come in to cover off a bit as the ER is desperately short, Mark is trying, but he can't do everything he used to, he is visibly struggling. Mark comes by the desk and chats with Carter, they discuss some patients, and Carter walks him out. It is nice to see over the last while that Carter and Mark seem to be really comfortable around each other again. I heard Carter tell the new med student, Pratt, what a great teacher Mark is, that he learned a lot from him and I know he really does appreciate Mark. When Carter comes back in, he looks - a little sad and I wonder what is going on, something about Carters body language is bothering me. Typically though, we have a trauma come in, and I can't talk to him right away.

I catch up to him later. "Are you okay? You looked bothered about something when you came in earlier."

He silently shakes his head and rubs his hands across his face.

"It's Mark, isn't it." My worst fears are confirmed by the look on his face.

"He told me I should come back to County, they need me here, I need to 'set the tone'."

I stare at him for a minute. "He's not coming back, is he?"

Carter shakes his head. "I don't think so Susan, he seems to be…at peace almost. I think he is stopping treatment for good, it was making him pretty sick – I can't say I blame him, I remember watching Bobby, and watching Mickey, I don't know if I could put myself, or anyone else through it for the sake of maybe a month or two."

"Are you going to transfer back?"

"I don't know Susan, Northwestern has been a good move. I guess it is something we need to talk about, I wouldn't even consider it without us figuring things out - we both have tenure track at Northwestern."

We leave this conversation open for later, we have a trauma come in and Carter is pulled in to manage it. I jump in to help, and really watch him work – he truly has become the great doctor I always knew he could be.


	19. New York

It turns out we were right, Mark has left County for good, and he has taken Rachel to Hawaii, wanting to spend some time with her. He knows it is only a matter of a few months, if he is lucky to live that long, and he needs to try and help her. She's been very troubled these past few years, with the separation and divorce, Jenn being busy with her law career. I'm sad, he was a good friend and a great teacher, he will be missed. I never thought the day would come when he wouldn't be here.

John and I are both back a Northwestern the next week, and as I'm heading in to the hospital, I see quite a few missed calls on my phone.

I listen in disbelief to the message on my phone twice.

_"Auntie Susan, it's Susie, mommy is sick and I'm scared, help me."_

I immediately try to call Chloe, I try her cell phone and the home phone, plus I try to call Joe, but I can't reach any of them. I try every few minutes for the next hour, then pull Carter away from a patient, as the tears start to fall.

"Susan, what is wrong, you look really upset about something." I play the message for Carter. He suggests I call the police and I do, at first they downplay it, maybe the reason I can't reach anyone is they have gone on vacation. But I keep at them and after some time they are able to trace the call to New York. This being out of their jurisdiction, they put me in touch with one of the precincts in New York.

Again, I get a run around, the officer taking the complaint, someone named Boscorelli, says it is too early to consider them missing. I'm frantic by this time, and I find John, pulling him away from his patient as my tears start to fall.

"I think I need to go to New York, I just can't sit here waiting."

"What did the police say?"

"Not much really, they kept telling me there is nothing they can do – they aren't taking me seriously, but Susie wouldn't have left that message if everything was okay."

"Let's get on a plane out there"

"I've got a shift starting in like 10 minutes, and I can't find anyone to cover. What am I going to do, Susie's in trouble."

Carter gives me a hug and wipes away a stray tear from my cheek. "My shift is just finishing, so as much as I want to come with you, I'll stay and cover your shift, and you're getting on a plane."

"That's a lot of hours, but thank you."

"Nothing I haven't done before – I've pulled doubles lots of times." Carter grabs the phone and quickly dials. "Hi, it's John Carter, Katie Wisher please. Fine thanks, yes I need the next flight to New York….no Dr. Susan Lewis, yes you have her information from New Year's. And book her a hotel room, yes the usual. When? Okay, she will be on her way to O'Hare , I know I'll tell her. Thanks!" Carter looks at me. "Okay so you have a seat on the next flight out of O'Hare to New York on United."

He was dialing another numbers as he spoke. "Henry, can you get Corinne to pack a bag for Dr. Lewis. Enough for a couple days, casual clothes….New York City. Can you have her do it right now and give it to Alger and have him meet her at the United check in at O'Hare….next flight….less than 2 hours. Have her to pack me one too, but have Alger bring it to the hospital, I have to cover for Susan here. Thanks Henry." Carter hung up. "If you go now, you can make it. We'll also book you a room at the Plaza, it's pretty central to downtown. When you get off the flight, look for a driver, they will have a sign with your name, and can take you wherever you need to go. Let me know where you are, I will get there as soon as I can, and watch for Alger when you get to the United check in, he's bringing you a bag."

Carter pulls me into the lounge and takes out his wallet, handing me a fairly large wad of cash. "Here is some cash for anything you need, I know you don't carry very much. Let's get you in a cab, you have less than 2 hours to make this flight. You have the credit card I gave you right?"

I nod "It's in my wallet."

"So use it for anything you need, to check in to the hotel, food, anything, okay?"

I grab things from my locker and he calls for a taxi while I gather everything. "Susan, it's going to be okay, and I'll get there as soon as I can. I'll get Rosen to have our shifts covered for a couple days."

"John, thank you, I'm so worried about Susie, thank you for arranging this so quickly."

He goes out with me and opens the taxi door, giving me a hug. "I'll be there soon, Susan. Call me and let me know how things are going, I'll keep my cell phone on."

My trip through O'Hare is rushed, but Alger meets me with an overnight bag -luckily we each keep a good supply of clothes and personal items out at the house. This saved me a lot of time, not having to go home and pack anything. I land in New York, fortunately John had even booked me first class, so I was able to disembark quickly and find my driver. I see the driver holding up a sign, he greets me and I request we go directly to the police station.

I locate the detective I was talking to on the phone, and he is just as arrogant in person, but his partner turns out to be a little more approachable.

"Bosco, she is a doctor from Chicago, and she has good reason to think her niece is in danger, let's see what we can find." Officer Yokas is not taking no for an answer. Bosco gives in, but it has taken me a while to convince them, and I feel like the clock is ticking.

"Isn't it important to find kids in the first 24 hours." I implore them, I'm all but begging for their help. Yokas nods and leads me to the car.

"Don't worry Dr. Lewis, I'm sure she will turn up."

We start driving and they ask me questions, and I when mention Chloe is a recovered drug addict they start to take me more seriously.

"Why didn't you say that before?" Boscorelli snipes at me.

I felt like yelling at him - because you weren't listening or asking the questions!

"So you're a doctor - what area of medicine?" Yokas makes some conversation as we drive.

"Emergency, I work in the ER, mainly at Northwestern in Chicago, though I did most of my residency at County."

This seems to gain me a bit more respect, Officer Yokas is actually pretty nice, I don't know how she puts up with Bosco, as she calls him.

We cruise through a a pretty seedy area of town and they start checking with dealers, Bosco is a bit rough with a few of them, but we track down the motel room Chloe was in, and there are a few of Susie's things in the room. There is drug paraphernalia and the two officers share a look. Neither Chloe or Susie are there and though they downplay their concern, I can see the officers are both worried, if Chloe went to score, and took Susie with her, she has likely gone to a very rough area of town.

We track Chloe and finally found her in an abandoned bus, – and have to call an ambulance, she has overdosed. They let me ride along, but won't let me touch her since my medical licence is for Illinois, not New York. By now we have been looking for hours, and I'm worried, exhausted and cannot seem to get warm despite my heavy coat.

My cell phone rings, and it's John, he has just landed in New York. "Any luck finding Susie?"

"No, I'm at the hospital with Chloe, they are working on her now, she's using again. Susie wasn't with her." I give him the name of the hospital and hope he's with me soon.

"We'll find her Susan. Okay, just finding my driver so I'll be there really soon. I love you."

I'm so relieved when John comes in the door. He pulls me into his arms and I burst into tears "John, she's using heroin again, and Susie's stuff was there but we can't find her. She's just a little girl, what am I going to do."

He lets me rest against his chest, hugging me and stroking my hair as I soak the front of his shirt. I cry until there is nothing left but a few choking sobs. "Susan it's okay, shhhhh it's okay, I know you are worried. Let me talk to the officers, and I will see if I can find out anything. Have you had anything to eat or drink? You look exhausted and you are freezing." He takes off his coat and wraps it around my shoulders, which calms me a bit, the coat is still warm and carries the scent of his aftershave. "I'll be right back, I'm just going to see what is going on."

He approaches Yokas and Boscorelli, and I can tell Bosco doesn't like being questioned, but John is almost toe to toe with him and doesn't back down. John has shown up well dressed as usual, and I think Bosco has an immediate defensive attitude towards him - he can tell John comes from old money, and is used to getting what he wants. However, John has a way with people, and he gets Yokas on his side quickly, so Bosco backs down a bit, and John seems to be able to break through his tough shell. They shake hands and John comes back to where I am sitting.

He sits and puts an arm around me. "They have everyone on alert and searching for her, as soon as she is lucid enough we will all go in and see Chloe."

"What was going on over there?"

"What, with that Bosco guy? Oh, the usual assumptions, he did a snap judgement and really has something against rich people I guess, but we came to an understanding. He's okay, he thought I was going to tell him how to do his job, once he understood we are both on the same side, he cooled off. Relax here for a minute, I and going to talk to her doctor and see how long it might be to see Chloe."

He goes to the desk and asks to speak with Chloe's doctor, he points over to me, and has a bit of a discussion, then comes back. "We'll be able to see her in a couple minutes. Can I get you something? Maybe a coffee or tea, something to eat?"

"Just some tea, that would be nice." He is taking care of me, and I appreciate it. He is so calm under pressure, I wish he had been able to come with me earlier, but someone needed to cover my shift.

"I'll be back in a couple minutes." He disappears, but true to his word he is back quickly with a large tea for me and a coffee for himself. He puts an arm around me and I lean against him and close my eyes. This is like a terrible nightmare, Susie, missing in New York.

It seems like forever, but the doctor comes to get us, and I get to see Chloe. She has no idea where Susie is, she can't remember anything, she was so high. I am almost hysterical, how can you lose your child like that, but John puts his arms around me. "Hey, everyone is looking for her, we need to keep our heads in the game, we'll find her." He calms me down, and I know he's right, I have to keep a clear mind.

The two officers talk to Chloe then come over to us. "We have everyone out looking for the little girl, and we are just going to head out and follow up on a couple leads. You should try and rest for a bit, do you have a place to stay?"

"I have a room booked at the Plaza. Here is my cell phone number, do you have Susan's number?" Carter hands over a card with his information on it. "I am going to take her to the hotel and see if I can get to her eat and rest, please call me if you hear anything, anything at all."

The Yokas and Bosco promise, and excuse themselves to rejoin the search.

Carter hugs me. "They have everyone out looking for her, there's nothing else you can do for now. They have both our cell phone numbers. I'm going to take you to the hotel, it will be much more comfortable, maybe you can eat a little and lay down for a bit." Carter helped me up. "Is your bag still in the car?" I nod "Okay, let's go."

He goes to check us in while I sit on one of the lobby chairs, then he takes me up to the room. He runs me a warm bath, helps me in, and orders some food from room service. I can feel fresh tears running down my cheeks as I sit in the tub, but I feel a little warmer now. John comes back and gently wipes my face with a warm cloth and holds out a fluffy towel, wrapping me up and gently rubbing me dry then helps me into one of the hotel robes. I lean into him and he pulls me close, not saying anything, he knows I need him to hold me.

There's a knock on the door "Room service is here, let's try and have something to eat, then I want you to lay down for a few minutes, even if you don't sleep."

He answers the door and tips the waiter, then sits me down. He has ordered some light food, a hot bowl of soup to start, and I'm grateful. I eat a little, but I'm so worried, I can only manage a few bites, but I do have a cup of the tea. John flips open the covers on the bed and finds me one of his shirts, he knows I love to sleep in his shirts, I find it comforting. I pull it on, then crawl into the bed.

John has a quick shower, then crawls into the bed beside me, and I snuggle up to him, and I feel safe, wrapped in his arms. Both phones are beside us on the night table with the ringers on full volume. I let myself relax. _Advantage of being a doctor, I know we will both wake up if either of them ring. Years of living with a pager.  
_

I let myself doze off, and I think he does too. I wake up a while later, surprised I could sleep, and I see he is awake, though he must be exhausted after working a double shift. "No calls?"

"Nothing yet."

I reach out and caress his cheek "Thank you for coming, I don't think I could do this by myself."

"I love you Susan, I couldn't let you go through this by yourself. I know how much Susie means to you – I saw how much you loved her when you took care of her, and how excited you were on the day she was born. I still can't believe I was actually there when she was born."

I put my head on his chest and he has his arm around me. We lay in comfortable silence, both worried but drawing strength from each other. Then one of the cell phones rings.

Carter hands me the phone and I feel a wave of relief as I listen to the officer tell me she is safe and being checked over at the hospital.

"They found her and just took her in to the hospital." We both are up and dressed in minutes, and John calls the driver to pick us up.

I go in to the hospital room and Susie smiles at me, I hug her and make sure she is really okay. Fortunately, she is not injured, just a little scared, but Joe, Chloe's husband has arrived and will take them home when they are released in the morning. He promises he will get Chloe some help. Visiting hours are over too soon, but John tells me we can stay overnight so I can see Susie again in the morning, before they go back to Texas.

John takes me out for a little bit to eat, I am actually hungry now I know they are safe. We go back to the room, as it is getting late, and we have not gotten a lot of sleep, and John looks even rougher than I feel.

"You were so great, the way you got me on that plane so fast, and then came out here after working extra hours, just so I could leave. Arranging everything so I could be here. I love you so much, and I am so glad you are here, it made all the difference in the world. I really don't think I could have survived those last hours of waiting without you."

"You know I wanted to be here for you…I am so happy they found her safe."

I wrap my arms around his neck, and pull him into a deep warm kiss, I am so relieved and I love him for being here with me. We get ready for bed, I pull on his shirt and cuddle up to him in the bed, his arm enfold me as his lips graze mine.

"Mmmmm, John, that feels good." His lips brush my neck, I stroke his soft hair and draw him closer to me.

His hands are warm as they caress me, and I find myself wanting him desperately, needing the intimacy and warmth that making love with him seems to bring.

I wake up much later and John's arm is curled around me, his hand resting on my bare navel, as usual he has pulled me close to him while he sleeps, and I can feel his warm breath on the back of my neck. That is something I enjoy about this guy, he is incredibly cuddly, this hasn't changed, he has always been affectionate, even the first night we were together. I roll over towards him and run my fingers through his hair, it feels reminiscent of our time five years ago. He had given me a key, and I would come to his place after work, no matter what time of the day or night. He was used to the shift work, and I could appear even at 2am and crawl into bed with him. Sometimes just snuggling up to him, falling into a deep sleep, and sometimes waking him with kisses or fingers through his hair, asking him to make love to me.

"What time is it?" His voice is soft and sleepy as he wakes up, his arm is still around me and he pulls me closer to him, my arm draped over his back. I trail my fingers down his smooth bare skin.

"Around 3am I think."

"Can't sleep?"

"I got some sleep, but just woke up for some reason, sorry for waking you up, but...I needed the company."

"No, it's fine, something on your mind?"

"Nothing really, but I woke up, and I was remembering, how it was with us when we were together 5 years ago. I would just show up at your place, whenever I was done work, no matter what time - the nights I would wake you up, just like this. I just...had the urge to wake you up like that, silly huh?"

"No, I get it, I really missed that, you know, when we stopped seeing each other. How you would just be there, sometimes at night, and even when I would be out during the day and I would come home, you'd be fast asleep in my bed, after stealing one of my shirts. I still don't know if I understand the shirt obsession."

"It's a girl thing, I guess. You just...smell really good, almost all the time, you know except maybe at the hospital when some kid pukes on you. It is just comforting to me, I put on a shirt that smells like you, and I sleep really well. Crazy right?"

"Mmmm, okay, that makes sense. I just knew you liked my shirts, now I know why. Nice to know I'm so comforting."

"You are, believe it. It all started that first night we ever slept together, I needed to get up, but you know how I hate walking around naked. You had the dress shirt hanging on your chair. It was convenient, so you gave it to me to put on, it was so soft and comfortable, it smelled good, after that it became a habit whenever I was over, I would wear one of your shirts. That's why I took your shirt when we went to your grandparents house...and I had a couple of your sweatshirts you had lent to me. After we stopped seeing each other, I missed you, and I would sleep in them. Sounds kind of stalkerish when I say it out loud, but it made me feel better. I wore them in Phoenix a lot too, especially while I was pregnant." I look over and he has a bit of a smile on his face.

"I missed you too, I kind of hoped I'd come home and you'd be there. Good to know my missing shirts were put to good use, but I wish I had been there to comfort you in person. I wondered after you left if you ever thought about us, our time together, but I guess it was pretty hard to forget, considering you were pregnant."

"I suppose you could say that, I had a daily reminder, but a good one. And I thought about it, you know, going to your place one night when I knew you were off shift, crawling into bed with you, asking you to make love to me. Especially when I was getting ready to leave for Phoenix, but...I knew I couldn't, you would have figured out my secret for sure, and of course you had started seeing someone by then too. And I guess really, it would have been difficult since I wouldn't have known where you lived."

He nuzzles my neck. "Mmmmm, I wish you had, or I wish I had gone to your place. I thought about it too, but I didn't think you'd be all that receptive to me showing up at your apartment. By the time I knew you were leaving, I'd given up on us. If I'm honest, I knew I couldn't have anything serious with you - I was a long way from being ready for that - we just kind of jumped into it, without any thought didn't we? But, if I had found out you were pregnant, it would have changed a lot of things. I still wish I had known, I would have done what I could to help."

"I know, and even now I question my decision - and I did question it, many times. You were always so good with kids, such a good friend and confidant through so much. I felt like it would totally mess up your life, and I couldn't do that to you. Then when I came back, I was just plain scared and nervous - and I didn't just tell you that first night, and after that it got harder and harder, thinking you would probably hate me when you found out."

"Well, I was upset, no question about that - I didn't understand your decision, at all. When I found out, it was kind of like being struck by lightning, which is why I left, I think I was in shock, I needed space."

"I regretted that, a lot - I wish I had just had the courage to tell you, not have it dropped on you like that. Not that it would have been easy for you, but at least easier than it was." I am still in his arms, which tighten around me slightly.

"I have accepted how it is, and I know now, I am happy that she's still young enough I feel like I can make a difference in her life. I know you have been a really good mother to her, and she would have been okay, but...still...I think having two parents makes life easier. Mine were pretty absent from my life after Bobby died, they were overseas a lot, and even when they were there, they weren't really _there_ if that makes sense? I am glad our daughter has both of us, even with the shift work, we spend a lot of time with her."

"I get it, my parents were around, but you know, my mom is kind of flaky - you've meet her, you know what I mean. I know I told you what she was like when Susie was born. They were supposed to take Chloe in, then they reneged on it, too much trouble for them. Then Chloe took off, and I asked them for help taking care of her, but my mom couldn't be bothered. Finally my dad started coming and taking care of Susie a couple times a week. I don't want to be like my mom, I am sure we will make our mistakes, but at least we are there for her."

John brushes my hair back and gives me a kiss. "I promise to do everything in my power to always be there for her. She really is a great kid, though I guess I'm biased."

"Maybe, but I think she's pretty terrific too."

"Hey, you know what?"

"What?"

"I'm starving."

"You're always hungry, you should be 300 pounds the way eat."

"But I'm not, and I need to keep my strength up." He gives me a little grin, and his eyebrows wiggle suggestively.

"That you do." I run my fingers through his hair again, I know he loves it when I do that.

"I think I'm going to order room service. Want anything?"

"At 3am?"

"Well, that's what it's for – we could order pizza."

"Hmmm, that actually sounds really good." We decide on toppings and phone in the order, then Carter puts on a robe and pulls out a bit of cash for a tip. "Do you remember Chinese food, at like what was it, 2am?"

"How could I forget. You know, you might be surprised at how much I remember from those two weeks."

"Oh, I don't know, I think I remember a whole lot too, those were a good couple of weeks. Everyone was kind of wondering at the time why I was so much happier at work all of the sudden."

"Were you? I wonder why." He gives me a little grin, I can't help but smile back, thinking about the time we spent together. How much time we spent in his bed in particular, and he knows what I am thinking, I can just tell by the look in his deep dark eyes.

There is a knock at the door which Carter answers, he tips the waiter, then brings over the pizza. I put back on the shirt that had been unceremoniously dumped off the side of the bed earlier, then we lounge, eat pizza, and joke around with each other a bit. I feel really relaxed for the first time in a couple days.

"Maybe we should stay in New York an extra night? I got our shifts covered for a few days, I didn't want to have to rush back."

"Really? You don't think anyone will mind?"

"They shouldn't, it will give you a day to rest a bit, relax, and then we'll go home. Otherwise you might get called in to work, you've had a rough couple of days."

"What about Brooklynn?"

"She's fine, we'll call her in the morning, probably having a great time with Louisa and Corinne out at the house. Frank was going to take her riding, and of course Gamma loves having her there."

"If you're sure, then it would be nice. We haven't had a lot of time away with just the two of us."

The next morning, or more accurately later that morning, we go back to see Chloe and Susie before they left for Texas with Joe. Chloe is pretty quiet, and doesn't want to look at me, she has really messed up, yet again, and I can only hope that Joe can get her the help she needs. I wish I could take Susie, but I know the law is on Chloe's side, and of course Joe being her step father is next in line for custody. I have to trust Joe to take care of them as hard as that is. Soon they are ready to go, and I give Susie a last hug goodbye.

John and I spend the day relaxing in New York, he keeps things light, and cheers me up, knowing it was hard for me to say goodbye to Susie. We then get a good sleep before we are back on the plane the next morning, heading for Chicago.

As we settle in our seats, I sigh. "I really could get used to this first class airline travel. But I have no idea how I am going to pay you back."

Carter looks at me. "Well, don't worry about it, because you are not paying me back. I did it because I wanted to, so no arguments."

"John, I can't expect you to pay for everything…the flights, hotel and everything must have cost a fortune."

"Not a fortune, and I can afford it Susan, you must know that by now – and as I said, I did this for you because I wanted to….and wanted to be with you, I know that you were really worried about Susie."

I reach over and take his hand leaning back and closing my eyes, getting ready for takeoff. I give his hand a squeeze, I know there is no point in arguing.

"Thank you, for everything."


	20. Girls Night Out

It has been about a month since we got back from New York, and I'm still stressed out and worried. Chloe and Joe have split up and a week ago Chloe disappeared, leaving her rehab program and running off again. I know I should be used to this, but, I can't help it, she's my sister. At least Susie is with Joe. I have been phoning her regularly to make sure she is okay, I know she misses her mom, and doesn't really understand why she left.

The second thing worrying me is Mark, I know he was not doing well last I heard, Elizabeth has now taken Ella out to Hawaii for what will probably be his last few weeks. Carter has found me crying quite a bit lately, but he knows why – it's not about our relationship, it's about Susie, Chloe, and Mark.

He comes into the bedroom as I'm having another little mini meltdown, and sits beside me on the bed, putting his arm around me, and I lean on him.

"Hey, everything okay?" He hands me a tissue and I blot my face.

I give a hiccuping sob. "Yeah, I'm still worried about the usual. This has been rough, you know?" My eyes are red and puffy, and I'm sniffling but he just doesn't seem to notice or it doesn't bother him at least.

"I know, but you need to take care of yourself. You haven't been sleeping well, you're losing weight, I know your stomach has been upset a lot. Maybe you should take a few days off, or try and get out, maybe have a girls night or something. Deal with some of this stress."

"Maybe….thanks for being so understanding, I've been pretty emotional lately, I keep soaking your shirts."

"Ahh, I've gotten used to it, anyway I'd rather it be you crying on me, than what happens at the hospital. I got puked on four times today, good thing I have a fast reflexes and can usually avoid getting hit with the worst of it."

"Right, fun in the ER." Oddly he has cheered me up a bit, it seems like he knows how to make me feel better. He's always had that gift, even back when I had my crappy birthday, Chloe showed up totally wasted and I escaped to the roof. John found me there, and at first, I really didn't want company, but...for some reason I accepted his. He was just so kind, so sweet, and compassionate, he took my mind off of things for a while. He shared some champagne with me that night and helped me celebrate my birthday. I couldn't stand Div around me, yet I welcomed Carter. After that night, we met a lot on the roof to talk.

"So how about the three of us go out for dinner. You pick the place."

"Or can we order in? I'm kind of tired tonight, we could all watch a movie together." I ask this hopefully, I really am exhausted, besides I think it would take a lot of makeup to cover up the ravages of my meltdown.

"Sure. If you don't feel like going out that's fine."

"John? Can I ask you something?"

"Of course." He gives a small nod.

"How would you feel about having Susie come up for a while this summer? She's not a lot older than Brooklynn and they got along really well in Phoenix. It would give Joe a break, and let me spend some time with her, you could get to know her too. You're pretty much her uncle now anyway." I tilt my chin up, so I can see into his eyes.

"I think it's a great idea. We could spend some time out at the house, you know, with the pool and the horses and everything, Gamma would love that, two little girls running around that she can spoil." He is smiling at that, I wonder if she would really like her house invaded by two very energetic little children.

"She wouldn't mind? I can never tell if you are being serious."

"Are you kidding, she would love it. All the grandchildren are grown up, and our daughter is her only great grandchild, you may not know how much Gamma loves kids. Chase, Bobby and I used to totally go crazy out there, we'd be all over the place. But, if it makes you feel better, I can ask her. Have you talked to Joe about this?"

"Not yet, I wanted to ask you first. This is your house after all."

His hands are warm and gentle as he places his palms on either side of my face and gazes into my eyes. "I need you to think of it as our house, Susan. You live here, and I really hope you want to be here permanently. So, I appreciate you asking, but Susie is family and is welcome to visit anytime."

"Thank you, it means a lot to me that you feel she's family." My voice is tenuous, he's offering a lot, wanting me to feel like this is my home.

"She's family, because you are. Talk to Joe and see how he feels about it, you can have her here as long as you like. We can work out details like holidays, or child care, whatever is needed once we know she can come stay with us and I'd love to get to know her too."

I feel the tears coming on again, but I manage to control them. My life has changed so much in the past few months, how did I manage without him for so long.

We order food and have a nice quiet family night, and we all are in bed early, both John and I have to work tomorrow.

As usual, morning comes too early, I'm still tired, and my stomach is flip flopping again, the stress of the last few weeks has made me a little nauseous. I struggle out of bed, drag myself into the shower, and off we go for another eventful day in the ER.

"Susan, are you in for girls night tonight?" Jing-Mei has called my cell phone, I am taking a short break, getting some fresh air in the ambulance bay in a desperate attempt to wake up. "If you are, Abby and I are thinking about that pub we were talking about the other day."

Being at County for a while gave me the benefit of getting to know know Jing-Mei and Abby better. I really like Jing-Mei at lot, at first she seemed a little stiff and formal with me, but she has relaxed now. She and John are good friends, and I know that's all it is, even though they are constantly in contact with each other. That bothered me at first, but for some reason it doesn't anymore.

Abby on the other hand, maybe there was a little something between her and John at one point. I know he hasn't had an actual relationship with her, but I feel tension from Abby, like I've moved in on her territory. John assures me they're just friends, but Rena picked up on something, and I've concluded she was right. Perhaps Abby was expecting more from their relationship, something that didn't happen because I came back to Chicago. Now he's taken and complicated.

I'm still tired, but maybe getting out is what I need. "Let me check with John."

Jing-Mei laughs. "What, you have to ask his permission now you live with him? You need to exert your independence girl."

I can't help but laugh at her comment. "Not exactly, Jing-Mei, it's the whole having a 4 year old daughter thing. I have to make sure he can leave here in time to be home so Louisa can have the night off. He has actually told me I need a night out to unwind."

"Sorry, right. I should get that by now, you can't just go out whenever you want. So okay, he's off the hook, let me know if you can work out the childcare."

John has encouraged the girl's nights, and is all for me expanding my social circle. Being a doctor with the long shifts can be rough on friendships – you spend so much time at work, with such an irregular schedule, you start to become closest with those in the same job types. Those that were part of my circle in Chicago before have mostly gone – Doug, Carol and Mark – we were a pretty tight group back then. I still keep in touch periodically with other friends, but medical school took a toll - the long hours of studying, and the residency made me lose touch with a lot of them.

John's happy to go home and take care of Brooklynn tonight, so I call Jing-Mei back. "I'm in!" She gives me the address, and I have to laugh. It's the same pub where John and I met up that night.

I have just enough time to stop by the house and freshen up quickly, I'm leaving just as John comes in the door, he gives me a quick kiss, and tells me to have fun.

I walk into the pub just as Jing-Mei and Abby arrive.

"Susan, you are looking great. Have you lost weight?" Abby notices right away.

"I have, must be a combination of things, my stress loss plan from New York and my family, plus having a busy four-year-old daughter, and of course the long shifts, bouncing between hospitals." We order some food, and some drinks, though I opt for non-alcoholic tonight as my stomach was a little upset this morning.

I look around, and the pub has been updated a bit but still looks much the same. We start talking when Abby nudges my arm. "Do you know that guy?"

"What guy?"

Jing-Mei turns her head to inconspicuously check out the guy Abby is trying to bring to our attention.

"You know, tall, dark and handsome, with that perky blond on his arm. There should be a law against girls like that."

I glance over, and sure enough he does look pretty familiar. "I think he's a friend of John's, Jim…..Davis." I smile at him and go back to my food.

"Hey, he is coming over here. Minus the blond fortunately." Abby pokes my arm.

"Excuse me ladies." He is standing by the table. "Sorry to interrupt, but…." He looks right at me. "I had to come say hi, Dr. Lewis right? Susan? You're John's friend - we met right here in this pub, if I'm not mistaken, and he brought you to that little party at my dad's house. It's been what, about five years now?"

"You're Jim, right?"

He gives a little nod. "You remember."

Abby gives me a sideways look and Jing-Mei just smiles.

"It has been a while, but I'm good at remembering faces. But yes, about five years is right. These are my friends, Jing-Mei Chen and Abby Lockhart." Both of them are looking at me curiously now, probably wondering about me meeting him here in the pub. I didn't say anything about having been here before.

"Jim Davis, nice to meet you." He smiles at me, he really is a good looking guy, "I heard you were back in town, it's really nice to see you again." I have a feeling John has been talking to Jim recently. "How do you like being back in Chicago?"

"Well, not as warm as Phoenix, but otherwise it's been good. Sounds like you've been in touch with John."

"Well, yes, he kind of dropped off the map for a while, but I saw him in the paper a couple time recently, and decided it was time we got back in touch, so I called his grandmother. She was good enough to give me his current number, and we caught up a couple months ago, it sounds like his life has been...eventful. I've left him a couple messages lately too, if you see him, can you have him call me?"

"He has been a little preoccupied, but I'll see him tonight though, when I get home."

"Tonight at home?" Jim has a little grin on his face when he says _home. "_ Perfect, I was going to see if he had time to go on a trip, maybe somewhere tropical, but we haven't decided if we want to go diving or sailing, or maybe both. Has John taken you sailing yet? He's crewed on some pretty big boats, so he is really good."

"I saw the pictures from Cape Town, can't believe he did that, but he's full of surprises. I haven't sailed, he took me out on a boat a long time ago, but it wasn't a sailboat.'

"Ah right, that was quite a trip, too bad they lost the boat when it capsized. They were a lucky bunch, middle of the night, good thing the storm blew past or who know what would have happened. But that was way out at open sea, if we sail it is much more protected water and closer in, you would have fun. I think maybe the four of us should go sailing once the weather gets warmer, I have a new sail boat in the marina. John and I can handle that one easily, he could probably even sail it himself, it's not a big boat like he was on out of Cape Town. Anyway about the trip, you should get him to bring you, Tiffany and some of the other ladies might come this time, and those who have kids take them with us too." The way he smiles at me, I know that John has told him about Brooklynn. "We haven't been able to get him to join us, probably been about 3 years now. And I'm having just a small get together at my house, so you two should come, won't be quite as crazy as the last one at my dad's, that was quite the night."

"It was fun though. I'll talk to him, and see what he thinks. When is the get together?"

"Three weeks from now, a Saturday night." He hands me a card with his numbers on it.

"Nice to see you again Susan. Have John call, I'm sure Tiff would love to say hi to him too. I'd like to pick up the bill for you ladies, so eat, drink, and enjoy and I'll cover it before I leave. Have a great evening."

"Thanks Jim, that is really kind of you." He gives me a wink and then strolls back to his table. I see him lean over and whisper something to the stunning blond, who I know is Tiffany, She looks at me and smiles then turns back to their group.

"Wow, that was nice, I think I'll order another drink. Who is Tiff?" Jing-Mei says in a low voice as she glances over at the other table, then back at me.

"The blond with Jim, Tiffany. Apparently…she was John's girlfriend in high school, and is now married to Jim." I return in an equally low voice.

Abby sneaks a look at the other table then back and rolls her eyes. "Carter dated her? _That_ figures."

"Yup, but she is actually really nice, I remember her now, she was here..." I cut off as Jing-Mei's eyebrows go up.

"So I am curious Susan, Jim said he first met you here? In this very pub? What was that about?" Jing-Mei had a little sparkle in her eyes.

"Ah right. I ran into John here one night, he was back from holidays, out with a group, and saw me, Jim was one of the guys. John came over to talk to me, and a while later Jim introduced himself to me, the two of them like to bug each other. The comment was something like how John had left the group to 'pick up the blond at the bar' so to speak." I do quote marks with my fingers.

Jing-Mei is grinning now. "Ahhh, so this is the scene of the crime, picking up the co-worker at the bar. Who picked up who I wonder? His friend Jim sure seems to know something."

Abby gives a little snort of laughter. "Do we need to ask? Have you seen how quickly Carter can pick up a girl? It's a little sickening, really, I've even seen patients come on to him."

I feel annoyed by her comment, it seems like she is saying there is no way I could have refused to go home with him night, like I didn't make the choice. "Maybe it was… a mutual picking up of the coworker. And for your information, women can pick up guys too Abby, it doesn't just work one way."

This makes Jing-Mei burst out laughing. "Wow, so...tables got turned on him did they, though I am sure he would not have minded. A bit surprised it took as long as it did for you two to get together."

"Well, there was a reason for that, John was a med student and I was a resident, I didn't want to get involved with him. As for the attraction, it _was_ mutual. That night we had a great time, we talked for hours, ate, had drinks, we just connected."

"And then….you took him home with you, finally had the guts to act on the attraction?" Jing-Mei is teasing me.

"Something like that I guess, but it was his place not mine, he had a nice apartment, until it burnt down." I give her a little grin. "Anyway, we had a terrific couple of weeks, and I was sad when it was over."

Jing-Mei is looking at me intently. "I don't fully understand why you broke it off."

"The hospital rules for one, the fact that he was starting a surgical internship didn't help either, he was 24, and when you get into residency – well your life gets insane, long hours at the hospital, he still had a lot of studying and prep to do every night for the next day's surgery. Emergency medicine is tough but surgery is even harder, I was impressed he got the internship. Plain and simple, I didn't think he was in a position at that point to commit to a relationship and it would have put our careers in jeopardy. So, I made his life easy and I left, even though I had some pretty strong feelings for him. I had been already thinking of moving, then I found out I was pregnant, and I knew I needed to leave."

Abby shakes her head. "I think he would disagree with that, and I do too. You should have told him, Susan, it wasn't fair to him, giving him no choice in the matter."

"I _know_ how he feels about it Abby, you don't have to tell me. John and I have obviously discussed all of this, it's a subject we have to put to rest now. Maybe it wasn't fair, but I made what I thought was the best choice at the time, and I can't change it, so now we just live with it. He is part of our lives, it has been a bit rough at times, but we've worked through a lot." I am ready to talk about other things now, John and I have been through so much in the past few months, I don't want to discuss it with Abby. I simply don't know her well enough and I don't know what John has discussed with her.

"So, are you going to see if John will take you on whatever trip they decide on?" Jing-Mei seems to sense I am ready to change the subject now, though Abby still seems irate.

"Maybe, I'll see if he wants to and if we have sufficient holiday time left, he may have reasons for not going, I'll ask him tonight. And check our schedules for the get together. The party last time was enjoyable – he has some pretty interesting friends."

"Oh? In what way?"

"I guess maybe unexpected is more the word I need, they are not at all what you would expect for a bunch of rich people, then again if John hangs out with them, they wouldn't be, right? They are all super friendly, and they know how to have a good time that is for sure."

Jing-Mei giggles. "Well, us rich people aren't all boring snobs."

I blink at her in surprise. "Us rich people?"

"My family isn't nearly as wealthy as John's or most of his school friends, but I grew up much the same way - you know private schools, travel, big social parties. Probably why we get along so well, we both understand the pressures you face in that world. My parents were both surgeons, so they did pretty well."

"Right, I guess John maybe did mention that you had similar backgrounds."

"We do, people don't realize how we grew up unless they know our families, and we both like it that way. Anyhow, you should encourage him to go, and to take you along. I bet they do fabulous trips.'

"They do - I found one of his photo albums at Millicent's house, he has done some spectacular trips. You know the summer we got together, he had spent most of it visiting islands in the Caribbean, sailing, laying on the beach and club hopping."

"I could go for that, and I bet they do the fancy resorts, you might as well get used to it – you've traveled a bit with him now."

"Just to New York, but it was really nice, first class seats and suite at the Plaza, and I _could_ get used to it. Kind of like staying at Millicent's house, it is so nice when we stay there, like going to a fancy guesthouse in the country. Haven't done that since Christmas though with everything going on."

"You stayed out there the one night with John since then."

"Ah, right, but that was not a fun night, trust me."

Abby pipes up. "Yeah, I bet. I'd like to know who told you that stuff so I can kick their ass, like he needed to go through a bunch of bullshit regarding Lucy or Rena. I know Carter was kind of annoyed with Chuney for starting the rumours about him and Lucy, I guess everyone had heard something within an hour of her opening her mouth. Then to have people assume that he and I had slept together on the trip to Oklahoma, when he was just helping me with my mom, Rena was being immature. Luka and I broke up about something entirely different, Carter had nothing to do with that."

I shrug. "John and I have talked about all of this, Abby, I am clear on what happened, and the matter is laid to rest, so to speak. I know it was hard for all of that to come up again, considering everything, and I won't bring it up with him, ever again."

"Good, he doesn't need the aggravation, obviously. I know there were a lot of other factors, but picking a fight with him about stupid things when you knew he was already stressed out, that was dumb Susan."

I am getting irritated with Abby now. "I _know_ that Abby, again, I have figured this all out with John already. I get you're his friend and you worry about him, but we are okay, _he_ is okay." I am tired of talking about my relationship, so I try to move it to other topics, and Jing-Mei assists, I think she can tell Abby is bothering me with her comments.

By the time we leave, I am exhausted again. True to his word, Jim arranged to pick up the tab, so it ended up being an inexpensive night for us. Though since I have been with John, I have a lot more money to spend and Jing-Mei is not exactly poor either, or so I found out. Abby is struggling a bit financially, she dropped out of med school, which was a surprise to me.

I peek in at Brooklynn when I get home, she is fast asleep in her bed, I plant a soft kiss in her freshly washed hair. I tiptoe down the hall to our bedroom, trying to be quiet, but John is still awake, in bed but reading a medical journal. "How was girls night?"

"Good." I yawn and wander over to my dresser pulling out my favourite shirt to sleep in - the one I took from his closet 5 years ago. I brush my teeth, wash my face and then come back out, stopping at his side of the bed to take a sip of his water. "It was interesting, actually. They picked _the_ pub, you know, _our_ pub."

He know exactly what I mean by _our_ pub. "Really? Bring back a few memories?" He has a suggestive little grin on his face.

"Of course it did, there are lots of reasons why I will never forget that night."

"I'll never forget either."

He draws me onto the bed, giving me a deep kiss. I run my fingers through his hair and his arms wrap around me as I hear the medical journal hit the floor with a small thunk.

His lips are planting light kisses down my neck and I feel his warm hand on the bare skin at the small of my back.

"Mmmmm, that feels sooooo good." I murmur into his hair, as my stomach flutters with desire, and I start to work his shirt upwards. He helps me get his shirt off, then starts to work on the buttons of mine. Neither of us are wearing much, it doesn't take long until we are skin to skin in the big bed.

A while later I am snuggled up to him, having a hard time keeping my eyes open. I feel him drop a light kiss on my hair and shortly afterwards his breathing becomes deep and even, letting me know he has fallen asleep, and I let myself drift off too.

I wake up to find the bed beside me empty and I squint at the clock, realizing it is almost 9am. John obviously let me sleep in, knowing I'd had a late night and I feel a little better. I stretch luxuriously then pad into the bathroom and climb into the shower, letting the water run over me.

Finally I dress and go downstairs, John and Brooklynn are working on breakfast, I can smell the fresh coffee.

"Mommy!" Brooklynn comes over and gives me a big hug and kiss, then I get the same from John.

"You look a little better this morning. Sleep well?"

"Mmmmhmmm, I did, and I do feel a bit better today. Last night was fun." It was a lot of fun, in more ways than one. I rub his back as he pours me a cup of coffee and gives me a little sideways look, he knows what I'm thinking about. "I ran into a friend of yours. He was trying to get hold of you, he recognized me and came to talk to us, bought us dinner."

"Yeah, I got a phone call this morning from Jim. I just told him you got home kind of late last night so we didn't have a chance to talk." He gives me a little wink.

I smile as I help Brooklynn set places for breakfast. "The group is planning a trip apparently, and he wants you to go, and there is a party at his house in a few weeks too. Said all the ladies might come too."

"Sounds like maybe three or four couples if we go, and 2 or 3 kids including Brooklynn. Jim suggested 10-14 days in the Caribbean. Are you interested in going?"

"Maybe, I'll have to see if I can afford it."

John leans against the counter. "Oh, I think you'll find that won't be a problem, it's my treat. We were thinking of chartering a boat so we can island hop."

"A boat?"

"A sailboat, well a yacht really. With a small crew to take care of the meals and stuff, so we can just relax. You and Brooklynn have your passports now, so we can go anytime. We would fly to one of the islands and board there, travel around then fly back."

"I've never sailed, and I'm not sure about being on a boat."

"Trust me, you will have fun. There will be a crew, you don't need to know how to sail, and it will be a good size, kind of like a floating hotel. We've done this before, in fact five years ago, that is what we did except it was a group of guys and one of their parents had a boat that we sailed ourselves."

"Mommy, I want to go on the boat." Brooklynn says this hopefully.

"So that summer you spent in the Caribbean right before we got together you lived on and sailed a boat around the islands."

"Yes, it was a yacht, a nice one too. What do you think?"

"Okay, if we can get the time off then I'll go with you."

John smiles and gives me a big hug. "You won't regret it, just wait."


	21. Chapter 21

We have 3 days off in a row, so we go out to Millicent's for an overnight visit and some horseback riding. Millicent is doing well now, fully recovered from her fall and broken hip. John has a talk with her about bringing Susie out during the summer, and she is fully supportive of the idea. She would love to meet some of my family, and having a playmate for Brooklynn is a great idea. We agree that we should stay out at the house for most of the time Susie is here, the nanny can be there and it will allow the girls to swim and ride for most of the summer. If John can't be out at the house, Frank is capable of supervising and teaching the girls where the horses are concerned. Assuming of course, that Joe agrees to let us have her visit for that long.

I phone Joe, and we have a long talk, he agrees that we can bring Susie out during the summertime. We ask if he can provide permission to travel with her, and for him to get her a passport. We plan to bring her out as soon as she is done school at the end of June so she can come to the Caribbean with us.

I am very surprised that we get to take her on our trip, which is coming together nicely. We have managed to book off three weeks by trading off some shifts so I am quite excited. We are going to be in the US Virgin Islands for the 4th of July, and it turns out there will be a total 6 adults and 3 little girls on the boat - well yacht really. John has shown me some pictures and it is very luxurious, I don't want to ask how much this vacation is going to cost us...well him, since he refuses to let me pay anything towards it, and he's offered to cover the flights to bring Susie to Chicago from Texas and to take her on our holiday.

John and I have also decided to register Brooklynn at the private school, I still cannot believe my daughter is going to such an expensive place – but given who her dad is, I need to recognize she is going to have opportunities I could never have dreamed of. They have programs that are unheard of in the public system and really small class sizes. Not everyone is accepted, and certainly not everyone can afford the tuition, but reality is – we can afford it, and I have to get used to it. Though I do understand that money isn't everything, it makes life easier sometimes.

Our last day off, John has some sort of meeting with Weaver at County.

"So what does she want to talk to you about?"

"Oh, probably trying to talk me into coming back again. I'll see what she has to say."

"She has a soft spot for you, I still don't understand how you got in her good books, she hates everybody."

"No she doesn't, and she is not so bad if you get to know her. So you know how I told you I didn't take any of my trust funds for a while, well, by chance I ended up renting the suite Kerry has in her basement."

My eyes widen and I am staring at him yet again. "What?"

"It was tough to find something I could afford on a resident salary, and I went to see this basement apartment with a shared kitchen, it turned out to be Kerry's house. She let me rent it, and it worked out well. I got to know her quite well, though it wasn't perfect, sometimes it felt like living with my mother again. Anyway, she is different away from the hospital, there she is tough because she has to be - but at home, she is pretty nice."

"Okay, that is too weird, John, you lived with Weaver? Of all people, Weaver?"

"Yeah, it seems a little strange. She can be tough on me too, though she was certainly my advocate when I screwed up with the drugs. But then she bagged me for Chief Resident and it got a little tense between us, and I looked for another job. Somewhere I could leave the label behind - get away from people like Romano, he used to call me the drugstore cowboy. Before Weaver's I was RA in a dorm for a while, but thanks to Lucy and a Halloween party that didn't last long."

"What happened?"

"Oh a bit of furniture on fire and a couple of drug overdoses by two of the med students, you know a little Georgia Home Boy in the dorms and the 911 calls don't help the career. I got to do a ride along to the ER, it was great, but at least they both survived with no permanent damage."

"Wow, so that is why you are so much more self sufficient than expected."

"I was not as spoiled as you seem to think, I was expected to do a lot for myself. Can you imagine leaving dirty socks laying around Gamma's house? She would have had my head. And I have done a lot of sailing, there is no tolerance for messy slobs on boats, and you pull your own weight. I'm not a great cook, and not terrific at laundry, but I manage, I've had my own place for quite a while."

"That you do, like when you did Brooklynn's room, you did a good job on it."

"Well thank you, I thought it turned out nicely too, and she loves it. Did you want to come and say hi to everyone, have some lunch with Jing-Mei? You can bring Brooklynn, Deb loves her."

"Sure why not."

We arrive at the ER and Carter goes into a quick meeting with Kerry, while I talk to a few of the nurses and everyone comments on how big Brooklynn is getting. She is almost 5 now.

Carter comes back out and gets interrupted by Pratt who is having trouble finding someone to help him with some test results. The results are coming in by fax due to some technology issues, and Carter picks up a few things, talks to Pratt about his patient, then stops suddenly in the middle of sorting the rest.

"What's wrong?"

"It's a letter from Mark, it was on the fax machine. I wonder how long it's been there."

He sat up on the admit counter and a small group of staff watch him as he starts to read aloud. By the time he is part way through, there are quite a few listening to every word. He flips the page and sits there for a moment, and I can tell something is wrong, he looks quite upset. Then he reads out the fateful words from Elizabeth, that Mark has died. He hands off the letter to Frank, scoops up Brooklynn and disappears into the lounge.

There is silence as Carter walks off, everyone is stunned. It has not felt quite real, I have been half expecting to get a call from Mark saying he is home and back to work. That will never come.

I follow John's footsteps into the lounge, and he has our daughter sitting and colouring. He is leaning on the counter facing towards the wall with his head bent down. I walk up and put my hand on his back, he turns and enfolds me in his arms, he knows this is tough on me too, maybe even tougher, as I was so close to Mark before I left for Phoenix.

I start to cry, and he just holds me, rocking slightly on his feet, there are no words either of us can say at this moment. My good friend, and his teacher and mentor is gone forever.

Needless to say, we skip the lunch with Jing-Mei, we both just want to go home.

A few days later Rachel and I meet as we are going to do some shopping today, I want to keep my mind off losing Mark, the funeral will be in a few days. Rachel and I have become great friends, and make sure to go for coffee or lunch regularly and fortunately her husband gets along with John, so we can go out as a group.

John is off work and has taken Brooklynn out to see Gamma for a few hours and do some riding.

Rachel and I get on the El, and everything is fine until a guy brings on a pretty pungent sandwich in a paper bag. I suddenly feel very very sick, and I can barely get off the train in time, before I throw up in the nearest garbage can.

Rachel was able to follow me off the train, and is looking concerned.

"Are you okay Susan?"

"I think so, just, the smell of that guys sandwich made me sick. I have been a bit stressed out since New York, you know with my friend Mark dying, and everything with my niece and sister."

"I know, I am so sorry, Susan. There is a lot of flu going around, I've noticed a lot more cases over the past few days. Did you want to go home?"

I sit on one of the benches and take a few deep breathes. "I think I am okay now, why don't we try going, and if I start to feel sick again I'll go home."

"Are you sure? We can cancel if you need to go home."

"I'm sure, I feel better now, really."

"All right, if you're still up for it, let's go. Maybe we can stop for a tea or something?"

I nod and we get back on the train.

We spend the afternoon shopping and have a good time, I am feeling a bit better. Getting out a couple times this week with girls night, and shopping today seems to be helping my stress level. I buy a few things, using the gift card I got from John at Christmas, I have slowly been going through my wardrobe and getting rid of some older clothes that were getting quite worn.

I have noticed too, that I have lost quite a bit more weight, and I am back to where I was when I was a resident – my life is pretty active these days. With John, we are often out, we go riding, take Brooklynn out to the park or do some activity on our days off. He even got me to try downhill skiing before the snow melted, something I never really had the time or money to do before and I found I enjoyed it.

I guess the stress has taken off a few pounds too, I find that I get hit with nausea at weird times during the day, so I am being very careful about what I eat.

I will also need to get a few new things before we go on our trip, though John says to not buy too much as there will be shopping opportunities while we travel.

I get home around 6pm, John has left me a message that they should be home around 7, so I make some spaghetti for dinner along with a salad, then lay down on the couch to watch a bit of tv. Next thing I know, John is giving me a gentle shake.

"Hey, you must have been tired, it's only 7pm and you're already asleep? You were right out too, I had a hard time getting you to wake up. You two must have had quite the shopping trip."

"Mmmm, yeah, I was really tired for some reason."

We eat and I go to bed early, we both have the 7-7pm shift tomorrow. Despite my nap, I am exhausted before 10 pm, so John takes care of getting Brooklynn to bed and comments that maybe I'm coming down with something. He encourages me to get some extra sleep, and makes me tea before I go to bed.

I still feel a little nauseous in the morning, and I am still tired despite sleeping for a solid 7 hours. I am having a really hard time getting out of bed. Finally I do, but I have to run for the bathroom. I hear the door open and John rubs my back and gets me a glass of water when I am finished throwing up.

"Are you okay? Maybe you shouldn't be working today. Do you want me to call you in sick?" He looks concerned, and I think about how I felt on the train yesterday.

"Maybe that would be a good idea, I felt a little sick yesterday afternoon as well, and I feel pretty tired."

I end up spending the morning in bed, by afternoon I am feeling much better so I have some soup then snuggle down on the couch with a blanket to watch a movie. John and Brooklynn get home around 7:30, by then my energy seems to have returned, I've accomplished quite a bit around the house, including making dinner.

"Feeling better?"

"Much, I had some extra sleep, watched a movie, relaxed, and now I feel pretty good." We have some dinner and I have some time with Brooklynn, who spent the day out with Louisa. John and then have a bit of time to relax and talk, but we both work the next day so don't stay up too late.

Our next shift we are both 7-7pm again, and I'm feeling ill again by mid morning. I am starting to get a little worried now, and Rachel has noticed I'm a little off, though John has been super busy with traumas this morning so he hasn't. I have been taking a lot of the minor medical today, trying to clear the rack.

I lean on the counter at the admit desk for a minute as a little wave of dizziness passes over me, and I take a few deep breaths.

"Susan, are you okay?"

"I don't know, I feel nauseous again, and a little lightheaded."

"You were sick on the train the other day, called in sick yesterday and suddenly not feeling well again…do you think maybe..." She stops, looks around and then whispers. "Do you think you're pregnant?"

I glance around to make sure no one is paying attention. "I think it's just the stress, and fighting off a bit of a flu bug."

"Is it a possibility though?" She looks over at John who is bringing in a trauma patient, she knows we are living together, that her theory is entirely plausible.

"Well, sure, it's definitely possible, but I really think it's stress." I shrug, but suddenly I am not so sure she's wrong. This is a lot like when I found out I was pregnant with Brooklynn, the nausea, being overly tired, and if I start thinking about it, I am late, but it could be due to stress. Last time, I did a home test and I hid the results from everyone, but there was considerably less stress in my life, and I knew right away it was likely, due to the events the first night I slept with Carter. What is John going to say if I am pregnant, and it is unplanned, again, just like Brooklynn.

She raises an eyebrow at me. "Well, then maybe you should make sure, it will only take a couple minutes, so time to take a break." She grabs my hand and yanks me into the closest open exam room and hands me a container. "Go, now."

I figure there is no point in arguing – I am a little nervous now, but I quickly duck into one of the bathrooms and get a sample, then take it back to the exam room, being very discreet.

Rachel has pulled out a test, she snaps on some gloves. "Okay, the moment of truth." She uses a dropper and we watch as it changes colour. Rachel is almost jumping up and down. "I knew it, you're pregnant Susan. John is going to be…." She halts. "What is he going to be? Have you talked about having another baby, this isn't planned obviously?"

"Not planned, but I know John wants more kids at some point. I guess that point will arrive in about 7 or 8 months, whether he is ready or not."

Rachel laughs at this. "So do you think he will be okay with it? Though I guess he doesn't have a choice but to be okay, sounds like your mind is made up."

I don't get a chance to answer as at that moment John knocks and comes into the room.

"Oh sorry, just need to get something."

I feel a momentary panic, then I take a deep breath, I know Rachel noticed my reaction. I am already feeling excited that I'm having another baby, now I have to tell him, and the sooner the better. No matter how he reacts, I have learned my lesson, don't keep these kinds of secrets from him.

He looks around quickly then grabs a suture kit from one of the drawers as he says. "What are you two looking so guilty about? Hiding out?"

Rachel is trying to keep a straight face as she looks at the test, then me, then a sideways glance over at John. She is probably wondering what I am going to say.

"Not hiding out, just…needed a minute."

"Are you feeling okay? You look a little pale."

"Uh, yeah, fine thanks."

He nods then turns to leave.

Rachel is still holding the test and something about our body language seems to catch his eye. He stops dead in his tracks just before the door of the exam room, then turns around. I think he is just fully registering what we are doing in here, he has used lots of these tests on patients, he knows what it is.

"Is that for a patient?"

Rachel pats my arm and gives John a little smile, puts down the test and then leaves the room.

"Not for a patient?" I meet his eyes and shake my head. His eyes flicker slightly, but his expression hasn't changed, he really can hide his feelings when he puts his mind to it. "It's yours?"

"Uh huh." I can barely breath.

"So? Are you?" He doesn't wait for me to answer, he crosses the room in a few steps and peers down at the test. "Wow, really?" He almost looks...happy. I was feeling a little nervous and worried about how to tell him, but maybe I shouldn't have been.

"Wow is right, I think we're having a baby." I whisper.

"You _think_ we're having a baby?" He looks at the test again, then he lifts an eyebrow. Trust Carter to bring a little levity into the situation, I can almost feel the tension melt. He stands in front of where I sit on the bed, and reaches out to push some hair back from my face.

I slide my arms around him, leaning into his chest. "You're ready to have another baby?"

"Yes, I am. Are you ready?" His response is soft as his arms go around me, he rubs my back gently.

"I am." I feel a tear run down my cheek, even as a smile starts to creep across my face. "I know we kind of talked about having a baby at some point, but we didn't exactly plan for me to get pregnant right now. I'm kind of excited, though I wasn't sure how you would feel about it. I'm relieved that you aren't upset."

He wipes away the tear with his thumb and smiles.

"You're right, we didn't plan it, but upset? Are you kidding? Not a chance, this is great news, Susan. I love you." He hugs me again and gives me another kiss. "You're feeling all right?"

"Yes, now I know why I've been so tired and nauseous, I thought it was just the stress, but nope, it's morning sickness."

"Well, take it easy, I guess Rachel knows so get her to help out with anything you don't feel comfortable doing." He sighs. "I'm sorry, I have a patient waiting to be sutured, I'd like to talk to you about this a bit more, but Susan, I am happy and it will all be okay." He reluctantly lets me go.

"It's fine, go take care of them and we will talk later." I can't help but grab him for another hug and kiss. "I love you too."

We go back to work, and I think about which doctor I want to see upstairs. John told me to pick which one I feel most comfortable with, make the appointment and he will come with me. I can't keep the smile off my face, and I sneak a look over at John who is updating the board. He must feel my eyes on him, he glances over and gives me a little smile of his own, he does look happy.

Rachel corners me in the lounge, she has been busy with patients, she has a big grin on her face.

"So, are congratulations in order? How did daddy take the news?"

"Oh, pretty well actually. He seems pretty excited about it, it's a relief to have just been able to tell him right away."

"Have you two talked about getting married too?"

"It's been mentioned once or twice, but he didn't want to rush us."

"Is that code for you want to and he doesn't?"

"No code, I know he wants us to move forward, he is the one who asked me to move in with him. He knows what he wants, and has told me what he wants out of this relationship. It's been a bumpy few months, I don't think he would have forgiven me for some of what has gone on, if he didn't love me a lot. You know this ring?" I hold up my right hand. "It's almost like a promise ring, he spent a lot of money on it apparently, according to my friend Mark. He said most guys don't spend as much on the actual engagement ring."

"It's probably worth like $10,000 and it is a beautiful ring. If you get engaged I can't wait to see the ring."

"It will happen sometime. We had a conversation a while after he gave me this, that he wasn't sure we were quite ready to officially get engaged – but for sure he has thought about us getting married." I start thinking about whether now I'm pregnant…again… he might consider getting married more of a priority.

Rachel seems to be considering the same thing. "Maybe we will have a second Dr. Carter in the ER soon? Having a baby is pretty serious stuff in a relationship."

I laugh a little. "We already had a baby, but I guess having baby number two is still pretty serious."

"Right – and she is a beautiful little girl. Maybe you'll get a little boy this time. I bet he would like that."

"I'm sure he would, but I don't think it will matter really. He loves his daughter like crazy, he would be happy with another girl too."

"I am sure he would, he seems like a great dad. I would love to be having a baby, but Mike hasn't been quite ready. Here you are working on baby number two, and we haven't started on the first one yet. Wait until I tell him. Can I tell him?"

"Yes, but don't tell anyone else yet, I want to wait until I'm 12 weeks before we say too much."

"Of course, I'll try to keep it quiet."


	22. Chapter 22

I stand looking in the mirror, doing a final adjustment to my black skirt and blazer, as John finishes with his tie. He comes over and gives me a brief hug, he knows how hard this day is going to be for both of us.

"Ready?" His voice is low and sad.

"Yes, and no." My voice is shaky, I feel like I am going to burst into tears any time. He squeezes my hand, and meets my eyes in the mirror.

"I know." That is all he says, and he does know, it was not so long ago that they buried his grandfather, and burying our good friend is not going to be any easier.

We give Brooklynn hugs and kisses, then step out into a beautiful sunny day. The limo is already waiting for us at the curb, the driver holding the door open as we approach. John assists me in to the car then reaches over to hold my hand. He glances over as I give a little sniffle and offers me a handkerchief, I touch the corners of my eyes to catch the tears before they can fall. I don't want to arrive with red swollen eyes, I fight to hold it back.

John is looking out the window, I remember how choked up he got when he read the letter from Elizabeth that day, but I am sure today he is holding it all in. As he said not too long ago, he can hide his feelings when he needs to, and it seems to be grief, sadness, or worry that he buries. He does not seem to have a problem showing warmth, compassion or caring to his friends or his patients, or his love for me or his daughter and for that I am grateful.

I recall how his mom didn't show any warmth towards him at all, and how stiff and formal his dad was with him. It is a wonder to me that he can be so warm and affectionate with the other people in his life. I slide closer to him and disengage my hand from his so I can gently brush my fingers down his smooth cheek. He recaptures my hand, giving it a kiss, and a light squeeze. He turns towards me and provides a faint smile of reassurance.

We are there all too soon, this is going to make it real and I am not sure I am ready to say goodbye, but I don't have the choice. We approach the gathering, stopping to say hello to multiple people, we know almost everyone. We give Jen, Rachel, and Elizabeth each a hug, they are holding it together, but just barely.

To my surprise, I see Doug and Carol, they have come out from Seattle to say their good byes to Mark. Doug and Mark were such good friends for a long time, but Mark never said anything about them keeping in touch. They both exchange warm hugs with Carter – after what he told me about Harper, I didn't know he was close with Doug. I hug Doug and Carol as well, it is so good to see them after all this time. I really miss working with them, it was one of the hardest things about going to Phoenix, other than leaving Carter and Mark.

Carter stops to talk with Peter Benton, who clasps his shoulder and then pulls him in for a brief hug. _Benton? Hugging Carter?_ This is very strange to me, I remember how Benton was with him as a med student, it was like he could barely tolerate his student, now they act like best friends.

The service is relatively small – both of Mark's parent's deaths preceded his, and he did not have a lot of other family. His friends were mainly from work, which is the danger of being a doctor, medical school is all consuming and you tend to lose touch with those outside of the hospital. Mark was a very dedicated doctor, and he will be greatly missed.

John holds my hand and we stand close during the funeral, I still have his handkerchief and have to pat my eyes continuously as I weep. I stare straight ahead, if I look at anyone I know I will just burst into tears. John does the same, though when we get towards the end, he slides and arm around my shoulders and lets me lean on him slightly, we both take comfort from the physical contact.

After the service, we all go to Elizabeth's house for a small reception, and have a chance to pass on our condolences to Jen and Elizabeth. There are a lot of tears, a lot of hugs, everyone feels the loss acutely.

"You okay for a few minutes? I am going to see if I can track down Rachel, this has been a really tough day for her." John has known Rachel almost longer than I have, she was still a little girl when I left, and now she is a teenager.

"I'm fine, I am just going to talk to Doug and Carol for a few minutes."

He nods, then disappears, Rachel has been elusive today, I am hoping she will talk to him.

Doug, Carol and I stand and chat a bit. "It is so good to see the two of you, I didn't know you were coming."

Doug smiles. "Mark was a good friend, he put up with a lot of crap from me. I was shocked when Haleh told Carol he had left County for good, and how sick he was. You know he didn't let us know, even when he was first ill, I wish we had kept in better touch."

"I know, he didn't tell me either, but then I kind of lost contact with everyone when I moved to Phoenix. I hear you have two beautiful little girls, how old are they now?" John had told me that Carol had twin girls Kate and Tess, and how adorable they were.

"They will be 3 this fall and are doing great. Would you like to see a picture?" I nod and Carol pulls out a photo of two sweet cherubic little girls, with masses of dark curly hair.

"Wow, they are cute, they look a lot like you. Twins must keep you really busy."

"Oh they do for sure, but we love it. Maybe one day we will be brave enough to have another one. I heard that you have a daughter as well, do you have a picture?" Carol gives me a smile that says she has heard the whole story, probably from Haleh.

I pull out a photo that I keep in my wallet. "Yes, Brooklynn, she will 5 at the end of May." Carol and Doug look at the picture, I can see Carol sneak a glance out of the corner of her eye at John who is now sitting on the stairs having an intense conversation with Rachel.

"She has Carter's eyes, she is beautiful Susan. I have no idea how you two kept things a secret, not much got by the nurses."

"It wasn't so hard to keep the relationship a secret, but being pregnant, that was tough to keep to myself. I was just over 3 months when I left, if I had stayed any longer, someone would have found out."

"I was amazed to hear about you and Carter. Everyone knew that Mark had a thing for you, he sure took it hard when you left, and Carter never let on that he'd had any sort of relationship with you." Doug shakes his head slightly. "How you two kept under the radar is a mystery. You know he spent a lot of time in the ER when he was doing his surgical internship, he did a lot of consults for us."

"Well, we didn't fool around at the hospital, he was on summer break and we ended it before he came back. He knew it could have some serious career repercussions if anyone clued in, did you really expect that he would say anything, especially to you or Mark? You were Mark's best friend, and he didn't want Mark to know for a lot of reasons - we were never out to hurt him, it was just something that happened. And it happened before either of us knew how Mark felt."

"I get it Susan, and it looks like it wasn't just a casual affair, since you two seem pretty tight now."

"No Doug, it wasn't just a casual affair, there were some pretty real feelings involved, but neither of us were in a position to take it further at that point. I had a big decision to make, throw away two careers, or disappear, so I left. Maybe not the best choice in hindsight, you can imagine that Carter was...well incredibly angry with me when he found out."

"No kidding, you should have at least told _him_. Even if you had called him from Phoenix and asked him to come see you" He gives Carol a sideways look. "Or sent him a fax or something."

Carol gives Doug a smack on the arm. "Stop it Doug, I told you, and that is what matters."

"Sent him a fax?" I am kind confused by this comment.

"Carol found out about our babies after I left for Seattle, and she sent me a fax. Things were a little rough between us right then, and she didn't think she could do it in person, or on the phone."

I had no idea that is how Doug found out, but at least she told him. "Oh, I didn't know. You're both right though, I should have found a way to tell him, but fear does funny things to rational thought." I look over at John again and he is handing a card to Rachel, gives her a hug, then makes his way over to us.

Things are starting to wind down, and Elizabeth is clearly exhausted. "We should think about leaving, Elizabeth looks ready to collapse." Carter has noticed as well. "Do you two want to join us for some drinks? It would be great to catch up a bit." He offers out the invitation to Doug and Carol.

Doug and Carol agree, and we say our good byes to everyone. They were just going to call a cab back to their hotel, so John offers to take them with us in the limo, which is waiting for us outside.

We find a nice little pub, and order some food, it is getting later in the afternoon and I am starving. The morning sickness hangs around until 11 am or so every day, so I have not had much to eat yet. There was food at the reception, but it was mainly small finger food, not nearly enough for me now that I am pregnant.

I am ravenous by the time the food comes, and I polish off my chicken burger and salad even before John has his burger eaten. I start to pick at the loaded potato skins he ordered on the side and he gives me an amused look. "Still hungry?"

Carol has noticed how much I am eating, and gets a thoughtful look on her face. Then Doug suggests we all order a drink to toast Mark. I order a non alcoholic choice, while everyone else orders a mixed drink or beer. Carol gives me a speculative and inquiring stare when she realizes I am not drinking any alcohol.

"Susan Lewis, not drinking on a day like this – a little odd. Is there something you are not telling us?"

I can't help it, a small smile creeps across my face and I give a sideways glance at John. I still have no idea how I hid my first pregnancy from Carol, and John is probably thinking about the same thing – can't hide much from Carol.

"Oh, wow, you two are having another baby?" Carol has a huge smile on her face as I give a little nod. "That is so exciting."

"Yes, but we haven't told anyone yet, so, can you keep it to yourself? We only found out a few days ago, we want to keep it quiet until after 12 weeks."

Doug gives Carter a pat on the shoulder. "Congratulations. Never thought I would see the day, our eager intern is now a family man. Of course we won't tell anyone."

Carter smiles. "Thanks. And look who's talking about becoming the family man, I never thought I would see the day Doug Ross settled down." Doug had quite a reputation when Carter first came to the ER, and a well-deserved one. Now he and Carol are married with two lovely little girls, he seems to be a loving and devoted husband. I think about that for a moment – Carter has never even been close to the womanizer Doug was, and Doug has settled into family life with no apparent issues. Carter seems to have done the same – sure he has dated more women than I care to think about, but he wants to commit to _me_ , to being a father to Brooklynn and the child we are expecting.

"It's easy when you are with the right person, I can't imagine life without my girls." Doug gives Carol a kiss and puts his arm around her.

"Exactly." John looks over at me, I take John's hand and give it a squeeze, I am suddenly overwhelmed by how much I love him,. He slings an arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer to him in the booth, he can tell I am close to getting teary. I excuse myself to go to the ladies room, and Carol decides to join me.

"Sorry, I get a little emotional, between the hormones and the funeral today, I can't stop crying, and I have to pee like every 10 minutes."

"I know, it is hard to believe that Mark is gone, we will all miss him." She pats my shoulder then hands me a tissue. "Despite that, I can see you are happy. You are really in love with him, aren't you?"

"I'm totally in love with him, Carol. I was falling for him 5 years ago, the hardest thing I did was to break it off and leave for Phoenix. When I came home to Chicago, those feelings were still all there, I knew I was in trouble as soon as I saw him. Somehow, by some miracle, it has all worked out and I know he is the one I want to spend my life with - you must know what I mean when I say I can't live without him."

"Of course, I feel that way about Doug. We spent so much time apart, fighting the feelings, then I finally gave in and moved to Seattle. Best thing I ever did, life is good there, and Doug is a terrific dad to our two girls."

"John is great with Brooklynn too. I never doubted he would be a good father, but he has exceeded my expectations."

"When is the wedding, I see one very nice ring on the right hand, but no engagement ring yet? Are you two thinking about getting married?"

"Oh, I am sure it will be coming at some point. We talked about it a while ago, but not since we found out we are having another baby. We only found out just after we got the news about Mark, so the subject not been at the top of our minds. I moved in with him around Valentine's Day, so I know the commitment is there, marriage is just a formality now. Though I am sure when his grandmother finds out about the baby, she will be expecting it."

Carol and I go back to the table, Carter and Doug seem to be getting along well, it still shocks me that they seem so close. As the afternoon goes on, though, I find that they built a very strong bond and respect for each other before Doug left for Seattle, and Carol loves Carter too. There are lots of stories about basketball games, bets on patients, and the fun the three of them – Doug, Carter and Mark - had together even when Carter was a surgical intern. We reminisce as it turns into evening, and we all decide to go to a nicer restaurant and have some dinner.

We end up at Dominics, which is only a few doors down. Doug used to take Carol there once in a while, and we go there quite often too, so we know the food is good. As soon as we step in the door we see it is really busy.

Doug looks around. "Maybe we should go somewhere else? Could be a bit of a wait."

Carter shakes his head. "Oh, I'm sure it won't be that long." He strolls up to the host desk.

"Good evening Dr. Carter, how many in your party this evening."

"Good evening Adam, four people tonight."

"Very good." He pulls out the menus and beckons us to follow him.

Doug does a bit of a double take at the fact Carter just walks in and they almost lay out the red carpet despite there being a large number of people waiting for tables. We are seated within a minute of entering the restaurant, Carol looks at Carter with interest. "Just how did you pull that off. I bet the wait is over an hour, yet you manage a table for four in less than 30 seconds."

"We're frequent flyers, so to speak. This is my grandmother's favourite restaurant, we always get a table right away. I bring Susan here quite often too."

"Ahhh, of course, I am sure your grandmother would not tolerate waiting very well."

"You remember." Carter smiles and checks out his menu briefly, though I am not sure why, I think he knew what he wanted even before we sat down.

"Carol, you know Millicent?"

"Sure, she funded my free clinic for a while at County. She is quite the lady."

The food is excellent as usual and Carter picks up the bill at the end of the evening, which must have been pretty steep including the drinks, dinner, dessert and coffee, but he doesn't even blink. We give Doug and Carol a lift back to their hotel in the limo, we all promise to keep in touch, it has been great to see them. They are on a plane back to Seattle in the morning.

We arrive home and send Louisa off for the night, Brooklynn is already fast asleep in bed.

"I'm beat, and have to work tomorrow." Carter takes off the tie he loosened in the limo, and hangs his suit jacket neatly over the back of the chair. He starts to get ready for bed, as I change into my favourite sleeping shirt.

"Me too. It was so good to see Doug and Carol today, I really miss how the ER was back when they worked there. I am sure the people are very nice now too, but it will never be the same will it?"

"No, it won't. Kerry really is bugging me to come back, but I think I should stay at Northwestern. You have your job there too, we are getting to know the staff, you have gotten pretty close to Rachel."

"Speaking of Rachel, you seemed to have a pretty long conversation with the young Rachel today." I have finished washing off my makeup and brushing my teeth, he is at the other sink in the bathroom. I love this house, I have never missed my tiny apartments. I feel totally comfortable here, John has made me so welcome, it feels like I have lived here forever.

"Mmmm, yeah, I did. She is a great kid, Susan, but troubled, losing her dad has been tough on her. He really got involved the last couple of years, Jen kind of dropped the ball with Rachel. Anyway, I told her if she ever needs anything, anything at all, then she should call one of us, collect if she needs. She told me quite a lot of stuff today, opened up to me, and I can't help but worry about her, you know, wonder if Jen is going to be there when Rachel needs her. Elizabeth will do her best, but she just lost her husband, and has Ella to think about. She is thinking about going back to England for a while. Both you and I were close to Mark, so I wanted to offer help if Rachel ever runs into issues."

This man is always full of surprises, my heart aches a little as I think about how his parents and family weren't there for him when he so needed them. "That was good of you, I agree, if she ever needs anything, I would want her to contact us."

"She may never need it, I hope all goes well with her, but, if it doesn't Mark would want us to help her." He sighs sadly. "You know, he and I had a couple of conversations not long before he left the hospital for good."

"What did you talk about?"

"Rachel was one of the things, he said he was worried, and I offered to do what I could to watch out for her. He told me he hoped I would do a better job than how he helped me when I so obviously needed it. I never knew how bad he felt about how things went down after the stabbing, how much he blamed himself, how guilty he felt. I helped him see it was never his fault, but I also told him my experience would make me uniquely qualified to help Rachel – I know how hard it is to ask for help, even when you really need it. I told Rachel she can come visit us anytime, even if she isn't in trouble or needing help. So I want to make that happen at least once a year."

"I like the idea, John, keeping in touch with her. So what was the other thing?"

"You need to ask?"

"Me? He talked to you about me." My voice is flat. I am not very happy to hear this, the two most important men in my life, talking about me.

"Yes, you. Just listen for a minute before you get all up in arms, Susan, he just wanted to make sure you would be okay, happy."

"I am okay, and I'm happy, I have you, our family."

He puts his arms around me. "I know, Susan, but Mark didn't understand at first, you know, how we feel about each other, how much I love you." He gives me a squeeze. "He had seen me go through quite a few relationships, nothing ever long term, and finding out we had a two week affair as he put it, did not make him happy. Especially finding out that we had gotten involved again as soon as you came back to Chicago, you'd had Brooklynn, it was a little too much for him."

"I know John, he told me too." I snuggle closer to him, burying my head in his chest.

"So you know that he thought I was going to hurt you, that we wouldn't last because of my track record? I can't deny it, I have never had a relationship last longer than a year, I have never wanted to be with anyone that long, until now."

"He was jealous."

He tips my chin up so I am looking into his eyes. "He admitted he was the one who started the whole ex-girlfriend thing, he told me he was sorry he had done it when he saw how it affected you when we were fighting. That was hard to believe, so not like Mark. Kind of like being thrown under a bus, I would have preferred he just hit me, at least I would have seen it coming."

I sigh. "Yeah, and I was foolish enough to let him stir up the trouble. A throwback from the days when he and I told each other everything, I trusted him. He did it, John, he acted irrationally, but he and Elizabeth were having problems, and he missed what we used to have, I think. We both know love and relationships can make you a little crazy, we got a little crazy there for a while, didn't we?"

"We both had our moments, the jealousy, the insecurity, all of that, but I hope our relationship is stronger now, it was a learning experience." He leans down and brushes my lips with his. "In the end, Mark just wanted me to promise I would take good care of you. It was an easy promise to make, I fully intend to take good care of you and our family. He asked me to forgive him, and I did, I let him know how much I appreciated his support, how he had taught me so much both about being a doctor and about life over the time we worked together – almost 8 years, hard to believe. I am going to miss him."

I reach up and place my palm on his cheek. "Me too. I'm kind of glad you shared this with me, I have to admit I wasn't sure I liked you two talking about me, but in the end it was really more about you and your friendship with Mark, letting him make peace with things before he left."

"It was, yes. And you talked to Mark about me, about us too, Susan, it isn't really any different. He was a friend to both of us."

"I know." I wrap my arms around his neck, he slides his arms around me, pulling me tight against him. "I love you." I whisper, then reach up to kiss him.

"I love you too."


	23. Chapter 23

I crawl back between the covers, trying to be as quiet as possible. It seems like I have to get up at least 2 times a night now that I am pregnant, I wasn't kidding when I told Carol I need to pee every 10 minutes. I settle back under the covers just as a pair of arms wrap around me, and John pulls me against him.

"Up again? How do you get any sleep." he murmurs in my ear.

"Sorry to wake you up." I squint at the clock, it is just after 4am. "Maybe that's why I'm so tired lately, I don't get solid sleep. Part of the fun of having a baby, you know, morning sickness, peeing every ten minutes, and eating like a baby dinosaur."

"I tell women this all the time in the ER, but it is different when its happening in your own life. Carol was sure on point, guessing you're pregnant."

"She was, that is why I was amazed no one clued in 5 years ago, those nurses almost have a sixth sense. I love that this time I can be open about it, not hide, I was able to tell you right away, and I can share it. I guess that is why she guessed so easily, I am not trying so hard to keep it a secret."

He tightens his arms around me. "True, this time you don't have to hide anything, everyone knows we are together. It is nice to be part of it this time around." His hand slides down to rest on my still flat belly.

"I'm glad you are happy about this baby, I have to admit I was slightly nervous to tell you, we didn't really plan it."

"No, but we knew it could happen, and we are both at a place in our lives that it is a good thing, we wanted more kids, and Brooklynn is almost 5 now, the timing is actually good. It still feels a little unreal, having a daughter who is almost 5."

"I guess we should figure out her birthday, what are we going to do?"

"Take her to Disney World." Carter drops this one on me, and I just laugh.

"Yeah right. But really, her birthday is in like 3 weeks, John, what are we going to do?"

"I was actually serious, she has been asking, Florida is a short flight, we can work it so we have 3 or 4 days off and just go. Next year we can do something here, she will have some new friends from school, this year she just has a few from the playground and her swim class. The bad part of taking her out of the daycare, it has made it harder for her to make friends. If you like the idea, I can get Katie to book it all for us."

"Okay, then we can look at our schedules and book it, I have never been to Florida." I have learned not to argue with him about travel, if we can get the time off, I am going to go with him.

"Really? Where have you been?"

"Arizona, California and Nevada, I haven't traveled much. Where have you been?"

"Uh, almost everywhere, I can't even begin to list the places. I traveled a lot until I went to med school, then I cut down to only once or twice a year."

Of course he has, I remember looking at the photo album, and I don't doubt it for a minute. Our daughter is probably going to have the opportunity to travel a lot as well.

"Oh, right, your grandmother said you had a passport before you were even born."

Carter laughs at this. "Something like that, but hey on the bright side, you can travel more now too. I hope we can do a lot more of it. You are going to love the Caribbean trip, and Disney World is a lot of fun. We won't be able to fly once you hit about 7 months, so we should get it in now."

I snuggle closer to him as it hits me, I'm having another baby. John is so damn calm about this, but I am starting to freak out.

"Are you okay?" He notices that I am suddenly quiet.

"Yes, I just…wow, it just really hit me, we're having a baby and you are so calm about it. Our lives are going to change, like totally change, John."

"I'm kind of used to my life changing, without warning, I just kind of go with it now. I think it hasn't totally hit me yet either, I am sure once we see that first ultrasound, it will become a lot more real."

"You're right, it will. It is one thing to know that you're pregnant, but seeing the baby, hearing the heartbeat for the first time, it's amazing. I know you have done lots of ultrasounds in the ER, and delivered babies, but when it's your own baby it's different."

"I am looking forward to it. Hopefully we will get to see one before we go to the Caribbean. I guess we should decide when we are going to tell the families too. I'm sure Gamma will be happy to have another great grandchild."

"I was kind of hoping to wait until I'm 12 weeks, but she might guess before then. I have stopped drinking and we are supposed to have dinner with her tomorrow night, so maybe we should just tell her then. After all, we see her quite often.

"You're probably right, we'll let her know. We can wait to tell Brooklynn until after her birthday."

I am starting to feel sleepy again, and we both fall silent. Next thing I know the alarm is beeping, though it was not necessary, as Brooklynn is in our room. "Wake up! We are going to see the horses today!"

John looks a little bleary eyed from lack of sleep, but he still grabs her and hauls her onto the bed, giving her a big hug and kiss. He tickles her under her chin, and she giggles. "Daddy, stop!"

"Why don't you go get dressed, and meet us downstairs for breakfast?"

"Okay daddy." She ruffles his hair then crawls off the bed, I can hear her footsteps pounding down the hallway.

It is a sunny warm day and we have the sunroof open as we drive towards Millicents house. Brooklynn chatters away in the back seat, we decided to tell her our plan for her birthday, a decision we might soon regret.

"All part of the fun, the anticipation of the trip." John just shrugs and gives me one of his cheeky grins.

"See if you are still saying that in a couple weeks, when she has talked your ear off about going to Disney." I sigh and lean back in my seat, closing my eyes for a few minutes.

Millicent is happy to see us, we have lunch with her, then go riding, following up with a swim in the pool. It is so nice to have the bedrooms at the house, I manage to sneak off for a bit of a nap before we have dinner. Millicent has noticed the change in me, and John waits until Brooklynn is off helping make cookies with Corinne, then tells her about the baby.

She is incredibly excited about being a great grandmother again, but I am sure there will be some pressure now on John to make our union legal.

We have decided to stay the night, we both have one more day off before we go back on shift, so I take our daughter up to get her ready for bed. When I come down, I notice the study door is closed and I know Gamma has pulled John in for a private discussion. I wander in to the kitchen and am making myself a small snack when John reappears, he doesn't look upset, so it could not have been that serious.

"Everything okay?"

"Sure, why wouldn't it be?" He steps up behind me and slides his arms around me, looking over my shoulder. "Eating again?"

"Oh stop it, you know I can't eat until later in the day."

"I know but it is just fun to bug you."

"What did Millicent want? Secret meetings in the study?"

"Hmmmm? Oh, nothing much, she just had some house stuff she wanted help with, I have taken on some of the management for her. And of course the obligatory conversation about me joining the Foundation, its tradition now, have to discuss it whenever I see her."

"You should just do it, John, she obviously wants to reduce her commitments, why don't you take some of it on."

He sighs, and pulls away, I know he is annoyed by my comment. "Susan, please don't. I have enough to deal with right now, I work full time, we have a daughter and a baby on the way, and it is just not something I have ever wanted to do with my life."

"All right, I'm sorry John, I won't mention it again." I hug him, and after a moment he hugs me back.

"It's okay, Susan."

The next morning we go riding again before it gets too warm, have another swim, then visit with Millicent for a while. We tell her about the trips we have planned, and she seems happy that we are doing a bit of traveling. Later in the afternoon, we go back to John's house, then go for a stroll along the lake shore, taking Brooklynn to the park. Hard to believe she still has energy after the busy couple of days, but it seems boundless.

The next couple of weeks go by quickly, next thing I know, we are on a plane to Florida with an excited Brooklynn, we have worked out 5 days off in a row, by switching some shifts with Rachel. John called Katie and had her work her magic, booking a hotel close to the park and the first class flights.

This is Brooklynn's first time on an airplane, so she is even more excited. "Daddy, are we taking off yet?"

"In a couple minutes sweetie, just relax. How about read your book for a few minutes?" He has tucked her into her seat with her Bella bunny and a small bag with a few items to keep her occupied on the flight. She opens her book and starts to read it out loud to John, I still can't believe how much he has taught her in such a short time. It is not a difficult book, but she reads quite well for a 5 year old. Louisa also spends a lot of time doing activities with her – Brooklynn has been going to a swim class, dance, a play group and going out the house regularly to ride with Frank while we are working. Somehow John has managed to get our shifts more in sync, so most of our time off we spend as a family, and John doesn't like to sit around the house, he is always busy.

The flight attendants start their speech, and John has Brooklynn put away her book for a few minutes while we take off. She has a window seat, and can't take her eyes off the runway as it flies by, then we are in the air. I still get super nervous at take- off, and have to close my eyes, but not Brooklynn or John, she is fascinated and he is totally relaxed.

Florida is hot and humid, and it is bright and sunny as we land. We check in to the two bedroom suite, with a view over the interior courtyard, there is a huge pool that Brooklynn zeroes in on right away. We all change into bathing suits and go down for a swim. The pool is fairly deserted at the moment, so we have a lot of fun playing around, Brooklynn going down the slide and splashing around. I lay down to relax for a while, and watch John with her, he is such a great dad, I feel very lucky.

After a couple hours at the pool, we go up to the room to shower and change, then go out for dinner. By the time we get back to the hotel, it is getting late and we tuck Brooklynn in to bed. I read her a couple of stories and get her to sleep, gently shutting the door of her room. John is looking at a park map, I lean over his shoulder.

"Lots to see and do, what time are we getting up tomorrow?"

"I'll set the alarm, we want to make sure we have time for breakfast in the morning, so we should get to bed early too." He takes my hand and pulls me around to sit down on his lap, wrapping his arms around my waist. "Feeling okay?"

"I am a little tired, but otherwise I am good, relaxing by the pool was nice this afternoon. She had lots of fun with you in the pool, you are so great with her."

"I love spending time with her, she is a terrific kid, you did a good job with her." He gives me a soft kiss.

"You are doing a great job with her now, too. She is really happy, John, she loves you so much, and so do I." His arms tighten around me and I burrow into his chest, we relax like this for a few minutes as I close my eyes contentedly. I smother a yawn. "Oh, I am always so tired lately John, I think I need to go to bed."

"Pretty normal, your body is doing a lot of work right now. Let's get some sleep, it will be a busy day tomorrow." He lifts me easily and carries me into our room off the main sitting area and closes the door with his foot. He lets me down, so I can get ready for bed, he sets the travel alarm for 6am so we have time for breakfast in the morning. I curl up against him, and close my eyes.

I awake to the beeping of the alarm, John must be already in the shower, his side of the bed is empty. I stretch slowly then finally manage to crawl out of the bed, my stomach is churning, which seems to be the usual state of affairs right now. I rub the sleep out of my eyes as I wander into the bathroom. Sure enough John is in the shower, I peel off my pajamas and join him in the stall, putting my arms around his waist and leaning on his wet back.

"Good morning, have a nice sleep?" He rubs my arm then turns to face me wrapping his arms around me tight, giving me a light kiss.

"Mmmmm, I did, sorry, I was so tired I was out in less than 30 seconds."

"That's okay, you're sleeping for two. It's good you slept well, but make sure you don't overdo it today."

I laugh at that. "That's like the eating for two I guess, so I get to double my ice cream now? And don't worry, I am not fragile John, just pregnant. You worry too much."

He just smiles. "No I don't, I just mean if you get tired let me know, we can take breaks or you can come back to the hotel for a nap anytime. Brooklynn is going to be excited and a bundle of energy, not sure how we are going to keep up with her."

"Speaking of which, is she up yet?"

"Yup, she came in at 5:30 so I told her to go get dressed, I put out some clothes for her last night. By the time you shower and dress we will be ready to get breakfast. If you can eat that is, I know you sometimes can't eat until after 11am."

"I'm a little queasy this morning, why don't you take her downstairs as soon as you're ready, I'll come down and try to have something as soon as I'm dressed. If not, I can get something later, or steal a bit of yours."

John gives me another squeeze then he does a final rinse and steps out, leaving me to wash my hair. By the time I am out, dressed and have my hair dried, John and Brooklynn have left the suite. The extra key is sitting out for me, I pack up a small bag and go down to the restaurant. John has ordered me some juice and tea, then I nibble a bit of toast off his plate but can't manage much else yet.

Fortunately Brooklynn is still very young, so she does not really notice, she is busy planning what she wants to do first. We have not told her about her new sibling we are expecting in January, we will tell her when we get home from our holiday, this vacation is going to be all about her.

The day is beautiful and sunny, it is starting to get quite warm by late morning. As predicted, Brooklynn is a bundle of energy, but John takes it all in stride, trying to take on most of the running around with her, letting me take it easy as much as possible. As I start to feel better, we stop and have a relaxing lunch.

We have a great time, we spend time at the water parks, and see the majority of the attractions. All too soon we are back on the plane to Chicago, but Brooklynn has had what she calls her best birthday ever. John has spoiled her quite a bit on this trip, but it is the first birthday he has been able to share with her, and we have some great memories.

A couple days later, we decide to tell her about the new baby, and she is pretty pumped about being a big sister. She even offers to share her room, but John assures her it is not necessary. I start to think about how we are going to manage everything, the house has three bedrooms so it will be okay for now, but at some point we might want a guest room.

I mention this to John.

"I love this house, but it would be nice to have another bedroom, we are losing our guest room."

"I know, I have thought about it a bit, whether we should think about moving into something a little bigger with a yard. Then I got another offer, but I am not sure how you will feel about it."

I am a bit curious about this comment. "What kind of offer?"

His eyes meet mine. "We could move into the house, with Gamma. It is a big change, and I am not totally sure it is what we want to do, but it is an option. I thought maybe see how it goes over the summer with Susie being here. You know how we talked about staying out at the house as much as possible so the girls could have the pool and the horses."

"Your grandmothers house?"

"Yes, she is getting to the point where she needs me around more, and she has a ton of room. Louisa can have a room there for when she needs it, we can have guests anytime, and Gamma gets to have her great grandkids around all the time. We have a full staff so never any babysitting worries, no housework at all, meals ready when you walk in the door."

"You have given the a bit of thought."

"I have, I wanted to be sure it was something I would want to do before I brought it up. It is a bit farther from work, but I thought we could keep this house for a while, as a back up place to stay if we have double shifts or that type of thing."

"So you would be okay living there?"

"For now I would be all right with it. It is something we talked about the other day when we were going over the house stuff. Gamma made the offer, and I told her we would consider it, but I needed to discuss it with you. I also suggested maybe we could decide once we have spent the summer out there, to see how it works with our shifts and such. It is a bit closer to the school and it will likely be closer to a lot of the new friends Brooklynn will make. If we can get our shifts coordinated, then we can drive in together, they already seem to be scheduling us together whenever they can, so not a big difference in our work schedule."

"Wow, that would be a huge change, though I guess in some ways it makes sense. Millicent is rattling around out there in a huge house, and we need more room. It would be nice to have a yard and pool for the kids too, not to mention I will never have to cook again."

"Well, you can if you want to, you know. Gamma likes to cook or bake sometimes, and you could too, it is our kitchen. So what do you think?"

"I think we should see how the summer goes living out there, and if it works, then maybe we should. I understand why you would want to move out there, to help your grandmother for a while. Aside from the extra travel time, it is not that much of a hardship for us to be out there."

"No, not really, if you are okay being around Gamma a lot more. I drove out there from County a lot - well actually from the L station out near her. So you can drive or take the L."

We talk for a bit longer, but it might be a good option for us.


	24. Chapter 24

Rachel is excited to see me back, and we arrange for a lunch on our next day off.

"I have to thank you again for trading all those shifts, Rachel, the trip to Florida was so much fun."

"I was happy to do it, I might need you to return the favour someday soon. Mike wants to plan something for us this winter, though I guess I will have to bug John more than you to do the trade-offs. I don't imagine you will want to be pulling doubles over the next few months."

"No, probably not, and John would certainly have something to say about it if I did. He is a little overprotective right now, he worries about me overdoing it, the downfall of having a baby with another doctor."

"I think it's sweet that he worries about you. Mike is never like that with me, I wish he was a little bit more nurturing sometimes, you know when he's sick he's like a big baby, wanting me to do everything for him. When I'm sick he just tells me to suck it up, never so much as makes me a cup of tea or soup. He heads out to play pool with the guys at the pub and when he comes home it's just - how are you doing, oh by the way stay in the guest room so you don't keep me awake, then he disappears to bed. Count yourself lucky, your man takes care of you."

"Mmmm, I don't think I would like that either, the total lack of concern. I guess I _should_ feel lucky, John definitely takes care of me, and nothing bothers him. So there are advantages too, I can be throwing up and he will hold my hair and rub my back, doesn't bother him in the least. I have had days with my family issues, I am sniffling and crying, and he just puts his arms around me, and lets me cry on his shoulder - literally. I swear I have soaked more of his shirts lately than I can count."

"I'll trade you, I wouldn't mind having a man like that in my life. I get sick and Mike heads for the hills, he can't be in the same room as a sick person."

"No, that's okay, I've gotten kind of attached to him. You know, him being the father of my children and all."

I am so excited for the two of you, you're having a baby!" Rachel seems to be almost glowing herself these days.

"Soooo, do you maybe have some of your own news? You look extremely happy about something."

"You noticed…well, Mike has agreed to try and have a baby, finally. I am 31 now, so if we want to have more than one child I want to do it now. You are lucky that John is so open to having kids, you had one a lot earlier and he seems happy about you being pregnant again."

"That is terrific, Rachel. I know how long you have wanted a baby, and wouldn't it be great if it happened soon and our kids could grow up together." I am so excited for Rachel, she has wanted this for a long time.

"That would be good, wouldn't it? I hope it happens soon too, but on the other hand our sex life is fantastic right now, so if it takes a while, then I think that is good as well. We have been together 6 years now, and it was getting predictable, you know, the once a week when we're not too tired kind of sex? Now it has been livened up a bit, and I am really enjoying it. Is it like that for the two of you? After being together so long, is it still good between you?"

"I have absolutely no complaints about our sex life, that has never been an issue with us, but then we haven't been together for nearly as long as you have. Keep in mind we were involved, then we were apart for several years, and we have been back together just under a year." I hesitate. "I know I have never told you the whole story about Brooklynn, but she wasn't planned any more than baby number two. He was 24 and starting a surgical internship when Brooklynn happened, and I moved to Phoenix – without telling him I was pregnant."

Rachel stops with her fork half way to her mouth. "You didn't tell him? When did you tell him?"

I look down at the table and push my salad around the plate. "He didn't find out until I came back to Chicago last fall. When I got pregnant, I was almost done my residency and he was just about to start his surgical internship, once he started he was putting in 95 hours or more, plus a 36 hour shift every 3 days. Truth is, by hospital policy we should not have been involved, and it could have had some serious career implications for both of us. No one we worked with knew about our relationship until I came back and John found out he had a daughter – I could have lost my job if anyone had found out back then. I wanted to have her, and I knew that the administration might turn a blind eye to these things once in a while, but having a baby would be…well kind of proof positive of the relationship and they would not be able to ignore it."

"Wow, I didn't know. You had said things were complicated, but I had no idea that is what you meant. I am not sure Mike would be all that happy to find out he had a child he wasn't aware of."

I give a little laugh. "Yeah, well John wasn't overjoyed about it, he was, well furious would be a good description, and it took a while for him to forgive me. It wasn't that I'd had her, just that I had never told him, and how he found out about her – but back when it happened, what I did made perfect sense. I just didn't think he was at a place in his life where he would have been able to deal with it. How does anyone manage a baby when they are a resident? I was 4th year, almost done and it was tough for me, he was just starting. Even now he is just finishing, he had to do an extra year to switch to Emergency Medicine, and then of course doing the Chief Resident position made it even longer." I don't mention he also lost about 6 months of his life to recovering from the stabbing and going to rehab, as far as I know she doesn't know any of this and it is not my place to share it.

Rachel nods. "Surgery is a very tough specialty, that he managed to get through the first year is amazing – he must have been good if he got a surgical internship."

"He is a very good doctor, he learns really fast, and never seems to forget something once he has been shown it once, it is rare that he can't do it again. I think technically he would have made a very good surgeon, but he likes the patient contact, taking care of the whole person. Surgeons tend to not have the bedside manner that he does. He is also the ultimate multi tasker – so good with numbers and keeping his patients straight, he can hop room to room and know exactly what is going on with a simple stat update. I am curious to see his GPA from medical school. You know he has Brooklynn reading, and doing simple math and she just turned 5 – I swear that girl is going to be just like her dad."

"Maybe another doctor in the family? I am sure she is going to be smart cookie, two parents with MD's.

"And she can go wherever she wants to for school, just like her dad, his family traditionally pays for all the schooling. John's grandparents paid for his."

"No medical loans? That must be nice."

"I suppose it would have been nice, mine are paid now too, but it was a struggle to get through university. Anyway, as you know Brooklynn is going to have the same opportunity, she is all set to go to the private school in the fall."

"How much did you have to pay off? I still have over $50,000 in loans and they are going down really slowly. Mike has student loans too."

"I had $85,000 to pay off, and it felt like the balance was going nowhere. Then just after I moved in with John, he found one of my statements and paid my loan in full."

Rachel looks surprised. "He paid off your student loan? Now I really want to trade you. Anyway, John sure seems great with her. Hard to believe that you didn't tell him, you two seem so solid."

"We are now, but it was bumpy for a while. I wasn't kidding, Rachel, he was really angry with me and it took some time for us to get back on track, but now it's incredible, we have a great relationship. I know he really loves me, or he would never have been able to get past it. He understands why for the most part, though he doesn't agree with how I handled it. I loved him even back then, I didn't want to ruin his life, or give up on his career."

"Would he have had to do that? Give up his residency to help support your daughter?"

"Not financially, but it was more him having the time – the demands of a newborn, and the possible loss of his internship for breaking hospital policy was my main concern."

"Of course, I guess he doesn't have a lot of financial worries, I am surprised that you didn't ask him to help anywhere along the way, I sure would have."

"He has _no_ financial worries, it's just asking him to help would have involved me coming back to Chicago and confessing to him. I was too scared to do that, I knew he was going to be kind of upset about it and I thought he had moved on with someone else."

"Even if he had been with someone else at the time, it wouldn't mean you couldn't have asked him for money to help raise his daughter. I don't know why you would be scared to ask him, he seems pretty reasonable to me."

"Oh he is, and I know he would have helped if he had known, in fact he was great about a lot of things. I had daycare problems and he found us a nanny right away, started taking her when I had shifts and he was off. He offered child support if I needed it, without me asking. He took on the daddy role with no problem, Brooklynn loved him right away. It's almost like she felt the connection with him - he knew who she was without me saying a word."

"Even that is kind of miraculous, a man who wants to support his child, you didn't even need to ask him?"

"That's just kind of how he is, who he is really. He's very generous, as is his grandmother, she has fully accepted Brooklynn and me into the family. Like the trip we are planning to the Caribbean. He won't let me pay for anything, and I don't even want to know how much it costs to charter a crewed sailing yacht for three weeks. And the flights, food, shopping and whatever extras on top of that, he has gotten together with a group of friends on this, the guys are arranging it all. Crazy, I have traveled more in the past few months with John than I have in my whole life."

"Sounds great to me, I wouldn't complain, are you sure you don't want to trade?" Rachel gives a little laugh.

"Nope, not a chance of trading him, I love him too much to give him up, ever. I came so close to losing him, Rachel, I can't stand to think about it, but our relationship is stronger than ever because we both appreciate what we have together."

Rachel sighs. "I wish Mike was a little more like him."

"But you love Mike don't you?"

"Sure I do, it is just difficult sometimes, there are days when I wish I was with another doctor, they understand you know? They just get it and can deal with the shift work, the long hours, all of that. Mike is an accountant, 9 to 5, he gets frustrated with my hours, the long shifts, and the overtime. Those days when I get paged in due to a major pileup, or an apartment fire, or multiple MVA's come in 5 minutes before the shift is done. I just finished my residency last year, John and I must have started at about the same time for our training."

"It is not all sunshine and roses, dating another doctor. John and I went through a rough patch where we were barely seeing each other, just after Christmas. Brooklynn was missing her daddy and it was hard, Rachel. I was stuck at County, he was at Northwestern, his grandmother was just home from the care facility, John's mother showed up, we ended up fighting. Thankfully it was only a month that we didn't have much time together and we both wanted to work it out. To say it's always perfect...it's not, we have had to work on it, forgive each other for things, and accept that we both have pasts that we can't change."

"With John though, it seems...worth it. You so obviously love each other, it's like you were meant to be together."

"Maybe we are, just the first time we were not in a place that it would have worked or lasted. Honestly, we had this insanely hot love affair, we spent every free minute together. It was...incredible. I don't even know how to describe it beyond that."

"So you were sneaking off to see him, to have hot sex?"

"Yes, but it was way more than sex - we did all these fun things too. We spent a whole day out on the lake, one night we stayed at the Ritz in a suite, and we went out to a party at his friends house, for example. It wasn't just about sleeping together, there were a lot of really romantic and intimate moments, it was like we dated, but really secretively, so no one at work would know. Sometimes it was as simple as ordering in and watching a movie cuddled up in bed, sometimes I would come over after a long difficult shift, crawl into his bed and just sleep. Not that we didn't have _plenty_ of amazing sex, we certainly had chemistry and the physical side of our relationship was incredibly satisfying."

Rachel jokingly fans her face with her hand. "Phew, I'm kind of jealous, I have never had a hot love affair. Is it still like that?"

"Pretty much, though even better in some ways. We still have incredible chemistry, but it's like this whole wall has been broken down. Neither of us admitted back then what we were feeling, within two weeks I knew I had to break it off or fall hopelessly in love with him. Turned out it was too late, I already was in love with him, but I still broke it off and pretended it was just a fun little fling, to protect our careers. Then I found out I was pregnant, and I ran, as far away as possible."

"Yet here you are, having another baby with him, so it worked out in the end. And you have the relationship on track."

"Thankfully our shifts are more coordinated now, so they at least overlap and we have time at home and days off to spend as a family. Plus we have worked through a lot of issues."

"Are you going to take a bit of time off with the new baby?"

"John and I still have to talk about it - once we get past the 12 week mark, I am sure we will be discussing it more. Maybe I'll bring it up on our trip. I am guessing that he will tell me to just take as much time as I want or need."

"That would be nice, being able to take some time off to be a full time mom - maternity leave is so short you barely heal from the delivery and you are back to work."

"I know, it was like that when I had Brooklynn, it was really difficult, I relied on my sister a lot. This time I have John and a nanny, it will much easier."

"Lucky girl, I suspect when I have a baby it won't be that easy. So tell me more about your trip."

"Well, it sounds like mostly the US Virgin Islands this trip, but we might end up on another island too, so we need to take our passports. John has had me reading up on sailing, he got me a book so I have a bit of an idea and he said he will teach me if I want to learn. I guess we can help sail as much or as little as we want, the boat is fully crewed so the meals are all made, and the boat gets cleaned all of that, we just get to have fun and lay around in the sun if that is what we want to do. John and they guys did a trip like this a few years ago, and it was a lot of fun, but they sailed the boat themselves, it wasn't crewed. I can't wait and I have another pregnant lady to hang around with too, John's friends just told us recently that they are expecting, she is probably about 14 or 15 weeks now, and by the time we get on the boat, I'll be about 14 weeks. Not sure if John told them yet."

"You are going to have a great time I have never been to the Caribbean either, I wish we were doing a trip like that, but I bet we could never afford it."

"I have no idea, he is not telling me what this is costing him, I bet it's a bundle. But he doesn't have any debt, so I guess it's okay, I don't really know to be honest."

Rachel frowns at me. "So, do you have any idea how much John has, or how much he makes? I am not sure I like the idea that he hasn't told you, Susan. What if this trip puts you in financial trouble, so you can't pay for the tuition for your daughter's school, or you can't make your mortgage payments. You should sit him down and have a talk about sharing your finances."

I laugh. "Ah, you sound just like John. You know, he has already given me this lecture, I'm the one that doesn't want to know, he would tell me anything, I am just too scared to ask. I mean, I have a bit of an idea, but honestly, I don't like to think about it - it is a _lot_ of money, Rachel. John's family is really, really rich."

"Well, good for him then, you should take him up on the offer to share. And I get that his family is rich, Susan, but it can't be that much money can it? What, they have a few million?"

I shake my head. "No, it is a whole lot more than that, Rachel. I don't know exactly, but it's an unreal amount. I remember when everyone at County found out about his family, he was a 3rd year med student and this guy comes in to get his hand stitched. Turns out it was Mr. Davis, and he recognized John and asked if he could come in and chat while the surgeon stitched up his hand."

"Like the Davis Heart Wing, and the Davis Center, that Mr. Davis?"

"That's the one. John went to school with his son Jim Davis, they are good friends, Mr. Davis just chatted away to John and let the cat out of the bag so to speak. Anyway, guess who is on our sailboat when we go to the Caribbean?"

"No kidding - Jim Davis? John knows Jim Davis."

"And his wife, Tiffany, we went to a party at the Davis house when we were seeing each other 6 years ago. Jim is the one who suggested this trip and invited us to come with them."

"Wow, Susan, so his family, they're multi millionaires?"

"I suspect it's beyond that even, but again, I haven't asked. When I say John has no debt, I mean...no debt. No mortgage, no car payment, no student loans, nothing owing on credit cards. No debt at all."

I see Rachel's expression. "I see why you're kind of scared to ask, but you know what? If he is willing to tell you, then you should find out. You live with him, sleep with him and I assume at some point you intend to marry him, you need to know about his finances. I didn't marry Mike without knowing his financial situation, you shouldn't marry John without knowing his. Though I guess you are in pretty deep, considering you two have started a family, with Brooklynn and this new baby."

"Not to mention the fact that I'm am totally in love with the guy. I kind of know, though, just not exact figures. I have a fair idea of what he makes at the hospital, I just don't know how much his other income is. I haven't worried about it, because he has no debt, and now, I don't either."

"Wow, two doctors with no debt, that's amazing. But still, you should know what is going on with his finances, sit down with him, Susan, just ask him. Promise me you will do it, and soon."

I sigh. "Okay, I will, I promise. I'm not sure I should tell you our other big news then."

"Now you have to tell me. Spill it."

"His grandmother wants us to move into her house."

"Really. That could get a little crowded, aren't you having your niece come out for the summer? And then a new baby in January, I am not sure I would be able to handle it."

I can't help but laugh out loud. "I don't think being crowded is going to be a problem. Her house is...huge. The kids can each have their own bedroom, the nanny can have her own room too and we have room for guests. We will have a lot more room than if we stay at our house.""

"So how many bedrooms does she have?"

"Oh, I don't know, something like 14 or so. I kid you not, the house is massive."

Rachel shakes her head wryly. "Right, so I bet she has a pool and tennis court too."

"Yes, and stables too. If you like to ride you should come out sometime."

"You mean you are seriously going to move out there? And they have horses?"

"They have a lot of horses and I don't have to be living there to visit, the door is open anytime. I can show up whenever, use the pool, go riding, play tennis, whatever. We have a bedroom all set up there, as does Brooklynn, if we stay overnight I never even have to pack a bag, I keep clothes and personal items there all the time."

"So you have two houses then, but you want to move there and give up the house in town?"

"We're still talking about it, but we are going to stay out there for most of the summer as there is more room for the girls. That way they can ride, swim, have lots of room to run around. If it goes well, then we might move out permanently. John's grandmother is 77 and needs him to be around more, he makes a lot of her health decisions, and generally takes care of her. I can respect that, it is not a big hardship to live there, Rachel. She has a full staff, so no housework, no grocery shopping, no worrying about what's for dinner, or any of that. Everything is done, so I can concentrate on work, John, Brooklynn and the new baby when it arrives. His grandmother is busy, she goes out a lot socially, is still quite involved in their family charitable foundation, and the staff have been with them forever, so it is not as strange as you would think."

"What about privacy and personal space?"

"John's room is more like a suite, and it's not like anyone is hovering anyway. There are any number of rooms where you can just go in and shut the door, no one will bother you. I'm sure we'll talk more about it, his grandmother wants to take us out for dinner for John's birthday, then we are spending the next day out at the house. We'll do some riding, relax by the pool, and probably chase Brooklynn around, she loves it out there. Do you ride?"

"A little, I used to ride a bit when I was a kid, but it has been a long time. John wouldn't mind if you took me out on the horses? Will he let you ride now you are pregnant?"

"I can still ride, for a bit longer anyway, I'll have to stop when I start to get bigger, but he said he is okay with it as long as I take it easy. I checked with the obstetrician and she said it was okay, so John is comfortable with it too. The horse I use is well trained - well all of them are well trained - but she is gentle, though there are a couple of horses he will not let me ride, not right now anyway."

"See, he is not as overprotective as you are making him out to be. His birthday is pretty soon?"

"Yup, he'll be 30 on June 4. I was going to ask if you and Mike wanted to go out for dinner with us on the weekend."

"Sounds great, actually, let me check my work schedule, we need to get out more. It is tough, moving to a new city."

"I know, it has been tough moving back to Chicago, so many people have left, you know the ones I used to be closest to are gone, aside from John."

We finish up our lunch, I pick up the bill and put it on the card John gave me. I rarely use it, but I know I will a bit more to buy a few things for our new baby. I run a few errands, and then go home. John is there with Brooklynn."

"Hi mommy, we went to the park, and daddy is going to make me a snack." John is cutting up some fruit for her and places a plate for her on the island along with a drink. It has been hot out today, and she guzzles the liquid down with barely a breath in between.

"Slow down there sweetie. Did you have fun?"

"Yup, I went on the swings, and down the slides, then daddy took me to the beach and we made a sand castle."

"Wow, sounds like a busy morning." I hug Brooklynn, then hug and kiss John.

"Mmmm, your daughter kept me on my toes, but we had a good time. Did you want something to eat too?"

"No, I'm good actually. Rachel and I just had lunch."

"Right, how did that go?"

"Good, we had a nice chat, told her about our trip. She told me that Mike finally agreed that it was time for a baby."

John glances over at me. "Really? Last time we were out he sounded like it would be a long, long, time before he wanted a family."

Brooklynn finishes her snack. "I'm going to play in my room."

"Okay, sweetie." I want to find out what Mike said to John. "A long, long time?"

He watches until Brooklynn is up the stairs then lowers his voice. "If I tell you what he said, I don't know if you should say anything to Rachel."

"Oh oh, this doesn't sound good."

John shrugs. "Maybe he's changed his mind, but his response to the kid question was basically – when hell freezes over."

"What? He said that?"

"Pretty much. He asked me how we work full time as doctors, manage a daughter and why we think it's a good idea to have another baby. I didn't want to tell you this, but if she is trying to get pregnant now, I'm a little concerned. Not that it's my business, but, when a guy reacts like that... it makes me wonder why the hell he's even married. Especially to a woman who obviously wants a family. Even I know she wants a baby and I haven't know them that long, it seems like Mike does not ever want to have children."

"How did this even come up?"

"Rachel told him you were pregnant, Mike was grumbling about how the hints are flying at their house, how Rachel is saying it would be a good time for them to have a baby too. He basically said, thanks a lot buddy, now she is back to whining about kids. Like it's my fault that Rachel is ready to have kids and is making it known to him? She's around my age, right?"

"She's 31, she'll be 32 in the spring."

"So pretty close then, and I can see why she is ready, it is going to get more difficult the longer she waits. So in a nutshell, she told Mike she wants a couple kids, so they should start their family now, and he said he is feeling pressured to either have a baby or lose his wife. Maybe he was just venting, but he said that he didn't understand why Rachel would even want to go through it, she spent all this time and money to be a doctor, and then she is going to take time off to have a baby, or she is going to have the baby and he is going to be the one who has to give up his time to take care of it. You know, all her shift work, they can't afford a nanny or for her to just take the time off like we can."

"Seriously, he said this?"

"Yes, _and_ he said he wasn't really into the whole kid thing, didn't understand how I forgave you for having Brooklynn 'without my permission'." He shakes his head.

"How did he know?"

"It came up, apparently one of the guys at work, his girlfriend didn't tell him she was pregnant, had the baby, and came after him for child support. Mike is right pissed about that, saying his friend shouldn't have to be financially responsible for the baby as he didn't have a choice. The girlfriend is taking this guy to court now, as he won't voluntarily pay, she is going to have to force him."

"Oh boy, really? And Mike thinks this is all okay?"

"Yes, he does. So I told mentioned I didn't know about Brooklynn either, but I was still okay with the fact you'd decided to have her. You didn't need my permission to have our baby, no woman should have to ask permission and I felt that personally, I needed to offer support for my child. I made the choice to sleep with you, and that makes me equally responsible for the baby."

"I be Mike didn't like that."

"Not particularly, in his view the woman is responsible for not getting pregnant, if they do it's their problem. He's quite the charmer this guy. He seemed to know that we hadn't planned this one either, and said he didn't understand the need or desire to have kids and why did I let you get away with it. He doesn't want to be tied down with diapers, bottles and all the other crap that comes along with babies."

"All the other crap? Are you paraphrasing or are those his actual words."

"Those are his words. I told him to mind his own business as far as you and I are concerned, we obviously have different views on taking responsibility. I don't deny there were points in my life that I was happy to not have that kind of responsibility, but I would never have run away from it, and I think you know that...now anyway."

"I always knew that John, it was never about thinking you would deny it or refuse to be a father to your child, but I really believe that was probably one of the points in your life you were happy not to have a newborn baby at home to worry about."

"I don't know, I remember having a conversation with Mark not too long before about how it was to be a father and be trying to get through his residency. Sounds like it was tough, but also something he would not trade for anything. Remember when we had all the OB patients come into the ER? I would have made it work, Susan, it might not have been easy, but we could have worked things out."

"Can I ask, did you ever go through it...the 'I might be pregnant' thing, and do you remember how you felt about it?"

He gives a little bit of a laugh. "Did you? Aside from when you... really were pregnant?"

"When I was in my early 20's I had one time I thought I might be, but it was a false alarm. I was petrified, I was still in med school, waiting to match, and knew it would put a wrench in things. Finding out I was pregnant with Brooklynn, it was totally different, I had been taking care of Susie for months, and I was ready to be a mother. It was a bit scary, but I never doubted, from the moment I suspected I was going to have a baby to the time she was born, that I wanted her. You?"

He nods. "Yes, I'll admit I went through it, and I was happy the test was negative. We had been really careful...anyway she wasn't pregnant, which was a good thing at that point and with that person. And of course, with you, I worried a bit at first, then nothing from you, so I figured it didn't happen."

"How old were you? Did I know her?"

"I'm not going to answer either question, Susan. I don't think you want to go down that road, we've already been through the whole ex girlfriend thing, right? Let's not do it again."

I look at John, and I have a feeling the answer is yes, I know her, but he's right, I should probably leave it alone, after all it happened before me, or at least when we weren't together. Still, my mind starts to sift through – Harper? The surgeon? Rena? Tiffany? Roxanne? I have to stop myself. "You're right, I shouldn't be asking you that, I don't really want to know."

"No, you don't, if I was smart I would have said no, because now it's going to drive you crazy, right?" He seems intense for a moment, his eyes narrow slightly, it's like he can almost read my mind, that I am trying to guess who it was, but he goes back to our previous conversation. "Anyway, with Mike and Rachel, I hope it goes well for them and I hope I'm wrong." He sighs. "I get a bad vibe off of Mike, he is not a guy that I see being happy with a newborn baby in the house. Especially since he doesn't want to be the one taking care of the kid, he doesn't seem particularly…..warm sometimes. I like Rachel at lot, but Mike…not so much."

I think about my conversation with Rachel at lunch and my heart sinks. John sees the expression on my face. I know for one I need to rescind the offer to go out with them on the weekend, and also I start to examine what she said a little closer.

"What?"

"Oh, we were just talking about...well you know how when I'm sick or there is something wrong, you take care of me, and I do the same for you. Rachel said that Mike is like a big baby when he's sick, but he can't stand to be around when she's not feeling well. He goes out with the guys instead of doing anything for her. She also made a comment about... their sex life, that it was getting to be the once a week 'if I'm not too tired' kind of sex. Trying to have a baby has made it somewhat better, but maybe their marriage isn't that strong."

"Hard to say. It happens at lot, work, kids, all the outside stresses can mess with that part of the relationship. We had a rough month, family, work and other things got in the way, and it showed. But we got through it."

I think about that month, and the time where he was angry with me about our daughter, and I know I don't want to have those times too often.

"I know, though we did manage to have sex a few times, despite not having a lot of time together. It just wasn't as often as usual, and it felt, I don't know, rushed, we didn't have the time we needed to connect properly. That month I really missed you, how you hold me afterwards, that closeness, falling asleep with you there, I think I need that, I've gotten used to it." I am not sure if I am expressing what I really mean to say here. I have gotten so used to his physical proximity after we make love, how he keeps me close, how he often wraps me up in his arms as we fall asleep, it is not the same when we don't have time for this. The month right after Christmas, we didn't have that with our conflicting shifts and the demands on John with his family. "Sorry, I don't know if that came out right."

"No, I think I get what you are saying. It's a good point, we were rushed, so it wasn't…the same, and it didn't help the situation. We had one bad month, so I can see if it was constantly like that, it could take a toll on a relationship. But, we had our fight, made up, and worked things out, and we have adjusted our schedules to make more time to be a family, to connect."

"It sounds like they were barely sleeping together but they weren't fighting, it's just usual for them. I hope we don't end up like that in a couple years."

"Maybe it is just how it is for them. I don't really want to know or speculate about it. You and I are a different matter, I hope we don't get like that either, if we want to avoid the trap we have to make sure we get away just the two of us, regularly. We're fortunate that we can, we have a nanny who can take care of the kids for us."

"Rachel asked about us, you know."

"What, about our love life?" I am not sure he is all that thrilled with me discussing it, but he should probably be aware of it. "What did you tell her?"

"That it was good for us, but that we had to work at it too, it wasn't always perfect. I kind of shared a bit about what happened with us, you know back about 6 years ago. I hope you're not mad."

"No, it's okay. It was easier for me, my friends got to know about you, about us, yours didn't know anything. You couldn't share back then, I get it. I am sure based on what I know about Mike, she probably is wondering how it is for other couples, though we haven't been together for as long as they have."

"I told her that we had been apart, so we are really under a year as far as being together, it is hard to compare, which is kind of where the other discussion came in."

"Kind of hard to compare anyway, I think what we have is vastly different than Rachel and Mike. It feels like we are moving in the same direction, we want the same things, we enjoy being together, we always have – we have shared a hell of a lot too, we were friends and confidants before we were lovers. Even work wise, how we are such a cohesive team, it comes through in our personal relationship. I don't think they have anything that even remotely resembles what we've built together."

I know he is absolutely and completely on target with this comment. What we have is hard to describe to anyone – working at County with the team of people we had the privilege to share our professional lives with, it has made us understand each other, made us able to work together in adversity. The time we spent on the roof, commiserating, how he was there for me many times, and how I had been there for him too, taught us to rely on each other, to trust each other. His generosity, the time we spent as lovers during those amazing two weeks, his ability to forgive something that for many would have been unforgivable, how we have been able to accept each other as we are, without feeling the need to change each other, all of that has translated into the deep love that has grown, and continues to grow between us. I am positive Rachel does not feel this for Mike, given her comments today.

"You're right, of course. We are completely different people, our experiences are not even close to the same as theirs, so we can't compare it. I'm a bit worried for her, I wish there was something I could do."

"Not much you can do, Susan, except be there for her if things go bad. I don't know what is said between them at home, how they are together in private, so maybe it's all okay. Maybe it's not, but interfering at this point, I just don't know if it would be the right thing to do."

"Probably not, but I'll keep an eye on her, it seems like she loves him, there are no signs he's….abusive or anything." I sigh. "Speaking of us, I promised Rachel something."

"Hmmm, am I going to like this or not?"

"Oh, I think you will be okay – she made me promise to sit down and discuss finances."

He is very surprised. "Really? So you're finally ready? How did she convince you?"

"She told me I was in kind of deep for not knowing much about our finances, that it is crazy for me to not let you tell me. And she's right, I never would have gotten this involved with someone else without this information,

"Glad someone talked some sense into you. We can sit down anytime you want."

"We're both off today, and I kind of just want to get it over with."

"You make it sound like you are going to the dentist or something. It's not bad news, you get that, right? It might make you feel more relaxed about things."

"I doubt that very much, but lets just do it."

"Okay, let me check on Brooklynn, then we can sit in the office. Do you want to make us something to drink?"

About 10 minutes later we are in the office, and he unlocks one of the desk drawers. I put down the drinks and he grabs my hand and pulls me around the desk to sit in his lap. The drawer is open. "I don't really know where to start, so just pick a folder and we will go from there."

"Kind of like a game huh." I reach in and pull one out from the middle.

"Sure, something like that. Open it, and take a look."

It turns out to be investment statements, I close my eyes for a second then I open them and scan down the statement. "Holy shit, John, this is all yours?" Ladylike I know, but it was the first thing that went through my mind. John Carter will never worry about money, ever.

"Yes, it is. My salary from the hospital is enough to pay my bills, so I invest everything I get from the trust fund. I have to take a certain amount every year, and it is indexed to inflation." He pulls out another folder. "This is my monthly income, so hospital pay stubs and the transactions from the trust going into my account." He puts it in front of me, and I am scared to see it, but I opened this door, now I have to walk through it.

I flip through, and his salary is actually more than I anticipated, he is making almost as much as I am, which is a little crazy really, but then again he is Chief Resident and an Attending, he has surgical background too. "I think I need to ask for a raise, you make almost as much as I do."

"Yeah I know, between us we do pretty well, just with our salaried income, and Rosen promised me a raise once my residency is complete on July 5th." He's getting a raise? I think I am going to be talking to Rosen too.

Then I flip over to the next sheet and see how much he is drawing from the trust per month and I feel a little lightheaded, no wonder his investment numbers are so high. Seriously? I take a sip of my drink and a deep breath as he pulls out his bank statements, and shows me the most recent one. "You keep that much in your day to day account?"

"Just right now, usually I transfer it out, but that is going towards our trip, I have to do a payment on my credit card for the deposit on the charter. They split the cost between the 3 cards, mine, Jim's and Ryan's since there are 3 couples on our boat. There are 3 couples on the other boat, but they are taking care of their bill separately."

He pulls out another folder which is for the trip and flips it open. I look down at him from my perch on his lap, and shake my head at the bill for the charter. "You have got to be kidding. That is a lot of money, John."

"Yeah, well, I can clearly afford it, right? This is something you need to get used to, when we travel it will often be first class, and the trips are going to be nice. We have 9 people on the boat, and we have chartered a luxury yacht with a full crew. It doesn't come cheap, but you have never been there and I want it to be memorable. We get two cabins, one king for us and a double for the girls to share, meals are included, open bar – though I guess neither of us will be drinking much alcohol. There are a couple small sailboats, some jet skiis, snorkeling gear, it is all there for our use."

I lean down and give him a kiss. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Everything, the trip, being so generous with what is yours, taking care of me and our daughter. For being you."

"Your welcome, but you know I do it because I want to, money doesn't mean a whole lot if you don't have someone to share it with, Susan. I want to share it with you, with Brooklynn, with our new baby, you are my family."

"Still, I love you for it, you know, after what I did I hardly deserve it." I kiss him again. "Anything else I need to know?"

"Ummm, yes. I have a couple more things, the balance of my trust fund, Brooklynn's trust fund, the education fund." He pulls out another piece of paper which is a summary, including the house, all of his accounts and the trusts.

"Okay, now I feel a little nauseous. I don't know if I should even ask how much your family is worth."

"Now you have a good idea of my net worth…my grandmother's assets and the foundation assets….I don't know exactly but they are in the hundreds of millions. Well over $800 million I would guess, based on the last financials I saw for the foundation."

"Ahhh, I see why you laughed that day at the park. Spend all her money, now I see why you thought that was funny. You're doing pretty well too."

"I suppose I am." He is serious for a moment. "I have been meaning to talk you into going into the bank with me, I would like us to have a joint account, but I knew it might take a bit of work to convince you. Maybe I can now."

I sigh. "Okay, as long as we can talk about it. What are you thinking?"

"Oh, just having an account that you have access to for anything you need. I don't ever want you to feel like you need to ask, I want you to be able to get what you need when you need it. You have a credit card, but I notice you barely use it."

"I haven't needed to, really. Now that I have no debt, my salary covers everything without a problem. No rent, no student loans, no daycare, all of that is gone and I almost don't know what to do with my money now."

"So you see my problem, I don't have much to pay either." We take a few minutes and go through some of the other bills, utilities, taxes, the nanny, groceries and I can see it utilizes some of his salary, but he still has a huge monthly income from the trust. "This feels good, letting you in on this stuff, I hated feeling like it was a secret. Of course this is our private information, so I appreciate you not sharing it with anyone else, but I like you knowing."

"Surprising, I am not quite as intimidated by all of this as I thought I would be, and I will keep it all to myself."

"Good, I am happy to hear it. I'm not suddenly a different person than I was before, right? It is good timing, before we go on the trip, you can bet the other ladies know all about the finances, at least Tiffany and Angela sure do, they grew up with money so they are comfortable with it."

"I'm a bit nervous though, John, it is hard not to feel out of place, they all have so much and can buy what they want, when they want to without thinking about it."

"First of all, you don't need to be. They are all nice people, and they don't think that way, otherwise I would not hang out with them. I don't like people who are….well snobby about their money. You will have cash in your wallet, and take your credit card for the trip, so you can buy what you want, you don't need to ask, just use the card like you own it. In fact, you do own it, no one needs to know it's a joint account. If you run out of cash, you can take some out of my wallet, just let me know if you do so I can stop at a bank and get more."

"Did I meet everyone at the party at Jim's house?"

"The ones on our boat were all there, so Jim, Tiffany, Ryan and Angela you've met. Some of the others you may not know, but they won't be around all the time, since they have their own yacht. But I think you will get along with all of them. You know, after Jim's party?"

"What about it?"

"I got some great comments after that, and after the night at the pub. Everyone liked you, Susan, you fit in really well, and you are not all that different from my friends. Just be yourself, relax, and have fun on this trip."

Words cannot express how much I love this man, just like that he has made me feel better, special, loved and much more excited about the trip. "I love you. I don't know how I managed all those years without you."

"I do, you are a strong independent woman, and you don't need someone to hold your hand, though I enjoy being there for you when you need it. Only 3 weeks and we will be on that boat, are you ready?"

"I am now. I'm getting excited, and I guess I should get a few summery things to wear. Do you mind if I buy a few things?"

"I hope you're not asking if it's okay to get yourself some new clothes."

I laugh. "You caught me, let me rephrase. I am going to get myself some new things, maybe a couple new swimsuits, and a few things for Brooklynn too. I just realized a lot of the stuff I have is not going to fit by the time we go, already my work clothes are getting a little tight around the waist."

"Right, that is going to be an issue, I think you should call Tiffany and the two of you should do some shopping before you go. It is about time to share the news, I haven't told them yet, but we can anytime. Tiffany has been before, so she can help you out, and since she's expecting too, you can shop at the same places. You might want to pick up a few things for Susie if you know her size, I am quite all right with you buying her some clothes for the trip, using the card. Get yourself a few new work clothes too."

"It is great you want to take her, John, she is excited, and Joe was amazed you would bring her with us."

"She's family, I already told you that, I know how close you came to adopting her, how much she means to you. She is welcome anytime, for as long as she needs."

It has been an eventful day, John and I work together to make dinner and take Brooklynn for a walk along the lakeshore. It is great how we can almost read each other's minds, we work in concert to get her ready for bed then we have time for us. After our intense discussion about Rachel and Mike, I am even more grateful I have found someone who wants the same things as I do, someone who loves children, is generous in nature, someone I love with all my heart and I know loves me too.

We get ready for bed, and spend some quality cuddle time after making love. I am certain that we are not going to be another Mike and Rachel, I refuse to let us.


	25. Chapter 25

ER is hopping this morning, and everyone is running like crazy. There has been a shooting at a local mall, with victims scattered throughout. As soon as I hear, I phone Louisa, as she mentioned they might go to the mall today, but she has Brooklynn at the park. I update her on the situation, and she agrees to take my daughter home, just to be safe.

John is being sent out on the helicopter to triage and bring in some casualties from the mall. They had asked me to go, but John volunteered, after a few words with Dr. Rosen, he was approved in my place.

We are in the elevator on our way to the helipad.

"How did you get Rosen to agree?"

"I told him you're pregnant and I don't want you there, so I'd go instead. With my surgical background it does make sense, right?" He rubs my arm. "Anyway, even if we don't tell everyone else yet, he knows and will cut you some slack here and there. He has 4 kids at home, he knows what his wife went through, and he agreed he would never want her on site for something like this."

"The gunman is still running around in the mall?"

"They have him pinned down, so he's not going anywhere Susan." His face is grim. "It won't be pretty, sounds like he has shot some kids, but don't worry about me, I'll be fine. SWAT is already working to clear the building, but they need us, Susan, it's part of the job." He enfolds me in his arms for a big hug, I am crying because I don't want him there either. He isn't fooling me, this is a dangerous assignment, how do they know the guy won't elude police and start shooting again? He wipes away my tears with his thumbs and kisses me.

"Susan, really, it will all be okay, I'll be back before you know it."

I know why he does not want me on scene. He remembers all too well what happened to Elizabeth when she was pregnant and went out to the train derailment, it can be hazardous and she slipped, went into preterm labour. Fortunately they were able to stop it, but it could have ended far worse than it did. This time there is a gunman to worry about.

I hug him tight, and he places a hand briefly on my belly, then turns and jogs to the helicopter, bent down low to avoid the backwash from the spinning blades. He places the drug box at his feet and adjusts the headset, giving me a wave as they take off. I watch for a moment as the helicopter turns towards the mall, and then I run back in the door, I need to get back to the ER as we are soon going to be swamped.

I spend a tense morning treating patients, we remove bits of glass, clean wounds, suture and generally try to calm people. Within about 30 minutes of John leaving, we start to get some of the more serious cases, some gunshot wounds, lacerations, and injuries due to slips and falls in the resulting stampede towards the exit. The paramedics are full of news about how spread out the victims are, how crazy the scene is, and of course how they are grateful there are a couple of doctors stabilizing and triaging, it makes their jobs much easier. The helicopter has apparently been back a couple times now, John has been stabilizing and turning the victims over the flight nurse, not leaving the scene as there are too many serious injuries that need attention.

The tv is on at the admit desk, the newscasters filming and chattering about what is going on in the mall. I am dropping off some charts and readying for the next ambulance rolling in when my worst fear comes true. Everyone on scene is scattering and ducking as gunshots ring out, echoing through the television speakers. I freeze, I can barely bring myself to lift my eyes to the screen above me.

" _There appears to be a second gunman on the loose, we have just heard gunfire from inside the mall. There are numerous support personnel inside, including SWAT, police officers, two doctors from local hospitals and two paramedic teams. There may still be members of the general public in the building, due to the size of the mall they have not been able to conduct a thorough search and they are concerned there may now be some hostages. We will continue to monitor the situation and update as new information becomes available."_

I feel my knees go a bit weak and I feel lightheaded. Rachel is nearby, everyone has been paged in to work today. She helps me sit and I put my head between my knees. "Rachel, he's in there, John is in the mall."

"I know, honey, it's okay. John knows how to take care of himself, and there are no reports of further injuries from this last round of gunfire." She asks one of the nurses to get me a glass of water and has me sit for a couple more minutes, but she has to meet another GSW coming in the door, this one is a 8 year old girl, with her hysterical mother, who has some minor cuts and scrapes. I get to my feet, I know there is nothing I can do, and working will help pass the time until John gets back.

It seems endless, the stream of injuries, there were a lot of people shopping today. Finally it slows down a bit, but that is not good news in this case.

" _We have an update from the local police, it appears that there are still quite a few people in the mall, but no one has been able to enter or leave the building since the second gunmen made his appearance. Some of the support personnel are pinned down, unable to assist the injured or evacuate any further casualties. Still in the building are two doctors from Northwestern Hospital, and two paramedic teams. We have no information on their whereabouts inside the mall, or if they have sustained any injuries, it is feared they have been taken hostage as their last known location is close to the gunman."_

I feel nauseous, and I have to run for the bathroom, barely making it in time, before I lose my breakfast. What if he has been shot, what if he's being held hostage, how am I going to manage without him. Please, please let him be okay. I am crying uncontrollably, I don't hear the door open, next thing I know Dr. Rosen is leading me into the lounge and sitting me down on the couch. He pulls a chair up in front of me.

"Susan, he's okay. I promise, John is fine, he is with the other doctor, and one of the paramedic units. Unit 52 Paramedics just radioed in, we are reporting their location back to the police so SWAT can locate and evacuate them. They are with some of the injured, but they have managed to lock themselves in one of the storage rooms, so the gunman can't get to them. They are treating those they can while they wait."

I lift my tear stained face to look at Dr. Rosen's sincere one. "Really? He's okay?"

"Yes, and last I heard they have located the second gunman, and are working to apprehend him. The first gunman has been...neutralized."

Dr. Rosen rises and pours me a glass of water, I sip it slowly, breathing deeply. By neutralized, I take it to mean SWAT had to shoot him, and he is probably dead, but given what he has done today, I am having a hard time feeling sorry about hearing this. The death toll has not been released yet, they won't have an accurate number until they can search the entire mall. I know that today, families have been ripped apart by a needless tragic act, but I am still selfishly grateful that John is alive and well.

"I have to get back into the fray, but take a few minutes to collect yourself, Susan. I know this is difficult, but he did a really good thing today, he saved quite a few lives, including that 8 year old girl that was brought in not long ago. They will get him out of there and back home to you, and your daughter." He squeezes my shoulder and exits, I know they need him, there will be more casualties coming in once they get a lock on the second gunman.

I pull myself together, and go back out to admit. Rachel gives me a quick hug as she darts by, and I pick up a chart and make myself busy. Finally the newscasters report that the second gunman has been apprehended.

"Dr. Lewis, call for you on 2."

"You'll need to take a message, I'm with a patient."

"Dr. Lewis, you are going to want to take it."

My heart flips in momentary panic as I snatch the phone off the wall and press '2'. "Hello."

"Susan, I'm okay." The sound of his voice makes me start to cry again. "They shot the second gunman, and the mall is clear, so we are going to help them evacuate and triage the last of the casualties. I'll be here for at least a couple more hours, but don't worry, you haven't managed to get rid of me yet."

"John, I was so worried, they had the tv on and we heard the gunshots."

"I know, that's why I called, I don't want you worrying for no reason. We had to keep out of sight for a while, but everyone is fine. I have to go, and I will get back as soon as I can. Peter is here too, we will watch out for each other."

"I love you." I feel slightly relieved to hear the older surgeon is on site with John, Peter cares more for his former student that he would ever let on and will do anything to keep him safe.

"I love you too." With that the connection is cut, and I turn back to my patient, wiping my eyes.

The woman is looking at me curiously. "You had someone at the mall too?"

"Yes, he's a doctor here, they sent him out to help treat and evacuate the injured at the mall. He was in there when the second gunman started shooting."

"I saw them, the two doctors. They got me out just before the second round of shooting started, they were pretty brave, going in there, they saved a little girl. Among many others I'm sure."

"I know, she came in here and went up to surgery. I know both John and Peter, they are excellent physicians." I take a deep breath. "Thank you, I'm sorry I am falling apart a bit here. Why don't we get you fixed up."

"It's okay dear, you obviously love him very much. Of course you're worried about him, I am happy he's okay."

I work hard for the next couple of hours, there are reports now that there are 15 dead, with at least another 30 seriously injured, and countless minor injuries.

I am at the admit desk when he arrives back at the ER, he looks exhausted and a bit pale, that is when I see he has blood all over the arm of his flight jacket, which is draped over his shoulders. Peter Benton is with him, and makes him sit on a gurney as he removes some gauze from John's arm and inspects it.

"We need to irrigate this again, and I'll do a proper wound inspection for you." Peter starts to work, I rush over, almost pushing him aside to wrap my arms around John in an embrace.

"You said you were okay, you don't look okay, John."

"It's just a scratch, Susan, Peter is going to clean it up, and suture it, bet it won't even leave a scar." He is forcing levity, but I can tell he is in pain, I can see it in his eyes.

Peter snorts. "Yeah, a bullet scratch. Man, Carter, that was a crazy ass move."

A bullet? "What did you do, John, you got shot? And you didn't tell me?"

"I'm fine, Peter cleaned and bandaged it right away, it just grazed my arm."

Peter looks at me. "As he ran out to rescue a 2 year old who wandered off from his mother. The mother was losing it, Carter ran out and grabbed the kid, hit the floor and kept the kid covered, with bullets flying everywhere. That kid was lucky, not a scratch on him, Carter was damn lucky, the bullet just winged him. It's not serious, Susan, and I'll make sure not to leave a scar." He gently moves me aside, and injects a local into John's arm, then probes the wound carefully. He cleans and irrigates it, then checks his watch. "Okay, I think we can suture it up, but we are going to run you some IV antibiotics."

"I'll start it for you, Peter." I grab on IV kit and get it started, with a bag of antibiotics on a slow drip. Peter has gotten John to recline on the gurney as he starts to do perfect sutures in his arm. "What were you thinking, putting yourself in danger, getting yourself shot." This comes out as a low angry hiss. Now I know he is safe, I'm upset he took such a huge risk.

"What did you want me to do Susan, stand there and watch a 2 year old get shot? I did what I needed to do, I got a toddler back to his mother." His voice is low and even, he is trying not to call attention to us.

I can see Peter shake his head slightly. "He's fine Susan, and I suspect he saved that little boy. It would have been a miracle if the kid wasn't hit wandering around like that."

"I know Peter, but John has his own family to take care of, what about our daughter, John, what about this baby." I take his hand and place it on my belly with my hand over his. Peter shows no surprise, so I'm guessing that he has heard our big news.

John gives my belly a slight rub, but keeps his hand there as he looks into my eyes. "Instinct took over, if that was one of our kids out there, or if it was you, I would want someone to do exactly what I did. Help them. You can understand that? I had to do it, I was the closest, anyone else had a lot further to travel to get to the kid and it might not have ended as well."

I close my eyes briefly then glance at Peter. "He's right, Susan, everyone else was a lot further away. If he hadn't done it, one of us would have – we all have families, children, but it's part of the job. Hell, look at Carter, he was in more danger at County than he was today, a few times. Remember that gang banger?"

"Don't remind me Peter, I have never been so happy that those gang members are good shots."

"What are you talking about?"

"Ah, you don't know. Luka and I worked on a patient, a girl who was involved in a gang war. We saved her, it was close but we pulled her through, and I was alone in the exam room with her, getting her ready to transport to the OR. Haleh had gone for the drug box, when another girl came in and said she was her sister, so I started to tell her she was going up to surgery. The girl pulled out a gun and literally blew the patients brains out. I was standing at the head of the gurney, I ducked pretty quick and the girl left as soon as she accomplished her mission. I was lucky I didn't get hit by anything besides grey matter, I was close enough to be totally covered. Or the day the Demerol addict held a gun to Deb's head and demanded a shot? Right behind the admit desk, lucky Abby was clear headed enough to give him a little extra, he barely made it to the ambulance bay before he passed out."

"This isn't making me feel much better, John, you have come way to close, too many times." I can feel the tears coming and he pulls me to sit beside him on the gurney.

"The point is, Susan, I'm fine, Peter is going to do a great job fixing my arm, and I'll be good as new in a few days."

Peter tries to lighten things up a bit. "I remember what a nice job you did on my sutures, barely left a scar, that was a very nice minimal Rocky Davis. I'll try to return the favour."

"Your welcome. Thank yourself too, guess where I learned to make such neat incisions."

I appreciate what they are doing, and I let myself give a soft teary laugh, I know John got to remove Peter's appendix a few years back, and had great fun with the pictures Hicks let him take. And that Peter assisted on the surgery when John got stabbed.

"You know, it's a damn waste of talent, you really should get back into surgery, Carter. I bet you could have done pediatrics, I know a few surgeons who would have recommended you. It would have fit you really well."

"Maybe, I never really thought about that route, though I enjoyed the pediatric rotation."

Benton laughs out loud. "Yeah, I just bet you did." He seems to realize I am still there and suddenly stops with a sideways glance at me.

I shake my head. "Oh relax Peter, I already know."

"Really?" He seems incredibly surprised by this. He looks back at John who just shrugs.

"Hard to keep a secret at County, you know that."

"I don't know, you two seemed to fly under the radar. You managed to have a kid and no one figured it out."

I glance at Peter. "Well, we kept away from the hospital, we never brought it to work. And leaving town does wonders for secrecy, I left before it became obvious."

"I suppose, but I worked with Carter, I never had any idea who he was seeing. Hell, Keaton was my supervisor and I had no idea."

John looks at Peter and says in a low voice. "A little louder there Peter, I don't think they heard that upstairs. No one here knows, and only a few at County even suspected, thanks to Shirley."

"The OR circulating nurse? She caught on, huh. Okay, looking good." Peter glances over at me then pulls out his prescription pad and writes out two scripts, then hands them to John.

John takes them, scans both, then hands one back. "You can't give me that Peter, the medical board will be all over my ass."

"I'll run it by Rosen before you fill it – he knows right?" He hands it to me and I see what John's concern is, the script is for painkillers. "Carter, man, you really need them. I want to give you shot of Demerol too, but I won't without your permission. It's only 10 tablets, Susan can hold them for you if you prefer, but you are not going to get proper rest if you are in pain."

I sigh, John can be stubborn, and I'm with Peter on this one. "John, he's right. You're in pain, I can see it. You've had a tough day, your arm must be excruciating and you need some sleep. You are not going to heal properly if you can't sleep."

"Rosen is the only one, aside from Susan who knows, and of course it hurts, I won't even bother denying it, you both know." He stares at the floor. "If you run it by Rosen, then fine, I'll let you give me the shot and I'll take the script. Susan can fill it and keep track of what I'm taking." He looks up at me. "Will you do that?"

"Of course, I want you to get better, and I really think you need them, and if you need help with it, then, no problem."

Peter moves off, pulls Rosen aside and has a quick word, then they both come over. Rosen takes a look at John's arm. "I agree, Dr. Carter, you need something for the pain. I'll sign the chart, and if there is any blowback from the State Medical Board, I have your back." He signs off on the chart after Peter makes a couple more notes. "Dr. Benton, you'll follow on this, and make sure he doesn't come back too soon?"

"Yes, I'll be his doctor for this, he can come see me when the sutures are ready to come out."

"Good job out there today, both of you. Dr. Benton, you will be a great addition to our team, welcome aboard. Dr. Carter, take a few days off, until your doctor here clears you to come back. Dr. Lewis, do you have a shift tomorrow?"

"Yes, 7am-7pm."

"Not anymore, stay home and take care of Dr. Carter, please. Get some extra rest, take care of that baby." He squeezes my shoulder and disappears into an exam room.

"Congratulations, Peter, it sounds like we will be working together again?"

Peter grins. "Thanks."

One of the nurses comes by and offers to bandage John's arm.

"I've got it, thanks. I'll finish up here, I am sure there's still lots to do." Peter prepares a shot of Demerol for John and has him lean back on the gurney while he injects it. He double checks the wound, then he carefully dresses it. "All right, man, you take it easy, come and see me in a few days, when you feel like you are ready to come back and I'll check it for you. Certainly come see me before go on that fabulous trip, or if you have any problems. You know the drill. I need to get home." He pats John on his good arm.

"I'll fill your scripts, then since it has quieted down, I'll see if I can take you home. Why don't you lay down for a few minutes." He lays back on the pillows and closes his eyes, waiting for the Demerol to kick in. I check in with Rosen and he agrees I can leave. I stop in the lounge to pick up our things from the lockers, then I sign out at the desk and collect John. I drape his coat over his shoulders and we go out to the parking lot, fortunately we have the car today, so we don't have to take the L or get a cab.

We are soon home, Louisa is watching a movie. She gets up as we come in the door, observing John's bandaged arm and bloodstained shirt.

"Rough day at the office?"

"You could say that, John ended up at the mall, managed to get himself shot saving a little boy."

Louisa's eyes widen. "Glad you are okay, must have be a tough one. I was watching the coverage, you were there?"

"Yes, I had to go on the helicopter, spent several hours there. It was awful, I am happy to be home."

"You were one of the doctors trapped in the mall?"

I nod at her.

"I am sure you're glad the day is over. Do you need me for anything? If not I will get out of your way so you can get some rest."

"Thanks Louisa, we are good, thanks for staying a bit late tonight, you're a gem." John smiles faintly

"You're welcome." She gathers her coat and bag, then departs.

"Can I get you anything? I could make us some tea before you go to sleep."

"That would be great, but could you help me get this shirt off and cover my sutures so I can have a shower first?" He is looking incredibly pale and exhausted.

"Sure." We go up to our room, I help him get out of his shirt and put a waterproof dressing on his arm, then turn on the water to warm up. "Need anything else before I go downstairs?" I unbuckle his belt for him as he seems to be struggling with it, I think he is now beyond exhausted.

"I'm okay, just make sure I'm not asleep in the shower in about 5 minutes."

By the time I make tea and come back up, he is propped up on some pillows in bed, shirtless. I suspect it was too much for him to try and dress beyond some sweat pants. I hand him some pain medication and he takes it without complaint or comment, and I know he is hurting more than he is letting on. I change the dressing again, putting on some fresh gauze while he sips some tea.

"Do you want a shirt?"

"No, I'm fine, I don't think I want to go through the effort right now."

I brush a stray lock of hair off his forehead. "I'm going to shower, be back in a couple." I take a long shower, it has been an endless day. I brush my teeth, put on a sleep shirt, and go back into the bedroom, John is fast asleep, his breathing soft and even. I join him in bed, give him a gentle kiss, then flick off the light. I am sure I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.

I awake to the ringing phone, I squint over at the clock, it's about 9am. John is still totally comatose, he barely even twitches as I reach over and grab the receiver.

"Hello?" I whisper.

"Susan, is everything okay?"

"Rachel, hold on." I slip from bed and quietly leave the room, I don't want to wake him up. I pad down the stairs. "Sorry, John is still sleeping, I didn't want to wake him up."

"How is he? I didn't get a chance to talk to you before you left."

"He's okay, just exhausted and sore."

"He took a bullet I hear, rescuing a little boy."

"Flesh wound, a pretty deep one. He'll be fine, but he's off for a few days, and Rosen told me to stay home too."

"I was a bit worried when neither of you came in, but sounds like you're okay."

"We are."

"Sorry about the weekend, Mike has been in a bit of a foul temper. We will have to try and reschedule."

In the kitchen, Brooklynn is at the island, munching on some toast and drawing a picture. I drop a kiss on her head, then push the button on the coffee maker.

"Mommy, you're home!"

I smooth her hair and smile, then answer Rachel. "Don't worry, we can get together after our trip. John is not going to be up for much over the next few days, then we will be gone for three weeks. But maybe you and I can have a coffee sometime the week before we leave." I doubt John will be that upset he didn't get to see Mike, but I still want to go out with Rachel.

"Sounds great. Hey, I have to bail, there is another trauma coming in. See you soon."

"Bye." I hear the click as she hangs up.

John appears behind me in the kitchen, he still looks pale, but much better than he did last night. He has managed to get himself dressed in some jeans and a casual button down shirt. Brooklynn bounces off the stool. "Daddy!" She launches herself at John before I can stop her, grabbing his arms, hitting the bullet wound. He usually swings her up into a big hug, but today he just can't, I see the shadow of pain cross his face, as it turns ashen.

I gently pull her back, as John almost collapses onto a chair. He takes a deep breath as Brooklynn looks at him with concern, ready to burst into tears. John sees this and reaches out and pulls her onto his knee and gives her a hug. "It's okay sweetie."

"You have to be gentle with daddy for a few days, okay?"

"What's wrong, daddy?" She looks up at his face, a very sad expression on her face.

"I got hurt at work. I had to help some people and my arm got hit by a bullet. I'm fine, my arm just hurts a bit, so I can't lift you for a few days, and you have to be careful, okay?"

"Someone shot you?"

"Yes, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Don't worry, the police took the man away, so he can't hurt people anymore."

"So they took the bad man away."

"Yes, they did."

"Okay, I'll be gentle daddy."

"Thanks sweetie."

While they have been talking I have pulled out some painkillers and the antibiotics for him, I get him a glass of water and he takes them without comment. I know he is in pain, and how hard this is for him.

"Hungry?"

"Not very, actually. Some coffee would be great." Now I know he is not feeling great, John can almost always eat.

"Why don't you relax, do some reading or watch a movie. I'll take Brooklynn out for a bit, then make you some lunch." I pour him a cup of the fresh coffee, and he nods. I send Brooklynn upstairs to brush her teeth and get dressed, and help him get settled on the couch. He has a pile of journals to catch up on and a carafe of coffee nearby. I make sure he has a blanket and a comfy pillow. I make him a bit of toast, he nibbles at it a bit, but cannot seem to eat much.

"Mark any good articles for me."

"I always do. Have fun."

By the time we get back from the park, he has fallen asleep, slightly on his side with his arm propped up on a pillow. His brow is slightly furrowed, I think even in sleep he is still in discomfort.

I motion for Brooklynn to be quiet so she doesn't wake him. We spend some time making some cookies and she reads me a couple books. Later in the afternoon, John comes into the kitchen, looking a little groggy. He gives us both a warm kiss and hug, true to her word Brooklynn is being very careful not to touch his arm.

"Feeling better?"

"Quite a bit, I think I dozed off there for a while."

"Passed out cold is more like it, but you must have needed it. Get any reading done?"

"Some, found some interesting stuff, so I put stickies on for you."

We have a late lunch, and eat some of the fresh baked cookies, though I note he still picks at the food, eating very little. I make him take more pain medication before we watch a movie with Brooklynn, then we order in some dinner.

I work 7am-7pm the next day, and Louisa takes Brooklynn for the day, she has a dance class and then needs to go out to the house for some riding lessons. John hangs out at home, I check on him a couple times during the day, and he seems okay. I have left him a couple pain tablets to take, he has promised not to let the pain get out of control. I really think that is what happened to him before, his pain wasn't managed properly and he went back to work too soon.

He is spending his time off working on a research article he has been writing, and he is still reading through some journals. I am happy he has something to occupy his mind, that will let him recover fully. He hates sitting still, so this must be tough for him.

When I get home he has already fed Brooklynn and gotten her ready for bed, she is reading a book, snuggled up to him on the couch.

"There's spaghetti and salad in the fridge if you're hungry. Might be a few cookies left."

"Wow, getting all domestic. I kind of like it." I tease, giving his cheek a gentle brush with my fingers.

"Don't get too used to it. Besides my cooking still isn't that great."

I laugh as I move into the kitchen to get my dinner. It is actually really delicious, I think he is learning to become a good cook, despite his protests. After I eat, I take Brooklynn up and tuck her into bed. John is reading again, and I pluck the journal out of his hands and take a look, dropping onto the couch beside him. I read for a few minutes, he has picked up another journal and is flipping through.

It is a very interesting article, well written, about emergency medicine and pediatrics, but what catches my eye is the name at the bottom. Dr. Abby Keaton.

"Is that her?"

"Ummmm, what?" He was engrossed in another article, and blinks at me.

"This article, its written by Dr. Abby Keaton."

"Oh, yeah, I know. I read most of her stuff, she publishes a lot, and she is truly a brilliant surgeon."

"Is that the only reason?"

"What other reason would there be, Susan. I haven't seen her in years, but she is a well-respected surgeon, everyone wants to work with her. She has done some ground breaking research, and she's great with the patients too. I was very lucky to get that rotation, none of Benton's other interns got to work with her." He looks over at me with a bit of a frown, and I know I am treading into dangerous territory. It _is_ her, the surgeon he had the affair with, based on his comment about not seeing her in years, but just because he got involved with her only a couple months after I broke up with him, does not give me the right to be jealous, and I know it. I broke up with him, and told him it was nothing, just a fling, he didn't know about Brooklynn, and I moved away. I left him, not the other way around, he did what I asked, and moved on.

"None, you're right, she seems amazing actually, this is a terrific article."

He looks at me for a second longer then puts his good arm around me and I lean on his chest while I continue to read. Damn, this woman really is brilliant, I realize, as I start to read her biography which is included on the opposite page. She has won numerous awards, she has a huge list of publishing credits, and she has done overseas NGO work and seems in great demand for speaking engagements as well as having a thriving practice. "I can't believe you got to work with her, that must have been interesting. You helped her with a journal review?"

"Uh huh. I didn't get to have my name on it, as I was first year surgical, but I helped her with a couple, and helped edit a few of her articles. She edited a few of mine too, it was a great learning experience to have someone who as has published so much read your work, and getting the chance to edit for someone who is such a terrific writer."

"She gave you good tips?"

He laughs. "Of course. Have you ever read anything I've published?"

Wait, what? He's published? "No, I can't say that I even knew you _had_ published."

"Sure, haven't you?"

"Not much."

"You're on tenure track, Susan, you need to bring in some grants and publish, or they're going to pass you over. We should figure out a study and get you some funding, so you can apply for tenure. If you want tenure that is."

"Who reviews and edits for you."

"Benton, Weaver, Aunspaugh, Hicks, Keaton, and Corday have all edited my work at different times, and I have a few other colleagues I've called on that you may not know. Rosen and Benton will probably do the one I'm working on now, and Peter wants to do a joint study, he called me today to see how I was doing, and he has some ideas. It will be pretty convenient, he is starting at Northwestern officially in a few days."

"Wow, I better get on it. Do you think Rosen or Benton would review for me?"

"Sure, if you asked them. I'll edit for you too if you want, I'm getting pretty good at it. Start paying attention when you're reading articles to see whose writing styles you like." He got up off the couch and disappeared into the office for a minute, then came out with a few journals. "This is the review I did with Abby, or one of them. The part I've marked in quotes is my writing, the notes might be in there with her comments on them. Keep in mind that is from when I was in surgery, so like about 6 years ago, I think my writing is probably better now. There are a couple of my articles in the other two, and the fourth one is another review I worked on with Abby, again the notes are probably in there with her editing on them."

I notice suddenly she is not Dr. Keaton, but Abby. I push the thought away, he knew her pretty well, apparently, of course he called her by her first name.

I flip open the first one, and true to his word, the original notes are there, with edited notes, a second draft with the revisions, and then the published review in the journal with quotes around it. I read through and have to admit, John is a pretty good writer, even the editing Keaton did on his first draft was minimal, and it melded nicely with the rest of the review in the published journal. I flip open and find his published study, and I am blown away, the article is extremely well written, another hidden talent.

"Okay, I'm impressed, how much editing did they do on this."

"Not a lot, I got some great feedback, if you ever want to see the drafts along the way, I can dig them out, give you an idea of what the process looks like."

"Well, if this is your work, then I would love it if you edited or reviewed for me, it would be helpful. I have worked hard on teaching and the clinician side, but I haven't really published anything like this John. I need it for tenure?"

"Yes, absolutely, so you need to pick a study topic, get the grants and get working on it. If you don't have any good ideas, I have a list I'll share with you, it might help"

"A list?"

"Yes, I jot things down when they occur to me, when I'm reading articles or when I see an interesting patient, I have written up a few patient cases and published those. If Peter and I get funding for this new study, then I'll be busy for a while and won't be able to use them anyway. It will a major grant, I'll hit over $1 million and I am home free for tenure."

What? I have some major catch up to do, he is almost 4 years younger than I am, and he has almost accomplished the requirements for tenure? I am not sure where I have been...oh right, being a single mother, which to be fair, I chose for myself.

We lapse into silence and we read for a while longer, I notice something else as we do. John reads extremely fast, he whips through about 3 articles for my one, and I am very quick myself. Finally we go up to bed, he seems to be feeling a lot better, though I get him to take some medication for his arm. It has been a couple days, and he still has pain pills left, so he is keeping it under control.

Once we are ready for bed, I pull him to me and give him a warm kiss. With him in pain from the wound, it has been a few days now since we made love, and I want to be with him tonight, and I hope he is up to it. It turns out, he is, and we have a sensual, steamy, love making session. I fall asleep happy and content, snuggled in his arms.

The next day I'm off work, and I have arranged to meet with Tiffany for lunch and shopping. John has made sure I have my credit card in my purse and he tells me to buy whatever I need. I have been frustrated in the mornings lately, nothing seems to fit, I have been changing into scrubs at the hospital. John keeps telling me to buy some proper clothes, I have several months to get through. I don't have a belly so much as my waist is thickening just enough to make it impossible to wear anything in my closet.

We'd had coffee with Jim and Tiffany over the weekend, and told them about the new baby, and John has told Abby and Jing-Mei as well, so everyone at County will probably know by now too. Of course Peter and Rosen know at Northwestern, as does Rachel, so it won't be a secret anywhere soon.

"Susan, you look great!" Tiffany gives me a quick hug, she is actually quite a sweet lady, I can see why John considers her such a good friend. It is still a little bizarre to be hanging out with one of John's ex-girlfriends, but it doesn't seem to faze her at all. I guess it really has been several years since they were together, and they were teenagers at the time.

"You too, so exciting that we are going to be having babies around the same time."

"I know, and we get to hang out in the Caribbean for three weeks. That is going to be so much fun. John told me you have never been, so you might need some help picking a few things? He thought I would be better at it than him, and I know where to shop, considering we both need maternity wear."

"I would appreciate your assistance, I need to pick up a few things for work too. My clothes are getting tight already, my chest seems to have expanded, and my pants are shrinking, I swear. John has been bugging me to get some new clothes, I am having trouble finding anything in my closet that fits now."

We stop and have lunch, both of us choose salads with chicken, I am trying to eat as healthy as possible, now that the morning sickness has subsided. Once we are done, we visit a few boutiques that carry maternity clothing.

"This would look great on you, Susan." Tiffany is holding up a cute casual dress in a light material. I have to agree, she has great taste, and soon I have a huge selection of clothing. I spend the next hour trying on multiple outfits, some for our trip, and quite a few for work as well. Tiffany has picked quite a few items that will get me right through to the time I leave work. The clothing is beautiful, fashionable, and I feel great wearing it. Last time I was pregnant, it was a struggle to afford the clothing, this time I can buy whatever I want.

She gives me either a quick nod, or a little shake of her head, and I take her advice. She always looks fantastic, and I can quickly see in the mirror she is right in her assessment. I spend an obscene amount of money, she wants me to purchase everything that looked good on me, and she has me pick out a couple new bathing suits, several pairs of shoes and sandals, some new sexy sleepwear and quite a bit of sexy lingerie. I wince at how much I have charged, but John told me I should spend what I need, so time to see if he really means it.

Tiffany has picked out a few items for herself too, but my haul is massive. We drop it all off in the trunk of my car before we move on to the next boutique.

I hold up more sexy lingerie. "I'm not sure I need this."

Tiffany smiles. "Sure you do, you are going on a vacation, with your man. You think John won't appreciate seeing you in that? You definitely need something nice for the bedroom, even if it only stays on for 30 seconds. If it stays on longer than that, then you have a problem, but I'm betting it will hit just the right note."

"Hmmmm, maybe you're right. I like to steal his shirts and sleep in those, but he is a guy, a little satin and lace couldn't hurt."

"Silk, satin and lace are always a good thing, especially if you want to make things a bit special, keep a little spice in the bedroom." Tiffany takes her turn and tries on a few items, and picks out some of her own sexy sleepwear and lingerie. "Jim is going to love this stuff, and trust me, John will enjoy your sexy nighties. You have 3 weeks, no work, no schedule, you need to take advantage of that, have some great vacation sex."

I laugh. "We will have two girls with us as well, so we aren't going to be exactly able to throw away the whole schedule. Though, we will have a lot more time than usual."

"Jim and I are happy to assist with the girls, and give you and John some time to get away, alone, to have a little one on one couple time. We'll do the same for Ryan and Angela, everyone traditionally pitches in on these trips, so all the adults have some alone time with their significant other. Trust me, you will have a few nights where you and John can sneak off and do whatever you like." She glances over at me. "That is, if you want to have time." She raises an eyebrow.

"Oh, don't worry, John and I make time, we have a very healthy relationship that way, so if we have the chance for some alone time, we will take it."

"Good. You know, Jim and I have been together for six years, and we still make the time. I am relieved to hear that you and John do too, even with a 5 year old daughter."

She is very direct and open, and I can't help but be the same. John and I talk like this all the time, so as odd as it seems, I feel comfortable talking to her. Even considering she is one of John's ex-girlfriends, though I guess that means she knows what he likes, as much as I don't want to think about it. "I have a good friend who is having issues with her husband, not enough couple time, the intimate part of the relationship is suffering and I have vowed that is not going to happen to me and John. We both treasure that physical intimacy, and I can't imagine he would be happy if we didn't have that."

"You've got that right, he wouldn't. Neither would Jim for that matter. You have a huge benefit, being with a guy like John, I would use that to your full advantage."

"What exactly do you mean?"

"I think you know, or you should by now, but, in short you can afford to take time to be together, even with kids in the picture, you have a nanny right? Set up a date night and make sure you are taking time to connect. Jim and I do it all the time, go on dates, and it really helps. I've known John a long, long time, I know he has a romantic side, he enjoys the physical side of the relationship, but you know that already."

"I noticed, believe me. I have to say that was quite unexpected, he only shows a certain side at the hospital, but the night we got together was pretty amazing. Have you ever wondered about a guy, you know, what it would be like to be with them?"

"Of course, what woman hasn't had a little sex fantasy about an attractive man." She smirks. "So, you had a few little fantasies about playing doctor with him?"

"If you tell him any of this, you better sleep with one eye open on the trip."

"No way, I promise I won't tell, Susan, this is girl talk, not for sharing with the guys. I bet he would like it, probably offer to make it come true for you if you shared your fantasies with him."

"Ah, well, he already did…make it come true, I mean. I was tempted to invite him in to my apartment a couple years before we actually got together. I wondered afterwards, what it would have been like to have sex with him. Then the night we finally did sleep together, it was amazing, far better in reality than I imagined. I had one of those moments, when I thought damn, why didn't I sleep with him two years ago?"

" _Really._ Well, well, must have been a pretty fantastic night."

"Oh, it was. I didn't want to go home, but it was such a different situation. I can't even begin to explain, but I stayed, I wanted to stay and he seemed to want me to stay. Best decision, ever." I don't say it out loud, but I am pretty certain if I had left after the first time we had sex, my life now would be totally different, I wouldn't have gotten pregnant that night, we might not have even slept together again. I might have missed out on two terrific weeks, falling in love with him, _and_ having another baby with him. It would probably just have been awkward when I finally saw him at the hospital, but the way it turned out, we had a hot affair that I have never regretted.

"I think things happen a certain way for a reason. I don't know the details of what happened between you two, but I did know he liked you a lot. Now he loves you a lot."

"He didn't tell you?"

"No, he doesn't share those kind of details, Susan, he was never one of _those_ guys. There were a lot of guys like that in our school, but John was not one of them. I could tell you had undeniable chemistry, I could feel it between the two of you, the way he acted when you walked in, the flirting between the two of you, the body language. I was watching, I knew he was interested in you and it seemed like you returned the interest. I've known him a long time, I can tell when he's attracted to someone, and I was happy to see the two of you together."

"I actually asked him about you, I was wondering if you were his girlfriend, or if he had one."

"No, I had started dating Jim by then, and he didn't have a girlfriend, I know he had been dating a bit, but fortunately, he was unattached that night."

"That night changed my life forever, that's for sure."

Tiffany smiles. "No kidding. Do you think…that you would have gotten together at some point anyway?"

"I don't know, honestly. I was just in this headspace, we were away from work, I was relaxed as we'd had a few drinks, and we had this great conversation. I think the alcohol let me lose the inhibitions and just go with the attraction, I let my guard down I guess. When we hung out usually it was on the roof at County. We spent a lot of time talking up there, but we couldn't drink, and we were at work, so it couldn't go anywhere, it was safe, even though I knew I was physically attracted. Does that make sense?"

"Kind of, I know it was against the rules, right? So your head was overruling your heart, so to speak."

"Basically, until we got onto neutral ground, where there was nobody from work to interrupt or catch us. Suddenly I just didn't care, I wanted to go home with him, have him make love to me, so flirted with him, then I kissed him, he kissed me back, he invited me to leave with him, and the rest is history. I don't know how I had the courage, it could have ended both our careers. It was quite interesting when everyone found out about us, though of course we had successfully hidden it for 5 years, so that was the big talk, how did we manage to evade detection."

"With the added bonus of a daughter, right?"

"Oh yeah, that got some mileage, I'm sure. But at that point neither of us cared, we were kind of busy."

"I know, John and I talked, he was kind of upset about the whole thing, he was in a little bit of shock for a while."

"I think you are being kind, he was more than upset, Tiffany, and you know it. But, we figured it out, good thing he loves me or I would have been in big trouble."

"That he does, and you're right, he was more than upset, but you know, you both seem really happy, so it's good you came back. He had been dating, but he wasn't finding what he was looking for."

"I'm totally in love with him, I have been for a long time. I had a thing for him when we got together, the night I met you in the pub, and I developed some serious feelings while we were together, but no way was he ready for a family at that point."

Tiffany looks at me with interest. "I don't know about that, he could have done it – been a dad and finished his medical training. I think you know…John and I dated in high school, and for a while when he was in medical school. The point is, I know him really well Susan, I have known him since he was 13 years old and I think he would have managed it."

I shrug. "Maybe, but there were career risks, he could have lost his internship, the relationship we had was against hospital policy. I protected both of our careers – he was working 95 hours a week at the hospital, 36 hour shifts at least a couple times a week. I did a medical residency, there is not time for a personal life."

"I can't believe the hours he put in, no wonder he fell of the grid for so long." She sighs. "I know he would have liked to be there, and he would have found a way, he always does. He understood your concerns, I bet he would have let you move so you wouldn't endanger your career, and maybe he wouldn't have been there all the time, but he is in a unique position, he could have at least help support his daughter. Made your life easier."

I recognize that Tiffany knows an awful lot about it, John must have felt comfortable to confide in her. She has known him a long time, maybe he would have pulled it off, I just don't know.

We finish up our shopping, then we go into another store and I pick out a few items for Brooklynn and Susie with Tiffany's assistance. I really have spent a ton of money, I'm a little nervous to see what John says when he sees the statement, but Tiffany doesn't even blink at the amount, I consider that a good sign.

"Susan, are you okay?"

"Sure, I'm just not used to spending this much money at one time. Do I have to show him how much I spent?"

"Who, John?"

"Of course, John."

"I don't think he'll care, you've seen his closet."

"Yup, both of them, I have never seen a guy with so many clothes. He has one wardrobe at our house, and another one at Millicent's. I remember the first time I saw the one at his grandmother's house, I couldn't believe it, he has more stuff than most girls I know."

Tiffany laughs. "That's pretty accurate, but I bet I have more than he does, Jim a little less. John knows how to dress, and it is expected of him, he's been groomed his whole life by his grandparents. He's the namesake, the favoured grandchild. I bet you have some catching up to do, we have made a good start today. He dresses well, so should you. Did he give you a limit or something?"

I laugh "No, he just said spend what I need to, whatever that means."

"It means buy whatever you want, give him the receipts, smile and give him a big kiss. Get used to it, he has more money than he knows what to do with and he is choosing to share it with you. I can guarantee you, he will not be shocked or upset about what you spent today, he probably won't even twitch."

"I know."

She stops and turns towards me. "You know? Good, if you want to be with John, you are going to have to get over the money thing. I know you aren't one of those women who are looking to be with him for that reason, but you need to get comfortable with the fact he has it. You are too far the other way, too worried about _not_ spending any of his money, rather than relaxing and recognizing your life has changed, forever."

"I get it, and I'm trying, I really am. I finally am using the credit card at least. He told me that the card is mine to use as I like, but we both know who is going to be paying it. We went and opened a joint account too, and he added my name on to both vehicles and the house. I am letting him do it, because he wants to, I didn't ask him."

"What we spent today is a tiny drop in the bucket, Susan. If you are making things joint, you must have let him share what he earns as income and how much he has in assets with you. I don't know his financial details, so don't tell me, but I do know he is phenomenally wealthy."

"We sat down not long ago and went over all of that, so yes, I know the details, he's got a lot of money, way more than I ever imagined, but…that's not why I'm with him."

"He knows that, and I know that, but it doesn't mean he is not going to share what he has with you. You have a daughter, you are having another child with him, you love each other, chances are, you are going to end up marrying him. If you want the relationship to last, you are going to have to get used to it, learn to enjoy it, it's not such a bad life. First class travel, and lots of it, a nice house, private school for the kids, no financial worries, ever. When we get on that yacht, I don't want you stressing out about how much anything costs, if it's too much, John will tell you it's too much. "

"It's hard though, I'm not used to it, saying I need to get used to it is easier said than done."

"Maybe, but you know what? You fit with him. I have known John a really long time, and I think you are who he has been waiting for, the woman who has made him truly happy. He needs a strong, independent, intelligent woman, who can be part of both of his worlds, the social society side demanded by his family, and hardworking doctor side, and you are that woman. Susan, you need to start acting like his wife. When we get on that boat, most everyone will consider you to be his wife."

"But I'm not his wife."

"Yes, you are. Maybe you haven't exchanged vows or had the big white wedding, you don't have the ring yet, but you have what matters – his love. He has totally committed himself to you, he has never, ever done that with anyone else. You live with him, sleep with him, you have a family with him, you are combining your finances and your life, the married part is just a piece of paper and some jewellery. My best advice to you, is while we are on this trip, act like he has already married you, _be his wife._ If you act like you belong, everyone will treat that way, and accept you."

I realize she is right, at this point we are pretty much living like a married couple, I just don't have the diamond ring. Well then again, I kind of have the ring. I look at my sapphire and diamond ring, and know, this might as well have been an engagement ring. I can see Tiffany watching me. "I guess you're right, he treats me like I'm his wife, doesn't he? How did that happen, I got married and didn't even know it." I give a little laugh.

"Sneaks up on you, doesn't it? Don't worry, you'll get the chance one day to accept an actual proposal." She looks at me intently. "There is something else I want to discuss with you, I'm glad we have this time before the trip."

"You're making me nervous, what is it?"

"I don't mean to, but you are new to the group and I want you to be forewarned about the dynamics. Our boat is going to be laid back, Ryan and Angela, you and John, Jim and I, we are committed couples, the married ones if you will. We could have gone with one boat, and put all six couple and the 3 kids on board. However, Jim, Ryan and John had quite a discussion about it, and decided it would make for a more pleasant trip if we split the group onto two boats to help avoid drama."

"What kind of drama?"

"The other couples are not at the point we are, there might be a couple ladies on the other boat who are not that committed to who they are with, they are not above going after someone else's man. Especially one that is not yet legally married, but a real catch, you know the rich, good looking doctor from a prominent and affluent Chicago society family, the favoured grandson?"

"So John in other words."

"Yes. Trisha is…a gold digger, and has had her eye on John for quite a while, so you are going to let her know in no uncertain terms, that he is yours, and you are not giving him up. Jim asked Jordan not to bring her, but I think he is going to anyway, so be forewarned she will flirt with John and try and get between the two of you. _Don't_ let her cause trouble, no matter what she says, John is not and never has been interested in her."

"He knows what she is, right?"

"Oh yes, he knows she wants to marry rich and influential, love has nothing to do with it. John's family is very, very rich and incredibly influential, his grandmother knows everyone, the Carters are old Chicago money, high society, everything she craves. John's mother, Eleanor - her family is influential in New York, the Ferguson's have almost as much money as the Carters. He is her perfect target, blue blood on both sides of the family tree, dating back 5 or 6 generations. As long as he doesn't have a ring on his finger, she will think he's fair game. She made a play for Jim at one time too, his dad is even wealthier than Millicent. Fortunately he knew her game, and didn't give her the time of day."

"So he's what, a billionaire?"

"Most certainly, yes. My family is well off, but my parents struggled a bit to keep me in private school. Jim and John's families just routinely sent their kids to private school and didn't even blink at the tuition, and you probably know they paid for John's medical school, however many hundreds of thousands that cost, and they paid for his cousin Chase."

"Yes, John told me, Millicent wants to pay for Brooklynn's education too."

"Anyway, we will make sure she knows, early in the trip, that you and John are expecting a baby, that you live together, that Brooklynn is his child. Hopefully that will put her off, but don't count on it. She is known as the happy home wrecker in our circle, so we made sure she is not on the same boat as John, and we won't leave her alone with him either."

"Why, you think he might be tempted?"

She giggles. "No, we think he might throw her overboard and drown her, murder charges would ruin the holiday, if anyone decided to report her disappearance. He has very little patience for her, he will probably keep you close to him for the first bit to give her a message – he is off the market. He has committed to you, and he will make sure she knows it."

She gets a bit more serious. "Everyone on both boats will probably know the history, specifically the fact that John and I dated in high school and for a while when he was in med school. She might try and create some drama around that. Jim went to school with us, he knows a lot of the crap John and I got up to, he knows quite a bit of personal stuff from that time, and unfortunately Trisha does too."

"Okay, so is there some big skeleton in the closet?"

She sighs. "Maybe a few small ones, a lot of things happened when we were teenagers, John was my first real boyfriend." I am not sure why she said that, but I have a suspicion about what she means. She stops and looks at me for a second. "John and I dated a bit during the summer I got together with Jim, but John and I weren't serious, and we broke up, decided we were officially and totally over. We talked about Jim before I started to date him, and John was okay with it, no hard feelings and he was happy for us. There were a couple things that got complicated, but we worked it out, and we both moved on."

"All right, well John and I weren't involved until that night at the pub, so whatever happened before that, I can't really get upset about, can I. Unfortunately, John has dated quite a bit and I have had to deal with the ex-girlfriend thing, I have met a few of them. I worked with him while he was dating another med student even."

"Or it might be fortunate, he played the field, he knows what he wants, and he's found it with you."

"That's certainly an optimistic way to put it."

"I know, it can't be easy, Jim is pretty cool with it, but I think sometimes it bugs him too, that John and I were…together. He knows that nothing is going to happen between John and I, and frankly Jim played the field himself, I have run into his exes at social events, and I went to school with some of the girls, I know he slept with them. He has to deal with my exes too, I am sure John has met at least a couple of yours."

"Oh one or two, though he seems to have more exes than I do, and they all seem to live in Chicago or have a connection through work, where I left some of mine in other cities."

"So we all have a past, and on another positive note, he was a pretty good boyfriend, he didn't pull some asshole move that made us break up. We just realized we love each other, but we're not _in love_ with each other and we both wanted more in a relationship. I was falling _in love_ with Jim, so John walked away, he let me move on, and in the process he moved on and found what he was looking for, it's just taken longer for him to get there, due to your specific circumstances. I love Jim, I married him, John was the best man at the wedding. John loves you, you have a family with him, and Jim wants to be the best man at John's wedding."

"In other words, don't worry about it, and enjoy what I have with John. I kind of reached that conclusion already, no one can change what is past, and there is no point stressing about it. What matters is what we do with our time together, and if he is committed to me, and our family, that is all I can ask, really."

Tiffany smiles. "Exactly. Hey, let's grab a tea and then we should get back. I like you Susan, you are good for him, and I think we will be very good friends.


	26. Chapter 26

I walk in the front door and hear voices, I know John's but the other is very familiar as well. However, I have a lot of packages still in the car, I must have at least 30 shopping bags, so I decide to bring those in before I see who is here. I make two more trips to the car, and finally I have everything in, it looks like Christmas.

I follow the familiar voices, and find John in his office with none other than Peter Benton. They are sitting on the couch with a bunch of papers on the table in front of them. Brooklynn is sitting at the desk, doing something on John's laptop, likely a game he has loaded for her. She bounces up and runs to give me a hug as I come in.

"Hi sweetie." I give her a little hug. She runs back to the desk. "Peter, nice to see you. Didn't know you made house calls."

"Only in special circumstances. The arm is healing nicely, we can remove the sutures in a few more days. I had some papers I wanted to go over with Carter before you two leave on your trip, and I didn't want him to have to go into the hospital or he would get dragged into the vortex. If we can sort out some details, it will allow me to work on a few things while you're gone, get things rolling for that study."

"Right, John mentioned you had something you wanted to work on with him. a pretty big study?"

Peter nods. "He'll be able to fill you in now he has some details."

"How was the shopping? Have fun?"

"It was good, I found a lot of clothes, Tiffany was very helpful and I got a bunch of things for work and our trip. Went a little crazy actually, but she has a great eye."

"That she does, always has. Anyway, as long as you had fun." Just wait until he sees the living room, though I guess I should hide some of it, I want to surprise him with the lingerie on our trip. "I'll let the two of you get back at it, I'm going to put some stuff away and work on dinner. I need to dig out a suitcase, not sure where mine is."

He points over in the corner, and I can't help but smile. There are two sets of suitcases, and I can tell they are brand new, there are enough bags to pack for me, Brooklynn and Susie. "I'll take them up for you in a bit, and you have a few days to pack yet." I go over and inspect them – Louis Vuitton?

"When did you get these? You didn't say you were out shopping, you're supposed to be home recuperating, not out buying luggage."

"I ordered them on the phone, had them delivered this afternoon, I knew what I wanted. I think we donated your old suitcases at some point, and we were a little short of bags when we went to Florida."

"These are perfect, I love them, thank you."

Peter stands up. "How about I'll take them up for you Susan, Carter should be taking it easy on that arm."

John rolls his eyes. "Not like they're that heavy Peter, I don't think I would strain myself taking up some suitcases."

I ignore John's protests, anyway, I am sure there is something Peter wants to talk to me about. "Thanks Peter, that would be great." He lifts the suitcases easily, and takes them out. He stops and does a double take at the living room, then he laughs and shakes his head.

"Leave anything in the store? Hate to see the credit card bill after this one, but then again, it's Carter, so I bet he doesn't care."

"I didn't bring home the whole store, I just have a wardrobe crisis, nothing fits anymore."

"Of course, I keep forgetting." Peter graciously carries up the bags, he looks around the room quickly, then he leaves, reappearing with a huge pile of the shopping bags, then he brings up another load for me. "This is a really nice place, how long have you lived here?"

"I moved in February, I think John bought the house a couple years ago. I love it here, convenient to everything, and it is nicely set up."

"Great area too, I'll have to ask him how much he paid for it, Cleo and I need to move closer to work."

"I think it was pretty pricey, the houses here are kind of expensive."

"So big mortgage then…or not, since this is Carter we're talking about." Peter smiles ruefully.

I just laugh and shrug. "Ask him, I'm sure he'll tell you what the prices are for the houses in here, but several hundred thousand is a good ballpark. I sure couldn't afford to live here if I hadn't moved in with John."

"How is he doing, anyway? He seems better, any problems with getting him to take some pain medication? I told him not to come back to work until you get back from your trip."

"Probably wise, we are gone in a few days anyway. He has been really good, I know the first couple of days he was hurting a lot, but we have reduced what he is taking. I have been making him take it easy, he has caught up on a lot of reading, done some writing, and is keeping it light. I think he learned from last time, he can't push it or rush back to work, he went back too soon last time, didn't he?"

Peter nods. "He did, but I believe there was a lot going on in his head, and it was easier to shut it out if he was busy, had other things to focus on. But, I'm glad to hear he has been more patient this time, you've been good for him, he can be very stubborn when he gets his back up. Drives me crazy, but it also makes him a great doctor, he doesn't let anyone push him around. He has stood up to me on more than one occasion, the student became the teacher at some points, I am going to enjoy working closely with him again."

"That is something I never thought I would hear from you Peter, but he is full of surprises, isn't he. I never thought we would end up together either, but we did."

"Boy, did you ever. You and Carter with two kids, never would have guessed, but it seems to work for you, you both appear to be quite happy." He cocks his head slightly. "Has he told you what we are thinking? You should come in and listen to what we are planning. You can give your opinion, it will affect you to a certain extent, I know he doesn't want to fully commit until he has run it past you."

"No, he just mentioned a study. I'll get organized here quickly, then maybe I'll come in. Did you want to stay for dinner?"

"I don't want to intrude, Susan, and you know I'm vegetarian?"

"I know Peter, we worked together a long time. We would like it if you stayed, I think I have just the thing."

"Okay, maybe we can chat over dinner, then, Carter and I can get some of the ideas a little more solid."

Peter goes back down to the study, and I sort all the vacation clothes I purchased, along with all the toiletries I need for the three weeks, and get them organized in one of the suitcases. I am excited, I think I am almost packed. I hang up the new work clothes, sorting my old clothes as I go. I pack up anything that is getting a bit worn and put them aside for disposal, then put my other clothes in storage boxes, I won't be able to wear them for several months, so I get them out of the way. I feel much better, and I'm excited about my wardrobe, though it will be interesting to see what John has to say when he sees the bill.

I take the bags with clothes and items for Brooklynn and Susie into the other bedroom, then I go down to the kitchen and make a sumptuous vegetarian spread. The great thing at John's house, there is always a lot of food. He has the housekeeper shop for groceries, and she also preps some meals for us. I happen to have all the makings for falafels, and I add a large green salad and some steamed vegetables.

I wander into the study, they are both still discussing and making notes, so I sit on the arm of couch beside John and put my arm across his shoulders. "Anybody ready for some dinner?"

"Yes, I'm starving." John has regained his appetite. Everyone washes up for dinner, and we gather around the table. We do not use it often, we mostly eat at the island in the kitchen, but it is nice to have guests once in a while. I think we need to start doing it more often, though I guess we will be moving out to the big house soon.

Peter looks impressed, and digs in. "This is excellent, thank you Susan."

"It's yummy!" Brooklynn pipes up and she demolishes a plateful pretty quickly, as does John.

The conversations flows easily around the table, John and Peter play off each other's comments, I wonder what it must have been like up on the surgery floor. They both have a great sense of humour, which is doubly shocking from Peter, he was so serious most of the time when he was at work. To see them sitting around, so comfortable in each others presence, chatting and joking around is a bit of a miracle

I pull out dessert, a pie that Corrine had made for the freezer. I had baked it while we were having dinner, and made us some coffee. "What is the study about?" I place slices of fragrant apple pie on the table.

"That looks great Susan, I love apple pie." Peter digs in with gusto.

John glances over at Peter, who nods. "Peter wants me to double board in surgery, but work in the ER. See if having an Emergency Physician with more surgical training would improve patient care. We wouldn't have to wait for a surgical consult whenever there is a double boarded Physician in the ER. We can just send them up."

I frown for a moment, sounds like Peter is hellbent on getting Carter to finish his surgical training. No doubt he has displayed surgical talent, we see it day to day in the ER, and I am betting it wouldn't hurt to have a few more emergency doctors with a bit more surgical background. "Isn't that a huge commitment for hours, though?"

"Not if they give me credit for the year I have done, no scut work, no post op monitoring or that sort of thing, it will be treated as a trauma fellowship, my hours wouldn't change, except making sure Peter and I are on the same rotation. He would directly supervise my surgical training. We could probably get Rosen to pull you into our rotation, at least until January. You'll be off for a bit, though we still have to discuss how long you want to be off work."

"Carter would get a fairly substantial raise, commensurate to the extra responsibility he would be taking on, not that income is necessarily an issue for you. He would be an attending in the ER, and be a surgical resident at the same time. Rosen likes the idea, and we have some funding lined up to cover the extra costs, it will offset salary increases for both of us, and the hospital will count it towards our grant money. We can publish the results, Rosen and a couple of the surgeons upstairs will edit and review for us. It puts us both in good tenure position, which I admittedly need more than Carter does, he has published a crazy number of articles, and has some pretty prestigious editors." He lifts an eyebrow at John.

"Yes, Peter, Abby, reviewed and edited some of my articles."

"Do you think you could get her to review this one?"

John shrugs. "I have no idea, she's pretty busy, I haven't kept in close contact, so I would have to think about that one. Contacting her out of the blue, I'm not sure it would be appropriate." He gives me a little sideways glance, I know he is going to want to discuss this with me, he is being sensitive to how I feel about the previous girlfriends.

"I suppose, let's see how it goes. Anyway, what do you think, Susan?"

"I don't have a problem with it, as long as it doesn't take John away from us too much. Being in the ER sucks up enough hours without adding on study time and surgery. I think we should discuss it a bit more though, how much do you want this?"

"I'd like to do it, but I hear your concerns, we have a young family, it's not fair for me to be tied up at work more hours than I am now. I don't want to miss too much of this kids lives, it's a real balancing act. However, if I don't need to do the crazy hours, recognizing I might get caught in surgery now and again during my training, no worse than the major trauma that comes in 5 minutes before end of shift or being on call? The thing is, once I commit I have to follow through."

"I know, I guess I need to see how this is structured in a bit more detail. I know you devour journals, and continuous learning is part of the job, but surgery is a whole other specialty, think about the hours you had put in to get where you are. You are just finishing as Chief Resident in July, going to full Attending, about to go on cruise control, and here you want to take on a whole new challenge."

"I think I need that though, the continuous learning, I like a good challenge. I can balance the time I spend on journals with the studying required for surgery, but I'm sure it will be much easier this time. After all, I have more years in, I have learned the anatomy already, it will be brushing up and refreshing a lot of the techniques I learned in my first three years. I use a lot of it day to day in the ER, as well, so it should be at least a bit easier than coming in from med school."

Peter is watching the conversation go back and forth between us like a ping pong match, and he grins. "So Carter, how do you like married life, I thought Cleo and I were bad."

John laughs. "Ah, it's not so bad, this is a pretty reasonable discussion, and you have to admit, all her points are valid."

"Besides we're not married, Peter."

"Sure you are, this is about as married as it gets, Susan. Cleo and I have never officially married either, but we live together like we are, we are raising Reese together, we have these kind of discussions. I consider myself married, you two even have kids together, so you are even more married than I am."

Seems like everyone has the same view, even John didn't make any issue of Peter calling us married. "Married life is pretty good overall, then." I capitulate. "I'm just not sure I want my _husband_ to make this kind of commitment right before we have a baby." I put the stress on husband to see John's reaction, but he just laughs.

"Sounds like my wife, doesn't she? Who says we're not married?"

"Oh boy, now I started something. Anyway, back to the topic at hand, let's brainstorm this a bit more, the great thing is, it's our study, so we can make it into what we want, as long as it makes sense and it is a valid study, giving us the answer to the question at hand. The point isn't to work Carter into the ground, but to find a reasonable way to teach an Emergency Physician enough surgical technique and knowledge to assess patients and liaise with the surgical floor. Reduce the drain on the surgical unit, and make patient assessment quicker and more efficient. You all know that a GSW needs to come up, but what about the hot appendix or a lot of the other cases that come through, where you need to wait for the surgeon on call to come down. That surgeon could be in an OR instead, clearing the board, if we have someone in the ER all the time who is trained to properly assess surgical need."

We sit and discuss things a while longer, I have always known Peter is extremely intelligent, and a talented surgeon, but it brings home how far he has come in his career. He makes some very astute observations, and I notice his personal interaction is much more fluid, more comfortable. I wonder if that is an influence John has had on Benton, where the student became the teacher. Bedside manner has always been a strong part of John's success as a doctor, Peter struggled with it, but seems to have learned a lot.

Brooklynn is getting tired, so I have her say good night, then take her upstairs to get ready for bed. I leave Peter and John in the office, still hashing out details.

It is getting late, and I hear John say good night to Peter. He comes up and looks around. "Either you were teasing and bought nothing or you got it all put away."

"I put it all away. Wait until you see the credit card statement, you'll know I was shopping. Peter almost fainted when he saw the number of bags, it was kind of funny."

"Bought enough to put Peter into shock? Good job, then." He steps in and surveys the closet, noting all the new clothes hung up, and neatly packed suitcase on the chair. He reaches in and lifts up the corner of one of the satin nightgowns out with a little grin.

"Hey, no peeking, John, those are for the trip."

"I think I am going to really enjoy this vacation, if that is what you have in store. Maybe you should go shopping with Tiffany more often. You got along okay?"

"You might rethink that when you have to pay off the credit card."

"Oh I very much doubt it. How much did you spend?"

I rattle off the figure and he fakes shock, but I can see his eyes, they have a little sparkle in them. "I spend that much on some of my suits." He jokes with me. "Seriously though, I am happy to see some new clothes in the closet, you do need them or be stuck in scrubs for the next several months. You needed stuff for our holiday, you definitely aren't going to want to wear scrubs on the yacht and hopefully you picked up a couple things for the kids."

"Tiffany was convinced that it wouldn't be an issue, so I took her advice. She's great by the way, we had a terrific time. I got a few things for the girls, but if we have time after Susie gets here, I'd like to take her out for a quick shopping trip, a girls day out."

"Good idea, I don't want her to feel left out or out of place, see what she brings along, then get her what she needs. Susie is done school tomorrow right?"

"Yes, Joe is expecting you on Thursday morning, he'll meet you at the airport, Susie will be all ready to go. I just told him we would be on the yacht, but I have no idea how good he is at packing for a 7 year old girl."

"Not a problem, we'll make sure she has everything, and maybe you could pick her up a few things for school in the fall. Later in the summer, when you get Brooklynn ready for school. Peter told me he is not letting me come back until after the trip, so I have the time to fly down and get her. I hope she will be okay with just me, but it's a short flight, and Brooklynn will be at home waiting for her."

I slide my arms around his neck. "Thank you for doing this, flying down to pick her up, taking her on the trip, buying her clothes, and allowing me to have her here for the summer. It means a lot." I feel his hands settle on my hips.

"I'm happy to do all of it, she's your niece, and I am looking forward to seeing her too. I haven't seen her since New York, and that was such a short visit. I hope she has fun up here with us, and on the boat."

He leans down and his lips capture mine, sparks fly, and a shiver of desire goes down my spine. I am not at all worried that we will have the same issues as Rachel and Mike.

Thursday morning, John gives me a little shake and brushes my lips with his. "I'm heading to the airport, we will be back in a few hours. I'll bring the girls by the hospital this afternoon, once we have Susie settled in."

I get up and ready for work, Louisa arrives and takes Brooklynn to the park to burn off some energy, she is excited to see her cousin later today. I check my messages and John has phoned saying his flight is boarding on time.

It is quiet today, and Rachel and I have a chance to take a coffee break together, we walk in the early summer sunshine.

"How is John doing? I hear he is not coming back to work until you get back from the Caribbean."

"He's good, but Dr. Benton feels he should wait, so Dr. Rosen has told him not to come back quite yet. I think he is going to come in for just a few hours to pass on some files to the new Chief Resident, as she will be starting in July while we are away. He is bringing the girls in later today."

"The girls? Is Susie here now?"

"John flew to San Antonio this morning to pick her up, so he'll be back this afternoon, it's about 3 hours to get down there."

"Wow, he went to get her? That is a long day of travel, going down and coming right back."

"He wanted to do it, I had a shift, he's off work and we wanted her here a few days before the trip. Give her a chance to settle in and so we have a chance for a quick shopping trip. If you have time, maybe you would want to come shopping with us?"

"Might be fun, let me know when you're going, and if I'm free, I'll join you. I'd love to meet your niece."

We get back to the hospital and it picks up a bit, before I know it, I hear a voice. "Auntie Susan!" I turn to see Susie, I sweep her up in a big hug, I have missed her so much.

"Oh sweetie, it is so good to see you. Did you have a good trip?"

"Yes, we sat in these big comfy seats, and Uncle John got me a snack and a drink. It was fun, I've never sat in the front of the plane before. Then Brooklynn showed me her bedroom at your house, she has lots of toys."

I look over and John is leaning against the admit desk, keeping Brooklynn with him so I have a minute to talk to Susie. He gives me a little wink, and I know it all went well in Texas. I take her hand and walk with her to the desk. "No problems with the flights?"

"Nope, everything was on time. Joe is doing fine, he says thank you for taking Susie, I told him we would have her call him regularly from the boat, since we may not always have cell phone reception. We have to use the satellite phone on board."

"We are going to have a lot of fun, right girls? Thanks for bringing her in, John, what are you doing this afternoon?"

"I'm taking the girls out to the house so Susie can see the horses and the girls can go for a swim. Gamma wants us to stay for dinner, so I'll bring you back one of Corinne's goody bags. I guess she's set up another bedroom right next door to Brooklynn's, in case Susie wants her own room, or the girls can share if they prefer."

"Or I can come out there, if you want to stay. It might not hurt to pack up and move out there now. I know we only have a few days, but you're off work. Is there much that needs to be done at the house before we go?"

"Not really, I can probably come in tomorrow, pack up what I need to take out to the house. I had something else I wanted to talk to you about, do you have time for a quick coffee?" He looks around, clearly not wanting everyone to overhear.

"Sure, lets take the girls for a little walk, they can play at the park while we talk."

We walk down to one of the vendors, each get a cold drink, then take the girls to the park. "Nothing serious I hope?"

"Not at all, I just…well Peter is looking for somewhere to stay closer to the hospital, and we are going to be out at the house all summer. I thought maybe we could offer to let him stay in our house for a couple of months until they find something. It would be great to have house sitters, we won't be there much. The guest room is all set up, or we would need to pack up our bedroom, move out all the clothes and personal items so they could use that. They have Reese, so he needs a room too."

"So we wouldn't have the house for a couple months? But I guess we don't need two houses, did Peter ask about staying at our place?"

"I offered the guest room once in a while if he needed a place to stay, he was asking about how much houses are in the area too, but I don't think he and Cleo can afford to buy one near us. The best they could do was rent one, and it even crossed my mind to offer our place to them as a rental, if we move out to stay with Gamma."

"Not a bad idea, actually, if we move. But I would be okay with them staying there over the summer for sure, your right, house sitting, though I guess it means we will be out at Millicent's for sure, with no place to stay in town."

"True, so think about it, I might let them stay while we are out of town, though."

"I don't need to think about it, just offer it to them for the summer. I have to get back." John calls the girls and they give me hugs, then I leave, I know they will all have fun out at the house.

My shift is finally over and I drive out to Millicent's, it is still a bit strange to just walk in, but John has told me I need to treat it just like home. I run up and have a quick shower and change, I see a good number of my work clothes have migrated into our closet, John must have gone back to the house and done some clean up work. I run down to the kitchen, John is there with the girls, he has my dinner ready for me, both girls are having a snack before bedtime.

"I heard you come in, so we warmed up your dinner, I picked up a bunch of stuff at the house, brought out Susie's suitcase, and as much of the stuff out of the closets as I could. I'll finish up tomorrow, pack up our bedroom's and the personal papers from the safe and office. Peter, Cleo and Reese will move in to the house in a couple days, I'll get Jenna to come in a few days early and give the house an extra good cleaning, strip the beds and do the fridge clean out for me."

"Peter liked the idea then?"

"He did, it will give them a place for a while, until they can find a place they want to buy. We'll leave it fully furnished for now, they are putting their stuff into storage, and we can decide later what else we want to take, if we decide to move permanently."

We spend the next couple of evenings going through the house and packing anything we want out at Millicent's, and putting a few things into the storage room. Our room is devoid of personal items and clothing, and John has arranged for all the boxes and clothing to be moved to Millicent's house.

Jenna comes in an starts her cleaning while the last of the boxes are carried out, and the house is almost ready for Peter and his family to move in.

Rachel and I take the girls out for a bit of shopping, and inspection of Susie's suitcase shows that Joe really does not know how to pack for a tropical vacation, or she just doesn't have suitable clothing. I find this rather odd considering they live in Texas, it is considerably warmer there than Chicago, yet she has nothing. John took one look and just told me to have it, get her whatever she needs. Both the girls are incredibly excited as we get them new bathing suits, sundresses, and other summer clothing for the trip.

I meet Tiffany for a coffee a couple days before we are ready to leave, and we end up in a formal wear store.

"Jim has a couple of events we need to go to when we get back, and it wouldn't hurt for you to have a few pieces either." She pulls out a few items for herself, then gives me a few to try on.

The dresses are gorgeous, but I hesitate to purchase too much. Tiffany shakes her head and insists I try them on, one in particular is a fabulous Ivory dress which is light and looks amazing. I think it will even still look good in a few weeks once my belly expands. It seems to have popped out overnight, I note that I am growing extremely fast this time around.

I do purchase two dresses, I see her point, if I need to go out somewhere a little fancier with John in the next few months, I am going to need a couple that will look good on me throughout my pregnancy. I decline to get the Ivory dress though, I am not sure where I would wear it.

We finish our shopping and I head back to the house, John is at the hospital handing over the reins to the new Chief Resident, and giving her an orientation. We will be leaving in two days for our vacation, it has been a whirlwind getting ready, but I think we are ready to go.


	27. Chapter 27

We step off the plane on the Island of St. Thomas and a wave of heat hits me. John reaches out and grabs my hand giving it a squeeze, then turns his attention to two very excited little girls. Both Brooklynn and Susie are almost hopping up and down at this point, they can't wait to get on the boat. We are waiting for the luggage and then we will be ready to go to the harbour to board the yacht.

The flight down was a huge treat, Jim's dad is incredibly wealthy, even beyond what the Carter family has, and owns his own private plane, which the 9 of us boarded in Chicago and flew directly down to St. Thomas. I was a little nervous, though my fear of flying has subsided quite a bit, I still get a little tense.

"It's a private jet, Susan, it is maintained far better than any commercial plane, and it has a lot fewer flight hours on it. Trust me, you will enjoy this flight, no connections to manage, no luggage restrictions, and it is way more comfortable. Once we are in the air, you can get up and walk around."

The other couple coming with us on our yacht are Ryan and Angela, with their little girl Alysha who is 6 years old, I remember meeting them years ago at Jim's house, and seeing the pictures of their baby daughter. They are both lovely people, very down to earth, much like John.

The other 3 couples joining us on this holiday are responsible for getting themselves there, I assume they are flying commercial. They will pick up their yacht and meet as off of St. Thomas later in the day, and I assume this was planned to avoid any drama as we kick of our trip.

There was a bit of discussion on the jet, which was enlightening. I hadn't told John about the conversation I'd had with Tiffany, I wasn't sure if I should.

Jim was sitting opposite John at one of the tables, the flight attendant had served everyone refreshments and they were both sipping soft drinks. "Bad news John, Jordan is bringing Trisha."

John sighs. "When is he going to clue in, he's such a good guy, but she keeps taking him for a ride. I am really happy we enforced the two boat rule, then we can send them back to their own space if it gets out of hand." His voice is low, but the plane is not huge, and it is remarkably quiet, so I can hear most of the conversation.

I was chatting with the other two ladies but I kept an ear tuned as the name Trisha came up. I know Tiffany heard it to, and I see her eyebrows go up and she gives me a significant look.

"I know, me too. Have you warned Susan about her?"

"I was hoping I wouldn't have to, but I think we'll need to have a quick chat before the other boat joins us. I really hope she doesn't decide to stir up a bunch of stuff best left in the past."

"I bet. You can tell her you know...if you need to, it was all before you started seeing her, I can't see it being that big of a deal. We all got over it, talked it through."

John says something really low that I can't hear, but Tiffany decides that she is going to jump into their conversation.

"John, I told her a bit about Trisha already."

His eyes cut over to us, and Jim's head turns towards Tiffany. "What exactly did you say?"

"That she likes to poach, that she is known as the happy home wrecker and she will try and stir things up."

John frowns at me, looking a bit concerned. "You didn't mention anything about this conversation. What else did you talk about?"

Tiffany gives a small laugh. "Oh relax John, nothing much, Susan already knows that you and I dated in the past, apparently you already told her that, at least about high school. I let her know we saw each other off and on during the time you were in med school, and for a while that summer during the sailing trip."

"Great." I know from the tone of his voice, he does not mean that it is a good thing she shared so much. I suppose he has reason to be irked, I have lost my cool over exes before, and he has a _lot_ of history with Tiffany, at least that is what I have gathered.

Jim hasn't said much, but he gives Tiffany an annoyed look, and I know there is probably quite a bit that wasn't shared, those three have some secrets between them, of that I have no doubt.

They change the subject, but I know John and I are going to be getting into it at some point during this trip. It is inevitable, if they are correct about Trisha stirring the pot.

Jim and John have arranged transportation to the harbour, soon all the luggage is loaded and we are on our way. I step out of the car and my mouth must drop open, the yacht is absolutely huge, and is like a floating resort. John has told me it has 3 very luxurious King cabins, along with two smaller cabins with a connecting door that the girls can share. The cabins seem nicely space, we are at one end of the corridor with Ryan and Angela at the other, and the girls rooms in between. Tiffany and Jim are around the corner, we will have some privacy while in our cabins.

"It's a beautiful boat." Tiffany can see I am in awe, but this is normal for her. She has been hanging out with this crowd for years, and even if her family was not quite as wealthy, I am sure she has had a lot of travel opportunity. "It's amazing, way beyond what I was expecting." I shake my head, then gaze at the yacht again.

Tiffany laughs. "Ah, don't worry about it Susan, just enjoy it. They used to do trips like this all the time. You know John's family sailed down every spring, they used to have a yacht quite a bit like this one, though not as big. John sailed down with Jim and his family a few times too, when he was a teenager. We would have used the family yacht, but it is being refurbished, its dry docked right now."

"You're used to trips like this, I'm not. We're not even married yet, and I have traveled more with him in the past few months than I have in my whole life. New York, Florida and now here."

"Remember what we talked about. He is totally in love with you, he wants to share what he has, with you, and your daughter, who is also _his daughter,_ and your new baby. Just get used to it, this is your life now."

I smile at the pep talk, Tiffany is definitely going to be great on this trip, she is incredibly supportive of my relationship with John.

John grabs my hand and takes me to our cabin which is as luxurious as a suite at the Ritz. It has a plush king size bed, a private bathroom and even a little sitting area. There is a large flat screen television on the wall, apparently we have satellite service on board so we can watch movies or listen to music privately in our cabin, or as a group in the large recreation area. It also allows us to use the phone, but for limited calls.

We put the three girls in the double adjoining cabins, which each have a double bed. These are just slightly down the hall from us, so we have privacy but the girls are close enough to knock on the door if they need us. The three girls are already fast friends, after a brief introduction on the plane, they became inseparable.

We don't tarry in the cabins, we go up on deck and I watch as we cast off, we are going to sail around the island. Jim, John and Ryan jump in and help – apparently it is encouraged for the guests to provide as much or as little assistance to the crew as they like, and the guys love to sail. The little girls are clamouring to help, so they each supervise one of them and allow them to assist in getting the vessel underway. I go over to see what they are doing, and John gets me involved too. He really is a great teacher, he gets me working hands on and I appreciate the book he had me read, I understand enough of the lingo to actually be helpful, rather than a hindrance.

Once we are underway, Tiffany, Angela and I decide to do a little lounging in the sun, we all retire briefly to our cabins and put on our bathing suits. I am wearing a bikini, and other than the baby weight I have put on, I am still way below where I was when I came back to Chicago, so I feel pretty confident wearing it. My belly is just slightly taught and rounded at 14 weeks along, it is starting to be noticeable. I put on a cover up and a pair of my new sandals and make my way to the sundeck. Tiffany and Angela are just about to order some drinks made with fresh squeezed fruit juice, so I get one as well.

We all choose loungers, and peel off our cover ups, then relax, I'm taking her advice to just enjoy being here on this amazing luxury yacht in the Caribbean.

Tiffany looks fabulous in her bikini, her belly is slightly bigger at about 18 weeks, but only slightly. Some women have all the luck, she has a cute little baby bump, I am almost as big now, and I'm 4 weeks behind her in term. I hate to see how big I'll be at 18 or 20 weeks. I don't remember being this big with Brooklynn - I was still just able to fit in my regular clothes.

"You look great. I hope my belly is little and round like that when I get to 18 weeks, but I doubt it. It is definitely not fair, I'm almost as big as you."

"I see you have a nice little belly there, but it looks good on you. I love that bikini, did you bring both?"

"Yes, and John said there are some great shops here, so I might get a couple more. We are out at his grandmother's house all summer, so I have a pool to lounge around when it gets hot."

"We will all have to get together. The girls are getting along famously." Angela is a lovely brunette with vibrant hazel eyes, and I like her already. She has been a good friend of Tiffany's since high school, but she has welcomed me openly. I feel surprisingly comfortable, John was right, his friends are really nice people, and have accepted me as part of his life.

"I would love that, we have Susie for most of the summer, she lives in Texas, near San Antonio but we convinced her stepdad to send her to us for a couple months." I don't mention Chloe, I don't think they know anything about her, and I am not ready to share that story.

"Have you told the family about the new baby?"

"John told Millicent a while ago, and he was talking to his dad a few days ago, and told him then. He hasn't heard from his mom for a while, so she has no idea. We're going to see my parents as soon as we get back."

"Typical Eleanor." Tiffany sighs. "You are better off without her in your life. I hate the way she treats John, she is a cold woman."

"I know, I met her just after Christmas, I don't mind if she stays away."

"Have you had an ultrasound yet?" Tiffany sips her drink.

"Not yet, as soon as we get back the doctor wants to do one. As you can see, I'm growing nicely, and I'm pretty sure about my dates, so they didn't see the need quite yet. Have you?"

"Just before we came, but we didn't ask if its a boy or girl, not sure yet if we want to find out."

We start chatting about the girls, and it turns out Alysha is attending the same private school as Brooklynn. We are soon laughing and sharing stories, I feel totally relaxed as I sip my ice cold fruit juice and lounge in the sunshine.

The guys come over with the girls in tow, and the stewardess comes by allowing them to order and also offer refills on our drinks. The girls chatter about how they helped sail the boat then John settles them at the table with fresh juice and snacks.

John soon flops into the chair beside mine. His eyes travel down my body and he has an appreciative little smile on his face. "I like that bikini on you." I smile back, it makes me feel good that he still finds me attractive, even with my growing belly. Now that my morning sickness is over, and his arm is healing, our love life has been exceptionally great.

"Thanks, I bought it the other day. Could you put some sunscreen on my back?"

"Absolutely." He sits up and I hand him the bottle, then sit with my back towards him and he takes his time putting on my sunscreen, gently rubbing my shoulders and making sure I am well covered. I lie back on the lounger and he continues with my front, giving my belly a nice rub as he finishes up. He pauses for a moment, looking thoughtful, I see him glance at Tiffany and back at me. I frown at him slightly, he picks up on it, and gives me a kiss. I can see there is still something going through his mind.

"What?"

"Oh nothing much, I'll tell you later." He leans in and kisses my neck, murmuring this against my hair so no one else can hear.

"Better be nothing much, I saw you checking out Tiffany in her bikini." I whisper this back so no one can hear.

"That's not exactly what I was doing, not in the way you mean anyway. You know, I love you, right?" His voice is still really low and soft.

"I do know, and I love you too."

"Hey you two, save it for later." Jim teases as he notices our whispers to each other, the kisses we are exchanging.

John peels off his shirt and allows me to sunscreen his back and shoulders. I note that no one comments or even gives a second glance at his scars, I think they all know the story and have seen them before. And I have to say, Peter did a good job at minimizing them, the ones on his back are a bit worse, but the incisions were done well and the suture job must have been exceptional.

However, the wound on his arm is new, Peter removed the sutures before we came on our trip, and John has just finished his antibiotics, and the best part, he no longer needs pain medication. He didn't experience any issues when we came to the last tablet, and he has been feeling good. He has a small dressing on it, before I do the sunscreen I peek inside the gauze. "Looks good, we can probably take that off." I carefully remove it.

Tiffany notices the dressing that was previously hidden under his shirt. "What happened to your arm John?"

John looks at me. "It's nothing, just a scratch."

"Right, that bullet did a great job of scratching you."

Dead silence drops over the group. Tiffany gives a little nervous laugh. "You're kidding right?"

"Ummm, no, she's not." John shakes his head.

"What? You got shot? When?"

I look over at her. "Remember what happened at the mall with the gunmen?" The other four adults attention is riveted on me. "John was sent in to triage, he was one of the doctors trapped in the mall with the second gunman."

Tiffany sits up. "And he shot you? John, you never said a word. And you!" She points at me. "We went for lunch and shopping and you didn't say anything about him being shot. I cannot believe he was recovering from a gunshot wound and you didn't say a word."

"John asked me not to, it's a flesh wound, we think from a bullet ricochet while he was playing hero and rescuing a toddler."

"Playing hero? At the mall, with a crazy gunman on the loose? What the hell John!" Jim sounds a little worried.

John sighs. "The kid wandered off from his mother, the second gunman had bullets and glass flying, and I was the closest, so I grabbed him, got him on the floor until the guy stopped shooting. If I hadn't?" He shrugs. "The kid would probably be dead, he was 2 years old. We get sent on scene sometimes, and it's not risk free." He sounds so nonchalant about the whole thing, but then again, he has been through some extremely hairy situations.

"I was supposed to go, but John stepped in and told them no, and he went instead."

Jim gazes at me. "Yeah, well I don't blame him, I wouldn't let my pregnant wife go to something like that either. I heard it was an ugly mess in there, 15 people died."

John gives a humourless laugh. "Ugly mess does not even begin to cover it, but I've seen worse. That train derailment a couple years ago? _That_ was worse."

"You were there?"

"Yes, they often send a couple of doctors out on any of the major incidents, we act as triage and flight surgeons, so we generally go in the helicopter. Bring in the most critical cases, and help the paramedics."

"I didn't know that was part of the job, I thought you just worked in the hospital, though it seems that is just as dangerous." Jim shakes his head. He must be thinking of the stabbing, and I have to agree, John came damn close to dying.

"We do paramedic ride along sometimes, act as flight surgeons, along with the day to day at the ER. It's not always exciting, but there are days when it can get pretty real. Then we have the fun days where we get to deliver healthy babies, and it's all minor medical stuff."

Tiffany laughs. "You deliver babies too? How many?"

"We do a bit of everything, you have to be up on your clinical knowledge to work in a Level 1 Trauma Facility. I don't know, on average I probably deliver a couple a month, though I did a lot more when I was at County. Susan delivered Susie, and I got to help." His eyes twinkle at me, I know he is remembering Chloe bellowing for the White Album which was amongst the pile of tapes in my bag. He had to dump the whole thing out but it was such a mess and Chloe was screeching so he never found it, and we ended up singing the song instead. It might have helped if she had woken me up sooner, but in the end we just made it in time for Susie to be born at the hospital.

It amazes me how many little memorable moments John and I share, though back then I never imagined I would fall in love with him.

"You helped deliver your niece? It's kind of miraculous, isn't it, I loved being there when Alysha was born. I can't imagine not being there for the birth of your child." Ryan makes this comment off the cuff, and I immediately see the change. The twinkle is gone in a flash, and John's expression becomes unreadable, his eyes devoid of emotion, he is hiding how he feels.

I know how difficult it has been for him to know how much of his daughters life he missed, her birth, the first smile, first steps, because I chose not to let him be there. He has been great, but it obviously still bothers him, I wish I could go back and fix it, change how I dealt with things.

After a few minutes more of conversation, John excuses himself and disappears. I ask Tiffany to keep an eye on the girls and I track him down, back at the cabin. He comes out of the bathroom as I shut the cabin door behind me.

"Everything okay?"

"Sure, why wouldn't it be." He seems to be back to himself, though not in quite as good a mood as he was a while ago.

"You disappeared kind of quickly."

"I'll be out in a minute, it's nothing to worry about."

I step over and wrap my arms around his neck, reaching up to kiss him.

"So, why were you checking out the other ladies earlier." I say this a bit playfully, I know there is nothing going on between the two of them, but he did have a very thoughtful look on his face, and I want to know what was going on in his head.

"I told you, that is not really what I was doing, although you all looked great. I was just thinking."

"About what? You said you would tell me later - now it's later, so what were you thinking?"

He tips his head to look down into my eyes. "You know I think you look beautiful, right?"

"Ummmm, okay, yes." I'm kind of wondering where this is headed. "Sounds like you are buttering me up here for some reason."

He laughs. "Nope, I really do think you look gorgeous, especially in that hot little bikini. I just don't want you to take this the wrong way."

"Take what the wrong way?" I am kind of confused.

He sighs. "I noticed, that….even though she's about 18 weeks and your 14, you're about the same size."

"Yeah, I know, thanks for noticing that I'm fatter than your ex-girlfriend." I give him a shove.

"Quit with the ex-girlfriend thing, okay? I haven't dated her in years, she's a friend, nothing more. I thought we were done with that." Now I've pissed him off, I need to stop making those comments, I just can't help it sometimes. "And - not fatter, Susan, don't be crazy, you're pregnant, not obese, _and_ you look great, very sexy in that bathing suit. You _know_ I noticed." He twirls the loose ends of my bikini ties.

"Sexy? Right, I look like a baby beluga, and in a couple months I'll be like two baby belugas."

His expression becomes serious. "You do not look like a whale, not even close, _don't_ do that, Susan, it drives me crazy when women do that. Even if you're joking, I seriously don't like you to say stuff like that."

He seems kind of sensitive about the subject and I'm not sure why. "You know I _don't_ mean it, I love that we are having a baby. Why are you so upset about me joking around?"

He shrugs. "I don't like it when women even jokingly put themselves down like that. I've seen too many cases come into the ER, women who don't feel good about themselves, sometimes the joking covers up their real feelings. This is why I didn't want to say anything, it's just getting me into trouble and making you feel bad, when I didn't mean it like that _at all."_

I wrap my arms around him and lean into his chest. "Sorry, I am kidding, John, but you're right, I'll stop, on both accounts. So what were you thinking?"

He shakes his head. "I don't think we should get into this right now." I wish I _hadn't_ gotten into this, it's gone from bad to worse, with the unwitting comment Ryan made, the ex-girlfriend comment and my jokes. He was in a great mood, now he seems irritated and upset with me.

But, I am extremely curious about what was going through his head, something caught his eye and I have learned not to doubt his diagnostic abilities. It's a little uncanny, he comes up with some off the wall things, but the scary part is he is so often correct.

"Well, now I _really_ need to hear it. You know, I am bigger this time than I was with Brooklynn, at 14 weeks I could still wear my regular clothes, they were just getting tight, this time, I've expanded much quicker. Tell me your theory."

He shakes his head a bit. "I guess I'm kind of in a spot now, if I tell you, you're going to obsess, if I don't tell you, its going to drive you crazy and you're going to bug me about it all day." Ahh, he knows me too well, he is so right.

"So just spill it already, you can't win either way."

He takes a deep breath. "What if…there's more than one baby."

"Ha, ha, John, that is really not funny. You're not serious, are you?" Is he kidding?

"I told you, you did not really want to hear my theory and I could be way off base here. I know you haven't had an ultrasound yet, and it's been too early until now to hear much – but they haven't used a Doppler on you, right?"

"You know we haven't listened to the heartbeat or had an ultrasound. It's been too early, and we have the appointment as soon as we get back. I am a bit bigger this time, but no way, twins? Maybe it's just a big baby, or something."

"Probably, I don't know how big you got before, and not much we can do about it right now. I wasn't going to say anything, but you noticed, of course. So don't obsess about it okay?"

"Right, you know I will, though. You don't have a Doppler in that medical kit you packed, do you?"

"No, just a regular stethoscope, it would probably only pick up your heartbeat right now. Do you want me to call Peter and get him to send one down?"

I laugh. "Why don't you just get him to send a portable ultrasound." I see a thoughtful look go across his face. "You know I'm kidding right? I think we are going to have to live with the anticipation until we get back."

"It's possible to get a machine, but you know what, you're right. Let's wait and be surprised, I think I want to wait to see if we are having a boy or a girl too, I'm not sure I want to find out when we have the ultrasound."

"Well, we can talk about it, I did find out when I was having Brookynn, but we don't have to find out. Anyway, they are going to send out a search party soon, so we should go back to the party."

"Sounds good, so you're not going to obsess and we're going to let this whole conversation go, right? I want us to have fun, not be fighting over stupid stuff." He leans in and gives me a sweet kiss. I brush my hand across his cheek.

"No stupid fights, and we are going to not let anyone get between us."

He sighs and rolls his eyes. "Trisha, right? Let's deal with this right now, or we are going to be going another round in a few hours." He gazes deep into my eyes. "I hope Tiffany told you that I have never dated that woman, and I have no interest in her, at all. So don't let her ruin our holiday either, I don't want to get into a big discussion about it, I know who and what she is. Okay?"

"Okay, enough said, I didn't mean for it to get like this, John. Tiffany just mentioned it to me when we were out shopping, that Trisha might be here and she might try and create issues."

"Like we need her to do that, obviously we are creating our own, and that's not what I want. I love you, Susan, and it doesn't have to be like….this, you don't need to be worrying about some girl who is unhappy and focussed on where she can find the richest husband. You already have me, I don't want her, I want you, _you_ are the one I want to share everything with, we have a family, and we can have it all, if you want it. So, when she shows up, and she will, just act like we normally do, you don't have to put on a show, be yourself. She'll get the idea, and turn her attention elsewhere, if she even has any interest in the first place, I'm kind of complicated to get involved with, don't you think?"

"Maybe just a little. Okay, I'll be myself, but I'm not letting her near you, you're mine."

"Yes, I _am_ yours, so you don't need to get all territorial." He gives a laugh, and I realize how silly I sound, making comments like that.

John takes my hand and we go back up on deck, rejoining the group. We spend a couple hours visiting and relaxing, watching the scenery go by as we sail. We take a bit of a tour of the boat, then we drop anchor for a while, so everyone can have a refreshing swim. The guys entertain the girls, and teach them how to snorkel and look at the abundant sea life. Brooklynn and Susie are amazed, they have never done this before, and the water is clear and warm.

After our swim, the crew serves a late lunch at the el fresco dining area, it is delicious Caribbean fair. I am so glad the morning sickness is over and I can enjoy the fresh caught fish they are serving. As we finish another yacht pulls up not too far away, and Jim comments.

"Looks like the other group has arrived."

The group from the other boat brings a smaller boat over to our yacht. Most everyone seems to know each other, except one of the guys, Tate, has a new girlfriend that not everyone has met. It is kind of nice to have someone else who doesn't know the whole group.

"Okay, introductions." Jim jumps in. I find out the new couples are Mark and Sophie, Jordan and Trisha, Tate and Michelle. As predicted John keeps me close, with his arm around me as we do introductions. None of the other couples are married, nor do they have kids.

Everyone catches up on the news, and we get a few surprised looks when it is revealed that both Tiffany and I are pregnant.

"Well, congratulations, baby number two John?" Jordan looks slightly familiar, I wonder if he was at the pub that night. He seems to know about Brooklynn. "Boy or girl?"

"We don't know, we are still deciding if we want to know now, or wait and be surprised. We will be in for an ultrasound the week we get back." He gives my belly a gentle rub. Trisha is sitting with Jordan's arm around her, but she is watching John pretty closely.

"John, who are these beautiful little girls?" Tate asks, I don't think he knows John as well as the other guys.

"This our daughter Brooklynn and our niece Susie." I love that he calls Susie our niece, but I don't miss the look Trisha gives him when he introduces Brooklynn as _our_ daughter. She keeps glancing over at me, and she does not look happy, apparently she didn't know we'd had a baby already.

John is attentive as usual, he makes sure I have a drink, then checks on the girls to make sure all is well. He has lost his lounger to one of the other ladies when he gets back, so he makes himself comfortable on mine, and we are in constant physical contact, whether he has his arm around me, his holding my hand or just sitting near me

Jim seems to notice as well and makes an off the wall comment. "This is going to be a big trip." He looks meaningfully at John who rolls his eyes slightly at Jim with an almost unnoticeable shake of his head. I wonder what exactly is going on between the two of them, they have been colluding on something ever since the trip started.

John moves the conversation along. "So, Ryan and Angela, any news on baby number 2 for you guys?"

Angela laughs. "Well, now that you mention it, we are trying to have another one, so you never know. You know lots of…." She looks around to make the little girls are not within hearing distance. "Vacation sex. You guys are way ahead of us…so I guess I don't need to tell you."

Jim laughs. "Nope. Though John has us all beat, working on a second baby, taking the niece all summer and Susan is nicely moved into his house now. Are you still thinking about moving into Millicent's house?"

"We are for the summer. Susan and I can drive into work together, then we will decide if we want to move in more permanently. Probably keep the house in town since it is so close to the hospital, we have friends staying there right now."

Trisha smiles a sweet and phony smile. "Oh are you a nurse Susan? You work with John?"

"No, I'm a doctor, an Emergency Physician, just like John is. We do work together though, in the ER at Northwestern."

"You're a doctor?" Trisha sounds surprised.

Jim pipes up. "We are lucky, we have two Physicians with us. Two very talented Physicians, John did some surgery before he went to Trauma."

Tiffany rolls her eyes. "Yes, we all know that, Jim."

The jokes start to fly, and we all have a great afternoon. It turns out John was right, Trisha seems to lose interest in him quickly, realizing he was going to be a dad for the second time, and very much committed to his relationship with me.


	28. Chapter 28

It has been a busy first day, and everyone is tired early since we traveled in and had lots of active water time. The girls have been bathed and tucked into their beds, so we retire to our cabin, John heads into the shower.

"Can I join you in there?"

"Of course, you can always join me."

I drop my bathing suit in a sink of water, rinse out the salt quickly, hang it, then a climb into the shower to wash my hair. Once we are done, we wrap up in fluffy towels, I pull on one of the sexy nightgowns I bought on my shopping trip, John is just in his boxers. I wrap my arms around him and lean into his chest. "This is really amazing, John, I am glad you talked me into it."

"Me too. Though I am a bit amazed anyone needs to be talked into a trip to the Caribbean." He tips up my chin and kisses me, our kisses become deep, hot and passionate, my knees are getting a little weak. My nightgown ends up in a shiny silky pool at my feet. It lasted longer than 30 seconds, but not by much. John gently lays me back on the bed and covers my body with his. "I love you." He says this softly in between gentle butterfly kisses on my neck.

I caress his cheek with my fingertips. "I love you too." I can't imagine at this point how my life was without him. I am so deeply in love with him, I never want to let him go.

We make love, then nestle in the middle of the bed, falling into an exhausted sleep.

The next few days pass too quickly, but we have a great time. We eat too much, lounge, swim, snorkel, and sight see in the various towns around the islands. The three couples from the other boat often join us, but sometimes they disappear their separate ways. This is just as well, as we have the 3 young girls with us, and as Tiffany mentioned, we are the ones that are committed couples. The other six adults seem to enjoy the nightlife and I think they often are getting back to their yacht in the early am hours and sleep very late, while everyone on our yacht likes to be up earlier with the kids and we do a lot more daytime activities.

We lounge in the sun as we sail from town to town, and sometimes the guys get the young girls involved in the sailing of the ship. Brooklynn, Susie and Alysha have become fast friends, they seem to spend every waking moment together. John is fabulous with all three girls, and spends a lot of time with them, taking them snorkeling, out on the jet ski or just swimming when we are at anchor. Susie has come to adore her Uncle John, he always makes sure she is included in everything, treating her like she is his own child, rather than his niece. I know she still misses Chloe, and of course Joe, but we are keeping her busy.

Tiffany, Angela and I are getting along really well. We often are doing a little shopping or grabbing lunch, just the three of us. We have also taken the girls for a few of the mornings, as the guys like to scuba dive, and have gone on a couple trips. John has taken a lot of underwater pictures, and I think one day I might like to learn, though this trip it is out of the question.

The evenings often find us at the native Caribbean restaurants, and enjoying a bit of nightlife, some nights with the girls in tow, sometimes we switch off staying with the kids so the three couples on our boat all get a night to themselves. The nights are magical, romantic, spent making love as the boat rocks gently on the seas.

We have been here for a full week, and it is July 4th. We make sure we are near the island of St. John, we spend the day enjoying the festivities in town. We invite everyone to come to our yacht for dinner, then the captain positions us to watch the fireworks that will explode over Cruz Bay soon.

John has been acting a little funny today, and there seems to be something going on between the three friends, Jim, Tiffany and John. I don't know quite what to make of it, but they don't seem to be fighting or at odds, so I let it go.

"John, why don't you take Susan and watch the fireworks, this is her first time here, so it would be nice for her to enjoy without worrying about the girls. We'll watch them." Tiffany suggests this out of the blue, and I appreciate it, we took all the girls last night so the other adults could have a night in town.

"Good idea." John takes my hand and we work our way to a quiet spot, a little bit more private, away from the group to view the fireworks. It is a big boat even with all six couples on board, so we don't have to go far. There is a very soft breeze and he stands facing me, and he holds my hands in his as we wait for the fireworks to start.

"Today has been so much fun, this trip...I am so glad we came." I smile up at him, I truly have been loving every minute we are spending here.

"I'm having a great time too, it's even more fun when you're here with me. Maybe sometime we will do it again, and go see some of the other islands."

"I'd love that, though getting the time off work won't always be easy."

"True, but we'll manage." He pauses, "You know how much I love you." He says this softly, following it up with kiss.

"I know, I love you too, more than I could ever have imagined loving anyone."

Our eyes are locked, I feel like I am swimming in the depth of his eyes.

"Susan...will you marry me?"

"What?" This comes out as a whisper, I'm a bit startled, but, he is completely serious. My eyes travel down and….a ring has appeared in his hand. A _really_ incredible diamond solitaire, even in the low light it is sparkling. I almost can't breathe, my heart is pounding – this is what he was up to, getting me alone tonight to ask me to marry him? What has been going on the last couple days?

My knees are trembling and I can barely get the word out. "Yes!"

I see a smile playing at the corner of his lips as he takes my left hand and the ring slides easily onto my finger, it fits almost perfectly. Wow, this is a beautiful ring, a large solitaire, much bigger than I ever imagined wearing, and band has smaller diamonds running down either side of it, leaving only a small spot at the bottom totally unadorned with sparkling stones. I wrap my arms around his neck, and we share a very passionate kiss as I hear the fireworks start to explode above us. I smile at him then look up, he wraps an arm around me, and I lean against him as we enjoy the spectacular show.

I love that he did this today, the proposal was so simple, but kind of romantic too. I can't imagine anything that I want more, than to spend my life with him.

As the fireworks end, he leans down and claims my lips in another kiss and the rest of the world just seems to disappear. My universe seems perfect, complete. I have the man I love, in my arms, and he wants to marry me. I know this shouldn't be a big surprise, he has made his intentions clear before, but...until he asked me, with the ring, it felt like it might never happen.

Everything is coming together in my life, I have my beautiful daughter, the new addition to our family on the way, and my beloved niece in my life, at least for a little while, until I have to send her back to her step dad.

John rests his forehead against mine, we both take a few deep breaths, mindful that we are still up on deck, not in our cabin. I finally calm my thumping heart, and I take another look at the ring on my finger. "This is really gorgeous, John, when did you get it?"

"Do you like it? If it is not the right ring for you, we can pick out something else."

"No, I love it." I really do, it is a spectacular ring, nothing I could ever have dreamed of having on my finger. I doubt I would have picked something so extravagant if I had chosen, but it looks just right on my finger. "It's really beautiful and I always wanted a solitaire, its perfect, I love how it looks on me."

"Good." His eyes are warm and sparkling. "It is a special piece actually. A family heirloom, it was my great grandmothers ring, my great grandfather gave it to her just before he left for the army. They had a very long and happy marriage when he came home, and I hope it brings us the same luck. My grandmother gave it to me a while back, saying I could give it to whomever I chose, when I was ready, it's a legacy piece, meant to be passed on, quite difficult to get another diamond like that one."

"You're giving me a family heirloom?" I hold out my hand and look at the ring again, it certainly is an incredible piece of jewelery, quite a rock as my mom would say. That he feels me worthy to wear it, a ring with great importance and sentimental value to him and his family says it all.

"Yes, you are already family, Susan."

We kiss again, long and deep, our arms wrapped around each other. When we finally break apart, I am breathless. "I love you." I whisper.

"I love you too, so much." We hold each other for a moment longer. "Shall we go back to the group and share our news? Then we can disappear for the night."

I feel a smile tugging at my lips. "Absolutely."

John entwines his fingers with mine as we make our way back to where everyone else is sitting and having a drink. The kids have all been tucked in to their beds, according to Tiffany, and I wonder how long we've been gone. Long enough that the other couples have retired back to their yacht.

Jim looks at us with a big smile and a wink. "I thought we were going to have to send a search party for the two of you."

John grins back. "You knew we'd be back sooner or later."

"Yeah, I was starting to think later, much, much, later." Jim smirks as he pulls a bottle of very expensive champagne out of an ice bucket, and pops the cork, pouring glasses, then handing them around. John has not said another word, but Jim certainly seems to know what is going on.

Ryan looks at the champagne. "Wow, what's the occasion?"

John holds up my left hand. "Susan has finally agreed to marry me."

"About time you asked her, but I guess you've been too busy making babies. We thought you were never going to get married." Ryan jokes.

"Very funny." John rolls his eyes.

"Congratulations, to the happy couple. Cheers." Everyone clinks glasses and sips the champagne, John still has my hand wrapped tight in his.

Tiffany smiles and gives us both hugs. She doesn't seem very surprised, and I know that the two of them were in on this for a while. "Congratulations you two."

I laugh. "I think there was some collusion going on here. Everyone seems to already know the news. You don't seem at all surprised."

"We were asked to keep the little girls busy for a bit, so the two of you could have a few…private moments. And Jim had the ring in our room safe, so you wouldn't come across it."

Ahhh, so they were in on it, but it makes sense, John kept this a secret from me, kept the ring well hidden.

Angela smiles "So let's see the ring." I hold out my hand, she and Ryan admire the ring.

"That is a pretty nice rock, well done John. It looks good on you Susan. This is so great!"

Jim nods. "It's a gorgeous ring, a family heirloom, right John?"

"My great grandmothers."

I can see the lights catch on the ring and it sparkles, I cannot believe I am wearing this massive diamond on my finger.

Ryan smiles. "Well, I think we need a toast, to the future Mrs. Carter." Mrs. Carter, that sounds so odd to my ears. John lifts an eyebrow at me, and I know he is thinking the same thing. Dr. Carter?

We all tap glasses and drink again.

Jim brings up the question. "Hmmmmm, well guys, it won't be Mrs. It's Dr., don't forget this beautiful and brilliant woman has a medical degree, so it can never be Mrs. Carter, so to the future Dr. Susan Carter."

"Dr. Susan Carter kind of has a nice ring to it." He winks at me.

"We'll see. For work I might need to stay Dr. Lewis."

"Brooklynn is named Lewis too, right?" Jim looks at me.

"No, she's Brooklynn Carter, I changed her name a while back."

Jim looks slightly surprised at this. "So the new baby will be Carter as well, then?"

"Sure, the only reason I used Lewis to start with, is the medical community can be a very small world and I didn't want to run the risk. But John has always been on the birth certificate, it wasn't a big deal to change it."

Angela glances over at John. "I thought you were more enlightened than to insist on her name being Carter."

John shakes his head. "I didn't change it, or ask for it to be changed, Susan did that and told me afterwards. If Susan wants to be Dr. Lewis still, for whatever reason, I'm fine with it. For work it might be easier, since we work in the same hospital, and in the same department."

The conversation goes on for a while longer, then finally we all say good night and go back to our cabins. I can't stop looking at my ring, I keep holding up my hand and turning it so it catches the light, while I am laying on the bed in another of my new nighties. It is nothing short of spectacular. I look up and John is leaning in the doorway watching me, a small smile on his lips. "So, I guess you do like it."

"How could I not, I have never worn anything like this."

He lays on the bed beside me and takes my hand turning it to look at the ring on my finger. "Still, you didn't get to choose your ring, though it does suit you."

"Wow, I never imagined….I wasn't expecting this to happen so soon." I put my palm against his cheek and give him a kiss. "I love it, and that it is a family heirloom makes it even more special."

"I am really happy you like it, Susan, I want you to have a ring you love to wear. If this wasn't the one, I would happily get you something else. It's important to me that you have something you want to wear, that you feel comfortable wearing."

"Oh, I want to wear this one. I mean, I probably would not have picked this big of a diamond, but that is not because I'm not comfortable wearing it."

"Well, you might have, because I would have been the one buying it, and I would not have let you pick something other than what you really wanted, not what you thought you should pick because another ring was more expensive than what you think I should spend."

I laugh. "You know me too well, but we don't have to worry about it, because this one is perfect."

"You kept this all a closely guarded secret. I had no idea you were going to ask me that."

|I could tell, I was worried for a minute, you didn't say anything right away."

"Well, you surprised me, but it was perfect, not a big fancy show, just...well the perfect end to a fabulous day."

"I didn't think you would want a big show of it, it's not you, and it's not me. I wanted it to be special, and this trip has been going so well. We have kind of talked about it in the past few months, and now that we are having another baby, it just seemed like the time."

"Ah, so it's about the baby." I tease him with a smile.

"Absolutely, have to make sure this new little one is a Carter." He teases me back.

I snuggle close to him. "This new little one already is a Carter, just like their daddy. I could never have imagined in a million years, the day you walked through the ER doors that I had just met my future husband and the father of my children."

"Hard to believe, right? I was so damn young, so much has changed since that day. Never knew that I had met my future wife that day either, I was too nervous, trying too hard to prove myself. And of course, why would a beautiful, successful doctor be looking at the naive med student, when she had all these other doctors around."

"We all went through it, John, I remember jumping through hoops to get on the good side of that chauvinistic cardiologist. But, we all noticed you, don't worry about that." I give a little giggle.

"Not sure that's a good thing."

"It wasn't a bad thing. I noticed how damn cute you were. Doug noticed that you know how to dress. Mark and Peter were wondering how long you'd last, and if you knew anything medically related. Peter threw everything he had at you, but you picked it all up rather quickly. No one underestimated you after the first few days."

"It was rough, I remember Peter making a comment about the well dressed specialties, I hadn't done much rotation wise yet, so it was a real eye opener to end up in the ER."

"We've all had our ups and downs. Right now life is definitely up."

"I won't argue with that, it is nice to just be….happy, you know? No extra drama, just a normal life."

"Life with you will never be completely normal, John, but that is okay. I love you and I can't wait to marry you."

"Good, because I really want to marry you too. You know, we should…just do it while we're here."

"What, get married? Here?"

"Sure, unless you want to have a big white wedding, which would be no problem either if you want to wait to get married in Chicago and we can plan something for next spring or summer, after you have the baby."

"I've never been one to dream of a big white wedding, I want something small, really small, no big show."

"Then maybe you do want to get married now, you know my grandmother might just invite like 500 people if we do it in Chicago."

"Ha ha, John, that's not funny. 500? Be serious, I would be too scared to walk up the aisle with that many eyes on me." I look over at him and he lifts an eyebrow.

"Oh, but I am being serious, Susan, do you have any idea of how many people she knows, that would be offended if they weren't invited? It could turn into a circus pretty quickly. Jim and Tiffany had about 550 at theirs, they had no idea of who over half of them were, they were friends or acquaintances of his parents. Unless you are worried about inviting your family. The only one from mine that I care about is Gamma, and we can let her do a reception or something when we get home."

"Hell no, I don't want my family there, except Susie, and well, she's with us now. In fact the wedding here is sounding better every second, can you imagine Cookie and Henry at something like that? A fancy wedding, planned by your grandmother? And if Chloe ever shows up again, which she probably would just to embarrass me, it would be a disaster. Can we set it up that fast?"

"Yes" He gives a little smile. "I kind of checked into it before we came down, on the off chance you said it was okay to do it here. A quick phone call, and we can have it all arranged. I just have to go into town to get the license."

"I need a dress, flowers, all sorts of stuff."

He looks a little guilty. "All arranged. You remember when you went out with Tiffany, and she had you try on dresses?"

"You did not. You set that up?"

"I did, so, she put that dress she was trying to talk you into on hold with some shoes, and I went and picked it up, she put it on the plane, it's hung up in their cabin. Same with dresses for the girls. I brought the wedding bands, and we have arranged everything, flowers, food, clothing."

"Jim and Tiffany were in on this the whole time?"

"Sure, they both helped a lot, Tiffany shopped with you in Chicago, helped me with flowers and all the arrangements, she has great taste and was happy to help. Especially if it meant seeing me finally get married. If you want to do this, then we are all set."

"Where?"

"I thought here, on the yacht, then we take a couple days at a nice resort, just the two of us, Katie found a great place on St. Croix, and can book it right away if you like. We can go on a proper honeymoon, just the two of us, in the fall when Brooklynn is in school and Susie has gone back to Texas. You can pick where you want to go, like Paris or something."

"Paris. After this trip, you want to take me to Europe?"

"Or somewhere else if you prefer, that is just a suggestion, since you've never been. In the early fall maybe, if we can arrange the time off."

"What about the girls?"

"Jim and Tiffany will take care of them for a couple days."

I am stunned, he has thought of everything. Literally everything, and it's all arranged. I have been wanting to marry this guy for a while, so why not?

"Yes, do you have a date picked too?"

"Uh, yes?" He gives another guilty little smile. "July 7th."

"In like 3 days?"

"More like 2 days, since it's the 5th now, it's past midnight. Hey, you said yes, I have to do it quick before you change your mind."

I shake my head and rest my hand on his cheek. "Never happen. Remember, I told you, you're mine, I have no intentions of giving you up, ever."

He grinned and gave a little laugh. "Yours, huh. I guess I can live with that, as long as you realize that you are mine, and I have no intention of giving you up either." He props himself up on one hand. "So, is this new?" He runs his fingers under the lace strap, then brushes the back of his hand down the silky material, running gently over my breast, making me shiver in anticipation.

"Took you long enough to notice." I tease.

"Oh, no, I noticed right away, kind of hard not to, a beautiful, sexy woman on my bed in a _little_ piece of satin and lace? Like I wouldn't notice that?"

I have to agree, he does notice things, he has an eye for detail. I love how he stresses the word little, that is definitely the word for this item, it clings and dips in all the right places. I know he finds me sexy in his shirts too, but there is something to be said for lingerie, and I make a note of it for the future. John _loves_ these silky, soft, lacy scraps of fabric I have been wearing on this trip.

His lips are now tickling my neck, and he runs kisses across my collarbone as I ease the shirt off his shoulders and toss it on the floor. His hands are skillful, adept, as they stroke and caress me, he has learned my body as I learned his during those glorious weeks we were lovers, that summer so long ago. How much has changed since then, I am finally happy, truly and completely happy.


	29. Chapter 29

The next morning we are out of our cabin early, the girls were up and knocking at the door. They are energetic, early risers, but neither of us mind. They are both are terribly excited that they get to be in a wedding, especially our wedding. We are trying to decide what roles the girls should play, flower girls, or ring bearers. Tiffany picked some very cute dresses for them back in Chicago, John paid for them and then Tiffany snuck them on board.

Brooklynn and Susie are beside themselves, and all they can talk about is the wedding, and we soon notice thought that Alysha seems kind of down.

"Susan, I think we need to make a role for Alysha, she probably feels left out, Brooklynn and Susie are part of the wedding and it's all they can talk about. So, we should add a third flower girl."

"I believe you're right. So maybe Susie can hold my ring for you, Brooklynn yours for me, and then Alysha can be the flower girl. Let me talked to Tiffany and Angela and we can find her something to wear in town." I give him a quick kiss. "That is sweet of you to notice."

"Should have thought of it sooner, but we have time."

Tiffany brings my dress over for me, and I love it just as much as when I tried it on, the beautiful ivory dress, it is perfect for a tropical wedding. It has a low back, and falls smoothly, and hides my belly just enough. Elegant and simple. Tiffany picked out a beautiful hair clip for me, and a very simple veil.

John pulls me aside on the 6th and presents me with three velvet boxes. "I wanted to give these to you today, I hope you'll wear them tomorrow."

More? He has already given me the most amazing ring, arranged the wedding, and now he is giving me another gift. I carefully remove the ribbons and open them. They contain beautiful earrings, necklace and bracelet, with diamonds and sapphires. "Oh John, these are gorgeous. I don't know what to say." In all of the preparations, I haven't had time to even think about what I am going to get him as a wedding gift. I give him a warm kiss.

"You don't need to say anything, as long as you like them."

"I love them, and I love you."

Jim is going to act as best man, and Tiffany is going to be my matron of honour. Tiffany goes over all the arrangements with me to see if I want to make any adjustments, but I have to say, they have done a fantastic job, she really does have great taste. There really is not much I want to change, it is all very minor adjustments.

"Wow, you two have done such a terrific job on all of this."

"John had a lot of the ideas, he just asked me to assist on the details, give him opinions, stuff like that, I want to make sure you give credit where it's due."

"He said you have great taste, and you do, this is so amazing, and don't worry I know he put a lot of time and effort in to all of this too."

Tiffany reaches over and picks up my left hand and inspects the ring. "This ring is kind of amazing too, and it's extra special to him, so that means a lot."

"That he gave it to me is crazy, I never thought I would ever have a ring like this, I love it."

"Not crazy at all, he loves you. Take good care of it, very few women get a rock like that one."

"Oh don't worry I will. I can't believe it, I'm getting married tomorrow."

The morning arrives and the simple but elegant preparations begin, flowers appear and there is a little extra staff on hand to assist with dinner. I am slightly nervous, but more excited than anything. Tiffany, Angela and I go into town, and have our hair and makeup done at the salon, and I am also treated to a manicure and pedicure. I feel like I am getting very spoiled.

Once we get back, it is time to get dressed. John arranged a professional photographer who takes a ton of picture of us getting ready, and then moves off to take some of Jim and John.

"Susan, it's time, are you all ready?" Angela comes in to the room. "Oh, you look so gorgeous, John is not going to be able to take his eyes off you."

We do last minute adjustments and pick up our bouquets, my knees are trembling, but I'm unbelievably happy.

As it turns out, I can't take my eyes off John either. He looks incredibly handsome dressed up in a lightweight tuxedo, and his smile lights up my heart.

The girls have fun throwing rose petals, and carrying the small ring pillows, then Tiffany follows them. Finally it is my turn, I float down the aisle, I feel like I am walking on air, meeting John at the flower covered arch.

"Wow, you look stunning." He is smiling, and his eyes sparkle as he sees me in the gorgeous ivory dress. He takes my hands in his and gives me a light kiss then the officiant takes over.

"John and Susan, today you celebrate one of life's greatest moments and give recognition to the worth and beauty of love, as you join together in vows of marriage." I feel a little weepy as he says this, but I focus on John, and find myself spellbound as I look deep into his eyes.

"John and Susan, just as two very different threads woven in opposite directions can form a beautiful tapestry, so can your two lives merge together to form a very beautiful marriage. To make your marriage work will take love. Love should be the core of your marriage, love is the reason you are here. But it also will take trust - to know in your hearts you want the best for each other. It will take dedication - to stay open to one another; to learn and to grow together even when this is not always so easy to do. It will take faith - to always be willing to go forward to tomorrow, never really knowing what tomorrow will bring. And it will take commitment - to hold true to the journey you both now pledge to share together."

We have each chosen to say a few words, and I smile shakily as John begins.

"What can I say to you that I haven't already said? What can I give you that I haven't already given? Is there anything of me that isn't yours already? My body, my mind, my heart, even my soul. Everything that is me belonged to you long before this, and it is yours forever. Whatever lies ahead, good or bad, we will face together. Distance has tested us, and time has tried us, but I am at your side, as we share a lifetime of eternal, immeasurable love."

He says this so truthfully, I am fighting not to cry. I take a deep breath as it is my turn.

"As I stand here before you, my eyes looking so deeply into yours, I see all of the things I fell in love with, it makes me remember how complete you make my life. Every smile, every embrace, every tear you've ever wiped from my face. It makes me remember how lucky I really am, that you have become part of my life. It makes me remember every laugh we've ever shared, every hard time we've made it through together, and every beautiful moment there is to come. You possess my heart, my soul, you are my best friend, my lover, my confidant, the father of my children, my everything. I give myself to you completely, and I will love you always."

John reaches over and gently wipes the single tear that threatens to run down my cheek, and I can see his love, his eyes say it all.

"John and Susan may your love be limitless, flowing and ever changing. May your love forever redefine itself. May your love hold within it the essence of life. In pledging your lives and love to one another for all the days that remain to you, we celebrate your commitment to a strong, loving relationship. May your love touch and enrich all those with whom you come in contact."

Jim removes my ring from the pillow held by Brooklynn and hands John the wedding band and the officiant has John repeat after him.

"I John take you, Susan, to be my wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, and I promise my love to you. I give you this ring to wear with love and joy. As a ring has no end, neither shall my love for you. I choose you to be my wife this day and forevermore." He slips the wedding band onto my ring finger, so it rests against my engagement ring, and gives my hand a very quick squeeze before it's my turn.

"I Susan take you, John, to be my husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, and I promise my love to you. I give you this ring to wear with love and joy. As a ring has no end, neither shall my love for you. I choose you to be my husband this day and forevermore." I slide the simple gold band onto his ring finger.

"John and Susan in so much as the two of you have promised your love for each other by these vows, I now declare you to be Husband and Wife.  
Congratulations, you may kiss your bride."

John has a little gleam in his eye now, and I know this is going to be good. His mouth descends on mine, and I feel the little jolt, like an electric current as we kiss. My left hand is resting on his chest, and my hand wraps around his neck, caressing the nape of his neck, and it feels like the world stops and it is just us. I can hear my heart thumping and my skin is tingling from the warmth of his touch on my bare back.

We finally separate, and Jim says in a very low voice. "I almost need a cold shower." This gets a soft laugh from John, but I second that, _I_ almost need a cold shower after that kiss.

He pulls me tight to him and whispers in my ear. "I love you.

"I love you too."

Brooklynn and Susie are hugging us, so excited to be sharing our day, and I can't help but smile. I am John's wife, and maybe the happiest woman on the planet.

The photographer gathers us and the small wedding party and takes what seems like a million pictures, and they are going to be fabulous. I can't stop smiling, and neither can John.

Tiffany fixes my hair before the next round of photos. "You both look so incredibly happy, that was such a lovely ceremony, and mmmm, that kiss. _That_ was quite a kiss."

"Oh, he can kiss, made me a little weak in the knees."

"I just bet, I remember when Jim used to kiss me like that, maybe it will inspire him?"

Once the photos are done, we sit down to a fabulous meal, 5 courses with an incredible layer cake for dessert. There are a few speeches, lots of teasing and jokes and merriment.

The deck is cleared from dinner, and music starts, John holds his hand out to me. "Have to have at least once dance, before we leave."

"Leave?"

"Yes, we have reservations at a hotel for 3 nights, a little mini honeymoon."

I tip my head up and gaze into his dark eyes. "You really did think of everything, this has been such a magical, special day, I won't ever forget it."

"I hope not, I know I won't. Today the most beautiful, special, unforgettable woman became my wife. We have had some tough times, but also some great times, and I look forward to seeing what tomorrow will bring for us."

He enfolds me in his arms, holding me close and my eyes drift shut as the music washes over us.

 _It's amazing how you can speak right to my heart_  
_Without saying a word you can light up the dark_  
_Try as I may I can never explain_  
 _What I hear when you don't say a thing_

_The smile on your face let's me know that you need me_   
_There's a truth in your eyes saying you'll never leave me_   
_The touch of your hand says you'll catch me wherever I fall_   
_You say it best, when you say nothing at all_

"I love this song." I whisper softly against his chest.

"Mmmm, kind of perfect for us, don't you think?" He says this back just as softly, and kisses me tenderly.

_All day long I can hear people talking out loud (oh?)_   
_But when you hold me near (oh, hold me near)_   
_You drown out the crowd (drown out crowd)_   
_Old Mr. Webster could never define_   
_What's been said between your heart and mine_

Once the song finally ends, I realize most of the couple have joined us on the dance floor. The atmosphere truly is magical in the flickering candlelight, the decorations are simple but the ambiance is wonderfully romantic. The wedding has been so simple, but so elegant, so memorable, I love that he put so much thought and effort into our day. I adore this man, he makes everything worthwhile.

I have many more dances, everyone mixes and mingles and we have such an amazing evening. John, Jim and Ryan make sure the little girls get a chance to dance, which they appreciate, they are giggling and playing around, having a grand time. I watch John interact with the girls, and I marvel again at how terrific he is with kids. They adore him as much as I do, and I am thankful once more that Brooklynn has gotten to know her father, and that Susie has joined us on this trip.

As it gets late, Angela takes the girls to tuck them into bed, John and I depart, and are met by a black sedan which whisks us off to the hotel.

The resort is stunning, the room has a large patio and is only steps from a white sand beach. The king sized bed is covered in rose petals in the shape of a heart, and a crystal vase with two dozen long stemmed roses from John. There is a bottle of champagne as well as a basket with champagne flutes, fresh strawberries and some other treats. The bathroom is massive, with a tile shower, large spa tub, and fluffy soft towels.

"Wow, John, this is astounding." As I step into the room, I am overwhelmed. Every little detail is impeccable, in fact today has been _absolutely_ perfect, I feel like I am living in a dream. John opens the patio doors, and I can hear the gentle swish of the waves hitting the beach, and a soft sea breeze flutters the drapes slightly. He lights the candle that are scattered around the room, and pops open the champagne, the room is bathed in flickering light.

His jacket and tie get draped over a chair and he loosens his collar, undoing a few buttons of his shirt. Once this is accomplished, he pours the champagne.

He steps over to me and wraps and arm around me, handing me a small flute. "Anything for you, it has been the greatest day, perfect really."

I wrap my arms around his neck and look up into his eyes. "Thank you, it really was amazing, flawless, and extraordinary. I love you so much, I don't know how I ever got so lucky to have you in my life."

"I love you too, I will forever be grateful we both ended up in that pub that night. I had no idea that it was one of those pivotal moments, the ones that change you and your life forever."

I rest my palm on his cheek, and kiss him. "I never imagined where that night would lead us either. You know, before those two weeks were over, I was already in love with you? I just couldn't give in to the feelings, but I know our love is real, even after the time apart, I still loved you."

"I loved you even before that, I meant what I said today, everything that is me belonged to you long before this, and _it is_ yours forever. I don't know how you fell in love with me, but I am thankful every day that you did. I don't think I could live without you. So, to my special, amazing beautiful wife, I love you always and forever - Mrs. Carter." He gives me a grin and we tap glasses and drink.

"Mrs. Carter, huh?"

"Ahh, I figured it might be the only time I ever get to say that. I know it confuses people, what do they call you? Mrs. Carter, Dr. Carter, or Dr. Lewis. Don't worry, you can think about that later, and whatever you decide is fine with me - your name doesn't change the fact you're now my wife."

"Well, a toast to my wonderful, romantic and amazing husband, I love you and always will - Mr. Carter." I tease him back. We drink again, and then dig into some of the strawberries, which brings out the flavor in the champagne.

"I think I am going to get ready for bed." I give him a sexy little smile and trail my fingers through his thick lustrous hair, then disappear into the bathroom with my bag. I brush my teeth and freshen up, changing into one of my favourite and most revealing lingerie pieces. Before I come out, I put on a light robe, so I can surprise him.

When I come out, John is out on the patio finishing his champagne and looking up at the stars. "Hey, remember Larry, Curly and Moe." He points up at the constellations, and I do remember, the night Susie was born and he came and talked to me while I was holding her, marveling at how tiny and precious my new niece was.

I slide an arm around his waist and lean against him. "Yes, I guess astronomy is not one of your talents. Though you do have many others."

He looks down into my eyes, his are twinkling. "You know it. I'll be right back."

He disappears into the bathroom, but is back out soon. I am still out on the patio, it is a beautiful, warm, tropical night, and the view of the moon dipping over the sea is breathtaking. He wraps his arms around me from behind and pulls me against him, I lean back and relax as we both savour the moment. He rests his hands gently on my belly, I enjoy the warmth of them through the thin silk robe.

His lips graze my neck lightly, and he inhales deeply. "Mmmmm, you smell so good." He continues to kiss my neck, I reach my hand up and back to wrap around his neck. Finally I turn in his arms and I am rewarded with another hot kiss, very much like earlier in the day. This time we don't have an audience, and we take our time, enjoying tasting and exploring each others mouths. We separate and he leans his forehead against mine for a moment, then takes my hand, leading me back into the bedroom, pulling the patio door shut as we go.

I open my eyes the next morning, the sunlight is streaming in, and I am snuggled up to John in the huge bed. Last night's memories flood back, how we loved each other before falling into a contented but exhausted sleep. I look at him, his lips slightly parted, his breathing even as he sleeps deeply. He still looks so young when he is sleeping, I reach over and brush a stray bit of hair back from his forehead. My first morning waking up in bed with my husband. That sounds so strange, John Carter is my husband. Husband. Wife. Susan Carter? I say this silently in my head.

I hold out my left hand marveling at the magnificent diamond ring, and the lovely matching wedding band. John's arm is draped over a pillow, and I can see his left hand, the wedding band that now adorns his ring finger. I decide it suits him, I love to see the proof of our union displayed so openly for all to see. For so much of our relationship we were stifled by secrets, not able to admit our love for each other.

I idly wonder how his grandmother is going to take the news that we got married in the Caribbean. I am lost in my musings until I turn and notice sleepy dark chocolate eyes watching me.

"Sleep well?"

"Mmmmm, very well." I touch his cheek with my fingertips, trailing them down gently. He kisses me deeply, I respond voraciously. We have a couple days all to ourselves in a luxurious resort, and I am going to enjoy it. It has been a while since we have had the luxury of laying around in bed all morning. Something I miss from the time we were first together, the hours of passionate, unrestrained, exuberant and vocal lovemaking.

We spend most of the morning wrapped up together in the massive bed, lost in on our own world. Late in the morning we finally shower, and order in some lunch from room service. We then wander the few feet down to the white sand beach and relax on plush loungers provided for the guests, drinking fresh squeezed fruit juice.

John reaches over and entwines his fingers with mine and turns my rings idly. "Wow, you are insatiable, woman."

"You didn't seem to mind while we were in bed this morning, all morning. In fact, you seemed to be rather enjoying yourself there Dr. Carter." I glance over with my eyebrows raised slightly, and notice he has a little grin on his face.

"Oh trust me, I wouldn't dream of complaining, that was unbelievable." He winks at me. "Good thing we are having some time to recharge the batteries, I need to regain my strength."

No kidding, I know I sure do. John helps me with a bit of sunscreen and I doze off for a while. I wake a little later to find myself shaded by a large umbrella, I glance over and John is reading a journal.

"How long was I out?"

"Oh just over an hour. I had the umbrella moved, I didn't want you to get too much sun." He flags down a waiter and orders me a large glass of ice water. "You need to stay hydrated, it's getting hotter. You want to get out in the water for a bit? Maybe some snorkeling or take out one of the kayaks? Or the wind is good, they have some small sailboats if you're up to it."

"I don't know much about sailing still, can you handle the boat yourself?"

"Those ones? Yes, I took a look at them they are manageable if you do just a little bit."

"Let's try that. You keep offering to take me out."

So an hour later I find myself out on the water in a sailboat, and it's a rush, I see why John loves to sail. We skim across the water in the light breeze and he is in perfect control. He gets me to help, and soon I start to get the hang of it, though he is constantly instructing on what to do, which is fine with me. Once the wind starts to come up, though, he decides to take us back in, and I'm glad he does as later a less experienced sailor gets themselves in trouble and they have to send out a power boat to bring them in.

"You learn to recognize the signs, and since you are inexperienced I thought it best to come in. If it was Jim and I, we would have stayed out longer, but we both react without thinking, it gets to be instinctive almost."

"Like at work, when I used to have to think hard about everything and now I just know what to do."

"Exactly like that. You did great though, next summer we can get out on the lake if you like sailing, get you some proper lessons."

We dress up a bit and go for a nice dinner in town, then spend some time dancing in one of the clubs, but I am exhausted before it gets too late, and John takes me back to the room. We get ready for bed and then cuddle for a while, talking and laughing, I can always find something to talk about with John. When we are in silence, it is companionable, comfortable and comforting. We make love, and fall asleep in each other's arms.

The next two days pass very much the same, we sail again, snorkel, kayak and lounge on the beach. The food is delicious, I am constantly snacking these days, out eating John at times, but I am making up for lost time when I had morning sickness. I feel very relaxed, content, it has been a fabulous mini honeymoon.

We arrive back to the yacht, to find everything quiet, everyone is in town for a while. We get settled back in our cabin then enjoy a little quiet couple time before everyone returns, falling asleep in a tangle of sheets. When we finally go back out on deck, everyone is back from town and ready for dinner.

"Well, look who's back, it's the Carters." Ryan is lounging with a drink in his hand, looking tanned and relaxed.

"Mommy! Daddy!" Brooklynn runs over and John swings her up into his arms, and she wraps her arms around his neck. Susie follows a little behind her and gives me a hug until John puts down his daughter, then gives Susie a hug too.

"How was the resort?" Jim has a big grin on his face.

"Wow, it was incredible, you should have seen the place, the rooms were perfect, the food was amazing, and we had a lot of fun" As soon as the last words are out of my mouth, I know someone is going to comment.

"Fun…..yeah, I bet it was a _lot_ of fun." Jim is teasing me now, he can probably imagine how we spent a lot of our time, but I just give him a little secretive smile and shrug. We were just married and this was a mini honeymoon, of course we had _fun._

John shakes his head and laughs, while he pours himself a glass from the pitcher of lemonade on the table, and offers one to me as well. He flops onto one of the loungers, and I join him, leaning back against his chest. "So what did everyone here get up to while we were gone?"

"Nothing much, just the usual, swimming, snorkeling, shopping, and eating way too much good food." Tiffany sips some her lemonade.

"John got me out sailing at the resort, just the two of us in one of the smaller boats, it was great. He's a good instructor, and now I know why you all love sailing so much."

Jim nods. "I knew if he coerced you into a boat you'd be hooked. Too bad neither of you can take lessons this summer, you won't be able to move quick enough pretty soon, and I would worry about your safety, but next year for sure."

The girls start to chatter at John and I, filling us in on the days we were gone. They both seem happy, and have a golden glow about them from all the outdoor time in the water. Alysha joins them and drops in little comments here and there, she is such a sweet girl.

"Hey, John, they dropped off the proofs from the wedding, there are some truly fantastic pictures." Ryan extends an envelope to John, and we spend the next hour going through the pictures. One catches my eyes, the photographer caught our kiss, it is a really great picture. Among others, we will have a hard time choosing, but I see a few I know are must haves. I will be putting together an album once we are home.

_The song used in this portion is performed by Ronan Keating, When You Say Nothing At All_


	30. Chapter 30

The driver holds open the limo door as we arrive back at the Carter mansion, we have two very tired girls on our hands, and a ton of luggage. The last week of our vacation went way too fast, and in no time we were back on the jet, winging our way back to Chicago. It was a fabulous holiday, one I will never forget.

Alger sees us arrive and come out to help the limo driver bring in the bags. John picks up Brooklynn to carry her in, while I lead a sleepy Susie into the house and we take them straight upstairs to put on pajamas, both girls crawl into bed and are out like lights.

"John, Susan, you're back." Millicent looks up as we appear in the kitchen, where she is making herself some tea. She looks happy to see us, I think she really misses her grandson when he is away.

John and I discussed the big news we have to tell her on the plane home. Everyone put in their comments, but John is pretty sure she will be happy that we are married. It makes sense, she gave him the ring recently, which John felt was a big hint from her. And I find out that during the big discussion they had in the study that night behind closed doors John had mentioned to his grandmother that we had indeed talked about getting married, but we weren't quite ready. She was apparently very pleased with the news that her grandson was intending to marry me, she is not a big fan of the whole living together without making it legal scenario.

I hope she is not too upset that we had the ceremony in the Caribbean, but I think she will forgive her grandson for almost anything. He is clearly the most important family member to her, as much as she is to him. She is the one who has always been there for him, and he in turn is taking care of her now.

"Gamma, how are you." John gives her a kiss on the cheek, and she hugs him. She may sometimes act like the domineering matriarch, but she loves her grandson, that I can tell.

"Very well, thank you. Did you have a good trip?"

"We had a great trip." John reaches out and grabs my hand pulling me over and we sit at the island. "Gamma, Susan and I got married, on July 7th." He just says it outright, she is a sharp lady, so I am sure he wanted to tell her before she spotted the rings on my finger. After all, they are not easy to miss.

She looks up quickly. "Married? You got married?" I am not sure yet how she feels about it, but suddenly a smile crosses her face. John holds out my left hand for her inspection. "You gave her the ring, my mother's ring." She looks so pleased about it, my worries fade away, and she crosses the kitchen to give us both a warm embrace. "I am so happy for you both. Susan, welcome to the family – though I guess truly, you have been part of the family for a while now."

"Thanks, Gamma, we're both happy too. I hope you don't mind too much, but it just seemed right."

"No, I'm thrilled that you are married, about time I say. Susan, the ring looks just perfect on you, I am delighted that John chose to give it to you. And the wedding band looks perfect with it."

"We have some photos to show you, we had a professional photographer take a bunch for us." John pulls out a folder, and we spend the next hour going through them, Millicent oohs and ahhs over them, and picks out one of my favourites.

"This one I am going to use for the announcement in the paper, I can't have my grandson get married, and not announce it properly."

John pulls out another small folder and hands it to her. "I had a few printed for you, and there is a copy of that photo, it is one of our favourites too."

Millicent puts her hand on John's "Thank you, I am so pleased, my grandson, married, giving me grandbabies to spoil. And having you all here for the remainder of the summer too, I hope you decide to move out here permanently."

I smile. "We have been discussing it, and we have friends staying at our house in town, so you are stuck with us for a while, anyway."

"Good, that makes me happy. Now, I need to get some rest, and I am sure you are both tired from your trip."

"And we both have to work tomorrow, we traded around a lot of shifts to get the extra time off, so time to pay up."

We all retire for the evening, tomorrow is going to be a busy day.

We both drag ourselves in to work, the time change, the slightly longer commute into work and the travel have made us both tired. I am now 17 weeks and we are ready to start announcing it to everyone at work. Rachel is super excited to see me, she gives me a big hug.

"Wow, you both look so good, tanned, relaxed. I cannot wait to see some pictures!"

"I have some really good ones to show you. We'll have to get some coffee and catch up, hard to believe we were gone for 3 weeks, I have so much to tell you." I reach out to pick up a chart, and Rachel gasps.

"WHAT IS THAT!" She grabs my left hand. Half of the ER is looking at us now, John looks up from the patient they are bringing in from the ambulance bay, sees Rachel gaping at my hand, shrugs, and then keeps going. "Oh, Susan, is that what I think it is?" She turns the wedding band that is nestled up against my diamond engagement ring.

I know I have a huge smile on my face. "We got married on July 7th, on the yacht."

Rachel is speechless for several moments. "So, you're married? You're Susan Carter now? And look at this diamond, that thing is….enormous, and….man, how much did he spend on that thing? Look at that diamond." Rachel is stuttering and now I have several of the nurses and doctors examining my hand.

"It's a family heirloom, he just bought me the wedding band."

One of the nurses takes a look at the rings. "Wow, girl, that man must love you to spend that kind of coin on rings. Very nice."

Peter Benton walks in and up to the admit desk. "What's going on? No one works anymore?" He gives me a big smile. "Nice to see you back Susan, I guess Carter is around here somewhere? Whoa, look at _that_ rock." He takes my hand and inspects both of the rings. "Is there some big news I've missed?"

"John and I got married while we were in the Caribbean."

"Congratulations, that is unexpected but terrific news. Where is Carter, anyway?" He grins. "I guess we're going to have start calling you Carter now too?"

"Thanks Peter, he just took a trauma into 1. And no, I'm still Lewis, could you imagine having _two_ Dr. Carter's?"

Peter starts to laugh. "Nope, I really can't, it's a frightening thought, having another Carter around, though you are not nearly as stubborn as he is, so it might be tolerable." He squeezes my hand and then heads off to Trauma 1 to see John.

Over the next couple of hours I feel like half the hospital staff have inspected my rings and congratulated me, not only on getting married, but also about the baby. John finally gets a chance to catch up to me after lunchtime. "So, I guess the news has broken, everyone knows?"

"Pretty much, I guess. Makes life easy." I give him a light kiss. "Getting a lot of compliments on both of the rings too. Hey, did Peter find you?"

"He did, I was going to have him out to the house on our next day off, he has done quite a bit of work on the study proposal. He was busy while we were gone."

We are both called for an incoming trauma, and don't see each other much until the end of shift.

The next morning we are up extra early, we both have to work, but it the big day, we have an appointment for the ultrasound this morning. I have pushed John's comments to the back of my mind, and to be honest was quite successful, as we were so incredibly busy on our trip. He got my mind off things with the surprise proposal and wedding. But now? I am starting to think about it again, our appointment today brings it to the top of my mind.

"How long are we going to have to wait?" I whisper, I am fidgeting with the magazine I'm holding, my nerves have taken over.

"Susan, relax, we're early, remember? I am sure Janet will be out shortly." He reaches out and takes the magazine out of my hands and drops it on the table, then entwines his fingers with mine. He gives my hand a little kiss, then holds it on his knee.

After what seems like forever, Janet Coburn appears. She transferred from County a while back, and as we both know her, she was a great choice.

"Susan! John! Nice to see you both." She takes us into the exam room. "You both look nice and tanned."

"We just got back from the Caribbean, we had lots of time outdoors, it was wonderful." I fill her in a little bit on our trip, and she notes the large diamond on my finger.

"I guess more congratulations are in order. So, do I need to change the name on your file?"

"Thank you, we got married while we were on holiday. And no, I'm still Lewis, it's easier for work, two Carters in the ER would be confusing."

Janet has me change into a gown and then I lay down, she does a quick exam, then squeezes the gel onto my belly. "You've been feeling good? Feeling movement?"

"Quite a bit of movement now, fluttering almost, kind of like little butterflies. And I have been feeling great, my appetite is back, so I ate well during the trip. Got lots of sleep too."

"Perfect. Okay, let's see what we have going on here." She places the wand on my belly, and we hear a nice strong fast heartbeat. Janet has the screen turned towards her at the moment, I can't see anything. She moves the wand back and forth for a minute, a frown of concentration on her face. "Hmmmmmm. That's interesting."

I can still hear the strong heartbeat. "What? Is there something wrong?" I feel a little panic rising, and John grips my hand, and places his other hand reassuringly on my shoulder.

"No, just….." She turns the screen and shows us. "Look at this, two heartbeats, two little babies."

I turn an astonished gaze on John. He was right? He is actually smiling? I am carrying two babies, and he is smiling? His eyes seem riveted to the screen, but he feels my gaze and glances down at me, then shrugs. "Are they both nice and healthy?" John is now looking at Janet.

"Based on what I see, everything looks fantastic. I just need to finish up these measurements." She concentrates for a couple minutes longer. "Yes, they look perfect. Nice strong heartbeats, development looks to be right on track, it confirms you are almost 18 weeks now. Do you want to know if you are having boys or girls?"

"No, don't tell us." John is quite positive, he does not want to know. I kind of want to know, I found out when I was pregnant with Brooklynn, but I respect his decision.

"All right, I'll keep it to myself then." She spends a couple more minutes checking things with the wand, then she wipes off the gel, and cleans the wand. "You know the drill, let me know if you have any problems, but congratulations, twins is exciting." She looks over at John. "You don't seem all the surprised."

"I'm not, I had, a feeling? A premonition?"

Janet lifts an eyebrow. "Seriously, you knew it was twins."

I laugh. "Oh believe it, our friend is pregnant, and we are only 4 weeks apart, but John noticed we are about the same size, and said he thought we might be having more than one baby. Crazy, but true."

"Ahhh, well, good observation, though sometimes it is just the size of the baby or how you carry. But in this case, John, you were correct. So, if no questions, I'll let you get dressed, and make your next appointment with the receptionist on your way out. We will keep a little closer eye on you, take it easy, okay? You'll probably have to go off work early too, as you both know twins can sometimes be a bit early, and this is your second pregnancy, so it is even more likely. Maybe make some arrangements to go on leave early, at about 8 months, if you can take it easy you'll might be able to delay labour. See you both soon."

Janet speeds off to her next patient and I start to get dressed. "Twins, I didn't really think….John, I want to kill you. Twins."

"Why? What did I do?"

"If I have to tell you…and you call yourself a doctor. You know what!"

He laughs. "Oh, that….well, I'm pretty sure you were there too, so turn that finger around, I'm not taking all the blame for this. Funny, I thought you enjoyed it at the time." He strokes a finger down my cheek and grasps my chin lightly and gives me a sweet kiss. "It'll be fine, Susan, we can do this. Look at the bright side, we'll have 3 kids and you only have to go through morning sickness and labour twice."

"Yeah, easy for you to say, you don't have to push out two babies. One was hard enough, but now I have to do two? And maybe we would only have had two. This is crazy, twins."

"I'll be right there, I'm a great labour coach, I promise. And to be honest, I've always thought I'd like three kids." He embraces me. "I guess we have more news to share, it's been a big month for the Carter family."

"You could say that, engaged, married, and finding out about twins all within the same month." I wrap my arms around him. "I'm so glad you're here, I don't think I could do this on my own."

The rest of the day passes with me in a fog. Two babies. Though, I can count myself lucky, John loves me, we can afford for me to take extra time off, and we will have help at home. It will be so much easier than when I had Brooklynn.

"Susan. Susan? Are you okay?" A voice cuts into my thoughts, and I realize I have been staring at the chest films for my patient for who knows how long.

I turn and see Rachel staring at me, concern etched on her face. She must just have started her shift, I hadn't seen her yet today.

"Oh….ummm, yes, I guess so." I try to smile. "We got some news today."

"The ultrasound? Is everything okay with the baby?"

"With the _babies_ plural, yes they are perfect. Twins, I'm having twins." It hits me like a ton of bricks. "Rachel, I'm having two babies."

" _What?_ That's amazing! Twins…..are you happy?"

"Yes, but scared too. Janet said they are both nice and healthy, development is on track, it's just….wow, you know, twins. Thank goodness I have John now, I can't even imagine if I'd had twins the first round. It was tough enough to take care of one baby on my own."

"Well, maybe if it had been twins, you would have come back to Chicago and confessed to John, you know? He would have helped you."

"I know, Rachel, I still would have been scared though, telling someone you are with that you're pregnant is sometimes hard, telling someone you're not having a relationship with anymore that you're having their baby, that's even harder. Could you imagine coming back to Chicago and me saying – hey John guess what, I have a surprise, I'm pregnant and it's twins?"

"I'm sure it is Susan, but it happens all the time. How is he taking the news?"

"No problem from his view, he is thrilled. And I bet his grandmother is going to be super excited, she was happy to be getting another great grandbaby to spoil, but two? She'll be beside herself with joy."

"It might make your other decision easier too. You know, to move out to her house, you will want the space, the yard."

"I suppose that's a good point. You know we talked about how many more kids we wanted, I was thinking we'd have two and that would be it. John's happy because he wanted three. Anyway, I am sure John and I will be have some discussions, you're right about moving out to his grandmothers place."

John meets me at the admit desk at the end of our shift, he is chatting so calmly with Peter. "So you have the address, see you are around 10am? Ready to go, Susan?"

We arrive back at the mansion, and I have to admit, it is nice to walk in, be met by two happy little girls who have spent the whole day riding, swimming and running around the massive grounds, with the bonus that dinner is ready to be served as soon as we both wash up. I know John likes independence from the demands of his family, but on the other hand, it is pretty nice to enjoy some of these luxuries. I never imagined that I would be the lucky lady to share all of this with him.

We sit down for dinner, the girls chatter about their day, which included making cookies with Corinne. I think the staff love having the little girls around, the house was pretty quiet before we moved in.

"How was everything at the doctor's appointment." Millicent has been attentive and is always making sure things are okay with the baby. Well babies in this case, though she has no idea, yet.

"Well, we wanted to talk about that." John sits back slightly in his chair, and Millicent's head snaps around at his words.

"Is everything okay with the baby?" She has a concerned frown on her face.

"Yes, except….well, there are two babies. We're having twins."

You could have heard a pin drop. This may be the first time I have ever seen Millicent Carter speechless. "Twins?" She finally speaks. "John, Susan, that is terrific news."

Brooklynn and Susie are looking at us curiously. "Mommy, you are having two babies? Do I get a little brother, or a little sister or two sisters, or…"

"We don't know yet, sweetie, we are going to wait and be surprised when the babies are born. But yes, there will be two babies."

"That's neat, and Susie gets to have two more cousins. Am I going to have to share my room?"

I glance over at John, he just gives a slight nod. "Probably not. You know, daddy and I are thinking that maybe we should come and live out here with Gamma. Then you could have a room all to yourself." I can see Millicent's face light up as I say this. "What do you think, would you like to live in this house all the time, be close to the horses?"

A huge grin spreads across her face. "Would I? That would be so much fun, to be here all the time. I can have my princess room, and there is room for Susie to come stay."

"So, you two are going to move out here?" Millicent is keeping her excitement in check, but I can tell she is pleased with the developments of the day.

"Very likely, Gamma, it makes a lot of sense, we are either going to have to buy something bigger with a yard or we make the move here. Peter and Cleo love the house in town, so they are interested in renting it for a while. You have a lot of room, we need more, it's great for everyone, including the kids, they have their great grandmother around more too."

Just like that, we have decided, and overall I am happy with the move. John and I discussed it a few times while we were on holiday, and now with the confirmation of twins on the way, we really need the room. The third bedroom at the house in town is a decent size, but 3 kids in our current house? I don't think so, the amount of baby stuff required would take up all the room we have.

I am getting ready for bed, when I feel it….little kicks, and I can feel it under my hand too. "John!"

He rushes in "What? Are you okay?" He looks a little panicked.

"Sorry, sorry, I'm fine. Feel this!" I grab his hand and press it to my belly, and as luck would have it, one of the baby complies and kicks again. I can see his eyes light up, this is the first time he has been able to feel our babies move.

He rests his other hand on my belly as well, hoping for some more kicking, the babies are definitely squirming around in there, as happens often shortly after I eat. "That was incredible, we have a little football player in there." John has just been waiting for the day he can feel our babies move, he didn't get to experience this with my last pregnancy. He often rubs my belly, or rests a hand there, and he loves to talk to the babies.

"Or maybe just a couple of active little girls? I've been feeling a lot of fluttering and squirming, but that is the first time I think there's been a real kick." I stretch up and kiss him. "I think we need to get the baby room ready."

"We have time, but yes, we can choose a bedroom and start thinking about how we want to set things up, we can go shopping and pick out furniture, get a few baby clothes, get the room painted and decorated." He sounds a bit like a kid at Christmas, almost more excited about shopping than I am. It's cute how happy he is about the new babies, he was meant to be a dad, that is for sure.

The next morning he is up early, but we have the day off, so our mission today is to choose a bedroom to be the nursery. The rooms are all gorgeous but I want to have the babies close, so we choose one right across the hallway. I will probably want to have them in bassinets in our bedroom for the first while, but it will be great to have the room ready, the first few months will be very busy.

Peter is coming out this morning to go over some details, so I spend some time with the girls while John gets himself organized in the study. He is quite excited about getting started, now that he is just an Attending, I think he misses the challenge of being Chief Resident.

I know for sure Peter has never been here when he arrives. John is upstairs, grabbing a journal he was reading last night, so I greet Peter at the door, he has brought Reese with him. John told me he had invited him to bring Reese, it has been hot and he thought perhaps he might enjoy meeting the girls and joining them for a swim.

Peter looks around with a stunned look on his face. "I knew the guy was loaded, but are you kidding me? He has his own castle." He says this to me in a low voice. "I hope they don't tow my car, doesn't exactly fit in here."

"Well, his grandmother has her own castle, but I know what you mean. The first time I was out here, I couldn't believe it either. I am kind of getting used to it, strangely enough. Can I get either of you a drink?" I can tell Reese is a bit overwhelmed at the size of the house too.

"Sure." I take his folders and drop them on John's desk in the lavish study, then take Peter and Reese through to the kitchen and pull open the fridge.

"So, soda, ice tea, fruit juice, lemonade, ice water? What would you like?"

"Ice tea would be great, it's hot out there." Peter talks and signs for Reese as he responds to my question. Peter Benton as a dad, I never pictured it but he is incredibly patient with his son, something he never was with John when he was a student. Peter looks around, noting the massive gourmet kitchen, and the doorway through to the butler kitchen. "Two kitchens?"

"Yup, his grandparents would throw some pretty big parties, back when his grandfather was still alive." I grab glasses out of the cupboard and pour some ice tea. "John will be down in a minute, did you want to sit outside or in the study?"

Just then John appears. "Peter, you found the place."

"Hard to miss, really." Peter gets in his amicable dig.

John just laughs, he doesn't seem to mind Peter bugging him about his wealth. "I suppose that's true, it's not small is it. So, Susan got you a drink, should we sit outside? It is nice today, and we spend so much time cooped up in the hospital. I just need to grab a few things." He picks up all the folders and his laptop, then they sit out on the stone terrace, in the outdoor living room as Millicent calls it. Fancy, but surprisingly comfortable furniture with a stone coffee table and outdoor fireplace, like something out of a home and garden magazine. It has a view over the pool, but the pool is just far enough away from the house that the two men can talk without the kids bothering them.

"The girls want to swim, did Reese bring his swimsuit?"

"Carter said he should, he just needs to change."

"Oh I'll show him to the pool house, Millicent doesn't like anyone going through the house in wet bathing suits." I have learned just enough sign language to talk to Reese a bit, and he has learned to read lips now too. "Would you like to swim Reese?" I ask him and he nods enthusiastically.

Brooklynn and Susie bounce in, already in swimsuits, but with a change of clothes in a small swim bag. Millicent is strict about certain things, so the girls know they have to shower and change and hang up their wet swimsuits before they come back to the house.

Peter and John get started, I see Corinne discreetly appear with a fresh pitcher of ice tea for them and a small plate of snacks. The same appears on the table near the pool area, except in plastic cups for the kids. I decide to catch up on some of my journal reading, so I sit on a lounger by the pool to supervise the kids, and read some of the articles John has marked for me.

The three kids have a great time splashing and playing in the pool, and when they tire of that, they locate some outdoor games and run around the lawn like crazy, laughing and shrieking. I am proud of the girls, they make Reese feel welcome, and soon learn to look directly at him when they talk, so he can understand what is happening.

After a couple hours, John and Peter have covered most of the details and Corinne serves everyone some lunch. Peter is observing John, watching how relaxed he is despite the opulent surroundings and the staff that attend to every need. It is tough to imagine life as a Carter until you see it first hand, I think this is the only time Peter has seen this side of his life up close.

After lunch the girls are clamouring to go see the horses and do some riding, so John sends them upstairs to change into their riding clothes. Somehow Susie has acquired a full riding habit, and she has taken over riding Farah, while Brooklynn is now using Marigold. In the time since she started, she had become adept with the animals, Between Frank and John's instruction, she is becoming a confident and skilled rider, and I can see already that Susie is loving it as much as Brooklynn. The cousins have bonded, they were close before, but now they are as thick as thieves.

"Do you think Reese would like to try riding? If you have a bit of time to hang around for a while that is."

"I'm in no rush, if you two don't need to be anywhere. I don't know about the horses, Reese has never had much to do with animals, can we take him up to see them, then he might want to, especially if the girls ride."

John puts all the papers in the house, and the kids change, we all walk up to the stables. Reese is a little scared at first, but John catches Farah, Marigold and Aria out of the field and brings them in, letting Reese pet them and get comfortable. Then he help Brooklynn and Susie saddle up Marigold and Aria, and they take them for a ride in the arena, while he gets Farah ready for Reese who is now excited about getting on the horse. John leads him for a bit, then he shows Reese how to control the horse and lets him take Farah for a ride around the ring.

Peter watches with interest. "He is so great with kids, he should have gone into pediatrics. Reese just loves Carter, I can tell, he is a patient teacher."

"He is equally as good with all age groups, actually, but I see why you would say that. I notice that kids love him."

"I sure underestimated him when he came into the ER that first day. I think we all did."

"I remember, we were talking about it not long ago actually. I could never have imagined back then where our relationship has gone. Even 5 years ago, I had no clue I would end up married to the guy, we both thought we were just having fun, you know?"

Peter laughs. "Nope, and I don't want to know, you just keep that part to yourself. Though it seems Carter knows how to have _fun_." Who knew, Peter Benton with a sense of humour. "He's a good doctor, I am really looking forward to working with him again. Hey, I heard the news, twins? Congratulations."

"Tell me about it, life is going to start to get really busy in the next few months. So strange though, I can take some time off and stay home for a while if I want."

"Ahh, the privilege of marrying Carter, money will never be a problem. Look at this joint, the horses live better than half of Chicago. You know he offered us a sweet rental deal on his house, and it is perfect for us, we couldn't afford to live in the area."

"I know, he told me. He wants someone in there that will take good care of the house, and he respects you, values your friendship"

"I value his as well, we have not always seen eye to eye, but we work together well."

Reese was smiling and waving at Peter now, Frank had brought Eclipse for John, and he was riding beside Reese, and got him moving a little faster on the horse. "How many horses does Carter have, they just keep appearing?"

"Well, three are his, the one he's riding and the two the girls are riding, the one Reese is on belonged to his cousin Chase. I think there are twelve on the property, some were his grandfathers, not sure about who owns the rest of them. He has a lot of hidden talents, he sails, skiis, scuba dives, rides, fences, and he has a business degree on top of his medical degree. And that isn't even close to everything he knows how to do, he has traveled everywhere, and he has a way with people. And a bit of a temper sometimes, but hey you already know that."

"Only too well, he has told me off a few times, and he's stubborn, but I guess that's what it takes to survive his family. You know, you get an idea of what it must be like, to have so much, then you realize that it's not necessarily as great as you thought. My family is really close, my sister Jackie and I, and my mom was so great. I don't think Carter had that, at all."

"No, he didn't. His grandmother is great though, I like her a lot. Anyway, this new study you are talking about, will probably be good for him, he needs to be learning, in motion, he doesn't sit around much, always busy with something. Even on holiday there was minimal lounging, but we did a lot too. He took me out sailing on a small boat when we were there, it was so much fun, and everyday we were out sightseeing, or doing water sports, it was a busy holiday."

"I can see that, Carter never was one to sit around, even at work he was always finding something to do. He learns fast, I wasn't kidding when I said it was a damn waste of talent, having him quit surgery, I wish I had the chance to talk him out of it, he would have been great. Pediatric surgery would have been a real possibility for him, he has the bedside manner, and certain surgeons recognized it. Hicks for one."

"And Keaton, right? She saw it in him, how he connects with children."

Peter nodded. "She agreed to take me on for a rotation, next thing I know she has Carter tagging along. She took a liking to him right away." Peter seems to realize what he just said, and gives me a look, then continues. "He kept a patient from walking out, I didn't know what to say to the girl, he did, he got through to her in like 20 seconds, I kid you not. He made some comment and I thought, Carter, what in the hell are you going on about, then the girl turned around and started talking to him, and he got her to stay. She was Keaton's patient and it was impressive, how he knew just what to say to her, he seemed to know what was bothering her and got her to share."

"He's intuitive, and very observant, Peter. And so good with the patients."

"Yes, he is. Far better than I have ever been."

"He is in the right occupation."

Shortly after Peter and Reese leave, Reese is excited and signing away to Peter about his experience on the horses.


	31. Chapter 31

After Peter and Reese leave, we take the girls out for ice cream and a visit to the park, so they can burn off what little remaining energy they have. We have a nice dinner with Millicent, and send Brooklynn and Susie to bed early.

I have the next day off , but John is going in to work. Rachel has asked him to cover a shift for her, and since she was so great in helping cover some of ours, he wants to return the favour. He is a full Attending now, the new Chief Resident is doing a fair job, and John is helping them settle into the job.

Johns life is going to get really busy soon, as the approvals are almost done for the study, and they have a huge grant coming to cover it.

"Hey, I'm going to leave that information out for you, if you have a chance take a look through it and see if you like any of the ideas." True to his word, John is sharing his list of study ideas, I am way behind him, and the gap will get bigger when I have to be off work. John thought it would give me something to work on, and if I start now it will still allow me access to hospital records to get started. I can't help but be impressed, he has some interesting ideas, and a lot of them he won't have time to use, given that the study he and Peter are going to be starting will be a major commitment for a year at minimum.

"Thanks John, these look great." I give him a big kiss. "What time are you done work?"

"9pm. I should be home by 10 unless it gets crazy."

"Okay, I'll see you later. Love you."

"I love you too." He gives me a kiss and heads out the door."

Tiffany has invited me out to lunch today, as she knows I am off. We have told her and Jim, about the twins, and she shares they are having a baby boy.

"So time to set up the nursery?" Tiffany is looking radiant, and is now actually smaller than I am, so I am a little jealous.

"John is getting a decorator, they are going to give us some ideas and do the painting and everything. Then we get to go shopping for furniture and all those things." We have had lunch and are wandering through one of the baby stores. There is so much cute stuff, but I am not sure what to buy, since I don't know what I'm having. "He is having a lot of fun with all this baby stuff, kind of like a kid at Christmas."

"Jim too, maybe we will all have to go shopping together, once you know about the nursery. I can't believe you two are not finding out what you are having, Jim and I could not wait. Now we can buy everything and set it all up for a baby boy."

"John really likes the idea of being surprised, though, I guess he got surprised already. Surprise, you have a 4 year old daughter."

"Ha, you can joke about it now, but he was pretty angry with you. Though, to his credit he did try to understand why you kept it a secret, and he has obviously forgiven you."

"I know, he is really good to me, and it seems easier now that a little time has gone by. Anyway, he gets to make the rules on this one, so we're not finding out. Least I can do for him, you know. I can't even secretly find out, since I'd probably end up letting it slip and spoil it for him. And he would be really angry with me after we agreed not to find out."

I buy a few cute items, but I don't go too crazy, I really want to see what the decorator comes up with for the baby room, so I limit myself to a few toys and a couple of sleepers that could be worn by either girls or boys. Tiffany buys quite a bit, and I help her pick out some things.

"You know with me having twins, we are actually going to be having our babies really close to the same time? Twins are often early."

"Really? That is going to be so great, our kids can grow up together. We will have to try and get out lots while you are off work too. How long are you taking off?"

"We are still talking about that, I know I will have to leave work earlier now we know about the twins, and I might want to take off a bit more afterwards. We are just getting used to the idea. The next few weeks are going to go really fast, Susie will go home at the end of the month, Brooklynn will start school at the beginning of September, and we have to get ready for the babies."

"I know, but it is so much fun, decorating the nursery, picking out names, all of it. I am so excited."

"Me too. How is Jim?"

"Great, he's quite happy, becoming a dad for the first time. He sees how John is with his daughter, and your neice and he wants that himself. We have been together for a long time and I thought it would never happen."

We stop and have some tea and a small snack at the end of the shopping and then we both go our separate ways.

John gets home quite late, and tries not to wake me up, but I hear the shower running. I roll over and look at the clock, he should have been off at 9, but it is 2am. When he slips between the covers, I am still awake. "Hey, busy night? You're kind of late."

He sighs. "Yeah, we had a really bad one come in, there was a major fire in an apartment building. A little baby was severely injured by falling debris, it was one of the worst things to see. I ended up assisting on the surgery, it was critical and everyone else was tied up in the OR's, and I was done my shift so they could spare me in the ER."

I wrap my arms around him, I can tell he's had a tough shift. "Is the baby okay?"

"He's in NICU now, but he's holding his own. I waited to make sure he was going to be okay, they have a senior surgical resident watching him, so they told me to come home."

"Well, I'm glad you're home, you seem exhausted."

"I am, it was one of those shifts, tough case after tough case, some horrible burns to deal with, just…I don't even want to think about it right now. So, how was your afternoon?"

"Great, Tiffany looks wonderful, we did a bit of shopping. I bought a few little things, but I want to wait for the decorator before I get to crazy. I have it set up for Friday, I took a look at your schedule, looks like you're off?"

"Yes, but I might have to go to a lunch meeting. Which is something I need to talk to you about, I have an offer for a rotation within the hospital, but I am not sure you are going to like it. It would help for the study, but…I told Peter I should talk to you first."

"Why? Are the hours going to bother me?"

"No, but the person the rotation is with might, and if it is going to be an issue for you, I'll turn it down."

"Okay, why would it bother me?" I am not sure why he would turn down something that would be of value both to him personally and for the study.

"It's a pediatric surgical rotation, with a visiting surgeon, who will be in Chicago for about 6 months, though the rotation is only 90 days."

"So?" Pediatric. I have a feeling I know what he is going to say next.

"It's Keaton."

"Like as in Abby Keaton?" Oh boy, no wonder he thinks I won't like it, and to be honest, I am not thrilled at the thought of my husband working directly with someone he's slept with. They will be spending a _lot_ of time together. Though to be fair it was years ago.

"Yes, she did the surgery on the baby, and requested me to assist her, since she knew I had previous pediatric experience."

"She's going to be at Northwestern for 6 months?"

"Rosen invited her a while back apparently, he knows her and talked her into doing some special training within the hospital, and he put me on the list of people he wants to be involved. He doesn't know about our….previous involvement….and neither of us are planning to enlighten him. He knows we worked together at County though."

"Won't Rosen find it strange if you say no?"

"Maybe, but I really need you to be honest with me, if it is going to be a problem for you, then I can't do it. We are in such a good place right now." I know why he is feeling this way, I have lost it on other occasions about the ex-girlfriends.

"What about Keaton, will she be offended if you don't do the rotation?"

"I haven't thought about that, this is about us, about our marriage and our life together." He stops and looks at me. "Susan, you know I love you, our family is more important to me that anything else in the entire world. I won't do anything to jeopardize what we have."

I take a deep breath and I know what I have to do. "You should do the rotation, it is a huge professional opportunity, put forward to you by Rosen. I know I have been a little crazy at times with the ex-girlfriend thing, and I appreciate you considering my feelings when you are making the decision. However, as you once said, I trust you or I don't. I choose to trust you."

"That means a lot, you know, that you trust me. Thank you Susan, I was not sure how this was going to go."

"I think you need to trust me a little more, then." I know if this marriage is going to last, forever as I hope it will, I have to trust him fully and completely. And he understands jealousy, he admitted to being jealous of Mark, but he trusted me, believed me when I said nothing happened, and we got through it. How can I do less for him.

"I do trust you, completely, but I also wanted to be really up front about this, it is just a professional relationship, she knows I'm married. We had a bit of a talk when we were waiting for the baby to come out of sedation, and she saw my ring."

"Is she married? Or involved with someone?"

"Does it matter, Susan? _I'm_ married, so nothing is going to happen."

"No, it doesn't matter, I trust you, so take the rotation." I reach out and touch his face, then give him a kiss. I pull back and look in his eyes. "She's not married."

"No, she's not." His eyes meet mine. "I thought it didn't matter."

"I just wanted to know, it doesn't change anything, John. Take the position." Trust. That is an important part of what we have, and really, married people have affairs, with other married people. So it truly doesn't matter if Keaton is married or not. I have to trust my husband to be faithful to me, that he won't stray with any other woman, I know for sure if he hasn't had the opportunity to cheat, he will have the opportunity at some point in our marriage. I refuse to be a suspicious wife, lack of trust would for sure tear us apart.

John gives me another kiss. "You're right, it doesn't. I love _you,_ that isn't going to change." He wraps me in his arms, and I snuggle up as close as my belly will allow. "Get some sleep, we both have to work tomorrow."

"I love you, John." I whisper this to him as we both drift off to sleep.

The next morning John wakes me with a gentle shake and soft kisses. "Time to get up, I tried to let you sleep in a bit." I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him back. He is dressed and ready for work, he starts a bit earlier than I do today. I squint at the clock.

"When do you need to leave?"

"Oh, about an hour."

"Wait for me? I'll get dressed quickly, if you can get me some breakfast, I'll drive in with you."

"Sure, just remember if you show up early, you're going to get dragged into the vortex."

"I'll hide out."

"You can use my office."

"You don't have an office."

"Ah, well, that is my other news. Rosen gave me an office on the surgical floor, I'll be up there more often and with the study bringing in so much grant money, Peter and I are getting the royal treatment now, we both have offices."

"Really? Do you have a couch so I can take naps?"

John laughs. "Yes, for sure. So, get ready, and I'll show it to you before I have to start work."

In no time we are on our way towards the hospital. I am munching on one of those fabulous breakfast sandwiches that Corinne makes and sipping tea. I feels a bit like déjà vu, yet so much has changed since the first time I stayed at the house.

John parks in our spot in the doctor's lot, and he takes me to his office. I make myself comfortable as I still have over an hour before I need to start, and John goes to check on the little boy from the night before. There is a tap on the door of the office. "Come in."

The door opens and an attractive blond, who appears to be slightly older than me, peeks in. She is wearing blue scrubs, so I know she is a surgeon. "I was looking for John. Dr. Carter, I mean."

"He went to check on a patient, then he is on shift in the ER."

"Oh, right the Simons baby, he did a terrific job assisting me last night. You must be Dr. Lewis. John told me all about you, you look wonderful by the way." She gives me a friendly smile.

"Call me Susan, please. You must be Dr. Keaton. And thanks, I am feeling really well right now, I get to have the glow for a while before I start wishing for these babies to come out."

"Please, call me Abby, I don't like too much formality with my colleagues either. Twins, that is exciting, John seems pretty happy, it is nice to see. He showed me a picture of your daughter Brooklynn, she's adorable, has her daddy's eyes, doesn't she."

"She does. He's great with her, really terrific with kids overall. My niece stayed with us this summer and she totally loves him."

"He does have the gift, you probably know he did a pediatric rotation with me and Peter Benton, but John was far better with the kids than Peter."

"Yes, I did know. He mentioned he might have the opportunity to work with you again."

"Yes, Dr. Rosen put him on the list, and I would love for him to work with my team. I wanted to sit down and talk about it with him." Abby is looking at me intently. "Is it a problem for you? If he accepted the position? I know that you are one of the few here that know the history, and I certainly don't want to cause issues for you and John."

"I don't have a problem with it at all. I trust him, implicitly. I do know the history, I have for quite a while. I told him he should take the position if it is what he wanted to do, it won't cause issues between John and I. I know you have developed some cutting edge surgical techniques, and it would be valuable for him to refresh his surgical skills. A great opportunity really."

"Trust. Important in a marriage, and I can assure you, this is strictly a professional appointment. It is clear to me that he loves you very much, and also, I don't get involved with married men in any circumstance. The history we can't change, but we were both single at that time and it was years ago. I say this because if he works with me, we will be working very closely, for long shifts, but you seem to be very comfortable with the whole thing, so that is good. He obviously talked to you about this already."

I find myself liking this woman, she speaks openly and honestly, she is giving me further reassurance, and I believe her. What they had is long past, it was a couple months after I broke up with him.

"Yes, and I appreciated it, he is great that way, we can talk about things. It really is fine with me, Abby, he is a talented doctor and he needs the challenge. I won't stand in the way of that, ever. I appreciate your candour though, it makes me even more certain John should take the position, if you are willing to have him work on your team."

"No question, he was the best intern I had seen come through for quite a while, which is why I pulled him into the rotation last time. I know Peter was resistant to it at first, but John proved himself really quickly, he kept a teenage girl from walking out, she really needed the surgery. Anyway, I was hopeful he would accept, it would be great to work with him again, and he is a much more seasoned doctor now. It surprised me he moved to Emergency Medicine, though I know a lot happened after I left County. If I had stayed, I would have asked him to consider pediatric surgery, he would have excelled at it, no doubt in my mind. It requires a softer touch, you need to have the bedside manner, and he has it."

"I know, he is terrific in the ER, he is great at running a trauma, and dealing with the patients and families. I always knew he would be a great doctor, and he is."

"Well, I have a surgery in a few minutes, it was really nice to meet you Susan. I am sure we will be seeing quite a bit of each other."

"Nice to meet you as well, Abby. I have a shift so I need to get down to the ER."

I push my locker shut, and sling my stethoscope around my neck. I can feel the babies moving around, it feels like they are doing somersaults.

John is updating the board at the admit desk. "Dr. Keaton was looking for you."

"Hmmmm, what?" John turns and looks at me.

"Abby, she came by your office, looking for you. We had a chat, she's very nice."

"Oh, you met her. That's good, I'll go up and see her when I'm finished with my patient."

"You're going to take the rotation, right?" I flip through the chart I'm holding.

"Yes, is that still okay, no…issues with it?"

"None, even less now I've met her. She really seems great, and it is a fabulous opportunity for you." I rub his arm and then head off the exam room to see my first patient.

I know it is the right decision, and within a couple days the announcement is out on who is getting the much coveted roles on the team. No surprise that John is on the list, Rosen, Keaton, and Benton all wanted him to be there. It turns out that there was some stiff competition for the spots, everyone was hoping to work with the renowned Dr. Keaton, and only 3 were chosen. I know there is a back history, but I am still impressed with my husband, I think he has worked very hard to get where he is, overcome a lot, he deserves it.

Rachel catches up with me one shift and we go for a coffee. Still nothing new with her, though it seems things are rough at home. I try to get her to talk about it, but she keeps changing the subject, so I let it go. When she is ready, she will tell me.

"So, I heard John got one of the Keaton spots. How are you feeling about that?"

"Great, I'm happy for him, he is a very good doctor, he deserves it."

"Hmmm, is that all there is to it? He seems kind of chummy with her, you know. They are so informal with each other, and they are spending a lot of time together, she has had him in the OR with her constantly."

"He worked with her at County, Rachel. He knew her already, and Abby is pretty informal. I like her, and I am not at all worried, I knew that they would be spending a lot of time together. Kind of like when you were a resident and you had a student assigned, like your own personal shadow? Well, same thing, she is a teacher and mentor, he is going to be spending time with her."

"Abby, huh. So, you're not concerned at all, that your husband is spending that much time with her."

"Not at all, I've met her, had a chance to talk to her, and she's lovely, a very nice person. She encourages her team to be informal, apparently she feels it's more conducive to teamwork if everyone is comfortable with each other."

"Okay, but I'd keep an eye on your man, she's not married, and he seems to be a favourite on her team already. Benton worked with her and he's not nearly as friendly with Keaton."

"Well, Peter is more reserved that way. I've known Peter a long time, he and John are two very different personalities. I think John is more like Keaton in personality so they get along better. Peter is great though, I like him a lot and he has changed over the years, become warmer, but back then he was much different."

Rachel nods and drops the subject. I don't know why she is so worried, but I am keeping with the trust thing, I am not going to freak out on John about this, he would not appreciate it.

Over the next couple weeks I worry less, John hasn't changed at all, he is still warm and affectionate, and he shares openly what is going on up on the surgical floors. Our relationship is still the same, wonderful and loving.

Peter also seems pleased with things, and he shows no concern at all about John working with Keaton. He actually makes a comment to me about how glad he is that I encourage him to take the offered position.

We spend August getting the baby room ready, and it is perfect. Decorated with a cute jungle theme, John and I picked out furniture, and it has been incredibly fun. I didn't get to have this much fun when I had Brooklynn, I was in a small rented apartment, now I'm in a mansion. So strange how fortune changes.

The babies are active and healthy, I am thankful that my doctor is right upstairs though, as my appointments are more frequent to keep an eye on the development of the two babies.

"Everything is looking great, we have two amniotic sacs, so fraternal twins. They are growing nicely. Have you and John talked about going off work? I think September if you can manage it." Janet is doing another quick ultrasound.

"Yes, I can go off work whenever I need to, John says no later than end of September, earlier if you advise it." The door opens and John comes in just then. He takes a look at the screen as Janet finishes measuring.

"So all good?"

"Yes, but I think middle of September, John. Susan, we need to keep those babies growing for as long as possible, and the ER can be a bit of a tough place to work, you are what 34? So more of a chance of early delivery, slightly higher risk with twins."

John nods. "Whatever you think Janet, it isn't a problem for Susan to leave work early. We talked to Dr. Rosen already, he knows about the twins. We have another daughter at home too, just starting school this fall, so it might be nice for her to have her mother home more."

"Do you have some extra help at home? Take some of the load off of Susan so she doesn't have to work too hard." Janet finishes up and wipes off the gel.

I almost laugh out loud. A little extra help? Try a full staff that cooks, cleans, does my laundry, not to mention the nanny who will be picking up and dropping off Brooklynn when we both are on shift. "I think we have that covered, we have lots of help." I look over at John who just gives me a little grin. The move to Millicent's has worked out really well, she is busy with her own things, John and I work and are busy with Brooklynn, and I love having meals made for us. Not to mention I always have clean clothes.

I look at the calendar and realize that I only have about 3 weeks left of work, then I will be off.

Susie will be going home, and Brooklynn will be in school. I am very sad, our time with Susie is almost up, but Joe misses her, and it is even more difficult for him as Chloe is still missing.

Chloe. I still wonder where in the world she is, if she is even still alive. I love her so much, but I has been difficult to have her as my sister, she is always disappearing.

I take the girls out shopping for some school clothes, Brooklynn has uniforms she has to wear, so we buy her the required number, and some new casual clothes for the weekends. She has grown so much over the summer, my first little baby. Susie I buy a whole bunch of new clothes as she has outgrown everything this summer.

The last week of August, Joe drives up from Texas and stays with us for a few days, he is going to take Susie back to Texas with him.

"Susan, this place is impressive. You've done very well for yourself, John seems great, you live in an incredible house, and you look happy. I have to thank you for taking Susie for the summer, she said she's had a great time."

"We have loved every minute of it, Joe. Anytime you need a break, let us know and we can arrange to take her for a visit. She is a wonderful little girl, she and Brooklynn bonded so much this summer. I am going to miss her so much."

"I know she'll miss all of you too. I will keep it in mind."

"Still nothing from Chloe?"

"No, I've got a missing persons report out on her, Susan. I hope they locate her, but I'm worried. And if she comes back, how do we manage it? I can never trust her with Susie again, not after the whole New York thing." Joe rubbed his face. "Susan, what do I do? I love that little girl so much, I hope I can give her everything she needs."

"Joe, I really mean it when I say she can come and stay anytime. If you ever feel overwhelmed, call me."

"How would John feel about that? She is not his child, his responsibility."

"He loves her, Joe. You should have seen the three of them this summer, Brooklynn, Susie, and John. You would never have known she was not his daughter. You know he was there, when she was born?"

"No. He was?" Joe sounds really surprised.

"Yes, he was. He was on shift when I brought Chloe in, and he helped coach her through labour. He saw her all the time at work, when I would bring her in for daycare, he was my confidant and friend when I lost her to Chloe. He knows how much Susie means to me, he knows I almost adopted her. He has told me she is welcome any time in our home, he would have no problem caring for her as much as needed, she's my family Joe."

"He truly is a good guy, isn't he? He welcomes her all summer, has her come on that fancy trip, makes her part of your wedding. Susie was over the moon excited when you married him, hold onto him tight Susan. You look so great by the way, having more babies, I think being a mother suits you."

"Thanks Joe, he is a very good man, and I love him more than I ever thought possible. I plan on keeping him."

"He's very good to you, I can see that. And he has been good to Susie." Joe sighs. "I love your sister, Susan, but it has been trying, I will keep your offer in mind, maybe this will have to become a regular thing, having her come stay with you."

"We'd love it. Joe, you are also a very good man, loving my sister through all of this, taking care of Susie like she was your own. Thank you, she is so important to me."

Too soon Joe is packing Susie into the car and amongst the many tears, we say good bye. I have so loved having her here this summer, Joe truly is one of the good ones, I only wish my sister had been able to keep her addiction under control. She has given up absolutely everything, her daughter, her husband, her whole life, to drugs.


	32. Chapter 32

September 5th arrives bright and sunny, and it is Brooklynn's first day of school. John and I both arranged to go in a bit late so we can drop her off. She is so excited, especially since she already knows Alysha from our trip. I am not worried though, she is a bubbly outgoing little girl, and John's influence on her social development is noticeable. She was a great kid before, but between John and Millicent, she has picked up a lot of the social etiquette required in their world. Well, our world really, I have to remember this is my life now too, as crazy as it seems. I have always taught her manners, but this is another level of social graces that were never seen in my house.

We park and walk Brooklynn into the school, John greets a few people, and we get some interested glances. A lot of people seem to know who he is, and there is interest in me, as I am sure lots of people know John got married and are now checking out the new wife. I am very visibly pregnant now, but I am comfortable with it, strange how quickly I am getting used to the lifestyle.

Ryan and Angela are both there, so we join them, Angela gives me a quick hug. "You look great! I saw Tiffany a couple days ago, she is doing pretty well too, and we will all have to go for lunch."

"I'd love too. Have you heard our news? We're having twins, so I'm being sidelined at work. We have decided that I'm done middle of September so I will have lots of free time."

"Twins? That's exciting, and maybe a little scary. But I bet you two will be great, look at Brooklynn, she's a wonderful little girl. I have some news too. Ryan and I are expecting in about 7 months, that Caribbean vacation was just the ticket."

"Congratulations, that is exciting! Our kids can all grow up together." We both glance over at the girls, they are chattering together, and soon a few other girls their age have gravitated to the group. "They get along so well, nice to see they are making friends already.

The teacher comes out and introduces herself, then leads the kids off into their classroom. Another of the moms comes up to say hi to Angela.

"Angela, so good to see you, how was your summer?"

"Great, Jill, we spent some time in the Caribbean, and then went to Europe for a bit. Jill, this is Susan Carter. Did you change to Carter?"

"Well, I still go by Lewis, it's easier for work, changing everything is a bit of a hassle."

Jill's eyebrows go up. "Carter?" She steals a glance towards where John is still talking to Ryan. "Nice to meet you Susan. Right, John got married, I saw the announcement in the paper a while back. So, the little girl with Alysha, she's your daughter?"

"Yes, Brooklynn, she just turned 5 in May. Which child is yours?"

"Oh, we have a son, Michael, he's in Brooklynn and Alysha's class then. What do you do, Susan? How did you meet John?"

"I'm a doctor, I met John at work, and we both worked at County a few years ago, now we're both at Northwestern. One of the reasons I didn't change my name, two Dr. Carter's in the same ER would be confusing."

"Wow, an MD? There are a few doctors with kids here, so two more then? I hear John got his MD, I wasn't surprised to hear that he had gone to medical school. He's a smart guy, that one."

"Yes, he is. We're both Emergency Medicine, though John has some surgical background too. What do you do?"

"I'm a lawyer, my husband Grant is in finance. I went to school with John for a while, then my family moved to New York, but I moved back after I married Grant. We will all have to get together for lunch sometime. Sorry, I have to run, I have a deposition in an hour, but it was great to meet you."

"You too, and I think we need to get going too, John and I have a shift, they will be looking for us soon." It seems that John is thinking the same thing, he comes over and puts a hand on my back.

"Hi Jill, how are you. It's been a while."

"I'm great. Nice to see you, I just had the pleasure of meeting your wife here. I do have to run, but we will have to try and get together."

We said our goodbyes as well and headed into the hospital for our shift. It was a busy day, by the end I was feeling exhausted. Maybe having a bit of time off would not be so bad, sleep in, maybe have time to do some work on a research paper or design a study. Every day is getting harder to work through, carrying two babies is a lot of work. Anyway, John was right, I need to get working on my publishing if I want tenure at some point. Though it is not as urgent for me now that I am married to John, it is still a professional goal I'm not ready to give up on.

We are on our way home soon after our shift. We had a chance to call Brooklynn before she went to bed and hear about her first day at school, which apparently went really well. She made some new friends, likes her teacher, and the class sounds like it gives the kids some challenge. Though it is kindergarten, they do spend time working on reading skills, simple math, and other academics, along with playing games, sports, music, art and dance. With the academics they allow the kids to progress in levels and they will progressively give them harder subject matter depending on each child.

"It will be strange not to have you at work. Only another week and you are off."

"I know, but I need to listen to Janet, right? I want the best chance of carrying these babies past 34 weeks that is a worry I have with twins, giving birth too early."

"I agree, take the extra time off. It's not like we can't afford it, and I want to see you get as close to 37 weeks as possible. You can keep busy with other things though, spend some time with Brooklynn, and you don't have to rush back to work either."

"I know, but I don't want to take too much time off either. It might sound silly, but getting tenure is a goal that is still important to me, and I like what I do."

"Not at all, I want to get tenure, I don't need it, but it is my goal as well. I love what I do, I would never tell you to give it up, just not to rush back to work before you're ready. They'll give you a leave of absence, and bring in a replacement for you, Rosen will give you up to a year."

"You're kidding. A year?" I am a bit shocked that I could get that much time off.

"Yes, that is what he told me anyway. Now you just need to decide then talk to Rosen and give him an idea of how long you might want. I kind of like the idea of a year though, that would mean we could do a trip to Europe next year, a belated honeymoon, and then you have the summer off with Brooklynn, you could offer to take Susie again for the summer, that worked well. You know I was hoping to take you this fall for our honeymoon, but Janet thinks flying to Europe is a bad idea, so we will have to postpone. You'll enjoy it more too, right now it might be too tiring."

"I would have loved to go to Europe, but I also love that we are having babies. So we have a date for spring in Paris?"

"Absolutely. I would love to take you to Paris. So how long are you taking off? The year?"

"What if I get bored?"

"With twins? I doubt that very much, but you could take the opportunity to design a killer study, write some articles, catch up on all your journal reading, do some professional upgrading, or just have fun with the kids. It is whatever you want, I am not going to order you around, aside from insisting you take the time off now, but that is for health reasons, and you know that."

"Wow, a year off, that would be amazing. You're really okay with that."

"Of course, I would love it actually, it makes life easier if we want to fit in a bit of travel. Gives you more time to recover, having twins is a big deal, Susan, and I bet Brooklynn would enjoy it too. You have friends that don't work too, it's not like you have to sit around at home. We love Louisa, I'd like to keep her on, and then we never have to even be concerned about babysitting, or getting Brooklynn to and from school. It would be unfair to expect the other staff to take care of the babies, other than maybe if they are sleeping, and we need to go out for a short bit. But it's not part of their jobs, Corinne takes Brooklynn because she likes to, I never expect it of her."

"Yes, I want to keep Louisa, if she is up for staying. I bet she needs a raise though, if she is going to be around more and taking care of twins for us."

"I might have already looked into that." John gives me a quick glance before he looks back at the road. "She would like more hours, and she would be willing to consider being a live in nanny, we have the space. I did some checking and will make sure she is compensated fairly, twin babies requires more pay, and she still has to manage Brooklynn before and after school as needed."

"A live in, how does that work exactly?"

"In this case, we have suites upstairs for the live in staff, like Corinne, it helps with privacy. Ours and theirs. We would arrange her hours in say three week blocks to match the hospital shift changes – or for your year off you two could sit down and figure it out. I thought making her responsible for getting Brooklynn to and from school for consistency, with the option for one of us to call her with sufficient notice if we are going do the pick up. Then you could have her help with the twins as you like, have hours she's expected to be around so you can go out for lunch or shopping on your own. Or if they are sick or cranky, she can help by taking one, that sort of thing."

"Wow that sounds magical, I did so much on my own with Brooklynn, I didn't have the help." I say this before I realize how it sounds, but John doesn't comment, I think we have worn out this subject, he just doesn't want to go there anymore. Sometimes I wonder how he has managed to forgive me, but it just proves what a good person he really is, how much he loves me, that he can get past so much.

"Anyway, think about it, she has turned out to be a really great nanny and I'd hate to lose her, she's willing to work with you to make a schedule that fits everyone."

A week later I clean out my locker, and say good bye to Northwestern for a year. I thought a lot about it, and decided that John was right, we will have 3 children, and I will need time to recover after our twins are born. I will have precious time with Brooklynn, and my twin babies, plus I can keep busy with writing, research and reading, along with visiting my friends.

The ER staff threw me a small baby shower, they all chipped in to buy us a double stroller along with some little snugglies for the babies in the stroller or car seats. We did purchase one stroller already, but John just says. "This is perfect, we can have one in both vehicles." I smile at him, a little curious since he never drives Brooklynn around in his Jeep, and he really won't with the babies. It is just not reliable enough, or set up to cart around 3 kids. It was a great vehicle for a single guy, but a father of three? Not so much.

"I am going to miss you around here, I can't believe you are taking a year off." Rachel gives me a hug.

"I know, but it makes sense, and it's not like I can't come and visit you, or vice versa. Let me know when you have another day off and we can go for lunch and a little bit of shopping or something. And after the babies are born you can come visit me at the house." Rachel still hasn't been out to Millicent's, we usually meet for coffee or lunch in town due to our work schedules.

My time off is unexpectedly wonderful. I get to sleep in, have a delicious breakfast made by Corinne, and I have been out for lunch and coffee with Tiffany, Angela, Jill and Rachel. In the afternoons I often catch up on journal articles or do a light workout in the small home gym John has set up in one of the garage spaces. Of course I have frequent appointments with Janet, John tries to come up for as many as he can, but it is not always possible as he has been in surgery a lot more lately. The rotation with Abby is keeping him very busy, but she always gives him time for personal things if they are not involved in something critical.

I have run into her a few times when I've been for my appointments, and I find myself liking her, she seems like a very sweet and caring woman. I had wondered sometimes why John would have gotten involved with someone so much older than him, but maybe now I understand. Personality wise, they are quite similar, they get along extremely well, something that Rachel noticed right away. Abby is very serious about her work, but also appears to have a great sense of fun and humour, much like John. I wonder if she had stayed in Chicago if it ever would have become more serious between them. John says no, he was in love with me, and Abby was never looking for anything serious, but I still have to fight the little bit of jealousy that arises when I see them together at the hospital. I have worked hard at not letting it show though I think Rachel, and surprisingly, Peter, have picked up on it.

I am now 27 weeks along, and have been off work for about two weeks. I amble into the study and stop off at the desk to pick up some journal articles, John is at his desk with his laptop open, but flipping through a brochure.

"You're up. Good, I need to talk to you about something." He takes my hand and pulls me around the desk then down into his lap. I cuddle up against him.

"Don't know how much longer you are going to let me sit on you like this, I feel huge."

"No, you're not, you look great, just right for someone who has two babies in there, and I would miss this." He gives me a kiss. He never misses an opportunity to be affectionate, loving, and it makes me feel good that he enjoys the closeness between us. "So, I have been doing some thinking, and you know, we need a slightly bigger vehicle. Two car seats in the SUV we have is not going to work with Brooklynn in there too. I mean, they'd all fit, but not comfortably, I don't think Brooklynn will like being squished between two car seats. I've been looking at some brochures, I want your input, and since I have the next couple days off, we could maybe go test drive a couple."

"So what about the one we have?"

"We keep it for sure, it's not even two years old, I kind of like driving it. We can trade off depending on who has the kids, though I think we should have car seats in both, just in case."

"And your Jeep?"

"Ah, I love my Jeep, but I may sell it. We have quite a lot of cars, Susan, but most of them are not all that child friendly and something has to give, so I guess it will be the Jeep. It is going to end up parked most of the time, if I'm at work and coming home at the right time maybe I'll want to pick up Brooklynn, that kind of thing, so I should have a suitable vehicle."

"Wow, sacrificing your Jeep? You could keep it if you really want to."

"I know, it's just I need to make some choices, we have a load of vehicles in the garage, but not child friendly. Some of them I don't want to give up, so I have to sacrifice something, it's ridiculous to have this many vehicles sitting around." As Millicent can no longer drive, she transferred ownership of all but a couple vehicles to John and I. So we really do have an amazing selection of cars, just nothing to haul around babies in car seats.

"No kidding, how much are they all worth, like a million dollars?"

"Easily worth that, maybe a bit more actually, that Italian sports car alone is worth a bundle, not to mention all the antiques, the two Jags, the Bentley, they are worth a lot in the condition they are in. I think I might pull a couple off the lifts and get the insurance updated on them, so we can drive them once in a while, like when we go out just the two of us. It's a shame to see the sports cars on lifts, nobody has driven them since my grandfather died."

"We will have to take them out for a spin then. Do I get to drive them?"

"We'll see, can you drive a stick shift?" I nod. "Then the Porsche, no problem, the Maserati, well that is a very powerful car so maybe after we see how it goes in the Porsche, and once you get used to driving a performance car, then sure. I don't have a problem with you driving any of the cars, aside from maybe the Jags, they aren't reliable. I'll have Alger get them down and I'll take them in for service before we drive them. Anyway, the jeep might have to go, but I can console myself with one of the other 20 or so cars in the garage." I have to laugh at this, kind of silly really to be concerned about him selling the jeep when he puts it that way.

We move to the couch and I lean back against him as we go through the brochures and make some decisions on what we want. The rest of the afternoon we spend test driving, which is fun, because John lets me drive all of them. After a bit of negotiation, he works out a trade on his Jeep and we buy a new SUV with all the conveniences and proper seating configuration. Then he takes me out for dinner at Dominics.

"You know after the babies are born, we are going to have to make sure we have nights for just us, having 3 kids and demanding jobs can kind of take its toll on a relationship. We've both seen it happen, even when one child is involved." We are sharing a fabulous chocolate mousse, dinner has been light and fun, but John is suddenly quite serious.

I meet his eyes, I am thinking about Mark, and I feel a bit sad. He had challenges with both of his marriages, and I certainly don't want that with John. But also, I just miss my good friend. I shake it off, and bring my focus back to the conversation at hand.

"True, but we have the resources to make sure we get romantic time away. We manage pretty well with Brooklynn, but adding in twin babies…that's another challenge." Our love life is still vibrant, but we haven't gone through the whole baby thing. When we got back together, our daughter was already 4 years, babies are a whole different dynamic. They are demanding of time and energy, and have destroyed the romance in more than one marriage.

"Louisa is staying on, and we have a house full of staff, so, we will make it happen. We need to make it happen."

"Tiffany was saying something like that before we went on the trip, that she and Jim have been together for 6 years now, and that they have to make time to go out, keep connected. Neither of them have the demanding jobs we do, with the shift work, and they are just having their first child, so it will be especially important that we don't let the romantic side go. I love that part of _us,_ the physical relationship has always been great and I don't want to let that go. We can't let it go, remember how hard it was that month we didn't have the time to be together, to connect?"

"How could I forget, it almost ended us. I don't want to go there again, we both have to be aware and make the time. I think Tiffany can be pretty wise, she is a very intelligent woman."

"You know, you should thank her for all the sexy stuff on the trip, she instigated the trip to the lingerie store."

John laughs. "Yeah, I kind of figured that out, you rarely have that kind of stuff, not since we've been together anyway. _You_ are a shirt stealer, since day one. Which is fine, I think you look sexy in my shirts, but I appreciate the little bits of lace and silk too"

"Well, I was a starving resident and that stuff is crazy expensive. I'm glad you liked it because I used your credit card to buy it."

"No, you used _your_ credit card to buy it. Anyway, we're married, so what's yours is mine, what's mine is yours, right?"

It kind of hits me right then. John is a multi-millionaire, and I have never signed anything, no pre-nuptial legal agreement, nothing. He has added me on to a lot of his accounts and the titles of most of his assets. In reality, that means I am entitled to half of everything he owns, but he knows that and probably thought about it before he married me. I give a little almost nervous laugh. "Holy crap, during all of this I really haven't thought much about it, didn't your family freak out about you marrying someone without protecting your assets? Didn't you even think that you should?"

"What, have you sign a pre-nup, limit what you could walk away with? That kind of thing?"

"Well, yeah, I mean, you have a lot of money, John."

"Honestly? If I was even thinking of marrying a woman that I felt I needed to protect my assets from, then I figured maybe I shouldn't be marrying them at all. That is not the kind of marriage I ever wanted, I have always wanted an equal partner, not some kind of power struggle over money and who's in charge because they hold all the cards. I have told you many times, money isn't everything. If I lost every penny tomorrow, but I still had you, our family, it would be okay, we would manage, and survive. Without someone to share it with, the privileged life is pretty empty. Look at my parents, they have everything they could ever want, except love, and a real family. Sure, they had kids, but we were never a family, not really."

It hits me how truly unique this guy is, most rich and powerful people spend a lot of their time worrying and protecting their money. John just doesn't seem to place that high a value on it. "It took me a long time to understand, but I get it, I really think I get what you are saying. Still, I would have thought your family would have been on you about legal agreements."

"My dad was, but my grandmother? No way, her viewpoint is very different than his. First of all, she likes you, and doesn't see you that way. My grandfather's family was very rich, she married into it, just like you did. She always appreciated that my grandfather shared everything, they loved and trusted each other, they never fought over money, and they had such a happy life together. Sure, there were challenges and sad times to get through, but they never kept secrets, and neither of them held the power, they were partners, they discussed everything, they made all the decisions together. The whole pre-nup thing became a big deal in the legal world long after they married, it seems a foreign idea to her, that you would ever deny anything to the person you love, the person you have vowed to be a life partner with. My dad doesn't get it, he thinks I'm crazy to openly share everything I have, after all, you could walk away with literally millions of dollars if you decided you were done with us. Me? Well I want to have the kind of marriage my grandparents had, not what my parents had, and it's just money. And at the end of the day, you are the mother of my children, and if it was ever over for us, I would just give it to you anyway, no legal fight required."

I meet his eyes. "You're right, no legal fight. You have always been more than generous, I know you will always make sure your children are taken care of, and I wouldn't ask for or want that much money. It sounds like your grandparents had a great life together, I hope we can have a life like that, be married for 50 or 60 years, see our grandchildren born, maybe some great grandchildren. It takes work, we have already had to work on our relationship, but it is so worth it, because I love you so much."

"I love you too, and I can't imagine a day when I won't love you. 50 or 60 years? Sounds good to me – you know they were one year short of 60 years when my grandfather died? Of course they got married much younger than we did, but we can give it a try." He reaches over and takes my hands in his. "So, want to stay in town tonight? Have our first date night away?"

A night in town, with my husband, in some ritzy hotel? I'm all in. Hell, I'd be all in if he wanted to go to the closest motel. "Absolutely."

John pays the bill, then he takes me to the Langham, a very upscale hotel and checks us into one of their premium suites with a view of the river. I don't even want to know how much the suite is, I know this is one of the fanciest places in town. The room is gorgeous, luxurious, and we take advantage of it. We share a relaxing bath in the huge tub, then make love in the king sized bed.

"I'm hungry." I am resting my head on his chest, he is holding my left hand, idly twirling my rings, which he seems to do often. I wonder why.

He glances down at me with an amused smile. He knows I have to eat several times a day now, small meals every few hours. "We can get some room service, I don't want to get dressed to go anywhere."

"Yes. I am not getting all dressed again either." John gets up and returns with the menu, then we look at it propped up on pillows in the huge bed. We choose some appetizer items to share and he orders me some tea as well. It arrives quickly, and we lounge in the sitting area, feeding each other bites from the various plates.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure?"

"You like to play with my rings, why is that?"

"Do I?" He sounds surprised. "Well, I guess I do play with them, now that you mention it. I love how they look on you, it's just comforting or something, I don't know really." He shrugs. "Does it bother you? I can stop."

"No, I kind of like it, I was just not sure why you did it. I'm so used to wearing them now, I don't think about it as much as I did at first, but they are beautiful rings, John. I'm a little curious, how much are they worth?"

"Ummmm, a lot actually. Not sure you want to know."

"That much? So over $50,000?"

He gives a little laugh. "Yes, over $50,000."

"How much over?"

"You're sure you want to know. I don't want to change how you feel about wearing them."

I sit up and look at him. "Okay, now you really have to tell me. Come on, they are my rings, you have to tell me sometime."

"Do I? Okay, I'll tell you, but you still have to wear them."

"Don't be silly, I'm not going to stop wearing my rings. Tell me. Just tell me, no secrets right?"

"The wedding band is made up of high grade diamonds in platinum, it is over $80,000. The solitaire is an internally flawless D coloured platinum set oval, worth at least…." He stops and I give him a look, he sighs then says. "$450,000. Maybe more."

"What?" I almost think I heard that wrong. My rings are worth over half a million dollars? I am wearing enough jewellery on one finger to buy a very nice house in Chicago.

"You heard me, Susan."

"So, my engagement and wedding rings are worth over $500,000, maybe more? You are not serious."

"See, now you're freaking out. That is why I didn't tell you. My great grandfather purchased that ring a long time ago, it has appreciated in value because an internally flawless natural diamond of that size and quality is rare, hard to find now. It was appraised for insurance a couple years ago at $450,000, but it might be worth more than that now."

"No wonder you told me I still had to wear them. I could retire the debt of a third world country. How much is this one?" I hold up my diamond and sapphire one.

"About $10,000. I didn't have that one made, it has about the same carat weight as the wedding band, the diamonds are good, but not as good as the wedding band."

"It's still a beautiful ring though. So my wedding band, you had that made?"

"Yes, I wanted the diamond quality to match the engagement ring as closely as possible, so I had to special order it. Worth it though, it looks great. They are nice pieces, meant to be worn, not kept in a safe. You've been wearing them for months, so don't change that just because you know the market value." He sighs, then takes my hands. "The engagement ring has more than monetary value, it stayed on my great grandmother's hand through a long and happy marriage, they were married over 60 years, and I hope it will stay on yours for that 50 or 60 years we are hoping for. The wedding band is an eternity band, never ending….well maybe you get the picture."

"What were you going to say?" I kind of feel like he had more he wanted to add, but he stopped. This is all bothering him, more than he'll admit, maybe he really is worried I won't wear the rings now that I know how valuable they are, but nothing is further from the truth.

John just shakes his head.

"I won't stop wearing them, John, you would have to pry these rings off my fingers, and they mean a lot, because they're from you. I do get it, you told me when you gave me the engagement ring, that you hoped it would bring us the same happiness, and the wedding band – eternity, I'll love you forever too." I wrap my arms around him, leaning into him, and I feel his arms go around me, pulling me into his warm embrace.

"I love you too, forever." He releases me slightly and uses a hand to brush the hair back from my face slightly, holding it against my cheek before giving me an incredible warm kiss. "I'm glad you understand, it's not about how much they are worth in dollars, it's about the meaning and significance of them in our relationship, that's why I hesitated to tell you. The engagement ring, I could have spent that much in a store, but I wanted you to have the one that's been our family for decades, because you are my family now. I want you to wear them always."

Ah, I will never get tired of the romantic side of this man, no wonder I love him so much, he cares, and he is not afraid to show it.

I wake up with the sun streaming into our suite, warm and comfortably cuddled up to John. Last night was fantastic, a good start to our planned date nights. We have decided that we should try to do this at least one more time before the babies are born.

"Good morning, beautiful." He gives me a squeeze.

"Morning." I stretch, then prop myself up so I can give him a kiss.

"Mmmmm nice. I love waking up like this."

"Me too, kind of reminds me of the Caribbean, our mini honeymoon." I have to kiss him again. "Last night was great, thank you."

"No, thank you, I enjoyed every minute of last night. We really do need to work these date nights into our schedules."

"We will. What are we going to do today?"

He is off work again today, so we don't rush, we shower, have a leisurely breakfast downstairs, and take a long walk along the lake shore, the leaves are changing colour and it is a glorious fall day. John buys me lunch and later on ice cream, then we tour the Art Institute until it is time for school to let out. We called Louisa, and arranged to pick up Brooklynn today, since we didn't see her last night.

"Mommy! Daddy!" She is so excited to see us, John scoops her up and gives her a huge squeeze, then lets her down. She gives me a gentle hug, ever careful of my growing belly.

We take her for some playtime in a nearby park, John chases her around, and she giggle uncontrollably, having a great time. I join in as much as possible, but I just don't move that fast these days. We finally head home for dinner, then John helps Brooklynn with her little bit of homework, they do some reading while I take a relaxing bath.

The next few weeks go by all too quickly, next thing I know I am coming up on 34 weeks, and I really am huge. No cute little basketball belly for me. I constantly have to pee, I have to graze to get enough to eat, as the babies are taking up so much room, and I am tired easily. I start to get a bit of shopping done for Christmas, I am due in December and I have no idea if I will have time later. I continue to get out with the girls for tea and socializing, spend as much time as I can with Brooklynn when she is not at school.

John has been incredibly busy with work, but true to his word, he is keeping his work hours under control. He is sometimes later coming home, but I understand as he is being pulled into surgery daily, and they can't leave until the patient is stable in recovery. He has also covered a few shifts for Rachel in the ER, we still owe her a few from the Caribbean, so John never says no if he is available. She has been a bit more elusive lately, John thinks that things are not going well at home for her, so I have tried to get her out a bit more, but she seems to be avoiding it. I figure she will talk when she is ready.

I know I only have a couple weeks, and these babies will be coming out, Janet is pleased that we have gotten to 34 weeks, she has been making me visit her every few days. I have undergone a few tests, a non stress test has been an important one to make sure the babies are doing okay, along with a couple others to make sure they are both responsive and still growing. I have been having mild Braxton Hicks contractions, but otherwise I feel surprisingly good.

"Well, let's hope for another two weeks. Things are starting to change, there are some signs your body is preparing for labour, so make sure everything is done at home and you are ready to come in as soon as labour gets underway. With twins, I would like you to be here sooner rather than later, and this is your second birth, so it could go quickly once it starts. Is there someone at home who can drive you in if John isn't home?"

"Yes, we have a few people lined up, we are out at his grandmother's house, so she has staff, a driver, we have a nanny, and a couple friends who don't live too far away that will help if they can. Though, one of the couples is expecting a baby as well, she is about 4 weeks ahead, and due any minute."

Tiffany still has not had her baby, and she is now 38 weeks. Her doctor has not seen any signs that it is going to be anytime soon either, though you never know. With me having twins, we are going to be having our babies really close together, if she hangs on for the next weeks, and it is unlikely I will go past 36 or 37 weeks. I know taking the extra time off work and taking it easy has made a huge difference, though, I have been taking extra good care these past few weeks, and John has been fabulous as usual.

Brooklynn is really excited and we have been enlisting her to help pick out some names. Without know the sex of the babies, we have to pick out two girl names we love, and two boy names. John and I sat down and each made our separate lists, then we started to compare. I put on one choice as John Truman IV and John just laughed. "No way in hell, Susan, I am not going to do that. If someone wants to pick it up later on down the road, fine but how long does it go on? If we are going to use a name in the family, I'd like to use Chase as a middle name, I was really close to him, and I miss him."

Chase had passed away not long ago, the damage from the overdose was severe, and despite therapy and great care, he faded away, the strain on his damaged heart too much. This was hard on John, the whole situation with Chase was difficult, and I know they were very close when they were kids.

"I guess we won't be using my family names, I can't imagine calling our baby Cookie."

"What's her middle name?"

"You don't want to know, and we are not inflicting that on our child. And Henry, just….no way, and his middle name is Eugene."

John shakes his head. "Nope, not chance. Just like I love my grandmother, but I'm not using Millicent. My grandfather, dad and I all have the same names, and I have already voted that out."

"What's your grandmother's middle name?"

"Noelle." John looked at me. "Hmmmm, I kind of like that, maybe a middle name for a little girl?"

I nod. "I was thinking the same thing, that's pretty, or we could use Elizabeth. It goes well with a lot of the names we discussed."

"No way, that's my mother's middle name, she's Eleanor Elizabeth, and it doesn't make the cut. I would never name my child after her, or even let her think that was the case." I can see his point, he has not heard from his mother since she left after last Christmas. The divorce is still pending between his parents, apparently there is a lot of animosity in the proceedings.

"Okay, Michael, I like that."

"No, can't, Deb's baby ended up as Michael Alexander, and it is already tough enough for her, off the table."

"Oh, didn't know you knew his name."

"Yes, I was in the room when the adoptive parents took him and named him. And Deb shows me pictures all the time, he's adorable, and she misses him like crazy."

In the room? Okay, another thing I didn't know about him.

"James?"

"No, Jim?"

"Right, so no to Ryan, Jordan, Tate, and a few others. Wow this is hard. What was Bobby's middle name?"

"Joseph. He was name Robert Joseph after grandpa Ferguson."

"So no then, right?"

"That we could put onto the list, but only one of the names as a middle name, not together."

"Katherine?"

"Overused.'

It went on like this for a while until we found 3 boy names and 3 girl names we liked, and we let Brooklynn help suggest a few names, one of which we loved and we put on the list. Naming Brooklynn was hard enough, and I got to choose it by myself, this time we have to name two, and I have no idea if we are having boys or girls or one of each. And both John and I need to be happy with the names.

All I know is that they are fraternal twins, not identical, and the statistics show the boy/girl combination is most common at about 50% of twins being one of each. I hope John gets a son, I would love it if we had at least one boy. I doubt we will be having any more babies after this. By the time we would be ready again, I will be over 35, though John is about 4 years younger, it's my age that counts, and I will have given him 3 children, so….I call it done.

John and I are now just in waiting mode now, Janet thinks it is coming soon, really soon, so John has worked out something with Abby, Peter and Dr. Rosen in case he needs to bail quickly from work.

Tiffany has finally progressed a bit too, so they are expecting to be in the hospital anytime, though they are going to a different hospital, closer to home, while we opted for Northwestern, since we work there and we know Janet so well from County.

November 25th we get a call that Tiffany has gone to the hospital and is in labour. I am quite excited for her, and Jim. Finally on November 26th we get the call, their son Riley James Davis has arrived, 8lbs 2 oz and everyone is doing fine. I so want to go see her, but I am kind of house bound right now, my belly is huge and I am tired easily so I settle for a phone call for now, with apologies. John will drop by and see them, though, so I am satisfied with that for now.


	33. Chapter 33

I wake up a few nights later feeling not so great. My stomach is aching, so I waddle into the bathroom, and suddenly I am standing in a puddle. I realize that the aching was probably a contraction.

"John!" I yell from the bathroom "I need you, right now!" I try to mop up the puddle. "John! Get out of bed. Carter!" I resort to what everyone calls him at work, that might get through to him. "Carter! Get your butt in here, now!"

John stumbles through in the doorway, looking confused and muddled while he rubs his eyes, dragged out of sleep by my insistent voice. "What? What's wrong?" His eyes take in my soaked pajamas and then drop to the puddle of fluid around my feet. "Did your water break? It's time?" He is suddenly wide awake, snapped into reality by me standing there.

"Yes, I need..."

"Some clothes, right, give me a second and I'll grab you something dry to wear. You probably have time for a quick shower if you want, you look really uncomfortable."

"Yeah, well it's like I peed myself, and I'm having contractions, so no kidding I'm uncomfortable." I snap at him. I turn on the water and let it run over me as a contraction hits. John notices and looks at his watch, then drops some paper towels on the floor and mops up as best he can before he wraps me in a fluffy towel. He gets me back out to the bedroom and helps me dress, it is so great at this moment to be married to someone who is not in the least bit squeamish and who knows how to help. He instinctively checks his watch at the start of every contraction.

He picks up the bag I have packed and ready, and takes me downstairs. We have to stop partway down as a contraction hits, I forgot this part, and I know it is only going to get worse. He sits me down for a minute, then dashes back up the stairs, disappearing to the left. He is back within a couple minutes.

"I let Gamma know we're leaving so she can take care of Brooklynn." He escorts me to the car, stopping to let me lean on him as I have another contraction. He glances at his watch quickly, then dials another number while I try to get comfortable.

"Janet, its John Carter. Sorry for the 2 am wakeup call, but Susan's water broke and we are on the way to the hospital." He glances over at me as I grab his hand, another contraction hitting me. He looks at his watch. "About every 5 minutes. 30 minutes and we should be there."

He clicks his phone off and he pulls out of the garage, he is so damn calm, it's crazy. I have another contraction and he looks at his watch again. "Wow, down to 3 minutes? You're moving fast."

"I know, and it hurts, so get me to the damn hospital, before I pop these babies out on the front seat."

He reaches over and squeezes my hand. "I'll drive as fast as I can, just try and breathe. So you just woke up and went into the bathroom and you're water broke?"

"Easy for you to say, you don't have two babies trying to get out of you." Another contraction his me and he looks at his watch. "Oh, that hurts."

"Breathe Susan."

"I know, I get it, but it's not helping, it hurts John." I double over with another contraction.

"Damn those are getting close together. This is progressing really quickly." He is concentrating on the road, and driving fairly fast, he doesn't want to be calling 911 from the car phone. It doesn't help that the roads are slippery and there is a light snow falling. Thanks goodness we have an SUV, and the traffic is light at this time of the morning.

"I was sleeping fine, then I woke up with my stomach aching, went into the bathroom, and suddenly there was a puddle. And a contraction. I woke you up right away. Oh, John, another one." I try to breathe as the muscles in my belly clamp down again.

We finally pull into the doctor's lot and John helps me out and I waddle across to the elevators, he has my bag and he is holding my hand. We step in and he hits the number for the Labour and Delivery floor, as another contraction hits. He rubs my back and lets me squeeze his hand, he puts the right amount of pressure on just the perfect spot, and it helps make it hurt a bit less. We stop at the desk, and it is a nurse we know, John tells her how close the contractions are, so she immediately pulls up my records and has us escorted to a private labour suite. John helps me get into a gown and helps me through another couple of contractions.

A nurse we don't recognize comes in and looks at my chart.

"It's like rush hour in here, and there was a huge accident on the expressway. Janet called and she is caught behind it, we are a bit short of obstetricians. I'll get a resident to come and check you." She goes about getting the monitors on.

I look at John in a bit of a panic, he can tell I'm freaked out. These babies are coming soon, and our doctor is not here? He sits beside me and takes my hand, looking directly into my eyes. "Susan, relax, breathe. I'm here, I'll make sure he doesn't mess up, I've delivered enough babies to advocate for you. I won't leave you. Okay?"

I take a couple deep breaths and nod. "I know, I know, chances are it will all be okay, but twin deliveries can go so wrong."

"But you've been so healthy, the babies are in good shape, look at the monitors, the heartbeats are perfect. You've had a baby before, it will be fine." His voice is calm, soothing, he rubs my back and holds my hand through another contraction.

When I can finally speak again, I squeeze his hand. "Don't leave my sight, these babies are coming, soon."

"I know, I won't leave you, I promise. I'll be here for every second, you're doing great."

The resident appears, and he seems a bit nervous, which makes me nervous. He checks my dilation and states I'm already at 7, my labour is moving quickly. The resident spouts off a few things that make both John and I frown. John asks him what year he is, and he says 1st, so John says we want a senior resident to come in and visit.

"No one else is available, but everything looks fine."

John levels his gaze at him. "You know that we are both Attending Physicians in the ER, right? You seem unsure of what you are doing, if you are in any doubt as to what is going on, tell me right now. Don't even try to BS me, I've delivered more babies than you have."

The resident, Brian, seems a little taken aback at how direct John is, and he stutters. "I'm not sure, but we are seriously short staffed, it got really busy and the head of the department Janet got caught in that big accident. The other two are in crash C-sections, and the senior resident is delivering a set of twins. I'm all there is for now."

"Then you need to drag someone in here, she is having twins, so it might not be that straight forward. So, go find someone, now!"

As soon as the resident leaves, John looks at me and takes both my hands. "You're not going to like this, but…I think I need to double check your progress. If he's not back in two minutes with someone who knows what they're doing, then…I'll be taking over. Let's see if Cleo is working, she's done a lot of pediatrics, maybe we can get her to assist."

A couple minutes later, the nurse comes back. "I'm Shirley, your delivery nurse. I'm going to hang in here with you." John has coached me through at least two contractions in this time, and I know these babies are coming soon. "Sounds like we have an issue?"

"Yes, Brian seems a bit unsure of what he is doing, so, I want another doctor in here. I could do it, but I'd rather not."

My contractions are coming fast now, John talks me through another one, keeping me calm.

Shirley looks at John and then our chart. "Oh, Dr. Lewis and Dr. Carter, you work here, don't you? Okay, I've done OB for years, so let me do a check on your progress. Dr. Coburn is still stuck in traffic, we have no other doctors available."

"Is Dr. Finch on duty?"

Things are a bit hazy, for a few moments as I battle through another one. John is still keeping dead calm, he is all efficiency, and I know he will be here for me, no matter what. This calms me down considerably.

"No, she's at a conference. We really are short today." The nurse does a check and looks at the notes on the chart. "Ah, I see your concern, he is way off, but he is the best we have at the moment."

John looks at me and I sigh and nod. I didn't want to have my husband down there delivering my babies, I wanted him holding my hand and supporting me. For once he needs to be just the family member of the patient, not the doctor. But, I trust him and I don't trust Brian, so, I am going to just let him do this. After all, he has seen it all before, and he has delivered more babies than Brian, no question.

He grab some gloves and does his own check, Shirley stares at him as he tells me the news on my progress. "I'm an Attending in the ER, I know what I'm doing. Not optimal, but I have a lot more experience that the resident, so I am going to make sure nothing goes wrong here." We both have seen things go bad, I have a flashback to a delivery Mark did, where things started to go wrong and the mother ended up dying because no one came down from OB. Mark missed something serious, and it had serious consequences. Carter was there too, he was in his first year in the ER, he has seen how badly wrong things can go. "Can you get me an ultrasound? And do we have a team for the babies somewhere not too far away? She's really close."

The nurse nods, then disappears, coming back with a machine and John sets me up with gel and looks carefully at the images. He turns the screen for me to see as well. "It all looks good, Susan, everything is as it should be, they are both head down, you are 9 and fully effaced, the first one is engaged, so it won't be long. I don't see any problems with the cords either."

Shirley has embraced the situation and she is now just busying herself about the room, getting everything ready for the impending delivery. She has paged for an Obstetrician, and checked to see Janet's ETA, but no one has arrived, so John is just proceeding.

Brian hovers in the doorway looking really unsure if he should come in. John looks over at him, then helps me through another contraction.

"Brian, get in here. Even if you can't handle this situation, you need to pay attention, and watch this. I'm in charge, you do what I say, when I say. Can you do that?"

Brian nods. "But won't I get in trouble, if I let you deliver?"

"No, I work in this hospital, I'm an Attending, and I've done this before, you clearly have not. These are my babies, this is not a teaching case, we are delivering twins here. So, get us two baby warmers, a team for the babies and move it. Shirley is going to stay and help me." John puts on a gown and fresh gloves.

Ohhh, another one. John reaches up and takes my hand. "Breathe, breathe, and look at me." He says this as it ends and I take a couple deep breaths and look at him. "Focus, it's going great, you are doing great, the babies are both fine." He takes a look "And you're crowning, so next one you are going to push."

Shirley comes up beside me and supports me to sit up a bit, and I am hit with another contraction. "Push, Susan." John starts to count down from 10. "Okay, stop, hold on for a minute. Okay, next one, push Susan." He is counting down. "Stop for just a second. Okay one more push." Suddenly I hear a cry, our first baby is out.

"John, is the baby okay?" I am anxious, even though the delivery went smoothly, even easily compared to having Brooklynn.

"She's perfect, Susan, absolutely beautiful." He holds her so I can see her, and Shirley lays a blanket on my chest.

"We have another daughter. Oh look she is so perfect." John puts her on my chest so I can see her, Shirley is helping support her. After both of us viewing our new daughter for a minute, Shirley expertly wrapss the blanket around her as John locates some clamps, then takes care of cutting the umbilical cord and has me do a small push to deliver the placenta. Suddenly I am aware of more people in the room, and Shirley hands off our daughter so they can check her over, and clean her up a bit.

"John. Is everything okay?" I hear a soft and familiar voice.

"Thanks Abby, it's going fine. Did they call you in?"

"No I was upstairs, heard they were short down here and some doctor was delivering his own twins. Thought I better come check it out, and sure enough, here you are. I'll check the baby for you, the other pediatric team is tied up in another room."

"Thanks Abby that would be great."

I see her at the baby warmer, helping a nurse assess our daughter. John snaps off his glove, gives my hand a reassuring squeeze and steps away for a moment to check things out.

"How is she?" I ask.

"She is so perfect, her breathing is good, strong heartbeat. She is just mature enough to avoid NICU, they might keep you both here for a day or two, but she looks great." Abby smiles over at me. "I'll stay until the next one is out, in case John needs some help, and so I can check the baby out for you. They are very short of doctors on this floor due to that accident."

I know I have a very short breather, Shirley gives me a couple ice chips to wet my mouth. Sure enough, within a very short time the contractions start up again full force. John has Shirley remove one of the monitors and readjust things while he holds my hand through a few more. Brian is hovering again, and watching, looking kind of freaked out, but John stays calm and starts to talk, telling Brian what he is doing. This seems to calm Brian down, a lot, and he starts to look interested rather than scared. It is an education for him, that is for sure, seeing a doctor coach and deliver.

Abby is taking care of the first baby still, our daughter. It feels weird to have her here, but on the other hand, she knows pediatrics. She is a knowledgeable surgeon too, so if something goes wrong with the next baby, she is good to have in our corner.

John is still not relinquishing control, though, he is not going to let anyone other than an Obstetrician replace him, there is too much at stake. Finally, John is telling me I am crowning again, and walks me through, counting down for me. This time the baby doesn't cry right away, but John does a quick suction and then the amazing sound of another strong cry. "He's perfect too. We have a son."

I want to cry, we have a baby boy? Shirley repeats the procedure with the blanket, John lets me have the baby on my chest for a minute, clamps and cuts, then lets Abby take our little boy to give him an exam. John just gets the placenta delivered when Janet rushes into the room.

"I think I missed the party! John, you've been busy. Abby, surprised to see you here."

"Yes, we have one of each, a girl and a boy, but of course, you already knew that. It went great, no complications, Susan was terrific." He runs it down for Janet efficiently.

Janet pats John on the shoulder. "I'll finish, you did great, dad." John lets Janet take control of the room, and he strips off the gloves and gown, then comes up to give me a kiss, as Janet does a quick check and examines the placentas.

"You did really well, they are so beautiful."

"Thank you." I whisper to him and pull him in for a hug. "Thank you for making beautiful babies with me, and thank you for taking control today. I was going to freak out, but you saved me, thank you for being here. I love you."

"I love you, I wouldn't have been anywhere but here for this." He gives me a warm kiss, then we are being handed our babies, all cleaned up, and swaddled with cute little hats on their heads.

"They are both doing great, I'll leave you to get acquainted with your children, but page me if you need and I'll come right down. Congratulations, you were both amazing." Abby gives a quick wave and disappears out the door.

Janet glances over as she leaves. "How did you manage to get Keaton?"

"I've been working with her in pedes, she heard I was delivering our twins and came down to make sure everything was okay. She knew this floor was short staff today."

"Well, that's service, she's pretty great, isn't she? You worked with her at County too, didn't you?"

John glances at me. "Yes, I did a pedes rotation as Benton's student."

Janet is all done now as well. "Okay, they will give you a couple minutes, then take you upstairs. Great job, both of you, these are the healthiest twins I've seen for a while."

They truly are amazing, their sweet little faces, deep brown eyes open and staring at us. John sits with one arm around me and our daughter held in his other while I cuddle our son. I gaze at them in wonderment, my new son and daughter. They let us have a few minutes, then they are ready to move me into another room, opening up the delivery suite for another birth. It is a busy day apparently.

They set us up with a phone, and another nurse, Brandi, comes in to do the post birth checkup, then helps me get set up to breast feed. It is now about 7 am in the morning, labour was quick, last time I laboured for over 12 hours, this time it was barely 5 hours. John cuddles our little girl while I feed our son, then we switch off, so she can have her turn. At about 8 am, I am ready to close my eyes for a nap, John picks up the phone to make a few calls.

He calls Peter and asks him to let everyone in the ER know about the babies. Then he calls Millicent, to tell her we have a boy and a girl, and she should have Alger bring her and Brooklynn in when visiting hours start. He makes a few other calls, one to his dad, then of course he calls Jim, who tells him Tiffany is home and doing great with their new son. He calls Jing-Mei and Abby, who are both thrilled and say they will stop by when they can. I drift off and I get a couple hours sleep, when I wake up, John is still there, but several large and gorgeous bouquets have arrived, along with some gifts for the babies.

"Gamma is on her way with Brooklynn to meet the new babies." He has one in each arm as he sits in the rocking chair, cuddling them against his chest.

"I think daddy needs to share, bring me one of those babies." I smile at him, and he stands carefully and comes over to sit on the side of the bed. I reach up and take the closest baby, which turn out to be our new daughter. He holds our son so I can see his precious sleeping face.

"So, we should think about names." John is rocking our son gently.

"I guess we should. So we have three options for each, which one suits these little people best." We gaze at the little babies in our arms, but we are interrupted before we can even think much about it.

"How is the Carter family?" Peter Benton is in the doorway, holding two cute little teddy bears. He comes in and peers down them, then hands one bear to each of us. He holds out his arms and John puts our son into them, Peter smiles down at him.

"Thank you, those are really cute bears. We're good, it went well."

"I heard you did the delivery yourself, Carter, Coburn is very impressed with you."

"Well, they were a bit shorthanded up here, so, yes, I delivered both of them, Janet arrived in time to finish up."

"They're beautiful, picked out names yet?"

"No, just thinking about it, actually. I am sure you went through it when you named Reese."

"Oh boy, did I, it took days to name him, but finally we just decided and it suits him."

Peter stays and chats for a few minutes, then he takes his leave just as Millicent and Brooklynn arrive. After that it seems to be a steady stream of people, with all sorts of little gifts. Then a gift arrives from the ER at County, which ends up being a card showing a picture of two bassinets, one pink and one blue, which are going to be delivered directly to the house, so I know they waited to find out what we had. We are both really touched that the staff at County thought of us.

Abby Keaton shows up again at some point during the day, it is starting to be a blur. "Came to check my patients." She comes over and John lets her take our son from his arms. "He is beautiful." She takes him and unwraps him, checking his heart and listening to his breathing for a few moments, and doing a very quick but thorough exam. "I don't hear anything that concerns me, he is perfectly healthy." She wraps him up in his blanket.

She hands our son back and asks if she can hold our daughter as well. "Susan, you did a great job, they are so sweet. I love to visit healthy babies, I don't get to do that enough." She does the same exam for our baby girl, then she returns our daughter, patting John on the shoulder. "Take a few days, John, I'll be here long enough we can fit in some extra days for you at the end of the rotation. You need to be home with your family."

"Thanks Abby, I'll call you in a couple days."

She nods and disappears.

Finally it quiets down and I am ready for some rest again, it has been an exciting day. We get back to our naming dilemma, and decide to sleep on it. I think I know what I am leaning towards, but a few hours of sleep will give me a clear head.

I am in overnight so they can make sure everything is good with me and the babies, and if all is well in the morning, they will let me go home. Both babies are in terrific health, so they don't need any NICU time.

John goes home for a few hours' sleep, but is back first thing in the morning to check in on me and our babies. He has our brand new car seats and some clothes for the babies all picked out in case we get to go home. Abby has come down already and checked the babies over for discharge and Janet gives me an exam then proclaims I am good to leave as well. Thank goodness, I can't wait to sleep in our bed at home, the hospital is not a great place to get a good night's sleep, as someone is always coming in to check something.

We have to name the twins before we leave, so we both name our top pick then John fills out the forms while holding our son who is now named Aiden Chase Carter. I have our daughter in my arms. "Welcome to the family, Hailey Noelle Carter."

There is a lot of excitement when we arrive home with Hailey and Aiden, Corinne, Millicent and Louisa meet us at the door and the babies are whisked off and fussed over by the entire household staff. Alger goes out to help John bring in the myriad of gifts and flowers, then we take our new son and daughter up to our room so I can feed them. The bassinets are set up in our bedroom, and the one crib we had put in our room originally is magically now in the nursery. The two comfortable chairs that will eventually go in the nursery are set up as well, so I can feed and John can rock one of the babies.

We retreat to our room, and I enjoy the blissful comfort and silence while I feed my two precious children. John takes care of changing, and brings me up a large glass of water while I nurse each baby in turn. He rocks our daughter as I feed our son, then tucks them both into one of the bassinets. They are so small, not quite 7 lbs each and used to being together, so they will share a bed for the first couple of weeks. We stand for a few minutes, his arms around me as I lean back into his chest, watching them sleep.

"You did a great job, they are so perfect, thank you for giving me two such beautiful babies." His arms tighten around me slightly. It has been a very busy and emotional couple of days, I can hear how affected he is in his voice.

"You're welcome, but I think you had something to do with it too. They are gorgeous, though, I couldn't be happier."


	34. Chapter 34

The first week home is blissful and perfect, I am in a cocoon, being pampered by everyone in the house. John is off work, Keaton has been very generous in letting him have the time to be home with us, and he helps with everything he can. He does the majority of the diaper changes, brings me the babies in bed to be fed in the middle of the night, and lets me nap whenever I need. Sometimes if the babies are sleeping, he will cuddle with me in the bed and get some extra rest too. He is the best husband in the world, and a great dad, he makes sure Brooklynn is not left out of anything, he gives extra attention to her, taking her riding, helping her with homework, and letting her help with the babies.

The laundry is magically done, fantastic meals are ready on demand and I feel almost like a princess. The number of gifts we have received is astounding, and we spend hours writing thank you cards. Our babies have enough books, toys, clothing and babies supplies to cover them for at least the first year, I am thankful we are living in a mansion, or we would not have nearly enough room for everything. We have asked for the first week that no one visit the house so we can get into a routine, then we are planning to start visiting or inviting people over to see the babies.

I am amazed when Abby Keaton comes for a visit, it is interesting that she does not seem at all surprised size and luxuriousness of the house. I know instinctively, she was already aware that John's family is extremely wealthy. She has a large gift basket in her arms, which she holds out to me, and I take it and set it on the hall table.

"Thank you Abby. I wasn't expecting you, did you need to see John?"

"I'll say hi if he is around, but I am here to do the first checkup on your babies. I thought since I was there for the birth, I would see them through for a few exams. A professional courtesy, so you don't have to haul them into the hospital, there are a lot of colds and the flu is going around. Best not to expose them if you don't have to, they are healthy but so little, they don't have a lot of tolerance yet. Didn't John mention I'd be by sometime today?"

"Wow, I didn't know anyone still made house calls. I think it must have slipped his mind, but they are upstairs, I think John was changing them." I lead her upstairs, John has both the babies in the nursery, Aiden is on a blanket on the floor, and he is changing Hailey.

"Oh, hi Abby." He doesn't sound that surprised, so he must have known she was coming.

"Hi John, looks like everyone is doing well? Is there somewhere I can wash my hands before I do the exam?" John points to the ensuite and she disappears for a few moments, then she sits down by Aiden, then does a quick check up on him. "He is doing really well, it appears. Both of them must be eating okay? No concerns?"

I nod. "They both are eating every few hours, everything else is good, I don't have any concerns. They sleep well, and when they are awake they seem alert and content most of the time."

"Let me take a look at Hailey." John has her diaper changed, but he doesn't put back on her sleeper, he just hands her to Abby. "You're a pretty girl, aren't you?" She does some checks, then dresses her in the sleeper John hands over. She is incredibly gentle and confident handling the two babies. "Development for both looks to be right on track. Next week we'll weigh them, but they both seem perfectly healthy."

After she leaves, I have to comment. "Looks like we have our own personal pediatrician." I try to keep my voice light.

"Yeah, I guess, though I don't expect too many house calls. I think she enjoys the fact that they are healthy babies, not the incredibly ill ones she usually sees, and she was there when they were born, she doesn't get to experience that part often. And she knows that she is not creating the expectation that she will be their doctor forever, we both know that is not what she does. We will have to find a regular pediatrician soon, the service won't continue forever. There is a lot of stuff going around right now, too, and if we don't have to expose you or the babies quite yet, it's a good thing. It will be bad enough when I go back to work."

"She really is quite nice though, she is suited perfectly to her job, isn't she."

"Yes, she's great with her patients, from babies up to the teenagers she deals with, it's good you have had a chance to meet her in person. I know that was a bit strange for you, to have her show up for the delivery, but she was the perfect person to check the babies."

"I'm surprised she doesn't have kids of her own. I wonder why."

John just shrugs and says nothing, but I can tell he knows more than he is letting on. Totally possible, who knows what Keaton would share with him now, or has shared with him in the past. If I understand correctly, they were seeing each other for a couple months, and spending a lot of time together, and even now she definitely has a comfort level with him that is a bit hard to take.

"You know why?"

"I don't know, but even if I did, you know I couldn't discuss it with you Susan. Her personal life is just that, personal. Let it go, okay, please?"

"Okay, you're right, not my business." I open the gift basket she brought, and it turns out to be quite a lot of little things for me, a new mom pampering kit, with a couple small things for each baby. "Wow, this is really nice, that was thoughtful of her. Everyone has sent so much for the babies, she brought _me_ a present." I look through, there are some high quality moisturizing creams, bath products, all sorts of things. I look over at John who is interacting with the babies. "She really is an interesting person, no hidden agenda, she's just…..kind of sweet really."

He laughs a little. "Yes, she's always been like that, she's a kind and generous woman, she doesn't hold grudges, and she's pretty open and honest. There never has been a hidden agenda, Susan, she's a colleague and a friend and she has taken an interest in the twins, because she attended them as their physician when they were born."

"But if they weren't your twins she may never have gotten involved to start with."

"Maybe not, but does it matter? I work closely with her, and she is extending a professional courtesy, like I said, I consider her a friend. If you are feeling it's out of bounds, then just tell me that, don't play games. You can't seem to just take it for what it is, is she taking too much of an interest for your liking? Does my working with her bother you, more than you are admitting?" John is picking up on my insecurities, he knows me too well. I can tell he is trying to keep his voice level, but he is a bit annoyed with me, probably thinking – oh here we go again with the crazy ex-girlfriend rant.

I sigh. "I don't know, John, I am trying really hard not to let it bother me, but I guess there are days when I see you with her and I get oddly jealous. She didn't seem at all surprised by the house either, so I have a feeling she's been here before and it bothered me a bit. There, I've admitted it. But on the other hand, I really like her, and I know there is nothing going on between you, I do trust you, John, and you should finish the rotation as planned. I just need to keep my own little insecurities in check, my hormones are a little out of balance too, which isn't helping. If the best pediatric surgeon in the country wants to assign herself as personal physician to our kids, fine, it would be silly to turn that down."

John comes over and pulls me into his arms. "Thank you, for being honest. No, she hasn't been to this house before, and you are still the only woman who has stayed with me here in our room. She has known for years that my family is wealthy, I never hid that from her. You don't need to worry, Susan, it is you I love, that I want to be with, that isn't going to change – 50 or 60 years, remember?" He takes my left hand and plays with my rings, kind of a reminder that I am wearing _his_ gifts to me, and what they mean. "I know the hormones can take charge for a while, but I love you, I love our family, I'm happy, _truly happy_ with what we have together, why would I ever mess with that." He leans down and gives me a kiss, one that takes my breath away, one full of love and passion, and I know I have nothing to worry about.

I wrap my arms around him and hug him tight. "Thank you, I needed that. I love you too."

The next day is busy, Millicent arranged for a baby photographer to visit as part of her gift, and we spend a couple hours having photos taken of all three kids. The same photographer had done some picture of me, by myself and with John while I was expecting, so I have some interesting and beautiful photos to add to the baby albums. I don't have anything like them from when Brooklynn was born, but we do include her in the photo shoot. When I see the proofs, I am overjoyed, now we have some extremely cute pictures of the three siblings together, as well as various pictures of the babies and Brooklynn with both me and John. We order a very large package including birth announcements, and we chose some photos to be professionally framed.

John has to go back to work too soon, but he won't be taking any extra shifts until after Christmas, so he can be home as much as possible. We know he has a bit of time to make up after his week off, but Abby has offered to add it on the end of the rotation. Our babies arrived on December 1, and the holiday season is in full swing, luckily most of my shopping is done, taken care of before the babies were born, and any little bits I forgot I have John taking care of. He is warm and supportive, even back to work he gets up and helps with the babies at all hours. I wonder how I managed without him the first time around.

We have Tiffany and Jim over for dinner one evening, so they have a chance to see our twins, and we get to meet Riley who is only a few days older. We include Angela and Ryan as well, so it ends up being a nice dinner party, and the babies get cuddled a lot. Alysha and Brooklynn have a great time too, they run around and Corinne ends up rounding them up into the kitchen to help with some baking. Millicent joins us for a while, then excuses herself off to bed.

The days go by and the twins are almost two weeks old. The whole world seems perfect, until suddenly, it isn't.

I am feeding Aiden, and Louisa is taking care of Hailey, when I hear voices, then suddenly John is in the doorway of our room, and not looking well at all. He should be at the hospital, in the middle of a 12 hour shift, so I am immediately concerned.

"John, what's wrong."

He looks at me for a long moment. "Louisa, could you give us a minute? Take Aiden too if you could?"

"Sure, John." She gives him a concerned look, takes both babies and John shuts the bedroom door.

"You're scaring me, John. What's wrong?" My voice is quivering and the dread creeps over me.

He comes over and kneels in front of me. "It's Susie, and Joe. They were involved in a very serious accident, in San Antonio."

The bottom drops out, I feel faint and nauseous. "Are they?" I can't get out the words.

"Susie had some injuries, they removed her spleen, but it sounds like she'll be okay. Joe is another story, he's in critical condition, in the ICU. They are not sure he is going to make it Susan. He listed you as his next of kin and emergency contact, but you obviously can't travel right now. So I'm on the next plane to Texas, and I'll do what I can. They called the hospital looking for you, and they put them through to me, I guess they didn't have the number here at the house for some reason."

"Oh, John, what if he's not okay, what will happen with Susie? Chloe is still missing."

"Don't worry about that, okay? You are her family, it sounds like there could be some instructions already for her care." He pulls me into his arms and I hug him tight.

"But Susie is really okay?"

"She's extubated and in recovery, they had to perform emergency surgery. She should be just fine, but I'll go see her and make sure. I'll phone you." He gives me a squeeze then stands. "I have to throw together a bag and Alger is going to take me to O'Hare. I have to go now, or I'll miss the flight, but I'll phone you as soon as I know something. Take care of the babies, and don't worry, okay?"

He goes into the walk in and I can hear him rustling through quickly, he comes out, grabs a few things from his dresser, and from the bathroom and he is ready in less than 5 minutes. He changes his clothes quickly as he has been on shift for hours, then he gives me another hug and kiss. I have barely moved, I am rooted to the spot, still in shock. "Hey, come downstairs, have some tea in the kitchen." He leads me downstairs and Corinne appears with Millicent and he gives them a quick rundown. They take over and lead me off as the door clicks shut behind John.

The hours tick by agonizingly slow. I have some tea and get fussed over by Millicent and Corinne, then spend some time feeding and cuddling the babies until Brooklynn arrives home from school. Brooklynn and I finish her homework, have some dinner, before the phone finally rings and I snatch it up.

"Hello"

"Susan, it's me. I'm at the hospital, Susie is fine, she's a little bruised and of course sore from the surgery, but she wants to talk to you."

"Okay, put her on."

I talk to Susie, she seems okay, happy that her uncle John is with her, that I can tell. She cries a bit, says she is scared because Joe won't wake up. My heart aches that I can't be there to hold her. John takes back the phone.

"She sounds scared, but I am glad you are with her. How is Joe?"

"Just a second." I can hear him say a few words to Susie, then he comes back on. "I needed to step into the hall. He's not good, he's in a coma, and his situation is still very critical. I don't think he is going to make it, Susan. His injuries were severe, I got the doctor to run it down for me, it's…..really bad."

"How bad."

John lists off his injuries. "He has you listed as next of kin, you might have a tough decision coming up. You might have to decide about keeping him on life support or letting him go." I feel ill, I know, chances are Susie is going to be losing the only parent left in her life. Joe doesn't have any immediate family, with Chloe missing this is going to fall to me - decisions about his life I'd rather not have to make.

"What about Susie."

"She's recovering well, so health wise she won't have long term effects. Social services is here, I am going to sit down and get next steps. I suggest we petition for guardianship of Susie for now, until we know what is going to happen with Joe. There is a slim chance he'll recover, but if he does, its unlikely he will ever be able to care for a child again. I'd like to bring her back to Chicago, but she can't travel for a few days. I'm going to be here a while, Susan."

"Oh, I don't want you to be away from us, but Susie needs you. Have you called work?"

"That is my next call, I wanted to let you talk to Susie and fill you in first, now I have to call Abby and Peter, I need more time off. But this is a family emergency so I'm sure I can work it out. Anyway, I'll call you again in a bit, when I meet with the social services person here, and we will start working on guardianship."

"You would do that?"

"Are you kidding? She's our niece, it's the obvious choice, for her to come stay with us. You are a blood relative, they are hardly going to refuse you taking custody of her. She's family, Susan, of course I would do that."

"Thank you. Of course, sorry, I am stressed and upset and worried."

His voice is gentle. "I know, don't worry about it, okay? Social services was concerned you didn't come, but I told them you had just given birth to twins on December 1st, so they are satisfied as to why I am here and not you. Maybe we can put you on speakerphone when I talk to them again, which will be in about half an hour. Stay close to the phone, and I'll call you back."

"Okay. I love you, tell Susie I love her too, and that everything will be okay."

"I will. I'm going to check on Joe's condition again, then sit with Susie for a few minutes, so I'll talk to you again soon. I love you."

I pace and fret for the next 45 minutes until the phone rings.

"Susan, it's John, I'm going to put you on speakerphone so you can hear everything." I hear a click.

"Hi Susan, I'm Jolene Gray, Department of Social Services for San Antonio. I'm very sorry about your brother in law, and as I have discussed with John, we need to make some suitable arrangement for your niece."

"Hi Jolene, thank you for meeting with us this way. I'm sure John explained I can't travel right now, I so wish I could be there. This is very difficult, Joe is such a good man, and of course I am very worried about Susie."

"So I hear, his police force colleagues have been sitting with him around the clock. So, John has asked that we allow the two of you to take guardianship of Susie and he would like to bring her to live with you in Chicago until things are resolved with her stepfather. That is a big move for her."

"Yes, but I am her closest blood relative. She stayed with us all summer, she knows us really well, and our daughter is about her age, so I think the transition will be as easy as it can be, given the circumstances."

"What about her mother, Chloe Lewis."

"Her mother is a missing person, no one has heard from her in months. You may know, she is a drug addict and she disappeared several months ago, after she almost overdosed on heroin in New York City. Joe has been trying to find her with no luck. There is no one else to take her, John and I would like for her come live with us here. This isn't the first time Chloe has run out on her, she abandoned Susie in my care when she was just a baby, disappeared for months, I was about to adopt Susie when she finally reappeared and I was required to give her back. Susie was born here, and my parents are just outside of the city, so she would be close to her family in Chicago."

"You have two newborn babies, and a 5 year old daughter, do you have the ability to provide for her?"

"Yes, we are both doctors, she can have her own room, and we have lots of help, including a nanny. I am off work until October of next year, I arranged a leave of absence to be home with my new twins, so I can be here for her emotional support. Financially we are in a very strong position to take care of her as well. We can provide everything she needs."

"John, do you have anything to add? It seems like you have discussed this with Susan?"

"Of course, when I got here, I called her and suggested we ask for guardianship. I love Susie, she spent the summer with us, she stayed for two months. We can absolutely provide everything she needs, for as long as required. She is family, she has no one else, we need to take her and make sure she is okay."

"So if Joe is not able to continue to provide for her, or Chloe doesn't come back, you would be willing to support and raise her until she is of legal age?"

John sounds firm and certain. "Yes, we would, she is our niece, our family."

"Okay, you both seem committed to this, so the next step is for me to talk to Susie, and then you will need to go in front of a judge here in Texas. We will let the court know why Susan is not in attendance, you may need to get a lawyer in Chicago involved to help notarize documents. You are close relatives, so we will recommend you be granted guardianship, and it would be rare for a judge to deny such a petition. It requires relocation of the child, but in this case it would be in her best interest to move where she can be offered a home with a blood relative."

"How soon will all this happen?"

"Given the circumstances, we will have this resolved in a few days, so by the time Susie is well enough to travel, you should have clearance to take her back to Chicago with you."

"Great, thank you so much."

We all say good bye and John says he'll call me again later after he checks on Joe and Susie. I breathe a sigh of relief, Susie is okay and things are in motion to bring her home to me.

The next few days are a flurry of activity. John attends court in San Antonio and obtains legal guardianship of Susie, the two of us being named in the court documents. As predicted, the judge is happy to grant us permission to bring her to Chicago, they like to see children taken in by relatives whenever possible. I attend the law office John has enlisted to help us and sign the legal documents required and they are couriered to Texas the same day. Susie is continuing to recover, and will be ready to travel within another day or so which is great news. I miss John so much, I want him and Susie here before Christmas.

Joe has shown no improvement whatsoever, John and I discuss what should be done. I can't be in Texas, because I have two new babies to take care of, they are too young to travel, and of course Brooklynn. John has to come home and return to work, they have been very understanding and have let him have the time off to deal with the guardianship and to stay with Susie until he can bring her back to Chicago. Again I think he has to thank Keaton, she has accommodated him with every little thing he needs. However, once he can get her home, he will not be able to get any more time off, he has to finish the rotation.

He sat down with the doctors and they assure him there is nothing more to be done, and they will keep us updated and call if there is any change. John has spent some time talking to Joe's buddies on the police force, and he has some close friends that will continue to visit and keep an eye on him. Neither of us can do more than sit by Joe's bedside, so we are going to turn our attention to taking care of Susie, something where we can make a real difference.

I hear the phone ring, and snatch it up before anyone can answer. John has been calling at least a couple times a day, to update me, and to get updates on how things are at home. I can tell he is missing being home. Our new son and daughter are barely three weeks old and he has been forced to be away for almost a week now.

"Susan, it's John."

"Please tell me you have good news."

"Well, Joe is the same, no improvement at all, but Susie is being discharged today. I have to take her over to the house, go through the rooms with her and pack up anything she wants to bring with her, all her clothes and personal items. She could be with us for quite some time."

"So when are you coming home. I miss you so much, please tell me you are coming home soon, and bringing Susie with you."

"I miss you too, we'll be there tomorrow. I called Katie and she booked us an early afternoon flight. So this afternoon we are at the house packing, and the boxes will be picked up for shipping, and one of Joe's friends is going to pick up the extra house keys. The guys on the force are going to keep an eye on things, mow the lawn, all of that. His chief is taking care of his medical benefit stuff, so there will be some funds to pay his bills, and keep the house for now."

"You can't come home tonight?"

"I wish, but I have to go to the courthouse and pick up some papers tomorrow morning, they got me copies of all her documents, like birth certificate, that kind of thing. I'll see if I can find her passport and other stuff at the house. Then I'll take her in to see Joe again, I've been taking her to visit him every day, but I want her to have a chance to say good bye. I have to drop by the school today as well, they know what is going on and have a package to give to her new school in Chicago."

"Oh John, that is going to be so hard for her, saying good bye to Joe."

"I know, but we both know she needs to have the chance. I don't know if she will ever see him again, Susan, and he has been a big part of her life. She is holding it together, I've been spending as much time as I can with her, and the staff here has been great. They have kind of looked the other way a few times and let me stay way past visiting hours. I keep out of the way, and they know the situation, so they have cut us some slack during the whole guardianship thing, knowing that I am taking her home with me."

"Thank goodness. Social services here has called, and they came out for a visit, it turned out to be someone we know so she stamped the paperwork. She has to come and do another visit, but she was not too worried. We have her room ready too, I can't wait for you two to come home."

"I know, this has been a rough week. Being away with the twins so little, Susie being so upset, and right before Christmas. I will see if I can find any gifts hiding in the house too, and when I get back I will do a little extra shopping for Susie, did you send her gift from us out here already?"

"Yes, I think Joe got it before the accident. There are three packages if you can find them."

"Okay, I'll do my best to locate them and get them into one of the shipping boxes back home. This has been…really difficult, I wish you could have come too, but we've managed okay. Thankfully she knows me pretty well after those two months in the summer, so she has been pretty comfortable talking to me, but nothing replaces Auntie Susan."

"Oh I am sure you have done just fine, she loves you too."

"I know, but she can't wait to see you. I asked Katie to email you a copy of the itinerary, so if you could ask Alger to pick us up? If Gamma can spare him? If not, let me know and I'll get a car."

"I think she is home tomorrow, but I'll check and let you know, and if not I'll order you a car. I have the number for Damien and it sounds like you still have lots to do."

"Perfect. I have to go, I think Susie is almost ready. I'll have her call you from the house later. I love you."

"I love you too, come home safe."

I update Millicent, letting her know that John will be home and bringing Susie tomorrow. She has been my rock this week, supporting me, helping where she can with the babies. She is totally on board with us bringing Susie back to Chicago, I think she got quite attached to her as well over the summer. Everyone in the house is loving the busyness and activity of having children in the house again, and Susie will be very welcome.

We have a brief call that night, the packing was tearful and emotional, but it is done and the boxes are on the way. John has located pretty much all the paperwork he needs, and he is going to take Susie for some dinner, then back to the hotel for some sleep.

The next afternoon, John calls me from the airport.

"We are about to board the plane, and Alger is going to come pick us up at the airport. We'll see you soon."

"Okay, safe flight, I love you. I can't wait for you to get home."

"I love you too."

I try to keep busy, but he has been gone for almost a week, and I have missed him terribly. And Susie is going to be with him. I hang out in the study with the baby monitor on, and as soon as I hear the front door, I am there. I don't know who to hug first, but Susie looks devastated so I give her a warm embrace.

"Oh sweetie, it is so good to see you. I'm glad you're okay."

Susie bursts into tears and I just hold onto her until she stops crying. John wraps his arms around both of us for a hug, then he disappears for a couple minutes upstairs, I am sure he has missed his babies. They are sleeping still, but I know he wanted to look in on them.

He comes back down shortly and we get Susie into the kitchen and try to get her to eat a bit. She looks thin and pale, sad.

"Auntie Susan, Joe still didn't wake up. Uncle John said I'm going to live here with you. I had to say good bye to Joe, I hope he's not lonely without me."

"That's right sweetie. I know you miss Joe, but he was hurt very badly from the accident, and we are going to take care of you, okay? Joe has friends who are going to see him lots at the hospital, so he won't be alone. Brooklynn will be home soon, and she is happy that you are coming to stay with us again."

We take her upstairs and get her settled in her room, I lay down with her on the bed for a few minutes until she falls into an exhausted sleep. Then I go locate John, he is watching the twins sleep, and he looks like he is on his last ounce of energy. He's exhausted, and no wonder, he has spent most of his time at the hospital, getting only a few hours sleep every night. Even last night was not restful, Susie was up half the night.

I almost run into his arms, he holds me so tight. "I missed you so much, this week was so hard, being away from you and the kids." I cling to him, we haven't been apart this long for a while, and I am so happy he is home. I lay down with him on the bed, I have him all to myself for a few minutes, I snuggle up to him in comfortable silence. I finally disengage myself, I realize he has drifted off to sleep, the exhaustion has won. I cover him carefully and let him rest.

Hailey wakes up and I pick her up quickly, and sit very quietly feeding her, watching how peaceful John looks as he sleeps. She is changed and gurgling softly in the bed, before Aiden wakes up, and takes his turn. I peek in at Susie, who is fast asleep still, then I take the twins into their room for a bit of active time. They can't do much yet, but I put them on a soft blanket so they can wiggle and squirm, and give them time on their bellies.

I look up and John is leaning in the doorway, he still looks tired and bleary eyed, but he is awake. "They changed so much, in just a week." He comes in and carefully picks up Hailey, giving her cuddles and talking to her. After a few minutes he trades and spends some time with Aiden.

"Can I come in?" We both look up to see Susie, hesitating in the doorway.

"Sure honey, do you want to meet your cousins?"

We get her to come in and show her how to carefully pick up and hold the babies. She cuddles them and talks to them. We put them back on the blanket on their bellies, and she lays down beside them and talks to them. She seems totally entranced with her cousins, and she actually smiles. When the babies get tired, I get her to help me tuck them in for a nap and we all go downstairs. Brooklynn is just arriving home from school, and launches herself at John the minute she walks in the door.

"Daddy! You finally came home!"

"I did, I missed you so much while I was away. Were you good for mommy and did you help out with your brother and sister?"

"Mommy let me help give them baths and put them to bed." She looks very serious. "Daddy, don't go away again, okay? I think mommy missed you too much."

"I missed her too, I missed all of you, but you know what? I had to bring Susie home, she is going to live with us for a while."

Brooklynn turns her attention to Susie and soon they are off and running, some of the sadness seems to be lifting. Susie immediately seems better now that her cousin is home.

We have dinner, take the girls up to see the horses, and John lets them ride for a while, before we go back to the house and do some homework with Brooklynn. I let Susie read to me while John works with Brooklynn. She is excited to have her daddy back, she missed him too. Later we get them both bathed and into bed, Susie asks if she can sleep in Brooklynn's room tonight. We agree readily, she has had a very tough week, and we want her to feel comfortable.

I get some quiet time with John, we sit in the study with his arms around me and I lean back against him.

"I am so happy you're home, John, we missed you so much."

"Me too, you have no idea how hard it was, I missed all of you too. Susie, she has been an emotional roller coaster, being in the hospital, and the whole thing with Joe, the poor kid. It was heartbreaking, watching her say good bye to him, I think she knows she might not see him again. I did tell her I would take her back out to see him if he wakes up."

"Thank you so much for being there, that is above and beyond the call of duty, taking care of my niece."

"Our niece, remember? I was happy to do it, that I could be there for her. We will have to keep an eye on her, get her talking, or find her someone to talk to perhaps. This has been really rough on her."

"I know, and it's not going to get easier, is it? Joe is not getting better, so we need to prepare for the worst."

"Yeah, we have some big decisions to make." He hesitates then takes a deep breath. "I had a good chat with our lawyer. I have some concerns going forward, and I wanted to ask him about our legal position. At this point, things look grim for Joe, the doctor thinks there was a lot of damage to his brain, the scans are not encouraging, so even if he comes out of the coma, he is unlikely to ever be in a position to take care of a child. Though they fully expect he will be gone within another few weeks, the odds are against any sort of meaningful recovery."

"So what is your concern?"

"Chloe." One word, says it all. Oh, Chloe, and suddenly the anxiety hits me, and I have a suspicion I know what he was asking the lawyer.

"Oh boy. Do you think she is going to show up and take Susie?"

"Who knows? We have no clue where she is, she's been gone for close to a year now, if she's even alive. What if she comes back, are you going to just hand Susie over to her? She lost her child in New York City, she's relapsed into drug use more than once. How could we in good conscience give Susie back to her, ever. Susie won't have Joe to protect her anymore."

"I know, it would be hard to watch, that is for sure. I don't know what to do about it, though, she is Susie's mother, she has parental rights."

John sits up a bit, and turns me so I am looking at him. "I know exactly what we should do. We should legally adopt Susie."

I am stunned. John wants to adopt my niece? "What?"

"Chloe has been gone for more than 90 days, and the prognosis for Joe is not good. We could start adoption proceedings anytime, if you want to have her with us permanently. Our lawyer thinks any judge in Chicago would approve it, and if we get it through before Chloe reappears, we keep Susie. It would be virtually impossible for Chloe to ever get her back. Susie would legally be our daughter."

"Chloe would throw a fit." Like she did last time. But she has been gone longer, and John is offering to get this on track right away. "You would actually adopt Susie?"

" _We_ would adopt her. Susie needs stability, the worst thing would be for us to get her settled, into school, she makes friends, she's happy and she is doing well. Then Chloe appears and walks off with her and we have no legal grounds to stop her from disrupting Susie's life? Disappears with her, is using heroin or worse, and ends up leaving her somewhere, who know what could happen to Susie. How does Chloe pay for her drugs? Drug addicts do desperate and stupid things for drugs."

"Oh please don't even make me think about how she gets her money, John. You think she….does that?" I can't even say it.

"It is certainly possible, I wish it wasn't the case, but look who she used to pick up, even back when she got pregnant with Susie. Sleeping with whoever can provide her drugs? I would bet on it. You don't know where she goes, I mean, where is she now? What is she doing?"

"I hate to think about it, she's my sister, John."

"I know, I hated to think about my cousin using street drugs, he had money to buy the stuff, but he still made bad choices. If you don't have money, you need to support the habit somehow. Trust me, I understand a little too well. I had money, and easy access to pharmaceuticals, so I never went to street drugs, but man, I could have if Benton didn't catch me on my way out the door and make me see where I was headed."

"I can't even think about that, John. You came so close to dying, I don't want to revisit that."

"Yeah, me either, but my history gives me some inside perspective on addiction. I talked to my lawyer about it, and he doesn't think my issue will affect an adoption, we have kids, I'm a doctor, I did the rehab, kept my licence and I've kept clean. Lots of things in our favor that override it. Chloe doesn't know, about me, right?"

"No, that was something private you and I discussed, I don't share it with anyone, it's not mine to share. She has no idea, and I don't know how she would ever find out."

"Okay, good, we don't want her to know. If she were to show up before we can finalize things, we don't want her to have any ammunition."

"Chloe might fight it, legally, try to get her back."

"Yeah, well I bet we can retain our lawyer longer than she can hers. We have a very good lawyer, she would have a public defender. We have the financial resources to fight anything she throws at us, she has nothing. Once the adoption is done, its game over for Chloe. By the time we have this done, she will have been gone close to a year – what judge is going to take Susie away from a loving family to give her back to a drug addicted mother who walked out on her, more than once?"

"You are ready to play hardball with Chloe, then."

"Yes, if it comes down to it, and I need to. If she cleans up her act, then she can visit, this isn't about denying her the right to ever see Susie, its about a little girl who has been abandoned by her mother. A mother who is a known drug user and alcoholic, and has abandoned her daughter at least 3 times previously. The kid has just essentially lost her stepfather, the only bit of stability in her life, aside from us. She's not even 8 years old."

"She'll be 8 in the spring. She is just a little girl."

"Exactly, I couldn't stand to see Chloe disappear with her. Not knowing where they are, kind of like we are wondering where Chloe has gotten to this very minute? I've seen Chloe flip out on you, I've seen her drunk and high, she gets crazy if that night in the ER is any indication. And irresponsible, losing a child in New York?"

"I know, John. Believe me, I know. Remember I tried to adopt Susie before, I got really close before Chloe waltzed in and took her away. I thought back then that it was stupid that they would allow a drug addict to take her child, she had been clean for about 30 seconds." I sigh. He is right, everything he has said is right on target. "You're right, Chloe could reappear at any time, and take Susie away. Even Joe expressed his concern about what he would do if Chloe reappeared suddenly, he wouldn't want her to take Susie anywhere. You've obviously thought about this a lot."

"Yeah, I've had a lot of time to think the past few days, sitting around a hospital, watching this little girl devastated by loss. Abandoned by her mother. We can take on the responsibility for another little girl, we have tons of help, the financial resources, and she knows us, we're her family. Our lawyer thinks given you are blood relative, the fact that Chloe has been gone close to a year, and this is not the first instance of abandonment, we would be able to get it through no problem. We have legal custody already, they won't move her, and if we adopt it takes the financial responsibility off the foster system."

"You've done your homework, this is something you really want to do." I am touched, beyond words that he would feel so strongly about protecting Susie, that he had done so much leg work on this. It has been less than a week and he is ready to welcome Susie into our home as a full part of the family, and offer legal protection."

He nods. "Yes, I really want to do this. I can't think of anything worse than always wondering just when Chloe is going to reappear, and then disappear with Susie. You know Chloe, would she take her back whether she was fit or not? Can you live with the fact that there would be nothing we could legally do to stop her?"

I meet his eyes. "Based on last time? Yes, she would. And no, it would be the hardest thing in the world, to have her taken away like that again. Having her become part of our family, and then having her just taken away. You know what I went through last time, we talked about it a lot, didn't we? Is that why you are offering to do this now?"

"It's part of it, I won't deny it, I wouldn't want to see you go through that again. That's not the whole reason though, I've grown attached to her too, she is such a sweet girl, she and Brooklynn became close, like sisters this summer. And I can relate on some level, my absentee parents, how my grandparents stepped in when I needed someone. How could I do less for part of our family? You know I'll treat her just like she is my own child, she will have every opportunity, just like our kids."

I know he will, he treated her like his daughter the whole summer, made sure she never felt left out of anything we did. "I know, I saw how you and Susie interacted all summer. She loves you, and you made her feel welcome, part of the family. So, how long does the process take? How would we approach Susie about this?"

"Well, we could probably pull a few strings to expedite things, but a couple months probably. The tricky part is Susie, but I've been honest with her about Joe, that he was really badly injured, and will not be able to take care of her anymore, so we wanted her to come stay with us. That was so hard to go through with her, but she needed to know. I thought not knowing would be scarier for her, than knowing she always has a home with us. We might do it that way, tell her we want to make her a permanent part of our family. What do you suggest?"

"You did the right thing, being so honest about Joe. Susie is a smart girl, if we can approach it the right way, she will be on board. I guess we are going to have another child."

"Yes, we are. I want take care of her, she is important to both of us, make her part of our family and give her some legal protection. I know Chloe is not a horrible person, but she's unreliable and an addict. Susie needs more than that in her life, she deserves more, and I think we can give her what she needs. I'm not saying it will all be easy, I don't know how she'll feel about the fact she'll never live with Chloe again. We'll have to do this carefully so we don't upset or hurt Susie, I don't know how much Joe told her about Chloe, why she's not around."

I sigh. "He told her that Chloe was very sick and needed to go away, that he doesn't know where she went or how long she'll be gone, or if she is even coming back. If we keep on that track, explain in simple terms why we want to do this, to make sure she can stay with us always, she will likely agree with no real issues.

"So, are we both on the same page then? You want to get it rolling?"

I look into his eyes and nod. "Yes. Thank you for doing this, John. For everything you have done, and are doing for Susie, for me. Taking on another child, that is big time commitment."

"You don't have to thank me, I want to do this, for her, for you, and for our family. As for commitment? Well, I think we are already pretty committed, we have 3 children together, we're married, we work together, another child fits right into the 50 or 60 year plan, don't you think?"

I have to laugh. "I suppose when you put it that way, and she is halfway to being a teenager already. Let's do it, let's talk to Susie, and get things going with the lawyer." I wrap my arms around his neck and give him a big kiss, and we hold each other close. "I love you, so much."

"I love you too, Susan."

The next morning, John calls our lawyer from the study and we all have a quick conference call. It only a couple days before Christmas now, and they won't be able to do much until after the holidays, but he will have his secretary call us and make an appointment for us to come for a meeting. John invites Millicent into the study and shuts the door.

"So, you know we got legal guardianship of Susie for now, but we are concerned about Chloe showing up at some undetermined point in the future."

Millicent knows the story with Chloe, we have not kept this a secret. She nods and looks at John inquiringly, she knows there is a point to this conversation.

"Susan and I are going to try and legally adopt Susie."

Millicent only looks mildly surprised at this. "You've talked to Justin about this?"

"Yes, we've agreed that it is the only way to make sure she can stay with us."

"Hmmm, well, I think you are both doing a good thing here, taking care of your niece like that. I will support you in any way that I can, make sure that we provide for her just like we are for the other three."

I feel a little teary, Millicent has just come on board with very little discussion, she believes in what we are doing. "Thank you, Millicent it means everything that you are supportive of this, welcoming my niece into your home."

Millicent smiles. "Susan, you are part of the family, which makes Susie family. We have been lucky, our family as a whole, to have so much. If you and John are choosing to provide a permanent home for your niece, I think that is terrific. I get another great grandchild to spoil."

"Still, thank you." Just like that, our lives change again, but I know we are doing the right thing. I love my sister, and I know she tried, but she will always struggle with her addictions - both drugs and alcohol. Her stability is gone, Joe was ready to divorce her before the accident, and now there is no chance of reconciliation. His condition remains grave and with little hope of any recovery.


	35. Chapter 35

Christmas Eve arrives, and we have a bit of a houseful. John's dad arrived on the 23rd bearing quite an assortment of gifts for everyone, including Susie. I was quite touched by this, John has been filling his dad in on the latest developments including our plan to adopt Susie. He is supportive, which is an unexpected but welcome turn of events. He seems much happier this visit, I guess John settling down, providing some legitimate grandchildren and getting married has met with his approval. Though typically, he is staying in town at the Ritz rather than out at the house, even with all the empty bedrooms.

We also invite my parents out to the house for Christmas Eve dinner, and the additional invitation to stay overnight and be there for Christmas morning with the grandkids. They have decided to take us up on it, they only briefly visited us in the hospital to meet the twins, and of course they have not seen Susie since the summertime when I drove the girls out to see their grandparents on one of my days off.

Cookie and Henry arrive in the afternoon of the 24th, and I can almost see my mom's mouth drop open.

Henry opens the door immediately and ushers them in, my mom is almost beside herself that we have a butler. Alger appears and takes their bags upstairs, putting them in one of the rooms in the left wing. I am grateful Millicent has done this, it allows us a bit more privacy to have my parents in the opposite wing to where my room is with John, the girls, and the twins. Millicent is resting before the big evening, and Jack has disappeared into town for some reason, so I greet them and show them their room.

Cookie looks around in awe. "You live here? All the time? My goodness Susan, I knew they were rich, but this is amazing."

Henry doesn't comment as much. "Susan, you look great. Let's go see our grandbabies."

I am grateful, he is much more interested in the kids than the house. I lead them over to our wing, and give them a quick tour, showing them the nursery, then Brooklynn's room and Susie's room. I save our room for last as the twin are sleeping in there still, we are planning to keep them with us a bit longer.

"So this is your room? Wow, lifestyles of the rich and famous, you've done well Susan. Why aren't the children in that fancy bedroom you have done up for them."

"We just have the babies in here with us until they get a bit bigger. It's convenient and good for them to be close to us." I glance around, and have to admit, our room is pretty impressive, I remember being a bit in awe myself the first time John brought me in here. The king size bed, the sitting area and fireplace, along with the massive bathroom and walk in closet. The maid has been through already, and our room is perfectly spotless, the bed made, bathroom cleaned after our morning showers. My mom walks over and looks out the huge window and shakes her head.

"This is better than a 5 start hotel, look at the view. Is this all their property?"

I am picking up Hailey and handing her to her grandfather. "Yes, they have quite a bit of land here. Later we can walk up to the stables, the girls want to show you their horses and demonstrate their riding abilities."

Henry is in heaven, he is rocking and talking to Hailey, then we trade off and I hand him Aiden. "What sweet little tikes you have, you and John must be very happy. Where is he anyway?"

"He had an early shift but he'll be home soon. He called just as he was leaving the hospital."

John arrives about 10 minutes later, the girls bounce over and he gives them each a big hug and kiss, says hi to Cookie and Henry, then goes upstairs quickly to change into casual clothes. He promised the girls he would help them saddle the horses, so we all walk up to the stables. John carries Hailey and a small diaper bag, while I take Aiden. Cookie still seems a bit overwhelmed at the surroundings, but John is totally at ease. At the stables he hands off Hailey to her grandpa and brings in Farah and Marigold, helping saddle and prepare them for riding.

The girls love showing their skills off to the grandparents, and Jack arrives as they are doing their last few rounds of the ring.

"Cookie and Henry, this is my dad, Jack." We get them all talking, Jack is polite and charming, he doesn't so much as blink when my mother goes on about the house and grounds. I am sure John might hear about it later, but that is okay, he is not too worried about his dad. The visit goes smoothly, and soon it is time to go back to the house and get ready for dinner.

John warned me that since it is Christmas Eve, there will be a traditional open house, and some of the Carter relatives are likely to drop by, as Millicent is home this year. It sounds like a few of the aunts, uncles and cousins along with some family friends will make some sort of appearance, so our sit down dinner is served early. I am a little worried about Cookie and Henry, but John just waves off my concerns.

"John, they are already overwhelmed and a little embarrassing about the house, just wait until you get a few drinks into them."

"Yeah, well wait until you get a few drinks into the Carter relatives, no one will notice a thing. After about the 4th martini, it turns into chaos. And we only see them once or twice a year anyway, so who cares what they think."

And he is so right. There is a surprisingly large turnout, I had no idea he had so many relatives and of course Millicent's friends and the entire board of the family foundation arrive. Most of them have cars, and by that I mean limo service to ferry them to the open houses for the evening. Over the night I estimate over 100 people have dropped by with small gifts, enjoying the food and open bar service. The staff seems to have multiplied for the evening and there are so many people coming and going that my parents are a bit speechless. The girls are allowed to attend for a short while, then we send them upstairs with Louisa, who is also keeping an eye on the twins. I make one quick visit upstairs to feed them before their bedtime, then I come back down to socialize. John introduces me to a few more family members but it all ends up as a blur.

"Don't worry, I'm related and I can't remember who half of them are." I find Jack beside me, sipping a drink. I am a bit surprised at his flash of humour, and I shoot him a smile.

"Is it always like this?"

"Once a year, yes, they all make their appearances, but John is the only one who is constantly part of my mother's life these days. She was overjoyed when you two agreed to live out here with her. I must say I was surprised John agreed, but it does make a lot of sense, rather than him buying a much bigger house. No way would his place in town work now that you two have 4 kids to manage."

"I know, crazy, isn't it? How we ended up with 4 kids in less than 2 years. I wouldn't have it any other way, though, I love them all."

"It was a bit of a surprise, I thought I was never going to have any grandkids, now I have 4. Any word from Eleanor?"

"Not that I'm aware of. I don't think John even knows where she is, not in New York apparently, he has given up trying to find her."

'Hmmmm, not surprised really." He doesn't say any more than that.

Finally things wind down and we all go to bed, it will be an early morning I'm sure, the little girls are excited and the tree is brimming with gifts.

Christmas morning is bittersweet, the twins are happy and healthy, Brooklynn is excited, but I can see a hint of sadness with Susie. We try to keep her busy all day, and we are fairly successful. There are tons of presents to open, and we take the girls outside to play in the snow and build a snowman. We spend the afternoon playing games and watching movies before Corinne and a couple extra staff brought in for the holidays serve a fabulous dinner. The twins are constantly being held, cuddled and talked to the entire day, my mom is not as interested, but the two grandpa's take the babies as often as possible and interact with Brooklynn and Susie non stop. There is still a wide gulf between John and his dad, but Jack is still very good with the grandkids.

When we finally retire to our room we are both tired, it has been a very busy day.

"That went better than expected. My parents will be off home tomorrow, and I guess your dad is off to wherever he gets to?"

"He never stays long, though I guess I should be happy that he at least shows up."

"He was great with the kids, he couldn't get enough of the twins either. That surprised me a bit, I didn't think he was much for kids, you aren't that close to him."

"Well, he was never around, was he, and it's easy to be grandpa for a day and then head off to his real life. I think he was like that when I was really young, I remember some things, but after Bobby died, neither of my parents were home more than a couple weeks at a time. Add that on to how disappointed he has been with pretty much all my choices in life, it doesn't add up to much of a relationship. Though I guess I have finally done something right in my life, gave him some grandkids, and got married."

I sigh, and snuggle up to him in our bed. "I still don't think he has any right to be disappointed, you have accomplished a lot, you are a great dad, and I couldn't ask for a better man in my life." I brush his cheek with my fingers and give him a kiss. "I love you, don't ever change."

"I love you too." He kisses me back. "Thanks, it's nice to hear."

John has to work on the 26th, so he says good bye to my parents early and leaves for the hospital. It is great he had Christmas Eve and Day, he worked a lot of holidays, as did I when we were residents, so now we reap the rewards of seniority. It was even nicer this year to have us all together, the twins celebrating their first Christmas and having Susie here.

I make a quick call to Texas, and there has been no change in Joe's condition, and the daily update from the doctors show the prognosis has not changed, they expect we will face some tough decisions after the holidays. I can tell Susie is thinking of him, he has been her daddy since she was a baby, so of course she is quite attached to him, he really is a good man. John has been so wonderful with everything, doing all he can to cheer up Susie and help her to not dwell on her troubles, so the rest of the holidays pass pleasantly.

We keep busy and John and I attend a New Year's celebration at the Davis residence.

"John, this was a lot of fun, maybe next year we will have to throw a small party at our house."

"Maybe, I guess we will see how things go. It has been quite the year, so much has happened." We pull into the garage, fortunately Jim and Tiffany don't live all that far away.

"No kidding. And the New Year is going to be just as eventful." We have decided that we are going to sit down and have the talk with Susie this week. She has been with us for about two weeks now, and the lawyer is going to start proceedings on his end. We also have to figure out schooling and a few other details, we are not sure if we should try to enroll her into the private school this year, or if we should home school her for a while and start her up in the fall. John is going to visit the school once they reopen after the holidays to see if we can even get her a spot this year.

January 2 arrives and today is the day. John is off work, so we have Corinne and Louisa keep Brooklynn and the twins busy, and then we take Susie out for a couple hours, just the 3 of us.

I start, John and I have had several discussions on what we should say to her, none of this will be easy, and I have no idea how she is going to react, but it needs to be done.

"Susie, Uncle John and I have a few things we would like to talk to you about."

"Is it about Joe? Is he awake now?"

"No honey, Joe is still asleep, the doctors don't know if he is going to wake up. That is why we wanted to talk to you. You know that Uncle John and I love you."

"I know, I love you too."

"We both want you to know, what you will always have a home here with us. I know you miss Joe, but we don't think he is ever going to be able to take care of you, he was so badly hurt."

"Uncle John told me that already. What about mommy? Is she ever coming home?"

"I don't know, she has been gone a long time, hasn't she?"

"Yes, and it was kind of scary sometimes with mommy, like when she left me all alone in New York. If she comes back is she going to leave me alone again? Joe said she was really sick, and couldn't take care of me anymore, so she went away."

"Yes, she did, but we don't know where she went. I know you love her, but Uncle John and I want you to stay with us, go to school here until you are all grown up. Would you like that?"

Susie tilts her head and looks at me thoughtfully. "Like live here forever? With you and Uncle John and Brooklynn, and the babies, and Gamma?"

"Yes. If we could make it so you could be like one of our kids, and live here all the time, would you want to? It would mean even if your mom came back, you would still live with us. You could visit her, but she may always be sick and not able to take care of you, just like Joe won't be able to take care of you anymore.. Uncle John and I would like to make sure you can stay here with us."

"I'd like that, I like living with you. I don't get scared, like I sometimes did with mommy." This is heartbreaking, she looks so little and sad, imagine having to be scared all the time.

John jumps in at this point, we decided we would both try and take a part of the conversation, so she knows we both want her. "Susie, we would like to adopt you. Do you know what that means?"

"One of the kids in my class was adopted, when I was in San Antonio. Her mommy and daddy died, so now she has a new mommy and daddy." She stops and furrows her brow. "Uncle John, would you be my daddy if you adopted me?" John looks over at me, and I nod.

"Yes, it would make me like your daddy, and Auntie Susan like your mommy. It would mean that you would live with us like you are our daughter."

"So Brooklynn and Hailey would be my sisters, and Aiden would be my brother?"

"Yes. Would that be okay?"

I can see Susie concentrating on what John is saying. Then she nods. "I think I would like that. They are so lucky, they get to have a mommy and a daddy."

I smile at her and pull her in for a hug. "That makes both of us very happy. We really want you to live with us until you are all grown up and be our little girl."

John takes a turn giving Susie a big hug. "So if it is okay with you, we want to work on this right away. We have to get a judge to agree but wanted to make sure it was something you would want too. We haven't told Brooklynn yet, but I bet she will be really excited to have you be her sister."

"Will I get to go to school with her too?"

"Well, that is something we have to work out. We are going to go see the principal of the school and see if you can go there too. If not this year, then next fall I am sure you will be able to go there. We have lots of things to figure out, but if you have any questions, you can ask anytime."

Susie looks about the happiest she has since she got here. "What do I call you?"

"For now, John and Susan is fine, but you decide what you would like to call us, okay? It will take a little while to make this official, but we really want you to live with us."

I breathe a sigh of relief, she has been very receptive, I was worried that this would be a lot more difficult.

We meet with the lawyer a couple days later, and he has started the process, putting out notifications in the papers as required.

"So, John, Susan, did you discuss this with Susie?" Justin McKay steeples his hands under his chin.

"Yes, she is receptive to what we want to do, so we would like to get things moving as quickly as possible. What are the next steps?"

"Well, it should go smoothly, as you are blood relative, but they will still want to see recommendation letters on file. So, if you could provide at least 3 personal references, it will make the process go much quicker. I am sure you have some strong personal references you can provide? John, I have known your family a long time, but it would still be good if you could get some letters, in case we get a newer judge that doesn't know your family. Also, you mentioned that this is not the first time she has abandoned Susie, if you have any proof of the last proceedings, or the incident in New York, anything you can give me related to the most recent disappearance?"

"I was in the process of adopting her when she was a baby, but that was 7 years ago. In New York, I did file a report with the police, and ride along with two officers who eventually located her. And Joe, her husband, reported Chloe missing through the police in San Antonio months ago, and he was starting divorce proceedings as well, which I am sure would include the abandonment. We can't ask of course, he has never regained consciousness and the prognosis is not good for recovery." I dig out what I have and hand it over, he flips through. I have given him names and phone numbers and as much supporting documentation as I have kept. It also includes a doctor's report on Joe, with a medical opinion that even if he were to regain consciousness, he would not be able to care for a young child.

"This is all really good, I will request some documentation, get hold of the social service records from the first time Chloe left. You have a very strong case here, I think we can push this through quickly, as it has been over 90 days since she left." Justin smiles. "This should be one of the easier situations, judges love to see family members take children whenever possible. That you can provide her a secure and stable home with two loving parents, and siblings, is in your favour." He hands us a paper. "Gather up this paperwork, and get it in to me as soon as you can."

As soon as we leave, I have to hug John. "This is amazing, I love you so much for doing this."

"Well, let's keep our fingers crossed and get busy with the recommendation letters and all the paperwork. I want to get this through, then we can relax and celebrate." He gives me a big kiss.

Once we get home, John pulls out his files and makes copies of the paperwork required by the lawyer. He quickly makes some phone calls as well, he has a great list of people to ask for recommendation letters. I am sure he could get about 20 in five minutes or less. I sit down and think a bit harder about mine, but I have some really good ones too. Rachel, Peter, my friend Sharon in Phoenix. John decides on Jim, Ryan and then has to decide on Peter, Keaton, Jing-Mei, Rosen or Weaver – the last one surprises me a bit, but she does know him well.

He doesn't list Abby Lockhart though, and it surprises me a bit, they have been friends for quite a while.

We stop in at County for a visit on one of John's days off. We had sent a thank you card, but with the whole Susie thing, we never got a chance to visit with the babies. We get quite a reaction, showing up with all 4 kids.

"Dr. Carter, Dr. Lewis, nice to see you." Jerry raises an eyebrow as we arrive at the admit desk. The nurses are all over the two babies, Haleh and Chuney in particular, so we pull the twins out of their seats so they can be held by everyone.

"Hey stranger! Nice to see you, I went to visit at Northwestern and they said something about visiting Texas? You need to return your calls."

"Deb, sorry, it has been interesting. Do you have a few minutes, I'll buy you a cup of coffee and fill you in."

Abby Lockhart appears at that time, and we end up taking both of them with us to Doc's. We put the girls up at the counter and let then order burgers with fries and a milkshake, which will keep them busy for a while. The twins we pull out of their seats, Jing-Mei insists on taking Aiden, and John holds Hailey.

"He is just the cutest little guy, looks like his daddy." Jing-Mei gushes over him, Abby seems a little disconnected and grouchy at all the attention our kids seem to get. Jing-Mei looks over at Susie and talks in a low voice. "So, what is going on? I thought Susie went home to Texas?"

John fills her in about Joe, Chloe and the trip to Texas. About how Susie is living with us now.

Abby frowns. "What are you going to do about Susie? Does she have someone else to take her? I mean, the two of you have three kids already."

John shrugs. "Yeah, well she is part of the family, there is no one else, and we….are working on adopting her."

Jing-Mei stares at John for a second, Abby almost spits her coffee across the table at me. She ends up choking a bit on the liquid. "You have got to be kidding, Carter. You two just had twins, and you are going to adopt her? You can't be serious!" She hisses this under her breath.

Jing- Mei however gets a little grin on her face. "Well, this is quite a change. Less than two years ago, you were single and now you're married with 4 kids. Never thought I would see that happen, but you know what? You are both doing a really great thing for that little girl. She must feel pretty alone."

I smile at Jing-Mei. "Thanks Jing-Mei, we have tried to make sure she doesn't feel alone or abandoned. John went down and spent a week with her in Texas after the accident, got us custody and brought her back with him. We've already told both of the girls what we are doing and our lawyer is working on things now. You may not know, but this is not the first time Chloe has left her, I was going to adopt her when she was a baby, but Chloe reappeared and took her back before it went through. So, now we are pushing it through as fast as possible, we have no idea where she is, if or when she is coming back."

Abby shakes her head. "You shouldn't be though, Susie is hers, not yours Susan. It's selfish of you to try and take her daughter away."

"Selfish? Really. Where the hell is she? She will be gone a year come the beginning of April. She lost her child while she went and got high, in New York City, last April. We had to take time off work, fly to New York, and get the police out to look for them, Chloe almost died of a drug overdose and had no recollection of where her child was. Lucky we found her before some drug dealer or pimp did. So don't tell me this is wrong, this is the third time she has abandoned her that I am aware of, once before she was a year old, once in New York and again when they go back to Texas. You think we are going to let an alcoholic and heroin addict come and take a 7 year old child?"

Abby looks over at John. "Are you sure this is a good idea? Your life has changed so much in less than two years, you've had your own issues John. Finding out you have a daughter, getting married, having twins, the new position at work, the stress of it all, it's going to be too much, what if _you_ relapse. 4 kids, John that is just craziness."

John shakes his head. "Not going to happen Abby. Everything that has happened is all positive, all good things. It would be more stressful to lose Susie, than to ensure she is taken care of, wonder whether Chloe is just going to show up and disappear with her. We had her all summer and it was great. And I am never going there, ever again."

Jing-Mei frowns a bit at Abby then looks at John. "I think it's great, you two should do what you need to do to protect her. I bet you put a lot of thought into this, and Susan, you recognized this might be necessary years ago."

"Thanks Deb, I appreciate your support." John squeezes her hand, then looks over at Abby. "We aren't jumping into this with no thought or discussion, Abby, we would appreciate your support too. Susie is family and we want to do this, and we have the resources to do this. So we have 4 kids to raise, we are taking care of a little girl who needs us and is already a part of our family. Don't you wish you had someone like that when you were a kid?"

Abby flushes a bit and looks angry. "Don't bring up my family, that's private, Carter. I would appreciate you not discussing it with anyone." She pushes out of the booth and stalks out of the diner.

I look at John in surprise. "What was that about?"

He just shakes his head. "Oh, don't worry about it, she'll cool down, it's not like it's that big of a secret. I already told you I went to Oklahoma with her to get her mom out of that motel? Well, it was bad. She's bi-polar, so she cycles when she's off her meds, and she was uncooperative and almost catatonic at some points until we got her taking her meds."

Jing-Mei nodded. "I remember, she overdosed on something she stole from a gas station along the way right?"

"Yeah, that was fun, Abby turned her back for about 2 seconds in the store at the gas station and she pocketed some pills, took all of them in the bathroom. Good thing we realized soon enough and got her to the ER here or she would have died. It was a close call."

I stare at John for a moment, this I had not heard before. "Abby's mom tried to kill herself? On the way back from Oklahoma?"

"Yup, not the first time she's tried either, that was at least her 3rd attempt that Abby was aware of. Her childhood was rough, she didn't have grandparents like I did to step in, or us, like Susie does. Her mom was hardly ever on her meds, so you can imagine what it was like, taking care of her little brother Eric and trying to get by with a mom that was cycling through all the stages constantly. That is why I am so surprised she is against us doing this." He sighed, then excused himself heading off towards the back of the restaurant.

Jing-Mei glances over at me. "Let's see your ring, I've didn't get a chance to see them, you were off work before I got over to visit John. I went to China for a while."

I hold out my left hand. "Rings actually. He gave me the engagement ring, which was a family heirloom, and then of course the wedding band he had made to compliment the solitaire."

Jing-Mei gives a little whistle. "Wow, very nice. A gorgeous engagement ring and a pretty fabulous wedding band there too. Lucky girl, not many ladies get to wear jewellery like that, must be worth quite a bit."

"Thanks, I love them, they are both pretty special pieces."

Jing-Mei looks at me intently. "Susan, just ignore Abby, she's just unhappy…well, maybe we shouldn't get into it."

I raise an eyebrow. "What? You can't just start out like that and stop, Jing-Mei. Why is she unhappy?"

Jing-Mei sighs. "I have a theory, and I'm pretty sure it's correct. I think Abby was hoping for something to happen between her and John. If you hadn't come back when you did, maybe something would have happened with the two of them. But, when you came back, she lost her chance, forever. I knew as soon as he said you two were seeing each other that it was game over for Abby. There was something about the way he talked about you that made me think…well that you were going to end up together."

"Wow, really? It was that obvious how he felt about me?"

Jing-Mei nods. "Yes, to me anyway, but he trusts me, he doesn't guard his feelings as much as he does with other people, someone else probably wouldn't have noticed. As for Abby, it was her own fault, really, she was playing a game, between John and Luka Kovac, an Attending at County. I think she couldn't decide which one she wanted more, then Kovac broke up with her. So she thought she should go after John, but he didn't bite – maybe he didn't want to be rebound guy, since she still seemed a bit hung up on Luka. He moved to Northwestern, and before you know it, you are in the picture. Abby was kind of pissed off about that, let me tell you."

"Was she? She seemed fine when I met her, but I guess John and I were kind of on again off again for a while, and we were kind of off at that moment."

"And she was playing the game, she didn't want John to see how upset she was that he had been seeing someone else. He was a little too serious about you in such a short time, or so I thought then. Of course, I didn't know about the history you two shared at that point, that you'd already had a relationship in the past, I didn't know it had ever evolved beyond flirting over the patients."

"We did not flirt over the patients."

"Right, sure you didn't, that's why you ended up sleeping with him when he was an intern, and having his child."

I laugh. "Nope, flirting at the pub, mixed with a bit of alcohol got me into that situation, we kept it pretty low key at work, no-one figured it out."

"Ah right, you picked him up and asked him to take you home, which was the start of a hot love affair. Anyway, she is not excited about the idea of him adopting your niece, it's another bond between you and John."

"Three kids and a wedding ring isn't enough to dissuade her? Convince her that he is off the market?"

"Sadly, she is counting on your marriage to fail. She knows John has never been with one woman this long, it's a major record for him, what almost 2 years?"

"Not quite, two years in the fall. She was so supportive though, when we went through a rough spot, she told me to go fix things with him."

"She had to, she saw that if you didn't, John would have and she needed to look like she was wanting the two of you to succeed. He wouldn't turn to her if he thought she was rooting for your relationship to fail. When he took you on that trip and you two came back married, she was really upset."

"The wedding ring pissed her off? We have a daughter together, and I was pregnant again and she was upset we got married"

"I don't quite get it either, you two have been very much together for months, but she was always happier at work when you and John were fighting. She has been waiting on the sidelines for the big breakup. Then he marries you, the baby you are having ends up being twins, and now you are looking at taking on the 4th child. He is just damn complicated now, he would be a divorced father of 4, and that is hard for her to swallow, because you will forever be part of his life even if you two split up."

"Well, she needs to get over it and move on, because our marriage is good, I love him too much to walk away that easily. It would have to be something really bad to get between us, probably the only thing I wouldn't forgive would be infidelity. And I don't think he would be able to forgive it of me either, if I cheated."

"I truly hope that you stay together, he has never been this happy. You two have moved fast, but again, we have to take into account that you were together before and there were obviously very real feelings there. It is kind of crazy that you two are married with 4 kids in less than 2 years, but you both seem to be handling it all quite well."

"We are, I mean, the twins were a surprise, but a good one, and Susie, well I would have adopted her years ago. Though, I guess if I had, my life would be very different right now, I would not have been in that pub, I would have been at home taking care of a baby. This is how it was meant to be. Anyway, Brooklynn and Susie have been part of my life for a long time, it's really only adding twins for me."

"For John it's huge, she was right about that, he has gone from single and only taking care of himself, to a wife and four kids. But, you both seem really happy, and invested in your relationship, you have stuck it out and worked through your issues. But watch her, don't let her cause trouble for you."

"Wow, I had no idea she was feeling that way. And evidently John doesn't either."

"I don't what?" John slides into the booth beside me, and I start slightly.

Jing-Mei smiles. "Oh not much, just the whole thing with Abby, we were wondering why she was not supportive of you taking Susie."

He shrugs. "Oh who knows, I gave up trying to understand her long ago. She gets all pissed about me telling Susan something everyone at County knows already, I think she's upset with me about other things."

Jing-Mei glances at me with a little look. "Like what?"

"I don't know, she won't tell me exactly, but it has been going on for a while. I asked her, but she isn't one to share, so I've let it go. Drives me crazy, no communication skills that way, she can't ever really share what she's feeling. It doesn't really matter, we are going to do what we think is right for us, for our family and for our lives. She can support it or not. I don't really care." He smiles at me and squeezes my hand. "Everyone else in our lives is supportive of what we are doing and agree it's the right thing. One person disagreeing does not mean we shouldn't do it."

Jing-Mei gave a slight nod in my direction. "Exactly. Let me know if there is anything I can do."

"There is actually, would you mind writing me a reference letter? If you feel comfortable doing it of course, it goes into our file with the courts and social services."

Jing-Mei looked pleased. "I will absolutely do that, John, you have been such a good friend, I will never forget your help with Michael. Or the Marfans case, or the peer reference you did for me for the Chief Resident position, or any other number of things you have done for me. When do you need it?"

"As soon as you have time to provide it. We are trying to get this all done as quickly as possible, we really want it to be well under way before Chloe reappears. Well, if she ever does reappear, who knows if she's coming back."

"I have some time tomorrow morning and I will do it up and drop it off at Northwestern for you."

"Perfect, I am in tomorrow, if I'm not in the ER, I'll be upstairs."

We finish our coffee and the girls appear to be done eating as well, Jing-Mei goes back to work, reluctantly handing back the baby.

"She'll be a good mom someday." I watch her walk across the street.

"She kind of is a mom already, but I know what you mean. She can have a tough shell, but she is very sweet actually. She struggled with the decision to give up Michael, I honestly don't think I could have done it. After looking at our babies right when they were born, it would have been really tough."

"I know, I fell in love with Susie right away, you know that. And Brooklynn, I never for one minute thought about not having her or giving her up, I just could not have done it."

"Glad you didn't give her up." He gave me a kiss. "Let's go home."


	36. Chapter 36

Things are moving right along with the adoption paperwork, we both have our references handed in to the lawyer, along with the requested financial information. After our coffee with Jing-Mei, I am starting to understand why John didn't ask Abby to provide him a reference, he knows she is upset about something. How much he really understands about Abby and the dynamics, I don't know, is he sparing my feeling, and avoiding a confrontation with me about it? Or does he really not get how Abby feels about him? My curiosity is getting the better of me, sometimes I don't know when to leave things alone.

We are on our way in to see the lawyer today, for a quick meeting and to drop off a final bit of paperwork.

"I'm curious, why didn't you ask Abby to be a reference?"

"I did, she wrote a great letter, and the lawyer has it."

"No not Keaton, Lockhart."

"Oh, well, ummm, she's an alcoholic, Susan, I have a lot of other references that carry a whole lot more weight than hers ever could. Jim, Ryan, Jing-Mei and Keaton all wrote great letters, just like Peter, Rachel and Sharon did for you. Anyway Abby is incredibly pissed at me about something that she won't share. I had a feeling she wouldn't be supportive of us adopting Susie, she can be a bit...I don't know how to describe it, but she is not thrilled we have moved as fast as we have in our relationship."

"So seriously, no idea of why she's so upset?"

He sighs. "Do you? Know why she's so angry? You seem to be leading to something here, so out with it, Susan." He glances over. "I know you and Deb were talking about it, what did _she_ say?"

Wow, the guy reads me like a book, Jing-Mei and I thought we got away with it, but nope, he picked up on the body language.

"Well? You jumped about two feet when I sat down, and Deb covered for you. What were you really talking about? What do I have no idea about?"

"We really were talking about why Abby was so upset."

"Oh? And what was Deb's theory? Might as well tell me, or I'll get it out of Deb, she won't lie to me if I ask her directly."

"How do you know it's Deb's theory?"

He laughs a little. "I've known her for years, Susan. She has a theory, you know it, and I know it, and if you don't just spill it, then I'll phone her and ask."

I sigh. "Fine. She thinks that Abby is waiting for us to break up, and if we adopt Susie it just adds to our bond and makes it less likely."

"What? Why would Abby want us to break up? Deb thinks that Abby wants us to...get divorced?" He pulls into a parking lot, turns off the engine and then turns to look at me. "Susan?"

"I knew this was a bad idea. We have an appointment, can we not do this now?"

"Uh, no, I think we need to do this now. Deb thinks Abby wants us to break up."

Oh this is not going to be good, but it is out there now and I have to finish the discussion. "Yes, she thinks that Abby wanted something to happen with you, and her, and I interrupted her plans when I showed up. That if I hadn't come back, you and Abby might have gotten together. There, now you know, happy?"

He just stares at me for a second, then leans back in his seat. "Not particularly. Happy? How the hell could I be happy about...Deb really thinks that?" He sounds a little choked up, but I am hesitant to reach out, is he angry with me? He looks away, out the window for a minute then rubs his hands across his face.

I don't know what to say to him, why did I even get into this conversation, we are supposed to be at the law office in a few minutes. Finally he turns and reaches out to take my hands in his. "It doesn't matter, Abby can be as unhappy and pissed off about whatever she is angry about, whatever the hell it is that is bothering her, it changes nothing. I am with you, 100%, I married you, I love you, and our children. And you're right, we have an appointment." He starts the car and pulls back out into traffic. He seems really bothered though, I can tell. He finds parking near the law office and I have to apologize to him before we go in.

"I'm sorry, now you're upset with me." I twist my rings nervously.

"I'm not." He glances over, and can see how upset I am, he takes my hand. "Susan, I'm really not upset with you. I'm...kind of disappointed, but not with you, okay? Deb is astute, she doesn't miss a lot, and if it's true - then someone I considered a friend is wishing for me to be unhappy? Hoping that my marriage is going to fail? That is just...I can't even think about it right now, it pisses me off. I asked, I don't blame you, okay, you told me, I have only myself to blame for insisting you tell me."

"You're really not mad at me?"

"No, I'm really not. You didn't do anything, I would have no right or reason to be upset with you. Let's go and take care of this and we can talk about it later okay?" He hops out, then comes around to open my door, taking my hand and holding it all the way to the office. He gives it a reassuring squeeze before we are taken into the lawyers office.

The lawyer is impressed with all our work on gathering papers. "Well, I wish all my clients were as quick and organized as the two of you are. I am waiting for some more documents to come in from Social Services, they are just getting the records from the archive on the first abandonment, another couple weeks and I can send in the petition to the courts. Have you arranged schooling for Susie yet?"

"John has gotten us and appointment with the school tomorrow, so we hope that they will allow her to start right away. If not, then we will home school her and do tutoring, starting her in the fall in the next grade at the same school as our daughter Brooklynn."

"Okay, let me know how it goes with the school, which one are you trying to enroll her in?"

John tells him and he makes a note. "Wow, that place is pricey, that you are willing to pay the tuition and bond certainly says commitment." He flips a couple pages. "Any word on her stepfather?"

"No change, we have to talk to the hospital this week about sending him to a long term care facility, and they will continue to monitor him. He has been comatose for over a month now, they are surprised he's hung on this long."

"Lots of responsibility on the two of you, then, to manage his health decisions and the little girl."

"That's okay, we are kind of used to it, advising and making health decisions, and we are happy to take care of our niece. Anything else that we need to do?"

"Leave it in my hands for now, and let me know if there is any change with Joe. The paperwork looks great, we have a few more days for the notifications in the papers to expire, and we will move things along." We thank Justin and John heads into work for a shift. He is taking a few extra right now to make up for the time he had off before Christmas so his rotation should be finished on time.

I can tell he is still bothered by the talk about Abby, but I know he is not mad at me. He did ask, he was not going to let it go. But I call Jing-Mei and warn her anyway.

"He knows."

"Knows what?" Jing-Mei sighs. "You didn't. Please tell me you didn't tell him what we talked about."

"He wasn't letting it go, he knew there was more to the conversation, I couldn't lie to him Jing-Mei. He's my husband, I promised I would never lie to him, I did that once and it did not go well, did it."

"No I suppose not, and you're right, you can't lie to him."

"Could you? Lie to him?"

"No. If he'd asked me, I would have had to tell him the truth, too. He is one of my best friends and I would never want to ruin that, I guess I should have just kept this all to myself. He's mad at us?"

"No, he's not mad at you, or me, he's just kind of...well upset that someone he considers a friend might want to see him unhappy. He believes you might know something he doesn't and that you're right. Maybe there have been other conversations with Abby that leads him to believe you are correct, hard to say, I didn't ask, and I don't want to go there, we've had enough issues with the whole Abby thing. I don't think I would want to be Abby right now, if this is at all true."

"Nope, me either. He might call her out on it, and if he does, watch out. He is going to be right pissed if its true. I think it is true, and he deserves to know, so I guess in the big picture, this will work out okay."

I sure hope so, I hate to see him like this, Abby has seemed so supportive of our relationship, and now it turns out it might all be a game to her? Waiting us out, waiting for us to fail?

John has not brought the subject up again, and I am letting it go for now, we have too much else on our plates at the moment.

School is back in again, so John and I drive Brooklynn in the next day, and meet with the principal. Susie sits patiently in the waiting area of the office.

"Nice to see you both. I understand you have an inquiry about finding space in our grade 2 class for your niece?"

John nods. "She is living with us, we have legal guardianship, and we are actually in the process of adopting her so she can be with us permanently."

"Adopting? Really, that is a bit unusual for a niece to be adopted especially when you have guardianship."

"Kind of a long story, but that is what we are doing, we feel it necessary to protect her legally. Where does that put as far as getting her into school here. Any chance that there is room for her this spring?"

The principal nod. "Actually, your timing is excellent, we do have a couple students that are transferring out as their parents are relocating to another state. We have a waiting list, but we have one spot we can offer to you as you have a child in the school already. We try to accommodate siblings living in the same household as a priority, and given that Susie is legally in your care, we would be happy to treat her as a sibling and have her join the school. We will need her records from her last school, and of course the education bond. We will pro rate your fee starting January, so let us know when she is ready to start. I assume you also have court documents to establish your guardianship?"

John pulls out the records and places the envelope on the desk. "These are her records from Texas, school, and a copy of the court documents from San Antonio giving us legal custody and guardianship. What you need to know, is her mother is a missing person, and she and her stepdad had a serious automobile accident and he is in a coma in Texas. She has been through a lot so hopefully everyone can accommodate her for the first bit as she gets settled."

The principal pulls out the documents and scans them. "Oh my. Any behavioral issues we need to be aware of?"

"No, she is a sweet little girl, she just might have days where she seems sad, she did have some surgery in December so we would like her excused from gym for another month or so. She knows us well, we had her all summer, and she is settling in, but any issues we would appreciate a call immediately. We have been talking to her a lot about what happened, and have tried to make sure she is secure in the knowledge she has a permanent home with us. We will leave a list of people who can check her out of school, and it needs to be strictly followed. If her mother were to ever show up, we would not want Susie released to her, she has endangered her daughter in the past."

"Is she likely to come here?"

"No, as far as we are aware, she doesn't even know Susie is in Chicago. It is unlikely she will show up, she has been gone for almost a year now, and if she did, our house would be the first place she would go and everyone in the family is instructed not to divulge any information. John and I are the only ones who should be dealing with my sister Chloe directly."

"Well, we have security here for a reason, Dr. Lewis. Custody cases are not new to us either, sadly it happens more often these days, with the divorce rates being what they are, though your situation is a bit more unique, it is not the first time we have had similar situations. As long as Susie herself is following the school rules, then we are still happy to accommodate her here. Your paperwork is in order, thank you for bringing it with you. When would you like her to start?"

"As soon as possible. We are trying to make her life as normal as we can, and she has been asking when she can start school. We did tell her we needed to see if you had a spot for her." John pulls out his cheque book. "I can write cheques for you today for both the bond and the tuition, and take Susie and get her some uniforms this afternoon or tomorrow."

"Then why don't we start her on Monday? That gives you 3 days to get her outfitted and ready. I will find out the exact amount for tuition and you two can start on the paperwork." She passed a pile of forms over, John took the top one and started on it, while I started on the next one down. By the time the principal returned, we had a lot of it filled out, I finished while John wrote two very large cheques to the school. She has also brought Susie into the office with her. Susie immediately climbs onto Johns lap and puts her arms around him, she looks a little nervous.

The principal smiles and asks Susie a few questions, and she starts to relax a bit. By the time we are done, she is smiling and talking easily with the principal.

Times have changed, last spring I was hyperventilating at the amount of the cheques, now I barely blink as John hands them over to the principal. I have gotten so used to the lifestyle, and being able to buy whatever whenever, it is a little frightening to me. I am grateful though, John and his grandmother are generously paying the tuition for Susie, and that is no small thing. They are both welcoming her into the family with open arms, and I know she will always be loved and taken care of.

"Thank you Dr. Carter, I just need to take copies of her birth records if you have them?"

John pulls out the documents he received from social services and hands them across, the principal copies then returns them to John right away. "Anything else we need to do, or documents you need?"

"I think things are all in order here. Can at least one of you accompany her on Monday morning? I know your nanny Louisa drops off Brooklynn most days, but it would be best if one of you came for Susie's first day."

"Of course, we can arrange that. Thank you."

We shake the principals hand, Susie says a shy good bye and take our leave.

"That was so much easier than I thought it would be." I let out a sigh of relief. Susie is between us, holding each of our hands and skipping slightly.

"I kind of thought they would find us a spot, it is all working out." We walk back to the parking lot, and he opens my door for me. "We have time, we could stop and get your uniforms, Susie."

"Can we?" She seems very excited with the events of the day.

"Absolutely." John has opened her door too, and helps her get settled and buckled into the back seat.

It is after lunch by the time we get home, but we have accomplished a lot today. Susie is smiling ear to ear as she tells Millicent that she gets to start school on Monday, and proudly shows off her new clothes and shoes. John and I relieve Louisa from duty with the twins, she will go and pick up Brooklynn later but until then she has some time off.

After lunch we all walk up to the stables and John lets Susie walk her horse around the arena, we are having her take it easy still, but she loves riding. Once Brooklynn gets home Susie shares her news, and the two are off playing and running around outdoors until dinnertime, then we have some quiet reading and homework time.

The next couple weeks are a blur, we have lawyer visits and get Susie settled in school. She seems very happy and all is going well.

Then we get the call from Texas. Joe has passed away, he suffered a heart attack and as we had decided on a DNR given the amount of damage to his brain, he went quickly and quietly. Susie is distraught when we break the news, it is now close to the end of January and just over a month since the accident.

We pack up everyone, including Louisa, and make the flight out to Texas for the funeral. There is a huge attendance, given he was on the police force he was very well known. We leave the twins at the hotel with Louisa, taking Brooklynn and Susie with us to the service, we want Susie to say good bye to Joe one final time.

John is great with her, she has taken to him much like Brooklynn did, and she barely lets go of his hand the entire time. Brooklynn competes a bit for John's attention, but he seems to notice the conflict and makes a point of giving her a bit more attention, often having one girl clinging to him on one side, and another one on the other.

He is a bit quiet later at the hotel, Louisa has taken the girls down to the pool for a swim, while I feed the twins.

"You okay?"

"What? Oh yeah, I'm fine, I just...I think we need to sit down and have a talk with Brooklynn."

"About what?"

"You didn't notice? We have a little sibling rivalry going on, I think she needs some reassurances here too. It is a huge change for her, she went from being an only child to having three siblings in about two weeks. Kind of big, and we totally missed it, the effect that it would have on her. We think its big to suddenly have 4 kids, well, its a major deal to have two sisters and a brother just as quickly, when you're five."

I frown, and realize, he is right. We have been so wrapped up in everything with Susie, and having two new babies in the house, everything with Brooklynn has been on autopilot. Not to say we haven't spent time with her, we have, and we do, but we are going to have to be careful. "Mmmm, you're right, John, we have to be careful here. The balance has shifted, over the summer we just had the two girls, now with the twins, wow, this is a whole new thing."

"And it's permanent, not just for a couple months where she is going to be going home and Brooklynn is back to being an only child again. We've changed everything in a few months, where we live, getting married, and having the twins and bringing Susie to live with us. That is huge and this trip has really made me see it. Brooklynn is all over me, competing with Susie for attention and we have to find a way to deal with it that will be positive for both girls."

We stay for a few days in order to sign a few papers and finalize a few issues. Joe did get the divorce through during Chloe's absence, and he has left everything to Susie. We give the lawyer handling the estate the information for our lawyer in Chicago, we want to go home, so after the house is packed up and we have retrieved the few personal items we think Susie might want, we leave the sale of the house and contents to his lawyer and executor. The proceeds of the sale will all be placed in trust for Susie, and she will get some benefits from the police department. John decides that this should all go into an investment account, once Susie is of legal age the funds will all be waiting for her. We don't need the money to help support her, so we opt to leave it all for her when she is older.

During these few days, we try to tag team with the girls, and it seems to be working well. We are both suddenly more aware, it is a wake up call. We have the ability and resources to raise 4 kids, but there is a learning curve for us too. Brooklynn is less clingy by the end of our time in Texas, so I think we are on the right track.

February rolls around and John and I arrange a night away, just the two of us. We haven't been able to do this for months, not since the night at the Langham, so it is pretty special to have my husband all to myself. He takes me for dinner and orders us some nice wine, I haven't had a drink in so long – the last time was probably the few sips of champagne I had when we got married. With no forethought, we check ourselves into a hotel, we have been surrounded by kids and people for the last two months and we just need the time alone.

I am laying with his arms around me in the large bed trying to catch my breath. "I missed this, the other drawback of having babies, no sex for weeks." My doctor has cleared me to resume our intimate relationship now that the babies are a couple months old, and I am happy we have this time just the two of us.

"Mmmm, me too, but every couple goes through that, it's just part of having babies. I thought most women don't want to anyway, not for the first while." He drops a kiss in my hair.

"No, we don't, if you squeezed two babies out in one day, after carrying them around for 9 months, you wouldn't be in a hurry either."

John gives a soft laugh. "I suppose not, I've seen women give birth enough times now, so, yeah, I understand. I missed it, though, and tonight was amazing. I think we need to start date night soon, 4 kids…wow, I never pictured myself with 4 kids, and we need to keep us on track too. We are going to have to work at this a bit, you know that right?"

I tip my chin up and kiss him. It has become very clear to me, especially after Texas, even with a nanny it is going to be challenging. We like to be fully involved with our kids every day, not just hand them off at every opportunity. "I do know that, we both know what we need to do. You have been really great, John. It's like nothing really phases you, you are so calm and collected, and taken Susie in just like your own child. I think we are doing just fine, but I won't say no to date night with my husband. Tricky, we have to work around your schedule at the hospital, but we will manage. So how often are we doing date night?"

"I'd like once a week, ten days at the most, and we don't have to stay at a hotel all the time, just make sure we go out for a few hours alone. Catch a movie, go for lunch or dinner, for a sail on the lake, I don't care what we do, whether we go out during the day or night, as long as we have time to connect, just the two of us. With shifts it's harder but I am 4 on 3 off right now, so when I'm off we can schedule some time. So, do you want to look at the kids calendar, Louisa's schedule, my schedule and pick a couple days over the next two weeks? Boy that sounds complicated doesn't it?"

"I can do that. We also need to work some time for our friends in too. It would be fun to get out with some other couples, even if that includes the kids. You know, Riley is the same age as the twins, and Alysha is about the same age as the girls, and the adults all get along, so we should work out some dates for dinner or other activities where we can all go."

"Great, I love that idea. Why don't you call Tiff and Angie, see what you can coordinate. Sorry to drop it on you, but you probably have a bit more time right now, with the girls in school during the week, is that okay?"

"Sure, I don't mind, John. You are still working long hours, studying the surgical stuff and trying to spend as much time as you can with 4 kids, that is a lot to manage. You're doing great, but you still need time to sleep, and make love to your wife." I give him a little smile and he laughs.

"Yeah, just don't start scheduling that, please. That is the worst things ever, when people start to schedule when they are going to have sex with their spouse. That just seems like a lot of effort when it's supposed to be enjoyable, can you imagine? Let's keep things a little more spontaneous, no, a _lot_ more spontaneous, okay?"

I laugh. "No problem, I don't like the idea either. You know, I think we can manage fine, remember how I used to crawl into bed and wake you up when I got off shift?"

"Ah, yeah, that was pretty great, though of course I was off for the summer. You want me to wake you up in the middle of the night when I get home?"

"Not every night, but yes, actually, if you want to that is, we don't want or need to plan it. Or before you go to work, or maybe I'll wake you up during the daytime if you are working nights."

"Just lock our door first, don't want the maid walking in on us, or worse, one of the kids."

"Well, they will probably be at school, but, I hear you, lock the door."

"That is why we should stay in town once in a while, no need to be quiet, no interruptions, just the two of us."

"I never thought it would matter, but I agree, like today we just checked into a hotel, no planning and it was so great, spontaneous, like you said. I like that idea, keep it interesting."

"Hmmmmm, you want to keep it interesting, I can work with that." He has a little gleam in his eyes, and I wonder what he is thinking.

"Oh, oh, now I'm in trouble."

He pulls me into his arms and buries his face in my neck, giving me those soft little kisses that I love. "Never." He whispers against my skin.

I wake up several hours later, and I am warm and snug in John's arms. I squint over at the clock, realizing how late it is. He doesn't have to work, but we do have to go home so I shake him awake. "John, we should go home."

"Mmmm, what? What time is it?"

"It's 2 am."

He sits up. "Oh, we both fell asleep. Okay, get dressed, and we'll go." He rubs his face then starts pulling on clothes as he finds them scattered across the floor. He tosses me a few items as he goes.

I start to giggle. "Kind of like a couple of teenagers past curfew." I start pulling on clothes.

"Yeah, weird huh? Are we going to get in trouble when we get home? Staying out all hours?" He laughs too.

"Someone might not be too happy if they have a couple screaming babies to deal with, we really need to go home, they'll need food. I left a couple bottles, but they might be gone by now."

John gets us home in record time and we tiptoe in, and all is quiet. The babies are asleep in their bassinets so I guess we are okay.


	37. Chapter 37

Valentine's Day is coming up again, this year I'm  prepared, though John isn't big on celebrating the actual day. We've never discussed this in detail, but I imagine he has a hard time celebrating a day when he lost a friend and colleague, and almost died himself, I know I may never feel the same about Valentine's either. He doesn't want to explain to everyone who doesn't know the history, so we do our own form of celebrating our relationship and then he arranges to switch shifts with Rachel, as she really wants the day off to go out with Mike. John is back in the ER on a regular basis now, his rotation with Keaton is finished, and he and Peter are working on their study.

I have a chance to go for coffee with Rachel, she has still withdrawn and we've drifted apart as I've been off work since September. I leave the twins at home, I still wonder if part of the issue is John and I are so happy with our growing family while she's desperately unhappy.

"Susan, you're looking great. It's good to see you, sorry I haven't felt much like going out."

"Everything okay?"

She shakes her head. "Mike is being weird again, but we have a date night set for Valentines. John took my shift. Doesn't that bother you? Your husband making other plans for Valentines and working instead of taking you out?"

"Not at all. We have a date planned for the 12th, we do our romantic thing on another day, and I thought it was nice of him to switch so you could go out and have your night with Mike."

"Wow, pretty understanding, aren't you? I mean, doesn't it make you suspicious how he'd _want_ to work on Valentines Day?" She gives me a funny look. "Like, maybe he has something going with someone? Men can feel ignored by their wives after they have a baby, they get... tempted to stray."

"No, I'm certain that's not it, Rachel, he has a reason, and it isn't about another woman. And he isn't feeling ignored."

"Well, you know that surgeon Keaton is working too, they seem pretty close, she's supposedly _single and_ she offers to work the holidays to let people with families have the day off. _She_  takes interest in John. Like that surgical rotation, she insisted he be on her team. And I heard today that Rosen is trying to get her to stay on permanently and she's considering staying."

"Rosen put him on that list, and he's friends with Keaton. I told you, he knew her at County. If she were to stay, it would be a career move her, it's not about John."

"Well, still, I think it's weird he offered, I didn't ask him, he should be taking you out on Valentines, not working. I should have said no, so he would be home with you. Keep an eye on him, Susan, after a baby is when men cheat."

I shake my head. "Rachel, it's not weird, he told me he was going to offer, he doesn't celebrate Valentines on the 14th and he never will, so he thought he would offer to work for someone who really wanted the day off. He's being nice, not trying to set up some tryst with another woman." I sigh, I don't want to tell her the real reason, she's wearing me out. "Anyway, why do you think Mike is being weird?" I try to change the subject.

"Well, you know he agreed to try for a baby, but it's still not happening. I've tried to talk to him about it, and... he asked me why I even wanted to have a baby. After all my work to become a doctor, why would I even want to put myself through it, with my shifts and stuff. I told him lots of doctors have families, and I brought up that you and John have 4 now, and he flipped out. Told me for you it's easy, with the nanny and of course John works shifts as well, so it doesn't all fall to one of you. And that John is crazy for allowing it. I am starting to think he really doesn't want a family." She looks distressed.

"Oh, I'm sorry Rachel, have you asked him? It seems like he is bothered about something." I bite my tongue about the comment that John is crazy for _allowing it_. 

"Talking to him lately is frustrating. I don't understand, really, when we got married, I thought he wanted the same things, but now, I just don't know. I mean, you and John have been back together for less than two years, and you've added onto your family, he's adopting your niece even. Mike and I have been together for over 6 years, and he doesn't even want one small baby."

"You can't compare Mike to John, they are very different personalities. Lots of men want the family, the whole works, and John happens to be one of them. I don't know about Mike, I haven't spent enough time with him. Have you thought about talking to a therapist? Get some help talking to Mike? Maybe there's something else going on with him. Having kids is huge, Rachel, believe me, even with how terrific John is, it's a lot of work. We have to work at our marriage every day, we talk, we're having regular date nights to make sure our relationship stays on track."

"John just seems so perfect, almost too perfect, I guess that's why I get so suspicious when he does things like offering to work for me. Because if Mike was doing stuff like that, I would know he was cheating." A single tear runs down her face. "Maybe he is, I don't know."

"Oh Rachel, first of all, John is far from perfect, he has his faults and so do I. But I love him and he loves me, so we communicate, we discuss and we forgive each other. About Mike though, why would you think he was cheating?"

"No reason, really, just a feeling I get, maybe that's why he doesn't want a baby. Our love life is almost non existent. I'm sure you know what I mean, you've just had twins, you have four kids, you and John can't have much of a love life now."

I'm not sure what to say to that, she is so very wrong, we picked up our love life quite nicely. "I think you need to talk to him, Rachel, you seem very upset and it's important to communicate. John and I learned that quickly, so we're pretty open and honest with each other now, and we do have a love life, that's what the date nights are about, making sure we have time for each other. Even if we just go for a walk along the lake, or to a movie, or out for a burger, we make the time and we talk things out. Our relationship hasn't been perfect by any stretch, we had some rough spots, and I'm sure we will again. Talk to Mike, if he can't or won't, the do you know any of his friends well enough to ask them if they've noticed anything?"

"No, it seems like we don't go out and do couple things, one of us is always at work, or he is out with the guys, but I never really know who." She sniffles. "You're right, I need to talk to him. Thanks, I'll try, even if I don't want to hear what he has to say, it's got to better than wondering."

We finish our coffee, Rachel dries her tears and I walk her back to the ER. I hope she can resolve things with Mike, it looks like John was right on target with his comments, the guy does not seem to want kids.

John and I go out on the 12th, our special date night. I dress carefully, wearing some new sexy lingerie, if nothing else my conversation with Rachel reinforced the need for John and I to keep the romance alive in our marriage.

I went to visit Anne at that fancy dress shop and she helped me pick a beautiful dress to wear, that minimizes the fact that I still have a long way to go to get back to pre baby weight. A lot of the stuff I was able to wear last year just doesn't fit right now and it is frustrating. My chest is full and voluptuous, that part is just fine with me, but I can't wait until I can get my waist size back down. I check out my reflection in the mirror and sigh, I want to look good for John, and I hope I have succeeded. I wear the beautiful sapphire and diamond set he bought me for my wedding gift, I haven't had a lot of opportunity to show them off.

I leave one package on the bed for John, with a little note to open as he gets dressed for our evening out. The other I tuck into my clutch for him to open at the restaurant.

John arrives home after work with two dozen red roses, along with a box of very expensive handmade chocolates. They are my favourite, I love him for it. He also has a couple small gift boxes for the girls, I think it is cute that he buys the kids Valentines gifts as well, though he didn't get anything for the twins as they are so little they wouldn't notice anyway. Those two have so much stuff, I don't even know what he would get them, they are well set for at least a year.

"Wow, Susan, you look so beautiful." He gives me a hug and kiss, he looks appreciative of the effort I have made, and it makes me feel so much better. He straightens my necklace with a little smile, then heads upstairs to get showered and changed. I put my flowers in a crystal vase while I wait, and Corinne offers to take them up to our room after we leave, as John is getting ready in our suite. He comes down soon afterwards, looking handsome in Hugo Boss, wearing one of his expensive watches. He hugs the girls and gives the babies kisses, then he helps me with my coat and we head out into the snowy night, the limo is already waiting.

We arrive at a very fancy restaurant, and are whisked back to our table, right by the fireplace. The meal is fabulous, 5 course of sinfully delicious food, exquisite wine and chocolate soufflé for dessert. We are enjoying our evening immensely, as usual we can always find something to talk about. For now I am avoiding the topic of Mike and Rachel, this is our night, and I want it to be all about us, not about Rachel's worries.

After dessert, we have coffee and he pulls out a flat box, wrapped with a lovely bow on top. I pull out my gift for him and place it in front of him. "You first, I already got flowers and chocolates, you haven't received a gift yet, so you get to unwrap first."

He smiles and winks "Well, I found something on the bed for me, and I did unwrap it, so that's not entirely true, but, okay, I'll go anyways." He undoes the bow, unwrapping a new watch I bought for him to wear to work. It is not nearly as fancy or expensive as his other watches, but it is quite a bit nicer than the one he wears to work now, and perfect for what he needs when he is at the hospital

"I know you have fancy watches for when we go out, but this one is for work."

"Thank you, it's perfect." He leans across and gives me a kiss. He takes off the one he is wearing and tucks it into an inner pocket up his jacket, putting on his new one. "It looks good, I was thinking about getting a new watch for work. The one I have is about done, the hospital is a bit rough on watches. I almost hate to wear this one, I hope it's waterproof."

"It is, and I bought it specifically for you to wear in the ER, so just enjoy it." It does look good on him, he looks happy with it.

"Your turn." He places the box in front of me.

I slowly undo the bow, not quite sure what I am going to find. More jewellery? But the box is not the customary plush ones that he has always presented when he gives me jewellery. I open the box and inside are tickets. Airline tickets. I look over at him inquiringly then flip one open. First class tickets to Paris, in May. "John, are you serious? Paris? I have always wanted to go to Paris."

"Of course, I told you we would go on a proper honeymoon in the spring, we decided on Paris, didn't we? You didn't think I would forget my promise did you?"

"Yes, we did agree on Paris. Wow, we're going to Paris?" I am almost hopping with excitement, that he actually has booked a trip for us. "How long, and…what are we going to do with the kids." A wave of sadness hits me. "I'm still feeding the twins, and I want to continue for a while, how can we leave them?"

"All worked out, don't worry. We have 10 days, and I figured we'll bring the twins. We will take Louisa so we can go out just the two of us on occasion while we are there. I know you are not quite ready to be apart from them for that long, and truthfully, neither am I. That week I was away with Susie was really difficult. We will get someone during our trip take care of Brooklynn and Susie outside of school hours. Does that sound okay? We will have a 3 bedroom apartment, full kitchen, close in to everything."

"Really? That sounds wonderful." Of course, he is a detail guy, he thinks of everything. "Is everyone okay with that?"

"Yes, I talked to Louisa and Gamma before I booked the trip. Louisa is kind of excited, she has never been to Paris either, and she will have some free time to do what she wants too. We can take the twins out with us, depending on what we are doing, but I also wanted you to experience Paris without having babies clinging to you non-stop. " He gives me a little grin. "And I kind of added 3 days in London, so we will be in Paris 7 days, which gives us tons of time, we should be able to see quite a bit. We'll miss the girls of course, but they are in school all day, and older so they don't need us the same way. Gamma will make sure they are properly taken care of while we are gone, no worries."

"Thank you, this is an amazing gift." I have a huge smile on my face, London and Paris I can't quite believe it.

John pays the bill, and we are off to the theater, where we see a wonderful Broadway show that is currently on tour. By the time we head home, I am in heaven, it has been a wonderful date night. Once we get home I relieve Louisa from duty with the twins, who are sleeping peacefully in their cribs, we have moved them into their own room now.

She gives me a big smile when she sees the unwrapped box in my hands. "He gave you your present?"

"He did, I am so excited, I have never been to London or Paris, and I hear you are going to accompany us and take care of the twins while we are there."

"I am, I was thrilled to be asked to come, I know it is work, but to hang out in London and Paris for almost two weeks with the babies will be so great. You won't have to worry about a thing, you can leave them with me as much as you like."

"Thanks Louisa, I am glad you agreed, it will be so fabulous to not worry about them while we are out. I am not quite ready to leave them for 10 days, so this will be perfect."

She departs for the evening, and I retire to our suite. John appears shortly afterwards. "I looked in on the girls, they are both fast asleep and so are the twins." He has already removed his jacket and tie, and the top buttons of his shirt are undone. He takes off his cufflinks and drops them in a compartment in one of his drawers then comes over to me, wrapping his arms around me.

"Thank you, this has been such a terrific night. Paris, wow I can't wait." I slide my arms around his neck and brush his lips with mine. He deepens the kiss, and we take our time savouring the moment, then undressing each other slowly. He likes the lingerie I am wearing, and I smile when I get his pants off him. "You wore them."

"Of course, they are pretty nice, very soft and comfortable, thank you, I love them." He is always buying me little things, and he loves his boxers, so I found some very soft and high quality designer ones while I was out shopping one day. This was the gift I had left for him on the bed, hoping he would wear them, and he did.

"You are a hard guy to buy for, you have…well everything."

"I sure do, a beautiful wife that I love, great kids, a happy home. I have more than I ever imagined I could have, I am the luckiest guy on the planet."

This makes me tear up a bit, that is not really what I meant, but he knows that, he just wants me to know he appreciates the things that are not material. I remember his comment, that if it was all gone tomorrow and he had just me and our family, he would still be entirely happy. "I love you so much."

"I love you too.'

He makes love to me like we have all the time in world, and maybe we do, we have all night at the very least. He is passionate, sweet, loving and gentle in a unique blend that is just Carter. I let him wrap me in his arms and the world around us disappears.

"Mmmm, that was fabulous." I burrow under the covers, as close as possible to him and we just embrace each other for a while. This is still part of what I love about him, he is a cuddly, and enjoys the physical contact as much as I do.

"It certainly was." He drops a light kiss on my hair and sighs in contentment.

I finally have to get up, and I am searching around for a robe, finally locating John's dress shirt. I self-consciously slip it on trying not to let him see too much of me as I do. I can feel him watching me, but he says nothing. When I come back he pulls me on top of the soft bed, kisses me, then slowly works to undo the buttons of the shirt I am wearing. Before he has a chance to push open the shirt I grab his hand and stop him.

"Don't." I say this softly. I know its irrational, we just made love, he's seen it before, but I still am very conscious of my body, the imperfections, the extra weight I am still carrying.

"Why not?" I have a feeling he already knows what I am thinking, but he waits me out, he looks so…serious.

"You know why, John."

"No, I don't, tell me."

I sigh. "You're going to make me do this?" He nods and raises an eyebrow. "I'm still so…out of shape, you know, from the babies."

"And you think that matters to me? You look beautiful Susan." He slides the covers down a bit and take my hand, running it down his stomach, then across his back, where he still has noticeable scars. "Do these bother you?"

I shake my head and look at him. "No, of course not, they never have, it doesn't change who you are or that I love you."

"Well, the same applies, I love you the way you are, you gave me two sweet little babies, less than 3 months ago, of course you don't look exactly the same, but I don't care." His voice is soft, warm and I gaze into his eyes. He kisses me, then gently pushes open one side of the shirt, brushing his hand down my skin so softly. I relax and wrap a hand around the back of his neck, pulling his lips down to meet mine, opening my mouth, drawing him in. I trail the fingers of my other hand down his back, stroking his smooth warm skin. He props himself up slightly, this time I let him push open the shirt, exposing me fully to his gaze. "You are beautiful, I love you, nothing will ever change that."

I seriously love this guy, how could I not, he has accepted and loved me through a lot of changes, soothes my insecurities. I enfold him in my arms, I don't ever want to let him go. I appreciate him even more after hearing Rachel complain about Mike. This relationship has been work at times, but it is so worth it.

We are both awake early the next morning, the twins are crying for me, so we both drag ourselves out of bed, John changes Aiden, then hands him to me. I sit down to feed him, John changes Hailey then rocks her in the second chair, getting her to calm down for a few minutes, until she can have her turn.

Susie and Brooklynn are up and dressed for school, they come in and give us all hugs and kisses before Louisa drives in. Susie has adjusted quite well, and the jealousy thing with Brooklynn has worked itself out, for now anyway. John in particular is making sure she has time with just him regularly, it is tougher for me to accommodate this, but once the babies are a little older I will have more time.

The girls have just left when the phone rings, and John picks it up. He listens intently for a minute. "Really? That's great. What's the date? Yes, I'll call work right away to make sure I can have the time off. Thank you."

He clicks the phone off, then turns to me with a big smile. "We have a date to meet with the judge at the courthouse next week. They have all the paperwork and are ready to proceed with the adoption, Justin is couriering the papers so we can read through them, then we just need to sign them and send them back to his office. We are really close."

He picks up the phone and dials quickly. "Peter, yeah, it's me. We have a court date for the adoption." He pauses, listening to Peter, then gives him the date and time. "That would be terrific. Thanks Peter." He hangs up. "Peter is going to make sure I have the day off so we can deal with the adoption stuff, and I'll make up the day later."

I give him a big smile. "That went fast, about 6 weeks? So the meeting with Judge Stone...does that make it final?"

"It does, they will sign the final decree for us at that meeting if they have our signed paperwork. We need to bring Susie with us."

I am relieved, and excited. The whole thing has gone smoothly, Susie is happy in school, she is making new friends, she appears to be settling into our lives easily.

When the girls get home from school, we sit them down to share the news.

"Looks like the judge is going to agree to let us adopt you, and we have a meeting with her next week. We will have you come with us that day, okay?"

Susie nods. "So I have to see a judge? Are they nice?"

I smile. "I am sure she will be very nice, remember we met her before? I think she is happy you are coming to live with us."

"I am too. So that means I will be Susie Carter, right?"

I throw a quick look at John, who raises an eyebrow, a bit surprised. Neither of us had planned on changing her name, I thought she was going to remain Susie Lewis. "Hmmm, well, do you want to be Susie Carter? Or Susie Lewis? My last name is still Lewis, even though Uncle John and I are married."

She tilts her head. "But Brooklynn, Hailey and Aiden all have the last name Carter. I want the same name as them."

I shoot another look at John, he nods at me slightly. I take a deep breath, really this is a small matter, but I hadn't imagined that she would ever want to change her name. "That is what you really want?"

She nods emphatically. "Yes, I want to be Susie Sophia Carter, it will make Brooklynn and me sisters."

"Well, you know you will be her sister, no matter what your last name is, Susie."

"So I don't get to have my last name be Carter?" She looks very sad, almost teary.

John sits down across from her. "You know, if you really want to change your name, we can do that. We just want to make sure you understand that your last name being Lewis wouldn't change the fact you are part of the family. Susan is part of the family, and her name is Lewis. You can think about it for a bit if you want, and let us know if you want to be Lewis or Carter."

"I've thought about it, I want my last name to be Carter."

John looks at me inquiringly, and I nod at him. "We will talk to the judge about changing your name, okay? If that is what you want, then...yes, we will change your last name."

Susie hops up and hugs me tightly. "Thank you." She turns and gives John a big hug as well. We send the girls off to get cleaned up for dinner.

"Wow, I didn't see that coming, did you?" I am surprised at how much such a small detail seems to mean to Susie.

John shakes his head. "Nope, but I guess we will run into things we didn't think of, right? If it's that important to her, and makes her feel comfortable, that she is more like our other kids, then it's fine with me. Just like you had the choice with your last name, she has the choice with hers."

"Just wait, next thing she'll be calling you daddy." I tease lightly.

John laughs. "Well, she never called Joe daddy, she just called him Joe, so I expect she will just call me John. But, whatever, if she has that comfort level to start calling us mommy and daddy, then I think we just go with it. She has had a pretty rough year, I want her to feel like she belongs with us. You never know, if she wants to be like Brooklynn, don't be surprised if she calls you mommy when you least expect it."

"She does belong with us, John, otherwise we wouldn't be doing this, it's a big deal what we are doing, it changes all of our lives. It would be strange to have her call me mommy, but you're right, if she does, we go with it. After all, we are legally making her our daughter"

"I know, Susan, you're right, it is a big deal, but I am still glad we are doing it." He pulls me into his arms and gives me a warm hug.


	38. Chapter 38

The girls are in school and I am meeting Tiffany for a walk along the lakeshore. Tiffany and I have the babies in strollers, I have a terrific double jogging style one that works great for this time of the year. I'm trying to get back in shape before we go on our trip, I want to do this for me, but I also want to do this for John too. I have started working out every morning in the home gym John set up in the garage space, and we have started walking as a group as the weather is getting warmer and the walkways less icy. Usually Angela is with us but today she has an appointment, she is due in April.

Corinne has been marvellous as well, I've requested meals that are not too heavy on the carbs, and she is producing delicious and super healthy snacks and meals for me. Even in just a few days I can feel the difference, I have so much more energy and feel like I've weight.

"Wow, you look great Susan." Tiffany speeds along beside me, looking pretty fabulous herself.

"Thanks, you look good too. I've been trying to work out regularly, did you hear that John is taking me to Paris in May? Need to be ready for all the walking, he said you don't bother renting a car in Paris."

"No, you don't, you would spend all your time dealing with traffic and finding a spot to park, and you can order a car service if you need for nights out. Lucky girl, Paris, I want to get back to Paris someday soon."

"Our belated honeymoon, he was going to take me in the fall but I wasn't allowed to travel after September, so we had to wait. Anyway, I want to be in decent shape so I can really enjoy the trip. And though John has been wonderful, it is kind of for him too. He never complains about anything, it's amazing, he is so good with the babies, even with shifts he gets up and helps with them if he's home. I like to look good and the energy I have now is incredible, just by eating better."

Tiffany smiles, "Jim doesn't complain either, he is so great with Riley, always helping too. I guess we are just two very lucky ladies."

"You can say that again, I always hear about the husbands who leave the majority of the child care to the mom, glad I didn't marry one of those." I grin, "And we have started date nights, keeping things... spontaneous, I must say that lingerie is coming in handy, John quite likes that lacy, silky stuff. I've been told men can feel a little neglected, so I'm making sure that doesn't happen."

She laughs. "I'm not surprised, most men like that lacy stuff, Jim sure does. It's really nice to still feel loved and desired, even after having a baby, isn't it? I think it works both ways, we ladies can _feel_ less attractive afterwards too. It ends up being a vicious circle, or so I've heard. Jim and I are not having that problem either." I find this a bit amazing , that the gorgeous Tiffany was feeling that way too.

"Exactly, I felt that way a bit, everything shifts and just, isn't the same. John is pretty sweet and understanding though, he doesn't expect me to be perfect, though oddly it makes me want to work harder to get back in shape. I feel a little spoiled, I have lots of time to work out, so much is done around the house, my job is concentrating on the kids right now. Of course I'll go back to work in the fall, but the twins will be about a year old then."

"I know, I've really gotten used to it too, we didn't have as much staff at home as the Davis family does, or the amount John grew up with either. It is kind of nice though, way more time for everything else. Jim and I are having date nights too, and it has been wonderful. It was great getting together with everyone the other night too. Keeping in touch with friends is super important for everyone's sanity. I am so glad John married you, Susan, I liked you from the first day we met, you are perfect for him, I don't know if I have ever seen him so happy, as when he is with you."

I am touched by this comment. "Thanks Tiffany, I think John and I were just meant to be, look how it's worked out. It sure is nice to have a great group of friends too. It is so hard to keep in touch with people when you work the crazy hours, I am glad John reconnected with the four of you. You have all been great, and I'm happy I can count you all as my friends too."

"It's exciting that our kids our going to grow up together, and Angie will soon be joining our new baby club too. So, it's great you and John are getting your honeymoon finally. I know he'd done some planning, then when you found out about the twins, he decided to wait. This will be great though, Jim said you two were taking the twins and the nanny. I can see why, I wouldn't be ready to leave Riley either. You will love it there."

"Aside from our trip to the Caribbean this summer, I've never really been anywhere, so I'm excited. Knowing John, every little detail will be taken care of, just like when we got married. I couldn't believe how well he organized all that, and I have to thank you again for helping him. I know it will be hard to leave the girls, but they will be well taken care of, Millicent will be home and we are getting a little extra help to get them to and from school."

"How's the adoption stuff going? Will that all be done before you go?"

"We had great news the other day, we are seeing the judge on Wednesday, we have to take Susie with us, and it should be finalized. John really got the lawyer going after Christmas, here it's only February and it's almost done. I can't believe he suggested we do it, but I am glad he did. I might have gotten there at some point too, but he was on it right away. He's seen my sister at her worst, he came to New York to be with me while they looked for them last year too. He was in the room when Susie was born even."

Tiffany smiles. "I'm not surprised at all that he suggested it. You two can offer Susie a life your sister will never be able to. After whole New York thing, and with her step dad dying, that little girl needs you both, and he knows it. Despite being incredibly wealthy, his life hasn't always been that easy, he had his grandparents thankfully, but his parents were hardly ever around. His grandfather was never terribly warm, but at least they rescued him from his parent's house. He understands her situation a little too well, in my opinion, and he knows he can make a difference in her life."

"He does understand, he told me he could relate to her, with his parents absent so often when he needed them. Even now they are not around a lot, it took them three weeks to come back to Chicago after he almost died. I guess Chase's parents didn't bother coming back either when he overdosed, John and his grandparents were the ones making all the health care decisions. I will never understand his family, his mother hasn't contacted him in over a year, doesn't even seem to care that she has grand kids."

"She was always very cold and selfish, John turned out so warm and compassionate, it's hard to believe they're even related. Be happy she's absent, Susan, she would make your life a living hell. She made John's life hell when she bothered to be around. I am lucky, my in laws are gems, wonderful people. John knows them well too, he spent a lot of time with them when he was a teenager. Jim, Ryan and John were super close, I mean they got along with everyone, but the three of them, and Chase to an extent were pretty tight. Anyway, I'm glad to hear the adoption is coming up on completion, that it will be done before you go away."

"Me too, it's almost a year now since Chloe disappeared. Who knows if or when she'll show up, but now we can keep Susie safe. You know what was most surprising?"

"What?"

"Susie asked us to change her last name to Carter."

Tiffany glances over at me. "Really? Did she say why?"

"She wants to be like the other kids in our family, have the same last name, so the lawyer has started the paperwork to make the change with the adoption. I didn't change my name for professional reasons. John and I work in the same ER and when someone yells for Dr. Carter, we didn't want to be wondering which one, sometimes it's life or death, literally. Otherwise, I may very well be a Carter too."

"Ah, makes sense. I don't think John minds, though I think he kind of likes the fact that the kids are all Carter."

"Oh he does, I can tell. I think secretly he likes the fact that Susie wants to change her name too, kind of like she has fully accepted him by choosing his name. We just decided whatever makes this easiest for her, we are going to accommodate, within reason of course."

"But how do you feel about it." Tiffany lifts a brow at me. "I mean, she's blood related to you, not John, yet she wants his name."

"At first I was disappointed, but John said something to Susie, basically that it doesn't matter what her last name is, she would still be part of the family. He has fully accepted and welcomed her into his life, he is paying tuition so she can go to school with Brooklynn, he is making sure he treats both girls equally. That is a pretty big deal."

"Maybe, but of course he would do that, he wouldn't even offer to adopt her if he wasn't going to welcome her fully. He can afford the school, he can send all of your kids there without even making a dent in the family fortune."

"I know, I sure could not afford to send her to that school, never in a million years. If I hadn't gotten back together with John, Brooklynn would have just been going to the closest public school. Not the end of the world, but now she has so many more opportunities. She is continuing her riding lessons, taking a dance class, and she wants to start music. Susie is now doing all of these things too, I don't think she got to do much back in Texas."

"Not to mention all the activities they have at the school, and John mentioned maybe sailing lessons for everyone this summer. Jim is super excited about that, he wants to go with John and take the girls out sailing once the weather warms up."

"John did talk to me about that, we found a summer program for the girls that includes sailing. And Millicent is incredibly supportive too, so I know all of our kids will have the same opportunities. Anyway, I realized that I shouldn't put so much importance onto the name, she is going to legally be _our_ daughter. John's daughter as much as mine. John will always make sure she is taken care of, it is what she wants, and he is willing to let her take his name, so I'm going with it. When she was a baby, I almost adopted her, you know, the first time Chloe abandoned her."

"John did tell us that, but that Chloe came back before it went through."

"Right, she did, and I was forced to give Susie up. I love my sister, but she has not proven to be a good mother, she has always been irresponsible, John saw enough of her to know that it will probably happen again, and now she doesn't have Joe. I think he was one of the main reasons she stayed clean for so long, and now he's gone. So, we are pretty excited this is almost done, Susie will have us no matter what, and if Chloe gets her act together she can still be part of her daughters life."

"I have my fingers crossed for you, I hope it all goes smoothly on Wednesday."

We finish our walk and go our separate ways after a quick hug. Tiffany has quickly become one of my best friends.

I make a quick stop at County, everyone there has been bugging me to bring the babies by again. Chuney and Haleh each take one and fuss over them like crazy.

"These are just the sweetest little babies, they have grown so much." Haleh gives Aiden final cuddle before she has to race into a trauma.

Jing-Mei sees me and waves with a big smile. "Susan, if you have a few minutes, hang out in the lounge, I'll be done in about 10 and I'd love to see the twins for a few minutes."

"Sure, come in when you're done." I head into the lounge and decide I should do a quick change and feeding for both, they will be ready to eat soon. No point in having two cranky hungry babies for the drive home. I put Aiden in the stroller and then start with Hailey. I am nicely settled when Abby comes in to get something from her locker.

"Susan, I didn't know you were here, is Carter with you?" She looks around the room, her eyes falling on the double stroller.

"No, he's working today, I was just nearby meeting a friend, so I figured I would stop in and say hi. How is everything?"

"Oh, fine I guess." She peers into the stroller at Aiden but makes no move to pick him up. "They are getting big."

"Yes, they are doing really well, growing fast. Hard to believe it is almost the end of February, and they are already almost 3 months old."

"Hmmm, yeah, must be nice having the time off. You've got Carter nicely wrapped around your finger, don't you. He said you are taking a full year to be home with them." She sounds…..annoyed.

"I am taking a year off. What do you mean, though, wrapped around my finger?" I am curious about this comment.

"Well, come on Susan, you come back to Chicago after 5 years, with the _daughter_ you didn't tell him about? If she is even his to start with, I told him he should do DNA testing but he refused." She slams her locker shut. "Next thing I know you've moved in with him, you're pregnant again? Now he's adopting your niece? Kind of convenient, for you anyway."

"Convenient?" I frown. "And you think that I would lie to him about Brooklynn? He could DNA test if he wants, but John knows she's his child, he doesn't doubt it why would you? Why don't you just say what you're thinking, Abby, let it out."

"What, that he's rich and you come back and suddenly you have everything you could ever dream of? Having another couple kids with him just seals the deal, right? Then you can get your niece in on the good fortune, you always wanted to adopt her from what I hear, and now he's supporting both of you. Like I said, convenient for you, though maybe not so much for him. Not a bad plan, though, have to hand it to you.

"Wow, really? That is what you think? I'm not with him for his money, Abby, it may surprise you to learn that I actually love the guy. I have for a long time, he makes me happy, and I think I make him happy."

"And you just keep 'accidentally' having his kids? You're both doctors and yet you still managed to get pregnant 5 years ago, which seemed like a total surprise to him when you showed up with his kid. So just how _did_ that happen, Susan? On purpose maybe?"

I shake my head. "Not really your business, but no, not on purpose. He and I both know the circumstances and that is what matters. He obviously hasn't shared with you, and I'm not going to either, it's private, between John and I. Though he has never doubted for a minute that she is his daughter and that should tell you something. He knows exactly when and how, so don't even start on that track."

"Private, sure. That's why he was so pissed off at you when he found out? He knows how it happened? Right. Just like these two little babies that everyone seems so enamoured with, you didn't conveniently get pregnant to make sure he would feel obligated to stay with you? Must have been an exciting bonus to realize you were having twins, since that really ties him in."

"Think what you like, but I don't know how you can assume or judge, Abby. I am not going to discuss our personal and private decisions with you, it's none of your business. You acted all supportive about our relationship before, now suddenly you are going on about ulterior motives, and doubting whether Brooklynn is his child. What has changed? Or have you been pretending?" I know I have hit the target by the look on her face.

"I've never thought you were right for him. It was one thing when you showed up with a daughter, after 5 years, who may or may not be his. But suddenly you're pregnant again? And then with no warning he just marries you, out of the blue, no doubt his family pressured him into it, don't mistake his need to take care of his kids with love. Doesn't look good does it, 3 kids without marriage for a member of one of the most prominent families in Chicago. I would bet in the next year he is going to be regretting everything, the two of you can't possibly last, and I have to wait around to pick up the pieces. You should stop the adoption, hasn't he taken enough responsibility on, with the three children he is accepting as his? Leave him now, contain the damage." She stops suddenly, maybe realizing how much she has just said.

I rub Hailey's back, then lay her down by her brother, picking him up for his turn. I am surprisingly calm, though inside I am livid, but I keep it in check. There is only a slight shake to my voice, betraying how angry I am. "Leave him? Are you crazy? That is just not going to happen. I suggest you move on, you don't need to wait around to pick up the pieces, I love him, he loves me, and he loves his kids. You know what I think? You're jealous, you either had a chance with him or you wanted one, and you messed it up. Too bad and too late, Abby, I won't ever leave him, I love him. I don't think he would be too thrilled to find out what you have just said to me."

"I'll deny everything, I've been the supportive friend through all the crap you have inflicted on him. He'll believe me if I say you are making it up. And, I am doing this because I care about him, I want to make sure he doesn't get hurt."

I give a humourless laugh. "So he doesn't get hurt? I'm his wife." I hold up my left hand and flash her my rings. "And the mother of his children, don't you get that? You think me leaving him wouldn't hurt him?"

"Maybe at first, until he realized he was better off. He'd get over it Susan, quicker than you think."

"So you're totally discounting the relationship I have with him, saying that it means nothing? I've known him longer than you have, and I know him better than you ever will. You don't understand our relationship, what all the circumstances were and are, and you need to butt out, right now. If you want to keep his friendship, then change your attitude and wish for him to be happy, not hope for his marriage to fail. You really want that? For him to be unhappy?"

"I don't think you will make him happy. That's the problem, I think he is going to wake up and realize you are not the person for him. I don't know why he won't listen and do the DNA tests on your daughter."

"But I do make him happy, right now, every day. And he makes me happy." I shrug. "Believe it or don't, or ask him if he is happy with me, but don't try and sabotage us, Abby. That would be the absolute worst thing you could ever do to him, you will lose his friendship and hurt him. How do you think he would feel, knowing someone who is supposed to be his close friend is hoping for his marriage to fail."

"I care Susan, more than you do. If you loved him, and if Brooklynn is his child, you would have told him about his daughter years ago. You think I'm going to hurt him? You already have."

"Really. That is kind of a big assumption, don't you think? You really think I don't care? I would never have married him if I didn't care, I would not have been with him in the first place. We wouldn't have 3 kids together, who by the way really are his biological children, all of them. Again, you don't know all the circumstances around our daughter, he and I have discussed everything, it's old news."

"Have you discussed what he said to me not long before you came back? He wanted me to break up with Luka, and then he would have been with me. Ask him if you don't believe me, he wanted to be with me, Susan. He should be mine, I can make him happier than you ever will."

"If that conversation even happened, it was before I came back to Chicago. Fact is, you didn't date him, he chose me, not you and he's mine, not yours. Don't play the game with _me_ Abby, you just might get a surprise on who loses. I wear his rings, I sleep in his bed, he vowed to love me forever not you."

I finally get a reprieve as Jing-Mei comes in to the lounge. She stops short, taking in the tense atmosphere between the two of us. "Susan, good you are still here, sorry for taking so long."

Abby glares at me then turns and pushes back out through the door.

"Hmmm, what was that all about? Kind of tense in here."

"No doubt. You were so right about her. I can barely believe what she just said to me."

Jing-Mei scoops up Hailey from the stroller and snuggles her in her arms, then looks at me. "So what _did_ she say."

"She told me I should leave John, that I can never make him happy and he is going to wake up and realize what a big mistake he's made. To stop the adoption before it's finalized and she is going to be there to pick up the pieces."

Jing-Mei looks at me in shock. "Leave him? Seriously? So she is trying to get you to hurt him so she can come in and make him feel better? Is that it?"

"I guess so. What do I tell him? She told me not to play the game with her because I will lose. And that she will deny everything if I tell him what she said."

"I don't know Susan, but at least you know what you are dealing with now, she wants him, but he's taken, so she wants to create problems between the two of you. Problems that will make him suddenly available, and ready to be consoled, so she can step in. You need to handle this very carefully with John, he is not going to want to believe any of this, but, you do need to handle it."

The door swings open and Haleh comes in. "Sorry ladies just looking for Abby, I thought she was in here."

I shake my head. "No she left a few minutes ago."

Haleh raises an eyebrow. "Ignore her Susan, she lost her chance long ago." She says nothing else, but walks out.

Jing-Mei and I look at each other. "Does she know what is going on? Did she hear Abby?" Jing-Mei looks thoughtful.

"Sure sounds like it, she's sharp, and the nurses seem to know everything. Hopefully she keeps it to herself."

"Or not. John knows almost everyone here, he is well liked, and the nurses tend to be a bit more protective of him after what happened to him and Lucy. Haleh and Chuney particularly. If they think someone is playing games with him, or trying to interfere in something they have no right to be, then it could go badly for that person, someone will certainly make sure he hears what is going on."

"I don't know if I want that, no matter what, he gets hurt, by losing a friend who has been seemingly supportive up until recently. What if she does cause problems for us, I don't want to fight with him over this."

"He is in love with you, who do you think he is going to support if it all goes down? I would place a pretty large bet that he will be all about you."

"I really hope so Jing-Mei."

"You hope so? Seriously Susan, the man married you, not her. From the moment you came back to Chicago, even before he knew about his daughter, it was all about you, don't even kid yourself. The guy is madly in love with you, you have given him 3 beautiful children, you think he is going to give that up easily?"

I shake my head. "No, he's not. You're right, we have had to work on our relationship, and he is not going to let it go that quickly."

"Then don't let Abby shake your faith in your relationship. Her game will only work if you let it. Maybe she really does think that she's protecting him, but we both know she's not. John has made no secret of how he feels about you, not to to me anyway, you and these children are the best thing that has ever happened to him.


	39. Chapter 39

John is home when I get there, he is on the phone with someone, and he does not sound too happy. I take the babies into the nursery, get them changed and start feeding. I am not sure if John realizes I am home, and I can't help but overhear some of the conversation, at least from his side.

"No, I'm not, Abby." He pauses, listening to the response. "I don't need to, I'm fine. I haven't even thought about it months, and I'm done with the endless meetings, I'm ready to move on." I can hear him sigh. "Why do you keep saying that, and why are you so against this, we are doing what we need to do, and in two days it will be all done." I am trying not to listen, but his voice has risen a bit, and I can't help it at this point. "I feel like you can't be happy for us, that's why...no, I don't think I'm imagining it, you have been acting like you're angry with me, but you still won't tell me what the problem is, and I've had enough...then tell me what I did that you are so upset about...you're being negative...yeah, you are...Abby, just stop...she's my wife, that isn't going to change...I don't care if you think we rushed into it...no, I _don't..._ well you are just going to have to deal with it." I can hear him sigh again, what in the hell is she saying to him? "Then _don't watch_...that is really none of your business and you know it...no, you are totally wrong..." This is followed by a long pause, then his exasperated voice. "I've got to go, no, I'm not going to meet you for coffee, or a meeting, I told you, I don't need to talk about it, and no I'm not going to try and get out of it. You're crazy, we've just spent the last three months taking care of her, and you think that I should just walk away? You don't get it...no, you really don't...yeah, well, don't bother."

There is silence from our room for a moment and then John's phone rings. "What...yeah I did hang up on you, and I'm about to do it again, don't call me, I honestly don't have anything more to say to you."

Aiden starts to fuss at that moment, I am feeding Hailey, and John appears before I can even get up. "Hey, I didn't know you were back. How was your visit with Tiffany?" He picks up his son and holds him against his chest, rubbing his back to soothe him.

"I'm sure he's hungry, do you want to take Hailey for me and I'll feed him." We switch off. "Tiffany is good, she looks terrific."

"So do you, seems like whatever you're doing is working. You appear to have a lot more energy." He flips a receiving blanket over his shoulder and holds Hailey against it, rubbing her back until she lets out a satisfying burp. He bounces her in his arms, supporting her head gently. I love to watch him with his kids, it is all so natural and effortless, how he interacts with them.

"I do, it's those great meals that Corinne prepares for me, and the workouts. I want to be able to do all that walking around Paris. So, who was on the phone, sounded kind of intense?"

"You heard that did you? Just Abby."

"Lockhart?"

"Right. Did that sound like a conversation I would have with Keaton? Hardly."

"I suppose not, though I haven't been around to hear how you talk to Keaton much."

"Well, I don't talk to her like that, but then she thinks what we are doing is great, and she doesn't think my marrying you was a big mistake either."

"You've talked to her about all of this?" I can't help but be surprised and maybe just slightly annoyed.

He hears my tone and raises an eyebrow – I can almost hear him thinking, 'really Susan, we are going there?' but he just sighs "She asked how things were going. Remember I was working with her when I had to go to Texas for a week? I had to explain why I needed another week off so soon after taking time with you and the babies. And, I see her on the surgical floor all the time, I have an office there, and I'm up there with Peter in the OR. Yes, I talk to her all the time, about things generally, but I'm not confiding intimate details of our relationship to her if that is what you mean."

"No, I didn't mean anything, I promise, I just didn't know she knew so much. It makes sense, you work pretty closely with the surgical group." I adjust Aiden a bit then continue. "Not that I'm worried, but Rachel was quite concerned when you offered to work for her on the 14th, because Keaton was going to be working as well."

He looks at me in alarm. "You told her about my history with Keaton?"

"No. I would never do that, you told me in confidence and I will never tell anyone." He looks relieved. "She just thought it was weird that you would offer to work Valentine's Day, instead of taking me out, so there must be another reason why you would offer, not just to be nice. She was just inventing crap, worrying that you felt neglected and were...straying or something because if Mike offered to do something nice like that it would be a sign he was cheating on her."

"Great. Remind me not to offer to cover for her again, if she thinks stuff like that, just because I was trying to let her have a date night with her husband. And maybe make up a bit for all the shifts she switched so we could go to the Caribbean. I hope you set her straight, I certainly don't feel neglected, I mean, how could I?" He gives me a wicked little grin. We have been keeping things spontaneous, so he is far from ignored and I know he is not cheating on me.

"I did, don't worry. I just told her we were having a date night on the 12th and you had asked if I minded you covering her shift so she could have the night with Mike. That our love life was fine, but I didn't get into details on why we avoid the 14th."

"Okay, so how did Keaton come into it?"

"She thinks you and Keaton are a little too informal with each other, you seem too close for her liking and you both offered to work Valentines. For a married man, that is a little strange in her eyes, she told me to keep an eye on you, and commented that after a new baby is when men are tempted to cheat."

He frowns. "Ah, so that is why I get the looks lately, she thinks I am looking to play around with someone at the hospital? I must say I'm a bit disappointed that Rachel would think anything of the sort, I have tried to keep my work relationships professional. Do you think that I am somehow giving her the wrong impression? Maybe I need to be more….aware of how my interaction with Abby appear, the last thing I ever want is anyone to think that there is anything going on, when there is really not."

"I don't think that you need to change anything, and don't take it personally, she and Mike are having problems, suffice to say your comments a few months back were right on the money. Mike is balking at the whole baby thing now, and Rachel is upset. She is viewing things through the eyes of a women who is involved with a guy not too interested in the family stuff, she is suspicious he is cheating, so it seems that every guy must be? Things in our marriage look a little too perfect to her, the fact that you are so into the family thing when Mike is balking."

"I wish I had been wrong, but I hope she realizes that not all guys are like Mike. There are a surprising number of guys who actually like being married and having a family to come home to, and most of us do not want to mess that up. I know I sure don't and I have no desire to be with anyone else. I think maybe you and I have things figured out, finally. I don't want to say it's perfect, that just feels like jinxing it, but it's good with us, right?"

I can't help but smile. "Yes, it's very good with us. It has been really good for the past year. I know I occasionally have my little hormonal moments, but I love you and we have something truly wonderful together, something not everyone gets to have, I sure never thought I would ever have it."

"Yeah, me neither, but I never want to be complacent, you know? Assume everything is okay, if it is ever not, we have to deal with it right away."

Wow, that is a timely comment, and I know I do have something we need to deal with, I can't keep my conversation with Abby a secret. "So about Abby….Lockhart."

"Oh right, Abby wanted me to go to a meeting with her, she thinks I need to go."

"Is everything okay? Why does she think you need to go, and when was the last time you went?"

"Not for months, I haven't needed to, everything is great. She thinks that the stress of all the changes in my life, you know, finding out about Brooklynn, getting married, having twins, adopting another child, going back into surgery, all of those things are going to complicate my 'recovery' as she puts it."

"And what do you think?"

"Well, as I said to her the other day when we were out for coffee, all the changes in my life have been positive. You and I are solid, which makes the rest pretty easy, really. I love having a family, spending time with the kids, work is going well, I love what I'm doing. If we run into little issues, we are talking them out right away, not letting them grow into big problems. We are connected with friends, I have lots of people to talk to if I get at all stressed – you, Peter, Deb, Jim, Tiffany, and Ryan to mention a few." He shrugs. "I'm not inclined to go back, I've had enough of the meetings. If I need to I'll talk to someone privately, I did what I had to do for my initial recovery, and what was required to keep my license. So I feel like I did my time for my crime, and at some point it has to be enough. I don't think about using, I haven't thought about a year now, not since last year after Christmas, but we've dealt with all of that." He looks at me. "If you think I'm off base here then you need to say so."

I nod. "I can't disagree with you. I certainly don't worry about you relapsing, you have a strong support system and you know to ask for help if you need it. You experienced a very real trauma that not many people could have handled, now things are different. Unless something major happens, I think you should just continue as we have been, if you don't feel the need for meetings, then don't go. Abby isn't here to see your day to day life, I am, and I don't see you struggling with anything that has changed in our lives over the last year."

"Okay, so we are good then."

"What else did she have to say? You didn't sound happy with her."

He sighs. "You obviously heard most of it, right?" He is changing his daughter, then he lays her in her bed for a moment, disappearing into the bathroom to wash, then reappearing.

I look up at him as he picks Hailey up again, then sits in the other chair with her. "Well, only your half. Sorry, I wasn't purposely eavesdropping, just I was in here and I couldn't help but overhear, and...sorry I guess I have to ask what's up."

"It's fine, if I was really worried about it I would have shut the door, right? And anyway, there are certain things I don't want to keep secret from you, and we would probably be discussing this anyway at some point. She was expressing her displeasure in the way I am living my life currently. I'm making another big mistake, I should try and get out of the whole adoption thing before the judge signs off, let you adopt Susie by yourself and not get involved. Again, she is saying she is worried about my recovery, and whether the stress of so much responsibility so quickly will be too much."

"Ah, and what do you want to do?"

"What do you think? We are going to do what we set out to do, see the judge in two days and finish the adoption. I haven't changed my mind, Susan, this is something we need to do together, a family decision. If she doesn't like it, well, too bad. We need to do this for Susie, and for us."

"I didn't actually think you would back out, John. I can see you love her and you want to make sure she is okay. It's not like we haven't discussed this extensively over the past couple months. So, what other big mistakes have you made? You said you are making _another_ big mistake."

"Rushing into everything about our relationship is what I'm told. I forgave you too easily, was in too much of a hurry having you move in, having more kids, getting married, taking on your niece. In short, Deb was right, Abby is waiting for it all to fall apart, told me she doesn't want to sit and watch while it happens. So I told her not to watch, to quit being so negative. And, she keeps telling me to DNA test Brooklynn. But….you know a lot of this already." The way he is looking at me makes me wonder how he knows.

I raise an eyebrow at him. "What makes you think that?"

"A little birdy told me that you and Abby had it out earlier today, in the lounge. Time to come clean, Susan."

I sigh. "Yes, it's true, I was thinking about how we were going to deal with it, how to tell you, but I guess you already know. So who told? Jing-Mei?"

"No, does she know about this too?"

"She came in and kind of rescued me, Abby shut up and left."

He nods slightly. "And what did Abby say to you?" I look at him mutely for a long moment. "Come on, just say it. No secrets, not about this, Susan, if someone I consider a friend is saying things to you that are not appropriate and may affect our relationship, then I have a right to know. I want to hear it right from you."

I take in a deep breath. "I know, John, I just….can't believe she said it."

"Said what?"

I get up and put Hailey in her bed, then take Aiden from him and put him in with her, they are both drifting off to sleep. I take his hand and we go into our room, shutting the door. I put my arms around him and hug him tight.

"Wow, it's that bad?"

"You are not going to like it, and I want you to promise that we can talk about it before you call her."

"Okay, I promise." He pulls me into a chair with him, so I am across his lap, but we can look at each other. "So what is going on?"

"She told me….that she doesn't think I make you happy, that she thinks this is all very convenient for me, like I'm doing this for other reasons than the fact that we love each other."

"Like what? You're after my money?"

"The money, the lifestyle, all of it. She went on about Brooklynn, how she thinks that maybe she isn't even yours, that I used her to trap you, and then I got pregnant again to make sure you wouldn't leave me."

He takes a bit of a breath. "Anything else?" I can see that he has shuttered his emotions, I can't quite get a read on what he is thinking.

I hesitate but I know I have to say it. "She told me to talk you out of adopting Susie…..and she told me…I should leave before I do any more damage."

"What? She told you to leave? As in walk out on our marriage?" Now I see it, he is furious, edged with hurt that someone he trusts could do this to him.

"Yes. And that if I told you any of this she would deny it, and try and make you believe that I am making it up. I'm not making this up, John, she said something about a conversation between you and her that led her to believe you wanted to be with her, and that your family pressured you into marrying me because of the kids."

He says nothing for a very long minute, I can hear the ticking of his watch the silence is so deafening. Finally he takes a deep breath. "Wow, seriously. Just….I don't even know what to say." He is dead calm, and that is almost scarier than if he was yelling or getting upset. "I kind of feel like that bus just ran me over again."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know how to tell you any of this." I whisper barely getting the words out.

He shakes his head. "You have nothing to be sorry about, okay? Unless you were planning on taking her advice, which I doubt, then you have done nothing wrong." He wraps his arms around me and buries his head against my neck and I know it is going to be okay. He doesn't doubt me, at all. I slide my arms around his shoulders and we sit there for a while, taking comfort from each other.

"Are you okay?" I speak, breaking the silence after a while.

"I will be, don't worry. I am sorry she said those things to you, but, what we are going to do is not let it get between us. We are going to finish the adoption on Wednesday, and continue to live our lives, together. Anything she said that you want to talk about, that you have concerns about?"

"You've never doubted that Brooklynn is yours, have you?"

"Not for a minute, I knew right away, without a doubt. I don't need DNA testing to tell me she's mine, and I have never thought you would lie about it either. I mean, come on, her eyes alone are a dead giveaway, aside from the fact we both consented to unprotected sex, and the dates line up perfectly to when we were together. No one else knows what happened between us because it's none of their damn business, and that night was very personal and private, but they should at least believe that there is a reason I am so sure she's mine. Just like when you told me you were pregnant with the twins, it wasn't that big of a shock, we both knew it could happen, like _hello,_ New York?"

I can't help but smile. "Yeah, New York. I was stressed and I didn't pack my own bag…..but I was still a bit in denial and worried about what you would think, we didn't plan to get pregnant."

"No, but we didn't exactly take extra precautions not to, either. We should have, we didn't, and we knew it, so that was both of us, again, knowingly taking the risk. So what we have learned is that we should never take the chance when in doubt, because you _will_ end up pregnant. Which was fine before, but now, we have to decide if we want to have any more kids."

"That is a conversation for another day, but you believe me about everything, the whole conversations with Abby?"

"Yes, I do. I know you aren't like that, you don't have a problem with any other women that I'm friends with, ones that I have had actual relationships with even. You have no reason to say any of this, I mean, you already have me, the reasons we got married have nothing to do with my family, or the fact you had Brooklynn, or any of that. The twins are a result of the fact that we decided to be together, not a reason _for_ us being together. I know Brooklynn is mine, I can't see any reason you would make this up."

"And someone told you we were having an altercation."

"Well, that too, but for Abby to think I would believe that you made it all up is shocking. You and I know each other too well for that to even work, and we've known each other a lot longer than I've known her. Much more intimately as well, we've spent a lot of time together, between work and personal, you've lived with me for over a year, we have kids, what does she think we talk about, the weather? She totally underestimated our connection and she certainly doesn't know that we have agreed to discuss things right away, openly and honestly. That we have developed a trust between us."

I give a soft laugh. "Maybe, she sure didn't believe me when I said I know you a lot better than she does. So how is it that you were talking to her when I got home, did you phone her after you found out about the altercation?"

"No, she phoned me, maybe about the time you got home? I didn't hear you come upstairs, but she was nattering on about how I needed to go with her to a meeting, how it had been a while since we got together. Last time was when we went for coffee and she got all pissed about my comment on her family. I've been busy, and just have no interest in going to meetings."

"Haleh."

"What?"

"Haleh phoned you." I know I'm right, I can see it in his eyes. "She came into the lounge and made a comment, told me to ignore Abby. She's known you from the day you started at County. She would never let Abby do that to you, and I know her really well too."

"Yeah, Haleh. She didn't tell me what was said, just that Abby had made some inappropriate remarks to you and I should ask you about it. But we are not going to let Abby know Haleh had anything to do with any of this, okay? She overheard some of what Abby said, and what you said back, and she picked her side. Which tells me your responses were pretty damn good, not that there was ever any doubt."

"So, I am guessing that Haleh likes me."

"Of course she does, she always did. You and I are the only two left of the doctors that worked so closely together, and she said she misses how it used to be - you, me, Mark, Peter, Doug, and everyone misses Carol too. That she is unhappy that anyone would try to break us up, it's pretty common knowledge apparently that we had our moments when it almost fell apart. How, I do not know, but hey, the nurses know everything."

I giggle at that. "Yeah they do. Have I told you today how much I love you?"

"No, I think you better tell me."

"I love you, forever, for eternity."

"I love you too." He takes my left hand, plays with my rings before pulling me in for a kiss. "Forever, for eternity."


	40. Chapter 40

Wednesday morning we drive into town, it is a big day for our family. We drop Brooklynn off at school and head to the courthouse and meet our lawyer Justin.

"Ready? Judge Stone will be with us in just a couple minutes."

I smile. "Totally ready." John reaches out and takes my hand to give it a reassuring squeeze, Susie, is holding his other hand, tightly, like he might get away if she lets go.

"Good, all the paperwork has been handed in, so hopefully the judge will just sign it all off."

The clerk calls us in and we all sit in front of the judge. "Good afternoon, Dr. Lewis, Dr. Carter."

We both greet the judge and wait patiently.

"I have reviewed your petition, all the references, and the home study from Social Services. I understand that she is enrolled in school, and that the home study was more than satisfactory." Judge Stone smiles. "It seems that all is in order and given the child is currently in your custody, the mother Chloe Lewis has not been located, the father has not been involved in the child's life and previously signed off parental rights, and Susie has agreed to this petition, I am going to sign off today. I see we have a name change being filed at the same time, and I understand the child has requested to be Susie Sophia Carter?"

"That is correct Your Honor." Justin nods.

The judge looks at Susie. "Susie, is the change of name something you wish?"

Susie looks at me and I nod. "Yes, I want to have the same name as my brother and sisters."

This makes the judge smile even wider, Susie is so obviously excited about the whole thing. "Okay." The judge signed a couple of documents. "So ordered, the minor child Susie Sophia Lewis, is now Susie Sophia Carter and the adoption is final."

I let out my breath, I had no idea I was even holding it in. John squeezes my hand, and we both hug Susie.

"Thank you, so much." I am incredibly excited that I have finally been able to adopt her. It has taken years, but I can finally offer her the stable home I have always wanted her to have.

"Congratulations." Judge Stone hands some documents over to Justin and we all depart her chambers.

We stop to talk to Justin for a moment in the hall, and Judge Stone comes out of her Chambers.

"John, please say hi to your grandmother for me? I missed her at the last luncheon."

"I will Judge Stone, how is Emily?"

"My granddaughter is doing really well, she just got into Harvard Law School, so maybe another judge for our family at some point. Take care, and I hope I will see you at your grandmothers next event."

She disappears down the hall and I think my mouth is hanging open as John just looks at me with a small shrug. His family personally knows this judge? Justin does not seem in the least bit surprised, he simply hands over our copies of the documents and we are ready to go. The judge was so formal in chambers but she obviously knows John fairly well, and he referred to her granddaughter by name.

John and I have an appointment at the school in just over an hour, we are dropping off documents so they can change Susie's school records to reflect her name change and the fact that she is now our adopted daughter. We take her out for lunch to celebrate, then drive over to the school, sending her to class for the afternoon.

"Wow, John, I can't believe this, it's done."

"I know, it's crazy how quick that went, but I am glad for Susie's sake, now we can quit worrying so much, no one can take her away."

I now have to let my parents know that we have finished the adoption proceedings. They have not said how they are feeling about this one way or the other, but at least they didn't object to us taking over her care. The court also sent them notices, so they cannot really argue with us at this point. My mom typically just criticizes everything, just like when Chloe first had Susie and they reneged on their promise to help out and take their granddaughter in, forcing me to take action. I took over day to day care of Susie when Chloe disappeared, and they didn't help much then either, instead my mom complained about me asking them for help, like I was the alcoholic druggie who got pregnant without any means to support a child.

At least when I had Brooklynn, I was almost finished my residency, and was able to support her and took responsibility for her care. My parents gave me grief over getting pregnant without the baby's father in sight, but it was totally different than when it happened with Chloe. I was ready to be a mother, and I knew for sure John was Brooklynn's father. I have never been sure who Susie's father was, Chloe named the guy she was currently with, but I will probably never know if he really was the father. He may have just been the guy who's name she actually remembered, and was close by to take the fall. Not that he has ever been a part of Susie's life, he never even came to see her. And when I was working on the adoption when Susie was a baby, he willingly signed off all his parental rights without so much as one question, other than 'where do I sign'.

I also never abandoned my baby, ever. I could never have done that, I would have been on my knees begging John for help and forgiveness before that ever happened. Not that I would have had to beg him, I know he would have been there right from the start if I had told him about his child. He is just that kind of guy, family is truly important to him, and I know now in hindsight he would have done anything for his daughter. That he would have done anything for _me_ , I recognize now how much he loved me, even back then.

I'll never understand the abandonment of a child, but I think John understands all too well. I am sure these are all big reasons why he was so willing to take on another child, Susie is a lucky girl.

I am not looking forward to it, but John and I pack up the twins and make the drive out to my parents apartment. He volunteered to come with me for moral support, which I appreciate, they are less likely to argue with John Truman Carter III than they are with me, his name alone seems to calm them down. Or scare them, perhaps? My mom in particular is still in awe of the amount of money his family has, and she rarely argues with John. He seems so mild mannered usually, but I have seen him pull out his alternate persona and control a room, both in the ER and in our personal lives. My mother is no match for him, he puts on the Carter charm and she willingly goes along with pretty much anything he says.

It is a little scary really, that he has this alternate persona he can pull out when he needs to, I am not sure if this is learned or an innate ability John Carter was born with - nature versus nurture, the age old question.

In any case, I have done something right in their eyes, married a powerful, wealthy man, who has taken responsibility for the child I so irresponsibly gave birth to as a single mom.

I sit twisting my rings incessantly on the drive until John reaches over and captures my left hand. He entwines our fingers, then rests our hands on his thigh as he drives. "Calm down, it is going to be fine. They got the notification from the courts about this, and you told them we were planning to do it, it's not a surprise."

"You don't know my parents very well, they will make this into a big deal."

"That's fine, it is a big deal, we adopted a child, that's pretty big. But I am sure they will appreciate that their granddaughter will be taken care of."

I squeeze his hand. "You're right, it will all be okay." I hesitate a moment, then I have to ask him, I have not had a chance to comment as we had Susie with us. "You seem to know Judge Stone fairly well."

He glances over at me. "Yes, I've met her before, and her family. She's been to my grandmothers house for a few dinner parties, back when my grandfather was alive, and she was at his funeral. Luck of the draw, the court assigned her our adoption case."

"She was so formal in chambers."

"Of course, it was all being officially recorded, you don't chat about personal matters in a court room, or in a judges office when you are conducting court business. She did it all by the book, it's totally legal and binding...though I will admit she put it at the top of her docket when she saw the name."

"You influenced a judge." I make a flat statement.

"No, I didn't ask her to do it, she just did because she has known my family for years. Look, we could still be waiting for this to all go through, she gave us a couple hours of her time now, instead of 6 months down the road. She's a brilliant woman, she saw the situation, and cut us a break, by getting it through in record time, don't make an issue of it. I did nothing, I asked for nothing, okay?"

"She cut us a break? Because she saw your name? Boy the name Carter really does open doors. I should have changed my name."

He laughs. "You don't have to, trust me. You are a Carter, it doesn't matter that your name is Lewis. Anyone who knows me, or knows the Carter family, knows who you are, Susan."

I ponder this for a few minutes as we arrive and John parks the car.

We each take one of the twins and I knock on their door. My mom finally opens it. "Susan, John, what a surprise."

"Mom, I told you we were coming out to see you and dad. Can we come in?"

"Oh, of course, yes, come in." She steps back and lets us through the door. My dad is typically in the lounger, watching television, but he mutes it when he sees John and I arrive with the twins.

"Oh, give me one of those little tikes! He pries Aiden out of my hands and immediately starts rocking him and talking to him. At least one of the grandparents takes an interest.

"John and I need to talk to you both."

"Oh" My mom is looking at me expectantly. "Are you having another baby? Kind of soon isn't it?"

" _Mom_ , no, I'm not pregnant." I glance over at John, who is trying not to laugh, I can see the corners of his eyes crinkle just slightly as he tries to keep a straight face. Every time we have any sort of news for them, they immediately assume we are having another baby. They asked me the same thing when we initially talked to them about adopting Susie, despite the fact that our babies were barely a month old. I would kick him but that would be too obvious. I take in a deep breath. "We finalized the adoption today."

"What!" My mom is all ears now. "Susan, do you really think you should have done that? What happens when your sister comes back, and wants her daughter."

"She's not Chloe's daughter anymore, she's ours and she will live with us, no matter if Chloe ever bothers to come back. How can you even think she should have Susie back, after all the times she has left her."

"Well, she did give birth to her, you should understand, you have three kids yourself, would you like Chloe to adopt one of yours?"

"Yeah, right mom, like she would ever do that, she can't even manage to be here for her own child, let alone mine. Besides, I have never abandoned one of my children, I am there for them all the time, I am not a drug addict or an alcoholic." I look beseechingly at John, begging him with my eyes to say something. He nods at me imperceptibly.

Cookie plows on. "You had a baby on your own, how is Chloe different. My girls, getting pregnant and having children without the father having involvement, it was just wrong, Susan and you know it."

John ignores her last statement. "Cookie, we are not sure Chloe is ever coming back, Joe is gone, we talked to you and Henry about this already. Susie is just a little girl who needs stability and a family to take care of her. We wanted to make her part of ours, so she can be raised by someone in your family, rather than ending up in the foster system. She's happy and you know your granddaughter will always have a home."

"Which her mother, Chloe, should be providing."

John shrugs. "Well, yes, but she's not, is she? We have no idea where she went, Joe looked for her for months after she disappeared and there is still a missing person bulletin out on her with the police. Cookie, Chloe is a drug addict, she is not fit to take care of a 7 year old girl, Susan and I are willing and able to provide for Susie, and she is part of our family now. If Chloe ever comes back and gets her act together, she will be able to see her daughter."

"But not be her mother."

"Not in the sense where Susie will ever live with her again, we can't chance the whole New York situation happening again. Chloe left Susie, alone, in New York City. She was terrified, and Chloe was found in the drug district, she overdosed and would have died if they had not found her when they did. You want your granddaughter to ever go through that again? We can't risk it, Cookie, we have given Susie all the legal protection we can. The judge and courts agreed, and it's done, we are Susie's parents now."

Henry finally pipes up. "Cookie, he's right. I wish I had supported Susan years ago when she wanted to adopt Susie as a baby. Instead I chickened out, I couldn't take sides, when I should have been looking out for our grandchild. Anyway, as John says, this is a done deal."

I gratefully grasp John's hand. Now for the final revelation. "She wanted to change her name."

Cookie looks at me. "Change her name? To what? She is Susie Sophia Lewis, that's who she is."

I shake my head. "No, we changed it, she is Susie Sophia….Carter."

Both of my parents stop what they are doing to stare at us. "Now Suze, you can't do that, Chloe won't allow that, not for her daughter." Cookie sounds outraged.

John sighs. "Well, she doesn't have a choice, Susie asked to change her name and we both agreed, as did the judge, so it too is a done deal. Chloe gave up her rights to have a say when she walked out on her daughter, not for the first time, but for the third. It has been close to a year since we have seen Chloe, we can't put Susie's life on hold waiting for her to come back, when she finally drags herself out of whatever hole she's in."

Cookie looks at John. "She's not an animal."

"No, she's a drug addict, and an alcoholic, who has disappeared for close to a year." He says this firmly, with finality. "Susie will be with us until she is of legal age, you know where to find her if you want to visit." With that he hands me Hailey, then takes Aiden from Henry. "We have to go, the girls will be home from school in a while, but we wanted to tell you about Susie in person."

I follow suit and get up off the couch with Hailey in my arms.

John fastens Aiden into his seat from the driver side while I work on getting Hailey into hers from my side. "You were brilliant, thank you."

He gives me a slight smile. "No problem, that is why I came with you, so they couldn't try and railroad you. I know they love Chloe, but I sure wish they would show a little damn appreciation for everything you did for Susie over the years. You struggled financially while a resident taking care of both Chloe and Susie and took on an awful lot of responsibility for her. Took time of work to run after Chloe to New York and probably saved that little girls' life. You've been like a mother to her since Joe died, you should have been her mother from day one."

"Wow, and now I am her mother. Thank you, I needed that." I finish with the car seat and turn, he has come around the car to pull me into his arms giving me a warm hug and kiss.

"My pleasure. Now, we should go, I'd like to be home for the girls and I have to pick something up first."

"What are you up to?"

I look at him curiously, but he shrugs and says nothing further, until we stop and he asks me to just wait with the kids for a couple minutes while he runs into the mall. He is back within 10 minutes, he has a bag, from a fancy jewellery store in the mall. He hands it to me, as he backs out of the parking spot.

"Can I look?"

"Yes, it's from you too, if you want."

I pull out two blue boxes, and flip the first one open, inside is a lovely necklace with a double heart pendant, one flat and engraved and another with a very delicate tree enclosed with the heart, set with several stones. I look at the inscription _Susie Sophia Carter_ with the current date, I flip it over, _forever in our hearts_. I glance over at John then inspect the six stones. "What are the stones?"

"Birthstones, one for each family member. It's just a little adoption gift, something she can wear and keep to remember today." I suddenly understand, this is the family tree, and Susie is now part of it, and the heart is inscribed with her new name, the first thing she will have with her new name on it.

I open the second box, and there is a pendant inscribed _Brooklynn Skye Carter_ and the current date, the exact same style with the family tree and birthstones.

"These are amazing, what a great idea. What made you think of doing this?"

"Someone mentioned adoption gifts, and I started thinking about it, that maybe Susie and Brooklynn would like something special to remember the day. Susie was so excited today, about becoming part of the family, I'm glad I ordered these."

"You had them made."

"Yes, I did. I saw some, but they were….not that nice, so I tweaked them a bit, and had the jeweler make them. They are sterling silver, so they will look nice and last, but not so valuable that the girls can never wear them."

I tuck the boxes back into the bag, very touched that he thought of the idea. That he got one for each of the older girls, as they are the ones who will remember today, the twins will grow up thinking of Susie as their sister. Once we get home, and we have the twins settled into their beds for a sleep, I have to give John a big hug and kiss. "They are going to love this, you know, you will be making their day."

"Good, I'm glad you like them."

"I love them, and I love you. You have been just amazing. Let's go and have a family dinner."

The girls arrive from school, chattering and excited. We all sit down and have a terrific dinner, Millicent joins us and we have a small gift giving. Susie and Brooklynn are incredibly excited about the necklaces, John really did a terrific job in choosing them. I purchased some inscribed frames for the girls and one for us, and Millicent has arranged for us to have a sitting for a family portrait, the first one with Susie included. We just have to make an appointment.

It has been an incredibly busy day, we get the girls bathed and tucked into bed. I go in to say goodnight to Susie, as John is getting Brooklynn tucked into bed.

I can tell she has something on her mind, she is definitely happy, but also hesitant about something.

"Time for some sleep there sweetie, it has been a busy day and you have school tomorrow."

"I know. Thank you for the necklace and the frame."

"You're welcome. I'll send John in to say goodnight too, okay?"

"Okay." She looks up at me with wide eyes. "I don't know what to call you anymore, now you're not Auntie Susan anymore."

"Well, what do you want to call me? You could just call me Susan if you want. And Uncle John can be John. Unless you have another suggestion."

She looks at her folded hands. "Would it be okay….if I called him….daddy? You know, like Brooklynn does? I've never had a daddy. And my mommy is gone too, can I call _you_ mommy? She's never coming back is she?"

"I don't know, honestly Susie, I really don't know. But you always have a home with us." I tear up a little, and give her a hug. John warned me this might happen, this little girl desperately needed to be part of a family. "You know, that is what we are now, your mommy and daddy. I would like it if you called me mom or mommy."

She nods and hugs me back. "Goodnight….mommy."

"Goodnight sweetie." I head out of the room just as John arrives to say goodnight, I rub his arm as he goes by me. He gives me a curious look, but I can't speak and he is already saying goodnight to Susie. I lean against the wall just outside the door.

"I need my goodnight hug." John embraces Susie and she throws her arms around his neck. "You have a good sleep, goodnight Susie."

I hear it, so soft and hesitant. "Good night, daddy."

I don't hear anything beyond that, but soon John comes out and pulls the door almost closed. He looks over at me and I can see that it caught him off guard, and has made him a bit emotional. He pulls me into our room and gently pushes the door shut then I am in his arms. "We did the right thing." He says this so softly against my ear, my body tight against his.

"We absolutely did the right thing. I thought I was going to cry, she asked if she could call us mommy and daddy."

"It was like déjà vu, hearing her call me daddy." I wonder at this comment, then suddenly it hits me, Brooklynn did the exact same thing to him, not so long ago. "Wow, I didn't know it was going to affect me like that, but…just wow, we have another daughter. She truly is our daughter now, I had no idea how much she wanted this."

"I know, it's crazy, right? You kind of saw this coming, calling us mommy and daddy."

"Yeah, but hearing it is totally different and that she is doing it so quickly, like she's been thinking about this for a while. If your sister ever does come back, she is going to flip out is she hears her and finds out her last name is Carter, you know that right?"

"Oh, I know, but we still did the right thing."

"No argument from me, anyway, who knows if she'll ever be back."

"Susie asked me that too, if Chloe was ever coming back, and all I could say was that I don't know."

"That's honest and you know what? That is the best thing we can do for her, tell her the truth. She's a bright kid, she won't be fooled, and she needs to know she can trust us, rely on us."

I nod and give him a kiss. "I know John, believe me, I know."


	41. Chapter 41

Life has been great, both Brookynn and Susie are doing well in school, and love being sisters. Brooklynn was a bit taken aback about Susie calling us mommy and daddy at first, but John and I sat her down for a discussion, which went very well.

"Why is Susie calling you mommy and daddy? You're not really her mommy and daddy, you're mine."

John nods at this. "We are and always will be, but you know we adopted Susie, which does make us her mommy and daddy. Lots of kids don't have a mommy or a daddy, but sometimes a family chooses to adopt them."

"I know and that's sad when kids don't have mommies and daddies."

"Right, it's very sad." John reaches out and takes Brooklynn's hands. "You understand, Susie lost her family? Her mommy went away and Joe died, so she was going to be all alone."

"But then you brought her home with you, to Chicago, I remember I missed you cause you were gone for a long time."

"I missed you too, sweetie. But I was in Texas, taking care of Susie, she was hurt, in the hospital and all by herself."

"I know daddy. I think she was scared."

"I am sure she was, but then I went to help, so she wouldn't be scared anymore. So, mommy and I, we chose to adopt Susie, we didn't want her to be scared and alone, we wanted to make sure that she always has a family, and now we are her family. You like her being your sister, don't you?"

"Yes, I love her being my sister, it's fun to have another sister, Hailey is too little to play with me." Brooklynn smiles. I hope she always feels that way, I will always love Chloe, even though she is irresponsible and I hope where ever she is, she is okay.

"And you love Susie."

"Yes, she's my sister now."

"And you love us and Aiden, and Hailey and Gamma. And I bet you have some friends at school that you love too." John is going somewhere with this, he is kind of brilliant when he talks to children. Actually, he is just kind of brilliant overall, he is rarely at a loss for words, but he speaks with care, I don't think he would ever intentionally speak damaging or hurtful words to anyone.

Brooklynn nods, and I almost see the light go on in her eyes, and John continues. "The thing about love, is that the more you have the more it seems to grow. I love you, and mommy and Aiden, Hailey, Gamma, and Susie. I can love all of you, just like you can love all of us, no one gets left out of that, and loving one of you doesn't make me love anyone else in the family any less." John looks at me giving me a silent message, I can almost read his mind, it is time for me to join this conversation.

"And I love all of you, too. You are all equally important to me, and Susie being your sister makes her our daughter. I know it seems strange, since she was calling us Auntie and Uncle before, but it is more comfortable for her and makes her feel more part of the family to call us mommy and daddy now. But it doesn't change how we feel about you, we will always love you, very, very much." I find the words come easily, they are so true, she is my first born baby and I will always treasure her.

"I love you too." She gives us both warm hugs and kisses.

"So, you understand about Susie?"

"Yes, it's okay, I don't mind sharing you, after all, she's my sister."

Brooklynn now understands we have enough love in our family to include everyone, and we make sure that both girls get plenty of attention from at least one of us every day. It is a balancing act, with the twins taking a lot of my time, and John still working 12 hours shifts, but we have so far been successful. John is terrific, even though Susie is not his daughter by birth, you would never know it. He is setting the example, he knows better than anyone, a blood relationship is not a guarantee, you have to choose to be part of your family. His parents made choices, especially his mother, not to be part of his life or his family. From my side, Chloe has chosen to walk away from her daughter, and in doing so she has let her addiction win.

It is now Saturday, and I take the girls into the hospital for a quick visit, and the twins are getting a well baby check-up. Cleo is taking over as their pediatrician, Abby Keaton left the hospital at the end of the final rotation. She has gone back to her practice, deciding not to stay in Chicago, though she may choose to come back at some point. Rachel for some reason is relieved she is gone, she is still on the track thinking that I should be concerned because John had such a close working relationship with Keaton.

I know that part of it was definitely how well they knew each other, and maybe Rachel picked up on it, but I have never let on that there was ever anything between John and Abby. I respect their privacy, and it was 6 years ago, well almost 7 years now and it would serve no purpose to bring it up to anyone. Peter knows of course, but he has wisely kept it to himself, he had his chance to reveal the relationship back when it happened, and he never did. He values John's friendship and I don't think he will ever tell.

I don't think for even a second that my husband was unfaithful or I would have taken it up directly with him. Our relationship is strong, because we are both 100% committed to making it work. Most days it is effortless, we have encountered hurdles and obstacles, and had our share of fights, but now things are just...good.

I wish it was the same for Rachel, it turns out that Mike has perhaps not been quite so faithful and things are quickly falling apart. It is a nice warm spring day and we take the kids to the park and sip coffee while the girls run around on the playground.

"I found lipstick on his collar, and I can smell the perfume sometimes. There are receipts in his pockets from restaurants that he would never go to alone, or with his friends. I am pretty sure he is cheating." A single tear runs down Rachel's face.

"Oh Rachel, I'm sorry. Have you asked him about it?"

"No, I just can't Susan, if I do it's all going to blow up, and he'll leave. Susan, I just found out I'm pregnant, about 6 weeks."

"What? Wow, Rachel, how do you feel about it considering what is going on?"

"I'm excited, but terrified. I have wanted a baby for so long, but I may end up doing this alone. How am I going to manage that?"

"You will, if you want to. Remember, I took care of Susie for several months on my own after Chloe took off. And I had Brooklynn by myself, she was 4 before John even knew she existed, and I was finishing my residency at the time she was born."

"I still can't believe you kept it from him, he is great with the kids."

"I know, it was wrong on my part, but the point is, I did it alone for 4 years. So can you, I mean you're an Attending, you have a full time job, it might not be easy, but if you don't want to stay with Mike, you could do it on your own. And you can get financial help from Mike, he might not like it, but you are entitled to child support for the baby. I didn't get financial support."

"He would have though, right? If you had told John, he would have offered financial help."

"Yes, he would have, but I managed on a residents salary for a while, then as an Attending starting out. It was tight, no question but it can be done."

"Thanks Susan, I needed to hear this, I am just plain scared, I have to tell Mike and I think he is going to flip out. We've barely been together, we got drunk one night a few weeks ago and that had to be when it happened, he didn't think to use protection. He has insisted on it lately, and I haven't argued, because I want him to be on board. But I guess now, he just doesn't have a choice."

"Well, he did make a choice, and it resulted in a baby. Don't let him tell you otherwise, and find out about the cheating, whether you confront him or hire an investigator or whatever, if he is cheating, you can't let him get away with it."

"Is that what you did?"

"What I did?"

"With John, about Keaton."

I sigh, she is not letting this go. "John didn't cheat on me, and certainly not with Abby Keaton. I can honestly say we have discussed her, but, generally, not in a confrontational way, if that makes any sense? He worked with her closely on a rotation, he was friends with her at County many years ago. I trust my husband, so you need to leave the whole Keaton thing alone, okay?"

"Susan, you need to know….there was a nurse that was filling in upstairs, and she worked with Keaton at County when John was an intern. She told me directly that she always suspected that something had gone on between John and Keaton back then but they were never found out. There were some strong rumours about an affair, Susan, so you shouldn't be so quick to dismiss this."

"I know, about the rumours. John and I talked about everything, Rachel, he hasn't hidden anything, and he asked me if I was okay with him working with her, before he took the rotation. There was nothing going on, they worked together professionally and I am not at all concerned, so, you can let it go."

Rachel looks at me stunned. "You knew?"

"Of course, John knew there were rumours so we talked about it, before he agreed to the rotation."

"So you know he has all her contact information on his phone."

I didn't know this, but on the other hand I am not surprised, he has a lot of contacts on his phone. I shrug. "So? He keeps a lot of numbers and professional contacts on his phone, having another doctors phone number on his cell phone is hardly a sign of guilt."

"He talks to her regularly."

Now I am starting to wonder, but more about why Rachel is so obsessed about this, rather than why John might phone Keaton. "Are you checking up on my husband?"

"Yes, I am. You seem to have no concern at all, he calls Keaton, he goes out all the time with that woman he calls Deb, and Trina still flirts with him."

"Rachel, I appreciate your concern, but don't okay? John is not cheating on me."

Rachel sighs. "Okay, if you say so, but don't say I didn't warn you."

"So what are _you_ going to do?"

She looks at her watch. "Get back to work. I'll talk to him, Susan, if you talk to John."

"Fine, I talk to John every day, just quit worrying about him okay? Let me know how it goes." I round up the girls and we walk back to the ER.

I have a nice chat with Peter while John finishes up with a patient. He is very supportive and congratulates me on the adoption of Susie, and surprises me by picking up Aiden when he starts to fuss. He bounces and soothes him, it is crazy to see Peter Benton cuddling our little baby boy. I never pictured him as a father but he is great at it.

"You and Carter did a great thing Susan, I had to fight for Reese when Carla died, and it was the best thing I ever did. He is the light of my life."

"Thanks Peter, it has been wonderful to see how supportive the majority of our friends and colleagues are about all of this. I really appreciate your reference letter too. Susie has settled in with us so well and she is happy, as are we."

"It's a bit stunning really, I never pictured Carter as a dad, though he is certainly terrific with kids. Now he has 4, that is mind blowing, not to mention the fact that you two got married. You both do seem really happy."

"We are."

John appears and we round up the kid, we are going over to County to meet Jing-Mei for coffee. He helps me get the kids settled in the car, then he slides behind the wheel.

Susie and Brooklynn are chattering at each other in the very back.

"So, what did I do now?"

"What?"

"Rachel, she has been giving me….I would call them dirty looks for the last few days, and I was wondering what I did. Maybe she told you when you went out with her."

I glance over the seat and the girls are so busy giggling and talking I am sure they are not going to notice what we are discussing. "Apparently, you….phone Keaton too much."

"I what?" John glances over at me with a frown.

"She thinks you have all her contact information on your phone and you talk to her regularly."

"How would she know who I phone unless she is…listening in on my phone calls at work? She's checking up on me and reporting back to you? _Really_ , Susan?"

"Yeah, I know, it's a little creepy really, but she said she heard a rumour about you and Keaton from a nurse that filled in. About an affair during her time at County, so now she is concerned that you are too interested in Keaton."

John looks in the mirror and gives me a warning look and I realize the girls have gotten quiet in the back. "Later okay?"

"Yeah, later." I nod, and anyway we are parking near County. John helps me get the twins out of their seats and into the stroller, John takes the older girls hands while we cross the street and go into the ER.

"Hey Sam."

"Hi Dr. Carter, Dr. Lewis." She buzzes us in and we get a flurry of activity from the nurses who descend on the twins, as usual.

"Jerry, is Deb around?"

"She sure is, she's finishing with a patient and said she would only be a few minutes, if you want to wait."

Brooklynn and Susie bounce over. "Daddy, can we get a drink from the machine." This pops out of Susie's mouth, which earns John a look from Jerry.

"Sure." He pulls out his wallet and gives them both some money. I can see Jerry mouth the word 'daddy?' and he lifts an eyebrow at me in that typically Jerry way. It is going to be a while before people get used to it, especially the staff at County. Even I have caught myself looking around before realizing she is talking to John, it is a new thing for us too.

"Daddy?" I hear the sarcastic tone in Abby's voice, she has arrived at the admit desk behind us. "She calls you daddy?"

I look over at the girls who are oblivious to the conversation at the admit desk, they are busy trying to decide on what to buy. Jerry is pretending to be busy, but I can tell he is pretty interested.

John turns around. "Yeah, so what? We did adopt her, Abby, what should she call me?"

"I don't know Carter, but not….daddy. She isn't your kid, Carter."

"Not that it's your business, but that is what she wants to call me, and legally she is my daughter now, she is even a Carter."

Abby does a double take at that, as does Jerry. I knew he was eavesdropping. "What? How in the world could she be a Carter. Her name is Lewis."

"Well, it was Lewis, and now it's Carter. So, she is my kid." John is just plain annoyed with her.

She gives me a look, slams down the chart and walks off, sulking. That woman always looks so….bitter for some reason, she rarely smiles or looks happy.

Jing-Mei on the other hand lights up with a smile when she sees us. "John, Susan, how are my babies." She gives John a hug and kiss, says hi to both girls and then picks up Aiden right away, giving him a kiss and bouncing him gently in her arms, while Haleh appears and does the same with Hailey.

"Oh my goodness, they have grown so much and you were just in here a couple weeks ago. So precious, Carter, I think you and Susan will have to work on a couple more."

"Ah, well, Haleh, I think 4 kids is good for now." John gives me a little look, we seem to be getting these comments a lot.

Haleh hands Hailey to John, pats his arm, smiles at me and picks up a couple charts.

"So shall we go?" I look at John and Jing-Mei, they both nod, and put the babies back in the stroller. We gather up the girls and all go over to Docs. John lets the girls share some French fries while we have a good visit. It turns out Abby has been a real ray of sunshine lately, and everyone is getting fed up with her. She is having problems with her mom and her brother Eric, who it turns out is also newly diagnosed with bipolar disorder. She is apparently dating Luka off and on as well, but still does not seem happy.

Finally we are on our way home. We decide to take the afternoon and go for a ride, and the girls are off ahead.

"So, we need to finish that conversation." I am riding beside John and he looks over at me.

"Which one?"

"Rachel, checking up on me? Listening to my phone calls?" He sounds annoyed.

"Hey, I didn't ask her to do that, I promise, and I told her to stop. And she made me promise to talk to you about Keaton, though she should really be worrying about her and Mike."

"Well, do you have concerns about whether or not I talk to Keaton?"

"Not really, I mean she's a colleague, I don't know if or why you are calling her, I don't keep track of your phone calls, John. But you should be aware someone told Rachel about the rumour."

"Yeah, Shirley the OR nurse was filling in at Northwestern, so no doubt it was her. She gave me a few looks when she was there, but I didn't know she was talking to Rachel. If I see her I will ask her not to spread rumours. And for the record, Keaton is reviewing an article for me, so we have been talking fairly often, but about work. And yes, I have all her contact information on my phone."

"Okay, that's fine, though you didn't need to explain it to me, John, Rachel made a big deal about it today, but I wasn't going to make an issue of it. I trust you. Maybe you want to have a little chat with Rachel yourself, she is not listening to me, I keep telling her she needs to stop worrying about it, but she persists."

"So what's going on with her?"

"She's pregnant, about 6 weeks or so, and she thinks Mike is going to flip out. She also thinks he's cheating so her paranoia is kicking in about everything you do at work. I told her to worry about her and Mike, talk to him, tell him about the baby, and either start checking up on her own husband or confront him."

"Pregnant huh. I guess date night went pretty well."

"John!"

He gives me a saucy grin. "What?"

"You know what, making comments like that."

"Ah whatever. Anyway, maybe he's not cheating and she's just crazy, but I do have the contact information for a good private investigator if she wants to know for sure. As long as she doesn't decide to hire them to start following me, we're all good."

"Something to hide there, John?"

"Ha ha, sure that's it, you got me." He shoots a look over at me. "No, I'm a little worried about her being so concerned about us that she isn't giving enough attention to her own relationship."

"Okay give me the number, and I'll pass it on, or give it to her yourself at work next week."

"I can pass it on to her, I am sure if you ever want she'll be glad to share. She seems to have it in for me, that's all I've heard over the past couple months is how concerned Rachel is about me cheating on you with Abby. She needs to get a life."

"I know, please remember, this is coming from her, not me. And she is going through a tough time at home, so, try to cut her some slack. She didn't used to be this crazy, its just the whole Keaton thing and really it's become a big deal with the whole Mike issue."

"But Abby is several states away now, so hopefully she can just relax and let it go."

"We can only hope, every time we get together I hear about it and it is wearing a little thin. Kind of like Lockhart's sour expression every time I see her face. She is one of the unhappiest people I have ever met."

"She can be, true. She used to be a lot nicer, but lately, wow, I find it hard to be around her. Her disapproval of everything in my life is tiring, to be honest, I'm starting to feel she has appointed herself part of my family. She is definitely grouchy all the time. I know part of it is her mom and brother, I think she's drinking again too, but I have tried to help her with that in the past and all she says is 'don't try to fix me, I'm not broken.' If I started using she'd be all over me about that, but I'm not allowed to say a damn thing about her drinking, it's only a couple beers is what she says. Anyway, enough about Abby – both of them."

"I'm sorry John, I know she doesn't like me, at all. It seems like all her issues with you are really about me."

"If she has issues with my wife, then she has issues with me too. I hate to cut her out of my life, she has been a good friend in the past, but if I have to choose, you know who wins."

"Oh? Who?" I tease gently.

"Her of course." He gives me a little wink. Then he turns a bit more serious. "You will always win, Susan, I love you and our family, it is the most important thing in the world, I can't live without any of you."

"I know, I love you too. Hey on the bright side most everyone else is happy for us, even Peter."

"He has been incredibly supportive. He understands why it is so important."

"Well, I guess being a parent helps make him a little warmer, I can tell he really loves Reese."

"Yes, prime example, I mean Reese isn't even really his kid, yet he fought to keep him when Carla died."

I stop and stare at him. "What?"

His eyes cut over to me. "Oh, I thought you knew, I probably should not have said that, but I guess it's not really a secret. Reese is not Peter's son biologically. Carla led him to believe he was, but when Carla died he had to fight for custody in court, and Roger – Carla's husband forced a paternity test. Neither of them were Reese's real father, but they both wanted him. Carla had put Peter on the birth certificate and he left County to get better hours so the judge let him have custody of Reese. He had believed Reese to be his son from day one, and really he is, even if they are not blood related."

"Wow, that is a side of Peter I never knew existed."

"He has a lot of facets, you should have seen him with his mom, and with his sister Jackie. He is actually an incredibly compassionate man, he just hides it under that prickly exterior when he is at the hospital."

"I am amazed you know this."

We are heading back now and the girls are still quite far ahead, so confident in their abilities now. We ride in silence for a few moments then John continues.

John shrugs. "I worked with him very closely for years, he was like that at the hospital because, first of all, that is how his residents treated him. And he had to work three times harder than his colleagues to get where he is, unfortunately racism is alive and well in Chicago, Susan. He didn't grow up in a great neighborhood, he didn't have money or a lot of advantages, Peter worked his ass off to get where he is, and I applaud him for it. He did what he needed to do to succeed. I took a lot of things personally when I was a med student and intern, but now, I really get it, he taught me a lot in a short time. He has been both a friend and a mentor, I won't ever forget it."

"I always liked Peter, he did work hard. I wonder how he avoided the gangs."

"His family. You know Peter made me come to his mom's house for dinner, right after that incident with the jumper? Do you remember that?"

Who could forget, it was a patient John had worked on with Peter. They guy was depressed, and having issues in his personal life as he was transgender, and he decided that jumping off the roof of County was a great idea. John went up to talk to the guy, and he took the leap right in front of John while they were talking.

"I remember. I don't know how you handled that one."

"Not very well. Anyway, I had met his mom a week before, she came into the ER needing some medical attention and I took care of her. She invited me for dinner, she was really sweet. So I had dinner with his family, unheard of for a med student to see inside Peter's world, and that is kind of where it started, where I started to learn he was not as heartless as he seemed, that is was a facade. He knew my parents were out of the country, it was Thanksgiving and he didn't want me to be alone after seeing someone do that."

"I didn't know that you went to his mom's house for dinner."

"Yeah, I did, and the whole family was great, down to earth. He was heartbroken when his nephew Jesse died due to gang related activity, he came in with a GSW and didn't even make it to the OR, it wasn't all that long ago, either. Anyway, his parents, his mom especially kept him away from the wrong people, and made him work hard. He and his sister both have done okay, they were lucky to have such strong and loving parents."

I look over at him, but he doesn't appear upset. "You and Peter have had your differences though, even he said so."

"Sure we have, and he hasn't always been that nice to be around." He takes a deep breath. "Shortly after you left, and my apartment burnt down, I ended up moving in with another intern, Dennis, he had a two bedroom close to the hospital and was looking for a roommate. Not long after Christmas he was hit by the L, he was Peter's intern too, we didn't even recognize him when he came into the Trauma room. I guess there have been a lot of little things along the way, secrets we share and experiences."

"Secrets?"

"Yeah, we worked closely together for 8 years Susan, we know a lot about each other. I know some of his secrets as much as he knows some of mine, even if neither of us admit to knowing them. Things I'll never tell anyone, not even you, because they are not mine to tell."

I nod. "I get that,

"They ruled his death an accident, you know, but Peter and I both suspect it wasn't. Dennis was having a tough time, I think….he committed suicide."

I feel a little nauseous. "Your roommate and friend, committed suicide."

"Well, I don't know that absolutely, but I suspect it was the case. His girlfriend dumped him right before Christmas, for another guy, Peter was being typically Benton, you know how he was with me my first year, well triple it when you're a surgical intern. Dennis was new to Chicago, his family was several states away, he was working over 90 hours a week and his girlfriend dumped him over Christmas, he couldn't go home as he didn't have any time off. He would talk to me all the time, but I was trying to keep myself sane, and I wasn't home much right before it all happened. I wasn't around much for him to talk to, and I knew he was struggling, so….yeah, I think he did."

"You never told the police this, or anyone? You let them believe it was an accident? You could live with that?" I feel shocked, my tone is almost accusing.

John levels his gaze at me. "If you think that was an easy decision, it wasn't, I struggled with it, trust me. But then I met his dad. I arranged a service for Dennis at the hospital chapel and then I had to take his dad to our apartment so he could collect belongings. He was so proud of his son, and so devastated by his death, do you think I could do that to him? That is a whole new level of hell, Susan, I know because I was living in it, and no way was I going to do that to his family. It was a kindness to just let them go with the whole accident thing, they could remember their son and not spend the rest of their lives wondering how they missed the signs. Or blaming themselves for allowing Dennis to go into surgery, or whatever else they would have found a way to blame themselves for. Can I live with it? Yeah, I can, you might think it was wrong, but it was one of those lies that saved his family further grief – I understand loss and grief. Even back then I knew way too much about it, Susan, it started for me when I was 10. Just like I can live with lying to Lucy's mother."

I can see the pain in his eyes, and I know I have judged too harshly. His reasons for holding back the truth are beyond reproach, would I want to inflict that on a father who had just lost his child? Don't we try to soften the blow for families in the ER when the outcome is not what was hoped for?

"You lied to Lucy's mother? About what?"

He sighs. "She was in town to make the…arrangements and clean out her locker. So next thing I know she is there wanting to see me, I was still in the hospital, and I couldn't go to the service. Anyway…she asked me a difficult question, and I lied to her, because I wanted to spare her, she'd just lost her daughter."

"What did she ask?"

"What it felt like. You know, being stabbed." His voice is flat and factual.

"What?" I think I heard him wrong. "She asked you…..please tell me you're kidding."

"I will never forget those words – she asked me what I was thinking, when that man stabbed me, what did it feel like. So I told her it happened so fast that I didn't know what was happening and it didn't hurt at all. I mean, what do you say to that? Get a grip lady, your daughter was stabbed 4 times, with a blade at least 8 inches long, what the hell do _you think it felt like_?"

I don't even know what to say. How would I have responded to that? I am silent for a few moments.

"I know maybe you don't agree with it, but sometimes it's a kindness to with hold the truth."

"I don't disagree at all, John. You were in difficult situations both times, and even having her mother ask you that must have been painful. You were still in the hospital recovering from the injuries and her mother was asking you those sort of questions, I don't know how anyone would have handled that. I can't and won't judge you in either case, you had good reasons for not sharing the information, to avoid causing pain. There was nothing anyone could do for those two, either Dennis or Lucy at that point, what good would it be to torture their families?"

I can see he is a bit relieved at my response. "Thank you for understanding. I haven't told a lot of people about either situation, so please don't discuss it with anyone. Really just Peter and a couple of the therapists I saw after I went to Atlanta."

"You know I won't, I know when you tell me things like that, they are not to be shared."

"Yeah, I know." He gives me a faint smile. He hops out of the saddle as we reach the barn and he assists me down. We take the horses in, the girls have their saddles off and are grooming the horses. It is amazing that they have learned so much in such a short amount of time. "Put the horses out in the pasture, please." John instructs them as they go to put them in the stalls.

"Okay daddy." Brooklynn nods. The girls do this quickly. "We're going to the house, we're both hungry."

"Be good for Corinne then, and clean up after yourselves in the kitchen. Make sure you change and _wash your hands_ first." I have to constantly remind them to wash properly after being with the horses.

John and I take our time grooming the horses, it is nice to have some quiet time just the two of us. "I think we need another date night, and we have to figure out birthday parties for the girls." He glances over at me. "Not to long and we will be off to Paris, we'll need to do Susie's before we go, and Brooklynn's when we get back."

"Well, Brooklynn is easy, she wants to go to that play land, you know with all the inflatable jumping houses, obstacle courses, all that? I checked and they can do it all, food, cake and everything."

"Sounds great, let me know what day you want to do it on and I'll make sure I'm off. Or check my schedule, you know where it is. What about Susie?"

"That's a bit more difficult, I will have to ask her, but she hasn't made a ton of friends yet, she's been a bit shy."

"Ah, we'll figure it out, maybe something really cool that she can invite a bunch of the girls to, and maybe it will break the ice?"

"Or something low key without too much pressure."

We decide to sit down with Susie tonight, we get the horses out to pasture, and wander back to the house together, it has ended up being a good day. Even with the ups and downs, and serious discussions.


	42. Chapter 42

I wake up and stretch, it is a beautiful morning. I can smell the lingering traces of John's shampoo and aftershave, see the slight indentation left on his pillow from last night. I know he has been gone for hours as he had a very early shift at the hospital. I can hear one of the babies starting to stir so I crawl out of the warm comfy bed, slide on my robe then go across the hall to pick up Aiden, Hailey is still asleep.

"Morning sweetheart." I give him a gentle kiss and take him over to change him, then sit quietly and feed him. I cannot believe my babies are over 5 months old already, they are growing and changing so fast. I feel very lucky, they are both so good natured and happy, and they are growing up in a house so filled with love.

Brooklynn and Susie come in to give me a hug and a kiss before they are off to school, Louisa rounds them up and the house is soon silent. Alger is driving them to school this morning, dropping them before he takes Millicent out to one of her morning meetings. I am going to miss them so much but I am incredibly excited too. In a few hours the car will be picking me up, along with Louisa and the twins and we are going to meet John at the airport for our trip. We are leaving as soon as he is off shift, so his bags are sitting packed and ready, he has a car taking him to the airport straight from Northwestern.

Hailey wakes up and I repeat the procedure with her, Louisa comes in and picks up Aiden, playing with him on the carpet while I finish with Hailey.

Finally Louisa, the two babies and I are on our way to the airport. I am a little confused at first, but when we arrive at Executive, I get it. We pull up to the hanger and John is already there, along with…..Peter and Cleo? The drive opens the door and John helps us out as the driver gets the bags from the trunk.

"Uh, what's going on? Why are Peter and Cleo here?"

"I'll tell you on the plane." He just smiles and soon we are settled aboard, ready to take off.

Peter grins at me. "Don't worry Susan, Cleo and I are going to disappear once we get to London. Carter said he had a plane and the extra room, and I have never been to Europe so we are just tagging along for the flight."

"John, I cannot believe you chartered a private plane for this trip."

"Well, sort of, it's Brian's new jet, and it was going to Europe empty to pick up some clients, Jim arranged for us to catch a ride. Much nicer than commercial, I'm paying the airport fees for London as it is going to Germany after this. I thought it would be nice, travelling with two babies, and all the luggage, it actually works out pretty similar to all the first class tickets."

Peter kind of rolls his eyes. "Must be nice to have friends that own their own jet. I have rarely even flown, let alone on a private plane. You look pretty relaxed there Susan for your first jet ride. I always thought you hated to fly."

I laugh. "Ahhh, well, I have gotten a bit better, I've flown a few times in the past couple of years, let's see, New York twice, and to Florida and I've had to do a couple helicopter rides. It's not the first time I've been on the Davis jet either, we used the plane when we went to the Caribbean. Well the previous jet anyways."

Peter shakes his head. "Well, that explains it. I do have to thank you though, for letting us tag along, Carter."

John shrugs. "No problem Peter, we had the room, and it save you some airfare, and it makes the trip in half the time." He looks over at me while he bounces Hailey on his knee. "Peter got the same time off since we are working together, neither he nor Cleo have ever been to Europe so this is a nice treat for them."

It sure is, I don't mind flying so much when we get to take a private jet. The captain announces that we are ready for takeoff, and soon we are in the air. The take off is so smooth, I would not have even known we were already flying, and that makes me so much more relaxed.

"Where is Reese?"

"He is staying with my sister Jackie for the time we are gone. Carter had some great suggestions on what to see, we are actually going for a full two weeks, so we have to fly commercially when we go home, but that's okay. We are going to see London, then go into France as well."

"I have never been to Europe either so it's exciting, I cannot wait."

We all kick back and relax, John hands off his daughter and soon Peter, Cleo and John are all napping, all 3 are tired as they had very early shifts. I pass the time by reading a couple guidebooks and playing with the twins, Louisa is wonderful as usual and helps me with changing and entertaining while I feed them. I am pleasantly surprised to find out we are soon going to be landing, the trip flew by quickly. I shake John awake and give him a kiss. "Hey sleepy, we're landing."

"Hmmmm?" His eyes slowly open, looking a bit confused for a moment until he realizes we are on the plane. "Oh, we're here. Sorry, I was totally out."

"No problem, the three of you all slept the entire way here. I might wish I did too."

"You'll have a chance to get a bit of sleep when we get to the hotel, the time change it's probably like 1am." He proceeds to wake up Peter and Cleo. "Hey we're landing in London." We arrive at the private hanger and a customs agent comes out to meet us, checking passports before our luggage is loaded in cars. Peter looks a little awed.

"Wow, I thought it would take longer for customs."

John laughs. "Yeah, well if you flew commercial it would, those planes are big and you have to fight with a couple hundred other passengers. But no line up with private planes, it is much quicker. So, we are off to the hotel, you have my cell phone if you need, but have a terrific time."

"Thanks for the lift, Carter, that was great." Peter gives John a hug, I always find this so odd, that Peter is so affectionate with John. They have a bond I have only begun to understand, how Peter became his big brother. Cleo on the other hand is decidedly cool towards John, but then I have gotten the impression she is not overly warm to anyone.

"No problem." We all say our goodbyes and we are off to our hotel, which turns out to be very close to Buckingham Palace and we have a two bedroom suite, with cribs set up in the main area. As we are only here for a couple days it is perfect, not quite as spacious as our apartment in Paris will be, but it is elegant and comfortable, I love it.

"Oh John, this is gorgeous." I give him huge kiss.

Louisa looks pretty thrilled as well, she has a nice bedroom on the opposite side of the sitting room, so she will have privacy, and with the babies in the room in between the bedrooms it will make it easy for all of us to take care of them.

It is still early in the am and John and I are going to grab a few hours of sleep, and get onto London time as quickly as possible. I change into my pajamas and, John sets the alarm for 7 am which will give us about 5 hours sleep. When the alarm goes off, I almost bounce out of bed, I can't wait to go sightseeing.

"Wow, you are never this much of a morning person." John is stretching languorously, as I come out of the bathroom already showered.

"I've never been to London, so I want to make the most of it. We have the morning to ourselves."

"I know, I'll be quick." He wanders into the bathroom and I hear the shower running, but as promised he is back within 5 minutes wrapped in a towel. He gets dressed and by 7:30 we are ready to go get some breakfast.

Louisa is staying with the twins for a few hours while John and I go out, then we will come back for a while and Louisa is going to go out and do some sightseeing while we take the babies with us. The time flies, and soon it is time to pack up and leave for Paris. The two days in London was a lot of fun, we saw an incredible amount, and went out for a couple of fancy dinners and to a show one evening.

We take the train from London to Paris, and are soon set up in our apartment, which is even better than the pictures. We spend the afternoon in wandering along the Seine and then go up the Eiffel Tower so I can have a good view of Paris. In the evening John takes me out for dinner just the two of us, Louisa is settled in at the hotel for the night with the twins asleep.

I love Paris, it is amazing how much we see, from a trips to the many cathedrals, climbing the Bell Tower of the Notre Dame and the incredible art at the Louvre. We are strolling down Champs Elysees when out of nowhere someone launches themselves at John.

"John! What are you doing here!"

I stop walking and just stare for a moment as the woman wraps her arms around him in a huge hug, he lifts her and gives her a spin. What is happening here?

"Barbie, didn't expect to see you here, you are usually off with Phillippe somewhere."

"Not this time, you came to Paris and I didn't even get a phone call? You are in big trouble, John. Wow, it is so good to see you!" The woman gives him kisses on each cheek and another hug.

I am standing and watching this in a bit of confusion. Finally the woman turns to me. "You must be Susan. The pictures don't do you justice, but it sure is great to finally meet you in person." She is a striking woman, and reminds me of someone, I am just not sure who.

John takes my hand. "Susan, this is my sister, Barbara Chastain."

Sister? Ahh, she looks a lot like Eleanor, that is why she looks so familiar. She is definitely not a Carter. "Barbara, nice to meet you." I try to keep my astonishment in check. John has only mentioned his sister in passing, to meet her so unexpectedly in Paris is amazing.

"Is just the two of you, or are my nieces and nephew anywhere around?"

"We have the twins with us, but Brooklynn and Susie are still in Chicago, they are both in school. We brought the twins as they are still so little, but they are at the apartment with the nanny right now."

"Oh, I would love to see them John. Any chance you have time for lunch or dinner while you are here? Phillippe is in Italy, but you and Susan could come out the house with the babies, I would love it. I can hardly believe you're here."

John looks at me and I nod. "I think we could probably do that, don't you John?"

"Sure, we are here for a few more days."

"Do you have plans for tomorrow afternoon? We could see some sights then you could come for dinner."

We work out a few details, then Barbara gives us a wave and disappears in the crowd.

"Uh, your sister, that is crazy."

"Tell me about it, I haven't see her since I graduated medical school, which was the last time she was in Chicago. I haven't been to Paris for a while either."

"You didn't mention to her that we were coming?"

"No, we keep in touch by Christmas card, Susan, she barely lived with me when I was younger and we are not that close. She's my half-sister."

"But she knew you were married and that we have kids."

"I sent her pictures and the birth announcement for the twins, and I am sure my mother has filled her in to some extent. Anyway, we can probably figure out how to get out of it."

"Nope, we're going. This is your sister, John, she seemed happy to see you and when am I ever going to have another chance to get to know her a bit. Let her meet her niece and nephew, we can tell her a bit about Brooklynn and Susie, it will be fun."

He looks at me skeptically. "Yeah, you have no idea what you are getting into, here. If we can find a way to get out of it, we should."

"John, this is your sister. I can't believe you didn't even call her to tell her we were here."

"I told you, we're not that close, I haven't spent much time with her since we were kids. She has been in Europe, with her dad, and then with her husband Phillippe."

"She'll be hurt if we don't at least visit her with the twins, she seemed so excited to see you." He is very reluctant for some reason.

"She'll get over it." I give him a look and he rolls his eyes. "Fine." He sighs. "Against my better judgement, we will go see her tomorrow, but I'm only doing this for you. If we don't go I'm sure I'll never hear the end of it."

He's doing this for me? It's his family and I am perplexed on why he is so resistant.

The next day we let Louisa have the whole day to herself. We do a bit of sightseeing with the twins in tow, then we take them back to the hotel for nap time before we meet John's sister.

"Maybe we should have a little nap time ourselves." I wrap my arms around John's neck and pull him down for a kiss. He has been a bit moody this morning, on edge, and I want and need him to relax.

"Nap time, huh? Is that what we are calling it?" He has a little smirk on his face, and I remember the afternoon in my apartment, our 'nap time'. I raise an eyebrow and nod, and he takes my hand, leading me into our room and pushing the door shut behind us, pulling me into his arms.

A couple hours later we are in a car, on our way to meet Barbara. She gives us a bit of a tour of the neighborhood near their home, then takes us to a lovely single family home on the outskirts of the city.

Barbara is enamored by the twins. "Oh, John, they are so precious. I appreciated the photos you sent me when they were born, and Brooklynn is adorable as well. You have to tell me a bit about Susie though."

John fills her in about us adopting my niece.

"Wow, you have been busy. You got married too, in the Caribbean?" She takes a look at my left hand. "Very nice, Susan." We sit and chat for quite a while, John takes the twins to change them and put them down for a sleep.

"He is so good with those babies, I'm glad he has found you, and has a family. Phillippe and I have not been so lucky, we've wanted children but it's not happened. Here my little brother has four now, it is so great what you two have done for your niece."

"Yes, he is, he's a terrific dad, he's been very generous with Susie too. I feel pretty lucky, to be with him."

"You've known John for quite a while, haven't you?"

"Yes, I worked with him for just over two years before I moved to Phoenix, then I ended up at the same hospital as him when I moved back to Chicago. It has been a crazy couple of years, really, so many changes in both of our lives."

"Right, that was quite a surprise, finding out about his daughter, my mom was having a fit about that. I would have thought she'd have been happy to find out she finally had a grandchild, but she was on a rant. She's kind of tough on my little brother, thought he was terribly irresponsible to have a child he didn't even know about." She elegantly waves a hand. "Oh well, you two look happy, so I wouldn't let my mother affect that. You probably know that John and I don't see each other very often."

"I know, but with you over here in France, and with his work schedule it must be difficult." I wonder about the comment about Eleanor. "And we don't worry about Eleanor, we haven't seen her for over a year."

Barb frowns at that. "Really? Well, with the divorce and all, I guess she doesn't feel she has anything to go back to in Chicago." Huh? Other than her son and her grandchildren? The comment makes no sense to me at all. "It wasn't always like that, when we were younger, my mother would bring Bobby and John to France at least a couple times a year, we often spent the entire summer traveling around Europe. We'd spend at leat a couple weeks near Cannes and Nice, and we went to Monaco a few times as well."

"That sounds great, this is actually the first time I've been to Europe."

"Really?" She raises an eyebrow in surprise. "Well, John sure spent a lot of time traveling, though even when he was here I rarely got to see him. I know at some point he was on organized trips, he did a 6 month one through school where they traveled mostly by sail boat, and did some academic courses along the way. You know, learning about Ancient Greece and Rome, while sitting on the actual site? Pretty great, I never got to do that. And of course he went to the Alps to ski most winters with some school friends."

"I knew he traveled a lot, but not during school,"

"My grandparents keeping him out of trouble, they tried to keep Chase out of trouble too, but we know how that ended. John's a very intelligent guy, he always had these amazing grades, though he hated tests, so he studied extra hard for those. It was annoying really, my mother would compare us sometimes, you know 'Barb, why can't you do well in school like John'. I heard that a lot, ironic though because she never actually spent any time with him she only learned this stuff when she bothered to go home. Anyway when we were kids I would visit Chicago fairly often in addition to the time he and Bobby were here during the summers. Then after Bobby died, that didn't happen anymore, my mom would visit sporadically, but she always left John in Chicago. She was never a super affectionate mother to start with, but when we lost Bobby, she totally shut down. I am 6 years older than John, and I had my dad, and spent most of my time in France so it was okay for me. John though, being 10, I have no idea how he handled it, being left at home all the time. Neither my mom or Jack seemed to ever be in Chicago."

"I don't know, it's kind of hard to understand parents that would do that. Virtually abandoning a 10 year old, it's shocking. My parents weren't parents of the year, but they never left the country on me."

"It happened a lot to John, I think it took about a year before anyone clued in what was going on at home. I have never figured out why he never said anything to anyone, but when the grandparents found out, it all changed. Then he was often shipped off for the summer, to various camps – great ones mind you, mostly they were travel related so he went everywhere. And of course he ended up in boarding school once everyone realized the kid was virtually taking care of himself. That first year after Bobby died he definitely spent a scary amount of time with just the staff in that house. I remember one of the rare visits after Bobby died, it really hit the fan, Millicent took a strip off my mother. Of course my mother just got on a plane and left, she was too buried in her own troubles to notice she still had two children that needed a mother. There was a lot of stuff that happened in the couple years after Bobby died, I don't know all the details. I wasn't there, and I wish I had been, I was 17, I should have been there."

John comes back into the room at that point. "Old history Barbie, just leave it alone." I don't know how much he heard, but enough obviously to understand what the conversation was about.

"You know I can't John, I still cannot believe mother did that, you were 10 and she just left."

"Yeah, I know, I was there. It was over 20 years ago, she checked out of our lives, and we both know she's never coming back, so enough already. Let it go, I don't want to talk about it."

Barb shrugged. "Fine, I'll leave it. You are starting to sound like Jack, you know that?"

John levels his gaze at her. "Oh? Really? How so?"

"Leave it alone? Doesn't that sound familiar? All this crap that went on when we were kids, and no one will talk about it, or admit there was a problem. How did you deal with it, being left in that house and why didn't you tell anyone?"

"I was 10, Barb. I was used to being there alone, do you think they were around much when Bobby was sick? Eleanor was off who knows where, Jack was working, you were here in Europe. Our grandparents were oblivious, and I thought it was normal, it was completely normal to be there by myself by the time Bobby died."

I think both Barb and I were in total shock at that statement. Normal? I see a tear run down her face and she swipes it away. "You grew up way too fast, that was far from normal John. I wish you had said something, why didn't you?"

"A lot of reasons, but none of them matter now, there is nothing we can do to change what happened back then. I have accepted it, dealt with it and moved on. Just move on Barb, please leave it."

"I can't. What happened in that house, why won't anyone talk about it?"

He sighs. "What _happened_ is our mother left and she got on a plane and my father followed her to make sure she was okay. _What happened_ is they didn't come back for months and when they did, they didn't stay more than a few days. Isn't that enough? Not much else to it." I am watching him as he says this, and I know, there is something else he is not saying, there is definitely more to this than just being left alone. I don't know if Barb can see the lie…..or at least that he is omitting something he doesn't want either of us to know.

Barb shakes her head. "There was more to it than that, otherwise Millicent would not have been that upset. Tell me what happened."

I am sitting watching this go between them, I can't say a word. John is trying to keep it under control, this is not an easy conversation for him for whatever reason.

"No." They are having a showdown now, I can see the shutters come down and he is hiding his emotions, with barely a flicker in his eyes. "There is nothing to tell." But there is, and I know it. I have gotten to know him far too well, he is hiding something.

Barb lets the tears fall freely now, she gets up and she wraps her arms around him. "I'm sorry for not being there, I should have been there. Forgive me."

John hugs her back. "There was nothing you could have done, my grandparents were right there and they didn't see it, how could you? There is nothing to forgive, Barbie."

"Yeah, there is, I should have been coming out to see you, we barely saw each other after Bobby died, you're my little brother, and I hardly know you. You almost died and I didn't come to see you, I let our mother tell me you were fine. You weren't fine, were you? Same as when Bobby died, she said you were fine, and you weren't."

"But I am now, I'm happy, no good can come from bringing up things from 20 years ago. If you need to hear it, then, I forgive you for whatever you think you've done wrong. Move on and let the past go."

I can hear Barb sniffle, then she finally releases him. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry John, I love you."

"I love you too, sis." He gives her another hug, and I can feel the tears come to my eyes. John however does not look in the least emotional, like he is going through the motions, he has his feelings on tight lock down right now. I don't think his sister knows him well enough to spot that he is acting a part. But I do, and I wonder if this visit was a good idea, he did warn me.

Barbara pulls back wiping her eyes. "Sorry Susan, didn't mean for this to become a big drama."

She gets it together and have dinner and take the twins out for a walk. The conversation is mostly just superficial catching up, we talk a bit about Brooklynn and Susie, how Gamma is fairing but neither of them talk about Eleanor, Jack or Bobby. I learn that her husband Phillippe is quite an important businessman here in France and travels a lot. She seems a bit lonely to me, and there is an enormous emotional gulf between her and John.

As soon as it is socially acceptable, John extricates us from the visit, and we take a car back to the hotel. He is very quiet all the way back to the hotel but he jumps in and helps me get the twins into their beds. We finally we retire to our room, and he is still very quiet and withdrawn, his thoughts and feelings under lock and key.

"It was good to meet your sister." I try to lead him into a conversation. "She seems nice."

"Hmmmm? Oh right, glad you got to see her finally." He doesn't seem that happy about it, though, I think he just felt the need to respond.

"She seems a bit lonely, Phillippe doesn't seem to be around much. What about her dad?"

"He passed away some time ago. I don't think her marriage to Phillippe is that great, I suspect he...has plenty of female company on his business trips. I'm surprised they are still married, that she hasn't divorced him already."

"Have you talked to her about it?"

"Are you kidding? I barely ever see her. I mentioned it once, several years ago, and she told me to mind my own business, only she wasn't quite that polite about it. So, I mind my own business, she knows what he's doing on his trips, and if she wants that kind of marriage then so be it."

I walk over and wrap my arms around him, he slides his arms around my waist and pulls me in tight.

"Are you okay? You seem kind of distracted."

"I'm just tired, it's been a long day, I probably just need some sleep."

"You lied to her, didn't you? Something else went on, and you don't want her to know."

He sighs and pulls away, rubbing his hands over his face. "Please don't start Susan, today was bad enough without you jumping on the bandwagon. Just let it go."

"What is so bad that you couldn't tell her, she's your sister and she wants to help."

"Well, she can't, okay? No one cared back then, suddenly 20 years later they are all wanting to make things better? _Really_? It has nothing to do with me, it's about making themselves feel better, assuaging their guilt. I gave her what she wanted, now maybe she can leave it alone."

I look at him, and I can see that today was far rougher on him than I imagined. "What did you give her?" There is…something in his eyes, pain? Then his eyes go blank as he pulls his tightly wound emotions under control. I'm a little worried, he is not even willing to let _me_ in right now.

"I told her I forgive her, now she can maybe put it behind her, because that is what she wanted, forgiveness, and now she's got it. I've lived with it all for 20 years, dealt with it, but no one seems to believe me when I say I'm fine. Lots of kids have had it worse than I ever did."

"Doesn't mean it's all okay. I can see it bothered you, far more than you've admitted. It's all right, to be upset or angry with your family."

"Don't, just….don't." I see anger flare in his eyes, at least he is showing some emotion now, though unfortunately he now seems to be upset with me.

"Don't what?"

"Psychoanalyze me, try and figure it all out, or whatever you're doing. Why does no one get the concept of letting it go. I would like to put it behind me, I have tried damn hard to do that, yet someone always feels the need to bring it up. That is why I didn't call her to let her know we were coming, I didn't want _this._ I wanted a nice, romantic getaway with my wife who has never seen Paris, not to revisit my crappy childhood and debate what happened 20 years ago. With someone, by the way, who barely sends a Christmas card, and I haven't seen in over 6 years. Someone who has her own failing marriage to deal with, and told me to butt out of her business. She should take her own damn advice."

"I'm not trying to analyze you, John, I just want to make sure you're okay."

"I would be okay if everyone would let it be. Don't you _get_ it? it's painful, having to revisit it _over_ and _over_. To give everyone else absolution for being so _fucking clueless_. You know, it doesn't do a thing for me, it changes nothing, it doesn't help anyone but the person who is asking for the forgiveness. No, I didn't tell anyone what was going on, I was 10, I was used to my parents leaving me alone by the time Bobby died, they were so busy in their own lives, nothing else mattered, okay? He died, they left the country, for months, I never knew when they were coming back or if they were coming back. End of story." He turns and picks up his key, wallet and a sweatshirt. "I need some air."

With that he was gone, leaving me standing in the middle of the bedroom, as I hear the door to the apartment click shut. I'm frozen in place, tears running down my face, wanting my feet to move, but I can't. I'm wishing the visit with his sister had never occurred and wondering what just happened. I know for sure there is something he is still hiding, unwilling to reveal, even to me, for whatever reason. He would not have lost it like that if there wasn't something more to all of this.

His sister is probably right, more went on than just leaving him alone in the house, but it is obviously too painful for him to revisit, especially if he has been through this before with other family members. I don't even want to speculate on what all of this means, but I _am_ concerned that he just walked out and how upset he is. We are in a strange city, and I have no idea where he would go, so I know the only thing I can do is wait for him to come back.

And then what? What do I say to him, he certainly doesn't want to talk about it. He didn't plan on seeing his sister, he avoided calling her before we came to Paris, so he didn't have to deal with what he must have known was coming. She bought what he was selling, that I know, but I don't believe he is really okay. I know him far too well to fall for the act he put on at his sisters' house.

I get ready for bed then try reading for a while, watching the time on the clock tick by. I am starting to get anxious, worried about him, he has been gone a long time. I try his cell phone, but I know right away there is not point, I can hear it buzzing on the top of the dresser where he left it. I get up and check on the twins, then pace a bit, getting a cold drink from the fridge and then I try to read some more. "Where are you, where are you." I mutter to myself. I can't help but cry, he walked out so upset and angry, what if my insistence on visiting his sister has ruined our trip? What if he is angry with me?

Finally I hear the lock on the front door and I sigh with relief, he is back. I get up and go into the living room, he is in the kitchen getting a drink. He hears me and turns. "Sorry, I tried to be quiet, I didn't mean to wake you."

"I wasn't sleeping, I was getting worried, you know its 2am right? Like I could sleep knowing you were wandering around a strange city in the middle of the night?"

"Sorry, I didn't realize it was that late, I took off my watch, it's in the bedroom. I didn't mean to worry you, I just really needed some time to cool down."

"Where did you go?"

"Just for a walk, don't worry, it's the weekend and it's still busy out there, lots of people out, so it's actually safer than walking around Chicago in the daytime. And I knew where I was going, I've been to Paris enough times. Go to bed, and get some sleep okay?"

I shake my head. "No, come to bed with me, I won't sleep unless you're there." I step over and take his hand, pulling him with me into the bedroom, shutting the door softly behind us. I turn and take his face between my hands. "I'm sorry, and I love you, let's not ruin our holiday with fighting."

He puts his hands on my hips. "We're not fighting, are we? I needed a bit of space to cool down, but I'm not mad at you, it was just a difficult day. Or is that you're mad at me? I guess you have the right to be, I shouldn't have walked out, but..."

I cut him off. "No, I'm not mad, but I _was_ worried, we're in a strange city and I didn't know where you would go."

"Nowhere in particular, I just walked. Get into bed, I'll be there in a couple minutes, okay?" He gives me a kiss, then disappears into the bathroom for a few minutes. I have turned off the light by the time he comes out and crawls into the bed beside me.

He pulls me into his arms and kisses me. "Sorry for worrying you, I really was fine."

"Don't do that again, okay?" I feel the tears start to run down my face and I sniffle. I have spent most of the evening crying, I wonder how I have any tears left, but I do.

"Hey, don't cry." He pulls me in even tighter and I burrow my face into his chest, soaking his t-shirt, not that it's the first time I've cried all over him. He is so used to it by now. "What's wrong?"

"I thought you were mad at me, that I'd ruined our trip. This is not how it's supposed to be, I wanted that romantic wonderful trip you planned, not us yelling at each other, you disappearing for hours."

"No, it's not ruined and I'm not mad at you. I kind of lost it, that's true, but it's okay, I promise, I just needed a bit of space and time to think. We'll get some sleep and tomorrow we can get back to seeing Paris, we don't have to let today ruin the whole trip." He locates a box of tissue and offers it to me, I take two and dab my eyes and blow my nose.

"Okay." It comes out soft and shaky. "I'm worried about you, because I love you. I worry about what happened back then, how it could be so awful you don't want to talk about it. I worry that you're not okay, that you and your sister are so disconnected."

"But I am okay and I'm sorry." He whispers stroking my hair. "My family makes me crazy, I try not to let it happen, but it always does. I didn't let her know we were coming because I didn't want this, Susan. It sounds horrible, I know, but I just can't deal with her, not when she get on that track, and she always does, so I don't keep in close contact with her." His voice is choked up. "I'm sorry I can't talk to you about everything that happened, but you don't need to worry about it, for me, please let it go."

I cling to him, hold him tight, wishing I could take whatever pain he is feeling away. "Okay, but if you ever want to talk about it, you know I love you no matter what, right? I love you so much." He asks very little of me, aside that I love him just for who he is right now, in this moment. I _can_ give that to him, I _want_ to give that to him, to let the demons of the past rest, to love the compassionate, loving and generous man he has become, unconditionally.

"I love you too. Always."

I tip my chin up and kiss him, he captures my lips with his, sliding a hand into my hair. I respond to him warmly, parting my lips, hoping that he will continue. I wrap my hand around the back of his neck, playing with his hair, as he buries his head against my neck, giving me those sweet kisses I love. "Mmmm, don't stop."

He doesn't stop, and we make love for hours. I realize it is almost 4 am and neither of us have properly slept. I snuggle up against him and fall into a fitful sleep, which is interrupted too soon by crying babies.

"I'll get them." John mutters, I know he is still half asleep as he pulls on a robe. He is back quickly with Hailey, who he passes to me, then he goes back for Aiden, which takes a bit longer, and I assume he is changing him. We bring them into bed with us, settling them down between us, John cuddles one and I feed the other, then we switch. Finally we all fall asleep for a bit longer, the babies still snuggled down in the middle of the bed.

We drag ourselves out of the bed a couple hours later, it is only about 9 am now and even though we have had very little sleep, we decide to go for breakfast and get out to see some sights. Louisa is slated to take the twins today as she had yesterday off.

We have an unspoken agreement this morning that we are not going to let the events of yesterday ruin this for us, and we have an incredibly romantic and magical day, exploring Versailles. We go back to the apartment long enough for some time with the twins, and for us to change, and he takes me out for an intimate dinner, and some night time exploration of Paris, including a visit to one of Paris' oldest Jazz clubs. By the time we make it back to the apartment we are both extremely tired, both from a busy day and the lack of sleep the night before.

We still take the time for a soak in the tub together and then for a passionate lovemaking session, before the last of our energy gives out completely. I sleep like a log, not waking up until after 8 the next morning, John is still completely dead to the world. His arm is flung across me, his hair mussed up, lips slightly parted and he looks completely adorable, and….totally sexy. I resist the temptation to kiss those luscious lips and further muss up his hair, but I want to let him sleep a while longer.

Instead I get up and pad out and check on the twins, they are both awake and happy in their cribs. I feed and change them both, then take them out to the sunny living room area and we have a bit of playtime while I wait for the coffee to brew. Louisa appears shortly afterwards, she is dressed and ready for the day.

"Good morning, you slept well?" She inquires. "You two were out late."

"We were, we had a terrific night. John is still sleeping, did you want to go out sightseeing yourself today, or did you want to join us for the day at Bois de Boulogne? We thought it would be relaxing, hang out with the twins, I've heard there is lots to do there."

"Would it be okay if I went out this morning, I wanted to spend some more time at the Louvre, then I could catch up with you and John this afternoon? I'll call you when I'm ready to come over."

"Perfect, thanks for taking the twins yesterday, Versailles was amazing."

"I know, I went to see it the day you visited John's sister. I have seen so much this trip, truly amazing, I feel a little guilty having so much time to sight see."

"Don't be. It has been so great to have you here, you are so good with the kids, and it has been great that John and I can have them with us. It is so nice to have days to go out ourselves, but to know the twins are well taken care of."

"Well, I love working for you two, and I love the kids. So, I am ready to go, so I will do my thing and call you later, meet up with you at the park."

I give the twins breakfast and sip my coffee, looking at the fabulous view of the Eiffel Tower from the small deck while I wait for John to get up. The twins are playing contentedly in a patch of sunlight. It isn't long before he groggily stumbles into the kitchen and pours himself some coffee. He takes a few sips before he comes over and gives me kiss. "Good morning." He picks up each of the twins in turn and gets them both giggling and smiling, and I can't help but feel happy as I watch him with his children. "So what are we doing today?" He has perked up now he has had some coffee.

"Bois de Boulogne, remember? It's a gorgeous sunny day, it will be good for the twins and Louisa will probably meet up with us there later. I sent her off to the Louvre, she really wanted to visit again and you were still sleeping."

"You could have woken me up, but that okay, we can take the twins with us, get them out in the fresh air. As fresh as it gets in Paris anyway."

"I thought you needed the sleep, you looked so peaceful, I did have a few thoughts about how to wake you up, but I resisted." I give him a wicked little smile.

He raises an eyebrow. "Really? Well, you didn't have to resist, I would have been very much okay being woken up like _that."_

I laugh. "So a bucket of ice water would have been okay then? I'll keep it in mind."

"Somehow I doubt that is what you were thinking. I think I need a shower."

"A cold one?"

"Maybe just a little." He winks at me. "Seriously though, we should get ready and get out of here. I take it the kids have eaten?"

"They have, and I'll take them some food too." John disappears back into the bedroom and I put the twins down for a short sleep while we get ready. I can hear the shower running, so I strip and climb in with him.

"I'm almost done."

"No hurry, the twins are having a nap." I slide my arms around him and lean against his back, kissing the smooth skin and I trail my fingers down his chest.

"Mmmmm, napping are they?" He turns and wraps his arms around me, leaning in for a kiss. It becomes passionate, and very, very hot, one of those kisses that makes me a little weak in the knees. He pushes me gently so my back is pressed up against the tiles in the shower, this one has a decent amount of room so we can both be in here comfortably. It is sensual, making love in the shower, the warm water cascading down our bodies as we kiss and caress each other. A stolen moment in time, I let the rest of the world fade away and it just the two of us.

It is about an hour later when we are finally ready to go. We have a fabulous day in the warm spring sunshine, touring the park. It is relaxing, a nice getaway from the tourist crowds that beset most of the museums and other attractions in Paris. Louisa joins us later in the day, John buys us all some lunch. In the afternoon as the twins get tired, we put them in the stroller and they both nod off as we walk, Louisa takes them for a while so John and I have a bit of time to ourselves.

Our time in Paris is winding down, but I have enjoyed this trip, most of it anyway. Before I know it we are on the jet on our way back to Chicago. I am happy and sad all at once, but I know we can come back someday.

As we land I get excited to see Brooklynn and Susie, I have missed them, even though we were calling them almost every day we were away.

They are certainly excited to see us, they launch themselves at us the minute we walk through the door and there are lots of hugs and kisses. We are all tired, but John and the girls help us get the twins into bed, and then we give them the gifts we have brought them from London and Paris. They have school the next day so we get them settled in bed, but John has a day off tomorrow, he made sure to give himself a day to get back on Chicago time before he had to work. Peter will be back in a couple days as well.


	43. Chapter 43

* * *

Tiffany breezes into the café, looking fabulous. We have both taken the afternoon, leaving the kids with the nanny.

"Susan, you looks so fabulous, did you and John have a good time?"

"It was great, I loved both London and Paris, though I have to say, Paris was my favourite." I filled her in on all the sights we had seen over our 10 days, and John promised that we would do another trip to Europe next year.

Things have gotten back to almost normal, though he doesn't want to talk about the visit to his sister. He shuts down whenever I bring it up, so we have stopped discussing it.

"John said we would go to Europe again, but somewhere else, not Paris."

"There is so much to see, and I know John has seen a lot of it, but he loved travelling there as a teenager, he spent a lot of time there with various friends, though his parents stopped taking them after Bobby died."

"So I heard. I met his sister."

Tiffany paused with her coffee cup halfway to her lips. "No kidding. How did that go?"

"At first it was okay, she seems nice and everything, though she was a bit surprised that John was in Paris. He didn't call her before we went, it was purely chance we ran into her one day."

Tiffany shook her head. "They aren't that close, I don't think he ever calls before he goes to Europe. She can be a bit much."

"Have you met her?"

"Yes, a couple times when we were in Paris with Jim and his family. They always end up fighting about something, she pushes him a little too much."

"I noticed, it wasn't pretty and he ended up disappearing for a few hours after we got back to the hotel because I tried to get him to talk to me about it."

"Oh." Tiffany didn't say much more and I have a feeling she knows something.

"You don't seem surprised." Our eyes meet and she shakes her head again.

"I'm not. What did Barb say to him?"

"She tried to get some information out of him, about what went on when his parents left after Bobby died, you know, when he was 11."

Tiffany looked down into her cup of tea, studying it maybe a little too closely and I know, she is trying to avoid looking at me.

"You know something about it, don't you? Come on Tiffany, what could be so bad that he doesn't want to talk about it, to anyone. He flipped out on me, told me that he's tired of other people trying to assuage their guilt for being so fucking clueless."

Her eyes snap up towards me. "I've never heard you talk like that before."

"Those were his words, I'm paraphrasing. He doesn't usually talk like that either."

She sighs. "Susan, I can't tell you anything, okay? Can I just say, that if I were you, I would let it go? Whatever went on changes nothing in your relationship with John, he is who he is, certain events in his life absolutely influenced that, but….he needs to put closure on some things in the past and it is impossible for him to actually do that when everyone keeps bringing up the past."

"Do you know? What happened? You can't tell me, or you won't?"

She looks at me unhappily. "Can't, won't, it's about the same thing really. Anything he confided in me while we were together is sacred, I can never tell a soul. Just like I confided some things to him that he will never tell. If I ever did, it would end our friendship, Susan, and I can't, I won't do that to him."

"End your friendship? I think he would forgive you."

"No, Susan. I don't know that he would, just like if I found out he told some of my secrets, it would be pretty tough to ever trust him again. I love him, he is one of my best friends in the entire world and we shared more than I can ever tell you. That may be hard for you to hear, but it's the truth. You don't need to be threatened by that, he has chosen to spend his life with you, you are his wife, and he loves you more than you could ever imagine."

I feel the tears approaching, it is a bitter pill to swallow, that this woman knows my husband's secrets, things he may never tell me. Ever. It hurts, because I am so in love with him, but he lacks the trust in me to share? Tiffany can see me breaking down, and she reaches across the table to take my hand.

"Susan, don't okay? These are things that happened back when we were kids, teenagers, and we both went through something similar in our lives that we helped each other get through. If I hadn't had John in my life, I might not have come out the other side, and I mean that very seriously. Jim doesn't know either, but he's accepted that John and I know things about each other that no one else does. And I mean no one, Susan. Not Jim, not our families, no one."

"He doesn't trust me enough to tell me? That hurts, I love him so much and our relationship is supposed to be built on love, trust and honesty, but he won't be honest with me about _this."_ I can feel the tear run down my face and I brush it away with the back of my hand.

Tiffany looks very troubled. "He does trust you, and he most certainly loves you, you know that, right?"

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I have to admit, we do love each other, I don't think he would have gone through everything we have if he didn't. "I know, he says it every day, he shows it every day, and I can tell he loves our children too."

"And he isn't afraid to let other people see it either. Before we went to the Caribbean, he and I went for lunch and he told me he was going to ask you to marry him. Asked me to help plan everything, and I have never seen him so happy in my life. He was looking forward to spending his life with you, excited that you were having another baby together, being there for his daughter, always. It has taken him a long time to find real love, lots of women would have married him, Susan, but not for the right reasons. And he deserves to be with someone who loves him, unconditionally. I think you married him because you love him too, you love him for who he is, who he became despite the fact that his life has been far from fairy tale perfect."

All I can do is nod.

Tiffany continues. "This has nothing to do with being honest or dishonest with you, Susan. He's not lying to you, he simply…can't. He can't talk about it. You may not understand, but some things are better left alone, I don't talk about it either, to anyone. John and I don't even talk about it now." She pauses. "Barb can't stand not knowing, she wasn't there for him, no one in his family was there, and for them to be so concerned about it all 20 years later….it's far too little and far too late. 20 years Susan. Do you think that not knowing something that happened 20 years ago is a reason to damage your relationship by taking it so personally that he can't share it?"

I frown and look up at her. "Nothing he ever told me would make me change how I feel about him."

"That is so easy for you to say, you aren't in his shoes."

"You think that I don't love him enough to accept whatever he tells me?"

"I believe you do, but for him, it's not that simple. I know you get the concept that his parents left, that he will never be close to his family, but…living it is entirely different. He has gone through some of the hardest moments of his life alone, Susan. His brother dying? Chase overdosing? Almost being stabbed to death and watching that poor girl bleeding to death? The drug addiction? Where was everyone in his family? Not helping him, that's for damn sure."

"I thought his grandparents were around. Millicent tried to be there for him too."

"Well, to a point yes, but they didn't know he was alone in that house for quite a long time, Jack and Eleanor didn't share that with them, they just up and left. They assumed they had taken John with them, because that is what they used to do before Bobby died. His grandfather was a very hard on John too, very proper, don't let anyone ever see you cry, you're a man, handle your own problems. Have you ever seen him cry? Does it come easily to him to ask for help? Even Millicent has been unapproachable at times, she cut him off at one point, took away his trust fund, and they didn't talk for at least a couple years. Did you know that? His grandmother only talked to him about Chase, and his grandfather blamed him for what happened?"

"I knew about the trust fund thing, but not how his grandfather was. Though he told me that he grew up being expected to hide his emotions, I didn't know how he felt when I broke up with him the first time because he simply didn't want me to know."

"Right, so do you think an 11 year old boy, whose brother just died, and parents have virtually abandoned, is going to go running to anyone when the only people he can turn to are the ones telling him to handle his own problems? To grow up and be a man? Do you think he would have had any expectation of love and support if he had gone to his grandparents? That maybe some of the issues would have been hard for most kids to share with a loving parent, and impossible to share otherwise?"

This is a level of insight into John's life that floors me and it makes me think. He was 11, and was obviously handling issues way beyond what he should have been. That he has turned out to be such a warm, giving, compassionate man is amazing, considering his family. I never knew his grandfather, and John rarely talks about him, but I had the feeling he was a tough old bird.

"He's not going to get mad at you for sharing this stuff with me?"

"I hope not, this is common knowledge, and I bet most of it you already knew, you just haven't really understood the implications. I suspect you didn't really think about a lot of it until he and Barb had their…..discussion, for lack of better words."

"No you're right, it was the visit with Barb that made me concerned."

"If you hadn't heard that conversation, would you have had any concerns about him, has anything changed, or is he still the same guy you fell in love with?"

"Same guy and no, everything has been really great between us, until we saw his sister. We have been trying not to let it affect things, but it kind of is, just because I want to make sure he's okay. And now I know something major happened in his life and he won't talk about it."

"Yes, he lost his brother and his parents left him alone in a house full of staff, a lot of whom were not with the family all that long. Isn't that enough? Leave it Susan, if he ever is able to share, then he will, but don't push him, please. He will be more okay if you leave it alone, than if you keep at him to share."

The rest of our visit is subdued after that and I just want to go home. I have a lot to think about, I feel distracted and sad. Tiffany gives me a quick hug before we part.

"It will be okay, you love each other and will work it all out. Just let him know you love him and maybe at some point he will be able to tell you. But if not, then just accept that no one knows everything about everyone. I have gone through this a bit with Jim too, I have some things I have never told him, but they are irrelevant to our relationship, to our marriage. Maybe you have some things in your life that you've never shared with John either."

I reflect on the conversation as I drive back to the house. Maybe she's right? There are things that have happened in my life that I haven't shared with John, but then again, if he asked me, I would tell him.

John is back from work, I see his car in the garage, but no sign of him in the house. The babies are both sleeping and the girls are still at school. I decide to wander up to the stable and maybe go for a ride, I haven't been out since before we went to Paris and it is a nice afternoon. I hope getting out will clear my head.

"Aria, how about a ride?" I stroke her soft nose, open her stall and bring her out into the main area. I walk towards the tack room and notice that Marigold is not visible in her stall. I walk over and peak in, and give a little start. "What are you doing?"

John is in the stall with her, Marigold is laying down, and he is leaning against her like she's a lounger. He has eyes closed, he is completely relaxed with his hands behind his head. "What does it look like?" He cracks one eye open and looks at me.

"Well, using your horse as a lounger, but the question is why."

"Just thinking, it's relaxing to be near the horses." He's in a contemplative mood, I can tell he is not in great spirits at the moment, but at least he doesn't seem to be upset with me.

"Thinking about what?"

He sighs. "Nothing much, it was just a tough shift."

"One of those days huh?" He just nods to this, not elaborating. "So, what if Marigold gets up while you are leaning on her like that?"

"She won't, I've had her for over 20 years, Susan, I think I know what I can and can't do around her. I used to sleep in here sometimes when I was a kid."

"You did not. She would have stepped on you." I know my tone is incredulous.

"I did, and she never stepped on me, I'm perfectly fine as you can see. The only horse I wouldn't have trusted was my grandfather's horse, but he was sold quite some time ago."

"You would do that with Eclipse?"

"Absolutely, he has never stepped on me either."

"Why did you sleep here? You'd think your bed was more comfortable."

"Not always, I would sneak out and come over here at night sometimes, I didn't live here at the time. Like I said, being around the horses is comforting."

"You would sneak out of your parent's house and come here in the middle of the night? Didn't your parents freak out?"

He gives a little laugh. "Right, like they were even home to notice, hard to freak out from Europe or wherever the hell they went."

Right. "Your grandparents then?." His parents house was at least a mile away, and he would come over here by himself? Through the woods at night?

"I don't think they ever knew I did it or I am sure I would have heard about it. No one noticed, I used to sneak out and go riding too."

"At night?"

"Yes, at night, sneaking out in the daytime is not nearly as exciting. What are you up to?"

Wow, he'd be gone all night and no one noticed? My parents would have had a fit, but I am quickly learning his life was much different than the average kid.

"I was going for a ride. Did you want to come?"

"Sure, why not." He gets up and opens the stall door, Marigold gets to her feet and tries to follow him.

"Sorry girl, not your turn." He rubs her velvety nose, then grabs an apple from the basket in the tack room, holds it out on a flat hand and she takes it, munching in contentment.

He opens the stall for Eclipse, who walks out without any encouragement and simply follows John to the tack room without even a lead. He has owned these animals for so long, they just seem to know what he wants. I start to work on Aria, while he works on Eclipse, though he stops to get the saddle from the tack room and put it on Aria. I can do it, but he is taller and stronger, so it is much easier for him. He leaves me to do up the straps as he finishes with Eclipse.

He hands me up into the saddle, he is always so attentive and just incredibly well mannered, he always has been. He is in the saddle quickly and effortlessly and we start down the trail. Eclipse is antsy and fidgeting, Carter is having to put all his attention into keeping him under control today. "Stay on the trail, okay? I'm going to let Eclipse out for a run, he wants to work, I haven't taken him into the ring for a while."

"Work?"

"He's a trained show jumper, he loves it, and I have a side trail with fallen logs and stuff that I do with him sometimes. They are low, so safe enough but you haven't jumped so you might end up on the ground if you let her follow. Keep her on this trail. Promise, okay?"

"Okay, but be careful."

"I'll be fine, I've done this trail tons of times, and so has Eclipse." He turns Eclipse off to a side trail and with no noticeable movement or signal from John, Eclipse starts down the trail and they disappear. Aria wants to follow but I keep her on the path, but let her out for a short gallop to burn off some of her energy, she became a bit fidgety around Eclipse. It is actually not too long when I see John coming back across the field, Eclipse is at a full run. It is amazing to watch him, he is a beautiful animal, a real powerhouse but John shows no fear. I cannot believe he slept in the stalls with the horses, but I guess it's true, a horse will avoid hurting their rider. Accidents happen, but a horse will not generally step on a person on purpose, and John has owned these horses for years.

He slows as he comes up to us, Eclipse is now breathing heavily, but much calmer. John slows him to a walk beside me.

"Wow, he looks incredible at a full run, he's gorgeous."

"I love him, he's a terrific horse, though a bit of a handful when he gets antsy like that. He'll be good now."

"I'm surprised you haven't sold him to someone for show jumping."

"He's getting a bit old for that actually, horses live about 30-35 year on average, he's about 25 now, well cared for, but he wouldn't be up for show circuit now. They are great riding horses though, and I like to jump him once in a while, mostly the lower jumps now to keep the stress off him. I don't want him to injure himself, and jumping can be stressful on the bones and joints of the horses."

"How old is Aria?"

"We bought her when she was only about 3 years old, and we trained her, Frank and I, when I was about 15, so she's about 18 now. That is why you can ride her English or Western, Frank and I worked with her to accept either saddle. Marigold is my old girl at 30, she's still a great horse but her show days are over, she's a terrific starter for the girls, very calm and experienced now. I put a lot of work into her when I first got her, again with Franks help. She was my main show horse for years."

"You trained a horse?"

"Sure, I've been riding since I was 3 Susan, and Frank has trained horses before, so I worked with him. It was interesting. Let's give them both a bit more of a run before we go back." He gave Eclipse a signal and let him out for another gallop, keeping him in check so I could keep up. We finally get back to the barn and I am breathless, that was a lot of fun, I am sure my face is flushed and my hair a mess.

John is out of the saddle in seconds and then helps me down. Not that I need it, but he does anyway, and then pulls me into his arms for a kiss, brushing my hair back from my face. When he finally releases me, I am even more breathless and flushed, and he combs his fingers through my hair, fixing the mess for me a bit.

"Wow, what was that for?"

"Do I need a reason to kiss my wife?" He raises an eyebrow, he is a much better mood now than he was earlier.

"No, you sure don't." I wrap a hand around the back of his neck and pull him down for another make out session. He presses my back up against the wall separating the stalls, and it gets a little intense until we are interrupted.

"Ew. Mommy and daddy are kissing." I hear Brooklynn's slightly disgusted comment. She sees us kiss all the time, but not like this, I didn't realize they were back from school. We break apart with a little start, I don't think John knew they were there either, we were kind of lost in our own world.

"Really? That's yucky." Susie gives her opinion.

John gives me a little grin and whispers. "I guess we call time on this for now." He releases me, and goes to scoop up the girls and give them hugs and kisses. They shriek and giggle, as he tickles them, then they run up to me for hugs.

He helps them get Farah and Marigold ready and Frank takes them into the ring to work with them while John and I spend the next 45 minutes grooming the horses before we throw blankets on them and let them out into the pasture for a while. We watch the girls ride for a while, his arm slung around my shoulders, and mine around his waist. I lean into him, just enjoying how close we feel at the moment, both physically and emotionally, maybe things will be okay.

"They are doing great, such improvement, I cannot believe they have been riding such a short time." I watch them both, Brooklynn is definitely the more confident of the two, but that is to be expected as she has been riding longer than Susie.

"I know, and they seem to love it. We should go back to the house, I need a shower."

"And the twins will probably want to eat soon, and Louisa will be ready for some time off." We let the girls know to come straight back to the house when they are done so we can have dinner and walk back, our fingers entwined. I love that he still holds my hand, quite often in fact.

Once we get back I peek into the nursery and the twins are up and playing on the carpet with Louisa. "I'll change quickly and be right there."

"No problem, they have been pretty happy."

I quickly drop my riding clothes into the hamper and put on some comfortable dress pants and light shirt. I can hear the shower running and kind of wish I had time to join him, but I promised Louisa I would there quickly. If I went to shower, I would definitely not be there in less than half an hour, maybe longer.

I send Louisa home for the night, and shortly he appears in the doorway, dressed, with his hair slightly damp, and sits on the carpet beside Aiden, I am feeding Hailey at this point.

I watch him interact with his son, John gets him giggling and smiling, and then they play with some blocks, Aiden having fun knocking them down every time John stacks them. The babies are growing and developing so fast, and making lots of sounds and both are very close to crawling. Once I'm done with Hailey, John takes her, changes her, then plays some games with her for a bit while I feed Aiden.

The girls come by the baby room still dressed in their riding clothes, wanting to join in the fun.

"Go change for dinner, then you can play with your brother and sister." John gently sends them off to their rooms, but they are soon back, in clean clothes. "Hands washed?" This gets a couple of guilty looks, and John sends them into the bathroom to wash properly, after handling all the horse tack in the stables.

They spend a bit of time playing with the twins and then we all go down for dinner. John and I tag team with the kids, he feeds Hailey some carrot puree while I feed Aiden, and we alternate helping the girls, though they are pretty self-sufficient now. Millicent helps quite a bit too, she loves to spend time with the great grandchildren, though she can only do so much. John still worries about her carrying the babies, since she has fainting spells.

After dinner is story and homework time, we each take one of the twins, and one of the girls and let them read us a story. John then helps the girls with their homework while I play with the twins for a while. It is a choreographed dance we do now, especially when John is home for the evening. His shifts have settled into a predictable routine, so we usually have about 3 weeks where he works all days and is home early enough for dinner, and of course he has days off.

Finally homework, baths and stories are done and everyone is tucked into bed. John has tomorrow off, so we have some relaxation time.

"How was your visit with Tiffany?" John knew I was meeting her today, but I don't know quite how to answer.

"Uh, fine, she looks great. We should all get together soon." I don't even want to get into our conversation, we had such a great time riding and things seem good, I don't want to upset the progress we've made.

"Uh huh, we should. Jim wanted to know if we would like to take the boat up the lake one day. I have Sunday off and it's supposed to be nice out, maybe I'll call him later and see if that works for them."

"Sounds like fun." Jim has a fairly large sailboat so we could take the kids with us for the day. Riley is so close in age, the babies can play together a bit.

"Maybe we should look into sailing lessons for you this summer. If you're interested."

We get talking about all sorts of little details for the summer, possible camps for the girls, and John mentions he might phone Ryan and see if Alysha might want to go with the girls to a couple.

It ends up being a perfect evening, we finally get to finish what we started in the stables, and I fall into a contented, and very deep sleep.

Plans are underway for birthday parties now that we are back from Paris. Things are mostly back to normal between us and I guess I have to accept that there are things about my husband I may never know. We haven't so much as spoken about our visit to Barbara, it is an unspoken truce, one that I am abiding by for the good of my marriage.

It turns out Susie has an idea about her birthday, but she is shy to voice it at first. John finally gets her to tell him, and I can't help but laugh. Disney World? Again?

"It's a lot John, to take everyone to Disney World." If we take Louisa it would be 3 adults and 2 children, the twins are still free as they sit on our laps. Since we always fly first class, I imagine it gets expensive for 5 return tickets, meals and accommodations for 7 travellers.

"I know, but honestly, it's not like we can't afford it Susan, and she's never been. She knows Brooklynn went last year for her birthday, she is still a little shy at school too. Let's just do it, it's been a year since we went, and she'll have a great time. I thought I might ask Ryan and Angie if we could take Alysha too, Susie gets along really well with her."

"I like that idea, John. Give them a few days with the new baby and it'll make Susie happy."

Angela had her baby while we were in Paris, a bit late but she has another baby girl. It is one more flight and the cost of a ticket, the meals for the kids are not much, and as John points out, we _can_ afford it.

Ryan and Angie agree to let us take her with us, so John arranges a few days off, and we board a flight Thursday after the girls are done school. We will come back on Tuesday, so the girls won't miss too much school while we are away.

The trip is tons of fun of course. Katie Wisher has worked her magic and we have a very nice 4 bedroom house not too far from the park, with a pool in the back for the girls, it works perfectly as it allows the adults to have private bedrooms. The twins we put in one room and the 3 girls share another room that has bunk beds. It is a busy few days, but Susie was in seventh heaven the whole time. John arranges for the three girls to go to one of the Princess themed breakfasts, and he spends hours at the park with them, even letting Louisa and I take the twins back to the house when we have had enough. To manage this, he has rented two cars for the trip, and put all three of us as authorized drivers on both, so any one of us can ferry the kids around as needed.

Sometimes John is like a big kid himself, he really can have a great sense of fun and adventure. He spoils all three girls rotten, Alysha is left out of nothing, including the purchase of princess pajamas, and other souvenirs and treats. If he offers something to Susie or Brooklynn, all three girls are included. He brings them back to the house exhausted, lets them swim in the pool and have a sleep before dinner, then they are off again. Sometimes either Louisa or I will join them for the evening, one of us staying at the house with the twins.

"He has a lot of energy, doesn't he?" Louisa comments one afternoon when he is playing around with the girls in the pool. We are sipping drinks and nibbling on a tray of vegetables with dip. The twins are both napping.

"He sure does. I guess working those long shifts when he was an intern gives him this unlimited ability to go without sleep, seemingly for days. It will catch up with him at some point, I bet when we get home he will be out for about 12 or 16 hours."

She laughs. "Maybe, but it is kind of great, you know? I have worked with quite a few families, and he is one of the few dads that are so involved with his children. And not only his, he has just welcomed Alysha into everything with open arms. You are a very lucky lady, I notice how he is with you too, he seems so thoughtful, a bit of a romantic isn't he?"

"You could say that, I don't have much to complain about when it comes to my husband."

"No, I don't imagine you do. I have to say, I love working for you and John. The kids are great, Millicent is quite lovely, the rest of the staff in the house are terrific, and you and John are probably the best employers I have ever had."

"Well, the feeling is mutual Louisa, we love having you work for us. I never worry about the kids when they are with you, it will make going back to work easier. I hope you will stay with us, my leave will be up in October and we will want someone for the twins. I am not sure what my shifts will look like, but if you'd like to stay we can work it out."

"I'd love to stay, I was kind of wishing you and John would have another baby so I get to stay on longer."

"Ha, well don't hold your breath on that one, I am thinking four is enough for one family. And I'll be 35 in the fall, which makes it a bit more difficult too."

Louisa smiles at that. "I suppose four is quite a houseful, but you both seem to love being parents. And 35 isn't too old for another baby, but I didn't realize you were 34, John's a bit younger isn't he?"

"Slightly, yes, just over 3 and a half years between us, he is 31 in June and I'm 35 in September."

"Oh, that's not much of a difference in age. Anyway, yes, I would like to continue with your family. How did you and John meet?"

"Work of course, I was at County when he started there, and he spent a lot of time in the ER working with the Surgical Resident - well you know him Dr. Benton was his supervisor."

"So you've known him a long time, I mean I know Brooklynn is 6 now, so at least 7 years then."

"More like 9 years actually. But he still surprises me sometimes, even after knowing him so long."

John is out of the pool now, and he comes up and pours himself a drink from the pitcher, dropping into a lounger. "They wore me out. I think I will just let them swim for a while, then we can all go for dinner."

"Sounds great." I am sure I look amused.

"What?" He raises an eyebrow.

"Oh, we were just commenting on how much energy you have, wondering when it was going to run out. You still seem pretty awake though."

"I'll be fine after some dinner, I'm starving. What does everyone want tonight?"

"Well, we are having roast chicken, potatoes, salad and I even got us some dessert." John looks surprised. "I went and got some groceries earlier so we could eat in tonight, everything is in the oven and the salad is made up in the fridge."

"Wow, she cooks too."

"You knew that, I just haven't had to for quite a while, I've gotten a bit spoiled. The twins have been a bit fussy, so I thought dinner in would be more relaxing."

It turns out to be a good idea, we have to tag team through dinner, and Aiden especially is grouchy. John inspects his gums, and finds a tooth coming through which explains it. He cuddles and bounces him through a good portion of the meal, and then I take over while Louisa manages the girls.

John takes a turn and stays home with the babies while Louisa and I take the girls out for a while, when we finally get back he is fast asleep in our bed, with Aiden cuddled up beside him. I carefully move Aiden into the crib, then crawl into bed with John. He doesn't even twitch, and I know his energy really has finally run out, so I let him sleep.

The last day of our trip arrives and we have some very happy and tired girls, they have been going full tilt since we arrived. I am glad that we are back in Chicago early enough that the girls have time to unwind and tell Gamma about the trip. They are both in bed early as is John, he has an early shift in the morning.


	44. Chapter 44

My mom calls me one morning, I feel a little impatient with her, she chatters on about nothing for quite a while before she finally gets to the point.

"Susan, I have an envelope for you here, I keep forgetting about it, you've been away a lot."

"Can you tell me what it is?

"I haven't open it, it's your personal mail." No but she's held on to it for who knows how long.

She promises to mail it and I do receive it a couple days later. It turns out to be an invitation to a high school reunion, which will be held in June at the Drake in downtown Chicago. I am sitting and looking at the details when John comes into the study.

"You got your envelope? What was it?"

"An invitation to my high school reunion. In June, at the Drake downtown. Can you believe my mother has had this for about two months and she is finally sending it to me?" I am irate, I almost missed the whole thing, and it is literally only a couple weeks away.

"Hmmm, do you want to go?"

"I think so, it has been a long time since I saw everyone. You'll go with me?"

"Sure, if you give me the date I'll trade shifts around if I need to, so I can go. We can get a room at the Drake for the night if you like."

"That sounds great, it would be nice to stay in town. So, June 10th, and maybe make sure you don't have to work the next day either. We could…sleep in." I give him a saucy grin, and I can tell he knows exactly what I'm getting at.

"Wow, she really didn't give you much time to plan did she?" I shake my head as he pulls up his work calendar. "Well, I guess we're lucky, I am off at 5 am on the 10th and have the 11th off. Why don't you stay overnight at the hotel on the 9th and I'll just come there when I'm off work and get a few hours of sleep? That gives you the day in town if you want to get your hair and stuff done while I get some rest. I'll book a suite."

"That sounds great, maybe we can check in before you go to work?"

"We could do that."

I am extremely happy that I have been living at Millicent's, Corinne has been cooking me such fabulous healthy meals, and I have been using home gym, riding the horses and keeping busy with the twins. I am in good shape, but I redouble my efforts for the next couple of weeks. John has been doing a bit of working out as well, as he wants to do a lot of sailing this summer, and he is taking Brooklynn and Susie out riding quite a bit too. He'll never be a really big guy, but it is nice that he keeps in shape.

June 4th we celebrate John's birthday at home with the family and then I have a date night booked with him for the 5th. I think he is still not quite used to anyone making a big deal about his birthday, he hasn't celebrated it with his family for years. I try to make is special for him, though, and he seems to appreciate it. I take him for dinner and we go out to a movie, something we don't get to do all that often these days.

The reunion is only a few days away, so I enlist Angela and Tiffany to go shopping with me, I want to find the perfect dress. Maybe a bit silly to put in so much effort, but I haven't seen most of these people for years, and I want to look my best. And of course, I know John is going dress well, he always does when he goes to any sort of evening function and I want to feel comfortable on his arm. Even when he is in jeans he looks well put together, and over time I have just automatically started to dress better. Not that I was ever a slob or unkempt, I guess I have gotten used to being able to afford quality clothing that fits well, and I feel great when I dress accordingly.

I can't wait, I am hoping my old crowd is going to be there, they scattered to the winds after graduation, and with medical school I lost touch with so many of them. My life is happy, I have a great man and wonderful children, and I hope my friends have found as much happiness as I have.

John starts at 5pm and check in is 3pm, so I catch a ride into town with him and we get settled in the room. As the weather is good, we have started to use some of the cars in the garage, and today we take the Italian sports car. It is kind of fun to drive with the top down, and we get a bit of attention, there are not too many Maserati's in Chicago.

I go to the hospital with John, I had arranged to have dinner with Rachel, and we haven't had much time to get together lately, though I have kept up with her by phone. With our trip to Paris, then Florida, Brooklynn's birthday, then John's birthday, it has been busy.

Rachel looks good, she is still early in her pregnancy, and not too bad for morning sickness, lucky girl. We go to Dominic's and get a table straight away, the staff there all recognize me now and I get premier treatment every time I go in, whether John is with me or not.

"This is nice Susan, I have never been here."

"It's one of our favourites, great food and service. You are looking great, how are things going?"

"Well John gave me a phone number for an investigator, which was a bit of a surprise. You told him about our conversation?" She seems a bit annoyed with me.

"You wanted me to talk to him, and I did, otherwise I probably wouldn't have said anything." I shrug, she was so insistent I talk to him, I don't know why now she is upset about it.

She sighs. "Okay, fair enough. He and I had coffee and he assured me that I don't need to be worried about him and Keaton, that they are just friends and that you know he calls her."

"Yes, she is helping him with a paper. If you have ever read any of her articles, she is quite brilliant, and as a professional courtesy she is reviewing his work for him. Not that I would have been concerned anyway, they have been friends for quite some time."

"I get it Susan, John very politely told me to mind my own business, and I notice he doesn't take calls anywhere near me anymore."

"He wasn't too impressed with you checking up on him, Rachel, reporting back to me on who he's talking to. His phone calls are private, you were making it look like I don't trust him, when I do. Anyway, did you call them?"

"Yes, and he confirmed it, I have some very damning photos of my husband." She seems resigned at this point. "I confronted him, and he moved out a few days ago. He is not at all happy about the baby, but my lawyer is going to make sure I get fair support." She looks a bit ashamed. "John was kind enough to refer me to a good lawyer, Justin, who is reasonable fee wise. I feel a bit bad about how I've been acting towards John, he has been very nice to me considering how suspicious I've been of him."

Justin? He is actually top end legal counsel, we use him personally for all of our dealings, but maybe John called in a favour, he has known him a long time.

"He's a forgiving guy, just don't do it anymore okay?" I meet her eyes, and she nods. "So, you're doing okay? It must be tough, I can't even imagine what you are going through right now."

"I'll be fine, work is going well, and once I'm 12 weeks I will be letting Rosen know that I'll need some leave. I am trying to keep things quiet at work about my divorce proceedings, but I'm sure everyone will know soon."

It seems Rachel is handling this as well as can be expected, in a lot of ways she seems happier.

"Lots of people go through it."

"I know. It's a relief actually, until he left I didn't realize how unhappy I actually was, how stressed out. He was so bossy, always telling me what to do, how to do it, and I'm just tired of it. I know it won't be easy to raise this baby on my own, but like you said, you managed with Brooklynn on less for 4 years."

"You will definitely manage, and I'll be you will be a great mom. And you don't have to do it entirely alone, you have friends here, people who care and can help."

"Thanks Susan, you and John have been so good to me."

We finish dinner and I pick up the bill, or I guess John does because I use my credit card. He never comments on how much I spend, he seems to be happy I have finally embraced my change of fortune.

I walk with Rachel back to the hospital, and bring dinner for John with me. Dominic's happily did up an order to go for him, which I tuck into the fridge with his name on it so he can eat when he has a break. He has gone up to surgery with Peter, so I don't get to see him, but I will see him tonight. I take a walk along the lake shore, then retire to our suite, take a long relaxing bubble bath, and crawl into the luxurious king sized bed to watch TV for a while.

I wake briefly at about 6 am as John enters the room, I hear the shower as I drift back to sleep. I wake again as he crawls into bed with me at about 6:30, his arms wrapping around me as he cuddles up against my back. His breathing becomes deep and slow soon after, I know he must have had a long tough shift, he is exhausted.

Around 9am I am awake, but John is still out like a light. I carefully and quietly dress, then go downstairs for some breakfast. I go for another walk before my salon appointment, I am getting my hair, nails and makeup done at the spa where the Carter account is held. I have also booked a massage, with a mud wrap, so I do this first, and then shower in my private massage room.

By the time I am done, it is early afternoon, and I walk back to the hotel. John is not in the room, but he has left me a note, it seems he too has made time for a visit to the salon I was just at, he has booked a massage, shave and haircut. He arrives back at the suite not long after me and he looks and smells so good, I can't help myself, and we end up rolling around in the king sized bed for a good hour before it's time to get dressed.

"So much for hair and makeup." I mutter as I repair the damage done during our lovemaking session.

John laughs. "Well, I could say no next time you want a roll in the hay before a social event, if you're going to complain."

"No, that's okay." I walk over and caress his cheek, giving him a warm kiss. "I thoroughly enjoyed myself."

"I noticed, you got quite…vocal about it."

"I'll try to be quieter next time."

"Don't bother on my account." He bends down and kisses me, and I get a little weak kneed, then he whispers softly against my ear. "It's a turn on, I know you have to be a bit quieter at home, but here, you really don't."

"I bet the people in the next room wouldn't agree, hopefully they weren't around earlier. And I spent hours getting this all done."

"Ah, but now you have a lovely glow, and you have repaired it all quite well." He looks me up and down. "Seriously Susan, you look gorgeous."

I give him a kiss. "Thank you, you are sweet, not sure I believe it."

"Oh, I think when we get there you'll believe it, men are going to notice you walk into that room." He turns me towards the mirror, and I have to say, I am damn happy with the reflection. I am not usually vain but the painstaking care I have put into my appearance is paying off. My hair looks great, the dress emphasizes my small waist – which I have put hours of work into getting back into pre baby shape. My ears sparkle with the dangling diamond earrings John gave me our first Christmas together with Brooklynn, and I am wearing the matching diamond pendant and bracelet. I wonder if I should be less flashy with the jewellery, after all I have my engagement ring and wedding band and my sapphire ring too, but I love how they look with the dress, so I decide to leave them.

I am even happier with the man standing beside me in that reflection. John looks delicious in one of his many Hugo Boss suits and silk tie, which compliments but does not match my dress. He is wearing his Rolex which was a gift from his grandmother when he graduated from medical school and the platinum cufflinks I gave him as a present. He cleans up well, this man of mine, I think he might turn a few heads as well.

"You look good too, I am happy that you are coming with me." I kiss him, then laugh as I wipe my lipstick off of him with my thumb. "Mm mm, that's better."

He gives me the extra card key in case I need to come up to the room. He tucks his card key in an inner jacket pocket, makes sure he has his wallet with some cash and his credit card. He takes my hand, entwining our fingers and we take the elevator down to the main floor.

At the check in a slightly overweight but attractive lady is handing out name badges. "Sandy? How are you?" I recognize one of the girls who used to hang out with our group quite a bit, I haven't seen her in forever.

"Susan Lewis! So great to see you, I hope we get a chance to catch up later. You look fabulous." She turns to look at John and I can see her eyes travel up and down him. "I don't think we've met."

"Sandy Wright, this is my husband, John Carter." We exchange a few pleasantries, then proceed into the ballroom, his hand lightly resting on my back.

"Can I get you a drink?" John offers right away, and I nod, asking him to get me a martini. "I'll find you, go ahead."

I look around the room and spot Lisa, and Madeline, two of my school friends, who I have not seen for a few years. I feel eyes on me as I work my way towards them. "Lisa, Mads, long time since I've seen you."

Lisa turns and looks at me, and her mouth almost drops open. "Susan? Wow, it is so great to see you!" I get a big hug from both ladies. "You look incredible! Haven't changed a bit, and I haven't seen you in 20 years!"

"Thanks, you both look great too. What have you been up to?" I barely get this out when Lisa nudges me.

"Who is that? I don't think we went to school with him, I know I would remember. Some lucky lady brought some eye candy." I turn to see where her eyes are pointed and I see John coming towards us, with drinks, and there seems to be a few appreciative glances his way. I don't get to say anything, next thing I know he is handing me my drink, and placing a hand on my back.

Lisa and Madeline are both staring at us, Lisa gives me a little guilty smile, probably for calling my husband eye candy. "Lisa, Madeline, this is my husband, John Carter." I look up at John. "Lisa and Madeline were two of my closest friends in high school."

"Nice to meet you both." John greets them. He is totally nonchalant, I kind of wonder if he knows the effect he has on women. Even the first day at County he seemed so sweet and unassuming, like he had no clue of how damn cute he was, those brown eyes and his smile. Maybe he doesn't, he certainly doesn't act conceited or overly confident as many guys do when they are attractive and they know it.

Just then two men join our group. Lisa introduces her husband Kent, and I remember him, he was on the football team in high school and quite popular.

"Susan Lewis! Wow, you look great!" He gives me a warm hug, I always liked Kent, and he was actually pretty down to earth for the jock who could date any girl in school he wanted. He is not a bad looking guy either, though the years have added a few extra pounds.

Madeline's husband Rudy she met a couple years after graduating, so he politely and briefly greets all of us. Rudy seems to recognize my husband though, and keeps giving John looks, until he finally says. "You look really familiar, but I can't place where we've met. What do you do?"

I can tell by the quick glance John gives me, that _he_ recognized Rudy right away, but is not saying anything about meeting him or knowing him. This makes me think he has met him in a professional capacity, may either at County or Northwestern. "I'm a doctor, I work in the Emergency Room at Northwestern." I know by the tone of his voice he is cluing Rudy in where they have met, but I am not sure why.

Rudy's eyes widen and he gives a nervous glance at me, but John gives an almost imperceptible shake of his head at Rudy. This is weird, I am not sure why he is suddenly so antsy, obviously we would not have expected him to be here, so John could not have possibly said anything to me about him. And I have a feeling that there is something Rudy does not want shared with the group, information John is in possession of. "Oh, well, then, I haven't been there, so maybe I've seen you somewhere else. Would you ladies like another drink?" We all assent, and Rudy makes to go to the bar, and John excuses himself saying he will give Rudy a hand.

"So Susan, what have you been up to? You went to medical school, right?" Madeline sips her drink.

"Yes, I am now Dr. Lewis, it was a long haul but I got through it. What are you doing now?"

"Oh, I am a book keeper for a small company. It works well, part time so I can be home for the kids. Lisa is working at a fancy jewellery store in New York."

Lisa is a bit fixated on my ring finger. "I notice that you are wearing some _very_ nice jewellery." She reaches out and examines my ring finger then shakes her head. "What does John do?"

"He's a doctor as well, I met him at work actually, we were both at County, we worked together there about 3 years before I moved to Phoenix, and we dated back then actually, a bit of a long story. Anyway, when I came back to Chicago, we got back together, and got married last July, so coming up on a year."

"Well, that's quite the rock you have on that finger, I know my diamonds, you have some pretty high quality ones. Did John buy you those?"

"He did, he quite likes to buy me jewellery. Well except for the solitaire, it's actually a family heirloom ring."

"Ah, that makes sense, quite an expenditure for an ER doctor. Lucky lady though, the man knows his diamonds obviously. Do you two have any kids yet?"

"Yes, we have 4 – Susie is almost 8, Brooklynn is 6, and we have twins, they are 6 months old. How about you?"

Both Lisa and Mads are staring at me. "Four kids, wow. Have you been married before? You said you and John only got married last July."

"No, our oldest is actually adopted, another very long story. Then Brooklynn I got pregnant with just before I moved to Phoenix, and then the twins I had after we got married, though of course I was about 4 months pregnant at that point."

"Well, you look amazing, I would never have guessed you had twin babies only 6 months ago. How did you ever get back in shape so quickly?"

We end up showing pictures of our children, I am glad I remembered to tuck photos in my clutch. Lisa and Madeline have two kids each, and are both still on their first marriage, which is kind of incredible really. They both married not long after graduating from high school.

I glance over to the bar, John and Rudy seem to be having an intense conversation, Rudy did recognize him, without a doubt, he must have been in the ER and he doesn't want anyone else to know. Of course, John would never tell, he is bound by confidentiality, he must be explaining this to Rudy.

When they get back Rudy is looking relieved, so obviously John said something that made him feel better. Rudy is still acting a bit funny, but none of the ladies seem to notice but me. I give John a look and he just shrugs.

We all sit together at dinner, Sandy and her current boyfriend Max join us. Dinner is surprisingly good, and we sit through a slide show, and a few small speeches, and have coffee and dessert. I finally excuse myself to the ladies room and both Lisa and Madeline jump at the chance to come with me, so we leave the table. The men are chatting, John is so good in social situations, and he is totally comfortable with being left at the table.

When we get back there is quite a group of guys hanging out around our table. Which makes sense as Kent was quite popular, football was a big deal at our school. Kent and John seem to be getting along pretty well, which is nice to see, though Rudy seems to be avoiding John, or at least he on the other side of the table and does not appear to be conversing with Kent, John and the other guys there. I do almost have to laugh though, Lloyd is now sitting talking to John. I guess John finally gets to meet a guy from my past, one of my high school boyfriends, the first guy I ever had sex with, not that I am necessarily going to share that with John.

"Susan!" He jumps up and grabs me in a huge hug, almost swinging me around. "I haven't seen you since graduation, you look great!"

"Lloyd, it has been a long time." He introduces me to his wife Tammy who sidles up trying to get between me and Lloyd, who seems a little drunk. I can't help but think she has nothing to worry about, Lloyd is nowhere as cute as I remember him, or he has not aged well. Maybe a bit of both. And he is not John Carter, who by the way is getting quite a few approving looks from most of the ladies in the room. I am glad it is clear he came with someone and of course he has on his wedding band, which he always wears. He is easily one of the best looking men in the room, and certainly the best dressed.

I love my husband, Lloyd is just a guy from high school who I thought was cute. It got a little hot and heavy in the shed behind the radiator repair shop after a house party, and I had sex with him. Nothing to write home about either, now that I look back on it, but then he probably wasn't that experienced at the time either.

I shake off my musings as John slides his arm around my waist, he is reading the body language, and Tammy visibly relaxes as she realizes that he is with me. She takes in the rings on my left hand and her eyes widen slightly. She ends up giving John a long look up and down, maybe I'm the one who needs to protect my man?

"John here was just saying you met him at work, that you are both doctors? I knew you could do it Suze."

"Thanks, it was tough, but I love it. What do you do?"

"I'm an Auto Mechanic, pays the bills. Tammy here is a beauty consultant, we got married about 10 years ago now." He pulls out a picture. "These are our two boys, Roger and Dyson. John showed me a picture of your kids, I cannot believe you have 4 kids, you look damn good."

"Thanks, your boys look like their dad."

"You know Suze here and I used to date back in high school, doc." Lloyd winks at me.

John takes this in stride, he doesn't even blink. "Did you."

"Yup, I counted myself as one of the luckiest guys in school, dating her, if you know what I mean. Lucky guy, you married her." Lloyd does a bit of a suggestive wink and nod, and I can see John is not too impressed. Tammy doesn't look all that happy at comment either. "Remember the shed behind the repair shop, it's still standing." He wiggles his eyebrows at me.

"Lloyd, stop it." Tammy gives him a not so playful smack on the arm. I feel sorry for her, does he act like this all the time? I question my judgement, but I don't remember him being like this.

"Oh relax, honey. I don't mean anything by it." He still has a grin on his face, and I realize he is probably drunker than I thought.

John politely extricates us from Lloyd and Tammy, I am a bit embarrassed but of course John says nothing. He really is quite the gentleman, he does not show any outward emotions to Lloyd, though some men would have been visibly upset by the comments.

I look around and see there are a few couples out dancing. "Come dance with me."

"Of course."

He takes my hand and leads me onto the dance floor, and he twirls me around the floor impressively for a couple minutes. He is an incredibly good dancer, he admitted to me one time that he had to take lessons when he was younger.

"I love dancing with you." I notice that I am getting a few envious stares, and I am secretly enjoying every moment.

"I guess all those lessons paid off, I really hated it at the time, but it is a skill that comes in handy at weddings and the Foundation benefits. And reunions apparently." He pulls me in close as a slow song starts up.

"Thanks for coming with me tonight, John"

"You're welcome, nice to meet a few of your friends. You've met quite a few of mine. Are you having fun?"

"It's been great to reconnect with Lisa and Madeline, and of course Sandy." I enjoy snuggling against him, his firm body, the smell of his aftershave, the touch of his hand on my back through the thin material of my dress. "So tell me, what was the whole Rudy thing about, he looked a little ill when he realized who you were."

"Ah. Right, was it obvious?"

"Only to me, I know you. I don't think anyone else noticed."

"Okay, well let's say doctor patient privilege applies, I was the Attending for a resident who handled his….diagnosis, and leave it there." His voice is very low, almost a whisper.

"Ah, right, but by the tone of your voice, and the fact that he was so nervous, it means something bad, like he has an STI or similar and you are surprised his wife isn't divorcing his ass." My voice is equally soft and low.

John just laughs. "Wow, you're good, but I said nothing and I confirm nothing so you cannot say anything to his wife, despite the fact that you are friends. You don't want me to lose my license right?"

"Nope, but if he hasn't told her John, that's serious."

"Theoretically, if it were the case, we would let it go through the proper channels, we would not share personal medical information with a friend. If someone did that, and the wife then runs in and gets tests done it could be assumed someone disclosed confidential information."

"But if the wife had symptoms, she could make a doctor's appointment or something. I mean say if she had…" I reach up and whisper in his ear.

He nods. "I'd go to the doctor for sure if that happened."

"Oh man, she should get…" I don't finish, I know John will know exactly what I am thinking.

"Yeah she should." He says against my hair. "No more questions, okay?"

"If my husband gave me that, I'd be filing for divorce."

"Yeah, well your husband keeps it in his pants, so you have nothing to worry about."

"I know, that's why I love him."

"I happen to know he loves you too." He leans in for a kiss.

We spend the next couple of hours mingling and I catch up with quite a few people. John is perfect, he converses easily with everyone just like he did at the benefit that night. He is getting a lot of attention, no question, he always does, he is a good looking guy, and when he turns on the charm, look out. I am surprised no one actually clues in to who he is, but then I guess most of them don't look at the Chicago social pages, like my mother does.

A guy that I dated a few times in high school comes up and says hi to me with his wife in tow.

"Susan, you look gorgeous, I wanted to come by and say hi." John returns with a drink for me. "Hi, I'm Jake, an old friend of Susan's, this is Minnie, my wife."

"Nice to meet you both, I'm John Carter."

"You look a little familiar, John, have we met before?"

"Not that I recall, but I do work in an ER, at County for several years, and now at Northwestern."

"In an ER? You're a doctor?"

"Yes, Emergency Medicine, as is Susan."

"Wow, two doctors. Did you grow up in Chicago?"

"Lived here all my life, aside from going to out of state for a couple years for school."

"Oh, where did you go?"

"Penn, then Northwestern, I went to the Medical School there."

Jake lifts a brow. "Penn State?"

"No, University of Pennsylvania, I did my undergrad there." Wow, something I didn't know about him, he was Ivy League for his undergrad?

"Yeah, that was definitely not it, no way did I go to an Ivy League school. You must have some serious student loans." Nope, not a loan in sight, I think. But Jake doesn't know that, and both John and I let the comment go by. "Anyway, I went to school here." We talk with them a while longer, then the party starts winding down.

John slides an arm around me. "Anyone else you want to visit with?"

"Not really. Are you up for breakfast with Lisa, Madeline, Sandy and the husbands?"

"Sure, if that's what you would like to do. What time?"

"Around 9am was the plan." It is almost 2 am now, and people are drifting out, saying goodbye. I find Lisa and firm up plans for the morning, we avoid getting trapped by Lloyd again, he is very drunk now. I know John was less than impressed by his suggestive comments.

John and I take the elevator up to our suite and then decide to order some room service. We are both a bit hungry, and I love our late night snacks together, we have some of the best talks in the early hours of the morning.

"So, Lloyd huh?" I was wondering how long it would take for him to bring up Lloyd.

"Yeah, we dated, but I thought exes were off the table."

"Oh don't worry, I'm not getting all crazy about it, it was a long time ago, but seems like you more than dated him." He raises an eyebrow.

"You _are not_ asking me that."

"I don't have to, he made it _pretty_ clear. Very classy guy." The sarcasm is evident. "Anyway, I get to comment on at least one of your boyfriends, you know about way too many of my girlfriends."

I cannot argue with that, I have heard about quite a few of the women he's slept with, or met them. Not that he has run around telling me about them, but everyone else sure did at different points, not to mention the ones I knew about when he was a med student. And I can guarantee there are women I know nothing about, as cute, sweet and innocent as he looked at 24, he definitely was not inexperienced, he had me coming back for more. What woman wouldn't?

"I know, come on I was like 15 when I dated him. Like you weren't having sex when you were 15."

"Of course I was, but I don't go around 20 years later telling their husbands about it. Well more like making very insinuating remarks, in front of his own wife no less. I mean, come on the 'shed is still standing'?"

I stop and think about this for a second, and realize he is right, Lloyd was very rude. How would I feel if John made a comment like that to another guy, in front of me about how and where he'd had sex with the guy's wife? He is pretty respectful, I mean, I would never have known he'd been with Tiffany if they weren't open about the fact they had dated. It made sense that they'd slept together at some point, though John had never come out and said it, or made rude comments about being with her. In fact I was certain he was Tiffany's first sex partner, based on her 'first real boyfriend' comment the day we went shopping, but that was Tiffany and our girl talk, not John rudely making a big deal about it.

"I guess you have better manners than he does. Anyway, Jim would deck you if you started up about his wife."

He frowns at me. "Like I ever would, it was already a bit weird when she started dating Jim. But we acted like adults about it, and now it's water under the bridge. I don't talk about any of the other girls either, or make suggestive comments."

"No, you don't. Other girls, how many were there?"

John gives me a look. "I think we just don't go there, Susan."

That many? I have to wonder, what is his number? Then I shake off the thought, since I can already name quite a few women that I know he slept with, I don't think I really want to know.

"Yeah, never mind. How old were you the first time, though, and who was it?"

"Now that would be telling. Does it matter?"

"I'll tell you first."

"Nope, not interested, especially if he's here. I simply don't want to know, it is something that is private."

"I'm your wife, John, surely you can tell me of all people."

"To what end, you know way too much about my sex life as it is, you know I'm not a choir boy, and you know about or have met way too many of my former girlfriends. Doesn't that bother you? Hearing all about who I've been with?"

"Well, obviously it did at one point, but now?" I shrug. "I have accepted that you have for sure slept with way more women than I have men, and recognized it doesn't change our relationship."

"Way more? You really do think I'm a slut."

"No, I don't. I really don't, John. It makes you pretty normal, you've had girlfriends, and I know you didn't randomly pick up women, unless you were lying to me that night in the pub. And you're capable of being with just one woman at a time, unlike say….Doug or Luka. Nice guys, but I wouldn't want to know their numbers."

He laughs a bit. "No I didn't lie to you, I was never really into just picking up women for casual sex. I guess when you put it that way, I definitely don't come close to number of women they've been with, and I would never want to."

"I would still have slept with you that night, you know, and I freely admit that I enjoyed it. That was great sex, I was kind of wishing I had gone to bed with you earlier."

"Yeah, I wish you had too." He gives me a little suggestive wink and I give him a little chastising look. "It's true, and you know it, I liked you from pretty much the first time I saw you."

"Yeah, okay, I do know that's true, you would have been more than willing to console me after Div left. And I kind of wish I had let you, but on another level, I'm glad I didn't. You know Chloe was there staying with me and that is the night she told me she was pregnant with Susie. And if we had slept together then, the night at the pub wouldn't have happened and we wouldn't have Brooklynn. I know we didn't plan having a baby, but I sure did want her when I found out I was pregnant, I wouldn't change that night, not a minute of it."

"Me either, look where we are now, I love that little girl. She obviously made you happy, and I'm glad you kept her, it makes it easier to know how much you wanted her, how much you loved her."

I know what he is saying to me, I have obtained complete forgiveness from him, and I know he understands.

"I shouldn't admit this, but I was getting dressed the next morning so I could go home and get ready for work, and I was thinking how sweet and innocent you always looked."

"Really? I hadn't been innocent for a very long while before that, but I guess you kind of figured that out."

"Uh, yeah, I realized it pretty quickly, it was the best sex I'd ever had. Quite a surprise, considering most of my boyfriends to that point had been older than me by at least a couple years."

"The best huh." He gives me a smile.

"Don't get all conceited about it now. So how old _were_ you? I'll tell you if you tell me."

"Whoever was your first, I really don't want to hear about it."

"Why not? I mean, I can bet for you it was Tiffany."

"No, it wasn't actually."

"Really? I would have put money on it. So before you were 15 then?"

"Right and I can guarantee you, not Tiffany, good thing you didn't place any bets. No more questions."

"You were younger than I was my first time, I was 15, and I am pretty sure it was his first time too, or he was just really terrible. I won't tell you who though."

"Good, I don't want to know."

"At least tell me how old."

"No. Stop okay?" He is getting annoyed, and I wonder why he won't tell me. It's not like he waited until he was done high school or something, I know he didn't. Some guys would be embarrassed to admit they were 16 or older before they lost their virginity, but he was certainly younger than that, probably 14 or younger.

"Why is it a big deal?" Why _is_ it such a big deal to him? I don't always understand what is going on in his head.

"Look, you know it was before I was 15, it was obvious I wasn't innocent or inexperienced when we first slept together. Leave it alone." There is a challenge in his voice. Something about the way he says that, makes my heart almost stop. _Leave it alone?_ Something is niggling at my subconscious, but I don't know why it is bothering me so much. I push the thought away and I leave it.

"Okay." I don't want to ruin our evening so I give him a quick kiss, heading into the bathroom to freshen up and brush my teeth.

While I was gone, he put the dirty dishes out for collection and he disappears into the bathroom for a few minutes and then is back. I am standing in our dimly lit room, looking out the window. I can see the moon, which hangs over the lake, leaving a shining path across the water, but the stars are obliterated by the city lights.

John comes up behind me a slips his arms around my waist and I lean back against him. "You know, you drew the attention of nearly every man in that room? You looked so beautiful tonight." He is back to being himself, the annoyance evaporated quickly. He lifts my hair and kisses my neck, my shoulders, and I feel a little shiver of desire as his lips track across my skin.

I turn and put my arms around his neck, one hand wrapped around his neck. "You looked pretty great yourself, and I feel like a lucky lady, the best guy in the room was my husband." I stroke his cheek with my fingertips.

"Then I guess we're both lucky, because I got the most beautiful woman in the room as my wife." His lips descend on mine, I part my lips and welcome his tongue into my mouth. I feel him undoing my dress and it slithers into a soft pool at my feet. I love it when he undresses me, he makes the removal of each piece of clothing a sensual part of the lovemaking. I work on his shirt, pulling it out of his pants and undoing the buttons. Slowly we undress each other, finally ending up between the sheets of the massive bed. His hands, lips and tongue work their magic, he has my body singing in pleasure, as he claims me as his, and his alone. And I claim him as mine. I burrow into his arms afterwards in contentment.

"I love you, more every day." I murmur against his firm warm chest. I can feel his lips touch the top of my head.

"I love you too."

We both drift off to sleep, much later I wake to soft kisses. "It's 7am, how much time do you need to get ready?"

"Less than an hour." I kiss him back, wrapping my arms around him, running my fingers through his hair and down his back and we make love again. I feel like I will never stop wanting this man. We finally drag ourselves out of bed and into the shower, and at 8:50am we are both dressed and ready to go to breakfast.

We wander into the restaurant, and find the other six have already arrived and gotten us a table. Lisa smiles as we come in.

"Good morning, I thought we were going to have to send a search party for you two."

"We said 9am, right?" John pulls out my chair for me as he usually does, Lisa raises an eyebrow but says nothing. I don't think any of the other husbands would even think of doing that, but John's grandmother is very strict with manners. He spent a lot of time in her house growing up, and I know who to thank, John was certainly groomed from a young age, his manners are impeccable.

"We did, but everyone was early I guess, I see it is just coming up on 9 now."

There is a lot of chatter around the table, Kent starts to talk to John.

"Where did you grow up, John?"

"Chicago, I was born here."

"Oh, what area did you live in?"

"Oakbrook. You?"

Kent pauses with his fork part way to his mouth, finishes his bite, and then continues.

"Same area as Suze. Oakbrook, wow, that's a swanky neighborhood."

"I suppose."

Rudy laughs. "You suppose? All the houses there are in the millions of dollars, some of them are mega mansions, there are a couple on huge parcels of land, and I think some of them have tennis courts, stables and swimming pools. That billionaire guy Davis lives out there. Can you imagine living like that?"

I _can_ actually, it’s pretty damn nice most days, but of course I don’t comment.  I certainly don’t tell them that Tiffany Davis helped me pick out the dress I wore last night.  I don’t really want to tell Rudy we live in one of the mansions with the huge parcel of land, tennis courts, swimming pool and stables.

John says nothing either, his eyes are sparkling a bit in amusement, but he keeps a totally straight face and continues eating. I know he is not going to say anything further unless asked.

"Do your parents still live out there?"

"No, they sold their house a few years ago, they don't spend much time in Chicago. What about you, have you lived in Chicago all your life?"

John leads him off on another track, countering with his own questions, getting both Rudy and Kent to talk about themselves.

Lisa is beside me. "Kent and I finally bought a house, kind of close to where we grew up, it is nice. I suppose you and John have a house? With four kids and all."

“We do, we have one in town, which is rented out right now to another doctor at Northwestern, and we are staying with his grandmother. She's in her late 70's and needs some family around, and she has more room than she need, we were looking at needing a bigger house with the twins and adopting Susie." I have filled her in on Chloe and Susie, and our adoption proceedings.

"Oh that's nice, must be a bit cozy living with his grandmother, but she must appreciate the help around the house." I know John has heard this, a little smile plays around his lips. Like he ever has to 'help around the house', the guy barely knows how to use a washing machine. Though he is surprisingly good at other tasks, so not completely hopeless, I remember him decorating Brooklynn's room and cutting down the tree at Christmas. He is also extremely intelligent so he _could_ learn to do just about anything if he needed to, he is resourceful and talented.

"Oh, she has plenty of room, and plenty of help, she just likes having her grandson and great grandkids around. I'm a little spoiled really, we have lots of help with the kids and of course Susie and Brooklynn are in school full time. Having the year off has been great, I am sure I will be back to work in October though."

"You took year off work? How did you swing that? I was lucky to get 8 weeks."

"I took a leave of absence from the hospital. It was great, John and I went to London and Paris last month, kind of a belated honeymoon as I couldn't travel last fall. The doctor grounded me being pregnant with twins. I've been busy with the twins, and doing some catch up on reading and research, working on an article for publishing in a medical journal."

"But still with 4 kids, how do you manage on only one salary. We only have two kids and we need both of our incomes. Though I guess with John being a doctor, it must be about equivalent to our two salaries."

"Perhaps, we do all right."

John catches this last bit and gets a bit of a smirk on his face, I think it amuses him that I am trying to downplay our lifestyle with my school friends, and maybe, just maybe, I am starting to understand why he acts the way he does at the hospital. I know at times I’ve given him a hard time about having so much wealth, but the more I see of his life, the more I understand the phrase ‘ _money isn't everything'._

Once we are done eating, John picks up the bill for breakfast, which surprises everyone but me.

"Whoa doc, that is quite a bill, I am sure everyone can chip in their share." Kent eyes widen as he catches a glimpse of the bill, which for eight people is actually not that bad, but in my previous life it would have been more than I could afford. Obviously Kent still lives in that world, where a breakfast bill for a couple hundred dollars just might make the difference between eating….and not eating the rest of the month.

"Oh, I think I can manage it. It's just breakfast, Kent."

"Yeah, over $200 worth of breakfast, and you have 4 kids and a wife to feed."

"Really, it's not a problem, I'll just have Susan work a couple extra shifts to cover it." He gives me an exaggerated wink, and Kent smiles.

"Okay, fine, you doctors must make good money."

He drops his platinum card on the tray for the server and Kent eyes it.

"I've never seen a credit card like that before. Where do you get those?"

"Well the usual place, my bank gave it to me."

"Your bank. Just like that?"

"Yes."

"I have only seen those a couple times at work, I didn't know ER doctors made that much money to get special treatment. Though I guess a family with _two doctors_ gets special treatment."

"But your name is Carter, right?" Rudy has a jocular tone to his voice. "You're probably related to the Carters that have their name on half the buildings in town – you know like the Symphony Hall? I bet you have tons of money." He laughs like he has made the biggest joke in the world, not realizing he is absolutely correct.

"Yes, I'm familiar with it, my grandmother was very involved in the project. Our Family Charitable Foundation supports a lot of different initiatives, mostly related to the arts, at the moment anyway." John is deadpan when he says this.

Rudy stares at him for a minute, then shakes his head and grins.

"Ah, you're a funny guy, you almost had me going for a minute there Doc – your 'Family Charitable Foundation'." Rudy does little quote marks with his fingers. "Good one. You can't be one of _those_ Carter's, if you were it would mean our little Suze here married a millionaire. And you work in an ER, like a millionaire would be caught dead working in a hospital Emergency Room. Ah, nope don't believe you buddy, must be great though, getting people to believe you're one of _those_ Carters, would be kind of nice though, wouldn't it? All that money, I'd never work again."

John shrugs, it says 'suit yourself' then excuses himself from the table, going up to the bar to sign the slip for the server, and I think he is getting tired of the conversation. He is not going to correct Rudy, but he likely knows what is coming. I see him disappear towards the bathrooms.

Lisa is now staring at me intently.

"Is he really? He's related to the Carter family that supports all those charities?" She hisses under her breath. "Is that the grandmother you live with?"

I give a little noncommittal shrug and raise my eyebrows.

"Millicent Carter is his grandmother."

Kent's eyes widen slightly as he starts to realize that John is actually not kidding about being related to the Symphony Hall Carters.

"Oakbrook. Is that where you live now? And that Rock on your finger is actually real?"

I look at my left hand.

"Well, yeah, Kent, it's my engagement and wedding ring, of course they're real. Did you think they were costume jewellery?"

"Kind of, that is a lot of diamonds Susan, what is that 5 carats worth of bling?"

"Just over 6, and very real, I assure you. The engagement ring is a family heirloom actually."

Rudy is staring at me.

"He's an ER doctor, but you are saying he's like, really rich? He wasn't kidding about being related to _those_ Carter's? _You_ are married to a millionaire. We've been sitting around having breakfast with a millionaire?"

I feel like it's the inquisition, my friends are all staring at me like I've grown two heads.

"Wow, Susan, that's crazy, you actually married a millionaire? No wait, if he's one of _those_ Carters, he's a multi-millionaire." Lisa whispers this as her eyes widen. "He acts so…normal."

"Why are you surprised? He's never been one of those snobby rich people, he works very hard as a doctor, he loves medicine and he is way too smart to be sitting around on a beach doing nothing with his life. He is actually brilliant, and great at his job, highly respected at work, and he could have gone all the way as a surgeon but he chose Emergency Medicine as he prefers the patient contact."

Kent looks over at me. "Well, he would have to be pretty intelligent, you don't go to Penn and get a medical degree without a lot of hard work, do you Suze? You were always at the top of your class, and the fact you became a doctor is no surprise at all. Why wouldn't the guy marry you, you're beautiful, smart and caring, I never doubted you would go far in life. He seems really great, you look happy."

"Thanks Kent, I am very happy with my life. John is an incredibly wonderful husband, a terrific father and I love him. Don't judge without knowing him." I see John on his way back to the table.

The minute he sits down he knows, everyone at the table has figured it out. But typically, he just continues on, like nothing has changed.

"So, we should get going, I promised the girls they could get some riding in today."

Rudy is staring at him now.

"Don't tell me, you have stables?"

"Well, my grandmother does, yes."

I change the topic of conversation, and ask Lisa, Madeline and Sandy for their contact information. Lisa and Kent are in town for a couple days, then they head back to New York, Madeline and Sandy live in the outskirts of Chicago, so I might see them, but I must say I am not overly fond of Rudy.

We all hug and say good bye, John and I go back up to the suite and I give a big sigh of relief.

"It got a bit like the inquisition, sorry about that."

"Never mind Susan, I'm used to it, remember? I quite like your friends Lisa and Kent, you could invite them out for dinner before they go home if you would like more time to catch up. I can't say that I want to spend any more time with Rudy, though, Madeline seems nice enough. Sandy and Max barely said a word, so I'm not sure about them."

"I'll call Lisa later then, make sure she's not around Mads. I'll go for a coffee with her another day, see how she's feeling."

John shakes his head. "Be careful with that, please, I don't need to lose my job or license."

"So out for dinner, as in out to a restaurant, or out to the house?"

"You choose, if you want them to meet the kids, then the house would be easier, if you want just an adult thing, then a restaurant."

"Okay, I'll think about it. So home then?" We collect up our things and go down to check out, and John reviews our bill while the valet gets the car and the bell boy carries out the luggage.


	45. Chapter 45

We are almost home when John's cell phone rings. He is driving so I pick it up.

"Hello."

"Oh, sorry, I think I have the wrong number." The distinct British accent travels down the line. I know who this is.

"Elizabeth?" I can see John glance over at me with raised eyebrows.

"Yes, who's this? I'm trying to reach John Carter." She has a cute way of saying Carter, I have to admit I love her accent even though she and I never really got along. She didn't like the fact that I had been good friends with her husband, and maybe she thought that I was competition when I came back. How wrong she was, I never loved Mark like that, it was always Carter.

"It's Susan, John's driving." Who else would it be? I'm a little annoyed, why is she calling?

John pulls over to the side of the road and holds out his hand and I give him the phone. "Elizabeth, hi, what's up? No I'm off today." He is listening intently. "When was that?" He gets a very concerned look on his face. "She what! Are you kidding me?" He looks over at me and mouths 'Rachel'.

"What's going on?" I whisper at him, but he holds up a finger to signal me to wait.

"Of course, we're almost home. When is your flight?" He sighs. "Well, its a couple hours flight, so by the time I get to the airport probably about 4 or so."

I am frowning at him. "John?" Flight? Where is he going?

"I'll be home in about 10 minutes and I'll book one right away. Can you send me everything you've got? Contact information, her cell phone number?" He pauses. "Well the police should be able to trace it. Can you call the precinct and let them know I'm coming? Give them my cell phone number." He listens and I can hear her near hysterical voice though I can't catch what she is saying. "Don't worry, okay? Just catch your flight, and I'll do what I can until you get to Philly."

"Philadelphia?" I say this softly and John glances over at me.

"I know a couple, yes. Look, let me get home so I can book a flight and pack, I'll call you when I'm on my way to the airport. Yes, I'll hurry."

He clicks the phone off and pulls back out into traffic.

"What is going on?"

"Rachel. She called Elizabeth from Philadelphia, Jen is nowhere to be found. Rachel is in some sort of trouble."

"What kind of trouble?"

"I'm not sure but it sounds….bad. The police are out looking for her."

"Why is Elizabeth calling you? Where is she?"

"England. She is on her way to Heathrow, but by the time she gets here that's like 10 to 12 hours. I can be there much sooner, and I promised Mark I would be there if Rachel ever needed us. I promised _Rachel_ I'd be there too. I'll drop you at home with the kids. Can you call Katie? Her number is on my speed dial under 'W', soonest flight, hotel room, and rental car. Ask her to book a second room for Elizabeth."

"I'm coming with you."

"What about the kids?"

"I want to come, if it's more than a couple days, I'll come home, but this is Rachel. Maybe I can help."

He nods. "Okay." He knows I am not going to argue with him. I am coming with him whether he likes it or not.

I scroll down and find Katie's number and give her the instructions, and by the time I'm done we are pulling into the garage. John is all business, we give the girls quick hugs, then we both head up the stairs to pack. In less than 10 minutes we each have an overnight bag and Alger is waiting with the car out front to take us to the airport.

We fill in Millicent and Louisa quickly on the situation, letting them know this is an emergency trip, give the kids all hugs and kisses and we are in the car on our way to the airport. John hits his speed dial.

"Elizabeth, I'm going to put you on speaker phone okay? Fill us in."

"Us?"

"Susan's here, and we are on the way to O'Hare now."

She gives us a rundown on the situation. Rachel called sounding disoriented and said she was in Philly. The police have traced the last call from her cell phone into a rough neighborhood and they are searching for her. She is still waiting for her flight which has been delayed several hours due to mechanical problems on the aircraft. She has tried in vain to get hold of Jennifer, her law office has stated she is out of the country at the moment, but won't give up any information to make it easier for Elizabeth to find her. The best they were willing to do was give a message if she called in.

John assures her we will be there as soon as possible and call if we hear any news.

We arrive and get through security just as the boarding of our flight is called, we settle into our seats and by some miracle our flight leaves on time.

I am fidgeting in my seat, and John reaches over to take my hand. "Relax Susan, nothing you can do until we get there."

"I know, I know, I'll be fine."

John is fuming too though. "How could Jennifer go out of the country and leave Rachel alone? The girl is barely 16 and has been traumatized by the loss of her father. That woman is not fit to have kids."

Ironically it's my turn to tell him to relax. "John, calm down, we'll find Rachel."

Finally we are landing, luckily we just have carry on bags and we are in First Class so we can exit the plane quickly. We pick up the rental car within minutes, stow the bags and John pulls smoothly away from the curb.

"This should be fun, trying to find our way around, I've never been to Philadelphia."

"Uh, yeah, well I have, I lived here for a while."

"What?" Right, he went to Penn. "Oh of course, University."

"Yes, so relax. I know where we are going, the precinct first, see what information they have."

The officer at the front desk seems to know we were expected, and sends us over to the officer in charge of the missing persons file. They fill us in on where Rachel was last seen, but they still have not located her. Rather than sit around, John and I are going to look for her. John has tried several times to reach her cell phone, and keeps getting her voice mail, but he leaves her a couple messages just in case.

"Thanks for your time Officer Heinz, here is my cell phone number, could you call if anyone locates her? We will look for her as well, I know Philly a bit, and we can't just sit around."

The officer nods and takes the card John holds out. "Be careful, she could be in a rough area, call if you need me, or if you locate her."

John drives and I watch out the window, looking at every face I can trying to spot Rachel. It feels futile and we have been out here for hours, periodically checking in at the precinct to see if there is any word. Then John's cell phone rings and he answers it right away.

"Rachel?" He pulls over to the side of the road. "Rachel, where are you?"

I can hear her voice, high pitched and full of tears, though I can't make out a single word.

"What is around you? A store? A street sign? Anything? Rachel?"

I hear more hysterical babbling.

"No, I'm in Philly, if you can see a landmark, anything, I'll come and get you. Yes, really." He pauses. "Okay, don't hang up, I'm going to let you talk to Susan, and we are coming to get you. Don't move." He hands me the phone. "Talk to her, don't let her hang up, I think I know where she is."

"Hi Rachel, its Susan."

"You're here? In Philadelphia?"

"Yes, we came to find you. So hang tight and don't move, okay? What is around you?"

I keep her talking, she's crying and sounds really scared. Finally we are in a not so nice looking area.

"Tell her I am going to flash my lights twice, and she should walk towards us if she can. We need to get her in the car and get out of this area as quickly as possible."

I relay the message to Rachel.

"She sees us, but she can't walk." I breathe a sigh of relief. "She says she's just ahead of us. Keep going and she'll let us know when we're close."

"Okay, so we'll get her in the car, you go in back with her. I'll get us out of here, and if she's hurt then we'll go to the ER. You can phone the precinct on the way to let them know we've got her, and call Elizabeth's cell and leave a message if she doesn't answer, she might be in the air." He is scanning as we drive slowly forward.

"There, she's there!" I point and John pulls the car over. He is out in a flash and picks her up, getting her into the back of the car with me, just as the flashing lights come on.

"Susan, call the precinct, now." He is very firm. Rachel is crying uncontrollably and shivering.

"The police are here, it'll be fine."

"No it won't. Call now while you can. Now!"

I don't know why he is getting so bossy, until the police get out of their car. Then I understand.

"Hands in the air. Don't move." They have their weapons out and trained on John as I hit the speed dial. I wait nervously for the lead officer to get on the phone, as I watch them make John get down on the ground and they are searching him, for what I don't know. They are not being gentle, they force his hands behind him and cuff him, finally yanking him up off the pavement.

"Officer Heinz, we have her, but there are some officers arresting my husband. We're in North Philly." I give them the street name and hold on to Rachel and they virtually throw John up against the car and rip open the door.

John is talking calmly. "We're doctors, from Chicago, there is a missing persons out on the girl, she's Rachel Greene. Call Officer Heinz."

"Shut up, we didn't ask you, keep it zipped and you won't get hurt. Cruising for drugs, and looking for prostitutes, like em young, do you doc?" The officer sneers and slaps John upside the head. "It's okay young lady, we won't let him hurt you."

"Dr. Carter wasn't going to hurt me, please let him go." Rachel is pleading with the officer who looks at her skeptically. "He's a friend, they came to help me." He simply ignores her and takes John, forcing him into the back of the police car.

After what seems like forever, the officers radio crackles and the one answers, walking away. I hold onto Rachel. "It's okay, we'll get him back. He'll be fine." I am not sure this is entirely true, I am a little panicked myself, and I hope he's okay.

Another police car pulls up and I sigh in relief as I recognize one of the officers we talked to earlier. He gets John out of the back of the police cruiser and undoes his cuffs, John rubs his wrists and talks to the newly arrived team. They walk him back to the car, push the back door shut and John gets in the driver's seat.

"What was that about?"

"This is a bad area, we were cruising slowly which is what people do when they are looking for a dealer. We are leaving now, following the cruiser to the hospital and we will sort things out there."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine." He turns over the engine, and pulls out, following the police cruiser until we reach the hospital Emergency Room. He parks the car behind the police and then they escort us in.

We sign in at triage, John has some nasty scrapes and a good bruise starting on his cheekbone, and Rachel is freezing cold and her ankle appears to be broken. The officers pull some strings and get us in right away, we are shown to a room with two beds and they put John on one and Rachel on another. A young med student starts the paperwork, and then a lovely blond comes into the room, takes a look at the charts and then stops short. She looks up and right at John.

"John? I thought my eyes were deceiving me when I saw your name on the chart. What are you doing in Philly?"

"Anna? How are you?"

"Maybe the question is how are you? You look a little banged up, what is it with you and the police?" She steps over and gives him a hug.

He laughs. "You know me, trouble with authority. I'm fine, take a look at Rachel first. She needs to be warmed up and we think her ankle is broken, she needs something for the pain."

Anna as he calls her approaches the bed I am sitting on with Rachel. "Hi Rachel, I'm Dr. Del Amico." She smiles at me.

"I'm Dr. Susan Lewis." Right now I wish I had changed my name to Carter, she keeps looking at John like he's her long lost soul mate.

"Another doctor, what specialty?"

"Emergency Medicine."

"Oh same as John." She looks over at the nurse. "A couple of heated blankets please, start an IV to rehydrate." She checks Rachel's ankle. "We need a film on this ankle." She rattles off a list of standard tests, and asks Rachel some questions about medications, which she is hesitant to answer, she gives John a sideways look.

"Rach, its okay, just answer Dr. Del Amico."

Rachel looks ashamed and shakes her head.

"Do you want Susan and me to step outside so you can talk to the doctor?" Rachel nods, so John takes my hand and we step out of the room.

"I wonder what she's on."

"What?" I look at John.

"She's high, Susan, when we go back in, take a look at her pupils. She's using, and who knows what else she's been up to."

The doctor comes out.

"Anna, can you run a tox screen on her? Or did she tell you what she's taking?"

"You still don't miss much, do you John. Are you her guardian?"

"No, but her stepmom asked us to help, she's Mark Greene's daughter,"

"So she said, why isn't he here."

"He died last year, a malignant brain tumour."

Anna puts her hand up to her mouth. "Oh wow, the poor girl. Mark was such a great doctor, I bet he's missed at County. How are things there anyway?"

"Okay I guess, but I went to Northwestern, long story, I'll fill you in sometime."

Anna reaches out to touch his ring. "You're married."

"Yes, to Susan. Dr. Lewis."

Anna turns to me. "Oh, I didn't realize, your name is Lewis, not Carter."

I smile. "Well, we work together, so two Carters in the ER would not work so well."

Anna laughs. "I just bet, two Carters that sounds like trouble." Seems to be the popular comment from co-workers when I say why I haven't changed my name. John Carter does not always follow the rules, that is a given.

"Hey, I'm not that bad."

"No, just stubborn and a little crazy sometimes. I worked with John at County about 4 years ago." I kind of gathered that, and she knows him really well, I can tell. She is so his type, I feel a little jealous. "So we should give you a quick check here too, get those scrapes cleaned up, while we wait for the film and labs on Rachel. We'll probably need to give her a cast too."

We go back into the room, Rachel is dozing now, and she is covered with a couple blankets and has been given some pain medication.

Dr. Del Amico…. _Anna….._ checks John's cheek and cleans up his scrapes, doing it all herself rather than delegating. Yup, they were definitely close at County, they have an easy comradery.

"How's Max?"

"Oh, I don't know. We broke up about 3 years ago. When you're right, you're right, John. I should never have gotten back together with him, I should have stayed in Chicago."

"I'm sorry it didn't work out, I wish I'd been wrong."

"It's okay, I'll survive. I'll find the right guy someday, I sometimes wonder if I did and let him get away." She has her back towards me and I can't see her or John's face as she says this, but I think I am correct, there was something between them at some point. "So, how's life for you? How long have you been married?"

"Almost a year, though I've known Susan for a long time, she used to work at County when I first started there."

"Mmmm. That's great, so how long ago did you meet?"

"9 years."

"Wow, so a long time. You two are thinking about a family?"

"Not thinking about it….we have a family. Susie's 8, Brooklynn is 6 and the twins are almost 7 months."

I can see Anna stop what she is doing. "You have 4 kids?" She glances over at me. "So Susie and Brooklynn must be yours? I mean, you didn't have any children that I was aware of John."

"Ah, well, long story, but we adopted Susie, but Brooklynn and the twins are mine."

"I never knew you had a daughter, you never said." She sounds a little…hurt and confused.

"Well, like I said, long story. We have a lot to catch up on."

"I'm finished here, no major damage. I'll be back when I have the labs and the x-ray."

"Thanks Anna." She leaves the room and I look over at John.

"What?"

"She is so your type, how long did you date."

"We didn't, we hung out a lot, we were good friends but we didn't date."

"Right, 'I let him get away', that wasn't directed at you?"

"I doubt it, she was hung up on Max, and she came back to Philly to be with him, seriously, we never dated."

"Hmmm, well, I think she had some feelings for you. Don't tell me you didn't have any for her."

"Don't, okay?" He looks meaningfully at Rachel in the bed beside me. "If you want to talk about it, then later." He walks idly over to the bed and flips open her chart, scanning it quickly while keeping an eye on the bed. I don't like the look on his face, but he masks it quickly.

I nod. "Okay."

"I'm going to go and try Elizabeth again." He leaves and comes back shortly. "She's still stuck in Heathrow, I told her she might want to just go to Chicago at this point, we can take Rachel back with us. Though if that ankle is broken we might need to drive, she won't be able to fly for a while."

"She must be relieved."

"She is, she was frantic. I told her she can stay at the house if she needs, hers is rented out right now."

Great. Elizabeth and I never really got along that well, but she loves John. They have kept in touch and seemed to be friends even before Mark died. I will make the best of it though.

"Sure, sounds terrific." My voice must give me away.

He gives me a look and laughs, but doesn't say anything, Rachel may be asleep, or she might just be playing possum. He knows that Elizabeth and I will never be best buddies.

Anna breezes back in with films, she puts them up on the reader and flicks on the light. John steps over and they start to discuss them, standing pretty damn close I might add. Like they've done this a thousand times. And it occurs to me that they have, they have worked in trauma together, physical closeness is not uncommon in the trauma room, and everyone bunched up around the patient. They were close, he can't fool me, I know him too well.

Anna squeezes Johns arm then gives instructions to the nurse to cast her ankle. She tacks the lab results onto her chart and gives John a meaningful look before she leaves.

Rachel opens her eyes, she is less panicked now. "Thank you." She whispers to us, and we both nod. The nurse is busy casting her ankle, John is paying close attention to what they are doing.

"I'm going to get a coffee. Susan?" I nod. "Rach? Can I get you anything? Anyone hungry?"

"A soda, I don't care what kind. And can I have a burger or something?" Rachel looks hopeful.

"Sure. I'll be back in a few minutes." He nonchalantly walks out of the room, and I know he is going to find Anna to see what she has to say.

He is gone for about 45 minutes, and arrives back with burger and fries for Rachel, a Chicken burger and salad for me, two coffees and a soda for Rachel.

"Did you eat something?" I am concerned he isn't eating.

"Yeah, I did, I had a quick sandwich while they were making the burgers." This is not the entire truth, but I think he doesn't want Rachel to know he talked to Anna.

Anna comes in and asks Rachel if they can talk, and if it's okay if John and I stay. She looks a bit upset, but she finally nods. "Okay" she whispers.

"You're labs came back and I have some concerns. You have a sexually transmitted infection, which I am going to give you a shot of antibiotic for, and it will clear it up. However, it is recommended with this infection that we do HIV testing, we can do a rapid test that will be back quickly. You and I already talked about the drug use and I think we should get you some help. I understand you might prefer to do this in Chicago, so if Dr. Carter and Dr. Lewis agree to escort you home, they can certainly get you into a treatment program."

Rachel looks ashamed of herself, but neither John nor I react negatively, we both impassively listen, though my heart is thumping.

"I might have AIDS?" I can hear the tears in her voice.

"We don't know unless we test, but it is just a precaution. I'd like to send the blood work now, okay?"

Rachel shakes her head, she looks scared, like she just can't deal with this.

John sits on the edge of Rachel's bed and takes her hand. "Rach, she's right, we should have you tested. Then you can know for sure, and start treatment if needed. They have some great treatment options now, and the earlier you start the better. But it might be fine, you might not even test positive."

She looks at John for a long moment, then she nods sadly, and Anna marks something on her chart and quickly pulls another vial of blood. I watch as the nurse hurries off with it.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath. Drugs. Unprotected sex, and an STI with the possibility of HIV. No wonder he had that look on his face when he read the chart. Jen has let the girl run wild, too busy with her career.

Anna gives Rachel an antibiotic shot, John is still holding Rachel's hand.

"I'm sorry Dr. Carter, I know I'm disgusting right?"

"No, Rach, you're not disgusting." He pulls her in for a hug, and she breaks down and cries, and he just lets her, but he doesn't let her go. "Anna, can we have a few minute alone with Rachel?"

"Sure, I'll come back as soon as I have the blood test results." As much as it bothers me that she has such a strong connection to John, Anna seems to be a very competent and compassionate doctor. I can't help but like her, just a little.

"Rach, can you tell us what has been going on?" His voice is gentle. "Where is your mom?"

"Oh who knows, she doesn't care about me. She's off at work, she's never home and she leaves me at home with _him."_

"Him?" John has a question in his voice.

"Her new husband, he's creepy."

John takes a deep breath and I see him take a moment before he asks. "Rach, does he do anything to you?"

I feel nauseous at this question, John's voice is pretty flat, but I can tell he is angry. Not at Rachel, but at the thought that there might be someone hurting Rachel.

Rachel is silent and John looks over at me, then back at Rachel as he continues. "Rachel, if he is doing anything inappropriate to you, we need to know. We can help you, make sure you're safe."

"I'm disgusting. My mom says I'm a disgusting girl." My heart starts to beat more quickly, I am terrified about what she is going to say.

"No, he's a grown man, and you are a _teenage_ girl. If he is doing anything to you, it is not your fault, and your mom is way out of line. You know that, I know deep down you know that it is not your fault, a grown man should know better, he is the one who is disgusting, not you."

"My mom doesn't believe me. That he has tried to touch me, but I run and lock myself in the bedroom or sneak out my window. I have never let him touch me, but my mom says it's my fault that he wants to, but I can tell she doesn't even really believe me. She says I'm lying because I don't like him."

"It's not your fault, Rachel, he's got a problem. I believe you, and I am glad he hasn't done anything, but you can't go back and live there as long as he's there too. We will work things out okay?"

"Really? You believe me?" She sounds hopeful.

"Yes. I believe you are scared of him, and you probably should not be in that house. We will deal with it, but I need you to be totally honest with me, about everything. Okay?"

"Okay." This comes out as barely a whisper.

"So, next we have to talk about the drugs. What are you using?"

She shakes her head. "You'll hate me, my mom hates me and Elizabeth will hate me too. She still blames me for Ella."

"No, I won't hate you, Susan won't hate you, and neither will Elizabeth. Drug addiction can happen to anyone, believe me, I know. I would like to get you help with it, okay? I know it is not easy to admit the problem, you can feel like your life is out of control, but we can get your through this, if you let us help and if you can be honest with me. You can get better, beat the addiction, and get your life back. You have so much potential, don't do this to yourself. What are you using Rach."

"A little pot, and….heroin sometimes." Rachel is looking down and can't see his face, he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Heroin, Chase's choice of drug, and often Chloe's as well. I feel my stomach flip, Rachel is going down a very dangerous path.

"Okay, thanks for telling me. Anything else?"

"GHB, but only twice."

The heavy duty ones. Wow, our little sweet Rachel.

"Nothing else? Do you drink alcohol?"

"Yeah, sometimes, I go to parties with my boyfriend."

You don't have any drugs on you?"

"No, I used the last of it."

"Where do you get your drugs?"

"My boyfriend, Kenny." She sobs slightly. "He keeps saying he loves me, but he gave me a sexually transmitted infection. What if he gave me AIDS?"

"We'll deal with that if we need to, once we have the test back. Don't worry Rachel, we don't know anything yet, okay?"

Rachel nods. John takes another breath, this is really hard to watch, but he is in doctor mode now, he is trying to keep her talking.

"Are you on birth control? Any chance you're pregnant?"

"I take the pill, so I don't think so." John looks over at me, and I scan the chart quickly, Anna did a blood test to rule out pregnancy, so I give him a little shake of my head.

"But you don't use condoms."

She shakes her head. "I know, I should be, but my boyfriend Kenny doesn't like to wear them."

"Oh Rach. You need to use them each and every time, okay?"

She nods. "I know, my dad freaked out when he thought I was even having sex, but he would be really mad at me for not using them."

"Well, parents don't want to know their kids are growing up, they don't want to know their little girl is turning into an adult. I promise, I'm not going to freak out at you, I just want you to be taking proper precautions."

"Yeah, because you're not my dad. He yelled at me for even having condoms, he thought I was having sex with everyone."

"No, I'm not your dad, but I still care. And I am sure he didn't think that, he was probably just worried about you." John sighs. " For your safety Rachel, to protect you from things like HIV and STI's, please promised that you will always use them in the future.. Birth control isn't 100% effective either, so it is good to have the extra protection against pregnancy as well, until you are an adult and in a position to take care of a baby."

"I know, I'm stupid, I get it, I won't do it again."

"You're not stupid Rachel, you are anything but. It happens, people take risks, but you know better. Anything else you want or need to tell me? And I mean anything Rachel. I won't be upset, or shocked or disappointed in you. Things happen in our life and sometimes we don't handle it well, or we don't get the help we need. But, I am going to make sure you get the help you need, and I will be there for you if you need anything. Okay?"

"I miss my dad." She is crying again. "I was so mean to him, but he let me come live with him, then I hurt Ella, and ruined his marriage and disappointed him. And my mom doesn't love me, she just wants me to go away. Elizabeth hates me for hurting Ella. Why do you care?"

John gives her another hug. "I know you miss him, you know what? So do I. He was a very good friend of mine, and of Susan's too. He loved you, and forgave you for everything, you were one of the most important things in his entire life. I care about you for a few reasons. Do you remember when you were little, you used to come into the ER all the time?" Rachel nods, sniffling a little. "Well, I watched you grow up, you were kind of like one of the family, everyone who worked there were really close. We were _like_ a family, we watched out for each other and you were part of that. Another reason is your dad, he was a very good friend to me, and it was the hardest thing for him to know he wouldn't be there to watch you grow up, to be there when you needed him, so he asked if I would help if you ever needed it."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I have gone through a lot of things in my life too. My parents are both still alive, but they were never around when I needed them. I have done things I'm not proud of either, and had problems, everyone does. My friends were there when I needed them, helped me get my life back on track, and you know what?"

"What?"

"Your dad was one of those friends. Anyway, the point is, I've been there Rachel, we have a lot more in common than you would ever believe. I was given second chances, my friends were there to help and look where I am now. I'm happy, I have a beautiful wife I love, kids I love, great friends around me, but I wouldn't have all of that _without help_ from my friends when I needed it. So, Susan and I are your friends, we are kind of like part of your family really, and we are here to help you. We want to help you Rachel, you can get through this. I know it looks bleak and hopeless right now, but I promise it will get better."

Rachel still looks a little unsure, but she doesn't seem quite as lost.

"You know who called me, frantically worried about you?"

She shook her head.

"Elizabeth. She is coming all the way from England, because she is that worried about you. You made a mistake, a serious one, but Ella is okay, and Elizabeth wants to help you too. That is how I knew you were in trouble, she called me and Susan and I came to Philly to find you, because Elizabeth couldn't get here quick enough. So, she doesn't hate you, Rachel."

Rachel is crying again, and John enfolds her in his arms. Anna comes in and takes a look at the scene, she looks a little teary herself. She knew and worked with Mark, she probably remembers Rachel as a little girl too, and she knows John quite well.

"Hey, good news, the test is negative." She pulls up a chair and Rachel lifts her head from John's chest.

"It is?"

"Yes. So that is a good start. If you have been having unprotected sex, and using drugs, you should be tested again in about 3 months, then again at 6 months. It is important and Dr. Carter can help you get this done at the appropriate intervals. The best thing is to not have sex, but we both know that is unlikely, so, you need to insist that your partner uses a condom. If he won't, then you shouldn't have sex with him. Condoms cut down on the chances of getting infections or being exposed to HIV by a large percentage, and it also protects your partner. So promise, use condoms if you are going to be sexually active."

Rachel nods. "Okay."

Anna looks at John. "She can be discharged whenever you are ready." She looks back at Rachel. "Promise you are going to let Dr. Carter get you safely home, okay? Philly can be a very rough place. I know Chicago can be too, but you grew up there so you know what areas you can go to safely, and where to stay away from."

"I will, I promise."

"John?"

He looks at her inquiringly. "You know the follow up, can you call me when you get safely home with her? I know she can't fly, so I am suspecting you are going to drive?"

"Yes, we have a hotel booked, so we will get some sleep and start first thing in the morning." He give her a hug. "Great to see you, Anna."

"You too. Keep in touch, okay? Very nice to meet you Susan, and Rachel, I remember you coming into the ER. You let Dr. Carter help okay?"


	46. Chapter 46

We still have a few things to deal with before we can leave the ER. John get Rachel discharged, and then we have to sit down with the officer who has been patiently waiting to speak to us.

"Dr. Carter, we apologize for the rough treatment. The officers thought you were cruising for drugs and when you picked up the girl, well, they thought the worst. However, that does not excuse how they treated you. You would be well within your rights to file a formal complaint. Be advised that they have stated they felt you were a danger, so they used what they considered reasonable force."

John sighs. "I think the officers need to be a little less forceful, I didn't resist at all, and yet I still ended up on the ground eating dirt. I don't know how they considered me a danger, I wasn't armed, all I did was put Rachel in the back of the rental car with Dr. Lewis. They didn't ask for ID, I identified myself, and asked them to call your precinct to verify, and to my knowledge they didn't do that."

The officer holds out a card and John takes it. "If you want to make a complaint, here is the contact information." He lowers his voice. "Between you and me, they do this all the time, they need to have a certain level of arrests, and they take out their aggression on anyone who gets caught on the wrong side of the tracks, so to speak."

John nods. "They took pictures of my injuries, and I'll talk to my legal counsel and see what they say."

"Legal counsel?"

"Yup, I have a very, very good lawyer, in Chicago. You might want to let the officers know that they should be a bit more careful who they rough up. My family knows Philly's Mayor quite well, actually. They should never assume anything. If there is nothing else, we would like to get Rachel out of here, so she can get some sleep."

"No, that's it. She was reported as a missing person by Dr. Corday, and it seems Rachel is in good hands." The officer stands and offers John his hand.

John shakes it. "Thank you for all your help, and let your Captain know we appreciated the back up. Your precinct certainly seems on top of things."

We gather up Rachel, she gets a wheelchair ride out to the loading area and John retrieves the rental car. He lifts her into the back, and gets her nicely settled, she is almost asleep by the time we get to the hotel.

John hands the keys to the valet, while the bell boy gets the bags, John scoops up Rachel in his arms and carries her to the elevator. They offer a wheelchair, but he shakes his head, she is clinging to him like she will never let him go.

They have booked us adjoining rooms, so we put Rachel into one of the rooms, leaving the adjoining door open so we can hear her. I am not worried about her going anywhere, her ankle must be very painful and she would not be moving very fast.

John allows her a couple pain tablets, Anna provided some for us from their drug lockup, so we are good until morning. We elevate her leg, get her comfortably set up in bed with a glass of water nearby. I have lent her some clean sweatpants and John has given her one of his t-shirts to sleep in, tomorrow we will get her properly bathed, but for now she just needs to sleep.

We step out on the balcony and talk in low voices.

"That was so hard to watch, but you were great with her."

"Even harder to keep emotion out of it, I hope we never have to go through this with one of our own kids. I don't think I could deal with it. I hope she was telling the truth about her step dad, that he hasn't ever touched her. I would lose it."

"She might be making it up, though. Mark had a hard time with her, not so long ago. He told me she could manipulate to get what she wanted. She lied quite a bit, the divorce, moving, the drugs – you what happened with Ella. She was hanging out with a bad crowd, played Mark and Jennifer against each other. Did Mark tell you any of this?"

He nodded. "I'm aware, believe me. I think she is a really good kid who has lost a lot. She needs to trust someone, and hopefully we can get her to open up. The drive back should be interesting, I will try and get her to talk to me more."

"Well, I'm glad someone is looking forward to it, I am not excited about sitting in a car for almost two days with a belligerent teenager."

"You could fly back if you wanted, I'll drive her, I don't mind."

"By yourself? Do you think that's such a good idea? She is making allegations against her stepfather, what if she decides to do that to you?"

"I don't think she would. I don't think she is making it up, and I don't want to think that way, Susan. But we will encourage her to talk about things as much as possible, get her counselling, I am sure the truth will come out. But she needs someone to have faith in her, to believe her, it took a lot of courage for her to admit all those things to me. For now she gets the benefit of the doubt, if we discounted it and found out he was abusing her, I couldn't live with that."

"I know, I hear you. Children are vulnerable, and if no one believes them, the abuser gets away with it over and over."

He just nods, he looks drained, and more than a little banged up at the moment.

"My worst nightmare, child abuse, drugs, alcohol, and exposing herself to serious illness with unprotected sex. I am glad she's at least on birth control, it would be tough to deal with a pregnancy. That damn Jennifer, where is she when all this is going on. Which reminds me, we should try Elizabeth again." He stepped in and grabbed his cell phone, and hit his speed dial. He listens, then leaves a message.

"Elizabeth, it's John, we're at the hotel, and Rachel is sleeping, and is okay. She has a broken ankle, so no flying, we are going to get some sleep and start the trip to Chicago in the morning. I left you Alger's number in my other message, he can pick you up and take you to the house after you arrive. Call us in the morning, we are going to bed soon and we are exhausted." He hangs up.

No kidding we are exhausted. We had a late night at the reunion, didn't sleep much, were awake early, then we flew to Philly. It is now about 2am and John is ready to crash.

"Go shower, and get into bed. You look done in." I rub his back, he nods and heads for the bathroom. I go in and check on Rachel who is fast asleep. She looks so sweet and innocent, how looks can be deceiving. She is far past innocent, and she is barely 16.

She really does have a lot in common with John. His parents were absentee, maybe for different reasons, but the result is the same. He fell into drug use due to lack of support, but again a bit different, I have always thought that PTSD was to blame for that, and I don't think he got into the risky sexual behavior Rachel did while he was using, he was trying to manage pain, both physical and mental.

I know I am not one to judge though, after all, I had an affair, which resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. John and I did have unprotected sex the one night when we were first together, but we were both medical professionals and cognizant of the risks, which were minimal considering how well we knew each other. I was an adult, not a teenage girl who was pressured into having unprotected sex with another addict, who has been using intravenous drugs.

I am not sure about her allegations on the abuse, but John is adamant that she gets the benefit of the doubt right now, He seems pretty sensitive to the issue, I guess he has seen too much of it in the ER. However, I am not leaving him alone with her. I am worried she will make some sort of allegations against him if they have to make an overnight stop. He is too trusting of her, she have been devious in the past, with Mark, Elizabeth and Jennifer, and he has had enough issues in his life. I would hate to see her take advantage of his kindness, I feel like Mark probably told me a lot more than he shared with John.

He comes out of the bathroom, his hair damp, but looking done in. He goes to look in on Rachel, and stands looking at her for a minute.

"I remember when she was just a little girl. They grow up too fast."

"I know, believe me, Susie and Brooklynn are growing up too, it seems like it was just yesterday they were only babies. Even the twins are 6 months old already." I put my arm around and lean into his chest.

"Our little babies are going to grow up to soon, aren't they? I miss them all, I really would like to get home tomorrow. Speaking of which, I really need to get some sleep, we have a long drive tomorrow." He rubs his back.

"Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine, just a little sore, those guys got rough and my back can't take it."

"We should have had it checked when we were in, why don't you lay down and I'll give you a bit of a massage. If it really hurts, we should give you one of Rachel's pain tablets."

"You know I don't like to take anything."

"I know, but if you don't, you may not sleep, and you really need some rest. Let me take a look, okay?"

I have him pull off his shirt and get him settled on his stomach, under the covers. I check his back, and he twitches when I put pressure near his scars.

"That hurts I bet. Okay, relax I am call down and see if we can get a couple things." I dial the front desk and ask if they have any sort of heat bag and if I can hold of any sort of oil. Not long after I hear a knock on the door, and one of the bell boys drops off an electric heating pad, along with a small bottle of baby oil, and some pain medication. I know he won't take any of Rachel's as they are much stronger, but I did get some with anti-inflammatory properties, over the counter medication, I will insist he takes a couple so he can sleep.

I get him water and shake out two tablets and hold them out. He shakes his head at first.

"I can stand here holding them all night, take them, John. You need to manage your pain properly." He sighs and relents swallowing them both, then I spread a towel on his back and put on the heat pad, keeping the temperature low.

After a few minutes he sighs. "That feels good, I didn't realize how much it hurt until now."

"We should get you in and have your back checked, maybe you always have a low level of back pain that you are just used to."

"Could be, but that feels great."

"I am going to heat up the oil just a bit, then we'll see if we can make it even better."

I spend the next half our working the knots out of his back, I can tell it hurts from the occasional sharp intake of breath. Finally I have managed the worst of them and just gently rub and massage, and I realize he has fallen asleep. I put the heat pad back on for a bit on low while I have a quick shower, then remove it before I turn out the lights.

I curl up beside him and in no time I am asleep too. I wake up when John gives me a kiss and gentle shake.

"Susan, we should get up, it's after 8 already."

"Mmmm, I was having such a good sleep."

"I know, but we should get on the road, we still have to have some breakfast, and I was going to get a more comfortable car."

"How's your back?"

"A lot better. Thanks for the massage, I think I fell asleep on you."

"That's okay, I know you were exhausted and you needed the sleep."

I crawl out of bed and go to check on Rachel. She is awake, though still in bed, watching television.

"Sleep okay?"

"Yeah, my leg hurts though, and I'm hungry." I get her one of the pain tablets and some water, which she takes gratefully.

John orders us some breakfast from room service, he has already called Katie and gets her to make arrangements for the car. The one we have is okay, but he decides to upgrade us to something a bit nicer since we are going to be in the car for several hours. He goes out for a while to exchange the car, while we finish eating and brush our teeth.

John arrives back with a couple bags which he hands to me, I peek in to find some clothes for Rachel, along with a few personal items for her.

It seems she either didn't have much or lost her belongings, so John is making sure she is taken care of, and has a few clean clothes to wear for our trip back to Chicago.

We have phoned home and talked to the girls, let Millicent and Louisa know that we are driving back and will be there as soon as we can. Elizabeth has called Alger, and he is off to the airport to pick her up, she and Ella will be settled in long before we get back. For the first bit, Rachel is in the back seat with her leg up, but when we stop for lunch this changes.

"Dr. Lewis, would you mind if I sat up front with Dr. Carter for a while?" She looks hopeful.

"Um, not at all."

John looks a little surprised, but he is hoping to have a chance to talk to her. "Rachel, you can call me John if you like."

"And you can call me Susan."

"Okay, thanks." We get her settled in the front and John pulls back out onto the Interstate.

To my surprise, she starts chatting away to John. He is very good at talking to people, so he picks up the conversation and drops in little bits of trivia or comments on whatever subject Rachel brings up. He lets the topics stay light and fun, he is getting her very comfortable talking to him, I know he is building up some trust. No pushing, no judgement, he is just letting things go at their own pace.

Later in the afternoon we stop and he buys her some fries and a milkshake, which she sips during the drive. I am still letting her have the front seat, hanging out with John is working, the trip so far has been pleasant. She seems twitchy and nervous at some points, this could be withdrawal from drugs, possibly. But if she is mostly using marijuana at this point, she may not go into deep withdrawal, but I know we still need to get her help.

John knows how to get her help, he's been there. I wonder if he is going to share his addiction with Rachel at some point. I will leave this up to him, it is very personal but it might make her more receptive to his help. I've been through it, though from the other side, with Chloe, and to a certain extent John, when he had the mini meltdown. He came so close to going over the edge that night, I hate to think about it.

"Where am I going to live?" Rachel brings this out of nowhere.

"I don't know yet, Rachel, I think that is something that we need to talk about. Where would you like to live?"

"I don't know, but I don't want to live with my mom anymore."

"Is it just because of your stepfather?"

"That, and also my mom is never around anyway. She doesn't care about me, she was happy to get rid of me when I went to live with my dad. And then he died and she had to take me back, she has never wanted me."

"Well, you are almost 16, so you do get input into all this. And of course, if you have concerns about living with your stepfather, that has to be taken into consideration. Any sort of abuse is pretty serious, Rachel, if you are scared to be there, then we have to make sure you find some other place. How is school going?"

She looks away, I wonder if she is going to try and evade the question. I can see her fingers tapping nervously on the door handle.

"Rachel? What's going on with school?"

"I dropped out."

"Dropped out?" John's voice is even. "Or were you expelled?"

Rachel looks at him, and he glances over at her. She says nothing, and looks away again.

"Rach, I can't help you, if you are not honest with me. Trust is a two way street. I'll be honest with you, but you have to be completely honest with me too. If you lie, or stretch the truth even, I won't be able to trust you, and that means I won't be able to help you."

"How did you know? That they expelled me?"

"Oh, well, I just did, call it a hunch. So what did you get expelled for?"

"They found drugs in my locker."

John glances over at her then back at the road. "What kind."

"Just a couple joints. But they freaked out anyway, and I'd had a couple warnings for other behaviors, so they kicked me out."

"Oh Rach, you are so much better than all of this. You know that right?"

"My mom doesn't think so, she thinks I'm disgusting."

"I don't know if that's true, but in any case, Rachel, she's wrong if she thinks that. No one else does."

"That doctor thought I was disgusting."

"Dr. Del Amico? No, she's not like that."

"And how do you know."

"Because, she lived in Chicago a while back, she worked with me at County and I got to know her. She's a good friend of mine, a very sweet and caring woman, she would never think that about someone. She doesn't really know you, she would never judge you based on anything you've told her."

"You believe that?"

"Yes, I knew her really well. You know she has 7 brothers, and she is the only girl. She grew up in Philly, and moved to Chicago to do a rotation in emergency medicine. She's a pediatrician first, emergency physician second, and she cares a lot about kids and a lot about people."

"Was she your girlfriend?"

He laughs slightly. "No Rach, she wasn't my girlfriend, she was just a very good friend."

Rachel looks back at me, she has a little grin on her face, and I wonder if that question was for my benefit. I think she heard more of our conversation than she let on, she knows I was jealous of Anna Del Amico.

"You know, my cousin was really sick, and she helped me try to make him better, on her own personal time. She was a very good friend, I talked to her a lot during that time, she gave me some good advice."

"Your cousin. What was wrong with him?"

I hold my breath.

"My cousin was a drug addict."

Rachel turns and stares at John. " _Your_ cousin was a drug addict."

John nods and turns his head slightly towards her. "Yes, his drug of choice was heroin. We tried to get him help, got him cleaned up and detoxed. Unfortunately it wasn't enough."

"What happened to him?"

"A few weeks later he went to a party and overdosed, came into the ER, Anna and I worked on him and saved him, but the cost was high. He suffered serious damage to his brain, and to his heart. He died not long ago, he was almost the same age as I am. He was a very talented artist and photographer, and he had so much potential, but he let drugs take over his life, and it _cost_ him his life."

Rachel sits very quietly for some time. I can see her sneaking looks at John as he drives.

"Do you miss him?" She finally speaks again.

"Every day. We were really close as kids, though we saw less of each other as adults, especially

"When I was in med school. But, yes, I miss him."

"Like I miss my dad. So you know, how sad it makes you to lose someone."

"Yes. I have lost people close to me. Too many in fact, including your dad, he was our friend for many years. I miss him too."

"I wish I could go to medical school and be a doctor, like my dad. But I could never go."

"Why not?"

"They wouldn't take me. Look at me. I use drugs, that alone is bad enough, but I got expelled from school."

"Do you have a police record, for the use of drugs?"

"No, I've never been arrested."

"Mmmm, well, you could go to med school if you wanted. It takes a lot of hard work though, you would have to get back in school and study really hard, get a good score on your SAT's. You could do it, stop using drugs, stay away from Kenny."

"Yeah, he gave me an STI, I don't want to be near him, and I still could get HIV, couldn't I?"

"It's possible, we will have you tested again in 3 months, and then again at 6 months. If there is nothing by then, you have a very low chance of getting it. The fact that you are negative now is excellent news, you just have to take care to protect yourself better in the future. Stay away from guys like Kenny, he will never be good for you or to you."

"You are brutally honest, aren't you?"

"I can be, yes. You need to hear the truth Rachel, I'm not going to lie to you to protect your feelings. Truth is, your actions could have serious consequences and you need to live with whatever those consequences happen to be. But, you are young, and you can still get your life back on track."

"You think so?"

"I know so, Rachel."

"You said you have kids. 4 kids."

"Yes, we do."

"What is the long story?"

"What?"

"You told the doctor it's a long story, she seemed surprised you had kids. I thought she was a good friend, but she didn't know you had a 6 year old daughter."

"Oh, well, we adopted Susie, she is actually Susan's niece, but her mom left her, so we adopted her. Brooklynn is 6, and I didn't know about her when I knew Anna, so she was surprised. And of course the twins are only about 6 months."

"So, you aren't so perfect, you had a daughter you didn't know about? You're telling me to be careful, yet maybe you weren't. You must not have been careful, having a baby you didn't know about." Wow, this girl is going to take him to task.

John shrugs. "I never said I was perfect Rachel. I've made my share of mistakes, and had my share of forgiveness for things, and I've done my share of forgiving as well. Adults don't always do what they should, or make the right decisions, any more than kids do." He looks over at her. "You're right, Brooklynn wasn't planned, but, I was an adult and once I knew about her, I became part of her life. Sometimes things aren't black and white, life is complicated and messy sometimes. We're all human, I've never been perfect, you can ask my wife back there."

She peers around the back of the seat at me. "So, John is not perfect? You've forgiven him for mistakes?"

I laugh. "He is far from perfect, but I love him any ways. Because he is a good person, a wonderful husband, a great father, and an exceptional doctor. I have forgiven him for mistakes, but more importantly, he has forgiven me for mine. I'm far from perfect myself, I have not always made the right choices, but he still loves me."

Rachel looks at John. "So?"

"I love her with all her imperfections, she is pretty special, a loving, caring, generous woman, a terrific mom, and I couldn't live a day without her. And we have forgiven each other for things, some big, some small, but yes, I still love her. That is part of caring and loving, being able to forgive. "

"So you think that I can be forgiven too? I've done some horrible things. I know my dad tried to help before he died, and I don't want him to be disappointed in me."

"Of course. First of all, forgive yourself, Rachel. You have gone through a lot with your dad dying, your mom being away, the stuff with Ella, all of that. But it's past, it's done and you can never change it. What you can do is make the most of your future, learn from your mistakes and try not to repeat them. If you want to be a doctor, then do it. Take the steps now and get back on track."

"Why did you become a doctor?"

"When I was 9, my brother was very sick, with Leukemia. He was sick for about a year, with a lot of treatments, and time spent in the hospital. I watched how the doctors and nurses treated him, and how they were with me, and I decided right then, that it was what I wanted to do. Help people get better."

"Did he get better? Your brother?"

"No, he died, I was 10 and he was 12. He had AML, which is the worst kind to have, and it had progressed too far before they found out what he had. It all happened pretty quickly, only about a year and he was gone. That is the worst thing about being a doctor, you can't save everyone, but we can save a lot of people."

"I'm sorry, that must have been hard. I was really scared when I though Ella was going to die."

"It was difficult, I was just a kid, and I still miss him, we were really close. I know you were scared, Ella however, is fine and you need to be there for her as a big sister. When she gets a bit older, I bet she will appreciate it."

They lapse into silence, Rachel seems deep in thought. I wonder if John got through to her, it really seems he has, I am hopeful.

John seems a bit tired, and I offer to spell him off for a bit, which he accepts. He switches and sits in the back, and I see after a while he is asleep.

Rachel looks back at him and giggles. "Boy, he can sleep anywhere. I can never sleep in the car like that."

"Yes, pretty much. He learned that while he was a resident, I'm sure. He was surgical for a year and had these brutal 36 hour shifts, he was working about 95 hours every week. When you're a doctor, you learn to sleep whenever you can, wherever you can."

"Can I ask you something?" She fidgets with her hair, looking a bit nervous.

"Sure."

"I know this might be….too personal, but why didn't he know about his daughter? I mean, how is that possible? She's…your daughter too right?"

I am silent for a few moments, then I decide that I should just tell her. "That's my fault, Rachel. I moved to Phoenix, and cut off contact with everyone at County, when I found out I was pregnant."

"But why? You really love each other, why didn't you just marry him when you found out you were going to have a baby? How old was she when he found out he had a daughter?"

"It was complicated. I've loved him for a long time, but remember, I was saying he was surgical? Well, that is about the time I found out I was having Brooklynn, and I wanted to protect him and his career. It's not easy to have a new baby with those kind of hours, and I did what I thought was right at the time."

"My mom took me away from my dad too, she moved away."

"I know, Rachel, and your dad missed you ever day. If I had it to do over again? I think I would make some different decisions, it was a very rough time when he found out I hadn't told him. But, we worked it out, and he forgave me, which is like a miracle in itself, because we are so very happy together. I don't know what I would do without him, and we have a beautiful family. Our children are the lights of our lives, maybe it was supposed to be this way, though, because we have the twins now, and who knows if we would have them. Like I said, complicated, adult relationships."

"You were not happy about Dr. Del Amico either."

"What do you mean?"

"That they are so close. You didn't look happy."

"You are very perceptive." Ah, the question was for my benefit. "No, but it is just a silly jealousy thing, I actually do trust him and I know it was a chance meeting, they worked together closely for a year. But he is my husband and it is sometimes difficult to see how close he is to other women. He makes friends easily at work, and I can tell he was good friends with her. Maybe one day you'll understand, I'm sure he picked up on it as well, but he won't make a big deal about it. I know he loves me and I have nothing to worry about. Another thing he forgives is when I get silly about these sort of things."

"I hope someday I can find someone that I love as much as you love Dr. Carter…John." She corrects herself.

"I am sure you will, Rachel, you have always been a very sweet, kind, person, even when you were a little girl. Some guy will be lucky to have you."

We stop for a late dinner and John takes over the driving again. Rachel is in the back with her foot up, sleeping when we finally hit the outskirts of Chicago. So much for not being able to sleep in a car. John and I have been quiet for most of the ride, both deep in our own thoughts.

We pull up to the house and I wake up Rachel, as Alger comes out of the house. Rachel has never seen this house and she looks a little awestruck.

"You live here? Wow, this is amazing."

"Yes. We will try to be quiet going in, everyone will be asleep, and we'll get you settled upstairs, okay?"

John lifts her out of the car and takes her upstairs. "Can you manage? I'm going to return the rental, Alger will come and pick me up."

"We're fine, John, go ahead, see you in a bit."

I help Rachel get ready for bed, tuck her in and she is asleep before I get out the door. I tiptoe around and look in at all the kids, I have missed them so, even in the couple days we've been gone. I look at their precious sleeping faces and I really do hope that we can avoid the same problems with our own children.

John arrives back after I am already in bed, he crawls in beside me.

"I am so exhausted I can barely move." I cuddle up next to him, and we drift off to sleep.

We are both awake early the next morning, as two small giggling girls land on our bed.

"Mommy! Daddy! You're home!"

"We are. Come give us hugs." John drags them up the bed and hugs and kisses both girls before they turn their attentions to me. They lay in the middle of the bed.

"So we have another guest, her name is Rachel. You two be good, okay and make her feel welcome."

"You two go get dressed and we'll go down for breakfast." John gives them a little push, and they both skip off chattering and laughing. He leans over and gives me a long kiss.

"What was that for?"

"That is me saying good morning to my lovely wife. I'm going for a shower." He winks at me and saunters off to the bathroom.

I follow him in seconds, locking the bathroom door behind me. I follow him into the shower wrapping my arms around him as I lean against his back.

"Mmmm, hi there. I was kind of hoping you'd join me. You locked the door?"

"Uh huh. Too many people running around this house." I kiss his smooth skin and run my fingers down his soapy chest. He turns and pushes me back against the tiles, claiming my lips in a very passionate kiss.

After a very hot and heavy love session in the shower, we both dress and John goes to get Rachel. He comes out shaking his head. "She's still fast asleep. We'll leave her for now, check on her later." He takes Aiden and I take Hailey and we go down to have some breakfast.

It is a nice day so Corinne has breakfast set up outside. Elizabeth is talking to Millicent, and the girls are running around the lawn, Brooklynn and Susie chasing a giggling Ella.

"Girls, come eat." I beckon them over.

Elizabeth stands and gives John a long hug. "Carter. It is so good to see you, and thank you for finding Rachel." She smiles at me. "Susan, I appreciate your help."

I notice she doesn't give me a big long hug, but we have been at odds for a long time. She loves John though, I can tell, she has known him a long time too, I guess. She operated on Lucy, the night they were stabbed and she was there when he was sent to Atlanta.

We generally chat and catch up while we eat, then we send the girls off to brush their teeth. Elizabeth takes Aiden and bounces him on her lap. "They are adorable. I miss Ella being this age, but she is a lot of fun now."

John sips his coffee. "Yeah, they are growing fast though. Ella has gotten so big. Are you planning on staying in England?"

"No, I will be back to work in Chicago, I talked to Robert and he is going to let me come back sometime in September. What is going on with Rachel?"

John sighs. "You know she was expelled?"

Elizabeth shakes her head. "No, Jennifer does not keep me updated. All I know is she called me from Philly, hysterical and scared. Is she on drugs?"

John nods. "She has been using, yes, and having….unprotected sex with her drug dealing boyfriend."

Elizabeth puts a hand to her mouth. "She's not….pregnant is she?"

"No, thankfully, but she did have an STI which we had treated, and we got a rapid HIV test done which was negative. We had a good talk on the way home, and I think she wants to get herself back on track but Jen just isn't around. She seems scared of her stepfather too. So we need to get her out of that house, Elizabeth."

"Do you think he?" She looks scared to finish the thought.

"She says he's made moves but nothing has happened. I want to get her into a drug support group, I think she is not in too deep yet, so we can contain it. Get her enrolled in summer school, even home schooling so she can make up the time lost and get her out of the house with Jen. What I need to know is how much of a roll you can or want to play in all of this."

"I will do whatever I need to, Carter. She is my step daughter, and I love her despite the difficulties we've had. She could come live with me once I move back to Chicago, maybe even come over to London for the summer if she wants."

"I'm relieved to hear it. We can talk to Jen and see if she is willing to let Rach stay here until she can fly? We can start the drug treatment, get her working on school as a condition of her living with us. Then we'll get her on a plane to London to stay with you. How does that sound?"

"Like a perfect solution. You would let her move in here for now?"

"Of course, we were both really close to Mark, and have known Rach for years. We all know I am in a position to help her. I understand addiction. Susan does too of course, with her sister Chloe and her issues, we can get her started on recovery. I like the idea of her going to London for the summer too, it will get her away from the bad influences here. Do you think Jen will fight you on that?"

"I doubt it, she has said in the past that Rachel can come visit us, spend time with Ella. I think she will easily agree."

"All right, then we need to sit down and have a round table with Rachel. Lay it out for her, my expectations of her being in this house is no drugs, attendance at a support group on a regular basis and attendance or completion of summer school courses to get back on track with school. She can help with the kids a bit, we will try and keep her busy and out of trouble, fully supervised, no going out unless it a family thing we do as a group."

Elizabeth nods. "We have to have a plan if she doesn't comply. Maybe we check her into a facility if she breaks your rules? Or should we just go to a facility right away?"

"Do you think that is the best thing? The facilities can be rough and she seemed receptive to everything we had to say to her." I throw in my thoughts. "I think if she complies and starts meetings or a drug support group, it will be better for her to be with people who know her. She is feeling alone, and being dumped into a facility might compound her feelings of abandonment."

Millicent is taking this all in. "I would like to have her here, but maybe we should pull the young lady into the conversation. The most effective treatment will be the one she buys into, and is committed to."

"You're right Gamma, we should see if Rachel is up, and get her down for breakfast. Then we can have a full discussion."

I look at him. "She is responding to you, John, maybe you and Elizabeth should take her into the study and do this privately. So she doesn't feel intimidated. Or have her start with one of you, then pull the other person in, you don't want to….ambush her." I look meaningfully at John and he nods.

"I'll talk to her, unless you want to, Elizabeth?"

"I would like to, but we have been at odds before, and if she is responding well to you, then do you mind having first go. Make the offer, let her know I am there for her and would welcome her living with us here in Chicago in the fall as long as she complies with the expectations. Zero tolerance for drugs, attendance and good grades in school, and she is expected to be responsible and help out around the house."

"Okay, let's do this." He goes into the house and comes down with Rachel shortly, getting her set up at the table.

"Oh sweetie, I am so glad to see you." Elizabeth gives her a big hug, and Rachel starts to cry.

"I'm so sorry."

"Oh honey, I know. Don't worry it will be okay."

We get her to eat and then John asks if they can talk for a while. He takes her to sit by the pool and Elizabeth and I take all the kids for a walk up to the stables. Frank gets the girls involved with the horses, including Ella. Elizabeth wanders back towards the house, as planned she has given John an hour with Rachel, and then she is going to join them.

By the time I take the 5 kids back to the house, the three of them have disappeared into the office. Corinne has some lunch ready and we eat on the patio, John, Elizabeth and Rachel finally reappear. John gives me a slight nod and smile, and I know it went well.

John pulls me aside. "Jen is on her way down with Rachel's clothes. She didn't even put up a fight, she has her documents and passport and a travel letter all ready. Rach is going to stay with us, and we will get her into a support group, a teen drug group. She is going to start home school classes for now to get caught up, that way she can continue while she's in London this summer."

I give him a hug. "You have done a good thing, John. Elizabeth is struggling with loss of Mark still, you can see it."

"I know. It hasn't been that long. They had their challenges, but she did really love him. She cares about Rachel too, this will all work out." He gives me a kiss and hug back. I turn and I see Rachel watching us, she has a small smile on her face.

Later I go in to say goodnight to her as we tuck in all the kids for bed.

"Susan?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you. For letting me stay with you and John."

"You're welcome Rachel, we are happy to have you with us."


	47. Chapter 47

Jennifer appears late the next afternoon and drops off a suitcase of clothes for Rachel along with an envelope of papers.

"Jennifer, how have you been?" John tries to draw her into conversation but Jennifer appears in a hurry.

"Oh, I'm good. Look I don't have long. Here are all the papers, information on her medical insurance, her passport, a travel letter so she can go to England with Elizabeth if she wants."

"Rachel's fine by the way." He sounds annoyed, because in the time Jennifer has been here she hasn't even asked.

"Look Dr. Carter, I appreciate you running after my daughter, but you should just save your energy. She is a lost cause, into drugs, running around like a tramp, getting kicked out of school more than once. She doesn't want to live with me, she hates her stepfather and tries to tell me things about him. She's a liar."

"What if she's not lying?"

"Oh she is. She manipulates, lies, cheats, steals and I can't deal with her anymore. With her dad gone it's even harder. If Elizabeth wants to take her on, then fine. Maybe she can talk some sense into the girl. Or maybe you can. All I know is I can't have her live with me anymore."

She does not have much to say to her daughter, I am sad for Rachel as she is visibly upset and moody for the rest of the afternoon once Jen leaves. Jennifer's very being oozes disappointment in Rachel, which is not at all helpful.

"Okay Jennifer, well, you know where Rachel is if you want to visit."

Jennifer leaves quickly after that, like she can't bear to be near her daughter a moment longer than absolutely necessary.

John goes and sits with Rachel by the pool for a while and they seem to be getting along well. It cheers her up, that is for sure. By dinnertime she is in a much better frame of mind.

"So what's up for tomorrow?" Elizabeth askes cheerfully over dinner.

Rachel looks over at John. "I think John is going to take me to my first meeting. You know the teenage support group he wants me to join."

"How do you feel about going?" Elizabeth digs into the topic.

"Nervous. And I also don't know how it's going to help, sitting around talking."

"I think it will help. Support groups at the very least let you know that you are no the only one going through the issues. You can hear other people's stories, hear how they handled things, and maybe see that you can get through this." I want to encourage her to go.

Rachel nods. "That's what John said too. Did your cousin Chase go to a support group?"

John shakes his head. "No, he refused to go to any sort of formal treatment, he didn't want to go to rehab or support groups. He was too worried about what people would think of him, what the family would think. He wasn't ready to get help, not really, and he paid for it with his life. He was very talented, I should show you some of his work."

"You have some of it?"

"Yes, I have several pieces, hung up in our bedroom, though some is in storage, I had it hung at my other house. When he was hospitalized I was allowed to take some pieces from his apartment. Remind me and I will show you."

I know the truth is Chase's parents didn't want any of it, they never supported Chase in his artistic pursuits and thought it a waste of time. Chase had no siblings, and John took most if not all of his work. I love the pieces, he really did have a great eye and it is a shame he didn't make it his life's work.

The next morning John drives Rachel into town and makes sure she goes to her first support group meeting. She has agreed to go every day for now, and both Elizabeth and I trust his judgement in this matter. He knows what helped him get better, though I don't know if he has told Rachel about his own addiction.

That afternoon when she comes back we all spend some time out by the pool, John is at work, he is trying to make up for some of the hours he has missed. He has a lot on his plate, all the time lately but he seems to handling things well. He finally gets home at 1 am, has a quick shower and crawls into bed with me.

"How did the afternoon go?"

"Good. We all had a great discussion about the support group and school. Rachel has agreed to take the whole year over again. Elizabeth will get her a tutor or help her as needed. Her grades and attendance were spotty at best this year, she is going to have to work really hard to get caught up. She really needs to redo her entire year which puts her behind for graduation."

"Well, if she works hard she can maybe catch up. She will have to work on school all summer, but she seems to be engaged and receptive to all our suggestions."

"I think at this point she will do anything to please you."

"I don't think it's me."

"Oh yeah, it is John. You underestimate the power you have over women sometimes. Even teenage girls, she listens to everything you say, she talks to you openly, you have a way with kids."

"Really, power over women? I don't know about that."

"I do, I fell for you pretty easily, when you were 24 years old. You charmed me into going home with you."

"Charmed? Or got you drunk so I could take you home from the pub and have my way with you?"

"First of all, I wasn't that drunk, I knew what I was doing, I wanted to sleep with you long before then, I just wouldn't let myself because you were a med student. And I _asked_ you to take me home, I am the one who made the move."

"Yeah, a guy can only stand so much rejection, you had turned me down before."

"Only because you were a med student. Otherwise I would have gone out with you long before then. Elizabeth has noticed too, Rachel hangs on every word you say, she pays attention. I think she has adopted you to be her dad."

"Oh boy, now I have 5 kids? 4 of them girls? I think I should have paid more attention when Maggie took me to the range."

"Maggie?"

"Doyle. Were you there when she worked for County?"

"I don't remember her. Let me guess, a luscious blond, and you dated her."

"No, I definitely didn't date Maggie, we were friends."

"Why, not a blond?"

"Well, she wasn't a blond but she was quite attractive. She just was not my type."

"Oh come on, I think every woman was your type."

"Nope, not Maggie Doyle."

"Why not."

"I dated women, and so did she.'

I start to laugh. "Oh. Well then, I guess she was definitely not your type, more like your competition."

"She was great though, we had our moments, but mostly we got along. She helped with the appy on Peter. That was a really fun afternoon, Hicks had a terrific sense of humour."

"I'm sure Peter didn't think it was a fun afternoon."

"No, you have a good point. But Maggie, Hicks and I had a great time in surgery. Don't worry, I did a very good job.

"I know. Well, anyway, Rachel really needs some strong male influence, and I think you are it. I love you."

"I love you too."

I snuggle up to him and we both drift off into sleep.

Elizabeth decides to stay for a few more days, and I find that we are getting along much better than we did at the hospital. John lends her one of the cars so she can take Rachel out for the day, and we take care of Ella. Well, I take care of Ella, John is at the hospital all day again.

Rachel almost has a smile on her face when the get back from their day and so do I. The girls were at school, but Ella was very cute with the twins, and I had a terrific day. Elizabeth took Rachel to her teen group and then for lunch and a bit of shopping. She also took her to enroll for online school and buy her a new laptop computer so she has unrestricted access to a computer.

Once Brooklynn and Susie get back from school, we all go up to the stables and Rachel watches enviously as the girls ride.

"I wish I could ride too."

"Well, we could get you up on one of the horses." I hear John's voice behind me.

"Daddy, daddy, daddy!" Both Brooklynn and Susie see John and head over, jumping down and running for hugs.

"Hi girls. Looking good out there. Why don't you finish up with Frank, I'll be home all night."

"Yay, daddy's home from work."

John gives both the twins hugs and kisses as they hold their arms out to be picked up by their daddy. He looks over at Rachel. "You want to get up on one of the horses?"

"Can I really?"

"Of course you can."

He disappears into the barn and comes back shortly with Aria, saddled and ready to go. He helps her up on the horse, her injured leg cannot go into a stirrup, but she sits fairly comfortably. He gets her to walk the horse around the ring and she has great control. He leads her out of the ring, and I raise an eyebrow.

"Where are you going?"

"We won't be long, I'm going to take her out on the trail, with Eclipse." John leads Aria with him into the barn and they are gone for about 45 minutes. The girls are done their lesson with Frank by the time he comes back. Rachel looks radiant.

"That was so much fun. I wish I had horses."

"Well, you know what Rachel, I have a full barn of them. Once you come back to Chicago in the fall you can come out and we will go riding. You did really well."

"Really? I can come out and ride?"

"You are welcome anytime. You know where to find us, here or at the hospital is where we are most of the time, you have our cell phones numbers. I want you to keep in touch with us, if you need anything we are here for you, you know that right?"

She throws her arms around John. "Thank you."

John hugs her back, I think the girl has been starved for a father figure.

He gets back up on Eclipse and holds out his arms for Aiden.

I shake my head. "You are not taking our baby on that horse."

"Sure I am. Susan, you think I would endanger our children? I am going to take him a couple times around the ring, at a walk."

I sigh, he is their father, and I know he is not going to take big risks with our precious babies. I hand Aiden up and he giggles as John settles him in front of him in the saddle, and takes him at an easy pace a couple times around the ring. He takes Hailey next, she seems fascinated by the new view of the world. I have to admit the babies seem to love the motion of the horse and John certainly is gentle with them.

A few days later John takes Elizabeth and Ella to the airport. It has been a surprisingly good visit, and we will get Rachel on a plane in two to three weeks, once she can travel.

John is now crazy busy, working, trying to spend time with the kids and helping Rachel. One of us takes her to her support meetings on a daily basis, though she loves it when John takes her because she always talks him into one of the sports cars, usually the Maserati. I will occasionally take her in the Porsche, which she likes too, but she is partial to John driving her. When John is home from work early enough he takes Rachel out on Aria, and they often sit out by the pool together, each studying.

It is cute actually, both Susie and Brooklynn join them to do their homework, and John often has one of the twins on his lap, while I hold the other. He helps all three girls with their homework. He is unfailingly patient and no doubt in my mind he could have easily been a teacher, though he is brilliant as a doctor.

We spend a lot of time hanging out as a family group, and Rachel fits in perfectly. She really is a great kid, and the turn around is remarkable.

"What are you studying John?" Rachel sips her ice tea as she works on her math.

"Surgical techniques. I am working on a study at work, so I am double boarding, doing a trauma surgical Fellowship."

"Wow, really?"

"Yes, you'll learn that as a doctor you have to keep updating your knowledge all the time. It's a lifetime of learning."

She is showing quite an interest, so he lets her read a few articles he has written, and I also spend a bit of time showing her the study I am preparing to conduct when I go back to work in the fall.

School is getting close to being finished for the girls, things are moving along nicely, everyone is happy and Rachel is doing well with her program and school.

I am getting the twins ready to go out when John arrives home. Looking pretty angry and upset.

"What's wrong?"

"I've been suspended, pending an investigation of the medical review committee."

I stop in my tracks. "What? Why?"

"Someone complained that I disclosed private information to their _wife_ about treatment they received in the ER. Care to guess who?"

Oh. Wow. "Rudy."

"Bingo. Got it in one. And on top of that, there is an investigation going on at County that I was unaware of. I apparently requested medical records for someone I was not treating."

"When was this?"

"Remember I filled in one day a few months back? Well, I guess I requested medical records that day….for Eric Wyczenski."

"Who is that?"

"Abby's brother."

"You treated her brother?"

"No, that's the problem, I didn't treat him, he was never a patient at County, yet I apparently ordered his records."

I look at him blankly.

"Someone ordered his records using me as the Physician of Record, and even kindly signed my name for me. Along with Eric's name. He filed a complaint. I didn't know about the investigation until Rosen brought it up, as I have two investigations pending, I'm suspended, and I could lose my license."

"Oh John. I'm sorry, but this is crazy, you didn't tell Mads about Rudy."

"Did you? Please tell me you didn't. Wait, no, don't tell me anything, I don't want to know." He sinks down onto the bed.

I go to speak.

He holds up his hand and shakes his head. "I'm serious, don't tell me. If they ask, I'll have to tell them, and I don't want to be the one ratting you out. Don't say a word."

"I didn't. I didn't tell her, I promise. I have barely spoken with Mads, mostly I've been talking to Lisa. And I didn't tell her either, maybe Madeline had to have a doctor's visit. By now if he didn't tell her, she may have been having symptoms." I step over and sit beside him on the bed, and pull him over to lean on my shoulder. "Who signed your name on the forms at County?"

"Who do you think?"

"Abby?"

"I assume so, who else would care about his medical records. And she asked me to testify for him at his Court Martial, and I had to refuse because I didn't treat him. I should have known she was up to something." He picks up his cell phone and hits dial.

"Abigail Lockhart." That is all he says at first. He listens for a moment. "Oh, I just thought I would give you a call, and see how things are going." He looks at me. "Well, not so great actually. The Medical Board suspended me for unauthorized request of a patient's medical records."

Not going to sugar coat it is he. She so deserves this.

"Some guy named Eric Wyczenski. Yes, your brother. Do you happen to know anything about who might have ordered his records using my name?" He rolls his eyes. "Oh, you have no idea? Well, you might want to find an idea and call the Medical Board and straighten out this misunderstanding." John sinks onto the bed. "Why? Because I am going to lose my license, that's why." I can see his eyes darken and his voice is controlled but deeply angry. "I don't need the money? I have worked my ass of for 11 years to be a doctor, and all you can say is I don't need the job or the money? That your career is more important than mine?"

He stands up and paces. "You can expect to hear from my lawyer, Abby. If you think that I am going to take the fall for you, then you're sadly mistaken" He pauses. "You might lose your job? Well, you should have thought of that before you forged my signature…..not my problem, Abby, I can't be responsible for your actions. I have invested too much of my time and life and I am not giving it up for you."

He hits the off button.

"I cannot believe that woman. She is worried about losing her job. That's just great, it's okay with her if I lose mine, because I can afford it. But she can't so, I should just let them take my medical license for something I didn't do? Is she crazy?"

"Maybe just a little. I can't believe she did that John."

"Me either. We used to be good friends, and now? She tries to ruin my marriage, she doesn't care about my career, I just don't know what to say."

"John, she is not going to ruin our marriage. I know her game, I love you, I love our family, we are not going to let her destroy what we have worked so hard to build."

He wraps his arms around me. "I know, baby, I love you too. This is just, so frustrating, and so difficult, to have to deal with two things at once. I have an appointment with Justin in the morning, I talked to him on the phone, and he is going to start on my defense."

"So what can you do?"

"Well, first of all, we are getting a handwriting expert, and he will demand copies of the orders so we can prove I didn't sign it. The charges from Rudy are more difficult, but he will get an investigator on it to find out why Rudy thinks I told her."

"I can't believe he is doing this."

"I can. He knows I have money, and he is trying to get some of it. Good thing I have extra malpractice insurance through work, our personal assets are protected. Which reminds me, before you go back to work we will need to talk to Rosen and get your coverage increased too."

"Why?"

"Because you are worth millions, Susan. You are on title of quite a lot of property."

I freeze for a second. "I didn't even think about that." I still cannot get used to the idea that I am in fact now a millionaire. No, a multi-millionaire. All because my husband refuses to have me sign any legal agreements to restrict my access to his money.

"Yeah, well don't remind people, especially your high school friends, that by marrying me you just got very rich." He takes my hands in his and looks at me very seriously. "Susan, if anyone asks, pretend you signed legal documents, please. They don't need to know we don't have a pre nup, for your safety, let them think you have limited access to my money. It could attract unwanted attention. Another good reason to stay Lewis at work, people won't connect you to me."

"Tiffany knows I didn't sign anything."

"I'm not worried about Jim, or Tiffany or even Deb, they are not going to try and extort money out of you. Just don't tell anyone else, including your family. Or just say our finances are private, and they are, right?"

"Yes, they are private. I'm sorry about telling Tiffany."

"It's fine Susan, I know you and Tiffany talk, but you are in similar positions. I didn't ask Jim if he had her sign anything, and I don't care. I have known Tiffany long enough to know she can keep a secret, I trust her."

"She keeps your secrets."

John looks at me with a frown. "Yeah, she does." He is looking at me intently. "What did you try to get out of her?"

I can't quite meet his eyes. I feel really guilty.

John sighs. "Okay, just spill it. You look guilty as hell right now. What don't I know?" I shake my head slightly. "Susan. I want you to be honest with me here. You asked her something about me, and I want to know what."

I know he is going to be upset with me, but the cat is out of the bag so to speak, and now I have to tell him. "I talked to her after we got back from Paris. I was worried about you after our fight in Paris."

He nods. "Okay, and what did she say?"

"That I should leave it alone, and it isn't something she could ever tell me. That anything you two have shared in private is sacred and she could never do that to you. She is a vault that is for sure. I know I can trust her and so can you, John, she refused to tell me."

"But you tried, didn't you?"

"Yes, I did, and I'm sorry. I really was worried about you, that was a rough night, and I love you. I always want to make things better for you, I can't help it because I love you." I feel his arms slide around me, and I lean into him. "I'm so sorry, John." I whisper.

His voice is soft as he hugs me tight. "It's okay, Susan, I know why you asked. But, I also told you I'm fine, you don't need to worry. Trust me when I tell you, it doesn't have any effect on our marriage, and you don't need to know. Okay? You need to trust me that it's easier if you leave it alone. These are things from long before I ever met you."

"I don't really understand, because you know I'll love you no matter what. But I trust you, and love you, so I promise I have left it alone. I felt bad pressuring Tiffany too, and I know if I pushed too hard it could affect my friendship with her. If she had to take sides, I know who would win."

"It's not about sides, Susan, it's about trust. I have entrusted her with information, and she has done the same with me. I won't ever tell her secrets, and she won't tell mine. Just like you and I have our secrets and I will never tell them either. You have placed a great deal of trust in me too, and you have to know that no matter what I won't break that trust. And I hope you feel the same about my secrets."

"You know I won't tell our secrets. You are my husband, without trust we don't have a whole lot, as you so wisely pointed out to me one day."

"So we don't have a problem then. We have a circle of trust, Jim and Tiffany are part of that circle, and I hope they always will be."

"No we don't have a problem, I thought you'd be mad."

"No, I'm not mad. I get the why. And you have accepted my position on the matter, so like I said, we don't have a problem." He sighs. "I really need people in my life I can trust. I trusted Abby, and she is screwing me over. I am sure we will get it worked out, but this is not the first time she has done this to me. Her attack on you was disturbing to me, this is just the final straw."

What Tiffany said comes into clear focus. I can hear her words in my head 'I can't and I won't do that to him'. Abby has betrayed him, and he will probably not ever be able to forgive, and really, why should he. She has tried to destroy his happiness, take away his career and she has tried to damage his relationship with me. Tiffany refuses to betray his trust in her, and I find myself appreciating her loyalty to John. And more than a little ashamed that I tried to coerce her to tell.

I pull him closer to me. "You do have people you can trust. I am here, we will get through this."

"I know. I love you so much."

Over the next few days John has several visits with Justin and he seems a little more relaxed about things, though I know the whole Abby things has him bothered.

"Well, I've done about all I can do, the earliest this is going to get resolved will be September, so looks like I have the summer off work."

"Oh John, I'm sorry."

"Hey, what can you do, not your fault. So, how do you feel about spending the summer in…say…Italy, or France, or Spain?"

I giggle a bit. "You're kidding?"

"Nope, not in the slightest."

"What about the kids?"

"We take them. The whole family, including Louisa if she is willing to come with us. We come back just before school starts. Jim, Tiff, Ryan and Angie, might come for a bit too, kind of like last summer in the Caribbean."

"So take a big group and hang out in Europe for several weeks."

"For a couple months. We have to get Rachel to London, so we start there, or if you are up for it, we can talk to Elizabeth and see if she can join us for part of the trip. It would be good for her."

"You don't need to be here?"

"Nope, nothing I can do. I can video conference if I need to, but I am suspended until this is all cleared up, nothing says I have to sit around Chicago moping. We can go as soon as the girls are done school at the end of the month. What do you say?"

"Are you kidding? I say when do we leave? Kind of like a great dream, spending all summer in Europe?"

"That's my girl. It won't take long, we all have passports, we got Susie's reissued with her new name right after the adoption was finalized, so Jim, Ryan and I will work on things and I'll have a chat with Louisa. I told Gamma we might go, she thinks it's a very good idea, she isn't willing to come, but we have the time, so, let's vacate and have some fun. The girls will have a great time, think about what we can show them."

"I don't know, I've only been to Paris, so it will all be new to me as well. This is amazing, John."

"You okay with the other couples joining us?"

"That would be awesome, they are so great, absolutely, let's do it."

I am so excited, this is unexpected. But I get why he would want to do it, he is off all summer, he has to leave things in Justin's hands, so he might as well find something to keep himself occupied. Otherwise he is going to go stir crazy, he doesn't do well when he is sitting around bored. This will be a great educational opportunity for the girls too.

Later in the day, there is some insistent knocking on the front door, and I wonder where everyone is. I go down and open the door.

"Abby?"

Abby Lockhart is standing on the doorstep, looking extremely angry. "Where is he, I'm going to kick his ass."

"Oh are you now. I'd like to see you try." John has come up behind me. "It's okay Susan, I'll take it from here."

I step back a bit, but I don't leave. John crosses his arms and just looks at her.

"Yeah, Carter, I should kick your ass. You know I just got suspended from County? Apparently someone made a complaint to my nursing supervisor and I'm under investigation for fraud and falsifying documents."

"Really? Well, I need to ask you to leave, I have nothing to say to you. My lawyer has advised that I don't talk to you."

"Right, your lawyer advises. What the hell am I going to do? I need my job, I have bills to pay."

"You can start by removing yourself from our private property. I have nothing to say to you. Please leave."

"Oh, I don't think so. You get me reinstated, right now."

"I don't have that power and I do think so. Leave, or I will have to ask security remove you. You are trespassing on private property, I have expressly asked you to leave. And don't bother coming back, I won't be here, so you will have no reason to visit."

"Where _are you_ going?"

"Not really your business, now, is it? Goodbye Abby." He starts to shut the door and she pushes her foot in.

"Don't you even think about shutting this door."

"Abby, you should leave now, or you will be escorted from the premises. Do I need a restraining order? I will get one if you even think about setting foot on this property again. Stay away from me, away from my family, don't phone, don't visit, and don't contact me in any way. Have your lawyer talk to my lawyer. Understand?"

My eyes widen, there is now a very large man standing right behind her on the steps. Abby sees my face and turns around. "Are you kidding me Carter?"

"No, we have security, in case you didn't realize it, and no one comes onto this property unnoticed. Mike will escort you to your car, and you will not be allowed back here, ever."

She huffs and turns, stomping back towards her car. She is soon gone.

"Thanks Mike."

"No problem Dr. Carter. We will make sure we don't allow her back on the property."

"Please flag her, I won't be around much and I don't want my grandmother bothered by her."

"Yes sir. We will take care of it."

"Thanks." He shuts the door.

"Where did he come from?"

"Oh, he's always been around, you've just never noticed I guess. I hit the security call button when I saw how pissed off she was, I knew I'd have an issue getting her to leave. I didn't want to touch her, better to have one of the boys come up and get her to leave, I'm already in a legal spot, no point in making it worse."

"Ah, okay. Where is this security call button?"

He walks me over to the panel. "Right here. Never had to use it before, but there is someone around, we should actually go over it with the girls too. Don't worry, she won't be back if she knows what's good for her. I won't hesitate to have her charged if I have to, the gloves are off."

"Wow, remind me not to make you angry."

"She is messing with my life, Susan, and I can't have her here, not with our kids around. And you shouldn't have to deal with her either, not after how she has treated you previously."

I step up and wrap my arms around him. "Thank goodness you've never been that mad at me."

There is another knock on the door just then. John steps over and opens it. "Peter."

"Hey, Carter. I wanted to come by and see if you were okay."

"Come on in. Can I get you anything? I was going to grab a drink."

"Sure, something cold would be great."

John leads him into the kitchen. "Lemonade, ice tea, soda, water, beer?"

"You know I don't drink, ice tea would be great."

John locates some glasses. "Susan?"

"Please. I am just going up to get the twins, they should be up, and we'll bring them outside?"

"Yeah, sounds good."

When I get back John and Peter are on the patio, with a pitcher of ice tea, glasses and John has brought out some food for the twins. He takes Hailey out of my arms, and proceeds to feed her while she sits on his lap.

"Wow, they have grown."

"I know, it seems like they change daily. So how are things?"

"Well, we miss you at work. I cannot believe what's going on, how could they suspend you?"

"I miss work too, and this screws up our study. I'm sorry, Peter, but it looks like I'll be gone all summer."

"All summer? Are you serious?"

"Yup, the medical board is not going to hear any cases until fall, so I am SOL until after the summer."

"Ah, don't worry about it, we will pick it up in the fall when you get back. What's going on? The rumours are flying like crazy."

"Yeah, I just bet they are. Well, I didn't do anything, and my lawyer is working on both items that are issues. I can't say more than that, I don't know who is going to end up being called as witnesses and Justin - my lawyer - said not to disclose anything to anyone. I trust you Peter, but it is better if you don't hear anything from me."

Peter nods. "I know you are in a legal position. So enough said, and we will look forward to you getting back to work." Peter sighs. "I hate to bear further bad news….but someone told Rosen about you and Keaton."

"Told him what about me and Keaton?"

"Your involvement at County. He asked me if I was aware of any…inappropriate liaison, given you were an intern and she was an Attending.

"What did you tell him?"

"I know nothing. I just shrugged and said I have no idea."

John sighs heavily. "Ah, okay. Thanks, be careful though, I don't want you to get in trouble."

"Nah, I'm not worried, I never said a word, the only people who ever knew that I knew, were you and Keaton, so unless one of you admit something then." Peter shrugs. "I don't know that Rosen has the balls to ask Keaton directly."

"But what does it matter anyway. That was years ago."

"Someone told him they thought you had a relationship with her this time around too. That you were too friendly with her and that you still phone her."

"Yeah, about our study, and yes we are friendly, we are friends. Nothing happened, Susan would be divorcing _my_ ass if I was screwing around, which I'm not. Anyway, we're both doctors, so why would Rosen even care?"

"I guess he doesn't like the idea that she would be having little affairs with the doctors on staff, or more importantly one of the doctors here would mess around with a visiting surgeon, especially one of Keaton's standing in the medical community. Then someone suggested it wasn't the first time you and Keaton had messed around and he got concerned it might be true."

"Well, whatever. I'm not going to discuss it with him. Does Abby know this is going down?"

"No, I don't think so. Unless someone has told her, but again, I don't think Rosen would have the nerve to call her out. She has a lot of clout in the medical community."

"I'll phone her later then, give her a heads up. Thanks for warning me."

"No problem, just be aware when you get back or if you come in, there are rumours flying about you and Keaton having some hot affair."

"Damn it. That's just what we need, I thought County was bad. Oh well, maybe it will be old news. We're going to Europe for the summer, so I won't be around anyway. My lawyer has things under control, no point sitting around here and moaning about things, we'll just go on holidays."

"Really? Where to this time?"

"Spain, France and Italy. Mostly Italy though I think. We are chartering a yacht for two or three weeks of it and we will just make the most of the summer."

Rachel comes out of the house at that moment. Peter is still bouncing Hailey on his knee, looking perfectly comfortable.

"Dr. Benton?"

"Rachel Greene. How are you?"

"Good. Well, mostly, I can't wait to get this cast off but it will be a while yet. But I'm going to London in a couple weeks to see Elizabeth and Ella."

"So I heard. Hanging out with Carter and Susan are you?"

"Yeah, they were nice enough to let me stay. John, can I use your laptop? I was going to do some homework and I'm waiting for my battery to charge."

"Sure Rach." He signs himself out and then hands it over to her.

"Thanks, I am going to sit by the pool."

"Do you want some ice tea? I'll bring it over for you." She has enough to manage getting herself there.

"Thanks that would be great."

I pour her a glass, take John's laptop and carry them over, leaving John holding Aiden.

I get back as Peter and John are finishing up their conversation.

"Neither can I, but I guess it gets me the summer off. Without pay, but whatever."

"That's not right, half your pay comes from the grant we brought in."

"I can fight it after the charges are cleared."

Peter hangs out with John for a while longer then takes his leave. John grabs the house phone.

"I have to call Abby. Keaton that is. Give her a heads up on the rumours."

I nod. "I know. I hope this blows over."

"Me too, I will have to think about what to say to Rosen if he asks, and fine out what Abby might say. I'm going to call her from the study. Do you mind?"

"No, I don't need to hear, and neither does anyone else in the house."

"Thanks, I'll fill you in later." He disappears and I decide to go sit with Rachel by the pool. Maybe chat a bit about Europe with her. It is going to be an interesting summer.


	48. Chapter 48

Rachel and I chat for a couple of hours while the twins nap on a blanket in the shade. She is excited about the thought that maybe she can join us for a while to tour Europe. I have cautioned her that we need to speak with Elizabeth first, she may have made some plans of her own to keep Rachel occupied.

John comes out finally and joins us, relaxing in the lounger with a glass of ice tea. I wonder how long he talked to Keaton, and I have to control my jealousy. He is here, with me, he is a terrific husband and I know he is not cheating. He knows a lot of women, and I have to deal with it, I knew that before I married him.

"How did your phone call go?" I sip my tea as Rachel works on her homework.

"Good. She had no idea, and said thanks for the heads up. Basically if Rosen asks, it will be simply no comment. I don't want to lie, but it's also none of his business, it happened a long time ago, and has nothing to do with anything that is going on now."

"So you are both in agreement then."

"Yes, and if he asks you, well, I guess you can decide what to say."

"I'm not going to share anything with him. I agree, it's irrelevant and none of his business. I know nothing as far as Rosen is concerned."

"Okay, then I guess it's all good. I phoned Elizabeth."

Rachel perks up at this. "What did she say?"

John laughs. "I guess the cat is out of the bag?"

I shrug. "I didn't think it was a secret."

"No it's not. I think we can work things out for at least a few weeks, if Rach is interested."

"Yes! I really want to come, I've only been to Europe once, to visit Elizabeth and Ella, and it was just in London for a week. Please let me come."

"You are welcome to join us, Rach, provided you keep up your studies. We will have downtime to do that, maybe if you get up a bit early in the mornings? The trip will be very educational too, you will see some amazing things, I was thinking if you wanted to join us for a good portion of Italy. I'll teach you a bit about sailing if we can get you on the yacht. If you are interested that is, if not that is fine too."

Rachel jumps up and hobbles over to John, giving him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. "I promise I will make you proud with my grades, I am working really hard to get my assignments done, and you both have been so great at helping me with my math. Thank you, John." She stops and gives me a hug on the way back to her lounger. "And you too Susan."

"You're welcome sweetie, we love having you with us." I can see her beam at this, I think it has been a long time since she felt anyone valued her company. I personally have loved having her here, I miss my friend Mark, and anything we can do for this sweet girl makes me feel good.

John peels off his shirt and lays back to get a bit of sun. Rachel looks over at him like she wants to say something, bites her lip and then looks back at her book. I can see her look over at him periodically.

John sighs. "Something on your mind, Rach?" He has noticed as well, I think he knows she wants to ask about his scars and he is waiting her out. I know everything that happened is hard enough for him, but he has the constant physical reminder of permanent scarring.

She bites her lip again. "No, not really."

"You're sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'm excited about the trip. I am going to do some research on Italy before we go."

"Good, it will be a lot of fun. If you like we have several guidebooks in the study, you could look through them to find out if there is anything in particular you want to see."

Just then the two girls bounce down the lawn, home from school. They launch themselves at us for hugs.

John stretches. "Who's up for some riding? The horses are going to be neglected for a while this summer. Whoever wants to go should change." He gives them both hugs and tickles them until they shriek with laughter.

"Daddy, we have to change! I want to go riding!"

Both girls run off to put on their riding clothes, and John looks over. "Coming Rach?"

"Can I meet you up there in a few minutes? I just want to finish this one part."

"Sure. I'll get Aria ready for you. Susan?"

"I'll bring the twins up, they love being around the horses too."

John gives me a kiss. "Okay, I have to change and get the horses ready. See you there." He heads across the lawn towards the house.

"Susan?"

"Yes Rachel?"

"I know this is kind of personal, but what happened to John? He has a lot of scars, and…." She trails off.

"I think one day you should ask him. I am sure he would tell you the story, but it's very sad and it can be hard for him to talk about."

"You won't tell me?"

I shake my head. "No, I really think you should ask him yourself."

She nods and gathers up her things. "Okay, I just don't want to make him uncomfortable. He has been really good to me, and it doesn't matter, really. Except he went through something major, didn't he? He understands me, and I feel like….well, there is a reason he seems to know what I am thinking sometimes, it's a bit frightening really."

"Sweetie, I think he knows you want to ask and I am sure he will talk to you when you are both ready. It is a difficult subject, but the more he talks about it, the better in some ways. You are spending a lot of time with us, I am sure he won't mind you knowing, but I would prefer you speak with him about it."

Rachel smiles. "He does know, doesn't he? He really sees me, Susan. Anyway, I want to go riding, John said he would have Aria ready for me. Are you coming up to the stables?"

"In a couple minutes. I'm going to bring the twins and join all of you up at the barns, the twins love to be around the horses." I get them up and carry them to the house, thinking about Rachel's comment. 'He really sees me?'. I am curious, but she hobbled off too quickly before I got to ask what she meant.

By the time Rachel and I make it up to the barns, Brooklynn and Susie are working in the ring with Marigold and Farah, and John has Eclipse and Aria ready. Rachel is on crutches to keep the weight of her ankle, but she is moving well.

"I think you might want to get back out riding again pretty soon. Maybe we should buy you a horse." John adjusts the saddle on Eclipse as I scoop Aiden up out of the stroller. Both twins love to be up close to the horses, and the animals are incredibly gentle with the babies. It is like they know how helpless they are, and I think back to John sleeping in the stall with Marigold. Ultimate in trust to sleep under the hoofs of such a large animal, yet he was never injured by Marigold.

"I ride Aria though." I pull my thoughts back as I give Hailey her turn with the horse.

"Well, unless you start riding English, we only have one Western trained horse, so I might sell the polo ponies and get a couple more Western trained and a younger English one to work on. Eclipse is only English trained so you can't really ride him, and he is too much for Susie or Brooklynn to handle or even Rachel if she wanted to learn English. He is well trained but he can be a handful, he's for experienced riders only, you've seen him when he is full out and he can move."

"I don't even know how you manage him."

"I've been riding for a very long time, remember I did actual show riding, including show jumping, I have the experience needed to control him. Eclipse doesn't have patience though, if you don't know what you are doing, he will take control and that is dangerous. Never let one of the girls ride him, Susan, ever, unless I am here. I don't want you riding him either, he is way too much horse if you aren't totally confident in your abilities."

"And yet you take the twins up on him, and you let Brooklynn ride him when you first brought her out."

"Yes, but I have control of him whenever I do. He won't act out with me, he knows better. I doubled Brooklynn with me on the horse, or was leading him by rein, I didn't just put her on and let her ride like we do with Farah, Marigold or Aria."

I nod. That makes sense, horses are very intuitive, they can smell fear and will push the limits if they sense you are not in control. John is a very strong experienced rider, who can maintain control.

"If Rachel is around more in the fall, then we should have a couple more horses. The polo ponies are trained for just that, polo, they aren't ring horses, and we are mostly lending them out right now for events, I never ride them. They are incredible animals and young enough that someone would be thrilled to have them as their main horse. It feels like a waste to have them cooped up in the barn like this, I don't have time to join a polo club, or the inclination either."

"I see your point. You are going to buy me a horse?"

"Or you can keep Aria, depends on what we find when we start to look. If we can find a nicely trained on about 15 years old or so, then maybe you will want to ride the new horse, and let the girls use Aria since we are certain about her temperament. Depends, maybe we will get two or three so we can work with them I have to talk to Frank. He knows everybody in the equestrian world and can start looking while we are away this summer."

He takes Rachel out on Aria while he rides Eclipse. I play with the twins and notice that Brooklynn is having problems with Marigold today. I am feeling concerned, and I can see Frank is noticing her issues too.

"Dr. Lewis, when John gets back, could you have him come take a look at Marigold with me?"

John gets back with Rachel and takes the twins for a ride on Eclipse with him, each getting a turn. They have started to reach up to get daddy to take them up on the horse when we are at the stables.

He takes Aria and Eclipse in to remove saddles and he has just come out to watch the girls take some jumps when Marigold stumbles and almost goes down. John is off like a shot, and pulls Brooklynn off the horse, and Frank comes up and starts checking over Marigold.

John scoops up Brooklynn and grabs Farah's reins bringing both girls over to where Rachel and I are standing.

"Hey, sweetie, it's okay, she just had a stumble, it happens sometimes. Frank is going to check her over. Why don't I get Aria for you?"

"Marigold is okay?"

"I think so, but Frank will take care of her, okay?"

"Okay, but I want to go home, okay daddy?"

He gives her a big hug and puts her down, and gets Susie off of Farah.

"Why don't you take the kids back to the house. Susie, leave Farah in the other part of the stables and I'll take care of her later. I want to stay and check on Marigold, I'll come down when we are done here."

I give him a hug. "Sure, maybe I'll get the kids fed?"

"Sounds good, I'll be down as soon as I can."

I put the twins in the stroller, Rachel joins us and we walk back to the house.

Both girls are doing their homework by the time he comes back to the house, he has been gone for a long time, we have had dinner and baths already. They both look up at him. Brooklynn runs over to hug him. "Is Marigold okay?"

He shakes his head. "No honey, I'm sorry, she isn't."

I look over at him, and he doesn't look very happy.

"What's wrong daddy?"

"You know she was getting kind of old for a horse, and she died. I sorry baby." He gives her a big hug as she bursts into tears.

He looks over at me and meets my eyes, I can see he is upset too, but he consoles Brooklynn, then gets the girls to with Louisa.

I shake my head at him. "What happened?"

"We called the vet, and she was going into kidney failure, she was old, and just starting to have the symptoms. She hurt her leg when she stumbled, that along with the kidney failure, we had to put her down."

"That quickly?"

"Yes Susan, that quickly. She was in pain, the vet couldn't do anything for her, leg injuries are almost impossible to treat, especially in older horses. She had a break, I couldn't leave her in pain, there is nothing we could do about the kidney failure either, we could keep her around for a couple months and watch her die, or put her down."

"Just like that. How could you do that! She was Brooklynn's horse."

"No, she was my horse, Susan. It killed me to do it, but I had to, she was in pain. Don't you get it?" He tries to pull me into his arms.

"No, I don't get it. Just leave me alone. Go away." I push him away, I don't like his tone of voice and I am upset he didn't let Brooklynn see the horse before he put her down.

"Fine." He turns and walks out, I hear the front door slam. I know he is upset and we both need to cool down, and then we can talk. Right now we would just end up yelling at each other.

I hear a sob by the doorway and turn. Brooklynn is standing there wide eyed.

"Don't you yell at my daddy!" She is overwrought. Yell at _her_ daddy? She has tears streaming down her cheeks and she is almost shrieking at me. "You made him leave. I don't want my daddy to go away! What if he doesn't come back! I'll hate you forever if my daddy doesn't come back!" She turns and runs out the door, I can hear the front door slam again as she exits. I stand there stunned for a long moment, before I register that she has left the house. I run out, panicking, I don't want her to run off, it is starting to get dark and she is incredibly upset. We are in a fairly secure spot, but still, there are acres of land out there, heavily wooded and I don't want her out there alone in the dark.

"Brooklynn!" I start to call for her, but there is no answer. "Brooklynn, where are you?"

I hear someone behind me and I turn. "Dr. Lewis, she left with Dr. Carter, just a minute ago. She is fine, he asked me to tell you that she was with him so you wouldn't worry about her."

"Where did he go?"

"I'm sorry, he didn't tell me, and it is not my place to ask."

"Of course. I'm sorry Alger, I will call him on his phone. Thank you." I am relieved that she is safe, I know John will take care of her, but I am not sure what her outburst was about. I try John's phone but he doesn't answer, so I leave a message and keep myself busy.

I spend some time with Susie and get the twins put to bed. Rachel is watching me carefully and silently with small glances my way as she works on her school work. She is perceptive and I wonder how much she heard of my argument with John and Brooklynn's out burst.

I wander into the kitchen and Frank is there with Corinne talking softly.

"Oh, Dr. Lewis, is John around? I wanted to let him know they have taken the horse."

I shake my head. "He went out."

"Oh, I understand. He probably needs a bit of time, that was probably the hardest thing to do, putting that poor animal out of it's misery. Broke his heart, I could tell, he loved that animal, but there was nothing we could have done for her."

I look at him with a frown. "Nothing?"

He shakes his head. "A break like that in a horse her age, combined with kidney failure? The sooner the better, he had to make the call. The most humane thing is to put the horse down quickly, I couldn't imagine watching the animal suffer for hours or even days. I know you may not understand, but that is what we have to do sometimes, it is what you do for animals when there is no hope for them to recover. He is a realist, he knew there was no hope and he had to say good bye. He's had her for over 20 years, he is going to miss that one, she was a good horse. I know he would have liked Brooklynn to see her, but the horse was in too much pain, better the little girl remembers how she was before she was injured."

I nod. "Thanks Frank, I'm sure he'll be back soon."

It is actually hours before I hear him return. I am laying in bed in the dark, wondering what came over Brooklynn. John hasn't called me back, but I know he will be home sooner or later, and he will take good care of his daughter.

I have the bedroom door open a crack so I know when he quietly walks past. I know he has Brooklynn, so I am sure he is putting her to bed. I wait for him to come in, but he doesn't, so I tiptoe down the hall and peek into Brooklynn's room. She is fast asleep and John is laying on the bed beside her with his arm over her. She probably wouldn't let him leave, she is a daddy's girl, no question.

I move into the room quietly and sit beside him on the bed, he turns and looks up at me. I reach out and push a stray lock off his forehead, then take his hand pulling him gently, I want him to come with me.

He slides his arm out from under Brooklynn very carefully, then pauses to make sure she is still asleep. He lets me lead him back to our room, and I push the door shut quietly, wrapping my arms around him.

"I'm sorry." I whisper softly against his chest. "I'm sorry for over reacting like that. I know you didn't want to do it. I didn't understand."

I feel his arms go around me. "I know. It seems brutal, but it had to be done. I had a choice to watch her suffer, or put her down, so I did what I needed to do. I am going to miss her, but she had a long and good life." He gives me a kiss. "It will be hard for Brooklynn too, she was getting very attached, but we will get her another horse when we get back in the fall, until then she can use Aria."

I nod. "Come to bed, baby." I can see the sadness and fatigue in his eyes, he has had a rough day. He was very attached to Marigold, he did have her forever and she meant a lot to him, I can tell.

"I need to shower, I'll be a few minutes." He disappears into the bathroom, I can hear the shower running. I try to relax while I wait for him, he is back shortly and crawls into bed.

"Brooklynn okay?"

He sighs. "What did you say to her? She was totally hysterical, begging me not to leave her. What the hell went on before she came out of the house?"

"Nothing. You left and then she was there, yelling at me, crying, she was overwrought and I have no idea why."

"She thought I was leaving and never coming back, Susan. She wouldn't let go of me, so I took her with me, and told Alger so you wouldn't worry about her. Why would she ever think I was abandoning her like that?"

"She heard our argument, and she told me not to yell at her daddy, and that you were going to leave and if you didn't come back she would hate me forever. Where did that come from?"

"I don't have any idea why she would think that. She ran after me, she was crying and, I picked her up and then she wouldn't let me go without her, and she was so upset, I took her with me. I don't think I could have pried her loose, but she was totally calm as soon as I put her in the back of the car and told her she could come with me."

"Huh, well, good thing you took her or your daughter would hate me."

"My daughter. She's not yours anymore?"

"Apparently not, she wanted you, not me. She has been your daughter from the second she found out you were her daddy. Before she found out even, the day you came over and gave her that bunny, she attached to you, she couldn't wait to see you, spend time with you, it was the strangest thing, she was so shy around men, until you came into her life."

"Kids know things, maybe she instinctively knew who I was to her."

"No they don't. No way she could have known."

"I don't know Susan. I have experienced it myself. You know, the day Bobby died, I was riding my bike home and I knew he died? Halfway home and I just knew he was gone. How do you explain that?"

I shake my head. "I don't know John, but she couldn't know who you were. I know she wished for you to be her daddy once you started spending time with her, but she couldn't have known before then."

I never told you this, but when I first saw Brooklynn, not knowing who she was, she seemed so familiar to me, it was weird. Maybe it was me seeing how much she looks like you, but still, she was familiar."

"Or seeing your own eyes, without recognizing it. You both have the same eyes, she always reminded me of you from the time she was a baby, I thought about you all the time because she would turn those big brown eyes on me. No one can ever deny she is your daughter when they see you both together. Mark spotted it from her photo, he said she looked like someone he knew, and he accurately guessed you were her father and it didn't take him long either."

"Mark guessed from her photo? I didn't know that, I thought you told him."

"Nope, I told him we had been seeing each other after I got back, but I didn't actually tell him you were Brooklynn's father or that we had our thing before I left for Phoenix. He did the math from her age, stared at the photo for less than a minute and basically said holy shit Susan you slept with Carter when he was an intern?"

"Really." John laughs a little at this. "See? He would have kicked my ass, based on that reaction. Maybe Brooklynn recognized the similarities too, without realizing it then. There has to be some reason she accepted me so quickly, when she was always shy with other men."

"Or you have a way with kids. You really do, you know, you connect with kids so easily, you know how to talk to them. Anyway, did Brooklynn tell you why she panicked like that?"

He sighs. "I guess one of the girls at school, her parents are divorcing and the dad left and isn't visiting? Or he walked out and hasn't been back? Something to that effect anyway, I might have to call Meyer and ask her what is going on at school. Anyway, when you told me to go away and I walked out, she thought I was leaving like this little girls father, and that she would never see me again. We had a long talk about it, I told her that I just needed some quiet time and I had planned on being back in a couple hours. That sometimes adults disagree with each other, but that we love each other and it would be okay."

"Oh John, she thought that?" I feel sick to my stomach.

"Yeah. She told me she remembers that she just got to have me as her daddy when she was 4, and that she didn't want to not have a daddy again. She didn't want to lose her daddy like the little girl at school, though why she would ever think I could leave her, I don't know."

"You know she is so bonded to you I sometimes forget she has only had you in her life for a couple years. She obviously remembers not having you in her life, which is strange considering she was only just over 4 years old. At some point she is going to ask the tough questions. Like why you weren't there until she was 4, and we better have some answers before that happens."

John gives me a look. "Yeah, well too late, Susan. She is already asking."

"What?"

"She asked why I wasn't her daddy before, why she only got to have me as her daddy when she was 4. Talk about out of the blue, she is only 6 but she is sharp, it's a little scary how smart she is, not just intellectually, but emotionally if you get what I mean? She is going to be force to be reckoned with when she's a teenager, I'm a little frightened."

"What did you say?"

"That I have always been her daddy, and I always would be. That I wouldn't ever leave her on purpose, I love her and she doesn't need to worry that I will leave like the other girls daddy."

"Did that work?"

"For now, but expect she will ask again, and we need to both know what to say. Provide a united front so to speak so she doesn't get confused. I wonder if this whole feeling I am going to leave is rooted to the fact she remembers I haven't always been here for her. Or if it is just something the little girl at school said, her name is Sarah, I think her last name is Wyatt? If she is who I think she is, then I went to school with her dad, he always was a bit of a tool, he could very well pull that kind of crap on his wife, he is an asshole."

"Will Meyer tell you if you ask?"

"If I tell her Brooklynn is having anxiety, and I don't need to know names or details, just what might have been said to upset her this way? Probably. I will try her at home tomorrow. You and I need to figure out how to balance it out, so you don't look like the bad guy, but that she knows I want to be here for her always."

"I didn't think it would be this difficult or how much she must have wanted a father in her life, how much she needs it. I'm sorry, this has just made the whole night even more difficult. I'm sorry about Marigold, and how I acted, I know you didn't make the decision lightly."

"No I didn't, I had to do it and it is going to be hard on everyone. I love you, and we will figure it out."

"I know." I kiss him deeply. "and you know I didn't mean it. I didn't want you to go away, I was just really upset, and I didn't mean it. I'm sorry she saw and heard that, it has been a rough night for everybody."

"She'll be okay, and we are going to disagree and fight sometimes. I knew you'd cool down, I left so we couldn't say anything we'd regret. Give us both time to get it together, I had no idea Brooklynn would freak out like that."

"I know. I'm sorry, again, I love you."

"I love you too, honey."

We make love, I wrap myself around him, and hold him tight, I hate it when we fight. I cuddle up to him in the middle of the bed and drift off to sleep. Sometime in the night I feel John move away from me slightly.

"Daddy, daddy wake up." I hear Brooklynn whispering to John.

"Hey cuddle bug, what are you doing up?"

"I had a bad dream, can I sleep with you daddy? I won't be able to sleep unless I get to be with you."

"Of course. But you have to be quiet and not wake up mommy, okay? Come on in sweetie."

Brooklynn ends up in the middle of the bed, tucked between us, but she moves slightly away from me and cuddles up to John. I feel a little hurt and rejected, but I pretend to sleep and know we will deal with it in the morning.

The next morning she is still there, clinging to John like she will never let him go. I feel a twinge of concern that she is so insecure about John leaving her that she is now having nightmares.

John spends some time trying to get her to talk, but she seems resistant. She follows him around like a lost puppy most of the day, but he is great, he gets her involved in some games, takes her riding with just him, her taking Aria, and she cuddles against him as we watch a movie.

I can see Rachel taking it all in, she can see something is amiss, but she respects our privacy enough not to ask.

The next few nights are the same, Brooklynn comes in sometime in the night, and cuddles up to her daddy.

"She's been having nightmares that she wakes up and I'm gone." John shares this with me after the girls have gone to school on Tuesday. "I don't know what to do other than let her come and sleep with us, so she feels more secure."

"What did Meyer say?"

"She didn't have much to add, other than it is true, one of the parents is going through a separation, and the little girl involved is traumatized and things are being said around the school. She will keep an eye on Brooklynn, and let us know if she notices any other behaviors but all we can do at this point is try and let Brooklynn know that I am not going anywhere. For now I guess we let her come and sleep with us whenever she needs to.

"I agree, I think we allow it. If she is still having nightmares then maybe we need to have some more talks about it."

"I was going to take her riding and see if she will talk, she chatters away like crazy when we get out on the trail. And we are gone next week, remember, so she will have us all together as a family all summer, I think that will help, especially since we are on the boat. I'd like to have her in her own bed for the trip though, I want to have some private time with my beautiful wife."

"You better make some time for me, I think I am going to need a lot of loving this trip."

"Consider it done, baby." He kisses me deeply. I am very excited about going on our trip, our anniversary is coming up and I am hoping for a wonderfully romantic and fun visit to Europe.

The next afternoon, Louisa and I are playing with the twins in the pool, it is another beautiful day. John has driven Rachel to her support group, and the girls only have a couple more days of school before we go away for the summer.

Alger comes over and captures my attention.

"Dr. Lewis, there is a Mrs. Barbara Knight to see Dr. Carter. I have asked her to have a seat in the study."

"Thanks Alger, John should be back in about half an hour, but I will come and attend to the guest. Maybe bring her out onto the patio, I will throw on some clothes." I hand off the twins to Louisa and I go into the pool house and quickly dress. I am trying to place the name, it seems familiar, but I am not quite sure who she is. I come out and Louisa has taken the twins to change them, I know Brooklynn and Susie will be home soon from school, being dropped off today by one of the moms who lives close by.

I walk towards a very attractive blond haired woman. She has a package with her, and seems a bit in awe of the surroundings. "Mrs. Knight. I'm Susan Lewis, John's wife."

She does a double take at me. "Dr. Carter is married?" I can see her take in the rings on my left hand. "Wow, those are very nice rings."

"Thank you. John and I got married last summer, though we have known each other for years. John will be home soon, can I offer you a drink?"

"Oh, thank you, someone is already getting me one." She says just as Corinne appears with a two glasses of ice tea.

"Thanks Corinne." I take a sip. "Mrs. Knight, how do you know John?"

"Barbara, please call be Barbara, I've only met him once, he worked with my daughter, Lucy. She, well she." Barbara can't get out the words.

Oh, Lucy. "Oh, Barbara, I am so sorry. I knew your name was familiar, you don't have to explain, I know who Lucy is. I am sorry for your loss, I have heard about Lucy, it sounds like she was a wonderful girl."

"He told you about Lucy?"

"Well, not everything, but I know what happened. He has told me quite a bit about it."

"Of course." She nods and sips her tea. "This is a beautiful home, I went to County and Dr. Weaver gave me Dr. Carter's contact information. She remembers my daughter well. She said Dr. Carter works at another hospital but he is taking some time off."

"Yes, he and I both work at Northwestern, for the last couple years actually. Being at County was hard for him, I'm sure you understand."

Just then I hear voices and John comes out with the twins, one in each arm. He stops short when he sees Barbara. "Mrs. Knight? What are you doing here?"

She stares at him for a long moment, I think she is going to cry. He hands Hailey to me and sits with Aiden on his knee.

"Barbara, please. You have children, they look just like you. Twins?"

John just nods, he seems at a loss for words, I have never seen him not able to speak. "How are you doing?" He asks softly when he can form the words.

She smiles weepily. "Oh, you know, it's been tough, losing Lucy, she was my only child, and I miss her every day. Dr. Carter, I needed to see you."

"John, please call me John. Why did you need to see me?"

"I finally went through Lucy's things. I know it has been a long time, but I just couldn't face it until now." She pushes the package with a small box on top of it towards him, and he gives her a funny look. "I wanted you to have these."

John shakes his head. "Barbara, I can't imagine what you think I should have, but, are you sure?"

She nods. "You were her favourite resident, you know that, you two got quite close I believe." She gives John a long look, and there is some sort of unspoken communication there.

"Still, I think whatever is here, she would want you to keep."

Barbara pulls out another small box from her pocket and places it in front of him. He looks at it and shakes his head. "No. She would want you to have that."

He seems to know exactly what is in the box and he hasn't touched it.

Barbara looks at him. "You know what it is."

He nods, but says nothing else.

"You don't want I back?'

"It was a gift, for Lucy. No I don't want it back, I want you to keep it."

Brooklynn and Susie pick that moment to bounce out onto the patio. "Mommy, Daddy." They both give us hugs and kisses.

"Hey girls, go on up and get dressed for riding. Frank will be waiting, I'll come up once I'm done with our guest." John shoos them off.

Barbara is looking at him again with a sad look on her face. "Well, this is a busy place. I had no idea you had 4 children." She appears almost about to cry. "How old are the two girls? Lucy never mentioned you had children."

"Long story, but Susie is 8 and Brooklynn is 6 and the twins are 7 months. Susie is adopted and Lucy didn't know about Brooklynn." He bounces Aiden. "I'm sorry Barbara, I know it is hard for Lucy to be gone, she was a special girl. Please, tell me what I can do for you."

"I just really wanted to see how you were. It looks like you have your life back, married, children, all the things Lucy will never have." She is trying hard to hold her emotions back, it must be difficult for her to see John with children, when she will never have grandchildren to love.

"I know, and I'm sorry that she never had the chance. I think about her a lot you know."

Barbara nods. "I'm glad you remember her. I think about her everyday. I wanted to apologize for my visit to the hospital when you were recovering, I understand it was hard on you too, you almost died, didn't you?"

"Yes. I don't know why I lived and Lucy died, it was very hard for everyone who knew her, she had a lot of friends on the staff. She was a determined girl, and a very caring person, she was great with her patients."

Barbara flips open the box and pulls out a pendant. "This looks expensive, and I thought you might want it?"

"No, please keep it. It was a gift for Lucy, and I really would like you to have it. I am sure Lucy would want you to keep it too."

"Why would you give her something like this? It seems so valuable and the inscription is beautiful, did you do that?"

He nods. "It had to do with a something we talked about the first time I supervised her. I gave it to her after we spent the day trying to locate the father of a little girl who was in the ER and needed him to donate blood for her." John takes it out of her fingers and flips it over, running his thumb over the engraving. "The inscription was just a reminder to her that we do our best every day and sometimes it's not enough, but we have to keep on trying, that we can never give up. She never gave up, she fought for every patient and she would have been really great in Psych." He puts it back in the box and slides it over to Barbara. "She and I had some great discussions, she was very insightful, and she is missed."

"Yes, thank you for the letter and the match information. She would have been very happy to know she had match in Psych, it was her passion. You have a way with words, John, I see why she was so close to you." Barbara smiles shakily and picks up the box. "It is nice to know the meaning behind this, it seems like something she treasured. She valued your friendship, and I know she would be happy that you are doing well. You have a beautiful home, a lovely wife, a family, your children are adorable."

"I feel very lucky, every day. I came so close to losing everything." He reaches across and takes her hand. "I try not to take any of it for granted, Barbara, and I wish every day that Lucy had survived too."

Barbara slides the other packages closer to him. "This I do want you to have. Do what you like with it, but it may give you an idea of how much influence you had on her. She struggled with some things, and you gave her direction, and I am grateful she had you in her life." She brushes a tear of her cheek. "I'm sorry I was so thoughtless when I came to see you. I have reflected on what I asked that day, and I know how difficult that must have been and I appreciate how gracious you were in answering."

John shakes his head. "No, don't apologize. You had just lost your daughter, and I cannot imagine what that must be like. As a parent, it would be my worst nightmare, to lose one of my children, I wouldn't handle it well either."

"Do you know what happened to that man? I have been trying to find out where he is, I hope he is still locked up for what he did, taking away my daughter and severely injuring you."

I surreptitiously look over at John, it is one of his issues that Sobricki is free and I don't know what he is going to say to Barbara Knight.

He simply shrugs. "I don't know where he is at this moment. I try not to think about him, I just hope he never does it to anyone else. I have to let it all go, if I dwell on it then it is taking away my happiness. He took way too much, from so many people, I can't let him take that too."

I almost cry at those words, I know how much he has struggled to regain some sense of normalcy in his life. He lost over 9 months of his life between recuperating, the time he was fighting his addiction and treatment for his drug addiction, though I am sure Barbara doesn't know just how much he struggled.

Barbara nods. "I should go. I really just wanted to make sure you were okay. I am sure you had to take time off work but it is nice to see you recovered and well. Thank you, John you meant so much to Lucy."

John hands me Aiden and stands, giving Barbara a hug. "Thank you. Take care of yourself, Lucy was very proud of you, you know. She told me once that she had been raised by a very strong capable woman, she loved you at lot."

He escorts her to the door while I put the twins down on a blanket to play on the grass. They are getting very active and soon are crawling and playing on the lawn. John comes back and scoops each one up for a hug and kiss, then he pulls me in for a hug as we watch them explore.

"That was really difficult, she still looks devastated. I hope we never have to go through something like that."

"You already did, John, you went through it too."

"No, losing a child Susan, I don't think I could bear it, and we have four. Lucy was her only child, how does she go on, losing her only child."

"Because she doesn't have an option, John. She has to go on, or give up on life. You didn't give up, you've lost so much and yet here you are. Father to 4 children, my husband, you would have been missed every bit as much as Lucy. Your friends, your family we all need you. It makes me sick to think that I could have lost all of this without even knowing."

"I nearly did though, I almost gave up, I was in a pretty dark place for a long time. I came way too close to losing everything. I was self-destructing, and I could be dead too if I hadn't been caught and Benton hadn't come after me. If he had let me walk out, I would have been scoring on some street corner, I was coming down hard and there was no light at the end of that tunnel."

His words shock me. I pull him close to me and hug him tight. "I am so glad someone caught you, and you got the help you needed. I can't imagine my life without you, without our children." I whisper this as his arms squeeze me tight against him. "I love you, John, we need you here, remember that always."

"I love you too. My family is everything, you know that, I could never leave you, not on purpose."

I think about how I kept his daughter from him. I wonder if he had known about her when this all happened if it would have made a difference to him, if it would have kept him from going so far down that road. Knowing he had someone counting on him to be there? I know he was very alone, he had isolated himself from his friends, the people at work were dealing with their own grief and issues, and his family was noticeably absent from his life, as usual.

I am immeasurably saddened by the thought that his daughter may never have had the chance to meet her father, he was so close to the edge. Did he ever think about ending it? I get a shiver at the thought and I don't have the courage to ask.

I feel like he came closer to dying that anyone even realizes. Of course they know he was in critical condition before surgery, but do they know how close he was afterwards, when he was sinking into addiction? I wonder if getting caught was his cry for help, and that it was no accident he shot up Fentanyl in the trauma room, where he had a good chance of someone walking in.

Louisa comes out to check on the twins, and I ask her to take them inside, I think I need to give my husband a bit of attention right now. He is clearly shaken up by the visit, and is staring at the packages on the table like they are a ticking bomb.

He goes over to the table and picks up the packages Barbara left for him. He sinks into one of the chairs and sits for a long time before he moves. He opens the box first and he rubs his face and I know he is trying not to cry. He snaps it shut before I see what it is, but it affected him deeply.

He pulls the wrapping off the second rectangular package and lifts the lid of the box. On the top is a picture of a pretty blond girl, vibrant eyes, and I see why Chuny would have thought John had something going with her. Exactly his type of girl, I hate to admit it, but he is so damn predictable. I know he did kiss her at the very least and there was something between them, I just don't know what or how serious. She looks so young and innocent, and beautiful. I go up and put my hands on his shoulders, rubbing gently. "Lucy?"

"Yeah, Lucy. She was so young, she'd just turned 25 before she died." He moves the picture and there is a diary, with a key attached. "Shit, her diary? Is she kidding? She gave me Lucy's diary?" He puts his head in his hands and rubs his hands through his hair. He seems almost breathless, and he sits there silently for several moments, I keep rubbing his shoulders and notice he is shaking. "I don't have any right to look at this, Lucy would never have wanted me to read her diary." His voice is almost a whisper.

"Her mom thinks she would have wanted you to read it. It sounds like Barbara knows what is in it, and maybe she thinks it will make you feel better."

"Nothing can make me feel better about what happened to Lucy. Ever. I had to evade Barbara about Sobricki, I just couldn't tell her he was out and wandering around, living his life like he didn't murder her daughter and fuck up my life. That he has a wife and a child, something Lucy can never have. I thought she was going to cry even seeing that I had a family, what would it have done for her to know the man who took her daughter away had everything she wanted for Lucy."

"I know, John, you did a good thing, I don't believe she would want to know, it's better to let her think he is institutionalized somewhere. It wouldn't make it any easier for her. It sure doesn't do anything for you."

"What am I going to do with this? I know she's gone, but I feel like it such a violation of her privacy. I don't understand her mother."

"I don't know John. I really don't. It's up to you whether you look at it or not, but Barbara seemed to think whatever was in here was positive."

He takes a deep shaky breath. "It just feels like reopening so much, I don't know if I can do this." He runs a finger over the top of the diary. He carefully tucks Lucy's picture back in the box and puts the lid on, like it's Pandora's box and needs to be locked away. Maybe it is for him, I don't know the extent of his relationship with Lucy, what his real feelings were for her. Her mother seemed to think he needed to know what was in the diary, but he seems afraid of finding out. I don't know if the will help him heal, or if it will cause more damage, but it is out of my control, and I can only be there for him

"Don't make the decision right now. This visit obviously was difficult, John, and you need some time. But we can talk about it anytime you want. Or if you need, to talk to someone who knew her if you don't feel comfortable talking to me about it. I won't be offended by it, you need to talk to someone though, I can see you are struggling with this."

"That obvious huh. I don't know if you want to hear any of this, it's complicated, Susan, so very complicated and we have enough to deal with."

"Then talk to someone else. Jing-Mei, Jim, Tiffany, or go to a counselor or therapist if you need. Just don't bottle it up, you know that you can't avoid dealing with whatever is going through your head right now. I love you, and I am telling you right now that you need to deal with it."

He puts his hand over mine. "I know, baby, I will, I just can't this second, okay? When I'm ready, but I can't today, I don't even know what I'm thinking or feeling, I can't sort it out."

"Okay, but I'm here, always and forever, you can tell me anything and I will love you no matter what."

He pulls me around and onto his lap, and holds me tight. "Thank you, I am such a mess, how can you still love me?"

"For everything you are, John, you have had some tough breaks, but you are still such a wonderful loving man, a great husband, a terrific father, there is a lot to love, I see it every day. We can work through this, but you are going to need help with it."

The next few days pass quickly, I can see John is a bit haunted by the diary, which has disappeared. Brooklynn however seems a bit better, she is not having nightmares every night and seems to be warming up to me again slightly, maybe she has realized that her daddy really is not going anywhere.

The girls finish school and say good bye to the horses for the summer. Millicent looks a little teary eyed that we are leaving, but she has been encouraging the trip from the moment John suggested it. Apparently Brooklynn and Susie are way behind in the travel department, though the twins are both already becoming seasoned travelers at the age of 7 months.

We have two cars to take us to the airport. John takes Aiden, Brooklynn and Rachel with him in one limo, and I take Hailey, Susie and Louisa with me. Rachel is wide eyed with excitement, she has only ever been in a limo once, for her dad's funeral so this is a treat for her. A limo ride where it is a positive occasion, not a sad one.

She is even more excited when she sees the plane. "No way! We are going on that?" She points to the Gulfstream as the drivers pop open the trunks and the luggage is being loaded onto the plane.

John smiles and gives her a hug. "Yes, we are. So, enjoy the flight to London sweetie." Jim as usual has arranged the Davis jet, and considering the cost of the flights for the number of people, John has informed me it is comparable to the cost first class tickets for all the adults. John and Jim make some sort of arrangements between themselves to cover the cost of the fuel, landing fees and crew, and they have worked out splitting the sailing yacht and the villas we will be renting during our trip. They get the fabulous Katie Wisher involved in the planning and she has us covered for accommodations, car rentals and train tickets as needed. She really is a gem of a travel agent.

We are quickly settled on board and in the air, Rachel can't stop grinning. Brooklynn and Susie seem nonchalant about everything, but then they have been on the private jet before more than once, and they have both flown several times now in commercial first class.

We make a quick landing in London, Rachel says her good byes as she is going to spend a couple weeks with Elizabeth, then she is going to meet us in Italy for several weeks of travel. Elizabeth may join us for some of the trip as well, she is working a bit in London, but will be taking the last couple weeks of August off work. We are playing it by ear with Rachel, as long as she keeps up her school work, John would like her to do most of the trip with us.

We land in Barcelona, Spain, and step off the plane. I am grateful to have Louisa with us, Jim and Tiffany are going to pay her a bit extra to have her help with Riley, and Rachel has offered to help babysit when we want to go out some nights to the clubs for drinks and dancing.

Louisa has not had much of a chance to travel either, so she is excited that we have asked her to come. A working holiday, she will be filling in and helping manage the kids, but we also plan to let her have time off to explore on her own. She will often be sightseeing with us as well, so she will have plenty of company. She and Rachel get along great as well, she is an incredible nanny who fits in perfectly with our family.

We spend a few days in a hotel then we head to the harbour and board the luxury sailing yacht. I feel very relaxed this time, it is all familiar now.


	49. Chapter 49

The weather is glorious as we set sail down the coastline, making a few stops along the way and see a bit of France. Neither of the girls has ever been to France and they get to practice the bits of French they have learned in school. This earns them some smiles, they are both so cute and enthusiastic.

Now that we are all on the boat, Brooklynn seems more relaxed and has been nightmare free for almost two weeks. She is still very much a daddy's girl, and I notice she doesn't go anywhere without her Bella bunny. John gave it to her, so I am not at all surprised, and it seems to comfort her, she rubs the new collar John put on the bunny for her incessantly.

I am not sure she has totally forgiven me for telling John to 'go away' and she is still not overly warm towards me. This is disheartening, my first born baby is quite upset with me. John however is very affectionate with me, I think he recognizes that Brooklynn is not going to forgive me easily and he is trying to show her how much we love each other and that our family is solid. I appreciate the effort, and I know he has talked to her a few times now, and is trying to encourage her to get past what happened before we left Chicago.

A few days into our trip, we celebrate our 1st anniversary. The day has a fantastic start as my ever loving husband opens his gorgeous deep brown eyes.

He snuggles close to me. "Good morning, baby, Happy Anniversary." He whispers in my ear and gives me a very deep and loving kiss. "I love you."

I wrap my arms around him. "I love you too. Happy Anniversary."

The kissing turns into a passionate lovemaking session, and by the time we make it out of bed, I must be glowing. I stretch luxuriously and we take a very steamy shower, as he makes love to me again.

"Wow, I think I need some sustenance after that!" I giggle and we finally dress and wander out on deck, our fingers entwined.

"Well, the lovebirds finally make an appearance." Jim's eyes are twinkling with amusement, and I blush just a little. He obviously knows what we were doing half the morning. "Happy Anniversary."

"Thanks Jim."

Tiffany comes over and gives us both hugs. "A year, that's exciting. We are going to have a great day."

We get a chorus of anniversary wishes and hugs from the girls, then hugs from the twins, though of course they have no idea what is going on. They are their usual smiley happy selves, keeping us busy chasing them as they scoot around the deck.

We are docked just off the coast of France, near Cannes, and we have a great day exploring as a group. Late in the afternoon we go back to the yacht briefly to change as my wonderful husband has arranged for us to go ashore for dinner, just the two of us. We both dress up and John takes me to a very fancy restaurant for dinner and for dancing.

The meal is exquisite, fabulous French cuisine with creme brulee and Pot de Creme for dessert, which we share. I love France, the food is incredible, and being right on the coastline their is plenty of fresh seafood.

"Wow, that was amazing. How did you find this place?" I sip my coffee after the dessert plates are whisked away.

"Just asked the captain of our yacht. He had some great suggestions, this was his top pick."

"Ah, well he was right. Good call, I love this place."

He stands and holds out his hand, asking me to dance with him. He holds me tight in his arms as we move among the other couples on the dance floor, and I feel like I am back on the boat when we got married. Our song gets played, the one we danced to at our wedding, and it turns into a magical evening.

Towards the end of the evening, when we are both ready he pulls out a card from Jim and Tiffany.

"They told me we needed to wait to open this until we were done dinner and dancing, but before we leave the restaurant." He holds it out to me.

I take it and open the envelope and out falls a key card. I hold it up and read the card. "This is a key to your own fantasy suite. Happy Anniversary, have a night ashore, love Jim and Tiffany."

John grins. "Fantasy suite huh. Well, Mrs. Carter, what do you think?" He winks at me.

"I think we should go visit this suite, Mr. Carter." John pays the bill and we leave the restaurant. "Now we just have to find this place."

"I know where it is, Susan. I've been to Cannes quite a few times." He takes my hand and sure enough he knows where it is, he finds it with little trouble. It is a gorgeous hotel not far from the water, and when John unlocks the door I give a little gasp, the room is spectacular.

There is a bouquet of roses, champagne on ice, strawberries and the room is dimly lit with candles scattered around ready to be lit. There are some packages on the bed, and I notice an overnight bag.

"Well, they certainly went all out. This is incredible." I inhale deeply, enjoying the roses. There is a card, and it turns out the flowers are from John. "So how did flowers from you end up here?"

"This is Jim and Tiffany you are talking about, I am sure they redirected them, you were supposed to get them on the boat. The champagne is from them, though. They packed us a bag too, typical that they would think of everything."

"I noticed. And my gift for you is here." I pick up the flat package from the bed.

"Mine for you too. This is amazing, a night on shore, where we don't have to be quiet." He pulls me into his arms and kisses me deeply. "Hmmmm where to begin."

"I am sure you will think of something, you always do." I barely finish my sentence and my silky dress ends up in a pool at my feet. We end wrapped up together on the king sized bed.

I lay content in his arms for quite a while after our lovemaking, wondering how I got so lucky to have a man like this in my life. John seems relaxed and happy to just enjoy our closeness too, the silence is comfortable and familiar.

He finally pulls on a robe and hands one to me, and pops the champagne open, pouring it into the fancy engrave champagne flutes. He taps the edge of my glass gently with his.

"To my beautiful wife, who I will love, forever and always."

I lean in and give him a kiss. "I love you too, baby, and I always will." We both drink and he offers the strawberries, I take one and bite it, it is sweet and juicy marrying perfectly with the expensive champagne.

John hands me a lovely gift box.

"I think we should open these." We sit on the bed facing each other and I open the box. It is a beautiful and I am sure very expensive watch, which I love. I inspect the band and see the engraving _forever and always_.

"John, thank you, it is gorgeous. You spoil me rotten. I love you so much." I hug and kiss him, resting my head on his shoulder.

"Back at you beautiful. You know I love you too."

I hand him my gift for him. "Don't laugh." I am a bit nervous at my unique gift, I am hoping he likes it.

"Why would I laugh?" He pulls the bow and opens the box. His eyebrows go up as he flips through the fancy book. "Oh, baby, I'm not laughing. These are amazing. Damn good thing you waited to give me this until we were alone, or we would have been sitting at the table for a very long time."

I crawl over and lean against him as he view the pictures. "I wanted something kind of special, and someone mentioned they had this done for their husband, and he loved them. So….I went and did a photo shoot for you."

"Wow, I more than love these, they are incredible. And sexy. You look amazing, these are very special, that you would do this for me." He turns and gives me a kiss. "I can barely take my eyes off them, these are so great."

"You get to pick your favourite and I am going to have it printed and framed for you."

" _Really?_ Wow, you know where I'll be sitting all the time. Though it is going to be tough to pick a favourite, they are all so good." He flips through the book again one at a time, looking at the boudoir style photos I had done. "These are so sexy, baby." He puts the book aside and I can tell he is very turned on by the photos. He wraps me in his arms and makes love to me for the second time in the last hour.

I lay with my head on his chest as we both catch our breaths, our fingers are entwined. "So you like your photos?"

"Hell, yes. Those are gorgeous, sexy and tasteful at the same time, that is a very talented photographer, and the camera loved you. I cannot believe I have pictures like that of my wife, but I love them."

"I was worried they would be slutty, but they aren't. I was so impressed with how they turned out."

"Me too. Lucky me, I get to look at them whenever I want." He kisses me again. "You are an amazing woman, Susan Victoria Lewis. I never saw that coming."

"Have to keep you guessing and keep it interesting. Make love to me again." I wrap my arms around his neck. I am relieved he likes the photos. No, he _loves_ the photos. I can tell he is totally into them, his eyes say it all.

It has been a special day, spent with the man I love with all my heart. We spend the next few hours wrapped up in our own world as we make love, and enjoy our time together. We order room service and sit in bed feeding each other, something we don't get to do often but it takes me back to those wonderful weeks when I was getting to really know John.

We finally fall into an exhausted sleep, cuddled up in the bed.

I wake up much later and it is still dark, but the phone is ringing incessantly.

"Damn, who is calling at 3:30am?" John fumbles for the phone in the dim room. "Hello." He mumbles.

"Who is it?"

John sits up sudenly. "What? Is she okay?" He covers the receiver. "Tiffany, Brooklynn is freaking out."

I sit up alarmed. "What's wrong?"

He shakes his head and shrugs. "Tiff, put her on the phone for me. Just hold it up to her ear." He takes a deep breath. "Cuddle bug, it's daddy, what's wrong baby." He gets up and pulls on a robe. "Hey sweetie, don't cry, I'm coming back in the morning." I can hear sobbing and John walks towards the sitting area and sits on the couch. "I'm with mommy. No sweetie, I'm not leaving you, remember we talked about it, nommy and I are just having a night to celebrate our anniversary and she is here with me. Yes, mommy is here too." He pauses and listens, then he turns and says something really softly into the phone. I don't hear it all, but I hear 'Bella' and 'message'.

He turns back and sees me watching him closely. "Hey Tiff, yeah, give her Bella, she needs her bunny." He pauses again. "Should be on the dresser….found her? Yes give her the bunny and then let me talk to her again for a few minutes. If she doesn't calm down we'll come back to the boat so she can see me."

He takes another deep breath. "Brookie, do you have Bella? Did you get it? I love you too baby, and I promise I will be home just after breakfast tomorrow. Yes, mommy and I got married a year ago, remember? I took her out for dinner and it got too late to come back to the boat, so we are just sleeping at a hotel, but tomorrow night we are sleeping on the boat. Oh sweetie, I know, I miss you too. Can I what?" He gives me a reassuring smile. "Yes, I can bring you a souvenir from the hotel, and one for Susie too. I love you Brookie, now get some sleep okay? Auntie Tiffany is going to tuck you in with Bella and I will see you in the morning." He waits for a minute. "Thanks Tiff. Yeah, I'll fill you in on the story tomorrow, she was having nightmares but they stopped a couple weeks ago, and I didn't even think….I'm sorry honey, I should have warned you…..no, everything is fine with us, I promise. You did the right thing, calling, sometimes she just needs me to talk to her…..We're not getting a divorce, Tiff, Brooklynn is just upset about something that is going on with a school friend. No, I'm not leaving Susan and my kids, so you don't have to kick my ass. Yes, we will be back in the morning, and tell Jim thanks for the room. Nope not much sleep, but we kept ourselves entertained. Exactly what it sounds like, yes." He laughs softly. "Nope, she didn't get into the overnight bag yet." He laughs again. "Absolutely nothing. Right, nothing. Goodnight." He hangs up the phone.

"She had a nightmare?" I am very concerned.

"Or a panic attack. I guess she went to our cabin and we weren't there and she flipped out. Tiffany couldn't get her to calm down, she was crying and saying I was leaving you and we were getting a divorce. Tiff didn't know what to do, nothing was working so she called us and Brooklynn is tucked back into bed with Bella, but we do need to go back right after breakfast. I don't want her to get all anxious again."

"She told Tiffany we were getting a divorce? What is going on with her? And how did you get her to calm down?"

"She just needed to hear my voice, Susan, so I could let her know when I was coming back. We should have called her and let her know where we were, it scared her. I thought we had it under control, but obviously something is still bothering her. I'll talk to her again when we get back."

"So Bella is the key?"

"Kind of, I gave her Bella, remember? So she associates Bella with me and it calms her down."

"And what was Tiffany asking about us getting sleep?"

He laughs. "Um, well, she was wondering if you had found what she put in the overnight bag? Sounds like she packed you some sleepwear, and she asked what you were wearing if you hadn't opened the bag."

"And you said…"

"Absolutely nothing. That seemed to calm _her_ down, as she was ready to come and kick my ass if I planned on leaving my family and divorcing you."

I giggle. "Ah, right, so now she knows we kept ourselves _entertained._ So basically she knows we have spent the night having sex, and I am naked in your bed. Well now I'm curious about what's in the bag." I open the overnight bag and check it, coming up with a very sexy and lacy bit of lingerie. "Well, we can't let this go to waste." I hold it up in front of me and I see John smile.

"Naked in _our_ bed, but yes, she knows what we have been up to all night. Big surprise, they get us a room and its our anniversary. What were they expecting, we were going to discuss current events? Of course I spent the night making love to my wife." He can't take his eye off me as I slip on the sexy scrap of silky material and lay on the bed.

"Well, if we were getting divorced, we wouldn't be having hot sex all night. Speaking of which, come back to bed baby. I'm getting kind of lonely way over here by myself. Think about those pictures and how they make you feel."

"Mmmm, well we can't have you getting all lonely." He drops on the bed and takes me in his arms.

I wake up hours later, and it is just getting light. I wake up John with kisses and fingers through his hair, and we make love again before we have to get up and shower. He takes me for breakfast, and we stop and get the kids each a little item from the gift shop at the hotel then we gather up our things and check out.

We stop for a box of freshly made Macarons and Beignets from a little bakery, and make our way back to the yacht.

As soon as we arrive on the boat, Brooklynn is scampering across the deck. "Daddy! You're back!" He swings her up into his arms.

"I told you I'd be back, cuddle bug." He gives her a big hug and kiss, then whispers something in her ear and she giggles.

Brooklynn whispers something back and gives John another kiss.

He puts her down and I open my arms for her. "Hey baby doll, I need a hug too." She hesitates, then gives me a hug and a kiss. Nothing even close to the welcome John got, and I can see he is noticing and has a bit of a concerned look on his face which he wipes off quickly as Brooklynn turns and runs back to him.

I can see Tiffany and Jim watching this too, and I know we have a problem, I am just not quite sure what it is yet.

He takes her hand and goes to give Susie and the twins both hugs and kisses, then he pulls out their small souvenirs and the stuffed toys we bought for the twins and Riley.

Jim flips open the bakery boxes and grins. "Oh, awesome. Tiff, look what John brought back."

We all share the sweet treats while the crew gets us underway to arrive in Nice, which is a very short sail.

We spend the day in Nice, wandering the narrow streets and spend the afternoon swimming at one of the beaches. It is much rockier here, the small smooth pebbles hot under our feet, but we rent loungers so we can relax in comfort. John and Jim take the kids for a while and Tiffany and I sit and sip cold drinks.

She sighs. "I don't quite know how to get into this, so I am just going to ask outright. What in the hell is going on with you two?"

"With John and I you mean?"

"Yes, of course. Why did Brooklynn think you were getting a divorce? Are you two having marriage problems? If so, we want to help, you can't give it all up so easily."

"We're fine, I promise. It's all a big misunderstanding. You know John had to put down Marigold right?"

"Yes, I heard about that, I know he was sad to see her go, he has had her forever. Jim had to put down his horse about 3 years ago, it was rough."

"Well, I was kind of upset that he had just gone and done it without any discussion. I thought he should have had Brooklynn see the horse first, though I was wrong to be so harsh about it. We had a little disagreement, and I told him to go away. He knew I was spoiling for a fight, and he was not in the best frame of mind at that moment, so he left. You know, get some space, cool off?"

"So he refused to engage?"

"Yes, he wisely let me cool my jets. Anyways, Brooklynn heard me, I told John to leave me alone and go away. So he leaves the house and she freaks out, and tells me to stop yelling at her daddy, and that he was going to leave her and it was my fault. That she would hate me forever if her daddy left, and then she took off after John."

"Oh wow. Did she catch him?"

"Yes, I guess she was hysterical, and wouldn't calm down until he let her go with him. I guess as soon as he put her in the car she stopped screaming. He took her out for a few hours and talked to her. It turns out a little girl at school is having a hard time because her dad left and her parents are getting a divorce, some guy with the last name Wyatt?"

"Oh, Stephan Wyatt? He left his family? Why am I not surprised, he is a real ass. I had heard rumours about him and Chelsea breaking up."

"John said the guy was an asshole. Anyway, when I told John to go away, she thought I was telling him to leave permanently. So now I often wake up in the middle of the night and our daughter is in bed with us, she is anxious when John isn't home and last night she flipped out again. She clings to him nonstop, Tiffany."

"Separation anxiety? So John thought she was better?"

"Yes, she seemed calmer, and she has been absolutely fine during this trip, then suddenly she loses it. She went to our room and we weren't there?"

"Yes, she was on your bed screaming hysterically for John. So I called and as soon as she heard his voice she calmed down considerably. Then I gave her the bunny and John talked to her and she went to sleep almost right away. I have to say I was worried, Susan, she kept saying that John was leaving and divorcing you, and that her daddy was going to go away and never come back. She said something else, too, which was weird. She said that she only got her daddy when she was 4 and it wasn't fair she wasn't going to have her daddy anymore because mommy was mean to him. That really concerned me, Susan, that she thinks you are mean to John?"

I frown. "But I'm not. We hardly ever fight, we never get physical with each other when we are having a disagreement. We are affectionate in front of the kids. Why would she say that? The only time she has seen us fight was when I told him to leave me alone and go away."

"I don't know, but she also was talking to her bunny and she said something about it being their little secret. You might want to ask John if he know what that's about. I think he knows, it is something to do with that bunny."

"She has strong associations with the bunny. He bought that for her the day he found out she was his daughter. She had lost her favourite stuffed animal when we moved, but she wouldn't let me replace it. She told him about losing it, and he got her to accept Bella and essentially replaced her lost bear, and he was very subtle about it. Anyways, he started spending time with her and she bonded to him immediately and the bunny became her favourite stuffed animal. Which is strange since she never liked being close to men, but she attached to him right away, she didn't know who he was even. I invited him in while I was getting her ready for bed and he ended up reading her stories, she crawled all over him, made him read several stories then almost threw a fit when she had to go to bed. He tucked her in and told her he would come visit and she was okay."

"Really. I've never heard this story, John didn't go into details when he told us about Brooklynn. Only that you were back in town and he had just found out he had a four year old daughter. She attached to him just like that?"

"Seriously, my daughter was leery of men, yet John she instantly loved. John thinks she recognized they had a connection, even if she didn't know what it was."

"Possible, kids know things and he is like the pied piper of children. I swear he always has been, Susan. Kids love him."

"Yeah, I noticed, and now my daughter is treating me like a leper, and is all about her dad. I could see the look on John's face when she came to hug me, he is worried about something."

"I know, it was strange, because she was never like that before. She is a real daddy's girl, that is for sure, but she was never so distant from you. It's noticeable, and Jim and I have been worried that you and John are having issues that you are keeping to yourselves. Which I can understand, Susan, if you are and you need to keep it private. I'm here if you need to talk, Jim and I have had our moments too, every marriage has its bumpy spots.

"No, we really are fine, or I think we are. We haven't had a fight since our little disagreement that day when Brooklynn had her meltdown. Our anniversary was wonderful and romantic, I am still very much in love with my husband. However, Brooklyn is getting to be too much of a daddy's girl, I don't know what is going to happen in the fall when he goes back to work. He'll have overnight shifts, and so will I, it is going to get difficult, I hope she gets over it."

"You might need to have her talk to someone, it scared me how upset she got."

John and Jim come back with the kids and we all go back to the boat for dinner. Brooklynn clings to John non stop, despite the fact he has spent most of the day with her and she won't put Bella down for even a minute. I feels like she is winding up for a meltdown tonight.

Finally John takes her for a bath and I sit and look at the bunny with it's little collar engraved with _Brooklynn,_ and I rub the leather as I think. Then I realize something, and turn the collar and find there is a little secret compartment in it. With a piece of paper stuck inside.

I can hear Brooklynn still playing in the bath, and I pull out the paper. _"I'll be with you forever and always."_ I whisper this as I look at the paper. John. He is leaving her notes in the collar? The bunny calmed her down, he is sending her messages for when he can't be there? But he has never said anything, this is her little secret with her daddy? Only he would say something like that to her.

I tuck the paper back into the collar and put the bunny down and give my head a little shake. I quickly look through her things and find a little stash of tiny paper notes, all reminding her that her daddy is not going anywhere. I hear the water draining from the tub and quickly put everything back and slip into the next room to check on the twins who are both fast asleep. I check on Susie next as she is finishing brushing her teeth in the other bathroom.

I get her tucked into bed, and we read a story as I hear John reading with Brooklynn. Then he comes in and says good night to Susie, while I go to see Brooklynn.

"Hey sweetie, did you have fun with daddy today?"

"Yes, I always have fun with my daddy. I love my daddy." She is cuddled down clutching her bunny.

"You know we are going out for a while tonight, but you can call on the cell phone if you need to right? Daddy and I will be back later, I promise."

"I know, daddy told me he would come check on me when he got back. It's okay mommy, daddy promised to see me in the morning. I know if I wake up he might not be in your room, not until late."

"Okay honey. Have a good sleep." I give her a hug, she quickly hugs me back and cuddles back down. It seems John has prepared her well for tonight.

We get dressed and let Louisa know we will be back in a few hours but to call if Brooklynn panics.

Everyone seems relaxed, I think John had a talk with Jim too while they were out with the kids earlier. We get to the club and dance and relax, then John disappears off to the bathroom while Jim goes to get us drinks. Tiffany and I are listening to the music when we are approached by a cute guy with dark hair.

"Ladies, can I buy you a drink?"

"Oh that's okay, no thanks." I smile, I know John and Jim will be back soon.

He scans us both, I know he sees my wedding ring, but he is still flirting openly. "I'm Dave. Everyone calls me Dr. Dave."

"Oh, well nice to meet you Dave." I kind of look around looking for John and Jim, who are taking too long.

"So, do you have a name?"

"Susan. And this is Tiffany."

"Would you like to dance Susan?"

"No sorry, we are leaving soon."

"Oh, come on, just one dance." He wheedles.

Just then John reappears and does a double take at the guy. "Malucci?" I shake my head, he knows this guy? Wait. Malucci? The guy from County who started the rumour about John, Jing-Mei and her baby?

Dr. Dave as he calls himself turns. "Carter? What the hell are you doing here, hoss?"

"I'm on holiday. What are you doing here?" He shakes Dave's hand

"I work for one of the cruise lines now as the ships doctor, and I have a few days off, so I'm touring around a bit. Hey, you can vouch for me."

"Can I?" John raises an eyebrow.

"Mmmmhmmm. These lovely ladies here, neither want to dance." Dave smiles enticingly "Carter here knows me, we used to work together in Chicago, and we are both doctors. They are just standing here, I thought they might like to have a dance."

"Wow! Doctors? Like for real?" I make a big deal out of it and Tiffany tries not to laugh at Dave throwing out the MD title."

John looks down, a smile playing around his lips.

"Dr. Dave Malucci, and this is Dr. John Carter. What do you say, Carter, get one of these lovely ladies to dance with you?"

John raises his eyebrow at me, Dave has not realized we know each other and we silently agree to play along for now.

"Oh, I don't know, I'm not much of a dancer."

I almost laugh out loud, he is a very good dancer.

Dave shrugs and sips his drink. "I bet you can dance a little bit. What do you say ladies?"

"Oh, I don't know Dave." John shrugs. "I think you are on your own."

Dave shakes his head. "Thanks a lot man, the two best looking women in the room and you won't help me out?"

"Well, come on Dr. Dave, you have two very obviously married women, might want to try your luck with a couple of the single ones." John reaches out and holds up my left hand. "I mean, she has a pretty nice ring on her finger, her husband could be on his way over right now."

"If either one of these ladies were my wife I would never leave them alone in a club."

Tiffany laughs. "Why, because guys might come up and hit on them?"

Dave nods. "Exactly. Lucky guys, whoever got to marry either of you ladies."

"Thanks Dave, I do feel pretty lucky actually." John slides his arm around my waist and Dave stares at him.

"What? Susan is _your_ wife? So Susan Carter? Are you kidding? You got married? This is a little awkward."

"What, that you were flirting with my wife? I'll forgive you, they are the two best looking ladies in the room, though you might want to refrain when you see they're married."

Dave laughs. "Okay, point taken. So, Mrs. Carter, my apologies."

John holds up his left hand, showing his previously hidden wedding band. "Dr. Susan Lewis, Dave. She works with me at Northwestern as an Attending Physician. Our friend here is Tiffany Davis, she is married to my best friend, Jim."

"Wow, when I left County you were single, when did this happen?"

"Well we've been married a year now, but I've known her for 9 years actually."

"You are a very lucky man then." Dave sighs. "Maybe I'll have better luck in Monte Carlo."

"Oh, when you heading there?" John looks over as Jim arrives and hands Tiffany and I each drinks. "Jim, this is Dave Malucci, we used to work together at County."

"Nice to meet you Dave."

"You too Jim. So I am heading to Monte Carlo tomorrow if I can get a train."

"Well tell you what. Come out to the boat tomorrow and hang with our group, if your not busy. We are leaving in the morning for Monte Carlo. You can get a free ride and you don't have to try and get a seat on the train. It can be pretty crowded this time of year, and you have to transfer, so it takes a long time."

"I know, it seems like standing room only. The boat?"

"Yes." He pulls out his wallet and hands Dave a card. "My cell phone number is on here. We are on one of the yachts anchored at the marina, slip 238. Be there by 8am. Don't be late though or we'll leave without you."

"Cool. Thanks Carter."

"Dave, it's John, we don't work together anymore." His phone starts to ring and he pulls it out and glances at the call display. "Sorry man, I have to take this." He flips the phone open. "Hello? Sure put her on." He gives me a little wink and walks off towards the bar.

Dave smiles at me. "He's a nice guy, used to work with him in Chicago."

"I know, I have known him since he was 23, Dave."

Tiffany laughs. "And I've known him since he was 13."

"Ah right. So you are sure it's okay to catch a ride to Monte Carlo?" Dave looks at Jim.

"Absolutely. If John invites you, the invitation is good, and we have plenty of room, it's not a small boat. We should head back though, so if you want, we will see you at 8am."

We say good night to Dave and locate John who is talking to Brooklynn. "Good night sweetie, get some sleep okay?" He clicks the off button. "She woke up so Louisa called."

"She's okay?"

"Oh yeah, no nightmare, she just wanted to hear my voice." He puts his arm around me and squeezes. There was a time when she needed me, but now it's all about daddy.

We get back to the boat and John tiptoes in to check on Brooklynn, then he crawls into bed with me. "Fast asleep." He gives me a kiss and we cuddle together in the big bed.

The next morning I sleep in a bit, waking to realize I am alone in the bed, it is about 8:30 and we are underway. I crawl out of bed and check on the kids, they are all still asleep and Louisa is on duty. I freshen up and slip on a sexy bikini and a cover up. I go up on deck, and I hear John and Jim talking to someone.

I come around the corner and smirk. "Well, Dr. Dave, you made the sailing time."

"Yeah, couldn't pass up the free ride, and I must say I am very glad I didn't. This is a nice boat."

I go over and lean down giving John a very deep kiss. "Morning baby, last night was really fun." I can see Dave staring at us as I run a finger down John's cheek.

"Coffee?"

I nod and John pours a cup and fixes it just perfectly for me.

Tiffany wanders over just then and gives Jim a kiss and ruffles his hair. John hands her a coffee as he just finished mine, and she leans over and gives him a kiss on the cheek too. "Thanks sweetie."

Dave gives a little smile at this affectionate gesture with a sideways glance at me to gauge my reaction. I simply smile and sip my coffee, nothing unusual for John and Tiffany to hug or give each other a little kiss.

Susie and Brooklynn bounce over followed by Louisa who has Riley who she hands off to Jim. She looks at me. "The twins are just waking up."

"Thanks Louisa. If you want to bring them out, John and I will feed them."

Dave is looking at the sudden activity. Particularly two little girls climbing all over John calling him daddy.

"Uh, John?" He points at the girls.

"Dave, this is Susie, and Brooklynn."

"Daddy we're hungry."

As if on cue breakfast starts appearing in warming trays. "Okay, I'll help you get some breakfast. Help yourself Dave."

He gets them set up with food and then gets me a plate and then one for himself. We each have a chance to eat then Louisa appears with the twins and hands Hailey to John and Aiden to me.

Dave eats and sips his coffee watching John in particular, as he feeds his daughter. She is all smiles and giggles for her daddy. Dave doesn't say much until Louisa finishes her breakfast and takes the older girls to brush their teeth and dress for a trip into Monte Carlo.

"You have four kids? How is that even possible?"

John laughs. "Ah well. Susie is adopted, she is actually Susan's niece, long story. Brooklynn is my daughter with Susan, she turned 6 in May, and of course the twins Hailey and Aiden are ours, they are just over 7 months now."

"Wow, you've been busy since I saw you last. So you and Susan have known each other quite a while. She said since you were 23?"

"I worked with her at County when I first started, and then she went to Phoenix for a while. We reconnected when she came back."

"But the little girl Brooklynn is yours? I had no idea you had a daughter, you never mentioned it at work."

"Yes, Brooklynn is mine. She was a bit of a surprise when Susan came back from Phoenix."

"Ah. Like my son Marco. Unplanned but he's great. I don't get to see him much as I had to take this cruise job, you know the whole thing with the Marfans and the paramedic."

"Right. That's too bad Dave, that you have to be so far away from your little boy. How old is he? You never said anything about having a child either."

"He's almost 5 now. I will get back to the States in the fall and I will be looking for another job. You still at County?"

"No, Northwestern actually. Remember Weaver bagged me for Chief, I worked my ass off to get things back on track, and my reward was for her to finally offer me the job only after Deb messed up. Northwestern offered me Chief and Attending, and now I'm on tenure track, and doing a surgical trauma fellowship. Well, if I still have a job when I get back. Which reminds me I have to phone Justin."

"What going on Hoss?"

"Oh false accusations, one about disclosing confidential information, and a case at County for unauthorized access of patient records. That one is a nuisance, I think the handwriting expert will clear it up, but still, they won't hear my case until fall, so I'm suspended for the summer."

"So you are in Europe all summer? How can you manage that with 4 kids? I mean I know your family has money, but that much money?"

John shrugs. "Yes, I'm good financially. Money isn't an issue for us."

"Nice deal. So Jim, what do you do?"

"Oh, I'm in finance. My dad is a bit of a financial wizard and I help him manage investment funds."

John snickers a bit at this. "Just a little bit, huh, Jim?"

Dave gives John a confused look. "So how long have you two known each other."

"Forever. What is it now John? 17, 18 years? We went to school together, along with Tiffany. Known John since we were 13."

Dave gets a grin on his face. "Then you must know some good stories, you know blackmail type stuff?"

Jim laughs and shakes his head. "I wouldn't dare, he knows just as much dirt on me as I know on him, and we both know the dirt on Tiff, but she has plenty on both of us, right John?"

"You could say that, Jim. We blackmail each other into complete silence, Dave. No dirt forthcoming, sorry."

Jim nods at John. "We'll be in Monaco in half an hour, looks like the crew wants some help bringing her in."

"Let's rock. Dave, ever sailed?"

"Are you kidding? I can barely swim."

"Ah, well then, stay out of the way."

John and Jim get into the swing and Dave watches them. "Man, who knew Carter could sail."

Tiffany laughs. "Sail, rows, rides, skis, wrestles, swims, fences, surfs, plays a bit of basketball and baseball, and apparently kicks ass in a trauma room, catches babies and performs surgery blindfolded. He loves to travel and has been almost everywhere. He has many, many talents, that guy."

"So, he really does have a few pennies then. If he can afford to do all of that."

"I know he keeps it low key at work, but yes, his family is pretty wealthy." I admit this. I hold up my hand. "He gave me these."

"Right, I mistook you to be married to some rich old man, here it's Carter."

I laugh. "He's younger than I am too."

Dave shakes his head. "No kidding. So you bagged the _young_ rich guy. Well, good for you Dr. Lewis. Kidding aside though, he's a good guy, I enjoyed working with him at County. He was very well liked."

"He is a good guy, great with his kids and a terrific husband too. He spoils me rotten. Imagine, two months in Europe for our summer vacation."

"How did you get the time off?"

"Oh, well, a one year maternity leave to take care of 4 kids. The twins were a bit of a surprise, then we had to take in my niece after her mom left and her step dad died. I should be going back in October."

"The 4 kids and a wife is a bit of a shock, considering he was single and childless last time I saw him. But he looks happy, which is great, he had a couple tough years." He looks at me like maybe he said too much.

"Oh, I know. I am glad I wasn't there for the whole stabbing ordeal."

Dave nods. "I was there, and it not something I would want to go through again. I was in with Lucy, Weaver had to crack her, it was horrible. She was a sweet kid, Corday and Romano worked hard on her I guess, but she had PE and they couldn't get to it in time, 4 stab wounds. Carter was lucky to survive, they had run like 5 litres in him before they could even get him into surgery or so I heard. Jing-Mei, Kovac and Lockhart worked on him and of course Benton wouldn't leave him, we could barely drag him in to trach Lucy. Weaver lost it afterwards, can you believe it? She was outside throwing up after she had to crack that poor girl."

"She doesn't seem the type, she is a barracuda, but she has a soft spot for John, maybe she did for Lucy too. Never easy to see something like that when you know them personally. You know Barbara Knight came to visit John about a month ago."

"You're kidding! I didn't know he knew Lucy's mom. I only met her briefly, when she came to clean out Lucy's locker."

"He doesn't really know her all that well, but she visited him in the hospital too, and then she showed up not long ago. He was surprised to see her, but she seems like she is doing as well as can be expected, losing her daughter. She seems sweet, she wanted to make sure he was okay."

"Hmm, well he is now, but I wasn't so sure for a while. Like I said, nice to see him happy."

John and Jim come back. "Did you want to go ashore? We can get ready and go whenever you are ready."

We all go and get dressed and ready to visit Monte Carlo, we spend a few hours touring then find a nice beach to hang out for a while for a swim. Dave has joined our group and I find I don't mind having him around, and John doesn't seem bothered. They joke around quite a bit and Dave is really good with the girls, though he seems a bit nervous about the twins and Riley.

The guy seems a bit lonely to be honest, and I guess it must be tough, he has had to leave his little boy in the States to find work. John told me about the whole Marfans thing and the paramedic, and how Weaver never liked Malucci, firing him the first chance she got. He thinks Dave needs to take some responsibility, but he is not a bad guy really.

John suggested he leave his stuff on board while we tour and he can get it later, we will be here overnight and maybe drive up to Eze for a few hours tomorrow.

We take the kids back to the boat for dinnertime, then the adults all go into town for some grown up entertainment. Between Jim and John they dress Dave up a bit as he doesn't have anything suitable for dinner, and Monte Carlo tends to be a bit fancy. John also treats him to dinner, as Dave was hesitant about joining us, I think he is kind of low on funds and John recognized it.

Dave ends up using one of the empty cabins overnight and joins us again the next day for the trip up to Eze. Louisa keeps the twins and Riley with her on the boat, and we take 2 cars, I go with Jim and Tiffany and John takes the girls and Dave.

It is a fun day and we are back late, we get the girls back to the boat. Dave thanks us all for the great couple days, and heads into town with his things. John gives him all his current contact information and tells him to call him when he gets back to Chicago.

The adults dress up and go into town for a while, running into Jordan and Trisha. Jim is polite and invites them onto the boat the next day for a visit. We are going for a short sail but coming back for a show everyone wants to see in Monte Carlo. Jordan and Trisha arrive early in the day and we set sail, it is a gorgeous sunny day.

Jim comes over for a sip of his drink, while John and Jordan are working on deck.

"It's a hot one, such beautiful weather."

I am idly watching John, and I see Jordan acting a little peculiar, and he kind of sneaks up behind John and does something.

"Shit." This comes out of Jim's mouth as John rounds on Jordan, taking a swing as he does and has him laid out on the deck in literally seconds. I have never seen a reaction like that out of John, and it is a bit frightening. He slams Jordan down on the deck and he manages to get in another blow.

Jordan actually looks scared and Jim is across the deck in seconds as is one of the crew. It takes both of them to restrain John and pull him up off Jordan.

"Let me go, get your hands off." John is clearly upset and not handling being touched by anyone, he shakes them both off, almost laying out Jim in the process, and he is gone in a flash.

Tiffany looks at me. "I have never seen John do something like that, what happened?"

I shake my head and we both go over to where Jordan is being helped up. I step towards him but Jordan puts his hands up. "Get away from me." I can see blood trailing down his lip and a bruise already starting to form where John decked him.

"What was that?" Jim demands.

"He flipped out. I snuck up behind him, I was just horsing around, and he laid me out."

Oh boy. "Did you touch him?" I narrow my eyes at Jordan.

"Well, yeah, I kind of poked him in the back, and he totally freaked."

Jim smacks Jordan lightly upside the head. "Idiot."

"It was a joke, you know? I just wanted to make him jump. He didn't have to hit me like that, his eyes were a little crazy."

I am worried about John now, so I leave the group and I think the best bet to find him is our cabin, and I am correct.

"John."

He is sitting on the bathroom floor with his knees up, I can see he is not doing well, whatever Jordan did it shook him up. He is shaking and sweating and I am not sure if he knows its me, so I approach carefully.

"John, it's me. Are you okay?" He looks up and his eyes are almost blank, so I kneel carefully in front of him. "Hey, it's Susan, you know it's me, right?"

He gives a nod. "I know." He whispers.

I reach out to him and pull him into an embrace, rubbing his shoulders and letting him rest his head on my shoulder. "Are you okay?"

He doesn't speak, he just shakes his head slightly and I feel his arms go around me. I don't know how long we sit there, but I hear someone else come in the room. I turn my head slightly and I see it's Tiffany.

She looks at me in concern and I motion for her to leave. John was a bit like this that night he got drunk, I know he just needs me to be here. "John, why don't we go lay on the bed. Come on." I gently pull on him, and he gets up, but still says nothing. I pull off his sandals and take off his shirt which is damp, he is shivering despite how warm it is out. I put a blanket over him and then lay beside him on the bed, wrapping my arms around him again.

"Can you talk to me? What happened?"

"I don't know." This comes out a whisper. I can still feel him shaking and it seems like he can barely breathe.

"Okay, John, just relax, it's okay. It's okay, baby." I hold him tight and give him a kiss on the forehead.

My words seem to provoke a bit of a reaction, but he controls it quickly. He takes in a deep gasping breath, I know he is fighting for control over his emotions.

"John, don't fight it, just relax and let it out."

He shakes his head slightly, I can still tell he's fighting against his feelings. I simply hold him and keep rubbing his shoulders.

"I love you, it's okay. Just let it out, you don't need to be in control every second. I love you, always, you know that."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can, it's okay. I love you, baby, I love you."

We lapse into silence and I can feel him still shaking slightly, I feel like he is a tightly coiled spring, ready to come unwound at any second.

Something changes and I realize his face is wet, he buries it against my neck and clings to me. I feel like we have had a major breakthrough. I have never seen my husband cry, ever, about anything. It has always been me crying, and he has held me through endless jags. That he trusts me enough to let me see it, is kind of amazing. I kiss him and stroke his hair and let him stay where he is.

A flash goes through my head, I remember Tiffany asking if I had ever seen him cry, about anything. I wonder if she ever has? I suspect not, I doubt many people have, he holds his feelings in so tight.

I wonder if he has gone to sleep he is so still in my arms, but his breathing is still not deep. I reach across his back and secure a couple of tissues for him, and wait. I know this is hard for him, but he finally pulls back a bit and wipes his eyes.

"Sorry, I never get like this." He uses a tissue and buries his head again. His training at the hands of his family has made this so hard for him. A few tears and he seems embarrassed that he let me see.

"Maybe you should once in a while. You know it's okay to cry, especially with me. You need to let it all out, and I have a feeling you haven't for a long time. Hey, you've seen my waterworks numerous times."

"Men in our family never let anyone see them cry. Ever."

"Yeah, I kind of got that. But it's still okay, John, you have been through a lot. Have you ever let anyone see you cry?"

"Since I was about 9? Only once or twice. I remember even at my brothers funeral when I was 10, my grandfather told me he didn't want to see me cry. I was scared of him, so I kept it inside."

"Not since you were 9? No wonder you're such a mess."

"Yeah, no kidding. I did kind of break down in front of Benton though, that was really hard. The only time in my adult life where someone saw me, and it had to be Peter."

"You trusted him though. When did this happen?"

"When they did the intervention and he came after me, and I decked him. There were a few words exchanged and he got me really pissed off, and I was so shocked that I'd hit him. I was totally out of control, and going into withdrawal at that point, I couldn't keep my emotions under wraps. He has never mentioned it though, and I'm grateful."

"He's a good man, I am so happy he was there, I remember Mark thinking that they had lost you. You walked out and Peter was the one with the guts to confront you."

"Maybe because I have confronted him a few times. After Dennis died, I stopped trying so hard with Peter, stopped trying to be his student and told him off a least a couple times. Or maybe that is just how Peter is. He always acted like he didn't give a crap about me, and yet he was the one who saved me. Go figure."

"He cared. He never allowed himself to show it, but you know he cared. He was your supervisor. Just like when you were a med student and we worked so closely, I kept my feelings under wraps. Until that night in the pub and we were away from work and I was a little bit drunk. Then I asked you take me home, and let the attraction take over. Damn that was a great night."

"I know, I thought I was dreaming, you coming home with me, letting me kiss you like that. Asking me to make love to you. Those whole two weeks seemed like some sort of strange and wonderful dream."

I stroke his cheek. "Nope, very real and we have the daughter to prove it. What we have is very real John, I love you."

"I love you too."

"Can you tell me what happened now?" I am hoping he is calm enough to remember.

"I don't know. I was working and then I was hitting Jordan, I blanked out. I totally lost it, and I felt sick so I came back here. Then you came in, it's like I can only remember little flashes." His voice is a bit uncertain, though he is much calmer, though a bit tense as we get into this. "What did I do?"

"It's okay, John. He came up behind you, he was trying to scare you and he got more than he bargained for. Relax okay? He's fine, a little pissed that he got laid out on the deck, but he deserved it."

"Right, right. He touched my back, I didn't know he was there and I just reacted. I can't stand it when people come up behind me and touch me. I can't help it, it was like a reflex. I don't like people touching my back. I freaks me out, you know? After Sobricki."

I know that's true, though I touch his back all the time. I never sneak up on him though, and he trusts me, and often my hands run over his scars when we are making love. He never minds me touching him, or any of the kids, I have seen the girls touch his back and he never reacts, but again he knows they are there.

"I know. He shouldn't have come up like that, so it's okay, don't worry. Just relax." I keep rubbing his shoulders, he is incredibly tense.

"I flipped out a bit, didn't I?"

"A little. Have you ever reacted like that before?"

"Never like that. You know the first day I was back at work, Deb came up behind me and put her hand on my back but she spoke at the same time. She made me jump, but I knew it was her right away so I didn't freak out. I have never blanked out like that. It kind of scares me, that I lost it like that Susan."

"You had counseling right?"

"At rehab, yes. And I saw someone a few times when I came back, work paid for some sessions, not that the money mattered, but Kerry insisted."

"Well, Weaver did something right finally."

"She's not a bad person actually, we mostly got along, but she can get funny about some things."

"John, maybe you should go see someone when we get home. The blanking out, that's a concern. I have never seen you like that, Jim and one of the crew had to pull you off Jordan and you almost hit Jim. Told him to get his hands off you."

"I know." He says this softly. "It scared me, what if I lost it like that with one of the kids, or with you? I couldn't live with that, if I hurt someone I loved."

I hug him tight. "You're not going to hurt one of us, sweetie. The girls run up and put their hands on your back all the time, you have never reacted to one of them touching you. I think it was just that you didn't know Jordan was there, but he purposely did that, to get a reaction out of you. You love us too much. But, the fact you blanked out, makes me think PTSD."

John sighs. "I'm just under stress with the whole work thing, and Brooklynn. I'll think about it okay?"

I nod. "I love you, and we can get through this, okay?"

"I love you too."

He kisses me, I kiss him back. I want him to make love to me, I crave the closeness and i want him to fully relax.

I lead him into a lovemaking session, pulling my dress up over my head so I am just in my small bikini. I kiss him, running my hands through his hair. I feel him undo my top and caress and lavish attention on my breasts, while sliding my bikini bottoms down. It takes no time and we are naked together on the large bed.

We cuddle for a few minutes afterwards, and I realize he has drifted off into sleep. I lay with him for a few minutes, knowing the events exhausted him, then quietly gather my things and creep into the bathroom where I quickly freshen up and put my bikini and dress back on. I look at my slightly flushed cheeks and wonder if everyone will know what we were doing, but then I shrug. Who cares, he's my husband, so what if we had sex in the middle of the afternoon.

I take my time going back to the group, stopping for a drink. Jordan and Trisha look pissed off, but I can tell Jim and Tiffany are concerned.

"Is he okay?"

"Yeah, he's fine, he's just having a sleep, I'm sure he'll be up for dinner."

Jordan snorts. "Yeah, beats the crap out of me and you guys are all worried about him. Nice."

I can't stand this guy, I really can't.

"Do you know how he got the scars on his back?"

Jordan shrugs. "Someone said he was stabbed."

"Yeah, the guy was hiding and came up behind him, stabbed him twice in the back. You came up behind him, without letting him know you were there. He reacted, he wasn't trying to hurt you, it was a self-preservation reflex."

"Right good excuse." He pushes out of his lounger and stalks off, Trisha huffs and follows him.

Tiffany looks at me. "Is John really okay? He almost hit Jim."

I look around quickly and lower my voice. "He kind of blanked out. We talked for quite a while before he could remember what happened. He said he was working then he was hitting Jordan. Then he was in our cabin. He kind of lost track of what happened in between, it's a stress reaction. Jordan snuck up on him and touched his back, it triggered something like a flashback to being attacked. That whole thing was traumatic, watching that girl bleeding on the floor, waking up to find she was dead? He was close to her, he supervised her closely for months."

"And her mother just came to visit, right?"

"Yes, John found that very stressful and her mom left John the girl's diary if you can believe it."

"Her diary? Really? Why?"

"I don't know. John was upset about it, I don't know that he even opened it to be honest. He said he doesn't have the right to read it. And then he had to put the horse down, Brooklynn has been freaking out, he has the work stuff going on. I'm worried about him."

Jim is concerned, I can tell by his face. "Is he okay now though? He's fully coherent?"

"Yes, and he knows he almost hit you, and he's worried about blanking out. It took a toll on him, and he's sleeping, but I am sure he will talk to you about it later. He seems on edge and I think he is going to need to go talk to someone when we get home. Can we get Jordan off the boat? He is not helping and doesn't seem to get how serious it was, and I don't know if he knows…about the addiction."

Jim shakes his head. "No, I had to drag it out of John, he didn't really want to talk about it for the longest time, but he finally sat down with Tiff and me, and told us the whole story. I'm not sure even how much Ryan and Angie know to be honest."

"Sounds like John, it took him a while to even tell me, his back was bothering him and I tried to get him to take some painkillers and he refused. Then he finally told me."

We chat for a while longer and the crew docks the boat. Jordan and Trisha gather up their stuff and head into town, saying they might run into us at the club later.

John finally appears stopping to get a soda from the bar area.

He sits and looks at Jim. "Sorry, I don't know what happened there, I didn't mean to take a swing at you."

"No, it's fine, Susan gave us a general idea of what happened, Jordan was acting like an ass. He and Trisha have gone into town. Jordan is fine, he wasn't happy about being laid out on the deck, but he should know better. He knows you have some mad wrestling and kickboxing skills, he went to school with you after all."

John nods, but I can see he is still upset.

We spend some time with the kids, which seems to relax everyone then we have dinner.

The evening is pleasant, John seems in a better frame of mind, but is a bit ansty, so we all decide to go ashore for a while after the kids are in bed.


	50. Chapter 50

John's happier now that we're on shore and he has something to occupy his mind. He seems on edge and I'm concerned about him. His mood today has been up and down since the whole incident with Jordan, I make note to talk to him later about it when we have the privacy of our room.

We attend a show, and we watch a fireworks competition over the bay, which is fabulous and seems to cheer him up. As John's in a much better frame of mind, we decide to find a club, dance and have some fun, and I hope keeping busy will keep his mind off things. Unfortunately though, as the evening proceeds, John seems preoccupied.

I pull him aside. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, my back is bothering me, I must have twisted wrong today. I'll be fine."

"I'll give you a massage later, when we get back to the boat. That helped last time."

"That would be nice. I'll be back, need a bathroom break." He heads off and I chat with Tiffany for a while.

I start to wonder where John's gotten to, and it's more than half an hour before he arrives back at our table. Something seems off, he has a drink in his hands and it looks suspiciously like scotch. My fears are further confirmed when Jordan appears and buys a round of tequila and John has a couple shots.

"No hard feeling right?" Jordan and John seem to have come to some understanding, and are back to being friends it seems.

"It's fine Jordan, just don't do it again."

I look at John and shake my head in disapproval as he tosses back another shot of tequila. I'm not happy he's drinking, but I try not to get too irate about it. He shrugs at me and he holds out his hand, asking me up to dance for a nice slow song and he pulls me close as we reach the dance floor. He smells weird, I'm trying to place the aroma as he kisses my neck.

I'm getting worried, he's acting strangely, and I don't think it's the alcohol, though I realize I have only seen him drunk a few times in the entire time I've known him. Once when he went out with Harper at lunchtime and came back blitzed, and the time when he melted down after his mom left town. And of course our pub night when I went home with him. Other than that, he has drinks, but he hasn't gotten drunk.

"Are you okay, John?"

"I'm fine. I need to relax okay? Quit worrying baby, let's enjoy our holiday." His words are slurred.

"You're acting weird, John, and you've had more than enough to drink. Have you been smoking? You smell like..." I suddenly realize what he smells like. "You're stoned."

"I smell like I'm stoned?"

"John, are you on something? Did you smoke a joint?" I look up into his eyes, they're glazed over and red rimmed, and I know he's definitely been smoking weed. I can smell it on him. "Damn it, John, you're high?" I give him  push away from me. "What were you thinking?" I'm getting overwrought, but he's drunk _and_ he's stoned. These are two steps down the wrong path.

"It was a tough day, I needed to take the edge off. It's just a little pot, Susan, and a couple drinks." He tries to pull me close again. "I need some love from my wife, relax and dance with me baby."

I push him away from me. "Not likely, you're not getting any love from me tonight. You're high and you're drunk. Get it together." I turn and stalk towards the table, grab my clutch and head out the door, Tiffany watching me in confusion. John is right behind me.

"Susan. Susan, stop. Talk to me."

"There's nothing to say. You're a drug addict, John, you can't just smoke up and get drunk and think it's all okay. It's not okay, you need to get it together. What else did you take?"

He reaches out to me. "Nothing, I haven't taken anything else. I'm sorry." He holds my shoulders, and for some reason, it pisses me off and I try to pull away. "Susan, don't walk away, don't _please_. I need you to talk to me."

I yank away and head out the doors, and he's right behind me, I stop and turn opening my mouth to speak, but his phone rings. He fumbles it out of his pocket and looks at the call display, then clicks the answer button. "Hi. Louisa, yes put her on." He pauses briefly. "Hey baby, what's wrong? I'll be back soon, go back to sleep cuddle bug. Yes, you can have pancakes for breakfast. I love you too. I'll be there when you wake up in the morning okay?" He clicks off the phone as I stand there with tears in my eyes.

"What?" He's looking at me in confusion. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"She can't even go a couple hours without you, can she?" I can't help but sound bitter. My baby doesn't want me, it's all about her daddy, and has been for the last few weeks. "You drop everything for her, every time. I was talking to you."

"No, you were walking away from me, telling me to get lost. You're upset because I took a phone call? She's our daughter, you didn't want me to take the call? You want me to ignore Brooklynn because you're throwing a tantrum?" He's angry and his voice rises as he talks.

"Lately she's not our daughter, she's _your_ daughter. I raised her by myself for four years, and you waltz in and all she sees is you. I was the one she used to love, and now it's just you." A tear runs down my cheek.

"Waltz in? Are you fucking kidding? You didn't see fit to even tell me about her, Susan, I found out about her by accident. I thought we were over all of this, but now you stand there saying I waltzed in, like I have no right to be part of her life? I've done my best to be there for her, I can't help it if she's going through a rough spot, and if I can help her with that, damn it, I will do whatever I need to do. That includes answering her phone calls right away anytime she calls me. She's a child, more to the point, she's _our_ child, and you're acting like I'm taking calls from some other woman. What the hell is that about?"

"Does doing everything you can include taking her away from me? I was everything to her for four years and now she doesn't even want me."

"I'm not taking her away from you. Since when have I ever tried to take her away?"

"You are, right now. She hates me, she only wants you, damn you John, why are you doing this to me?"

"Doing this to you? What the hell am I _doing to you_ , Susan? I can't help it if she's upset that she didn't know me until she was four. Maybe you should have thought of that before you ran off to Phoenix, without telling me you were pregnant. Maybe you could have taken the time to call me and say, hey by the way John, you have a daughter do you want to part of her life? Don't put this on me, I wasn't the one who said it all meant nothing, the one who ran off, the one who said leave me alone, go away. You suddenly resent the fact that I have a relationship with my child? She's _my_ child just as much as yours even if you didn't want me there. Maybe you really don't want me to be here now."

"That's what you think? I did what I thought was the best thing, and here we are, back to you being mad that I didn't tell you? Grow the fuck up John, deal with it." I can't help but be annoyed with him, he started all of this by getting drunk and high.

"Why don't you grow the fuck up, Susan. Acting like a petulant two year old when our daughter is hurting, you want me to ignore her? You can't stand it that she's turning to me instead of you?" He looks like he is ready to break down and cry. The last words come out in a very choked up voice. "I didn't know this was a fucking competition, I thought it was about a little girl we both love."

John suddenly stops and rubs his hands across his face. We stare at each other for a long moment, then he finally takes a deep breath and steps towards me.

"Susan, don't okay, just don't do this. We need to talk about this." His voice is much softer as he reaches out and takes hold of my arms.

"Let me go John. Take your hands off me." He doesn't immediately let go, and I slap him. Hard. I see the red mark rising on his cheek. I've just hit my husband and I'm horrified at myself. I bring a hand up to my mouth and I reach out towards him. "John."

He closes off immediately, hiding his emotions and he turns and is gone. Lost in the crowd almost instantaneously. Tiffany comes up beside me, looking concerned.

"Did you just hit him?" Tiffany grabs my arm. "What's going on Susan? Did you hit John?"

"I told him to let me go and he didn't. We were arguing and it got out of hand. He's drunk and he's high, he's out of control, but I didn't mean to do that, I lost it with him. Where did he go? I need to find him." My eyes are searching for him. "He's using Tiffany."

"Did he hurt you?" She is immediately concerned.

"No, he didn't hurt me! I wanted him to not touch me, we were arguing and I didn't want him to touch me." I wipe away a tear that trickles down my face. "He smoked pot for sure, I could smell it on him and you saw him drinking. I don't know if he's taken anything else, he said he hadn't but I don't know if he's lying or not. He wants to talk. Isn't that great, my drug addict husband wants to talk, like that will make it okay that he got drunk and high."

Tiffany sighs impatiently. "He was asking you for help, Susan. What happened today is still bothering him. He had a flashback to a traumatic event, he's not handling it well, even I can see that. We need to find him, right now."

"I know, and we were arguing. Why did I slap him, he wanted to talk to me."

Tiffany's upset and concerned and she grabs my hand pulling me back towards the table. "Susan, he was talking to Jordan. You don't want to hear this but, Jordan told Jim that he gave John a bottle of painkillers for his back, while they were outside. John didn't really want them, but Jordan put them in John's pocket. So, he's drunk and high, and upset, with a bottle of Oxy burning a hole in his pocket. We need to find him and get that bottle of Oxy away from him."

"Oh shit, he gave John Oxy? How many?"

"A full bottle apparently. John was saying his back was bothering him and Jordan offered them up. I'll get Jim and we'll find John and drag him back to the boat if that's what we need to do." She leans in to talk to Jim as I turn, hoping John is still somewhere in the club.

Jim pays the bill and he grabs his jacket. "Okay, let's go find him. What happened?"

I shake my head, I'm outright in tears now. "I'm so stupid. He tried to get me to stop and talk to him and I hit him. I know better than that, he gets defensive really quickly, and right now he's not rational, he's drunk and he's high. Jim, we need to find him."

"I wish he'd told Jordan about the addiction, but then again maybe it wouldn't matter. Jordan has his own issues, and hanging around Trisha has made it worse. Damn it, I wasn't paying attention enough to notice how drunk he was getting. And I didn't notice he was high either.""

"You're not his keeper Jim. Besides, I didn't notice until we were dancing and I could smell it on him."

"No, but you also said he's been under a lot of stress, and today was extra stressful, so we should have been paying more attention. I have been trying to get him to open up, but there's something bothering him. I should have mentioned it to you Susan, I'm sorry. Let's go drag his ass back to the boat, if he's not there already. In fact, Tiff, why don't you check the boat, and Susan and I will look for John." Jim stops and pulls out his cell phone and dials. "Pick up, John, pick up." He looks over at me. "Did he have his phone on him?" He clicks his phone off as John's voice mail picked up.

"Yes, he's been bringing it in case Brooklynn calls him. Brooklynn called him." I look at Jim then at Tiffany. "Try calling him from the boat, he might pick up if he thinks Brooklynn needs him."

She nods and heads toward the marina. Jim beckons to me and we start to walk, looking at every face, but there are a lot of people out during the summer, even late at night. The boardwalk is vibrant and busy, and there are tons of streets. I'm not dressed for this either.

Jim's phone rings. "Hey Tiff. Okay, well it was worth a try, did you leave him a message?" He clicks off his phone. "He's not there, and didn't answer his phone."

We wander as far as we can, and Jim checks a few pubs. Finally we have to call it quits.

"Where is he? Where would he go?" I can hear the desperation in my own voice.

"I don't know Susan, but he has been to Monte Carlo quite a few times, so he knows his way around. We'll find him, and we won't leave until he's safe and on board. Okay?" Jim gives me a hug. "In fact when he cools off he'll probably just come back to the boat. You know he won't just take off somewhere, he won't leave you or the kids. You know that's true."

"I know you won't leave him, but what if something's happened. What if he's hurt or worse? Oxy is so easy to overdose on, and he's been drinking, he's high already, his judgement is gone."

"Hey, stop. He's a big boy, he knows all of this part of his medical training. Relax, try and rest." Jim rubs my shoulders as he leads me back onto the boat. "He'll come home, Susan, let him cool off."

"Yeah, and when he was over medicating after the stabbing, he knew he shouldn't be doing it, but he did. He was at work, higher than a kite, treating patients. You think it can't happen? The addiction over rode his medical training Jim, and he's out of control being drunk and high already. If something happens I'll kill Jordan, I swear I will, giving him a bottle of Oxy?"

"Jordan doesn't know he's an addict. John is going to have to tell him or stay away from him. If he was high, it was for damn sure that he was smoking up with Jordan. Jordan always has drugs of some sort it seems." Jim sighs. "Jordan was trying to get John to get high with him when we were in the Caribbean too, but John just said no and walked away. This time he wasn't quite so strong, I should have known, he's way too stressed out about everything right now.

Tiffany gives me a hug and makes me tea, then I check on the kids. Fortunately Brooklynn is sleeping soundly after talking to John, but if she wakes up and we can't get hold of John, she's going to flip out.

I pick up the phone and dial his cell number, getting his voice mail. "John, it's Susan. Please come back to the boat, I am so sorry. I over reacted and I am really sorry. I love you baby, and we need you, please come home." I hang up and curl up on our bed, crying.

I ache to hold John in my arms, to have him near me. I know I was out of line, totally out of line saying those things about our daughter. He is doing his best to reassure her, and I am flipping out on him about it. He is right, I need to grow up, he didn't cause the issue, he is trying to fix it. I pick up the phone again and dial his number, getting voice mail yet again. "John, please come home. You're right, we both love her and I know you are doing your best to help her, I'm so sorry and I love you so much. I need you, your kids need you, please, please call me so I know you're okay."

I lay down on the bed and cry. I feel like I am awash with tears, that is all I have done tonight. I bury my head in John's pillow, and inhale deeply closing my eyes.

I awake with a start and realize someone's in the room. I cried myself to sleep. "Susan, you're awake." Jim sits on the side of the bed.

"What time is it? Is he okay?" My immediate thought is John. I sit up feeling disoriented.

"It's about 3 am and yes, he's fine, though really upset and incredibly drunk. Tiffany is keeping an eye on him, so just go back to sleep okay? I didn't mean to wake you up, but you can relax, he's okay."

"Where was he? Did he take any of the Oxy?"

"He was just hanging out in Monte Carlo, actually his friend Dave came back with him, said he has never seen John this drunk and wanted to make sure he got back okay. Dave is having a sleep in one of the extra cabins, he was fairly drunk himself. As for the Oxy, John gave me the whole bottle, said he didn't take any. John is passed out, so we'll let him sleep okay?"

"I want to check on him, where is he?"

"He's fine Susan, leave him until morning. Tiffany is keeping an eye on him and will make sure he's still breathing." I look at him in alarm. "That was a joke, sweetie, he has been drunk before, we used to do our share of club hopping in the summers, we know how to take care of each other when one of us has too much. Sleep, you have four kids who will need you tomorrow, not to mention John will be very hung over and totally useless for the next 24 hours."

Jim pats my shoulder and leaves, I know I won't get any more sleep until I see John so I get up and I wipe my eyes. I go to the spare cabin, I know that is where he will be. I open the door quietly, John is in the bed, covered lightly with a blanket and Tiffany is laying beside him fully dressed. She sits up when I come in and puts her finger up to her lips to signal me to be quiet. She slides off the bed and pulls me out the door.

"I need to talk to him, Tiffany. I have so much I need to say to him."

"Not tonight, Susan, he's asleep, Jim and I will keep an eye on him in case he needs something. Don't worry, he'll be okay, we won't let anything happen to him, what he needs right now is sleep. He needs to sober up, he isn't making any sense anyway, you wouldn't be able to have a meaningful conversation."

"I just want to see him, and then I'll go back to our cabin and sleep. I promise."

"He's your husband, not like I have the right to keep you away from him. I'm just thinking of you, honey, you're going to need sleep so you can deal with the twins tomorrow."

I touch her arm and then I go into the cabin, Tiffany waits outside the door. I crawl onto the bed carefully and then lay down beside him. I can smell the alcohol on him, smoke in his hair, but I put my arm over him and cuddle up anyway. "I love you, I'm happy you're back." I whisper this softly against his hair and give him a gentle kiss. "Everything will be okay." I feel like I add this last part more for me than for him, in truth we both will have to forgive each other, but I feel I was more in the wrong than he was. His breathing is deep and even, I know he is fast asleep, so I adjust the blanket over him and leave the room as quietly as I entered.

Tiffany gives me a quick hug. "Get some sleep, Susan, he is going to be out for hours, if he manages to be out of bed by noon it will a miracle." She goes back into the room.

I stumble back to our cabin, I'm so exhausted I can barely think straight. I crawl under the covers and hug his pillow, wishing he was with me. I finally fall asleep and I dream that his arms are around me, that I can feel him, smell him, and I snuggle close. My eyes open slowly, realizing _there is_ a warm body beside me, that maybe I am not dreaming.

He _is_ here. He's asleep, he looks rough, but he's beside me in the bed. I don't want to wake him up but I move closer and put an arm around him gently. I close my eyes, thinking only that I love him and he's here, he came back to me. I drift off for a while longer, then wake up again, something digging into my subconscious. John, starting to stir. I open my eyes and meet his very sleepy chocolate brown eyes.

I reach out and caress his cheek. "I'm sorry baby, I hit you. I should never have done that, I'm sorry." I whisper. "I love you, I'm so sorry about last night, I was being stupid."

"I'm sorry too." His voice is very soft and he closes his eyes as I continue to trail my hand down his face.

"Are you okay? I was worried about you. Where did you go?"

"Nowhere in particular."

I wrap my arms around him and burrow up against him. "I love you so much, why are we fighting, John, I can't live without you in my life, please don't leave me."

"I need to go back to sleep, I feel like crap, I'm still drunk. I can't do this right now."

"There's so much to say." I feel the tears running down my face.

"Stop." He whispers. He rolls over and buries his head in the pillow, giving me a clear message. He's refusing to engage right now, and I have to let it be enough that he is in the same room with me. I can tell he's already half asleep again.

"I love you, and I'm so sorry." I whisper back. I stay where I am and let myself drift back to sleep. I wake up a while later, John is still out cold. I look at the clock and it's after 8am, so I quietly get up and have a quick shower, dressing in the bathroom. I come out and John hasn't even moved, I know he's tired and more than a little hung over.

I go and check on the girls, they are up as are the twins, so we all go out for breakfast. Tiffany and Jim are both on deck, Jim is feeding Riley and they look up as we come out.

I don't get a word out before I notice that Brooklynn is looking around anxiously. "Where is my daddy?"

"He's still sleeping honey. He's not feeling good today."

Brooklynn looks alarmed. "I want my daddy." She whimpers. "He's gone isn't he? He left, he promised he wouldn't leave me. You made him leave me." A large tear dribbles down her cheek.

"No, sweetie, daddy didn't go anywhere. He's in our cabin, he's sleeping."

Before I can say another word she bolts. I'm holding both twins, and I don't know quite what to do. Jim gets up right away. "I'll go and check on her okay? Sit and have some breakfast."

I get the twins into booster seats and Jim reappears, minus Brooklynn. "Is she okay?"

"Yes, she is laying on your bed with John. He's still asleep, but she said she would be quiet and let him rest, so I let her stay for now. She is just reading a book, she doesn't want to leave him. I'll go check on them in a while." He glances at Susie who is eating breakfast happily, she seems to be fine with everything going on. The twins of course are smiling and happy, babbling and giggling as I give them their breakfast.

Once Susie is done eating, I send her to brush her teeth and get dressed and Louisa appears and takes the twins to get them changed. I walk down to the cabin and tiptoe in. Both John and Brooklynn are fast asleep, it is kind of cute actually, the way she is snuggled up to him. I don't have the heart to wake him up, no matter how much I need to talk to him, so I go back out and make myself a small plate of food.

I pick at my breakfast and finally push it away, sipping my coffee. I can't eat, my stomach is in knots and I feel like I am going to break down and cry. He came home, but that doesn't mean he is going to forgive me. What if I am out of chances with him, how can I ever live without him?

The silence around the breakfast area is loaded, but I can't bring myself to say anything, I feel like I have let everyone down, especially John.

Jim disappears for a while, then comes back. "Brooklynn is still asleep, she is still in your room with John. She is like a whole different child this trip." He shakes his head.

"I know, I checked on them earlier. She was so anxious when he wasn't out here for breakfast, she seems to need her daddy 24/7 these days."

Tiffany is watching me closely, she sighs and finally she speaks. "What is going on with you two?"

I shake my head and suddenly I am crying. I totally break down, and she comes over and puts her arms around me. "I said terrible things to him, I hit him, he is going to hate me. My daughter already hates me, she only wants him, all the time. What did I do wrong to make her hate me?"

"She doesn't hate you, she is just going through a rough time. It will pass, but you and John have to stick together through this. John will never hate you either, he loves you. He is hurting right now, he's not in a good place and you two fighting isn't going to help."

"I know, it escalated so quickly. I didn't even realize how upset I was, I was angry with him and I don't really know why."

"It's not too late to fix things, Susan. He said a few things when he got back, he loves you but he is also having a hard time coping with what is going on. He wasn't making a lot of sense, all I know is that he is on edge right now. You need to fix things with him, but it might not be easy."

"I know."

Tiffany looks me in the eye. "I have a problem, and I'm just going to say it. You are my friend, but so is John. I want to help, but I need to clear the air with you."

I wipe my eyes and nod. "What is it?"

"The fact that you hit John. That is a real issue for me. You said he has never hurt you, he's never been physically abusive to you."

"No, I think you know he is not like that, he has never done that, I mean I hit him and he just walked away. That is what he does when he knows he needs to cool down, he walks away."

"Then you better never do it again, Susan."

"I know. I will always regret reacting like that, it came out of nowhere, I got so frustrated, I can't believe I slapped him. I have never done anything like that, it shocked me and it shocked him. I don't even know why, he didn't do anything really, I was just so angry, so so angry with him."

"Why were you angry?"

I inhale shakily. "It's stupid, I am so embarrassed, I can't even tell you. I just want to talk to John when he is feeling better."

Jim snorts. "That could be a while, he was pretty drunk and I bet he's hung over big time. I didn't think he had that much to drink at the club."

Tiffany shook her head. "No, he found another place to drink, he messed up big time, getting high, and then drinking, but he knows he messed up. But he came home, and he is asking for help, Susan. He asked me for help, so once he is awake I'm going to be talking to him. I'm sorry if this upsets you, but he needs someone to talk to, and I am going to be there for him. I wasn't there for him last time, this time I am not letting him down."

I nod. "Okay. He needs someone besides me, obviously we have issues that I have been denying. I lost it so fast last night, and he didn't deserve it, I'm being irrational, I know that, and I want to fix things with him. I love him, so much, I can't lose him."

Dave suddenly appears, looking bleary eyed, but it appears he has showered. He has his backpack slung across his shoulder. "Morning, sorry for crashing here again."

Jim shakes his head. "No problem, Dave, we appreciate you bringing back our drunk doctor last night. We were a bit worried about him, we couldn't get him on his cell phone. Where were you two?"

"Oh, here and there. John seems to know Monte Carlo rather well, he said he spent a bit of time in Europe when he was younger. He showed me some really fantastic clubs."

Jim laughs. "That is quite an understatement. He spent a whole _lot_ of time in Europe, especially France, Italy and Switzerland. We used to do ski trips into the Alps, my dad owns a couple of chalets we would visit when we were teenagers. He also spent quite a bit of time sailing, we did a couple of school related trips, an interactive classroom they call it, those totaled about a year. And his grandparents used to send him on trips every summer to keep him out of trouble. He knows his way around most of the major cities in Europe, he has been to most of the Greek islands too."

Dave has a stunned look on his face, I don't think he realized that John was quite as well traveled and educated as he is. He never flaunts it, I had no idea either until recently. "Well, that explains it. He even has a Euro credit card from some French bank."

"He uses his sister's address in Paris, I have one too, I use my dad's chalet address. You can get them if you have an address."

"I didn't even know he had a sister, he never talks about her." Dave grins. "I am learning a whole lot I didn't know, that is for sure."

"John and Barbie aren't that close, she grew up in Paris. Anyway, thanks for bringing him home last night."

"No problem, he was a lot of fun to hang out with to be honest. He has a whole different side he never showed at work."

I shrug. "Of course he does. At work he has to be a certain way, especially since he is responsible for peoples lives. Weaver is kind of tough, she isn't much fun, you should have been at County when it was Mark, Peter, Doug, Carol, me and John who worked together most of the time. It was much lighter. It's gotten too serious over there."

Dave laughs. "Yeah, Weaver, not my favourite person. Peter? Is that Dr. Benton?"

"Yes. He works with us at Northwestern now, he and John are actually good friends, he is supervising the surgical trauma fellowship that John is doing."

"Really. He was a tough cookie, ole Dr. Pete. Anyway, John is fun to hang out with, never would have guessed, though he and Chen sure gave each other the gears. Always thought there was a little something going on there."

I roll my eyes. "Like that he was the father of her baby?"

Jim and Tiffany look at me quickly. They don't know about the rumour apparently.

Dave grins. "Yeah, so its true?"

I shake my head. "Uh no, it's not true. Did you ever see a picture of Michael?"

"Michael?"

"Jing-Mei's son. His adopted name is Michael Alexander King. One day you should ask Jing-Mei to show you a picture, and you'll see why there is no way in hell the kid is John's. They were never romantically involved, Dave, they're good friends."

"Okay, I guess I will have to take your word for it. I should get out of your way, but before I go I have something for him." He leans down and unzips a pocket of his backpack, then looks at me. He pulls out a wad of Euros. "Can you give this to him?"

I frown. "Why are you giving him money?"

Dave looks a little uncomfortable. "In my drunken state, I kind of let out that I'm broke. He gave me this, said it was a loan and I could pay him back whenever I have the money. Told me I was good for it, I know where he lives, and no rush to pay it back."

I shrug. "Okay, then why are you returning it?"

"It's a lot, and you two are both off work, on holiday, I am sure he needs it."

I can't help but smile. "How much is a lot Dave?"

"Like $2000 Euro. I can't believe he was carrying that much cash."

"So that's about $3000 USD? Keep it, pay him back when you get home. It's fine, Dave." He's holding the money out to me but I push his hands away. "Seriously, he can afford to lend it to you, it won't affect our holiday in the least."

Dave shakes his head. "Still, it's a lot, you have four kids, you must need it."

Jim gives me a sideways glance then jumps in. "Dave, John Carter is far from destitute. I think he is so low key at work that no one really has an idea, but his family is incredibly wealthy. He's a trust fund baby, the kind that everyone jokes was born with a silver spoon? A couple thousand Euros is not a big deal for him, okay?"

Dave looks at me. "Incredibly wealthy? Carter's a millionaire?"

I shrug noncommittally. "He has a lot of money." I laugh slightly. "His name is John Truman Carter III, that didn't give you any hint? The Carter name is on half the buildings in Chicago, Dave. You know the Carter Symphony Hall that is being built? His grandmother is a major contributor and did all the fundraising for that project."

Dave smiles at that. "The 3rd? He's one of _those_ Carters? I just know him as Carter, he never talked much about his family at the hospital, and I was there for about a year. He doesn't act rich, none of you act rich." He looks over at Jim quickly. "Sorry, no offense."

Jim just laughs. "None taken, that is kind of a compliment actually. John is pretty easy going, he likes quality, he likes to live well, but he isn't snobby, that is for sure. Take the money on loan, pay him back when you can, it won't break his bank account by any stretch."

"Thanks, I will do that then. It will really help, I want to go back home soon and try to find a job in the US, but I wasn't sure how I was getting home." He tucks the money back into his bag. "You guys are taking off? Where to next?"

"Genoa, Italy. We are picking up Rachel Greene and then doing a sailing tour of the Italian Islands."

"Right, John mentioned that. I should get going, I have to get back to my ship, it is going to be in Cannes tomorrow. Thanks for everything, say thanks to John for me too. I guess he is still sleeping?"

Jim nods. "I think he is a touch hung over this morning, so we are letting him rest. Thanks again for bringing him back."

"Ah, well, he seemed to know his way home, though he didn't really say why he was out wandering around the streets at 1am by himself. He's okay right?" Dave looks at me with his eyebrows raised.

"He's fine Dave, he just needed a bit of space I think." Jim answers for me. "It's a big boat, but we do have quite a group of people on board. Hey, call John before you head back to the States, if you are going back at the same time as us, you can get a lift. We will probably fly out of Venice, Milan or Rome right around the end of August."

"I'll do that. Thanks Jim."

We say our good byes and he heads down the dock. The crew prepares for us to get underway.

John finally appears a couple hours later, as we are sailing down the coast. He is looking pale and tired, but he has showered and shaved. Brooklynn is attached to his hand. He pours a coffee then sits and Brooklynn is on his lap almost before he gets fully seated. "Sweetie, relax. Be careful okay? My coffee is really hot."

"Sorry daddy." She snuggles up to him on the chair, cuddling her bunny and he puts and arm around her. He looks at me only briefly then stares out over the water. I think he doesn't know what to say after our fight, and here Brooklynn is attached to him, again, and he knows it bothers me. And it shouldn't. He is her father, he was so right, I was acting like he was taking calls from another woman.

"So, feeling rough?" Jim breaks the silence.

"You could say that. I did it to myself so I'll suck it up."

Tiffany gets and and ruffles his hair as she walks by. I watch her go to the bar area and pour a large glass of ice water then shake out a couple tablets and brings them over. She holds them out to John.

John shakes his head. "I can't."

"They are over the counter, for your headache, I think you can survive taking these. Don't be a masochist, John. Just take them, and drink this." She stands there until he takes them and tosses them in his mouth and drinks the water. "All of it, you're dehydrated, John."

He rolls his eyes, then drinks the whole glass of water. "Happy mom?"

Tiffany reaches down and grasps his chin, forcing him to look at her. "John, don't." They look at each other for a long moment, he nods. Tiffany it seems is not afraid to call him out on bad behavior.

She gets him another full glass of water and puts it beside him, and sits back down beside Jim.

"Daddy, I'm hungry." Brooklynn peeks up at John.

"Okay, well, let's get you something to eat. What time is it anyway?"

"11:30, so almost time for lunch. If you can just wait a few minutes, okay sweetie? They will be bringing out lunch." Tiffany smiles at her and she timidly smiles back.

Lunch is served by noon and John fixes a plate for Brooklynn, but he eats very little himself. Tiffany makes him drink extra water and he has quite a bit of coffee, but no more than a couple bites of food.

Brooklynn is still attached to him, but he spends some time with Susie and the twins too. There is a definite gap between us, like we are both afraid to make the first move. I want to hug him, tell him I love him, but he is keeping to his own space.

I am playing with the twins and Riley, I look up and I can see he is watching me. Our eyes meet briefly before Brooklynn and Susie demand his attention. I know he is trying to put on a normal front for the kids, neither of them seem to notice that he has not been his usual self with me. He is with them though, despite the fact I know he is still very tired and not feeling the greatest, he gives them undivided attention.

It is mid-afternoon before John finally is able to disengage Brooklynn, when she finally seems secure enough to let go of him. She goes to play with Susie under Louisa's supervision, and the twins and Riley are down for a nap. Tiffany immediately swoops in and takes his hand. "Let's go for a little walk John."

They disappear somewhere farther up the deck, the last I see is Tiffany put her arm around him and give him a hug. I know they are just talking, but I can't help but feel a bit hurt, he hasn't managed to say more than a couple words to me today. I stare at the spot where I last saw them.

"Susan, quit obsessing." Jim's voice cuts into my thoughts.

I snap my gaze over to Jim. "What?"

"You need to relax and let them talk. I know you have stuff you need to work out, but he was pretty messed up last night. Let Tiff have a few minutes with him, and then I'm sure he will come and talk to you. John loves you. I have never seen him like this with a woman, like he is with you. You are going through a rough patch, but you will get through it if you can trust that he loves you."

"How can he still love me? I was so horrible to him last night."

Jim sighs. "It sounds corny, but real love can truly conquer all. You know Tiffany and I have been through some really rough spots too? But we love each other and we got through it. John and I had some pretty good altercations at some points as well, but he is my oldest friend and we found ways to get over it. Our friendship is even stronger because of it."

"You think this will make us stronger?"

"Yes, I do. It was difficult when I first started dating Tiffany, I was jealous you know? John had been seeing her off and on for a long time, I kind of thought at one point he'd marry her. I was in love with her, which was incredibly awkward, admitting you're in love with your best friend's girlfriend."

"I can imagine, not exactly conducive to friendship." I'm not sure where Jim is going with this.

"No, it really isn't. I won't tell you the whole long story, but in a nutshell, I did something I wasn't proud of, John found out, mainly because Trisha can't keep her trap shut. I lied to him about it, and he was pretty angry I'd felt the need to lie to him. We had it out, and forgave each other. And he's still my best friend, but we know each other much better because we had to deal with our differences."

"So what did you lie about?"

"I'm not so sure you want to hear any details."

I look at Jim with interest. "So was this fight when you were in Caribbean one summer? Maybe over a certain lovely blond that's now your wife?"

Jim laughs. "Oh boy, nothing gets by you does it. Yes, it was, but maybe not exactly what you think. It was more me feeling guilty and trying to hide the fact that she and I had gotten together. And jealousy on my part because he'd dated her not long before she and I became an item. Did you know they were together part of that summer?"

"Yes, I've known for a while, since before I married him anyway. I was jealous to know at first, but really, he and I weren't together at the time and our relationship started more by chance than anything. You and Tiffany were already together, I didn't know any of the history, she was just his friends girlfriend."

Jim nods. "Makes sense, he didn't want to make it a deal I'm sure, and it was over between them by then. I don't want to get into details, if John ever wants to tell you the whole story, I will leave it for him. I guess we both understand the jealousy part of it, they were together and we both know it, yet they continue to be good friends. That is all it is now, though, they're very good friends, they have their little secrets, and it was rough and awkward when I first got together with Tiffany, but we worked it out."

"I know. She loves you a lot, she's told me a couple times that I have let it go. That the two of them will be friends forever, but he loves me and she loves you."

"Right, and I love her and you love him. No need to worry, it's bygones, in the past right? So relax, let them talk and you will have your chance with him. Soon, I'm sure, I can tell he wants to say something to you, but he couldn't get into it, not with your daughter clinging onto him for dear life."

"She has been attached all morning, hasn't she? He's very patient with her."

"Well, she's only six years old. From what I've seen he's great with the kids, totally involved, though I'm not surprised. His parents are absent from his life, and he told me he would never do that to his own kids. He intends to be there for them in a way his parents never were for him."

"I know he will never leave them. He may hate me, and not want to be with me anymore, but he will never leave his children."

"He doesn't hate you. I can guarantee he doesn't. Just give it a chance, okay?"

"There's so much I want to say to him, but I can't find the words."

"What do you want to say to him? What's the _most important_ message you need to give him." Jim sits back.

"I guess I want him to know I love him and I'll do whatever it takes to make this better."

"Well, then maybe you should quit trying to say anything else, and be simple and straightforward. I find when Tiff and have had times like this the best words are 'I'm sorry, I love you, I can't live without you, so let's figure this out.'"

I nod. "Maybe that will work. He's keeping his distance though, I woke up this morning and he was there and I thought it would be okay. Maybe it will be, but he wouldn't talk to me, he just said he couldn't do it right then."

"And he couldn't. He was a mess when he came home, Tiffany wanted him to just sleep it off and not see you until today, but he sobered up enough and said he should go back to your cabin. He didn't want to leave it too long with you thinking, well whatever it was that you were thinking. He said he should be there when you woke up, and in case your daughter was looking for him. That he would sleep."

"He was right, you know. Waking up and finding he had come back to me, that means a lot. Even if he wouldn't talk to me, and I get I was pushing and he wasn't able to talk right away. He said he was still drunk and couldn't do it. But he was there."

Jim nods. "Yes, he came back to you, because he loves you that much."

Tiffany and John finally come back, she sits, but John doesn't. He reaches over and takes my hand, pulling me gently out of the chair. He holds it as we walk up the deck and find ourselves a quiet spot. He turns to face me.

"We have a lot to work out, don't we?"

I nod. "Yes, we do. I love you so much, and I will do whatever I need to fix things. I am so sorry about last night."

"So am I. It was a dumb move, smoking up, then drinking. I know it upset you, I'm sorry and I will try not to let it happen again."

"Try."

"Yes. Try. I'm not perfect, I made a mistake but as you pointed out, I'm an addict. I was doing really well, and then I ran into temptation, I'm under stress and I caved. Dumb yes, but it happened and I'm going to try my best."

I nod. "Okay, I hope if you feel tempted to use you will ask for help."

"I will, that is something Tiff and I talked about, I can go to her or Jim if I need to, while we are on this trip."

"Did you take any of the Oxy?"

He shakes his head. "No. I talked myself out of it, I thought about you and the kids and how I can't do that to my family. I've been promising Brooklynn that I would never leave her on purpose, and I realized that I can't break that promise to her. Or the promises I've made to you, or myself."

"I think you are the one that needs to forgive me, I cannot believe I hit you like that. I lost it, and I don't know why."

He looks at me sadly. "Oh I think you do Susan. I am going to be honest with you, and I want you to be honest with me. I see how Brooklynn has been with you, and I know you're bothered by it." He cuts right to the chase.

I sigh. "Of course I'm bothered by it. She is my baby, the light of my life, I raised her all by myself for 4 years and now she's acting like I'm the enemy."

"And the solution to that is acting like _I'm_ the enemy? Like it or not, she is my daughter too, and that you resent the fact that I have built a bond with her hurts me. This isn't a competition, I'm not trying to cut you out of her life, or take her away. She is anxious and upset, having absolute hysterics sometimes, what am I supposed to do, besides try and reassure her I'm not going anywhere. If she calls me, I'm going to answer. If that bothers you or you feel threatened because I am talking to _our child_ then I just don't even know what the hell is going on in your head."

"I overreacted."

"You think? You lost it on me because I took a phone call from our 6 year old daughter."

I burst into tears. "She told Tiffany I was mean to you and that you were going to divorce me. She is all over you, but she can barely look at me. Why does she hate me?" John pulls me tight against him.

"She doesn't hate you, but we need to find out what is going on in her mind. Maybe she is reacting to the stress we are both under, but she doesn't hate you. She loves you so much, but she is afraid of losing one of us."

"Right, she is afraid of losing _you_ , John. Not me. She is terrified you won't be her daddy anymore. And if she finds out I hit you, she is going to hate me even more."

"Susan, don't, okay? We are not going to talk about that anywhere near the kids. It is something we have to deal with, but we are not going to be discussing anything that happened last night where either Susie or Brooklynn can hear us. We will go somewhere private for that. Do you think _I_ want Brooklynn to know we were fighting? It will only make her more insecure, and based on the other night, we really don't need it. What happened last night isn't something we share with our children."

"No you're right, we have to keep this private, she can't know about any of it. It would be too damaging to her. Bad enough that I did it, but for her to know? It would only make it all worse. I have never done anything like that before, John and I am so mortified that I did that to someone I love so much. What the hell is wrong with me? I don't want to fight with you John, I love you. I know you are just trying to be there for Brooklynn and I was out of line last night. I promise that will never happen again."

John holds me close. "I hope not, Susan, it is something that is not even close to acceptable in a marriage, or any relationship. I know you're sorry, and we are both under stress, and I love you, but I am concerned about what you are really feeling." He takes a deep breath. "Do we need some time apart? I feel like you resent me for some reason right now, and it is not a great feeling."

"You want that? For us to what? Separate? Get a divorce? John, no, please don't do this." I hug him tight and start to cry. "No, baby, please don't leave me, I couldn't bear it. I love you so much, I can't live without you. You are everything to me."

His voice is choked up "I don't want that, but how are we going to be still married even a year from now if you…." He stops and takes a deep halting breath and pulls away from me. "If you can't even accept that I screw up once in a while, and that what you did does not help at all. At all. I had a bottle of Oxy in my pocket, a very full bottle, and it took me hours to talk myself off that ledge. Flipping out about my relationship with our daughter? I can't deal with it, my daughter is having hysterics and my wife is having tantrums, I just can't deal with it. I'm already stressed out with the stuff at work, and Lucy's mom visiting and I have to add on top of that trying to fix my marriage and figure out what is going on with our daughter and why my wife hates me right now. How did we get here? I love you, but I need you to support me and that isn't happening."

"I don't hate you, I love you. We _are not_ separating, or spending time apart, we are going to figure this out. I can't live without you, I was so wrong to say any of those things. I love you so much it hurts when you aren't with me. Last night not knowing where you were, and then you turning to Tiffany instead of me, that was painful. I am happy you are part of your daughter's life, and I don't want to go down that road again, but yes, I was wrong. I should have told you I was pregnant, I should have at least given you the chance to be part of her life from the day she was born. I get it is hard for you, knowing how much you missed out on, and it is hard for her, she is just starting to understand that sometimes parents leave. I know you are trying to be there for her while dealing with a lot of other issues. Us being apart won't fix anything, John, it will just make it worse." I wrap my arms around him and whisper. "Please don't leave me."

He is quiet for a long moment. "So what are we going to do? We need to work together, and right now we are working against each other. I didn't know you felt that way, about my relationship with our daughter. I need to know what you are thinking."

I sigh. "What I'm thinking is my daughter hates me, I don't know what I did wrong, and she loves you more than she loves me. It hurts, and I took it out on you, which is stupid, and wrong on so many levels. You are her daddy, and I guess I should be grateful she is at least connecting and talking to one of her parents. But it still hurts, John, she's my first born baby, and it hurts that she won't let me be there for her like she is letting you be there."

"I don't know what to do. I'm not trying to hurt you or take her away. I would never take her away from you, she needs you too. You know what I think? She is more secure that you will always be there, so she's not panicking about you leaving. She is wound up about dads leaving, and we know it happens all the time. I have just been trying to make her see that all dads don't leave, that she means too much for me to leave her. I've talked to her, I've answered her calls, I'm there every day to see her, I don't know what else I can do. It's tearing me apart inside that she is unsure of my love for her, that she would ever think I _could_ leave her. If you think that you are the only one who is upset about this whole thing, then you would be wrong, so very wrong."

This is a new perspective. Here I am thinking that he is getting all of her love, but obviously there is another side to the situation.

He continues. "Last night when I got back, I was not in a good place, and I couldn't talk to you. Not after everything that was said and done, and I was almost too drunk to function. Jim was waiting up for me to come back, he knew I would eventually. He also knew I needed to talk to talk to someone and Tiffany is one of my oldest friends. I hope you can accept that, I just needed someone to talk to, someone who really knows me. She's not a threat to you, or our marriage. She wants to help, and honestly, I really need it right now."

I hug him tightly. "I know, John, I get it. I don't have a problem with it at all if you talk to her. Please say you are not going to leave me. Please tell me it's going to be okay and that we can work through this. I will do anything I need to do to save our marriage, I love you so much, please, please don't walk away from us, from our family." I can feel the tears on my cheeks, I am terrified that he is going to let go, let go of everything.

"Oh baby, I love you too. I always have, it has just been so hard these past couple of months. We both have so much to work on if we are going to make this marriage last. It would be the hardest thing I've ever done if I had to walk away, and if there is a chance for us, then we should take it. I love you."

I cling to him and cry, I am sobbing so hard I can't even speak.

"It's going to be okay, I'm not leaving, we will get through this." He says softly, almost a whisper, but I hear him. "I need you too. I want to be with you, with our family. Forever and always."


	51. Chapter 51

I wake up, rolling over, my arm hitting empty space, and I realize I am alone in bed. I glance over at the clock and see the digital display reading 2 Am. The room is dark and silent, so he is not in the bathroom, maybe Brooklynn came in to see him and I didn't wake up? I was exhausted by the end of our first day in Genoa.

The adults had virtually no sleep last night, with the whole Monte Carlo drama playing out and on top of that we had to go into Genoa to meet Rachel. She is now on board and snug in her cabin, or so I hope. She is terribly excited about joining our group, and I have to say we are very happy she is with us.

I get out of bed and slip on some sweatpants and a sweatshirt, stealing one of John's large soft ones. I peek in at the kids as I go by, they are all fast asleep, and John is nowhere in sight.

I check the common areas, and he is not there, so I go out on deck. I finally track him down, he is on one of the loungers, smoking. I walk up and sit across from him him.

"Are you okay? I woke up and you were gone."

"Hey sweetie, I'm fine, I just couldn't sleep." He finishes his cigarette and disposes of the butt.

"Why are you smoking?" I try to keep my voice light and non-judgmental, we have had a tough 24 hours. I know that we are on the road to recovery, but we have a long way to go and I don't want to start anything with him. I am going to pick my battles, and him smoking to relax and get some sleep is just not worth fighting over.

John has been sweet and loving since we had our talk, and we have both been trying to let go of a lot of things. He is trying to fix things, and so am I.

He sighs. "I'm kind of stressed out, it helps. I'd rather be smoking than taking drugs or getting drunk. I know you are not a fan, and I will quit again, I just needed something. I can't seem to shut down my mind right now."

I reach over and ruffle his hair. "It's okay. I'm not going to give you a hard time, just don't do it in front of the kids, okay?"

"I won't, I don't really want them to know I'm smoking, I just need to try and relax so I can sleep. It is just a middle of the night thing."

I notice that he has something resting on his knees and I pick it up.

"The diary? I didn't know you had brought it. Have you looked at it?"

He shakes his head slightly. "No, I haven't been able to bring myself to open it. I don't know if I even should, or if I should find out where her mom lives and just send it back to her. These were her very private thoughts, and I can't decide if I should see them. Will it make it better or worse? Is it my business to know?"

"I don't know, it's your call. You knew her, I didn't, but her mom obviously thought you should see it. Do you have any idea what might be in there?"

"Not a clue. But her mom wanting me to read it means there must be stuff about me in here, or she wouldn't hand it over like that. Do I really want or need to know? I don't know her mom well enough to gauge what it is she intended by giving me this."

"Not to hurt you John. She seems to think that you and Lucy were close."

"We were, off and on. We had our moments where we didn't get along, and others where would talk and share quite a lot. There were times I wanted to lock her in a closet, she was so argumentative sometimes, I couldn't get her to shut up and listen."

I laugh slightly. "That reminds me of something Mark said, you and Lucy drove him a bit crazy at times, bickering like an old married couple."

John shakes his head ruefully. "Yeah, I just bet. It was frustrating and interesting working with that girl, in equal measure. She was stubborn, strong willed, but incredibly smart and capable too. She was very gifted with the patients, she really would have been genius in Psych, it is a loss for the medical profession for sure. I wish there was more I could have done for her mom, such a waste of a young life. I know we see it all the time in the ER, but it never fails to make me sad. Reminds me of something Mark said when I first started, 'See, there's two kinds of doctors. The kind that gets rid of their feelings. And the kind that keeps them. If you're going to keep your feelings, you're going to get sick from time to time. That's just how it works'. I guess I'm one that will never get rid of their feelings."

"And it makes you a great doctor. I miss him so much, John, Mark was a great friend."

"And an amazing doctor and a terrific mentor. I miss him too, he had a big influence on the kind of doctor I became, and he left a huge void at County when he died. I miss Lucy too, as much as she drove me insane, I admit she kind of grew on me. Finding out she was gone, that was really hard, she never really had a chance to live."

I reach over and caress his cheek. "I can only imagine."

"Oh, I think you have an idea. You lost Mark, you understand what it is to lose someone close to you. And Chloe, though she may still be alive, she is kind of lost too."

I sigh. "Don't remind me. I try not to think about it too much, I still dread her showing up at some point."

"If she does, we will handle it. Get her help if we can, I think we both understand addiction all to well."

I nod. "So tell me more about Lucy."

"We had some tough cases those last few months before she died, especially Corinna, a little girl whose dad just dumped her and ran. We spent hours trying to find him, and we did, but it was too late for Corinna. That was what the pendant was about, Lucy was very upset after that one, but she had also done so much good that day, and I wanted her to remember the successes, not just the failures. She was losing sight of the big picture, it is easy to get discouraged, I know I did a few times too. You know I was so close to quitting one day, and this guy pulled up in a panic with his wife in labour in the car. That was the first baby I delivered, right there in the backseat, we didn't even have time to get a gurney."

I have to smile at that, I remember talking to him a few times when Benton got to be too much. "Good thing you never gave up, you have become a really good doctor, John. You have saved a lot of people with your quick thinking."

"Yeah, but will I have a career left after this whole thing with Eric, and Rudy? And the whole Keaton rumour thing that is going around? Is there going to be anything for me to go back to? How can I go there and work, with everyone thinking I cheated on you. It feels like this huge part of my life is missing right now. I have tried to stay positive, but it bothers me far more than I have admitted, I'm worried you know?"

"I didn't realize that it was affecting you that much. It will all work out, John, the whole thing with Abby, I think she will see reason at some point, and Rudy, well, at worst they settle with him."

"He doesn't deserve a dime, but I may not have a choice, it might be that or my career. As for Abby, well, I am disappointed and sad. I really did think she was a friend, we got each other through so much, and to have her turn like that? I don't even know how to handle it. I don't think she is a terrible person, just really messed up, but I know I can't trust her."

"I'm sorry, losing a friend can be tough, and honestly, I think that might be more about me than you. She hates me, John."

"I don't know why she would hate you Susan."

"Don't you? Come on, admit it, she is angry because I got in her way. She wanted _you_ , and then I show up, with your daughter, and we got involved, seriously involved. She said it herself, she was pissed off when we went on holidays and I come back with your ring on my finger and you announce we are having another baby. Then you adopted my niece, and you ignored her advice to DNA test Brooklynn. She wanted you to break up with me, John, she still does. I think she is punishing you for being with me."

"You think so? I don't know." He seems so uncertain about this, he just doesn't seem to get how much women like him.

"I know so, John. As for the Keaton rumours, I bet by the time we get back no one will even remember them. Besides, I know you didn't, I trust you, I love you, and it only matters that we know the truth."

"You don't know how good that is to hear, I could never do that to you, I love you too much, and I know it would destroy everything. Still, having people think that I would, or did cheat, it is difficult for me. Like when your friend Rachel was checking up on my phone calls, and she was all suspicious when I offered to work Valentine's, I have tried to earn the respect of our work colleagues, to know I don't have it is hard for me."

He slides his arm around me and pulls me against his chest. I lay comfortably against him, I love that we are talking. It feels like we are really communicating.

"So what else is bothering you?"

He laughs slightly. "You want the full list?"

"Honestly? Yes, I do want the full list. We need to be open and honest with each other, we both know we have things to work on, and this will be a start. I want to know what is bothering you, you can always tell me, how can we help each other through the rough spots if we don't know there's a problem?"

"Fair enough, you are right. Well, work of course, Brooklynn and her meltdowns and how she is acting with you, how you are feeling about it. This damn diary, and whether I should read it or just dump it off the side of the boat. The other night and my stupidity at drinking and using drugs, the blanking out and taking a swing at Jim, and I'm still sad I had to put down my horse. Losing someone I thought was a friend, but has proven to not be. And the biggie, the fact that you and I are having issues because of all these things. Did I leave anything out?"

"Dealing with Rachel and her issues?"

"No, I feel pretty good about what we've done for Rachel. She has been really receptive to everything, and I think she is going to be okay. I am looking forward to having with us on this trip. Oh right, messing up our trip, I'm not happy that we are having all this drama when it should be just fun running around Europe for two months."

"That is quite a list. No wonder you can't sleep. John, don't worry about us. We love each other, we both have been hit with some big stressors in the past couple months, but we can get through this. I know I have not been as supportive as I should be, but that is going to change. I think we both know the whole thing with Brooklynn has made me a little crazy, but I'm over it, I promise."

He sighs. "And I have to finally get over a few things to do with Brooklynn too. I have to admit it still bothers me sometimes, that I missed so much in her life. I want to be over it, but it isn't that easy. Like you are having trouble with the fact she has been more distant with you, I have trouble with not being there when she was a baby. I can't help but feel it is part of why she is so insecure right now, and I have to find a way to get her through it. I feel grateful I have her now, but it still is hard, you know?"

"I know. I'll try to be more sensitive to that okay? I get it, I can't stand that she is distant now, yet you missed out on 4 years of her life. I did that to you, and I regret it, I see you with her, and with the twins and Susie, and know you would have been a great dad to her even back then. I struggled needlessly for four years, too scared to tell you, I was worried about what you would do. You had the power to take her away from me, I don't even delude myself that you could easily have taken her. I was forgetting that you aren't like that, you never were, and you wouldn't take my baby away from me. I know that, John, but I was still scared. I got attached to Susie, and my own sister took her away. It was irrational for me to worry about you taking our child, but I did."

"I may never truly understand, but I can relate in a way. I was scared to reach out and ask for help when I needed it, it was irrational too. In hindsight I know there were a lot of people around me who cared, but at the time I couldn't see it. So, let's try one more time to put it behind us, know that I would never take her away from you. I would never take any of our children away from you, you are a good mother to them. You are a good person, and I know you would never hurt one of our children."

"No, just you. I'm so sorry about last night."

"I'm a big boy, Susan, not a child. I'm not happy about my wife slapping me, but it is not the same thing as taking it out on a child. Not even close, and it's not like I didn't bring some of it on myself. We both made a lot of mistakes last night, and we have to get past them. We have both agreed that this relationship is worth fighting for, that we both want to be in it, and marriage takes work."

"You just walked away though, you shut off and walked away."

"Well, what would you have me do? I was shocked you did it, hurt that you did it, angry, high and drunk. I had to walk away, take some time to cool off. When I walk out like that, it's for a reason. Mostly when it is getting out of control, I need to leave, think, cool off, so I can deal with the situation. I've said it before, sometimes I walk away before we can say something we are going to regret later. I already regret about 90% of what we said to each other, I didn't want to add more fuel to that fire."

"I understand. It is probably best sometimes, but that time I shocked myself so much I just wanted to hug you afterwards. I knew right away that I had made a big mistake, but you disappeared so quickly, like a magician almost. You were there and then you weren't. We looked for you for quite a while, left you messages on your phone, but it was hours before you came back. I really was worried about you, especially when I found out you had a bottle of Oxy."

"I heard the messages, I let them go to voice mail and then listened after, to make sure it wasn't Brooklynn. I didn't want to talk to anyone, Susan, I found a nice cozy bar and drank, I was fairly blitzed by the time I came back."

"Except you did talk to someone. Dave came back with you, do you remember?"

"Yes, I remember. I ran into him at the bar, we both were a little drunk, I bought him a few drinks. We got talking and it reminded me of all the good things I have, and it helped me talk myself down off the ledge so to speak. I just didn't want to have to discuss what happened between us, I wasn't ready. Dave didn't know anything, so I could talk to him without having to get into it. Anyway, I knew from the moment Jordan gave me that bottle that I couldn't give in and take even one. I promised myself to never to down that road again and I have resisted the temptation to use the heavy duty stuff, though I know the pot and the drinking is a problem. I won't drink any more this trip."

"Good, I am glad we are in agreement that you can't drink. And no smoking up with Jordan. I'm glad you ran into someone you know, I think it was good for both of you."

"I think I lent him some money too. He's pretty broke, told him to look me up when he gets home, but if I don't get it back then whatever, it was only a couple thousand."

"I know, he tried to give it back to me this morning. Said he was worried about taking so much money and that it might affect our holiday. We kind of outed you, Dave knows a bit more about you, he knows you are not going to be destitute by lending him a couple thousand Euro."

"You'd think he would have figured that out by the two month trip and the yacht, but he probably doesn't really get how much it costs to charter a yacht for 3 weeks in the middle of the summer. It's fine, I keep it low key at work because I don't want people to treat me differently, but we don't work together anymore."

"It was nice of you to help him out, he seemed a bit embarrassed that he let on how broke he was."

"He didn't ask, I offered, it's not like I can't afford it. If he pays me back great, if not, well, whatever. We worked together for quite a long time, he's in a rough spot, not making much on the cruise ship, worrying about how he was even going to get home. He has a kid at home, no family to speak of that he can call for help, I helped him."

"And Jim told him to call you later if he might want a lift back to Chicago at the end of August."

John smiled at that. "That is just like Jim, any friend of mine becomes a friend of his. He's a good guy."

"He is for sure. I had a nice chat with him earlier, funny but I mostly get into deep conversations with Tiffany, it was interesting that Jim is so supportive of our relationship. Even after what I did, he is still willing to help, like it's important to him that we stay together."

"He likes you a lot Susan, he sees you make me happy, and that I am the happiest I have been in a long time. Despite our issues, I am truly happy with you, with our family and he knows it."

I reach up and give him a kiss. "You are a good person. I know you and Dave were not super close at work, but you really made him welcome."

"He's not a bad guy, he can be a little cocky at times, and the rumour he started about me and Deb was just silly, but he was fun to hang out with. I got to see another side of him."

"Funny, he said the same thing about you. He had fun hanging out last night and he saw a totally new side of John Carter."

"Well, I suppose that is very true, how we are at work is not how we are at home. Even Kerry would shock a lot of people if they saw her at home instead of her hospital persona."

"You never say much about it though."

"Of course not. That is her private at home life. She knows quite a lot about me too, but she never says anything about it at work, because it is private. We both respected that boundary."

"I love you, John." I say this out of the blue, I feel like I can't say it enough right now.

"I love you too. We're going to be okay, right?"

"Yeah we are. We will do whatever we need to, I want to be with you forever and always."

"Me too, baby, forever and always."

We lapse into comfortable silence, then I tip my head up and give him another kiss.

He pulls me closer, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me deeply. We lay there for a while, kissing and enjoying the closeness. I burrow as close to him as I can.

"I'm sorry, I'm a huge emotional basket case, a mess, and I am dragging you down with my sinking ship." His voice is soft.

"No, you're not. You have recognized we need help and that is the first step. I was in denial, I want to save our marriage, things can be so good, but when they go bad we hit bottom faster than I can blink. But I love you, and we can get through this, John."

We cuddle and kiss for a long time afterwards, neither of us willing to move away from the other, even for a moment. We both know how precarious things are, and neither of us is ready to let go.

He brushes the hair back from my eyes, gently then kisses me. "Can we put things behind us for a while, and just try to have a good holiday? I want to spend more time with the kids, there is so much to show you in Italy, I didn't want it to be like this."

"Yes, we can. We did it in Paris, we can do it here too. Except when we get home we don't ignore the problem and think it's all okay. We are going to deal with things and get the help we need. I really don't want to lose you, or our marriage, or our family. We have so much that is good."

"I know we do. I thought I had dealt with things enough, but now I know I need to admit to a few things and I haven't dealt as well as I could have. I love you so much, I really do want to be with you forever."

"I love you too, John. I know I keep saying and doing all the wrong things, but, I love you, no matter what."

I shiver slightly, even wearing John's sweatshirt, cuddling close to his warm body.

"Getting cold? We should go back to bed."

"Yes, it's chilly out here on the water at night."

He pulls me to my feet and we go back to our room. He tucks the diary away and then strips off his sweats and sweater, crawling into bed with me. I cuddle up close and he kisses me again. We end up making love, it is sweet and tender, and I feel complete as I drift off to into a deep sound sleep, wrapped in his arms.

"Daddy, daddy, wake up daddy." Brooklynn's panicked voice cuts into my dreams. She is sobbing uncontrollably. "Please wake up daddy."

"What's wrong sweetie?" His voice is soft and sleepy.

"I had a bad dream."

"Oh honey. Come here." He gives her a hug.

"Can I sleep with you?"

"Sure, baby." He lets her crawl in with us. "Tell me about the bad dream." He tucks her in between us.

Brooklynn looks at me then back at John. "I only want to tell _you_ daddy."

"Why? You know mommy is good at making bad dreams go away too. Remember when I'm at work and you have a bad dream, you always go to mommy."

Brooklynn shakes her head and then whispers. "But mommy made you go away, in my dream she made you leave me."

"Sweetie, that was just a dream, mommy isn't going to make me go away. Why do you think mommy would make me go away?"

"Because Sarah's mommy made her daddy go away and divorce her. She yelled at Sarah's daddy, just like mommy yelled at you, and then her daddy went away and never came back."

"So you think because mommy and I had an argument, that she is going to make me leave?"

"She told you to go away, daddy. And you left, but I wouldn't let you go away. What if I'm not there and mommy tells you to go away again? I don't want you to go."

John sighs. "Brooklynn, we've talked about this. Mommy was upset, yes, but she didn't want me to leave forever. She just needed a little quiet time, and so did I. I would never go away forever, you are my daughter and nothing could ever make me leave you. And mommy would never want me to leave you."

"But you weren't always my daddy, what if you aren't my daddy anymore."

"No honey, I was always your daddy, and I will forever be your daddy. That won't ever change. I love you, I could never go away and not see you again. Don't ever think that I would leave you forever, I won't, okay? You have to forgive mommy and I for scaring you, but it was just a silly little argument, nothing you need to worry about."

"You really won't leave us daddy?"

"I really won't leave you, I love you way too much. Can you give me a big hug?"

She nods and wraps her arms around him. "Okay, now give mommy a big hug too. She misses your hugs, you know that? Mommy won't leave you either."

She hesitates slightly, then hugs me. "Mommy, you won't make my daddy go away, right?"

"No honey, I love daddy too, and I don't want him to go away either. Like daddy said, it was just a silly little argument, and we have forgiven each other for saying things that we didn't mean. Can you forgive me for saying something I should never have said? I don't want you to worry, let's have a fun holiday, we can do all sorts of things all together as a family. You'll see, daddy isn't going anywhere without us."

"Okay mommy, please don't make daddy divorce you."

"I won't baby doll, I want to be married to daddy forever."

"Forever and ever?"

"Yes, forever and ever."

This seems to satisfy her and she cuddles down between us both and closes her eyes. She falls asleep pretty quickly.

"Thank you." I reach across our daughter and take his hand. "I hope that it calms her down."

"Me too, I have said this about a hundred times, but maybe this time she will listen to me. I love you Susan, I'm not going anywhere." He keeps my hand and we fall asleep with our fingers still entwined.


	52. Chapter 52

* * *

I drag my eyes open, I know it is still early but my daughter cannot seem to hold still while she sleeps. She has been tossing and turning all night, I hope one day soon she feels secure enough that we can stop the midnight visits.

I have lost contact with Susan sometime in the night, I was holding tight to her hand when I fell asleep. I still don't know how I deserve her, how she can still be with me after I have messed up so many times. The night in Monte Carlo I thought it was going to be the end for us. That she was finally going to say she didn't really love me and I was way too messed up and she just didn't want to do it anymore. I was surprised by her phone messages, but hopeful too. She could still love me after what I said? What I did? I knew I had to go back to the boat, and I finally got there, a little worse for wear. Jim was waiting for me of course.

"John, where the hell have you been? You know your wife has been worried sick about you?"

"I know, Jim, I messed up. Again. I'm a mess, what can I say?" I remember pulling out the bottle of Oxy from Jordan and handing it to him. "I didn't take any, I promise. But I can't have them with me, so get rid of them please? Does Susan know I have these?"

"Yes, she does, and I will let her know you handed them over. Don't ruin your marriage over this John, she is the best thing that ever happened to you, her and those kids. You have a lot of apologizing to do, but not until you are sober." Jim dragged me to the extra cabin, got my shoes off and last thing I remember is talking to Tiffany. I am not sure what I said, but I woke up hours later in my own bed with my very upset wife.

I know I stumbled into our bed in the early hours, I couldn't bear the thought she would wake up and think I'd left her, or my kids. I knew we both needed to make amends, but I also needed to give her the chance to get out, so I asked if she wanted time apart. I never meant for her to think I wanted a divorce, but she seemed to think that is what I was saying. I guess the only good that came out of it was me realizing that she really did want to be with me. I didn't want to be away from her, I just wanted her to have an out if she'd had enough. But she is still here, and I feel very lucky.

I slide carefully out of bed, hoping not to wake up either Brooklynn or Susan. I tiptoe over to my dresser and dig quietly, finding the small box, and pull out another paper. I don't know if anyone has figured it out yet, about the notes, but I change them daily. Bella is on the bed beside Brooklynn and I quickly put the new message into the collar.

I throw on some clothes and stop briefly to look at the two of them cuddled up in the bed. I have been trying for weeks to get Brooklynn to stop being so hard on Susan, maybe this time it has worked. I love them both so much, it almost hurts some days. I don't think I could survive without my family, Susie and the twins included. They are all like miracles to me, I never thought I would ever find such happiness, but I have. Now if I could just get my act together, and quit screwing things up.

It is only 6 AM but I know I won't get anymore sleep. Might as well let Susan and Brooklynn get a couple more hours. I grab a couple medical journals and wander up on deck.

I am surprised to find Rachel on deck already. She has her laptop and a couple of textbooks spread out on the table.

"Good morning John. It is so beautiful here, I love it already." She jumps up and gives me a warm hug. "Thank you so much for inviting me, it means a lot to be included."

"You are welcome Rach, we are happy that you were able to join us." I hug her back and give her a kiss on the cheek. I meant what I said last night to Susan, I feel good about what we are doing for Rachel. She's a good kid, mixed up, and hurting, but I know with a little direction she will accomplish a lot in her life. I know a lot about getting second chances, and I am determined that I am going to get Rachel on the right track, no matter what it takes.

"Everyone else still asleep?"

"Yes. I tend to be up early on these trips, I find it hard to sleep past 6AM most of the time. I was going to get some coffee, did you want something? We can go find something in the guest kitchen, if you need a snack or a drink before breakfast. It will still be a couple hours before the others are up."

"Sounds great, I could use something to eat. I have actually been getting up early every morning too, I study for a couple hours, then we were spending the days sightseeing in London and the area."

I fix up a coffee and Rachel gets herself a muffin and some juice, then we go sit on deck and watch the sun rising in the sky.

"How was your visit with Elizabeth and Ella?"

"It was really good. Elizabeth and I got along the best we ever have, actually. She has forgiven me for a lot of things, and I'm grateful. She said I have a home with her in Chicago when we go back after the summer, she is going back to work at County for a while. I have to stay in school and get good grades, but that's okay, I really think I want to be a doctor."

"Work hard and you can be. Both your mom and dad accomplished a lot, and you can too. I'll do whatever I can to help you, all you need to do is ask."

"Thanks, John. I think I will take you up on that, in fact it is good timing. I am having a bit of trouble with my Biology and Chemistry."

"Ah, well you are in luck, two of my best subjects. While you are on the boat, why don't we meet in the mornings? If we are both up early anyway? I will catch up on some of my reading and help you with any homework as needed. I have a bit of studying I should do as well. We can keep each other motivated."

"That would be so great, John. Elizabeth was helping me, but I missed our study sessions together. You know how we were meeting by the pool and working together whenever you had the time from work?"

I am touched that she missed our time together. I did too, to be honest. "I missed you too, Rach. So it's a date, we meet 6 AM every weekday morning for school work?"

"Yes. It's definitely a date."

"Did you find a teen group in London?"

"Yes, Elizabeth helped me. Of course now I will be without for a few weeks, so that will be different. You know I was starting to enjoy it? Sounds crazy, but it did make me feel better."

"Well, anytime on this trip if you need to talk, I will be here, and Susan too. Jim and Tiffany don't know about your situation, but they can also be trusted, if you need to talk. They are good people and won't judge, but I will let you decide if you are comfortable opening up to them. But, for sure, pretend I am your group, okay? I won't judge, and I am here to help with anything you need."

"Okay. I have been doing pretty well, but I will remember."

We spend the next couple hours going over some biology and chemistry, Rachel finishes an assignment for each class and submits them for marking through the online drop box.

"I am going to ace these courses if you help me with this stuff. My teachers will be so impressed."

"Happy to help. You are really doing all the work though, I am more like your own private tutor."

"Help with what?" Tiffany appears with a cup of coffee. "You two are up early and busy."

Rachel smiles. "John helped me with some of my homework. Kind of nice to have a couple of doctors to help me when I don't understand some of the concepts. John is great at biology, chemistry, physics and math."

Tiffany nods. "Yes, I am sure it is. John was brilliant in school, he had a pretty high GPA if I remember correctly? You know he used to help me with my homework too? Especially math."

"You went to school with John?"

"Yes, I've known him since we were 13. A long time." She gives me a warm smile.

"Tiffany is pretty smart herself, she has a degree from Brown, Bachelor of Fine Arts. I bet she could help with some subjects even better than I can. She is a gifted writer."

"I don't know there doctor, you are pretty accomplished, and published. I haven't published anything."

"No, but you have written some really great stuff that I think you should submit to a publisher. Have you done anything much lately?"

"No, I have Riley, he keeps me busy. Though I guess that is rather lame on my part, you have 4 kids and you work full time as a doctor, you are studying surgical techniques, you are tutoring our young Rachel here and you still have published quite a few articles in medical journals."

"So maybe you should be joining us in the mornings and spending a couple hours writing. I would be happy to read and edit for you, I have been doing that for Susan as she is working on an article."

"Oh, add on the fact that you have been helping your wife get herself published. You know, it's not a bad idea though, I would have to buy myself a computer though, I didn't bring my laptop."

"You could borrow mine until you locate one, you might have to wait until we hit Naples or Rome. I am mostly reading journal articles and using my texts, so I don't need my computer most mornings."

Tiffany looks at Rachel. "Would you mind if I joined your morning sessions? I think I might need to take John up on his offer to review and edit, and maybe give me some critiques on my writing. I hear he is pretty good."

Rachel smiles at this. "John let me read some of his articles, I think he's a very good writer. Despite all the medical terms, I can understand pretty much what he is saying. I might have him critique some of my creative writing before I submit it for marking." Rachel starts to gather up her books. "I think we are done for this morning, I can't wait to go into town. Tiffany, if you want to join us in the mornings, that would be great. As John said, it keeps us all motivated."

I can see how pleased Tiffany is with the turn of events. She wants to get to know Rachel a bit better, we will be together as a group for about another 6 weeks. She is a very warm caring woman, she doesn't know the details, just that we have taken Rachel under our wings so to speak after she tragically lost her dad to a brain tumour. I know that the two of them will get along well once they get to know each other.

"Thank you Rachel. John, I might take you up on the offer with the laptop for the mornings, until Jim can locate me one. We can look in Genoa, but you're right, it might be Naples or Rome before we can find one."

Everyone else starts to arrive on deck, and we all have breakfast. Brooklynn seems much happier this morning, not quite as anxious as she sees me right away when she comes out. I wonder if she has found her new note, but I don't worry since she happily bounces up and gives me a hug and a kiss. Susie comes by for her morning hugs and Susan gives me a very nice long good morning kiss then hands me my son so I can feed him some breakfast. Everything feels right with the world again.

We spend the day sightseeing in Genoa, Louisa joins us for the day, though Susan, Rachel and I take care of the twins and let her just enjoy the sightseeing. I let Louisa and Rachel go off on their own for a while as well, they get along famously and it gives Louisa someone to sight see with and have a little break from the kids.

I know it is her job to be the nanny, but she has been on duty a lot since we left Chicago, and I want her to be happy with working for us. She is so great with the kids, if we lost her to another family it would be difficult to find anyone as wonderful to replace her.

I enjoy our time as a family, Brooklynn is excited and enjoying herself, Susie is happy and the twins are being angels. They nap contentedly in the stroller for part of the day, and are wide eyed and curious the rest. They truly are beautiful little people, I love being with them.

Late in the afternoon we buy everyone Gelato and get ready to head back to the yacht.

"Susan, why don't you and Tiffany take the kids back, I have something I need to do. Jim, I need your assistance for a few minutes."

"Okay, are you ladies good?"

"Of course, we have Rachel and Louisa to help too, so we are all good."

Brooklynn runs up. "Daddy, where are you going?" I see a glimpse of worry in her eyes.

I whisper in her ear. "We are just getting a little surprise for Tiffany, her birthday is tomorrow, so it's a secret, okay? I promise we will be back soon. You go with mommy. You know she misses spending time with you, so why don't you be a good big sister and help her with the babies. I love you cuddle bug."

She gives me a big hug. "I love you too daddy. Okay, I will be mommy's helper." She seems fine with this and goes over and helps Susan with the stroller. This gets me a lovely smile from my wife, I am a lucky man.

Jim and I head off.

"So John, what's up?'

"Well, since it's Tiffany's birthday tomorrow, I thought perhaps we should do something special. I talked her into writing again."

"You did not! I have been after her forever to get back into it. How did you manage that?"

"She came out and Rach and I were working on her homework, and we are going to be meeting every morning to study. I help her when she needs it and I am working on my surgical stuff and catching up on my journals. Anyway, I told her she should join us, but she didn't bring her laptop. I was going to get her a new one so she has no excuses."

"Brilliant. Though that is kind of an expensive gift, John, maybe I should get it for her."

"I suspect you have already bought her several gifts. Besides, I owe her big time, don't you think? She put up with my drunken ass the other night, I think a laptop is fair repayment. You arranged a cake and everything right?"

"I did. But I bet you bought her a gift already too."

"Susan picked something out for her, yes, but I want to do this, please Jim? She is one of my oldest friends, she has always been there and I want to see her start writing again. She is incredibly talented, she used to love it, she has lots of help with Riley right now, so why not. You know I can afford it."

Jim shrugs. "Okay, fine. Let's go before the stores close."

I know exactly where to find the store, and we pick out a laptop for her, and I add a flash drive so she can back up her work. We stop and I get wrapping paper and a card and Jim picks out a few items he considers essentials for a writer, including a laptop case, a lap desk, paper, and pens. We pick up some party hats for the kids, everything else is all arranged with the crew for tomorrow so we can have a birthday dinner.

Jim and I both pick up flowers for our wives from the small street market on our way back to the boat.

"So everything seems okay with you and Susan now?"

"Yes, she forgave me, and we had a really good talk on deck at about 2AM. I couldn't sleep and she came out and found me. It was one of the best talks in a long time, I admitted how much has been bothering me. That alone made me feel better."

"And you forgave her? Tiffany said Susan really laid into you the other night."

"Which is so not her Jim. I can only imagine what it must be like for her some days, when I do stupid crap like getting high and drunk. But, she has never ever done that before, ever. She is so great with the kids, and I think I brought some of that on myself. We forgave each other, I love her, plain and simple and we are going to work it out. Don't think she is a bad person, she's not, she made a mistake, so did I and we have to put it behind us."

Jim nods. "Tiff was worried. She loves Susan, and has never seen that side before. I love her too, we know she makes you happy, you two are so good together. I was very surprised, but it's a onetime thing, that's fair. We are not going to hold it against her, and we want to see you happy, John. You have a lot to lose, a family, I never thought I would see the day when you had 4 kids, but it suits you."

"Thanks Jim, she felt bad, she was embarrassed that everyone knew what happened. I told her not to worry, we can get through it. I love her more than you can imagine."

"Probably a bit like I love Tiffany?"

"Yeah, probably a lot like you love Tiffany. You two suit each other too, you know? I wish I had seen that so much earlier, I would have ended things with her a lot sooner than I did."

"Let's not get into that, let's just put it all behind us. You have a beautiful, talented and caring wife, 4 gorgeous kids, and you have almost adopted this lovely little Rachel. She is very sweet, I can see she is going to go far, with the right guidance."

"Darn right she is. I've known her since she was a little girl, she would come in to the ER quite a bit to see her dad. Her parents divorced and she ran into trouble, and as you know her dad died just over a year ago from a malignant brain tumor. She needs and deserves a chance to get back on track, and we are giving her that. Susan was really close to Mark too, they worked together for at least a couple years before I got to County."

"That's the guy that was in love with her?"

"That's the guy. He was none too pleased when he found out about us, but you know, he was a great guy overall. He had his faults, but I count him as a great friend and mentor at the end of the day. I miss him, a lot. If I can help his daughter make something of her life, then I will."

"You are a good man, John. Don't you ever forget it. You are lucky to have Susan, but she is equally lucky to have you. It is good to see you happy."

"Thanks Jim, you too. Let's get these flowers to the ladies, and have a good night, we have lots of sightseeing for tomorrow."

We board the boat and we take all the packages to our room. Jim and I get the computer loaded, charged and ready so Tiffany can use right away and we wrap all the gifts. The laptop I make from the whole Carter family, and I include Rachel as well.

I find Susan and give her the flowers.

"They're beautiful, thank you." I am rewarded with a deep kiss. "What is the occasion?"

"Do I need a special occasion to bring my wife flowers? I saw them and thought of you, I love you."

"I love you too honey."

Dinner is relaxed, we are under sail out towards Elba, we will be docking overnight at Porto Ferreira, and then we will spend some time exploring the island tomorrow.

Bed time for the kids goes smoothly, with Louisa's help we get everyone bathed and into their pajamas. We read stories and talk about what we are going to do tomorrow. The girls both are exhausted and fall asleep quickly.

The adults along with Rachel sit on deck and talk, we plan for our day on Elba and retire early.

"See you in the morning Rach, 6 AM right?"

"Yes, 6 AM."

Tiffany pipes up. "I'll be there too!"

Susan laughs as we get to our cabin. "You have a whole study group again. If it wasn't so early I might be tempted to get up and work on my article."

"You would be welcome to join us."

"I am liking my sleep. I'll see if I can get motivated enough, but it will be good for you and Rachel, she responds to you and I think she needs a father type figure in her life."

"Scary, I am actually old enough, I could be her father. Hard to believe, never really thought about it but it's true."

"And I'm old enough to be her mother. I'm older than you remember."

"I know, but it never seems like it. I always forget, we just work together, you know?"

"Yes, I do know. I love you, John, never forget it."

"I love you too."

I wake up again early, it is only 5:30 AM, but today it is just Susan and I in the bed. She is cuddled up close, just the way I like it. It is amazing how close we feel after making love, and last night was incredible. Make up sex with my wife is something worth having the occasional fight for, though I don't want to test the theory too often. Right now things are good, we are making time to talk a bit every day and I want to keep that going. Work through our issues a little at a time, keep things on track and have a good holiday.

I want to make special memories this trip, just like we did when we went to the Caribbean.

I drop a light kiss on her cheek, I don't want to wake her up. She is in the habit of getting up around 8 AM and that is fine with me, she seems to need more sleep than I do.

I dress and grab my books along with my laptop and drop it all off in our assigned study area. I grab a carafe of coffee, juice for Rachel, muffins and cups from the guest kitchen and by the time I get back, both Tiffany and Rachel are there.

"Wow. 5:45 and the gangs all here." I set everything down on one of the tables.

Rachel has her books open and is signing in to her computer. "I was going to do a little writing of my own. I have a creative writing assignment and thought I would base it on our trip, so I need to make notes and I didn't want to take time out of my other subject, so I thought I might spend a few minute every day writing."

Tiffany smiles brightly. "And I couldn't wait to get started."

I hand her my laptop, then lean over and give her a kiss. "Happy Birthday, Tiff."

"Thank you, you remembered!"

"Of course I remembered, are you kidding? I've know you for a long time honey, I would never forget your birthday." I pour and fix her coffee up with cream and give her a muffin.

Rachel looks surprised. "Happy Birthday." I place her glass of juice and muffin off to the side until she gets organized. "Thanks John."

"You are very welcome. I created a guest account for you on my laptop, Tiff, so you can get started."

We spend the next two hours working diligently, Tiffany creating an outline for her writing, Rachel working on her school assignments, and I study a chapter from my surgical text then read several journal articles marking the pages of the ones I think Susan would enjoy or benefit from reading.

"Why are you marking those?" Rachel nibbles on the end of her pen.

"For Susan. I like to read the journals more than she does, so I mark the ones I think she needs to read, or would find interesting."

"Wow that is nice of you."

"Saves a lot of time, she does the same for me if she comes across something she thinks I should read. She has been busy designing a study and working on a research paper, she needs to publish more articles for tenure, I want to help her out with that."

Tiffany looks up. "How about you? Are you trying to get tenure?"

"Yes, and pending the outcome of the investigation, I can apply next spring. I have published enough and brought in enough grant money now to qualify at Northwestern if I want it. Susan is a little behind, so I am trying to help her catch up a bit. She spent 4 years as a single parent, trying to finish residency, I had a few advantages. I was encouraged by some of my mentors to publish early and they reviewed my articles for me starting when I was a surgical intern."

Rachel gathers up her books. "Almost time for breakfast, I am going to put all of this away. Thanks For your help John."

"No problem, Rach." She heads off towards the cabins.

"John, did Ryan call you?"

"No, we've played some phone tag, and I was disappointed he and Angie weren't going to join us this summer. We never connected and then things got crazy. Why?"

"So you don't know?"

"Know what?" I am a bit concerned.

"McKenna has been sick off and on, and they are trying to figure out what is wrong. Jim told Ryan he should have you look at records, since you've done some pediatrics."

"Just a couple rotations, though I am happy to take a look. What do they think is wrong?"

"The doctors in Chicago don't know yet. It has been going on a couple months now, and that is why they didn't come, they can't travel with McKenna. She's only a few months old. They have been trying to get a pediatric specialist to look at things but getting her is harder than getting into Harvard apparently. She is overwhelmed with requests for consultations."

"Who have they been trying to get on the case?"

"Some woman in California, she is one of the top pediatric surgeons in the US. Don't know her name."

"Not Dr. Abby Keaton." What are the odds, if that is who they are trying to get to look at the records, I know she would consult at the very least if I asked her to.

"Might be, she has an incredibly busy practice, apparently she was working in Chicago not long ago, but she left before they could get to her."

"Well, she was in Chicago not long ago, that I know. Damn, I wish Ryan had gotten hold of me, I could help him out with that."

"What, getting hold of this Dr. Keaton?"

"Yes, I know her. Like personally know her, Tiffany, I worked with her at Northwestern a couple months ago on that pediatric surgical rotation. I have all her numbers. If that is who they are trying to get to look at McKenna's records, she would do it as a favour to me."

"Seriously, you know her that well?"

I almost laugh at that comment. You could say I know her pretty damn well, having had an affair with her at County. Of course I don't say that. "I have her direct number."

"No kidding. You should phone Ryan."

"What time is it in Chicago? The middle of the night I bet, like 1 AM? I'll call him in a few hours then."

"No, call him now John. McKenna is really sick."

"Okay." I check for signal on my cell phone, and luckily we are in the marina so I can call out. I speed dial Ryan at home.

"Hello." His voice is muffled and I know I woke him up.

"Ryan, sorry for waking you up in the middle of the night. Tiff just told me about McKenna, did they get hold of the Pediatric Specialist?"

"Is this John?"

"Yes, sorry, Ryan, it's John, who's the specialist you've been trying to get hold of?"

"Just a second." I hear him moving around. "Hey, where are you?"

"Elba Island, it's daytime here, so sorry for the middle of the night call."

"No problem man, uh, yeah, we have been trying to get a consult, but the surgeon is way backed up with cases. I have the name here, Dr. Abby Keaton."

"Shit man, I wish you'd told me, I know her."

"What? You know Dr. Keaton?"

"Yes, I do. I worked with her at County, and at Northwestern. She was just out in Chicago for 6 months and I did a rotation with her. I know her really well actually. I'll call her in the morning. Can you tell me a bit about what is going on with McKenna?"

We spend the next 20 minutes with Ryan reading off some stuff from the doctor, and I make some notes. Tiffany is watching me.

"Go back to sleep Ryan, I'll call if I have any news."

"Thanks John, I appreciate it." I hang up.

"I wish I knew earlier." I scroll through my phone and hit dial. I know it's late, or early might be the better term, but what the heck, it's worth a try.

Tiffany laughs. "Who are you calling?"

"Dr. Keaton."

"In the middle of the night?"

I shrug as I get Abby's voice mail. "Abby, it's John, can you call me back when you get a chance? I'm in Italy so my cell phone, if you can't connect then call our sat phone." I leave her the number and click the phone off.

Jim wanders up sipping his coffee. "What's going on?"

"John didn't know about McKenna. He just made a call to that oh so hard to reach surgeon and left her a message. It's the middle of the night in California."

Just then my cell phone rings, I look at the call display. Abby. I hit answer. "Hi Abby."

Jim and Tiffany both do a double take.

"John, what do I owe the pleasure of a call in the middle of the night?" Her voice is gentle and even as always. She rarely gets upset.

"Sorry about that did I wake you up?" I feel a bit bad, but I also know she is often up early to get ready for surgery. We used to get up early when I was seeing her, and go over the days cases. Peter was always so impressed with my preparedness for the surgeries, little did he know I was going over it all with Abby.

"No, I was prepping for some surgery. You know I like to get up early and be ready. How are you doing?"

"Good, in Italy actually."

"Right, you mentioned that in your message, you have the summer off. Any news on the proceedings at work?"

"No, they aren't going to do anything until September. But we are having a good time, Elba Island is our destination for today." I sip my coffee, I can see Tiffany staring at me.

"Elba, I love that place. I love Italy, I should get you to bring me back a couple bottles of the wine from Elba."

"Which ones did you like?"

"The Aleatico or Moscato were both so good. I love Italian wine, and of course all the balsamic vinegars and the truffle oil. Don't get me started, you wouldn't get your suitcase on the plane." I file her comments in my head, I know what to do as a thank you, I can carry on whatever I want, since we have a private plane when we go home.

"The food and wine is pretty good, I'll give you that." Tiffany has her eyebrows raised. I can almost hear what she is thinking.

"There must have been a reason you called?"

"I was wondering if you would do me a favour. I will owe you one."

"What is it?"

"A good friend of mine, his daughter is pretty ill." I give her a rundown on the findings so far. "Would you be willing to take a look?"

"For you, John? Of course. Have their doctor send me the information. What's the patient's name?"

"McKenna Haag, her parents are Ryan and Angela Haag. Thanks Abby, I owe you big time."

"No you don't, I would do just about anything for you. You still hold a special spot in my heart, and you know it. I'll take a look and see if there is anything I can do, or if not I'll see if I can do the appropriate referral. Just have them put your name on as the referring doctor and I will have my office flag it when it comes in. Take care John, I'll call you once I have an idea, okay? Say hi to Susan and give kisses to those lovely babies."

"Thanks Abby, sorry again for the late night call, get back to your preparations."

"I will. Enjoy your trip John, call me when you get back." I click off the phone and dial Ryan again.

"Ryan, it's John."

"That was quick, must be bad news then."

"No, it's good news. Have your doctor send the information to Dr. Keaton's office, have them make a note that it's a referral from Dr. John Carter, and she'll look at it. She's in surgery this morning, but she promised she would look as soon as she could."

"So a couple weeks then?"

"No, a few hours I would guess, but I don't know her schedule today. She promised me personally she would consult for you, she will do it, don't worry."

"Personally. You called her?"

"Yes, I told you I know her. I left her a message and she called me back right away. She was just getting ready for a surgery, but I spoke with her directly."

"Ha, you're kidding. Our doctor has been trying to get hold of her for weeks and you get her on the phone direct in less than half an hour. You have balls, John."

"No, I just actually know her. Get some sleep, call your doctor in the morning and get the stuff sent out. Tell them to do it today and don't forget the referral note. I gave her your names, but she gets a lot of referrals for consult, so it's super important to put my name on it. Let me know how it goes."

"I owe you man, thanks."

"No problem, I hope McKenna is okay."

Once I hang up Jim and Tiffany are all over me. "Just how in the hell did you get her to call you back that fast?"

"I told you, I know her. I worked with her at County and at Northwestern."

I see the light go on in Tiffany's eyes. "Oh, holy crap, she's the surgeon."

Jim looks at her. "What?"

"The surgeon, the one John dated. Keaton is the surgeon. I'm right, aren't I John? You had a thing with her."

I give her a warning look. "Don't ever repeat that to anyone. I will hunt you down."

Jim laughs. "Ah, well, now we know how he got hold of her so fast. Why she calls him back."

"Don't tell Ryan, okay? Not many people know, and I need to keep it that way."

"Fine, fine, we won't say a word. Does Susan know?"

"Does Susan know what?" Susan appears with her cup of coffee and leans down to give me a kiss.

"About Keaton. Yes she knows, she has for a long time."

"Why are we talking about Keaton?" Susan gives me a look.

"John called her, McKenna has been sick and her doctor has been trying to get a consult from Dr. Keaton's office with no success, so John called her in the middle of the night no less and she called him back in less than 5 minutes. He arranged a consult for McKenna in under half an hour, when McKenna's doctor couldn't even get her on the phone."

"She was up, she is generally up early to go over her notes and stuff when she has surgery. She is generally in the OR by about 6 or 7 AM."

Tiffany smirks. "And just how do you know that?"

"I worked with her Tiff, there is a reason she is the most sought after surgeon in the US, she is damn good at what she does, she leaves nothing to chance. She is well prepared before she ever goes into the OR, she treats babies and children, she takes that pretty seriously."

Jim shakes his head. "Still, I'm impressed she called you back that fast. You barely hung up the phone and she called you."

Susan laughs. "Right, of course she did. Well, she has a soft spot for him that is for sure. She was our pediatrician for the first few weeks after the twins were born too. She made a house call to check on them so we wouldn't have to bring them into the hospital in the middle of flu season."

Tiffany looks at me. "Wow, you were not kidding. You know her that well." She laughs. "Yeah, never mind, I get it."

Susan sits beside me. "Abby says hi by the way." I lean over and give her a good morning kiss. I just want them to stop talking about it, like my wife needs to be reminded about my relationship with Abby Keaton, yet again.

Jim gives Tiffany a long and warm kiss. "Happy birthday, to my lovely wife."

Susan smiles at that. "Happy birthday Tiffany." She gives me a poke. "John."

Tiffany laughs. "Thanks everyone, and don't worry Susan, he already wished me Happy Birthday at about 6AM this morning. He didn't forget."

"No I didn't forget. Let's have breakfast and we can start our tour of the island."


	53. Chapter 53

I wake up and find empty space in the bed beside me. I glance at the clock and it is 7:45 AM. Of course, John promised Rachel he would be up and helping her with her schoolwork every weekday morning. Which is fine, he is an early riser on these trips for the most part, though I wish he would have woken me up, we had a child free night and it is nice to have some morning cuddles with my husband. Maybe on the weekend, I will tell him he needs to sleep in with me on Saturday.

Brooklynn has been much happier, as long as John is around, though yesterday she did come back to the boat without complaint while Jim and John took off into town for something. John had a little short conversation with her, and she agreed quickly, I appreciate the gesture on his part to get Brooklynn to connect with me.

I am sure the side trip in town had something to do with Tiffany and her birthday, and I don't mind at all. Brooklynn was sweet and helpful with the twins, and then when we got back she went to play with Susie.

I have been sneaking looks and the notes in her bunny's collar keep changing, and Bella is still her constant companion. The notes are very short, and cute, and I've noticed that they also sometimes include reminders that mommy loves her too. I think this is kind of sweet, John has been trying really hard to mend the bridge between Brooklynn and I, as well as remind her he is not going anywhere.

I dress and peek in at the kids. The girls are getting dressed and Louisa has the twins under control for now, so I go out and get myself a coffee, then join the group on deck. I hear the name Keaton and I sigh, she is a lovely woman, but I get tired of hearing her name. Silly maybe, since I know it is long over with her and John, but she is such a accomplished and brilliant woman, I feel a little inadequate some days. Of course that is on me, John has made it clear on many occasions that it was never love with Keaton. He respects her and she definitely has a soft spot for him but it was a rebound relationship, sex and companionship as they have both told me outright. She is too ethical to set her sights on a married man, and he says he would never cheat because he knows it would be the end of us and he simply has no desire to be with anyone but me.

I believe it's true too, I can relate, I have no desire to be with any other man than him. Infidelity destroys marriages, and I simply don't want to be without him. I have spent years of my life searching for the right guy, when he has been there all the time.

Then I find out that McKenna, Ryan and Angie's new baby girl has been sick and John called in a favour with Keaton to get her to consult. I immediately feel less stressed about it, I do get tired of hearing the names of my husband's exes, but in this case, I hope she can help. He is not just calling her and idly chatting about his relationship with her, he is calling a big favour for a friend. She really is the best, and I keep my fingers crossed that she can fix the problem.

We all wish Tiffany a Happy Birthday, and then get ready for a trip onto the Island. We have a great day, everyone is in a good mood. John and I take Riley and send Jim and Tiffany off for a few hours on their own, I think Jim has arranged something romantic and fun for them.

"Riley is adorable, I think we need to take him a few more times over the trip. Let Jim and Tiffany have a break."

John smiles at this. "We can, I know I owe them both, they have taken our kids quite a few times now on these trips, when we got married, for our mini honeymoon and for our anniversary night not long ago too."

John buys a few bottles of wine on the island, and before I know it its time to go back to the boat.

"Jim has everything arranged with the crew. A birthday dinner, cake, and of course the presents."

Rachel looks a bit worried. "I don't have anything for Tiffany. I didn't know."

John gives her a quick hug. "It's fine honey, I added your name onto one of our gifts."

"Still, I would like to get her something even little from me. Do you know what she likes?"

John nods. "Of course, I've known her since we were kids. There are some Italian chocolates that she absolutely loves. Let's go find some."

I don't think Rachel knows that John and Tiffany used to be an item, and he discreetly does not mention this. Maybe she will find out at some point, but he doesn't advertise the fact which I appreciate. She is a gorgeous and lovely woman and I wonder if people ever think John is crazy for not marrying her.

We find the chocolates easily, John knows exactly the best place to find them. Rachel gets a nice size box and a card, then we all head back to the boat. The twins and Riley go down for a nap, and John puts two of the bottles of wine in to chill for dinner. Two he puts into his suitcase.

"What are those for?"

"A thank you to Abby for consulting on McKenna. She loves the wine from Elba, so I thought I would bring her a couple bottles. It is a big favour, she is really busy and barely has time to breathe most days, everyone wants her to consult. I know if she could clone herself she would, but she just doesn't have enough time in a day to look at every case."

"I can understand that. I kind of wondered why she wouldn't just look at it when their doctor tried to refer it, but tat makes sense. Kind of like when the ER is stacked up and sometimes you can only manage to deal with the most critical cases."

"Except she gets so many critical cases, even those have to be triaged, and she can't look at each one personally, not when she also has to prepare and perform the surgeries. One surgery can take hours and hours of preparation and time to perform, the aftercare, all of that, she sees the child from start to finish. She fits in as many children as she can, but she can't do it all."

How do you know she likes the wine?"

"Oh, when I was talking to her this morning, I mentioned we were on Elba, and she told me. I thought since we are right here, why not."

"Ah, right." Makes total sense, not like you can easily get the wine in the US. "It was nice of you to do that for Ryan and Angie."

"It's not a big deal, Susan. I know her, I call her all the time for other stuff, I knew she would do it. This is Ryan and Angie, and their baby girl we are talking about, I had to help."

"I know, but still, John, you are pulling a personal favour for your friends. What is going on with McKenna anyway?"

John takes a few minutes and runs it down for me. It could be potentially a serious issue, requiring immediate surgery. Given McKenna is only a couple months old, it is a bit scary. Yet Keaton really is the best, so I hope she can help.

We freshen up for dinner, collect the girls and the three babies who are up from their naps and head up on deck. John brings the presents for Tiffany, all nicely wrapped and ready. We invite Louisa to join us for dinner and cake.

John won't tell me what the extra gift is for Tiffany, he said I'll have to wait and see.

"So you had a nice afternoon with Jim?" Tiffany and I are sitting and having a glass of one of the wines John bought today on Elba.

"I did. It was very sweet and romantic. John told me you are going to keep an eye on Riley tonight?"

"We are, so you don't have to get up in the middle of the night. We'll put him in with the twins so he is nice and close. Same with tomorrow morning, no rush to get up."

"Unless John insists I get up for our study session."

"Nope, he wouldn't dare. I've told him you get tomorrow off and he agreed, you can have a sleep in with Jim."

Everyone joins us and we have a fabulous dinner with cake. Tiffany unwraps her presents, when she gets to the one John bought in Genoa, she jumps up and gives him a huge hug. "I cannot believe you did that, John! This is amazing!"

She pulls out a brand new Mac laptop, which is all charged and ready to go.

"Well, you need to keep writing, so I wanted you to have it before we head out to the islands. You have a lot of talent, I hate to see it wasted."

"You said you didn't think we could find one in Genoa."

"Yeah, I just didn't want you to go buy one, I knew there are a bunch of electronics stores there, it is a decent sized city. I wanted to give you a special gift, you know how I feel about your writing."

"I know. Thank you, John, this is amazing. I should say thank you to the whole family, I see that the gift is from everyone, including Rachel. Thank you. And thank you Rachel for letting me join you and John in the mornings for your study sessions, I am enjoying the company while I write."

"You're welcome. I have to say thank you to everyone for letting me join on the holiday. This is really amazing."

Tiffany finishes opening her gifts, Jim finishes up with a laptop case and some writing supplies, on top of the many other gifts he bestowed upon his wife. She is a lucky woman, you can tell he loves her a whole lot.

We finally all retire to our rooms, everyone is tired from a busy day and we have lots of plans for tomorrow as we are going to sail around the island before we go to Sardinia.

Once we have the kids all settled and we are back in our room, I give John a huge hug and a very passionate kiss.

"Mmmmm, what was that for? Not complaining though."

"Can't I just kiss my husband because I love him?"

"Yes, anytime you like Susan." He pulls me into his arms and kisses me back.

"I know what you're doing" I whisper in his ear.

"You do? What am I doing?" He whispers back.

"I found the secret of Bella."

He pulls back and looks at me. "Don't say anything, it's working so just leave it okay?"

"I wasn't going to, but it's sweet what you are doing. I love you."

"I love you too." He looks at me. "So you haven't found your secret yet?"

"Mine?"

"Have you really looked at your watch, really closely?"

I tilt my head. "I saw the inscription."

"Uh huh, but that's just the surface. I'll leave that with you." He disappears into the bathroom to get ready for bed.

I am curious now, and I go and pull out my watch. I check it over carefully, and to my surprise it has a small secret compartment, and I have my own note. _You are my happily ever after._

I wipe the tear off my cheek. This guy is too much.

I put on one of my sexiest nighties and lay on the bed until he comes out. "I found it, you are a sneaky guy. Thank you, you make me happy too."

"I was wondering if you were going to find it, it's well hidden." I can tell he is noticing my attire and he has a little grin on his face. He drops onto the bed beside me. "Did you lock the door?"

"Uh huh."

"Good." He gives me a very deep and warm kiss. "I love you."

My scrap of lace and silk ends up discarded off the end of the bed, but I really don't mind. John makes love to me and I feel so happy and content cuddled up in his arms.

"You need to sleep in with me on Saturday morning."

"Do I? Okay, any special reason?"

"Mmmhmmm. I'm still convincing you that we don't need time apart."

"You don't need to convince me Susan. I didn't really want time away from you, but I did need to give you an out if you needed it."

"What?" I sit up and look at him. "You thought I needed an out?"

He shrugs. "Maybe. I am sure there are things about my addiction that bother you. I would bet it's not easy being married to someone with as much baggage as I have. I fucked up. I drank, I got high, and we ended up fighting. Even after listening to your messages, I wasn't all that sure you could really forgive me. I am grateful that you have, and we are able to work on our issues together, but I was worried you know? That you would finally have had enough."

"I thought you were saying you needed time away from me. I was worried that what I did and said would finish us. I love you, and I meant what I have said, many times. I want to be with you forever."

"I know, baby, I know that now. I am sorry for ever doubting it, but I feel like one day I am going to run out of chances with you. I am really trying to get it all together and keep it all together, but some days it seems so impossible."

"I have days like that too, you know? I have had crappy relationships in the past, Div up and left without so much as a word. Brad cheated on me, and before that I screwed up and left Chicago instead of staying with the one guy who actually made me happy. Then I came back and messed it all up again by not being honest. I felt like I had ruined my last chance with you, freaking out because you made a mistake, and I feel like total bitch for being upset you took that phone call. That was a hard one to forgive myself for, I couldn't even admit it to Jim or Tiffany, what kind of mother does that?"

"A stressed out one I guess. One who is dealing with a husband who can't seem to get his life in order. And a 6 year old daughter who is getting hysterical every time that husband leaves the room. I've forgiven you for all of it, so now you just need to forgive yourself. You know, Jim gave me a real lecture when I got back, telling me I better get it together and not ruin the best thing that ever happened to me? Don't worry about what they think, they aren't judging. If you only knew some of the crap the three of us went through at one point, you would not even think twice about it."

"Have you really? Forgiven me? I still can't believe I got so crazy."

"I have, and I hope you have forgiven me too. I love you, and I know we are going to have to work on our marriage every day, but it's worth it. It is so worth it. I have loved you for so long, I can't even remember a time when I didn't."

"When did you start to love me?"

"Almost the first time I saw you. I noticed you right away, but I knew you wouldn't be interested. A beautiful, single, successful doctor, and I was a med student. No way would you be interested."

"How wrong you were, but I think you know what it's like, when you can't act on something because it would be really wrong to do so? The rules are there for a reason, whether we like it or not. We broke them, but I wasn't your direct supervisor, thankfully."

"Oh, I think I can relate to that dilemma. I had to make decisions like that too, and obviously I break the rules more often than I follow them. In your case, I am really glad I did."

"Me too. So, I never want you to tell me we might need time apart ever again, I don't want out, John, I want in. I want us to be together, and take care of our children, to be a family. We have so much to look forward to, every day when we get up, we have our family."

"I know, and that means more than anything else in the world. I know that if tomorrow everything else was gone, and I still have you and the kids, it would be okay. If I ever lose that, then I don't know what I would do."

"Don't worry about that, John. You have us, we love you, we need you. You are doing so much good, everything you are doing for Rachel. How you love and take care of the kids, and what you do for me. I know we both make mistakes sometimes, and if we can forgive each other for being human and not being perfect, then we will be okay."

"I hope so. I'm sorry for making you worry, I'm sorry for making you think that I wanted to leave, if that's what you thought. I need to get out of my own head sometimes, and it's not easy." John takes a deep breath. "I have to confess that maybe I haven't trusted you enough. Like when everything happened in Monte Carlo, I jumped to the assumption that you would leave. The truth is I have a hard time trusting women. It took me a long time to realize this, and I know that isn't fair. I want you to trust me and I am working on trusting you. I love you, and in my heart I know I can trust you, but my mind sometimes overrides that."

"Why do you think you don't trust women?"

"When I was young, I had several experiences that I feel made me less trusting. My mother is a big one. She was never around, after Bobby died, she was gone most of the time, and we still don't have a real relationship. You know how crazy she makes me. If the one woman who is supposed to love you unconditionally can't seem to care enough to ever be there, then can anyone? I only remember her telling me she loved me once, and that was about a year ago, before she walked out and I haven't talked to her since. It makes me believe she didn't even mean it. I never hear from her, she doesn't care in the least that we got married, that she has grandchildren."

I absorb this, and I nod. "I understand. I can kind of relate to that, my mom never says it either. Though I do hear from her and she knows I have children. I don't understand your mother, at all. It seems like she doesn't see your sister much either."

"No, I don't think she does, though she did spend more time with Barbie than with me. If I really am honest, I haven't been able to keep a long term relationship with any woman, aside from you. At most the relationships were a few months, or off and on."

"What about Tiffany?"

"A long term romantic relationship, Susan. She and I no longer have that type of relationship, we are strictly friends and were only off and on even when we did date. My track record is incredibly bad, I guess I don't always know how to handle things. I want us to last, I just don't always know how to make it happen.

"So you've dated lots of women but only for a short time."

"Right. I guess I sort of expect that after a certain amount of time, that a woman is going to leave. See, messed up, right?"

I can't help but pull him in close for a hug. "Not as messed up as you think, John. I worry men are going to cheat, that there is no one I can really trust. But I have learned to trust you. I trust you not to cheat, you have to learn to trust me not to leave. Not on purpose, I won't leave you on purpose, I love you. I don't know what else I can do to prove it, tell me what I can do."

"You are already doing it. You are here with me, you forgive me when I make mistakes, and I wake up in the morning and you are beside me. I can't say it enough, I love you so much. Just keep being here, I don't want to be without you."

"I will be here, because there is nowhere I'd rather be than with you."

I kiss him and we hold each other for a long time. I know it was hard for him to admit these things to me, but I feel like we are moving in the right direction. We are being really honest about our feelings, and now I know that what he said that day was more about his own insecurities but it played on mine. He has a lot to offer a woman, but he just doesn't seem to realize it, maybe because his family seems to place no value on him unless he does what they want.

His mother really doesn't seem to give a damn, she left him alone when he was 11 years old, and has barely been a part of his life since. He has been raised by nannies and in boarding schools, with no real family home life until recently. It is really hitting home how much he missed out on as a kid, his brother dying so young, his parents running off to where ever they go, and his sister growing up on another continent.

I remember thinking he had let Brooklynn and I into his fairy tale life, the mansion and all the financial security, but it really means nothing at the end of the day, his life has been far from the perfect fairy tale. He has so much, but also so little.

I think about his comment that it hurts him that his daughter would ever be unsure of his love and that she would think he could ever leave her. I finally get why he would feel that way, but Brooklynn is a child, she has no idea how he grew up, she has been sheltered from the fact his parents left him at such a young age. I realize he has a strong fear of abandonment himself, and to see his daughter manifesting this much be truly upsetting.

"What else happened to make you not trust women?" The question just pops out, I didn't really even think about it.

He shakes his head. "What?"

"You said you had several experiences that make you less trusting of women. Your mom being one. What else happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it." He shuts off just like that.

"You can tell me, it's okay."

"No, I can't. Leave it alone, okay?"

 _Leave it alone._ His favourite avoidance words, it takes me back to Paris and the visit with his sister. I know I have to stop pushing, and I have to stop now, or I am going to make him shut down completely.

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too."

We make love again, like neither of us can get enough of the emotional and physical closeness we feel when we are together. I watch his face and he watches mine, every touch and caress is gentle and loving, like we are the only two people in the world.

I loop my leg over his hip, holding him close to me, kissing him. We are in the habit of sharing sensual, loving kisses, and cuddling right after the main event, I love that he doesn't just pull away from me. These moments we share are so intimate, and they bond us as much as the sex does.

We are wrapped in each others arms, I caress his cheek with my fingertips and kiss him tenderly. He responds deeply and passionately, I enjoy every moment and the closeness we both feel as I drift off to sleep, he holds me tight.

I wake up hours later and it is still dark. John is spooned up against my back, I can feel his breath warm and even on the back of my neck. His arm over my waist and hand resting on my bare navel. I carefully turn and watch him in the dim light, he looks peaceful, relaxed, the stress seems to have fallen away as he sleeps.

I run my fingers through his hair and give him a kiss. His deep chocolate eyes open sleepily and I kiss him again. "You watching me sleep again?"

I laugh softly. "You caught me. Yes, but just for a moment, then I had to wake you up."

"Mmmm, what do you need, baby?"

"You." I whisper. "I really need you."

Morning comes too soon, I wake up slowly as John gives me soft kisses. "I have to go meet Rachel. It's almost 6 AM."

"Too early, baby, come back to bed."

"I'll sleep in with you tomorrow, it's Saturday tomorrow, and we can have a nice long sleep in together."

"I'll hold you to that."

He kisses me again. "Go back to sleep for a couple hours." I hear the door shut softly as he leaves to meet Rachel. He has promised her he will be there every morning, and he intends to be. She has lost so much, and he has given some of that back to her. Losing Mark left her adrift, and now she has found someone she can rely on, and he doesn't want to lose that connection to her. After our talk, I see how important it is to not only Rachel, but to John as well. The adults in his life weren't reliable when he was a kid or a teenager. He is trying to instill some stability and trust into Rachel and for his own children.

I finally crawl out of bed at just before 8 and have a quick shower. I check and the girls are getting ready, so I head up on deck. Rachel and John are just finishing up the study session, and go to put their books and laptops back in the cabins and Tiffany has just appeared with her coffee.

"Sleep well?" I give her a saucy grin

Tiffany smiles at me and gives a little laugh. "Oh yeah, very well thanks. You?"

"Uh huh." I pour myself a coffee.

"So you and John have kissed and made up? You both seem to be over the whole Monte Carlo thing."

"We're working on it. We have been making up all week."

"I can tell." She gives me an impish smile. "You look very relaxed, almost glowing."

John comes back and pours another coffee and looks at us both. "Okay, what?" He picks up on our demeanor.

"Oh nothing." I sip my coffee just as John's phone rings.

"Hi Abby." He drops into a chair. "You did? And?" He pauses and then smiles. "That is good news." He looks more serious. "Well, I'm glad it's you then. They are on their way out to see you? Please, that would be great. Thanks." He clicks his phone off.

"So? What's the news?"

"Abby thinks she can see the problem, Ryan and Angie are on their way to see her with McKenna for a personal meeting and examination. If it's what Abby thinks, she can fix it, but we will keep that between us until she meets with Ryan and Angie. It's good news, she is willing to do the surgery personally if it's needed. She is going to call me later after she examines McKenna."

Tiffany smiles at that. "Wow, that is good news. So this Abby is good?"

"The best, I've assisted her and she is really great. Ryan and Angie will like her too I bet. Anyway, we should know more later today, but she is taking the case."

Jim appears with Riley. "Who is taking what case?"

"Dr. Keaton is seeing McKenna today and right now things look good. She thinks she knows what the issue is and it should be something she can fix. It means surgery for McKenna, but if it fixes the problem then its a good thing."

Jim nods. "Good to hear. So she'll let us know?"

"Yes, she's going to phone me once she knows for sure. But she is taking McKenna as a patient."

"John, that is great. Ryan and Angie will be thrilled."

Johns phone rings again. "Speak of the devil." He clicks the answer button. "Ryan." He listens for a long moment. "I know Abby just called me, that is great news. Um, Dr. Keaton." He laughs. "Uh, yeah, I call her Abby, she likes the informality with her team." He pauses again. "Yes, her surgical team, I did a couple of surgical rotations with her, one at County and one at Northwestern. I told you I knew her personally...right, I assisted her in the OR...ummm, well no I can't. Well first of all I'm at least 10 hours away by plane and second I have no medical privileges at her hospital. I'm only licensed as an MD in Illinois." John shrugs at me. "Nope, no other States, it takes time to get clearance and licensing in other States." He listens intently. "She's the best, Ryan, and she has a terrific team who does this all the time, she will give you the best advice she can."

Jim frowns. "Everything okay?"

John nods at him. "Let me know how it goes, and don't be scared to ask her questions. She is very good at what she does, but she is also great at explaining things...no need, I just talked to her literally 5 minutes ago. Yes she called me on my cell phone...yes she has all my contact numbers...yes. Okay, good luck and let me know how it goes."

"Is Ryan okay?"

"He's nervous. Asked me if I could go into the OR with McKenna, but I can't, I would never get there in time and I have no privileges at the hospital in California either. Abby will take good care of her though, and she will let us know as soon as there is news."

We have breakfast and spend the day sailing around the island. Later John gets a call from Keaton and they will be taking McKenna in for surgery in the morning.

We head over to Sardinia and spend the next few days exploring there, before we sail off to the next island.


	54. Chapter 54

The next few days go by quickly, Sardinia is beautiful and the weather is hot and perfect. Jim, Tiffany and I have both been before, but it is new to everyone else. We enjoy the food, wine and sights, though I have been good, no drinking aside from a few sips of wine at dinner. Susan seems okay with this, it is a shame not to take advantage to the high quality wines available.

I have promised myself though that I am going to find better ways to deal with things, part of recover from addiction is learning to manage your life without turning to the crutches of drug, alcohol, or other destructive behavior.

I remember my wise friend Carol Hathaway saying 'It will always be something Carter.' And she was so right.

Abby calls me on our first day in Sardinia, I see her name on the call display and answer right away.

"John, how are you?"

"Great, Abby, we are touring Sardinia. How did it go with McKenna?"

"The surgery went well for McKenna, she is on the road to recovery. Ryan and Angie are staying in California until she has her post op checkup, but they should be able to go home in a few days. It was an interesting case, I am glad you called me John. Her parents couldn't say enough nice things about you, you know them well?"

"I went to school with Ryan. I've known him a long time. Thanks Abby, I appreciate you taking good care of them."

"My pleasure John. I told you, I would do pretty much anything for you. Take care and I hope you will call me when you get back. Be good to that beautiful wife of yours, I can see she makes you happy."

"She does. Talk soon." I hang up and fill in everyone on the developments. Shortly after that Ryan calls to thank me and give me an update. He is grateful for my help, and I was glad to give it.

I am also gathering a basket of Italian specialty items which I will get over to Abby once we arrive home from Italy. I will never take for granted the help of my friends, she gave of her time and expertise and could very well have saved McKenna's life.

Susan and I have a couple of 'sleep in' mornings as she calls them, though I have to admit we didn't sleep very much, but no complaints from my end. Spending the morning in bed with my gorgeous wife is not hardship that is for sure. I feel like we are renewing our emotional connection. I meant it when I told her that I forgave her, and I putting my whole soul into our marriage. Without her, I feel I am nothing.

I have to find balance, there are a lot of people looking for my attention and I have to make sure I don't neglect anyone in the process. Right now it seems to be going okay, but of course I don't have work in the mix, assuming I have work to go back to that is. I still get a bit anxious, but I have had a couple emails from Justin and they have the handwriting expert going over the chart, and they should have me cleared. Though he thinks Abby Lockhart is going to face some disciplinary action for the forgery and unauthorized access of medical records. I can't concern myself with that right now though, I have too many of my own problems to deal with.

It is 5 AM Monday morning, and I can't go back to sleep. Lucy's diary has been preying on my mind, and I wonder if I should just read it. Her mom knew her better than I did, and seems to think Lucy would want me to see it. I slide it and the key out of the drawer and take it with me on deck. It is perfectly quiet, I sip some coffee and stare at it for a very long time.

Finally I have the courage to unlock it and flip it open. "Forgive me Luce." I whisper softly as I sit with it open on my lap.

I look at the picture Barbara Knight put in with the diary. I have a feeling she knows a lot about my relationship with Lucy, from the look she gave me when she visited. Am I opening Pandora's Box? I don't know. I run a finger down her face, she really was a beautiful girl and I have to admit I had feelings for her. She was my student, and I should never have been involved as much as I was, but I had true feelings for the girl.

I sigh and look at the first entry.

_Here I am in Chicago, I really wanted San Francisco, but this is where they sent me so I'll make the most of it. It has been a crazy first day in the ER, so busy, I don't know how people handle it. They have assigned me to a Resident. Dr. Carter. At first look I thought holy cow, how am going to be able to work for him. I think I will be just staring nonstop. I don't much like the beard but he has beautiful eyes and he seems pretty well liked. We get off to a bumpy start, he tells me to get an IV started and I have such difficulty that Carol shows me how. He is really grouchy, I don't know why he doesn't like me._

_My mom calls to see how I am settling in as she puts it, I assure her it is all fine and make a big deal about how great everything is. She worked so hard to get me here, I can't tell her I just came home and cried after my first day. I have been trying to cut back on the Ritalin, but I am too stressed out right now. I can't get through the day without it._

She thought I didn't like her. Well, I was annoyed with her, I can't deny I was impatient.

_My first week is at an end. I still haven't had the courage to tell Carter that I can't start an IV, or that I have been getting outside help from numerous sources to get things done. Why am I so scared to ask him for help? I know why, because every time I'm near him my heart starts to thump, my palms sweat and I just want to impress him. I told my mom my Resident is too cute to handle and she just laughed. Her typical, 'Lucy, keep your mind on what you are doing, you are not there to pick up a boyfriend, you are there to work'. Yes mom. I still can't help it though, sparks fly whenever I'm around him. I feel like a teenage girl with her first crush, why can't I focus? He is nicer to me now too, but I feel awful because I don't deserve it, I am just so intimidated by him, afraid that I am going to just blurt out that I love him. Silly right? I've known him a grand total of 7 days and I love him? Crazy, that's me._

_I am so embarrassed, I was with Carol and Carter came in and made a comment about a patient and a carrot. I innocently and naively said 'How did he swallow a whole carrot?' I thought Carter was going to die laughing then he just says 'He didn't swallow.' I wanted the floor to open up and for me to drop through it right then and there. Then he patted my head like I was his little sister. I do not want to be this man's little sister, if only he knew the thoughts going through my head, he would probably not ever talk to me again. The way I felt when he touched me so casually, I wanted to crawl into his arms and stay there forever._

I have to laugh slightly. Oh, I remember that, the carrot. It was amusing, but I had no idea she was that embarrassed by not realizing right away. Carol sure did, but the she has seen all sorts of things in her time in the ER. I miss Carol a lot, her and Doug, they were a lot of fun to work with. Carol was also sweet and compassionate, I still wish I had opened up to her more that day in the exam room.

I bet Carol would have understood, she went through her own moments of despair, she almost ended it. It was close but they saved her and I know she was glad they did. I had my own moments where I wished it would end, the pain, both physical and emotional. I don't know if anyone realizes how close I came to doing just that, I have never been able to admit it out loud. The closest I have ever come is my talk with Susan the day Barbara Knight came to visit.

I wonder if Susan picked up on it, she never said anything if she did, and she doesn't treat me any different. I think she must not realize. I really was in a dark place, haunted by Lucy's face, lying there on the floor. Her terrified eyes begging me to help her, and I couldn't. I don't think I will ever forget.

The nightmares, Lucy, Dennis, watching the paramedic die because of bullets meant for me, seeing Chase lying there and knowing I should have done more. The guilt for not doing more for the people around me, there were points when I didn't feel I deserved to still be here when so many died.

Now, I know I could never put my family through it, I love them too much, but back then I didn't know I had a daughter. My family sure didn't give a damn, and I felt very alone. I can relate to Carol more than anyone will ever know. Now I have so much more than I ever dreamed, Susan, Brooklynn, Susie, Aiden and Hailey. My life savers really, I truly could not live without them.

I know how people looked and treated Carol after she came back, and it took a very long time for people to forget. It happened to me when I came back, everyone knew I'd gone to rehab, that I was a drug addict. It was very hard, feeling like a pariah. Even now they are watching me to screw up, but then I guess I have proven them right, though smoking the pot was the first time I had used drugs since I got clean. Notwithstanding the pain medication when I was shot, but that was carefully controlled and it was not hidden from anyone that I was taking them, so I don't count that in the tally.

Lucy. I rub my hands across my face, she was obviously talking to her mom about all of this? And her mom has read the diary so she knew how Lucy felt. Did she still feel that way when we worked together later?

I almost am scared to read on, but I start the next page. I skim some of it, it is just stuff about people I don't know and seems inconsequential. Until the name hits me.

_Roxanne. He is going out with her, I can't believe it. She's pretty, no doubt and successful and closer to his age. She is always around too. They were in the lounge and I interrupted, she was going to kiss him, but I purposely stayed around so she couldn't get what she wanted from him. Not that it helps really, I am sure she is having sex with him regularly, based on how they act together. Yuck, I cannot stand to think of him being with another woman, I know it makes me more irritable with him, and I argue constantly, I just want him to notice me. Why doesn't he pay attention to me like he does his precious Roxanne?_

There are a few more lines of stuff about things going on with friends from home.

_And now Carter knows, he was furious with me, because I lied to him. He told me if I ever lied to him again that he would end my rotation and fail me. I deserve it, I should have told him I couldn't start an IV and asked for help. Later though he gave me my punishment, he made me practice on the rubber arm, over and over and over. I guess that will teach me, right Carter? I spent a good couple hours crying when I got home, I embarrassed myself in front of him yet again. He was disappointed, and then Roxanne walks in and he is all smiles and happiness. I wish I was her, he is always happy when he sees her, I guess the sex must be really good. I can't believe how bitter I am, but I want to be the one he's with, not her. She is not nearly good enough for him._

_To make it worse, he is the dorm RA. The girls go and knock on his door all the time, just to see him, they make up stuff. They just want him to notice them. Dr. Carter, I got a paper cut, oh no a blister from all that homework. Can you help me with my anatomy? Oh, Dr. Carter, can you take my panties off for me? They are all over him, but he just rebuffs them and sends them on their way. He could be getting laid every 30 seconds, yet he still sticks with his precious Roxanne. I guess I have to respect that, though, he is not sleeping with everything that moves, and he sure could be._

_If he ever takes notice of me, I can be sure he will remain faithful, he doesn't appear to be a cheater, if he has women throwing themselves all over him and he doesn't take advantage of it._

Oh wow, those are quite the comments, and I didn't know she felt like this. The whole time? She was jealous of Roxanne?

_Halloween. What a fiasco. Carter let us have a party, but Weaver dumped a whole pile of research on him and he had to go to the library. So he told me to keep it under control, it was my idea to have the party. I was a little drunk and things got out of hand, by the time he got back there was flaming furniture coming off the balcony. Literally flaming furniture. So he shut us down and that left me and a couple of my fellow students. We were hanging out when we realized that one of the guys was totally unconscious. I had to get him, and call 911, Carter could tell right away that the guy had Od'd and he revived him and went with him to the ER, along with the other guy that was passed out in the shower. I wanted to help but he kicked me out of the trauma room, he was right of course, I was drunk._

_I went home and cried yet again, this guy has such a power over me, and I keep disappointing him. I'm an idiot, he will never be with me, I am just too immature and stupid, I keep doing stupid crap and he just looks at me like I'm a 12 year old._

_I want to go to his room and apologize, make it all better. Who are you kidding Lucy? You want him to take you to bed with him. That will never happen, girl, stop it. He has a girlfriend, women falling all over him, why would he ever want you?_

_Now he's been fired from the RA job, and moving out. He was annoyed with me and kept telling me to go away, but I wanted to help. I drop my backpack on his bed and of course, up pops Roxanne from under the covers. Like I needed to see that in real life, I mean I knew they were sleeping together, but I didn't need to actually see her in his bed. Well, I guess I won't any more, he is moving out. I don't know where he is going to go, he seems rather broke._

_Of course, precious Roxanne jumps in and helps him out. I'm surprised she didn't just offer to take him in, though it seems he did spend a couple nights at her place._

_We had a really funny incident in the ER, two carpet layers got glued together, and Carter got stuck to them. I had to help get him unstuck from one of the patients, so I had to trim his beard. It was kind of fun actually, all that quality time with a grouchy pissed off Carter. NOT!_

_But oh my word, he had to shave off his beard. He came out after he shaved and I think my heart almost stopped and my knees became jelly. I thought he was cute before. He's not cute, he is absolutely gorgeous. His smile makes my heart skip a beat. I told my mom that he had to shave and I wanted to bundle him up and take him home with me. She laughed and told me to calm down. "Lucy, he's your supervisor, you cannot, absolutely cannot, have that kind of relationship with him. And he has a girlfriend, honey, he seems like he is a good person, he didn't get involved with any of those hussy's from the dorm. Yup, my mom said hussy. Good thing no one could hear her, I would have died from embarrassment._

_I don't know if he would like me talking to my mom like this about him. But who else can I tell? My girlfriend Casey is getting tired of hearing it. 'Yeah Luce, I get it, he's hot. But unavailable to you, so move on honey. I know you want to get in his pants, but cool it babe.'_

_It is just not that easy, I have to spend hours and hours with the guy, every day. I was in trouble before, but now I can barely stand being around him. I swear I am going to just grab him and kiss him someday. I wonder what he would say if I did that? Probably get lost little girl._

_Ah, I can dream right? That he would take me in his arms and kiss me back? Tell me I'm the girl of his dreams and he can't live without me? I can just see my mom shaking her head. Don't do it Lucy, that is what she would say._

_He had some good advice though, he told me it wasn't about me. Working in the ER is never about me, it's about the patients. I have noticed that he is a very smart guy, as much as he drives me insane, he is kind of brilliant in his way. Good looking, smart, successful, dirt poor resident, who is actually very compassionate with the patients. That is why I love him, under the grouchy demeanor, I think we are whole lot alike. The other doctors respect him, he kicks ass in a trauma room, I heard he was a surgical intern for a year before he changed specialties. So he used to operate on people. That is a little crazy, but he is my kind of man really, I wish I could marry him and have his babies._

I look up and realize Rachel is standing there watching me. I am not sure what kind of expressions are going across my face but at some points I know I have felt like crying. This diary is in parts funny, remembering being stuck to the glue guys, and the carrot comment, irritating, remembering her lies and arguments, and the Halloween incident, and plain sad. I had no idea she felt like that for so long. I never disliked her, but she did frustrate me to no end.

"I never figured you for someone who would write in a diary." Rachel gives me a cute little grin.

I shut the diary and click the lock shut, pocketing the key. "Yeah, well I don't, it isn't mine."

Rachel frowns. "I am a bit disappointed to know that you are reading someone's diary then. Does this person know? It's not Susan's is it?"

I shake my head. "No, the person doesn't know, but it doesn't matter. I don't know that Susan writes in a diary, but I would never read it without her permission either, she would kick my butt if I did."

"Yes, it does matter. A diary is private, and that you would read it without their knowledge? Whose is it?"

Now I know Rachel has been really curious about my scars, she has seen them numerous times, and I am pretty sure she doesn't know about any of it. I swear there have been several times she almost asked but she chickened out.

I bet Mark would have kept it private, he would not have told Rachel, she was too young at the time it happened for him to share that day with her. I decided quite a while ago that if the time presented itself, that I would tell Rachel some of my story. She knows that I seem to understand a lot of the drug issues, but mostly because of Chase. Maybe now is the time to let her in a bit. I know I keep a lot of myself back at times, and it has been a problem. If I can be more open, and let people in, take the chance, maybe it will do me some good.

I sip my coffee and clear my throat. "Her name was Lucy Knight, she was my med student."

"Lucy Knight? You are reading your med students diary? How could you do that? Isn't she going to be kind of upset?" Rachel takes me to task. I can hear a touch of outrage in her voice.

"No. Lucy's mom gave it to me to read. Lucy died a couple years ago."

Rachel stops and observes me silently for a moment. She is a very intuitive girl and I think she can tell there is a whole lot to this story, and maybe she is going to get some insight.

"I'm sorry. How did she die?"

"She was murdered, stabbed to death actually." I try to keep my voice even, I have repeated the story quite a few times now, but it never gets easier.

I can see Rachel's eyes widen. "Were you close to her?"

"Yes. She was a friend, a colleague, and I supervised her closely for two ER rotations. I was also there the day she died."

"Will you tell me about it?"

I nod and jump right in before I can chicken out of telling her. "It was Valentine's Day, and seemed like any other day in the ER. She took a patient, and I was supervising her that day. The guy was complaining of headaches and seemed altered, so I helped her do a tap to rule out Meningitis or other infections, after all the other tests came up negative. She was spending a lot of time on this guy and I told her to get Malik to sit with her, and she was going to get a Psych consult just in case."

"Malik, I know him."

"Yes, he has been a nurse in the ER a long time. It was a busy day and I was supervising another student as well and also handling my own patients. I told her to get on with her other patients and get Psych in, then got pulled off to help another student with an elderly woman. I ended up having a coffee on the roof and when I came down, I saw that there was still a patient on the board that needed suturing, one I had told Lucy to do quite a long time before." I stop and rub my hands over my face.

Rachel nods silently, and I sigh. I can't stop now, this is a really hard story to tell, but I have to finish.

"Everyone was pretty much out at the admit desk, it had quieted down, they had the music up, having a bit of a party. Your dad had left, he went out for dinner with Elizabeth and your grandfather, and Elizabeth's mom who was visiting from England."

"My grandpa was still alive?"

"He was, I met him a couple time, he was staying with your dad in Chicago by then. Anyway, I went to check up on Lucy, it was strange, the exam room was dark, so I thought she had Psych take the patient, but I saw something on the floor and went to pick it up."

"What was it?"

"A Valentine's Card. Yosh had been handing them out all day." I take another breath. "So next thing I know I feel pain in my back and I reach around to feel what it is and my hand is covered in blood. The guy came up behind me and stabbed me twice in the back with a knife he stole from the lounge." I glance over at Rachel, she is riveted, her eyes twice their normal size. "I collapsed, I tried to call for help, but the music was loud and no one heard me. I ended up on the floor, and looked under the bed, and Lucy was there, on the other side, she was in a pool of blood. Then I passed out."

"What happened then? The guy had stabbed Lucy too?"

"I woke up in the trauma room, it was kind of hazy, I don't remember a lot besides my friend Deb talking to me and looking over, seeing Lucy in the next room. They took me up to surgery and when I woke up, I found out that Lucy didn't make it. She had been stabbed 4 times, and her injuries were very serious. Elizabeth worked on her for hours, but Lucy died of post op complications."

"Elizabeth tried to save her?"

"She did. She is a very talented surgeon, and they got Lucy through initially, but sometimes injuries are too severe to fix."

"So you lived and Lucy died." Rachel looks sad. "You cared about her."

"I did, yes. When you work in the ER, you form some close bonds with your colleagues. It is tough to explain, but you rely on each other, in life and death situations, you develop trust, and deep friendships."

"Like you had with my dad."

"Like Susan and I both had with your dad. He was a friend, a teacher and a mentor to me. I came there right out of med school as a 3rd year student, and he was an incredible person to work with. I miss him a lot, he was a great person, and he loved you so much."

"I know, I loved him too. He gave me some very good advice before he died, I will always remember our time in Hawaii."

"You should treasure that, he didn't want to leave you, but wanted to be remembered well. And he is, he was very loved by his friends and colleagues at work."

"Lucy was loved too, wasn't she?"

"Yes, she was."

"Why did her mom give you her diary?"

"That is what I am trying to find out. Lucy and I grew close, she worked with me a lot, and I guess I was the one she talked about when she called her mom. I saw her mom at the hospital just after Lucy died, she came to visit me. I wasn't able to go to the memorial service, I was still recovering. Then not long ago, she came to see me at home, and gave me the diary. Told me she had finally had the courage to go through Lucy's things and that she wanted me to have the diary."

"You think Lucy would want you to read it?"

"I don't know, Rach. I struggled with that, trying to decide what the right thing to do was. These are her private thoughts, and I am not sure she would want me to know. Yet her mom thinks that I should read it, and she knew Lucy better than I did. They were very close, Lucy was raised by a very strong and independent single mother. She told her mom a lot, I know that for a fact. And she loved and valued her mom, she told me that during one of our many roof conversations."

"Roof conversations?"

"Yeah, at County, the place to go went you want some space is the roof. Though sometimes you don't end up alone up there. It is a great place to talk, Lucy and I had a lot of really great talks up there. Susan and I had some even better talks."

"You love Susan a lot, don't you?"

"Yes, I do."

"So your scars. I have always wanted to ask, but I wasn't sure I should. But they were because you were stabbed?"

"Right. The ones on my back are from the knife, the others from surgery to repair the damage. It took a long time to heal physically and even longer to try and make sense of it emotionally. I've asked myself countless times, why did I live when she died. She had just turned 25, so very, very, young, and she would have been a talented doctor. She cared, and she fought hard for her patients."

Rachel is silent for a while, it is a comfortable silence though. She suddenly jumps up and gives me a very big hug. "I'm so sorry Lucy died, but I am really glad you lived." She whispers against my ear.

This almost brings me to tears. I hug her back, and I have no words.

"Hey you two, sorry I'm late." Tiffany appears with her new laptop. Rachel pulls back and drops back in her chair.

"Good morning Tiffany." Rachel flips open her book, and I realize it is about 6:30 now.

Tiffany gives me a confused look, I am a bit of an emotional mess right now, and it must show. Tiffany comes over and gives me a quick hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Are you okay, John?"

I nod. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just telling Rach about Lucy, it can be a bit emotional, you know?" I want Tiffany to know that she doesn't need to be concerned.

She spots the diary, though. "Are you reading it?" She motions towards the book in my lap.

"I am, it took forever to even open it, and I still don't know why I am reading it, but her mom seemed to think I should."

I pull out Lucy's picture and hand it to Rachel. "This is Lucy, her mom put it with the diary."

Rachel smiles. "She was very pretty, wasn't she? She looks nice, I bet the patients liked her."

"They did like her, a lot." Tiffany takes a look then hand it back to me, and I slide it into the pages. Tiffany gives me a bit of a knowing look. Oh right, she will know just from the picture that Lucy is _my type_. She will suspect as to why I have the diary, and she would probably be correct. Lucy and I had a connection, something I never explored fully, because she was my med student.

I haven't wanted to admit, her mom knows that Lucy and I had something, I wonder if she thinks we might have ended up together. And I am curious as to what Lucy wrote and told her mom about our Exam 6 encounter. I think part of why I haven't wanted to read it is I don't want to know.

I have been avoiding the big question, and I know it. If Lucy had still been alive when she graduated, would we have finally gotten together? She was only a few months away from graduation, but I don't know yet if she still had feelings for me or if she had moved on by the time she died. Would she have wanted to be with me? Maybe that is why I am reading this, to finally know what she was feeling. To feel less haunted by the memory of Lucy?

I just don't know.

Susan appears at about 7:15 AM.

"Wow, everyone is up early this morning." Tiffany comments as Jim appears moments later.

Susan picks up my coffee and takes a sip, then leans down and gives me a kiss, and whispers in my ear. "I missed you when I woke up, thanks for last night."

I pull her in for a hug. "My pleasure, and I really mean that." I whisper back, and she has to smile at that. Out loud I say. "Can I get you a coffee?"

She shakes her head as she commandeers my cup. "Nope, but you might want to get yourself one."

Tiffany starts to laugh, but I have to just shrug and I get up and pour myself a fresh cup. "Anyone else?" I pour a round of coffee and top up the one Susan has in her hand.

Susan is looking pointedly at the diary and I shake my head. I don't want to talk about it anymore right now. Instead I help Rachel do a bit of homework and we clean up shortly before 8AM. I go back to the cabin to put the diary away, and no surprise, Susan is right behind me.

"Are you reading it?"

"Yes. I finally decided that her mom has something she wants me to see. She knew her far better than I did, they didn't have a lot of secrets from each other. So for better or worse, I am going to read it."

"You're okay? You see a bit bothered this morning."

"I told Rachel the story of what happened with Lucy. It was kind of tough, but I did it."

"Did you tell her about the addiction too?"

"Not yet. One thing at a time. There will be a right time and place for that, today was already kind of emotional with reading some of the diary, and then telling her how Lucy died. I need time to process, but at some point I will tell her. I think it will help her as much as me, you know?"

"I agree. Admitting you have a problem to the people close to you is a good start in recovery. It will probably make her feel more open with you too."

"I told her I am her group while we are out here. She was receptive to that, she seems to be doing really well."

"She is a strong girl, I think we can keep her from going the same way as Chloe."

"Me too. Let's go have breakfast and enjoy our day. Love you baby."


	55. Chapter 55

I am loving Italy, and things have smoothed out between John and I. Both our physical and emotional relationship have been truly amazing. I thought I really knew him, but I am finding there are still a lot of things I don't know. He is a deep well, no question.

John has been up early every morning with Rachel and Tiffany, and it seems that a lot of progress has been made on Rachel's school work. She is hoping to have a lot accomplished over the summer, so she can start taking classes at her actual grade level in the fall. If she continues at this pace she might even be ready for early admissions to college by her last year of high school. John has confided to me that he is trying to encourage her in that direction, she is a bright girl and he thinks she can get the GPA required to get into a good school.

I was surprised to find John spent one morning reading Lucy's diary, which turned apparently into a conversation with Rachel about how she died. He is opening up a bit, which I think is something he needs to do more. I think back to the day he flipped out on Jordan, and how hard it was for him to let his feelings out. Too much of his life he has had to repress and hide feelings, his family demanded it of him. I kind of wonder if the damn is finally breaking, and we still might be in for a bit of a bumpy ride? He is going to have to learn to deal with his emotions once he lets them loose. I know in my heart that there is a lot going on inside and he has a ways to go to deal with all of it.

Maybe I do too. I have to admit he was right, there are things that bother me about his addiction. I love him, but he can frustrate me quickly too. Why can't he just resist? I know it's just not that easy, I dealt with Chloe, I know she tried to get clean, but it beat her. The difference is that John is determined not to let it beat him, to be here for his kids, and I love him for it. Neither of us is perfect, and I know that he went through an unimaginable experience, I need to be patient, he has come a long way since that time.

It is interesting, I notice that Rachel is suddenly even more affectionate with John since their conversation. It is kind of sweet actually, I think with the loss of Mark, she connects to the fact that John almost died, and whatever was said between them that morning, she is showing him she cares.

John seems a bit more relaxed too, and I find out while we are getting ready one morning. He has his laptop open while he is waiting for me to finish getting dressed.

"I got an email from Justin, the handwriting expert has submitted all his findings to the medical board, so hopefully those charges will be cleared by the time we go home."

"How's progress on the Rudy thing?"

"They subpoenaed the medical records, for both Rudy and his wife, and it shows that she was experiencing symptoms, and even by her own admission she had no idea that I treated him in the ER. That is was something she found out on her own, though I guess she might be a bit upset you didn't tell her."

"I will explain it to her if I need, let her know we can't just run around telling people stuff like that. For exactly the reasons we are experiencing now, putting our medical careers in jeopardy. I would never want to see your career gone, you have worked far too hard to get where you are, and you asked me to not say anything to her."

"You may just want to say you didn't know. And you really didn't know what the diagnosis was, so it's not a lie. He's upset, she's divorcing him, he got caught with his pants down so to speak. If we're lucky he won't get a dime and maybe he will have learned a lesson."

"Which is?"

"Don't cheat on your wife? No good can ever come of it."

"Ah, words to live by. Just like don't cheat on your husband, nothing good can ever come of that either. Which is why we need to pay attention, right? Keep our love life alive."

He gives me a wink, then pulls me in for a kiss. "I'm trying."

"You're succeeding." I kiss him back. "So what is going to happen to Lockhart?"

"I don't know, it will be up to the Nursing Board I guess. She's in trouble, but I can't worry about it. I have to worry about my medical license. I didn't tell her to forge records, she knew it was wrong, and she tried to hang me out to dry. I heard from Deb, she emailed me and said Lockhart is screaming mad, but is getting very little sympathy from her fellow Nurses. Kerry has told everyone not to talk about it until the investigation is done, but pretty much the entire staff knows I am under review by the medical board because of it. Chuny got wind of it, and Abby has not been exactly discreet, she tried to get people on her side and it backfired."

"Well, I can't be sorry either, I'm firmly on your side." I give him another kiss.

"Thanks, I know you are."

"So, Frank has been out doing a bit of shopping for us." He pulls up a couple pictures. "He has been traveling the country it seems, having a bit of a vacation and catch up with some friends out in the equestrian world. And finding us quite a few horses."

"Wow, horses? He found some?"

"Yes, he found several. These are the horses we are thinking of acquiring. Susie will keep Farah for now. She is still fairly young and perfect for Susie. He pulls up a picture of a beautiful deep brown, almost black horse. "This is for Brooklynn. He's a 10 year old Trakehner, called Galaxy. Frank took him out and said he is a hardworking horse but he has a good temperament, easy to handle. He is going to ride him a few more times but he looks great."

"I have no idea what a Trakehner is but he's pretty. I think Brooklynn will love him, but he's big. Can she ride a horse that big?"

"I hope she likes him. Trakehner's are good for any type of riding disciplines, and as a rule they have great temperaments, though of course this varies from horse to horse. They are a bit bigger than Arabians, but given they tend to be even tempered they are still a good choice. He's not a lot bigger than Marigold, and she handled her just fine. He and Brooklynn can kind of grow together, Frank or I will work him as needed but Brooklynn is quite good already, she's a natural on a horse."

"Taking after her daddy I guess? She fell in love with the horses right away didn't she? Just like she fell in love with you."

He smiles at that. "I fell in love with her right away too. She's a great kid, you did a fantastic job with her." He pulls up another picture. "A Hanoverian mare, she is 7 years old, her name is Sahara, she is English trained but needs some work. She's good tempered, she will work into a great horse. And a second Trakehner gelding, Xander, he's 9 years old. And we are considering two more, a Hanoverian he's 10 as well, Cairo, he is cross western and English trained. A bit of a handful, but I think you might like him. And an Arabian, Zena, 8 years old, very docile, perfect for one of the twins when they are just a bit bigger."

"John, that's like 5 horses."

"I know, but we want to work on them as the kids grow up, the Arabian Zena is hopefully for one of the twins. Cairo is for you to ride since Rachel has been using Aria, and will hopefully still come out in the fall. Galaxy is for Brooklynn, he's trained and ready, Xander we want to work on for Susie to move up to when we need to give Farah over to one of the twins. Sahara is a project for me to work on, I think from what Frank said she is going to be a stellar horse, but she is too young for the kids to manage quite yet, she is still in training. Frank has a buyer for 4 of the polo ponies, the younger ones that really need to have someone to ride them all the time and keep them fit. It is a shame to have them locked up in the stable all the time, or lounging around in the field."

"Millicent won't mind if you sell the polo ponies?"

"No, I already talked to her, she is happy to see us put horses into the stables for the kids to ride. The Foundation will still have 4 polo ponies in the stable to lend for charity events. Our horses will be for personal use only and during the school year the girls ride almost every day anyway."

"I'm surprised she doesn't ride."

"Who Gamma? Well she used to at one point, but now she can't, I worry about the whole balance and fainting issue she has. She can't drive, and she can't ride."

"Right that makes sense. So when are we getting these horses?"

"Once I give Frank the green light he will start having them brought in. It will take some time, and the horses have to get used to each other, but if he starts now they should all be settled in by the time we get home. He will work with them, ride them all, and have them checked out by our vet. Any issues, we have a small window to return the horses, he will put that in all the contracts."

"When are you going to tell the girls?"

"Not sure yet, I will wait and see how Frank feels about everything and wait until the horses are there. It will make it easier when we get home and Marigolds stall won't be empty. We will put maybe Sahara in there. Brooklynn will have something to look forward to, having her own horse. And Susie can look forward to working her skills up to using Xander, he is quite the charmer apparently, though she needs to be just a bit better of a rider before she takes him on."

"Why are we giving Brooklynn one now, but not Susie?"

"We have been watching the girls riding development, Brooklynn has been riding a bit longer and she is more confident and a stronger rider than Susie. Susie is still a bit timid, and Farah is a bit more docile and far more experienced than any of the new horses. We will work on Xander, either Frank or I will ride him and get him a bit more ring experienced, and then when we feel Susie is ready we will move her over. It's about matching the horse and rider properly. Brooklynn lost her ride so to speak, so we were able to find one really good candidate for her, maybe two if Zena turns out to be as mild tempered as Frank thinks. Aria is a good horse, but that leaves us short if anyone else wants to ride. Susie will have another horse when she is ready to handle it. One we have worked with ourselves, gotten familiar with. Susie can get used to Xander, she can spend time around him and form a bond without the pressure of having to ride and control him quite yet."

I nod. I was a bit worried about favouritism for a moment, but now John explains it, it does make sense. Frank has done his homework, and they are keeping the girls safe by matching them each with a horse they can handle based on their skill level. "Okay. You are buying me a horse too?"

"If you like him Cairo will be essentially yours. He's not quite as big as Eclipse, but he is well trained. He has some spirit, but not quite as strong willed as Eclipse. Frank thinks you can handle him, he will be quite a lot like Aria once we work him a bit and get used to him. You can still ride Aria, but if Rachel comes out, I'd rather put her on Aria, I know the horse and you are a more experienced rider. You can't ride Eclipse, and the others are all English broken, so it leaves you without a ride whenever Rachel comes out."

"I've never had my own horse. I'm kind of excited about having my own horse. He's beautiful, thank you."

"You are welcome. Do you like him? If not we can keep looking."

"I don't know John, I can't judge horses, so if Frank thinks he's good, I will trust his judgement. He looks like a nice horse?"

"Fair enough. I will tell him. You can ride him for a while, if he doesn't work for you, then we can work at making Sahara yours, or we can buy a different one for you. Or you can learn English style and ride Zena or Xander for a while."

"Just like that?"

"Of course, I hope we can get out more and I want you to have an animal you connect with. Every horse has it's own personality."

"Right. Do we need another horse for the twins already though? They aren't even a year old."

"No, but Frank likes Zena a lot, and it gives us time to judge her. If we find we don't like her we have time to get another one and work with the horse. Do you really want us to buy a horse and put a 3 year old on them right away? Two years of work on a horse is not much in the big picture, it takes time for them to get experience, and Zena should be ready by the time they are 3."

"You are going to teach them to ride when they are 3?"

"Sure, I was 3 when I started riding. At 3 it is more getting them used to sitting on and being around a horse, the lessons aren't serious, we develop their balance and start teaching safety around the animals. They ride on a lunge line with full supervision, or we double them with an adult on the horse. Frank or I would take them since we are both confident riders. They are very interested when we have them in the barns, if they continue to be that interested then we get them riding as soon as possible."

"Did you have lessons when you were 3?"

"Just short ones. My grandfather took me on the horses when I was a baby, like I do with the twins. By the time I was 3 they couldn't keep me away from the horses, I would crawl all over them apparently. So they gave me a smaller, older Arabian, and I learned how to ride. I loved it, and I hope all the kids do to. If they don't then fine, they can do something else."

"Did Bobby learn too?"

"He did, but he was never as keen on the horses, it was Chase who I used to go out riding with the most. We also got in trouble a few times for playing with the polo ponies, my grandmother almost had a heart attack a few times at how we would ride those horses, lucky neither of us got seriously hurt. We were fearless around the horses, maybe a bit too fearless sometimes."

"So we need to watch the kids then, so they don't become too fearless? I think our twins might be a handful."

"I think so, they are already starting to try and walk, by the time we go home we might be running after them."

"I notice that Riley is trying to keep up too, so we might be running after 3 babies soon. Good thing we have lots of adults to keep an eye on them, especially while we are on the boat." I finish fixing my hair. "Speaking of babies, Rachel emailed me, she is doing well, I guess she will have quite the little bump by the time we get home, she should be somewhere around 20 weeks by then."

"How is everything with Mike?"

"Oh the usual, he is upset about the divorce and having to pay child support. It sounds like he is moving soon, out of state if you can believe it."

"Doesn't much surprise me, Susan. He never wanted a baby, he may have pretended with her before, but he never wanted kids. It was pretty evident from the comments he made to me. If he leaves the state then he can get out of taking the kid, he doesn't have to fit them into his weekends."

"You think that is why he is moving away?"

"Probably. Especially if Rachel intends to stay in Chicago and have the baby. She may get him to pay support but don't expect him to be happy about it."

"Then she is probably better off without him. She can do it on her own, I took care of Brooklynn for four years, it wasn't easy by any means, but it can be done. I told her that when she first found out she was pregnant and suspected Mike was cheating. It's easier with two but it can be done alone if you really need to."

John shrugs. "Yes, it obviously can. Hey, we should go, everyone is probably waiting for us." He turns away to pick up his wallet from the dresser, and I realize this is still a sensitive subject for us. I know he is trying, but it is still difficult.

"John, I'm sorry." I whisper this as I wrap my arms around him and lean on his back.

He sighs, then turns, taking me into his arms and he holds me tight, dropping a kiss on my hair. "I know. It's fine, okay? We are going to have a nice day, lots of fun, we don't need to rehash and revisit this every day. I love you, I love our kids. We are here, together, right now. Let's not keep everyone waiting okay?"

"Okay. I love you too." And with that the cloud seems to dissipate. He takes my hand and we join everyone up on deck.

"About time you two got here, we are ready to go. Thought we would have to send a search party." Jim gives John a friendly shove.

"Nope, we are ready." He gives me a smile, I think it is going to be a good day.

It turns out to be a fabulous day, everyone has fun and is ready to go back to the boat, when John stops suddenly and stares at an attractive older man, he is with a stunning dark haired woman. They are canoodling, very clearly romantically involved.

"Shit." He goes to turn away, taking my arm to pull me away, but the older guy catches sight of him.

"John? John Carter?" The older man has a very elegant accent, French I think.

John gives me a little eye roll, but puts a smile on his face and turns. "Phillipe. I didn't know you were in Italy."

I look at Tiffany and Jim, they are exchanging worried glances as John steps over and shakes the guys hand.

"Oh boy." Jim says softly.

"I could say the same to you, John. I heard you were in Paris not too long ago."

"Who is that?" I whisper to Tiffany.

"Phillipe Mancini." I know I must look totally clueless. "Barbie's husband, you know, as in John's brother in law?"

The light dawns, and I feel a little sick. He is cheating on Barbie and John just caught him?

"John, this is Francesca, my work colleague."

John exchanges pleasantries with them and is trying to chat with him, but I can tell he is fuming a bit. Good manners win out and he introduces me.

"Phillipe, this is my wife, Dr. Susan Lewis. And I think you might remember Jim and Tiffany Davis?"

"Enchantee Dr. Lewis. I heard you were lovely, your pictures do not do justice. And of course, I remember Mr. and Mrs. Davis. Who are these lovely children?"

"Brooklynn, Susie, Aiden and Hailey are my children, Riley is Jim and Tiffany's son, and this a daughter of a very good friend, Rachel Greene. We are touring Italy for the summer."

"Ah, your children are beautiful, John. Where are you staying?"

"We have a yacht charter, the Valhalla, so we are in the harbour."

"Oh, well, so am I, we have our yacht moored there. I am having a dinner party tonight, you should attend, with your lovely wife and the Davis's, and the lovely Rachel would be welcome to attend as well, there will be a few young people her age. Barbara is here too."

John goes to say something, but Tiffany jumps in. "Phillipe, that is very kind of you. What time should we arrive?"

He smiles charmingly. "You are family, so please, come around 7 PM. Solange is the name of our yacht, we have upgraded since the last time you were on our boat, but it looks similar."

He nods. "Thanks Phillipe, we will see you around 7 then."

"Until then." He nods and we gather everyone up.

John is glaring at Tiffany. "Why the hell didn't you make an excuse. You really want to go to Phillipe's dinner party?"

"Hell yes. You never know who you are going to see at Phillipe's parties. Come on John, do it for me, and for Susan. She has to experience it at least once in her life."

I feel a little confused. "What is so special about Phillipe's dinner parties?"

"Oh you'll see." Tiffany grins. "Rachel, did you bring any formal wear?"

Rachel frowns. "No, I have a couple summer dresses, but nothing really formal."

Tiffany gestures to John. "Hand it over, John."

He rolls his eyes and pulls out his wallet, handing me his Euro credit card. "You should probably buy yourself something too, Susan. Rach, listen to Tiffany, she will find you something great, same with you Susan." He flips through his wallet and I see a wad of Euros, then looks at Jim. "I have a tux, do you?"

Jim nods. "Yes, I never leave home without one, so much easier than what the ladies have to put up with. We will take the kids back and get them settled. You ladies go and get what you need."

I give the kids hugs and kisses, then we go back towards the shopping district while John and Jim take the kids back towards the harbor.

I can see Rachel's eyes almost pop out of her head as we start to work our way through the designer shops. Tiffany finds a suitable formal dress for her quite quickly, adding on some proper undergarments and shoes, along with a light wrap.

"Perfect." She gives me a couple of dresses to try on as well, and finds herself something, and in less than an hour we all have formal dresses and shoes for an evening out. "No time for the salon, but we can help Rachel with her hair. Between us we probably have some jewellery she can borrow?"

"Yes, I have a couple things in the safe, John insisted I bring some of my diamonds in case I needed them."

We take our garment bags and get back to the boat. John has showered and is half dressed. "Shower is open for you."

"Thanks sweetie." I give him a kiss and proceed to get ready.

By 6:45 the ladies are all ready, I have lent Rachel a diamond pendant and earrings that work with the dress and I am wearing my sapphire set that John bought me when we got married. We arrive on deck to whistles from the two men.

"Wow. You ladies look incredible." Jim gives us a once over. "John, we are going to have to fight the men off our wives tonight."

"No kidding, you all look gorgeous." He gives me a warm kiss, then also gives Rachel a light kiss on the cheek. "You look beautiful Rachel."

"I feel kind of like a fairy princess. Thank you so much for the dress and shoes, I have never worn anything like this before."

"Well, enjoy the evening, you only live once."

I am not quite sure what he means, but I have a feeling I am going to find out very soon. We say goodnight to the girls and we head over to the Solange. I am almost speechless when I see it. You only live once indeed.

"Does Phillipe own this?" I whisper to John.

"Uh huh. He is one of the richest guys in France, though you wouldn't know it from their house. He spends all his money on his fancy toys. And his fancy women."

"So he's a multi millionaire?"

"No, a multi billionaire. He makes my grandmother look destitute. Jim's dad looks like a pauper in comparison."

Rachel is staring at John, then back to the yacht, then back to John. I think she is going to pass out.

"Breathe honey, they are just people, don't worry about it." I squeeze her hand and she nods slightly.

We board and there are no guests yet to speak of, but Phillipe and Barbara greet us quickly.

"John! Susan! You keep showing up in Europe, I hear this time you have all the kids with you!"

She greets Jim and Tiffany warmly, she has met them before and we introduce Rachel. We sit and casually chat for a while, I can't help but glance around at the opulent surroundings. I can see Rachel is taking it all in.

Shortly guest begin to arrive and waiters circulate with trays of hors d'ouevres, and champagne. Rachel takes in a deep breath and leans over to John.

"Is that who I think it is?" She whispers really softly.

He glances over. "Yes, I it's exactly who you think it is." He murmurs back.

I look over to see who she is talking about and I look quickly over at John who just shrugs. Are you kidding me? Helena Bonham Carter? Wait, Carter?

"Is she related?"

John laughs slightly then shrugs. "I don't honestly know. Perhaps somewhere back along the family tree, I suppose it's possible. Or maybe not."

Phillipe takes Rachel under his wing and starts introducing her to a few of the younger attendees, which appear to be kids of the guests. She is soon chatting to a very cute Italian boy named Marco, who is about her age.

Finally we sit down and have dinner, which is an amazing Italian feast. Decadent is the only word I can think to describe it. John, Jim and Tiffany seem totally relaxed, but I find I am a bit tense, I have never been to such an extravagant dinner party in my entire life.

After dinner everyone mingles and socializes. There must be at least 100 people on board, Barbara makes sure to introduce us to as many people as possible. Helena hears John's last name and makes a joke about them being related, and he starts to chat with her so easily I cannot believe it. There are a few other recognizable celebrities, and a few political types, along with some teenagers who have their own table. Rachel seems to be having such a good time, I am kind of glad we came, though John was not thrilled at the idea.

I am also glad we went shopping and that I have a formal dress, everyone is dressed to the nines and some are just dripping with jewels. I have expensive jewellery, but some of the women I am surprised can even stand upright with that much bling.

The evening winds down, and John has had a chance to visit a bit with Barbara. Fortunately he steers her clear of the touchy subjects and I think she knows better than to get at him during one of their dinner parties.

We head home, after Barbie has wrangled an invitation out of John to come over to our boat in the morning so she can see the kids. I know she still has not met Brooklynn or Susie, so she is keen to visit.

Once we are back in our room, John helps me unclasp my bracelet and necklace, and unzips my dress for me. He gives me soft kisses along my neck before he turns and puts all the jewelry carefully in cases and opens the safe.

"Did you tell her about Francesca?" I take off my earrings then hand him the box to secure.

"No. Not a chance. She knows what her husband does, you notice he wasn't even in the least bit worried, he just introduced her like it was no big deal?"

"Ah, right, he did. He knows you won't say anything."

"He knows I've said things before and Barbara chooses to ignore that he's a philanderer. He will never change, and she accepts that he will forever be running around with other women. That is the marriage she chose, I don't agree and I don't understand, but not really my business." He snaps the safe shut. "Did you have fun?"

"I did actually. Like Tiffany said, you only live once and having that kind of dinner on a yacht while in Italy? It was something to take off my bucket list."

He laughs softly. "Right. Rachel was clearly thrilled with the evening too."

"She was. She got to wear an expensive designer dress, real diamonds, meet celebrities and cute Italian boys."

"She got his number you know. He's from a small village in Tuscany, with his family on vacation."

"Really. Well, I guess the holiday has been a success?"

"It's not even half over yet, I'll get back to you on that. So we are off to Procida next, we leave in the morning, so no rush to get up, we have a bit of sailing to do. Though I have to meet Rach for our study session."

"Mmmm, well, I guess we need to make the most of tonight then."

"I guess we do. You looked really gorgeous tonight, I don't now how I managed to get such a beautiful wonderful woman like you. I almost did have to beat the guys off with a stick."

"You looked pretty good yourself." I wrap my arms around him and give him a deep kiss.


	56. Chapter 56

The sun is just starting to rise, and the crew is up early today, getting ready for our sail to Procida. Everyone is enjoying the tour of the islands, and they are all beautiful, but I am especially excited and anticipating arriving in Capri. I have some special plans for Susan, and I hope she likes them.

I have to admit, last night was fun, though I still don't understand how Barbie can put up with Phillippe and his womanizing. The guy didn't even try to hide the fact that he was having an affair with Francesca, he is so openly cheating it is almost unbelievable. My wife would have my balls if I did something like that, but my sister just pretends like it isn't happening.

Not that I want to be with anyone else, I love Susan, and I have meant every word. I have _never_ cheated on her, never so much as kissed another woman since we have been together. In fact as soon as she came back from Phoenix, I totally stopped seeing other women. I knew I wanted another chance with her, and I was not going to mess it up by having her even think there was another woman in my life. Even when we had our break up, I didn't date anyone else.

Sure, I hung out with Abby and Deb, but Abby and I were still going to meetings back then, and Deb, well, we just hung out as friends like we always did. Turns out Susan did think I was with Abby as more than a friend though, she outright asked me at one point.

Abby _was_ hinting she wanted more in our relationship and when Susan and I broke up. I had at one time hoped I would be with Abby, but she was hung up on Luka. When Abby finally wanted to be with me, I was hung up on Susan, so it never turned into anything.

I clearly remember when Susan finally told me she loved me, and it came as a bit of a shock. She had never said it, ever. We were kind of talking in code, but we both knew it was all about us, and she said she would wait because she loved this guy who was angry with her. I didn't even know what to say to that, I was almost speechless, and I kept what I was feeling under wraps. She didn't _really_ love me, did she? She'd loved me a long time? Just how long? The thoughts were blazing through my mind. I had loved her forever and this was the only indication she had ever given me that she might return the feelings.

I immediately invited her out to the house. Gamma had been after me as she wanted meet Susan properly, after all she was the mother of her great grandchild. They didn't get off to a great start when they met at the hospital, but Gamma was willing to try. I think she knew that Susan meant more to me that I let on, but she was also interested in her great grandchild. Very interested. I am the only surviving son of her first born son, the namesake, and that I have a child is a really big deal to her. A baby Carter is a real event in my family, and me having 4 kids is huge for my grandmother.

The only reason Susan and I were even together that day she finally told me she actually had feelings, was because of Brooklynn. I was trying to be part of my child's life, and I thought that was how it would be. Alternating time with Susan to spend time with the daughter I didn't know I had, I never dreamed that Susan had feelings beyond that of enjoying our physical relationship. She had previously done what I expected from women, for them to leave. When she never wanted to stay the night, I gave up on her. She had always stayed with me the first time we dated, and she left me, when she never wanted to stay the second time I figured she could never be serious about me. I wanted someone in my life, I have always wanted it, but I thought she was going to leave me and I needed to end it before I got in any deeper with her.

It has been almost two years and I have only been with her. I guess you know its true love when you have no desire to even look at another woman. I never thought it would happen, but here I am, more in love with her today than I was when I first met her. We have history, we understand each other, she has accepted me even with all my faults, and she is still here, which is some kind of miracle.

I shake off my musings and carefully open the diary, it is only 5 AM so I have some time to do some reading in private. I find myself wanting answers to so many questions in my head. Is this what Barbara Knight wanted me to know? That her daughter was what? In love with me? Infatuated? I don't even know how to describe it, she only knew me such a short time. I hope there is more to this than just finding out something I kind of already knew. After all, Lucy out right asked me to have sex with her, though I have never told anyone about _that_ conversation.

I scan down the page, quickly reading more about her friends, nothing much of interest until I find the part about the evaluation.

_Carter and I just cannot seem to get along. I started to make some notes, about what I want to say to him, then Carol heard me and thought I was talking to myself in the bathroom. I asked her if I should talk to Carter, and she said to try something not too confrontational, so he wouldn't get defensive. I thought that was a good idea, he does tend to get grouchy even faster when I argue with him. So I invited him for lunch. He said he would see how the day went and I felt a little put out, but then realized it was really busy in the ER, and I guess he has a lot of pressure on him to clear patients. He can't just go out for a two hour lunch because I need to talk to the guy._

_Then he wouldn't listen to me about a patient and got irate because he diagnosed without letting me finish. Why was he in such a bad mood today?_

_To top it off, he listened to my private notes on my palm pilot and boy he did get defensive. I think Carol knows him really well, knew how he would react if I confronted him directly. He didn't want to hear a word I had to say. Told me to fill out my own evaluation since I think he's adversarial, then pulls out my palm pilot and tells me to keep better track of it. How could he do that! Listen to my private notes! Tells me to see how fair and objective I could be and accused me of inviting him to lunch to influence his evaluation. He's infuriating, why is he so damn difficult? So I filled it out and handed it in, just to spite him. That was a huge mistake, Dr. Greene pulled us both into the lounge and Carter was really angry with me. Saying he didn't tell me to hand it in. I just assumed you know? So we end up bickering in front of Dr. Greene who just had to leave the room because I am sure he couldn't stand it. Told us to figure it out. Carter and I just looked at each other for a minute after Dr. Greene walked out._

_I asked him how he could listen to my private messages, and he said it was an accident, Yosh had given it to him to look something up on a patient. He hadn't meant to hear it, didn't want to hear, but he did. So, he just told me to go, and he would do the evaluation, he didn't even want to talk to me about it, he was so….damn stubborn and wouldn't listen._

_Some days I can't stand him. Does that even make sense? Sometimes I just can't be in the same room. He makes me feel like an idiot, and I was embarrassed in front of Dr. Greene. I could tell he was as well, he is working so hard to make Chief Resident, even though he is an R2. He should be an R3 but he had to start over when he switched from surgery and maybe he does know a lot, but he doesn't want to teach me.  
_

_I finally got my evaluation, and I was shocked. It was so completely fair and unbiased, his main comment was that I needed to listen and pay more attention to detail. Maybe he should take his own advice once in a while and listen._

I sigh deeply at that, she was right, sometimes I let my frustration level get the better of me, and she was very frustrating. That was not a good day, but I guess I learned something from it. Ironically, the reason I was in such a bad mood is I had to evaluate Lucy, and I didn't quite know how. I saw flashes of brilliance, but she also had times where she wouldn't shut the hell up. I think I am much better at listening to my students now, something I definitely learned from Lucy.

I flip to the next page.

_I showed Casey a picture of Carter, and she concurs, he's too damn cute for his own good. She thinks I'm crazy, and should find someone to date, Carter is Mr. Unattainable. Besides Luce, you don't want to be with another dirt poor resident, an ER doctor, he is as broke as you are. Go for a surgeon, or find some nice stockbroker or something. Ah Casey, she is always looking at the practical side, she wants to see the guys financials before she dates them. Me? I don't care so much, I want true love, and a guy who attracts me, gives me butterflies. Carter gives me butterflies, I see him smile sometimes and my heart does back flips. I couldn't care less that he doesn't have a dime, lives in a basement apartment. He sure dresses nice though, he always looks so good, I could eat him for lunch._

I feel really weird reading this. It sounds so damn high school, she was talking about me to her friends, to her mom?

_Carter and I are still tense, but it seems a bit better. I am really trying to listen, and I think maybe so is he. He is still with Roxanne. He apparently found an apartment to rent quite quickly. The weird thing is it turns out to be Dr. Weaver's basement apartment. Maybe now he won't have Roxanne staying over. Will Weaver be thrilled to have him bringing over the girlfriend all the time? I think not._

I have to give a little laugh at that. Weaver didn't care, as long as Roxanne didn't touch her stuff, she really didn't care. Roxanne stayed over all the time, and in fact it got a bit annoying because they became friends. Kerry was totally fine with Roxanne staying over whenever she liked.

_Corinna. The poor little girl. We tried and nothing was enough. Carter said you can only fight the good fight and do the best you can. It wasn't enough for Corinna._

_Carter and I got a lot closer because of Corinna. He was supposed to go sailing with Roxanne, I know he was, because Jerry was talking about it at the admit desk. Making comments about how Carter liked to sail and how lucky he was to have such a hot girlfriend. Jerry should be dating her, he almost seems to like Roxanne more than Carter does._

_Then she showed up when he was on the phone trying to find blood, and she made a couple of sarcastic comments because he didn't immediately drop everything for her. Boo hoo, poor Roxanne, Carter put the well being of a little girl ahead of her. He just ignored her though, didn't make a deal about her pouting and I had to be impressed, he cared about Corinna more than Roxanne?_

_He was short with me when he was on the phone, though, I was making a big deal about finding Nelson, he said he didn't care what I did, but he was going to find blood for that little girl. I was frustrated with him, but after I thought about it, he did the right thing, got on the phone with the blood bank and put out an all call to find out if anyone had some blood. I know I was annoying him, but I just can't seem to help it. Turns out they did find blood for her, but unfortunately the supply had been compromised and they couldn't use it. Carter tried, he really did, and if Corinna's luck was better that would have worked._

_As he couldn't find blood for Corinna right away, so he surprised me and showed up at the hotel where I was trying to track down Nelson. Not that he knew I was there, he just went out on his own and started looking and we ran into each other._

_So, from there we teamed up to find Nelson. He is a bit of a crazy bad ass sometimes. He went into an apartment and diagnosed a woman with TB, then he ran across the street and almost got hit by two cars, jumped the turn style to get to Nelson. Of course the security guard got in the way. I had never heard him swear like that, but he was pissed off that he missed Nelson. We were so close._

_He really can be a sweet guy at times, worrying about a little girl._

_He thinks that I never listen and I don't respect him. That I don't want to learn from him, and it is far from true. He just drives me crazy, I like him way too much. But I guess I see his point, maybe I need to listen to him once in a while, he does have a lot of experience, he has worked in the ER for 5 years and there are days when he is on fire._

_Anyway, he went with me to Wrigley Field and down to a not so nice area of town to help me look for Nelson. He didn't give up, we scaled fences and finally found a building but no cock fights. Then he actually told me not to blame myself that it wasn't my fault and I was the only med student that had showed any promise. I didn't even know what to say, I was so shocked he said something so nice to me. I kept getting flashes of the real Carter, and he is amazing._

_Then he fell into the pit and dislocated his shoulder, while he was trying to see in a window and he let me put it back into place. I know it hurt, a lot, but he was incredibly brave about it. Diagnosed his own injury and was able to give me instruction on how to fix it, despite being in pain. I put his arm in a sling for him and we walked back, and actually had a bit of a conversation. I slipped up and called him John, then of course I had to fix it and call him Dr. Carter. I told him I did respect him and I know he must be a good person for being out here. And he is, I can see it. He pretended that he was out there because he needed something to do, but I know he was supposed to be out with Roxanne. He blew off Roxanne so he could save a little girl. He really is a passionate guy, even at the meat packing plant he cut through the guys yapping and told him he had a little girl he could save I loved that about him, he made it clear that we didn't care about anything other than getting Nelson to the hospital to give blood for his daughter. I bet he is going to be a really great dad some day._

_We finally got back to his Jeep, and it was on fire, I felt so bad, someone looted and burned his vehicle, and I have no idea how he is going to replace it. I hope he has insurance. We had to walk forever to find a phone. After all of that, we find Nelson at Doc's across the street from County. And it was too late, Corinna was in multi system failure by then. I could tell from John's face that he was as upset about it as I was._

_I couldn't go home, so I went up to the roof. I was there for a while and John found me, I thought he would have gone home. He broke the bad news to me, she may never wake up, we didn't save her, but we gave her the only chance she had._

_You fought the good fight Lucy, and tomorrow you'll fight another one. That is what he said. That sometimes you can only do the best you can, when you do even more than you thought you could, it's not always enough. He sat with me and put his arm around me, and just let me lean on him. He knows that I am devastated we couldn't save her. This innocent little girl, who by bad luck had such rare blood antigens that the only one who could save her was her father, and he left._

_I told him my dad left, he was only 19 and he apologized for getting personal, but he was adamant that you don't leave your children. You just don't do that, is what he said, of course he didn't know about my dad until after he said it. I wonder if his parents left him. Or has he seen it too much in the ER?_

_I love him more now than ever. Before I think I was infatuated, because he is a really attractive guy, and there is just something about him. Now I know, there is so much more to him than meets the eye. He is a good person, he truly does care, he cares about his patients and unbelievable as it sounds, he cares about me. He wants me to succeed, but we are both so similar, so stubborn, the sparks really fly when we are together. When we cooperate and work together, it's like magic, I think it would be like to be with him, like magic, I almost feel like we are soul mates that have met under the wrong circumstances._

_He didn't even mind that I was calling him John instead of Dr. Carter, like we could actually be friends, and I wasn't just an annoying little girl sent to torture him. I felt so close to him for the first time, and I know he has a lot he can teach me. Though I wish he wasn't my supervising resident, because I know I can't get involved with him. My mom is right about that, he could be fired for sleeping with a med student, I know there are rules._

Corinna. I sit and think about all that was said that night. It was funny, we stopped to use the phone and we ordered some food, they guy called Lucy my Mrs. Well, she was sure bossing me around like a wife. I didn't even really notice, she had started calling me John instead of Dr. Carter. It sounded pretty natural coming from her lips, she was right, it didn't bother me. To so many I am just Carter, it was kind of nice once in a while to be known as John. Harper always called me John, as did Anna, and I felt very close to them.

Lucy was very upset later on the roof, and I understood, it's true that some patients get to you more than others. I remember sitting with her, and trying to comfort her just a little. We sat there for a long time before we went down to work. I guess I have a bit of a damsel in distress complex, I feel compelled to help women. Lucy needed comforting, and I did, I never regretted it, I think we worked together a whole lot better after that day.

I sigh. All that running around, and for what? I understood her despair more than she knew, despite my words. Corinna really got to me too, we tried so hard and I hoped when we found Nelson that the outcome would be better, but major damage had already been done. I had quite a few patients that really got to me, and that little girl was one of them.

"Good morning, you are always up when I get here." Tiffany gives me a sunny smile, then frowns slightly. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, fine." I know I sound a bit choked up and I have to pinch the bridge of my nose, it usually stops me from crying when emotion gets the better of me.

"You don't look fine, John, and you don't sound fine." Tiffany sits right beside me and puts her arm around me. "Tell me." She whispers.

I shake my head. "I don't know if I can."

"John, you need to talk to someone. You hold too much inside, you don't let people in sometimes when you really need to. You can trust me, you know you can."

"You can never tell Susan." I love my wife too much, maybe someday I can share, but for her to know everything about Lucy? I just don't know if I can do that to her, I never want to hurt her. And I need to sort all of this out before I can talk to her about any of it. Things have been rough enough between us, without bringing in more issues.

"John, you can tell me. You know I have kept all your secrets, our secrets."

I know this is true. She is the only one I shared with, she is the only one who knows the truth of what happened after my parents left. She has never told anyone, not even Jim. And I have never told her secrets, what happened when she was a teenager. I know it drives people crazy that we have secrets between us, but I'm just not ready to tell, and I may never be ready to tell. We were each others support through so much, and that is saying a lot since we were only 14 years old at the time.

I can't even tell Susan, who I love so much, I feel like it would change how she thinks about me, and I couldn't bear it. Some things are better left unsaid. I have tried to put it all behind me, the year after Bobby died was one of the worst in my entire life, like a deep black hole, and I have worked very hard to block it out. It was so hard when Barbie brought it up in Paris, and clued Susan in that there were things she didn't know. I know Susan just wants to help, but I have blocked it out for a reason. I can't deal with it, I am scared revisiting that part of my life will put me back into that black tunnel. I can't go there.

"I know Tiff. Just reading this. To find out how Lucy felt, it is really difficult. Being reminded of everything we went through."

"How did she feel?"

"According to this." I trail off and shake my head.

"Tell me, you obviously need to talk to someone John, just tell me."

"She keeps saying she was in love with me. Is that what her mom wanted me to know?"

Tiffany rubs my back and says nothing.

"I was pretty hard on her at times, I know I am at least partly to blame for her dying. And I can't take any of it back, she was so young and I can still see her face, the look in her eyes, she knew she was going to die." I have never told Tiffany this before, she knows I was stabbed, that I passed out, and I had a drug problem after, but she doesn't know the whole story. She doesn't know about the exam room, she doesn't know how close I was to her, not really.

Tiffany puts her arms around me and I lean on her shoulder. I want to cry, but I can't, I still have trouble letting people see that side, even Tiffany. Even crying in front of my wife was a humbling experience, Susan seemed to think it was normal for a guy to cry. Not in my family, expression of that kind of emotion used to make my grandfather cringe, and my dad was equally uncomfortable so I learned to keep it all hidden. To only let out certain things when I am totally alone.

"Oh John. You were a lot closer to this girl than you have ever let on, weren't you?"

"Yes. We grew really close, we almost had something, but I couldn't, I was her supervisor and it would have been really wrong. She wanted to get involved, and I just couldn't, and part of me will always wonder if we had, if she would still be alive. If I could have saved her."

"It might not have made any difference. Is that why you had such trouble in recovery?"

"I cared about her, I could just never act on it. When I got home from the hospital, I couldn't sleep. I didn't ever _want_ to sleep because of the nightmares, seeing her bleeding on the floor, the look in her eyes. I couldn't sit around doing nothing, so I went back to work. Far too soon, and it was painful, to be where it happened and also physically painful. I pushed too hard and I started taking more medication just to get through a shift. Then even more to block out the nightmares. And more so I wouldn't feel anything, the emotional pain was almost worse than the physical."

I feel her hug me even tighter. "I can understand that, John. Being stabbed must have been very painful. And trying to recover from the injuries plus losing someone you cared deeply about."

"It was, but I didn't want to feel anything, not physically or emotionally. I was taking the drugs hoping they would make me forget, hoping they would dull the pain of losing someone I cared about. Someone that I maybe could have saved if I'd even done one thing different that day. I didn't feel like I deserved to live when she died. How did _I_ deserve it, sometimes I just wanted it all to go away."

"John. You are still here because we needed you, your family needed you. Brooklynn, Susan, Susie, you were meant to be part of their lives and you were meant to have more children, to have Aiden and Hailey, and to save Rachel. I am so glad you are here, I wish I had known, that someone had called me, that I could have been there for you, like you have been there for me in the past. I love you, and I always will."

"I know Tiff, I know that, and I could never leave my family, not willingly. I want and need to be here for them. But then, it was like a black tunnel, going on forever, I didn't have any of them, I didn't know I even had a child. I don't know how Lucy's mom finds the will to keep going, she lost her only child. How does she do it?"

"The same way you found your way out of the tunnel, found your way back to us. Something keeps her going, just like something kept you going, even when it seemed the darkest. You found your way when you were a kid and things looked bleak, and you did it again. You have a lot of inner strength, and I am grateful that you do. It saved you, something wouldn't let you give up. You can never give up John, never."

"But I almost did, I wanted to, so many times."

"Oh honey, I'm glad you kept going. If you ever feel that way, I am here, you know that right?"

"I know."

"Have you ever told anyone this?"

"Only parts. Some things are not so easy to admit, especially in my family."

"John, I won't say anything, but maybe you should tell Susan. It is up to you, but I think she needs to know. She loves you, she wants to be there for you. She is part of your support system."

"I'm not in that place any more, Tiff, I have gotten past it. I have so much in my life now, I feel like it will change how she sees me and I don't know if I can deal with it."

"Still, you should think about sharing it, she loves you so much, I don't think it will make any difference to her. Maybe she already suspects, she is a pretty smart lady. But I meant what I said, you have asked me not to tell her, and I won't. I am here if you ever need to talk about it, or if you ever find yourself there again. You know I understand to a certain degree, you know what I went through and how hard a time I had with it. We are so similar, some things we can never tell our families, some things I can never tell Jim. I don't want him to feel differently about me either."

She is just there, she understands, I will never tell Jim what I know, just like she will never tell anyone what she knows about me. I know it bothers him sometimes that there is such a connection between Tiffany and I, but I can never tell him why. I can only assure him that we are only friends.

"I just can't. Maybe someday I'll feel differently, but right now? No."

"I understand, honey." She pulls back slightly and takes my face in her hands. "Promise me you will call me, anytime, no matter what time of the day or night if you ever need to talk. I'm not kidding John, having those thoughts are serious, and I am here for you, always."

I nod. "I know, believe me, I know. I am a really different place now, I couldn't do that to my kids."

She looks at me for a really long moment, she is searching my eyes and she finally sighs. "Okay. I worry about you sometimes, lately you have been really not yourself."

"I'm a little stressed out. Work, the stuff with Brooklynn, the stuff with Susan, Barbara Knight showing up, and the whole thing with Barbie in Paris didn't help either. But, I promise, I'll be okay. I am okay."

"You and Rachel were sharing a nice moment the other day. What did she say to you? You were almost ready to crack when I came out." She lets it go, I think she knows I really am in another place in my life, but it is a relief to finally admit to someone what I was thinking back then.

"She told me she was sorry Lucy had died, but glad that I lived."

"We are all glad you lived, John, don't ever doubt it."

"Thank you, for listening, I knew you would understand. I love you Tiff."

"I love you too." She hugs me tight and gives me a quick kiss.

I hear a bit of a sound and see Rachel standing there, her mouth is slightly open like she doesn't quite know what to say. I think she heard the 'I love you' part, and I am not quite sure what is going through her head.

"Hey Rach, ready for some homework?" I try to pull it together. She is looking at me like she is a bit disappointed.

"I don't know if I feel like it today."

"Why not?"

She just shakes her head and looks at the two of us. I see the condemnation in her eyes, and I can almost hear what she is thinking.

"Rach, I don't know what you heard, or saw, but it is not what you think."

"It isn't? How could you do that to Susan? I never thought you of all people would be like that."

"I haven't done anything to Susan, Rachel. Tiffany is one of my oldest friends and we tell each other we love each other all the time. You can say I love you and not mean it romantically."

She looks at me with narrowed eyes, maybe trying to seek out the truth in that statement.

"You aren't in love with Tiffany?"

"No, I'm _in love_ with Susan. But I _love_ Tiffany as a friend. I needed to talk to someone, we were just having a serious talk and she gave me a hug. That's all it is Rach."

Jim picks that moment to come up on deck. He doesn't even blink at the proximity of Tiffany and I, he simply pours a coffee from the carafe and drops into a chair.

"Good morning everyone, what's up?" I know he can feel the tension in the air. "What did I miss?"

Rachel looks pointedly at Tiffany and I sitting so close together on the lounger. I see a flash of understanding go across his face, he can see how Rachel is looking at us. That Tiffany still has her arm around me, and he knows something is up.

Tiffany gives me a kiss on the cheek, and another hug, then casually gets up and goes over and gives him a very warm kiss.

"Morning sweetie. Sleep well?"

"I did. But I needed a coffee and to wake up before we have company, so I thought I would join the gang for the study session." He is playing it cool, though I know he may say something to me later.

"I think I am going to skip it this morning. Why don't we go get ready and leave John and Rachel to it?"

I know what she is doing, she is leaving us alone to talk and Jim gets it, she will fill him. She and Jim disappear and Rachel sits down and opens her books. "Jim didn't seem too worried about you hugging his wife."

"No, he knows we are close friends, we act like that all the time. It really is just that simple. Susan wouldn't freak out about it either, she knows I love her, and she knows Tiffany loves Jim. I have been friends with Tiffany since I was 13, Rach, we don't have a lot of secrets from each other. She is a special person in my life, someone I can always count on when things get rough. Kind of like I hug you sometimes, it just means I care."

"You are kind of like my uncle."

"Exactly." I have to smile at that, I like the thought that I am like her uncle. "And Tiffany is a just a very close friend."

"Did something happen with Susan, is that why you are upset?"

"No, it was about something else. Susan and I are fine. You know I have been reading Lucy's diary, well, it is kind of hard to get into some of the memories. I was reading about this little girl that was a patient of ours, and what we went through to save her. We tried really hard and it wasn't enough. Sometimes it's not enough. And I'm still sad that Lucy died, it was very hard to deal with recovering from being injured and dealing with the loss of a friend. I went through a really rough time in my life, and I need my friends around to talk to."

"Like I needed to talk to you? I still don't know how you seem to know what I'm thinking sometimes, is it because of Chase?"

I know this might be the most opportune question, and maybe it is time for me to tell her.

"Only partially. I've been there Rachel, to rock bottom, and it was a long road to recovery, but I have my life back."

She frowns. "What do you mean, you've been there?"

"Addiction. After Lucy died, I was dealing with a lot of things. Physical and emotional pain, guilt for surviving when she didn't. I knew what I was doing was stupid and wrong, but it didn't stop me. I started abusing prescription pharmaceuticals."

"You were a drug addict?"

"Yes, I was. I didn't use street drugs, which I am forever grateful for, but I did use some pretty heavy duty drugs all the same. Morphine, Fentanyl, Oxy, Demerol, to name a few. They were easy to get when you work in a major trauma center. And I had a prescription from my doctor too."

"Why though? You have so much, why would you do that?"

"I have a saying, 'money isn't everything'. People assumed I had a lot, but what I didn't have was a lot of support from my family. I'm not close to my parents, and my grandparents are old school. My sister lives here in Europe, we aren't all that close, and my brother died when I was 10. Not to make excuses, but I went through something difficult, I lost someone very close to me, and I used drugs to dull the physical and emotional pain. I should have known better, but I lost the connection with friends, and at some point I thought I didn't deserve help."

Rachel nods. "I kind of felt like that too. That you and Susan would help me, I didn't think I deserved that. You dropped everything and came to Philadelphia just for me."

"We did, and I understand the feeling. I still don't really know why I lived and she didn't, but the fact is I did. Things looked very bleak for a long time, but now, I have a lot more than I ever thought I could."

"How did you stop? Using drugs I mean?"

"I got caught. I was using at work, and I stole some Fentanyl left over from a trauma. Someone caught me injecting it, and went to your dad actually. Some friends at work confronted me, and got me into a rehab program. I almost walked away, but someone that I didn't expect stopped me, and told me to get my ass on the plane. He took me to the rehab center in Atlanta, and I spent 90 days there dealing with things. When I was done, I vowed I was getting my life back and I have done pretty well."

Rachel comes and sits beside me. "So now you're married, and you have 4 kids, and you look happy. Well most of the time anyway. Sometimes you look sad."

"The thing about addiction, it plays with your mind. When I think about Lucy, I do get sad. Or sometimes when I mess up and I know Susan is disappointed or mad, it makes me sad too, the thought that I could lose all that I've worked for. I almost lost my medical license, when my addiction was discovered, I have no room for error though it is hard sometimes, when I'm under stress. But, I know there will always be something, life is not perfect and what I have is worth fighting for, so I keep going and try to do the best I can. I take it day by day, some days are good, some not so good, but at the end of the day I am thankful for what I have, and I don't take it for granted. Ever. Because I almost had nothing."

"You almost died." Her voice is soft. "I guess I should feel really lucky, I lost my dad, but I have always had people who cared, even if I couldn't see it. I didn't go through anything like you did."

"I had people who cared, and I didn't see it either. Like I said, addiction plays with your mind. It's easy to lose yourself and give in to the voices in your head. I think being a doctor saved me, I had a purpose, something that got me out of my head and let me focus on other people. Eventually I saw that I had people around me who cared, and I started to focus on that along with what I was doing every day as a doctor. Now I have my family, and I try to be there for them, I know they depend on me too."

"Do you think I will get there one day?"

"Yes. You are doing really well, Rach. You are focusing on your school work, you have a goal in life. You have mended your relationship with Elizabeth, and have a little sister who will look up to you. And you have us, everyone here cares about you too. You have a lot of good inside, and everyone can see it. We want you to succeed, and you are getting your life back on track. Your dad would be so proud of you."

"Do you think so? I thought he would be disappointed in me."

"Your dad loved you, Rach, and he would forgive your mistakes. He did forgive them, and he did his best to help you get your life on track before he died. Make him proud every day, keep working, do something you love and show the people in your life that you care about them. You will go far."

"John, was there ever anything between you and Tiffany? I saw pictures of you two together, you know, at the house. You went to prom together, didn't you?"

I take a deep breath, I can't lie to her. "Yes, we dated when we were younger, she was my high school girlfriend. But that was over long ago, now we are just very close friends."

"And Susan knows."

"Of course. I would never lie to her about it, she has known for a long time. Jim knows too of course, in fact he used to double date with us. We are all adults, and it is not an issue between us."

"You promise there is nothing else going on?"

"Yes, Rach, I promise. I know it is difficult to understand, but sometimes that is how it works with adults. You can break up with someone and still be friends and care about them. She will always be my friend, no matter what, we went through a lot together when we were younger, we know each other really well, and I can talk to her about pretty much anything. I love my wife, I can honestly say I have never cheated on her Rachel. If there is any piece of advice I can ever give you, its when you find that one person you know you want to be with forever, you need to build trust. If you don't have trust you don't have much, love and trust. Cheating on them is not the way to build trust."

She gives me a searching look. "Phillipe looked pretty cozy with Francesca, yet he is married to Barbara. Did you tell her?"

"You ask some tough questions there Rach. No, I didn't tell Barbie about Francesca."

"She's your sister, but you help Phillipe hide cheating from her?"

I shake my head. How much do I tell her? This is a touchy subject. "I have told her in the past, and she told me to mind my own business. She knows, Rachel, she just chooses to put up with it. They don't have a good marriage, I don't think Barbie is really happy, but she doesn't want to do anything about it. Anyway, I'm not hiding anything she doesn't know, okay?"

Rachel nods. "Okay."

"Rach, not everyone knows about my addiction either, I don't talk about it with Barbie, so keep it to yourself. Susan, Jim and Tiffany know, but otherwise it is our secret okay?"

"I won't tell John, I understand, I don't want everyone to know about me either."

Susan appears with the twins, and Susie and Brooklyn are not far behind. I realize we have spent our whole study session just talking.

"Morning you two." She hands me Hailey and the girls come and give me hugs. Susan leans down and gives me a warm kiss. "You two need to get ready soon."

Louisa appears and I hand off Hailey. "I'll go now and get ready, you should go clean up too Rach."

An hour later Barbara and Phillipe arrive, and meet the girls. It goes as well as can be expected. Barbara brings little gifts for each of the kids, including Riley and Rachel. My sister is not a bad person, we are just not close. I don't even blame her for not being there when Bobby died, she was still a teenager at the time. I just don't like her trying to analyze me and dig into it. I really can't bring it all back to the surface, it needs to stay in its cage.

I go over to the bar to get everyone some drinks and she follows me.

"John, your family is beautiful. I never thought I would see you with 4 kids." She sighs. "I wish Phillipe and I had kids."

I give her a hug. "I know Barbie. Have you ever thought about adopting?"

"No, Phillipe only wants his own child, and I can never give him that."

"Barbie, are you happy?"

She gives me a shaky smile. "Of course I am. I love Phillipe."

"Barbie, he cheats on you, all the time. He was on the Island with Francesca, it was pretty obvious what they were up to, even Rachel spotted it. How can you be happy with a man like that, he's never home, he is with other women constantly. My wife would divorce my ass if I was carrying on like that."

"He's French, John, it's how it is."

"No Barbie, he's an asshole, that's how it is. I would never do that to Susan, to my family. If she hadn't been able to give me children, or if I hadn't been able to, then I would not hesitate to adopt if that is what she wanted."

"You did adopt for her, you took in her niece, along with your own kids. And that is a good thing John, but Phillipe is different. I can't leave him or divorce him, John, what would I do then?"

"Find yourself someone who isn't a cheating asshole? Someone who would be with you, and not running around with the item of the week?"

"You are an exception, John. If you are faithful to your wife, then you are the only man I know who is."

"I know lots of men who don't cheat on their wives. Men who want to be with their families, who love them enough to at least try and make them happy. Barbie, you owe it to yourself to try and be really happy, if you truly are then fine, but I don't really believe it. You deserve to be happy, don't sell yourself short and stay for whatever it is you are staying for."

"My little brother, the voice of wisdom. How do you know? You have no idea John, just mind your own business. Our parents got divorced because you had to put in your two cents, and now you are trying to get me to leave my husband.

"Don't put that on me. They divorced because our mother has been emotionally absent for 20 years. She couldn't give a damn about anyone. You know she has never even seen her grand kids? I have absolutely no idea where she is, I haven't heard from her in over a year, maybe she has been in touch with you, but she sure couldn't care less about me or my family."

"She loves you, and you know it."

"No I don't know it. I almost died, and she couldn't be bothered to show up until 3 weeks later. Even then she was there for about 10 minutes and she left. Last time I saw her, all she wanted was for me to give her dad's contact numbers, because he didn't want to talk to her. She dragged me into the life of a little boy dying of AML. Just what I needed in my life, to watch a little boy die of Leukemia, all while she was berating me for not doing more for him."

"Well, you are a doctor, it's your job."

"It's _not_ my job to treat a cancer patient, I'm an ER doctor, and I referred him to an oncologist. But that wasn't enough, nothing I do for this family is ever enough. She hated that I became a doctor, until it suited her purposes then she is all over me. Now she is gone again, and I never hear from her."

"Stay out of my marriage, you don't have a clue about real life."

"Oh, I don't? Because I am younger than you? I almost lost everything. Do you even get that? I have lost so many people close to me, I was there when Chase was brought in the ER after his overdose, I watched someone bleeding to death on a floor, someone I cared about, and I couldn't help her. Life is too damn short to put up with crap like he dishes out to you. Don't ever tell me I have no idea, you are the one that has no idea. And fine, I won't bring it up again, stay with him, I don't care." I turn and walk away from her, I can't be around her another minute. If she wants to live like that, then there is nothing I can do, and I don't know why I even bother.

I feel her grab my arm. "What do you mean you almost lost everything?"

"What do you think I mean? I almost died, Barbie, two more minutes on the floor and I would have been dead. I wake up to find out my friend is dead. She didn't make it. If you don't think I have an idea about real life, you're crazy. What in the hell do you think I do for a living. It doesn't get much more real than what I see every day at work."

She stops and stares at me. "John, please, let's not fight. Just leave it alone. The whole thing with Phillipe, just leave it alone."

I give a humorless laugh at that one. "Huh, leave it alone. Now who sounds like Jack. But you know what? It's left alone." I take her hand off my arm and pick up the drinks from the bar. We rejoin the group and I can see Susan watching me.

The visit is finally over and they go back to their yacht and we are under sail to Procida. Jim and I jump in and help the crew, I love sailing and I miss it. I really need to get us a boat when we go back to Chicago, but then Susan might object, I just bought 5 horses.

She didn't ask how much I spent on them, I think she might have a bit of a heart attack to find out what each one is worth, she has no idea. Then again she always just says it's my money, so spend it how I want. Except now it's her money too. She is a very wealthy woman, though she never acts like it. I don't know if it is quite real to her, even though we have talked about it.

We are able to take a bit of a break as we are well underway, and I lean on the railing watching the world go by. Jim comes up beside me.

"So, what was going on this morning with Rachel? She looked like she was upset about something, when I came on deck."

"Tiffany didn't fill you in?"

"I want _you_ to tell me John. What upset her so much?"

"Tiffany and I were talking, she gave me a hug, and said she loved me. Rachel overheard it and mistook it for something it wasn't."

"She thought you two were involved somehow?"

"Yes, she had the mistaken idea that we were having an affair. I straightened her out, just because you tell someone you love them doesn't mean you are sleeping with them. I do love Tiffany, just not like I love Susan. It's almost like she is family, more like a sister now than anything."

"Except I hope you have never slept with your sister."

I have to roll my eyes. "You know what I mean Jim, I don't know why you have to say that. She and I are ancient history and you know it. Rachel saw pictures at the house from prom, and I had to admit to her that we'd dated in the past. She was upset at the thought I was cheating on Susan, which of course I'm not."

"I know. So Rachel now knows you and Tiffany were an item in the past. That's okay, everyone else on the boat knows. What was going on with you and Tiff?"

"I was reading the diary, it brought back some things, and we talked about it. She listened, gave me a hug, that was it. You know there is nothing like that going on, I wouldn't do that to you or to Susan. I don't feel that way and haven't for a long time."

He grasps my shoulder. "I know, I just wanted _you_ to tell me what was going on. You know that I am here too if you need to talk? I get you have a certain trust level with Tiffany for many reasons, but it doesn't mean you can tell me what is going on, or ask me for help. I would never judge, you have been through some things I can't even imagine and I don't know how I would handle it either."

"I know Jim, Tiff just happened to be there at the time I needed to talk. I really wonder if I shouldn't just drop the diary overboard, but her mom obviously thought there was something in there I should know."

"Tough call, no question. How close were you to this girl?"

"Fairly. I supervised her for several months, and working together in the ER, you really develop strong bonds with people."

"Was there anything more to the relationship?"

Ah, he knows me so well. "There could have been if I'd wanted it, but she was a med student and I was a doctor, not to mention her direct supervisor. That could have gotten me fired, so I didn't get involved with her. I know she wanted more, but I really couldn't."

Jim looks at me and shakes his head. "And then she died."

"Yes, and I watched her bleeding on the floor and there was nothing I could do to help her. I'm in the ER, lots of trained medical professionals around, and no way to call for help, or do anything for her. Next thing I know I am waking up and my friend Deb is talking to me and Lucy is in the next room covered in blood. Then I wake up after surgery and realize she's dead. It's like a blur, Jim."

"You have never told me this in detail, and I never wanted to push, I could tell it was a difficult thing to deal with."

"It was, and I made some big mistakes in my life because of what happened. I have told the story quite a few times now, and it never gets easier."

"I get it, just know, you can talk to me anytime. You have a whole lot of stress in your life right now, and I can see the cracks, John. It is showing in your relationship with Susan. You love her, but you need to get it together, and I want to help you with that, so don't hesitate to talk to me. You have already been talking to Tiffany obviously and that is a good thing, I'm not worried about that. I just want to know what is going on, if Rachel says something to me, then I know how to respond to her."

"Thanks Jim, I think Rachel is okay. I told her about my addiction."

"You did? You think that was wise?"

"Yes, she is old enough to understand, we've talked a bit about losing people close to us, and honestly, the people close to me should know. Admitting the problem is part of recovering from addiction."

"Well, you know best who you want to know and not know. So what was up with you and Barbie earlier? You seemed to be getting along pretty well until she talked to you over at the bar."

"Oh, you know, I made the mistake of voicing my opinion on Phillipe. He was pretty damn bold with Francesca, it irritates me that he just throws it in everyone's face, how he sleeps around like that and she just puts up with it. Like she's his door mat or something. She needs to kick his lying cheating ass out the door, but she just smiles and lets him continue. And then she blamed me for my parents' divorce, like I made my mother check out of our family 20 years ago."

"I'm sorry, I know your family is not the easiest to deal with. So you told her about Francesca. I wasn't sure you were going to say anything."

"Well, I debated, she already knows he runs around on her. All the time, Francesca is just one in a very long string, I've seen him with other women in the past, and it bothers me. But as she said, I should mind my own damn business, if she wants to stay with him then it's her choice. Could you imagine Tiffany putting up with that from you?"

"Nope, I would be going through a very expensive divorce if I screwed around even once. I could never do it, I've had the opportunity, but I have never taken advantage of it, I love her too much, John, you know that. Some of the guys at the office think I am dumb to pass up all the women, but I think I would be even dumber to give up my wife. Especially for some woman who would be basically a one night stand."

"I hear you. I won't cheat on Susan either, she wouldn't tolerate it, and I simply don't want to anyway."

"You've had opportunity?"

"Of course, more than once, but I haven't slept with anyone else, and I won't. Between you and me, Trisha offered herself up _after_ Susan and I got married while we were in the Caribbean, _and_ again on this trip. In Monte Carlo."

"You have got to be kidding. Did you tell Jordan?"

"I'm not kidding _._ Yes, I told him, but he doesn't care that his girlfriend is making moves on his married friends."

"Did you tell Susan?"

"No way, I don't think we need any more drama right now, and I didn't do anything with Trisha, so I'm not sure she needs to know. I'm only telling _you_ so we can avoid having her on the boat again. In my books she's not welcome, she's a bit of a tramp, I told Jordan I don't want to see her on any more of our holidays. Do you tell Tiffany when a woman propositions you?"

"No way, I agree, what would be the point in stirring things up. Who knows, our wives could be getting propositioned too, do we want to hear about it?"

I have to think about that one. "Probably not, it would drive me a bit crazy to be honest. Thanks for putting that thought in my head."

"Sorry. We are probably two of the last guys on the planet that don't screw around on our wives. Almost every guy I know has done it at least once."

"Maybe, but I intend to end up happy, with the woman I love, not divorced. It took a long time to get here and I am not giving it up that easily."

"Isn't that the truth. We should get back to the ladies before they wonder what we are up to."

We go and join our wives, we will be arriving in Procida soon, time to put the morning behind me and spend some quality time with my family.


	57. Chapter 57

It has been an interesting day already, with the visit from Barbie and Phillipe. I could see that John and Barbie had a bit of an altercation but they seemed okay afterwards.

Rachel had been a bit quiet all morning, but I haven't had any time to talk to John privately, as soon as we were ready to get underway, he and Jim jumped in to do some sailing. Then I saw them having a private chat, which I respect and next thing I know we are pulling into Procida.

We have a really terrific visit. John seems to be in a good mood and he lavishes a lot of attention on the kids. And me of course, he is very affectionate and warm. It is a very good day, and I hope the rest of our holiday is this good.

The next few days are incredible actually, everyone seems happy. Brooklynn is far less clingy to John, and seeing how loving he is with me seems to be winning her over, so she is opening up to me again. It is a huge relief to have my baby girl back again, I really did miss the closeness. We seems like a happy cohesive family unit again.

John has put away the diary for a bit, maybe that is helping, and he is deep into studying his medical text and helping Rachel with her homework instead. The days he spends helping sail and spending with me and the kids, including Rachel. He seems to have his boundless energy back, my only concern is that he is late to bed and early to rise, I hope he doesn't burn himself out.

We make love every night, and I feel very connected, though he is not getting into any deep conversations with me. It is nice to have some drama free days, I am enjoying just having some fun, and I think he needs that right now. We have had far too much stress in the past couple months.

We arrive off of Capri, and spend a wonderful day doing some sightseeing in town. We spend a couple days sailing around the island and go to the Blue Grotto, which was a totally amazing experience. We left the twins and Riley on the boat, but all the adults had a chance to see it. Then we sail around and arrived at another Grotto. It was later in the afternoon, and the seas were calm so John and I swam over to it. Apparently this was a very common way to visit the White Grotto, and it was a lot of fun.

John is kind of fearless. He simply stepped out of his sandals and did a perfect dive into the water.

"Come on Susan, take a swim with me."

"Are you serious?"

"Yes, it's not far, the water is calm, it's nice in here, you only live once."

"Are you sure it's okay?"

"Yup, we've been here before, right Jim?"

Jim nods. "It's fine. You two go, then Tiffany and I will take a turn."

"Rach? You want to come?" John invites her. She looks a bit nervous but she is a good swimmer, so she allows John to coax her into the water.

We all swim over and explore a bit before we swim back.

"Okay, that was really neat."

Jim and Tiffany both take a turn to swim over, and Louisa goes with them while we watch the kids.

I am a bit sad when we are under sail again, we have spent a lot of time on the boat and we are going to be docking soon and the rest of our trip will be by car. I am excited, but still, it will be interesting as we have such a large party we have to split into more than one vehicle. This is a definite challenge as we have 4 kids, Rachel and Louisa. I am a bit worried about the fact that we have to transport 11 people, but John just shrugs.

"We have rented three luxury cars to accommodate the number of people. Jim, Tiffany and I have all driven quite a bit in Europe, we always get an international licence before we travel, so we can each take a car and do a bit of a convoy. It will be fun, trust me."

"Well, you guys have it all figured out obviously, but 3 cars, really?"

"Are you kidding? With 5 kids, the car seats and all the luggage, the strollers all of that? Yeah, we need 3 cars Susan. We have good sized ones too. You would not want to even try with less than 3 cars. We are going to ship some stuff home from Naples, so if you have anything you want to send back, anything you don't need then let me know. The jet is in Europe, Jim's dad is flying home to Chicago in a couple days and will take any unneeded things back, we need to pare down the luggage quite a bit and the souvenirs can all go with him."

"Really. Okay, well I will work on getting my stuff sorted."

We dock and say good bye to the sailboat, pick up the rental cars which are rather nice. Comfortable and spacious, we are able to split everyone out nicely and we alternate on who accompanies each driver. John, Jim and Tiffany are the drivers and Rachel, Louisa and I take turns with each of them, and the kids. Rachel likes to drive with John as much as possible, but we do alternate.

I love travelling by car, we stop at a lot of sights as we drive between locations, and we are planning to have a few nights in each location and drive from there, returning to home base daily. This is nice as it allows us to leave the babies all home on occasion, but we try not to do this too often as Louisa doesn't mind taking charge of them and it allows her to see most of the sites.

Pompeii, the Amalfi coast, and we spend a few days in Rome, which is amazing. We see the Vatican, the Colosseum, among other famous sites. We work our way up and finally end up in Venice at the end of August. We have had a really fabulous time but everyone is exhausted and ready to go home.

We are meeting the private jet back in Rome, so we spend a couple extra days and see a few more things on our way back, though we don't take nearly as long to drive there as on the way up. I am with John on our drive back and his cell phone rings.

"Can you grab that Susan?"

"Sure." I clicked the answer button. "Hello?"

"Oh, sorry, I'm looking for John Carter."

"This is Susan, he's driving, can I take a message?"

"Oh, this is Dave, I was wondering if the offer to get a lift home is still open?"

I look over at John. "Dave is hoping to catch a lift back to Chicago."

"Sure, Jim offered, so if he can get to Rome before Thursday then he can come with us."

"Dave, we are leaving Rome on Thursday."

"Really? Awesome, I can be there, in fact I will be there on Wednesday, so if John can let me know where to meet him, then I would really appreciate it."

I relay the information to John.

"Give him the name and address of the apartment. If he needs a place to crash, we can squeeze him in for the night if he doesn't mind the couch."

I relay this to Dave, we have stayed in rental apartments pretty much the whole trip, which has allowed us more bedrooms and a kitchen facility. He will see us there Wednesday.

"There are a couple of messages on your phone, John."

"Oh, do you want to check them for me?" He is busy navigating and driving. "Might be something from Justin or Gamma."

"Sure." I listen to the first one.

_'_ _John, it's Justin, I have some good news, we got the Rudy thing all settled out. He is dropping his complaint so now we just have to wait for the Medical Board to review the other matter. We should meet when you get back, let me know when you are back in Chicago. Hope you are having fun in Italy.'_

I save it and smile. "Good news from Justin, I'll tell you in a minute, you have another message here."

_'_ _Hi John, baby, it's Trish, I just wanted to let you know my offer is still open. I had fun in Monte Carlo, I hope you call me when you get back to Chicago. Your wife never needs to know, if you want to have a little fun, I would love to see you. Jordan doesn't care, you know that, so, what could be the harm. You could come home with me, she would never have know, because I'll never tell. Bye baby, call me.'_

I cannot believe I just heard that on my husband's phone. I save the message and snap the phone shut. I look at him, he glances over. "So what was the second message?"

"Well, John baby, it seems Trisha had fun in Monte Carlo. Her offer is still open and she wants you to call her." I know I sound choked up and I can feel the tear run down my cheek. I swipe it away.

" _What_?" John sounds a little shocked.

I turn and look out the window so he can't see me cry. "How could you John." I say this in a low voice, I can barely speak.

"Susan, it is not what you are thinking." He reaches over for my hand, and I pull away from him.

"Don't, just don't say a word. I don't want to hear it." The thoughts are tumbling through my head. _'John baby, I had fun in Monte Carlo._ I can hear her saccharine voice.

We drive for a couple more minutes and he pulls into a small rest stop area. The twins are in the back, both asleep, I get out of the car and walk to the edge and look out over the valley below us. It is a couple minutes before he comes up behind me.

"I didn't do anything with Trisha, Susan. I don't know what you think but, I didn't okay? I listened to the message, she is asking me to call her in Chicago."

"No, not okay John. She had fun in Monte Carlo, you were MIA for hours, so now I know what you were doing. Fucking Trisha."

He sighs. "No, I was not _fucking_ Trisha. I was getting drunk and hanging out with Dave. We ran into her in one of the clubs and she kind of attached herself to us. She flirted, made an offer that was easy to refuse and I came home. I have never had sex with her, and I never will."

"Why didn't you mention it?"

"Because I knew you would get just like this. Acting like I did something wrong, all suspicious, when I didn't do anything. We were already having issues, and bringing it up when I didn't do anything with her seemed kind of pointless. I promise, nothing happened."

"Is this the only time it's happened?" I wheel around and look at him, with my arms crossed.

I can see on his face, plain as day. Nope, not the only time.

"No. She did it when we were in the Caribbean too."

"Before or after we got married."

"After."

"You are kidding me. She tried to get you to fuck her right after we got married. On the same trip?"

"Yes. She invited me to their cabin. Of course I didn't go, I just laughed at her and told her she was crazy, we had just gotten married."

"But you didn't tell me."

"No, I didn't. Do you really want to hear when women make passes, or someone propositions me? Really?"

"Yes, John, I do. She is a friend of yours, and I don't want her around if she is going to be trying to fuck my husband."

"Let's be clear, she is not my friend, she's Jordan's girlfriend. I don't hang out with her or call her, or anything like that. She is only around when Jordan is around, I just happened to run into her at one of the clubs in Monte Carlo. Jim and I agreed that she was not going to be welcome on any future trips, and neither is Jordan if he continues to date her."

Jim pulls into the rest stop at that moment, and hops out. "Everything okay here?"

"Yeah, just perfect." I turn and walk away, Rachel is riding with Jim today, so I grab my stuff out of the car, and walk over. "Rachel, do you want to ride with John for a while?"

She gives me a funny look but nods. "Sure, I like talking to John. If you want to switch that's fine." She gathers up her things and moves to the SUV John is driving.

I get in and slam the door, John gives me an annoyed look and then he gets back in the car. Jim slides into the driver's seat and starts the engine, then works his way back into traffic.

"So. What was that all about?" He has Riley in the back seat, the girls are with Tiffany and Louisa today.

"John didn't tell you?"

"Ah, he didn't get too much into it, he just swore that he was going to kill Trisha. He seems kind of upset, not ready to talk about it."

"Yeah, well she left him a message on his phone telling him how much fun she had that night in Monte Carlo, and telling him to call her, that 'the wife doesn't ever need to know.' So, we were out looking for him, I was worried he was dead in an alley, and he was off fucking her. That's just great."

Jim sighs. "No he wasn't, Susan. I don't know what the message said, but keep in mind that Trisha is known as the happy homewrecker." He glances over. "So, why were you listening to the messages on John's phone? Checking up on him?"

"No, Dave called and he asked me to answer. I noticed John had a couple messages on his phone and he said I should check them."

"Oh, so your philandering husband asked you to check his messages? He must be really worried about messages from his mistress being on there." Jim sounds annoyed with me too, and I almost regret changing cars. Jim is going to support John in this.

"Well, I guess he didn't think his mistress would call. And it's not the first time she has offered herself up to him either. Can you believe that she propositioned him right after we got married?"

"Well, since this is Trisha we are talking about, then yes, I absolutely can." He sighs again. "Look, John told me she had come on to him, and we agreed that Trisha is no longer allowed to come on holidays with us. He also said that he had declined her offers and that he didn't want to mess things up with you, ever. You know he has been looking for the right woman for a long time, if you think he is going to screw that up over a tramp like Trisha Ashton, you are crazy."

"So did he tell Jordan his girlfriend was trying to sleep with him?"

Jim laughs. "Yes, he did actually. Jordan doesn't care, he sleeps around on her, and she sleeps around on him. That is why she had the free time, Jordan was off banging some chick he met on St Croix. Julia, Julissa, something like that."

"Seriously. Jordan told you the name of the girl he was cheating with."

"He told all the guys on the trip, he was with quite a few ladies in those three weeks and he made no secret of it. He's very proud of himself, he is the notches on the bedpost kind of guy. The guy in the locker room who loves to share how many chicks he's bagged. We've known him a long time, but this is getting out of control, whenever the two of them are around, they cause problems."

I frown at that. "He doesn't care if Trisha screws his friends?"

"Nope, Jordan doesn't have many morals when it comes to women. He's not serious about her, he just likes to have her around because she's easy."

"Yeah, no kidding. Trying to get my husband into bed with her within days of our wedding?"

"Would have been hours but you know, you two went to the resort." Jim jokes, I know he trying to lighten things up.

"That is not even funny, Jim."

"It is a little, come on. We told you before we went to the Caribbean, and I know you and Tiffany had a chat too. She's a tramp, she would love to break you up. Even as complicated as John is, he is very wealthy, good looking, in our world he is a prime target for gold-diggers."

"Yeah, well, he was never short of women when he worked at County either. That surgeon he called to help Ryan? She would leap tall buildings for him, I swear. In case you hadn't figured it out, he had an affair with her when she worked there."

"Oh, we figured it out, she was a rebound from you dumping him. But that was years ago, if it bothers you that he talks to her, you should tell him."

"No, we've talked about it, Jim. She's a very nice woman, and she is not a home wrecker, she actually has morals and doesn't do married men."

"Good to know. He has never cheated on you, Susan. He loves you."

"Oh, like he told you that."

Jim looks over at me. "He did, actually. We were talking after Barbie and Phillipe left. He told Barbie she should dump the cheating bastard and she told him to mind his own business. We had a bit of a conversation about how you and Tiff would never put up with that kind of shit. In short, we've both had opportunity to cheat, but we haven't."

"He told you he'd had opportunity to cheat."

"Most men have, Susan, reality is, your husband is a catch, Trisha is not the first, nor will she be the last women to come on to John. If you can't handle that, you have a big problem. Don't you have men come on to you?"

"Not often, with the big ass diamonds on my hand? Most guys take one look at my rings and run. I think they must get intimidated, thinking that I'm high maintenance and just too damn expensive to keep around. Except the one guy at my reunion who thought they were costume jewellery until someone connected John's last name to the Symphony Hall. Then all hell broke loose."

Jim laughs. "Half a million well spent then. Spending all the money on jewellery is well worth it, keeps at least some of the men at bay. You are a beautiful woman, so I am sure there are men who would love to proposition you."

"Not as many as the women who seem to have slept with or want to sleep with my husband."

"We won't pretend that he is innocent or anything, he's dated his share of women, but he's never slept with Trisha, she would have announced that for sure. She would never let you forget it if she'd ever had sex with John, she is not discreet by any stretch. She would love to know she caused problems between you two. I don't know why she left the message, maybe she hoped you would hear it."

"So you think I should just take his word for it and let it go."

"Well, did he tell you he didn't sleep with her?"

"Yes, he said nothing happened."

"Do you trust him? He's not a very good liar you know."

"Fair point, he really isn't much of a liar. Okay, yes, I trust him, I love him, if he says he didn't, then I guess I have to take his word for it or call him a liar."

"Pretty much. There is no middle ground on this one, Susan. You believe him or you don't."

We lapse into silence for the rest of the drive. I don't think Jim would lie to me either, and my anger dissipates quickly. I know I have to apologize to John, I over reacted.

We get to the rental apartment, get the luggage and kids in, then Jim, John and Tiffany go to return the rental cars. Rachel, Louisa and I feed the kids and get baths done. The three arrive back with some food for the adults and we all sit and eat while the kids play and colour.

John and I have not really spoken since we arrived, he has been avoiding me, and that bothers me. He is upset, I can see it in his eyes, and maybe he doesn't know what to say to me. I accused him of cheating, and I walked away from him before we finished our conversation.

I wait until he has to go into our bedroom to get something and I follow him in and shut the door. He turns at the sound of the door clicking shut, but he says nothing, we look at each for a long moment. He leans back against the dresser and waits.

"You're not going to talk to me?" I sit on the side of the bed.

"What am I supposed to say? I was trying to talk to you and the first chance you got, you took off. I guess you believe me or you don't, you trust me or you don't. Nothing happened, I didn't ask her to call me and leave that message on my phone."

"I wish you had told me, John."

"So you can get all crazy? Like you did today? I just don't know what to do sometimes, do you actually think that I would sleep with Trisha? Not if she was the last woman on earth, Susan, she is a little conniving tramp, who enjoys stirring shit up. What else can I say to you, you want to phone and ask Dave?"

I shake my head. "No, I don't. I'm sorry." I say this softly. "I over reacted, if you say nothing happened, then I believe you. I love you." I walk over and step into his arms, which he wraps around me. We stand there hugging for quite a long time.

"I think we have really big issues. Everything is fine, then the littlest thing just pushes us right over the edge. I love you, but I need you to trust me. You say you do, then something like this happens and you lose it."

"Yeah, well the thought of my husband having sex with another woman kind of does that to me."

He sighs. "Except I didn't, you just let your imagination run away with you. I think we should go talk to someone when we get home, you have to get over the every man is going to cheat on you syndrome or we are not going to make it another year. I can't deal with you being so upset with me all the time."

I look up into his eyes. "You think we should?"

"Yes, I do. Whether we do it separately, or as a couple, or maybe both, I think we need it. Marriage should not be this hard, I love you, why does this have to be so damn difficult."

"I don't know, I love you too, and we have so much that is good. I would be willing to talk to someone, if you want me to, John. I'm sorry for walking away, I was upset, and I didn't deal with this properly."

"When we get home then. We have to find better ways of dealing with stuff that comes up, we are always fighting about something lately, and then it's great for a couple weeks, then it's something else. I guess Carol was right."

"Carol? As in Carol Hathaway?"

"That would be the one. She told me one day, it will always be something, and I guess there is always something, but there must be a way to deal with it that doesn't put us into a tailspin each and every time. It hurts too much, wondering if this is the time it's going to be over."

"It's not over."

"Yeah, well it sure could have been, if you really thought I slept with Trisha, you are going to put up with that? I doubt it Susan, I had no idea what you were thinking. Cheating is a deal breaker in my books, if I found out you were screwing around, I wouldn't be able to deal with it. I doubt you would have much tolerance for it either."

"I have zero tolerance for cheating, you know that. But I know you didn't, so let's try and get past this." I reach up and kiss him, and he kisses me back.

He takes my hand and we finally go back out. I know Jim is watching us, Tiffany seems to know something is up but I am not sure if John told her about the message from Trisha. We all sit around and talk and end up watching a movie, as we are tired from the drivee. John is playing absently with my rings as we sit, I feel comforted by his constant contact. I snuggle up to him and doze off slightly as we watch the movie.

I feel his arms around me as he lifts me off the couch and I recognize that the movie is over and everyone is going to bed. I keep my eyes closed and let him carry me to our room, and tuck me into bed. I bury my head in my pillow and let myself drift until I feel his weight sink into the mattress beside me.

I scoot over so I am cuddled up against him.

"So you are awake." His voice is soft.

"Just barely." I give him a deep kiss, his response is warm and passionate, and we start to remove the little bit of clothing we are wearing. I am suddenly very awake, and tonight is just all about physical release, hot make up sex.

"Wow that was kind of hot." I lay with my head on his chest catching my breath.

"Mmmm, it was. I hate the fighting, but the makeup sex is great."

I giggle a bit. "Maybe we should just have makeup sex instead of fighting."

"I think I feel an argument coming on right now." He grabs me and kisses me soundly.

We don't get a whole lot of sleep, and I am still a little groggy by the time we arrive at the breakfast table at 8 am the next morning. John got up and met Rachel at 6 AM as usual, he looks perfectly fine, I really don't know how he gets by on so little sleep.

Tiffany gives me a little smirk, and puts a cup of coffee in front of me. "I think you need this."

"Thanks, I'm still a bit tired for some reason."

"Uh huh, I just bet." She whispers as Rachel goes to put her books away.

John and Jim make everyone breakfast, then we set out for a bit of sightseeing, this is our last day in Europe.

Dave arrives as we are ready to head out for dinner on Wednesday, John lets him drop off his stuff and invites him to come out with us. We take the kids back and get them all in bed, then leave Rachel and Louisa in charge, the adults go out for the evening.

The next morning we have cars pick us all up and we arrive at the airport private hangers. I can see Dave's mouth drop open as he realizes that we have a plane all to ourselves. I am not sure what he expected, but he is impressed I can tell.

He whispers to John. "A private jet?"

"Uh huh. We have 11 people, well 12 with you, so it just makes sense. Anyway, Jim's dad owns it."

"A Gulfstream. Seriously."

"Yeah, we have used it a few times, his dad has owned private planes for years. We used to come out to ski in the Alps every winter, flying in on his plane."

"Wow, this is really neat. I wasn't sure what to expect, but I really appreciate the ride home."

The crew loads all the luggage as we get the kids aboard and settled. Dave looks like a kid in a candy store, the rest of us are all relaxed and casual, and I am starting to feel very spoiled, I am used to riding in a private jet. I lean against John.

"This has been a really incredible trip, John. Thank you." I give him a very warm kiss, I have to appreciate my husband, he has spoiled us to no end this trip.

Dave starts to chat up Louisa, he is such a flirt. John gives him a look with narrowed eyes, and later he whispers to Dave. "If she quits because of you, I will hunt you down and kill you."

"Why?"

"She's our nanny, Dave. No fooling around with our nanny or I will kill you. She is not easily replaced and Susan is going back to work in a month. I'm not kidding, step away from the nanny."

Dave laughs at this. "Right. No problem man, I get it."

From what I hear, Dave was always after the women, he is roughly John's age, with no apparent inclination to settle down. He never really dated anyone long term he was more about the notches on the bedpost.

The flight home goes smoothly, and Dave is further surprised by the limos that arrive to take us home. Customs comes out and we go through the drill as the drivers load the luggage. We say goodnight to Jim and Tiffany as theirs is loaded and they depart. John and I have two cars and it takes a bit longer to load up, but we are soon on our way. John takes Dave and Rachel with him in his, and drops Dave off at home, and Rachel at Elizabeth's on their way back so he arrives a bit later than me with the two girls, but not too much longer.

Millicent is thrilled we are back, and after we get the kids settled in for the night, we show her some picture and visit for a while before crawling into our own comfortable bed.

The next day we all sleep in, though John and I are up much earlier than the girls. We have breakfast and visit with Millicent. The girls are still sleeping when he takes my hand and we walk up to the stables. Frank has the new horses all tied up in the riding ring.

"Oh John, they are beautiful."

"They are." He approaches the first one carefully and holds out his hand, letting the horse get used to him for a moment, then he checks the animal over. He does this with each one. "Frank, you have outdone yourself. Any issues you have found with any of them?"

"No, I know the sellers of each horse, the vet has been out and gone over them, and I have been riding and socializing them with each other and I am very happy."

"Okay, I'm going to start with a ride on Galaxy then. Before Brooklynn shows up, I want to test him out."

I note that all of the horses have bridles, but none are saddled. John takes Galaxy to the mounting block and gets on, without bothering to saddle him up. He takes him for a bit of a ride around the ring.

Frank and I lean on the rails and watch. "Shouldn't he put on a saddle?"

"Oh he will in a few minutes, but bareback is a good way to get used to the horse, you can really feel how they move. John is a very good rider, he doesn't need a saddle to keep his seat on a horse. I think Brooklynn will like Galaxy, he's well trained already, and he's very smooth."

John comes over. "You want to double on him behind me?"

"No saddle?"

"Nope. He floats, this one. Come on." I get up behind him and wrap my arms around him. John takes Galaxy out and we go up the trail. I quite enjoy doubling behind him, leaning against his back with my arms around him.

"I have never ridden without a saddle."

"It's fun sometimes. The horses like it too, less weight when there is no saddle. Though this boy can take quite a bit of weight, he's a nice size animal. Fully grown."

We do a short gallop, and then go back to the barn. John rides each of the other horses, and then doubles me on Cairo, just like he did on Galaxy and we go for a short ride up the trail. On the way back he switches with me, and lets me handle the horse while he doubles behind me. I like having him double behind me as much as I loved being behind him on the horse. Maybe a little too much in fact, I am feeling a little sidetracked by his strong arms around me, the smell of his shampoo and aftershave and his firm chest against my back.

"Pay attention to what he is doing, don't let him get away with anything, especially the first time you are in control of him." John says this against my hair.

"Sorry, I'll pay attention. You're distracting me."

"Oh, am I? How so." He gives me a little kiss on my neck.

"Like that. Don't do that." Oh yes, I am enjoying being in his arms, funny how he can still create butterflies in my stomach and make my heart thump like I'm a teenage girl.

He just laughs then takes the reins from me, and schools the horse gently as I relax against his chest. This is unbelievably comfortable.

"Don't do this?" His lips brush the side of my neck.

"Pay attention to the horse."

"Oh, I am, don't you worry about that, I can pay attention to my wife just a little bit can't I? After all, you are nicely cuddled up to me, another advantage of doubling without a saddle with my beautiful wife."

I will give him that, I think I might want to ride like this just to cuddle with him.

We dismount and he gives me a kiss. "Okay, you can work with him in the ring for a bit if you want. Louisa is going to bring the girls up after lunch."

John helps me saddle Cairo, Frank has outfitted him with a brand new saddle that I have never seen before. "A new saddle too?"

"Yes, we made sure we got ones to fit the horses." He helps me adjust the stirrups, then we check the fit again and adjust, and finally he helps me up on the horse. I spend quite a while riding him around the ring, Frank has set up some cones and John encourages me to take the horse around them without knocking them down, which is actually easier said than done. But at the end of the hour I can do it easily and I am starting to relax. John in the meantime has saddled Galaxy and is working with him.

Frank has a low jump course set up and I have to stop and watch as John walks the horse through, then mounts and takes Galaxy through his paces. The jumps are not high, but he handles the horse expertly and is very smooth and confident. He then brings the horse back into the ring and does some of the same exercises I am doing.

He dismounts and has me bring in Cairo. Susie and Brooklynn arrive all dressed for riding. Frank has Farah ready for Susie, and Brooklynn gasps when she sees the new horses.

"Daddy! Daddy, daddy, there are more horses!"

"There are cuddle bug. Come meet Galaxy."

He lets her pet the horse, and after a few minutes he lifts her into the saddle, and leads the horse for her.

"I love him. He's nice, am I allowed to ride him by myself?"

"Let's put a line on him for the first ride, see how you do?"

Frank clips on a lunge line and John works with Brooklynn and Galaxy as Frank works with Susie on Farah. John has said nothing about Galaxy being her horse, not yet, but I see what he is doing. Brooklynn is clearly falling in love with the animal, while John is assessing how well she manages the horse.

I can see Frank frequently glancing over as well and observing how Brooklynn is handling the horse. He nods at John, and John removes the lunge line and lets her take the horse through the cones and do a few exercises off the line. She certainly has control and command of the horse, she is so much like her dad it almost hurts to watch. Brooklynn is so comfortable and skilled, yet she is only 6.

I watch Susie for a while and realize that she certainly is not as confident or in love with horses as Brooklynn. She is a good rider and she will probably enjoy it, but Brooklynn is the natural rider.

Finally he brings her in. "Well, what do you think of Galaxy?"

"I wish he was my horse, I love him."

"Would you like him to be yours?"

"Yes! He's pretty and he is so nice to ride, he's not as bouncy as the other horses."

"Well, guess what?"

"What daddy?" I can see her eyes glowing in anticipation, she already has this figured out.

"We bought him for you to ride, so he's yours."

"Really? I have my own horse? Thank you daddy!" She gives John a huge hug. She is practically bouncing with excitement as she wraps her arms around the horse's neck. The horse nickers softly but stands patiently as Brooklynn strokes his nose.

"So you have to take really good care of him, we are going to teach you all about what you need to do to keep your horse happy and healthy."

"So he's really mine? I get to ride him all the time?" She rests her forehead against the horse. "Hear that Galaxy? You're all mine!"

"Go say thanks to mommy, and to Frank. He is from mommy too, and Frank found him for you."

Brooklynn gives hugs and says thank you. Frank brings out the other 4 new horses and John introduces the girls to them, giving them time to pet and get the horses use to them. John makes a point of letting Susie spend some time with Xander.

"Susie, when you are ready, we will see how you like riding Xander." She looks a little scared about this, but John reassures her.

"Not until you are ready, okay? Frank, mommy or I will ride Xander, you can use Farah for as long as you like."

"Thanks daddy. I know Brooklynn needed a new horse since she doesn't have Marigold, but I want to keep Farah. I love riding Farah." She strokes Farah's soft neck, and you can see the bond she had made with the horse.

"Absolutely. She's a great horse, Susie, and if she suits you, then for sure you can keep riding her."

Susie seems content with the arrangements, after all she does have a beautiful animal to ride, and it doesn't seem to bother her in the least that Brooklynn is riding a new horse and she isn't. The two girls get along fabulously, but personality wise they are night and day almost. Brooklynn is bubbly and outgoing and a real daddy's girl. She reminds me of her dad more every day, I think she will be the one who likes to sail, travel and ride horses.

Susie loved the travelling, but she is a bit more studious than Brooklynn, much shyer, and very introspective. She is a bit more like me in a lot of ways, I wonder if biology plays a part in their personality.

We all go back to the house and have dinner and get the kids ready for bed.

John has an appointment with Justin in the morning to hear about the progress on the investigations, and then we are going to take the girls and get them new school uniforms and new riding clothes. They have grown so much over the summer.

"What do we do with the riding and school stuff?"

"Well, there is a children's charity that we will send it all to, it's all in such great shape that we can donate it for children who can't afford to purchase this kind of stuff. They use it for free camps for underprivileged and disabled kids, I should take you there sometime and let you see. Gamma supports a couple of children's charities that have these programs, at some point we should go volunteer for them."

It's true, the clothing has been worn, but the girls have quite a few sets of uniform clothing so they can wear clean things every day, and the riding outfits are high quality and well taken care of, I like the idea that some child who cannot afford it gets to experience riding and the joy of being around animals the same as my children do. We have a lot, but I have noticed that the Carter family is not wasteful with resources. Anything that is still good but not usable is donated, along with copious amounts of funds

"Why haven't you volunteered before?"

"Time mainly. Long shifts at the hospital, and of course it has only been a years since I truly finished Residency. Changing specialties cost me a year, the whole stabbing and addiction thing took another year out of my life and put me even further behind. Now I have my own kids that I want to spend time with, but as they all get bigger and into other things they will need us less."

"It will be quite some time before that truly happens, the twins aren't even a year old."

"I know, but we can spare a couple hours a month to volunteer, it is good for them to get used to the idea that just because we have money doesn't mean you can forget that some people don't. I want the kids to grow up more grounded. I know they are surrounded by kids with money at school, but that doesn't mean they have to grow up snobby and entitled."

I laugh a bit. "Ah, right. I suppose that's true, you have friends that aren't snobby and they certainly grew up with money. Where did you fit in on the money scale at school?"

"Honestly? Jim and I were the two richest kids in school, his family was the richest and mine the second. Part of the reason we became such good friends is how we viewed the whole money thing. Jim's dad is extremely rich, but he is truly a very nice and generous person, Jim I think learned it from him. For me it came from my grandparents to a certain extent, and other childhood influences. I learned early that money is nice, but it isn't the key to happiness by any stretch."

"So there were kids who had less money but who were very entitled?"

"Absolutely. There was a small group of us that hung around, we didn't feel the need to prove anything, but there were a lot who did. We were more focussed on getting the grades and getting into good schools under our owned power, while others counted on buying their way in. We were friendly to everyone, but didn't necessarily hang around with a lot of them all the time, we kept more to ourselves as we didn't want to get into some of the stuff going on."

"Like what? I mean you were in boarding school a lot of the time, what could go on there that was so bad?"

"You'd be surprised. We were still teenagers, more to the point, teenagers with a lot of money. Sex, drugs, alcohol, sneaking out to wild parties, and on occasion I swear some of the guys had hookers in the dorms."

"No way. Did you bring hookers into the dorm?"

"No, I have never hired a hooker, not my style. Anyways, don't kid yourself, just because we were in boarding school didn't mean there was no sneaking out or sneaking things in. A lot of kids got packages from home and you would not believe what was in some of them."

"I don't want to know. What were in your packages from home?"

"Nothing, because my parents never sent anything. They were too busy off jet setting to care what I was doing." He sees the way I am looking at him. "Don't worry about it, I wasn't the only kid at boarding school who was there because their parent couldn't be bothered."

"Still, I'm sorry. I can't imagine what that must have been like."

"No fun, but whatever." John brushes it off. "Seriously don't even think about it, okay? You know my childhood was messed up in a lot of ways."

John is up early the next morning and drives in for his appointment. I get up a bit later then drive the girls into town and we get some of our shopping done then John takes us all for lunch. He fills me on the progress, he is not quite ready to go back to work, but things are moving along.

We visit a tack shop and they outfit the girls with new riding garb, then it is time to go home.

The next day, John goes to meet Jim for a sail on the lake, but I decide to stay home, I am not feeling great this morning. Still a little tired and jet lagged, I am enjoying some quiet time on the patio as Frank has the girls up at the stables and the twins are sleeping.

"Dr. Lewis? Phone for you." Henry steps out onto the patio.

"Thank Alger." I take the phone from his outstretched hand. "Hello."

"Susan."

"Mom? Hi, how are you?"

"Good, good, I was hoping you'd call when you got back."

"Well, we just got back a day ago, I am just recovering from jetlag."

"Well, I hope you had a good trip. There is someone here who wants to talk to you."

"Oh? Who's that?"

"Your sister."

"Chloe?"

"Do you have more than one sister? Of course Chloe, Susan, don't be crazy."

"I didn't know she was back."

"Well, she went back to San Antonio and found her husband Joe was dead. Then she went to County to see if she could find you, and they wouldn't give her any information, so she came to see us. She wants her daughter."

"Mom, she cannot take Susie."

"Why not Susan, Susie is her child."

"Not anymore, mom. She left her, abandoned her, she has been gone well over a year now, she can't just come back and think it's all okay."

"Well, she wants her daughter." I can hear Chloe's strident voice in the back ground and then her voice comes over the line

"Susan, where is my daughter."

"She's safe and well, Chloe, you don't need to worry about Susie." I try to keep my voice calm.

"I want her, you better bring her here, right now."

"No."

"Susan, you can't keep her, I am going to send the police to get her."

"Go ahead. We have legal custody of Susie, the police won't take her away."

"We? Who in the hell is we Susan. You are shacked up with some guy and you have my daughter."

"I'm not shacked up with some guy. I'm married, didn't mom tell you?"

"No. Bring me my daughter, right now."

I sigh, I am going to have to deal with this. "How about we meet somewhere and talk? I'm not bringing her, but I'll bring a picture, okay?"

"A picture? Right, like that's enough. But fine, let's meet."

We arrange to meet for coffee at a diner not too far from my parents place. I know I have to phone John.

I dial his cell phone as quickly as possible. "Pick up, John, please pick up."

"Hello?" His voice sounds crackly and is breaking up.

"John, Chloe's here."

"Susan? I can't hear you, we are in the middle of the lake."

"John, Chloe is here."

"I'm going to call you back, this connection is bad." I hear the phone click and I wait anxiously for a moment until the phone rings.

"John?"

"Susan. What's going on, I couldn't hear a word you said."

"Chloe is here."

"At the house?" He sounds a little worried.

"No, in Chicago, she is demanding Susie back."

"She can't have her. Not after what she has done."

"I know, I am going to meet her for a coffee to talk, where are you?"

"In the middle of the lake, on Jim's boat. When are you going?"

"Half an hour."

"I wish you had waited, call her back and reschedule. Don't go alone, Susan, wait for me." He sounds anxious, I am not sure he needs to be so worried, this is my sister.

"How long?" Maybe I can put her off for a couple hours.

I can hear muffled talking. "Jim is going to head back to the Marina, so a couple hours by the time we get back and dock, and I can get home."

"Okay, meet me at the diner." I give him the address and then phone back to my parents' house. I manage to just catch Chloe and tell her I need a bit more time and put her off for two hours.

I am nervous as I get into the car, I haven't seen my sister forever. This is going to be really difficult, and I hope John can get there quickly. I really need him on my side, Chloe has always been able to get to me. She's my sister, I love her and I can't stand to see her in pain.

But I love my niece more, and I can't stand the thought that she could be hurt again.

I arrive at the diner and John's car is nowhere in sight. I phone his cell, but he doesn't answer so I can only hope he will be here soon. I sigh as I go in, my mom is sitting with Chloe at the booth. Great. Ganging up on me? My mom has always been firmly on my sisters' side, no matter how Chloe screws up, she is always forgiven, where my mom condemns me for everything.

Chloe got pregnant and abandons her child, it's all okay. I get pregnant and raise my child alone for 4 years, and all I get is the lecture on why the hell I let her very rich father walk away. I try to take care of my niece and I get a lecture on how she is Chloe's child.

I slide into the booth just as my phone rings. I hit the answer button, I really hope it's John. "Hey sweetie, I'll be there in five minutes. Don't go in without me."

"I just got here, come on in when you arrive, my mom and Chloe are both here already."

"Your mom? Hang tight, don't let them railroad you, I will be there." His voice is reassuring. "I love you, it's going to be okay."

"I love you too." I click the off button and order a cup of coffee.

"Chloe, how have you been? Where have you been?" I try to keep my voice level and even.

Chloe fidgets with her fork but is not really looking at me directly. "Doesn't matter. I want my daughter, you have no right to keep her."

"Chloe, you left her. Again. I have been taking care of her."

"But she's my daughter." Her eyes come up to meet mine, puffy and red rimmed. Her pupils are almost pinpoints and I wonder what she is on. She's not even clean and she thinks I am going to hand Susie over to her.

I am ready to hyperventilate. Mom hasn't told her?

I feel a warm hand on my shoulder and look up, John is right beside me. I slide over in the booth and he sits and waves down the waitress, ordering a soda. He looks wind swept but he is a sight for sore eyes, I am so relieved, who else would drop everything like that and come to my rescue.

"Cookie, Chloe, nice to see you."

My sister stares at John. "I know you."

"Yes, Chloe, you do. John Carter, remember? I'm your sister's husband." I can tell he is taking her in and has immediately come to the same conclusion as I have. Chloe is high.

"Yeah, but you worked with her in the hospital, you were in the room when Susie was born. You were in New York too."

"Right, I was. What have you been up to for the last year?"

"None of your business, I am just here because I want my daughter back. I have a job in California and I want to take her with me."

John looks her straight in the eye. "What are you taking?"

My mom shoots a look at John. "She just said she was taking her daughter to California. You better get her and hand her over."

John frowns at my mother. "No. Absolutely no way in hell is your stoned, drug addicted daughter taking Susie. She has no legal right and I won't allow it."

Chloe's eyes darken in fury. "You won't allow it? No legal right? I'm her mother, just try to stop me."

"Oh, don't worry, I will stop you. Susie is no longer your daughter. Did Cookie mention that we adopted Susie several months ago? She's my daughter now. And Susan's. You gave up your rights when you walked out on her, over a year ago."

Chloe stares at him. "What? She is not your daughter, she's mine."

"The law says she is mine, so, I suggest if you ever want to see Susie again, you get into a rehab program and get clean. Then and only then will you be allowed to see her. And only for supervised visits, she lives with us and that is where she stays. Hell will freeze over before I allow you to take her away from us." He says this firmly, in a flat no nonsense voice. He is not going to be argued with, and I am so glad he is here. I reach over and take his hand, squeezing it tightly. I feel him squeeze it back, but he keeps eye contact with Chloe.

Cookie is watching all of this, her eyes bouncing between John and Chloe.

"John, be reasonable. Chloe gave birth to her, Susie will always be Chloe's daughter. Now, we appreciate that you and Susan have taken care of her for a while, but her mom is here now, so we need her returned."

John gives Cookie one of those looks like she has lost her mind. I have been on the receiving end of one of these looks, and it is not a comfortable spot to be. Cookie clamps her mouth shut, John can always shut her down, and he knows they are trying to gang up on me.

Chloe starts to cry. "I need my daughter, you can't be so heartless as to take my daughter." She sobs and dabs at her eyes with a napkin.

"That isn't going to work on me." John sits back and crosses his arms and looks unimpressed by the water works.

Damn, it was working on me, my heart is aching for my sister. She could always worm her way into my heart, but John is not buying it. I would be waffling by now, but my husband is standing firm, and I am so glad he is here, he will not be talked into anything he doesn't want to do. I on the other hand might be, when it comes to my family, I have weak spots and Chloe knows how to play them. She always did, and I always forgave her, even when she stole things from my apartment and sold them to buy drugs.

Chloe keeps sobbing and dabbing at her eyes. "I need my baby. She's all I have. Suze, you can't take away the only thing I have, Joe is gone, little Susie is all I have left." I can't speak, I feel a tear dribble down my cheek, and Chloe sees it and pounces. "You know I'm right, she's my baby. You have your own daughter."

Cookie sees my weakness and goes into attack mode. "She has 3 babies now, Brooklynn and the twins, Hailey and Aiden. She doesn't need Susie, she can give her up and you can have your baby back."

"No." John says this vehemently. "Cookie, I think you should go out and wait in the car. You have no business even being in this conversation. You don't want what's best for Susie, you would just hand over a child to a stoned drug addict. Susan and I didn't take Susie in because we needed her, we took her in because we love her and she needed us."

Cookie huffs. "You will not tell me what to do, just because you are a high and mighty Carter doesn't give you the right to tell me what to do, especially when it comes to my granddaughter. She isn't yours."

"Oh, but she is. Go and ask the State of Illinois who is listed as the adopted parents of Susie. This has nothing to do with my family, and everything to do with Susie. We adopted her legally, after her mother abandoned her for at least the third time. You both have a lot of nerve showing up here demanding her back and you are not getting her. My offer stands, Chloe, get yourself cleaned up and we can talk about visitation, but until then you won't even get near her." John stands and drops some cash on the table to clear the bill. He holds his hand out to me. "Cookie, you haven't even noticed that Chloe is stoned, right at this very minute. I bet if we lifted those sleeves we would see some pretty nice track marks. She hasn't made any effort, yet you would support her taking your grandchild to California. She can't even take care of herself, let alone a child. I don't want to hear from you, unless you can support us in keeping Susie safe."

I stand and he takes my hand, leading me out of the diner as both Cookie and Chloe sit in stunned silence. John opens the driver door and gets me buckled in. "Are you okay?"

I nod tearfully but he can see I'm not.

"Follow me, we need to get out of here, but you are not in any shape to drive home right now." He brushes the hair off my face. "Susan? Are you listening?"

"Yes, okay." I watch as he gets into his car, and I follow him for a few blocks, then he pulls into a parking lot of a decent looking restaurant. I pull into the spot beside him and he opens my door before I can gather my purse up. He locks the door and leads me in, we are soon seated at a booth. He sits close beside me and puts an arm around my shoulders.

"Hey, it's okay."

"I am so glad you showed up when you did, I can't handle them, why does Cookie do that?"

"Which part?"

"Support Chloe. It's always about Chloe. When I told her I was pregnant with Brooklynn she acted like it was a huge crime, and I never hear the end of it. She never helped me at all. I have tried to help Susie for years, and Chloe can be drunk or high or leave her child, yet she can just drop back into her daughter's life and I'm just supposed to smile and hand her over? I get the fact that she's not our biological daughter, but we do try to treat her like our child."

"I know baby, I can see how Cookie tries to get to you, this isn't the first time I've witnessed it. Believe me, I get it, my mom pulls similar crap with me, and it is hard to take. I hate to say it, but it's time to cut them out until they can support what we are doing for Susie."

"They're my family, John, the only family I've got. I don't have a ton of cousins or anyone else, how can I do that?"

"It's not easy and at the end of the day it's your choice, but I hate to see it when they try to manipulate you like that. The minute Chloe thought she got to you, both she and Cookie went into full attack mode. I could see it happen, and it's not fair to you."

"You noticed?"

"Yes, that's why we left. Neither of them were going to listen to a word we had to say, they were going to try and press their points until you gave in to them. So I got you out of there. I understand psychological warfare on the family level, and they were about to bring out the big guns. I can't stand to watch it, I have been on the receiving end of it with my own family, I know it when I see it."

I turn and wrap my arms around him and burrow into his chest. His arms slide around me without a word and he holds me while I cry. I have never had a man in my life who understood so perfectly what my family is like. I remember taking both Div and Brad to meet them and they both acted like I was exaggerating and being a drama queen about how my mom always supports my sister so much more than she ever supported me. Div was a psychiatrist and even he couldn't see it. John sees it, and I know he really does get it.

I can hear the waitress approach. "Is she okay?"

John says softly. "She's fine." He orders us both drinks and asks the waitress to leave the menu and give us a few minutes.

"How do you understand this so well, everyone else thinks I'm making it up?"

"You forget what family I come from Susan. My grandfather was the puppeteer, that's what Chase and I used to call him. He would make everyone dance to his tune, pull the strings, punish you if you didn't do what he wanted. Chase bowed to the pressure, he should have refused to join the family business and become the artist he always wanted to be, but he ended up working in the corporate world and he wasn't ever truly happy. I had a narrow escape, they humoured me, and they let me get a medical degree so I could outgrow the phase as they called it. My grandmother even asked me at one point to finish my residency and then do what I was supposed to do, get in line so I could take over the Foundation."

"Right, your family is just as crazy as mine."

"Maybe even crazier."

"What are we going to do John, she is going to take a run at getting her back."

"So let her. She has no hope, none. I bet we can pay our lawyer longer than she can pay hers. The law is on our side anyway, any judge will take a look at everything and tell her to get thee hell out of their courtroom. She abandoned her child and we legally adopted her. We are providing her a stable loving home, she goes to school, has siblings, activities, travel, everything she will ever need as long as she is with us. She has a mom and a dad, with Chloe she has nothing, a drug addict mother who has abandoned her numerous times and drops back into her life, still using drugs. Probably heroin, right?"

"Yes, very likely heroin. You are so calm about this, you don't mind paying the legal bills out of your money."

"Out of our money, Susan. You know that the money is yours too, not just mine. The minute we got married, it all became yours too, and we both made the choice to adopt Susie. Of our own free will, knowing that Chloe could take a run at us when she found out, if she ever came back. I know what I signed up for, and I am not scared of following through on it, not in the least."

"I love you so much John Carter. We have had our moments, but I love you so, so much. I feel like you will always be there when I need you. You understand what I am going through."

"I love you too, and I intend to be there for you, always. I don't take the commitment we made to each other lightly Susan, I hope you have figured that out. I have everything I never had growing up, you and our family make me happy, and I wouldn't give that up so easily."

"I know, John. Thank you all the same, I would not have been able to handle them without you. Chloe knows how to get to me."

"Sure she does, she's your sister. Barbie knows how to push my buttons too, but I am getting much tougher with her and you need to be tougher with Chloe."

I think about that as we eat some dinner, then I follow John back to the house.


	58. Chapter 58

I wake up and Susan is entangled with me, I love mornings like this, when I feel so connected to her. It has not been easy, that is for sure, I don't know why marriage is so damn hard. I know I probably have more baggage than average, but this is ridiculous, some woman leaves a voice message and I am immediately cheating?

Rachel was confused, she is a bright girl and could see that Susan was really upset about something. We drove in silence for a while, I was busy trying to concentrate on the road. I hear Rachel sigh, and I brace myself for what is coming.

"So what did you do?" She settles back in the seat and sips her water, giving me little glances out of the corner of her eye.

"What makes you think I did anything?" I am a bit annoyed with her, a woman gets upset and immediately the guy is at fault? All I did was commit the crime of having a woman leave me a voice mail. A suggestive voice mail, but _I_ didn't ask her to phone, and I have no interest in starting anything up with her either. Trisha knows I am married, but she persists with the flirting.

"Susan was crying, she wanted to switch cars, so I just assumed that you did something to upset her."

"No, I didn't _do_ anything, Rachel. And I don't want to talk about it either, okay? This is between me and her." I know I am being a bit sharp with her, but my frustration level is through the roof. I felt the same with Jim, I am tired of everything between Susan and I being so damn public. I know he wants to help, but honestly? Susan and I need to resolve our own issues without everyone sticking their noses in. It is just not helping, I want my wife to talk to me, to trust me, and she just walked away.

I also didn't think it was appropriate to discuss with Rachel, so I told her not to worry about it. I know I was very quiet, and on edge for the rest of the drive in, but Rachel chattered on about things which was pleasant, she kept my mind off the fact that my wife might be contemplating filing for divorce by the time we got back to Chicago.

By some miracle, Susan decided to believe me, though I know she probably had a talk with Jim in the car. She will believe me after someone corroborates, but doesn't want to just believe me? I know I am harbouring a bit of resentment about this, but for now? I will take it, this is not the time or the place to get into a big fight about it. I love Susan, I don't want to be without her, but I know it is time to get some professional help. It seems like people have it in for us, I don't know why. I finally find a woman I love, but I can't catch a break, the forces of the universe are working against us.

Things seem to be on track again, at least until the next big blowout which I am sure will be coming at some point. I am losing faith that I can ever have a drama free life. All I want is to be happy with my wife and children.

At least Brooklynn is happy and not treating Susan like a pariah, Justin has resolved most of the legal issues and Rosen has left a message asking me to come in so we can discuss getting me back to work, and the new horses are working out great. Some of the issues are resolving themselves and I start to relax just a bit. Huge mistake.

Chloe finally reappears and Susan is understandably upset by her mother's support of Chloe, rather than of her. She has done so much for Susie, her parents have barely lifted a finger, yet when Chloe shows up they roll out the red carpet and demand we hand her over.

Not happening, ever. Cookie still just does not get it, she is now Susie _Carter,_ our daughter, and we are not giving her up. I meant what I said, if Chloe can get it together and get clean, then sure, we can let her visit, but to just reappear, all cranked up on heroin and demand she get Susie back? No chance that is ever happening.

I disentangle myself and go down to the office. I do a bit of paperwork and pick up some messages. I have one that surprises me. Luka Kovac?

 _'_ _Carter, I am going to the Congo on an Alliance mission, and we can always use doctors. Can we meet? I would like to discuss a volunteer opportunity with you.'_

Luka and I have never been that close, he never really got the importance of Abby not drinking, one or two beer being okay in his view. I don't think he really got that she was an alcoholic, and then of course there was a point where I wanted to date Abby, and she had broken up with Luka. At least she tried to make me think that _she_ broke up with Luka for me, but I heard the truth, Luka dumped her for some reason.

The nurses know everything, especially Haleh and Chuny. Haleh is a bit like a mother to me sometimes, I have known her forever and she gave me a little heads up on the Luka/Abby situation, so I didn't jump when Abby told me she was waiting for something to happen between us. She was still showing a lot of concern about what Luka was doing, worried about him dating Nicole, and I knew she was not over him. I didn't want to be the convenient rebound guy.

Sure, I have had relationships myself that were rebound, but I was at a point in my life where I was trying to find _the one._ A woman who I could spend my life with and that means avoiding obvious rebound relationships. In the end, I am relieved I did avoid getting involved with Abby, she can be amazing, but she also has a dark side that is not so attractive.

I might have missed out on getting back together with Susan, being a father, and so much else. Susan is a far better match for me, everyone can see it. She fits, even though we have our rough spots, I can talk to her, we have fun, she wants the family life, where Abby is always so damn moody and closed off, hiding under her black cloud of negativity. She would never have worked with my friends and the social expectations either, she barely owns a dress, doesn't like getting dressed up and going out. She also was not wild about having a family, and I have always wanted one. My kids are my daily joy, I love spending time with them and I could never be happy without them.

She was a good friend for a while, but then she turned when it suited her, when she needed something, she used me to get it. And caused chaos in my life. Like I need more chaos.

I leave a message for Luka, telling him I am still off work so let me know when he is off shift and we can meet for coffee. I call Peter, tell him we're back and then Rosen, leaving another message about setting up a meeting with him.

I play the rest of my messages.

 _'_ _John, it's Abby. I wanted to thank you so much for the goodies, I have no idea how you got all that back from Italy, but I have really enjoyed it all, especially the wine from Elba. I was kidding about having you bring some back, but it was wonderful. Thank you. I did a follow up on McKenna, and she is doing well, if you ever have any other patients you need a consult on, please let me know. I will always be around for you. Take care, and let me know how the trip was, I want to see some pictures, especially of your lovely family.'_

I have to smile, Abby is a sweet woman, and I have to admit she will always hold a special place in my heart too. She is now someone I consider a close friend, and I want to keep in touch with her. Susan has been surprisingly receptive to Abby, I guess she can truly see that there are no romantic feelings there.

 _'_ _John, it's Justin, we just got word that you are cleared on both accounts, and you are reinstated. I am happy we have a successful resolution.'_

 _'_ _Hi there, John, it's Anna. Anna Del Amico. I am going to be in Chicago for a few days in early September and was hoping we could get together for coffee? Or lunch? I realized when I saw you, how much I miss our friendship, I hope you can call me back. Thanks John!'_

I write down the number and check my watch. Still a bit early for social phone calls, so I will get back to her later..

 _'_ _Hey buddy, it's Ryan. I wanted to thank you again for your help and hopefully we can get together before too long. I wish we had been able to join you guys on the trip, Alysha was pretty sad she missed hanging out with the girls too, so playdate for them? I think Angie was going to call Susan too, I heard you got back just a couple days ago. Call me back.'_

 _'_ _John, it's Cookie. I am very disappointed that you are standing in the way of Chloe resuming responsibility for Susie. We need to get the child back to her mother and I expect you to see reason.'_

I just have to shake my head at that one. Really Cookie? Chloe was high, and you couldn't see it.

I pick up the phone and leave a message for Abby. I would love to have a few minutes to chat with her, she will always be a friend. Next call is to Justin, I think him for his work, and fill him in on the Chloe and Susie situation. He is not worried at all, the law is for sure on our side.

I call Ryan and let him know I will check with Susan and we would love to have them over for dinner, then I call Anna.

"Hello?" Her familiar voice is soft and sweet. I had such a thing for her at one time, and she kind of broke my heart when she left to get back with Max. The drug addict. How ironic is that? Now I'm a drug addict too, though Anna doesn't know.

"Anna, how are you?"

"John? I thought you would never call me back."

"Well, it has been a bit crazy here, we just got back from holidays, and we have a lot going on. But let me know when you are going to be in Chicago, I would love to get a visit in with you."

"Well, I will be in town in mid-September." She gives me the dates and I put them in my calendar.

"Great, I am sure we can work something out."

We chat about inconsequential things for a few minutes then I sign off.

I pick up Lucy's diary, I haven't had any time to read it lately and I want to get through it so I can put it out of my mind, or discover what Barbara Knight was so wanting me to know.

I grab a bagel and some coffee and go out to relax on the patio, everyone is pretty much still sleeping.

I skim through a bit of stuff about friends and a few conversations with her mom. Nothing much earth shattering there.

_I spent the day working with Dr. Ross, he is kind of fun to be around, a lot less grumpy than Carter, though he is being much nicer to me now. Carter had to be a tour guide today, his shoulder is still immobilized after the dislocation so he is on light duty. He is still dating Roxanne. She was mad about the whole making her sail by herself, but of course she forgave him, I mean who wouldn't? He's kind of sweet and adorable._

_I notice that Weaver seems to know Roxanne quite well, and he lives in her basement apartment, so that means she is staying at his place, probably most nights he is off shift. I don't like to think about it too much, but I was hoping she would be so mad she would dump him. No such luck._

_My mom really wants me to come home for Christmas, but of course I can't, I have to work. It totally turns out to be a great shift though. Carter brings me a Christmas present, but he says I can't open it until Christmas day. So sweet, I didn't buy him a thing, but he doesn't seem to care._

_Then Christmas Eve, Carter tries to save a boy that came in, the mom was devastated, but the boy had an aneurysm_ _. Perfectly healthy and absolutely no warning. Carter tried to get the mom to donate organs and it turns out he had a very rare blood type. Later on, a girl comes in needing an organ, and oddly enough, she is the same rare blood type. Carter thinks it is some kind of miracle, and really it kind of is, what are the odds that this will happen? Only problem is, the mom doesn't want to donate, and Carter really goes out on a limb to save the boy. He is really upset and disappointed, and I have to agree, so I get a bit sneaky and introduce the mom of the boy to the parents of the girl. The mom finally agrees and the girl gets the transplant._

_I love the smile I get from Carter when I tell him that the miracle is going to happen after all. He really is a good person, and though he is sad for the mom who has lost her son, he is also happy that another life has been saved. So arbitrary, isn't it? How one person dies and another lives? I have to wonder, we see so much it makes me sad, but today was a good day, we saved lives._

That was a good ending, not an easy day, but the girl got her transplant and Lucy did a great job that night.

_I open the gift from Carter, and it is a beautiful pendant, it looks expensive, how does he afford this kind of stuff? He also has replaced his Jeep somehow, I guess he did have insurance. I look at the pendant for a long time before I put it on, it is in inscribed and I know he is referencing our fight to save Corinna. And I see how true the words ring as I think about our Christmas Eve miracle. I am trying not to read too much into the gift, but it was awfully sweet of him._

_Another busy day in the ER, I am not sure I like the new ER Chief, there is something funny about her. While we are getting ready for a mass casualty, a kind of cute surgical resident, Dale asks me out. Carter gets weird about that, I don't understand, but he keeps trying to make excuses as to why I shouldn't go out with Dale. I get the feeling they don't much like each other, but hey, I can't date my supervisor and it will make my friends happy so I do eventually go out with him. He's okay, but no Carter, that is for sure._

_I don't see Carter for a few days, I am busy with a surgical rotation. Benton is tough, how in the world did Carter ever survive 3 years of working with Benton? I will never know, he must be even better than I thought!_

I can't help but laugh, yup, Benton was no picnic, he was tough to work for.

The next few pages say nothing much, just the usual bits about work and plans to visit her mom.

_Wow, today was amazing! It started out pretty normal, Carter supervising me, and I swear I caught him staring at my ass. Chuny agrees, he was checking me out. I was a bit surprised until I realized he had been talking to Dale. Dale has been trying to get me to have sex with him, but I just am not that attracted for some reason._

_So I stitch up this kick boxing instructor and she shows a few of us some moves, I go to do a kick and end up kicking Carter right in the chest as he is coming in the door. He is flat on his back, and I feel pretty bad about it. We end up doing an x-ray on his chest, and I actually think I broke his ribs. He just gets better from the dislocation, he is taking medication to make sure he doesn't get TB from the day we chased Nelson, and now I have kicked him in the chest._

_He is in Exam 6 and I bring in the X-rays, he is sitting and I notice that he has a cut on his head. He thinks he hit it with the chart, ouch. So I clean it up for him, and he says 'Ouch.' I have to tease him, that doesn't hurt, but he says 'ouch' again, and I cannot help myself, I call him 'baby', then kiss his forehead. 'Is that better?' I tease him. He play along and says 'Much.'_

_I am so close to him, I can smell his aftershave, he smells so good, and he is looking extra cute today. He is looking at me and he can see the look in my eyes I am sure. He starts to shake his head and says that he's a doctor, I'm a student, and we shouldn't be doing this. But I kiss him anyways. Oh my goodness. This guy can really kiss, it gets a little steamy in exam 6. I quickly lock the door and pull him down with me, it's a bit like that game 7 minutes in heaven…or is it 3? Oh who cares, it is a hot few minutes, I want to just take his clothes off and have my way with him. His hands are so gentle, I can feel his touch and kisses all the way down to my toes._

_But he stops before I get the chance to do much more than kiss those luscious lips and feel that tight ass. He is very much concerned that it is very wrong for us to be doing what we are doing in that Exam room. He starts to straighten up his clothes and just in time, Chuny knocks at the door, and then we realize I only locked one door. We lock it quickly, and Chuny is immediately suspicious. So Carter goes out one door, and I go out the other, but Chuny notices my sweater is on inside out. Damn, she is too sharp._

_It takes less than an hour and EVERYONE is talking about it. And then someone notices his neck, and he is not happy, I bit him and it is very noticeable. He is kind of irate for the next few hours, Chuny told everyone and he has to deny anything happened. He really could be fired, and I am sad we had to stop. I would have liked to take him for a test drive, but nope, thwarted. But he knows I am not a little girl that is for sure. Oh well, maybe I will have my chance again, I might just invite him over to my place, everyone has sex in the dorms, and I couldn't really go to his place, if Weaver caught us she would flip. And he's been there with Roxanne, I would not want to have sex with him on the same sheets. No way._

I cringe a bit, her mother read this? I read on for a while, nothing much again for a couple pages.

_Carter is kind of upset today, he had a ride along in the ambulance. I don't know the whole story, but one of the Paramedics he was riding along with was shot. Rumours abound of course, I heard that Carter thought the bullets were meant for him. The Paramedic was similar in height, hair colour and build, so it is possible. Carter ended up running someone over, they were being mobbed in the ambulance and the driver couldn't get back in, the other Paramedic was injured and bleeding so Carter had to drive. The mob had pushed a boy down directly in front of the ambulance, so he was not at all visible. The shooting was apparently retribution and I can see he blames himself. The Paramedic died from multiple GSW, all I can think is thank goodness Carter wasn't there when it happened, I could not bear it if he had died. I feel bad for the family of the Paramedic, but still thankful it wasn't Carter._

I remember that day all too clearly, it is one of my ghosts, that he died, and no one can tell me those bullets weren't meant for me. How is it that people around me die, when I get to live?

_An interesting morning. I got a call from no other than Roxanne, she want to meet me for coffee. She is a bit late but I wait, I am really curious as to why Carter's girlfriend would want to talk to me. Well, well, well. Seems that things are not so rosy in the land of Carter and Roxanne. She feels he has been drifting apart, and she is trying to understand why. Can you believe she actually asked me if Carter and I were having sex? She thought maybe we were having a hot little affair, quickies in the lounge. HA! I wish, but this is really awesome news, things are going downhill in the relationship._

Holy Crap, Roxanne went and talked to Lucy?  I cannot believe she did that, I find I am kind of upset that she would go talk to my student about me.  If she wanted to know if I was sleeping with someone else, she should have just asked.   Proves  was right to break up with her, there were a lot of little things about Roxanne that had become just plain irritating and I had not been quite sure how to end it.  Then it became easy because Roxanne just asked If I wanted to break up, and I said yes.  Funny, I didn't have to break up with a lot of women, it seemed like they were always breaking up with me.  Which is probably why I have such a damn complex about women.

_I know I sound like an awful person, but if she is out of the picture, maybe there is hope for us? Anyway, I deny that there is anything between us, and really, there isn't. I guess she doesn't know about Exam room 6 and the hot almost sex we had, I wonder if he would have told her if we had actually finished what we started? She seems calm, but I am worried if I say the wrong thing she will claw my eyes out, so I just say, nope, nothing between us, though I admit I had kind of hoped at one point. We both agree, he is one sweet but mixed up guy, a very deadly combination. Women fall all over him, but I am not sure if even he knows what he wants? I really wonder what has happened to him in his life, he is so confident sometimes, then others he is so uncertain, almost like he can't see why someone could love him. I can see why someone would love him, underneath the seeming arrogance, he is one of the sweetest, kindest, most compassionate and generous men I have ever meet. Why can't he see that in himself? Why can he not see that Roxanne is a barracuda and she will eventually eat him alive? She is all about herself, he needs a woman who can really see him, and love him for who he is. I kind of think Roxanne likes him because he is good looking, and it is impressive to say to her friends she is dating a doctor, not because she can see how great he really is, and that he is going to make some woman so very happy one day. I see him, maybe one day he will see me, see that there is a woman who loves him just the way he is, despite his faults, I feel like some days when I look into his eyes, I can see right into his soul. Those eyes are very expressive, as I get to know him, I see more and more of what is inside, and the more I see the more I love him._

_PS. I was chatting with Chuny, and I made a comment about how bad I felt still about his Jeep and how hard it must be for him. Being a dirt poor resident and having to replace such an expensive item. She started to laugh at me if you can imagine. Oh honey, where did you get the idea that Carter is a dirt poor resident? Well, he lives in a basement apartment, you know, he's a resident, he must have massive loans to repay after doing a surgical sub-i. Carol walked in about that time and she looked at me as if I was a bit crazy. Carter is far from poor honey, his family has millions, and his first car was a limo. He wears monogrammed shirts, when he graduated he wore Hugo Boss. What? Carol and Chuny filled me in, he is independent, no question, but he grew up rich, very, very rich. He has no loans, he grew up in the fancy neighborhood of Oakbrook and his parents are jet setters. You have got to be kidding me, he is Richie Rich? Carol told me about the time she and another doctor went to his grandmother's house, a massive place in the city, one of two houses she apparently owned in Chicago. Carol used to run a free clinic at County, and his grandmother funded it, she gave hundreds of thousands just to run the clinic, and they have a Family Foundation, she called it. Poor, right. How did I ever think that? He is loaded._

I snap the diary shut and sigh. So that is how she found out? I never really advertised my family money, but it wasn't really a secret either. Though Roxanne didn't really know either, I guess living in Weavers basement threw people off, and I wasn't that open with Roxanne, because she was so focused on money. Making it big. If I'm honest I always knew it would never work with Roxanne, she was never the right woman for me. But then again, was Lucy? There was an attraction, but I will never know, if she had lived, would it have gone further when she graduated? Who knows?

"Good morning." I look up as Susan comes out and joins me with a coffee in her hand. She puts it down and I reach up and pull her onto my lap and into my arms.

"Morning." I give her a very long kiss and she cuddles down into my embrace. I feel like I'm in heaven right now, and I know without a doubt, this is where I am supposed to be, who I was meant to love. "I love you."

She squeezes me tighter. "I love you too. Last night was great, why isn't it like this all the time. I feel like everything is so perfect right now, but I feel like the bubble is going to burst any minute. And I don't want it to.

"Last night was great, and I don't know. Have you thought more about us going to talk to someone? I want it to be like this all the time, too, I don't want to lose you." And I really don't, Susan is the one for me, I can picture growing old with her, having grandchildren even, but we are not going to get there if we can't sort things out.

"I said I would, I think maybe we should each see someone for a bit, and then if we need, we go together. I can see very clearly I have some issues too, John. My family can play me like a fiddle, and the whole cheating thing, I wasn't fair to you and I know it. That was not about you, it was about me and my insecurities."

I bury my head against her neck and breathe deeply. "You do not know how much of a relief it is to hear you say that. Not that I want you to be having issues just that you recognized on your own that I wouldn't do that to you. I have to admit I was kind of worried you only forgave me because Jim convinced you it wasn't true. I need you to believe in me and trust me on your own, not because someone corroborates my story or gives me an alibi."

I can hear her sigh and my heart sinks just a little. "I want to be honest with you, Jim and I did talk about it. And he gave me a bit more information, and that did help me recognize I was being stupid about it."

"Oh. Well, I guess I know Jim's got my back, but I really wish that you would have just talked to me and believed me when I said nothing happened." I don't move, I can't, the disappointment is almost too much to bear, of course, she didn't really believe me, she talked to Jim.

"John." Her voice is soft against my hair. "I am so sorry, I know this is difficult. I still got there, but I needed to talk to someone and he knows you so well. I should have just believed you right away, but I didn't, and that is part of our issues, right? That is something I need to fix, it really isn't about you, it's about my lack of faith in men in general. I know in my heart that you didn't do that to me, and I can't let Trisha the happy homewrecker get in between us. I love you so much, please don't be angry with me, we need to get past this, give me a chance to make it up to you."

"I'm not angry, I'm disappointed, and it hurts that you can't just believe me. I get it, you have had lying, cheating boyfriends and maybe in your view, all men are the same. But we aren't. I am not all sweet and innocent, I have dated a lot of women, but I am not running around on you. I am capable of committing to one woman at a time, and that is what I do. My relationships haven't been long but they have been just with one woman at a time."

"I know, John, and I am sorry. Can you forgive me? I need you to forgive me."

The thoughts run through my head. Forgive her. If I don't or can't, then what do we have? Nothing. And she has forgiven me for my faults on more than one occasion, I am not blameless for many of the issues we have had in our relationship. We had a misunderstanding, this is not something worth ruining our marriage over, and if she got to the point where she knows I didn't cheat on her, at least she got there no matter how she did it.

I look up at her, and I can see the concern in her eyes. I know I love this woman, and I feel that she loves me, or she would have given up long ago. "Yes, I forgive you. I love you, and we both have things we need to work on, I have made my share of mistakes too."

She smiles and I can in her eyes, happiness? Love? Something Lucy wrote hits me, ' _almost like he can't see why someone would love him.'_ That girl would truly have been great, she really read me like a book. It's true, and I even said it to Susan one time. How can _anyone_ love me, if the one woman who is supposed to love you unconditionally never cared enough to be there? Maybe I have always kept a piece of myself back in the past, not wanting to give all of myself to anyone, because I expect them to leave me. I have not had many women in my life I can truly trust either, and I can suddenly see this so clearly, as the realization hits me. I don't trust women as much as Susan doesn't trust men. We are quite the pair, how we made it this far I will never know. I guess the power of love is working it's magic, otherwise we would have broken up long ago. Something won't let me give up this time around.

I pull her in tight for a long hug and another kiss, maybe there is hope for me yet.

We enjoy our last day of summer, the girls are back to school tomorrow, and I have an appointment with Rosen, and a meeting set to have coffee with Luka Kovac. I told Susan I am going to see him, and she was surprised, but I haven't told her what it is about.

We drive Susie and Brooklynn in for their first day of school, then we go over to Northwestern. Walking in is a bit tough, I don't know if the rumour mill has let go of the whole thing about Keaton, but Susan has been supportive and just told me to ignore it. Peter has said it is mostly forgotten since I've been gone for so long, but who knows? When I come back it could be revived, everyone knows about the legal issues so I will be fodder for the rumour mill.

I guess I should be used to it though, County was bad for rumours, and I am sure my life was discussed for hours at different points.

Susan goes for coffee with Rachel, and I go up to see Rosen. He warmly shakes my hand and invites me to sit.

"You look well rested and nicely tanned, I heard that you had gone to Europe for the summer?"

"Thanks, we did, it was a great holiday. Though I am hoping to get back into work soon."

"Yes, of course. We are just waiting for some forms from the medical board, but we have heard from them that you are cleared of all wrongdoing and charges, so it is a formality at this point. I am very sorry we had to suspend you, John, but I had no choice."

"I understand, there have to be checks and balances, I am vindicated, and I just want to move on. Our study I am sure has suffered, so let me know when I can get back to work, and we will just get on with life."

"A healthy attitude, though I guess you have been through far worse. I have just one other matter I wanted to discuss."

"Okay?"

"There were some rumours about you and Dr. Keaton, and I wanted to ask if there is any basis to them."

"Dr. Keaton and I are friends and colleagues, we worked together at County and here, so we have a comfort level. I am a happily married man, and I cannot control what people think or say and beyond that, I don't care to comment."

Rosen looks at me searchingly, for a very long moment, then he nods. "Okay, it doesn't have any bearing on your work, so I will accept that response. I will have you back on the schedule within two weeks, I'll ask Dr. Benton to contact you once we have your hours posted. They will coincide with his schedule and I am sorry it put you behind."

"I kept up with my studying over the summer, so I we should be able to catch up a bit. So, anything else?"

"No, that's about it. We look forward to having you back Dr. Carter."

We finish up and I check to see if Susan is back, saying hi to quite a few people along the way. Susan is still out with Rachel, I leave her a message on her cell as I am going over to County to meet Luka. I leave her the car, and take the L.

Jerry is on duty at admit.

"Dr. Carter. Nice to see you back."

"Hey Jerry, I am just meeting Luka, is he around?"

"In the lounge, gathering his stuff." He waves me towards the lounge, and I wander in. Abby is sitting at the table, and Luka is at his locker. I get a very hostile look from her.

"Luka."

"Carter. Nice to see you, I am just grabbing my things and we can go."

Abby frowns at us. "Since when are you two buddies?"

I say nothing, the last time I saw her I had her removed from our private property, but she is still here, so I guess she landed on her feet.

Luka can see the tension between us and he shrugs noncommittally and we leave. We walk down the street to a small café and grab a booth.

"How was Europe?" Luka sips his coffee.

"Great. It was mostly Italy, with a small dose of Spain and France. I've been quite a few times, but Susan has not seen much much, just Paris when we went in May."

"You two seem happy together. It's nice to see."

"Thanks, we are happy." I am not going to get into our ups and downs, as far as everyone at County knows, we are good and I want it to stay that way.

"Sorry to hear about what happened about those patient charts."

"Ah, don't worry about it, I got a nice holiday in, and my name is cleared, I go back to work next week. I see Lockhart is still around."

He laughs softly. "I guess she made some sort of deal with the Nursing Board, she is on probation, lucky she didn't lose her job. I cannot believe she did that to you, I thought you two were friends. In fact at one point I thought you two were going to get together, then Susan came back."

"She landed on her feet then, if I had been found guilty I would probably have been fired. Whatever. So, what did you want to talk about?" I ignore his reference to the fact that I might have dated Abby in other circumstances, I don't even want to think about it.

"Well, I am going to go volunteer with an international NGO, and I wanted to offer you the chance to go with me."

"An NGO? Where are you going?"

"The Congo. Minimum stay is usually two weeks, some of the volunteers are there for months. I have gone to Bosnia before, and of course with my experience in Croatia, I like to volunteer my time."

"Why me? I am not sure this would be the time to go, I have a family."

"So do lots of the volunteers. I think you are a talented doctor, you can think on your feet, you can afford to take time off. The organization is great, they provide plane tickets and your meals while you are there. Though to be fair I am not sure how good the food is, and the conditions can be a bit rough. You always seem like you want to do more for your patients, and this is a great experience. A game changer in a lot of ways."

He slides a package across the table.

"So you are an advocate then."

"Of course. I have been taking a couple weeks every year to make the trip. This time I think I will stay longer, I have arranged a month, but there is not a lot here for me right now. I need to get out of my head, you know? My family is all in Croatia, I don't have a family here, or even a steady girlfriend. Though even if I did, I would still do it, they are in desperate need over there. Even having personnel to give vaccines is important. Will you think about it?"

"I'll think about it, and I would have to talk to Susan, I am not sure she would be thrilled for me to go to a war torn country, leaving her to deal with 4 kids."

"You have staff, a nanny, right? Not like you are leaving her to do it all on her own."

"True, but I still have to talk to her, she is my wife, Luka. I can't make these kind of decisions without discussing it, you know that."

"I know, Carter. I was married once too. Though life was much different in Croatia than it is here."

We chat about other things for a while, and then I check my messages. Susan is back at Northwestern and she is going to come and pick me up. It is close to time for school to let out, so we call home and let Louisa know we will pick up the girls today. With Chloe back in the picture, we have Alger driving Louisa and the girls to and from school when Susan and I can't be there, we feel safer not leaving Louisa to fend for herself.

Life is coming together, though I am not sure Susan will be excited about Luka's offer. I will read through everything, and discuss it with her once I give it some thought.


	59. Chapter 59

John is a bit quiet on the way back to the house, but the girls are chattering about their day at school in the back seat. We both ask the girls a few questions, and then they start on other topics between themselves. I love that they are like best friends, I hope that will always be the case.

“How did it go with Rosen?”

“Fine, I should be back on the schedule within two weeks, so I guess that is one less thing to worry about.”

"Rachel says there hasn't been much said about you and Keaton recently, so that is all good. Rosen left me a message as well, he wants me to come in and talk to him about going back to work."

"Perfect, are you looking forward to going back?"

"Yes and no. It has been really great being off work, I have to admit, but I miss it too. I think beginning of October will be good, the girls will be settled in school, you will be back into the schedule by then too."

 

He nods. “As long as you are doing what you want, Susan. Go back if you want, but you are not required to go back.”

“I know that, but I love being a doctor as much as you do, and I need to go back. Even if I don’t take as many shifts, I need to keep up my skills and do something other than being a mom. I love being a mom, but I need more than that too.”

“I get it, I love being a dad, but I could never give up medicine either. I just wanted you to know that you can take as much time as you want. I will support your decision either way.”

We arrive home and the girls tell Millicent all about their day, then they change and get dressed for riding. Brooklynn has been extra excited recently, she loves Galaxy, and he is turning out to be a stellar animal. I still haven’t asked John how much he paid for the horses, I am not sure I want to know, though he would tell me, I’m sure.

We have our first therapist appointment tomorrow, and I am a bit nervous. We are following through on our promise to each other to work through the raft of baggage we both carry. I see how my parents are with each other, and I don’t want that kind of marriage with John. Jack and Eleanor were not exactly great role models either, as a married couple or as parents, abandoning him like that when he was so young. I think we can be really happy together, if we can get some of the barriers out of the way. In fact we are really happy most of the time, but when issues hit we have trouble dealing with them properly, so I think we can be even happier and have a long marriage, and that is a good thing.

I am still trying to have time to talk to him daily, iron out some issues and at least communicate. I am proud of how we handled things once we started talking about the message from Trisha, I was able to admit it wasn’t really about him. He was able to admit he was disappointed I only believed him after I had talked to Jim. I understand that, I really do, he doesn’t feel like I fully trust him and it probably true to a point, but only because other men have been untrustworthy. Then I asked him to forgive me, and he did, and I had the feeling he was really forgiving me, not just saying he did.  We still have a long way to go, but it is a start.

Our evening is pleasant, we spend time as a family with both girls and the twins, and before I know it, we head for bed ourselves. I think tomorrow will be a grueling day, I am not sure what is going to happen with the therapist, but I am going to give it my best effort.

Here we are in the waiting room, it is a bit familiar, I went to therapy after having to give up Susie the first time. I have to say it helped. We have chosen a highly recommended therapist, a woman. I felt more comfortable with this, and John said it was fine with him too. I guess a lot of his friends are women, and he feels at ease with them. We decided to go to the same one for now, which will let us work in some couples sessions without having to explain everything again. She will know both of our issues.

“Susan, John, come on in.”

She waves us in and we both follow her into a large well-appointed office. It is soothing and calm, soft colors, comfortable furniture, soft natural lighting. I have done enough Psychology to see that she is trying to set a tone, and it doing it successfully. We both sit on the soft couch, John puts his arm around me and I lean into him. This feels nice, like we are both in this together. And I guess we are, both committed to fixing what’s wrong.

I can see her look us both over, the fact that we are sitting so closely on the couch. She smiles slightly, I am sure she can see we are both nervous but united.

“So, I just wanted to take a few minutes and talk to you both, then I’ll start with Susan, then have a session with you John. What has brought you both in to see me?”

I can feel John look over at me, and I know he is letting me start. “The past few months have been quite stressful, for both of us, and we are finding it difficult to work through things when we disagree, or have fights. I think we both have things in our pasts that are contributing to this and we agreed we should try some counseling for a while to see if it helps.”

“John?”

“We have also been through some pretty big changes in our lives in the past couple years, and our families don’t help much either. I know marriage takes work, but it really seems like it is extra difficult lately, and we need to sort things out. Having someone impartial to help seems like the best thing to do.”

“So what changes have you gone through?”

John nods at me to go ahead. “I moved back from Phoenix with our daughter and we got back together. We got married, had twins, adopted my niece whose mother abandoned her, in addition to a myriad of big and small issues, and we both have very demanding jobs as ER physicians.”

“How many children do you have?”

“Four. My niece is 8, our daughter is 6, and we have twins that are just over 9 months old.”

“Wow, a busy household. It seems you both are committed to this, there will be tough spots I am sure, but I can see you love each other and that will help. So I would like to get started with Susan, and John I will see you in an hour.”

John gives me a quick kiss and leaves. I choose a soft comfortable chair and curl up it in, kicking off my shoes. This gets a smile from her.

“You seem very relaxed, that is good.”

“I am. I did therapy a few years ago, long story, but I was taking care of my niece when she was a baby, and my sister reappeared and took her back. It was difficult, I grew very attached.”

“Of course, that makes sense. So, tell me a bit more about what things brought you here.”

“Many things, but mainly my husband and I decided it was necessary if we want to be married in a year from now. I love him, he is a very good person, but we have a lot of baggage, and it makes it hard for us to communicate properly when we need to.”

“I see. And you are both comfortable with having the same therapist?.”

“We thought maybe if we started separately then had some sessions as a couple, it would help if we had the same therapist? Then you already know what is going on, and can maybe help us a little better.”

“I agree, it will give me a good overview. It seems like you are both invested in this, which makes it even more productive. So often one party is more committed that the other, it is nice to see a couple that both wants to make it work.”

We start to talk about what I think is going on, how I am feeling about my life, my marriage, my family. The hour flies by and I feel at the end I have talked non-stop, about Susie, Chloe, Brooklynn, John and my parents, and to a smaller extent the twins. The therapist slows me down by asking well timed relevant questions, everything seems to flood out of me and I realize that John was so right. Having an impartial person to speak with is helpful, I don’t have to guard my words, I can just say what I feel.

I make another appointment in a couple days, and walk out the door feeling a bit lighter. I kill some time window shopping while John does his session, then we drive home together. We both agree it went fine, we will have at least a couple more individual sessions then maybe try one together.

The next few days fly by, John spends some time with Millicent, behind closed doors, and I kind of wonder what is going on. He looks thoughtful after one of their talks, and I am glad he is making time for her. It still makes me sad that so much of his family is absent, though I kind of understand, his relationship with her has been bumpy as well.

He is working in his office and I wander in, absently picking up some papers. He never seems to mind me looking at the things on his desk, he is of the mind that our finances and other paperwork is common property and I have the right to look. This however is kind of a weird one.

“What is this about?” I hold up the paperwork, it is an application to volunteer with an NGO?

“Oh. That. Well, Luka gave that to me. We haven’t had time to talk about it.”

“How about right now? I am a little concerned you have an NGO application on your desk, those are not the safest countries to visit. The Congo and Bosnia?”

“I know, and don’t worry, I have not made any decisions, I don’t even know if it something I would want to do. Luka goes for a few weeks every year, and volunteers with this organization, kind of like Doctors without Borders. He is a real advocate of the program, but it is not without risk, and I need to know how you would feel about me going.”

I shoot him a concerned look and he holds up his hands. “I am not saying that I would go, I just want to get your thoughts, Susan. It is a worthwhile cause, it could be for even just a couple weeks and it is not something I would do all the time.”

“Would you want to go?”

He sighs. “Yes and no. It is a great organization, lots of doctors do this, but there is also the consideration I have you and the kids to think about. I guess lots of the doctors have families and it is something they do regularly, but as you point out, they are not the safest countries to be in. They are poor countries, the conditions can be rough and there are no safety guarantees.”

“My first thought is hell no, but, I recognize that this is also something that lots of people do and they come back safely, like Luka. Let me read it and we can talk again? I am not sure, is all I can say.”

“That’s fair, we both need to think about it more before we make any decisions. It would be a while before I could go anyways, I am just getting back to work and it wouldn’t be fair to Peter. I might decide I never want to go, but Luka feels there is value in experiencing it just once even. So, we are not making decisions on this today, and I want you to be honest, if you really don’t want me to go, I won’t.”

“But I don’t want to hold you back from something you truly want to do, but yes, we will talk again about it.”

“Good, that is all I ask.” He flips another paper. “Anna called me.” He says this very casually.

“Anna?” I am having trouble placing the name.

“Del Amico. The doctor in Philly who treated Rachel.”

“Oh, Anna. And what did she have to say?”

“She will be in Chicago in a week or so and wants to get together.”

“With you or with us.”

“With me I guess, though I don’t think she would mind if you came too.”

“Kind of like a third wheel?” I try to stay light and joking, honestly, I am not sure I want to go out with Anna. They were very close, and it would be okay for them to see each other without me. I talked a bit about trust with the therapist, and this would be a good way to show him that I do in fact trust him. She has given me a few assignments, one of which is listing why I would or would not trust my husband, and finding ways to show him if I do.

I have to admit, I can find very little reason that I really should not trust John. Sure women flirt with him, and he has lots of exes that seem to keep popping out of the wood work, but that isn’t his fault. He is there for me every day, honestly, when would he even have time to fool around with another woman? Our sex life is great, he doesn’t neglect me in that department, we are very much together.

“Not quite the same, you are my wife, not some friend who is tagging along.”

I pull myself back to the conversation. Right, true, Anna is more the third wheel here, John and I are the couple. Why would I feel that way? He has told me they didn’t even date, by her own admission she was hung up on some guy back in Philly when they were friends.

“I know, maybe you should go out with her, then bring her back here for dinner? Or we can go out for dinner the three of us? That way you can catch up with her, get through the boring stuff and then I can get to know her a bit.”

“The boring stuff?” He laughs at that. “You know she worked with a lot of the same people you did, Doug, Carol, Mark, Peter, to name a few.”

“I know, but I don’t mind if you go out with her for a bit, you two were close, you spent time together outside of the work stuff right?”

“All the time, yes. If you don’t want to go, then that’s okay. Kind of like I don’t really want to hang out with you when you go for coffee with Rachel. Oh, by the way, we have to get together with Ryan and Angie.”

“I forgot to mention, they are picking up the girls tomorrow for playdate at the park. Then coming out for dinner after.”

“Great. I have an appointment tomorrow morning and then I was just going to study and do some writing, so it would be great to see them and the kids.”

“McKenna is doing well so far.”

“I heard, from Abby. She did her follow-up, and said thank you for the Italian goodie basket.”

“I should have guessed she would phone you. She would do just about anything for you, you know that right?”

He shrugs lightly. “I don’t know, maybe. She’s just a friend.”

“I know John, don’t even worry about Abby Keaton. She is not even on the radar.”

He smiles. “Come here.” He reaches and pulls me around the desk and onto his lap. “How are the sessions going, speaking of our radar?”

“Oh fine, we haven’t gotten in too deep yet, it is more scratching the surface, and I realize there is a lot to get through in my life. Good thing we have lots of money, because I am going to be there for a while.”

“Ah, money well spent, and I might just be there even longer than you. But seriously, Susan, thank you for doing this.”

“No thanks required, it’s what we need to do to keep it together. I will never regret investing this time into our marriage.”

“Me either. You know I asked Gamma the other day how she and my grandfather lasted so long. I mean I know they loved each other, but he was a very domineering guy and she is her own strong personality. Kind of amazing they had 59 years of marriage."

“What did she say?”

“Basically that they had a very strong love for each other, and they didn’t take their commitment lightly. They worked as a team, talked about all their decisions together and made time for their family. She said she was very disappointed in my parents, how they didn’t make time for the important things, how they left when I was so young and spent so little time with me. Hard for her to understand when she and my grandfather were so family oriented.”

“I can imagine. I am a little surprised she said that to you about your parents.”

“I’m not, she says what is on her mind most of the time.”

“Does she know, what is going on with us?”

“Not in detail or anything, but she isn’t oblivious to the fact that we are having our moments, we do live in the same house after all. She is a sharp lady but she did say she can see we love each other, and that I should never give that up. I told her I don’t intend to and we are working on things, together. Hard for her to understand how we have so many issues, but on the other hand she says I didn’t have the best role models with Jack and Eleanor, so she is happy I recognize the importance of family and I am sticking to it, despite it not being perfect.”

“The seal of approval from Millicent then?”

“Always. She likes you, a lot, and she loves having us here. Seeing her great grandchildren and she says it is nice I finally look happy. Most of the time anyways.”

“I like her too, and I know she can be difficult in her own way, but she loves you, and it is nice that you have at least one family member who is there for you.”

“Crazy, I have tons of relatives, but they only appear on occasion. It must be tough on Gamma too, her two sons are never around, they don’t have great relationships with her and haven’t for a long time. She said that seeing us gives her some hope for the future. She has kept herself busy with her friends, and the foundation, and she is still doing lots of events so it’s not like she has nothing. She has very good friends in fact, and the staff in this house are mostly long term and very loyal too, so she is well taken care of.”

“Not to mention her own resident physician who takes care of her health care and makes her happy by his presence.”

“I hope so. We haven’t always been on the best of terms, but on the other hand she has always been there for me, so I hope I can return the favor.”

“So, she thinks you look happy most of time, but not all of the time?”

“We have been fighting quite a bit, Susan, and with everything that happened with Brooklynn, it’s impossible to look happy all the time. I had legal issues with work, lost a friend, so much happened right before we left for holidays. She knows that, and it is why I don’t always look happy.”

“We’re going to be okay, right John?”

“Yeah, we’re going to be okay.”

The next day dawns beautiful and sunny. John heads off for another therapist appointment and I spend some time with the twins, and then go up and take a ride on Cairo while they have a nap. I have started doing this almost daily, and I am going to miss it when I go back to work, I won’t have the same kind of time.

I am going to see Rosen in a couple days, and have thought long and hard, and I will try to be part time for a while. John is encouraging me to do what I want, I don’t have to worry about money, so I can work a little less and spend more time with the kids. Kind of the best of both worlds really, I put a lot of time into being a doctor and I don’t want to give that up, yet I love the travel we do and spending time with our children.

John is back to work in a couple more days, and I am going to miss having him around so much, but he loves his work as much as I do. We just need to create some balance, which might be easier said than done.

John gets back from his appointment and goes for a ride, then comes back and dives into his surgical texts for the afternoon and makes a few phone calls. He is keeping up with how Rachel is doing, and I know he has taken her for lunch a couple times. It is kind of funny that I was so close to Mark, yet John is the one Rachel has connected with the most.

Ryan phones and lets us know he has the girls and they are going to the park and should be up in a couple hours.

I have just finished a refreshing swim and changed into clean clothes when John’s cell phone starts to trill. He smiles then hits the button. “Hey Ryan, what’s up?” I see the smile drop. “What? When? Where are you?” He is on his feet and heading in the door before I can even move. I follow him in, he is already half way up the stairs. He is still talking on his phone, but grabbing his wallet and the keys. “Get your purse, we need to go, right now.”He clicks his phone shut.

“You’re scaring me, what is going on?”

“Chloe. She followed them to the park and she has Susie.”

“What do you mean she has Susie?”

“At the park, she is holding her hostage. She showed up and Ryan called 911. I warned him and Angie to watch out for her, remember? I didn’t think she would show up, but she did.” He has my arm and we are heading down the stairs. He disappears into the kitchen and then is back. “Corinne will check on the twins and call Louisa for us.”

We run out and jump into the car and he peels out of the driveway. I dig out my phone and dial Angie.

“Angie, it’s Susan, we are in the car. What is going on?”

“Chloe showed up and grabbed Susie off the swings. She seems a little out of control, but Ryan stopped her from leaving while I called 911. The police are here, but she.” Angie sounds scared and halts. “Susan, she is holding a knife to her and saying we better let her leave with her daughter. I’m scared, Susan.”

“We will be there as soon as we can, the police know we are coming?”

“Ryan told them that you are the adoptive parents and Chloe is trying to kidnap her, so they have her surrounded. They know we are calling you to come.”

“Is Brooklynn okay?”

“She and Alysha are with a couple of the officers, she tried to keep Brooklynn with her too, but Brooklynn ran away and got to Ryan. She ignored Alysha completely.”

“Thank goodness for that. Okay we are almost there.”

John has been flying down the road and he pulls up haphazardly as close as we can get to the park. There are cop cars everywhere.

“Sir, ma’am, I’m sorry, this is area is close, we have a situation.” The Police Officer stops us from proceeding into the area.

“I know, that’s our daughter in there. I’m John Carter, this is Susan Lewis, she is holding our adopted daughter and we need to get in.” John manages to keep his wits about him and he pulls out some ID. The officer holds up her hand then radios into the command station. Another officer appears and beckons us in and we are allowed past into the cordoned off area.

“Mr. and Mrs. Carter?”

“Dr. Carter and Dr. Lewis, but John and Susan is fine.” John has his arm around me.

“We had a call to 911, saying there was a little girl being held hostage. You are the parents?”

I jump in. “We adopted Susie several months ago after she was abandoned by her mother. Chloe Lewis is my sister, but she is a drug addict and alcoholic, she may be drunk or high, or both.”

“She is in an altered state, so yes, we assumed that she is on drugs of some sort. She wants to take the little girl who she claims is her daughter.”

“Susie is biologically her daughter, but Chloe left over a year ago, and then Susie’s stepfather died. We got legal custody then went through adoption proceedings as I am her closest family. We have legal custody of Susie, so she cannot be allowed to take her.”

“We are trying to talk her into letting the little girl go, but it is not going well.”

“Can I talk to her? Please let me talk to her.” I am scared, but I have to at least try. The officer nods.

“We have the area secured, and the weapon is a knife, so we will let you speak to her, as long as you stay clear, that means at least 15 feet away. Maybe you can appeal to her not to hurt the little girl.”

“Susan, it’ll be okay.” John gives me a hug.

“Go take care of Brooklynn, she must be scared too, and I’ll get Susie.”

“Okay. Be careful.”

“We’ll take care of her, John, don’t worry.” The officer assures him.

I nod and John lets the officer take me while another takes him to where Ryan and Angie are waiting. I see Brooklynn break from one of the officers and run to him, he scoops her up and gives her a hug. She is clinging to him for dear life.

I tear my gaze away and what I see almost makes my heart stop. Chloe has her arm wrapped around Susie, who is wide eyed with fear, a blade held to her neck. I can see everything in sharp relief, Chloe’s crazed eyes, her white knuckled grip on the hilt of the blade. The tears dripping down Susie’s face as she sees me.

“Mommy!” Her voice is a high pitched terrified cry.

“I’m your mommy, not her. Susan, how could you do this, you have my child calling you mommy? She is mine and I will never give her up.”

I take a deep breath. We have had situations in the ER, and I am trying to pretend this is no different. “Chloe, let Susie go. You are hurting her, you love her, and you don’t want to hurt her.”

“Let me walk out of here with Susie and no one will get hurt.”

“You know I can’t do that. Susie honey, it’s okay, relax it’s going to be all right.” Susie blinks at me, and I try to keep eye contact with her, and I give her a faint smile, the best I can manage at the moment.

“You can let me take her. This is our business, tell them all to back off.”

“You know that the police only want to make sure that Susie is safe. Let her go and we can go somewhere and talk.”

“Right, like they are going to let me go anywhere if I give up Susie.”

“They aren’t going to let you go anywhere with Susie. Chloe, you are drunk, you are high, and you are scaring her. I know you love her, but this is not the way to show her you care. If you really love her, you will let her go.”

“Never, she’s mine.”

“Chloe, if you get some help, go to rehab, then maybe you can see her again. Don’t hurt Susie. Remember when she was born?”

“Of course, I was there, I’m her mother.”

“Right, remember how tiny she was, looking into those beautiful eyes and vowing that you would do anything to keep her safe?” Chloe finally meets my eyes.

“She was so beautiful. Black bird singing in the dead of night.”

“Take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life.” I sing unsteadily, but it is calming her down.

“You were only waiting for this moment to arise.” She finishes and giggles. “He couldn’t find the tape in time.”

“No, we had too many, so we had to sing. She came into this world so fast. Our little Susie, such a beautiful little angel.”

“I love her so much Suze. Please don’t take her away.”

“I know you love her Chloe, but this is not the way to keep her safe. If you hurt her, you will always regret it, you can’t take something like that back. Please let her go, Chloe, and we will help you get better. Please don’t hurt our angel.” I can see her grip loosening on the knife and I keep eye contact. “Keep our angel safe.”

I hear more than see the knife hit the pebbles under her feet and she drops her arms and Susie is in motion immediately. I meet her halfway and scoop her into my arms even as Chloe is being forced to the ground. I feel another set of arms wrap around us both and I know it’s John. He turns us and leads us back to the waiting officers.

“Mommy. Daddy.” Susie sobs as we are surrounded by police.

“It’s okay honey. It’s all going to be okay.” John takes her from my arms, she has gotten so big I am having trouble keeping her in my grip. He holds her tight as she clings to him and he wraps an arm around me. The paramedics go to take her, but John sets her down and takes a quick look at her himself.

“Carter? Dr. Lewis?” We know almost all the paramedics in the city, so no surprise when we are recognized.

“Is this your daughter?”

“Hi Doris. Yes, so I am just going to do a quick check on Susie.” He moves easily and we both know she is unhurt, physically at least. Emotionally, well who knows? That was scary.

I sit and put my arm around her, and John talks to the officers for a few minutes. They take statements from the four adults, they have already spoken to Alysha and Brooklynn. Finally we are able to take Susie. Ryan and Angie give us hugs.

“I am so sorry, she just came out of nowhere.”

John shakes his head. “Not your fault, at all. Why don’t you come out to the house, we could all use a drink and a bit of relaxation, okay? It would be good for the girls to have some company, that was tough on everyone.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes, I’m very sure.”

We pack up the kids into the car, I sit between the two in the back seat and put my arms around them as John drives. We all arrive at the house and Millicent meets us at the door.

“You’re all okay?”

“Yes Gamma, we’re fine. Ryan and Angie are right behind us.”

“It was on the news.”

“Really? Well, we’re okay. Let’s get everyone inside, and find some snacks for the kids, and drinks for the adults.”

I take the girls up and get them to freshen up and change, then we go downstairs. John has everyone out on the patio, Brooklynn and Alysha seem to be okay and start playing quietly, but Susie crawls onto my lap and I let her cuddle with me.

“Susan, you were absolutely brilliant.”John pours me a glass of wine. “Susie can I get you something?”

“Ice cream?”

“Yes, what flavour?” John gives me a wink.

“Chocolate.”

“Coming up.”

The other two girls bound over at the mention of ice cream and John brings them each a bowl and sets them up at the edge of the patio. Susie is starting to bounce back and she joins the other two girls.

Ryan shakes his head. “I am so sorry.”

“Ryan, you didn’t do anything, and you thought quickly, and called 911. That is all you can do. Don’t worry about it, okay? Susie is fine, Chloe is in custody so it all ended well.”

Angie looks at us both. “You two were so damn calm. How did you stay so calm?”

“Underneath I was panicking, but we deal with stuff like this in the ER. We have dealt with people with firearms, knives and all sorts of things. You, get used to it, sort of. I tried to pretend it was just another day in the ER, and it kept me from freaking out.”

“Used to it. So you have stared down angry people with guns?”

Both John and I nod. “Remember, John was in the mall with the gunmen? He ran out and grabbed a toddler with bullets and glass flying around?”

“How could we forget?” Ryan shakes his head.

“We have seen more than you want to know, Ryan, but let’s not talk about that right now. How about we relax and let me see that gorgeous baby girl of yours.” John take McKenna from Ryan and holds her comfortably. “She looks great, her eyes are bright and alert, good colour.”

“Your friend Dr. Keaton was amazing. She is marvelous with kids, isn’t she?”

“Yes, she is. That is why she is one of the best, she loves kids.”

“And you worked with her?”

“Yes, twice. She was transferred in to County when Southside closed several years ago. The resident I was working with lucked out and got a spot on her team and I got to tag along. Then she did a visit for 6 months to Northwestern and I was selected to do a surgical rotation with her for 90 days. I spent a lot of hours in the OR and in the surgical ward with her during those times.”

Not to mention at her place, and in her bedroom, I think, but I don’t say it. Jim and Tiffany clued in, but I don’t know if Ryan and Angie have the big picture.

“She dropped everything to take your referral, our doctor was mighty impressed that you were able to get McKenna in so fast. I think you know her pretty well.” Ryan gives John a little grin.

Nope, they figured it out.

“What can I say, she’s a friend and she was a colleague for quite a while as well.” He downplays it, pretending he doesn’t see the innuendo from Ryan.

“Uh huh, a friend. Okay we will play it your way, John, and I am not going to complain, however you did it, thank you. I think you saved her life.”

“I was glad to help Ryan. Any more issues then you can go back to Abby…..Dr. Keaton. McKenna is her patient now.”

“I hope we don’t have any more issues, she is doing well. We have another appointment with our doctor here, but Dr. Keaton said the same thing, call if we have any questions, or even to call you. She seemed to think you would be able to assess McKenna.”

“I’m not a specialist in pediatrics, but obviously I deal with kids every day in the ER, and with the rotations I did with Keaton, I am fairly comfortable.”

We have a nice visit, we bring the twins out for a while and all have dinner, gathering around the dining room table as the sun goes down and it starts to cool off. We share pictures of Italy and the girls play and have a good time together. I think this is just what was needed after the stress of the day. Susie hasn’t had time to dwell on what happened, but I know we will be having some long discussions once she is ready to talk.

Ryan and Angie sleep in one of the many guest room and we let all the girls stay home from school the next day. The principal was already aware of what had happened and was not surprised. I sit and talk to Susie for a bit, but she is not saying much yet.

We keep her busy, taking all the kids up to the stables.

Ryan looks over the horses and whistles in appreciation. “Some nice horses here John.”

“Frank is the master, he searched them all out while we were in Italy, he did a fantastic job.”

We watch the girls ride, we have lent some gear to Alysha and she is riding Aria. She has been taking lessons too, and is comfortable. John takes the twins for a quick ride on Cairo, then he and Ryan go for a ride, John taking Eclipse and Ryan using Xander.

“Things are going well then?” Angie and I take the babies back to the house and put them down for naps, then decide to relax on the patio.

“Yes, pretty well.” I have a feeling that she knows that there was a bit of drama on the trip.

“John is a good guy, I am glad you two are happy.”

“Oh, we have our moments, but we are working on it.”

“Ryan and I have our moments too, as do Jim and Tiffany. Bring in Jordan and the happy homewrecker and it gets really interesting.”

“You heard?”

“Yeah, sorry. Jordan was bitching to Ryan, so we found out that Trisha left John a very interesting message on his phone. She is a conniving little bitch, Susan. She told Jordan about propositioning John, and I guess John told him too, that he might want to rethink dating her. I cannot believe she did that. Or that Jordan was making such a big deal about it, like John did anything aside from tell him his girlfriend is a bit of a ho.”

“Is Jordan upset at John?”

“Seems like it. I don’t understand Susan, I really don’t. She has always been like that, after the guys whether or not they are married, or have girlfriends at the time.”

“John and I worked it out, I was the one who got the joy of picking up the message, we were on the road back to Rome and John asked me to check his phone. It was not a good afternoon.”

“I bet not, I would not be pleased to hear something like that on Ryan’s phone either, but it is out of their control, Jordan has John’s number, so it would have been easy for her to leave a message. You can’t blame him for some woman leaving an inappropriate message.”

“I know. I don’t know Trisha as well as everyone else does, but I get it. If Trisha asks, then it caused no issues at all. I don’t want her to think she made waves, it will only encourage her.”

“Right, makes sense.”

“The problem I had was that John didn’t tell me she had been propositioning him, and has done so more than once.”

Angie gives me a little look. “You really want him to tell you this stuff? I prefer not to know. I mean, I know that all three of them have had women make passes at them, and I don’t need to hear every time it happens, it would drive me insane.”

“I kind of want to know. Then I can avoid those women. I guess Trisha is no longer welcome on any of the holidays.”

“I know. Jim told Ryan that he and John had blacklisted her. And Jordan too if he doesn’t get his act together. Between the two of them they create big problems.”

“They sure do. I am not a fan, let me tell you.”

We move onto other topics, talk about the girls and make some plans to get together with Tiffany for coffee. Everyone comes down from the stables and Ryan and Angie head home.

My cell phone rings as John and I are sitting and having some lunch, watching the girls swim and splash in the pool.

“Susan, it’s your mother.”

“Hi mom, what’s up?”

“Well, thanks to you, we had to try and bail your sister out of jail. She has been remanded into a rehab program.”

“Thanks to me? I didn’t tell her to go get drunk and high.”

John is watching me and I hit the speaker phone button. I want John to hear the conversation.

“No, but you got her arrested.”

“No, I did not. She held Susie at knife point, and someone called 911. She got herself arrested.”

“Well, she needs a better rehab program, so you better find one, and your rich husband there can foot the bill.”

“Mom. I have shelled out enough money over the years trying to help her. I am not giving any more. She can figure it out, I can’t do it for her.”

“So selfish. You think we can afford it? She is going to need a place to stay, and it can’t be here. That just won’t work.”

“Well she can’t come here either, so she will have to deal with it on her own.”

“Listen to me Susan, she would not have been arrested if you didn’t take her daughter from her. If you had just.”

John reaches over and hits the off button and my mom’s voice cuts out.

“You hung up on her.”

“Yes, I did. I am not going to listen to her abuse you like that. If you don’t let her up on her soapbox, then she’ll stop. But if you let her go on like that, she will try and take you for everything. She is trying to guilt you into taking responsibility for Chloe, and you know we cannot do that.”

My phone starts to ring again and I look at the call display. “Cookie, again.”

John takes my phone and hits talk, then off. Cookie tries 3 more times, and he does it each time, until she stops calling.

“You are tough.”

“I love you, Susan, but you need to stop taking the abuse you mom dishes out. You are not responsible for Chloe, even when they made you responsible for her. We are responsible for Susie, there is a big difference. Even when Susie was born, I remember, they had promised to take them both in, and then your parents decided that they didn’t want to. They could have, but your mom gave you some crap about how she had raised her kids and that was enough. You told me all about it.”

I nod, remembering our talks on the roof, and our talk that night at the pub, how I had done so much and in the end I felt unappreciated.

“That left you in quite a spot, you knew she couldn’t take care of a little baby, so you did what you needed to do. I respect that, I admire it in fact, I know it was tough.”

I look at him for a long moment. “You’re right John. I let them walk all over me, and I need to stop letting them. It is just so hard to do, and she’s my sister, my family and you help family.”

“I am here for you, you know that. You owe Chloe nothing, Susan, she is a big girl and it’s time that she took care of herself. You are doing your part, you have always done your part being there for Susie. That is what you need to do now, be there for her. Cookie and Henry can finally be there for Chloe. We have four children that need us to be here, now more than ever.”

“My mom always says we have lots of help, a nanny, and staff, that we are spoiled.”

“Well, we kind of are in lots of ways, not everyone has their laundry done and their meals made, but, we spend a lot of time with our kids. It’s not like we have shipped the girls off to boarding school and are out playing golf while Louisa raises the twins. We take them out and do things, we eat meals together, we help them with their homework, read with them, and we are there if they need us. We have childcare, no different than when Susie or Brooklynn went to daycare except we have it in our own home.”

Susie and Brooklynn go back to school the next day. John checks with the officer in charge of our case, and he confirmed Chloe was in mandatory court ordered rehab so we can relax a bit, though the school is aware and on alert in case she is released.

Over the next few days, my mom leaves me several messages, each one getting nastier. They reduce me to tears almost daily, but John is supportive and tells me just to save them. He sends copies of each message to Justin. He even answers the phone a couple times and tells Cookie to stop calling me, but she seems to be on a mission and won’t be put off this time.

“This has to stop, Susan. Cookie is out of control and I think we might want to talk about restraining orders on her and Chloe.”

“And Henry?”

“Has he done anything? Phoned or approached you?”

“No, if fact I have heard nothing from Henry. Not that it surprises me, last time I needed him in court and he refused to take sides. I am sure he is hiding out in some pub waiting for all of this to blow over.”

“Then unless you think he is going to jump into the fray, I think it’s unnecessary. Your dad might be a bit spineless, but he seems harmless as well.”

“Spineless. Yes, that’s Henry. I love my dad, but he has never been much help.”

“I’ll talk to Justin and get the process going, if Chloe gets out and she comes anywhere near our family she will end up back in jail. It seems harsh, I know, but we have four kids to protect, and I am a bit worried about you too.”

He has gone back to work and is on night shift with Peter, but he tells me to call our security if there is any issues with Chloe or Cookie appearing at the house.

The next morning he comes home with a box, nicely wrapped with a bow on top. He hand it to me with a smile.

“What’s this?”

“Open it and find out.” I open the box to find a brand new cell phone, with a brand new phone number.

“A new phone?”

“Yes. Only give the number out to people you trust. I have given it to Tiffany and Angie already, work and the school both have it as well. Never give this number to anyone in your family, not even Henry. I know he hasn’t been bugging you, but Cookie could easily obtain it from him. The abuse needs to stop, so your old number has been disconnected. We can keep up on what is going on through the officer in charge of Chloe’s case.”

“You think of everything.”

“I have to take care of my girls, don’t I? There is a restraining order now in place, Chloe and Cookie have both been served. If Cookie phones you or approaches you, then let me know. He used the abusive phone messaged to get a judge to agree to allow no contact whatsoever. She is not allowed to phone you even.”

“You did that.”

“Yes. I am concerned, Cookie is a bit unbalanced with all of this, and Chloe has proven to be a danger. We have four children here, and we can’t let either of them be here until Chloe gets her act together. Even then I don’t want her here at the house, if we ever get to the point of even supervised visitation, it will be elsewhere. They are both flagged by our security and will not be allowed on our property. At work, you can call security as needed, and at the school they are on a caution list. The restraining order includes anyone in our immediate family, me, you, and all the kids.”

"I know, John.  They don't always work though."

"No, they don't, but we have security here, and at work, the school is pretty tight and have their own security, and we have Alger and Louisa taking the girls to school as a team.  We both know what to do if either approach us too.  The restraining orders are a legal barrier, if Chloe gets out of control again and tries to come close to any of us, we can get the police involved."

"You've thought this through."

"Yes, we always knew this could happen, Justin is giving great advice and we will do whatever we need to do"

He wraps his arms around me and gives me a kiss.

"Thank you."  And I mean it, he always takes care of us, his family, it means everything in the world to both of us.


	60. Chapter 60

I am pulling into my parking space and I am not totally sure how I got here. I was on autopilot for a good part of the drive, now I have to focus, people's lives are at stake.

I go up to my office, and I am relieved to find I still have one. I remember when Benton was working with that surgeon at County and was kicked out of the study program, his office was packed up and given away without so much as a letter. I guess Rosen is more ethical than that, though I do resent the fact he asked me about Abby. I really wanted to say none of your business, asshole, but that would have not been very politic, so I dodged it and he seemed to accept my answer. Sure, he probably knows that we did in fact have an affair, but so what, it was years ago, and neither Abby nor I are talking, not much he can do about it.

"Carter. Your back."

I look up startled and Peter is standing in the doorway. "Hey Peter, yes I am finally back."

"You are looking very tanned and relaxed, I kind of wish that they had suspended me for the summer to, would have loved some time with Reese. Though my landlord might not have been happy when I couldn't pay the rent."

I love that Peter can joke with me, there was a time when I thought he hated my guts. Now I see it from a different side, he and I are a bit alike, we have our surface emotions, but there is a lot more that is hidden deep under the surface. For very different reasons, but still, we have more similarities than differences.

"I bet if you had asked he would have made arrangements with you. Postponed sending the eviction notice."

Peter shakes his head and smiles. "Man, it is so good to see you. I hate to admit it, but we missed you around here."

I am touched actually, for Peter to say is kind of special, he never admits to missing anyone. "I missed you too. So shall we get to work?"

It is a crazy busy day, and near the end of my shift I feel like I never left, that I was never away for over two months. I know there are a lot of people who are dying to ask, but no one seems to have the courage to get into why I was away. I am happy about that, it is nice to be immersed in work, and not thinking of all the little problems swirling around in my life.

Late in the afternoon Susan appears and we go for a coffee.

"I had my meeting with Rosen, so I am going to start picking up shifts at the beginning of October. I'll talk to Louisa and work out hours." She sips her cup and gazes at me with those intense green eyes.

"It will be nice to have you back at work. Though it was also great to have you at home when I was off. This could get a bit tricky."

"I am going to see if we can get our schedules set up again so we work mostly the same shifts, it will be easier for everyone and we don't have to give up as much time together." She is starting to shred her cup a bit, like she's nervous.

"Susan, what's wrong? You look a little concerned about something."

"What makes you think that?"

"The pile of confetti in your hand that used to be a coffee cup?"

"Oh, right." She stares at the bits of paper, then reaches over and drops it all in the garbage. "I just think that maybe we should do a session together with Renee."

I am not sure why this is making her so nervous, so I slide a bit closer and put my arm around her. She leans against me and entwines our fingers. "Why did this make you torture a coffee cup? We had agreed we were going to do that at some point."

"I know, John, I don't know why I'm so nervous about it, but I am."

"It's just me Susan, we can talk about things. If there is something you need to say, then say it. I love you, it will all work out, and this is what we need to do. If it was easy then we wouldn't need to pay someone to help us talk to each other, would we?"

"No, I suppose not. I'm still nervous though, I've never done this as a couple before. Kind of like you haven't had a long term relationship, I have but they have not generally been good ones. Not worth putting this kind of time and effort into anyway."

"Well, this one is, or at least I think so. And I hope you do too."

"I agree, this one is worth it. I just know that some of what we have to say is not going to be fun, or pleasant and I worry it will make things worse."

"I have considered that too, but at the end of the day, it needs to be said. If we can get up the courage to say it, then it will help, or at least I sure hope so. Love is never easy, at least in my experience."

Susan gives me a long stare and I can almost hear what she is thinking. Yes, Susan, I have dated a lot of women and I can't change that. I can never go back and correct mistakes in previous relationships, but then again, I don't think I would want to either. Each failed relationship has taught me something. I meet her gaze and just wait, I am not sure what else to say.

She finally sighs. "No, love is not easy."

I glance at my watch. "I have to go back, but I'll be home in a couple hours."

We kiss and then she heads to the parking while I go back into the ER. Peter grabs me for an incoming trauma and I end up in surgery, so it is an hour past the end of my shift by the time I get out. The great thing is though, Susan takes it in stride when I show up a bit late, once she hears we had a major MVA come in towards the end of the afternoon. She has been there, and I am grateful yet again to be married to someone who just gets it. So many doctors end up divorced, with the stress of the job, the long hours.

The next couple of days fly by, I have a session with the therapist, and we talk about doing a couples session next week, and I agree. We have delved into my addiction, my feelings about Lucy and my brother so far, and today we talk about Susan again. I am trying to let my feelings out, but it is not easy.

Finally I have a day off, and I have arranged to spend some time with Anna. She is in town and as promised we are going to catch up. I am both excited about this, but I also have a little sense of dread too. I know I will likely have to talk about my addiction, and I am not sure how she is going to react.

"Anna." I stand to give her a hug when she comes into the restaurant. Susan has opted out of our lunch, and I am a bit relieved in some ways. Not that I don't want her to hear our conversation, it will just be easier to catch up if I don't feel like I have to watch every word I say. And sadly, right now, I feel like I do.

Anna does not hesitate, she gives me warm hug, holding on maybe a few moments longer than expected, and giving me a kiss. I don't read anything into it, after all we are just friends, even though we lost touch after she left for Philly.

"John. It is so good to see you."

"You too. I'm really glad you called and let me know you were coming to town, it has been a very long time."

"Well, not so long. You were in Philly a while back, and you didn't look me up."

I can tell she is just teasing, and we fall right into our comfortable comradery.

"Right. Well I didn't exactly plan that trip, did I?" I give her a little wink.

"I know. How is Rachel doing?" I can see the concern on her face. Anna is a sweet and compassionate woman, something that attracted me to her when we worked together. And of course it doesn't hurt that she is a gorgeous woman either, and extremely intelligent. Everyone thought she was totally my type and they weren't wrong.

"Terrific actually. She is back in school full time, attending a teen support group, and back on track. She spent a good portion of the summer with us in Italy, and we had lots of good talks."

"You care a lot about that girl, I can tell." Her smiles is warm and approving.

"She's a great kid, Anna. Extremely bright and when she gets focused, she is a force to be reckoned with. I watched her grow up in a lot of ways, she came to see her dad quite a bit in the ER, and she lived with him for the last year or so before he died."

I can see the sadness fleet across her face.

"Mark was such a great doctor, and I enjoyed working with him, I bet he is missed at County." She can see the expression on my face. "What?"

"County will never be the same. Sadly a lot of the people who really knew Mark well have moved on to other hospitals. Kerry Weaver is still there, and some of the nurses would remember him, like Haleh and Chuny."

"What happened to Doug?"

"He is in Seattle now, with Carol Hathaway and their twin girls. I saw them when they came into town for Mark's funeral, and Susan keeps in touch with Carol a bit, but they have been gone for about 3 years now."

"That is great, they were so on again, and off again, it is nice they ended up together."

"And happy it seems."

"And look at you, married, with 4 kids. I somehow never pictured you with four kids, John. I was very surprised, and I must admit a bit hurt you never mentioned your daughter when we were friends. Shocked that you never seemed to go out and visit her."

"There's a reason for that Anna." I meet gaze. "I didn't know anything about her until Susan came back from Phoenix. She was four years old before I even knew I had a daughter, or she would have been part of my life. I am _not_ one of those guys."

I can tell she is mulling that over in her head, she was never one to speak in haste. Finally she reaches over and takes my hand.

"John, I am so sorry. That must have been very difficult for you to find out, but I am glad you know about her now."

"Me too. It was hard to find out, but I am grateful every day that I can be here now to watch her grow up. I always wanted kids, a family, and never thought it would happen."

She grins at me. "Oh, I knew it would, you were so good with the kids in the ER. You are good with people in general, though you are a bit stubborn at times. It got you in trouble quite a lot."

"It still does at times, but I am better at controlling it, on the majority of occasions anyway. How about you? Seeing anyone special?"

I can hear her soft sigh. "No one at the moment. Max and I didn't work out, you were right, he was never going to change and the drug addiction became too much to deal with. I wish I had stayed in Chicago, that I had given us a chance. I cared a lot about you, and I have often regretted walking away, and now it's too late. I can see you are in love with your wife."

"I am in love with her, very much so, and I can't imagine being without her and my family. But, I did care deeply for you, Anna, and I missed you horribly when you left. I think I drove everyone crazy for the first while."

"Ah, you are just saying that to make me feel better."

"No, Anna, I'm not, but I respected your decision to do what made you happy. I wish it had made you happy, you deserve it."

"Still the same sweet lovable John. I have missed you so much, you know I have often thought about coming back to Chicago, but of course my parents and brothers are still in Philly." She filled me in a bit on the antics and escapades of her brothers, and my heart aches slightly. All the recent talk about family and Bobby with the therapist have made me miss what I didn't have even more.

"How's Chase doing?" Her lovely face lights up as she mentions his name, she was fond of him, though they didn't get to know each other all that well.

"He died, Anna. A while back." I hate to break the news to her, but I don't know how else to do this other than be totally up front.

Her hands pop up to her face and I can see the shock and loss. "No, what happened?"

"Just damage to his internal organs as a whole, especially his heart." I have always been pretty honest with Anna, and the next words just come out naturally. "We both know I should have just let him go when he came in and had been down so long. It was painful, for everyone to see him like that for so long, he was never able to do what he loved. He lost everything when he overdosed, and it was wrong, I just couldn't stand to let him go."

Her breath comes out with force, she sounds a bit frustrated when she starts to talk. "If I was in your shoes, and it was one of my brothers, I don't know if I could have let go either. I share the blame, John, I was right there in the room with you, and I could have stopped you. Such a waste of talent, you know I remember how beautiful his pictures were and it was a great loss in the art community. I wish I'd had the chance to see an exhibition of his work, and be able to buy one of his pieces."

"He was talented, no question about it. He had a really great body of work built up, I actually have most of it."

"You do? Didn't his parents want it?"

"Are you kidding? They wouldn't know good art or talent if it hit them in the face. They rode him to sit in an office and be a good little Carter, go into the family business." I know I sound really bitter, his parents were so much like mine. "They were going to dispose of it all, and I happened to be there and asked if I could take it. They didn't care one way or another. Asked me why I would want all that garbage, so I just took all the pieces that I could locate. Most are in storage right now, one day I need to go through it all."

I can see Anna is horrified at the thought that it could have all ended up at the dump. As it is, I have negatives and proof sheets, along with pretty much all of his printed work, his paintings and drawings. I even have all of his camera equipment, his parents didn't want anything out of his apartment aside from a few of the valuable jewellery items.

"I would love to see some of it, John, it should not be hidden away."

"You're right, I should make some time soon and go through it all. Remind me later and I will pull some of it out. A couple of my favourites are hung up at the house."

"Right, you mentioned that you are at your grandmother's house now. It is so good that you mended the fences with her, I know you were on the outs for quite a while after the whole thing with Chase."

"Yes, we finally made up, it still isn't easy all the time."

"Family never is, mine can be overwhelming and bossy at times too. Though maybe yours take the cake."

We spend the next couple of hours catching up, then I take her out to the house. She has been dying to see my kids, pictures are just not enough for her. Of course she is wonderful with them, the twins are now walking and making lots of sounds, I swear they are so close to saying their first words.

Both girls are entranced by her, she really met her calling by going into pediatrics. I hope one day she will find the love of her life and have her own family.

We have a lively dinner, Susan is polite and I know she is trying to be friendly with Anna, and I give her credit for that, but I can see it is not easy for her. I sigh inwardly, so many of my friends are women and she seems so insecure, no matter how much I reassure her.

I get it, I really do, I have my own issues, but some days I want to just sit and weep, I have been feeling on edge, watching every word when I am around other women. Especially when Susan is there, I can't show too much affection or she might think it's something it isn't. I know it is something that we are going to have to get into at therapy and I do not want to deal with it. I am scared to even bring it up.

Susan offers to take the kids up to bed, I give them all hugs and kisses, and then I'm left with Anna.

"Your family is lovely, John. Beautiful children." She looks wistful as she says this.

"Thanks Anna. Hey, did you want to see some of those pictures?"

She nods. "I would love that, are they handy?"

"Yes, they are upstairs in storage." I lead her up the stairs and to the left towards the guest rooms, instead of to the right where our suite of rooms is located. Then we go up another flight, and into the attic. I love the attic, strangely enough, it is not creepy or dark like a lot of them. It is well lit, organized and surprisingly dust free, and I assume someone from the staff cleans it periodically.

The attic holds a lot of great memories, Bobby, Chase and I used to play up here, it was like a treasure trove and a great place to stay out of the way. It also holds sad memories, I remember coming up here after Bobby died, in an effort to stay out of the way, and would spend hours just hiding out. No one even noticed I was gone most of the time.

Anna seems to hold the same opinion. "This is the cleanest and most organized attic I have ever seen in my life."

"Over here are all the boxes from Chase's apartment." I flick on some more lights.

We spend the next while flipping through pictures, some framed, some just in folders, but I am amazed yet again at the volume of work he produced.

"John, these are so beautiful, so good. You should think about showing them, or finding a way to get them displayed." She holds up one of the prints. "I think this is my absolute favourite."

I stand beside her as she admires the signed print. I have to agree, it is an incredible piece of work, one that I haven't seen before. It was hidden in one of the folders, and appears to be one of his later works of art. I put it aside, an idea forming in my mind as I do.

"You have a great eye for art, Anna, you are an amazing doctor, but you would have been great in the art world too."

"No, my love is medicine, like you I could never see doing anything else. But I do love these pieces."

"Me too. I have been thinking a bit about what you said. It really is a shame that this is all hidden away. I might find a gallery and take in a few pieces and see if we could get them displayed. I bet Chase would have liked that."

I feel her arm slide around me. "I bet he would have. That is such a great idea, John. Let the world see some of his work."

I have a million thoughts rushing through my head, and ideas flood in. "Anna, help me pick about 4 or 5 pieces you think are his best."

We spend a few minutes and find several. I carefully take them, with Anna's help, down to the study. We set them up and I nod in satisfaction. They are so good. I know I am biased, but I really do think that they are great, he had such an eye, and I miss him terribly at that moment. He was really a gentle soul, and I resent that grandfather beat the life out of him, in a figurative way of course. The pressure to fit the mold was intense, and I barely escaped myself.

"Thank you, for your help."

I know she is pleased that I asked her.

"Can we go for a walk, just the two of us? I would love to see the property, it is really beautiful out here."

"Sure, why don't we do a quick tour of the grounds and then I'll take you up to see the horses?

She nods, and we put on our shoes and light sweaters as the sun is starting to set and it is now cooling off a bit. We walk in silence for a bit, Anna seems so preoccupied.

"I'm sorry about how I left." She finally blurts out and stops in her tracks.

"What?" I am a bit confused, this came out of nowhere.

"When I left Chicago, John. I knew you had feelings for me, but I got all sensitive about the missing drugs and Max, and I just left. You were such a good friend to me, we shared so much during that year, yet I just left without even a proper goodbye. And I have regretted it many times. You know how many times I picked up the phone and then lost the courage to call? I thought about you every day after I left."

I am nonplussed. I had no idea she ever thought about me at all. I was hurt after she left, I had told her how I felt, and she ran back to Max. It showed in my work, and was probably part of the reason why I was such a beast at times to Lucy. I think I purposely pushed Lucy away, I was scared to get close to someone so soon after Anna. After all, I had a string of women who just couldn't stand to stick around. Harper, Susan, Abby, Elaine and then of course Anna. Not to mention my lousy relationship with Roxane, and later my failed relationship with Rena. And the other women who were but ghosts, flitting in and out of my life so quickly I can't remember some of them. Ones that were there more to ease my loneliness and guilt.

"Anna." I breathe this out. "It's ancient history."

"I know, but I am sorry. I wish I had at least said goodbye. I left in anger, and yet you are still my friend. And you were right! He lied to me, he cheated on me, and he was still using drugs."

"I'm sorry too. I wish I was wrong about Max."

"I made such a huge mistake, John. If I had stayed…do you think we would have lasted? As a couple? I have thought about it quite a bit, how I should never have left, never have let you get away."

"I honestly don't know. I know I cared about you, and I missed you. Would we have worked out?" I shrug. Boy, why is she telling me this now? I can barely deal with what she is saying. "Besides, it's not like I am so much better than Max in the end."

Her eyes cut to me and they are full of questions. "What are you talking about?"

I hate this part, but I have to let the chips fall where they may. "You should be happy you left. I ended up with my own demons and I am glad you were far away, and safe."

"Safe from what? You're scaring me."

I stop and sit on one of the benches that we have scattered around the property. Anna sits beside me and I can feel her stare.

"About 3 years ago, we had a patient in the ER, and he was an undiagnosed schizophrenic. He experienced a break and he ended up stabbing and killing my med student. And he ended up stabbing me too."

Her intake of breath is sharp. "You were stabbed? At work? Why did I never hear about this?"

"You were long gone by then, you had been gone almost two years."

"But you're okay?"

"As okay as I can be I guess. He stabbed me twice in the back, and it took months of physio to get properly mobile, and sometimes I still have issues with my back. I lost function of a kidney, underwent hours of surgery. And became a drug addict."

The silence is deafening. I can feel her disappointment, seeping into my soul. I stare at my hands, I can't look at her. Then by some miracle, I feel her arms wrap around me and her embrace is warm and reassuring.

"John, I wish I had known. I wish I had been there for you, maybe if I hadn't left it would have been different." She is sobbing, crying and I feel terrible.

"Anna, don't cry. It's not your fault. It's my own fault for not being more attentive that day. You can't blame yourself for getting on with your life." I pull her into my chest and I can feel her tears soaking my shirt. I feel a sense of relief, I have been dreading telling her this, that she would hate me. After all, I sure was hard on Max about his addiction.

"And abandoning my good friend, without so much as I love you and I'll miss you. You could have died, and I would never have had the chance to see you again. Tell me what happened."

I briefly tell her how the event transpired, and how I turned to painkillers to try and deal with the physical and emotional fallout. How I still sometimes have nightmares. "Are you disappointed?"

"No. Never. John, you had the courage to fight your addiction, you are clean now. What happened to you was traumatic, and terrible, and I can never judge you. I know your family is not supportive, or even around."

"I had friends though, I should have let them help."

"Easy to say in hindsight. You hold on to too much guilt, John. You are human, and by nature none of us are perfect. Chase made his choice, I know addiction, and he would never have gone to rehab until he was ready. Telling your family could have just as tragic of results, considering how much pressure they put on you two. What happened with Lucy, and your own addiction, if the people around you could not see that you were suffering from PTSD. John I am so shocked that no one paid enough attention to notice."

"Well, they have their own lives, Anna. Their own families and issues, why should they have been responsible for me too?"

I can feel her hands on my face, and she turns me so we are only inches apart, and staring into each other's eyes. "That is what friends do, John. They should have been better friends, just like I should have been a better friend. Don't let it take over your life, you need to let it all go."

"So do you. You didn't owe me anything either, and you did what was best for you. I get that, you needed to get over Max, and until you did, we would never have worked anyway. We can never know, I love my family, and it's far too late for us. Though I will always value and treasure your friendship. I really do hope that you will always be my friend, and that you will stay in touch."

"I will, John. I promise. And I know it's too late for there to be anything more than friendship between us. Are you truly happy?"

"Most days? Yes. I have to be honest though, marriage is a lot tougher than I imagined."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, I guess."

"Susan doesn't seem to like me much. Do you know why?"

Anna was always far too intuitive and observant, and I know I can't lie to her, she will see right through me.

"Ah, that. Well, it's not that she doesn't like you. It has just been a bit rough lately, and I don't know quite what to do sometimes."

I know she is watching me closely, but she says nothing. The silence deepens and I finally start to talk. It kind of comes out in a flood. How I feel like I am walking on eggshells right now, that I love Susan, but I don't feel like she fully trusts me.

"That is the problem, Anna. I told her that we never dated, that you were just a friend, and that you had a guy you were still in love with, but it doesn't seem to matter. She seems suspicious, though she has let us be alone, I am not really sure what she is thinking. The lack of trust is wearing, you know?"

Anna nods. "I get it. But she can probably sense that there were feelings between us, John. I was conflicted, I have to admit, I was still hung up on Max, but I was a bit in love with you at the same time. I won't even pretend here, if you were still single, I would be asking you out on a date. There is an attraction between us, plain and simple, I feel it, do you?"

"Yeah, I do, you are a beautiful, wonderful woman, and at one time I would have given anything to be with you." No point in lying. "But it doesn't change the fact that I love Susan, she is my wife, and you can only ever be a friend. Our chance went by a long time ago, I feel like I have lived a lifetime since then."

"I know John, and I would never ask you to do anything that would jeopardize your marriage or your happiness. As you admitted, Susan has not had the best luck with men, and then she falls in love with you. I can kind of see her issue, by your own admission, you have had quite the parade of women in and out of your life. All of them smart, beautiful accomplished women. Cut her some slack John, if the shoe was on the other foot, I bet you might be feeling a bit insecure too."

"Well, sometimes I do anyway. I have never been able to keep a relationship together for long, I have wanted to be with that one special person forever. And I've found her, and for some reason I thought that when I found them it would just be easy. But it's not, Anna, it's impossibly difficult. She is worried about the women in my life, and I am waiting for her to get tired of me and leave. What chance do we even have? How are we ever going to get through this? I have been watching every word I say, trying not to rock the boat, trying to keep my distance from other women so she doesn't worry, but it's taking it's toll, Anna. I love her so much, but, she left before, you know? She left and excluded me from our child's life for four years."

"And now she's here, and you have everything, John. Don't forget how hard that must have been for her. Cutting all her ties in Chicago, knowing that she could toast your career and hers too if anyone had found out about the two of you being together. I both understand and hate the policy, John, but it is there and she had limited options. She made a mistake, she has apologized and you have accepted her back into your life. Now grow up and let it go, or you really are going to push her away. She's here, you're here, there has got to be a reason for that. Stop thinking you have to guard every word, or that she is going to leave. I know your life has not been easy, but don't think that you are the only one who has had bad things happen. Just let yourself be happy. You can't say you forgive her then take it back when it's convenient for you. You can be such an idiot sometimes."

"Well, tell me how you really feel." I am trying not to laugh, she is so fierce, I have missed her so much. She grew up with 7 brothers and does not hold back when she thinks someone is being an ass.

The corners of her mouth twitch. "I'll try to hold back next time. But honestly, you are so thick sometimes I want to whack you over the head. She loves you, you love her, how the hell is that so difficult? You are making your own issues, stop being so damn insecure and just love the woman already. Quit wasting time, yes things have happened, deal with it. You have everything I would love to have, a home, a family, someone to come home to every night, a life partner. If you screw it up because of what other women have done in the past, then don't cry to me about it. Seriously John, get it together."

"Ah Anna, I have missed you, so much. Why the hell are we paying a therapist so much, I just needed you."

"You're welcome. Now let's go see these horses, and then maybe you could give me a ride back into town? Then come home and make it all up to your wife."

I drive Anna into town later, and drop her at her hotel. I give her a warm hug, and feel a sense of closure. She has made me realize that sometimes when women leave, it isn't just about me, and I shouldn't feel so abandoned just because of my mother. We vow to keep in touch, and I promise her I will mend things with Susan.

It is starting to get late, and the main floor is quiet. I tread softly up the steps and check in on all the kids. Their sleeping angelic faces make me smile, I love them all so much and I kiss each one gently before I go back to our room.

Susan is in bed, reading a novel. Wow, it is amazing that she has time for some fiction, it is all I can do to keep up on all the medical journals and I have fallen behind. Rachel and I were spending a lot of time studying each morning on our trip, but we also talked a lot. I would not give up those mornings for anything, and I make a mental note to start calling her more regularly.

"Anna get back to her hotel okay?" There is a slight edge to her voice, but I try not to let it get to me.

"Yes, she did. I just dropped her and came right back. There was a bit of traffic, they are repaving on the one road, it was backed up and I had to do a detour."

Susan gives me a look, like I am making excuses. "You had a good visit?"

"We did. She was a good friend then, and she still is now. She helped me pick out some of Chase's work, I think I might try and get some of it into a gallery. He was so talented, and I have so much work, I think he would like someone to see it finally."

"That's a good idea, I love the pieces we have hung. Maybe we should to through them together one day, I would love to see more."

"Really? I didn't know you had an interest, but I would love to show them to you. The more I see of his stuff, the more I realize he was wasted working for the family business."

"I agree. Are you coming to bed?"

"I just want to brush my teeth, and then yes." I take a few minutes and freshen up in the bathroom. By the time I come out, Susan has the lights dimmed a bit, but she is still reading. I crawl in beside her and move close. "What are you reading?"

She gives me a quick rundown and then sets it aside. I can't help but give her a very deep kiss.

"What was that for?"

"I keep saying, do I need a reason to kiss my wife?"

"No, but." She trails off and looks away.

I know where this is going, but I am not going to avoid it. I reach over and gently take her chin in my hand and turn her so she is looking at me.

"No, but what?"

She is silent, and a single tear drips down her face. It's like she can't bring herself to voice what is bothering her.

I sigh softly and gently brush the tear away with my thumb. "Is this about Anna?"

She finally nods and whispers. "Yes."

"You know we never dated, and nothing is going on with us, aside from friendship. She knows how I feel about you, Susan, she is not that kind of person. At all. She is not a threat."

"You two were gone a long time."

"Well, we had a lot to catch up on. I filled her in on the past 4 years of my life, and she told me about hers."

"You told her about everything?"

"Depends on what you mean by everything. But I did tell her about the stabbing and addiction, and we talked about it a bit. She dealt with Max and his addiction for a long time, she was good to talk to. She was also good to talk to about Chase, she knew him when he was still...well Chase, not the shell he became."

"Did you talk about you and me?"

"Yes, a bit. You and the kids are a huge part of my life, I can't avoid talking about it, and why should I?"

"You promise there is nothing going on?"

I meet her gaze and look deep into her eyes. "I love you, not her. There is nothing going on, okay?"

"Okay." This is a whisper.

I gently kiss her again, letting the kiss deepen naturally. We lay there for a long time, just kissing and holding each other. She finally slides her hands up my shirt and I help her take it off, followed by her nightie and the very few other pieces of clothing keeping us apart.

Her skin is so soft and I take my time, lavishing attention on her, stroking and caressing her, trying to put every ounce of my love into every touch. I feel rewarded by her soft moans of pleasure and how she entwines our fingers while we make love to each other.

"I love you baby." I whisper this against her luscious lips before giving her another passionate kiss. I treasure how she wraps her arms around me and holds me close in the aftermath, keeping her leg looped over my hip as we roll slightly so I can keep my weight off of her. How we kiss gently for a few moments before she sighs and cuddles close.

Her voice is soft and breathless. "Mmmm, I could use a bit of that every day."

I keep my voice soft and low as well. "Me too. That was so good."

We make love several more times that night, I feel like neither of us can get enough of each other. I cherish nights like this, I know I am going to be tired tomorrow, but hey, I will have a smile on my face. We finally both fall into an exhausted sleep, wrapped up together in the middle of the bed. I sleep the best I have in quite a while, and I feel hope again.

I wake up the next morning, and we are still a tangle of limbs, her sleepy green eyes meeting mine with a little sparkle I have not seen for a while. I can feel her fingers drifting through my hair, caressing the back of my neck. I know it is still really early, but I don't mind that she has woken me up.

"Do you have to work today?" She murmurs against lips as she gives me a good morning kiss.

"Yes, but not until noon."

"Oh good, so you have a bit of time." She gets an impish grin.

"I like the way you think."

We get lost in our own little world for the next while, finally coming up for air.

"Wow. That was intense." She has a bit of a giggle in her voice and I love it. It's like the walls are breaking down, and we are connecting again.

"You are wearing me out, baby. But I'm not complaining, it was amazing." We snuggle and kiss for a few minutes before my stomach starts to grumble.

"I think someone needs breakfast."

"And coffee. I am going to have a shower, would you care to join me?" I give her a little suggestive wink then slide out of bed. I am never shy, so I don't bother with a robe or any sort of clothes, our door is shut and locked.

"Nice ass." She playfully gives a little whistle as I arrive in the bathroom and flick the water on in the shower. It is not long before she has joined me. I love our shower, it is huge, and has two rain shower spouts that come from the ceiling so we have lots of room.

Surprisingly we both have energy for one more lovemaking session before we rinse and towel dry. By the time we dress and collect the twins who are now both babbling in their cribs, both of the girls are dressed for school and having breakfast.

Once the girls are gone, we play with the twins and finally tuck them in for a nap, before I get ready to head into town. I collect one of the pieces from Chase, I have one place I want to visit before I go to work. Of course we do know some of the gallery owners in town, and I have a feeling that this particular one will like his work quite a lot.

The piece is carefully wrapped and I wander into the gallery, greeted by a young woman.

"Good morning sir, can I assist you?"

"Is Sandro around this morning?"

"He's busy at the moment, could I give him your name?"

"John Carter. I have a piece I wanted him to take a look at."

She nods and disappears, but it is not long before Sandro himself pops out of the back.

"John! It has been ages, what have you been up to?"

"Oh the usual, work, keeping the wife happy."

"The wife? Well, you have been busy. Kids?"

"Those too, 4 of them actually. How about you?"

"Ashton is great thanks. So what can I do for you?"

"I have a piece I wanted you to look at, give me an opinion. A really honest opinion."

"I can to that, I don't say I like it if I don't, you know that."

He carefully unwraps the photo and places it on a specially designed holder near the desk, then steps back. "John, I had no idea you were a photographer. And a good one too. This is magnificent, look at the life, the composition. Do you have more?"

"I have more, but it's not my work. You remember Chase?"

"Of course. I was so sorry to hear about his passing. He was a terrific guy." He stares at the signature. "Is this his work?"

"Uh huh."

"That makes sense. I remember him driving everyone crazy with his camera. He used to draw comic books and do caricatures too. There was one of that crazy English teacher, got him sent to detention I believe."

"Oh, I forgot all about that! It was so good too, but not very flattering to the teacher. I do have a at least a couple boxes of sketch books and other art projects that he did, I will have to look at those one day."

"So you own this?"

"Yes, his parents didn't want any of his work, so I have pretty much his whole collection. There are well over 100 pieces of work. Photos, paintings and drawings that Chase did before he died. Most of it is signed, and I have his negatives, pretty much everything. I was wondering if its possible to get some of it shown."

"You have all of it? That is a lot of artwork."

"I know, but I thought it was good, and it would have been trashed. You know his parents didn't think much of his photography or art."

"A real shame too. So,I didn't know you were short of money. Digging out his artwork and trying to get it shown."

"I'm not. It's just that it is good and it may sound a bit strange, but Chase kind of kept his work to himself. I know he was trying to put together a collection, and his dream was to show his work some day."

"So that is why you want to show his work? Because he didn't get to?"

"If I can find a gallery that's interested? Yes. What do you think?"

"I think I'd like to see the rest of his collection. Can I come out and see it?"

"Sure. I am heading in to work, but we can arrange a day for you to come out for a viewing."

"Okay. Since you are in possession of all the work, and we know Chase is deceased, then if I think there is enough there, we could arrange a showing. Would you be interested in selling any of it?"

"Perhaps. I have a few favorites that I would want to keep the originals of, but do you think his stuff would sell?"

"It just might. I bet you could get some good money for some of it, John. Not that you need it."

"No, but I had a thought. I might set up a fund, like a scholarship for young artists. For kids who show promise but don't have the money to attend school. The Chase Carter Memorial or something like that. It is a shame to hide his work away, and I have a feeling he would like the idea of supporting some kids to pursue their dreams. I don't need the money, you are right about that, but this isn't about money. Chase never got to realize his dream, and if we can make it come true now, then why not? And make a dream come true for an aspiring artist at the same time?"

I can feel Sandro staring at me, and I glance over at him.

"I think Chase would be very pleased with that idea, John. If the rest of his stuff is as good as this, we could take prints before we sold the original piece. Or you could keep ownership of the originals and just sell the prints. If you market them correctly, you could have a good income stream coming in to build a very nice scholarship fund. The arts are underfunded, and I see lots of raw talent come through here that could benefit from just a touch of formal education. We have the Chicago Art Institute, I bet they would love a scholarship to give financial assistance to some of those kids."

I pull out a card. "Here is my contact information, let me know when you might want to come out, and we will talk. I love the idea of doing prints, though in some cases I might sell the originals as well. I don't have room to display everything at home, and if we can sell some of it, that would be so great. Chase would have loved his stuff hung on someones wall, being enjoyed.

We set up a time in a few days when I am off shift, and I go to work with a smile on my face. I feel really good about my day so far.


	61. Chapter 61

I am laying in the sun, enjoying my freedom before I return to work. The girls in school and the twins napping upstairs, life feels pretty sweet right now.

Well, almost freedom, John and I have a counseling session together tomorrow and I have been thinking long and hard about what needs to be said. I know I have my own set of issues and insecurities, some of it stemming from Chloe and how my parents always seem to take her side, some of it from the lousy men I have let into my life. I love being a doctor, but there has been a price to pay there as well, I have lost connection with a lot of friends over time, simply because of the hours it put into my work.

There has been a very definite shift with John and I, and a good one too. The last couple of nights have been incredible, I felt closer to him than I have in months. I swear the earth almost moved, I felt loved and needed and _wanted_. Not just wanted sexually, but really like he truly wants me in his life.

Silly for me to doubt it, he has told me often enough that he wants to be with me, forever and always. But those are just words, and my insecurities are still getting the best of me, far too often.

It is strange that it was so good with us the night after he had spent most of the day out with Anna. Typically, like other women in his life, she is simply gorgeous, intelligent, accomplished, and incredibly sweet and kind. The kids all loved her, and I could see her obvious affection for John. They have a strong bond, it is still there even though she left Chicago close to 5 years ago.

She knew Chase, she was the one who helped John try to get Chase off of Heroin. She was there when Chase came into the ER. She knew him when he was still a fully functioning person, and it seemed she cared about him too.

I never knew Chase, except as the person he became after his brain injury, and the damage was so severe, he was never the same person again. I have seen his work, and I agree with John that he had talent, and I love that John is now doing something with all those pictures squirreled away in the attic. It sounds like his friend at a gallery downtown is going to come out and view all the work, and maybe put on a show.

Even more brilliant is the idea John seems to have come up with, and that is maybe even selling some of it, and using the funds to set up a scholarship for emerging artists to use towards tuition for an art program. It seems like it is something Chase would have liked, to have his work sold and displayed. A great legacy if John can pull it off, I know he is off work tomorrow and the gallery owner is coming out to take a look at all of it.

It took Anna coming to get him to do it, and I have to admit to the jealousy flooding my soul. I still think her comment back in the hospital in Philly, about letting the right guy get away was referring to John. What if she is going to try and get him back? What if she turns out to be like Abby?

Except she is far more special to him that Abby ever was, it seems he recognized somewhere along the way that Abby is far too broken. Her resentments and issues run so deep that it drives her to do things I could never have imagined, she let it make her selfish and think it was okay to try and ruin John's life and career. Painful for him, but he seems to be handling the loss of her friendship far better than I imagined he would. I know she was support for him when he came back from Atlanta, but his circle has widened considerably since then, he has reconnected with friends that want only what is best for him. She clearly does not.

Two nights ago, it felt like he was speaking to my very soul, he looked into my eyes and said nothing was going on with her. That he loved me, not her, and I don't think he was lying, but I can feel my insecurities rising, choking me and I cannot just sit here any longer, I need to be in motion.

I change, then take Cairo for a long ride, by the time I am back, the twins are up and the girls are due back from school.

The evening rushes by, I am very busy with the kids as Louisa has the night off. Millicent is wonderful though, she sits and lets each girl read to her as I get the twins bathed and into bed. I remember wondering how she would like having her home invaded, but it seems she loves it. The last couple of years have been very tough for her, losing the man she loved and not having her family around. I hope when our children grow up they will still be close to us, that we have learned from our parents mistakes.

It is quite late when John arrives home, but I am still awake, trying to finish reading the novel I started. I have so much milling through my head, and I want to talk to him. I hear his footsteps go past our door, I know he always looks in on the kids when he gets home. It is only minutes before our door opens.

"Hey, you're still awake." He comes in, his tie is loose and the top buttons undone. He always does this the minute he gets in the car after work, like his tie is choking him. He removes his tie and unbuttons the cuffs of his shirt, then comes over and gives me a quick kiss. "I need a quick shower to get the hospital smell off."

I can smell the antiseptic tang clinging to his clothing and hair. "Tough day?"

"Not too bad, we had some tough cases, but no one died, so it was a relatively good day. You staying awake for a few minutes?"

"If you are going to be quick."

"5 minutes, that is all I need." He drops his shirt in the hamper and his suit in the bag for the dry cleaners and he disappears into the bathroom.

Once he comes back out, I put aside my book and click off my bedside lamp, dropping the room into dim light, with only the lamp on his side still lit. He crawls into bed and moves close, opening his arms, inviting me to snuggle up to him. I sigh in contentment, I almost don't want to talk at all, but just lay here in his arms.

"John, I am so glad you're home." I kiss him deeply.

"Mmm, me too. This is a nice welcome home, everything okay?" He can sense something, he knows me too well for me to hide the turmoil in my mind.

"Can't hide much from you, can I."

"Why would you try? Susan, we are trying to deal with a lot of things, if you are hiding what you feel, what you are thinking, then we don't have any chance at all of fixing things. Tell me what you are thinking."

"I don't want to make you upset, or angry with me."

He sits up and looks at me. "Why would I be upset or angry?" He watches me intently, then sighs as I say nothing. He slides away from me and sits on the side of the bed, his head in his hands. "What now? What did I do this time?" I can hear the frustration in his voice, and I have trouble speaking.

He glances back at me. "Talk to me Susan, what?"

I choke on my words and the silence becomes unbearable. He finally gets up and throws on some sweatpants and a sweatshirt, then leaves the room, the door clicking shut softly behind him.

That did not go well, at all, I want to kick myself. Why could I not just tell him? Instead I start something then chicken out.

I slide out of bed and pull on my own set of sweatpants and shirt, then pad down the hallway, wondering where he went. I tiptoe down to the main level, and he is nowhere to be found. I even check the patio area outside and wonder where he would go.

A thought flits through my mind, about where he might go, his car keys are on the tray by the door, so he has not left the estate. The stables? I pull on a sweater and shoes and start walking.

The door to the main barn is slightly ajar and I step in, hearing the soft sounds as the horses move restlessly in their stalls. I pull it shut behind me, hearing the latch snick shut.

I called it correctly, John is with Eclipse, his head resting on the horse's silky neck. I stand there for a moment, not sure if he recognizes I am there.

"You found me." He says this softly. "I guess you know me better than I thought."

"I don't know why you are so surprised, I can see how comforting and relaxing the horses are, I feel it myself." Cairo nickers at me and I step over the greet him, running my hand down his velvety soft nose. "I have been coming up to ride whenever I feel a bit stressed about things, and I always feel better."

"Why won't you talk to me? I love you so much, but how are things going to get better if you are hiding?" This comes seemingly out of nowhere.

I exhale, a rush of air leaving my chest as I realize he is right. I am hiding, in plain sight.

"You hide things too, John. You still won't tell me a lot about when you were a kid."

"Things that are irrelevant to right here and right now, Susan. Things that happened 20 years ago, before I even knew you. I have the feeling that whatever is bothering you is very much about the here and now, about us, and about _our_ marriage. So, if you want to be married, to me, and you want it to last, you need to just come out with whatever is bothering you and we will deal with it. Yes, I might be angry or upset, but right now I am just wondering what the hell is going on in your head and it's stressing me out."

I approach him and take his hand, pulling him to sit on one of the hay bales near the stalls, turning to straddle it so I am facing towards him. "I'm jealous, so what's new?" It is painful to admit out loud, but I am done running, hiding my emotions, or I am going to lose him. We are so close to the breaking point, and I know it, I can feel it.

"Of what, or of whom?" He frowns at me.

"Who else. Anna of course. I haven't forgotten her comment in Philly, you know, and I am quite positive she was talking about you."

I can hear his frustrated sigh. Then he looks at me. "You know, I have to admit I _am_ upset to hear you say this. Why are you not hearing me? Anna and I were never involved, we never had sex, and we never dated. We hung out. I had feelings for her back then, sure, but you know, that was years ago. You've had feelings for other guys while we were apart, you dated, slept with other men, as much as I don't like to think about it. But we have chosen to be together, and I don't take that commitment lightly. Anna is not trying to poach me, and I am not in love with her. She is a good person, my friend, and her visit was something I needed, but she is not and never will be a threat to our relationship, what you and I have. Are you listening, Susan, do you even hear what I am saying to you?" His voice has been rising as he goes on, he is on the edge of losing it, the cracks are starting to show.

"Yes, I hear you. And I'm sorry, that I am so insecure and crazy, but she is so your type." My voice is choked up and full of emotion, and a tear escapes and dribbles down my cheek.

"And so are you, baby." He reaches out and gently brushes the tear away with the back of his index finger. The tone of his voice has dropped, I can see he feels bad for driving me to tears with his words. "Even more so, I'm _in love with_ _you_ , not Anna. I have been in love with you ever since I met you 9 years ago. You can believe or not, but it's true, I feel like the luckiest guy on the planet to have you in my life." I can hear the truth and feeling in his words.

"I love you too, John, and have for a very long time."

"So _what_ is the problem? We have been down this road so many times, I have to keep reassuring you. We had these two amazing nights together, I thought you understood, but here we are yet again."

"I know, honey, I just can't help it, and I don't know why. Can I ask you something without you going ballistic?"

"Oh boy. Must be quite the question. Okay, shoot, I promise to listen and try to understand what and why you are asking."

"Fair enough." I inhale deeply and let it out slowly before I continue, trying to phrase it so he understands. I don't want it to come out as an attack, it's not. I keep my voice level and even. "What happened that day, what did Anna say to you? You came home and made love to me like…it's so hard to explain, but I feel like something was said or something happened and I felt this whole shift in our relationship and that is why I feel so damn insecure."

I can see by the way he looks at me, that I am not entirely wrong, something was said, something happened between him and Anna.

John nods slowly, I can see the understanding in his eyes. "Anna is an incredibly intelligent and intuitive woman, and she did give me a very valuable piece of advice. You are also equally as intelligent and intuitive so it obviously did not escape you. So, I will tell you what she said, in a nutshell." He reaches out and takes both of my hands in his, looking into my eyes. "She told me to grow the fuck up and let bygones be just that. She reminded me that I have everything that is important in life, right here, right now. Everything she wished she had. A partner, who is there when I need them, a family, four beautiful children, a wife I am desperately in love with. She told me to get on with life and quit making things so damn complicated, to just love you and appreciate everything I have. And I am trying to do just that. Let go of all the extraneous crap and get back to the real reason I am here, with you. Why I am trying so damn hard to make this marriage work."

"And that is?"

"Because I love you and I can't live without you. There is no other woman on this entire planet that I would rather be with." His eyes hold mine as he says this.

My breath hitches and my heart almost stands still as those words sink deep into my heart.

I am speechless. My first thought is how I want to cry that those words have come out of his mouth, so honestly and openly. The second thought is holy shit, Anna said that to him? She is not even remotely like Abby, and I can see I grossly misjudged everything. When he made love to me that night, it was intense, I felt loved, and whole, like everything would be okay, and I know it is only my own little insecurities that are chipping away at the memory of what we shared with each other that night. Our souls met, every ounce of love that we felt for each other was in the room with us and I am letting my own stupidity erode it.

He is watching me closely, I think he can see I am processing everything and I finally feel able to speak.

"Oh baby, I can't live without you either."

I slide off the hay bale, kneeling in front of him, running my hands along his thighs before reaching up to wrap my arms around his neck. His lips come down to claim mine in an incredibly passionate kiss as he lifts me up, pulling me so I straddle his knees. I slide my hands up under his sweatshirt as he caresses my face, tucking my hair back behind my ear.

I wrap my legs around his waist and he stands, taking me with him into the tack room. He flips a blanket down over the straw on the floor, before laying me out and covering my body with his. Clothes are being discarded, and before long we are both completely undressed, his skin so warm and smooth under my fingertips. We make love right then and there, our cries of passion mingling with the soft stamping of hoofs and soft nickering and sounds of the horses.

He wraps me tight in his arms, and holds me close as we both try to regain our breath, and I feel so loved and whole. We have taken another big step forward in healing our relationship, we have been able to communicate and listen. Not to just the words, but what our hearts are saying to each other, and for the first time in a very long time, my insecurities are fading away.

 _This_ man loves me, deeply, passionately, and with his whole heart and soul, just as I love him. He has been trying so hard to show me, in so many different ways, but I have just not been listening. Now I am, my heart and mind are finally open, and I can feel him reaching out to me.

He is _not_ Div who left me callously without so much as a see you later, he is most certainly _not_ Brad who cheated and was unapologetic about screwing my so called good friend, and he is not a man who is toying with my emotions to whatever end suits him. This man is _my_ husband, the man who wants to be with _me_ , even with all my faults and insecurities, the man who wants to build a life with me, to raise our precious children together. The man who has welcomed my niece into his heart as fully as his own biological children, making her his daughter as much as Brooklynn and Hailey are his daughters. This is John, the man I love with all my heart.

I kiss him deeply, and we lay in comfortable silence for a while, and I can feel him playing with my rings. I have grown to love it when he does that, and it has been some time since he has. I think back and it hits me, he does it mostly when he is feeling very close to me. He turns my wedding band, the eternity band he had specially made just for me, it is steeped with meaning, proof of his love and commitment to me.

"I love you." I say it out loud, my voice echoing slightly off the high ceilings.

"I love you too, baby." His response is immediate, and I can see the corners of his mouth twitch into a smile before he starts to make love to me all over again.

It is quite some time later that I awake from sleep feeling slightly disoriented but surprisingly warm and comfortable, intimately entwined with John's naked body. At some point he has pulled another blanket over us and I realize where we are, on the floor in the stables. I notice the light is beginning to change, the barn is getting lighter as the sun starts to rise. We have been here for hours, making love to each other and fallen asleep.

I giggle slightly, thinking that this would be quite a sight for Frank, and maybe we should be putting on some clothing. I am not wearing a watch, and neither is John so I can only guess at the time. I work my fingers through John's hair, kissing him lightly.

"John, baby, wake up." I give him a gentle shake.

"Five more minutes." He mumbles, he obviously is so out of it, he doesn't realize where we are.

"No, you need to wake and put some clothes on." I whisper against his ear.

"Huh, what?" His eyes pop open and suddenly he knows where he is, and I can it dawning that it is light out. "What time is it?"

"I have no idea, but we have been here for a while. We better get dressed before Frank gets a bit of a surprise."

He laughs softly, even as his is rummaging around for his clothing. He hands me articles of my stuff too as he pulls on his sweatpants and shirt. "We slept out here all night? Damn, I'm going to be late for work."

"I think it's still quite early, and umm, I think you have the day off?" I am mostly dressed, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, and running my fingers through my hair, trying to restore some order to my unruly locks. I must be a sight, I hope we make it back into the house before anyone sees us.

"Oh, right, I think I'm not properly awake. I do have the day off, and Sandro is coming out at about 10 to see Chase's art." He gives me a sleepy grin.

John folds the blankets, then we leave the barn, after brushing straw out of each others hair. He holds my hand with our fingers entwined as we stroll back towards the house.

I think about the advice John received, and how maybe I should embrace it as well.

"She is pretty wise, isn't she?" say this more to myself, but out loud and John glances at me.

"Who?"

"Anna. She gave you some good advice."

"Uh huh. And she is not in the least bit shy about giving me her opinion. There were a few times when we butted heads in the trauma room, we disagreed on the right course of action, and she called me out a couple times. She is a very good friend, and hey, she has 7 brothers, she knows when a guy needs to be told what's what."

"You weren't kidding about that? She really had 7 brothers? No wonder she is so strong willed."

"She and I are quite similar in a lot of ways, which is why our friendship has withstood the time apart. She is stubborn and so am I. And she has a heart of gold, Susan, she will never interfere in our marriage, she is not a homewrecker. When we made love that night, I was…trying to find a way to show you, you have my whole heart, you are part of me, but obviously it didn't work, if you doubted how I felt."

I shake my head. "Oh, no, it worked, and maybe I need to take her advice to heart too. When we made love after you spent the day with her, it felt like we were one person, I could feel your love, if that makes sense. But then my mind started to let all the insecurities seep in and my imagination ran away with me, I spent too much time thinking about it. Instead I should just be accepting it for exactly what it was, us making love to each other like no one else existed in the entire world." I look deep into his eyes. "After last night, there is absolutely no doubt in my mind how you feel." _  
_

He stops and turns to me, taking both of my hands. "You are finally hearing me, aren't you?"

I reach up and stroke his cheek, brushing my fingers down gently with a slight smile on my face. "Yes, I hear you, my heart hears you. I love you, and I know for sure, I want to be with you and I am so ready to put all of the extraneous crap, as you put it, behind us."

We share a deep kiss, before we turn back towards the house. We go in quietly, and I glance at the clock it is 5:30 am. John leads me upstairs and we make it into our room without incident.

"Well, I'm wide awake, I don't think I can go back to sleep." John flops on the bed.

I smirk and drop onto the bed beside him. "We snuck back from the stables, we should have gone for a ride."

"I thought you already did that." He gives me a playful kiss.

I smack his arm. "Stop it." But I have to laugh, his sense of humour is back full force, and I like it. "Seriously, do you want to get properly dressed and take the horses out?"

"Good idea, we can grab a cup of coffee, and go out for an hour or so. Our appointment is not until this afternoon, right?"

"Yes, at 1, so we have lots of time. Louisa is here this morning, Alger will drop the girls at school, and Louisa has the twins."

He nods in satisfaction, then gives me a long kiss before we both get ready. It doesn't take long to brush teeth and hair, and put on some riding clothes. John is done before me, I rinse quickly in the shower keeping my hair dry before I dress and head down the stairs. John meets me at the door with two travel mugs of coffee and a small bag emitting a fragrant aroma.

"Breakfast." He winks at me.

"Corinne is up?"

"Uh huh, and she made us those breakfast sandwiches you love so much."

"Ah, she is a marvel that woman."

John opens the door and ushers me through as I sip my fresh coffee as we wander back to the stables. We sit and have our breakfast and sip a bit more coffee. I finish eating while John pulls Eclipse out and gets him ready, then he bridles and saddles Cairo for me, making the horse walk a few feet, then readjusting the girth

He hands me up onto Cairo, then mounts Eclipse easily. We head up the trail, alternating gaits, letting the horses out for a good run once they are warmed up a bit. We chat easily during some parts, and ride in companionable silence in others. We are out for a good hour before we turn back, and I feel flushed and happy as we arrive back at the stables.

We get back to the house in time to say good morning to the girls before they go to school and then we both shower and dress. The twins are up and we chase them around outside for a while, they are toddling around on wobbly legs now, and they giggle and smile easily. The both are happy little souls, receiving plenty of love everywhere they turn in our house.

Sandro arrives just before 10 am, and I accompany them first into the office, where John has a few pieces gathered up that were displayed in various places around the mansion. Along with a few favorite pieces he picked with Anna. Sandro looks at all of them, but he doesn't say much, just stands and looks at each piece for a few moments.

"Where is the rest?"

John motions for Sandro to follow him and we go up the attic. He points at the area where we have all the folders and boxes from Chase's apartment, and John lets Sandro flip through it all freely.

I notice that Sandro seems to be sorting the work as he goes, and by the time he is done he has quite a pile on one side, and a much smaller pile on the other.

"Okay let's go talk."

We settle in the study, which is a bit less formal than the living room and Corinne brings in some coffee and snacks.

"What did you think?"

"I think that we should try putting on a show. The work is magnificent, John, it is such a shame he didn't come see me, I would have taken him on in a minute."

The conversation seems to fly from there, Sandro is willing to put on the show, and will take only a modest commission from the sales of any of the pieces. He will help John choose a few pieces to do a limited run of numbered prints, letting Sandro show the originals. John has some big decisions to make, he will need to decide which pieces he wants to sell the original, and which ones to sell the prints.

Sandro also has some contacts at the Art Institute and will help with setting up a meeting to establish a scholarship fund.

"I would like to start inventory on the work and transport it to the gallery. I will get it properly insured and a lot of it will need to be framed before the show."

"You can bill me for those expenses if you need."

"I can carry it for a short time, and we can cover it off from proceeds of the sale of any of the work. That is what I often do." Sandro goes over the process with John and pulls out a contract for him to review. Because John is not profiting from any of this, he will keep the expenses down as much as possible so the maximum can go into the Scholarship.

"Thank you Sandro, this is great news."

We see Sandro out and John gives me a huge hug. "That went way better than I thought, this is great."

"It is fantastic news, John, it is a good thing you're doing." I am very proud of him, for taking the time to get the work seen and provide funding for a young artist at the same time.

I glance at my watch and remind John we need to go to our appointment for 1 pm, so we gather our things and head out the door.


	62. Chapter 62

"So, you two look very comfortable together today, very happy. Tell me what is going on?" Renee notices right away, our body language is very telling, and I know it. I am ecstatic actually, we had a very romantic night together, and it felt like another wall came down, that maybe, just maybe Susan is getting it, finally. And for my part, I have let what Anna said to me sink in. Stop thinking that she is going to leave, stop being so damn insecure and just love her.

Susan squeezes my hand and then starts to talk. "We have been working on things, when something comes up, we are making a real effort to talk about it, right away. I think this is working, we have made some good progress and things are getting better."

"Good, proper communication is the keystone to a good marriage. Susan, I know you had some things you wanted to say to John. John, I want you to just listen to what she has to say, some of it might be tough to hear, but once you have it out in the open you can deal with it. Susan?"

Susan turns, folding one leg up on the couch and she looks directly into my eyes. I brace myself, not sure I want to hear it, but I know I need to, and I will have a chance to respond. My time is coming to do this myself, and I have to decide how far to let her in. Do I want to open that door, share things from my childhood that I have never told a soul, aside from Tiffany? I just don't know if I can. I pull myself back into the moment, Susan deserves my full attention.

"First of all, you know I love you, always, with all my heart."

"I know baby." And I do, I can see it, and I can feel it.

"I think what I am going to say is not going to be a huge surprise to you. I have been examining my life, a lot of my feelings and why I react the way I do sometimes. I have recognized that a lot of it started back when I was a kid. I was always the good girl, I called my mom, mom, Chloe called her Cookie. She was the free spirit, I was the good girl, always trying so hard to do the right thing." I can hear her take in a breath, I can hear the hitch as she does and I reach out and take her hands, giving them a light squeeze.

She gives me a slight smile and continues. "I did this for a long time, but it seemed they always love Chloe best. Chloe comes home pregnant, not even truly sure who the father of the baby is, and they go on about how it's all okay, then dump the responsibility on me. We've talked about this, you were there, and you know what I am referring to."

I nod. "Yes, I know."

"I come home and tell them I'm pregnant and I get attacked, even though I wasn't asking for anything, I got zero support. Anyway, you know all this, even to this day, Chloe can disappear for over a year, abandon her child and I am the bad person. I have fought this all my life. They didn't support me being a doctor, I had to do all of that myself, pay for medical school, support myself. Then came the boyfriends, who never appreciated anything I did, but I let them get away with it, for a long time, many of them cheated on me, or stole from me, or just generally took advantage. Then of course Div, who left me without even a see you later, Brad who cheated with my so called friend. I started to feel like there was something wrong, with me." I can see the tear run down her face, and I can't help but brush it away with my thumb.

"The exception was you, when we got together, we had such a great time, but I knew it was really wrong. That I was being selfish because it couldn't go anywhere, we were taking such huge risks with our careers. So I made you think that it was just a fling, even though I was really in love with you, and then of course I found out I was pregnant, and I ran. Fear made me run, fear of what you would say, fear for our hard won careers, fear of what would be said at work, it was so much easier to run away than deal with any of it."

I go to speak but she places a finger against my lips and shakes her head.

"Let me finish, let me get this out." She inhales deeply. "When I came back I was still scared, and I told myself that I would avoid seeing you, but really, deep down, I know, I wanted you to find out about her. I dreaded it, and craved it all at the same time. I knew you would be so hurt and angry with me, and I almost couldn't stand it, the thought that you would hate me for what I'd done, for so many reasons. I lied to you, about so many things, you never deserved that."

She takes a sip of water then continues speaking, I am biting my tongue at this point, I want to reassure her but I know she just wants to say it all.

"So I see you again, and I don't have the courage to just tell you. That very first day, I should have just done it, but I didn't, and then it got harder every day, because I was compounding the lie. We both know how that went, I won't dig it all up. Then you forgave me, or said you did, and we were together, and it was so great. But of course, we both know you have had quite a few girlfriends, and they keep showing up in one way or another, and as I told Renee, these are not brainless little twits, they are beautiful, accomplished, amazing women, and it played on my insecurities, that I was never quite good enough, and I started to get insanely jealous at times, but I would pretend it was all okay. I let the seed of resentment build, I started to let myself get suspicious and jealous and downright crazy at times, and then I would let it blow, find something even miniscule that you did so I could take it out on you, push you away. Because I was always so scared that you would…find that I wasn't good enough, that you didn't really love me, that you were only with me because you felt obligated to take care of you daughter. That one day it was going to be all over and I was going to be devastated, because you were the one guy I really gave my heart to, the one guy I truly loved, the one that I didn't think I could ever recover from losing. The one I never forgot about, for even one day while we were apart. The one that I _know_ I could never recover from losing. I need you to forgive me, for leaving you, I am not convinced that you have truly been able to forgive me, as much as you might want to. I need you to forgive me for all the stupid little things I have done to make your life hell at times, the petty resentments, the jealousy over every woman that comes back into your life, I need you to love me. I just want you to love me and to know that you will never leave me, that you really forgive me."

Susan is now just a sobbing mess, and I do what come naturally, I slide my arms around her and pull her in tight, letting her cry. I bury my head in her neck and I can feel my own tears. That she is openly admitting her fears and insecurities to me, that she feels safe to tell me, to say it all. It feels good to let it all go. My response is simple.

"I love you baby. I have loved you for forever, and I will love you for forever. I don't ever want to leave you, and I have already forgiven you."

I hear Renee say softly. "I am going to give you two a few minutes." I hear the door click shut and I hold her even tighter.

"I love you so much." Susan whispers in my ear. "Don't ever let me go."

"I won't, trust me. You are the best thing that has ever happened in my life, you and our family. I admit that I have had a very hard time truly letting it all go. You know I have insecurities about women leaving, but you know what? You are not them, and I can see that now. I can't be always wondering when you are going to see through me and wonder what the hell you are still doing here, any more than you can be wondering when I am going to leave you. Ironic, in a way, we are both thinking the same thing, because of crap that had happened in our lives. I have never been with you because I feel obligated, I wanted to be with you before I even knew about Brooklynn and you know that's true. Forgiving you for leaving has been a work in progress, something that I want to do so badly, but all the little things that keep getting stirred up seem to bring it to the surface, my own little resentments that I need to get over. Part of the whole grow the hell up thing I've been working on."

This makes her laugh a little. "I think the phrase is grow the fuck up." She dabs at her eyes with a tissue.

"Right, sorry, you are correct, seems to be a common theme coming from women who know me, so I guess it must be true, I have to stop being a spoiled brat and grow up, accept some realities, and it has not been easy to do. I need to, though, because I want to be married, to you, for a very long time, we fit, Susan, we really do. We have things to work on, but I think that is true of everyone. No one is perfect, and please know, I don't expect it from you either. You are perfect _for me_ , but you don't need to be perfect – being perfect is kind of boring. I love you every day, for who you are, a beautiful, intelligent, caring woman, you are a wonderful mother to our children and a talented doctor, and I am always proud of you, that you are my wife. You might still feel insecure at times, and I might still battle my own insecurities, but we can find a way to share those feelings without it being a big deal all the time. We have proven it."

"I know you are right, John, we are perfect for each other, and just the way you have responded to everything I've said makes me feel that right to my core. No judgement, I feel like you have just accepted it."

"Of course I have, just like you accept all my flaws and insecurities. I told you once, that it is hard to get over the fact that the one person who should love me unconditionally cannot be bothered to have anything to do with me, but lots of people have parents who leave them. The truth is, it is not about me, it's about her, and who she is, and the same goes for your parents, Susan. It's about who they are, and has nothing to do with you, really. It hurts not to have your parents just accept you for who you are, I totally get it, my parents can barely be in the same room as me without some major fight or a display of total indifference."

I see recognition in her eyes. "You know, it so strange that I know that, but I never really connected it, not fully. We both come from such different backgrounds but our families are so similar, it's a little scary."

"I know, it took me a while to see it too, but face it, we have a lot of the same issues, we are a lot alike Susan, which should make things easier, but oddly, it really doesn't. We have been so busy wallowing at our own little separate pity parties that we are missing the big picture. It is like a light has come on, and I finally see it, and I want to stop wasting time and just move forward with you. I know we have said it before, and it is easier said than done, but we need to put the past behind us and just go for it. Have the life we want, and you know what? We can. We can do whatever we want, we don't have to be a slave to work, or dance to anyone's tune. We are financially set for life, work if you want to, don't if you would rather not. We can travel, we can go out and have our date nights, and we can give our kids everything. Not just material things, but the real stuff, love, support, encouragement, the sense of family, of belonging. Everything I wish I'd had when I was growing up, but never did."

"A very strange reality, for me at least. I am only starting to get used to the fact that we have so much. That you share it so freely with me. And we also are extremely lucky to have four healthy happy children. You have been and I know you will continue to be a terrific dad, so they will have everything that matters."

"I told you I would never want to marry a woman that I felt needed to sign legal documents to protect my assets. That kind of person is not who I want in my life. Turns out I have found a truly wonderful woman, who is in my life to be with me, not my bank account. Something I was not sure I would ever find, and I am not about to throw it away. Not for anything."

Susan throws her arms around my neck and we meet halfway, a deep and passionate kiss that warms me to my toes. We get a little lost until I hear Renee clear her throat, she has come back in and we didn't even hear her.

"Well, seems like things are going well in here. I'm sorry but I have another patient in 5 minutes, we need to wrap things up, John, you should think about what things you need to add for our next session. I know there are still a few things that need to be dealt with. But any concerns about what was said today?"

I shake my head. "No, not much of it was a surprise, and I am glad that Susan was comfortable enough to just come out and say it all to me. We love each other, and I think the sessions have been helping us get to the bottom of our individual issues, and helping us realize how alike we actually are."

"Susan?"

"John's right, we talked a bit while you were out of the room and we are going in the right direction here, we are not going to give up on our marriage or each other. I want us to keep the communication open, if we keep talking, we are going to be okay."

We say good bye and set up our next session, which I know is going to be rough, but right now, I am going to just be happy.

I open the car door for Susan and get her settled in the passenger seat before I go around and slide into the driver's seat. I lean over and give Susan a kiss, and she kisses me back. It feels so good, the connection we are feeling. She wraps her arms around my neck and it starts to get a little hot and heavy.

Susan slides across the console and next thing I know she is straddling me in the driver's seat. My wife is so incredibly hot, it is crazy. You would never guess looking at her, I mean guys notice she is a beautiful woman, sure, but they have no idea, none, at how uninhibited she is when it comes to sex. Hell, I had no idea until we ended up at my place that night, it was the kind of sex most guys only dream about. And she is still like that, all the time, and I count myself lucky that the bedroom will never be boring.

We are like a couple of teenagers sometimes, I kind of love it actually and today is one of those days. She is wearing a skirt and it is riding up, her legs are bare and so soft, I caress them, sliding my hands up her thighs, I am getting really into this.

I feel her hands working at my pants and I move my seat back, knowing exactly what is going to happen. Her panties end up who knows where, after a bit of inelegant fumbling. Making out in the front seat of a tiny sports car is not easy, but my wife keeps in shape and she was into yoga for while so…we make it work. I am glad the windows are a bit tinted and we are in the underground lot, otherwise people would be getting one hell of a show.

I let her free me from my boxers and we make love right there in the front seat. It is intense, and totally insanely steamy, her moaning in my ear, as I just enjoy the ride. I hold her tight as she collapses against me, every second of that was so amazing.

"Oh wow, baby, that was so, so, incredible." I can barely catch my breath.

"Sorry, I could not help myself, I feel like a horny teenager."

"Oh, don't be sorry, that was hot, I loved it."

She gives me a sexy smile. "Me too, I can take it off my bucket list, sex in the front of an Italian sports car." The kiss she gives me is to die for. "Almost as good as you making me a member of the mile high club, maybe even better."

Now that brings back the memories, trying to be very quiet during one of the flights in the private jet. Though I am quite sure Jim caught on, based on the smirk I got, but everyone else seemed oblivious to the fact that I'd had sex with my soon to be wife during the flight to the Caribbean.

Susan slides off my lap and we both adjust our clothes. She is digging around on the floor.

"Where did they go?" She giggles, I love seeing her like this, it feels like we are regaining some of the fun in our marriage, maybe we should be working on our buckets lists a bit more often.

"Where did what go?"

"My panties? Where did you toss them? They are one of my favourite pairs."

"They are in here somewhere." It feels a bit comical, we both are digging around until I feel the lacy scrap of silk and hold them up. "These?"

"Yes. Those are my favourite La Perla ones and they cost a fortune."

"I never understood that, how much they can charge for something so very, very, very, small. But, I love them. I love seeing them on you." I make sure to qualify the comment, Susan always wears very sexy thong panties, what man in his right mind would complain about that? I do love seeing her wear them, and I love taking them off her even more than that.

"I know right? But they are so damn comfortable."

"And so damn hot and sexy."

She gives me a wicked little smile. "I wear them for you too, you know."

"And I appreciate it." She is getting me worked up again, just with the flirting and innuendo. I watch as she tucks them into her bag. Now I am going to be thinking about the fact that she is not wearing any panties, and I can tell by the sideways glance that she did it on purpose, she is teasing me. Oh boy is it working, I want her again already.

She buckles her seat belt and crosses her legs so her skirt rides up a bit, and I can't help but reach over and stroke her bare leg with my hand. She raises an eyebrow. "Are we going to just sit here? Security is going to be checking out the car soon."

I laugh, she is too much sometimes.

"Just waiting for the windows to unfog, it got a little hot in here."

The engine purrs to life as I turn over the engine, cracking a window down a bit, and back out of the spot. Too bad I need both hands to drive as the car is a stick shift. However, I know we are not going straight home. No way.

I pull up to the valet at the Langham and Susan smirks at me as I slide out of the car and take the ticket, then escort her inside. She sits nonchalantly as I check in us in to one of the suites. I take her hand and lead her into the elevator, which is blissfully empty. As soon as the doors close she is in my arms, pushing me up against the side of the elevator.

It is getting a bit hot in that elevator, until I can hear the ding and we both step back, pretending nothing is going on as we reach our floor, and some people step onto the elevator as we step off.

However, as soon as we get in the door of our suite, we are all over each other again, barely making it to the bedroom as the clothes are coming off and being left in a trail from the front door.

"You are so beautiful, baby." I could look at her all day, she is truly gorgeous, I have always been so sexually attracted to her, from the moment I met her.

"Back at you, baby." She purrs in my ear.

It is hot, intense, crazy and uninhibited, we make no effort to be quiet, it is a free for all. I can only hope that there is no one in the next room, or they are going to be hating us.

"Who knew when I first saw you that you would turn out to be such an animal in the bedroom?" Susan is laying with her head on my chest, her leg casually draped over mine. "You seemed so sweet and young, and innocent, boy that night I went home with you from the pub was an education into how looks can be deceiving."

I have to give a little snort of laughter. "By then I was far from innocent, you were several years too late for the sweet and innocent John Carter. I am sure the same could be said for you, I would never have guessed that you are such a little vixen. Do you think anyone at County would have believed how hot the sex was that night? Do you think anyone would believe how hot the sex is now?"

She laughs. "Maybe not, though perhaps Doug and Carol would not be too surprised."

"True, I mean after all they had sex on kitchen floor before they even got out the door for their first date."

Susan sits up and looks at me. "What? And just how in the hell would you know that?"

I start to laugh and she straddles me, pinning down my arms.

"John, how would you know that?" She starts to tickle me and I finally give it up.

"I give, I give. Carol. We had gotten these new crash carts, and another department stole them. So we went on a mission to reclaim them, it was actually kind of fun, Carol was our ringleader of course. She was so pissed off when they disappeared. Anyways, Doug went to distract this woman he knew, you know what he was like with women. Carol comes out with 'you wonder why I slept with him on the first date'. Lydia was with us and made some comment, and Carol comes back with 'he rang the doorbell and next thing you know we were on the kitchen floor'. It was priceless."

"She said that? That is so Carol."

"Oh yeah, deadpan, she just looked over at me at shrugged, I think I must have been staring at her, I didn't know her that well, it was my first year at County. Now her saying something like that wouldn't surprise me, but then, it sure did."

"We never ended up on the kitchen floor." Susan whines playfully.

"Well, if I had known it was your dream to be ravished on the kitchen floor, I could have accommodated you. In fact, I could still help you out with that, though it could be tricky with all the staff around. We would have to be very, very quiet."

"Nah, the bed was better, much more room to roll around without falling off. Could you imagine making out on the kitchen floor of the mansion? With our luck one of this kids would walk in."

"Like this?" I flip her over so now I have her pinned to the bed. I feel like I am drowning in those vibrant green eyes, they are sparkling again and I have to kiss her.

We spend the next hour rolling around in the over sized king bed, finally coming up for air. I flop on my back, out of breath and exhausted.

"Insatiable little sex kitten." I tease her.

"Oh, you're complaining?"

"Not a chance, having a hot wife like you is something most men only dream about."

"I am not sure if that is a compliment, or how I should take that comment."

"It's a compliment. Definitely a compliment. No one knows that you're a sex kitten, I certainly don't tell them. Well, maybe Jim has it figured out, but not because I told him. He knew by looking at us that you had joined the mile high club. And we were on the same boat for two summers in a row, he knows."

"Ah, I don't care if he knows, I have a feeling Tiffany is a bit of one too."

Oh boy, I cannot believe she just said that, and I think she realizes it as soon as it is out of her mouth. I say nothing. I mean what do I say to that? Considering I used to sleep with Tiffany, it is very dangerous territory, I cannot agree or disagree with Susan without drawing attention to my past sex life, and it is safer to say nothing.

"How about some room service, I'm starving. And we should call home, I think we should stay in town tonight, I don't have work tomorrow. We could go to a movie or out for dinner or something." I change the subject smoothly.

She knows what I am doing, and she looks slightly grateful that I have just skimmed over it. Hey, sex with Tiffany was great, she is a passionate woman, but it doesn't even compare to what I have with Susan, not even close.

"Or we could get dressed and go out for a bit. It's nice out, why don't we go for a walk along the lake, then go for dinner. I'd love to stay in town, there's a new movie I've been dying to see."

Just like that the awkwardness is gone. We have a quick shower, and get dressed. Susan phones home and checks in, saying we are going for dinner and a movie, and might stay in town if it gets too late. We will call the kids later and say good night.

We grab snacks and coffees and wander along the pathway, chatting easily, little things about the kids, and I wonder if this might be a good time to bring up a couple other matters. Things that I have address soon, Gamma has really been putting on the pressure lately.

"I have been meaning to ask you a couple things."

"Oh. Okay, hope nothing is wrong."

"Well, yes and no. You know Gamma has been at me lately."

"I know, it kind of bugs you that she is always at you about the foundation."

"She is, it is a fact of life. Anyway, I told Gamma we would take her place at a function, she has not been feeling up to doing as much lately, and it is a big fundraiser. So, will you be my date to a stuffy party, where you have to dress up and schmooze with Chicago society types?"

"Of course. Let me know when it is, I have some really nice dresses now, or I can always do a shopping trip with Tiffany. That woman is a fashion diva, she can find the most amazing things."

"I know. That is why I sent you shopping with her before we went to the Caribbean, she was able to tell you exactly what you needed."

"And she likes to buy sexy lingerie, I bet that didn't have any bearing on the decision."

I have to laugh at that one. Tiffany always liked the sexy lingerie, though I am certainly not going to agree or in any way insinuate that I have seen Tiffany in that sort of thing. Susan knows we had a relationship and I don't want to discuss it any further.

"Well, I like it when you wear sexy lingerie. Buy as much as you like, especially the kind of stuff you wore on our mini honeymoon, I was into it. And those panties, you know how I feel about those."

It is cute that I can still make her blush a little, she is fierce in the bedroom yet sometimes she shows her insecure side. I think we are also both thinking of our hot interlude in the car.

"I will keep that in mind."

"So anyhow, the last weekend in September, at the museum."

"That is less than two weeks."

"I know, but she cornered me just a few days ago. I have to be honest, she is really on me to be on the Foundation board, and a while back she wanted me to be treasurer, now she wants me to be Chairman."

"Isn't that her position?"

"She wants to step down."

"I know you hate it when I comment, but have you considered it?"

"Susan, you don't get it. My dad is expecting to be Chairman, with all that it entails. It will be ugly if she appoints me, and honestly it is an enormous responsibility."

"Enormous? How so?"

This is the touchy part, I don't know how Susan is going to react to this. I take a deep breath. "It puts me in control, of everything."

"So, you run the Foundation, and attend a few events. Not that big a deal."

"No, but the control over the billion dollars in assets sure the hell is. My dad is going to have a cow."

Susan stops, almost frozen in place. "What! What do you mean, control over the billion dollars in assets. Is that a figure of speech?"

"No, it's a real figure, as in it puts the entire Carter family fortune under my control. Total assets in cash, investments and the house is over 1 billion right now. I have 4 kids, a full time job, and we are trying to keep our marriage together and she wants to drop the management and responsibility for the Charitable Foundation on me too. That means a lot more functions, and all sorts of other things that I have been avoiding for years."

Susan is still staring at me. "John, that is so crazy. But you manage our finances, and the house and a lot of stuff for Millicent now, is it a lot more?"

"Yes, it is. Lots of organizations request funds, I'd have to run the regular board meetings, and I would need you to be there with me for charity events and those types of things. It affects you too, Susan, that is why we are having this discussion. It sounds like nothing, but it will change our lives in a big way, more than you know. When I say I have been avoiding it my entire life I kid you not."

"So, have you always known this could happen?"

"Yes. Even when I first started at County, my grandfather was at me every holiday to join the Foundation in some way. Dump the medical career. It's no secret after Chase overdosed that my Gamma got in on the act. I have been groomed basically from birth to do this. I told you I did a double major, right? Wharton School of Business at U Penn, while I also did my undergrad in biochemistry so I could go to Med School. People wonder why I lost touch with friends. Who had time to do anything but study, eat and maybe sleep if I was lucky?"

"So no one else in your family was even in line for this?"

"Well, it would have been Bobby, but of course he died. Chase was the executive heir apparent, and he died too. It used to be a big joke, between Chase and me, but we both knew my grandfather always wanted it to be me. So yes, I always knew this day could come, when it would drop on me."

"Why not Jack?"

"Well, Gamma can be a wonderful woman, but she also believes a bit in retribution. My dad wants it, badly, like really, really badly. To be king of the world so to speak, the control of that kind of money is pretty enticing for a lot of people, but he has disappointed her, remember our conversation about marriage and being a parent?"

Susan nods. "Of course, she's disappointed in his parenting skills, or lack thereof. And well she should be, I'm horrified at what a lousy dad he was and I wasn't even there. But I do see how he is now, and it doesn't impress me much."

"Well, retribution, 3.0. He gets nada and his 32 year old son get everything. Life's a bitch."

"Oh holy crap. She wants to give it all to you now? Like now? As in right away?"

"By January. On the upside, that means the house is ours, it is held under the Foundation and there is a fund that covers the taxes, staffing and upkeep. So we can live there basically forever. On the downside, I have to manage an absolutely massive portfolio and oversee where all the funds go and deal with my pissed off father who is going to try and make my life hell, because he is the treasurer. And I have to take my place in line, something I never wanted to do. But, on the whole motto of grow the fuck up, I guess I have to face the fact that the Foundation does a lot of good, and someone has to take it over at some point. Gamma's health is not going to let her manage it forever. If I do it now, she will be there to help with the transition."

Susan is silent, looking out over the water for a long time. Then she finally looks at me. "I will support whatever you decide to do, John, take it or don't. I will be here for you. But can I say one thing, and please just hear me out? I don't want to interfere, but on the other hand, I am your wife, so, I think maybe I have earned the right to give my opinion."

I think about that one for a moment, and I cannot deny what she is saying to me. I want to share my life with this woman, and she is a well-educated, intelligent and thoughtful person. This affects her as much as me, though I am not sure she fully grasps exactly how it will change her life. Hell, I can't even fully fathom it, until I make the decision, there are still unknowns.

"I agree, you have earned the right to give your opinion. I won't get upset by what you say and I will take it under advisement, after all, what I do affects you too."

"You how it drives you crazy that all those funds go to things like marble tile in a Symphony Hall? If you were Chairman, you could change the focus, and use some of those ill-gotten gains as you call them for much better purposes. Like how Millicent funded some clinic for Carol, maybe do something for areas you are passionate about. You could have a huge impact, say in health care."

I like the way this woman thinks. "I have to admit that has crossed my mind on occasion. I would have to dig into how the foundation is set up, but it seems Gamma has a lot of freedom. That first visit Carol made to my grandmother, I think she ended up with a cheque for $70,000, just like that. One signature. I'm already a signing authority for cheques, I have been for years, I could have taken the chequebook and gone to town, though of course Gamma would have killed me."

"Yeah, I am sure she would have. But think about it John, she is begging you to take it on, she is not up to it anymore with her health issues over the last couple years. What is your dad going to do with that money if he gets his hands on it?"

"I don't know, invest in a private jet? Buy a few more vacation homes? I just have no idea."

"A few _more_ vacation homes?"

"Oh, right, the Foundation has title to a few houses. One is a very nice condo overlooking Central Park in New York City. One is in the Bahamas, and I think there might be some real estate hiding in various locations in Europe, maybe Tokyo. Definitely a house in Paris somewhere, but I think it is rented out right now. There is one for sure in Boston, my dad stays there all the time, uh, in Beacon Hill."

"You have got to be kidding. Okay, so he would not support the same things, but he would like doing it. You would support areas that would make a real difference to maybe the more underprivileged in this City. Honestly, John, you should do it, and I will be there when you need me. Think about what good things you could do, we always complain about health care and lack of equipment and funds."

"You're sure?" I am amazed at her response, but I see her points very clearly. And I know she doesn't care about the money, she has proven that in the past, and it is not like it is money for us to just spend anyways, it is earmarked for charity, but we can decide on where it goes.

"Yes."

"Okay, so next item is how much you would freak out if I decided to do two weeks in Africa." I am holding my breath a little. I actually have a couple weeks of holidays due to me that I have to take in the next few months. I can't carry them forward and I am required to use them even though I have been off an incredible amount over the past year.

"I won't freak out. I would be worried about you being there, but, if it is something you really need to do, then you should do it."

Again, I am amazed. She is very calm about it. "You've thought about it?"

"Yes. And I talked to Luka."

"Really."

"Just a short conversation, but I told him that we had talked about it and I wanted to hear what he thought. And I think it would be good in lots of ways, scary, but good. I don't know John, you have to decide. I personally would be too scared to do it, and I would worry about you while you were gone, but it is a good cause.

"Okay, I haven't decided for sure, but I will send in my stuff and get things started, and if I decide to go then the paperwork is done. Though we would discuss it some more before I decided to go."

Susan steps close to me. "I love you, and I want you to be happy. Some things are bigger than just us, and I get that. You have so much potential, even now, with all you've accomplished in your life, you have so much more you could do. You are someone who cannot sit still, who always need to be improving themselves, learning and growing, and you have. Keep doing that, I know you are going to do some great things."

I am speechless. I simply wrap my arms around her and pull her in tight for a kiss. "Wow, I am smart, look at the brilliant woman I married. You are one amazing person, Susan Lewis. Don't kid yourself, you have a ton of potential yourself, so you can grow with me, and together we can achieve even greater things.

"I would love to, for years and years."

I wrap my arm around her waist and we continue walking, I have some very big and life altering decisions looming over me, but I am not so anxious about them knowing Susan has my back, no matter what I decide.


	63. Chapter 63

Wow, is all I can think as the hot water sluices down my back. Yesterday was a crazy emotional ride, but in an incredible satisfying way.

I can't help but smile as my mind wanders to the happenings in the front seat of John's car. After our therapy session for some reason I just wanted to rip his clothes off, and he was very, _very_ receptive to my advances. No convincing needed, he jumped right in there with me and I loved it. Kind of felt like back when we first started our hot little affair, we spent a lot of time in his bed, but we also were a bit adventurous at times. We christened his Jeep, though he has a different one now, the one he had back then met an unfortunate fiery death.

His arms wrap around me as he steps into the shower.

"Room for one more in here?"

"Always. I was wondering when you would wake up sleepyhead."

"You could have woken me up, but I was a bit tired, this incredibly hot, insatiable woman didn't let me get much sleep last night."

"Oh, well, you should have told her to leave you alone so you could get your beauty sleep."

"No, no. I didn't mind, _at all_. She can keep me up whenever she likes."

I turn, he envelops me in his warm embrace as his mouth descends and claims mine. How we still have energy I don't know, but we do.

"Now who's insatiable?" I tease as we lay together in the large bed. John has always been such a great lover, and it just keeps getting better every time we are together. That is saying a lot.

"I will always be insatiable when it comes to you, baby."

We finally make it out of the hotel room, just before check out time and stop for some brunch.

"Sandro left me a message, he is out at the house this morning cataloging Chases work, he thinks that he can have a show ready by November."

"That's fast isn't it?"

"It is, but he is pretty excited about the work, and he thinks it would be good to do it before Christmas. It seems like January and February people disappear for their tropical holidays, escaping winter in Chicago."

"I have always wanted to do that, just pick up and go somewhere tropical in the middle of the winter."

"So why don't we? We can work out a few days off, have Louisa take care of the kids and you and I will just go. I know we have been on vacation, but every time we have taken the kids. A few day with just us, I think we should do it."

"That would be amazing, where should we go?"

"Oh, I don't know. You never made it to Hawaii, we could go there, though it is a long trip from Chicago. Or we can pick something in the Caribbean, it's so much closer. Give it some thought and we will book something for after Christmas."

We spend another hour in town, and then head home. When we get there, Rachel is waiting on the patio.

"Hey Rach! How are you doing?" John is very pleased to see her. I know he has been keeping in touch with phone calls, but she is back in school full time and he is back to work so time is more limited.

"Great, John. Hi Susan. Sorry for just dropping by, but I was kind of hoping…you were home and we could go for a ride. I've missed our rides."

"Me too. You know, over the summer we got some new horses, so you can meet them and we can go out for a bit. I just need to change."

"Yes!" She is super excited.

"Susan? You going to come out with us?"

I opt to spend some time at the house, I am going to spend a bit of time with the twins and get a few things organized as I have to go back to work soon.

The two of them soon head up to the barns, I don't expect them back for several hours, they seem to get sidetracked with their talks. John has become more and more of a father figure to Rachel, which is really terrific in my books. I remember worrying when we first picked her up in Philly that she would make some sort of allegations, that she was making it all up about her step dad. But as time goes on, I am not so sure she made it up. And John seemed to believe her, like he had some sort of intuition.

I certainly don't worry about her being alone with him anymore. She really has turned things around, all because John and Elizabeth have worked so hard to make sure she knows...someone cares. Jennifer has not been a good parent to her, she let Rachel get out of control at some point, and Mark unfortunately was absentee due to the distance and his work hours.

I still miss Mark, and he was a really great guy, and he tried very hard right up until the end to help Rachel turn things around. But he sometimes he was not nearly decisive enough, over time I noticed how much he hated confrontation.

He made that mistake with John and his addiction, he let John say he was fine, when clearly he was not. Jing-Mei noticed, and tried to tell him, more than once, that John was not himself, that something was wrong. Mark also let Kerry Weaver walk all over him, and he let Rachel manipulate him.

John seems more savvy than Mark, and he seems to be able to stand his ground when he needs to. I wonder if he has inherited or learned some of the behavior from his grandmother. He certainly got his way for a number of years, not letting his grandfather force him into the family business. From what I hear about his grandfather, that was no small task to avoid being railroaded while still living in Chicago. It seems that most of the cousins have run for the hills, though I have never met them so I could not why with any certainty.

I wonder how John really feels now, about taking over the Foundation. I am actually quite proud of him, how he is taking this new challenge on. He has allowed himself to mature, and he is making a conscious decision to step up, no matter how it all shakes out with Jack.

It is a bit daunting though, he is a very wealthy man already, by taking this on he shoots to being one of the richest men in town, and one of the most powerful. I almost cannot believe it, that cute seemingly naive med student, is stepping into this power position, and he is only in his early 30's.

I could never have imagined when I first became involved with him where we would end up. I knew his family was rich of course, but not as insanely rich as they are...a billion dollars in assets? On top of what he has personally? And that he was the chosen heir out of all the family, that he had _always been_ the first in line, so to speak. And he has always known it...ever since he was a teenager anyways.

But, at the end of the day, he is still...just...John. Still the man I love, and I am having trouble reconciling the two, because I know him from a totally different side than almost everyone else. I am glad I met him the way I did, because if I didn't know him already? I would be intimidated by who I thought he was, not who he really is. If I saw him getting out of a limo at a benefit, dressed to the nines, I would never have had the courage to even talk to him, let alone...imagine being married to him and having his children.

Like my friends were so in awe of him at the reunion, as soon as they found out he was a multi-millionaire, they started acting a bit crazy. I guess I need to get used to it, because...so am I? What a strange reality.

"Susan, dear, do you have a few minutes?" A voice shakes me out of my reverie, Millicent has found me where I am having tea in the kitchen. The twins are napping, John is still out riding with Rachel and the girls are both at school.

"Of course."

She putters around a bit, putting on the kettle, and digs herself out a cup as well.

"Susan, you know how very much I love my grandson. We have had our differences, of course, and there was a time when I thought we would never see eye to eye. Still, ever since he was born, he has always been the special one, the one who drew me in. I always loved having him around, and it breaks my heart that Jack and Eleanor have never been able to see how truly special he is. I'm biased sure, but I am also a very good judge of character, and he has a beautiful spirit. I was so worried that working at that hospital would drive that out of him, especially after he almost died there."

"He had his ups and downs, but I know what you mean. There was a time we worried he cared too much, but he has learned to balance that out." I remember telling him one time that we weren't worried about him anymore, wondering what happened to him and the look he gave me. Of course now I know he was struggling with me breaking his heart, and the pressures of the whole dog eat dog competitiveness that goes on when you are an intern. That he survived that year says a lot about how truly stubborn the man is, he never gives up.

"Yes, I think he has. You have made him very happy, I love that this house is filled with family, with your children. I never pictured this when you came back into his life, with Brooklynn, but it is wonderful. I am sure you know what I have been asking of John? Have you two discussed it?"

"We did, and I will support whatever he has decided to do. I know he will be great, no matter what he chooses." I already know of course, he will be sitting down with his grandmother soon to let her in on his decision. He has been very open with me, he recognizes how much the communication side is important in our marriage. He wants us on an equal footing, a partnership where we make the important decisions together, as a couple. I want to be careful, and not tell her out of turn, I hope she is not fishing for information.

"I very much want to start the process to transfer the leadership over to him for the Foundation. I really hope that at some point, when the kids are bit older you would be willing to get involved as well. My husband and I were a partnership, we made our decisions together. It has not escaped me that you and John have had a few bumps in the road, but it seems like things are smoothing out?"

"We have had our moments, of course. Marriage is never easy, and we had a lot of changes happen very quickly. We didn't do the traditional fall in love, get married then have kids, did we? It was all a bit backwards."

"Ah, yes, modern times, I am not sure it is such a good thing, but he has never shirked the responsibility has he? He has become the father to his children that I wished Jack and Roland had been to theirs. I don't know where we went wrong with our sons, but they failed their families spectacularly. Chase, when he overdosed his parent were in Singapore and didn't come home for months. When John was stabbed and almost died, Jack and Eleanor couldn't find the Tokyo airport for 3 weeks. Really, I am very disappointed that the family values we thought we instilled in them were non existent. And both John and Chase paid dearly for the neglect, in more ways than I care to think about."

"You can be proud of John though, he is a terrific father to his children, even taking in my niece, and he has become a bit of a father figure to Rachel Greene too. I think he really helped her turn her life around."

"Yes, I noticed that, and I think he is doing a wonderful thing, with both our Susie, and that lovely girl Rachel. I can see she had a good spirit, but suffered from parental neglect in her own way. I don't mean to insult the memory of your dear friend by that, but her mother is quite the piece of work."

"No offense taken, he was a great man in many ways, but I think we both know that raising children is never easy. The divorce and Jennifer moving away did throw quite a wrench into their family." I love how Millicent says 'our Susie'. She has so totally accepted Susie as one of our children and never treats her any different that any of the other grandchildren. Millicent can be a bit of an enigma...on one side she is tough as nails, yet once in a while, this very tender loving side peeks out, like a small ray of sunshine.

I see it when she is with our children, and sometimes, I see it when she is interacting with John. I have no doubt she had been incredibly demanding of him and harsh at times, but, she loves him with all her heart.

"I truly hope John is proving to be a good husband as well. I would hate to see him lose you, my dear."

"We've had our rough patches, as you know, but, he is...simply the love of my life. He is a wonderful husband in so many ways, and I feel lucky that we have managed to work things out." I don't mind telling her how much I love her grandson...because it's true and I know she needs to hear it as much as he does. John really is the light of her life, she was more of a mother to him than Eleanor ever was.

Millicent nods in satisfaction.

"I am sure my beloved husband loved him dearly too, though I know he was disappointed with John's reluctance when it comes to family expectations of joining the business. But, perhaps in hindsight we put way too much pressure on both John and Chase, we had very high expectations, and the only one strong enough to still be standing is John. And maybe that is the way it should be, he has survived and grown into someone I am so incredibly proud of, despite what he has gone through in his life."

"I agree. I am extremely proud of what he has accomplished. He has grown from the time I met him until now, and he has done a lot with his life."

"You know he is really going to need you Susan. My health is not great, I am happy that you are here for him. Now, as you are going to be attending a lot more functions with John, I think it is time you had access to some appropriate jewellery. I trust your discretion that you will not share what I am about to show you with anyone. John of course knows and has access, but no one else." Millicent stands and beckons for me to follow.

I finish my last sip of tea and she takes me downstairs and slides open a panel. Very sneaky, I had no idea this was even here, but there is a vault. A pretty heavy duty vault, and Millicent inserts a key and then spins a combination lock. She looks at her watch, then finally opens it once I hear the audible click.

"It's on a timer for extra security." Millicent leads me in. It is surprisingly large, and there are quite a few different compartments and drawers. "So, the jewellery is all in this area." She opens one of the drawers and my heart starts to thump, the number of velvet boxes is astounding. She motions for me to go ahead, so I pick up one of the boxes and open it.

"Wow, this is beautiful." I stare in awe, I knew that Millicent had some jewellery, after all I wore some for one of the benefits, but I have a feeling there is far more than I imagined.

"Ah, John's grandfather gave me that for one of our anniversaries. Most of the jewellery in here was purchased as special gifts or was passed down in the family. My sincere wish is that I can pass it down in the family, that it will be appreciated and worn."

We spend a good hour as Millicent tells me some of the stories behind the jewellery, and we open box after box. She helps me pick out a set to wear to the next fundraiser, some classic Harry Winston. We leave it in the vault but I note where it is stored so I can find it easily.

I am not sure the value of everything in there, but it is substantial, that I can surmise.

Millicent turns and indicates the other compartments, a couple of which seem to have further security on them.

"We have a number of stock certificates, bearer bonds and...good old cash stored in here as well. I will be speaking with John, but...you should be aware that we do have significant cash for emergency purposes. As you are part of the family and you have children to take care of, I want you to have access."

"John knows about everything that is in here?"

"Of course. He has known for quite a long time, and he has the combinations to access every compartment in here. He has a general knowledge of what is in here. I will be going over it in more detail with him, but...he is a very trusted person in my life. Jack does not have access or the combinations, and he is not aware that John does have access. So, you must never mention to Jack that you have been in here, or that John knows how to get in. As far as anyone aside from me, you and John are concerned, you do not even know this vault exists."

"I understand."

"Good. Eleanor never knew this vault existed, and I am fairly sure she still has no idea. I never fully trusted her. Roland knows there is a vault somewhere in the house, but he has never been in here. It really has been a closely guarded secret, and for everyone's safety, it needs to remain so."

I nod. I get it. If word got out that their was a vault in the basement with literally millions of dollars worth of jewellery, along with large amounts of cash, who knows what would happen.

By the time we are done, and back upstairs the girls are back from school and it is time to start the routine. The girls go up for their afternoon riding lesson, then come back for piano lessons. Then we all have dinner and sit down for homework.

The girls have some time to relax and play, and the twins toddle around like little busy bees, they are both babbling away, and I can start to hear a few disjointed syllables, but nothing I can identify yet. John comes into the room, returning from driving Rachel home after dinner, and Aiden perks up running over to him.

"Dada." He holds up his chubby little arms to be picked up.

"John! Did you here that!" I almost leap to my feet, then realize, of course he heard it.

He scoops up Aiden and gives him a big hug. "That's right little man, daddy." John gives me a smile over the top of his head.

I can see him close his eyes as he holds his son tight, it is a special moment for him, hearing his child call him dada for the first time. He missed this part with Brooklynn, and I am sad about that, but happy he was here for his sons first word.

Hailey has typically followed Aiden, it seems like they are never more than a few feet apart. Aiden is squirming to be let down already, so John kisses him and releases him to toddle off. Aiden is soon banging blocks together and pushing around his truck.

"Daaaaaa." Hailey tries to imitate Aiden, and holds up her arms to John. He reaches down for her and she giggles as he kisses her and gives her a hug, tossing her lightly in the air. Hailey is content to snuggle up against his chest as he sees what the two older girls are doing. Hailey is the cuddlier of the two, and loves being held, especially by her daddy. Aiden is the busy little boy, the live wire that can be very exhausting.

As usual, John helps me get all the kids into bed later in the evening. We have a routine down pat, choosing to manage bedtime ourselves, only keeping Louisa in the evenings now when we will both be out for the evening. John suffered from what I call nanny overload, where his care was shuffled off to the hired help whenever possible.

Louisa is a saving grace for us, but we keep her work hours reasonable and we stay very involved in the day to day with our children. John and I have had quite a few discussions about this matter and are in firm agreement.

John is back at work the next morning, and I make a few phone calls. Tiffany and Jim have gone out of town for a few days for a family wedding, Ryan and Angie are still dealing with McKenna, though she is much better, so I know they won't have time to chat.

Rachel is doing great with her pregnancy, and not so great with her divorce, and she is at work, so I decide to call Lisa. We have been chatting a bit by email, but since the reunion we have not really talked properly. First we went to help Rachel, then the whole thing blew up at work for John.

Then we were gone for the summer, and since we've been back we have been in a bit of a turmoil. Lisa is a good friend, but also close to Mads, so I didn't want to get into any discussions while things with John and I were so rough. The last thing I need is for Mads to find out what was going on in my marriage. It may not have been her doing, but I am not sure I can fully trust her anymore after the whole thing with Rudy.

"Susan! So good to hear your voice, it has been a while!" Lisa sounds so pleased to hear from me, it is heartwarming.

"Well, busy summer, then getting the girls back in school. And the twins keep me hopping. But is has been too long."

"I still cannot believe that you have four children. I mean, I know Susie is adopted and all, and of course the twins just kind of happened, but still. Four, that is just crazy."

"I know. I almost fainted when I found out I was having twins. They have always been really good babies though, I feel lucky."

"When are you going to come to New York for a visit? I know we had talked about getting together after the reunion, but you said something major had come up?"

"Yes, we had to help out the daughter of one of our dear friends who passed away last year. Teenage issues, but we got it all sorted out. You know, I have to go back to work soon, but...are you around this weekend?"

"I am. Do you think you could come out with such short notice? What about the kids?"

"Ah, well, we have...a nanny, and John is great with the kids too. So, I could see if Louisa can be around to help John out, but he is off for Saturday and Sunday this week."

"A nanny, right, I think you mentioned that before. Lucky girl. Rich, good looking husband, beautiful children and a nanny. I'm a little jealous."

"You have Kent and two gorgeous kids too."

"You're right, Kent is not a multi-millionaire, but he is a good man. I feel lucky that I have him. Not like that slime ball Rudy, did you know that he cheated on Mads and gave her some nasty infection he picked up? Gross."

"I ummm, heard something like that yes." Obviously Lisa has no idea of the legal trouble Rudy caused John at work. "I understand that they are getting a divorce now?"

"Thankfully. I never really liked the guy and now I know why. Anyhow, when can you come out?"

"Let me check flights and book a hotel."

"No way, that is nonsense. You are one of my oldest friends, you come stay in our guest room. A hotel, not a chance Susan Lewis...or Susan Carter?"

"Lewis. I worked hard for my MD, I kept Lewis. Compound that with the fact that my husband is also a doctor at the same hospital? I will always be Dr. Lewis."

"Of course, makes sense."

We chat a while longer, then I call John at the hospital and leave him a message. He calls me back shortly.

"What's up baby? Everything okay?" I don't usually bother John at work, so he is a bit concerned, I can tell.

"Fine, John, don't worry. I was just talking to Lisa, and she wants me to come out for a visit. Any issue if I take off for a few days to New York? Louisa can be around to fill in the gaps with kids while you are at work."

"Sure, I think it's great that you are keeping in touch with your old friends. Let me know when you get flights and stuff booked, where you will be staying and all that. If you have time you should go do some shopping for a couple new dresses. We have the gala event and the art show coming up."

"Good idea, I bet Lisa would love to help me spend some of your money." I joke.

"Our money, Susan. It's not just mine, I am very good at sharing." He corrects me with a laugh.

I call Katie and she books my flight, then I call Lisa and let her know when I'll be arriving. She is excited, and I am too. It has been a long time since we just got to hang out, chat, and I really need to reconnect with some of my friends.

I step off the plane in New York, I just have one bag, so I don't need to wait for a bunch of luggage. Lisa is waiting as soon as I walk out of the gate.

"I could have gotten a car or taken a taxi." I give her a hug.

"No way, I wanted to come meet you! We can to our house then get some dinner. I told Kent you and I are going out tonight. Girls night out, and you can tell me what is going on in your life. A good catch up."

It takes a while to get out to her house, it is a very modest home, but it is clean and well maintained. Kent is home from work and greets me warmly, and I get to meet their two kids, who are 9 and 7. Lisa and I get ready and go out to a neighborhood bistro and catch up. The first while we laugh and chat about things that happened back when were in high school.

Lisa chuckles. "Lloyd called Kent and asked if he could get your number. Can you imagine?"

"You have got to be kidding. Why would he want to phone me? It's been years and we weren't that close."

"Oh, I wouldn't say that. You got pretty close the one night." She gives me a cheeky grin.

"Please, don't remind me. Lloyd sure did, right in front of my husband no less, made a very suggestive comment. John didn't miss it either, though he was very calm about the whole thing. Llloyd has no class whatsoever. Not sure what I saw in him."

"Ah, whatever, it was just teenage sex, Susan, not like you married the guy or anything. Now John, he's a different story. He looks to be quite the catch. Good looking, rich, a doctor. Well done honey. How did you manage?"

I shrug. "I wasn't out to catch him. We saw each other for a while, had quite the hot little affair, then I moved to Phoenix. He was a surgical intern at the time, so I didn't tell him I was pregnant before I moved. But we cared a lot about each other, so when I got back to Chicago and ran into him, we just fell back into the relationship and he became a great dad to his daughter. Then we had the twins, and adopted Susie."

"Yes, you were mentioning that, and you said something about Chloe?"

"Yes, Chloe got pregnant with her, then abandoned Susie with me. She was using drugs and alcohol regularly. She disappeared for months, then came back all cleaned up and married, and took her back. Nothing I could do about it, the courts favor the mother."

"So how do you and John have her now?"

"Well, Chloe abandoned her again, and then Susie's stepdad was killed in a bad accident. So John and I took her and started adoption proceedings pretty quickly. Chloe had been gone close to a year by the time we adopted her. Then she showed up cranked up on heroin, not long ago. She's is court ordered rehab, she tried to grab Susie and run."

"You're kidding. Chloe was always kind of a wild child, wasn't she? How long has Susie lived with you two?"

"It's close to a year now. We took her just before Christmas last year, but she had spent most of the summer with us as well. We went to the Caribbean that summer and took her with us."

"And John didn't mind taking her in?"

"No, it was initially his idea to adopt her. I tried to adopt Susie the first time Chloe ditched, but I didn't get it through in time and of course John knew the whole story. This time...well as soon as we took her John was calling the lawyer and checking into how we could prevent Chloe from taking her again. In the spring Chloe had fallen off the wagon, and lost Susie here in New York actually. We had to get the police to help find them. Then Chloe takes off leaving Susie with Joe, her husband. He was a great guy, but after he died, Susie was on her own. I mean, no way Cookie and Henry were up to taking her. So John and I decided that adopting her was best. We used the abandonment to make our case. Good thing too, because Chloe wants her back."

"Well, after abandoning her more than once...I see why you would want to keep Susie."

"Exactly. Neither John nor I wanted to see Chloe take her again, Chloe is still using heroin and to let a drug addict and alcoholic take a little girl, well, we made sure she legally lost her rights to have Susie. Susie is doing great, well adjusted, doing wonderfully in school, and John has become daddy to her. He's wonderful, he treats her just like our other three."

"So you ended up with Prince Charming? Does he have a castle too?"

"Pretty damn close. If you get out to Chicago again you will have to come for a visit. His grandmothers house is like a small castle. But honestly? I would be with the guy even if he didn't have a single penny. I love him, like I am crazy _in love_ with him."

"Wow. That is honestly so great, Susan. You are really lucky to be with a guy you love that much. I love Kent too, but...crazy in love with him? I am not sure what that's like."

"Well, it has it's ups and downs, he's not perfect by any means and we have had our bumps in the road. But you know, I fell in love with him years ago, when I got pregnant with Brooklynn. Getting back together with him was rough too, he was...well, very upset with me about having his child without so much as a postcard. You know?"

"A postcard. You still have your sense of humour. But I can only imagine, getting back to Chicago and saying, hey John, guess what? I bet any guy would have freaked out. How old was your daughter then?"

"Four. Yeah, it was not a good scene when he found out, but at the end of the day we were meant to be together."

Lisa and I chat for hours. It is so good to be with a such a long time friend, I can tell her anything. We go for a shopping trip and I find three fabulous dresses that I purchase and have sent back to Chicago. I don't want to try and cram them into my little suitcase. Lisa rolls her eyes and laughs at me.

"Susan Lewis has become a Prima Donna. Oh wow, 'can you just, ahem, send those to Chicago for me?'" Lisa is killing herself laughing.

"Oh stop it." I have to laugh a little at myself. There was a time I would never even have thought of sending clothes home like that, but on the other hand, they were very expensive and I want them to arrive at home in good condition, not looking like dishrags. "Hey, I have to go out to some events, and John will be very well dressed."

"I just bet. He really was a nice piece of eye candy at the reunion. Most of the girls could not keep their eyes off of him. He looked so good in that suit, what was he wearing?"

"Uh, that night...Hugo Boss I think."

"Hugo Boss...you think? Just what else does the guy have in his closet...Armani?"

"Ah, well, yes? And maybe a bit of...Prada? He dresses well, he always has. Even his jeans are designer."

"Yeah, well, so are yours honey. And they look fabulous on you."

All in all, I have a great time, and the weekend is over too soon. Though I do miss my kids and of course I miss John quite a lot.

Lisa sees me off at the airport with promises that we will have to do another visit soon. I tell her to not be a stranger, she can come out and stay with us if she can get out to Chicago sometime soon.

"My parents are still there, so maybe Christmas time?"

"That would be great."

We wave good bye and I am back on the plane, happy to have reconnected with one of my oldest friends.


	64. Chapter 64

Susan is in New York for a few days, visiting her friend Lisa and I am working and taking care of the kids. Well, with the help of Louisa of course. She is like super nanny, and I need to give the girl a raise, she is so great with all the kids.

Things are going well, our love life is back on track, and the kids are doing well. Chloe is still in rehab, Cookie has stopped calling entirely, work is going great and everyone seems happy. Especially my grandmother, as she knows I am thinking seriously about her request. I catch her watching me, quite often, and I know she is observing my relationships...with Susan, with my kids, with Rachel, and how I am with the staff in the house. It is a little unnerving really, but I suppose she likes what she sees or she would not still be after me to make a decision.

It is time to bite the bullet, Gamma and I are meeting this evening. I have finished work for the day, another relatively good one, no one died on my watch, so I count that as a success. Better than a few days ago, where I felt like everyone who came in was doomed. We lost 5 patients during that shift, though not due to inattention or any fault of ours. They were simply too severely injured to be saved.

And we had a burn victim come through that day too. Those cases give me nightmares, as soon as they hit the trauma room, you know all you are doing is making them comfortable, that if they don't die on you right away, they are going up to the burn unit where their pain will be managed until they simply fade away. I cannot even imagine having to watch your loved one go through that, I really can't.

I pull into the garage, I am back to driving on of the SUV's now that fall and winter are on the way. The girls greet me at the door with yells of 'daddy!', and the twins toddle after them. They are saying 'dada' all the time now, and 'ma' is what they call Susan. It is kind of magical, watching them learn and grow, something I never thought I would have in my life, but in the last two years everything has changed.

"John, you're home." Gamma is in the kitchen, making some cookies. She still is keeping quite active, which is great, though I notice she is home more than she used to be. She cannot go without her nap in the afternoon anymore. She seems to be visiting her friends and getting out on an almost daily basis, though, so I try not to worry about the noticeable slow down.

"Gamma. Just finished work, so I was going to grab something to drink and spend a bit of time with the kids before dinner."

"Good, they were looking forward to you getting home, they miss their mom a bit, but it is good she is keeping in touch with her social circle. We are still going to have some time to chat this evening?"

"Yes, after dinnertime? I need to hear about the school day, and help the girls with some homework, you know the routine." And of course she does know, she often jumps in and gets involved, especially if I am at work. I can tell that moving out here was one of the best decisions we made, Gamma loves her great grandchildren and they love her. She is positively indulgent with them, something I don't remember from my childhood.

She was much stricter with us as kids, though she did show her soft side occasionally. Of course, I was not around nearly as much either, having been shipped off to boarding school. I don't resent it though, I am oddly grateful for being sent away, I might be a very different person if I had been left to my own devices in that massive house. In fact, I am positive I would much more of a mess than I already am, my grandparents saved me, and I know it.

I have my demons to contend with, but it could have been worse, far, far worse.

Dinner and bedtime goes smoothly. Everyone is so used to our routine that there do not seem to be any arguments. Susan has done a truly magnificent job on her time off, despite the whole Brooklynn issue that came up, everyone is remarkably well adjusted.

Brooklynn has gotten past her 'daddy must do everything' phase, and is back to being the lovely child she was when she first came into my life. Susie is coping well with the whole Chloe fiasco, and has put it behind her without much comment.

The twins are a going concern, active, playful and utterly charming, they are personable and loving little people, and I can only hope that they will stay that way.

Once everyone is in bed, Gamma and I shut ourselves in the study.

"John, I have been very anxious to hear your decision on the Foundation. I know you spoke with Susan?"

"Of course, whatever I decide will affect her as much as me. I have been trying to make our marriage into a partnership much like you had with grandfather." I still cannot call him anything but 'grandfather'. I know in his way, he loved us, but he was a very intimidating man and very formal. I loved and resented him in equal measure.

"Good. Susan and I had a nice visit the other day. She mentioned that things have smoothed out? You both seem a lot happier, and the children are all doing well. I have to say, I really approve of Susan, I wasn't sure at first, but she is…well…a lot like me I think. A very strong woman, she fits you so well."

"She definitely is that, she has to be, her life was not a bed of roses growing up. It is nice to see you getting along, I was a bit worried at first, but I love her, so, you would have had to put up with it in any case."

"Ah, I love your spirit. You know, I am incredibly proud of you, John. I think perhaps you have not heard that enough in your life. We haven't always seen eye to eye, but, you have stood your ground, done what you think is right, and learned from your mistakes. You are terrific with your children, and I hope that you never let anything get in the way of your family life. It is a balancing act, one I hope you can manage as they grow up."

"Me too. Imagine 4 teenagers, I am not sure how we are going to survive it." I joke lightly, though I am deeply touched. She is too right, my family has barely even said I love you, let alone…I'm proud of you? To hear my grandmother say it means the most out of anyone, because she literally has been everything in my life for a very long time. No matter what, she has been there, even if we haven't always agreed. I have given up on my parents, I have no hope that we will have a relationship of any substance.

She smiles at the comment. "You will be great, just keep Susan by your side. I wanted you to know I took her downstairs."

"Downstairs? Like…the vault?" I am really surprised to hear it, barely anyone knows about the vault.

"Yes. I know you trust her, and I do too. I want to give her access codes, she can have access to the jewellery stored there, and I did tell her there is emergency cash there too. Any objections?"

"None at all. She knows that it is not to be spoken of I take it?"

"Yes, she knows that Jack has no idea that you have access, and Susan is to pretend she knows nothing about it. So, what is your decision?"

Point of no return. I know I am there, the next words out of my mouth will change my life. Forever. I have mixed feelings, but Susan and I have discussed this extensively now and I know she will be there for me.

"Yes." One word, and it changes everything.

Gamma smiles, she almost looks like the cat that ate the canary. She finally get what she wants, but in the end, things will be on my terms.

"I am so pleased. I had hoped for this, out of everyone in our family, I believe you are the one who can truly carry on the family name. I don't believe either your father or your uncle would manage this task nearly as well as you."

"Your confidence in me is a little overwhelming, but all I can do is my best."

She is happy as a lark now, she is finally getting her way. I am going to be part of the Foundation. No, I am going to be _running_ the Foundation. Damn, just how did that happen, I have spent my whole life avoiding it, and here I am, taking over.

Still, I know I can do a whole lot of good with all the resources and money I can now access.

"It is well deserved, John. You may still be a young man, but you have grown and matured in ways I could never have imagined. If you had said even 5 years ago that I would be handing the reins over to someone so young, I would have laughed. But, your life experiences, your education, and your selfless dedication to medicine and helping people has made me believe you are the right choice. For a long time I thought that we needed to bring you in and just have you sit on the board for a while, that I would be forced to give the Chairman position to your father. You know how disappointed I am in my two sons, I feel that I failed with them. But you, John, I know you will do great things with the Foundation."

"I hope I don't disappoint you."

"You never have, truly, you never have. Even in adversity, you have picked yourself up and become a better person. You may make mistakes in the future, but you learn from them and keep going. John Sr. and I made our share of errors too. Don't ever think that we were perfect, we never were, John."

I nod. I understand, I really do, nobody is perfect, and you cannot expect them to be. I have definitely learned that over the past while, perfection is overrated. Or maybe, the better way of looking at it is perfection is accepting the imperfect. My life right now, it is pretty much perfect, but neither Susan nor I are or ever will be perfect. Rather we are happy and fulfilled, we have everything, because we have each other and our family.

"So, I will speak with the powers that be and we will get the paperwork done up and iron out the details. I would like you to take over as soon as possible, and I will move behind the scenes. I don't want to interfere, and I want everyone to know you have full authority, the key is, do not defer to anyone. Especially not your father, he will not be happy, and you already know this. But, he has no power over you, John, none. You run things your way."

"I know. Don't worry, he is not going to tell me what to do, when was the last time I actually did what I was told? Especially anything Jack told me to do?"

"Ah, good point, John. Not for a very long time, you are stubborn and strong-willed, you truly are a Carter."

A compliment I guess – I am truly a Carter. There was a time in my life when I would have jumped through hoops to have even one of my parents tell me they were proud of me. But now? I honestly don't care. As I said to Susan not so long ago, their inability to connect, and their total lack of interest in my life is not my problem. It's theirs.

The time where I tie myself in knots and let them get to me and interfere in my happiness? It's long gone.

Gamma and I move onto discussing some of the current initiatives and I let her know my ideas for the Chase Carter Memorial Scholarship.

Gamma is thrilled with the idea and in support of committing some funds to start up the account. Properly invested, we hope to provide at least one scholarship per year for an aspiring artist in financial need, one who has worked hard but just does not have the resources to go to art school.

After we show Chase's work, if there are any sales, those funds will be added into the money. I would like to not deplete the principal, but instead earn enough interest and hopefully make it grow to be self-sustaining.

Sandro has been great, so far the show looks like it is going to be fantastic.

I am off today, so I am stopping by County for a few minutes. I want to drop off a birthday present for Deb, and I have agreed to meet Abby for coffee. The message she left was like a white flag.

_"Carter…John…I know you probably don't want to hear from me, but do you think we could meet? Go for coffee and pie, just at Docs. There are things I need to say. Please? Call me back, you know my numbers."_

I wander in and as usual, Jerry is at the desk.

"Dr. Carter. To what do we owe the great honour?" Jerry is cheerful as I remember.

"Is Deb around?"

"Dr. Chen. Yes, she just went into the lounge."

I see Abby and give her a little wave, and point to the lounge, she nods, I can see she is finishing with a patient. Jerry is watching me, he looks a bit surprised that I am even acknowledging her, but, we are all adults here, and I would like to hear what she has to say.

Maybe another part of my grow the fuck up plan? Or a big mistake. I really don't know.

I step into the lounge, Deb is at her locker.

"Deb! Happy birthday! Well, happy early birthday, I know it's not for a few days but I have to work and I am not sure I will see you." I give her a big hug and hand her the gift wrapped box.

"John. You remembered!" She looks close to tears, I know that she is still on the outs with her parents and she has a small circle of friends here in Chicago. Her family is mostly in China, so I am betting no one has made much of a deal about her birthday that is coming up.

"Of course I remembered, Deb. I would like to take you out for dinner in the next week or so, if you have time? Let me know your work schedule and between the two of us we can pick a day. This weekend is kind of booked up, but other than that I can usually get away."

"You know your lovely wife left me a message too? She wants to do lunch next week for my birthday as well. I wonder how she knew."

"Actually? I don't know Deb, I didn't say anything to her. She's in New York for a few days."

"Everything…okay with you two?"

"Yes, we are doing really well. She is just visiting a school friend, Lisa. And doing a bit of shopping. She has to go back to work soon, so she wanted to go while she still had time. We've had our moments, I'm not going to lie, but now? It is really great."

"Good, I am glad, John. That you are happy. You deserve it."

"Thanks Deb. And you? Anything new and exciting."

"Not really, though, I have been seeing someone."

"Really? Who?"

"Greg Pratt."

I am a bit speechless. He seems like an okay guy, though a bit…arrogant and overbearing at times.

"Wow, did not see that one coming, but if you are happy, great."

"Kind of like no one saw the you and Lewis thing coming? I still can't believe you have a 6 year old daughter, from a hot little affair while you were an intern."

"I know, crazy right? Now I have 4 kids, which is the one that still blows me away some days. And, I have some even bigger changes coming."

"Susan's pregnant again?"

I hold up my hands. "Nooooo, no. We haven't discussed having any more kids, and I think we might be about done. I am not so sure Susan would be excited about getting pregnant again." Though come to think of it, maybe we should be having that discussion soon...I really do think we need to both be on the same page.

"Yeah, 4 kids, I just bet you are about done. So? Tell me."

"Well, the impossible has finally happened. I…am taking over the Foundation."

"No way. No way in hell. Seriously? I thought you would never do that."

"Me too. But, after a lot of thought, and a lot of discussion, here I am. The paperwork should be through by January, Gamma is not up to staying in the Chairman position, she wants and needs to slow down. She's 78."

"So you accepted the treasurer position she has been after you about? I guess your dad will be excited to be in charge finally."

"Or...not so excited. Maybe a bit pissed in fact."

Deb turns and gives me a thoughtful look. "And why might that be, John?"

"Because Gamma isn't handing over the Chairman position to Jack."

Deb's mouth drops open. " _She's making you Chairman?_ Oh wow, how does Jack feel about it? I thought she wanted you as treasurer and your dad was going to be Chairman."

"She changed her mind, and I don't know yet, he won't know until it's a done deal. Whatever, not like he is really part of my life these days, and he hasn't been in a long time. If he's mad about it, he can take it up with my grandmother."

"Like that will happen. Well, good luck with it, John, you will be great you know."

"I hope so, Deb. Anyway, you have a terrific birthday, and I will call you in a couple days if you want to check your schedule."

"Thanks John. Love you."

"Love you too Deb." I give her a big hug, just as Abby comes in. She gives us a look, which I pointedly ignore, and I release Deb.

Deb raises an eyebrow as I look at Abby.

"Ready?"

"Yes. I'm off and I signed out."

"Okay. Docs?"

She shrugs and we leave, I know I will hear about this from Deb later.

"Can we not go to Doc's? I think it would be better if we were somewhere else? Where nobody from County is going to interrupt?" Abby shuffles along the ambulance bay.

"Fine. Where do you want to go? I drove, so we can go just about anywhere."

"How about…that little café that was near where you used to live? You know the one?"

"Yes, I know the one. I'm parked over here."

I open her door, and she gets in sitting back in the leather seat.

"Another new car, John?"

"Well, it's about a year old. We bought it just before the twins were born, we needed something a bit bigger."

"I still cannot believe it, Carter the family guy, with the SUV and the whole deal. I knew you might have kids one day, but 4 is crazy."

"Well, it just kind of happened that way. The plan was two, but." I shrug. "What do you do?"

"I suppose, if you get twins you can't really send one back."

I laugh. "I suppose not, and honestly, I wouldn't want to. They are both really precious."

"So walking yet?"

"Almost running, I swear they crawled for about 2 seconds and then decided they couldn't move fast enough so now they are both walking. And talking if you can believe it. Just little words but still."

"That's quick, how old are they?"

"10 months. I guess they feel the need to keep up with the big sisters."

I park outside the café and we manage to get a booth. We both order coffee and some lunch.

"So how are things with you?" I wade into the deep end. "All good with the family?"

"Hm, not so great really. Maggie is still off and on with her meds, Eric is still in denial and thinks he doesn't even need them. They are both in Minnesota now, and I realize I can't fix them or tell them what to do, it is now up to them."

"I'm sorry, I was hoping you could get them on track, it must be tough."

"Some days, yes, but mostly, I have just left them to their own devices. I can't spend the rest of my life running after them." She gives a deep sigh. "Thanks for meeting me, Carter, I know we didn't leave things on great terms."

"Ya think?" I can hear the sarcasm in my voice, and I try to rein it in. "Sorry, I guess I am still a little angry."

"I know, and really, it is me who should be saying sorry. For a lot of things." She meets my eyes. "It was stupid and wrong to forge your name. And even stupider to suggest that you should take the fall for what I did. You were always good to me, you were a great teacher when I was a med student, you were a good friend when I needed to talk, and I… ruined it. I pushed back when you tried to help me with my drinking and I tried to destroy your relationship with Susan. I admit it, John, I am really sorry I did all those things."

I lean back and take this in. "Working on your steps are you?"

She looks at me knowingly. We had a similar conversation when I got back from Atlanta.

"Something like that. I woke up one day and looked in the mirror and I didn't like what I saw. I'm sick of myself, I've been lying to myself, and I've been lying to those around me. You saw it, and told me I needed to stop drinking, that one or two beers were not okay. You told Luka too, to stop enabling me, but he didn't listen, right?"

I shrug. "What I've learned is that until you want to help yourself, no amount of effort from anyone around you makes any difference. You can offer the help, and do what you can, but at the end of the day, the person has to want to change. My very wise friend pointed that out recently. I did want to help you, but you weren't ready to listen."

"You listened, when I got you busted."

"Only because Benton forced me to, but obviously I was ready to get help at that point."

"Maybe, the cracks were starting to show, Jing-Mei was really concerned, so if I hadn't caught you, I think she would have pushed the issue. She went to Mark a few times."

"I know, she told me. It was reassuring to find out I had friends, though it was tough coming back and finding out that some people will never get over it."

"Like Weaver?"

"Pretty much, yes. Mark to a certain extent as well."

"You were offered Chief though."

"Yeah, right. Because Kerry didn't want to be bothered to do a search. I wanted to be chosen for it, not default into it as a last choice. I worked damn hard for years at County and I always knew I wanted that job, one mistake and it was all over. I go to Northwestern and I feel like I'm wanted there, I wasn't feeling like that at County."

"Yeah, I get it. Anyways, this is about more than steps in a program. This is about realizing that I hurt someone that was at one time, one of my best friends in the entire world. That my drinking was causing me to do things that made me not like myself very much. I get why you tossed me off your property, I get why you stopped talking to me. I am truly and deeply sorry for trying to get between you and Susan and causing problems in your marriage. I am sorry for not being a real friend, for lying and forging your signature, and for anything else that I did that destroyed our friendship."

"Okay. I am really glad that you are getting help, and I hope that you can stick with it."

"That's it?" She frowns at me.

"What were you expecting? I'm happy to know you recognize the damage you've done, and that you are ready to get help."

"I was kind of hoping…that you would start to come to meetings with me again, that we could be friends again. I miss us hanging out, going for coffee and pie, you know?" She looks really hopeful, but I have to burst her bubble.

"Abby. I accept the apology, and you know, we can talk, but I have no intention of going back to meetings and we can't hang out like we used to. I'm married, I have kids, a full time job, Peter and I are doing a study, I'm double boarding, and I have a bunch of new things going on in my life. It's not like it used to be."

"So you are completely cured of being a drug addict?" She is being sarcastic and it is damn irritating. Abby is single and right now, I am pretty sure her life consists of work and meetings. And honestly, if that is the truth, I feel for her. That was my life for quite a while after coming home from Atlanta, and I don't miss it. In the least. But she had to understand that I have big obligations and dropping everything to run back to meetings and hanging out with her is just not going to happen.

"No. I am not naïve enough to think that being clean for a couple years is considered being cured of addiction." I say this firmly, I know for a fact I am not 'cured'.

I am not getting into what went down on our trip, the issues it caused in my marriage, or anything so personal. Not with Abby, not a chance. She broke my trust, and to be completely honest, she doesn't need to know how close Susan and I came to losing everything we had together. I don't _want_ her to know, it's not her business.

"Good, because you're not cured, Carter. You need the meeting as much as I do." She is trying to draw me in, and I am suspicious as to why.

"No, I don't need the meetings. If you do, then fine." I consider for a moment. No harm in admitting this part. "I am seeing someone privately, and that is helping me far more than endless NA or AA meetings. I am not going back to that whole…routine I guess is the best way to put it. I am not ignoring my issues, I talk about things more now, I don't keep it all bottled up."

"You're seeing a therapist?" She seems incredulous at my admission.

"Yes, Abby, I am. And it has really helped, the one on one thing works for me far better than the meetings and the sponsor and the steps, all of that. It's my personal preference, and it fits into my life better."

"Too important and busy for meetings are you?"

"Private therapy is far more economical, time wise. I am not sweeping things under the rug, or discounting the good that meetings do for people. It just isn't the best route for me personally." Again, I am not going into details, she doesn't need to know that Susan is going or that we have been doing couples sessions.

"You can afford it too."

"I suppose so, but you do have benefits through work Abby, if you really wanted to, you could start talking to someone privately too. But it is up to you, a personal choice, if meetings keep you going, and are what you want, then do it."

"And how does Susan fit in?" She raises an eyebrow.

"Fit in to what exactly?"

"The whole therapy thing. You know, your addiction, and your recovery. Do you share with her? Does she know you're seeing someone?"

"Of course I share with her and yes she knows, she is incredibly supportive of my decision. She's my wife, Abby, we talk about everything. I don't have secrets from Susan, we support each other. It's called marriage."

"Yeah, Carter, I've been married. I know the concept."

"Good, I am glad you understand" I almost roll my eyes at her 'I know the concept' statement. I am not sure she does, after all, she's divorced. Richard was no prince, but on the other hand I know for sure from my own experiences it takes two. It was kind of like her whole 'don't fix me I'm not broken' crap, a total denial statement.

"So, you're going to tell Susan you saw me?"

"Yes, of course. Why wouldn't I?"

"She won't be angry with you?"

"Uh, no, why would she be angry. I met you for lunch, big deal. I meet people for lunch all the time."

"I would rather you didn't tell her, I mean, she doesn't need to know does she?"

"Why don't you want me to tell her?"

"She doesn't like me for some reason. I know she's your wife and all, but she holds a grudge."

"Or maybe she just doesn't trust you. You could try apologizing to her too, you know. You didn't just mess with my life when you did those things, you affected hers to. She is a good person, Abby, for a while there I thought you two were actually friends. She was hurt."

"By what Carter."

"Your interference in our marriage? Your actions that caused me to be suspended from work?"

"Oh I'm sure she was real upset that you had to take two months and go to Italy because you were off work. I am sure it has been really tough married to a multi-millionaire and living in a multi-million dollar mansion."

"How about your little 'game' in the lounge that day Susan was at County."

Abby snaps her mouth shut and stares at me. I can almost see the wheels turning. "She told you. When did she tell you? She's like a narc isn't she?"

"When she got home that afternoon. As did a couple other people. You were not subtle, at all. What do you think Susan and I talk about? You think that you can get away with shit like that, say stuff like that to my wife and I won't find out? Give your head a shake Abby, Susan and I communicate, we talk, and I can tell when she's upset about something. You wonder why I don't want to just jump back in and be your best friend. You told my wife she should leave? Ring a bell?"

Abby bites her lip. "Sorry, I'm sorry."

"Yeah, you should be. Friends don't say things like that, Abby, they don't put people's careers in jeopardy, and they don't try to ruin marriages. Especially when there are children involved in the relationship. We had two newborn babies and two little girls at home and you were trying to sink us. Do you have any idea how I felt when I heard that? Any clue?"

Abby shakes her head. "I am sorry, Carter."

"Are you? Is this all real Abby, or another game? See, I don't know, because you've done it before. Don't hold it against Susan for being upset and hurt, and you have no right to be mad that she told me what you said. Again, Abby, she is my wife, it's called marriage, she didn't just tell me to make trouble for you, she told me something that affected the relationship she and I have."

"I understand. Okay, you're right, John. I shouldn't be upset with Susan."

"Okay. Now. Is this all for real? I really hope so, because it would be nice to see the old Abby come back some day."

"The old Abby?"

"Yeah, the fun Abby, the one I used to hang out with? The sober one who didn't do shit like this, the one who was such a good friend. It is a bit too late for us, but don't ruin your other relationships too."

"So, no hanging out for coffee and pie, no meetings or walks along the river? I need you in my life Carter."

"No you don't, you've been fine without me for quite some time. It is going to take time you know? You broke my trust, and that is hard to get over. I have far too much going on in my life, things I have to deal with and I can't take on your issues too. I am guessing you have a sponsor, you need to lean on them, I am of no use to you right now. Create a new support circle, and keep going forward."

"That's what you've done?"

"Yes, I have. I do my therapy, I spend a lot of time with my family and friends, and I am enjoying my work. It makes things worthwhile, I have found some balance in my life. It's not all about being an addict, going to meetings and going to work. I have so much more, and I hope you can find that for yourself too."

We finish eating, chatting a bit more. It feels like closure, I know that we will never have that close friendship we used to have, but at least I see a bit of remorse.

I glance at my watch. "Sorry Abby, I have to go, I need to pick up Susan from the airport."

"Oh, where was she?"

"New York, visiting a friend. It's a surprise and I don't want to miss her."

I drop some cash on the table for the bill and we part ways.

Traffic is not too bad, so I get to the airport in plenty of time to meet the flight.

"John!" Susan gives me a huge smile and throws herself into my arms. Her lips are so soft, luscious, as she lays an incredible kiss on me. Life cannot get much better than a beautiful woman being so excited to see you.

"Hi baby. How was your trip?" I swing her around, I can see we have a bit of an audience, an older couple is watching us greet each other with indulgent smiles on their faces.

"It was great. How are my babies?"

"The kids are all good. The girls are in school and the twins are with Louisa. They are excited that you will be home tonight, they all missed you." I grab her suitcase off the carousel. "What do you have in this thing?"

"Ah, don't be such a wimp, John. I put it on at the other end." Susan pokes my ribs. "Just a few pairs of shoes. I had them ship the dresses separately as I didn't want them all messed up."

"Yes, they came to the house already, and they are in the closet. Very nice, they will look gorgeous on you."

"You peeked!"

"Hey." I slide my arm around her and give her a tight squeeze. "I missed you, and I am so glad you're home."

"Me too."

I pop the trunk and tuck the suitcase in, after opening the passenger door for Susan. It takes a few minutes to get out of the airport, but we are soon speeding towards home.

"No work today?"

"Nope, but we are both in tomorrow. Are you excited to get back?"

"Yes and no. Rosen said he needs me in his office before I start, hope it's nothing serious."

"Oh, I know what that's about. You just need to sign some papers, I had him increase your malpractice coverage, I did mine again too. With taking over the Foundation, we have to be covered. I would prefer you didn't get into the Foundation stuff at work if you can avoid it, don't make yourself a target."

"Ah, so the whole association thing, right? I didn't say anything to Lisa either. She is too close to Mads still. She didn't even mention the whole Rudy thing though, so I am not sure if she doesn't know, or just didn't want to talk about it."

"Better just to leave that whole thing alone anyway."

"I suppose. How is Rachel doing? She must be getting really close to having that baby."

"She seems okay, she doesn't talk to me too much anymore. Not really. I guess the whole Keaton thing? She made some snide comment, so she definitely thinks I was cheating on you. Maybe have a chat with her? I am a little tired of rumours and innuendo."

"Sweetie, I will talk to her. Anything else happen?"

"I took Deb a birthday present and went for coffee with Abby."

"Keaton's in town?"

"No, Lockhart?"

"No way. Really?"

"Yes. She apologized for everything. I guess she is back on the wagon, and decided that she needs to start working her steps. Though for some reason she thought once she apologized it was going to be all just peachy."

"She apologized. Well, that's a start. But what do you mean by peachy?"

"She wanted me to start going to meetings with her again, hang out, all of that."

"Seriously. And what did you say?"

"No. I told her I was glad she was on track, and I accept the apology but the damage is done. I don't have the time or inclination for any of it, Susan. I'd much rather be spending my time with you, our kids, our friends. Plus I have a heavy work commitment. And meetings...no way in hell."

"I agree, why bother with meetings, you are seeing Renee still regularly and we have our couple sessions, so you are getting the support you need without them. And I would rather you be spending your time with me and the kids too."

"Exactly. So, other news, I told Gamma I'd take over, we got the scholarship set up for the Chase Carter Memorial, Sandro is getting the show together, and we are organized for Saturday night at the benefit."

"You have been a busy boy while I was gone."

"You know it. I really am glad you're home, I missed you so much."

"I love you too baby." Susan reaches over and rests her hand on the back of my neck, I really have missed her.


	65. Chapter 65

Getting back to work has been crazy, but great in some ways. I have missed my professional life, but I miss being at home with my babies too. As agreed with Rosen, I am only working a certain number of hours per week, and he has been good about scheduling me mostly with John and Peter. John is not in the ER a lot right now, he is spending a lot of time up in Surgery with Peter.

Their study is going well, and I know he is spending quite a bit of time writing when he has a few minutes. It is good and bad to have him away so much, his trauma knowledge and confident teaching style are missed, though I find I am enjoying running lead on a lot of the incoming majors.

Rachel is getting huge and is due very soon, I have missed her during my time off. We fall back into the routine of going for coffee or lunch when we can, though she is going to be moving out of state very soon. Her divorce is well under way, and she wants to be close to her parents once the baby is born.

I am a bit sad to lose yet another friend, but that is the nature of medicine. Doctors tend to move around a lot, and I certainly understand wanting to be close to family. I did very much the same thing when I moved to Phoenix, to be close to Chloe and Susie.

The benefit went well, John as always was the consummate host, moving around the room easily. I felt relaxed too, I am getting used to being on his arm for such occasions, and I know the drill. Millicent showed up for a very short time, less than an hour, just to make the appearance, and then she went home. She has been tight lipped about John taking over so far, I think she wants it to be a done deal before Jack hears the news.

She does look happy though, and her relationship with John has become even closer. She has been spoiling the kids with attention recently as well, more so than ever, and I wonder if it is just because of the status change with John?

Millicent as usual is helping us with the kids, it is wonderful to have her involvement. I am sad that none of the grandparents have taken much interest, though Jack has decided to join us for dinner before he leaves town yet again. He has hung around for a few days after the benefit.

"Mother, you are spoiling these children, it is so unlike you to be indulgent."

"Oh hush, Jack, let an old lady enjoy her great grandchildren." Millicent puts him in his place quickly.

I laugh silently, it is nice to see Jack Carter shushed, no one else can seem to do that. He has been constantly at John the past few days, so I am very glad that he is staying at a hotel, as is his habit, not at the house. John luckily is at work tonight.

I have to say though, John is not taking much crap from Jack these days. Any criticism of how he is managing things is met with a very direct stare and raised eyebrow, a bit of a 'shut the hell up look if I interpret it correctly'. I feel like John has really come into his own in the past few months, just everything about him has changed just ever so slightly. In a good way though, he is still the very kind and loving man I married, but he is not taking anything his parents say to heart. About time I say.

We get the kids into bed, and Jack departs for his hotel. John gets home a couple hours later, looking tired. It is just before midnight, so I have stayed awake so I can see him.

"Hi sweetie, you're still awake." He stops by the bed and gives me a quick kiss, but I hold onto him for a moment.

"I wanted to wait up. It has been a bit crazy, I've missed you." I kiss him back, caressing the nape of his neck and running my fingers into his hair. I give him a little suggestive grin.

"Mm, well, hold that thought. I need to shower off the hospital smell." He nibbles at my neck gently then gives me a wink.

"Don't take too long, or I might be forced to come looking for you."

"Really, well, then I might just…take my time. I like a little company in the shower."

He starts to remove his clothes on the way to the bathroom, dropping them carelessly as each piece comes off. His shirt lands at the end of the bed. His pants drop and are left in a pool halfway there, then he shucks his boxers, and I have a view of his tight firm ass. He is giving me a little strip tease, playfully inviting me to join him. I slide out of bed, locking the bedroom door, then I remove my nightie as I hear the water start to run. I arrive in the bathroom as he is rinsing the shampoo out of his hair, open the shower door and step in with him.

"What took you so long?" He whispers as his arms wrap around me.

His response makes me glad I waited up for him to get home. I know how important keeping both our physical and emotional connection is, especially now I have gone back to work. And I am not disappointed in the performance, as usual he is attentive and energetic, making sure I get my pleasure before taking his.

"Mm-mm, that was great baby." I lay across his chest in our big bed, feeling very well loved. My guy has stamina, and I am grateful for that daily.

His arm tightens around me as he sighs in contentment. "You can shower with me whenever you like. So, how did everything go tonight?"

"Oh, the usual, you know? Jack was incredibly formal, and Millicent was, well Millicent. Though, Jack accused her of being indulgent and spoiling the kids."

John laughs at this tidbit. "Well, she kind of is you know? I don't remember her being like this even with us as kids. She was always very strict with us. But, you know what she said not long ago?"

"No, what?"

"That she wished she had been less strict with the grandchildren, but it was how she was raised, to instill respect, and we were very much taught that growing up. She wants her great grandchildren to be respectful, of course, but she also doesn't want them to have the same sort of…fear driven into them as we had when we were kids. She sees how we are raising our kids, and she loves the balance, the fact that we demand their respect but they don't fear us, we show them a lot of love."

"I never thought of it that way, but to me, that is how it should be. Maybe it won't always be, when they turn into headstrong teenagers, but right now, they are so great. Happy, well adjusted, kind and generous, and so much fun to be around. You know, Millicent and I talked a bit about the kids the other day as well, and she told me she loves how we are with them."

"Was that the day she gave you the tour…of the downstairs?"

"Yes. Boy was I shocked about what was hidden downstairs. I am sworn to secrecy though." John and I had not talked about the vault yet, though apparently Millicent had filled him in. "Do you mind that she told me?"

"Don't be silly, of course not. First of all, everything in there is hers, so she can tell who she wants. Secondly, we both trust you, without question. You know the meaning of confidentiality, you are my wife and it is not an issue with me if you know and have access."

"She said she was going to set up combinations for me? Not sure what that means, but anyway, you might object, it is your inheritance in there."

"My inheritance? I sincerely doubt it baby, but even if it were, I'm a good sharer. She is getting you a key, and then you will get the combination to open the door. I will show you how it all works, give you a little tutorial one day when we have a bit of time together to do it. Then you will be able to get in, though don't go in unless you absolutely need to, if you spend a lot of time downstairs someone might get suspicious."

"Millicent cautioned me too. I get it John, there is a lot of valuable stuff in there and it is best no one knows it's there. We don't want burglars or the like."

"Right, and Jack doesn't have access so he would be ripped if he knew you had a key. It is going to get bumpy when he finds out about the foundation stuff, so be prepared."

"I know. So, I invited Jing-Mei to come out for dinner, with her new boyfriend. I hope that's okay?"

"Sure. You know she is dating Pratt though right? He is going to have heart failure when he arrives here."

"Greg Pratt? She didn't say that. Sorry, should we go out instead?"

"Nah, it's fine. Everyone already knows my family has money, or pretty much anyways. Deb has been here before, and she grew up much the same as I did, her parents' house is certainly not a shack by any stretch."

"You've been there?"

"Yes, I have. Deb and I have been friends for a long time."

"I know. Okay, so I made sure I set it for a day you are off work. Corinne is going to make a cake."

"Great. So I told Deb about the Foundation thing…it was kind of cute, I told her we had big changes coming and she asked me if you were pregnant."

I start to laugh. "She sounds like my parents. Anytime we have news…oh you're pregnant? I am very glad I am not."

"Which maybe we should talk about."

My heart stops for a second. "You want to have another baby?" I look at him wide eyed, I feel like a deer in the headlights.

"No. Why are you looking at me like that?"

I can see his mouth twitching, he is trying not to laugh at me.

"I thought…maybe she gave you some ideas about having more kids."

"Uh, no. Just more that we haven't discussed it, and maybe we should? From that reaction my guess is that you are done with having babies?"

I give a sigh of relief. "Oh, okay then. Well, after having the twins, and given that we have four kids when I really thought I was only ever going to have two…yeah, I think I'm done. You good with that?"

"Uh huh. I was just thinking that maybe I would…get things taken care of? So we don't have to be so careful, because with our record, if I look at you the wrong way you are going to get knocked up."

I giggle, know that is probably true. We have been really careful with our birth control, I seem to get pregnant rather easily. "Ah, good idea. You are willing to do that?"

"Sure, it's a quick outpatient procedure, I can book it when I know I have a few days off, and we can make sure Louisa is going to be around to help you with the kids. It is a bit more invasive for you."

"But you are younger than me."

"And that matters why? One of us has to do it, if we are absolutely sure we are not wanting any more kids then it doesn't matter, aside from which procedure is less risky and less invasive. Which is mine, I will have a quicker recovery than you would."

"So what if something happens and you decide that you want another one in the future?"

John frowns at me. "Something? Please don't talk like that, baby. You think I am going to go out and replace you with a younger model or something? One that is going to want me to produce more children?"

I can see he is truly not happy with me saying that, and I have to admit it was stupid. First of all, he has committed to me and I don't want to imply that we are not going to stay together. Second, even if something did happen, we have four children…I seriously doubt he is going to be looking to have any more.

"No. You're right that was a silly comment. It's just… you are really still young, I mean barely 32 and you are going to do that?"

"Are you saying you want to have more kids? Because 4 is a pretty decent tribe."

"No, no, I'm good. Okay, make the appointment. I think you are right, four kids is perfect."

"Okay then. You are really ready and okay with it, if not, then speak now, because it is pretty difficult to reverse once it's done."

"Make the appointment."

"Done."

I know the next day John phones and makes an appointment to see his personal physician. He could go to Northwestern easily but we both prefer keep this private. I was pretty sure we were done after the twins were born, but to know he is thinking the same thing is a good. That he is taking such measures…well it is reassuring in some ways, he is happy with me and with his family as it is, and it just makes sense.

It will be sometime in January for his appointment, but that is okay. We have made another decision in our lives.

The next few days I work with Corinne and we plan out the dinner for Jing-Mei. I know John is going to take her out one night, just the two of them, but I thought this would be nice to do a 'double date' type thing, entertain at home. We do go out with Tiffany, Jim, Ryan and Angie, but it is nice to expand the circle a bit too.

I have let Jing-Mei know that if they come up in the afternoon, she can have a chance to see the kids, she loves our tribe as she calls them. I know she misses her own son Michael, and I hope someday she can have another child. She is just a year younger than John, so she still has lots of time to have a baby.

It turns out Pratt has to work until 6 pm, so John picks up Jing-Mei and drives her out to the house early. Then Pratt can take her home later. He has directions to get to the house and will be here in time for dinner.

We have a fun afternoon, Jing-Mei plays with the kids, we go up to the stables and John gets her up on Farah for a ride in the ring and then we go back to the house.

"I have never been on a horse before, John that was a lot of fun. I am a little embarrassed that your 6 year old can ride circles around me though. The twins almost ride better than I do."

John gave the twins both their customary ride on Eclipse with him. We cannot get them anywhere near the stables without the cries of 'hoss' and 'up dada, up'. They are coming up on 11 months and they are chattering up a storm…in mostly one syllable though recognizable babble.

"So, John, how was your lunch with Abby?" Jing-Mei looks almost bursting with curiosity.

"Fine. A bury the hatchet, call a truce kind of thing."

"Your idea or hers?"

"Hers. She called me and asked if we could meet. And she apologized."

"Really. Well, that is good I guess."

"Sure, she at least showed some remorse. Doesn't change much, though, I am not running out to spend a lot of time with her or anything. And I still think she needs to apologize to Susan, but we will see if she does."

"Did you tell her that?" Jing-Mei raises her eyebrow at John.

"Yeah I did. I didn't make it easy on her, she needs to understand that what she did was way out of line and a simple I'm sorry is not quite enough. I called her on the crap she said to Susan in the lunch room, she seemed a bit shocked that Susan told me."

I frown at this. "You told her off?"

"Absolutely. She and I didn't get into it before, but she had the balls to say you narked on her. I told her to get her head out of her ass, you telling me things that affect our relationship is hardly tattling. Especially the kinds of things she said to you."

"Did she admit it?" Jing-Mei's mouth is twitching a bit. She knows this is all serious, but on the other hand, John taking a strip off of Abby is kind of sweet.

"Yes, she did. She said she was sorry again, she knew that she was caught, and denying it wouldn't endear her to me. I am waiting to see if she gets up the courage to apologize to Susan, then I will know it's for real, and she is actually trying to get better."

Jing-Mei gives John a big hug. " _You_ are a rock star. I love that you put her in her place and that you are standing up for your wife like that."

"What else would I do, Deb? She's my wife, I always have her back."

I give him my own hug and kiss. I apparently had not asked the right questions, I didn't know he had confronted Abby so directly about the conversation in the lounge. Or that he was holding out for her to make amends to me. I don't expect it, I would be surprised, but you never know.

I show Jing-Mei to one of the guest rooms so she can freshen up and change after being with the horses. Then we all sit and talk, Louisa has taken the kids into the kitchen for some dinner and then she will get them all into bed.

Greg arrives at 6:45. I can tell he is a bit in awe as Henry opens the door.

"Sir, may I take your coat?"

"Yes, thanks. Dr. Carter."

"Greg, you can call me John, no need for the formality. We are not at work."

"Right, sorry. Um, this is a nice place you have here."

He gives Jing-Mei a kiss and we all sit down for drinks. John is such a great host and so relaxed that he soon has Greg talking, and not just about work either. Greg has seen John drive the Maserati, and they talk a bit about cars, which seems to be a passion for Greg, so John takes him into the garages. He comes back looking like a kid that just visited his favourite candy store.

"Wow that is quite the collection."

"My grandfather was very much into his cars."

They get into sports next, while Jing-Mei and I get into a whole other conversation. Part of which is to wonder why guys can talk about sports for hours. I know John likes sports but he is letting Greg lead the conversation, letting him talk about things he's interested in and trying to keep away from conversations about the hospital and medicine.

Corinne discreetly lets John know that dinner is ready, and we all sit down. Greg again looks a bit in awe of the service, though the rest of us are used to it. Jing-Mei did have the benefit of many dinner parties with her parents. But Greg does carry it off and it goes smoothly, including the lovely dessert at the end, the impressive restaurant quality chocolate cake.

The evening goes off without a hitch, and I can tell Jing-Mei has had a great time. I need to remind myself to invite her out once in a while, we used to have a lot of fun on girls night. Though it will be minus Abby now, we should still get out once in a while.

The next big event is Chase's art show. It seems we are pretty darn busy these days, as soon as the show is done, we will be getting ready for Christmas.

I spend part of the afternoon in town getting ready, then the limo takes me over to County. John has had Alger drop him, he has promised to pick up Anna, as she has gone to say hi to a few of the people, especially Elizabeth who she became quite close with.

I walk into the ER and I get looks. Chuny literally stops and stares at me.

"Oh, wow, Dr. Lewis! Oo la la!"

I feel great, the dress I bought in New York is form fitting and falls smoothly to the floor. My hair has been professionally styled and my makeup done. All I am missing are the Cartier jewels that John said he would bring for me to wear.

"So, where did you get that dress?

"New York, I was out to visit a friend and did a little shopping."

"What is that, Chanel?"

"How did you know?"

"I check out the fashion mags. I cannot believe you actually have a Chanel dress. That is crazy." She stops suddenly staring over my shoulder. "Oh my goodness. Look at what just walked in."

I turn and laugh slightly. John. Of course. And he looks soooo good in his tuxedo, I am almost drooling and I get to go home with him later.

He heads my way. "Hi." He gives me a kiss. "You look absolutely gorgeous."

"So do you." Comes from Chuny.

"Thanks Chuny, how are you?" He doesn't miss a beat, but he knows her well.

"Great. You two have a good time." She shoots off to manage a patient.

John leads me to the lounge, then pulls out some boxes. "Why don't we put these on while we wait for Anna?" He steps behind me and fastens the diamond necklace around my neck, just as Abby walks in. She stops and stares at us.

"Hi Abby." I say politely as John flips open the second box and pulls out the diamond drop earrings. He puts them on for me, making sure they are securely fastened.

"Hi Susan. I see you have a personal dresser."

"Just easier for these to have someone else do it. And he can make sure they are properly done up, I would hate to lose one of these earrings."

Abby frowns slightly, her eyes running over the necklace and down my dress. "I just bet. What are those? Tiffany?"

"No, Cartier." John flips open the last box and adds the bracelet to my wrist.

"Cartier. You have Cartier diamonds?"

"They are on loan, actually." John downplays it smoothly. He nods and tucks the boxes into his overcoat. Anna steps into the lounge behind us, looking lovely in a formal gown.

"Hi Anna. You look lovely." I smile and give her a hug. She seems a bit surprised but she hugs me back.

"Anna, you look beautiful. Ready to go?" John gives her a quick kiss on the cheek and a hug, which she returns much more warmly. Of course, he has been her friend for a long time.

"I just need my coat."

John assists us both with putting on our coats, then we head back through the ER. We are soon in the limo on our way to the opening.

We are the first to arrive, as the hosts of the party. It also gives us a chance to view the exhibit, though John has already seen it. John talks to Sandro, so Anna and I take a glass of champagne and start working our way through. Sandro has outdone himself, the organization and display is wonderful.

Anna takes her time working through, and when she comes to one picture she smiles. "I think this is one of my favourites. It was hung up in Chase's apartment, he was a talented artist."

It is a beautiful piece, whimsical and engaging, I can see why she likes it. I could probably look at it for a long time and never get tired of it either.

"He certainly was."

By now people are starting to arrive. There are a few close friends from County, but most of the people I don't recognize. Rachel Greene appears, I know she has been bugging John to come to this, and Elizabeth shows up a bit later. Rachel looks enchanting in the dress we bought her on our trip, and she seems very engaged in the show. As usual, she attaches herself to John, and they chat easily as he shows her around the exhibit.

He gets pulled away occasionally to talk to people, a lot of them either know or recognize him. Even when we dated way back, I was always a bit taken aback when people came up and talked to him. On the street, in restaurants and even the one day we went to the mall. Now it is even worse, we cannot go anywhere it seems without at least a couple people stopping him to chat. It is very clear that the Carter name is extremely well known around town.

Millicent is there of course, looking elegant as usual. One of the Foundation board members escorts her around so she may see the display. She stops to talk to John briefly, I can see her smile as she puts her hand on his arm. Her pride in both of her grandsons is evident tonight. She does not stay long after she finishes her tour, I see John walk her out and tuck her into the Town Car so Alger may take her home.

There are a few board members from the Foundation, apparently, John greets them by name. They have all been invited for the evening as it is not only a realization of the dream to show Chase's work, but now a cause supported by the Foundation. John has earmarked funds to start up the scholarship, and hopes to add to the funds with a few sales.

I am startled when Jack appears along with another man who bears a bit of a resemblance.

"Susan. How are you?" Jack is unfailingly polite. "This is my brother Roland Carter. Chase was his son."

"Jack, I'm well, nice to see you. Roland, very nice to meet you."

"Dr. Susan Lewis is John's wife of course."

I can feel Roland taking in my attire, from the jewels around my neck right down to the shoes on my feet. He then zeros in on my left hand which I have lightly wrapped around the stem of my champagne glass.

"Lovely ring you have Dr. Lewis." His eyes narrow and he looks over at Jack.

"Thank you Roland, and please call me Susan."

"Just how did you get your hands on it?"

"Pardon?" I am taken aback.

"That ring, how did you get your hands on that ring?" He sounds bitter.

I feel an arm slide around my waist. "Roland, I gave that to Susan, so, if you have issues then you can take it up with me. Later. Not here, it is inappropriate." John is firm and commanding, he promptly steps in and Roland backs down quickly.

"John. I was surprised to get the invitation, that Chase's work was being shown. You are going to sell it? I don't know how you think you have the right to sell my son's artwork."

"Perhaps a few pieces. And we will have prints made by special order for those I don't want to sell the original of."

"Why are you selling them, you don't have enough money? I mean, any proceeds should be coming to his family, being his mother and me."

"As noted in the invitation, the proceeds of any sales are going into a scholarship fund at the Art Institute. I felt that Chase would have liked to support an underprivileged artist. He was so very talented and he never got to show his work. If we sell some of it, and somebody enjoys it on their wall, then that is wonderful. You should walk through and see some of his work. Roland, you didn't want anything to do with his artwork when we cleaned out his apartment, you were going to throw it away. You gave it to me, which means I own it, and I will do what I like."

Roland nods and looks slightly abashed, having been put in his place twice by his nephew. What shocks me is that he doesn't argue with John, who doesn't flinch or show any weakness. He turns and heads off with Jack to view the work.

"Wow, John." I whisper to him.

"What?"

"You put him in his place, twice, in under 5 minutes and he just took it."

He moved close to me and said softly. "Roland is a classic bully, and he always has been. If you look him in the eye and refuse to take it, he backs down really quickly. He knows Gamma gave me that ring, and he will try to get in your face, but he won't get in mine. If he tries it again, tell him where to go and how to get there, and he will back off."

"Ah, I see. This is a great turnout John."

It is getting fairly crowded now, and I am impressed at the number of people who have appeared, despite the chilly fall evening.

"Sandro is well known, people love to see his exhibits, and the Carter name doesn't hurt either." John guides me to the side and we watch everyone mix and mingle.

Jim and Tiffany appear part way through and a while later Ryan and Angie show up as well. They all knew Chase, so it makes sense that John invited them. Sandro pulls John away for a few minutes to talk business and I visit with Tiffany after she makes the rounds.

I have not seen her for a while, so it is great to catch up and we make a coffee date for next week.

Finally things start to wind down and John reappears looking pretty pleased with himself. We stay until the show is over, along with Anna, who has kept herself busy chatting with various people.

Sandro brings 4 flutes of champagne. "To Chase."

We all tap glasses and drink.

John smiles. "We sold several pieces and prints. So…it is was a great success. I think Chase is smiling."

"I am sure he is." I give him a hug. "I am really glad it went well, and we earned some funds for the scholarship."

John helps us with our coats, then Sandro appears with a paper wrapped frame.

"Thanks Sandro." John takes it, then holds it out to Anna. "This is for you. Chase would have wanted you to have it."

Anna holds her hand to mouth. "John, I can't."

"Yes, you can. I want you to have it, Anna, please take it. You know, you inspired this, remember our talk?"

I can see a tear slip down her cheek, then she gives John a warm hug.

"Thank you John. Should I?" She gestures to the picture, wondering whether to unwrap it.

"No, keep it wrapped until you get home, it will travel better. Or if you need I will ship it out to you."

"No, I can put it in my bag, it will fit."

We drive Anna to her hotel and I wait for a few minutes while John walks her in. We are soon on our way back to the house. I lean up against John, he slides an arm around me.

"That was sweet, John, which one did you give her?"

"Her favourite one of course. There was one in his apartment she always admired, so we took a print, but she gets to have the signed original."

"She is so going to cry when she sees it."

John gives me a kiss. "I know. She liked Chase a lot, and to be honest, something she said inspired me to do the show, so…she deserves an original Chase Carter. I was really happy how things went tonight, we made some serious money for the scholarship and Roland got to see how talented his son really was. Vindication for Chase in some ways, the family never appreciated him."

"What was with Roland and my ring?"

"Oh, well. He and Jack both know where it came from. It's an heirloom ring, and as you know it's extremely valuable. He is not happy that Gamma gave it to me. I am sure he would have liked to have it himself, but Gamma decided she wanted me to give it to the woman I wanted to marry. Or she hoped I would, anyways."

"And you did, and I love it. Sometime down the road, it can be passed down to one of our grandchildren."

"I hope so."

We have a bit of a ride back out to the mansion, and it has been a great evening. I reach up and hit the button to close the privacy glass. Then I slide off my car coat.

John is watching me and gets a little grin on his face. His arm snakes around my waist and he pulls me into his lap.

"Have I told you how amazing and sexy you looked tonight?" He buries his head against my neck and nibbles lightly, then he runs his lips along my jawline and nibbles very gently on my earlobe.

"Have I told you how amazing and sexy _you_ looked tonight? Chuny almost jumped you at the hospital."

John laughs. "Like that would ever really happen."

"Yeah, your right, but I almost had my way with you in an exam room."

"That would be a dream come true."

"How about a limo? We could re-enact our little Italian car scene."

I turn and straddle him, giving him a very deep kiss. I can feel his hands cup my breasts through my dress, brushing his thumbs across them.

"I could be talked into it." He murmurs as I caress the back of his neck and help him take off his coat. His hands are warm as they slide up under my dress, running up the outside of my thighs, hiking up my dress.

This time it is much easier to get off my panties, we have a lot more room. I make sure he doesn't just toss them either, I don't want to be fumbling around the floor for my lacy thong while the driver waits. We take off his tuxedo jacket, which gets tossed onto the opposite seat.

His lips claim mine in a very passionate kiss, it is getting a bit steamy back here. I start to work at his pants and manage to them undone, and get him free of his boxers. His hand is up my dress, doing delicious things to my body, then he maneuvers us so I am on my back across the seat and he settles himself between my thighs.

I curl my legs around his waist as we become one, and it my turn to just enjoy. The brush of his fingers through my hair, his breath warm wisps against my neck, coming faster as we pick up the pace. My hand finds it's way up to tease and stroke the soft hair a the nape of his neck while the other wanders up his shirt which has become untucked. Then down over that gorgeous tight butt, and back up his over his hot smooth skin, I love to feel him moving above me.

At some point I realize my nails are now digging into his back and he presses his lips to mine, nibbling on my bottom lip as he slows things down.

"Shhh, baby…getting a little loud." He doesn't object to my claws in his skin, just that I am getting a little lost in the throes of passion.

I giggle with a soft "sorry, baby" and I bury my head against his neck as we get to a spectacular finish, trying to muffle myself by biting the collar of his shirt. I keep my arms around him as we both catch our breath, we are panting like we just ran a marathon.

"Oh baby. I think we need to have these little…quickies more often." I breathe into his ear.

"I think so too, that was so, so good." He finally takes in a deep breath and moves away, we start the task of straightening ourselves up. I look out the window and know we are only a few minutes from home. John cracks the window slightly. "A little hot in here. We steamed up the windows." He gives me a wicked little smile.

By the time we pull in the driveway, we are both fully dressed and have our coats back on. The driver is perfectly straight-faced as he opens the door and John slides out, giving me his hand. I slide out after him, John thanks the driver and we go into the house. It is very late, so all is quiet.

John helps me out of my coat and Henry the night butler appears, taking both our coats and leaving quickly to hang them. John and I go up to our room after brief stops to check up on the kids who are all fast asleep.

"Do you think the limo driver knew what we were doing back there?" I turn so John can unzip my dress. He pushes my hair aside and gently kisses and nuzzles the back of my neck.

"Ahhhh, maybe? You were a little loud there at one point. But seriously, I am sure we are not the first couple to share a little loving in the back of his limo." He takes his tie out of his pocket, then shrugs out of the jacket and hangs it, before starting to undo his shirt.

"I couldn't tell, he was so straight faced when he opened the door." I undo my bra and slide on one of Johns oversized shirts, I still love to sleep in them.

"I would not worry about it. Hey, another one off the bucket list, sex in the back of a limo." His pants are off now and over the hanger.

"So you haven't ever in the back of a limo before?  Even though it was your first car?"  I teased.

He gives me one of those looks.  Damn, he has 'shared a little loving' in a limo.

"Who was it?"  He frowns at me.  "Oh come on, who, John, I can tell by the look on your face you've done it before."

"Susan, you seriously do not want me to answer that question."  The shake of his head and the look on his face makes me think I should change the subject.

"We still haven't managed the kitchen floor." I improvise.

"We have done the stables and the pool house though. Do you _want_ to have sex on the kitchen floor?" His eyebrow goes up, I know he will, if I ask him. We have very few hard limits or boundaries when it comes to sex.

"Mm, nah. The tile is probably really cold."

"Nope, in floor heating. But still it would not be that comfortable."

"I kind of like making out in the stable, which is one of my favourite places." John is helping me take off the jewellery I was wearing and he puts each piece in their respective boxes. He tucks them in our room safe which is neatly hidden in the closet. The staff is really trustworthy but those are worth way too much to leave lying around.

He comes out of the walk in closet and opens one of his drawers. His watch comes off and goes in the jewellery organizer.

"Really…well…do you…want to change and go for a walk? We could raid the kitchen first? Neither of us has to work until tomorrow night."

"I like the way you think, Dr. Carter."

We both pull on some comfortable clothes, grab a couple blankets, then go down to the kitchen. John snags a bottle of wine, two glasses and he comes up with some cheese, bread, grapes and a few other snack items. He tucks it all into a picnic basket that is in the pantry. We both slide on warm coats and head out the door.

"OH, chilly out here." I shiver slightly.

John wraps one of the blankets around my shoulders. "The barn will be warm."

His arm snakes around my waist and we walk companionably the rest of the way. He is right, the barn is actually quite warm. There is a heating system for when we get the cold snaps and it has a thermostat that is always set to keep it from dropping too low in temperature to keep the water lines from freezing. That along with all the warm horse bodies in there, it is pleasant.

We both remove our coats and sling them over one of the hay bales.

John checks the thermostat and turns it up a couple of degrees. We take one of the blankets from the tack room and spread it out, both settling down as John pops the cork from the bottle. It is romantic, the two of us playfully bantering and teasing each other, enjoying our impromptu picnic.

John doesn't usually drink much, but he does share the bottle of wine with me. Once we are done eating, we pack everything back up. He tucks the basket out of the way, and then we lay out the blanket we used for our picnic over a soft bed of straw, then one of the blankets from the house on top. We both lay down and John flips the second blanket from the house over us.

We lay talking for a while, which turns into us necking like teenagers. He pulls me into his arms as it becomes more passionate, and we gradually undress each other. The loving in the limo was energetic, hot and passionate, this time is leisurely, like we have all the time in the world to explore, taste, and cherish each other.

I love the feel of his naked body against mine, his lips brushing against my skin, leaving a fiery trail as his hands run up and down my body. He finally takes possession of me, and I gasp in pleasure. My fingertips trail down his warm smooth back and I wrap one hand up into his hair as our tongues and bodies dance together. I don't hold back, no need to be quiet where there is no one to hear us.

There is something incredibly calming and sensual about making love in the stables. The gentle sound of soft blowing and restless feet makes me relax. The occasional soft nicker and the warm horse smell permeates the air, and it is like we have disappeared into our own universe. It is amazing and incredible, this time that I treasure, being alone with my husband, so intimately connected.

It feels like we go on forever, both vocalizing how incredible this feels, before the sensation starts to creep up from my toes. Once it starts it becomes like a gale force wind, wild and unstoppable, and I cry out. My toes curl involuntarily and my thighs tighten, trying in vain to pull him closer, though in fact we are locked together so closely it is impossible. I know his own release is sweeping over him as the low groan escapes his lips, his movements are slightly erratic as he loses control. We cling together, our breath coming in short, halting gasps

I cuddle close to him as we both catch our breaths. "Oh John." I whisper against his hair. "Oh baby, I love you so much." I can't even voice how intense my feelings are at this moment.

"I love you too." His voice is muffled against my skin, his head buried against me, our bodies still entwined. He seems unable to move, I can feel his body quivering, and I know it has been earth shattering for both of us.

We stay entangled for some time, before we do it all over, murmuring sweet words to each other as the world crashes in again. I have lost all track of time and space, as we share our love for each other. Finally we are both sated and physically exhausted.

I don't really want to move, but John finally sighs.

"We should probably go back to the house. We both need some proper sleep for work tomorrow."

I can tell he is having trouble getting his limbs to respond, but we both need to be in the comfort of our bed tonight. It is simply too chilly to spend the night out here, no matter how wonderful our interlude was.

"I suppose so." I regretfully sit up, clutching the blanket over me, though it is warm in the barn, my exposed skin still gets goosebumps as the cooler air touches it.

John hands me my clothes and then finds his own and we both wiggle back into them trying to stay under the cover of the warm blanket. We put our coats back on, then he wraps the top blanket around me, slings the other one over his arm and grabs the basket.

We get back to the house in record time, it is frosty out, fall has hit and we both are happy to be back inside. Back in our room, we shuck off our clothes and crawl into the comfort of our bed.

"That was amazing, John." I stroke his cheek with my fingertips. "Much better than the kitchen floor any day of the week."

"Back at you baby. Kind of our own private getaway, without even going anywhere."


	66. Chapter 66

I am a bit tired tonight at work, last night was busy with the opening of Chase's art show. Then of course the hours of loving my wife. The thought of which brings a grin to my face as I think about our little tryst in the limo and our time in the stables.

We seem to suddenly have a bucket list of places where we must have sex. Not that I am against it, nope, not at all. It makes it a bit interesting, not knowing when the mood will strike us and simply taking advantage of the situation.

The only awkward moment came when she realized that the limo was off my bucket list long ago.  Then she had to ask who...what the hell?  What was I supposed to say to that, any answer I gave would just get me in trouble.  The first girl I christened a limo with was Tiffany after prom, no way was I telling her that bit of information.  Or that its happened a couple other times too, with other women, because then it just sounds bad.

I can see Peter give me a knowing grin as we scrub for surgery.

"You are looking rather pleased with yourself, Carter. Good night with the Mrs.? Maybe a visit to the… _jazz club_?"

I laugh out loud at that comment. I remember the conversation we had when he was first dating Cleo, and I had to say 'we all know what happens after the jazz club.' Maybe it was the pain medication or something, but it just slipped out so easily. Now it seems to be our euphemism for a night of romance with our respective ladies.

"Something like that. Married life can be pretty damn good sometimes…you know?"

Peter nods in agreement. "That it can, Carter. There were times when I never thought I would see you settle down, you seemed to have quite the string of ladies for a while."

"Well, it takes time, but when you find the right one, you don't let her go quite that easily. And I really think I have the right one. Hey, you found it long before I did, with Cleo. And you have had your own string of ladies."

"I can't deny it, I was searching for the right person, just as you were. It is good to see you happy, you haven't always been, even lately."

"Even with the right person, a relationship still takes work. Susan and I had our moments, some bumps in the road, but it all made our marriage stronger. I feel like…we have both grown a lot in the last year or two, getting past the 30 mark and having kids and a wife, it tends to force you to grow up, realize you are not a kid anymore. That the luxury of acting like one is no longer there."

"Hum, well, we never had that luxury with our work, but I get what you mean. Being a father really changed my perspective on a lot of things…as did you."

"Me? How so?" I am thrown off by this admission.

"You drove me crazy when you were my med student, you know that? You and I are polar opposites, but also so incredibly similar it is unnerving. I was very nose to the grindstone, carrying a chip on my shoulder to some extent. I had to work hard to prove myself…and I know you did too, just for very different reasons. So I taught you to be the analytical and thorough doctor, to the best of my ability. And you…you taught me the human side of medicine."

"Really." To say I am surprised by this is an understatement. Peter can tell by my tone of voice.

"Yeah, Carter, absolutely. You have a bedside manner and an ability to connect with the patients, even with people in general that I am not sure I will completely master. But, I have learned a lot, and think I am far better as a doctor and a person now, and I have to thank you for that. You know what the absolute worst day of being a doctor was for me?"

"No, I don't."

"The day you and Lucy were stabbed. It hit me that day, I brushed you off a lot, but I found that…I really cared about you, you had become a friend and a valued colleague. I found myself wishing that I had not been so dismissive, that my perception was skewed, because I was so focused on the big prize, that title of surgeon. I was very worried about you, and I did everything in my power to make sure we got you through it. Of course, Aunspaugh was the glue that held it together, I give that man credit, he is one cool cookie in the OR. I often wonder if maybe I could be even better today if I had not let the chip on my shoulder get in the way."

"Wow, so, we both share the worst day. And I find that I completely understand what you mean, because I have similar regrets about my relationship with Lucy, and I will never have the chance to fix it. There are a lot of things I wish I could tell her. She would have been really great, but I am competitive and I don't always listen, I let my own 'chips' get in the way. I felt intensely guilty for her death, for the longest time, and I will always know I played a part. But, I also know she wouldn't want me stop living, it took a long time for me to see that too."

"No, she wouldn't, and I don't think she would have blamed you either. She was a lot like you, you know? She was intelligent, inquisitive, driven, headstrong and damn annoying at times, it was a bit like having you back under my tutelage when she did her surgical rotation, although she didn't show the same flair in the OR as you did. I can see why you two butted head constantly, she was just like you when it came to pushing her point."

"You must have loved that."

"Ah, you know? It wasn't so bad, because by the time I had her as a student, you had broken me in somewhat, so I didn't let her get me going like you did. And you know, Carter, a lot of the times you really pushed me, you were right. I was probably nicer to her than I was to you a lot of the time, but I guess I also for some reason knew you could take it. You were tougher than you seemed, and you picked things up incredibly fast. So, I will deny this categorically, but you are my all-time favourite student. I'm proud of you Carter."

"Well, I take that as a huge compliment. And I should thank you for keeping me in line, and being a demanding yet excellent teacher. It is a fine balance, pushing a student just enough to get the best out of them without defeating them. There were a few times I came close to having had enough, but it means a lot to hear you say that. I mean it, I respect you as a teacher, a surgeon and a friend."

It is so odd, to have so many people in my life suddenly telling me that they are proud of me, of what I've accomplished. And not just anybody, but people I truly respect and admire, ones that don't give praise lightly, so I know they mean it, it is not just meaningless fluff.

I can hear Peter clear his throat, and I am pretty sure I have gotten to him, as much as his praise has gotten to me. "Thanks man, always good to hear. Now, let's quit being so maudlin and crush this."

I give a nod, and we both push through to the OR. No fist bumps or anything further, we have just both spent the last 5 minutes sanitizing our hands for surgery. The surgical nurses wrap us up in gowns, masks and gloves and we begin. I am running lead today, and am pleased with the perfect, smooth incision and how we work in harmony with a few concise words.

As we close up, Peter watches me smoothly run the sutures, I can almost do them hanging upside down and blindfolded. In reality, I can do them one handed with the utmost perfection, a hard won skill that took literally hours of practice as a med student and fledgling surgical intern.

"Those are damn perfect, Dr. Carter. Where did you learn that awesome technique?" Rosen has scrubbed in and appeared in the OR.

"Oh, you know, I had this very grouchy and demanding resident my first three years at County. I swear I sutured half of Chicago in that ER, I think I could do them blindfolded."

I give a quick glance at Peter and he has a bit of a twinkle in his eye as he shakes his head and laughs.

"Ah, ummm, wasn't Dr. Benton your resident?" I can almost see the wheels turning as Rosen frowns at me.

"Why yes, yes he was. Seriously though, he was an excellent teacher, and I learned some impressive surgical skills that came in very handy during my stint in Emergency Medicine. More than one patient lived to tell their tale because of what Peter taught me."

"Very good. Your patient is going to be relieved to see what a fine job you did on that incision and suturing, the scarring should be minimal. Well, you two have done a fine job in here, I think that I should leave you to finish up and see what is going on next door."

We finish up and send the patient off to recovery, assigning one of our residents to sit and monitor them until they were up, with instructions to page us if any complications arose.

Peter moves off to another surgery and I answer a page for a consult in the ER.

"John, I am glad you are here. Can you do a couple of chest tubes?" Susan is working furiously on a patient, her hands steady as she guides one of the 1st year Residents through a difficult intubation.

"I can't get it." The resident is starting to panic and I shoot a look at Susan, she is lead and I wait to hear her instructions as I smoothly tube the patient and get some blood leaking out. I neatly dodged it and it misses my shoes. Another valuable skill, how to quickly get out of the way. I learned that one my first year, and I can almost always avoid being puked on.

I remember one day being out with Jim, and I could see the look in Riley's eyes, and knew it was coming. I had trash can under the little boy and dodged the vomit before anyone could blink. Jim was quite impressed with my reflexes.

"Okay, I will give it a try. Can you get me a bubble John?" The resident is watching us, and I show him where to press, instructing as I assist Susan.

I press gently and Susan gets the tube in quickly.

"Blood in the Foley." The nurse holds up the bag and I see it is quite pinkish.

The monitors start to beep like crazy and Susan and I look at each other. "Tampenaud?"

She nods, and requests the correct gauge of needle. "It sounds like the car was pretty crushed."

"Call the OR, and book us a room, as soon as we get this guy stable, he needs to go up." I instruct the nurse as I watch as she pulls fluid out from around the heart while still talking to the student and the monitors settle down. "Let's go."

I flip up the rails and we rush him towards the elevator. Susan is a little bit of a rock star herself, she is a terrific doctor and a great teacher. I have to say I am proud of her, she has jumped right back in to trauma work without even blinking.

"Thanks John."

"You barely needed me baby, great job." I wink at her as the doors close and I am on my way upstairs again. The transport nurse is giving me a look like she thinks I am some sort of chauvinist pig for calling another doctor 'baby'. I think she is new and has no idea of our relationship. "She's my wife."

"Ahhh. I thought it was just a sexual harassment suit in the making, that you were some sort of misogynistic pig. Most ER docs don't like being called _baby_ by the surgeons. The department rivalry and all."

"No, no, I suppose they don't, and I wouldn't generally talk like that, but pretty much everyone in the ER and surgery knows we are married. I don't guard how I talk to her sometimes and maybe I should, didn't mean to give the wrong impression. I actually respect her greatly, she is an amazing doctor, and a wonderful person in general."

I can see her smile. "No, I get it, as long as you don't go around talking to women like that generally. I think it's kind of cute, now that I know the relationship I can see that you love her."

"That I do, she's a special woman. And I moonlight as both ER doc and surgeon, I'm double boarding. We really try to work as a team, avoiding the rivalry and pissing matches over patients."

The elevator doors roll open and we wheel the patient out. I let the nurse take him into the prep room and I go to scrub.

Several more hours in the OR, with Rosen supervising this time, and I am exhausted.

"Good job, Dr. Carter."

My shift was over at least an hour ago and I drag myself back to my office. Susan is stretched out on my couch, sleeping. She looks comfortable, I keep a pillow and a blanket in my office in case I need to catch a nap, and she knows where to find them.

"Hey." I give her a kiss and a little shake. "Sleeping beauty. Time to get up and go home."

She groans and sleepily opens her eyes. "Hey yourself. How did it go?"

"He will survive, contused liver, had to remove his spleen and do a few other repairs but he is in recovery. I handed him off, and we can go home."

"I hate nights. Remind me again why I am working?"

"Because you love being a doctor? You would miss the sounds and tantalizing smells of the ER?"

"Ah, right, of course. At least I know this doctor who will let me borrow his couch in return for sexual favours."

"Mm, remind me to collect later."

"I need to…remind you?" She tries to sound offended, but the corners of her mouth turn up slightly and she has a sparkle in her green eyes.

We get our coats and I retrieve my wallet and keys from my locked desk.

We have fallen into a routine, now we are used to Susan being back at work, it isn't so bad. We spend as much time with the kids as we possibly can, with Louisa filling in the gaps.

When I am off work, Gamma and I go over much of the dealings of the Foundation and I join my first Board meeting…as an observer only, I say nothing, but just listen. There are some curious looks from some of the board members, they know who I am but Gamma only says I am observing, not going into any detail.

My dad is mercifully absent, so I do not have to endure his questions, which is a welcome respite, the calm before the storm. I am starting to feel the task is manageable, I watch how my grandmother rules the room, commanding respect from the Board, which consists of men, the mavens of Chicago business and high society. I note that perhaps when my turn comes, it might be time to bring a few women onto the board, and there are certainly plenty of successful and intelligent women in the business world who could bring a little heart into the group.

I am slightly shocked that my grandmother has never done this, she is the perfect example of a strong no nonsense woman. Who said that the 'fairer sex' has no head for business, Gamma and many others prove this incorrect on a daily basis. I know that a lot of the members will have to be replaced at some point in the not too distant future, it is kind of an old boys club in a lot of ways.

She has been very clear though, I am to run thing my way, and she will accept any changes I chose to make as I take the helm. She is astute, and she knows that I will support some causes that might not fly so well with the board, but at the end of the day, I have the final say. I can veto, and I can unilaterally approve ventures, the advantage of being a private Foundation, having the last name Carter is the trump card. The board primarily ensures the money is not mismanaged, and helps review some of the causes, but I can choose to support good ones as needed without asking permission.

Christmas draws closer, and we celebrate the birthday of our twins. It is hard to believe they are already a year old. They continue to grow, develop and delight us with their sweetness and antics. Our girls are growing quickly as well, and provide great joy to everyone in the house as Christmas approaches. Gamma is particularly nostalgic this year, and I treasure the moments as she interacts with each of the children.

Susie is no exception, Gamma has accepted her into her heart as a true Carter, which further proves family is not just about blood. Susie is coming out of her shell, she is becoming stronger and more confident, and I notice. I love that we have been a part of that, giving her a secure and happy home to allow her to blossom. She is sweet and loving, I think Susan has had a huge influence on her over the years.

Brooklynn is much like me and always has been, though maybe tempered a bit with her mother's calm manner. Probably a good thing, having that softer side from her mother. I am not looking forward to the teenage years, which will come in waves, with the girls just edging out of those turbulent years as the twins begin. The age gap is daunting some days.

Jack has decided to join us for Christmas, though he still refuses to stay in the house. This year there will be no Cookie or Henry, sadly Susan's relationship with her parents has deteriorated over the whole Chloe fiasco. I do learn though that Henry secretly met with her at a pub not far from the hospital to give her gifts for the family and wish her a Merry Christmas. He does not have the strength to stand up to Cookie, but at least he has not forgotten his daughter or his grandchildren.

Chloe is finishing her stint at rehab, but she has a bit of time to serve. She plead guilty, which was a relief, it means we do not have to drag Susie into court and reopen the wounds inflicted upon her.

Susan, the lovely caring woman that she is, has put together a care package for Chloe and is driving up to the penitentiary to deliver it for her. I offered to go with her, but she insisted she was fine to do it herself. And I know she is, she is a strong and determined woman, who needs no hand holding.

She included a special piece of artwork Susie did especially for Chloe, along with some current pictures of her. She, Susie and Brooklynn went shopping and bought a few small clothing items and spent time in the kitchen baking her some treats. Susie of course remembers Chloe pretty well, and we have spent time explaining to her about why Chloe does the things she does.

Susie of course was confused initially, but now she knows that Chloe does love her, she is just not always able to show it appropriately. We don't think it would be right to take Susie to a prison to visit her mother, so we have allowed her to write a letter for now. As time goes on, we may allow some phone calls too, but we will see how the recovery progresses.

I know Susan has a good heart, and she is not willing to give up on her sister. They have a strong bond, and I truly hope that it will allow Chloe to get well one day. Though she can never take her daughter, maybe someday she can forge a relationship with her.

It is only a few days before Christmas, when I hear a bit of a commotion at the door. I am working in the study, going over some Foundation paperwork.

"Sir. Your sister has arrived."

My head pops up at this. Barbara? I stand just as she appears behind Alger.

"John! I hope you don't mind, but I thought I would come to Chicago for Christmas." She is bright and cheery, but I see a hint of pain hidden behind the exterior. One thing my own experiences have taught me, both personally and in the ER, is to spot inconsistency. It comes in handy, though some people are such accomplished liars that it is impossible to see.

"Barbie. It's good to see you." I give her a warm hug. "Alger? Could you take her things up to one of the guest rooms? I suppose you know which one is best?"

"Yes sir. I will put her in the Franklin room." Barbie and I both know where this is located, so she will find it easily later.

"Can I get you anything? Maybe we could go make some tea or coffee, and snag some of Corinne's fabulous baking." We go into the kitchen which at the moment is vacant. I can smell something delicious, though, and I know Corinne has dinner in the oven.

"Tea would be lovely John." She sits at the granite counter top and sighs. I put on the kettle and pull out some cups, then uncover the tray of goodies that Corinne has ready on the counter.

Barbie smiles, and selects one of her favourites, a gingersnap.

"These are just as good as I remember." She nibbles at the crisp cookie as I set the hot tea out for her.

"So, what brings you all the way to Chicago? How long were you planning to stay?"

"Oh, um, I wanted to see my little brother and his lovely family. And just until Boxing Day. Then I should go home."

"Is…Philippe here?"

"No, no, he's… somewhere in Italy at the moment." I can see a tear trickle down her face.

"Barbie? What's going on?" I settle onto the stool beside her and turn, taking her hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"Ah, I…John, I left him. It got to be too much, you know? He was never home, and it was embarrassing, he was always flaunting his floozies and I can't do it anymore. So, I filed for divorce."

"Oh Barbie, I'm sorry." I slide an arm around her shoulders and pull her in for a hug. I can feel her arm snake around my waist and she erupts into full blown tears.

Susan appears at this moment and stops dead still in the doorway, taking in the scene. Her eyebrows dart up and I can see her mouth 'what it going on?'. I shake my head slightly and rub Barbie's back until her tears abate, then hand her a couple of tissues. Susan has backed quietly out of the room and is reining in the exuberant children who have just come back from a Christmas party at one of their school mate's houses.

"Oh John, look at your shirt." Barbie is aghast as she sees the smear of tears and mascara she has left on my shoulder.

"Never mind Barbie, it's just a shirt. I'll go change in a few minutes." I shake my head. "So you left for good?"

"Yes. I mean, not Paris, all my friends are there, and it's home, but…do you mind terribly if I stay for the holidays?"

"Not at all, we have plenty of room and you know Corinne, she cooks enough to feed an army."

Barbie appears relieved. "I…think I should freshen up, and you need to change."

"I'll walk you upstairs, and then we can meet in the study if you want to talk a bit more."

"I think what I would really like is to visit with Susan and my nieces and my little nephew. There will be plenty of time for sad talk later."

"Absolutely." I will let her tell me in her own time, but I am proud of her, she has broken free from the womanizing jerk.

I barely make it to our room, stripping off my shirt, when Susan is there, softly shutting our door.

"Barbie is here?"

"Yup. She left Philippe, so an extra person for Christmas? I told her she could stay"

"Of course, she's your sister, family, she's always welcome."

"We will need to get her a couple things to open? We haven't exchanged gifts for a long time, but since she's here?"

"We can take care of that tomorrow maybe, go into town a bit early before our shifts."

"How did it go with Chloe?"

Susan drove out this morning to drop off her package.

"Good as to be expected. She is…much more subdued than usual, being incarcerated has taken a bit of the bravado out of her. But she is keeping clean, they are randomly drug testing her, I know she's in prison but things still slip in through the cracks. She loved the care package, she cried when she saw the pictures and the artwork Susie did for her."

"I'm glad she liked it, it was a great thing you did, thinking of her."

"I always think about her John. She's my sister, and I love her despite her many faults. What she did to Susie was the drugs and alcohol talking,"

"I know, baby, I know. Believe me, I understand that statement a little too well." I feel a twinge of…shame I guess, thinking about how I was when I was using. Putting patients at risk, being belligerent and snapping at Deb, at all my friends really.

"I know, John, sorry, I guess I'm a bit touchy today. Seeing her in…that _place_ you know? I never thought I would see my sister in prison. Minimum security, but still, it's prison."

I give her a hug and rub her back, I know it has been a tough day for her. "I think Barbie has the right idea. We should get dressed and take the kids outside and…build a snowman, or go sledding or something."

"Go tree hunting."

"Yeah, we should track down the Carter family tree."

We bundle everyone up warmly, which seems to take forever. Susan loans Barbie some ski pants, hat and gloves and everyone trudges into the woods. The girls are excited, last year it was somber with Joe being in the hospital, this year they are joyful. The twins are ensconced on the sled, the snow being too much for their little legs quite yet. Barbie and Susan take turns pulling them as I manage the two older girls. We finally find the perfect tree, Susie having spotted it, and Brooklynn having examined it and proclaimed it perfect.

We cut it down, which take an inordinately long time, as I carefully let the girls assist with a few small swing each and we are finally dragging it back to the house. Alger takes charge of setting it up in the stand and we all build a snowman, the twins happily toddling and crawling around in the snow and generally getting in the way with their uncoordinated movements.

We are all bright eyed and flushed from the cold once we get in the house, Corinne quickly offers up hot chocolate, tea and coffee, along with a plate of snacks.

Millicent joins us, pleasantly surprised at the addition to the family party. We have a rambunctious dinnertime with lots of joking and teasing, especially between myself and Barbie. Afterwards we all decorate the tree which has warmed up enough to string the lights, and apply the many ornaments that have appeared from the attic.

Christmas passes with a flurry of long shifts at the hospital, hours of fun in the snow, many, many gifts. Everyone has been showered with presents and spoiled beyond belief, but it has been one of the best Christmases for a while. Jack even cracks a few smiles, and spends some time with the grand kids before he jets off.

Barbie stays for a couple days after Christmas, then she too is ready to go home. We have said little about Philippe, and I don't push, after all it is not truly my business to know unless she tells me.

I choose to drive her to the airport, and we have a few quiet minutes.

"John, thank you."

"For what?"

"For, just opening your home to me, and making me feel so welcome."

"You are always welcome Barbie, you should know that."

"I know…it's just that we usually end up arguing about something and this visit was so perfect. I feel like I have my little brother back, that we can talk and just enjoy each others company."

"It was rather perfect. I had a lot of fun, I'm glad you came."

"Me too. Thanks for not pushing…or saying I told you so about the whole Philippe thing."

"You don't need to thank me. Just know that if you ever need to talk about it, you know where we live, and I am only a phone call away. It is difficult, I am sure…I have been through enough breakups to know it is not always so simple."

"You've got that right. Thanks, I will call when I am ready to talk more about it, but this was really great, to get away and not have to think about it for a while. And your family John, they are really lovely."

"Thanks Barbie, they make everything worthwhile. I wish…you'd had that."

"And maybe I will. I am going to get back out there and find someone."

We hug and say goodbye, this is the best visit we've had in a long time. She has stopped with the whole thing when I was a kid, and she has recognized that her husband is not worth her time. I feel that we have grown closer again, just marginally, but I hope it continues.

She turns and gives a little wave before she disappears through the security gate. I really hope she finds some happiness.

New Years comes and goes, Susan and I go to a New Years Party downtown with Jim and Tiffany, and Ryan and Angie. It is a very good time, and we all let loose a little bit. Susan definitely has a few too many drinks, but we have wisely booked rooms at the Langham for the night.

I swear this has become our favourite hotel in all of Chicago, and we often seem to get the same suite.

At the countdown we share a long deep kiss, taking a while to come up for air.

"I love you Susan."

"Back at you baby." She gives me another long kiss before pulling me back out on the very crowded dance floor. There is barely even room to twitch let alone move, but Susan is having a grand time, so I go along with it.

An hour later I know it is time to head back to our room. She has barely kept her hands to herself, and I am so ready to get that sexy dress off of her. We wave goodnight to the rest of our party and I pull her out of the ballroom. We make a few stops along the way to kiss each other, and the scene in the elevator is positively R rated.

We are barely in the room before clothes start to fly, and we make it only as far as the couch. The extra 20 or so feet to the bedroom is just too far to consider at this moment.

We do finally make it to the bed, and we spend the next couple hours in a hot and crazy haze before passing out from exhaustion. I am infinitely glad that we do not work again until January 3rd, I think it might take that long to get out of bed.

I wake up with my head pounding, but at least I don't feel as bad as my wife. I can hear her retching, then the flush of the toilet. She doesn't reappear right away, so I go and check on her just as she starts to vomit again.

"Oh baby. Are you alright?"

This rather silly question gets me an intense and angry glare.

"Do I look all right to you?" She mutters angrily, then a look of alarm crosses her face as she is over the toilet again.

I have seen far worse in the ER, so I brush her hair back, and then go get a bottle of water from the fridge. I crack the bottle and take a quick swig before handing it to her. She rinses her mouth then takes a few ginger sips before she is back over the toilet. I notice she is scantily clad and shivering, I find her a sweatshirt and some sweatpants and help her into them.

I gently wipe her face with a warm washcloth.

"Ready to go back to bed?"

"Yes." She moans and I scoop her up and tuck her back in. I locate some pain relief and tip out a couple tablets to help her aching head, then I lay down with her.

I think we both sleep for a couple more hours before I hear pounding on the door. Susan is comatose, she doesn't even flinch.

I pull on some pants and answer. Jim gives me a look up and down and smirks.

"You look like hell, buddy. I was going for coffee and some breakfast? Everyone else is too hung over to move."

"Susan is rough too, but she's sleeping. Come in and give me 5 for a quick shower and I'll join you. I'd order in but I bet the smell would send her back to the bathroom."

Jim comes in and I quickly scoop up a bit of the errant clothing littering the room. Jim raises an eyebrow, and I know what he's thinking. And he would be right. A few minutes later and I am showered and read to go.

I leave a note for Susan on my pillow and take my cell phone, wallet and card key, who knows how long she'll sleep.

I make it back to the room a couple hours later and she is awake, but not feeling the greatest.

"Can we go home?" She whispers.

"Sure, I'll gather up our stuff and we can go whenever you like."

"I'm sorry, we should be still...having fun but I feel like crap."

"Don't worry honey, not like you do this all that often."

Susan is rough for the next couple days, it appears it was not really the drinking, but the fact that she seemed to have picked up a flu bug. Luckily I'm off so I spoil her and make sure she has everything she needs so she is ready to go back to work on the 3rd.

The next week is uneventful, the girls go back to school and we slide back into the work routine.

It has been a crazy busy day, and I am in surgery with Peter when the call comes.

"Dr. Carter, phone for you."

"I am a bit busy, you need to take a message."

"It's urgent Dr. Carter. Someone named Corinne, says she works for your grandmother and it's important."

I look over at Peter, and I can feel the dread coursing through my body.

"Go, Carter, take the call, it sounds important."

I strip off my gloves and mask, and step out to take the call. "Corinne, what's going on."

"Dr. Carter, you need to come home." I know she is crying.

"What's wrong?"

"Your grandmother. She…didn't wake up from her nap."

I lean my head against the wall, trying not to cry. I knew this day would come, but now?

"Dr. Carter, are you there?"

"I'm here. Did you call her physician?"

"He's on his way,"

"Okay, Corinne, I'll be there as soon as I can." I hang up the phone and slide down the wall, dropping my head onto my forearms. I sit there for a while, until I know someone is standing over me.

"You okay man?" Peter squats down in front of me.

I shake my head. "My grandmother died."

"The one you live with?"

"Uh huh. I need to go home, her doctor is on the way to the house."

"You go, and let me know if you need anything." Peter rubs the back of my neck, he is a bit like my big brother sometimes, and he knows this is very hard for me. Gamma was pretty much the only one in my family that I felt gave a damn about me. My parents never have, Chase is gone, and I am not close with anyone else. Barbara and I are mending our relationship, but it's not perfect.

Susan, I really need to talk to Susan.

I get back to my office and pick up the phone, calling her cell.

"Hi honey, Tiffany and I are just out shopping. How's work."

"Susan, can you come home. Please." I can hear the waver in my voice, I am trying to keep things under control, and failing.

"John, what's wrong? You sound upset."

"Gamma…died."

"What! When?"

"Corinne just called me here, she didn't wake up from her nap this afternoon. I really need you to come home."

"Oh baby, I am so sorry. I will be there as quick as I can."

"Thank you. I love you."

"I love you too. I'll see you soon, okay?"

I hang up the phone and dial my dad's cell phone. The conversation is short and to the point. He is in Boston and will catch the next available flight. He makes me promise to try and call mom, that she should at least be invited, though we know she probably won't come.

I try to call my mother. I leave a message on the last contact numbers I have for her, and hope she will call me back. Who knows, she hasn't yet.

The next couple hours go by in a blur. I go home to find the funeral home has not been by yet, so I go up and sit by her bed for a few minutes. She looks so peaceful, like she is going to wake up any moment. I let myself cry, grateful that I spent the time with her over the last few months. I feel arms go around me, and I lean into Susan, happy she is home. Happy that I don't have to do this all alone.

I finally go downstairs, and fortunately the funeral home is arriving and I direct them upstairs. I have had Louisa take the twins out of the house and she is taking Brooklynn and Susie out for a while after school, so this part can be done before they get home.

Tiffany arrives shortly after and gives me a long warm hug. She is going to help make some of the arrangements, Susan and Louisa will take care of the kids.

Alger has gone to pick up my dad if he has managed to make it on time. Tiffany helps me make some calls, we let Gamma's friends know and I call her attorney.

Louisa comes back with the kids and they notice something is wrong, but I send the girls up to go riding with Frank. I want to keep things normal so they can get a good sleep then tomorrow they can stay home and we will break the news.

Susan is never far away from me. She knows how difficult this is, and she is so sweet and loving, so supportive. She dropped everything and came home to me as soon as I needed her, and I love her for it.

My dad is another matter. He doesn't arrive until the next morning and he is uptight and grouchy.

I get a call from Gamma's attorney and the State's Attorney, who wants to set up a meeting with me. I ask if my dad should be included, and they both say no, just me. They offer to come out to the house, and we set up times for each visit. Susan is helping the girls get dressed.

The States Attorney and I shut ourselves in the study, my dad is upstairs getting dressed for the funeral.

"John, I was so very sorry to hear about Millicent. She spoke of you often, she was very proud of you. And grateful you were here. She loved having your family in the house."

"Thanks Charlie, it has been a difficult few days. What did you need to discuss."

"No easy way to say this John. I needed to give you a heads up before the will is read and there will be a lot of paperwork I need you to sign."

"I don't understand. Why isn't dad in on this?"

Charlie sighs. "John, of course you are aware that Millicent has me working on making you Chairman? She signed everything off, and left very clear instructions to make the hand off easy. I know she had hoped to be here for all of this, but she made sure her affairs were in order."

"Yes, we had many discussions, and I was expecting to take over end of January."

"Okay good. Now, the other part. You are the main beneficiary in her will. Jack and Roland will have small trust funds, which will be sufficient to meet their needs, and that will be handed over to them to manage. However, pretty much everything else she left to you."

I sit there speechless, not sure what to say.

"I know this is a bit of a shock. This includes contents of the house, all of her personal bank and investment accounts, absolutely everything. As you know the Foundation assets are significant, and a lot of the family wealth is there. However she and your grandfather also had a lot of personal investments that they never spoke of to anyone in the family. John, the estate is extremely large, and she wanted you to have all of it. On top of her assets, she left trust funds for Brooklynn, Susie, Hailey and Aiden Carter, a large education fund that you are to manage for the children's benefit and there is a smaller fund left to Dr. Susan Lewis, those funds will pass directly to her."

I rub my hands across my face. "You have got to be kidding."

"I never kid about these things, John. You are in control of a sizable fortune, both personal and under the Foundation."

Charlie sets a paper on the desk in front of me. "This is the breakdown of her personal assets. This does not include the Foundation funds."

I pick it up and the figures blur in front of my eyes. I thought I had money before, now I have a serious and massive fortune.

"The last estimate on Millicent's personal net worth excluding the Foundation is close to a billion dollars. Of course we will get some exact figures, but it is a good estimate, based on figures from the last month. You might be wise to limit your outside income, you couldn't possibly spend even a fraction of the interest income you are earning daily."

"Wow, this is crazy, Charlie. I never expected this, I thought she would leave it all to dad."

"Except for the fact that he is never here John. She made it very clear that Jack and Roland have their trust funds and of course Jack is treasurer on the Foundation board, but you were the one who took care of her. The one she counted on, and she wanted you to have it all."

"I had no idea she had all of this."

"No, she never spoke of it, and you are under no obligation to tell anyone just how much she left you. This house is held within the Foundations assets, but it is intended as the family home, and as long as you or one of your heirs wish to live here, you can consider it home. The staff and all the expenses are paid out of a special investment fund, which has been well invested and is sizeable so you don't have to worry about anything. I believe you have access to everything here on the grounds already, and you know she has a jewellery collection that becomes yours. I am not sure the value of that, but she said you would know? She has left your family very well cared for."

"That is a bit of an understatement. So, the kid's trust funds and the education fund are on top of this figure?"

"Yes, John." He pulls out another paper and places it in front of me. I feel a little lightheaded, all four kids have a very significant trusts established that will pay them handsomely when they are 21. The house and all the expenses are taken care of from a fund held under the Foundation, as is the title of the house. The Foundation I will have control of, being privately held.

We finish up the meeting, dad spots Charlie on his way out and makes a deal out of it. He corners me in the study, shutting the door with a bang.

"What was that about John?"

"Charlie wanted to give me a heads up on the will."

"Why didn't he have me in the meeting?"

This is not going to be fun. "Gamma appointed me Chairman of the Foundation."

"Are you kidding? Still, he should have had me in there, she had personal assets that will have been left to me, and to Roland."

I shrug. "He asked to see me privately. They will read the will formally tomorrow."

"Did you know? About the Chairman thing, before she died."

"Yes, she asked me a while ago. I guess she figured since I'm here it would make more sense."

"It has nothing to do with geography, you know it and I know it."

"I suppose your right. She was disappointed in you as both her son, and as a father."

He turns and glares at me. "You could sugar coat it a little."

"Sorry, but you know what? You were never here, I was taking care of her these last few years while you were off wherever you go. And she took care of me when you and mom were never here, so deal with it." I turn and walk out the door.

Susan comes down looking somber but beautiful with the two girls. "The limo is here."

I nod and hold my hand out to her.

The day is sunny, crisp and clear, and relatively warm for January in Chicago. We have arranged a memorial service indoors, and then a brief service at the cemetery. The grave site is covered in flowers. Gamma would have loved this, her closest friends all gathered to say good bye. Susan holds my hand tightly, and Brooklynn clings to my arm on the other side, while Susie holds Susan's other hand.

The turnout at the house is good, but a bit cloying, so I try to escape for a bit to the study. My dad tracks me down and we have a short conversation and even shorter hug. I try with him, I do, but he is frustrating.

Finally everyone is gone, except for Jim, Tiffany, Ryan and Angie. We sit in the sun room having a drink while the girls run around and the babies nap.

Tiffany looks around. "So, is Jack evicting you soon? I bet he can't wait to move in?"

Jim gives me a sideways glance, I told him earlier about the will. He coughs a little and Susan looks at him with a frown. I shake my head slightly but Tiffany catches it.

"What is going on you two? Come on spill, there is something." Tiffany is staring at me then she says. "You have got to be kidding."

"Nope. You are looking at the new Chairman of the Carter Family Foundation. Jack can't evict us, ever."

Jim laughs slightly. "And he is pissed. Imagine your grandmother leaving you…"

I give him a warning look. I have not had a chance to talk to Susan yet.

Jim snorts. "You have not told your wife yet?"

"There has been a lot going on."

Ryan and Angie are watching this like a ping pong game, then Ryan catches on. "Holy hell, you're kidding."

Susan stands up and grabs my hand, yanking me out of my seat and dragging me into the main part of the house. We end up in the study, and she pushes the door shut.

"What is that all about?"

"You might want to sit for this."

"I'll stand, thanks anyway. Spill it, everyone seems to have it figured out, but I have no idea what the deal is."

"Gamma…kind of left everything to me."

Susan gives me a confused stare. "What do you mean, kind of left everything to you? I already know, John, she made you Chairman and you control the empire, your dad is pissed off. "

"No, Susan, she left _everything_ to me, not just the Foundation, but all her personal assets? They are all left to me. On top of that, the kids all have significant trust funds, that education fund I mentioned a while back, and…she left you a little something." A little something. She is going to have a coronary when she sees the value of that 'little something'.

"Why didn't you tell me this before?"

"I just found out this morning, and then we had to go. What do you think my dad was so upset about?"

"Yeah, I thought Jack would be the one left with everything. What did he get?"

"His trust fund, and Roland got his trust fund."

"That's it?"

I nod and Susan sinks onto the sofa. She looks at me with realization dawning in her eyes. "John, just how much are we talking about? Not the Foundation stuff, but what did she leave you personally?"

"Uh…well…"

Susan narrows her eyes at me. "Spill it."

"Well, Charlie thought based on the estimates from last month…that her personal investments are about…a billion dollars."

She starts to laugh. Not like it's funny, but because I think she is overwhelmed. She is now married to the second richest guy in town. Jim's dad being the richest.

"Oh holy shit. That is a huge responsibility, your grandmother just left you a billion dollars in assets and investments. I can barely even breathe." She puts her head down between her knees. "And that's on top of the Foundation stuff? John, that means…with your current assets and hers…holy shit, I married a billionaire. I feel like throwing up."

"Oh great, so now I make you nauseous." I try and joke with her, but she is hyperventilating now. I step over and rub her back then kneel in front of her, putting my arms around her shoulders. "Hey, it'll be fine and we can get into this more tomorrow afternoon after the official reading of the will. We should go back out, we are being rude to our guests."

"Yes, sorry, you're right. This is surreal, honestly, I am freaking out."

"Don't okay?" I get her a bottle of water from the small fridge and crack it open. "This is why I didn't tell you, I found out right before we left for the funeral. I wanted to wait until we were alone, but that conversation got out of hand."

"Okay, I'm not mad, honey, I get it." She sips the water and takes some deep breaths. "But John that is like crazy amounts of money."

"I know, I am not quite sure what we are going to do, but it will all work out. Nothing much will change, honestly baby, it won't. We don't have to move, the kids' education is still paid for and they have trust funds. Big deal."

"Easy for you to say, Mr. Billionaire. You are used to having money."

"Hey, another thing for your bucket list, sex with a billionaire."

This does make her laugh. "Ha, John, very funny. Okay, we need to go back out."

I take her hand and we rejoin everyone. Tiffany looks at Susan with a little concern. "You look a pale, are you all right?"

"Fine, fine. It has just been a very overwhelming day."

"I'm sure. I know you got close to Millicent over the time you lived here."

"I did, we are all going to miss her."

Jim looks at me. "So does your dad know what is coming tomorrow?"

"Nope. He knows about the Chairman things, but the rest? He has no idea. He is going to be on a rampage, but not much I can do about it. The will is ironclad or so I'm told."

"Well, you know you are the one who has been there for her John, and she wanted to you have everything. I am sure it is overwhelming right now, but it won't change who you are. Money hasn't yet."

"Yeah, I suppose."

We all have some dinner that Corinne provides and everyone heads home. Susan and I are exhausted and fall into bed, Louisa had already put the kids to bed earlier.

The next morning we are up and ready for the lawyers to descend on us. The only people invited for the reading are me, Susan, Jack and Roland.

I can see my dad frowning.

"John, do you think it's appropriate for Susan to be here? This is a family thing."

"And she's my wife. Which means she is part of the family and Gamma requested she be here for the reading. So, not another word." I am irritated that he would make that sort of comment.

Susan grips my hand tightly. "John, it's okay."

"No it's really not."

We all sit and the lawyers take over.

"So this will be quick. As everyone knows, the paperwork is almost done to assign the new Chairman of the Board, Millicent left instructions that this go to John. Jack of course you will remain as treasurer if you should so wish. Jack, you have been left with a significant trust fund." The lawyer hands him an envelope. "The details are enclosed as are the papers for you to sign and we will have the funds moved to your name."

"Roland." The lawyer hands him an envelope. "Same for you, you have a significant trust, we will sign the enclosed papers and the funds will be yours to manage as you will."

Roland narrowed his eyes. "That's it?"

The lawyer nodded. "Dr. Susan Lewis." He hands an envelope to Susan. "You also have a token from Millicent, please review and sign the enclosed papers and we will take care of the transfer for you."

Susan looks over at me with her eyebrows raised.

"Okay, so Millicent asked this be read out."

_"Jack and Roland, my dear sons, if you are hearing these words, I have finally departed this earth and gone to join my beloved husband John. I love you both, but I must admit I feel that we failed to instill the family values we so wished you to have. That I am disappointed is an understatement, because you have both failed your families, and your own sons have paid dearly. Chase with his life, and John very nearly with his. Your inability to be there when your children needed you, the neglect and lack of caring you have shown is disgraceful. For this reason, I am leaving you sufficient funds to live on, but only that much. You have had it far too easy for far too long, and maybe I should have left you nothing and let you finally make your own way in the world._

_Susan, my dear. You have been a light in my life, given me four delightful great grandchildren, and have been a wonderful supportive wife for my grandson. For this reason, I have chosen to leave you a token of my appreciation, for your own use. Please know that I will always be grateful you came into our lives, and despite the bumps in the road, I wish you and John happiness always._

_To my beloved great grandchildren, Brooklynn Carter, Susie Carter, Hailey Carter and Aiden Carter I leave each their own trust fund, as we have always done for our own. I only wish that I could have seen you all grow and become the wonderful people I know you will be. In addition, I have set up an education fund that will be held in trust, so you may reach great heights, it is my sincere wish that you all pursue a career you love and that you have the resources to do so._

_John, my beloved grandson. From the day you were born, I had a feeling you would do great things, and I am very sure that is why you ended up the namesake of my dearest husband. To you I leave the balance of my estate. I know we have not always seen eye to eye, but, you have proven to have a beautiful spirit and you have been there for me in my hour of need. You have brought light into my life, not only by being there for me whenever I needed, but bringing your family into my home and making my last days on earth happy ones, despite the loss of my dear husband not so long ago._

_You John, have proven selfless and generous with your pursuit of medicine, and you have never disappointed me, you have faced adversity and picked yourself up, always learning and moving forward. I am immensely proud of you, and I know you will accomplish many great things in the future. You have become a strong family man, just like your grandfather, and I hope that you will never lose sight of that which is most precious. You know of what I speak, John, I don't have to tell you, do I. We have had many conversations these last months and I hope I have imparted at least some wisdom that will carry you forward into the future. You certainly taught me a few things over the years, and I am forever grateful you have been in my life."_

_All my love. Gamma_

_Millicent Noelle Carter_


	67. Chapter 67

I wake up the next morning, wondering at the strange reality of my life. John is spooned up against my back, I can feel his warm breath tickling the back of my neck, his breath deep and slow. His arm is wrapped over me, resting gently on my belly and I cuddle back down closing my eyes. I wake again a while later, and carefully roll over, trying not to wake him.

I watch him sleep for a while, he looks so damn young still, and he just became the second richest guy in town, and that is crazy. He is damn young to be in control of that kind of money, but I know he can do it. The even crazier thing is the inheritance left to me personally. Between what John now has, our work income and the funds left to me by Millicent…I don't even need to work. Of course, I am not in a hurry to quit though, I love being a doctor.

"Are you watching me sleep again?" His voice is soft.

"Sorry, I do that once in a while, don't I?"

"Yeah, you do, and I am not sure why."

"You look so peaceful when you sleep, like every worry drops away, and then…you kind of look like you did when you first started at County.

"Oh boy, was I young then. You know it's been pretty much 10 years now since then. Reminds me of something Mark said."

"Mark. I miss him. So what did he say?"

"'Carter, you come here every day. Sometimes you're really cooking and sometimes you're not. But you're here every day doing your work. One day you'll look up and, maybe, ten years will have passed. It'll be the sum total... of what you've done... that counts. Not the passion'. Now I look up and those 10 years have passed, and I know he was right."

"I know what you mean. It doesn't even seem possible. Mark was…insightful, wasn't he?"

"Yeah, he was, he truly was a great teacher and mentor. He made that comment after I did one of those information sessions, you know the ones they offer to med students to help them decide on a specialty? I was a bit disappointed because I thought I failed to inspire anyone with my passion for my work. Mark knew that dedication, making the effort to show up every day was more important. You know what the most common questions were?"

"No, what?"

"Have you ever killed anyone and what was the most interesting foreign body removal. I wished I knew they were going to ask about killing anyone beforehand, Benton had a great answer."

"Which was?"

"Only med students."

"I love that one, and Benton could pull it off. You? I'm not so sure, you are way too nice, not nearly scary enough."

"I suppose you're right, though there were times when I wish I was a little scarier. I have to say the two greatest influences on who I am as a doctor today are Mark Greene and Peter Benton."

"Hey…I taught you too!" I feign hurt.

"I know, and you are a great teacher and clinician, no doubt about it, you certainly taught me a few things." His suggestive smile tells me he doesn't just mean in the field of medicine. "But, you were gone by the middle of my third year, so…it's still Mark and Peter."

"I don't think there was much I could teach you that you didn't already know by the time we were together. You seemed to do just fine."

"Fine? Really? Just 'fine'?" He tickles me and I giggle, curling up to protect myself.

"Stop…oh please stop."

John stops and pulls me in for a warm hug, burying his face in my hair, suddenly a bit melancholy.

"What would I do without you?" He says this softly, and I know it has all hit him again. "I don't know how I would have made it through this week."

I know this has been a very tough week. The loss of Millicent has been hard on him, as has the reaction of his dad. Jack and Roland left with very little conversation after the reading of the wills. I wonder if Jack will come around now that he has be ousted as the main beneficiary or if he will forgive Millicent and recognize why she did it. I sincerely hope he doesn't neglect to visit his son or his grandchildren, John truly did nothing to him.

His mother never showed up at all, and even worse, she didn't even bother returning the messages he left on her phone. What kind of mother doesn't even call back her son? I hope she has the good sense to stay away from him, I know he was hurt though he tried valiantly to hide it. She doesn't deserve him in her life, I find her cold and heartless.

"I was glad to be here for you, baby. I know this is hard, but you made her so happy and she appreciated our family being here."

"She told me that, and I am glad that we had the time we did together. She will be missed, and though she's right, we didn't always get along, she was the one person who I could always turn to when I needed them. As far as my family I mean."

"I know what you meant, honey." I stretch and sigh, I know it is time to get up soon and face the day. We have both been off work, Rosen has been willing to give us as much time as we need.

"Are you still okay with the Africa thing?" His voice is tentative.

"Yes. I will miss you, and I will worry about you, but yes. If you need to go, then do it."

John has decided to make the trip, and that now might be the time to do it. He needs a bit of time to adjust to his new reality, and when he gets back he will fully immersed in work and the Foundation stuff for a while.

"You are an amazing woman. I promise I will be careful and Luka knows the ropes. He is already there."

"How long is he staying?"

"Not sure, but at least a few more weeks. He took an extended leave from County." John sighs. "We should get up, the kids will be awake soon, and we have the lawyer appointment today."

We are both redoing our wills now that Millicent is gone, and we have to sign some paperwork. I still cannot believe she set me up my own trust fund, which gives me a tidy sum of income every month. Not that I need it, I really have not expenses of my own to speak of, and if I need anything I simply charge it to our joint credit card or take money out of our account.

John pays the bill at the end of each month, and never even comments on how much I spend. Of course I don't go crazy or anything, and I was off work for a year so didn't have income, but now I am working and with this fund I have my own money again.

I worry sometimes about seeming like a freeloader, but then again, any woman John was going to marry would not have nearly the financial resources as he does. And I love him, and he never brings it up either except to say it is our money.

The next few days are uneventful. John gets ready for his trip, but his packing is light, not much is needed there aside from his phone and some clothing. His ID badge and package arrive and I am starting to get very nervous about him going.

He is a bit keyed up I can tell, and he spends a lot of time with the kids over the last few days he is home. They are going to miss him a lot, but, I think it really is something he feels the need to do. To see and experience what is going on in other countries. Sure, he has traveled a lot, but not to third world, impoverished places.

All too soon the day arrives, and I see him off to the airport. I can't help but cry, two weeks without him here. Two weeks that I will miss him.

"Oh baby, are you sure you are going to be okay?" He hugs me tight. "Are you really okay that I am doing this?"

"Yes. We've talked about it John, I know this is something just for you, and that is all right. I am just going to miss you, and I am just…a little emotional."

"I'm going to miss you too, and the kids. I'll be home before you know it." He pulls out a small box and pops it open. In it is a beautiful gold chain. I am not quite prepared for what he does next – he slides of his wedding ring and loops it on the chain, then fastens it around my next.

"What are you doing? Why are you taking of your ring?"

"I can't wear this in Africa, I am scared of losing it. So…I want you to take care of it for me while I'm gone. Keep it close to your heart, you know I will be thinking of you." His thumb brushes my face as he places a gentle kiss on my lips.

I embrace him tightly and with a last long kiss and hug, he is through the security gates. My arms feel devastatingly empty, and I don't think these two weeks are going to fly by. I rub the gold band that is now around my neck, and wish for him to come back to me safely.

And I'm right. It seems like an eternity before I even get a phone call from Kinshasa. It is crackly and full of static, but I know he arrived safely.

"I will be in a small village for a while, so don't worry if you don't hear from me okay? I love you."

"I love you too." I play with the wedding band I have on the chain around my neck, in some ways I am happy to have it, it makes him feel closer to me.

I know he is just giving me a heads up, the communications are limited and he made sure I understood that before he left. I will still worry of course.

I fill my time with visits, I go out with Jing-Mei one night for dinner. I get why John is so close to her, she is terrific, intelligent, and witty with a great sense of humour.

Another day I get together with Tiffany and we take the kids to the park. Riley is growing and he and the twins get along great. They are all growing and developing so quickly, it is amazing.

And of course I work, keep busy with the kids on my days off, and miss John incredibly

Finally it is getting close to time for John to come home and I start to get excited to see him, and the kids ask me daily when daddy is coming home.

"Soon girls, very, very soon."

Now here I sit on the side of the Jacuzzi tub, staring at the stick in my hand. All I can think is oh boy, John is going to freak out. We have been careful, but…New Year's…yup, I can almost guarantee this was a result of me being sick around New Years.

The little pink plus sign taunts me. Like fate has intervened and told me that we are not quite done, and I know the minute John is back he is going in for that appointment. He ended up missing the original date, due to the loss of his grandmother, but damn, he is getting fixed. I guess in reality he has about 7 or 8 months or so to take care of it, but I figure the sooner the better, after this one, I am totally done.

I go for a final visit to see Rachel with her new baby before she moves. She has a new baby girl and is so happy. I snuggle the precious new life and think about how sweet it will be to cuddle my own new baby once again. Now the shock is wearing off, I am…oddly excited about it. Though the morning sickness sucks, and I am trying desperately to hide it from everyone.

Not easy, I have been really nauseous, and I hope it passes soon.

I say nothing to Rachel, and wish her well, hoping she will keep in touch. Really hard to say though, we have drifted apart again, I still think she has some idea that John cheated on me and I am settling.

John should be back in the next couple days, and we can talk about it and decide when to tell people. He needs to be the first to know, though I have gone in for a checkup.

I have been trying not to follow the news to closely, I know violence has erupted in the Congo, and I worry constantly.

"Dr. Lewis!" Our desk clerk calls me as I stop to grab another chart. "Phone call, long distance. It's Dr. Carter?"

The line is bad but I am so happy to hear his voice, though not so much his news.

"It is going crazy here, I am going to be delayed, Susan."

"No, you need to come home John, please come home." I know there have been mass killings, brutal genocide and foreigners are prime targets.

"Susan." I hear his intake of breath. "Luka is missing and I have someone who is going to help me find him."

I am stunned into silence. "Luka?"

"Yeah, I have to at least try before I come home. I can't just leave him here baby."

"John, it's not safe there."

"It's okay here in Kinshasa, I am going to make some visits to the Embassy and a few other key places, it might take some time though, nothing happens here quickly.

"John, please, please be careful." I resist the urge to rest my hand on my belly. I can't tell him, not like this, I have to wait until he gets home, "You come home to me."

"I will baby. I miss you so, so, much, and I will come home as soon as I can. I'll call you when I can as well, I'll be here for a few days, in Kinshasa, it's fine here."

John calls every couple of days with an update, and to let me know he is okay. I don't always get the call right away, but at least he is leaving me messages. Or sometimes a quick email comes from him, letting me know he is fine.

Then he calls to let me now he will be out of touch for a bit. He has been an extra week in Africa already, but he is going to go back out to find Luka.

"I will be traveling with the Red Cross, they are generally fine and accepted. Don't worry, I'll be home as soon as I can, but don't panic if you don't hear from me for a few days. We have to go back to the clinic in Matenda, there are no phones."

"John, are you sure it's safe?"

"Safe?" He pauses. "As safe as you can be traveling in the Congo."

"Uh, that does not make me feel any better, John. I really wish you would come home."

"I'll go to Matenda, and if we don't locate him I'll leave. I will be on the next plane home. Okay?"

"Okay, please be careful, we need you here."

"I know baby. I'll call you as soon as I can."

The next few days are fraught with worry, I miss John and so do the kids. Tiffany tries to console me a bit, she has been a great friend.

"Susan, he's a big boy, he'll be fine, he knows you need him home."

"And Luka was a big boy too, older than John and he has been doing these trips longer, and he's missing. John doesn't want to worry me, but I know this is really dangerous. The Congo, he is in a country that is running around with machetes chopping off people's limbs and killing them indiscriminately. The only thing that will make me feel better is him walking in that door."

"I know, I wouldn't be too happy if Jim did something like that either, but then he doesn't have the medical training so unlikely he would."

"Exactly. John takes too many risks sometimes, look at the mall shooting, or any number of other things he has done at work. County could be a real scary place some days, I mean he almost died when a patient stabbed him. Doesn't being in a war torn country committing genocide scare the living crap out of him?"

"Perhaps it does, but, he is a very loyal friend. If he has reason to believe this Luka is alive, then he would never forgive himself if he didn't try. You know that's true, Susan."

"I know, but he has a family to worry about." I can feel the tears dripping down my face.

Tiffany gives me a quick hug. "It will be okay."

"What if he doesn't come home, what do I do then?"

"He's coming home."

"I really hope so."


	68. Chapter 68

Losing my grandmother was a tough blow. She has been pretty much the only family member who has been there for me for everything.

Getting away to Africa was something I have been wanting to do, though I know it is tough on my family. I just felt I needed to, and I was not sure why. Now I do.

It is a heavy dose of reality, to see life in a country not so fortunate as ours. Life is pretty simple here, you get up in the morning, see patients, and then go to bed at night. I miss Susan and my kids, I won't say that part is easy, but still it is worth a bit of personal sacrifice to volunteer and make a real difference in other people's lives.

Honestly, I still feel like a lot of people in Chicago don't truly appreciate what you do for them. You fix them up and next thing you know, they are back again. Like the gang wars that happened not so long ago. I was talking to Elizabeth about what was happening at County and she said she'd had one boy in three times. Three times, in about 10 days. She was considering installing a zipper so it would be easier to perform surgery the next time this kid ended up getting shot.

The sad thing is, he ran out of luck and died on his way to the hospital the fourth time. His older brother died too, leaving the mother and a little girl who had been severely injured and would never walk again.

Saying good bye to Susan was difficult. She was in tears and I almost didn't get on the plane but I had committed to going, and I didn't feel right about backing out. She is strong and capable, and she will be fine, I know it.

We talked about this trip extensively and she has been supportive of my choice. I feel like I need to get out of my own head for a while. It is only two weeks of my life.

I get off the plane in Kinshasa and am met by one of the Alliance crew, who gets me on a plane to Kisangani. It is hot, I am sweating buckets and I am still jet lagged. I curl up trying to get comfortable crammed in around a bunch of artificial limbs.

I gesture to them.

"Why so many? Landmines?"

"No, machetes."

This gives me pause, people are running around cutting of limbs…with machetes. The fact they need this many prosthetic to replace them is a bit shocking.

We finally bump down the runway after a very uncomfortable flight and endure the ride in the truck to the very small compound which is located outside of Kisangani. The hospital is small and quite rustic, the air hot and humid. I am shown to my quarters which are very simple, a cot with bug netting. The showers and toilet are communal and my stomach turns a bit, they are kept as clean as possible but this is Africa so, no plumbing to speak of.

Here, the majority of people are excited to see a doctor anywhere within 500 miles.

"Is Luka here?"

"Luka?"

"Big guy, black hair."

"Oh, Kovac, right…Luka. He's in Matenda doing vaccinations."

"When will he be back?"

"Should have been back a couple days ago." This is said nonchalantly.

I must look shocked or worried.

"Ah, do not worry, it is common for delays, the roads are not too good."

The conditions are rough, we have power at night only for emergencies. Lighting is candles and oil lamps, and the food is unappetizing at best.

The first morning two of the nurses show me around. Gillian is the interesting one, they are eying me and speaking French, so I am not totally sure what they are saying but I do hear one word I recognize. Married? Said as if it is a question. I wish I had learned French on one of those trips to Paris. I can only catch a very few words.

I jump right in, with a bilingual nurse assisting me. I examine the patients, and she helps me talk to the patients, some of which do speak both French and English. We diagnose with little for tests, based on symptoms and a simple exam. We do what we can with very limited resources. Antibiotics are in short supply, and we don't have the variety like we do at home, so, we are not always sure treatment will work.

The third night actually, a truck rolls up and Luka pops out. They have some critical patients, so we all dive in with no time for idle chat. Angelique is the surgeon and she triages them, I take one of the patients and try my best to keep him stable until she is done. He is in the worst shape though and is last on the list, so it is literally hours that I work on him.

"We have four hours of fuel, we will do what we can in that time." Angelique declares. She is a tiny little thing, but fierce, the only surgeon we currently have. She has the light brightest where she is, I am in semi darkness to conserve fuel, so I can do little, even though I do have surgical skills.

The entire time the lighting flickers and finally goes out.

"They are turning the barrel, give it a moment."

Finally the lights are back on, and I do what little I can for my patient.

"I'm losing him." This is frustrating, if I was at home, I would at least be able to give it a shot.

I try my best, but the young man dies, despite my efforts, and his brother has been waiting and watching the whole time.

"Shouldn't we tell him?" I nod at the brother.

"He already knows." Is the simple reply.

We finally drag our tired bodies out of the clinic and sit for a few minutes.

"John, I am glad you decided to come." Luka's smile is tired.

"Me too, mostly. Is it always like that?"

"What, Like tonight? Yes, pretty much."

Gillian appears and bangs three glasses down on the table, pouring us each drinks. Mine and Luka’s are strong, but hers is about half alcohol and half coke.

"Thanks." I sip mine carefully and try not to grimace, if I wasn't already tired this would certainly do the trick. I will be passed out in no time.

Gillian is from Montreal, so her French is excellent, but of course she also speaks English, though with a charming accent. She slugs her drink back with barely a twitch, while Luka smokes silently watching her. We are exhausted, the company is great, but the silence is much needed after the long day.

Her eyes are a lovely blue, and she has long blond hair, she is a very attractive woman, some would say exactly my type. She looks at me then over at Luka. She stands and smiles coyly looking at me again, then again at Luka.

"I'm going to bed…if _anyone_ would like to join me."

Luka looks at me and I frown, not quite sure I heard that right. His eyebrows go up and I shake my head. Nope not a chance. Not only do I love my wife and would never do that to her, I would not sleep with someone who is just throwing it out there to see if there are any takers.

"You don't mind?" Luka is grinning at this point.

"I haven't done anything with Gillian." I hold up my hands "Go right ahead."

Luka chugs the rest of his drink.

"Good night then." He saunters out of the tent.

I finish my drink and head to bed…alone. I guess Africa has different rules, because I made sure to let it be known that I am married. Maybe that doesn't mean anything here, but it sure does to me. I could never go home and look my wife in the eye if I cheated on her, and I am shocked that Luka would even ask me if I was interested.

The next day Luka heads back to the clinic in Matenda, and I work for a few more days, lamenting the deplorable conditions. I get to know Gillian a little better, and find that she is quite sweet, and a really great nurse. I also find out she has a boyfriend back in Montreal, which surprises me…but only a little. After all, the other night amounts to basically a proposition with her knowing that I am a married man.

Just over a week in Angelique asks me to take vaccines out to Matenda and to pick a nurse. I choose Gillian, simply because we have become friends, and I bet Luka would love to see her. Call it a little gift if you will, and she is really great company.

It is a long bumpy ride, but Luka is happy to see us. There is a very long line of people when we get there.

"What is everyone waiting for?"

"For you. Angelique radioed ahead and let us know that you were coming, and we put out the word. The vaccines only keep so long in the heat, and we want to start right away."

We vaccinate over 200 kids in a couple of hours. Luka teaches me a bit of French as we each take a line, though I butcher the pronunciation, and the Congolese have a good laugh at it. Still they are lovely people, so grateful, waiting patiently in that long line in the heat.

We catch a couple other ailments and send them into the clinic to receive some antibiotics while we continue with our quest to get through the lineup. Once every bit of vaccine has been administered we take a short break.

"Doesn't feel like we did much today."

"You are used to County, but think of it this way, when was the last time you saved 200 lives in one day? Even the simplest thing here makes a big impact, and they appreciate it."

"Isn't that the truth? I feel like half the time the patients we see at home don't realize what we do every day."

After dinner it is time to relax, we only have a couple patients in the clinic. One a soldier, one a little boy we are monitoring an infection on and one other that will be ready to go home in the morning. I can hear music drifting on the air, and walk towards the sound.

Luka and Gillian are dancing and Luka dips her, her soft smile lighting up her face.

 _Boom._ Instantly it feels like daytime, as the night sky lights up directly behind me. I am frozen for a moment.

"Get down! Doctor! Get down!" Patric yells at me.

I hit the dirt and cover my head. There are a few more explosions, fortunately not too close. We can still hear shelling as I become aware of high pitched screaming.

"Help! Doctor! Help!” It is chaos as a woman runs in with her daughter, who is bleeding profusely. The girl is screeching in pain and in shock as we assess the damage. Luka and I look at each other as the child stops, passing out from the level of pain. We both know the leg is damaged beyond repair and what we have to do next is horrifying. We perform an amputation right then and there, no drugs, though the girl is mercifully unconscious, for which I am thankful.

We get the girl situated in the clinic and her mother onto a cot next to her. Now we have to administer antibiotics and hope we can prevent infection from setting in. My sleep is restless, Luka and I both choose to sleep in the clinic and monitor the patients.

The next morning the shelling starts up again, and we get a radio call from Kisangani, telling us we need to get out.

"Get out now!" Orders Angelique. "They are less than a mile from the clinic."

We grab what we can and flee into the jungle, taking the patients with us. Luka carries the little girl, and the little boy's dad takes him. The rest of us carry what medical supplies we can, along with the radio.

"What a life, living in fear, how do you know which side is which? And why can't they fight it?" Sitting in the jungle gives you a lot of time to think. And I am not sure I like where it is leading.

"Well at first there's always a lot of talk of national pride and patriotic speeches, then after a few weeks it becomes this; nothing but death and sadness. These people just want what everyone else wants: their kids to have something to eat; to see them grow up, laughing, happy. They don't care where the border is or who gets to call themselves president. They just want this to stop.

 **"** I don't understand the politics here, I really don't"

"Of course not, you're American. The answer is to bomb from the sky, then the pilots go back and watch TV. On the ground, this is their life."

"Americans died in Iraq."

"Sure they did, but the women and children were safe at home while the soldiers were here. They didn't need to worry about their wife's being raped and their children murdered. There are no easy answers."

I recognize, Luka went through this in his homeland, he knows. His wife and two children died in Croatia, from a bomb dropped on their building. Such loss, I could not imagine losing my whole family in such a tragic fashion.

"Luka. Come in." We hear the radio crackle.

"Angelique."

"You can go back to camp, they have moved on."

We work our way carefully back to camp, then start getting ready to evacuate whoever we can and come back to Kisangani as the Mai Mai are advancing on our position.

We are almost ready to leave when we have two trucks of soldiers pull up and force us to our knees. They put a gun to Luka's head first, he keeps his cool.

Then someone says something in French, and I feel the cold steel pressed against my forehead. All I can think of is Susan and my children, waiting for me at home in Chicago. Is this it? How it all ends? What did I do coming out here?

I know I must look terrified. I meet Luka's eyes, and I can see him sending me a message. Don't move, don't say a word.

Someone is standing over me, their shadow falling across me as I hear the words, though I don't understand what they are saying. I whisper.

"What are they saying?"

Patric answers.

"He said you tried to save his brother. That you tried very hard for a long time."

I try to look up at the person standing over me, but the sun is in my eyes.

"Hello." The boy says.

"Hi." I manage to get out of my mouth.

I kneel there for an eternity, the gun pressed forcefully against my skull. I try to breathe as they continue to speak in rapid French, until finally the gun is removed and I almost weep in relief. They execute one of the patients, then they are gone.

I force myself back to my feet and brush off my pants.

"You all right?" Luka rests a hand on my shoulder. Not the first time I have encountered guns in my line of work, but it was damn scary nonetheless.

"Yeah, I'll be okay. This is a crazy country. I feel for the people who live here."

"Living in a war zone is never easy. These visits give you a real appreciation, you just don't hear about this stuff on the news. Not really, anyway. You can only see so much of it, nothing like experiencing it first hand to make you understand."

We finish loading who we can, though Luka, Patric and a few patients at the clinic have to stay, they are not well enough to travel.

"Take care of yourself Luka. Don't do anything stupid."

"Like?"

"Get yourself killed."

He just laughs and grins. I open the door and Gillian slides in, then I join her with a final wave at Luka. It has been an intense few days. Gillian is tired, and I let her lean on me as we drive back to camp, she even manages to sleep for a bit, and I have no idea how.

The last few days fly by, and I finish the last part of my stay in Kisangani. It seems like business as usual, I can fly through the patients and am understanding a tiny bit more French now, though I still butcher it when I try to speak back. But they understand enough and one of the nurses are always around if the patient doesn't speak English.

I say good bye, I have made some good friends in the two weeks I have been here, and I have some ideas of how to help once I get home. I board the plane back to Kinshasa with mixed feelings, but mostly I miss my family.

We land in Kinshasa in the afternoon and I have two days before I can catch a flight out. The number of flights has been cut down, not so many people are excited to visit the Congo these days.

I enjoy sleeping in a slightly better bed that night and the next morning I go to one of the markets and buy a few little things for Susan and the kids. Not that it has been a holiday, but I may never be back in the Congo ever.

"John! John!" I hear my name, and I recognize the voice. Gillian.

"Hi! What are you doing here? Going home?"

"No, John. The clinic in Matenda was attacked. Luka, and Patrique are gone. We think…" The tears drip down her face. "They're dead."

I feel numb. I was just there, only a few days ago. I saw Luka only a few days ago. I hug Gillian and let her cry.

"I'm sorry."

I know I can't go until we know for sure. I make the call, knowing it is a hard thing, but I tell Susan I have to stay a bit longer. She's upset, but she knows I am only doing what I need to do. Or I hope she does.

The next bit of time drags, we wait, trying to get news, trying to see if they are getting any of the bodies back. The body. Yes, we got back Luka's id, so we believe he is in fact dead.

But I am stubborn so when one of the contacts I have made suggests we might be able to get out into the region with the Red Cross, I am all for it.

We fly back out to Kisangani and I am overwhelmed by the number of people there, all in a few days. The streets are teeming with refuges, all trying to get a little bit of food. We check in at the clinic, and I spend a few hours helping Angelique with some surgery.

"I am so sorry to hear about Luka." Angelique sits across from me.

"Thanks. We are hoping to at least locate...his body. I would like to send it home to his family."

"It's brave, John, but a bit crazy. Don't you have a wife waiting for you at home? And kids, right?"

"Yes, but Luka is a friend, a colleague and I have to at least try."

Gillian introduces me to Debbie of the International Red Cross the next day. She seems reluctant to help at first.

"I have money if it will help." I offer.

"How much money."

"$20,000, cash."

Debbie whistles.

"That is a lot of cash."

I wait silently for a moment.

"You know, Doctor, our safety depends on us being Neutral. If the locals got any word of us spreading around that kind money that could be used for weapons, we'd be dead. Not dead in the water, but head mounted on a stick dead."

"No offense intended, I was told it might help."

"No. But, I might consider taking you two to provide medical assistance. We can go as far as Matenda."

"Great."

Debbie is quite the lady, strong, independent and gutsy. She drives like a maniac, but I find she has a heart of gold. She asks me a lot about why I am here, and it is hard to put it into words.

"I don't know, I just needed time to get out of my own head. I love my family, but...this is just for me.  I am glad I experienced it, as tough as it has been."

"Your family?"

"Mm, yes, my wife, Susan. We have four kids."

Debbie looks a little shocked.

"You don't look old enough to have four kids."

"I assure you I am. Susie is 9 in May. Brooklynn will be 7 in May, and I have twins, Aiden and Hailey who are just over a year old."

"That's quite a gap in age. How old are you?"

"I suppose, but that is how it worked out. I'm 31."

"Wow, so you started your family young. 22?"

"Umm, no, Susie is actually adopted, she's Susan's niece, and it is a long story."

"Really. And...you left your wife, along, in Chicago to take care of four kids while you ran off to Africa? Is she going to have changed the locks when you get home?"

"No. We talked about it before I came, of course. Though I was supposed to be home already, but this whole thing delayed my return."

"So, she's a stay at home mom? Is she going to kill you for advancing $20,000 on your credit card?"

"Nope, neither of the above. She's an Emergency Physician as well, and we have...help at home. We have a nanny."

"Oh Richie Rich are you. You have a nanny and Susan is a doctor. That makes sense I guess."

"Well, two doctors, shift work, long hours, yeah we have a nanny, and someone to do the housework. I'm double boarding in surgery, so it can get heavy, but I love what I do. How about you, what's your story?"

"Well, I am from Seattle and I just want to save the world I guess. Not married, though I had a long term boyfriend at one point and we broke up. I used to go back to the States quite often, but now? Hardly ever."

"Hm, well if you ever end up in Chicago, you will have to look me up. I work at Northwestern, usually in the ER."

"I might do that. Any chance you have a guest room?"

I laugh softly.

"Oh, one or two, yeah. You'd be welcome to stay."

Her look is curious.

"One or two. Uh huh. You have a nanny, a housekeeper of some sort, and you can advance $20,000 on your credit card without blinking. I think I should call you Richie."

"Nope, John is just fine."

"Well John, time to get some rest, tomorrow is another long day."

We are holed up at a small clinic, and have spent the afternoon doing what we can. The good news is we found someone who last saw Luka in Matenda, so we are going to be heading there tomorrow.

We get to Matenda and the clinic has been burned to the ground. The building that was our sleeping quarters is now piled up with dead bodies. This is not going to be pleasant, but I do it. I have to know if he's there.

I go in and have to wrap a cloth around my face. The smell, the flies, it is nauseating. There are a lot of bodies in there, all of which are foreigners. I find Patrique, which puts Gillian into tears again, she and Debbie unwisely followed me in.

Then I find the man they thought was Luka, but it isn't. We show the ID to the soldier who has been guarding the building.

"Il est pretre." The man says.

"What?"

Gillians eyes widen. "Priest. He says Luka is a priest."

We follow the man out.

"Do you know where this man is?" I hold up the ID badge again, almost shouting at him.

"Oui. Le pretre."

This is followed by a string I don't follow, but Gillian does. He was taken to a village not far from here as they would not shoot a man of God. I don't know how they ever thought that, but if it saved his life, then he is one lucky man.

We find Luka, he is in very bad shape but he’s alive. We load him and the mother with the little girl we saved when I first got to Matenda. She is grateful and thanks me. I was happy to do it and we got back Luka. Gillian is holding him as we ride back to Kisangani.

I manage to get hold of the embassy, and talk to a friend I have made during my time in Africa. He helps me arrange a transport plane, which will get us home. Luka is being treated and is still not doing great, but he will be okay for the trip.

"Debbie, thank you. I don't know how to repay you. I really meant it, if you are ever in Chicago, please look me up."

"Northwestern, got it. And I have your email and phone number."

"Yeah, I'm not hard to find, trust me. Luka knows how to get hold of me too." I give Angelique a hug as well. "Thanks, you have my information too, so the same applies. Contact me anytime."

Debbie is going to call Susan for me, I have tried to get through and the phones have not been cooperating. We board the plane, Gillian has decided to catch a lift back to the states with us. She has had enough adventure for a while.

The flight can't go fast enough. I have now been away from home for 5 weeks. Far longer than intended and I miss everyone desperately. We all pretty much crash once we are on the plane, exhaustion has set in.

We land in Chicago it is cold and crisp. Gillian and I catch a lift on the ambulance back to County where Luka is going. We walk in, and I know I look like hell, but at least I had a chance to wash and change before I got on the plane.

We get a lot of welcome backs and I say good bye to Luka before they wheel him off. Gillian gives me a big hug then I turn.

Susan is standing there, tears in her eyes. She takes the final few steps towards me and launches into my arms giving a little jump so she has her legs wrapped around me with her arms around my neck.

I hug her tightly and give her a very long kiss. I can hear a few wolf whistles, and of course a few comments about my welcome, but I ignore it all.

"You're back. I missed you so much!" There are tears on her cheeks, but she is smiling.

"I missed you too."

"Your friend Debbie called me and said you were on your way home with Luka. I'm glad you are both okay."

"Me too. Ready to go home?"

"Yes. But first." She takes the chain off her neck and slides my ring back on my finger. "I kept it safe for you."

I pick up my backpack and we leave, Alger is waiting with the car. I lean back and close my eyes, I am so tired I can barely move.

"Tired baby?"

"Exhausted. You cannot know how good it is to be home, that was a rough trip."

"I cannot believe you found him. They were reporting him dead."

"I know, it was…indescribable, the conditions over there."

"Relax. We can talk tomorrow."

Susan leans against me and I drop a kiss on her hair, and hold her close to me in silence. It is so good to be home, the thoughts of hot showers, comfortable bed and good food are dancing in my head. Not to mention waking up with my wife tomorrow morning.

It is late when we get home and everyone is asleep. I look in on the kids and give them all kisses. Then I take a very long hot shower and crawl into bed. Susan is waiting for me, and I wrap my arms around her. I am torn between needing to sleep and needing to make love to my wife.

I end up drifting off for a while, then waking up to her hands running through my hair, her soft kisses on my face and neck. It is hard to resist her, and frankly I don't want to. She is so soft and warm and she smells enticing, that almost floral scent from her soap or lotion or whatever.

She kisses me deeply and pulls my shirt up, and I help her get it over my head. The little clothing is between us is soon gone, the feel of her lips as she kisses my body is heavenly. We are both ready quickly, after 5 weeks apart she barely has to touch me and I want her. Her hands skim over me, down my back as she curls her leg around my hips and pulls me to her.

We make love slowly, trying to slow it down, take our time. I want it to last forever, but once I feel her body tighten around me I am lost. I hold her close, rolling us so her leg is looped over my hip as we kiss.

I pull her in very tight, I can feel her entire body against mine. I notice something different, her breasts seem fuller, her body more curvaceous, and it is a feeling, and intuition that there have been some changes while I was gone.

But…I am a bit leery to say anything. What do you say to your wife…honey, did you gain weight? _That_ is sure to get a guy killed, if I am wrong about what I am thinking.  I would never want her to think that it bothered me, it surely doesn't, I love her in all her forms and I always will. Still, it is clear to me that her body is far more voluptuous than the last time we made love. She turns her onto her back and I lay on my side facing her.

There is definitely something going on, her face is flushed, which is expected. But her breasts seem fuller and I can see the slight change in her face. It may seem crazy, but I notice details, a valuable skill for an ER doctor.

"I missed you, and I missed this. Five weeks away from you was too long." I trail my fingers on her soft skin, across those very full luscious breasts, brushing down her side, trying to be very casual about it.

"Me too. I hate sleeping alone in this big bed."

"I'm home now." I kiss her forehead, each of her eyelids, the tip of her nose, then her lips.

"I am so happy you are." She whispers as we exchange soft little pecks then I look deep into those gorgeous green eyes. I can see she is almost bursting to say something else, but she is holding it back.

"What? You look…" I am not sure how to describe it. Apprehensive, but also excited, bursting with anticipation, maybe that is what I am seeing.

She bites her lip as I let my fingertips run over her belly, and I can feel the soft rounded swell of her belly. When I left, it was absolutely and perfectly flat, I know this for a fact. I _know_ my wife's body and there is a very pronounced change in the 5 weeks I have been gone. I flatten my hand and run it back over her belly, using just a tiny bit of pressure, like I would in a very gentle exam. It is taught, firm, and I am pretty damn sure I am not hallucinating or imagining the change, this is not just _weight gain_. I stop and hold my hand there, cupping my hand on the swelling.

Susan's pregnant? I am almost positive she's pregnant. I inhale sharply as this hits me with clarity, she is absolutely carrying our child, and she must be close to 3 months along already.

"John." She says softly. She puts her hand over mine.

"Susan?" I think she can see the question in my eyes, she knows that I have figured it out, without a word from her.

She laughs softly. "You know right?"

"Wow…seriously. You're pregnant, right? I'm not imagining it?"

She shakes her head. "I'm just over 10 weeks by my calculation. It's noticeable right?"

"Yes. Without your clothes on, it definitely is."

"Are you…upset?"

"I little in shock at the moment, but…upset? Um, not really. Weird, I thought I would be but…it's…wow, 10 weeks? Really. New Year's right?"

"Yes, must have been within a few days. You noticed pretty quickly, so kudos to the observant husband."

"Ummm. Yes. I noticed, I know your body, and you are getting a little belly, and your breasts are fuller. When did you find out?"

"I did a test a couple days before you called from Kinshasa to tell me about Luka. I missed my period but at first I thought it was stress, with you being gone. Then came the nausea, the sore breasts, and I just knew."

"Man, see, I told you if I looked at you the wrong way you would get knocked up. How do you feel about it? Having another baby?"

"I'm okay, actually. At first I was thinking no way in hell, but you know, within a day or two I was fine with it. Now I'm actually a bit excited about it, this is our baby, a little part of us, and I can't do anything but have this child. I already love this baby, John, carrying a little person inside me is…like a miracle."

Her eyes are shining and I can tell she really is happy about another baby. I lean over and give her a long deep kiss.

"Wow, this is big news to come home to and we weren't intending to have more kids, but, since it happened I guess we are having another baby."

"Sorry, I just couldn't tell you by phone, and I wanted to wait until tomorrow after you had some rest, but it is kind of hard to hide this from you."

"It's okay that you waited, finding out in person in much nicer. The belly, well you are almost 3 months into a third pregnancy, totally normal. You are just more curvaceous than when I left."

"Curvaceous. You are sweet, a nice way to say you noticed I'm getting fat?"

"No, I love all these soft curves, trust me. And you are not getting fat, you are growing a baby." I run my hand over again, then slide down and brush my lips across her belly. I caress the soft swelling with my hands. "Right baby? Mommy is not fat."

I feel her fingertips wander through my hair.

"I know, John and now the morning sickness is easing up it feels wonderful." She gets a little grin on her face. "By the way, you have an appointment with your doctor, I checked with Peter to get your schedule and arranged it so you go first thing when you have 3 days off in a row."

"An appointment for…yeah, I really need to get that done, though we have a bit of time since you're already knocked up."

"Right, but by the time I have the baby you will have been tested and we know we won't be having any more. _5_ kids, John. We thought it was crazy having 4."

"Yes it is, but we will love our new little person anyways. There is no reason for you not to have this baby, we can certainly afford to have one more, you can take time off again, and…a baby is a good thing."

"It is, and this baby was made with love. We are just not taking the chance of having any more after this one."

"Yes. No question. So when are we going to start telling people, the comments should be interesting."

"Let's wait a bit. I'm 10 weeks and the morning sickness should be over with soon. Of course Janet knows, I went in for a check-up when I realized I was pregnant, and everything is good. She wants to do an ultrasound at 12 weeks, since I'm 35 now it makes sense. We can decide about telling people after that, maybe around 15 weeks or so?"

"Let me now when you have your appointment booked."

"Oh, I have one, I made sure we were both off, and it is not too close to your appointment so you can come. Honestly, I am relieved that you are not freaking out. I thought you were going to freak out."

"Only a little on the inside, I think that is more about having 5 kids, and trying to stay sane through the teenage years. But we've done this before, Susan, we both know we will manage just fine."

"Of course we will. We can give our children everything they need, most especially a family and lots of love."

I skim my hands over her curves and brush my lips over her warm skin. We are both very awake now, and it is going to take a while to get back to sleep. My mind is racing, I never imagined coming home to this, but it is still amazing.

We make love again, then curl up and sleep, the exhaustion finally winning.


	69. Chapter 69

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I am working on another chapter which will be up soon. I never intended this story to be so long, but it kind of took on it's own life after a while. I welcome any constructive comments on my writing, it is something I love to do and I am working on it every day.  
> Hope you enjoy my story.

"Hello?" I pick up my cell phone. This number is long distance, but it's not John's. Still, the area code is Africa.

"Hi, could I speak with Susan Lewis?" The very American voice makes my heart pound.

"This is Susan. Who's this?" Please, please let John be okay. I am frightened, why is he not calling me himself. I can hear the note of panic in my voice.

"Debbie, I'm with the Red Cross in Kisangani. John asked me to call you, there were problems with the phone systems earlier and he wanted you to know that he's okay. If fact, he's on a plane home, right now."

"He's coming home?" I can't keep the excitement out of my voice. "Do you know which flight?"

"Private charter, so I am not really even sure which airport, I know Chicago has two, right? He is bringing Luka back with him, we found him in a little village not too far from Matenda, he's quite ill with Malaria but he's getting better. So I think there is a medical transport that is going to take them to County General when they land. It will be pretty late, probably midnight in Chicago or thereabouts."

I glance at my watch. It is 6 pm now. "When did they leave Africa?"

"This morning, about 8 am. They had to make one fuel stop along the way, so the pilot estimated about midnight. You could call County General, if you know anyone there they might be able to help."

"I used to work there, I know lots of people, in the ER especially. Thank you Debbie."

"You're welcome. You have quite the husband there, he did pretty well for his first trip to the Congo. Luka would have died without his persistence."

"Mm, I know, he's a stubborn one sometimes. And he has seen some things even here in Chicago, he works in a level 1 trauma center, not much disturbs him."

"Oh, I think a bit of the stuff here got to him." Debbie grimaced as she remembered the line of women outside the one clinic. All raped by the Mai Mai soldiers and how John looked when he realized that these 25 women were worried about getting pregnant. Not to mention the 'body barn', where the found Patrique. Tears came to her eyes when she thought about the poor man. "This is worse than any trauma room, trust me. Anyway, he'll be home soon. Sorry for the late call, but they just got the phone service restored for us. Take care Susan."

"Thanks Debbie, you too." I hang up, relieved, they are on their way home and both are okay. He was right to stay.

I was excited to see him, though nervous about my news. I decided to not tell him the second I saw him, but give him some time to rest first. He showered and had a bit of a sleep then I woke him up. I missed him so much, and I wanted to make love, and it was amazing, as always. 5 weeks of pent up emotions being let loose made for passionate and urgent lovemaking.

Of course, him being a doctor, he noticed a few things. Like my fuller face, my fuller chest, and of course my belly. I could tell he was thinking about how to ask me…after all saying to your wife, hey baby, you look a little…fat…could get a guy killed. But it came out pretty naturally, he could tell by the feel of my belly without me saying a word.

He didn't freak out either. I could tell he was surprised but not shocked or upset. He did crack a joke which relieved the tension I was feeling, about how it was so damn easy for us to get pregnant. We have never even had to _try_ to have a baby, it just happens for us. He didn't argue about the appointment either, he knows he needs to go, or we might be going for baby 6 in another year or so, and that is _just_ not happening.

It has been a great few days, having him home safe, and the kids were incredibly excited to find out that daddy was home. He made a point of getting up before the girls went to school in the morning. He was dressed and went in to see the twins first, as the girls were getting dressed.

"Dada." Both the twins were babbling and held up their arms. I picked up Aiden while John gave Hailey her hug, then we switched. He had just put Aiden down when the girls came by to say good morning.

"Daddy!" Brooklynn was the first to see him. "Daddy, your home!" She bounced over to him and was up in his arms in a flash. The joy on her face, and on his was touching. He gave her a very long hug.

"I missed you cuddle bug."

Susie was not too far behind. "Daddy." She was sniffling slightly as he picked her up.

"How's my girl?"

"Good, you were gone too long daddy. Why were you gone so long?"

"I know sweetie, but I had a friend who was very sick and we had to help him before I could come home. I am glad to be back though."

The girls chattered and filled him in on their lives while they had breakfast and John helped me feed the twins.

Once the girls were off to school, we both got ready for work. He needed to get back right away, he has missed a lot of time again, which has been hard on Peter.

"Tell me about Africa." I sip my tea as John negotiates the traffic on our way in to Northwestern.

"Wow, it was…where to even begin. Beautiful and terrifying all wrapped up. The people are wonderful, so friendly, and patient. The living conditions are terrible for the most part though, with the war so many have been displaced, forced from their homes, and camps were springing up."

"How was working in the clinic."

"Weird at first, so many people waiting to be seen. You think the County ER got stacked up, that was nothing compared to the clinic there. But no real diagnostic tools, it is all observation, and knowing the common diseases in the area. Few antibiotics available, and sometimes nothing you can do. People we could have saved if they lived in the States, simply die there. I did a trip out to Matenda and we did a mass vaccination one day, we spent hours just giving shots."

"You impressed Debbie."

"Did I? Well, that's a compliment. She is a very strong lady, that one. You'd like her."

"I could see that, we talked just a bit on the phone when she called me to tell me you were on the way home."

"Did you? Hm. Well, anyway, it was an incredible experience overall, though very sad too. The one night we had to amputate a little girl's leg in very primitive conditions. She is doing great now, but it was not pleasant."

"So what was the scariest thing that happened?"

I can see him look over at me and shake his head. "I don't think you want to know." His voice is low when he says this, and it scares me a little.

"I do want to know."

"I think this is something we should talk about tonight. Not in the car on the way to work."

The frown descends, I can feel it. I am watching his profile, he is not looking at me. "No, we have a bit of time before work, so why don't we go into your office."

He shakes his head. "I think tonight would be better."

"John. Tell me damn it. Now. What are you hiding?"

He sighs, flicking on his turn signal, he checks the mirror and pulls into the doctor's lot. Once the ignition is off he turns and looks at me. "Fine, let's go."

He takes my hand and we try to get to his office, but of course get a lot of comments along the way. Peter sees us in the surgery hallway.

"Carter! You decided to grace us with your presence. When did you get home?"

"Last night, or more accurately very early this morning."

"How was Africa?"

"Hot. And insane, but interesting too. We will have to go for lunch or have you over to the house for dinner and I'll tell you about it."

"I'd love that. Good to have you back, when you on?"

"About an hour. Susan and I were just going to have a coffee before she starts. Are you on already?"

"Yes, and I have to go." His pager starts beeping insistently. "See you in a bit."

I drag him into his office and shut the door before we can be interrupted again.

"Okay mister. Spill it. What could be so bad that you don't want to tell me?"

"It's…okay…so, the one night there was shelling close to the clinic in Matenda, and we ended up having to evacuate quickly and spent some time hiding out in the jungle. We knew the Mai Mai were close, base camp radioed and told us to get out of harm's way."

"That's a bit scary. But that's not it, right?"

John reluctantly shakes his head. "Nope. We get back and start to load up to evacuate, and a convoy of Mai Mai came into the camp." He stops and looks at me. "Are you sure you really want to know this?"

"John." I say warningly.

"Fine. The Mai Mai were all kids, some maybe as young as 12 years old. All armed. They held us at gunpoint for at least an hour. Then they executed a soldier from the opposing side who was one of the patients and left."

"You were held at gunpoint? By the Mai Mai. John, just how close did I come to losing you…again." I sink onto the couch and he sits beside me. I lean up against me and he pulls me in right close.

"Well, the good news is I tried really hard to save one of the Mai Mai soldiers during the first couple days, and one of the soldiers was his brother, so…they didn't shoot us."

"That makes me feel so much better." The sarcasm oozes from me, but in truth I feel nauseous that he went through this."

"I'm here, that is what matters. And I was in Kinshasa when they raided the clinic at Matenda. The only reason they didn't shoot Luka is because they thought he was a Priest."

"What?"

"One of the patients gave him a cross, and he started to pray in Croatian, he was the only one left alive out of the whole group. He was a bit delirious by then, from the Malaria. The mother of the little girl we saved, she told them he was a Priest, so they didn't kill him. She saved his life."

"How many others died there?"

"Oh, well, I would guess…40 or so. I estimate that's how many bodies were in the building when we got there."

"You saw the bodies?" I feel sick at the thought of him entering a building full of dead bodies, looking for Luka.

"Unfortunately yes. They let us look, we found the body of Patrique who was with Luka, in the building with the rest of the foreigners they murdered. Then we found Luka in a nearby village."

"Oh John, you had to…" I start to take deep breaths, John gets me a bottle of water from the small fridge near his desk. He cracks it open and hands it to me. Dead bodies, in high heat, left for days in a building…that must have been horrifying. Finding their friend among them.

"Sorry, too much information."

"No, I wanted to know. I should not have pushed, but…now I know. Anything else?" I sip the water gratefully.

"That's about the worst of it, aside from seeing a lot of displaced people along the roads and seeing the violence perpetrated against their own countrymen, especially the women and children. Genocide is not pretty, civil war is ugly, and it was eye opening. It made me see things very differently and…well it was life changing. I'm just not sure how yet."

We sit for a while, hugging then I realize how long we have been in his office.

"I have to go to work."

"Me too. You're all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine. Just thankful you are home, don't even think about going back there, if you leave me to raise 5 kids on my own, so help me." I threaten.

"I know. I don't think I'll be going anywhere in a hurry. If I take any more time off, they are going to fire me."

"Yeah, like that would be a big issue for you."

"It kind of is, I like being a doctor, but…we will talk later."

I dive into work and the next few days go quickly. The memories of what he told me fade a bit and I start to look forward to our doctor's appointment. My belly has grown a lot in the two weeks since John got home.

I catch him looking at me funny a few times, and I am not sure why.

"What?"

"Hm?" John seems distracted, but he was staring at me again.

"You keep staring at me, with this look on your face. Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Oh sorry, just…thinking. You know, we have to think about rooms and stuff. Maybe move the twins into their own rooms now and then the nursery we can leave as is for the new baby."

"Good idea. Guess having the mansion is working out well for us."

We are now in the waiting room and I fidget until the nurse calls us in to our appointment. I am weighed then I slip on a gown for a quick exam. I am feeling a little upset at the amount of weight gain already.

The nurse goes out and I sigh. "I am going to have to be careful, that much weight gain and I am three months. John, why are you frowning like that, it doesn't make me feel better."

He opens his mouth to speak but snaps it shut as Janet pops in cheerfully.

"Hi John, Susan. How was the trip?" She looks over at John as she adjusts the gown and starts some measurements.

"Hm, well, it was indescribable really, being in a war zone is something else. A real eye opener."

"I just bet."

She has a bit of a look on her face when she writes notes on the chart, and John looks at me with a questioning glance. The cold gel hits my belly, and she starts running the wand across, the screen turned in towards her.

She spends a good minute looking and stops on the heartbeat a few times.

"Everything okay?" I am getting a bit worried because she seems to be very intent on something.

Janet gives a little laugh. "Seems to be.  Don't worry Susan, everything looks normal." She holds the wand still for a moment, and I hear the heartbeat strong and clear. She moves it around some more, then back to the heartbeat.

John is watching her closely, his eyes following the wand, and he seems…suddenly a bit pale and looks a bit…I am not even sure how to describe it to myself.

"Are you sure…there isn't something you need to be telling us?"

Janet looks at him. "Can't hide much from you John. Okay, you are both sitting so…"

Now I am really nervous, we need to be sitting? In my case I am reclining, but still, I wish she would spit it out.

She turns the screen and moves the wand on my belly. "Here is…baby A. Nice strong heartbeat."

I smile and see the little tiny form that is our child, then it starts to hit me. What she said, and the look on John's face as he is watching the screen. Shock. "Wait…what? Baby _A_?"

John closes his eyes for a second and I can hear him inhale deeply. "And how about baby…B?"

I cut my eyes over to him, and think, oh hell no. No, no, no. Janet is not saying this! John did not just ask our doctor about another baby.

"Baby B is right here. With another nice strong heartbeat."

I almost bolt right out of the room. Twins? I am having twins. Again. Holy crap. "How did that happen?"

Janet looks at me with a little smirk. "I didn't think I would need to explain _how_ it happened, _Dr_. Lewis."

"No, I mean…how it could be twins. Again. I mean my first pregnancy was just one baby. How am I pregnant with twins again?" Logically, medically, I know how it happened but I just need to hear someone talk me down from the ledge.

"Well, looks like we have fraternal twins again. So your body released two eggs, the babies are both at the same stage of development, so it is not one of those very unusual cases. Maybe you always do, there is still a lot we don't know, it could be that some women tend to release two eggs. Perhaps when you had your first daughter only one was released or perhaps only 1 got fertilized, or perhaps there were two and one was not viable and didn't implant. We will never know, that was what, about 8 years ago now? I would suggest that you have a high chance of any future pregnancies being multiples, as you get older it could end up being triplets."

"Ah, no they won't because I am not having any more pregnancies after this."

"You might want to take steps to ensure that doesn't happen. You know as a doctor yourself that it is going to get riskier each pregnancy, especially if you continue to have multiples, and also as you are over 35 now. If you have decided not to have future children, you may want to consider surgical options?"

"Yes, in fact, John is going to take care of that, we have already discussed it. We both know that we are done having babies after this." I look over at him, his appointment in fact is tomorrow, and at this point I will escort him into the room.   I would even consider doing the procedure myself, if there was any chance I would ever get pregnant again.  Damn…twins?

I wonder if John knows what is going through my mind, he is giving me another one of his looks.

"Good, makes sense, less invasive for him than for you. Unless we have to do a c section, then I could tie your tubes at the same time. But since we didn't have to go that route before I am hoping that we won't have to this time either. What I suggest is keep your work hours down and go off early like you did last time. Plenty of rest, keep hydrated and eat properly. Moderate exercise, but not too strenuous. You did a great job taking care of yourself last pregnancy and I know you can do it again."

'Deep breath, just breathe!' I think.

"Yes, I can do it again, not like I have a choice." I know I am freaking out a bit, I just need a bit of time to get used to the idea.

John is looking at me with some concern now, he can tell I am having a moment. Of course I am! Twins, for the second time in a row? What! "I am going to have two sets of twins that will all be under the age of 3 at the same time. I am going to lose my mind. Aiden and Hailey just turned 1 in December. They won't even be 2 when we have two more babies to take care of!"

Janet pats my arm. "We will get you through it Susan, relax and breathe. I know you were not expecting this but it will be just fine. You were happy about being pregnant, this is just a minor bump, right?"

"Right, yes, I'm okay. Sorry, I am just…surprised."

Janet prints out a couple of copies of the scan for us.

"I will see you soon, make your next appointment on the way out. And relax, take your time getting dressed, I don't need this room for a bit."

She leaves and I slide off the table and start pulling on my clothes. John is still sitting and watching me, then he gets up and steps in front of me. His finger gently goes under my chin and lifts my eyes to his, and I can't help the tears that come to my eyes. I feel immediately better as he gently slides his arms around me and I lean into his chest.

"I'm sorry." He says this so softy.

"Sorry for what?" I am a bit confused.

"Sorry that you're unhappy. I know we didn't plan any of this, and it's a lot, considering. I know at this point there isn't…much we can do about it."

He sounds unhappy, maybe even a bit devastated that I am melting down.

"John." I burst into tears, and I know I am overwhelmed and incredibly hormonal. I got used to the idea that I was pregnant, when we didn't think we even wanted another baby, but twins is a whole new emotional hurdle. It was a lot to take in the first time, this time it is…so crazy, I almost can't believe it. Imagine, 4 babies all under the age of 2.

He holds me and lets me cry.

"I'm just…" I wipe the tears with the back of my hand. "I'll be fine, I promise, I'm just hormonal and feeling a little crazy. It's a shock, for some reason I didn't even consider that we could be having be twins again. But you are getting fixed, don't even think about backing out, because after this, if you get me pregnant again I am going to…"

"Yeah, yeah, I know. My appointment is tomorrow, trust me, I will be there. We do need to be done with the kids, I would not risk it again. Not with the chance of another set of multiples, that is too risky for your health." A deep sigh escapes his lips. "I guess I just was worried that you…were regretting going through with the pregnancy. And…we don't have a choice now."

"Oh, John, no. No. Don't think that, I just…I really am just a bit in shock and need some time to process this. Even if I had found out about the twins earlier, I could never…do that. Not to _our_ babies. I love you and I know I have you through all of this."

"Of course you do. I love you, and yes, it's a shock but…it's also kind of exciting too. Less so for you, I get it, you have to carry these babies for 6 more months…but…you're really okay?"

I nod and take a few deep breaths then peer into the mirror. I am red and puffy.

"John, can I ask you something?"

"Of course." His eyes meet mine expectantly.

"You have been giving me these…looks over the past few days. Did you…suspect that we were in for this? Did you already think it could be twins?" I watch his face and think, damn, he did, he suspected it. "I can see you did, right? And you didn't say anything?"

He bites his lip then takes my hands. "Yeah, I kind of did. You were saying how sick you had been, and you're belly was getting big so fast again, it went through my mind as a possibility. And no, I didn't say anything, you have had a hard enough time adjusting already and I just didn't want to bring it up. Have you worry about it and lose sleep when I knew we were coming for an ultrasound soon anyway. If I was wrong it would have put you through a lot of extra stress for nothing."

"Wow, it all makes sense. When did you figure it out?"

"Last week. It was the amount you changed in such a short time. 10 weeks to 11 weeks was really noticeable for change. And really, it's not like there was much we could do one way or the other, you know? Options are pretty limited at this stage and we didn't know for sure how many weeks, though it looks like the 12 is about right based on the development on the ultrasound."

"I get it, you didn't want me to worry. And based on how I just reacted, I guess it was a good call on your part, you know me too well. You knew I was going to freak out, right?"

"Well, yeah. I was freaking out a bit myself, and I am not the one who has to carry these little people around or give birth. Another set of twins, it is a big deal, right?"

"One baby was a big deal, John. Another child when we were ready to take permanent birth control measures? Twins is a huge thing, just like it was the first time. I guess we were just lucky that I didn't get pregnant with twins when I had Brooklynn."

"Hm, well, what would you have done if it _was_ twins back then? Not out of the realm of possibility, obviously."

"You know, it's funny, because Rachel asked me that when we first found out about Hailey and Aiden. I was freaking out a bit about two babies, and said that I was glad we were together for this."

"And what did you say?"

"That I would not have been able to manage twins on my own, and I probably would have had to contact you and ask for help. I would never have given them up, so…I probably would have been begging you to forgive me and hoping you would provide some assistance. Of course, I know you would have. Maybe it's not what you want to hear, considering, but having one baby was almost more than I could manage at times, twins, that would have put me over the edge financially."

He sighs softly. "Well, you know you would not have had to beg. I always knew it could happen, right? That birth control is not 100% effective, as we have proven. But, you did what you had to do at the time, and I'm over it. I am glad you would have kept the babies and asked for help, but." He shrugs. "I guess we just deal with things as they are right?"

"I love you, you know that? I really love you." I move close and embrace him tightly. I feel like we have come a very long ways in the past few months, and everything that we've gone through has made our marriage so much stronger, even if it seemed hopeless at the time.

"I love you too baby." He pauses. "If you have your calendar I'll make your next appointment? You can go freshen up before work. Even better, go hide out in my office for a bit, and I'll go down early and cover you for a couple hours. Have a nap, raid my fridge, are you hungry?"

"Really? You must be the sweetest man on earth."

"Just have to take care of my girl."

With a final quick hug, John disappears out the door to make my appointment. I am very lucky, and kind of exhausted. The other part of carrying twins. Severe exhaustion and I am going to be about twice the size of a house.

It makes sense though, my morning sickness was almost overwhelming this time and I am really glad to be working only part time. If I really look at my symptoms, I guess I should have known. Now I know John did, and that's what all the looks were about, and he didn't want to say anything this time. After all, I certainly would have been freaking out until we had our appointment.

After a couple hours napping on John's couch, I feel much better and go down to the ER. As in the past couple weeks my belly has really popped, dressing to hide it is becoming difficult. A mixed blessing, Rachel is not here now, so I can probably skate by without anyone noticing quite yet.

I know John has told Peter, and of course we have told Jim, Tiffany, Ryan and Angela, but we are just starting to tell everyone else.

A couple weeks later though, I am not so sure I have been hiding it at work. I am meeting Jing-Mei for coffee and Chuny comes into the lounge as I'm waiting. Her eyes travel down, her eyes narrowing slightly, then back up to my face.

"When are you due?" Her smile is bright and sunny.

"Shush, Chuny. No one know yet."

"Are you kidding? With that belly, no one has figured it out? I noticed right away, maybe they are just too polite to ask why you're getting fat." Chuny cracks me up, and it is all said in such a way that I am not offended.

"Well, I'm 14 weeks. So September."

"Can I?" She holds out her hand to touch my belly.

"Sure why not, it won't be a secret after this morning, right?"

"Nope. 14 weeks, how does Carter feel about that? Coming home from Africa to find his wife knocked up? He's been back what a month? Did he know before he went to Africa?"

"He's fine. Not like he wasn't there when it happened. And no, I found out while he was away, so I waited until he was home. Not a great thing to tell your husband when he is thousands of miles away in a war zone."

"Mm, true. Lucky girl." There is a little smirk on her face, though I know there has never been anything between her and John. Her and Mark…for sure…John? Nope.

"Why am I lucky? I am going to be as big as a house."

"Yeah, maybe so, but you did get to marry Carter. Come on, he was like the catch of the century, girls were tripping over themselves to date him, and most of them didn't even know he had money. He's good looking, and he's a nice guy too. You sure don't seem to be complaining about a lack of a sex life either, he keeps knocking you up."

"Chuny!"

"Oh please, you don't need to be all shocked, we've known each other for ever. He's…really good right."

I can't help but laugh. "Understatement, the sex is fantastic. It always was."

"Mm, really. Even when you were having your secret affair? Oh hell, of course it was, why would you risk your career for lousy sex?"

"I wouldn't. But if you repeat this conversation I'll hunt you down. I am not sure John would like to know I am sharing details of our sex life."

"Well, he should be flattered, having his wife say the sex is fantastic? How many wives say that, honestly. I'm a bit jealous really, I don't know the last time I had truly out of this world sex. It has been a while for me, but you get to sleep with him all the time. How lucky is that?"

"Well, I do count myself as lucky. Being married and having great sex seems a bit of an impossibility, but nevertheless, it's true. My husband never leaves me wanting, that is for damn sure."

Chuny grins at this. "Ha, I knew it, he is great in bed, I always suspected that to be the case. It seems the doctors that work in this ER all kind of have it going on. Like really, Mark, Carter, Luka…we can ask Dr. Chen about Pratt."

"Ew, no way, I don't want to hear about Pratt." I tilt my head. "Mark huh. He had it going on?"

"So you two never? I mean you hung out a lot, I thought for sure you two were knocking boots at some point."

"No. Never. Mark was married to Jennifer for quite a while, and he never cheated on her. Then I was with Carter, and then when Mark started to show interest, I wasn't with exactly with Carter but I _was_ pregnant. Mark was always just a friend, and it was getting awkward, I didn't want to ruin it, and I was kind of hung up on someone else."

"Carter, right? I mean, you two had an affair, and you ended up pregnant. How did that happen anyway?"

"Um, the usual way? What do you mean?"

"Oh no, no, I mean, how did you and Carter even get together. How long were you two even…having your little thing?"

"Ah, that, uh, well, we had been friends for quite a while, and kind of dancing around it I guess, because he was a student and I was a resident. Then I ran into him at a pub during the summer, he was just back from the Caribbean and on break. It just kind of happened, the whole one thing led to another scenario. And then we kept seeing each other until he had to come back to work. I knew we couldn't hide it if we were still involved and he was working stupid crazy hours so we stopped seeing each other."

"Right, intern's hours. Hard to have a proper relationship, though a little sex on the side wouldn't have hurt."

"Yeah, except a little sex on the side with a doctor, who I didn't really want to know I was knocked up? He would have figured out I was pregnant in 30 seconds or less."

"Are you sure?"

"Oh positive. You know, he got back from Africa, and he noticed something was different with me, he knew I was pregnant before I told him. I was only 10 weeks, he had it figured out. He's really observant, don't kid yourself. He would have known back then too, and both of our careers would have been toast. Can you imagine what Aunspaugh would have done to him? Or Hicks? No way was I doing that to him."

"Is that why you went to Phoenix?"

'Mostly, yes, I bailed, to save both of us. Not easy to implode the career of someone you care about, so I did what I thought I needed to do. Not a popular decision, but I did what I thought was best at the time."

"I have never heard any of this."

"Well, no, not like we held a press conference about it, it is kind of private."

"So Carter wouldn't like you telling me?"

"Now? I don't think it matters so much, as long as you aren't out sharing the information around the ER. When I first came back, yes, it would have been a big deal. It was something we needed to figure out between us, without all of County weighing in, making comments. It was not that was easy for either of us, you know?"

"No I would imagine not, wasn't he upset?"

"Of course he was, he was royally pissed off at me, and it took us quite a while to fix things. You can't go through something like that without having feelings about it. Especially someone like John, with his family and everything? It was really hard for him to get over."

"You mean being so damn rich? How it looked?"

"No, not at all, that part was no big deal to him. I don't think people really know…he is not on great terms with his parents, they spent a lot of time out of the Country when he was a kid." I can see Chuny raise an eyebrow. "He kind of grew up in private boarding schools, with his parents off in Tokyo or where ever they get off to."

"Tokyo. No, he has never let on about any of that, really, he's a private boarding school kid."

"Oh yeah, in a big way. His grandparents would send him on theses amazing trips during the summers too, and he spent over a year at 'international school'. Basically they put them on a sailing ship and they travel and learn while they are in each Country. He spent a lot of time in place like Greece, France and Italy. He has been almost everywhere, I swear. So anyways, having parents that were never around made him a bit sensitive to not being around for his daughter."

"Ah, that kind of sounds like Carter. Though I didn't know Carter got that angry."

"Oh, no, he can get angry. You don't really see it at work, he keeps it under wraps, he can hide things when he needs to, but we've had our moments. He's not unreasonable or anything, but if he's pissed, you'll know about it."

"Like he apparently took a strip off of Lockhart."

"Oh, he did?"

"I heard he did, she was whining about it, when she got suspended. She said it was his fault she almost lost her job. She was angry that you two were off to Italy while she was stuck here."

"Ah, well, let's set the record straight on that. She forged his name and signature, and her brothers, to obtain her brothers records. Her brother complained and John got his ass kicked by the medical board, he was suspended pending investigation. For two months. Then she showed up at our house without invitation and started yelling at him, so he had her…escorted off the property. He was in the middle of legal action, he couldn't talk to her, and she was angry because she got suspended."

"So she was suspended for forging his signature?"

"Exactly. John lost over two months of work, while they investigated him. So rather than sit around, we went to Europe for the summer, and it was pretty awesome, I must admit."

"Mm, well, she was selective in the details."

"I'm sure she was, she wanted him to take the fall for her because in her view, he could afford it. No mention of the years of education, internship and residency he had to complete to get there, it was all about his money."

"They were really good friends for a long time too."

"Not anymore. She's apologized now, but the damage was done. That is a huge violation of trust, and for her to be angry at him was just craziness."

"No wonder Chen avoids her. She tolerates Abby, but just barely. She and Carter are close, aren't they?"

"Yes, they've been friends since med school, they bonded over being Benton's students. Jing- Mei knows what Abby did, and it wasn't just the forging papers either. She has in the past interfered in my relationship with John."

"What! No way."

"Yes, she did. I'm not going to get into details, but she did interfere. Anyways. On to other things."

"Yeah, like are you going to find out if it's a boy or a girl?"

"We haven't discussed it yet, let's just say during the first ultrasound we were a bit sidetracked by the other big news."

"Which was?"

"We are having another set of twins. That is why I look like a baby beluga already."

Chuny giggles. "No way…you're having twins…again? That is craziness. I didn't think you two were having more and now it's 2 more."

"Two more what?" Jing-Mei and Haleh both arrive, at the same time, both sets of eyes hitting my belly at the same time.

"Wow! You mean you're pregnant with twins? Congratulations!" Haleh hugs me warmly. "How is Carter holding up with the news?"

"Better than me, but he doesn't have to give birth."

Jing-Mei touches my arm. "I'll be about 10 minutes, I just need to finish up with a patient."

"No problem, I'm not in a rush."

The nurses all leave as does Chen.

"Susan."

"Oh, Abby, hi." I turn to face her, she came in so quietly I didn't hear the door.

"Do you…have a minute?" Abby's eyes are intent, I see them drop to my belly and widen slightly then back up to my face.

"Sure, I'm waiting for Jing-Mei."

"I guess Carter told you we met for lunch."

"He mentioned it. That was a while ago, but yes."

"I…well, Susan, I need to apologize to you. I thought it was enough to say it to John, but I am sorry. I was in a bad place in my life and I made some bad choices. Not that excuses the things I said or did to you, but, I hope you will be able to find it in your heart to forgive me. I didn't tell Carter, but frankly, I was jealous. I thought that John and I might have something, and then you waltz back into his life, and it was all about you. I meant what I said that night, you know. I don't know if you remember, but…for him it has always been you. He is crazy in love with you Susan."

"I love him too. I have for a long time, I've know I was in love with him for a long time."

"Good, because he really is a great guy. He has is moments, but overall, yeah, he's one you want to hold onto."

"Uh, well thanks, but I had already figured that out all by myself."

"Right, right, of course you did. So, I hope we can call a truce, I am dealing with my issues and I've stopped drinking. I plan on going back to med school, I start in the fall."

"Yes, we can call a truce. Good luck with med school."

"Thanks. Um…when are you due?"

"September. Twins. Again." Chuny was right, everyone at my work are being polite, everyone here noticed right away.

"Twins. That is big news. Well, congratulations."

Jing-Mei peeks in. "Ready?"

"Let's go."


	70. Chapter 70

John!" I hear her bright cheery voice behind me as I erase a patient from the board.

"Hey Rach! How are you doing?" I sweep her into a big hug. "It feels like forever."

"Great. Really great. School is going well, I got A's in all my subjects if you can believe it! I think I have had very good tutors."

"Yes Elizabeth is pretty great right?" I joke.

"Ha, right. Well, she actually is, but I really wanted to thank you for the time last summer, getting all that course work done while traveling was pretty amazing. You are a good teacher John, and I appreciate it."

"You are very welcome. So what brings you down here?"

"I have a little favor to ask of you. See, there is this program that allows students to job shadow for a day, and I was kind of wondering…would it be possible to come here? There are three of us that are looking for a doctor to shadow."

"I would love to do that with you, if you give me the information I can see if I can get it cleared through our Chief of Staff. I did that a few times at County you know. Job shadowing. I'm surprised you didn't ask Elizabeth."

"I spent too much time at County as a kid, and I like the way you teach, so…" Her grin is engaging as she holds out an envelope. "Is it possible for all of us to do the same day?"

"Maybe, I can also enlist Susan and Peter a bit, they are both excellent teachers. Let's check out which days, and I'll talk to Rosen. I am sure it will work out. Peter and I sometimes end up in surgery, so if we pick a day Susan is on shift then we can probably cover each other off."

"That would be so great."

Susan comes up to admit and starts to erase the board.

"Hi Rachel. How are you doing?"

"Good, just asking John about a job shadowing day." Rachel is staring at Susan, then she gets a smile on her face. "Are you? You are right?"

Susan puts a hand on her belly. "Yup, due in September. Twins, again."

"That is so cool! Twins! So John, call me when you find out?"

"For sure Rach. I will take a look at the dates and talk to Rosen, and let you know."

"Thanks! I have to get back to class."

She waves and rushes off.

"Well, energetic girl. I wish I had half that energy." Susan looks tired, I know she is finding this pregnancy difficult already. I have thought about talking her into taking only a couple shifts per week. This round she is a couple years older and we have 1 year old twins running around on top of two busy girls. I can't help but worry about her. I am grateful we still have Louisa, who by the way is thrilled to have a couple more babies she will get to help take care of. And make no mistake, we will need her when the new babies are born, to help with Aiden and Hailey who just get busier every day.

They are running around now, and are incredibly active, even I feel exhausted some days.

"Are you off soon?"

She nods. "In a couple hours."

I pull her aside. "Okay, so go lay down in my office and I will page you if we need you. I am in the ER this afternoon to help cover off, so they are not going to pull me into surgery. We can manage."

"I can't John, I should be here."

"Susan. I can tell you are exhausted, you have to take care of yourself, right? You only have a couple hours left, go lay down for a bit and I promise I will come get you. Go into the on call room if you don't want to leave the ER."

She shakes her head at me, and I know we are going to have words about this later, but she does what I am asking. I think she is so tired she can't even think straight. Not good for her, not good for the babies, and not good for the patients either.

I jump in and concentrate on clearing the rack, pushing the Chief Resident to assign stuff out and I take several incoming traumas. Three hours later the board is nicely cleared, the traumas are all transported off to the OR or various other departments, and I am sure the Chief Resident is calling me some unkind things in his mind for being so bossy. Honestly though, I learned a lot from my time as Chief, and of course my time at County, and one is how to clear a board.

I had great teachers, I still remember how Mark used to run things and I hope I can be even half as efficient.

I am off soon, and I go check on Susan, she is fast asleep in the on call room, and quietly shut the door, letting her sleep. I will wake her up when I am sure that I won't be kept late. We get nailed with a major accident though and it turns into a nightmare quickly with 5 majors rolling in at once.

"Trina! Susan is in the on call room, get her up, we need her, now!" I call over to her as I quickly triage and take the most critical into Trauma 1. "Page the on call surgeon, we have some business for them. 911 them down here."

I am working quickly, calling orders to the resident, when Peter arrives. "What do you have?"

I run it down quickly. "I have this under control, can you check on the other room?"

Susan bursts into the room. "Where do you need me?"

"I'm good, Peter has Trauma 2, and I am not sure what's going on with the other 3 that came in, can you see and jump in wherever needed?" I glance at her quickly, and see she looks much better for the rest. "I need to redline this one up, he's stable as he is going to get. Call up and let them know we are bringing one up, ruptured spleen."

The nurse in the room rushes to the phone and dials as I snap up the rails and we head for the elevators, and I hand the patient off to another surgeon who has just barreled down the stairs and grabs the patient. I turn and rip off my gown and gloves, I see Peter is still in Trauma 2 and he has a full house, Susan has another one and a couple residents in the next exam room. I check in on our Chief.

"I'm waiting for a surgical consult." He runs it down quickly and concisely, and I do a quick belly exam. "Ultrasound?" I check the Foley bag, which looks pretty clear. He shakes his head, and I grab the ultrasound that one of the seasoned nurses is hold out for me. I check quickly. "Blood in the belly, redline to the OR, call please, book us something. Doctor, escort your patient upstairs, unless Benton is free to take him."

I move to the next room where there is another Attending who is now calling time of death. I go back out and check on Susan. She has it all well under control, like had any doubts. The patient is stable and ready to transport upstairs. Calm descends again, and my shift is over so we both sign out.

We go up to my office and gather our things up. Susan is quiet, she seems pre occupied.

"Hey, you okay?"

She pushes the door shut. "Yes, I guess I am just a little mad that you were bossing me around earlier, but what makes me even angrier is that you were right. I am irrationally angry with you right now. So stupid." I can see the tears start down her face.

I am not sure I should, if she is feeling angry, but I put my arms around her anyways. The right thing to do, she snuggles into me and just bursts into tears as I rock her against me gently. I don't say a word, I just let her cry, I know better than to say any silly platitudes, when she is done we can talk and find out what is really bothering her. It is enough to hold her, she knows I am here for her.

The tears finally slow to hiccuping sobs, and I wipe the tears from her face with my thumbs, the few that haven't been soaked up by my shirt anyways.

"I'm doing it again, crying all over you. What is wrong with me?"

"My guess is raging pregnancy hormones. Last time you were like this was when you were pregnant with Hailey and Aiden."

"I wasn't like this with Brooklynn though, I was so calm and serene, and now I am like a lunatic. I get angry with you for no reason, I know that you were right about me needing the rest. But I was still pissed off."

"Twins, Susan. The hormone levels are higher, and you have certain stresses on you now. We have four other kids at home to manage and you are back to work, only to find out you are pregnant again, after we talked about being done with all of this. And you are tired honey. Your body is growing two little people, cut yourself some slack, okay? It will all work out."

"I suppose. Can you take me home?"

"Yes, absolutely. Wipe your face and I'll get you a bottle of water for the drive home."

Susan is off to bed early tonight, once we have the kids settled. I am digging through for a favorite sweater when I come across Lucy's diary. I haven't read anything from it for quite some time. I am not totally sure of my reasons anymore either, but I decide to try and finish it off.

The kids are asleep and Louisa is around tonight so I take the diary and walk up to the stables. I still find it really relaxing to hang out with the horses. I sit in the stall with Eclipse, realizing how much I miss Marigold. She was truly a great animal, though I do love my other horses too.

He hangs his head and nuzzles me, I end up stroking his velvety nose as I start reading.

_Oh happy days. He dumped her. It sounds like she was in bothering the patients again and he broke up with her. I wonder if I should renew my offer to him? I outright told him we should have sex, that I wanted to have sex with him._

_Of course he said no, he didn't want to have sex with me, and it would not be right anyways since he's my supervisor. We keep getting around to that part, he had to supervise and evaluate me and he is all damn moral about it. The thing is, he is denying he is attracted to me, and I plain don't believe him. He has acted a bit jealous of Dale, and the day I caught him staring at my ass. And the fact that he participated in our little exam room tryst. Nope, I don't believe for a second that he is not attracted to me. But he has put up a wall between us, that has nothing to do with Roxanne either._

_And then of course he finds out about the Ritalin. I ran out so I came into work kind of dragging my ass, and then I got my prescription filled and took it. Carter noticed the difference in me and took me aside, he had the balls to ask me if I was using drugs. Well, I guess I kind of am but…not illegal ones or anything. I was really angry at first, he told me I should not be using it, not at 24 years old, and I suppose he has a point. I know I have to try and stop and I have tried before but it is really hard, I don't think he gets it._

_My relationship with him, which seemed to be getting better is deteriorating. My review was not great, so I know he must not think much of me._

Yeah Lucy, I get it. Maybe I didn't back then but I sure do now. I only wanted to help her but I get the defensiveness she felt, I truly understand.

I also know she wasn't wrong about the physical attraction, if she had not been my student, I may very well have ended up going out with her, sleeping with her, who knows where it would have gone. Maybe we would have gotten along a lot better? I will never know.

_Boy this is harder than I thought. I have been so tired all morning, and now Carter is on my case because I can't function. He is the one who said I should stop Ritalin, then he gets mad at me because I can't keep up. He can't have it both ways, and some days I just hate him. I really hate him today, he stuck his nose into my business and then I caved in and took my pill about half way through the day. He doesn't get it._

I skim through a bunch of other stuff, until I see another name.

_Who is that woman? Some high class blond bimbo he is now seeing? He never seems to be without a woman in his life that is for sure. She comes in all the time to see him, and I personally think it is all about sex. Elaine. That is what he calls her. Elaine Nichols. I know he has totally lost any interest in me, he and I don't work together as much anymore, I am being passed around a bit as I go through different rotations._

_Huh, he's not kidding about having no long term relationships. Another woman here and gone, through his turn style. Maybe it's a good thing we didn't get involved. Or on the other hand, maybe he is still dating the wrong women. No, not maybe, 100% for sure, he dates the wrong women. I wonder if he picks them on purpose. Not consciously, but maybe unconsciously. Picking the ones who he knows won't commit to him?_

_It makes me want to know…what is he afraid of? It seems like he picks women who are somehow…forbidden or something. Like Elaine…she sure did not look like the marrying kind, no way. Roxanne, she was never really his type and I think he knew it. I have heard rumours too, that he has had his little affairs with unattainable women, like some surgeon when he was an intern. Anna, who I heard a bit about, apparently they hung out all the time so who knows what went on with her, but it sounds like he liked her a lot. But she still left. Now it just seems like he is randomly dating. What are you afraid of John, why don't you see that there are women around you that see you, and would love to be with you? But you push us away. You pushed me away, I can feel the wall between us, where for a while we were so close._

_Why don't you see me?_

There is a bunch more stuff about patients and days here and there, but nothing that sticks out too much as important for my purposes.

_Hm, we really have our ups and downs, Carter and I. Sometimes I almost think he likes me, then other days not so much. My mom tells me that it's normal, he has good and bad days, everyone does. I know it's true too. I have been having more bad days, I have been trying again to get off the Ritalin, but it is not working. Now it seems like I need to take more just to keep level._

_My mom has noticed, she tells me that I am really cranky and irritable lately. Maybe that is why I feel the need to argue with Carter - that is what my mom thinks anyways, that I am arguing with Carter all the time because I need to get my use of Ritalin under control. One of the side effects can be irritability, I looked it up. And some of the other side effects fit me too. She has found a program for me, and says I need to take some time off during the summer and go get myself straight. In the meantime though, I am going to continue to use it. Most days it helps me stay really focused, but I notice that I have been even more irritable with Carter lately. I am not sure why, but I guess the fact that he is not really seeing me sets me off, even though I am starting to recognize the wisdom of what he is doing._

_Say he did sleep with me, while I was still a med student. What then? He could never acknowledge our relationship, and neither could I. Is that what I really want? To be his secret girlfriend? Is that what he really wants? I think I am really misjudging him, maybe he does see me, but knows that to get involved with me would be craziness. It would just be another short term relationship, one that could go nowhere...or he would risk his job, and so I have recently learned, mine as well. Someone pointed out to me that if I pursue him it could taint my career just as much as it would his. I would be the girl who slept her way to a good review, or the girl who slept her way to a bad review in my case, since we all know that I am never getting a good review from Carter. He is tough when it comes to evaluating his students, is it because he doesn't like me or is it because he was held to such a ridiculously high standard by Dr. Benton? Hmm. food for thought really, I heard Benton was really tough on Carter. But Carter is a really great doctor, so...maybe it is a desire to see me be the best I can be. Could that be it, and I have been misreading the entire situation?  
_

_But back to my thoughts...I get sidetracked so easily these days. If my sleeping with a supervisor hit my file, then it could follow me for years. And for him it could end up as a sexual harassment suit, which would be a shame since he is actually a nice guy when he is not ripping his hair out over our inability to get along most of the time. Honestly, if I had been in that exam room with Dale, he would have had me stripped naked and he would not even have thought twice about having sex then broadcasting it.  
_

_Carter has some self control it seems, and I guess I should be grateful for that, I mean, I could have ended up pregnant, I sure didn't have a condom in my pocket. Or one or both of us could have lost our careers._

_I learned something recently about him. He actually does want to be with someone, he is truly looking for that one woman who will complete him, and that feels like a bit of a wake-up call. He is almost done his residency and I have not even started. He is what...30 years old and needs a woman who is ready to settle down and have babies, and me, I still don't see the need for a partner. And I am sure not going to be ready for babies anytime soon. I see with clarity, all of the sudden that he is so far beyond me in his life stage, that as much as I think I want to be with him, I could never give what he needs, what he wants. Does he see that? Or is it just the whole student thing.  
_

_Whichever reason, I suddenly see that as much as I know we would fit in some respects, we really don't in others. I know him, but don't either. His life in some respects is unfathomable to me. Someone let it slip that his family has hundreds of millions of dollars. Say what? Jerry said it, joking around at the admit desk. I had to ask him if he was serious, and he said 'hell yes, have you ever checked out Chicago magazine's rich list? Have you seen how many times the name Carter is on there? His grandparents are extra loaded, and his dad is just plain loaded'. I have to admit I was curious and holy crap, Jerry was right. His dad - or I assume his dad is 'John Truman II, aka Jack Carter, is listed somewhere in the 500 million bracket. So Carter is not just loaded, he comes from a multi millionaire family, of which he is the only son of Jack Carter who has 500 million dollars._

_I find it hard to equate my Carter with that, he just is so not...snobby rich. Why does the guy even work? I have never asked him that, or if I am delusional about who he is...no he has to be related, the list shows John Truman Carter Sr., then John Truman Carter II, and I swear he is John Truman Carter III, he even has the monogrammed shirts, JTC, and the nice suits and the really expensive shoes. Damn, I didn't notice the brands he wears before or the monograms until I started realizing who the guy really is, and I still don't get it._

_My friend Casey is laughing her ass of at me. OMG Lucy, you work with a multi millionaire? She thinks is damn funny that I was thinking he was some dirt poor resident not so long ago._

_Ah, enough of my ramblings. I think that John Carter and I were just never meant to be. Maybe we will meet in another lifetime, my sweet man, and we will be right for each other then._

_I hope I get accepted to Psych for my intern year, and then I can move on and let him do the same. I think he really is a good person, I am a pretty good judge, and he does mean well in most that he does. Funny though, I get the impression that no matter how privileged his upbringing, he has demons of some sort. I know his parents are not around much - childless jet setters - and he lost his brother at a very young age, his grandparents seem the demanding sort and he is never in much of a rush to go there for family dinners. His life must have been...lonely maybe, when he was younger, having lost so much at a young age._

_Enough analyzing the poor guy, maybe that is the other problem, I spend too much time trying to figure the man out. All I know is that he cares, he's passionate and pretty wonderful really. I wish you the best Carter, I hope you find what your are looking for, that you can open your heart at the right time for the right woman. I wish I could tell you, she is out there and you need to just open yourself up to the possibility. I told him once he was too closed off, and I think I was right. He has closed himself off because of something...or maybe multiple things that have happened in his life. Learn to trust. Open yourself to love. And when you find her, never let her go.  
_

_Pretty sappy I guess, but I feel in my heart that the right woman will be so lucky to have him. I hope she treasures what she gets, whoever she is._

_I know he was right about the Ritalin. I am so up and down that some days I know I am just extra argumentative. Maybe my mom is right and I should take the summer off and get off this stuff. Then maybe I can find my own John Carter...and take a little of my own advice.  
_

I flip to the next page and it is blank. She must have written this just shortly before she died.

I have a whole lot of thoughts going through my head about now. One is the revelation on how dependent she was on the Ritalin, and how it sure does explain a lot when it comes to Lucy Knight. How impossible she was at times. The other is wishing I had helped her more with that, but at the time she was really prickly about it and I felt the need to back off. It really is a fine line between the two - the desire to help and just plain interfering in someone's life.

"John?" I hear my name said softly.

"In here baby."

Susan peeks over the stall.

"Hiding out with the horses again? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I am." I get to my feet and step out.  "I thought you were sleeping, what are you doing up, it's late."

"Right, and my husband was nowhere to be found, so I got worried about you."

I pull her into my arms for a kiss.  "No need, I just didn't want to wake you, and this is a great place to think.  I was just...reading."

"Ah, the diary. Learn anything interesting?"

"Yes actually, I did. Some very interesting reading, in some ways, but sad in others."

"Do you want to tell me? Or should I just mind my own business?" Susan pulls me down to sit beside her on one of the benches.  I let her lean back onto me, and I rest my hand on her belly, giving a little rub.  I know these babies were not in the plan, but...I still love my wife's pregnant belly, she is so damn beautiful.  Her hand goes over mine and we sit there comfortably.

"Between you and me? Lucy had a problem with Ritalin, and it was very likely why she was so up and down and damn argumentative all the time. She was thinking of going to a program that summer to get off the stuff."

"You're kidding. So do you think...that it contributed to what happened?"

"Probably. Irritability, and if she lost focus that day...who knows. I don't want to put all the blame on her though Susan, I think there were enough people that were at fault in some way that day...me, of course, Lucy, Mark, Luka, Malik, DeRaad, we all did something that contributed to the whole thing and how it ended. You know I have analyzed that day so many times, and thought what if this and what if that. But none of it really matters. What matters is that someone died. A friend and colleague, and that is just how it is."

Susan nodded. "It was tragic, but I guess we see it every day."

"Yes we do. I remember talking to this little girl one time, she was waiting for a transplant, and she was wondering if she was going to die. She said that something bad had to happen to someone else for her to live. And that what if something bad didn't happen to someone that day. And I had to admit, that something bad was always happening to someone, somewhere. I don't know that I deserve to be alive any more than anyone else, but I'm here, and I have a lot to live for in my life."

"Yes, you do. You have a family that loves you John and don't you forget it."

"I won't. I promise I won't Susan, because I haven't always had this, and I know I am really lucky to have what I do. That I came so close to losing everything more than once. Life is so random you know? Why one person lives and one dies. How I was saved more than once."

Susan leans against me. "I know John, trust me I know. I think about this stuff sometimes too, you know. How one small twist of fate can set the whole course of your life? How we were together years ago, and it brought us to here, but how close I came to losing you and not even knowing that you had almost not been here when I came back. Like...I left and I expected things to be the same, I couldn't imagine it changing. Mark got sick and died, you were stabbed and almost died. Two of the most important people in my life and I may never have known either of you were gone."

"I never imagined that you would ever come back either, or that you would come back with Brooklynn."

"Or I would come back and you would have changed so much...yet you are very much the same person in a lot of ways."

"I hope I have changed some though, I hope I have grown up a lot. I sure have experienced thing I could never have imagined in my wildest dreams when I first walked into County. I have to tell you something...Lucy was apparently analyzing me a lot, and sometimes she was pretty right on the money. A little unsettling really. But, some of the last things she wrote were...good advice."

"What advice did she give you."

"Hm, well." I flip open to the last page. " _He has closed himself off because of something...or maybe multiple things that have happened in his life. Learn to trust. Open yourself to love. And when you find her, never let her go._ Never let her go, that is great advice, and I think that I am going to follow it...and never let you go." _  
_

I can see Susan look at me with her eyebrows raised. "She actually wrote that."

"Word for word. That is insane, right? I told you, the girl would have been dynamite at Psych. It was honestly frightening sometimes at how well she could read me. There was something else she wrote farther back to that I found pretty insightful too, and I think I know why her mom gave me the diary."

"Why?"

"Well, for one, the fact that she had the issues with Ritalin, which make a lot of sense. I busted her on that the one day, she was so down when she came in and then half an hour later she was way too perky. And she admitted to the Ritalin, which of course I told her she needed to get off of it, because she was 24. She was pissed off and told me to mind my own business of course."

"Is that it?"

"No, the other part I think is because there were things that Lucy had wanted to tell me, but she didn't, but she wrote them down pretty clearly in her diary. I guess her mom figured she would let Lucy tell me what she wanted to say to me. I appreciate it actually, in some weird way, it gives me some closure. Does that sound crazy?"

"No, John, it doesn't. I am sure...no, I _know_ you have struggled with things to do with Lucy. It has been a while since she died, but in the big picture, it has not been that long if that makes sense. Your relationship with her was complicated, I know that. She was your student, your friend, and at some point, she was almost more right? If she had not been your student, she was say a girl you met when you were out with your friends and she came on to you, you might have had a relationship right?"

"Maybe. I am not going to lie to you, she was cute, and blond and incredibly smart. Everyone, meaning Chuny, thought she was the girl for me. But Chuny didn't take into consideration that when it's a med student and a supervisor that becomes sexual harassment in a damn hurry. Lucy finally realized it, or so I know now. She recognized that we were light years apart in readiness for a lot of things.

"Like?"

"The fact that I was at that time, looking for someone to have a real long term relationship with, not some sort of go nowhere affair, or short term relationship. She and I could never have had that, and she recognized it, finally. She was not even into her first year of residency and I was getting ready to apply for Chief Resident that year. Kind of like when you and I were together, you were starting your 4th year but I was starting my internship, that is a big gap right? The one between Lucy and I was even bigger, we were 5 years apart.  If I had not done the year of surgery, I would have been Chief or an Attending already. I knew it could never work with her, it would be an ill advised affair that could go nowhere and ruin two careers."

Susan laughed lightly. "Damn, you were on the other end of the equation, so you get why I decided what I did."

"Yes, I got why, Susan, I always got that part. It was just...you and I did get involved and had the probably ill advised affair, and you ended up pregnant, and I loved you...and of course we know the rest of that story. But we are done with recriminations and all of that as far as our daughter is concerned.  I guess you really get why it was so hard to supervise her a second time, and then have her die. It was the almost affair, that didn't actually happen but might have if I didn't have a little self control."

"So, are you saying I didn't have self control that night?"

I can see the sparkle in her eyes.

"Neither of us had any self control that night baby, and that's okay, I don't regret sleeping with you. It was pretty damn great, I don't think I will ever forget that night. My feelings for you were also a lot deeper even back then than they ever were for Lucy. Lucy, that would have been sex, plain and simple, I don't think I would have fallen for her, as great as she was, it was never close to the same as what I felt for you.   I was already half in love with you before we ever had sex. I never regretted us, but I really think I would have regretted sleeping with Lucy."

"And I had a crush on you, and you know, I never regretted it either. By the time we spent those two weeks together, I was falling for you, and that was really scary. So, I put on my running shoes."

"But you came back to me. Fate sent you back to me, and I am grateful for that."

"Anything else that you learned from reading her thoughts?"

"Well, I don't know if it was something I didn't already know, but she did comment on how I was always dating the wrong women. Duh, I knew that Luce. Which is why I was never with them long, but you have to at least date and get to know people or you would forever be alone. She did not approve of Roxanne, who by the way, called Lucy and asked her out for coffee to check up on me. Like wow."

"Roxanne called your med student and asked her about you...to check up on you?"

"Yeah, can you imagine? She asked Lucy outright if I was having an affair at work and that is why things weren't going well with her and I. Instead of just talking to me directly, she went behind my back. I was not happy to read that part."

"No, I guess not. I find it weird that your med student was keeping track of your girlfriends and writing about it in her diary."

"Yeah, that is a little weird to me too. But then again, it kind of makes sense, she wanted to get together with me, and as long as I had a girlfriend, it was never going to happen. And then she realized during the time I was just casually dating, that it was never going to happen anyways. But, I concur, to find out she was so damn interested in my sex life is a little strange to read about."

"So, best never to keep a diary then. My impure thoughts about that cute med student will forever be locked away in my own brain, never to be revealed."

"Just like my impure thoughts about that sexy blond resident that I had a major crush on from the first day I walked into County?

"Uh huh. Just what did you want to do to that blond resident that was so impure?"

"Mm, wouldn't you like to know. Let's just say I've had a chance to act out a few of those little fantasies and take care of a few of the impure thoughts."

"Have you. Well, I guess we were both lucky then, because I got to act out a few my own fantasies too. And I got to make up a few new ones and act those out."

"Really. Any...unfulfilled fantasies that should be taken care of?" I wiggle my eyebrows at her.

"Several. I think I should take you back to my room, before my husband gets home. I have a few things I'd like to try out."

I hold out my hand and we walk back to the house.

The next day I feel like there is something I need to do. I get up early and stop at a flower shop, the go out to the cemetery where I know Lucy is. What I am about to do seems really strange, but then again, maybe it's what I need. I never got to go to her memorial service, I was still confined to the hospital at that time.

I find her headstone and stare at it for who knows how long. I place the flowers in front of it, I think she would like them, they are very much...her.

"Lucy. Sorry it has taken me so long to visit, but...well, you probably know that my life was a bit screwed up for a while. I missed your memorial, which was tough because though I know it didn't seem like it sometimes, I really did consider you a friend. We had our moments, didn't we? Like oil and vinegar, cats and dogs, we didn't mix well sometimes. And I am sorry about that, I wish we could have found a way to work together with less...issues. I spent a long time after the whole Sobricki thing trying to figure things out, why did I live, why did you die. There seems to be no answer to that. I almost ended up killing myself anyways, I felt really guilty for a very long time, for a while it was like a dark endless tunnel. I could barely get myself up in the mornings and...there were times when I didn't want to go on. I turned to drugs, to numb the physical pain and the emotional pain. There were times when I thought about ending it too, which I know is selfish, because I bet you would give anything to still be here. I have to admit though, there were times when the constant nightmares and the inability to sleep made me wonder if anything was worth it, wonder if I would ever be happy again, wonder why...I was worth saving."

"I'm sorry, more than I can say, how it all ended. You know, I got to meet your mom, and you were right, she's great. A really strong woman, but she misses you desperately. I don't know what she sees when she looks at me. Does she wonder why I made it and you didn't? I do. All the time. Anyway, we had some good times, you and I, and some not so good times too. I really started to understand you a bit better when we tried to find Nelson, that was enlightening, though I wish we had found him much sooner. Tragic what happened to Corinna, just like it was tragic what happened to you. I wish I could have saved you, that was one of the hardest moments of my life, seeing you there, the look in your eyes, knowing I could do nothing to help you, to make you feel better. Ironic we were in an emergency room and that still couldn't save you."

I stop and take a couple deep breaths.

"I wanted you to know, I did see you, Luce, I just knew that for you and I to have had anything more than friendship would never have worked. You were terrific, sweet, and passionate about your work, I know that. You would have been really great in Psych...you know you matched in Psych, right? I told your mom too, she was glad to hear you would have been going on to what you really wanted to do. You did a lot though, you helped a lot of people in the time you had here, and you should be proud of that. I have also taken your advice, and I opened myself up, I found the woman I want to be with forever, and she's great. She's beautiful, not just on the outside, but on the inside Lucy, she is a kind, generous and compassionate woman that I love with all my heart. We have a family together, and life is...really great. You were right, my childhood was messed up in a lot of ways, and it took a lot of time to overcome that, but I am very lucky, because my wife...yeah, I married her...understands. She just gets it, how money is not everything, and I am never going to let her go. Thanks for the advice, and the love. I have not always felt loved and it is a gift to feel so loved now. By my wife and my children, and to know that you cared. Never think that I didn't care about you either Lucy, I did. I just knew from experience that you and I being together was ill advised and could easily have ruined our careers. You were pretty insightful, and it is true to say we were at really different spots in our lives, looking for different things."

I am not sure what else I need to say to her, I feel like I am unloading a lot, things I have thought but never said out loud.

"I miss you Lucy, and I will forever remember you."

I run my hand over her gravestone, then turn to walk away. I feel like I finally have some closure and I know it is time to bundle up the diary and everything Lucy and tuck it into the past. Not that I will ever forget her, that would be impossible, but I know that I have forgiven myself for the part I played in her death. And I think she would want me to, she would want me to move on and just live, as I would have wanted her to just live if our fates had been reversed.

I also know that maybe it is time to share a few things with Susan. There are still a lot of things I am not ready to say, but then again, there are quite a few things that maybe she should know. Timing though, I will need to wait until the right time. She is still struggling with the idea that we are having two more children. And I get it, finding out she was pregnant again was huge, realizing that she might be having twins again was almost terrifying.

I know though, that I really am going to take Lucy's advice and hold on to Susan forever. I know I cannot live without her.


	71. Chapter 71

I am having tea and trying to catch up on some reading when John reappears.  I woke up late this morning and he was already gone, though that is to be expected, he doesn't lay around in bed as a rule.  He likely thought that I needed the extra rest and didn't want to wake me too early.  And he was right, I have been much more tired this time around, but last time I was pregnant and at this stage we were on a nice vacation, and had only our daughter to manage.

Now we have four children and I love them dearly, but it is a bit exhausting some days...working, spending time with the kids, and trying to keep up with my husband.

"Good morning."  He gives me a warm kiss, and I rest my hand against his face for a moment, then let my fingers drift down his face.  "Sleep well?"

"I did, I only got up a short while ago.  I missed the girls, they were already off to school and Louisa got the twins up and they are down for a nap already." 

"I spent a bit of time with them earlier, gave them breakfast.  I think they are coming down with colds, so they were a bit cranky this morning, and sniffling.  They need the sleep."  He pours a coffee and sits down beside me.

"Where did you go?  I woke up and you were missing again, nowhere to be found.  Last night was wonderful by the way."  I lean into him, thinking about how we made love when we got back from the stables.

His arms are warm and comfortable as he holds me close, then he brushes my hair aside and kisses my neck.  "With you it's always wonderful."

"Mm, don't start or we will be back in bed for half the day.  So, where did you go?"

He is silent for a moment, like he is turning something over in his mind.  He finally speaks, his voice is low and soft against my hair.

"This might sound strange, but...I went to the cemetery.  I just...felt like there was something I needed to do, and it might sound a little crazy."

"What did you need to do?"

"Well, you know of course I've been reading the diary, and I realized that I have never visited her grave?  I was still confined to the hospital when they held her memorial, it was only a few days after I'd had surgery and I was in no shape to do much of anything.  You are going to think I am losing my mind, but...Peter and I had this discussion one day and I knew there were a lot of thing I wish I could have told her.  She obviously had things she wanted to say to me, and I know what they are, so...I just told her what I wished I could have said."

I think about that for a moment.  "You know it doesn't actually sound strange to me at all.  A lot of people visit the grave sites of people that meant something to them.  And a lot of people talk to the person too, I think certain places like that make you feel closer to the one who was lost.  Did it help?"

"Yes, it kind of did.  It was like this little piece of unfinished business for some reason, and now I have gotten a lot of things out, just saying them out loud...it did help.  I feel like it has been a constant process, working through all of my feelings about what happened, and it really does seem like a bit of closure.  I mean, I won't forget it entirely, obviously, and I learned some pretty big lessons, but you know, it doesn't need to define me or consume me.  Just being grateful to have everything I do and enjoying it all is enough."

"Kind of like when we had our therapy session, and I told you a lot of what I was feeling and thinking, it really helped just to say it out loud.  Even though you already knew most of it, it made me feel better, admitting it, telling you, and now I just... am not so worried about letting a lot more of my deepest thoughts and fears out, not when it comes to talking to you anyways." 

"You never did, you know?  Have to worry about telling me things?  But I understand what you mean."

"Just like...you should never worry about telling me things, John.  I don't want to...rehash things, but I know you have things you have never said, things you don't want to talk about."

"Like...what happened when I was a kid...like that?"

I am surprised, he is really calm when he says it, and I wonder if he is getting to the point where he will let out whatever it is he has buried.

"Yes, and I think there are a few things you have alluded to about when you were going through the aftermath of being stabbed, the addiction, that you have not said outright.  I have a sense that there is something more to that as well."

"Hm, well, that is probably true.  What do you think I alluded to and what did I say that made you curious?"

I have to think about this for a moment, how does one even ask this of someone they love?

"When Barbara Knight visited, afterwards, you seemed really bothered, and you made a comment.  I don't remember your exact words, but it was troubling at the time, and...I guess I wonder how bad it got for you.  If you have ever told anyone how bad it got, or talked about it."

I can almost hear the thoughts ticking over in his mind.  He pulls me in a little tighter and sighs.

"I knew you didn't miss much.  That was not a great day."  I can feel him inhale deeply.  "It got bad, really bad, for quite a while.  I wasn't sleeping, I was having nightmares when I did.  As you know by then I had experienced a whole lot of loss, people close to me and also seeing things that were deeply disturbing.  My brother, of course, and everything that happened right after that, watching a patient take a leap off the top of the hospital, watching my roommate die, having that paramedic shot and die, the whole thing with Chase, then Lucy, it was overload."

I just nod, entwining my fingers with his, hoping he will go on.

"So, I needed to occupy my mind, and pushed to get back to work as soon as I was mobile enough to do it.  Huge mistake, I wish I had taken more time off to recover, or not been so damn stubborn at the time, because I was trying to deal with both the physical and emotional pain still.  So then came the never ending cycle, needing more and more drugs to...basically to numb the pain I was feeling.  Both the physical and emotional pain, while trying to pretend with everyone it was all okay, that I was okay and I really wasn't."

I let the silence sit between us for a moment, I know, I can tell he is not done yet.

"I really needed my parents to show up for me, you know?  And they didn't...it was like my brother dying all over again.  To wake up every day for weeks, knowing they couldn't even be bothered to get on a plane.  Now, I have accepted it, and I know that it is just them, but at the time, it felt like...well, like I said before, if your own mother can't be bothered, then why would anyone else?  When you start feeling like that at 10 years old, it leaves a permanent scar.  So, yes, I admit that there were days when I didn't want to get out of bed, I probably didn't sleep for literally months, not more than the bare minimum anyway and I didn't want to sleep because of the nightmares.  It was like a black tunnel, with no light anywhere.  I was definitely severely depressed, and there were times when I wasn't sure why I was even trying, times when I didn't feel like I wanted or deserved to be still here when so many people had died."

I can feel the tears on my face, knowing that he went through this, that he was so alone at the time.  I turn and wrap my arms around him.  "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, I'm sorry that I kept Brooklynn from you, maybe knowing about her might have helped."

"Hey, baby, no, I don't want you to feel that way.  It was my own fault, not yours.  There were people I could have turned to, people offering to help and I never want you to feel sorry or guilty or any of that for what I did to myself.  I just wanted you to understand, maybe I shouldn't have told you."

"No, John, I suspected for a while, and I think you need to talk about it, I wanted to know.  Did you ever..."  I can't even say it.

"Try?  No, I thought about it a lot, but no, and good thing because I am sure I would have succeeded, I had access to enough drugs.  You know, I wish I had talked to Carol, but I forget sometimes, what she went through.  And I understand now, how it can get so bad that you just want...relief, for the non stop emotional pain to end.  But I don't feel like that anymore, I haven't for a long time.  Everything is different in my life, I have you, we have our family, and I would never do that to my children.  I have come to terms with a lot of things too, I have forgiven myself for parts I have played in things, recognized that I may not have seen something, but for the most part, the people involved made their own choices, just like I made mine."

"And what about when you were a kid?"

"Well, that time was it's own dark tunnel for me.  I was turning 11 just shortly after Bobby died, but by that time my parents were already gone most of the time.  Bobby and I were really close, and he made me promise that I would make mom happy, not let her miss him.  Of course I never got that chance, and I felt it was my fault she was unhappy.  Not logical of course, but when you are 10 and you have just watched your brother die, and been abandoned by your parents, it is easy to think it.  My parents didn't consider it being abandoned I'm sure, because there were adults in the house, just no one I knew all that well, my mom could be difficult at best, it seemed we always had new staff.  My aunt and uncle were away a lot too, and my grandparents didn't realize I was even in Chicago, my parents were gone and we used to go with them all the time.  That is probably part of why I felt the way I did, suddenly with my brother gone...it all changed, within a very short time.  So, long story short, I had no adult that I could trust or talk to, and it affected me in a lot of ways.  The time between my parents leaving and when I finally went to boarding school is a blur, a lot happened, but...honestly, I have buried a lot of it."

"Maybe it is time to deal with it."

John sighs deeply.  "I think I have as much as I can, Susan.  I have closed the door on that year, let it be buried.  At this point I am not sure digging up a lot of things is really advisable, reliving a lot of it, making other people live with the reality of that year?  It is just...something I can't do.  I know at times you have felt it is because I don't trust you but that is truly not why.  It is about letting stuff go.  It's not like I did anything bad to anyone, or have things I need to atone for.  It is more that I am in a good place now, and I can't put myself through it, let alone anyone else, especially not you.  We have everything, and bringing more...turmoil into our life after everything we've been through, well it is just not worth it.  What I went through that year was difficult, but you know what?  It was 20 years ago, and I am done with it.  I need for you to let it go too."

"Burying stuff isn't healthy John, have you dealt with it or is it just buried?

"Probably a bit of both.  I am sure I have compartmentalized a lot of it, it's in it's little box, and I don't want to open it.  In the big picture, I have gotten out of my head, and I know that people go through far worse things every day.  I had a gun held to my head in a third world country, and even that pales in comparison to what happens to the people that live there every day.  No more looking back, it is all about looking forward, moving forward and being grateful for what I have.  We've come a long ways this year, and I like where we are."

I have to smile at that.  "I love where we are too John.  We really have come a very long way, we have a great life.  I never thought we would have everything we do, in fact there was a time I never thought I would have any of this - I mean, marriage, children, a job I love, and a husband I love more than I can ever express in words.  I love you so, so much, and I am thankful for the day you walked into that ER."

"Me too, baby, believe me, I am grateful for everything too, I love you."

 

 

 

 

 


	72. Chapter 72

I straighten my tie, and look over at my beautiful daughter, and I do not know where the time went.  The years have gone by so quickly, but they have been happy years.

Our twin sons, Jacob and Joshua were born quickly and easily after a slightly rough pregnancy for Susan, I felt fortunate she made it through unscathed.  In fact they were born so quickly, we didn't even make it to the hospital and I delivered two more of my own children after an extremely short precipitous labor.  Her water barely broke and the first one was crowning.

They are now almost 20 years old, it is very hard to believe.  We have six wonderful children, which is so much more than I had ever hoped for.

As our children grew, Susan and I both made a few further trips into Africa, which led to our support of an HIV program in Kinshasa.  At first Susan was terrified, but she soon saw...the people there are truly wonderful and show a true spirit of survival.  She saw the need we filled, even by giving a couple weeks of our time, and now we go for at least two weeks every year.  She anticipates our annual trips, and we have become advocates for the program, encouraging young doctors to go at least once.  Luka has become a very close friend and of course has always been a big supporter of the program.  

During our time in Africa, we started to recognize a need in our own City, and with some of the Foundation funds we built a clinic in Chicago, to service the underprivileged population, including a HIV clinic and daycare program for children.  Though this has been a huge investment, the initial investment alone was over $200 million for the facility, endowment for uninsured and some funding towards staffing.  I am proud to say it has improved Chicago health care immeasurably.  Susan and I still are active in fundraising and benefits, and we have attracted some huge community support for our project and it is running like clockwork.

We both volunteer our time now to the clinic on a pretty much daily basis, though we also pick up the odd shifts as fill in Attending at both Northwestern and County as needed to keep up our trauma skills.  We also both love to teach, and we take on a certain number of medical students and Residents on rotation at the Carter Center, and it has become a much sought after experience for a lot of new young doctors.

Susie is married now, and starting her own family.  Chloe has been clean off and on, and has a precarious relationship with her daughter, she disappears then reappears with little warning.  I have never regretted taking in our precious girl, she is well adjusted and secure that she always has a family.  I had the honour of walking her down the aisle a couple years ago, something I will never forget. 

The twins-both sets- are all happy and seeking further education for their chosen careers, and I am thrilled that two of the four have decided to become doctors as well - Hailey and Joshua are both in medical school and are hoping to match at County and do their training in the same hospital as Susan and I.

Hailey is already in love, with Riley Davis no less.  They grew up together, going to the same schools, sharing family vacations, though they did not start dating until after high school graduation.  We are all waiting for the day we will be planning a wedding for them, but not too soon I hope.   We are still very close to Jim and Tiffany, who have added two more children to their family, and Ryan and Angela, who were happy with two.

Rachel Greene is a doctor now too, she made it into med school with no problem, attending Duke, where Elizabeth is now on faculty.  She is practicing medicine at County General, and she volunteers for us at the Carter Center frequently.  She has also joined us on a couple of our trips to Africa, and she loves making a difference.  I was excited to be there to walk her down the aisle when she married, she has become a part of our family, almost another daughter to Susan and I.  She is so much like her dad, in so many ways, it is like having a piece of him back in our lives.

"Daddy."  Brooklynn looks over at me with a smile, her eyes are sparkling with happiness.  "It's time."

"You look beautiful."  I give her a kiss on the cheek and take her arm. 

And she does, she is truly gorgeous, and not just on the outside.  She is sweet, loving, generous and very definitely a light in my life.  Surprisingly she is the one who has embraced our work at the Foundation the most...or maybe not so surprising.  She is so very much like her mother, a strong and determined woman, and I know she will be taking over my spot as Chairman at some point in her life.  But not because it is expected of her, we have never pressured any of our children to be anything other than what they want to be.  It is because she loves the work and sees the value in what we have accomplished.

"I love you daddy." 

"I love you too."  I put my hand over hers, and we start down the aisle.

We arrive at the arbor, where her husband to be is waiting, looking both nervous, but also elated, his smile reaches right to his eyes as he looks at my daughter.  I see the love between them, and it is everything I have ever wanted for her, my hope for all my children, that they find the same kind of love I feel for my amazing wife.

I take my spot with Susan, and she looks at me with those still vibrant green eyes, and I see the unshed tears glistening, but also the love there.  The love for me, and for our children, for the wonderful life we share.

Sure, we have our moments, but when we do, we sit down and talk about it, we never go to bed angry, such a valuable piece of advice my grandmother gave me before she died.  We have a true loving partnership and I wouldn't have it any other way.

So many years later, and we are still as in love as ever, I have never let her go, and I never will.


End file.
